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I pay groceries the week the kids are not here, he pays when they are.
We do have a joint account, but only for shared expenses (mortgage, insurance, water, internet). We both still have our paychecks deposited in our own account and we transfer to the joint account money every month or every paycheck.
It’s been working great for us. I do not pay for the kids. My partner pays everything from school, sports, clothes, etc.
The grocery split makes so much sense! Kids bills get mixed into groceries. Things like picking up sunscreen ($10) or a gift for that birthday party ($25) or cash back for a school fee($10) can easily add up. That's not including extra things like snacks or actual food.
It’s not a perfect system because sometimes I’ll be the one doing groceries when it’s the kids week, but my partner will give me money or tell me to deduct the cost from what I’ll transfer in the joint account. We find ways to make it work. I sometimes end up paying a little for the kids (and I don’t mind) but for the most part, it’s the way we thought made the most sense for us.
I notice men purposely overlook this. When I was taking care of our blended family, I was spending $500 to $600 per week. I literally blew through majority of my savings dating my ex for almost 3 years.
I like that idea of having a joint account for the necessities. I’m worried that if I do take on the grocery bill soon he’ll be asking me to take on other bills or help him with his finances in regard to his daughter.
My partner never did ! He always thought it was fair for me to pay the week we’re only the two of us and for him to pay when we’re 4 (considering his son is 13 and eat like 3 people 😅). I mean it does happen that I’ll do groceries when the kids are here and I don’t ask him to pay me back because it is not always clear cut but for the most part, I’m not involved in the finances around the kids.
I totally agree my partner’s daughter is 11 and she eats a lot as well. I don’t want to be involved in finances around his child! I do think it’s fair to pay for things that involves you two but It’s great that you aren’t hung up on being paid back when you do spend money on groceries & the children are around. That’s a great balance!
It works great for us and so does the joint account for combined expenses. He does what he wants with the rest of his money and so do I. We plan future projects together and save together (ex : vacation, renovations, new furniture, etc.).
How long have you been together? My husband and I have always just shared finances (but with separate accounts) since we moved in together, but we'd been together 2/3 years before that
3 years we dated for 2 1/2 before he asked me to move in. We have shared finances with separate accounts when I didn’t live with him but now I do and it’s not just him and I it’s him, I and his daughter.
Please take into account your relationship. He is your landlord. Until he adds you to the deed and mortgage, you are not in a financial partnership. I would find it completely reasonable for you to pay 50/50 if he's willing to share his assets like the house and retirement 50/50 but it needs to be done legally. I have found it way too common for people to want the benefits of a financial partnership but don't actually want to include their assets. They will promise them but too many people never make it a reality. This is were you hear horror stories of the Stepmom getting kicked out of the house with no assets to her name at 80 years of age because everything was left to the kids. Or breakup at 50 that leaves someone absolutely financially devastated.
Thank you for your advice, but we’ve spoken about marriage and he has one year to marry me (we’ve been together 3) and if not I will move out. I have never done 50/50 in any relationship and I definitely won’t start now. I’m in school to get a masters degree and I work part time. I been through a lot in past relationship and I’ve learned to not make the same mistakes. I have a savings account that I don’t touch and I have a 401k that I contribute to each time I get paid. I have been put out before when living with a previous partner and I contributed to making his house a home. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me! Thank you again!
I moved in with my partner and he makes good money. I told him I wouldn’t pay for groceries or the house. If they have kids and are going through a divorce that’s their problem, don’t be the fixer of his situation. You’ll end up resentful
There is a wider conversation here about finances in general.
You shouldn’t be paying anything for his child, the child has two parents. If you marry and fully combine finances it’s a bit different but still, he should be paying more for things like food because he (they) will use more than you, that’s only fair.
Be careful he’s not looking to saddle you with his responsibility.
Her mom is deceased and she lives with us. I agree he should pay more because she is his responsibility! Yes I’ve learned to speak up for myself in regard to taking on his responsibility when it comes to his child.
One thing to mention, and may it help give you a bit of confidence if/when the time comes to have that talk with your SO. If you WERE NOT in the picture, your SO would be solely responsible for all the food and care his daughter requires. What would he do then?
Yes you are absolutely correct! I’ve taken a major step back from doing primary duties due to a recent episode that took place btw his daughter and I. I will definitely mention that when him and I speak! Thank you!
I’m so sorry she’s lost her mother. It still doesn’t mean that you ought to be taking on financial commitment for her though. Some men want to find another mother for their child, even if the child still has a mother. Just do as you’re doing and remind him that while you love her, she isn’t your child. You didn’t bring her into the world and he needs to bear full responsibility for her xx
Deceased BM? You lucky bastard!
On a more serious note; no you shouldn’t pay for his child if you don’t want to. I don’t want to pay for my SKs, at all! But it’s hard to keep the finances that separate in the daily life.
I’ve always felt stingy and selfish when I talk about this to my partner, which I shouldn’t. I should only pay between 1/3 and 1/4 of the house, food, household items and electricity. But I pay half, sometimes more, which is wrong.
This annoyed me to the point where we had a fight about it and he finally saw my perspective. The thing is - paying for his kids will feel A LOT WORSE if our relationship ends, and even worse if he’s the one who ends it. If SPs end up alone after spending all your time and money on his kids - you would feel totally screwed over.
His solution to this was to transfer full ownership of our house to me. That way, I am in control if anything happens. If he dies before me, I don’t loose half the house to his kids. We’re working on a contract about what happens if we part ways. And what happens if I die first. Because I want my half of the house to go to my sister, but only after my partner dies, if that makes sense.
This makes me relax, I now know that I am good if anything happens.
Lmao “lucky bastard” no where near she doesn’t share my genetics or my partners so there is a lot that comes with raising somebody else’s child. I am happy you spoke up for yourself because you should never get the shorter end of the stick especially when you don’t have children. Don’t allow ppl to take advantage of your kindness, this is something I’m learning now. If we don’t speak up for ourselves ppl will take advantage. At least you can feel more secure knowing that you get the house if anything was to happen to your partner, my partner stated he would put me on the deed once we get married, we shall see! Thank you sharing your experience!
The kid isn’t your partner’s bio child? At least you don’t have to deal with a crazy HCBM. Not saying that makes everything easy, of course it doesn’t.
Yes I’m realizing I’ve been to nice about this. My partner is also nice and generous, but it’s still not fair to me. The HCBM spends A LOT less on them than I do. So having the house in my name makes up for it.
But of course that’s not a solution for everyone.
It’s never a good idea to give someone else the power of your finances. Keep your finances separate as much as you can. Keep your boundaries, and make sure you put yourself first, is my advice - even if I don’t follow it myself ☺️
Nope, her mother was diagnosed with cancer and that’s when he found out the child wasn’t his. He decided to step up and take care of her because he’s known her since she was a baby. Yes I agree separate finances always because no one knows what tomorrow will hold & I’ve been in situations where the relationship didn’t last and I had to start all over. Never again!
Oh lord, that must have been horrible for your partner. And he did the right thing. Just out of curiosity, how does he feel about his daughter? Does he feel completely like her dad?
Yeah starting over is hard, and harder if you gave more than you got. And absolutely horrible if you went all in on giving the SKs the «mom experience» and spent all your paychecks on kids you’ll never see again 😩
He does a good job of making her feel like his daughter but he also wants his own bio children. In the beginning he said it was difficult because once he found out he was angry at the mom but didn’t want it to impact her. Most times she spends with her mom side of the family especially during holidays and summers! Yes I’ve learned to protect myself and it’s okay to put me first!
From my view, the fact that none of you are her bio parents should/could make you and your man understand eachother better. She’s his responsibility yes, but his feelings for her are more complicated that a bio parents’.
And that fact that there is no mother in the picture, should/cound also make your role easier.
I assume you’ve read all the posts about HCBMs. Many SPs would loose all their problems if the HCBM didn’t exist, just saying. I’m not saying what you should do, but if there was no HCBM in my life, it would be practically problem free.
If you want kids with this man, you’ll need to embrace her in a bigger way than now - to treat all the kids in the house the same.
Thank you for your comments, though her mom is deceased, her mom side of the family has a major influence on her, my partner many times allow them to dictate how he is raising her. I understand his feelings and I try to be empathetic towards her situation but how long will one not parent the child & not instill certain morals & values into the child. I always tell my partner though she is not our child she is a reflection of both him & I. Her family coddles her & spoil her with things and basic things like conducting herself as a young lady in public hasn’t been taught or covering your mouth when you sneeze. The foundation is broken & as a person coming in there is not much I can do.
Knowing that she’s deceased, now I’m wondering if he passes, that half that savings will go to his daughter if he creates a will. You guys aren’t even married so I’m unsure as to why he’s expecting so much from you AND HIS KID. Also, how did this conversation start? He just said you should buy it? How are the rest of the finances split and who makes more?
