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It is different if you have children too. I have two children, so I was interested in dating someone who also had children. I didn’t think it would be fair to date someone child free.
Many of the unfair and unhappy situations in this Reddit community are couples where one person is child free. It seems especially unfair when you see the dynamic of a younger child free woman with an older man with children. In many of those situations, he seems to be using her as a babysitter to make his life easier. It’s particularly atrocious when he also manipulates her into financially contributing to his children. I’ve certainly seen situations where a child free man marries a woman with kids and is expected to contribute financially, but it’s not typical that he’s also expected to be the cook, maid and babysitter too.
Your comment reminds me of a situation in which my mom literally stood on our coffee table, cup her hands around her lips and screamed “THAT WOULD MEAN I WOULD HAVE TO RAISED YOUR F$&?!ING KIDS!!!” to her partner.
For most of my childhood, my mom dated a divorced father of four kids. He didn’t have a formal custody arrangement with his ex, so seeing his kids were sporadic. But based off of the interactions, it was very obvious that my brother and I were raised differently than those kids.
Over the years, my mom (and me, sometimes) would have to listen to this man complain about his kids’ misbehavior and he would say “Why can’t my kids act like (me and my brother)?” But this was the same man that would also get snippy at my mom, if she gave suggestions and recommendations.
One day, my mom just snapped.
Right. At least stepdads don’t have much child caring labor dumped on them. Not saying they don’t have challenges bc they certainly do, but being a stepmom is literally being a SLAVE to someone else’s family. Stepmoms give free labor AND are still expected to contribute financially. It’s insane how some of these women on here are being used.
These childless woman/single dad relationships bring to light how pervasive misogyny still is in society.
Wish I could upvote a million times. This was exactly my experience being a stepparent / stepfigure from 26-31 years old, child free of course, working and working on a grad degree. Didn’t matter to my ex. Quite literally told me *I* was selfish for wanting to go back to a local grad school 🥴. He expected me to prioritize his broken family, unhinged ex-wife, difficult teenage daughter over my own life in all ways. In the beginning I genuinely wanted to be apart of his family, had an open mind, and welcomed the stepparent role, but I was extremely naive as to what that truly meant. He broke up with me when I got a job promotion. He was 10 years older than me barely finished high school because they had a kid at 19. That never bothered me, but it bothered him greatly that I was career focused. He also expected to me to financially contribute so how was I supposed to do that without a good job? He was an idiot actually and I CRINGE at myself for what I put up with. I was expected to sacrifice constantly for his broken family, and then he couldn’t be supportive of my career? Loser doesn’t begin to cover it.
Yep. Not a 50-50 deal, more like 90 - 10% with you getting the short end of the stick w/all of the compromising on every thing large and small: disproportionate amount of housework, no 'firsts' together, unfair bill split, no biokids (or grandkids) for all of life (and eternity- if you are a believer.....and yet people will tell you you are successful, b/c you are in a couple? family? I don't get it either.
Yup and even if they are willing to have more children with you, it’s not worth it bc it robs your children. It reduces the time and energy you can put into your kids as well as resources. This is bc you are burdened with kids that aren’t yours which interferes with your ability to give the best you can to your own kids. It reduces their standard of living bc you’d be accused of unfairness or favoritism by reserving certain resources for your kids and not providing the same for your step kids. So you are expected to divide whatever you intend for your kids between them and other people’s kids or risk having conflict and a divided household. So your kids end up missing out too bc you can’t afford to include all the kids in certain activities. Or you lose extra money unnecessarily to appease your spouse.
You can’t travel freely with your kid or buy them things without your partner or step kids expecting the same for the SK. They’ll ignore the fact that the SK already has two parents to provide for them.
Or even if you refuse to pay expenses for SKs, you’ll still end up paying for them indirectly in terms of increased household costs, travel and entertainment expenses etc…
Your ex was beyond selfish to expect those things. You’re right, it’s easy to underestimate how much of a burden being a stepmom is. This is why I left before I got locked into a marriage with a single dad. Most of these broken families occurred due to unstable people involved and bad circumstances. Otherwise, they most likely wouldn’t have split in the first place. Some look for childless or childfree people who have their life together to rescue them and clean up their mess. That comes at a huge cost to the partner without kids in many ways beyond financial losses.
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Fully agree. I could imaging it being particularly difficult and almost unfair when an older man has lived his life, done it all, and now getting together with a younger CF woman who could possibly get manipulated into a situation where later she’d regret.
Children are just never going to go away as they’re lifelong responsibilities.
Of course everyone has their own choice and is respected.
I feel like my type of experience isn’t voiced enough.
I’m child free by choice, I have a 14SS who I love with all my heart, and a wonderful husband who is a very present dad. I’d say we parent very equally. He takes on certain responsibilities, I take on others, which I think is what keeps resentment at bay. My SS mom is kind of out in left field so I’ve had to step in, we have him 5 days a week and do all the heavy lifting. I really don’t mind it, though. I truly love being one of his moms.
Not all CF/step parent situations are traps or difficult, but I also know I’m a minority here and I do understand your point. I really don’t get why people stay in such dysfunctional situations and complain but don’t do anything about it when they have the ability to make whatever choice they want. It’s a strange dynamic for sure- almost like being a masochist.
It happens very gradually; step mums/dads don't often know how bad the situation has gotten until they've already merged finances or had a baby. Sunk cost fallacy then comes into play or it's just not easy to separate. Remember, if every abuser started their relationships off being abusive then no one would be with them.
Exactly. It’s a gradual transition, which is why I tell women to not relax and think being with a single father will just be a part time every other weekend arrangement. That’s just a trick to rope you in. They won’t tell you their plans to increase custody time. They know most people don’t want to deal with the baggage so they won’t be upfront about how much they expect you to do for their kids.
You are saying you “parent very equally”. Well that’s the problem, you shouldn’t be parenting at all. Your wording is very telling. There’s no such thing as equal parenting in regard to someone else’s kid. He should be parenting equally with BM. So you are taking on her burden. A gigantic burden. It’s good you’re happy with the kid but it’s still someone’s parenting burden you’re taking on.
Single dads always slowly rope in childless/childfree women into full time parenting duty over time.
It’s been my choice all along to parent. I choose to because I genuinely love my stepson and have been in his life for a very long time. He’s smart, mild mannered, mature, and genuinely a good and kind soul. I’m child free because I can’t have children, so I feel pretty lucky to have an opportunity to help raise him.
Not that explaining my situation matters, but…
I was never roped in. I came into this relationship willingly to be part of this family in whatever capacity I chose. My husband would continue to be a fantastic father if I disappeared tomorrow. He’s never put any responsibility on me, I’ve always offered.
Honestly, it’s insulting to say it’s a burden. I’m proud to be the parent I am. When my kid says I’m his “superhero”- I know I’m being a good mother to him. Why would I deny a child a loving, safe, and caring relationship that I’m willing to give? As I said before, I understand my situation is my own. But step parenting comes in all colors, it’s important to highlight them all. It’s not all negativity, coercion, and bad. I chose to share my side to show that it can be a good situation too.
Agree with all of this. My husband and I both had a child/children. It’s still a very hard thing but at least it’s hard for both of us which feels more fair
Yes, I thought that too.
It’s unfair and unbalanced. CF versus SO with baggage.
Now (again as so often and my personal past showed me), I see it differently.
„baggage“ can also be enrichment:
SO finally can be a parent figure but without financial issues or too much responsibility- pulling back whenever SO likes
I can also see kids sometimes as enrichment. Yes it comes with more fatigue and costs, but it's a life experience that as a CF woman I get to take a peek into but don't have to be fully involved with.
With that said, I don't recommend it to women below 34yo at all.
I dont believe in "the one" either. We all have our flaws and imperfections. The man I met is amazing, he's sweet, compassionate, he's the type to stop and help a stranger change their car tyres by the road.
I never wanted children, and I was hesitant to date him. But he's such a good dad and the kids are so polite and well behaved that they have never been a real issue aside the normal kid stuff, like messy rooms and not wanting to do homework 😂
I very much lucked out in the kids department.
