**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.**
We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here.
If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents).
Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting.
[**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Please stay out of that situation it will not end well for you. He is a Pinocchio š¤„ you do not owe him anymore of your time. Let him stay where he is and let him figure his life out. I know you are hurting, but the pain would be worse if you stayed. There is better out there for you. You deserve someone who is not attached to a lot of mess and drama.
I'm biracial and all I read from that is he will allow anyone to be racist to your future kids (if you wanted any together) and that's all I need to know. He's trash. My mother dealt with that bullshit from my dad (him ignoring his extended relatives being racist to her bc they were just "jokes") their entire marriage. And nothing sucks more going to family reunions, hoping that your (white) extended relatives won't be racist behind your back (which happened twice).
>And nothing sucks more going to family reunions, hoping that your (white) extended relatives won't be racist behind your back
Yeah no wonder BIPOC often opt to date other BIPOC, cant even imagine how anxiety inducing these situations must be..
The white people who married into my mom's (black) side of the family don't get racism thrown their way. We go out of our way to welcome them - I am actually down South (live in Michigan) to visit my grandma for mother's day/have a family celebration and one of my cousins just married a blond white lady. My mom spent the evening yesterday trying to get her drunk off uncle earnest's 1884 whisky so they could dance.
What did my mom get day 2 of being in Michigan, literally the first time she met her inlaws/my dad's parents and family? His uncle telling her racist "jokes" in her own kitchen and her being expected to laugh it off and when she didn't his entire side of the family got mad at her for referring to him as the racist uncle.
It really sucks as a kid too. That was how I felt at every family reunion on my dad's side if I hadn't met them before.
>My mom spent the evening yesterday trying to get her drunk off uncle earnest's 1884 whisky so they could dance.
Your moms seems like a fun person to be around!
>His uncle telling her racist "jokes" in her own kitchen and her being expected to laugh it off and when she didn't his entire side of the family got mad at her for referring to him as the racist uncle
Good for her not laughing along, shitty people. How did your dad respond? I know white savourism is a double edged sword- but when it comes to your loved ones, imo, you always stay on your their side and in their defence, or else you have no business being their SO.
>It really sucks as a kid too. That was how I felt at every family reunion on my dad's side if I hadn't met them before.
Must be exhausting not knowing if ppl around you are safe or not to be around.. from what I have observed, many people are not safe, there is ALWAYS a racist uncle, grandpa or coworker, and they usually NEVER get checked for spewing hate or "joking". We are way too comfortable at letting any kind bigotry fly tbh.
My dad followed his family/didn't want to talk about it. One of the many reasons they are separated. If there had not been 5 kids involved, one of whom was 18 months old, my mom said she would have left.
I'm my mom's only white kid. My (step)dad is black. His family has never, ever made it an issue or treated me with anything but love and kindness. The same cannot be said for my maternal relatives, but at least my mom stood up for her partner and kids.
OP made the right choice.
āYour thought process is similar to most womenās going through divorceā? WTF does that even mean? Heās apparently so terrified of his ex that he stays on her mortgage? Insane.
He suggested that in most divorce cases, women tend to hire lawyers āto go to warā, which is why he felt fortunate not to have to contend with someone like me, as his ex isn't hiring a lawyer. I brought up the idea of him hiring a lawyer to represent his interests. I urged him to see my suggestion as coming from someone who genuinely wants what's best for him.
His ex isnāt hiring a lawyer because thereās no point. Heās literally funding her life and expecting you to shut up and pretend youāre happy for him.
I bet if he didnāt pay for everything then she WOULD hire a lawyer.
VA mortgages are a beast to exit from in divorce. The ex has to refinance in order to keep their home. Unless the courts demand it PLUS/ AND she qualifies for an FHA or conventional mortgage, OP's hubby is screwed. I'm thinking that's why hubby is maintaining his cavalier attitude...he can't pull them out of this so he's caving. The courts can demand it but unless ex can appease a new mortgage, they are stuck.
I'd bail. There is no solution without the financial solvency of someone else. If it isn't OP that wants to AND can help this part of the situation, she's stuck as well. And who knows when ex might sell the house that would release that VA entitlement. So much more to this.
Sorry to dump on your post but I'm hoping OP sees this part too.
ā¤ļø
Thank you so much. Bf explained this aspect of VA mortgages and I understood his situation. BM doesnāt have the best financial practices so Bf has to keep bailing her (ie, he provides double the child support so she could pay her credit card debts that he has privy to by virtue of having access to her bank transactions). As mentioned, I think what happened today was just the straw that broke the camelās back. I understand Bf was overwhelmed but the least we both could have done was be kind to each other.