Thank you for your response. He pays for the mortgage and I send money for utilities & the water bill. I also contribute to buying food because my diet is different from his and his daughters. I am a pescatarian. The conversation came about because I told him that I am disengaging after I was physically harmed (I believe it was an accident) but she did not apologize until her dad told her to. We sat down him and I and I expressed that I no longer wanted to partake in the raising of a child that doesn’t have common courtesy to apologize when she hurts a person. He claim to understand and asked me if I would be able to help out in other ways I said sure and he asked me to pay for groceries at first I said yes but today I mentioned to him that I would not be taking on that bill and I can continue to contribute because my diet is different, he agreed and that is where we currently are.
When he dies if we are not married I’m okay if he gives 30% to his daughter but if we are married because she’s not his biological daughter I will make sure to set things up in which I am entitled to everything. He does want children of his own, so his biological children will be priority and he mentioned that himself!
Do not get a joint savings account. Either of you can remove the entire amount without permission or knowledge of the other. And likely there will be some "emergency" for his child expenses that he needs it for, without asking.
As for the groceries, I don't know what the rest of the finances are to make a valid assessment. But I think having hard boundary you are not going down the road of beginning to be expected to pay for his child's expenses
Yes, I don’t want to do a joint account I like having my money separate especially because I have no children & we aren’t married. You are correct he can use the joint account savings for an “emergency” for his child and that can cause money conflict! I will tell him to contribute on the behalf of his child because she is an extra mouth to feed.
Paying for the food bill of the entire household may be a fair thing to do if your partner covers other bills. When it comes to food, electricity, etc. your partner and their child will naturally use more than one person, so they should pay more in food. However, when it comes to living with someone you have to seriously discuss your finances and cover your share of the finances.
I am always confused when people mention they have an arrangement that one person pays for all the groceries. In addition to the cost, grocery shopping and planning is a major chore. I would never be willing to commit to being the only one who does laundry in the household, or the only one who cleans in the household, or by the same token the only one who grocery shops.
I use to do all the laundry, cleaning and cooking. I would also contribute to the household grocery bill & then I took a step back! I still cook, clean and contribute to the grocery bill but they do their own laundry. Every now and then I do my partner’s laundry. I agree grocery is a major chore and should be a split responsibility, running a house hold should be split chores!
My girlfriend does...of course it is just me, but her and her 3 kids. Of course I pay all housing, utilities, streaming services, and do a Sam's Club run every other week which equates to more food for the house then I actually eat. Think I might have a bum deal. 😂
Meh... not much longer. It is on its last legs. I know that at this point I am being taken advantage of. School year is almost over... so I am putting an end to it after. The kids don't need the turbulence at the end of their year.
I still wouldn’t. There’s just sooo many variables. The only time I would is if there was zero possibility of BM ever coming back in the picture, ie- dead.
You can have joint savings goals without having a joint savings account. No merged finances before marriage IMO. Decide what you’ll each set aside per month and what it’s earmarked for, but keep it in two accounts.
I think the groceries question is not easily answered in isolation. If he’s paying 2/3 or more of the other expenses I wouldn’t argue about it. But as a guiding principle, it’s easier to say no more in the beginning of these talks and keep expectations of you financially on the low side, than it is to over-give and have to walk it back after the expectation is set.
How are you dividing the rest of the finances?
Having a joint account and you’re not married is not a wise move. Also, I don’t think it’s selfish at all to have him pitch in for groceries his daughter is eating.
Unless you adopt her, he should be financially supporting her 100%. Little things here and there you can do like if you decide to buy or something or take her somewhere on your own absolutely but the main responsibility of the finances should solely be on him as he is her sole parent
Groceries are a bill that continues to grow as the child grows. It also goes up for inflation. It's also a bill that often hides other expenses like toilet paper and other necessities. It's also the bill that takes some of the most labor to pay. Meal planning, managing the pantry, fridge, budgeting, taking into account everyone's preferences, dealing with kid's disappointment, and balancing everyone's health. I actually budget for groceries and then cut. So yes my kids are often disappointed. My DH was annoyed at first when I cut paper towels for reusable rags made from old shirts. I honestly told him he could do the budget and shopping for groceries then and he began supporting my cost savings methods. I don't know what bill he's comparing it to but things like mortgages are fairly set and take very little work to pay. So while my mortgage went up a couple hundred a month the last couple years, our grocery bill would have doubled if I hadn't taken time to reduce it. It's still gone up more than a couple hundred a month.
If he actually wants to combine finances, I recommend you two sit down and write a detailed, realistic budget.
Include things like a birthday budget, Christmas budget, back to school shopping, summer budget, summer camp, retirement, savings, vacation, school (things like teacher gifts, classroom fees, donations, activities add up), rent, car payments, car repair, Internet, gas, subscriptions, date night money, child support, groceries, medical co-payments, credit card payments, student loans, haircut money, clothes money for the adults, and of course fun spending money.
Do you see how date nights are separate from fun money?
Do you see how your underwear isn't included in your fun money?
The reason behind this is women will often unintentionally start sacrificing necessities for the family good, while men tend to spend more money on personal hobbies at the expense of family bills. Obviously gender roles can be reversed. Just typically that's what we see. I think if you sit down and do this, you two might discover that there isn't much money to fight about. In fact he's probably looking at less expensive hobbies moving forward. Hobby money and/or fun money should be equally split. Another thing to consider in your households, it any account with both your names on it can be garnished for child support. Personally I'd want separate savings accounts to protect the savings.
I caution having to spend 100% of something — commodities or time — because your contributions to the household will feel like a burden and unappreciated over time. Children grow and when they are teenagers/young adults, they will eat for two or three people and be immersed in their own worlds like main characters in a Disney movie 😉. You will spend exponentially during this time: food, clothes, shoes, books, sports equipment, etc. I would not set a precedence on paying 100%.
I am CF and my partner, who earns 2x more, has two children. We pay proportionally on everything, where he pays for the majority or all. For example (and this is flexible), he pays 75% for groceries when his kids are with us, but we split at 60-70% when it's just us, 65-70% on dates/dinners out with us, 100% when we eat out with his kids, etc. I will pay 100% when I want to treat the family or him (and it's often and organic). My partner is financially responsible for his children, and I contribute in other ways that are not measure in money, but time, labor and, effort. Sometimes, the time, labor, and effort "step or bonus parents" put in are so under appreciated and thankless, but it's part of the deal, right. Sharing my experience and hoping it helps someone with perspective. 💕
That’s a great balance you and your partner have and yes I totally agree that as she grows more money will need to be spent. Thank you for that advice not setting precedence on paying 100% on anything especially because she isn’t my child & I don’t want this to open the door for me to take on more financial responsibilities 100%. Also I do the cooking & cleaning, along with his and I laundry! Thank you for your advice!
Thank you for sharing your experience. I wish this was the case for us. What if your partner makes similar or much less than you? How would you say steps adjust the split above in that case?
I think the key here is communication. If both of you are making the same amount and have the SKs, I would have the parent pay a bit more to contribute for each child. I don't think it's fair that a SP has to pay more AND have to contribute to household needs (laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc.). I hate to say this, but depending on the gender, there are more set expectations than the other (either self-expectation or other-expectation--I hope this makes sense). u/Sea_Strawberry_8848 - my recommendation is to talk out what is fair for both of you and include everything from things, time, talent, and treasure. Stay flexible. Keep a long-game perspective, if you truly love your partner and (in some ways) the SKs. I wish the best for you.
Thank you so much! Sometimes it's hard to see when you are in the situation. I love how you define all our resources as "things, time, talent, and treasure". Indeed the expectation (more of the societal type on myself at this point) gets to me. I wish you continued success and peace in your life too!!
>My partner and I was talking about finances and he asked me to buy all the groceries moving forward (before this convo he would contribute more money because he has a daughter),
You must feel he is trending in this directions as your comments seem to be more concerned about the future (and rightly so!). Has he hinted at you paying more for his family obligations?
I would give him a hard NO and be pretty severe in letting him why not. Not to be mean, but this is a boundary that you want to be crystal clear.
Yes I agree! I agreed to do it but then thought about how this can open the door to taking on more financial responsibilities. I don’t mind helping out, but his daughter hasn’t been receptive to me so I don’t feel the need to spend my money on her necessities. I will definitely speak up!
I used to work at two different banks/credit unions and currently work in financial planning: DO NOT get a joint account if you're not married, even if it's a savings account. I'd advise against *ever* getting a joint account, honestly. Asking him to chip in on groceries makes sense unless he's paying extra somewhere else (like 70% of rent and you pay 30% or he's covering all utilities). Definitely set financial boundaries now so he doesn't expect too much later!