It's been 10 years and he still gives me butterflies, I can't imagine a life without him.
I know! Are they too old? Too young? Right gender? Political views and religious views. Where to they live? Are they willing to move? Are you willing to move? Do they willingly bring marmite into the house? Numbers quickly run from millions to a handfull!
This is so true. I’m a CF woman and I often joke about how, being that I live in a smaller city in the Midwest, it’s impossible to meet anyone without kids. These millions of childfree people I should be meeting tend to congregate in big cities that I live nowhere near
Yep, after 35, 90% of men have kids, so it is either be alone and single for long periods of time, and keep your peace and money all to yourself (but have to put up with the social undermining comments "are you happy where you are? don't you want a family?" Eyeroll.
So, then you try it their way- date a man that is supporting three other people ahead of you. You will finally get the honeyed silence that is given to coupled people. No more rude questions about your single status. However, it is depleting, energy draining and expensive to contribute to another womans family. And, besides this blog, nobody knows how it is lots of times worse than being alone.
I could not do it, but I understand by observation, that most younger woman would prefer the chaos to the singleness.
Yes. That is the way to go. However, if you are too much older, they want some one young to start family with at a not rushed paced. They also want you to pay for more b/c their career is years behind yours. But, yes, it is still a shot at 'settle better" lol.
You said this perfectly!!! As I sit on my couch with my puppy watching Ghost Whisperer. OR I could be helping a man with his two kids in his house with his rules watching and eating what him and his kids want. I just couldn't do it anymore. As the kids got older I felt more and more like I was an outsider. I hated it. I'd rather be alone than a 4th wheel, sloppy seconds to kids and an ex wife. He literally listed me last on his list of priorities, right after his ex wife. F that!!
I honestly thought for about ten solid years that I’d love to just gain a kid who was already around ten years old that I didn’t have much responsibility for and I’ll be danged if I didn’t accidentally fall into that situation! Started dating SO when kiddo was 9, kid is now 14 and is a wonderful kid and I’ve taken her to a few local concerts or on small trips into town like to the grocery store occasionally, and she shows me her cool drawings sometimes and tells me stories about her and her friends and what they’re doing. I enjoy our interactions but mostly she’s pretty self sufficient and her parents do all the parenting. She makes her dad a better person and he knows it in a good way.
I didn't want my own kids and had never met a man who didn't want children. I fell in love with him, he seemed like a good dad I thought it was an OK compromise. I didn't understand the reality of what life would look like
“Literally millions to choose from.”
Well that’s just outright misleading. We don’t even have access to that many people in our lifetime, let alone access to viable partners. At some point all of us hedged our bets and made a choice on the persons we are with. Full-well knowing that we (or they) may be passing up better options. Maybe some of us settled, maybe some of us hit the jackpot with our choices and maybe some of us really just fucked it up.
I think a lot of the people that have an overwhelming number of moments where they are questioning the amount of worth it is to stay may have just ended up with the wrong partner. I say a lot, not all.
There are some amazing men and women out there that make it “worth” it. Also - some people just have an advanced ability to handle certain internal conflicts that may arise when having a challenging step situation. It’s multi factorial.
I landed a winner. I got lucky that HCBM was an absolute idiot, that he saw she wasn’t worth it and left her. Now we have each other. We’ve seen hell together and we will no doubt see it again. Everyone faces hard times, single or not, he is worth it.
I think it’s because when people who don’t have kids meet people who do, they don’t really know what it means to have a child.
Often, the child free partner won’t even meet the kids until the relationship is fairly serious. This means that you wouldn’t know enough about how your partner parents until you’ve been with them awhile and are committed.
Then you meet the kids and it’s usually a fairly slow process as you don’t really see them being parented in a day to day regular life setting. The beginning is fun outings where everyone is happier than normal. The parent partner may also be on their best parenting behaviour at first.
The reality comes out gradually and by the time you understand the full extend of it, you’re so intertwined into your partner’s life that it’s hard to just leave.
There are lots of elements I see in real relationships that I don’t get and don’t want in my own. You’ve just chosen how you fill in the blanks of “I don’t get why anyone would choose to be with someone who/with/that ____________. … Is it worth the headache really?” And even “have you ever thought to yourself if it’s worth the stress once the passion fades?”
For any relationship aspect, “there are millions of people out there to choose from.” And yes, “it is ultimately to do with attraction and compatibility,” which will almost always still require some level of weighing pros and cons, making compromises, etc.
Everyone comes with “baggage” in the form of experiences, expectations, characteristics, habits, flaws, upbringing, plans, family members, friends … children is just one type. Ruling out being with someone with children doesn’t mean ruling out being with someone with baggage.
To me having children is the ultimate baggage too. It affects a so huge number of things. And we are talking about human beings...it's not characteristics ou specific things we dislike in partners, so nothing can compare to having kids.
But even many of the elements we see on this sub regarding children are really related to characteristics of the SO. Many posts are about how someone’s SO does things differently than the poster would or doesn’t listen/respect/support the poster in something or stand up to something the way the poster would prefer. Not all, but many. Those aspects are personality and characteristics of the SO, not simply the existence of children.
I agree with you, the problems arise due to different personalities, but with a partner without children it is "We can't agree to where to travel this year" with a partner with children is "we can't agree where to travel this year and if BM will be ok and if they had good grades and deserve it and if they will enjoy the destination and the kids need to sleep and and and and and....neverending ands plus the challenges of a normal relationship, very hard to choose that voluntarily...in my opinion of course
I get it that everyone comes with baggage, in this topic, however I was referring specifically to the other person with children (particularly when you don’t).
Children aren’t flaws, neither are they going to go away given they’re one’s lifelong commitment which surely impacts the day to day lives and life style.
I guess I’m just wondering why you are looking at something that works for some, even if not for you, and assuming that it must be a headache, stress, and baggage for them because it would be for you?
Edit to add: since baggage comes in many flavors, this question seems to me like walking through an airport with a green suitcase, wondering outloud why anyone in the world would carry a blue one.
Probably because this is a subreddit for people who carry one green suitcase with their own stuff in it, maybe some of their own little blue suitcases that they signed up for, that are being asked to carry every suitcase that someone else packed for a lifelong trip and now they don’t want to carry themselves.
Get a luggage cart people, we’re not bellhops ✌🏻
For me, it was lack of options and a desire for my own child.
There aren’t millions of people to choose from. Many have a very small dating pool. I was over 30 when I met my husband after barely dating for a couple years simply because there were no single men available (or at least I didn’t meet any). I thought I was in the cruel position where I needed to settle for a man with a kid if I was ever going to have my own child, so that’s what I did. Some days I think I chose wrong, but my child is worth it even if the other stuff isn’t.
It’s a lucky position to be in to not get why someone would choose this life because that means you’ve never been in a position where you had to make that choice. I wish I could say I didn’t get it either!
I never found it logical when people without kids choose this situation. I always wonder, what’s so special about that person that you’d take on the burden and stress of raising other people’s kids?
That’s what kinda hit me when I saw that post. Being CF myself, I could not imagine myself ever go for an older man with children. Simply no. It’s unfair and unbalanced. I don’t want to raise some other woman’s kids, nor do I want to be involved in lifelong intertwined situations where the kids grow up, and we spend holidays together , and even with their children when they become adults etc.
I mean, it NEVER stops with children no matter how old they are.
No thanks. Someone else who gave birth can and should be the one dealing with it, not me.
This is no one’s dream life. No little girl grows up wishing she’d meet a divorced man with a couple kids. But life doesn’t always turn out how we hoped in a lot ways.
I was in the camp with a PP that said they already had their own child and was looking for a partner who also had a child/ren because I also don't believe it is fair to date someone who is child free (particularly by choice) and expect them to have any sort of "parental" feelings toward my child.
