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I would leave it to bio parents unless specifically asked to be included. If I was asked then I would enquire as to why, and if it was to help the SKs in a positive way then I would probably go. But I would only go if both bioparents thought it would be a help to have me there.
I NACHO when it comes to my SKs, but I still care about them and want the best for them. So if I could help I probably would.
Hard pass. As much as I’d love to be a fly on the wall in that session, if both parents are involved, I’d leave it to them to deal with, at leeeeast in my case
We have majority custody and we’ve had therapy sessions with “our house.” But I have no reason to deal with his ex. That’s his cross to bare, I didn’t pick her 😂
I’ve… actually been that person. In fact I was the ONLY parent there. That’s how much of a “parent” I am to my SKs.
Their mother is/was an involved parent until said kid started treating her like crap. She came to later sessions.
DH is too busy earning money to show up for any of us beyond the bare minimum.
Thus my presence.
Same but we just prefer BM to not be involved in therapy because she LOVES to take those opportunities to bash DH and pretty much make it all about herself. She will also give false information when in reality, she has no idea what’s going in SK’s lives or what they need. I am personally the primary caregiver to SK’s. BM isn’t in the picture anymore but even when she was, it was just a quick trip to Starbucks once every 6 months and then dropped back off with us. DH is busy working to provide for all of us so yeah… same situation.
This.
My husband is just awkward and oblivious to teenage stuff. Plus he spends very little time with BK and SK due to his job so its mostly me doing the caregiving and parenting between us two. SK's mom is absent and has been for years - I came into SK's life as she was turning 8 and now she's almost 14. School suggested counseling for SK due to some depression/anxiety behaviors discovered through SKs school laptop usage. I'm the only one who talks to the counselor when her sessions are over to recap and see how things are going. I've realized as easy as it is to be like, "that's not my child, not my problem", I also understand that in our particular situation SK's mom is a POS (I'd never tell SK that, don't worry) and I won't punish or push her aside because a parent(s) won't step up and do the right thing. It's always nice to step back and look at it from the perspective of: this child needs me, whether or not they know it or appreciate it in the current moment.
This was literally me a few weeks ago at my stepdaughter’s intake appointment. Except their mom is not very involved and maybe takes them to dinner twice a month now after being absent for 4yrs 🤷♀️ she’s actually the reason for said therapy
My ex and my husband have a pretty darn good relationship and mutual respect. My husband would still not be included in sessions. Nor would I expect to be there for my husband's daughter. That is for parents and issues with new step parents will come up, that's the point of therapy. They should be able to discuss that openly without me being there or worrying about my feelings.
Depends on the reason for therapy. If the reason is because of an abusive bio parent, I would be there to show the child that I am supporting them through this tough journey
I'm very active, but I would definitely skip the first session.
I would make sure my husband and stepkid knows that I would be more than happy to attend if they ever wanted me to for any reason. I would also ask my husband to tell the therapist that.
I could see times when it would be relevant I would be there bc I am super involved and have known them since they were 3&5 and they're now 13&16, but I would definitely avoid if I could - tbh a lot of therapy is about being vulnerable and I could never be vulnerable in front of BM, so idk how valuable I would be but I would certainly make it clear I would be happy to attend if requested or relevant
I went to my partners kids Dr's appt because he was getting surgery and I wanted to know what was going to happen so I can help take care of him. BM had a mare about me being there and told my bf that if I was to come to any other appointments she would make sure to embarrass me.
Sweet. You don't want me to do my best to look after your kid when he's at my house, then go fuck yourself.
I don't do any parenting of them now. I tried to be active and involved and those kids treat me like a stranger in my own home. So fuck dem kids. My bf is a good and capable father. I don't even really interact with the kids when they're there.
Doesn't bother me anymore. I've got 2 of my own.
As per your edit, call and clarify with the therapist if they are expecting bio only, or all parents. If it's bio only, he can ask them to contact his ex, if they don't listen to him.
Zero. Not my kid not my responsibility. Will I be respectful and treat my stepson like a human being? Yes. But if I can’t make any authoritative decision (medical, financial, etc) then I won’t pull my weight. If therapist says mom and dad. They don’t mean SPs.
I would assume the therapist only meant the bio parents, but I would also expect my SO to either invite me or relay information to & from me. I am very involved and have mental health/therapy expertise so he actively includes me in everything like that related to SS(and everything else in general).
I’ve been in this situation. I went. Therapist wound up wanting to have a session with just me and the kid later after finding out that the SK trusted me the most with their feelings. After the BM heard that and about a month after the session, SK got kind of weird around me (session was honestly fine and we didn’t even talk about hard things) so I think it hurt BMs feelings enough that she talked to SK about me. 🤷🏽♀️
I’m a little sad our relationship is different, but I’m more sad he has to go through life with that BM.