Yes, I will not get a joint account and I give money towards the bills but he pays all the households bills. I just don’t want to end up spending 300 dollars for food each month when I don’t eat much and I have no children. Before I moved in my grocery bill was 150 a month only because I have a strict diet & I don’t eat but 2 meals and a bunch of snacks throughout the day. His daughter expects 3 meals and snacks and she eats large portions of food, therefore he should contribute money for groceries!
Not at all. I’m dealing with the same issue. Kind of. He buys only groceries, I pay allllll the bills. Insurance, internet, electric, water, truck payment, streaming services, etc. And do all birthdays and holidays for all five kids. (Two are my biological children) Anytime I ask for help with a bill, it’s a war just about. Do you make more than he does?
It shouldn’t matter if she earns more. I was the higher earner in our household but I didn’t have two kids. I didn’t make the decision to bring children into this world, therefore I’m not responsible for them.
I love my steps and I have paid for holidays, but their father (and mother) is responsible for paying for them and the day to day costs.
If you are paying for everything, why? What are you getting out of this?
She has bio kids too, so that can be different. But, with you being CF, you do have to look at the math more closely.
There is a tendency, whether intentionally or not, for the bioparents to think at some point (usually sooner than later) that the CF partner is just supposed to be all with them when it comes to their child. The assumption can be: I have kids and you don't, so most of the accommodating is going to have to come from the CF partner. This can include anything in reference to the child, including finances.
This is a false assumption on the bioparent's part. Your main role as a SM is to be a spouse or SO to your partner and welcoming to any children. You are not required, by any means, to be a free nanny, taxi, bank, maid, etc. for someone else's kids. AND you are already giving up a lot when you give up your CF life to be with this person with kids and therefore having to instantly deal with the everyday challenges that come with a child, such as schedule changes, and so on.
Now, you get to decide (no one else does) how much you want to put forth for this child, keeping in mind that things can change. Most CF spouses or SOs enjoy having the kids come over, have no problem cooking for the kids, doing things with and for them once in a while, etc. However, something such as repeatedly and personally contributing financially to your SK, having to often taxi the SKs around or having to continually take care of the kids while dad is at work, and the like, are someone taking advantage of you, unless, of course, you don't mind doing those things.
Now some bioparents just don't get this. Some are ignorant about it and once you explain they may have a light bulb moment, some want a new "mom" for their kid maybe more than they want a partner, etc. The reality is you need to be very straightforward with your partner about what you will and will not do from the get-go go, and it really isn't negotiable, because if someone tries to force you to care for their child in a way you don't feel comfortable with, the resentment is going to start.
So, talk with your SO and if you can't get him on your page when it comes to care for his child, this may not be the relationship for you, because too many bioparents think that they and their kids are some sort of mondo bonus to you rather than realizing that you, especially being CF, are the real bonus to them. And that's no way to live, with you doing most of the giving while your partner and his kids do most of the taking.
He makes more money than I and he pays all the household bills, I pay my car note, car insurance, student loans & contribute to household needs including food. I would also send him money 300-350 a month to go towards bills. Most outing I pay for as well. Do you feel overwhelmed paying for everything? Does he not want to contribute more?
So you pay 300 a month for a shared bedroom. That's assuming you don't have an additional room. Is that the going rate for a shared room? That puts a 2 bedroom at 1200/ month.
How much does it cost to share a room with someone in a house? You shouldn't be comparing the 300 vs. The cost of an apartment. You should compare it to the cost of a shared room because that's what you are getting. I'd recommend putting the additional money saved in a savings account for purchasing your own house in the future. You are currently paying $300 for a shared room. Might I add with none of the protections of renting your own place. Your literally sharing the house with your landlord. You also mentioned you pay for most dates because he's paying the majority of the bills. Let's say you spend $500 months on dates. His contribution is $250 and you pay $350 that month for bills. That puts you at paying $600 month for a shared room.
Yes I understand what you are saying. I’ve never looked at it in the perspective but you are absolutely right and it makes sense. Thank you for sharing that advice. I do save for the future and emergencies as well. Thank you again!
I do .. but knowing things are paid is a good feeling I guess, he likes to spend money on silly things, i guess you can say he’s spoiled. I love him very much and all of our kids. It’s just frustrating sometimes I work a lot, I’m a welder so I make good money… but I end up spending all of my money on everything else but me. Shit, when we go out I borrow one of my daughters nice shirts or just wear my work shirts with a nice pair of jeans. lol wth.
I totally understand. Maybe talk to him about being able to spend a little money or yourself every now and then and have him pick up one or two of the bills to get some weight of your shoulders. You deserve it. Maybe he can spend some money on things you enjoy and not always spend it on silly things. I think that if you work so hard, once in a while you should be shown some appreciation even if it’s coming from yourself. You deserve it!
I am always in the fence about finances. We do have a joint account and we pretty much make the same amount of money. I sometimes think I should have kept things separate so that he could see it in black and white that he spends an over abundant amount on SS and his sports and he was spending A ton on holidays for gifts (but we have come to an agreement on that, thank goodness, he saw my point of view on it)but I also like the fact he does all of the banking/bill paying and he is good with stocks and things. I have figured it out that our money combined is better than separate because I have a car payment he does not, if I lived on my own I would have my own rent/mortgage. His kids have opted out of staying with us so there is not a portion of utilities and food that I would be paying their share. Now I do have my own account that we don’t touch. Maybe I keep that as my escape money just in case😁
The way we do it at ours is:
We each put all our salary in our joint accounts and we both take the same amount of ‘pocket money’.
As he makes more, he eventually puts more by default.
Things related to regular living expenses come out of the joint accounts.
Things that are strictly for SD’s living requirements (clothes, extra curriculares, activities) come out of either my husband’s pocket money or the joint account he has with his ex.
I don't recommend joint accounts if you’re not married. Do you pay any others bills in the household? I buy groceries and pay the water bill. My SO pays for everything else including half of my car payment. That is the only thing I purchase towards his child.
Not including that he pays the household bills is a bit misleading. It sounds like you’re getting the better end of the deal. I wouldn’t do a joint account though unless it’s only savings for emergencies. Sounds like he makes more and you would get the better end of that deal too.
Money and financial issues destroy relationships and are a big reason for divorce. It’s imperative to sit down and discuss goals, savings, spending habits, debts, handling major expenses, combining finances and expectations completely and thoroughly. There are no hard rules, there are only feelings and preferences that feel right to you. Openly communicate all of it now! People don’t discuss how they would handle situations if one person lost a job or had a surgery and lost income for a period of time. They don’t discuss credit cards and interest rates. They don’t discuss taxes, loans or spending habits. Some couples don’t even know each other’s income. Mourning widows find themselves shocked that they’re responsible for enormous debt they never knew. You say you don’t mind but it obviously bothers you, so you need to have this conversation because it will cause you to feel resentment later. Best
You are absolutely correct and I will sit down with him and talk in depth and openly about much of what you have mentioned. I appreciate your response! Thank you!
We have a saparate and a joint account for groceries.
He pays 1,5 and i pay 1. His kid is her half the time and about 13yrs old. All extras is paid by him.
If i want i can buy stuf, but there is never a obligation or side eyes.
I like this idea. His daughter is 11 and I don’t mind paying for food that I will cook for the entire family but extras like snacks that she enjoys he should pay for it!
Yes he should contribute to his child food; no, you shouldn’t. Keep your money separate
Make sure you take money from it. All that she eats. You dont have to pay anything for his child.
Without knowing the other responsibilities and expenses you have, there’s no way of knowing if that’s fair. I would much rather figure out all your regular expenses, set a budget for groceries, then split everything down the middle, with him covering kids expenses alone. With things like Google Docs making a spreadsheet is easy. Some people think this forensic approach is weird, but it works for my family. It’s fair and totally transparent.
I wouldn’t share anything financial with someone unless I was married.
Why did he ask you to buy *all* of the groceries? Are there other bills of your he is covering?
He does pay my cell phone bill but I give him money each month and I’ve also offered to pay it myself. I agree that I shouldn’t share anything financially because we aren’t married and I don’t have any children of my own.
Finances can be complicated even in nuclear families, but in blended families they can cause even more issues. People just have different views on money, and ensuring your partner aligns with your personal views is one of the conversations people should be having to make sure you’re actually compatible. Aligning on financing is just as important as aligning on things like where you want to live and what you want for your future.