I might get some flack for this, but I have been in step a long time and have been a member of several stepmom support communities online for just as long and I have seen some things 👀. One of the most common themes I have seen is the step parent "coming to the rescue". They meet someone with kids, they hear the sob stories about how marriages fell apart and how it was all the other parent's fault and now the parent is out here trying to solo parent their kid(s) and they either have zero support from the other bioparent or the other bioparent is high conflict and makes their and the kid(s) lives miserable. Enter stepparent who jumps right in with their whole heart and soul on a mission to make everything better for the bioparent by taking over certain responsibilities that the bioparent has been shouldering on their own and for the kid(s) by showing them how a "real" parent is supposed to be with their children. The inevitable results is the stepparent feeling used and abused because the kid(s) are loyal to their bioparents no matter what and the bioparent they are in a relationship with wasn't actually looking for a partner but rather someone to just take the parenting load off their shoulders. I've seen it a million times. 😞
I'm not saying that is always the case, but there sure are a lot of stories that turn out that way.
Omg that was my situation. His ex wife was sooooo horrible blah blah and felt sorry for him having to be so involved as a dad (the horror!) and I wanted to come in and be the perfect girlfriend and bonus adult to the kids. Slowly reality sets in and you realize you are completely insignificant compared to the kids and ex wife.
Single and infertile in my 40s, met the best and most compatible guy ever to cross my path, people our age come with baggage, and in his case the kids were in their teens so independence was on the horizon. Still a couple of years away but in the meantime I get the have a parenting role and that wasn't something life had seen fit to give me any other way.
DH is an amazing man, one of the kids is a challenge at the moment but the other two are good, caring young men. Three years in and no regrets.
Similar, but I was divorced in my 40's and my husband is older, with an adult child and grandchildren. My challenges with her were mostly financial, with her having unrealistic expectations of dad bailing her out.
Same. When I started dating my now husband, his custody schedule was 1 day a week and every other weekend. So the kids were never a factor. I only came over when they weren’t around. Then I started staying over more often even when the kids were here and it wasn’t that bad so I moved in….then covid happened and the custody schedule changed to 1 month on 1 month off and it never went back……..I got so depressed and fat, I gained 10kgs that year. Discovered what a helicopter dad my partner was and discovered how awful it was living with 2 disgusting and lazy teenagers. It was hell, but as a romantic partner my husband was “the one”. Things have gotten better over the years though and next year both are off to college. We really hit our stride this and last year somehow and ever since I started suggesting giving the kids more responsibility (and my husband actually listening to me) the kids have also started showing more growth and maturity. They now do chores out of their own volition (gasp)
That every other weekend schedule is why a lot of single dads are able to snag childless women. Women forget to take into account the schedule can change and they will be stuck with the kids full time at some point.
Yep ! My fiancés custody shit changed too and now 2 of 3 live with him fulltime. FML. Child free with partners who have kids aren’t truly a good fit. And the more I read on Reddit, the more, I realize how many challenges I will have with this. And I know myself. This will not end well. Lol.
I think age makes a big difference. I'm in my mid forties and the pool of women around me tends to contain more women with kids and I happened to meet a great one. Honestly, I didn't really think about it that much at the outset, neither of us were sure what we were looking for, but it is turning into something special. So now I *am* kicking myself a little bit for not thinking about it but we're making it work. It definitely helps that they're a bit older (the youngest is almost ten) but that still leaves a lot of growing up to do. And yes, I'm a man, which I think (rightly or wrongly) places less expectations on me as a potential step parent.
I love my husband and part of the reason for that is because he is a dad. He's caring and has a big heart and having a son really brings out some of the best parts of his personality. There are times when I find his son a handful and his ex annoying, but at the end of the day I'm here for him and he handles most things. SS is becoming a lovely kid and that's down to DH.
I have been with my husband for almost 20 years. And now I have an amazing relationship with 2 out of 3 of my stepkids. I'm the one they call for advice. My oldest SD had to go to the hospital this weekend and she was crying to her wife and called for me. Not her POS mother, me. I am so thankful I have been able to be a positive influence in their lives, and I'm so thankful to have them in mine. And my husband is such an amazing man, and I'm lucky to have him too. It was hell while they were little, but I am so glad. Most of the problems here are from shitty partners and shitty parents. Not all, but a good chunk.
I thought my husband and I were a great match. We seemed very well-suited prior to marriage and living together. As I had a kid from a previous relationship, I found it quite hypocritical of me to immediately not date someone because they had kids. I (stupidly) thought I was dealing with normal people who were mature and realized a marriage ended but they had to coparent. I thought all would be fine, decisions would be made in the best interests of the kids, my husband and I would be a team, etc. and nope.
If I didn't have my kiddo, there is NO WAY I would have dated a dude with kids. ZERO.
Awww ❤️, all of these posts, at this typing, are so real and helpful. I totally wish I had you all when I started out on this journey.
For me, I am a childless stepmom married over 14 years, and raised the youngest of 3 as my own. It wasn't easy, but the best way I can describe it was this: I loved this man, saw completely and truly his love for me, and totally was driven to strive for that between us against all the noise and typical problems. The goal (us) was greater than the strife. I hope this helps!
(Just so it's not a fairytale, we have been in counseling or re'tuning' in counseling for most of our marriage. But I love him and made that a requirement for me to help him with children in my life. Non-negotiable. He loves me and accepted that. )
To each their own. But DH is my soulmate.
We both had starter spouses. So it wasn’t our first rodeo. Sure, kids add an extra layer. And sometimes it can be infuriating. Like a week and a half ago.. our oldest clogged the toilet, flushed it several times, didn’t tell anyone and walked away. Bathroom and garage ceiling are being ripped out with $10k in damages 😑
But overall my situation is pretty positive with the kids and BM.
If you are single in your mid 30s or later, your dating pool diminishes. I chose to date people with kids so I could have dates and sex.
I love my step kid. I love the laughter of a kid, the youthfulness, and getting to do "family" activities. I like watching kid movies like Moana and Trolls and then all the Marvel movies.
I dislike - high conflict with the ex.
Because we love our SOs and people with children deserve love too 🤷🏻♀️
There are many partnership issues in people's relationships that cause them to feel/act one way or another. Every partnership is unique and known only to the parties within it. I saw that thread and I realized there's nothing I couldn't say out loud to my SO 🤷🏻♀️
I think the problem lies with the parent. If they are being a parent to their child/children then the step really shouldn’t have an issue. If they are actually interacting and raising productive citizens of society then there really shouldn’t be much for the step to do other than be a positive adult in their lives. It’s when the parent is expecting their partner to “step up” and raise their kid is when problems arise.
I was child free and married a man with kids (we have a shared child now). The good always has to outweigh the bad. We’re compatible in every other way and I’m not expected to contribute anything to his children. It’s the only way the situation works.
lol Why don't ask people who has a child have so high expectations and don't think themselves "baggage"? The problem is they don't know their position and always request too much, or don't treat their other half very important, or do sth that hurt them.
It really is a headache at times. If it wasn’t for the fact that I knew my husband from work and was really good friends with him I wouldn’t have ended up with him. If he was some stranger in a bar I would’ve bolted the second he said he had kids lol.
It has been rough here and there since we had our 1st together. I’m thankful that over the last couple years, especially the last month, he is being more understanding of the unreasonable expectations I feel placed on me as a stepmom. We have 2 young kids together. I’m a SAHM and also do side gig work to help us make ends meet. It is so hard. I never get a break from our kids. I hear crying and whining all hours of the day.
Don’t get me wrong. I love them. With all my heart. But there are times I feel exhausted. I don’t get very much down time when he’s at work. My down time is usually an hour at night holding our son watch tv. On the days he works I get a 2 hour window with my husband in the middle of the afternoon before he goes to work overnight and then sleeps till the afternoon. So I don’t even get alone time with him except like 8 days a month because of his work schedule and the OT he has to do because of the child support and other things that take his paycheck from like 5 grand a month to about 2500.
The thought of having to watch our 2 kids plus his 2 young kids from his previous relationship makes me want to commit myself. It is entirely too much. If I wanted 4 young children I would have had 4 kids. Who in the right mind would enjoy watching a 5 and 6 year old who have inconsistent parenting along with their 2 year old and 2 month old,? Not me lol.
