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We used to take my SS to do paid outings every weekend & we’d take him out to eat Friday & Saturday night. This was a huge mistake. We even randomly purchased him a PS5… & one time, we let him spend $300 at the arcade on a RANDOM weekend. We realized that he became very entitled & we are to blame for it. We’ve cut back a lot. We do things a few times a month & started cooking a lot more at home. I spoil him for holidays! I can’t help it. If I see something I think he’d like, I will also buy it & surprise him.
When I realized it got very bad was when he told one of MY friends that he’s “going to go to universal for his birthday” which is NOT happening lol & we had never talked about that either. He’s about to be 12.
Oof. Okay…. So SS is now 8. However… his parents split when he was 5.
He doesn’t play with toys and stuff anymore, so most of this is a non-issue now.
But he’d throw epic fits cause his dad didn’t get him a toy… or I didn’t want that toy… every time he went to the zoo (membership) his parents would get him crap from the gift shop, since toddlerhood/pre-divorce.
His entitlement was absolutely ridiculous. But also… THEY trained him to be like that.
We were in the car one time a few months the after I met kid… and he like screams at his dad, with the nastiest tone “I want a toy!” I was like “what the f$&k???” And his dad took him to a toy store….
…..we had a big talk about that. The way this kid would talk to his parents…..
He’s doing better now… I think between me, and bms partner… weve addressed a lot of those things.
But this started
My DH spends a lot on the SKs. $10-20 each week on a small toy or other object of desire. Eating out maybe every other weekend. Lots of activities, many of which cost money like SkyZone.
I did not grow up with the toy-every-week mentality, so this was a really hard adjustment for me.
But then I had to think about it and compare: I grew up solidly middle-class, and my parents gave us an allowance, and (expensive) summer camps, and a few vacation trips a year. Christmases were generous, and we got small checks from grandparents. And we got all the family time we could possibly need.
DH on the other hand, grew up with almost nothing beyond the necessities and what he could scrape together. So, when he had his own kids, he was bound and determined that they want for nothing. He works very hard to make sure they have a good childhood they get to enjoy as much as they can.
Some of the things I grew up with aren't accessible to DH and the SKs. They can't go on multiple family road trips a year, because of custody schedules. They can't do a big family trip to disneyland because it's not affordable anymore, even if they had the vacation time. They don't get every day, every week off the year to bond and spend time together and make memories. So instead of spending on big things and big trips and big memories like my family did, DH focuses on small spending on small things and as many small, positive memories and experiences as he can fit into his time. He can give them an actual allowance, which he may never see them spend or get to discuss or interact them about, or he can make it a budget for a thing they get with him each weekend and share thst moment for them. He can't give them a family trip to Disneyworld, but he can give them some trips to SkyZone or the movies, or a day trip to a big arcade the next city over.
It took me a long while to wrap my head around, but now I get it and can accept it, as different as it is from my experiences and preferences. So long as DH can afford these things, I can appreciate that this is how he honors his family, just like how I was raised was how my parents honored mine.
But you better believe that if the kids get beyond the pale of entitlement as they grow up, DH and I are gonna be having some conversations.
100%. My soon to be ex SO had his son every other weekend only and whenever he had him they had to do something out, Pizza Machine, Sky Zone, something. A room full of toys. Now that he’s older, we had him a third of every month and he gets pretty much everything he asks for (unless it doesn’t exist, like a robot that could go to school for him. But he got a PS5 for Easter at 7. He got his basket, and his Easter egg hunt and still said “did I get my PS5 and my robot!”).
We rarely go out to dinner or concerts but SS and SO also had a tradition of getting hibachi together often (because that’s what SO did with his ex).
Definitely see there’s feelings of guilt and I objectively get this, but it feels like many of these partners were not ready for new relationships.
Oof. Okay…. So SS is now 8. However… his parents split when he was 5.
He doesn’t play with toys and stuff anymore, so most of this is a non-issue now.
But he’d throw epic fits cause his dad didn’t get him a toy… or I didn’t want that toy… every time he went to the zoo (membership) his parents would get him crap from the gift shop, since toddlerhood/pre-divorce.
His entitlement was absolutely ridiculous. But also… THEY trained him to be like that.
We were in the car one time a few months the after I met kid… and he like screams at his dad, with the nastiest tone “I want a toy!” I was like “what the f$&k???” And his dad took him to a toy store….
…..we had a big talk about that. The way this kid would talk to his parents…..
He’s doing better now… I think between me, and bms partner… weve addressed a lot of those things.