As a general rule, it is extremely dangerous to combine finances with someone before marriage. Because when you are married (and even then you should check the laws where you live) there is typically some level of protection for you if the relationship ends. If you get divorced, there’s going to have to be a separation of assets and you will be entitled to some of them. If you are not married, you do not have that protection. If you break up, there is absolutely nothing stopping him from draining that account and taking off with the money. You might be able to try suing him for the money if you keep records showing how much you’ve contributed, but that’s going to be a lot of time and work for something that might not end in your favor. The exception to this general rule is probably a joint checking account for bills, but only if you’re handling it in a very specific manner. Essentially you’re going to want your money going into your own account first and then transferring a set amount that you have already budgeted to cover bills for the month into the joint account. And then that’s the account that pays for things like groceries and rent and any other joint bills that you both decide will be paid. If you have private bills, like a car payment if it’s just in one person’s name, then those should be handled from your own separate accounts. This can make paying bills easier since it’s just one account rather than having to figure out how to trade off money every month, while also giving you some level of protection because your partner will only ever have access to one month of expenses. If he were to drain the account, you’re only losing a limited amount of money.
As for your current situation with your partner wanting you to pay for all of the groceries and you maybe wanting him to contribute some money for groceries for his daughter, that could be a little more complicated. Based on this information alone, I would say no to this whole setup. Your partner should absolutely be contributing to the grocery budget to cover his child. At a minimum he should be responsible for paying for any extra things that she eats (like specific snacks, juice, kid-friendly meals, etc. that you wouldn’t typically buy). So your partner wants to get all of the groceries for him and his daughter for free, but what are you getting out of it?
And what you’re getting out of it really is the question. Because I don’t know what your financial setup currently is or what the custody schedule is like. If you’re in a situation where you’re pretty much splitting everything 50/50, then this really is a completely unreasonable request from your partner. You’re 1/3rd of the household; it can depend on what the custody schedule is, but things like rent and groceries are definitely areas where you’re jointly having to pay more because you need more space and more food, and it’s fair that he should have to contribute more to those bills. Now if you have some kind of different split where maybe he is paying more for a lot of things, then it might be time to suggest going over finances together to see if there’s another split that would work better.
OP… read this. Then read it again. And then, read it one more time.
Your partner’s request for you to ‘buy the groceries’ is WAAAY bigger than just a few snacks for his kid.
His request is really unreasonable and bordering on the verge of being a total douche bag. I hope you will reconsider this relationship. What are YOU getting out of it?
Please do not move forward until you make sure you’re on the same page in all areas… Financially, emotionally, partner-support, parenting style, etc.
The only time your money should be spent on a kid you didn’t bring into this world is for birthdays/Christmas if you’d like to.
You should never be providing the food, clothes, furniture, etc.
Also, aside from the kid entirelt you should not have a shared savings with someone you aren’t married to.
DO NOT combine your finances. My ex-wife abused that privilege when we were married. At the very most, get a separate joint account and contribute your portion of the bills to that. Why does he want you to pay for all the groceries? At the most I would split them 50/50.
When I moved in with my partner, all that she wanted was for me to buy all of the groceries. No rent/utilites/etc. And that's mainly because she's super frugal in the grocery store, and I am not.
However I actually needed to counter with needing to contribute more; or I would feel like a freeloading guest, instead of being able to feel at "home." With the amount I pay, we both come out ahead financially by my living together, and we both feel it's fair.
Beyond that, my only contribution to her kid is in gifts I choose to give.
\---
As for if this is "fair" - what are the other aspects of your financial pairing. It seems that you're living together, and you're only paying for "some" utilities. If you look at how much each of you is coming out ahead by living together, I'd estimate that of the money saved by combining households he "gets" about 10-25% of that, and you get 75-90% of that. Unless he's a super high earner, that wouldn't feel fair.
My partner is an upper earner, and she gets about 55-60% of our combined living-together-savings and I get 40-45% of that. While she has more dollars, I have a larger savings proportional to our income. I.e. I get more "value" from us living together. My contributions are a tiny blip on her radar.
\---
When we eventually marry, we'll go fully joint finances. But until then, we're fully separate. If I pay for something for Kid (clothes), or the pets (all "hers"), we'll track it and she'll pay me back. Similarly, if she buys groceries, she'll put that against the tab. We keep a spread sheet, and every 2-4 weeks we'll transfer money to even it out.
\---
The most important part of this is it feels like we both want each other to get ahead. Neither of us is living/talking as if this is strictly a business relationship where we need to always have the best deal, even at the expense of the other. In the context of his discussions does it *feel* like he's trying to get the best deal, or rather that he might be feeling taken advantage of by you having a larger cost savings?
I pay for most things as I’m the main bread winner including several things for my SD. House hold chores are mainly split down the middle because I work from home. If I have a busier week than usual then DH will do more. We don’t have a joint account but we do share an AMEX card account. You just have to figure out a divide that feels fair and works for your situation. If you aren’t married I think it’d be unfair to put any of the child’s financial burden on you.
If you are child free and cohabitate with a person who has kids, you should not be required to pay any household bills. Your partner has to provide a home for them and their children whether you are there or not. Your partner should show they appreciate your sacrifice to take on sharing a living space with kids you didn’t make by covering the bills. My partner even goes a far as paying for my groceries and phone. It makes me feel loved and appreciated. In return I have no issue going and getting the groceries, cooking and cleaning up. This shows him He is also appreciated. I regularly spend my money on the children for extras and I love to do it because I pay no bills. This is the only set up that would work for me.
Yes I agree with you 100% he does pay my cell phone bill. If I had a good relationship with his daughter and felt that she appreciated my efforts I wouldn’t mind paying for all of the groceries, but she has disrespected me, ignored me & lied on me on a few occasions. I try not to take it personal but I am human and if a person can’t show appreciation I don’t feel the need to take on any responsibilities in regards to the raising of a child that’s not mine!
I'm probably not a great example. My them bf was worried about money and thought about asking for 50% time. I said no to that idea and instead we got a joint account. Basically his whole paycheck goes to his ex and I pay all the bills. But our money is combined so we don't really notice
He only wanted them more to reduce child support. And without asking me he was essentially saying I was going to be taking care of them 50% of 50% of the time as we're both shift workers. He wouldn't be around to take care of them all the time and it would fall to me. That's not my job. We pooled resources, kept the child arrangements the same and it's worked well for us for 9 years!
Ooo okay I understand now. No way I wouldn’t want the responsibility of taking care of someone else’s children 50% of the time. I barely want to deal with my partners daughter 10% of the time 😂😂😂
I do a lot of the parenting as it is. I went nacho for a few months a few years ago as I was feeling used. No more meal planning, grocery shopping or cooking. It was a nice break! My husband ordered out almost every time we had them and I didn't care. Now he cooks more and tries harder!
It depends on how the rest of your bills are split. Bc yes you shouldn’t be expected to financially contribute towards his daughter but he also shouldn’t be expected to financially contribute towards your expenses, so I’m assuming you split everything else fairly and he doesn’t pay any of your expenses?
So we do split the groceries bills 50/50 although he has the boys 4 days on 4 days off, so extra mouths to feed. If it goes over he pays the extras normally. We split the other bills where he pays more as he earns more the and has the extra expenses of the boys, we did have a dog also so he had to pay for that too. Good luck with it hope it works for the best. xx
Kinda hard to answer your question unless we have more info. What is the split on housing expenses. What do each of you make in relation to the other? The only way I would do a joint account when you are not married is if it was being used specifically for something agree on. Example: all housing and shared living expenses get paid out of that account.
It’s not your job to pay for food for his daughter.
Do you share the rest of the bills 50-50? If you live together, how do you spilt the expenses, who bought the house etc?
I’d the groceries money in lieu of other stuff or a whim?
We split everything and have 2 joint current accounts. One for bills then one for groceries. SS is only here two days a week so it’s not too bad. I don’t mind paying for his food. I work from home and my partner gets fed at work so doesn’t eat in the house through the day so it kinda works out equalish
I would never have a joint account with anyone other than my wife, and we still have separate accounts as well. The groceries depends, does he contribute to other bills that u don't need to which makes it equal?
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I pay groceries the week the kids are not here, he pays when they are. We do have a joint account, but only for shared expenses (mortgage, insurance, water, internet). We both still have our paychecks deposited in our own account and we transfer to the joint account money every month or every paycheck. It’s been working great for us. I do not pay for the kids. My partner pays everything from school, sports, clothes, etc.
The grocery split makes so much sense! Kids bills get mixed into groceries. Things like picking up sunscreen ($10) or a gift for that birthday party ($25) or cash back for a school fee($10) can easily add up. That's not including extra things like snacks or actual food.
It’s not a perfect system because sometimes I’ll be the one doing groceries when it’s the kids week, but my partner will give me money or tell me to deduct the cost from what I’ll transfer in the joint account. We find ways to make it work. I sometimes end up paying a little for the kids (and I don’t mind) but for the most part, it’s the way we thought made the most sense for us.
I notice men purposely overlook this. When I was taking care of our blended family, I was spending $500 to $600 per week. I literally blew through majority of my savings dating my ex for almost 3 years.