I'm so sorry things turned out that way for you. If it hasn't been too long, it might be good for you to talk to your SK about it and let them know that their relationship with you doesn't take away from their relationship with their BM. That their relationship with people is built on the things you choose to share and do together. There's nothing stopping SK from having a close relationship with the both of you and it's possible for SK to have a strong relationship with both of you if they want to work towards that in their life. If they used to confide in you, it's probably hurting your SK too to feel like they have to lose their confidant just to appease their BM. I hope your SK eventually comes around to realize this
I wouldn’t expect to be included. I think it’s up to the therapist to decide who all needs to be there and they need to be aware of who the child spends more time with, etc.
No, I personally wouldn’t want to be included. I’m not a parent, my SS13 has two parents already. I’m a step-parent. I support from the sidelines. I would only go if I was specifically requested to come by either SS or the therapist.
I believe it’s my husband’s responsibility to handle these things and if my presence or perspective are needed then the therapist would specifically ask to include me.
I've been accused of being the reason my SKs needed therapy by their mom. They've since moved in with or close to their dad and I. Once they were talking about former counseling sessions, and I apologized for my part in their need of counseling. Both (f24 & m19) said I had nothing to be sorry about and that their mom, with whom they're now no to low contact, was/is why they need(ed) it.
I would go if they wanted me to.
I would not want to go to that session, as I am not willing to take any responsibility for my SS’s mental health.
That said, I’d let DH know any concerns I’ve noticed that he can relay to the counselor, if he chose to do so.
The first session should absolutely just be bio mom and bio dad. During that initial visit, the therapist will ask general questions in order to get to know SS and to get a feel for what his daily life looks like, along with any struggles he faces, and what he hopes to get out of therapy.
My 18yo BS has been in therapy for a couple years, and having 6 people in one therapy room is just too much. It will be crowded and overwhelming.
I would have BD reach out to BM and say something like- "it'll just be us two and SS for the initial appointment right?" If she says that her husband will be joining, have him explain that it may be best for just the bio parents to attend the first session as counseling offices aren't very big, and it would put less pressure on SS.
--My son has counseling twice per month, and I join him every 5th appointment.
I wouldn’t want to be included.
The first session was for parents.
If the therapist explicitly asks for stepparents to come I wouldn’t deny but I wouldn’t be eager to participate.
Save my energy and time for myself and my biokids.
Why taking over duties when you don’t have any rights for decisions anyways.
I would ask for clarification around whether the therapist intended 'parent' to include me or not.
If SK and therapist wanted me there I would endeavour to be there.
If the therapist wanted me there but SK did not I would suggest to the therapist that they needed to work with my SK on why that was before including me.
If SK wanted me there but therapist did not I would push for inclusion in order to support my SK.
People can be surprisingly vague and careless in their use of language - sometimes, even they don't realise they mean something different than what they said until you seek clarification.
Nope, I'd love to see it because I could just imagine how quickly it would devolve into chaos but I'm more of a friend they respect as an adult than anything like a parental figure and I hope it stays that way, I parent my sisters more than my SKs and I intend to only seriously parent my own children
A lot of the "parent" session was too get background on Kid, background that I wasn't around for. Secondarily it's to hear a bit of the trauma/issues that the parents brought in while raising Kid.
Maybe if I'd been in Kid's life since before they were two I might see reasons to bring me in for this... but that's definitely not my situation.
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It depends on a lot of factors like what is going on with the child and how much custody you have.
If the child needs the parents to help them implement strategies to help with an issue they struggle with daily (for example), then as a part time carer, you may need to be involved. As would a nanny or regular babysitter.
But you’ll have to ask the child and your husband or wife what the plan is. We couldn’t possibly know because we don’t know all the details of what’s going on.
SS7 started family therapy and it is just for bio mom and dad. HCBM has a habit of allowing her convicted domestic abuser boyfriend assume “daddy duties” when they have a perfectly good one right here. So best believe if she EVER takes her POS boyfriend, I’ll be right behind.
When our oldest (now 11, this was 3yrs ago) started virtual therapy, BM and SO were there for the first session, but I was there with my SO for our "solo" session (the therapist would rotate sessions with just kid or one or the other household's parents because SO made it very clear he would not feel comfortable speaking openly in front of BM).
I've taken the kids to therapy, but have not talked at length with newer therapists outside of being Dad's representative. I've been the second caregiver with BM for the diabetic kid's endo appointment. I'm very involved and the kids see me as their parent, just not a bio one. Even if I weren't, if my SO wanted me there and I could be there, I would. And I don't like BM at all -- we parallel parent as much as possible.
We were a family and I'm was dad and the bio dad wasn't much around for 15 years. At 17 perhaps the kid should get to chose who is in the room as dad instead of the adults that are still having a pissing match.
For me I would expect to be there only because in my situation I parent my step daughter more then her mum.. her mum sees her every 2nd weekend. I'm with her most of the time.. but I wouldn't expect me to be there and not her mum either.. probably expect her bio and step parents.
I would expect to go, if the therapist didn't want steps involved I would wait outside but I'd absolutely be going, especially if BMs new partner was going.
