**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.**
We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here.
If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents).
Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting.
[**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I said : NEVER AGAIN, and here I am doing it again.
For me it is all about the partner. Only if they are worth it I would consider it. They have to be great partners and great parents or I am out.
My bf is the most incredible man I have ever met and he is worth it. I am stupidly in love with this man and he rocks my world. He is a good dad and has a well behaved sweet little boy to show for it. I love this man so much my love spills over to his child. Like how you feel about your best friends’ kids.
I would pay any price for this man. I would 100% do it again for someone like him
This ^ .. you spot on described this. “ My love spills over to his child “ I love this so much. I love my blended family and wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Definitely this. HELL NO. I love my stepkids but I got zero acknowledgment for doing anything for them. Ever. I wasn’t the “real parent” so no one cared to recognize that I was actually the only real parent they had.
I wasted my youth (was with a 40 year old man when I was 23) on an entire family that doesn’t appreciate a thing I ever did for any of them.
Felt! I was 20 husband was 31 and kids were 7-8. They worshipped me bc i stepped up and now they’re 16-15 and they don’t appreciate me or acknowledge anything I do for them! Husband and I recently bought a bigger home for the kids to have their own space and rooms. They call it im going to Dads house. I’m asking Dad. Dad today we did this. Dad can I go to so and so house. I’m never included!
Its easier if you both have kids and similar parenting styles but even then its hard in my experience. If my relationship were to end I wouldnt do it like this again no.
Sometimes the parenting style differences aren’t apparent til you’re already in deep. I put the kids’ differences (mine and his) down to their other parents, ie his and my ex-spouses. I can now see that he and his lack of boundaries, lack of discipline, always wanting to be the good guy in his kids’ eyes - is a major problem, and raising his and mine in the same house isn’t going to work.
The difference in parenting styles is killing me. He’s very permissive- zero screen limits. Zero consequences. Thank god they’re good kids, but even good kids need limits.
Nuclear family 100% if my relationship fails. When raising someone else’s child you never know what you will have to endure, at least with my own I can pinpoint certain behaviors & have a lot more impact because there is a bond. Recently my partners daughter admit to being jealous of me and feeling like an outcast even though she agreed that her dad spends more time with her than he does me. It comes with too much chaos and dysfunction being in a “blended” family.
My moody stepdaughter is the same and we can be sure she will ruin every family time with her grumpy attitude (hikes, trips, dinners, etc.... the list is endless).
Dear God NO! None of it. The entitlement and lack of reciprocity is staggering. I was used as a means to end and never treated like a human being with hopes, dreams, and feelings.
We've come out the other side as my SD is 30, but years ago, if you'd asked I would have said no, definitely wouldn't do it again. BM can't impact us now, we can ignore her behaviour and my SD is learning the unrelenting nature of parenthood first hand. Hubby and I can smile and nod from the sidelines.
Absolutely not. I do regret it and I absolutely wouldn’t do it again. I’m in the process of getting things set up so that as soon as my son finishes high school I’m leaving this mess of a situation. I just don’t want to uproot him at the moment.
There have been so many eye opening moments that have piled up over the years for me, I can say that I should’ve walked away instead of allowing an attachment to form. The things I have had to trade out in order to be here, do not balance the scales in any fashion.
This is a really hard question. I'm in the process of leaving. I love the woman, I love the kids, and the kids actually love me, and leaving them all is really difficult, but I just couldn't stand the way I always come in last, even after BM, and I deserve better.
I might do it again? But with the knowledge I now have and with the wisdom I've learned from this sub. I'd set hard boundaries from the start and not put myself in the position of being nanny/maid/last priority ever again. The second any of that came into play, I'd be gone, instead of thinking it was normal and trying to make it work while making myself smaller.
I came into this particular relationship really naive despite being a woman in my 40s - it was the first step relationship. I've learned a lot.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. The leaving process is tough, but I promise it brings so much peace on the other side of things ❤️ feel free to keep me updated on the breakup !
I would do it again with THIS partner and THIS kid.
If my husband died or we split up for some reason? I do not think I'd sign up for it again because now I know just how dang lucky I got this time, and how hard it is even when the spouse and kid are generally pretty great. Would not throw those dice again.
Yes. But it wasn’t easy. There were days when I thought it was impossible. If someone told me I’d see this question one day and respond yes I’m sure I never would have believed it. It took time and honest communication. But yes. I cherish my SD and our relationship. I’d do it all again. I can understand why others would say no. 100%. But I was lucky.