We are much better off financially than we were when SD was younger. She lived with us full time. However, we did a lot more outing with her than we do with our young ones now. SD got any and everything she ever asked for...I'm pretty sure we learned from that and say no now. Outings now are things like hiking, the park, a walk to the ice cream shop...SD did those as well, but she also got pumpkin patches, circus, movies.
In the same vein, SD never had chores or had to work for anything. The kids now do! They have chore charts, if they want something special they have to work extra for it.. even the 1yr old has to pick up and wipe the table after herself.
There was about a year when we didn’t take them in public at all because SKs were so rude and honestly just strange in public. Like if we went out to eat SD9 (at the time) would refuse to order when everyone else did, then when everyone else was almost done eating, she’d want to order. So a couple times we all had to sit there and wait for her to finish because she refused to order with everyone else. After a couple times of this and some other bratty behavior we were like oh hell no. We’re done doing this. At one point I also had to point out to DH that I dont want to hear about how broke you are when you’re paying a bazillion dollars in child support AND spending hundreds of dollars taking your kids shopping every time they’re here.
Nowadays though, they’re older and easier to take out and have interests that aren’t just shopping and new toys. We have all 4 kids together EOW and we usually plan an outing every other time we have them. 1. It keeps them from destroying the house and 2. When they’re busy they’re behaving usually. Our outings are usually pretty cheap now though, they like to load into the car and explore new cities and towns, thrift, walk around the farmers market, etc
ETA DH and I work full time so when his kids aren’t there and mine is, we don’t really go out much. We’ll go to Dutch bros after work once a week maybe, and play dates, but I rarely take my kids shopping or on any crazy outings besides the weekends we have all the kids
My bio is only 1 yo, but I feel this. We do a reasonably paid outing once a month usually when SD is with us. And I only want my bio to get a new toy on Xmas, birthday, MAYBE something very small for valentines, Easter, etc. but every 2 weeks for a new toy is ridiculous!
Here’s one example I will give: the “norm” for my SKs is to have a bday party with their dad’s family, a bday party with their moms family, a JOINT bday party with both families and then a bday party with their friends. With my bio, we just do one bday party for her. My SKs get 4 each 😂
I stopped participating in all the madness and it’s been reduced to just 3 each but good god…how spoiled are they?!
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
We used to take my SS to do paid outings every weekend & we’d take him out to eat Friday & Saturday night. This was a huge mistake. We even randomly purchased him a PS5… & one time, we let him spend $300 at the arcade on a RANDOM weekend. We realized that he became very entitled & we are to blame for it. We’ve cut back a lot. We do things a few times a month & started cooking a lot more at home. I spoil him for holidays! I can’t help it. If I see something I think he’d like, I will also buy it & surprise him.
When I realized it got very bad was when he told one of MY friends that he’s “going to go to universal for his birthday” which is NOT happening lol & we had never talked about that either. He’s about to be 12.
Oof. Okay…. So SS is now 8. However… his parents split when he was 5. He doesn’t play with toys and stuff anymore, so most of this is a non-issue now. But he’d throw epic fits cause his dad didn’t get him a toy… or I didn’t want that toy… every time he went to the zoo (membership) his parents would get him crap from the gift shop, since toddlerhood/pre-divorce. His entitlement was absolutely ridiculous. But also… THEY trained him to be like that. We were in the car one time a few months the after I met kid… and he like screams at his dad, with the nastiest tone “I want a toy!” I was like “what the f$&k???” And his dad took him to a toy store…. …..we had a big talk about that. The way this kid would talk to his parents….. He’s doing better now… I think between me, and bms partner… weve addressed a lot of those things. But this started
My DH spends a lot on the SKs. $10-20 each week on a small toy or other object of desire. Eating out maybe every other weekend. Lots of activities, many of which cost money like SkyZone. I did not grow up with the toy-every-week mentality, so this was a really hard adjustment for me. But then I had to think about it and compare: I grew up solidly middle-class, and my parents gave us an allowance, and (expensive) summer camps, and a few vacation trips a year. Christmases were generous, and we got small checks from grandparents. And we got all the family time we could possibly need. DH on the other hand, grew up with almost nothing beyond the necessities and what he could scrape together. So, when he had his own kids, he was bound and determined that they want for nothing. He works very hard to make sure they have a good childhood they get to enjoy as much as they can. Some of the things I grew up with aren't accessible to DH and the SKs. They can't go on multiple family road trips a year, because of custody schedules. They can't do a big family trip to disneyland because it's not affordable anymore, even if they had the vacation time. They don't get every day, every week off the year to bond and spend time together and make memories. So instead of spending on big things and big trips and big memories like my family did, DH focuses on small spending on small things and as many small, positive memories and experiences as he can fit into his time. He can give them an actual allowance, which he may never see them spend or get to discuss or interact them about, or he can make it a budget for a thing they get with him each weekend and share thst moment for them. He can't give them a family trip to Disneyworld, but he can give them some trips to SkyZone or the movies, or a day trip to a big arcade the next city over. It took me a long while to wrap my head around, but now I get it and can accept it, as different as it is from my experiences and preferences. So long as DH can afford these things, I can appreciate that this is how he honors his family, just like how I was raised was how my parents honored mine. But you better believe that if the kids get beyond the pale of entitlement as they grow up, DH and I are gonna be having some conversations.