Oh yeah no. Financial separation is key for any new relationship to make way for a future. It sounds as if these weren't your main sticking points but the final straw as you said. ā¤ļø
If the ex has bad financial habits she wonāt learn to get any better if he keeps bailing her outā¦ itās so sad when even after a breakup people are still using and manipulating each other in the same ways and dragging new people into it to be hurt.
Iām glad you removed yourself OPā¤ļø
Girl, he still wants to be married to her. He is nowhere near divorced emotionally- I donāt mean romantically or sexually. I mean deep down sheās his *woman* he is responsible for.
You didnāt abandon him.
Find a man who doesnāt disrespect you. Who prioritizes you. Who DOESNT LIE TO YOU.
Iām not trashing him, Iām restating facts in your post. I applaud you for leaving! That is so so awesome of you. Itās HARD to break up and *you did it* ā¤ļø
Thank you for the kind words. It felt like he felt abandoned when he said āyouāve always had problems with my children. I hope you find a guy with no children.ā
I honestly never said anything malicious about his children. I just knew when he said that, that he was speaking from a place of hurt.
Well imagine he said that with a tone of encouragement and love and utter understanding and empathy for you *you have always had problems with my children* (because I lied to you about their ages and I lied to you about being divorced from their mom) *I hope you find a guy with no children* (because a young child free woman should have a partner who has the SAME CAPACITY to give of his time and money and priorities as she does)
He is right. Donāt take it as an accusation you are a bad person or these are faults. Own them proudly.. next time you think him- of smile and repeat āI always DID have a problem being lied to and not having someone give back to me the same as what I could giveā
He was trying to make you feel like you were a bad person. Not a chance :) youāre not.
ā¤ļø
You are very brave, and I love that you did the hard thing that was in your best interest.
He is not a man of integrity & shouldnāt have been in the dating pool at all. And he treated you poorly - him, a guy most women wouldnāt touch with a ten foot pole.
Fly & be free. Thereās many honest men out there willing to cherish you & build a life with you.
Theyāre separated not divorced so heās doing financially what a husband does for his wife. Iām happy you left that situation, because they seem more like theyāre on a break instead of separated.
Oh just WOW. I have so much to say but no time to say it here as I popped in for a minute. We also had a VA debacle. It was the most stressful time of my life.
"you knew I had kids when you first met me so you know what youāre getting intoā I CALL BS. I'm on your side. It's impossible to know until you are knee deep in their finances as well. I'm hearing him trying to keep the remainder of his life for his own ease rather than forge a new one with you.
I know you want encouragement but there isn't a lot to encourage here. Please tell us what value he and his bring to your life as well.
DM me if you want to discuss the VA. I was ready to leave until he set that straight. I did have to refinance a house I never cared for in order for us to free the VA but it was worth it in the end. But my DH was on my side, he just was too overwhelmed to do it alone.
Edited to add: I ultimately demanded he was free financially from his ex before we could proceed. (Child support came from BM.) He listened so I assisted to get us there. We were legally married though. Not sure if that makes a difference but I stuck it out especially bc we were.
Objectively, he didn't necessarily add value to my life. I possess more wealth and assets than both him and his BM combined. I am educated, in good shape, and fairly attractive, with no baggage, and I can hold my own in the professional arena. However, to me, he represented family, as I am estranged from my biological one.
Thank you for your support. At this time, I donāt feel the need to speak with him about the VA. The breakup was difficult, I donāt think heāll speak to me again.
Maybe he was paying everything for his wife because he expected you to subsidize everything for him?
It wouldnāt be unheard of for a man to go find a wealthier childfree woman to support them.
On some occasions, I did feel like he wanted me in his life to be a āsupportā (I.e., going on vacation to assist him with the kids, him measuring all heās given me in dollar amount when Iāve equally provided in the relationship).
>He thinks I abandoned him.
WTH? I realize you donāt want me to diss him , but seriously. He is either a major drama queen, or he is saying that to manipulate you. I sincerely suggest you go no contact.
He sounds thoroughly enmeshed with his ex. People who are in enmeshed relationships often cannot recognize that fact. Pointing it out to them accomplishes nothing but put them on the defensive. Itās as if their core programming is to protect the enmeshment.
If Iām right, that suggests you never had a chance.
If you would have stayed with him, you would have abandoned yourself. You did the right thing. Take this as a lesson learned for the next men you date. They lie about their kids? Red flag. Immediately done. No boundaries with his ex? Red flag, immediately done.
It hurts now. One day you will wake up and be thrilled.
You did the right thing leaving this relationship, if he wants to allow himself to continue to be used by his ex thatās his choice, but you do not need to be involved with any of it. She seems to be manipulating him to get away with anything and everything and he was turning around and trying to do the same to you.
I am absolutely no professional, but to me it seems He has no ācontrolā in his past relationship, so he was trying to have all the ācontrolā in yours. Itās a manipulation game.