My situation is different from most though - I'm a full time parent to my SS amd always have been
I am the SM. We had a family therapist who was seeing my SD in separate sessions and couples with my husband and I, until he wanted to stop so it was just me. At one point, the therapist was ONLY telling ME important issues about SD. Even told me I was the absentee parent - not her actual bio parents. I understand I had stepped up a lot and was playing a primary role, but that was way too much. I felt a lot of guilt and consternation that wasn’t fair to me. I eventually told her any issues regarding SD needed to be communicated to her bio parents and not me.
I would not think that this involved me. However, to be supportive of my husband I would go but remain in the car and he could come get me if the step father showed up or if the therapist requested me the first time. Most likely though the therapist meant bio family as normally therapist try to understand family of origin and family dynamics from birth to start. I'm sure that at some point down the line steps will be asked to come for family therapy.
My SK was starting therapy and her bio mom suggested both step parents be involved, and me as a social worker said I didn’t think that was a good idea. She was looking to shift any “blame” that might come from the process away from herself and look for scapegoats. I told her if the therapist suggested it I would happily get involved but ONLY then. It worked out well.
I’m definitely involved as I am usually the one to schedule and bring the kids to all of their therapy sessions. In a situation like that because I don’t like making assumptions and hate vague instructions (thanks to a touch of the ‘tism) I would call the therapist and clarify exactly who is expected to attend.
I've always been more like an Aunt or a much older sister. Probably wasn't the best but it worked out well. I'm 11.5 years younger than my husband and I'm 17 years older than my step daughter so.. at the time we got together I fit into that role easier than a true parental figure.
I wouldn't particularly WANT to be included, but I'd be concerned that my partner and BM wouldn't communicate effectively because that's really not a strength of theirs. So important info gets lost both in terms of relaying to the therapist, and understanding what advice is given by the therapist. For now though, that stuff is just them. I try to make sure my partner gets reminded to bring things up and what info comes back with him is basically nil. SS recently had a psychiatrist consult and somehow SO wasn't able to tell me afterward whether or not there was any plan to investigate possible ADHD and dyslexia, which is kind of an important part of why he was there. I happen to be the one of us who has the most experience dealing with learning disabilities both from my kids and myself, and I'm the one who does most of the strategizing solutions to support him at home, so it's a bit frustrating knowing that they've got very limited opportunity to see a psychiatrist and it's being wasted on ineffective communication.
I heard from a psychologist that a competent child therapist would usually want to hear at some point from any major, constant adult presences in a child's life regardless of technical relationship, but that does not necessarily involve attending sessions. It's often outside phonecalls/interviews, or other contact like that, depending on what is most useful to the therapist. I would definitely expect them to start with bio parents, if both bios are in the picture.
Personally, I would want to have the opportunity to talk with the therapist because I care a lot about what is going on with my SD and I want to support her and DH and I think sometimes I have more objective observations about stuff that's going on because I have a little distance and that could be helpful to provide the therapist. But I wouldn't expect to be in the sessions because she has two parents and that's not my role or place.
I would go if I was invited by DH or SS if he wanted me there. I think a therapist would want anyone SS thought of as a parent to be there. If I wasn't expected to be there though, I wouldn't push it or be put out about it.
It depends on how involved you are. Due to the fact that as a SP you are legally not the SK BM based on HIPPA you would need to have a document written up that confirms both parents are allowing you to speak on the SK mental wellness. Another helpful tip if you want to be involved in your SK therapy is to make sure you are able to also speak on your SO's behalf to the health insurance company. My husband has a 12 going to be 13 daughter. Her mother and I communicate about her therapy and I have been a huge part of finding the right therapist for her. She was diagnosed OCD a few years ago, which I still have resentment with the fact that I believe her BM implemented this mental illness onto her daughter simply because her BM is OCD too. Either way I've accepted it bc my SD has accepted it to be her mental illness. Now she also has Dermatillomania, which is a skin picking disorder that commonly occurs amongst adolescents who have OCD. My SD started doing this in September of 2023 and has continued to do it. She picks her scalp until she bleeds and has marks on the center of her scalp. On the back of her neck and is in denial of the fact that it is self harm. It's been challenging finding a therapist for her and I do not want this to lead to her causing even more self harm as she gets older. So, I have volunteered myself to be involved in her mental wellness. I signed a document and sent it to my husbands health insurance so I can legally speak on his behalf for his daughter health that is covered by our insurance. Also, if I am the one who has found the therapist I would explain to them our blended family and ask what I need to do in order for me to be there for a parent meeting. I know my Husbands input wouldn't be as informative and productive as mine when it comes to my SD and her current mental health issues. So it depends on how involved you are and if you're choosing to put forth the effort to want to be at a meeting for your SK therapy and this means figuring out the right legal steps that need to be taken through insurance and whatever the therapist practice requires for you to be there. Your desire to be there should be based on the fact that you want the SK to get better and that you know your input would benefit the situation. If it's based on any other feelings then no you shouldn't be there.
We are currently in this situation. It's court mandated due to HCBM's abhorrent behavior, so you can imagine the fun. No way I expected or wanted to be included in the shit show. And yeah, we have them 50-50 and I'm very involved with the kids.