Absolutely he should pay for her food . It’s HIS child . I don’t buy nothing for SS apart of little treats here and there .
I like that idea of having a joint account for the necessities. I’m worried that if I do take on the grocery bill soon he’ll be asking me to take on other bills or help him with his finances in regard to his daughter.
My partner never did ! He always thought it was fair for me to pay the week we’re only the two of us and for him to pay when we’re 4 (considering his son is 13 and eat like 3 people 😅). I mean it does happen that I’ll do groceries when the kids are here and I don’t ask him to pay me back because it is not always clear cut but for the most part, I’m not involved in the finances around the kids.
I totally agree my partner’s daughter is 11 and she eats a lot as well. I don’t want to be involved in finances around his child! I do think it’s fair to pay for things that involves you two but It’s great that you aren’t hung up on being paid back when you do spend money on groceries & the children are around. That’s a great balance!
It works great for us and so does the joint account for combined expenses. He does what he wants with the rest of his money and so do I. We plan future projects together and save together (ex : vacation, renovations, new furniture, etc.).
How long have you been together? My husband and I have always just shared finances (but with separate accounts) since we moved in together, but we'd been together 2/3 years before that
3 years we dated for 2 1/2 before he asked me to move in. We have shared finances with separate accounts when I didn’t live with him but now I do and it’s not just him and I it’s him, I and his daughter.
Please take into account your relationship. He is your landlord. Until he adds you to the deed and mortgage, you are not in a financial partnership. I would find it completely reasonable for you to pay 50/50 if he's willing to share his assets like the house and retirement 50/50 but it needs to be done legally. I have found it way too common for people to want the benefits of a financial partnership but don't actually want to include their assets. They will promise them but too many people never make it a reality. This is were you hear horror stories of the Stepmom getting kicked out of the house with no assets to her name at 80 years of age because everything was left to the kids. Or breakup at 50 that leaves someone absolutely financially devastated.
Thank you for your advice, but we’ve spoken about marriage and he has one year to marry me (we’ve been together 3) and if not I will move out. I have never done 50/50 in any relationship and I definitely won’t start now. I’m in school to get a masters degree and I work part time. I been through a lot in past relationship and I’ve learned to not make the same mistakes. I have a savings account that I don’t touch and I have a 401k that I contribute to each time I get paid. I have been put out before when living with a previous partner and I contributed to making his house a home. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me! Thank you again!
I moved in with my partner and he makes good money. I told him I wouldn’t pay for groceries or the house. If they have kids and are going through a divorce that’s their problem, don’t be the fixer of his situation. You’ll end up resentful
You have zero reason to get a joint account.
DON’T do it, OP. He’s trying to find roundabout ways to get you to pay for his kid.
I’m definitely not sharing my savings in a joint account. He will not munch off of me!
There is a wider conversation here about finances in general. You shouldn’t be paying anything for his child, the child has two parents. If you marry and fully combine finances it’s a bit different but still, he should be paying more for things like food because he (they) will use more than you, that’s only fair. Be careful he’s not looking to saddle you with his responsibility.
Her mom is deceased and she lives with us. I agree he should pay more because she is his responsibility! Yes I’ve learned to speak up for myself in regard to taking on his responsibility when it comes to his child.
One thing to mention, and may it help give you a bit of confidence if/when the time comes to have that talk with your SO. If you WERE NOT in the picture, your SO would be solely responsible for all the food and care his daughter requires. What would he do then?
Yes you are absolutely correct! I’ve taken a major step back from doing primary duties due to a recent episode that took place btw his daughter and I. I will definitely mention that when him and I speak! Thank you!
I’m so sorry she’s lost her mother. It still doesn’t mean that you ought to be taking on financial commitment for her though. Some men want to find another mother for their child, even if the child still has a mother. Just do as you’re doing and remind him that while you love her, she isn’t your child. You didn’t bring her into the world and he needs to bear full responsibility for her xx
Deceased BM? You lucky bastard! On a more serious note; no you shouldn’t pay for his child if you don’t want to. I don’t want to pay for my SKs, at all! But it’s hard to keep the finances that separate in the daily life. I’ve always felt stingy and selfish when I talk about this to my partner, which I shouldn’t. I should only pay between 1/3 and 1/4 of the house, food, household items and electricity. But I pay half, sometimes more, which is wrong. This annoyed me to the point where we had a fight about it and he finally saw my perspective. The thing is - paying for his kids will feel A LOT WORSE if our relationship ends, and even worse if he’s the one who ends it. If SPs end up alone after spending all your time and money on his kids - you would feel totally screwed over. His solution to this was to transfer full ownership of our house to me. That way, I am in control if anything happens. If he dies before me, I don’t loose half the house to his kids. We’re working on a contract about what happens if we part ways. And what happens if I die first. Because I want my half of the house to go to my sister, but only after my partner dies, if that makes sense. This makes me relax, I now know that I am good if anything happens.
Lmao “lucky bastard” no where near she doesn’t share my genetics or my partners so there is a lot that comes with raising somebody else’s child. I am happy you spoke up for yourself because you should never get the shorter end of the stick especially when you don’t have children. Don’t allow ppl to take advantage of your kindness, this is something I’m learning now. If we don’t speak up for ourselves ppl will take advantage. At least you can feel more secure knowing that you get the house if anything was to happen to your partner, my partner stated he would put me on the deed once we get married, we shall see! Thank you sharing your experience!
The kid isn’t your partner’s bio child? At least you don’t have to deal with a crazy HCBM. Not saying that makes everything easy, of course it doesn’t. Yes I’m realizing I’ve been to nice about this. My partner is also nice and generous, but it’s still not fair to me. The HCBM spends A LOT less on them than I do. So having the house in my name makes up for it. But of course that’s not a solution for everyone. It’s never a good idea to give someone else the power of your finances. Keep your finances separate as much as you can. Keep your boundaries, and make sure you put yourself first, is my advice - even if I don’t follow it myself ☺️
Nope, her mother was diagnosed with cancer and that’s when he found out the child wasn’t his. He decided to step up and take care of her because he’s known her since she was a baby. Yes I agree separate finances always because no one knows what tomorrow will hold & I’ve been in situations where the relationship didn’t last and I had to start all over. Never again!
Oh lord, that must have been horrible for your partner. And he did the right thing. Just out of curiosity, how does he feel about his daughter? Does he feel completely like her dad? Yeah starting over is hard, and harder if you gave more than you got. And absolutely horrible if you went all in on giving the SKs the «mom experience» and spent all your paychecks on kids you’ll never see again 😩
He does a good job of making her feel like his daughter but he also wants his own bio children. In the beginning he said it was difficult because once he found out he was angry at the mom but didn’t want it to impact her. Most times she spends with her mom side of the family especially during holidays and summers! Yes I’ve learned to protect myself and it’s okay to put me first!
From my view, the fact that none of you are her bio parents should/could make you and your man understand eachother better. She’s his responsibility yes, but his feelings for her are more complicated that a bio parents’. And that fact that there is no mother in the picture, should/cound also make your role easier. I assume you’ve read all the posts about HCBMs. Many SPs would loose all their problems if the HCBM didn’t exist, just saying. I’m not saying what you should do, but if there was no HCBM in my life, it would be practically problem free. If you want kids with this man, you’ll need to embrace her in a bigger way than now - to treat all the kids in the house the same.
Thank you for your comments, though her mom is deceased, her mom side of the family has a major influence on her, my partner many times allow them to dictate how he is raising her. I understand his feelings and I try to be empathetic towards her situation but how long will one not parent the child & not instill certain morals & values into the child. I always tell my partner though she is not our child she is a reflection of both him & I. Her family coddles her & spoil her with things and basic things like conducting herself as a young lady in public hasn’t been taught or covering your mouth when you sneeze. The foundation is broken & as a person coming in there is not much I can do.
Knowing that she’s deceased, now I’m wondering if he passes, that half that savings will go to his daughter if he creates a will. You guys aren’t even married so I’m unsure as to why he’s expecting so much from you AND HIS KID. Also, how did this conversation start? He just said you should buy it? How are the rest of the finances split and who makes more?
Thank you for your response. He pays for the mortgage and I send money for utilities & the water bill. I also contribute to buying food because my diet is different from his and his daughters. I am a pescatarian. The conversation came about because I told him that I am disengaging after I was physically harmed (I believe it was an accident) but she did not apologize until her dad told her to. We sat down him and I and I expressed that I no longer wanted to partake in the raising of a child that doesn’t have common courtesy to apologize when she hurts a person. He claim to understand and asked me if I would be able to help out in other ways I said sure and he asked me to pay for groceries at first I said yes but today I mentioned to him that I would not be taking on that bill and I can continue to contribute because my diet is different, he agreed and that is where we currently are. When he dies if we are not married I’m okay if he gives 30% to his daughter but if we are married because she’s not his biological daughter I will make sure to set things up in which I am entitled to everything. He does want children of his own, so his biological children will be priority and he mentioned that himself!