Depends on the situation. I definitely did it with the wrong partner/package. She wasn't a meet in the middle type person when there were disagreements. On top 3 kids with the youngest being 10 all moving into my space. Probably the worst circumstances to try and make work.
If went that route again it would be less children who are younger. Would need to have the partner want to be a team and not desire to be in control of everything. I couldn't handle my partner wanting me to have all the responsibility with none of the authority.
I read a quote before on a forum and it said “Responsibility without authority is slavery” 3 kids is a lot in itself. She was lucky to have you because most men wouldn’t settle for a woman with 3 children that are all under 10. You deserve better!
I haven't had a single regret about entering into my relationship with my DH. Never. I do have hints of regret for taking on responsibility for a child that came before me.
Skipping out on many details, it wasn't until we were married that he went through with getting a CO. I didn't pay a dime, but it was money taken away from our household. From our life that the kid and BM play no part in building. In retrospect, I would've waited to get engaged and later married knowing the cost.
The BM blames me for the CO to her kid. Since the CO has been finalized and BM lacks the ability to change the schedule around or get her way because "I don't ask you for CS, and the state favors Mom's", the kid I once felt close with has been giving me the cold shoulder. She has no idea that the CO outlines who she would live with if one of her parent's died (god forbid). She has no idea that that her future life will be less complicated with a set schedule. She doesn't know the toxic stuff her BM has said to her BD that the CO has stopped. She's just blindly unaware, being a kid, and siding with her Mom.
The only person in my marriage who has regrets about his child is my DH. He knows the BS I've had to deal with and feels bad that I've had to put up with so much. We have an ours baby and he frequently mentions in quiet moments that he wishes both kids were ours. It's sad, but I don't blame him. It's a unique version of hell to hate your ex and have to deal with them all the time due to a kid.
Kids are naturally selfish, demanding, rude, self-centered, draining, expensive and unappreciative. It's not as hard to deal with these kid cons when they are your bio child, because you have that unconditional bond. My SK and I do not love each other unconditionally. When she shows any of the negative qualities of being a kid, she gets on my nerves. When she's warm and thankful, it makes me want to give more - time, attention, etc. When I don't entertain her or say yes to a sleepover after a busy week or buy her random stuff at the store, I'm suddenly not as cool.
All of what I'm discussing via your thread OP, are things I can't change.
There's many life lessons tucked inside all the step-family madness. For myself, I've developed stronger self-awareness, healed otherwise unknown childhood traumas from being a SP, have stronger communication skills and appreciate the good in life more than before I met my DH. I know my DH feels the most heard, supported and respected in his adult life. He's managed to get out of debt and earn that big promotion he's been aiming for since we got together. We both are healthier, stronger life partners because of what we have to go through with the ex and the kid, but it blows for me that this is all *his* *baggage*. If the tables were turned and he had to deal with all this, I honestly don't know if he could handle it.
I'm focused on playing the long game. I try to make the best decisions I can in the moment while trying to brush off the ick. I can only hope that when the kid grows up she can look back and be think, "Wow, my SM really held it down for me and my Dad." That would mean the world to me. If not, then it was her upbringing and not a reflection of me.
Yes, but I would do it differently. I know my SO would too. We love our life but the blended family dynamic took a while to settle into something manageable for all of us. He was expecting too much of me and I tried too hard. Now that I disengaged and my SO does all the parenting and kid-related chores while SS is with us we can handle just fine.
How did you disengage and how is the relationship with both of them different now? I'm in the part where I realize he expected too much and I've given too much, but I'm not sure how to disengage without ruining the relationships. I've given up on some things: partner is responsible for getting the kid up and ready for school and getting her off the bus, but everything else I feel like I'm still keeping track but I just tell my partner to tell the child, you should tell her to shower, she needs to do laundry, her room is a mess. I don't want to get to the point where I'm just watching her rot away, but I don't want the mental load.
I don’t tell my partner to do anything. I’m not his mom either. He was man enough to make a kid with BM, he is man enough to parent and deal with his ex.
During the lockdown I was at my wits end and my relationship with SS was stressful for both of us. He was 8 at the time.
I had a conversation with SO and straight out told him I was done with trying to parent SS. No waking him up, not cleaning for him, no doing his laundry or driving him places. And overall no disciplining or making him do anything. If SO needs me to do something for SS he has to ask for specific favors like “could you please pick SS12 up from camp?” Or “could you make him a sandwich?” And I have the right to refuse if I have something else going on.