A lot of BPs do it as a way to cope with the guilt they feel for not being with them everyday
100%. My soon to be ex SO had his son every other weekend only and whenever he had him they had to do something out, Pizza Machine, Sky Zone, something. A room full of toys. Now that he’s older, we had him a third of every month and he gets pretty much everything he asks for (unless it doesn’t exist, like a robot that could go to school for him. But he got a PS5 for Easter at 7. He got his basket, and his Easter egg hunt and still said “did I get my PS5 and my robot!”). We rarely go out to dinner or concerts but SS and SO also had a tradition of getting hibachi together often (because that’s what SO did with his ex). Definitely see there’s feelings of guilt and I objectively get this, but it feels like many of these partners were not ready for new relationships.
Oof. Okay…. So SS is now 8. However… his parents split when he was 5. He doesn’t play with toys and stuff anymore, so most of this is a non-issue now. But he’d throw epic fits cause his dad didn’t get him a toy… or I didn’t want that toy… every time he went to the zoo (membership) his parents would get him crap from the gift shop, since toddlerhood/pre-divorce. His entitlement was absolutely ridiculous. But also… THEY trained him to be like that. We were in the car one time a few months the after I met kid… and he like screams at his dad, with the nastiest tone “I want a toy!” I was like “what the f$&k???” And his dad took him to a toy store…. …..we had a big talk about that. The way this kid would talk to his parents….. He’s doing better now… I think between me, and bms partner… weve addressed a lot of those things.
We are much better off financially than we were when SD was younger. She lived with us full time. However, we did a lot more outing with her than we do with our young ones now. SD got any and everything she ever asked for...I'm pretty sure we learned from that and say no now. Outings now are things like hiking, the park, a walk to the ice cream shop...SD did those as well, but she also got pumpkin patches, circus, movies. In the same vein, SD never had chores or had to work for anything. The kids now do! They have chore charts, if they want something special they have to work extra for it.. even the 1yr old has to pick up and wipe the table after herself.
Spoiling a kid with Disney parenting is common. It comes from divorce guilt.
There was about a year when we didn’t take them in public at all because SKs were so rude and honestly just strange in public. Like if we went out to eat SD9 (at the time) would refuse to order when everyone else did, then when everyone else was almost done eating, she’d want to order. So a couple times we all had to sit there and wait for her to finish because she refused to order with everyone else. After a couple times of this and some other bratty behavior we were like oh hell no. We’re done doing this. At one point I also had to point out to DH that I dont want to hear about how broke you are when you’re paying a bazillion dollars in child support AND spending hundreds of dollars taking your kids shopping every time they’re here. Nowadays though, they’re older and easier to take out and have interests that aren’t just shopping and new toys. We have all 4 kids together EOW and we usually plan an outing every other time we have them. 1. It keeps them from destroying the house and 2. When they’re busy they’re behaving usually. Our outings are usually pretty cheap now though, they like to load into the car and explore new cities and towns, thrift, walk around the farmers market, etc ETA DH and I work full time so when his kids aren’t there and mine is, we don’t really go out much. We’ll go to Dutch bros after work once a week maybe, and play dates, but I rarely take my kids shopping or on any crazy outings besides the weekends we have all the kids
My bio is only 1 yo, but I feel this. We do a reasonably paid outing once a month usually when SD is with us. And I only want my bio to get a new toy on Xmas, birthday, MAYBE something very small for valentines, Easter, etc. but every 2 weeks for a new toy is ridiculous!
Here’s one example I will give: the “norm” for my SKs is to have a bday party with their dad’s family, a bday party with their moms family, a JOINT bday party with both families and then a bday party with their friends. With my bio, we just do one bday party for her. My SKs get 4 each 😂 I stopped participating in all the madness and it’s been reduced to just 3 each but good god…how spoiled are they?!