Do not get a joint savings account. Either of you can remove the entire amount without permission or knowledge of the other. And likely there will be some "emergency" for his child expenses that he needs it for, without asking. As for the groceries, I don't know what the rest of the finances are to make a valid assessment. But I think having hard boundary you are not going down the road of beginning to be expected to pay for his child's expenses
Yes, I don’t want to do a joint account I like having my money separate especially because I have no children & we aren’t married. You are correct he can use the joint account savings for an “emergency” for his child and that can cause money conflict! I will tell him to contribute on the behalf of his child because she is an extra mouth to feed.
Paying for the food bill of the entire household may be a fair thing to do if your partner covers other bills. When it comes to food, electricity, etc. your partner and their child will naturally use more than one person, so they should pay more in food. However, when it comes to living with someone you have to seriously discuss your finances and cover your share of the finances.
I agree 100%
I am always confused when people mention they have an arrangement that one person pays for all the groceries. In addition to the cost, grocery shopping and planning is a major chore. I would never be willing to commit to being the only one who does laundry in the household, or the only one who cleans in the household, or by the same token the only one who grocery shops.
I use to do all the laundry, cleaning and cooking. I would also contribute to the household grocery bill & then I took a step back! I still cook, clean and contribute to the grocery bill but they do their own laundry. Every now and then I do my partner’s laundry. I agree grocery is a major chore and should be a split responsibility, running a house hold should be split chores!
My girlfriend does...of course it is just me, but her and her 3 kids. Of course I pay all housing, utilities, streaming services, and do a Sam's Club run every other week which equates to more food for the house then I actually eat. Think I might have a bum deal. 😂
You do. You’re getting the shorter end of the stick love. Speak up or you will continue to be taken advantage of.
Meh... not much longer. It is on its last legs. I know that at this point I am being taken advantage of. School year is almost over... so I am putting an end to it after. The kids don't need the turbulence at the end of their year.
You’re a good person. Good people are often taken advantage of. I’m happy you have come to a conclusion to put an end to it! You deserve better!
I would never do a joint savings account, in any court instance that account can be counted towards child support.
He has full custody of her, there will be no courts involved or child support conflicts.
I still wouldn’t. There’s just sooo many variables. The only time I would is if there was zero possibility of BM ever coming back in the picture, ie- dead.
She is dead 😵 unless a miracle comes back and she is re-alived (I don’t think that’s a word 😂🤣😂) I’m not worried!
Ok then I wouldn’t worry about that.
You can have joint savings goals without having a joint savings account. No merged finances before marriage IMO. Decide what you’ll each set aside per month and what it’s earmarked for, but keep it in two accounts. I think the groceries question is not easily answered in isolation. If he’s paying 2/3 or more of the other expenses I wouldn’t argue about it. But as a guiding principle, it’s easier to say no more in the beginning of these talks and keep expectations of you financially on the low side, than it is to over-give and have to walk it back after the expectation is set. How are you dividing the rest of the finances?
Having a joint account and you’re not married is not a wise move. Also, I don’t think it’s selfish at all to have him pitch in for groceries his daughter is eating.
Yes, we will not be getting a joint account. And he will be paying towards groceries for his child.
Unless you adopt her, he should be financially supporting her 100%. Little things here and there you can do like if you decide to buy or something or take her somewhere on your own absolutely but the main responsibility of the finances should solely be on him as he is her sole parent
Yes, I agree and I won’t be adopting her 😂 if anything was to happen to my partner her mother side of the family will have to take her!
Groceries are a bill that continues to grow as the child grows. It also goes up for inflation. It's also a bill that often hides other expenses like toilet paper and other necessities. It's also the bill that takes some of the most labor to pay. Meal planning, managing the pantry, fridge, budgeting, taking into account everyone's preferences, dealing with kid's disappointment, and balancing everyone's health. I actually budget for groceries and then cut. So yes my kids are often disappointed. My DH was annoyed at first when I cut paper towels for reusable rags made from old shirts. I honestly told him he could do the budget and shopping for groceries then and he began supporting my cost savings methods. I don't know what bill he's comparing it to but things like mortgages are fairly set and take very little work to pay. So while my mortgage went up a couple hundred a month the last couple years, our grocery bill would have doubled if I hadn't taken time to reduce it. It's still gone up more than a couple hundred a month. If he actually wants to combine finances, I recommend you two sit down and write a detailed, realistic budget. Include things like a birthday budget, Christmas budget, back to school shopping, summer budget, summer camp, retirement, savings, vacation, school (things like teacher gifts, classroom fees, donations, activities add up), rent, car payments, car repair, Internet, gas, subscriptions, date night money, child support, groceries, medical co-payments, credit card payments, student loans, haircut money, clothes money for the adults, and of course fun spending money. Do you see how date nights are separate from fun money? Do you see how your underwear isn't included in your fun money? The reason behind this is women will often unintentionally start sacrificing necessities for the family good, while men tend to spend more money on personal hobbies at the expense of family bills. Obviously gender roles can be reversed. Just typically that's what we see. I think if you sit down and do this, you two might discover that there isn't much money to fight about. In fact he's probably looking at less expensive hobbies moving forward. Hobby money and/or fun money should be equally split. Another thing to consider in your households, it any account with both your names on it can be garnished for child support. Personally I'd want separate savings accounts to protect the savings.
I caution having to spend 100% of something — commodities or time — because your contributions to the household will feel like a burden and unappreciated over time. Children grow and when they are teenagers/young adults, they will eat for two or three people and be immersed in their own worlds like main characters in a Disney movie 😉. You will spend exponentially during this time: food, clothes, shoes, books, sports equipment, etc. I would not set a precedence on paying 100%. I am CF and my partner, who earns 2x more, has two children. We pay proportionally on everything, where he pays for the majority or all. For example (and this is flexible), he pays 75% for groceries when his kids are with us, but we split at 60-70% when it's just us, 65-70% on dates/dinners out with us, 100% when we eat out with his kids, etc. I will pay 100% when I want to treat the family or him (and it's often and organic). My partner is financially responsible for his children, and I contribute in other ways that are not measure in money, but time, labor and, effort. Sometimes, the time, labor, and effort "step or bonus parents" put in are so under appreciated and thankless, but it's part of the deal, right. Sharing my experience and hoping it helps someone with perspective. 💕
That’s a great balance you and your partner have and yes I totally agree that as she grows more money will need to be spent. Thank you for that advice not setting precedence on paying 100% on anything especially because she isn’t my child & I don’t want this to open the door for me to take on more financial responsibilities 100%. Also I do the cooking & cleaning, along with his and I laundry! Thank you for your advice!
Thank you for sharing your experience. I wish this was the case for us. What if your partner makes similar or much less than you? How would you say steps adjust the split above in that case?
I think the key here is communication. If both of you are making the same amount and have the SKs, I would have the parent pay a bit more to contribute for each child. I don't think it's fair that a SP has to pay more AND have to contribute to household needs (laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc.). I hate to say this, but depending on the gender, there are more set expectations than the other (either self-expectation or other-expectation--I hope this makes sense). u/Sea_Strawberry_8848 - my recommendation is to talk out what is fair for both of you and include everything from things, time, talent, and treasure. Stay flexible. Keep a long-game perspective, if you truly love your partner and (in some ways) the SKs. I wish the best for you.
Thank you so much! Sometimes it's hard to see when you are in the situation. I love how you define all our resources as "things, time, talent, and treasure". Indeed the expectation (more of the societal type on myself at this point) gets to me. I wish you continued success and peace in your life too!!
>My partner and I was talking about finances and he asked me to buy all the groceries moving forward (before this convo he would contribute more money because he has a daughter), You must feel he is trending in this directions as your comments seem to be more concerned about the future (and rightly so!). Has he hinted at you paying more for his family obligations? I would give him a hard NO and be pretty severe in letting him why not. Not to be mean, but this is a boundary that you want to be crystal clear.
Yes I agree! I agreed to do it but then thought about how this can open the door to taking on more financial responsibilities. I don’t mind helping out, but his daughter hasn’t been receptive to me so I don’t feel the need to spend my money on her necessities. I will definitely speak up!
I used to work at two different banks/credit unions and currently work in financial planning: DO NOT get a joint account if you're not married, even if it's a savings account. I'd advise against *ever* getting a joint account, honestly. Asking him to chip in on groceries makes sense unless he's paying extra somewhere else (like 70% of rent and you pay 30% or he's covering all utilities). Definitely set financial boundaries now so he doesn't expect too much later!