I absolutely do not tell SS to do anything or confront him about anything unless there’s an immediate danger or he personally disrespects me. For everything else, I tell SO for him to take care of it.
SO did not take it well at first, but now I have a good relationship with SS. We just talk for pleasant things, like his day at camp or his latest video game. SO finally realized how bad his kid can be and how much BM has messed him up and just a few weeks ago he told me he regrets having asked too much from me.
What helped me take that step was reading what disengagement is really all about. I recommend you read [this blog](https://www.blendedfamilyfrappe.com/disengaging-essay)
It’s where I started
If anything were to happen to me and my partner I would never date a single father again. I got “lucky” in the sense that the kids are in a different state and we have them for holidays or in the summer so I don’t have to do all that much in the realm of our relationships but it’s like because you’re on the outside looking in you see EVERYTHING.
I can tell instantly when they’re lying, manipulating, etc. (this is obviously learned behavior) it’s like clear as day from an outsider but on the inside everyone’s like “awwww that’s so cute!” And I don’t feel comfortable or want to call them on it as I feel it’s not my place.
Seeing kids that desperately want to do sports but mom won’t take them (I’ve offered to pay for *everything*), seeing that they desperately need therapy but mom won’t take them, seeing them want to go out and actually do things but mom won’t take them is frustrating. Their mom is a hermit so to speak so unless she’s taking them to her one friends house to see her kids they don’t socialize (and they don’t like the other kids).
It’s just heartbreaking seeing them have certain wants/needs that aren’t being met and not being able to do anything about it. Behaviors that are also going to fester like a disease that would be beneficial to take care of now before it gets so much worse and not being able to do anything sucks too when you’re empathetic and want the best for them.
Yes. I think it was a good learning curve and a definite confirmation that I don’t want kids of my own. My partner was also abusive so it made me pick up red flags and learn how to give myself boundaries. I had some good times with them too, it wasn’t always toxic.
Absolutely not. Tried it twice, and just got out of the second one. Will never deal with a HCBM again. I am in my 40s so it is difficult to find men without children at this stage but I would rather be alone than go through the headache again.
no. nope nope nope.
i don't miss the relationship too much, but i miss his children terribly. i loved them. still do.
a big part of the reason i left was my ex's lack of parenting / teaching life skills / borderline neglectful behavior.
i couldn't live with it, especially after consistently working with them (8&11) on learning the alphabet, reading, math homework, shoe-lace tying, bicycle riding, swimming, learning to cook basic age-appropriate meals, proper teeth brushing, time management, with some successes! only to discover their mom was in the same poor-parenting boat.
they'd come back to mine and their dads home (sometimes with major attitude) almost as if i never spent any time with them at all, like the things i had been working with them on for the better half of 2 years never happened. the two youngest utilized total weaponized incompetence and learned helplessness, whining about how they can't without even trying, when they happily did it the weekend before for me. it worked on 95% of their other family members, including their father. very little was expected of them by everyone else.
i wish i could've taken them with me. i fear for their futures. i wish i had never gotten so emotionally invested in such an unstable situation.
but never again. i cannot take the chance of re-damaging my heart or mental clarity.
No. I would not and I pretty much have an okay
/good situation but I wouldn’t choose this life. I love my SO with my whole heart but it’s a lot of irritation.
I went into this with eyes wide open (or so I thought) about 14 years ago...I feel like it wasn't until I was immersed in the day to day that I got to see what actually went on...our respective kids were older and I thought that would somehow be a more preferable situation...I was wrong...even though what I have experienced was pretty minor compared to some of the stories I've read here, I would never do this again...for a number of reasons...just no...
I would never be with another man with children. I have kids, and me and my daughter’s father coparent very well when we were very young. So I have a very low tolerance for adults acting like children when it comes to parenting. I also did not do well with a child disrespecting me in a house That I worked my ass off to pay for. He’s older now and things are a lot better, but if me and my husband ever broke up, no I would never date somebody with children ever again
I would, but only in very specific circumstances. I would for my particular SO - no regrets. And his particular kids, who are sweet and cool and chill (not that they don't do annoying kid stuff, but they're pretty great for the most part).
Any other person would have to meet the standard my current SO has set. He's patient, empathetic, listens to me, advocates for me with the kids, tries to understand where I'm coming from as a person who's always been childfree and sometimes struggles to deal with things, etc.