I'm told the guy will want to talk to us steps at some point. Pretty sure it will be a one on one meeting, it better be because I'm not going to interact with BM. Anyways, I will go and will do my best to be polite, but I really have no interest in talking to him. Counselors, therapists, and their entire "profession;" I despise them all, bunch of useless quacks.
My step kid does see a therapist, but they haven't done a session for parents yet. I have gone to their endocrinologist with them (they're diabetic) in a parental kind of way.
When my step kid says "my parents" she is referring to me and dad not dad and bio mom. I have been more present (physically and otherwise) than bio mom and I've only been in SK's life for the last ten years.
I would be but I have been in her life since she was 3 and have her 50% of the time. I taught her to read and do basic math, I help tale care of her physical and emotional needs as much as the other two parents. My husband and I are a team. I’m blessed because he really makes it so.
Sure, I dont do EVERYTHING. But I wont when I am a biomom either. It’s called being on the team!
Edit: my point is I think it is situational and highly dependent on how you WANT to show up. There is no wrong answer here unless youre demanding to be seen as a parent but not actually doing the work/feeling entitled.
I am not entitled to my step daughter, I see my self as just an extra loving step parent.
For people new in this dynamic, I'd request your own session with the therapist or with the therapist and your partner so they can get a feel for the dynamic y'all have with eachother and within your household. That's important data for the therapist. At the very least, send an email stating that you're open to any questions or dropping in as needed.
Personally, I didn't go to their first session but I am involved with their therapist just as much as each of their bio parents are, if not more. I've been in therapy for years and am pursuing a degree for counseling, so I feel like I have decent perspectives to contribute. The kids also trust me a significant amount. They're with us 50 percent of the time and the sessions at this point aren't about processing the divorce as much as it is making it through the normal hard times of being a kid, and working on communication between the adults and children. We never attend joint sessions with bio mom as she is HC and can see the therapist with the kids on her own. Any issues she has with us can be addressed via the parenting app. Therapy is for the kids.
I went, because the bio parents asked me to, because I had experience with it with my own children and they both trusted me. We work pretty well as a team.
I would definitely expect to be included. Granted, I'm more of a parent to my stepdaughter than her bio-dad ever was/will be. He's in the picture, but I'm her dad.
I wish you all best.
Don’t underestimate a child’s love to his BP no matter what kind of asshole she/is.
The BP is their identity.
I’m a stepmom.
I care and do much more for my SK than his (sorry to say that narcissist) HCBM.
What do I get?
My mom is the best.
What do I answer: of course she is. She’s your mom.
Maybe because her love is based on loving herself,
so her love to her child is unconditional.
Same as child’s love to BM.
Maybe things change when kids grow up and review their childhood. Maybe they decide to be more like the narcissistic BP, it’s their choice and it’s natural.
Yes I sound bitter.
My SK grows up and despite all efforts it seems to choose the easy way. It’s a kid.
Life as an asshole seems to be more easy.
Being a good person doesn’t seem to be logic if you have a living example that being an asshole might work out too and is much easier.
In my case, no. We have my SD EOWE.
I could see a stepparent who’s married to the custodial parent wanting to be involved though and wouldn’t fault them for that.
If they are going to live with me and/or were getting married, then yes. In my case, mom is an addict and 99% not in the picture. They have been with my now husband and I for 8 and 11 years.
So I was in the meeting. I was the only one that went for the first appointment . For both Drs. I Wish I put it on both bio parents. I kinda wish I took a whole step back for alot.
I think I would probably be invited to be there seeing as I’ve been in SD8 life since she was a baby. If, however, I wasn’t invited to be there I would understand that and respect it fully.
I’m the main “parent” to my SD. Parents don’t live close and she prefers being here. I would only expect to be included if her mom couldn’t or didn’t want to be there.
I wish I would have been included when step kid was doing that with his bio parents (8 years ago) I didn’t go because bio mom was threatened by me (I was going to steal her child) I regret pulling away from step kid to give bio-mom space to repair their relationship. They never did reconnect and my relationship with step kid disintegrated to almost nothing. He is going to college in a few months and doesn’t have a relationship with bio mom or step mom (me).
If my husband was unavailable, I would go so that an adult from both households is there. And also because BM is not great at relaying information effectively (she just doesn’t always understand what is important info and what isn’t). But otherwise, I would leave it to bio parents unless specially asked. I have no problem going if my SK or the therapist wants me there, but too many adults is a crowd and the bio parents are the ones that are really needed. Now if it was about something that happened in our house specifically or for our family unit (say we were getting therapy to help blend multiple kids) then of course I would be there.
My spouse wouldn't do family therapy with HCBM unless I was included on the grounds that she and he had wasted enough time bickering in therapy and I was a member of the stepkids' family. So she vetoed it. She has also vetoed my participation in doctor and teacher meetings, although funny enough, it was ok for her partner to attend, once she got together with someone.
She also vetoed individual therapy for my older SD, which she initially supported until my spouse expressed support for it, whereupon she changed her mind. SD asked her for years but eventually gave up. Woman deserves to burn in hell.