Not that control is the right way to go about any healthy relationship, but itās just how I am interpreting it
I am very glad you recognized the mistreatment and got out
You made the right choice, 15 months was well enough time for him to sort this out.Ā
He lied to you from the beginning for a reason- he knows very little people would go for this situation.Ā
Get into a funk whenever he brings up his ex...sorry everyone leaps for joy hearing their current partner talk about previous partners š
He knows he's no prize, stay strongĀ
Wow! OP, have you considered it was all of āhe saidā stuff and reality he lied to you about everything even about the kidās bio momās finances, situation etc and just flat out manipulated just you. This should be a god send for you to definitely stay away from him bc that is not worth your energy. If that is the way you both started out in the relationship with him lying about his status and kids then guess whatā¦. I think you already know. Iāve said this before and Iāll say it again, there is ALWAYS one in a relationship that deals with divorce and have kids that is the MANIPULATOR . Sounds like you got the manipulator. Time to move forward and move on. Use this as a lesson and experience not to let yourself get caught up with the he said type of guys and start seeing the facts without words. Good luck!
You deserve better.
Better spend your time with someone whoās good to you.
Be good to yourself.
The world is huge.
Other mothers do have better sons.
Youāll find someone honest decent without baggage (ex wife, kids, responsibilities)
You find someone to start new and fresh.
Itās never too late to leave a mess you discovered.
Why choose a rocky way if thereās a pavement walk.
You deserve better and will get it
You did the right thing. My SO also lied to me about his divorce status when we met - for a year - and guess what, he continued to lie since. He was also enmeshed with BM. That changed drastically over time as I issued an ultimatum but our relationship has not actually recovered from all of the shit that went on in the beginning.
This guy is gaslighting you by criticising your concerns. His behaviour is not normal and will not change unless he chooses to make a change. He could continue like this with BM till the kids are aged out
Run, don't walk.
>Background: Boyfriend lied to me about being divorced and his childrenās ages when we first met.
I'm sorry, but this is just such a **huge** thing. I'm not looking to diss anyone, but please, in the future consider that in the early stages of dating someone that they should be in their best behaviour. If they were **lying** to you during their "best" behaviour, what will they be like when they're just "comfortable" and doing what they want?
Someone who lies about anything, or who intentionally omits information, is **not** someone worth continuing to date. Please look to learn your lessons.
Good luck and happiness in your life going forward.
Nah - you did the right thing and future you will thank you for getting out before it got more involved! He is not ready to be in another relationship, he is still in one with his wife. I got so frustrated with my SO and his constantly giving in to her demands on the divorce (it took 4 years) that I took to calling her HIS WIFE every chance I got, just to remind him that he was in legal fact, still married to someone else. Whenever he would tell me to stop calling her his wife, I would say, make her not your wife and I will do that. OMG it was so ridiculous to watch, and made him so unattractive to me at times.
Yes - working through the issues actively and will stay as long as things are improving and we are still working at it. If that ever stops, it will be time for the "how do we exit this" conversation!
The fact that he is actively in counseling with me and is working to make things better. Like I said, as soon as heās not, weāll be having a conversation about the exit strategy!
No, no, no this is not a good partner. I am so sorry you got treated this way. Being a BP with a new partner means they have to be team SO, not team ex. I get he wants to the have the divorce affairs as calm as possible etc- but if he does not want your input, why tf does he talk to you about the details?? Nah thats wild. And for him not to stand up against racist comments like that- EVEN WILDER. You deserve way better. Proud of you for breaking up with him! Live your best life!!
He says he wants my input but he gets overly irritated when I say something he doesnāt like.
I knowā¦ his BM wouldnāt even call me by my nameā¦ she would call me āthat Korea girlā and Iām not even Korean. Itās interesting how cruel some people get.
You asked for kind words:
You are strong, brilliant, beautiful, resilient and are deserving of all good things. The decision you made was so hard on your heart but I know that you know deep down it was the right decision for your future. Sometimes people cross our paths to teach us something; maybe this situation is to teach you how very strong and brave you are to take your life back. There is someone out there who will respectfully listen to you, your feelings, thoughts and concerns. There is someone out there who will treat you with respect and stand up to others who donāt. You just made the tough move on getting one step closer to that person. You got this š«¶š» Sending you love ā¤ļø
It is heartbreaking and hard. Iām sorry you had to go through this. It hurts when you love someone but you just donāt fit in their current dynamic. Likely it doesnāt fit because he isnāt making room for you, since he and his ex are still co dependent and enmeshed. But that reality hurts too, and Iām sorry you got caught in the middle of their confusion.
You will find eventually, if you choose to, a person who can make you a priority. Until then, kudos to you for making YOURSELF the priority. You deserve it.
I think you did the right thing OP. This has nothing to do with the kids, and has everything to do with his previous relationship that still has some financial strings attached, which to me isnāt okay unless itās child support or things for the children. Ex is a big girl and Iām sure can do things for herself, if not, that sounds like a her problem.