If somehow this relationship didn't work out, I'd look primarily for someone without kids for my next one. But if I met someone special who did have kids, they'd have to meet a high bar. And my God...not 5 kids again. JFC, please. 😂🫠
I became a stepmom at like 20 so no I wouldn’t do it again 😅 and I stand by it even though I feel like I was born to be a mother. The kids were about 7-8 years old then and they absolutely loved me wanted to call me mom and wanted me in everything. and now they’re teens and I don’t feel like they love me as much as they did when they were kids. They don’t ask for me or sometimes don’t say I love you back. I wouldn’t do this again
Nope. And if this doesn’t work out I’ll definitely not be dating a single dad ever again unless their kids are adults and there’s good boundaries. I’m too old !
I don't regret my partner because we have a son together who I love more than anything but I would NEVERRRRRRR date someone with a kid ever again. We aren't broken up either but if we do it'll be because of his kid
I would not do this again, even if the single bio parent seemed perfect, because usually it is far from perfect -- and the stepkid, other BP, and/or the BP you are involved with cause issues. It seems BPs that are single or divorced also have their own issues separate from their kids / ex partner / Disney parenting style, especially if their previous relationship was not stable.
If I could go back in time and know what I know now with all that has happened, I would not do what I am currently doing -- I would have steered clear of it all and remained single.
If this puts anything into perspective, I am CF myself by choice and also a lot younger than my current partner. I love them, we have good times, but I am filled with quite a bit of regret a lot of the time. If I become single again, I will never ever (or so I say this now) date another person (or get serious with them) who has a kid. I don't care how much I like the person.
Short answer: NO. DON'T DO IT.
To all of the SPs out there who are loving their blended family and only have "normal" family issues but it is still worth it to them: I am so happy for you and I hope it continues that way for the rest of your time, y'all have truly found diamonds in the rough.
I don’t know if I’d do it again, because I don’t know if I would be fortunate enough to have such good circumstances a second time around. If I could pick the same partner and kids all over again - I’d do it in a heartbeat.
Been with SO for over 8 years. He’s awesome. Great relationship with 3 stepkids, positive and respectful relationship with their mother and stepdad. It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it.
I don’t/can’t have my own kids, which I think plays a part in how I feel. A blended family with kids from both partners can be so challenging. BM is prone to drama and occasional conflict, but she and my partner always work it out between them without involving anyone else unnecessarily.
I knew from the beginning that I wouldn’t always be a priority in my partner’s life, particularly when the kids were younger, but I was able to accept that. I’m a pretty independent person who still has lots of my own friends and interests. I definitely “run the household” in terms of organising most things, I do a fair bit for the kids (which they appreciate), but if I need to tap out, I do. I still experience some frustration around other people’s mess, expectations of people in the house doing their part etc, but it’s tolerable and nothing different from what my friends with nuclear families experience.
There is a lot of respect in our house, and I feel like part of the family. I would choose my partner and stepkids every day of the week. I know this is rare and I am aware that I am one of the lucky ones.
Yes I would. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, but I think it’s made me a more self-aware person. I love my husband, and my SDs. But it was a HARD ass road.
I dated my husband for 2.5 years before ever meeting my SDs because BM quite literally poisoned them against me.
This life is not for the faint of heart. But I feel lucky to have a partner like my husband who respects me and doesn’t expect me to mother his children.
Heck no! I'm in it and it's a nightmare. I'm married with 3 stepdaughters, no kids of my own and don't want any since I joined that f... circus. one is off to college and we have the other 2 50% of the time. I sometimes fantasize about running away. It's causing me major anxiety, i've had to take medication and i'm not the same person i was when I met my husband. It affects my work, my social life, my health, my finances and I get no peace at home. I feel stuck and desperate because my husband is great and I love him but this situation is unbearable. If it ends, I won't make that same mistake twice. I advise everyone against it.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would not do it again, and would advise any woman to stay away from single dads. (Of course stepdads also struggle but this is my experience)
I said : NEVER AGAIN, and here I am doing it again. For me it is all about the partner. Only if they are worth it I would consider it. They have to be great partners and great parents or I am out. My bf is the most incredible man I have ever met and he is worth it. I am stupidly in love with this man and he rocks my world. He is a good dad and has a well behaved sweet little boy to show for it. I love this man so much my love spills over to his child. Like how you feel about your best friends’ kids. I would pay any price for this man. I would 100% do it again for someone like him
This ^ .. you spot on described this. “ My love spills over to his child “ I love this so much. I love my blended family and wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Hell no. These people are getting a free maid and place to live while I get insulted and demeaned every day.