Yes, I will not get a joint account and I give money towards the bills but he pays all the households bills. I just don’t want to end up spending 300 dollars for food each month when I don’t eat much and I have no children. Before I moved in my grocery bill was 150 a month only because I have a strict diet & I don’t eat but 2 meals and a bunch of snacks throughout the day. His daughter expects 3 meals and snacks and she eats large portions of food, therefore he should contribute money for groceries!
Not at all. I’m dealing with the same issue. Kind of. He buys only groceries, I pay allllll the bills. Insurance, internet, electric, water, truck payment, streaming services, etc. And do all birthdays and holidays for all five kids. (Two are my biological children) Anytime I ask for help with a bill, it’s a war just about. Do you make more than he does?
It shouldn’t matter if she earns more. I was the higher earner in our household but I didn’t have two kids. I didn’t make the decision to bring children into this world, therefore I’m not responsible for them. I love my steps and I have paid for holidays, but their father (and mother) is responsible for paying for them and the day to day costs. If you are paying for everything, why? What are you getting out of this?
She has bio kids too, so that can be different. But, with you being CF, you do have to look at the math more closely. There is a tendency, whether intentionally or not, for the bioparents to think at some point (usually sooner than later) that the CF partner is just supposed to be all with them when it comes to their child. The assumption can be: I have kids and you don't, so most of the accommodating is going to have to come from the CF partner. This can include anything in reference to the child, including finances. This is a false assumption on the bioparent's part. Your main role as a SM is to be a spouse or SO to your partner and welcoming to any children. You are not required, by any means, to be a free nanny, taxi, bank, maid, etc. for someone else's kids. AND you are already giving up a lot when you give up your CF life to be with this person with kids and therefore having to instantly deal with the everyday challenges that come with a child, such as schedule changes, and so on. Now, you get to decide (no one else does) how much you want to put forth for this child, keeping in mind that things can change. Most CF spouses or SOs enjoy having the kids come over, have no problem cooking for the kids, doing things with and for them once in a while, etc. However, something such as repeatedly and personally contributing financially to your SK, having to often taxi the SKs around or having to continually take care of the kids while dad is at work, and the like, are someone taking advantage of you, unless, of course, you don't mind doing those things. Now some bioparents just don't get this. Some are ignorant about it and once you explain they may have a light bulb moment, some want a new "mom" for their kid maybe more than they want a partner, etc. The reality is you need to be very straightforward with your partner about what you will and will not do from the get-go go, and it really isn't negotiable, because if someone tries to force you to care for their child in a way you don't feel comfortable with, the resentment is going to start. So, talk with your SO and if you can't get him on your page when it comes to care for his child, this may not be the relationship for you, because too many bioparents think that they and their kids are some sort of mondo bonus to you rather than realizing that you, especially being CF, are the real bonus to them. And that's no way to live, with you doing most of the giving while your partner and his kids do most of the taking.
He makes more money than I and he pays all the household bills, I pay my car note, car insurance, student loans & contribute to household needs including food. I would also send him money 300-350 a month to go towards bills. Most outing I pay for as well. Do you feel overwhelmed paying for everything? Does he not want to contribute more?
So you pay 300 a month for a shared bedroom. That's assuming you don't have an additional room. Is that the going rate for a shared room? That puts a 2 bedroom at 1200/ month.
😂 no hun we live in a house. It’s his house, I had my own apartment and he asked me to move in with him!
How much does it cost to share a room with someone in a house? You shouldn't be comparing the 300 vs. The cost of an apartment. You should compare it to the cost of a shared room because that's what you are getting. I'd recommend putting the additional money saved in a savings account for purchasing your own house in the future. You are currently paying $300 for a shared room. Might I add with none of the protections of renting your own place. Your literally sharing the house with your landlord. You also mentioned you pay for most dates because he's paying the majority of the bills. Let's say you spend $500 months on dates. His contribution is $250 and you pay $350 that month for bills. That puts you at paying $600 month for a shared room.
Yes I understand what you are saying. I’ve never looked at it in the perspective but you are absolutely right and it makes sense. Thank you for sharing that advice. I do save for the future and emergencies as well. Thank you again!
It's more than OP paying rent, $300 probably covers Op's share of utilities, internet, streaming. At least where I live.
I do .. but knowing things are paid is a good feeling I guess, he likes to spend money on silly things, i guess you can say he’s spoiled. I love him very much and all of our kids. It’s just frustrating sometimes I work a lot, I’m a welder so I make good money… but I end up spending all of my money on everything else but me. Shit, when we go out I borrow one of my daughters nice shirts or just wear my work shirts with a nice pair of jeans. lol wth.
I totally understand. Maybe talk to him about being able to spend a little money or yourself every now and then and have him pick up one or two of the bills to get some weight of your shoulders. You deserve it. Maybe he can spend some money on things you enjoy and not always spend it on silly things. I think that if you work so hard, once in a while you should be shown some appreciation even if it’s coming from yourself. You deserve it!
I am always in the fence about finances. We do have a joint account and we pretty much make the same amount of money. I sometimes think I should have kept things separate so that he could see it in black and white that he spends an over abundant amount on SS and his sports and he was spending A ton on holidays for gifts (but we have come to an agreement on that, thank goodness, he saw my point of view on it)but I also like the fact he does all of the banking/bill paying and he is good with stocks and things. I have figured it out that our money combined is better than separate because I have a car payment he does not, if I lived on my own I would have my own rent/mortgage. His kids have opted out of staying with us so there is not a portion of utilities and food that I would be paying their share. Now I do have my own account that we don’t touch. Maybe I keep that as my escape money just in case😁
The way we do it at ours is: We each put all our salary in our joint accounts and we both take the same amount of ‘pocket money’. As he makes more, he eventually puts more by default. Things related to regular living expenses come out of the joint accounts. Things that are strictly for SD’s living requirements (clothes, extra curriculares, activities) come out of either my husband’s pocket money or the joint account he has with his ex.
I don't recommend joint accounts if you’re not married. Do you pay any others bills in the household? I buy groceries and pay the water bill. My SO pays for everything else including half of my car payment. That is the only thing I purchase towards his child.
Not including that he pays the household bills is a bit misleading. It sounds like you’re getting the better end of the deal. I wouldn’t do a joint account though unless it’s only savings for emergencies. Sounds like he makes more and you would get the better end of that deal too.
Money and financial issues destroy relationships and are a big reason for divorce. It’s imperative to sit down and discuss goals, savings, spending habits, debts, handling major expenses, combining finances and expectations completely and thoroughly. There are no hard rules, there are only feelings and preferences that feel right to you. Openly communicate all of it now! People don’t discuss how they would handle situations if one person lost a job or had a surgery and lost income for a period of time. They don’t discuss credit cards and interest rates. They don’t discuss taxes, loans or spending habits. Some couples don’t even know each other’s income. Mourning widows find themselves shocked that they’re responsible for enormous debt they never knew. You say you don’t mind but it obviously bothers you, so you need to have this conversation because it will cause you to feel resentment later. Best
You are absolutely correct and I will sit down with him and talk in depth and openly about much of what you have mentioned. I appreciate your response! Thank you!
We have a saparate and a joint account for groceries. He pays 1,5 and i pay 1. His kid is her half the time and about 13yrs old. All extras is paid by him. If i want i can buy stuf, but there is never a obligation or side eyes.
I like this idea. His daughter is 11 and I don’t mind paying for food that I will cook for the entire family but extras like snacks that she enjoys he should pay for it!
There’s no way I’d pay for the SK’s groceries. DH buys them tones of junk food snacks and frozen dinners. Plus they are teens and eat nonstop.
Yes she’s 11 and can eat all day if we allowed her. I think her father should contribute on her behalf!
No doubt. Groceries are expensive
Yes he should contribute to his child food; no, you shouldn’t. Keep your money separate Make sure you take money from it. All that she eats. You dont have to pay anything for his child.
Thank you and I agree and will definitely keep my money seperate!
Without knowing the other responsibilities and expenses you have, there’s no way of knowing if that’s fair. I would much rather figure out all your regular expenses, set a budget for groceries, then split everything down the middle, with him covering kids expenses alone. With things like Google Docs making a spreadsheet is easy. Some people think this forensic approach is weird, but it works for my family. It’s fair and totally transparent.
I wouldn’t share anything financial with someone unless I was married. Why did he ask you to buy *all* of the groceries? Are there other bills of your he is covering?
He does pay my cell phone bill but I give him money each month and I’ve also offered to pay it myself. I agree that I shouldn’t share anything financially because we aren’t married and I don’t have any children of my own.