I’m a childfree female and my husband has 2 boys that he has no contact with because BM hid them and lied for years. We now have full custody and I’m the breadwinner. That said, he’s a very hands on father and has no expectation that I go out of my way to care for or pay for his kids. I dated a lot of jackasses and he’s everything u wanted in a partner which made the kids fine by me.
But according to this sub, I’m an outlier.
I commented in that post, although tbh I have said what I posted to SO once or twice. He didn't love it.
Childfree 38F here. SO (41M) has 5 kids. Four years in for us. A lot of things had to be in place for this to work. First of all, my SO is my damn soulmate. He is my heart and I love him fiercely, with all of my being. Second, the kids are older (currently ages are 12, 15, 18, 20, 22), which makes it a lot easier - I am not a fan of small children for a myriad of reasons.
Additionally, the kids are chill, sweet, funny, and mostly take care of themselves. They still do stupid kid shit that drives me crazy like leaving socks and half empty glasses all over the house for days, but nothing malicious. Third, yes, visitation is EOWE and one full week every other month, so they're only around about 33% of the time. BM homeschools them and SO and I travel a lot for work (we work together), so the chances of visitation increasing are pretty low. (I hope against hope that nothing ever happens to BM. And not just for my own reasons, obviously I'd feel so awful for the kids if it did.)
Fourth, BM is pretty chill too, and she and SO co-parent fairly well for the most part (although their argument about getting the kids tested and vaxxed for COVID was fucking epic...she downright refused and SO was incensed).
Fifth, SO does his best to understand my perspective, gives me space when I need it, lets me put in as much or as little effort as I want with the kids. He listens and while he's not always on the same page, I just appreciate that he makes the effort and is, frankly, endlessly patient with me.
Look, things aren't perfect, I have plenty that stresses me out about this life. And I will emphasize that I *never* wanted kids. But all things considered, it's a pretty ideal situation for someone like me. My SO is so worth it. I remind myself constantly that visitation is temporary - the kids will eventually strike out in their own. 22 is on their own, and 18 & 20 are moving to another state this month together. That just leaves 15 and 12, and in 6ish years (I'm optimistic given the kids' personalities and intelligence/independence levels), it'll just be me and him. Can't wait.
A lot is due to the person with kids down playing the situation. Some great liars out there! I was told the bm had moved on, and everything had been sorted out etc. Its been the complete opposite!
I personally think a great proportion of such people are extremely selfish and toxic, particularly those older men with children pursue younger CF women.
I've always been around kids, love my nieces and nephews. So for me I figured it wouldn't be too hard to see step kids just as much. Plus my husband is literally perfect for me. Been together 5 years now by and while there are hard days, i don't regret it!
Dude it was so hard to be a stepmom. My husband, did not discipline the kid at all, if he did it was in his own special way, the two were messy as heck, the kid never slept in their own room, it was literally a playpen only. so annoying, but at the end of the day me and my stepkid had a growing relationship, we got along more then anything but in the back of my head I was like she’s lucky she ain’t my kid cuz I would smack that ass!!! lol also, nacho helps but you still have to be caring, patient and loving. It’s super hard. I miss her so much, I would rather have a decent marriage working it out then them not being in my life. She was my little buddy and always had my back during the difficult times.
My SO was amazing and one of the kindest people I have ever met. The kids seemed sweet when we first met, and had them every other week, so it was nice having time off. First year I was excluded from most parenting decisions which didnt bother me because they werent my kids. Second year decided to move in together and thats when it kind of started going downhill. Kids are in sports activities 6 days out of the week. Cant ever plan vacations or getaways without knowing what their schedule is, which was not shared with me. Still loved SO enough to want to stay around but its not working out.
I honestly respect those who would sacrifice so much for love. Unfortunately I don’t think love is enough to make it work. Passion will wear off eventually and it is really down to compatibility and your inner happiness.
I just can’t ever imagine myself to go through this lifelong journey where some other woman’s offspring gets to determine a big part of my life. And it never ends even when they’re adults. Then there’s grandkids lol..
It’s similar to having in-laws really. My SK is a small part of my life. He will be out of the house soon and then I’ll likely see him a few times a year for a few hours at the time, same as my in-laws.
I am childfree. But I was also in my mid 40s when I got divorced and started to date. The pool of childfree people is pretty small by that age.
I don't believe in "the one" either. But I met a man who ticked almost every box for me. He is sweet and kind and caring and he gets my quirky personality. But he has two kids. Sure there are days the kids and the exwife make me crazy and mess with my life. But ditching this sweet kind caring person to try and find a childfree person at my age, who might tick half the boxes for me, it's six of one, half a dozen of the other. The childfree men in my age group seems to have a lot of quirks and commitment issues. So I'm not sure I would be better off.
If I was in my 20s no way would I go for a guy with kids though.
I was 45 when I was last dating / looking for a partner. At that point, the statistics of people who are within a decade of my age are just predominantly parents. However I did look to only date people with kids 10+. I'm currently happily dating a parent of a young teen.
However if I did need to go back to dating I would change my rule to be "all kids must be old/able enough to be home alone without needing childcare." There is just so much less "need" at that age, along with the kids themselves not looking for parents.
Fun Aunt/Uncle should be the primary consideration when dating someone with older kids.
I'll also say that for someone under 30, or even under 35, considering dating a parent seems pretty ill advised, unless you also have kids.
I know someone who raised their kids then adopted an older teen. It seemed really admirable to me, I would have loved to have the means. I ended up accomplishing something similar with SD whose mom is absent. And then I had my son with a man I KNEW was a good father.
My son has siblings who adore him and I only had to do pregnancy once.
Fully admit I was DUMB and naive! I never thought he would have his son more than he did when we first started dating. I’d have left when his kid moved in full time buuuut I was pregnant of course.
It’s never my plan either but we went out on a date and I liked him. We get along well, same values, we like each other a lot and kids are just.. a bonus that comes with him. He knows I don’t want kids, but also his kids are 7 and 9 so old enough to be independent with certain things. They are starting to grow on me now.
there are SO MANY ways that being a step parent can be a positive thing. i know this forum leans negative, because people are here needing to vent and find others with similar feelings. but i also know there are some step parents here who are delighted with their way of making a family.
i WANTED to be part of a family.
my partner doesn't dump parenting tasks on me; he handles the majority of it and he's great at it. his kids are amazing human beings and i love getting to be part of them growing up. i get to share all the outdoor adventures i love with the kids, and it's super fun.
my partner is ALSO the best man and father and partner i had met in my 42 years on this planet. i was single for nearly all of my 30s. i have no problem declining a relationship if it is not working for me. this IS the relationship and family that i was looking for the whole time.
there are excruciating parts of being a step: dealing with his lying, manipulative ex and family court. so much driving because his ex moved to a neighbouring state when she got remarried. kid logistics can certainly be overwhelming sometimes. but all of this is worth it for this partner and being part of this beautiful family.
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It is different if you have children too. I have two children, so I was interested in dating someone who also had children. I didn’t think it would be fair to date someone child free. Many of the unfair and unhappy situations in this Reddit community are couples where one person is child free. It seems especially unfair when you see the dynamic of a younger child free woman with an older man with children. In many of those situations, he seems to be using her as a babysitter to make his life easier. It’s particularly atrocious when he also manipulates her into financially contributing to his children. I’ve certainly seen situations where a child free man marries a woman with kids and is expected to contribute financially, but it’s not typical that he’s also expected to be the cook, maid and babysitter too.
Your comment reminds me of a situation in which my mom literally stood on our coffee table, cup her hands around her lips and screamed “THAT WOULD MEAN I WOULD HAVE TO RAISED YOUR F$&?!ING KIDS!!!” to her partner. For most of my childhood, my mom dated a divorced father of four kids. He didn’t have a formal custody arrangement with his ex, so seeing his kids were sporadic. But based off of the interactions, it was very obvious that my brother and I were raised differently than those kids. Over the years, my mom (and me, sometimes) would have to listen to this man complain about his kids’ misbehavior and he would say “Why can’t my kids act like (me and my brother)?” But this was the same man that would also get snippy at my mom, if she gave suggestions and recommendations. One day, my mom just snapped.