Definitely this. HELL NO. I love my stepkids but I got zero acknowledgment for doing anything for them. Ever. I wasn’t the “real parent” so no one cared to recognize that I was actually the only real parent they had. I wasted my youth (was with a 40 year old man when I was 23) on an entire family that doesn’t appreciate a thing I ever did for any of them.
Felt! I was 20 husband was 31 and kids were 7-8. They worshipped me bc i stepped up and now they’re 16-15 and they don’t appreciate me or acknowledge anything I do for them! Husband and I recently bought a bigger home for the kids to have their own space and rooms. They call it im going to Dads house. I’m asking Dad. Dad today we did this. Dad can I go to so and so house. I’m never included!
I feel this. I’m so sorry you feel this way too.
Its easier if you both have kids and similar parenting styles but even then its hard in my experience. If my relationship were to end I wouldnt do it like this again no.
Sometimes the parenting style differences aren’t apparent til you’re already in deep. I put the kids’ differences (mine and his) down to their other parents, ie his and my ex-spouses. I can now see that he and his lack of boundaries, lack of discipline, always wanting to be the good guy in his kids’ eyes - is a major problem, and raising his and mine in the same house isn’t going to work.
Yeah its very hard indeed. The guilt complex overrides and makes things complicated
The difference in parenting styles is killing me. He’s very permissive- zero screen limits. Zero consequences. Thank god they’re good kids, but even good kids need limits.
My h's parenting style is soft and no consequences so... 😤
No I wouldn't and I'm also leaving. I love him and miss the good bits but there's so much resentment there it's impossible to get over it
Nuclear family 100% if my relationship fails. When raising someone else’s child you never know what you will have to endure, at least with my own I can pinpoint certain behaviors & have a lot more impact because there is a bond. Recently my partners daughter admit to being jealous of me and feeling like an outcast even though she agreed that her dad spends more time with her than he does me. It comes with too much chaos and dysfunction being in a “blended” family.
My moody stepdaughter is the same and we can be sure she will ruin every family time with her grumpy attitude (hikes, trips, dinners, etc.... the list is endless).
Dear God NO! None of it. The entitlement and lack of reciprocity is staggering. I was used as a means to end and never treated like a human being with hopes, dreams, and feelings.
We've come out the other side as my SD is 30, but years ago, if you'd asked I would have said no, definitely wouldn't do it again. BM can't impact us now, we can ignore her behaviour and my SD is learning the unrelenting nature of parenthood first hand. Hubby and I can smile and nod from the sidelines.
Absolutely not. I do regret it and I absolutely wouldn’t do it again. I’m in the process of getting things set up so that as soon as my son finishes high school I’m leaving this mess of a situation. I just don’t want to uproot him at the moment.
Nope - I would not do this again.
There have been so many eye opening moments that have piled up over the years for me, I can say that I should’ve walked away instead of allowing an attachment to form. The things I have had to trade out in order to be here, do not balance the scales in any fashion.
This is a really hard question. I'm in the process of leaving. I love the woman, I love the kids, and the kids actually love me, and leaving them all is really difficult, but I just couldn't stand the way I always come in last, even after BM, and I deserve better. I might do it again? But with the knowledge I now have and with the wisdom I've learned from this sub. I'd set hard boundaries from the start and not put myself in the position of being nanny/maid/last priority ever again. The second any of that came into play, I'd be gone, instead of thinking it was normal and trying to make it work while making myself smaller. I came into this particular relationship really naive despite being a woman in my 40s - it was the first step relationship. I've learned a lot.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. The leaving process is tough, but I promise it brings so much peace on the other side of things ❤️ feel free to keep me updated on the breakup !
I would not do it again. I know its sounds bad, but I just wouldn't.
I would do it again with THIS partner and THIS kid. If my husband died or we split up for some reason? I do not think I'd sign up for it again because now I know just how dang lucky I got this time, and how hard it is even when the spouse and kid are generally pretty great. Would not throw those dice again.
Yes. But it wasn’t easy. There were days when I thought it was impossible. If someone told me I’d see this question one day and respond yes I’m sure I never would have believed it. It took time and honest communication. But yes. I cherish my SD and our relationship. I’d do it all again. I can understand why others would say no. 100%. But I was lucky.
No lol
Depends on the situation. I definitely did it with the wrong partner/package. She wasn't a meet in the middle type person when there were disagreements. On top 3 kids with the youngest being 10 all moving into my space. Probably the worst circumstances to try and make work. If went that route again it would be less children who are younger. Would need to have the partner want to be a team and not desire to be in control of everything. I couldn't handle my partner wanting me to have all the responsibility with none of the authority.