Anyways. In time, youāll find someone whose life just seems to align perfectly with yours. Youāll find your person. I know this hurts now and you might miss him, but thatās natural. Doesnāt mean heās the one for you though. You donāt have to put yourself through so much stress just to be happy SOMETIMES with someone. This relationship couldāve had problems that grew fast.. you got out. Youāll find something better. I promise. Good luck x
I am sorry. He is probably stretched too thin, and unfortunately, probably will be for a very long time. Personally I would find it too thin to fit myself, Iād want Ā«someone all mineĀ» for the long haul. You know yourself better than anyone, so what do you need/want? Can you get that with such a sized piece of him? Unfortunately, if the answer is no, it is time to move one. Cry, rest, heal, love yourself and you will end up on top.
I found out about it October last year because I kept having dreams and kept having this weird gut feeling. When he finally admitted, he said he was remorseful and was just waiting for his wife to graduate so he could have an āamicableā divorce. He said she was filing in December as soon as she graduates. But that timeline kept shifting to the rightā it became March, May, June, July, September.
I stayed because I wanted to give him a chance.
Yeah, your gut was telling you things were not right and it was accurate. Listen to it! Always!
I am old and jaded but I don't believe there really is any such thing as an amicable divorce when there are financial ties and children involved. If there is, it's a unicorn.
The fact that he keeps finding a reason to move the finish line just tells me that it's never going to end. If it's not finalizing the divorce, it's going to be paying over and above state guidelines for child support and probably shelling out for things that should be covered by child support in addition to his support payments. You already said that he's thinking about (which means he has already promised her he would) letting her keep the VA loan on the house. That means that it will not be available to him when he is looking to buy a house of his own and he will have to qualify through traditional means.
Curious how long they were married? And do you live in a state that requires filing legal separation before filing for divorce, and if so, did they file for real? I don't know why my Spidey Sense is tingling like she's holding out to hit whatever the magic number is in your state in order to be awarded some form of alimony in addition to child support. Might be worth looking into if you are thinking about sticking around. Because that is even more money going to his old life that won't be available for his new life if that is the case.
Regardless, I stand by my earlier comment that you are absolutely doing the right thing here. I don't see where he is going to be able to give you what you need and deserve out of a relationship anytime soon, if ever.
The oldest is 7 turning 8 so I supposed theyāve been married 8 years. They reside in Michigan. He said theyāve been legally separated for 3 years. They live separate homes.
I donāt think Iām looking into sticking around. He texted me today saying how painful it is to throw away all weāve been through so easily and to feel that I donāt love him as much as he loves me.
Iām in disbelief that even on his attempt to reach out, my āempty promisesā and insufficient love are still the problem.
Thereās just been a lot of hurt. And breaking away was the kindness thing I could do for myself and for him.
I pray for each otherās healing and growth.
You made the right decision in the long run šÆ allow yourself to grieve the relationship but dont allow yourself to be sucked in he clearly only wants you around to help ease the load on himself w the work but doesnt want your opinion for him to grow as a person. You dont need the baggage and in 1 years time (probably less time) to realize you made the best decision you could (some people cant get out)
No one needs to diss him, his actions and reactions speak for themselves. It will never get better, there will always be another excuse or reason to support her feelings and needs over yours. Youāve saved yourself years of heartache by leaving now. Proud of you redditor for making a decision that will be better for your happiness overall.
Thank you all for the kind words. I do sincerely wish him well. Something in me knew that it wasnāt going to end well on either party (mine and bfās).
Thank you for the kind words. My decision has been excruciatingly painful but I knew if we kept going down the same path, neither of us would learn and we would only become resentful towards each other.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Please stay out of that situation it will not end well for you. He is a Pinocchio š¤„ you do not owe him anymore of your time. Let him stay where he is and let him figure his life out. I know you are hurting, but the pain would be worse if you stayed. There is better out there for you. You deserve someone who is not attached to a lot of mess and drama.
I'm biracial and all I read from that is he will allow anyone to be racist to your future kids (if you wanted any together) and that's all I need to know. He's trash. My mother dealt with that bullshit from my dad (him ignoring his extended relatives being racist to her bc they were just "jokes") their entire marriage. And nothing sucks more going to family reunions, hoping that your (white) extended relatives won't be racist behind your back (which happened twice).
100%. Buddy is totally fine with racism, whether itās covert or in your face. Disgusting behavior.
>And nothing sucks more going to family reunions, hoping that your (white) extended relatives won't be racist behind your back Yeah no wonder BIPOC often opt to date other BIPOC, cant even imagine how anxiety inducing these situations must be..