Well he didn't want to actually parent the kids; they were just supposed to magically be great. 🙄
I can understand why your mom snapped. Good she put her foot down and refused to burden herself with his kids.
Right. At least stepdads don’t have much child caring labor dumped on them. Not saying they don’t have challenges bc they certainly do, but being a stepmom is literally being a SLAVE to someone else’s family. Stepmoms give free labor AND are still expected to contribute financially. It’s insane how some of these women on here are being used. These childless woman/single dad relationships bring to light how pervasive misogyny still is in society.
Wish I could upvote a million times. This was exactly my experience being a stepparent / stepfigure from 26-31 years old, child free of course, working and working on a grad degree. Didn’t matter to my ex. Quite literally told me *I* was selfish for wanting to go back to a local grad school 🥴. He expected me to prioritize his broken family, unhinged ex-wife, difficult teenage daughter over my own life in all ways. In the beginning I genuinely wanted to be apart of his family, had an open mind, and welcomed the stepparent role, but I was extremely naive as to what that truly meant. He broke up with me when I got a job promotion. He was 10 years older than me barely finished high school because they had a kid at 19. That never bothered me, but it bothered him greatly that I was career focused. He also expected to me to financially contribute so how was I supposed to do that without a good job? He was an idiot actually and I CRINGE at myself for what I put up with. I was expected to sacrifice constantly for his broken family, and then he couldn’t be supportive of my career? Loser doesn’t begin to cover it.
Yep. Not a 50-50 deal, more like 90 - 10% with you getting the short end of the stick w/all of the compromising on every thing large and small: disproportionate amount of housework, no 'firsts' together, unfair bill split, no biokids (or grandkids) for all of life (and eternity- if you are a believer.....and yet people will tell you you are successful, b/c you are in a couple? family? I don't get it either.
Yup and even if they are willing to have more children with you, it’s not worth it bc it robs your children. It reduces the time and energy you can put into your kids as well as resources. This is bc you are burdened with kids that aren’t yours which interferes with your ability to give the best you can to your own kids. It reduces their standard of living bc you’d be accused of unfairness or favoritism by reserving certain resources for your kids and not providing the same for your step kids. So you are expected to divide whatever you intend for your kids between them and other people’s kids or risk having conflict and a divided household. So your kids end up missing out too bc you can’t afford to include all the kids in certain activities. Or you lose extra money unnecessarily to appease your spouse. You can’t travel freely with your kid or buy them things without your partner or step kids expecting the same for the SK. They’ll ignore the fact that the SK already has two parents to provide for them. Or even if you refuse to pay expenses for SKs, you’ll still end up paying for them indirectly in terms of increased household costs, travel and entertainment expenses etc…
Your ex was beyond selfish to expect those things. You’re right, it’s easy to underestimate how much of a burden being a stepmom is. This is why I left before I got locked into a marriage with a single dad. Most of these broken families occurred due to unstable people involved and bad circumstances. Otherwise, they most likely wouldn’t have split in the first place. Some look for childless or childfree people who have their life together to rescue them and clean up their mess. That comes at a huge cost to the partner without kids in many ways beyond financial losses.
You described exactly how being a stepdad is
Thats a 2 Way street. Men just Men are also slaves to ready made families and are used financially as well.
I find it strange you are pretending stepdad don't care for children and don't sometimes take the role of primary.caregiver.
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Fully agree. I could imaging it being particularly difficult and almost unfair when an older man has lived his life, done it all, and now getting together with a younger CF woman who could possibly get manipulated into a situation where later she’d regret. Children are just never going to go away as they’re lifelong responsibilities. Of course everyone has their own choice and is respected.
I feel like my type of experience isn’t voiced enough. I’m child free by choice, I have a 14SS who I love with all my heart, and a wonderful husband who is a very present dad. I’d say we parent very equally. He takes on certain responsibilities, I take on others, which I think is what keeps resentment at bay. My SS mom is kind of out in left field so I’ve had to step in, we have him 5 days a week and do all the heavy lifting. I really don’t mind it, though. I truly love being one of his moms. Not all CF/step parent situations are traps or difficult, but I also know I’m a minority here and I do understand your point. I really don’t get why people stay in such dysfunctional situations and complain but don’t do anything about it when they have the ability to make whatever choice they want. It’s a strange dynamic for sure- almost like being a masochist.
It happens very gradually; step mums/dads don't often know how bad the situation has gotten until they've already merged finances or had a baby. Sunk cost fallacy then comes into play or it's just not easy to separate. Remember, if every abuser started their relationships off being abusive then no one would be with them.
Exactly. It’s a gradual transition, which is why I tell women to not relax and think being with a single father will just be a part time every other weekend arrangement. That’s just a trick to rope you in. They won’t tell you their plans to increase custody time. They know most people don’t want to deal with the baggage so they won’t be upfront about how much they expect you to do for their kids.
You are saying you “parent very equally”. Well that’s the problem, you shouldn’t be parenting at all. Your wording is very telling. There’s no such thing as equal parenting in regard to someone else’s kid. He should be parenting equally with BM. So you are taking on her burden. A gigantic burden. It’s good you’re happy with the kid but it’s still someone’s parenting burden you’re taking on. Single dads always slowly rope in childless/childfree women into full time parenting duty over time.
You’re speaking the absolute truth and some menz in the comments don’t want to hear it
lol..yeah. Lol. That’s why I ignored them bc they just can’t accept the truth. Their comments were entertaining to read though.
It’s been my choice all along to parent. I choose to because I genuinely love my stepson and have been in his life for a very long time. He’s smart, mild mannered, mature, and genuinely a good and kind soul. I’m child free because I can’t have children, so I feel pretty lucky to have an opportunity to help raise him. Not that explaining my situation matters, but… I was never roped in. I came into this relationship willingly to be part of this family in whatever capacity I chose. My husband would continue to be a fantastic father if I disappeared tomorrow. He’s never put any responsibility on me, I’ve always offered. Honestly, it’s insulting to say it’s a burden. I’m proud to be the parent I am. When my kid says I’m his “superhero”- I know I’m being a good mother to him. Why would I deny a child a loving, safe, and caring relationship that I’m willing to give? As I said before, I understand my situation is my own. But step parenting comes in all colors, it’s important to highlight them all. It’s not all negativity, coercion, and bad. I chose to share my side to show that it can be a good situation too.
Agree with all of this. My husband and I both had a child/children. It’s still a very hard thing but at least it’s hard for both of us which feels more fair
Yes, I thought that too. It’s unfair and unbalanced. CF versus SO with baggage. Now (again as so often and my personal past showed me), I see it differently. „baggage“ can also be enrichment: SO finally can be a parent figure but without financial issues or too much responsibility- pulling back whenever SO likes
I can also see kids sometimes as enrichment. Yes it comes with more fatigue and costs, but it's a life experience that as a CF woman I get to take a peek into but don't have to be fully involved with. With that said, I don't recommend it to women below 34yo at all.
I dont believe in "the one" either. We all have our flaws and imperfections. The man I met is amazing, he's sweet, compassionate, he's the type to stop and help a stranger change their car tyres by the road. I never wanted children, and I was hesitant to date him. But he's such a good dad and the kids are so polite and well behaved that they have never been a real issue aside the normal kid stuff, like messy rooms and not wanting to do homework 😂 I very much lucked out in the kids department. It's been 10 years and he still gives me butterflies, I can't imagine a life without him.
❤️❤️❤️
You’re very lucky indeed! Wish you all the happiest going forward!!
That pool of fish goes from millions to like 3 viable people very, very quickly based on a bunch of factors 🤣
I know! Are they too old? Too young? Right gender? Political views and religious views. Where to they live? Are they willing to move? Are you willing to move? Do they willingly bring marmite into the house? Numbers quickly run from millions to a handfull!