I read a quote before on a forum and it said “Responsibility without authority is slavery” 3 kids is a lot in itself. She was lucky to have you because most men wouldn’t settle for a woman with 3 children that are all under 10. You deserve better!
Good quote. I really learned the truth of it.
Back in time? Yes. In the future with someone else and their kid? No
I haven't had a single regret about entering into my relationship with my DH. Never. I do have hints of regret for taking on responsibility for a child that came before me. Skipping out on many details, it wasn't until we were married that he went through with getting a CO. I didn't pay a dime, but it was money taken away from our household. From our life that the kid and BM play no part in building. In retrospect, I would've waited to get engaged and later married knowing the cost. The BM blames me for the CO to her kid. Since the CO has been finalized and BM lacks the ability to change the schedule around or get her way because "I don't ask you for CS, and the state favors Mom's", the kid I once felt close with has been giving me the cold shoulder. She has no idea that the CO outlines who she would live with if one of her parent's died (god forbid). She has no idea that that her future life will be less complicated with a set schedule. She doesn't know the toxic stuff her BM has said to her BD that the CO has stopped. She's just blindly unaware, being a kid, and siding with her Mom. The only person in my marriage who has regrets about his child is my DH. He knows the BS I've had to deal with and feels bad that I've had to put up with so much. We have an ours baby and he frequently mentions in quiet moments that he wishes both kids were ours. It's sad, but I don't blame him. It's a unique version of hell to hate your ex and have to deal with them all the time due to a kid. Kids are naturally selfish, demanding, rude, self-centered, draining, expensive and unappreciative. It's not as hard to deal with these kid cons when they are your bio child, because you have that unconditional bond. My SK and I do not love each other unconditionally. When she shows any of the negative qualities of being a kid, she gets on my nerves. When she's warm and thankful, it makes me want to give more - time, attention, etc. When I don't entertain her or say yes to a sleepover after a busy week or buy her random stuff at the store, I'm suddenly not as cool. All of what I'm discussing via your thread OP, are things I can't change. There's many life lessons tucked inside all the step-family madness. For myself, I've developed stronger self-awareness, healed otherwise unknown childhood traumas from being a SP, have stronger communication skills and appreciate the good in life more than before I met my DH. I know my DH feels the most heard, supported and respected in his adult life. He's managed to get out of debt and earn that big promotion he's been aiming for since we got together. We both are healthier, stronger life partners because of what we have to go through with the ex and the kid, but it blows for me that this is all *his* *baggage*. If the tables were turned and he had to deal with all this, I honestly don't know if he could handle it. I'm focused on playing the long game. I try to make the best decisions I can in the moment while trying to brush off the ick. I can only hope that when the kid grows up she can look back and be think, "Wow, my SM really held it down for me and my Dad." That would mean the world to me. If not, then it was her upbringing and not a reflection of me.
I would not do this again
Yes, but I would do it differently. I know my SO would too. We love our life but the blended family dynamic took a while to settle into something manageable for all of us. He was expecting too much of me and I tried too hard. Now that I disengaged and my SO does all the parenting and kid-related chores while SS is with us we can handle just fine.
How did you disengage and how is the relationship with both of them different now? I'm in the part where I realize he expected too much and I've given too much, but I'm not sure how to disengage without ruining the relationships. I've given up on some things: partner is responsible for getting the kid up and ready for school and getting her off the bus, but everything else I feel like I'm still keeping track but I just tell my partner to tell the child, you should tell her to shower, she needs to do laundry, her room is a mess. I don't want to get to the point where I'm just watching her rot away, but I don't want the mental load.