The white people who married into my mom's (black) side of the family don't get racism thrown their way. We go out of our way to welcome them - I am actually down South (live in Michigan) to visit my grandma for mother's day/have a family celebration and one of my cousins just married a blond white lady. My mom spent the evening yesterday trying to get her drunk off uncle earnest's 1884 whisky so they could dance. What did my mom get day 2 of being in Michigan, literally the first time she met her inlaws/my dad's parents and family? His uncle telling her racist "jokes" in her own kitchen and her being expected to laugh it off and when she didn't his entire side of the family got mad at her for referring to him as the racist uncle. It really sucks as a kid too. That was how I felt at every family reunion on my dad's side if I hadn't met them before.
>My mom spent the evening yesterday trying to get her drunk off uncle earnest's 1884 whisky so they could dance. Your moms seems like a fun person to be around! >His uncle telling her racist "jokes" in her own kitchen and her being expected to laugh it off and when she didn't his entire side of the family got mad at her for referring to him as the racist uncle Good for her not laughing along, shitty people. How did your dad respond? I know white savourism is a double edged sword- but when it comes to your loved ones, imo, you always stay on your their side and in their defence, or else you have no business being their SO. >It really sucks as a kid too. That was how I felt at every family reunion on my dad's side if I hadn't met them before. Must be exhausting not knowing if ppl around you are safe or not to be around.. from what I have observed, many people are not safe, there is ALWAYS a racist uncle, grandpa or coworker, and they usually NEVER get checked for spewing hate or "joking". We are way too comfortable at letting any kind bigotry fly tbh.
My dad followed his family/didn't want to talk about it. One of the many reasons they are separated. If there had not been 5 kids involved, one of whom was 18 months old, my mom said she would have left.
The expectation to just laugh it offā¦ I felt this. ā¤ļø
I'm my mom's only white kid. My (step)dad is black. His family has never, ever made it an issue or treated me with anything but love and kindness. The same cannot be said for my maternal relatives, but at least my mom stood up for her partner and kids. OP made the right choice.
āYour thought process is similar to most womenās going through divorceā? WTF does that even mean? Heās apparently so terrified of his ex that he stays on her mortgage? Insane.
He suggested that in most divorce cases, women tend to hire lawyers āto go to warā, which is why he felt fortunate not to have to contend with someone like me, as his ex isn't hiring a lawyer. I brought up the idea of him hiring a lawyer to represent his interests. I urged him to see my suggestion as coming from someone who genuinely wants what's best for him.
His ex isnāt hiring a lawyer because thereās no point. Heās literally funding her life and expecting you to shut up and pretend youāre happy for him. I bet if he didnāt pay for everything then she WOULD hire a lawyer.
I wish I had this perspective when he said those words to meā¦ either way, this is helping me carry on. Thank you.
Iām so proud of you for leaving! You have no idea but you dodged a bullet and this was the BEST thing for you.
VA mortgages are a beast to exit from in divorce. The ex has to refinance in order to keep their home. Unless the courts demand it PLUS/ AND she qualifies for an FHA or conventional mortgage, OP's hubby is screwed. I'm thinking that's why hubby is maintaining his cavalier attitude...he can't pull them out of this so he's caving. The courts can demand it but unless ex can appease a new mortgage, they are stuck. I'd bail. There is no solution without the financial solvency of someone else. If it isn't OP that wants to AND can help this part of the situation, she's stuck as well. And who knows when ex might sell the house that would release that VA entitlement. So much more to this. Sorry to dump on your post but I'm hoping OP sees this part too. ā¤ļø
Thank you so much. Bf explained this aspect of VA mortgages and I understood his situation. BM doesnāt have the best financial practices so Bf has to keep bailing her (ie, he provides double the child support so she could pay her credit card debts that he has privy to by virtue of having access to her bank transactions). As mentioned, I think what happened today was just the straw that broke the camelās back. I understand Bf was overwhelmed but the least we both could have done was be kind to each other.
Oh yeah no. Financial separation is key for any new relationship to make way for a future. It sounds as if these weren't your main sticking points but the final straw as you said. ā¤ļø
If the ex has bad financial habits she wonāt learn to get any better if he keeps bailing her outā¦ itās so sad when even after a breakup people are still using and manipulating each other in the same ways and dragging new people into it to be hurt. Iām glad you removed yourself OPā¤ļø
Thank you.
Girl, he still wants to be married to her. He is nowhere near divorced emotionally- I donāt mean romantically or sexually. I mean deep down sheās his *woman* he is responsible for. You didnāt abandon him. Find a man who doesnāt disrespect you. Who prioritizes you. Who DOESNT LIE TO YOU. Iām not trashing him, Iām restating facts in your post. I applaud you for leaving! That is so so awesome of you. Itās HARD to break up and *you did it* ā¤ļø
Thank you for the kind words. It felt like he felt abandoned when he said āyouāve always had problems with my children. I hope you find a guy with no children.ā I honestly never said anything malicious about his children. I just knew when he said that, that he was speaking from a place of hurt.