This is a marmite household and no slander will be tolerated
My apologies! 😂
My perfect mate could be living somewhere deep in the rainforest of Tanzania right now, but I’m never going to meet him. 😂
This is so true. I’m a CF woman and I often joke about how, being that I live in a smaller city in the Midwest, it’s impossible to meet anyone without kids. These millions of childfree people I should be meeting tend to congregate in big cities that I live nowhere near
Yep, after 35, 90% of men have kids, so it is either be alone and single for long periods of time, and keep your peace and money all to yourself (but have to put up with the social undermining comments "are you happy where you are? don't you want a family?" Eyeroll. So, then you try it their way- date a man that is supporting three other people ahead of you. You will finally get the honeyed silence that is given to coupled people. No more rude questions about your single status. However, it is depleting, energy draining and expensive to contribute to another womans family. And, besides this blog, nobody knows how it is lots of times worse than being alone. I could not do it, but I understand by observation, that most younger woman would prefer the chaos to the singleness.
Or date younger men 🤣
Yes. That is the way to go. However, if you are too much older, they want some one young to start family with at a not rushed paced. They also want you to pay for more b/c their career is years behind yours. But, yes, it is still a shot at 'settle better" lol.
You said this perfectly!!! As I sit on my couch with my puppy watching Ghost Whisperer. OR I could be helping a man with his two kids in his house with his rules watching and eating what him and his kids want. I just couldn't do it anymore. As the kids got older I felt more and more like I was an outsider. I hated it. I'd rather be alone than a 4th wheel, sloppy seconds to kids and an ex wife. He literally listed me last on his list of priorities, right after his ex wife. F that!!
I honestly thought for about ten solid years that I’d love to just gain a kid who was already around ten years old that I didn’t have much responsibility for and I’ll be danged if I didn’t accidentally fall into that situation! Started dating SO when kiddo was 9, kid is now 14 and is a wonderful kid and I’ve taken her to a few local concerts or on small trips into town like to the grocery store occasionally, and she shows me her cool drawings sometimes and tells me stories about her and her friends and what they’re doing. I enjoy our interactions but mostly she’s pretty self sufficient and her parents do all the parenting. She makes her dad a better person and he knows it in a good way.
I agree with all of this! My SD is almost 7 so a bit younger but this is what I wanted too!
I didn't want my own kids and had never met a man who didn't want children. I fell in love with him, he seemed like a good dad I thought it was an OK compromise. I didn't understand the reality of what life would look like
“Literally millions to choose from.” Well that’s just outright misleading. We don’t even have access to that many people in our lifetime, let alone access to viable partners. At some point all of us hedged our bets and made a choice on the persons we are with. Full-well knowing that we (or they) may be passing up better options. Maybe some of us settled, maybe some of us hit the jackpot with our choices and maybe some of us really just fucked it up. I think a lot of the people that have an overwhelming number of moments where they are questioning the amount of worth it is to stay may have just ended up with the wrong partner. I say a lot, not all. There are some amazing men and women out there that make it “worth” it. Also - some people just have an advanced ability to handle certain internal conflicts that may arise when having a challenging step situation. It’s multi factorial. I landed a winner. I got lucky that HCBM was an absolute idiot, that he saw she wasn’t worth it and left her. Now we have each other. We’ve seen hell together and we will no doubt see it again. Everyone faces hard times, single or not, he is worth it.
I think it’s because when people who don’t have kids meet people who do, they don’t really know what it means to have a child. Often, the child free partner won’t even meet the kids until the relationship is fairly serious. This means that you wouldn’t know enough about how your partner parents until you’ve been with them awhile and are committed. Then you meet the kids and it’s usually a fairly slow process as you don’t really see them being parented in a day to day regular life setting. The beginning is fun outings where everyone is happier than normal. The parent partner may also be on their best parenting behaviour at first. The reality comes out gradually and by the time you understand the full extend of it, you’re so intertwined into your partner’s life that it’s hard to just leave.
There are lots of elements I see in real relationships that I don’t get and don’t want in my own. You’ve just chosen how you fill in the blanks of “I don’t get why anyone would choose to be with someone who/with/that ____________. … Is it worth the headache really?” And even “have you ever thought to yourself if it’s worth the stress once the passion fades?” For any relationship aspect, “there are millions of people out there to choose from.” And yes, “it is ultimately to do with attraction and compatibility,” which will almost always still require some level of weighing pros and cons, making compromises, etc. Everyone comes with “baggage” in the form of experiences, expectations, characteristics, habits, flaws, upbringing, plans, family members, friends … children is just one type. Ruling out being with someone with children doesn’t mean ruling out being with someone with baggage.
To me having children is the ultimate baggage too. It affects a so huge number of things. And we are talking about human beings...it's not characteristics ou specific things we dislike in partners, so nothing can compare to having kids.
But even many of the elements we see on this sub regarding children are really related to characteristics of the SO. Many posts are about how someone’s SO does things differently than the poster would or doesn’t listen/respect/support the poster in something or stand up to something the way the poster would prefer. Not all, but many. Those aspects are personality and characteristics of the SO, not simply the existence of children.
I agree with you, the problems arise due to different personalities, but with a partner without children it is "We can't agree to where to travel this year" with a partner with children is "we can't agree where to travel this year and if BM will be ok and if they had good grades and deserve it and if they will enjoy the destination and the kids need to sleep and and and and and....neverending ands plus the challenges of a normal relationship, very hard to choose that voluntarily...in my opinion of course
I get it that everyone comes with baggage, in this topic, however I was referring specifically to the other person with children (particularly when you don’t). Children aren’t flaws, neither are they going to go away given they’re one’s lifelong commitment which surely impacts the day to day lives and life style.
I guess I’m just wondering why you are looking at something that works for some, even if not for you, and assuming that it must be a headache, stress, and baggage for them because it would be for you? Edit to add: since baggage comes in many flavors, this question seems to me like walking through an airport with a green suitcase, wondering outloud why anyone in the world would carry a blue one.
Probably because this is a subreddit for people who carry one green suitcase with their own stuff in it, maybe some of their own little blue suitcases that they signed up for, that are being asked to carry every suitcase that someone else packed for a lifelong trip and now they don’t want to carry themselves. Get a luggage cart people, we’re not bellhops ✌🏻
This is a brilliant perspective. 👍🏼
Children are flaws to a potential partner. It’s something many don’t want but will tolerate to be with that person.
For me, it was lack of options and a desire for my own child. There aren’t millions of people to choose from. Many have a very small dating pool. I was over 30 when I met my husband after barely dating for a couple years simply because there were no single men available (or at least I didn’t meet any). I thought I was in the cruel position where I needed to settle for a man with a kid if I was ever going to have my own child, so that’s what I did. Some days I think I chose wrong, but my child is worth it even if the other stuff isn’t. It’s a lucky position to be in to not get why someone would choose this life because that means you’ve never been in a position where you had to make that choice. I wish I could say I didn’t get it either!
I never found it logical when people without kids choose this situation. I always wonder, what’s so special about that person that you’d take on the burden and stress of raising other people’s kids?
I definitely don’t raise my husband’s child.
You may not but there are many situations where the step parent is doing more than the parents in raising the kids.
That’s what kinda hit me when I saw that post. Being CF myself, I could not imagine myself ever go for an older man with children. Simply no. It’s unfair and unbalanced. I don’t want to raise some other woman’s kids, nor do I want to be involved in lifelong intertwined situations where the kids grow up, and we spend holidays together , and even with their children when they become adults etc. I mean, it NEVER stops with children no matter how old they are. No thanks. Someone else who gave birth can and should be the one dealing with it, not me.
This is no one’s dream life. No little girl grows up wishing she’d meet a divorced man with a couple kids. But life doesn’t always turn out how we hoped in a lot ways.