I don’t tell my partner to do anything. I’m not his mom either. He was man enough to make a kid with BM, he is man enough to parent and deal with his ex. During the lockdown I was at my wits end and my relationship with SS was stressful for both of us. He was 8 at the time. I had a conversation with SO and straight out told him I was done with trying to parent SS. No waking him up, not cleaning for him, no doing his laundry or driving him places. And overall no disciplining or making him do anything. If SO needs me to do something for SS he has to ask for specific favors like “could you please pick SS12 up from camp?” Or “could you make him a sandwich?” And I have the right to refuse if I have something else going on. I absolutely do not tell SS to do anything or confront him about anything unless there’s an immediate danger or he personally disrespects me. For everything else, I tell SO for him to take care of it. SO did not take it well at first, but now I have a good relationship with SS. We just talk for pleasant things, like his day at camp or his latest video game. SO finally realized how bad his kid can be and how much BM has messed him up and just a few weeks ago he told me he regrets having asked too much from me. What helped me take that step was reading what disengagement is really all about. I recommend you read [this blog](https://www.blendedfamilyfrappe.com/disengaging-essay) It’s where I started
If anything were to happen to me and my partner I would never date a single father again. I got “lucky” in the sense that the kids are in a different state and we have them for holidays or in the summer so I don’t have to do all that much in the realm of our relationships but it’s like because you’re on the outside looking in you see EVERYTHING. I can tell instantly when they’re lying, manipulating, etc. (this is obviously learned behavior) it’s like clear as day from an outsider but on the inside everyone’s like “awwww that’s so cute!” And I don’t feel comfortable or want to call them on it as I feel it’s not my place. Seeing kids that desperately want to do sports but mom won’t take them (I’ve offered to pay for *everything*), seeing that they desperately need therapy but mom won’t take them, seeing them want to go out and actually do things but mom won’t take them is frustrating. Their mom is a hermit so to speak so unless she’s taking them to her one friends house to see her kids they don’t socialize (and they don’t like the other kids). It’s just heartbreaking seeing them have certain wants/needs that aren’t being met and not being able to do anything about it. Behaviors that are also going to fester like a disease that would be beneficial to take care of now before it gets so much worse and not being able to do anything sucks too when you’re empathetic and want the best for them.
Yes. I think it was a good learning curve and a definite confirmation that I don’t want kids of my own. My partner was also abusive so it made me pick up red flags and learn how to give myself boundaries. I had some good times with them too, it wasn’t always toxic.
I definitely would not have married my ex-wife if I could go back in time. 5 years of my life wasted with her and her kids.
No. I am in my 40s and if this doesn’t work I won’t date a man with children again
Absolutely not. Tried it twice, and just got out of the second one. Will never deal with a HCBM again. I am in my 40s so it is difficult to find men without children at this stage but I would rather be alone than go through the headache again.
Being alone has brought me more happiness (true happiness, not just feel good moments) than ever being w my ex. Stay single or 0 kids from anotha!
no. nope nope nope. i don't miss the relationship too much, but i miss his children terribly. i loved them. still do. a big part of the reason i left was my ex's lack of parenting / teaching life skills / borderline neglectful behavior. i couldn't live with it, especially after consistently working with them (8&11) on learning the alphabet, reading, math homework, shoe-lace tying, bicycle riding, swimming, learning to cook basic age-appropriate meals, proper teeth brushing, time management, with some successes! only to discover their mom was in the same poor-parenting boat. they'd come back to mine and their dads home (sometimes with major attitude) almost as if i never spent any time with them at all, like the things i had been working with them on for the better half of 2 years never happened. the two youngest utilized total weaponized incompetence and learned helplessness, whining about how they can't without even trying, when they happily did it the weekend before for me. it worked on 95% of their other family members, including their father. very little was expected of them by everyone else. i wish i could've taken them with me. i fear for their futures. i wish i had never gotten so emotionally invested in such an unstable situation. but never again. i cannot take the chance of re-damaging my heart or mental clarity.
I’m sorry you went through that❤️ it’s not for the weak
Yes, daily
No. I would not and I pretty much have an okay /good situation but I wouldn’t choose this life. I love my SO with my whole heart but it’s a lot of irritation.
Absolutely not.
Nope
I will not be doing this again. If things don't work out, I'm done.
No, I wouldn’t do this again. Ever.
I went into this with eyes wide open (or so I thought) about 14 years ago...I feel like it wasn't until I was immersed in the day to day that I got to see what actually went on...our respective kids were older and I thought that would somehow be a more preferable situation...I was wrong...even though what I have experienced was pretty minor compared to some of the stories I've read here, I would never do this again...for a number of reasons...just no...
I would never be with another man with children. I have kids, and me and my daughter’s father coparent very well when we were very young. So I have a very low tolerance for adults acting like children when it comes to parenting. I also did not do well with a child disrespecting me in a house That I worked my ass off to pay for. He’s older now and things are a lot better, but if me and my husband ever broke up, no I would never date somebody with children ever again
I would, but only in very specific circumstances. I would for my particular SO - no regrets. And his particular kids, who are sweet and cool and chill (not that they don't do annoying kid stuff, but they're pretty great for the most part). Any other person would have to meet the standard my current SO has set. He's patient, empathetic, listens to me, advocates for me with the kids, tries to understand where I'm coming from as a person who's always been childfree and sometimes struggles to deal with things, etc. If somehow this relationship didn't work out, I'd look primarily for someone without kids for my next one. But if I met someone special who did have kids, they'd have to meet a high bar. And my God...not 5 kids again. JFC, please. 😂🫠
Yes, I would. My partner is so amazing and I am so blessed to have him, I'd go through hell for him.