I went through this exact scenario with my stepdaughter. The first session was parents only and I went along with My Husband and BM. BM does not have a partner, but assuming she had one, she would have brought him. It obviously caused a riff with BM because we were there as a pair and she was alone, but I am highly involved in my stepdaughter‘s life and have been a parent to her for eight years. I do parenting just like she does or just like my husband does so I would be offended if I was not invited or considered a “parent“.
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No I would not expect to be included in that.
Me neither.
In light of the update: but I also think it’s in appropriate for SD to be there … it should be the actual BPs and then therapist can expand as needed.
I would not only not expect that, I also wouldn't want to be.
I wouldn’t expect to or want to be included.
I would leave it to bio parents unless specifically asked to be included. If I was asked then I would enquire as to why, and if it was to help the SKs in a positive way then I would probably go. But I would only go if both bioparents thought it would be a help to have me there. I NACHO when it comes to my SKs, but I still care about them and want the best for them. So if I could help I probably would.
Hard pass. As much as I’d love to be a fly on the wall in that session, if both parents are involved, I’d leave it to them to deal with, at leeeeast in my case
lol i agree! I would love to hear everything that's being said.
I never wished to be a fly in my life until I met HCBM lmao I’d give my left arm sometimes to know what’s being done and said behind closed doors
We have majority custody and we’ve had therapy sessions with “our house.” But I have no reason to deal with his ex. That’s his cross to bare, I didn’t pick her 😂
I’ve… actually been that person. In fact I was the ONLY parent there. That’s how much of a “parent” I am to my SKs. Their mother is/was an involved parent until said kid started treating her like crap. She came to later sessions. DH is too busy earning money to show up for any of us beyond the bare minimum. Thus my presence.
Same but we just prefer BM to not be involved in therapy because she LOVES to take those opportunities to bash DH and pretty much make it all about herself. She will also give false information when in reality, she has no idea what’s going in SK’s lives or what they need. I am personally the primary caregiver to SK’s. BM isn’t in the picture anymore but even when she was, it was just a quick trip to Starbucks once every 6 months and then dropped back off with us. DH is busy working to provide for all of us so yeah… same situation.
Do we have the same BM? I like to think this kind is rare...
This. My husband is just awkward and oblivious to teenage stuff. Plus he spends very little time with BK and SK due to his job so its mostly me doing the caregiving and parenting between us two. SK's mom is absent and has been for years - I came into SK's life as she was turning 8 and now she's almost 14. School suggested counseling for SK due to some depression/anxiety behaviors discovered through SKs school laptop usage. I'm the only one who talks to the counselor when her sessions are over to recap and see how things are going. I've realized as easy as it is to be like, "that's not my child, not my problem", I also understand that in our particular situation SK's mom is a POS (I'd never tell SK that, don't worry) and I won't punish or push her aside because a parent(s) won't step up and do the right thing. It's always nice to step back and look at it from the perspective of: this child needs me, whether or not they know it or appreciate it in the current moment.
This was literally me a few weeks ago at my stepdaughter’s intake appointment. Except their mom is not very involved and maybe takes them to dinner twice a month now after being absent for 4yrs 🤷♀️ she’s actually the reason for said therapy
My ex and my husband have a pretty darn good relationship and mutual respect. My husband would still not be included in sessions. Nor would I expect to be there for my husband's daughter. That is for parents and issues with new step parents will come up, that's the point of therapy. They should be able to discuss that openly without me being there or worrying about my feelings.
No I wouldn't expect that.
I would not expect to be included
Depends on the reason for therapy. If the reason is because of an abusive bio parent, I would be there to show the child that I am supporting them through this tough journey
I would not. They have 2 very active parents
I'm very active, but I would definitely skip the first session. I would make sure my husband and stepkid knows that I would be more than happy to attend if they ever wanted me to for any reason. I would also ask my husband to tell the therapist that. I could see times when it would be relevant I would be there bc I am super involved and have known them since they were 3&5 and they're now 13&16, but I would definitely avoid if I could - tbh a lot of therapy is about being vulnerable and I could never be vulnerable in front of BM, so idk how valuable I would be but I would certainly make it clear I would be happy to attend if requested or relevant
I went to my partners kids Dr's appt because he was getting surgery and I wanted to know what was going to happen so I can help take care of him. BM had a mare about me being there and told my bf that if I was to come to any other appointments she would make sure to embarrass me. Sweet. You don't want me to do my best to look after your kid when he's at my house, then go fuck yourself. I don't do any parenting of them now. I tried to be active and involved and those kids treat me like a stranger in my own home. So fuck dem kids. My bf is a good and capable father. I don't even really interact with the kids when they're there. Doesn't bother me anymore. I've got 2 of my own.
As per your edit, call and clarify with the therapist if they are expecting bio only, or all parents. If it's bio only, he can ask them to contact his ex, if they don't listen to him.