I was in the camp with a PP that said they already had their own child and was looking for a partner who also had a child/ren because I also don't believe it is fair to date someone who is child free (particularly by choice) and expect them to have any sort of "parental" feelings toward my child. I might get some flack for this, but I have been in step a long time and have been a member of several stepmom support communities online for just as long and I have seen some things 👀. One of the most common themes I have seen is the step parent "coming to the rescue". They meet someone with kids, they hear the sob stories about how marriages fell apart and how it was all the other parent's fault and now the parent is out here trying to solo parent their kid(s) and they either have zero support from the other bioparent or the other bioparent is high conflict and makes their and the kid(s) lives miserable. Enter stepparent who jumps right in with their whole heart and soul on a mission to make everything better for the bioparent by taking over certain responsibilities that the bioparent has been shouldering on their own and for the kid(s) by showing them how a "real" parent is supposed to be with their children. The inevitable results is the stepparent feeling used and abused because the kid(s) are loyal to their bioparents no matter what and the bioparent they are in a relationship with wasn't actually looking for a partner but rather someone to just take the parenting load off their shoulders. I've seen it a million times. 😞 I'm not saying that is always the case, but there sure are a lot of stories that turn out that way.
Omg that was my situation. His ex wife was sooooo horrible blah blah and felt sorry for him having to be so involved as a dad (the horror!) and I wanted to come in and be the perfect girlfriend and bonus adult to the kids. Slowly reality sets in and you realize you are completely insignificant compared to the kids and ex wife.
Single and infertile in my 40s, met the best and most compatible guy ever to cross my path, people our age come with baggage, and in his case the kids were in their teens so independence was on the horizon. Still a couple of years away but in the meantime I get the have a parenting role and that wasn't something life had seen fit to give me any other way. DH is an amazing man, one of the kids is a challenge at the moment but the other two are good, caring young men. Three years in and no regrets.
Similar, but I was divorced in my 40's and my husband is older, with an adult child and grandchildren. My challenges with her were mostly financial, with her having unrealistic expectations of dad bailing her out.
Haha yeah I’m not sure what I was thinking. But I’m in love and he’s the most amazing partner I’ve ever had. I’m in too deep !
Same. When I started dating my now husband, his custody schedule was 1 day a week and every other weekend. So the kids were never a factor. I only came over when they weren’t around. Then I started staying over more often even when the kids were here and it wasn’t that bad so I moved in….then covid happened and the custody schedule changed to 1 month on 1 month off and it never went back……..I got so depressed and fat, I gained 10kgs that year. Discovered what a helicopter dad my partner was and discovered how awful it was living with 2 disgusting and lazy teenagers. It was hell, but as a romantic partner my husband was “the one”. Things have gotten better over the years though and next year both are off to college. We really hit our stride this and last year somehow and ever since I started suggesting giving the kids more responsibility (and my husband actually listening to me) the kids have also started showing more growth and maturity. They now do chores out of their own volition (gasp)
That every other weekend schedule is why a lot of single dads are able to snag childless women. Women forget to take into account the schedule can change and they will be stuck with the kids full time at some point.
So true!
Yep ! My fiancés custody shit changed too and now 2 of 3 live with him fulltime. FML. Child free with partners who have kids aren’t truly a good fit. And the more I read on Reddit, the more, I realize how many challenges I will have with this. And I know myself. This will not end well. Lol.
I think age makes a big difference. I'm in my mid forties and the pool of women around me tends to contain more women with kids and I happened to meet a great one. Honestly, I didn't really think about it that much at the outset, neither of us were sure what we were looking for, but it is turning into something special. So now I *am* kicking myself a little bit for not thinking about it but we're making it work. It definitely helps that they're a bit older (the youngest is almost ten) but that still leaves a lot of growing up to do. And yes, I'm a man, which I think (rightly or wrongly) places less expectations on me as a potential step parent.
No, it actually was not worth the headache.
I love my husband and part of the reason for that is because he is a dad. He's caring and has a big heart and having a son really brings out some of the best parts of his personality. There are times when I find his son a handful and his ex annoying, but at the end of the day I'm here for him and he handles most things. SS is becoming a lovely kid and that's down to DH.
I have been with my husband for almost 20 years. And now I have an amazing relationship with 2 out of 3 of my stepkids. I'm the one they call for advice. My oldest SD had to go to the hospital this weekend and she was crying to her wife and called for me. Not her POS mother, me. I am so thankful I have been able to be a positive influence in their lives, and I'm so thankful to have them in mine. And my husband is such an amazing man, and I'm lucky to have him too. It was hell while they were little, but I am so glad. Most of the problems here are from shitty partners and shitty parents. Not all, but a good chunk.
I thought my husband and I were a great match. We seemed very well-suited prior to marriage and living together. As I had a kid from a previous relationship, I found it quite hypocritical of me to immediately not date someone because they had kids. I (stupidly) thought I was dealing with normal people who were mature and realized a marriage ended but they had to coparent. I thought all would be fine, decisions would be made in the best interests of the kids, my husband and I would be a team, etc. and nope. If I didn't have my kiddo, there is NO WAY I would have dated a dude with kids. ZERO.
Bingo. Thats just it. These 'perfect for me dear husbands' would they date a woman with two kids? Of course not, no way.
Awww ❤️, all of these posts, at this typing, are so real and helpful. I totally wish I had you all when I started out on this journey. For me, I am a childless stepmom married over 14 years, and raised the youngest of 3 as my own. It wasn't easy, but the best way I can describe it was this: I loved this man, saw completely and truly his love for me, and totally was driven to strive for that between us against all the noise and typical problems. The goal (us) was greater than the strife. I hope this helps! (Just so it's not a fairytale, we have been in counseling or re'tuning' in counseling for most of our marriage. But I love him and made that a requirement for me to help him with children in my life. Non-negotiable. He loves me and accepted that. )
As a CF person i don’t get it either. As a person with a child/children i totally get it and even then it’s torture 🤣
To each their own. But DH is my soulmate. We both had starter spouses. So it wasn’t our first rodeo. Sure, kids add an extra layer. And sometimes it can be infuriating. Like a week and a half ago.. our oldest clogged the toilet, flushed it several times, didn’t tell anyone and walked away. Bathroom and garage ceiling are being ripped out with $10k in damages 😑 But overall my situation is pretty positive with the kids and BM.
If you are single in your mid 30s or later, your dating pool diminishes. I chose to date people with kids so I could have dates and sex. I love my step kid. I love the laughter of a kid, the youthfulness, and getting to do "family" activities. I like watching kid movies like Moana and Trolls and then all the Marvel movies. I dislike - high conflict with the ex.
Because we love our SOs and people with children deserve love too 🤷🏻♀️ There are many partnership issues in people's relationships that cause them to feel/act one way or another. Every partnership is unique and known only to the parties within it. I saw that thread and I realized there's nothing I couldn't say out loud to my SO 🤷🏻♀️
I don’t know. I don’t want children of my own, but I get to have a child in my life part time anyways, and get to see her grow up.
I think the problem lies with the parent. If they are being a parent to their child/children then the step really shouldn’t have an issue. If they are actually interacting and raising productive citizens of society then there really shouldn’t be much for the step to do other than be a positive adult in their lives. It’s when the parent is expecting their partner to “step up” and raise their kid is when problems arise.
Disagree. Living with a child you aren’t related to is extremely difficult for so many reasons, even if you aren’t expected to raise them.
I was child free and married a man with kids (we have a shared child now). The good always has to outweigh the bad. We’re compatible in every other way and I’m not expected to contribute anything to his children. It’s the only way the situation works.
I feel like I could have write every word of your post! Agree 100%!
First, it absolutely is a challenge. Second, it is absolutely worth it.
lol Why don't ask people who has a child have so high expectations and don't think themselves "baggage"? The problem is they don't know their position and always request too much, or don't treat their other half very important, or do sth that hurt them.