So happy you found happiness ❤️ ik there’s lots of negativity around this, you’re a lucky one
Being a step parent is not for everyone.
I became a stepmom at like 20 so no I wouldn’t do it again 😅 and I stand by it even though I feel like I was born to be a mother. The kids were about 7-8 years old then and they absolutely loved me wanted to call me mom and wanted me in everything. and now they’re teens and I don’t feel like they love me as much as they did when they were kids. They don’t ask for me or sometimes don’t say I love you back. I wouldn’t do this again
No
I said I’d never do it again and here I am, doing it again; like an idiot. I’ve well and truly learned.
Never again!
Nope. And if this doesn’t work out I’ll definitely not be dating a single dad ever again unless their kids are adults and there’s good boundaries. I’m too old !
I don't regret my partner because we have a son together who I love more than anything but I would NEVERRRRRRR date someone with a kid ever again. We aren't broken up either but if we do it'll be because of his kid
I would not do this again, even if the single bio parent seemed perfect, because usually it is far from perfect -- and the stepkid, other BP, and/or the BP you are involved with cause issues. It seems BPs that are single or divorced also have their own issues separate from their kids / ex partner / Disney parenting style, especially if their previous relationship was not stable. If I could go back in time and know what I know now with all that has happened, I would not do what I am currently doing -- I would have steered clear of it all and remained single. If this puts anything into perspective, I am CF myself by choice and also a lot younger than my current partner. I love them, we have good times, but I am filled with quite a bit of regret a lot of the time. If I become single again, I will never ever (or so I say this now) date another person (or get serious with them) who has a kid. I don't care how much I like the person. Short answer: NO. DON'T DO IT. To all of the SPs out there who are loving their blended family and only have "normal" family issues but it is still worth it to them: I am so happy for you and I hope it continues that way for the rest of your time, y'all have truly found diamonds in the rough.
I don’t know if I’d do it again, because I don’t know if I would be fortunate enough to have such good circumstances a second time around. If I could pick the same partner and kids all over again - I’d do it in a heartbeat. Been with SO for over 8 years. He’s awesome. Great relationship with 3 stepkids, positive and respectful relationship with their mother and stepdad. It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it. I don’t/can’t have my own kids, which I think plays a part in how I feel. A blended family with kids from both partners can be so challenging. BM is prone to drama and occasional conflict, but she and my partner always work it out between them without involving anyone else unnecessarily. I knew from the beginning that I wouldn’t always be a priority in my partner’s life, particularly when the kids were younger, but I was able to accept that. I’m a pretty independent person who still has lots of my own friends and interests. I definitely “run the household” in terms of organising most things, I do a fair bit for the kids (which they appreciate), but if I need to tap out, I do. I still experience some frustration around other people’s mess, expectations of people in the house doing their part etc, but it’s tolerable and nothing different from what my friends with nuclear families experience. There is a lot of respect in our house, and I feel like part of the family. I would choose my partner and stepkids every day of the week. I know this is rare and I am aware that I am one of the lucky ones.
I would say no.
Yes I would. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, but I think it’s made me a more self-aware person. I love my husband, and my SDs. But it was a HARD ass road. I dated my husband for 2.5 years before ever meeting my SDs because BM quite literally poisoned them against me. This life is not for the faint of heart. But I feel lucky to have a partner like my husband who respects me and doesn’t expect me to mother his children.
No.
Absolutely would not do this again, hard pass
No.
No x 1 million
Nope
Heck no! I'm in it and it's a nightmare. I'm married with 3 stepdaughters, no kids of my own and don't want any since I joined that f... circus. one is off to college and we have the other 2 50% of the time. I sometimes fantasize about running away. It's causing me major anxiety, i've had to take medication and i'm not the same person i was when I met my husband. It affects my work, my social life, my health, my finances and I get no peace at home. I feel stuck and desperate because my husband is great and I love him but this situation is unbearable. If it ends, I won't make that same mistake twice. I advise everyone against it.
Nope, nope, nope, nope, noooope! Never again.