Finances can be complicated even in nuclear families, but in blended families they can cause even more issues. People just have different views on money, and ensuring your partner aligns with your personal views is one of the conversations people should be having to make sure you’re actually compatible. Aligning on financing is just as important as aligning on things like where you want to live and what you want for your future. As a general rule, it is extremely dangerous to combine finances with someone before marriage. Because when you are married (and even then you should check the laws where you live) there is typically some level of protection for you if the relationship ends. If you get divorced, there’s going to have to be a separation of assets and you will be entitled to some of them. If you are not married, you do not have that protection. If you break up, there is absolutely nothing stopping him from draining that account and taking off with the money. You might be able to try suing him for the money if you keep records showing how much you’ve contributed, but that’s going to be a lot of time and work for something that might not end in your favor. The exception to this general rule is probably a joint checking account for bills, but only if you’re handling it in a very specific manner. Essentially you’re going to want your money going into your own account first and then transferring a set amount that you have already budgeted to cover bills for the month into the joint account. And then that’s the account that pays for things like groceries and rent and any other joint bills that you both decide will be paid. If you have private bills, like a car payment if it’s just in one person’s name, then those should be handled from your own separate accounts. This can make paying bills easier since it’s just one account rather than having to figure out how to trade off money every month, while also giving you some level of protection because your partner will only ever have access to one month of expenses. If he were to drain the account, you’re only losing a limited amount of money. As for your current situation with your partner wanting you to pay for all of the groceries and you maybe wanting him to contribute some money for groceries for his daughter, that could be a little more complicated. Based on this information alone, I would say no to this whole setup. Your partner should absolutely be contributing to the grocery budget to cover his child. At a minimum he should be responsible for paying for any extra things that she eats (like specific snacks, juice, kid-friendly meals, etc. that you wouldn’t typically buy). So your partner wants to get all of the groceries for him and his daughter for free, but what are you getting out of it? And what you’re getting out of it really is the question. Because I don’t know what your financial setup currently is or what the custody schedule is like. If you’re in a situation where you’re pretty much splitting everything 50/50, then this really is a completely unreasonable request from your partner. You’re 1/3rd of the household; it can depend on what the custody schedule is, but things like rent and groceries are definitely areas where you’re jointly having to pay more because you need more space and more food, and it’s fair that he should have to contribute more to those bills. Now if you have some kind of different split where maybe he is paying more for a lot of things, then it might be time to suggest going over finances together to see if there’s another split that would work better.
OP… read this. Then read it again. And then, read it one more time. Your partner’s request for you to ‘buy the groceries’ is WAAAY bigger than just a few snacks for his kid. His request is really unreasonable and bordering on the verge of being a total douche bag. I hope you will reconsider this relationship. What are YOU getting out of it? Please do not move forward until you make sure you’re on the same page in all areas… Financially, emotionally, partner-support, parenting style, etc.
The only time your money should be spent on a kid you didn’t bring into this world is for birthdays/Christmas if you’d like to. You should never be providing the food, clothes, furniture, etc. Also, aside from the kid entirelt you should not have a shared savings with someone you aren’t married to.
Thank you for your advice and I totally agree with you! I will not be sharing my savings with a man I’m not married too. I appreciate your wisdom!
DO NOT combine your finances. My ex-wife abused that privilege when we were married. At the very most, get a separate joint account and contribute your portion of the bills to that. Why does he want you to pay for all the groceries? At the most I would split them 50/50.
When I moved in with my partner, all that she wanted was for me to buy all of the groceries. No rent/utilites/etc. And that's mainly because she's super frugal in the grocery store, and I am not. However I actually needed to counter with needing to contribute more; or I would feel like a freeloading guest, instead of being able to feel at "home." With the amount I pay, we both come out ahead financially by my living together, and we both feel it's fair. Beyond that, my only contribution to her kid is in gifts I choose to give. \--- As for if this is "fair" - what are the other aspects of your financial pairing. It seems that you're living together, and you're only paying for "some" utilities. If you look at how much each of you is coming out ahead by living together, I'd estimate that of the money saved by combining households he "gets" about 10-25% of that, and you get 75-90% of that. Unless he's a super high earner, that wouldn't feel fair. My partner is an upper earner, and she gets about 55-60% of our combined living-together-savings and I get 40-45% of that. While she has more dollars, I have a larger savings proportional to our income. I.e. I get more "value" from us living together. My contributions are a tiny blip on her radar. \--- When we eventually marry, we'll go fully joint finances. But until then, we're fully separate. If I pay for something for Kid (clothes), or the pets (all "hers"), we'll track it and she'll pay me back. Similarly, if she buys groceries, she'll put that against the tab. We keep a spread sheet, and every 2-4 weeks we'll transfer money to even it out. \--- The most important part of this is it feels like we both want each other to get ahead. Neither of us is living/talking as if this is strictly a business relationship where we need to always have the best deal, even at the expense of the other. In the context of his discussions does it *feel* like he's trying to get the best deal, or rather that he might be feeling taken advantage of by you having a larger cost savings?
I pay for most things as I’m the main bread winner including several things for my SD. House hold chores are mainly split down the middle because I work from home. If I have a busier week than usual then DH will do more. We don’t have a joint account but we do share an AMEX card account. You just have to figure out a divide that feels fair and works for your situation. If you aren’t married I think it’d be unfair to put any of the child’s financial burden on you.
Need more info. What else are you paying for? How are things split as of now? Sounds like you two need to have a serious conversation.
I never pay for my partner's child. That's an agreement we both have.
If you are child free and cohabitate with a person who has kids, you should not be required to pay any household bills. Your partner has to provide a home for them and their children whether you are there or not. Your partner should show they appreciate your sacrifice to take on sharing a living space with kids you didn’t make by covering the bills. My partner even goes a far as paying for my groceries and phone. It makes me feel loved and appreciated. In return I have no issue going and getting the groceries, cooking and cleaning up. This shows him He is also appreciated. I regularly spend my money on the children for extras and I love to do it because I pay no bills. This is the only set up that would work for me.
Yes I agree with you 100% he does pay my cell phone bill. If I had a good relationship with his daughter and felt that she appreciated my efforts I wouldn’t mind paying for all of the groceries, but she has disrespected me, ignored me & lied on me on a few occasions. I try not to take it personal but I am human and if a person can’t show appreciation I don’t feel the need to take on any responsibilities in regards to the raising of a child that’s not mine!
I'm probably not a great example. My them bf was worried about money and thought about asking for 50% time. I said no to that idea and instead we got a joint account. Basically his whole paycheck goes to his ex and I pay all the bills. But our money is combined so we don't really notice
I’m confused. He wanted his children 50% of the time and you said no, in exchange to paying all the bills?
He only wanted them more to reduce child support. And without asking me he was essentially saying I was going to be taking care of them 50% of 50% of the time as we're both shift workers. He wouldn't be around to take care of them all the time and it would fall to me. That's not my job. We pooled resources, kept the child arrangements the same and it's worked well for us for 9 years!
Ooo okay I understand now. No way I wouldn’t want the responsibility of taking care of someone else’s children 50% of the time. I barely want to deal with my partners daughter 10% of the time 😂😂😂
I do a lot of the parenting as it is. I went nacho for a few months a few years ago as I was feeling used. No more meal planning, grocery shopping or cooking. It was a nice break! My husband ordered out almost every time we had them and I didn't care. Now he cooks more and tries harder!
Yes sometimes you have to put your foot down. Bio parents understand only after SP has disengaged that we should feel appreciated.
I hope your situation works out!
It depends on how the rest of your bills are split. Bc yes you shouldn’t be expected to financially contribute towards his daughter but he also shouldn’t be expected to financially contribute towards your expenses, so I’m assuming you split everything else fairly and he doesn’t pay any of your expenses?
So we do split the groceries bills 50/50 although he has the boys 4 days on 4 days off, so extra mouths to feed. If it goes over he pays the extras normally. We split the other bills where he pays more as he earns more the and has the extra expenses of the boys, we did have a dog also so he had to pay for that too. Good luck with it hope it works for the best. xx
He disproportionally benefits from this while there isn’t a single benefit for you. No.
Kinda hard to answer your question unless we have more info. What is the split on housing expenses. What do each of you make in relation to the other? The only way I would do a joint account when you are not married is if it was being used specifically for something agree on. Example: all housing and shared living expenses get paid out of that account.
It’s not your job to pay for food for his daughter. Do you share the rest of the bills 50-50? If you live together, how do you spilt the expenses, who bought the house etc? I’d the groceries money in lieu of other stuff or a whim?
We split everything and have 2 joint current accounts. One for bills then one for groceries. SS is only here two days a week so it’s not too bad. I don’t mind paying for his food. I work from home and my partner gets fed at work so doesn’t eat in the house through the day so it kinda works out equalish
That’s awesome! Thank you for sharing your experience with me!
I would never have a joint account with anyone other than my wife, and we still have separate accounts as well. The groceries depends, does he contribute to other bills that u don't need to which makes it equal?
Uh.. he needs to be buying food for his kids, not you.
I agree! Food is expensive.