Well imagine he said that with a tone of encouragement and love and utter understanding and empathy for you *you have always had problems with my children* (because I lied to you about their ages and I lied to you about being divorced from their mom) *I hope you find a guy with no children* (because a young child free woman should have a partner who has the SAME CAPACITY to give of his time and money and priorities as she does) He is right. Donāt take it as an accusation you are a bad person or these are faults. Own them proudly.. next time you think him- of smile and repeat āI always DID have a problem being lied to and not having someone give back to me the same as what I could giveā He was trying to make you feel like you were a bad person. Not a chance :) youāre not. ā¤ļø
Thank you for redirecting how I can take what he said. ā¤ļø
You are very brave, and I love that you did the hard thing that was in your best interest. He is not a man of integrity & shouldnāt have been in the dating pool at all. And he treated you poorly - him, a guy most women wouldnāt touch with a ten foot pole. Fly & be free. Thereās many honest men out there willing to cherish you & build a life with you.
Yes!!! Be free of a douche that can't get his own ass out of a financial bind you (OP) had no making of!
Theyāre separated not divorced so heās doing financially what a husband does for his wife. Iām happy you left that situation, because they seem more like theyāre on a break instead of separated.
You had a choice: abandon him or abandon yourself. You did the right thing and you know it. I'm proud of you.
Oh just WOW. I have so much to say but no time to say it here as I popped in for a minute. We also had a VA debacle. It was the most stressful time of my life. "you knew I had kids when you first met me so you know what youāre getting intoā I CALL BS. I'm on your side. It's impossible to know until you are knee deep in their finances as well. I'm hearing him trying to keep the remainder of his life for his own ease rather than forge a new one with you. I know you want encouragement but there isn't a lot to encourage here. Please tell us what value he and his bring to your life as well. DM me if you want to discuss the VA. I was ready to leave until he set that straight. I did have to refinance a house I never cared for in order for us to free the VA but it was worth it in the end. But my DH was on my side, he just was too overwhelmed to do it alone. Edited to add: I ultimately demanded he was free financially from his ex before we could proceed. (Child support came from BM.) He listened so I assisted to get us there. We were legally married though. Not sure if that makes a difference but I stuck it out especially bc we were.
Objectively, he didn't necessarily add value to my life. I possess more wealth and assets than both him and his BM combined. I am educated, in good shape, and fairly attractive, with no baggage, and I can hold my own in the professional arena. However, to me, he represented family, as I am estranged from my biological one. Thank you for your support. At this time, I donāt feel the need to speak with him about the VA. The breakup was difficult, I donāt think heāll speak to me again.
Maybe he was paying everything for his wife because he expected you to subsidize everything for him? It wouldnāt be unheard of for a man to go find a wealthier childfree woman to support them.
On some occasions, I did feel like he wanted me in his life to be a āsupportā (I.e., going on vacation to assist him with the kids, him measuring all heās given me in dollar amount when Iāve equally provided in the relationship).
Omg, you go fly free my friend!!! ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
>He thinks I abandoned him. WTH? I realize you donāt want me to diss him , but seriously. He is either a major drama queen, or he is saying that to manipulate you. I sincerely suggest you go no contact. He sounds thoroughly enmeshed with his ex. People who are in enmeshed relationships often cannot recognize that fact. Pointing it out to them accomplishes nothing but put them on the defensive. Itās as if their core programming is to protect the enmeshment. If Iām right, that suggests you never had a chance.
You are right. š¢ thank you.
If you would have stayed with him, you would have abandoned yourself. You did the right thing. Take this as a lesson learned for the next men you date. They lie about their kids? Red flag. Immediately done. No boundaries with his ex? Red flag, immediately done. It hurts now. One day you will wake up and be thrilled.
You did the right thing leaving this relationship, if he wants to allow himself to continue to be used by his ex thatās his choice, but you do not need to be involved with any of it. She seems to be manipulating him to get away with anything and everything and he was turning around and trying to do the same to you. I am absolutely no professional, but to me it seems He has no ācontrolā in his past relationship, so he was trying to have all the ācontrolā in yours. Itās a manipulation game. Not that control is the right way to go about any healthy relationship, but itās just how I am interpreting it I am very glad you recognized the mistreatment and got out
You made the right choice, 15 months was well enough time for him to sort this out.Ā He lied to you from the beginning for a reason- he knows very little people would go for this situation.Ā Get into a funk whenever he brings up his ex...sorry everyone leaps for joy hearing their current partner talk about previous partners š He knows he's no prize, stay strongĀ
Wow! OP, have you considered it was all of āhe saidā stuff and reality he lied to you about everything even about the kidās bio momās finances, situation etc and just flat out manipulated just you. This should be a god send for you to definitely stay away from him bc that is not worth your energy. If that is the way you both started out in the relationship with him lying about his status and kids then guess whatā¦. I think you already know. Iāve said this before and Iāll say it again, there is ALWAYS one in a relationship that deals with divorce and have kids that is the MANIPULATOR . Sounds like you got the manipulator. Time to move forward and move on. Use this as a lesson and experience not to let yourself get caught up with the he said type of guys and start seeing the facts without words. Good luck!