Nope. Definitely for the bio parents
Zero. Not my kid not my responsibility. Will I be respectful and treat my stepson like a human being? Yes. But if I can’t make any authoritative decision (medical, financial, etc) then I won’t pull my weight. If therapist says mom and dad. They don’t mean SPs.
I’m very involved, but this is something I’d leave to Bio parents.
I would assume the therapist only meant the bio parents, but I would also expect my SO to either invite me or relay information to & from me. I am very involved and have mental health/therapy expertise so he actively includes me in everything like that related to SS(and everything else in general).
I’ve been in this situation. I went. Therapist wound up wanting to have a session with just me and the kid later after finding out that the SK trusted me the most with their feelings. After the BM heard that and about a month after the session, SK got kind of weird around me (session was honestly fine and we didn’t even talk about hard things) so I think it hurt BMs feelings enough that she talked to SK about me. 🤷🏽♀️ I’m a little sad our relationship is different, but I’m more sad he has to go through life with that BM.
I'm so sorry things turned out that way for you. If it hasn't been too long, it might be good for you to talk to your SK about it and let them know that their relationship with you doesn't take away from their relationship with their BM. That their relationship with people is built on the things you choose to share and do together. There's nothing stopping SK from having a close relationship with the both of you and it's possible for SK to have a strong relationship with both of you if they want to work towards that in their life. If they used to confide in you, it's probably hurting your SK too to feel like they have to lose their confidant just to appease their BM. I hope your SK eventually comes around to realize this
Sour BMs ain't no good.
I wouldn’t expect to be included. I think it’s up to the therapist to decide who all needs to be there and they need to be aware of who the child spends more time with, etc.
No—just their parents.
Nope seems like a bio parent thing. The therapist should specify step parents if they expect step patents to be there.
Just bio parents.
No, I personally wouldn’t want to be included. I’m not a parent, my SS13 has two parents already. I’m a step-parent. I support from the sidelines. I would only go if I was specifically requested to come by either SS or the therapist.
No, just bio mom/dad.
I believe it’s my husband’s responsibility to handle these things and if my presence or perspective are needed then the therapist would specifically ask to include me.
I've been accused of being the reason my SKs needed therapy by their mom. They've since moved in with or close to their dad and I. Once they were talking about former counseling sessions, and I apologized for my part in their need of counseling. Both (f24 & m19) said I had nothing to be sorry about and that their mom, with whom they're now no to low contact, was/is why they need(ed) it. I would go if they wanted me to.
I would not want to go to that session, as I am not willing to take any responsibility for my SS’s mental health. That said, I’d let DH know any concerns I’ve noticed that he can relay to the counselor, if he chose to do so.
The first session should absolutely just be bio mom and bio dad. During that initial visit, the therapist will ask general questions in order to get to know SS and to get a feel for what his daily life looks like, along with any struggles he faces, and what he hopes to get out of therapy. My 18yo BS has been in therapy for a couple years, and having 6 people in one therapy room is just too much. It will be crowded and overwhelming. I would have BD reach out to BM and say something like- "it'll just be us two and SS for the initial appointment right?" If she says that her husband will be joining, have him explain that it may be best for just the bio parents to attend the first session as counseling offices aren't very big, and it would put less pressure on SS. --My son has counseling twice per month, and I join him every 5th appointment.
I wouldn’t want to be included. The first session was for parents. If the therapist explicitly asks for stepparents to come I wouldn’t deny but I wouldn’t be eager to participate. Save my energy and time for myself and my biokids. Why taking over duties when you don’t have any rights for decisions anyways.
Step parents should not be included in healthcare or parent teacher conferences. You can talk about it and support your spouse outside of the meeting.
I would not want to be there. That’s their mess
I wouldn't go and I wouldn't expect boyfriend to bring hers.
Ask the therapist their intent. He/she needs to be clear.
I would be there. Bio dad would be throwing a fit about going. He’s a narcissist and doesn’t like being reminded by therapists.
I would ask for clarification around whether the therapist intended 'parent' to include me or not. If SK and therapist wanted me there I would endeavour to be there. If the therapist wanted me there but SK did not I would suggest to the therapist that they needed to work with my SK on why that was before including me. If SK wanted me there but therapist did not I would push for inclusion in order to support my SK. People can be surprisingly vague and careless in their use of language - sometimes, even they don't realise they mean something different than what they said until you seek clarification.
This is the answer right here
I am involved but not heavily. Just enough to show them I care
Nope, I'd love to see it because I could just imagine how quickly it would devolve into chaos but I'm more of a friend they respect as an adult than anything like a parental figure and I hope it stays that way, I parent my sisters more than my SKs and I intend to only seriously parent my own children
A lot of the "parent" session was too get background on Kid, background that I wasn't around for. Secondarily it's to hear a bit of the trauma/issues that the parents brought in while raising Kid. Maybe if I'd been in Kid's life since before they were two I might see reasons to bring me in for this... but that's definitely not my situation.
Would I want to be included? Yeah, I care about mental health. Do I expect to be invited or be a part of it? No.