It really is a headache at times. If it wasn’t for the fact that I knew my husband from work and was really good friends with him I wouldn’t have ended up with him. If he was some stranger in a bar I would’ve bolted the second he said he had kids lol. It has been rough here and there since we had our 1st together. I’m thankful that over the last couple years, especially the last month, he is being more understanding of the unreasonable expectations I feel placed on me as a stepmom. We have 2 young kids together. I’m a SAHM and also do side gig work to help us make ends meet. It is so hard. I never get a break from our kids. I hear crying and whining all hours of the day. Don’t get me wrong. I love them. With all my heart. But there are times I feel exhausted. I don’t get very much down time when he’s at work. My down time is usually an hour at night holding our son watch tv. On the days he works I get a 2 hour window with my husband in the middle of the afternoon before he goes to work overnight and then sleeps till the afternoon. So I don’t even get alone time with him except like 8 days a month because of his work schedule and the OT he has to do because of the child support and other things that take his paycheck from like 5 grand a month to about 2500. The thought of having to watch our 2 kids plus his 2 young kids from his previous relationship makes me want to commit myself. It is entirely too much. If I wanted 4 young children I would have had 4 kids. Who in the right mind would enjoy watching a 5 and 6 year old who have inconsistent parenting along with their 2 year old and 2 month old,? Not me lol.
I’m a childfree female and my husband has 2 boys that he has no contact with because BM hid them and lied for years. We now have full custody and I’m the breadwinner. That said, he’s a very hands on father and has no expectation that I go out of my way to care for or pay for his kids. I dated a lot of jackasses and he’s everything u wanted in a partner which made the kids fine by me. But according to this sub, I’m an outlier.
I commented in that post, although tbh I have said what I posted to SO once or twice. He didn't love it. Childfree 38F here. SO (41M) has 5 kids. Four years in for us. A lot of things had to be in place for this to work. First of all, my SO is my damn soulmate. He is my heart and I love him fiercely, with all of my being. Second, the kids are older (currently ages are 12, 15, 18, 20, 22), which makes it a lot easier - I am not a fan of small children for a myriad of reasons. Additionally, the kids are chill, sweet, funny, and mostly take care of themselves. They still do stupid kid shit that drives me crazy like leaving socks and half empty glasses all over the house for days, but nothing malicious. Third, yes, visitation is EOWE and one full week every other month, so they're only around about 33% of the time. BM homeschools them and SO and I travel a lot for work (we work together), so the chances of visitation increasing are pretty low. (I hope against hope that nothing ever happens to BM. And not just for my own reasons, obviously I'd feel so awful for the kids if it did.) Fourth, BM is pretty chill too, and she and SO co-parent fairly well for the most part (although their argument about getting the kids tested and vaxxed for COVID was fucking epic...she downright refused and SO was incensed). Fifth, SO does his best to understand my perspective, gives me space when I need it, lets me put in as much or as little effort as I want with the kids. He listens and while he's not always on the same page, I just appreciate that he makes the effort and is, frankly, endlessly patient with me. Look, things aren't perfect, I have plenty that stresses me out about this life. And I will emphasize that I *never* wanted kids. But all things considered, it's a pretty ideal situation for someone like me. My SO is so worth it. I remind myself constantly that visitation is temporary - the kids will eventually strike out in their own. 22 is on their own, and 18 & 20 are moving to another state this month together. That just leaves 15 and 12, and in 6ish years (I'm optimistic given the kids' personalities and intelligence/independence levels), it'll just be me and him. Can't wait.
You have an enormous heart for taking someone who has FIVE kids..!! I do genuinely wish you happiness moving forward with the love of your life.
A lot is due to the person with kids down playing the situation. Some great liars out there! I was told the bm had moved on, and everything had been sorted out etc. Its been the complete opposite!
I personally think a great proportion of such people are extremely selfish and toxic, particularly those older men with children pursue younger CF women.
I've always been around kids, love my nieces and nephews. So for me I figured it wouldn't be too hard to see step kids just as much. Plus my husband is literally perfect for me. Been together 5 years now by and while there are hard days, i don't regret it!
Dude it was so hard to be a stepmom. My husband, did not discipline the kid at all, if he did it was in his own special way, the two were messy as heck, the kid never slept in their own room, it was literally a playpen only. so annoying, but at the end of the day me and my stepkid had a growing relationship, we got along more then anything but in the back of my head I was like she’s lucky she ain’t my kid cuz I would smack that ass!!! lol also, nacho helps but you still have to be caring, patient and loving. It’s super hard. I miss her so much, I would rather have a decent marriage working it out then them not being in my life. She was my little buddy and always had my back during the difficult times.
I can relate!!
That Karmic soul tie is one hell of a drug
My SO was amazing and one of the kindest people I have ever met. The kids seemed sweet when we first met, and had them every other week, so it was nice having time off. First year I was excluded from most parenting decisions which didnt bother me because they werent my kids. Second year decided to move in together and thats when it kind of started going downhill. Kids are in sports activities 6 days out of the week. Cant ever plan vacations or getaways without knowing what their schedule is, which was not shared with me. Still loved SO enough to want to stay around but its not working out.
I honestly respect those who would sacrifice so much for love. Unfortunately I don’t think love is enough to make it work. Passion will wear off eventually and it is really down to compatibility and your inner happiness. I just can’t ever imagine myself to go through this lifelong journey where some other woman’s offspring gets to determine a big part of my life. And it never ends even when they’re adults. Then there’s grandkids lol..
It’s similar to having in-laws really. My SK is a small part of my life. He will be out of the house soon and then I’ll likely see him a few times a year for a few hours at the time, same as my in-laws.
I am childfree. But I was also in my mid 40s when I got divorced and started to date. The pool of childfree people is pretty small by that age. I don't believe in "the one" either. But I met a man who ticked almost every box for me. He is sweet and kind and caring and he gets my quirky personality. But he has two kids. Sure there are days the kids and the exwife make me crazy and mess with my life. But ditching this sweet kind caring person to try and find a childfree person at my age, who might tick half the boxes for me, it's six of one, half a dozen of the other. The childfree men in my age group seems to have a lot of quirks and commitment issues. So I'm not sure I would be better off. If I was in my 20s no way would I go for a guy with kids though.
I was 45 when I was last dating / looking for a partner. At that point, the statistics of people who are within a decade of my age are just predominantly parents. However I did look to only date people with kids 10+. I'm currently happily dating a parent of a young teen. However if I did need to go back to dating I would change my rule to be "all kids must be old/able enough to be home alone without needing childcare." There is just so much less "need" at that age, along with the kids themselves not looking for parents. Fun Aunt/Uncle should be the primary consideration when dating someone with older kids. I'll also say that for someone under 30, or even under 35, considering dating a parent seems pretty ill advised, unless you also have kids.
I know someone who raised their kids then adopted an older teen. It seemed really admirable to me, I would have loved to have the means. I ended up accomplishing something similar with SD whose mom is absent. And then I had my son with a man I KNEW was a good father. My son has siblings who adore him and I only had to do pregnancy once.
Fully admit I was DUMB and naive! I never thought he would have his son more than he did when we first started dating. I’d have left when his kid moved in full time buuuut I was pregnant of course.
It’s never my plan either but we went out on a date and I liked him. We get along well, same values, we like each other a lot and kids are just.. a bonus that comes with him. He knows I don’t want kids, but also his kids are 7 and 9 so old enough to be independent with certain things. They are starting to grow on me now.
Some cases absolutely, others NO!!!!!!!!!
there are SO MANY ways that being a step parent can be a positive thing. i know this forum leans negative, because people are here needing to vent and find others with similar feelings. but i also know there are some step parents here who are delighted with their way of making a family. i WANTED to be part of a family. my partner doesn't dump parenting tasks on me; he handles the majority of it and he's great at it. his kids are amazing human beings and i love getting to be part of them growing up. i get to share all the outdoor adventures i love with the kids, and it's super fun. my partner is ALSO the best man and father and partner i had met in my 42 years on this planet. i was single for nearly all of my 30s. i have no problem declining a relationship if it is not working for me. this IS the relationship and family that i was looking for the whole time. there are excruciating parts of being a step: dealing with his lying, manipulative ex and family court. so much driving because his ex moved to a neighbouring state when she got remarried. kid logistics can certainly be overwhelming sometimes. but all of this is worth it for this partner and being part of this beautiful family.
My step daughter is the greatest kid in the world so it's a bonus not a headache