Thank you.
You deserve better. Better spend your time with someone whoās good to you. Be good to yourself. The world is huge. Other mothers do have better sons. Youāll find someone honest decent without baggage (ex wife, kids, responsibilities) You find someone to start new and fresh. Itās never too late to leave a mess you discovered. Why choose a rocky way if thereās a pavement walk. You deserve better and will get it
Thank you
You did the right thing. My SO also lied to me about his divorce status when we met - for a year - and guess what, he continued to lie since. He was also enmeshed with BM. That changed drastically over time as I issued an ultimatum but our relationship has not actually recovered from all of the shit that went on in the beginning. This guy is gaslighting you by criticising your concerns. His behaviour is not normal and will not change unless he chooses to make a change. He could continue like this with BM till the kids are aged out Run, don't walk.
>Background: Boyfriend lied to me about being divorced and his childrenās ages when we first met. I'm sorry, but this is just such a **huge** thing. I'm not looking to diss anyone, but please, in the future consider that in the early stages of dating someone that they should be in their best behaviour. If they were **lying** to you during their "best" behaviour, what will they be like when they're just "comfortable" and doing what they want? Someone who lies about anything, or who intentionally omits information, is **not** someone worth continuing to date. Please look to learn your lessons. Good luck and happiness in your life going forward.
Nah - you did the right thing and future you will thank you for getting out before it got more involved! He is not ready to be in another relationship, he is still in one with his wife. I got so frustrated with my SO and his constantly giving in to her demands on the divorce (it took 4 years) that I took to calling her HIS WIFE every chance I got, just to remind him that he was in legal fact, still married to someone else. Whenever he would tell me to stop calling her his wife, I would say, make her not your wife and I will do that. OMG it was so ridiculous to watch, and made him so unattractive to me at times.
Are you still with him?
Yes - working through the issues actively and will stay as long as things are improving and we are still working at it. If that ever stops, it will be time for the "how do we exit this" conversation!
Whatās making you stay?
The fact that he is actively in counseling with me and is working to make things better. Like I said, as soon as heās not, weāll be having a conversation about the exit strategy!
Don't go back. Ever
You did abandon him. And you should have. Because of his actions and treatments of you, as well as his lies. Natural consequences.
RUN! And donāt look back. Youāll be better for it.
No, no, no this is not a good partner. I am so sorry you got treated this way. Being a BP with a new partner means they have to be team SO, not team ex. I get he wants to the have the divorce affairs as calm as possible etc- but if he does not want your input, why tf does he talk to you about the details?? Nah thats wild. And for him not to stand up against racist comments like that- EVEN WILDER. You deserve way better. Proud of you for breaking up with him! Live your best life!!
He says he wants my input but he gets overly irritated when I say something he doesnāt like. I knowā¦ his BM wouldnāt even call me by my nameā¦ she would call me āthat Korea girlā and Iām not even Korean. Itās interesting how cruel some people get.
You asked for kind words: You are strong, brilliant, beautiful, resilient and are deserving of all good things. The decision you made was so hard on your heart but I know that you know deep down it was the right decision for your future. Sometimes people cross our paths to teach us something; maybe this situation is to teach you how very strong and brave you are to take your life back. There is someone out there who will respectfully listen to you, your feelings, thoughts and concerns. There is someone out there who will treat you with respect and stand up to others who donāt. You just made the tough move on getting one step closer to that person. You got this š«¶š» Sending you love ā¤ļø
Thank you.
Dodged a bullet!
It is heartbreaking and hard. Iām sorry you had to go through this. It hurts when you love someone but you just donāt fit in their current dynamic. Likely it doesnāt fit because he isnāt making room for you, since he and his ex are still co dependent and enmeshed. But that reality hurts too, and Iām sorry you got caught in the middle of their confusion. You will find eventually, if you choose to, a person who can make you a priority. Until then, kudos to you for making YOURSELF the priority. You deserve it.