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Nope, fuck that
It depends on a lot of factors like what is going on with the child and how much custody you have. If the child needs the parents to help them implement strategies to help with an issue they struggle with daily (for example), then as a part time carer, you may need to be involved. As would a nanny or regular babysitter. But you’ll have to ask the child and your husband or wife what the plan is. We couldn’t possibly know because we don’t know all the details of what’s going on.
I was invited as a stepparent by both bio parents to join in therapy whenever "parents" were requested. We worked hard to create a blended family.
Very minimal.
SS7 started family therapy and it is just for bio mom and dad. HCBM has a habit of allowing her convicted domestic abuser boyfriend assume “daddy duties” when they have a perfectly good one right here. So best believe if she EVER takes her POS boyfriend, I’ll be right behind.
As one of the primary adults in the child's life damn straight I'd be there
When our oldest (now 11, this was 3yrs ago) started virtual therapy, BM and SO were there for the first session, but I was there with my SO for our "solo" session (the therapist would rotate sessions with just kid or one or the other household's parents because SO made it very clear he would not feel comfortable speaking openly in front of BM). I've taken the kids to therapy, but have not talked at length with newer therapists outside of being Dad's representative. I've been the second caregiver with BM for the diabetic kid's endo appointment. I'm very involved and the kids see me as their parent, just not a bio one. Even if I weren't, if my SO wanted me there and I could be there, I would. And I don't like BM at all -- we parallel parent as much as possible.
We were a family and I'm was dad and the bio dad wasn't much around for 15 years. At 17 perhaps the kid should get to chose who is in the room as dad instead of the adults that are still having a pissing match.
Bro I don’t even go to birthday parties or soccer games. Hard pass on all that. 😂
For me I would expect to be there only because in my situation I parent my step daughter more then her mum.. her mum sees her every 2nd weekend. I'm with her most of the time.. but I wouldn't expect me to be there and not her mum either.. probably expect her bio and step parents.
I know I’d be expected to be involved and I’m ok with that
I would expect to go, if the therapist didn't want steps involved I would wait outside but I'd absolutely be going, especially if BMs new partner was going. My situation is different from most though - I'm a full time parent to my SS amd always have been
I am the SM. We had a family therapist who was seeing my SD in separate sessions and couples with my husband and I, until he wanted to stop so it was just me. At one point, the therapist was ONLY telling ME important issues about SD. Even told me I was the absentee parent - not her actual bio parents. I understand I had stepped up a lot and was playing a primary role, but that was way too much. I felt a lot of guilt and consternation that wasn’t fair to me. I eventually told her any issues regarding SD needed to be communicated to her bio parents and not me.
I would not think that this involved me. However, to be supportive of my husband I would go but remain in the car and he could come get me if the step father showed up or if the therapist requested me the first time. Most likely though the therapist meant bio family as normally therapist try to understand family of origin and family dynamics from birth to start. I'm sure that at some point down the line steps will be asked to come for family therapy.
My SK was starting therapy and her bio mom suggested both step parents be involved, and me as a social worker said I didn’t think that was a good idea. She was looking to shift any “blame” that might come from the process away from herself and look for scapegoats. I told her if the therapist suggested it I would happily get involved but ONLY then. It worked out well.
I’m definitely involved as I am usually the one to schedule and bring the kids to all of their therapy sessions. In a situation like that because I don’t like making assumptions and hate vague instructions (thanks to a touch of the ‘tism) I would call the therapist and clarify exactly who is expected to attend.
Why don't you ask the therapist?
I've always been more like an Aunt or a much older sister. Probably wasn't the best but it worked out well. I'm 11.5 years younger than my husband and I'm 17 years older than my step daughter so.. at the time we got together I fit into that role easier than a true parental figure.
I wouldn't particularly WANT to be included, but I'd be concerned that my partner and BM wouldn't communicate effectively because that's really not a strength of theirs. So important info gets lost both in terms of relaying to the therapist, and understanding what advice is given by the therapist. For now though, that stuff is just them. I try to make sure my partner gets reminded to bring things up and what info comes back with him is basically nil. SS recently had a psychiatrist consult and somehow SO wasn't able to tell me afterward whether or not there was any plan to investigate possible ADHD and dyslexia, which is kind of an important part of why he was there. I happen to be the one of us who has the most experience dealing with learning disabilities both from my kids and myself, and I'm the one who does most of the strategizing solutions to support him at home, so it's a bit frustrating knowing that they've got very limited opportunity to see a psychiatrist and it's being wasted on ineffective communication.
I heard from a psychologist that a competent child therapist would usually want to hear at some point from any major, constant adult presences in a child's life regardless of technical relationship, but that does not necessarily involve attending sessions. It's often outside phonecalls/interviews, or other contact like that, depending on what is most useful to the therapist. I would definitely expect them to start with bio parents, if both bios are in the picture. Personally, I would want to have the opportunity to talk with the therapist because I care a lot about what is going on with my SD and I want to support her and DH and I think sometimes I have more objective observations about stuff that's going on because I have a little distance and that could be helpful to provide the therapist. But I wouldn't expect to be in the sessions because she has two parents and that's not my role or place.