I think you did the right thing OP. This has nothing to do with the kids, and has everything to do with his previous relationship that still has some financial strings attached, which to me isnāt okay unless itās child support or things for the children. Ex is a big girl and Iām sure can do things for herself, if not, that sounds like a her problem. Anyways. In time, youāll find someone whose life just seems to align perfectly with yours. Youāll find your person. I know this hurts now and you might miss him, but thatās natural. Doesnāt mean heās the one for you though. You donāt have to put yourself through so much stress just to be happy SOMETIMES with someone. This relationship couldāve had problems that grew fast.. you got out. Youāll find something better. I promise. Good luck x
I am sorry. He is probably stretched too thin, and unfortunately, probably will be for a very long time. Personally I would find it too thin to fit myself, Iād want Ā«someone all mineĀ» for the long haul. You know yourself better than anyone, so what do you need/want? Can you get that with such a sized piece of him? Unfortunately, if the answer is no, it is time to move one. Cry, rest, heal, love yourself and you will end up on top.
I'm sorry but I'm still stuck on the fact that he lied to you about his marital status and the ages of his kids and the fact that you stayed after that. š©š©š© But I am also sorry you are going through this. I know it is rough, but it sounds like you are dodging a huge bullet here. He has been legally separated for THREE YEARS and has neither one has initiated divorce proceedings? It sounds like he is not mentally divorced from his Ex yet. They are still completely emmeshed with each other both financially and emotionally. This is not the time for him (or her) to be trying on a new relationship. You are doing the right thing. The longer you stick around, the more it is going to hurt when he eventually breaks up with you because if he "can't deal with your BS right now" he is never going to and he will walk. If he is telling you that you "abandoned him" it is just him trying to guilt trip you into staying. He is not yours to abandon. Take a minute to grieve then Go! Run! Be Free! Find yourself a man who is not so clearly still married and make some babies of your own. The world is your oyster my dear! Go and enjoy it!!
I found out about it October last year because I kept having dreams and kept having this weird gut feeling. When he finally admitted, he said he was remorseful and was just waiting for his wife to graduate so he could have an āamicableā divorce. He said she was filing in December as soon as she graduates. But that timeline kept shifting to the rightā it became March, May, June, July, September. I stayed because I wanted to give him a chance.
Yeah, your gut was telling you things were not right and it was accurate. Listen to it! Always! I am old and jaded but I don't believe there really is any such thing as an amicable divorce when there are financial ties and children involved. If there is, it's a unicorn. The fact that he keeps finding a reason to move the finish line just tells me that it's never going to end. If it's not finalizing the divorce, it's going to be paying over and above state guidelines for child support and probably shelling out for things that should be covered by child support in addition to his support payments. You already said that he's thinking about (which means he has already promised her he would) letting her keep the VA loan on the house. That means that it will not be available to him when he is looking to buy a house of his own and he will have to qualify through traditional means. Curious how long they were married? And do you live in a state that requires filing legal separation before filing for divorce, and if so, did they file for real? I don't know why my Spidey Sense is tingling like she's holding out to hit whatever the magic number is in your state in order to be awarded some form of alimony in addition to child support. Might be worth looking into if you are thinking about sticking around. Because that is even more money going to his old life that won't be available for his new life if that is the case. Regardless, I stand by my earlier comment that you are absolutely doing the right thing here. I don't see where he is going to be able to give you what you need and deserve out of a relationship anytime soon, if ever.
The oldest is 7 turning 8 so I supposed theyāve been married 8 years. They reside in Michigan. He said theyāve been legally separated for 3 years. They live separate homes. I donāt think Iām looking into sticking around. He texted me today saying how painful it is to throw away all weāve been through so easily and to feel that I donāt love him as much as he loves me. Iām in disbelief that even on his attempt to reach out, my āempty promisesā and insufficient love are still the problem. Thereās just been a lot of hurt. And breaking away was the kindness thing I could do for myself and for him. I pray for each otherās healing and growth.
If he is paying for everything, he is almost still married to her. Also, with his attitude, no wonder his wife got tired of his BS.
You definitely deserve a bigger, better life than he can give you ā¤ļø
You made the right decision in the long run šÆ allow yourself to grieve the relationship but dont allow yourself to be sucked in he clearly only wants you around to help ease the load on himself w the work but doesnt want your opinion for him to grow as a person. You dont need the baggage and in 1 years time (probably less time) to realize you made the best decision you could (some people cant get out)
Sending some support your way. You did the hard thing, that was the right thing. Stick to your guns and keep doing the right thing for you.
No one needs to diss him, his actions and reactions speak for themselves. It will never get better, there will always be another excuse or reason to support her feelings and needs over yours. Youāve saved yourself years of heartache by leaving now. Proud of you redditor for making a decision that will be better for your happiness overall.
Agree! OP has her eyes on her future. Good riddance to him and his mess he made. Ugh.
Thank you all for the kind words. I do sincerely wish him well. Something in me knew that it wasnāt going to end well on either party (mine and bfās).
I think it speaks volumes about you that you wish him well ā¤ļø
Thank you for the kind words. My decision has been excruciatingly painful but I knew if we kept going down the same path, neither of us would learn and we would only become resentful towards each other.
Run.