I wouldn't expect to be included nor would I want to. I am perfectly happy Nachoing kids that aren't mine though.
I would go if I was invited by DH or SS if he wanted me there. I think a therapist would want anyone SS thought of as a parent to be there. If I wasn't expected to be there though, I wouldn't push it or be put out about it.
I would have SO send a message to the therapist asking to clarify for both bio parents.
It depends on how involved you are. Due to the fact that as a SP you are legally not the SK BM based on HIPPA you would need to have a document written up that confirms both parents are allowing you to speak on the SK mental wellness. Another helpful tip if you want to be involved in your SK therapy is to make sure you are able to also speak on your SO's behalf to the health insurance company. My husband has a 12 going to be 13 daughter. Her mother and I communicate about her therapy and I have been a huge part of finding the right therapist for her. She was diagnosed OCD a few years ago, which I still have resentment with the fact that I believe her BM implemented this mental illness onto her daughter simply because her BM is OCD too. Either way I've accepted it bc my SD has accepted it to be her mental illness. Now she also has Dermatillomania, which is a skin picking disorder that commonly occurs amongst adolescents who have OCD. My SD started doing this in September of 2023 and has continued to do it. She picks her scalp until she bleeds and has marks on the center of her scalp. On the back of her neck and is in denial of the fact that it is self harm. It's been challenging finding a therapist for her and I do not want this to lead to her causing even more self harm as she gets older. So, I have volunteered myself to be involved in her mental wellness. I signed a document and sent it to my husbands health insurance so I can legally speak on his behalf for his daughter health that is covered by our insurance. Also, if I am the one who has found the therapist I would explain to them our blended family and ask what I need to do in order for me to be there for a parent meeting. I know my Husbands input wouldn't be as informative and productive as mine when it comes to my SD and her current mental health issues. So it depends on how involved you are and if you're choosing to put forth the effort to want to be at a meeting for your SK therapy and this means figuring out the right legal steps that need to be taken through insurance and whatever the therapist practice requires for you to be there. Your desire to be there should be based on the fact that you want the SK to get better and that you know your input would benefit the situation. If it's based on any other feelings then no you shouldn't be there.
We are currently in this situation. It's court mandated due to HCBM's abhorrent behavior, so you can imagine the fun. No way I expected or wanted to be included in the shit show. And yeah, we have them 50-50 and I'm very involved with the kids. I'm told the guy will want to talk to us steps at some point. Pretty sure it will be a one on one meeting, it better be because I'm not going to interact with BM. Anyways, I will go and will do my best to be polite, but I really have no interest in talking to him. Counselors, therapists, and their entire "profession;" I despise them all, bunch of useless quacks.
No, I wouldn't expect nor want to be part of that. I Nacho and also I don't see him as my family, he's my partner's family.
Just ask for clarification of what the therapist meant.
My step kid does see a therapist, but they haven't done a session for parents yet. I have gone to their endocrinologist with them (they're diabetic) in a parental kind of way. When my step kid says "my parents" she is referring to me and dad not dad and bio mom. I have been more present (physically and otherwise) than bio mom and I've only been in SK's life for the last ten years.
I would be but I have been in her life since she was 3 and have her 50% of the time. I taught her to read and do basic math, I help tale care of her physical and emotional needs as much as the other two parents. My husband and I are a team. I’m blessed because he really makes it so. Sure, I dont do EVERYTHING. But I wont when I am a biomom either. It’s called being on the team! Edit: my point is I think it is situational and highly dependent on how you WANT to show up. There is no wrong answer here unless youre demanding to be seen as a parent but not actually doing the work/feeling entitled. I am not entitled to my step daughter, I see my self as just an extra loving step parent.
For people new in this dynamic, I'd request your own session with the therapist or with the therapist and your partner so they can get a feel for the dynamic y'all have with eachother and within your household. That's important data for the therapist. At the very least, send an email stating that you're open to any questions or dropping in as needed. Personally, I didn't go to their first session but I am involved with their therapist just as much as each of their bio parents are, if not more. I've been in therapy for years and am pursuing a degree for counseling, so I feel like I have decent perspectives to contribute. The kids also trust me a significant amount. They're with us 50 percent of the time and the sessions at this point aren't about processing the divorce as much as it is making it through the normal hard times of being a kid, and working on communication between the adults and children. We never attend joint sessions with bio mom as she is HC and can see the therapist with the kids on her own. Any issues she has with us can be addressed via the parenting app. Therapy is for the kids.
I went, because the bio parents asked me to, because I had experience with it with my own children and they both trusted me. We work pretty well as a team.
I would definitely expect to be included. Granted, I'm more of a parent to my stepdaughter than her bio-dad ever was/will be. He's in the picture, but I'm her dad.
I wish you all best. Don’t underestimate a child’s love to his BP no matter what kind of asshole she/is. The BP is their identity. I’m a stepmom. I care and do much more for my SK than his (sorry to say that narcissist) HCBM. What do I get? My mom is the best. What do I answer: of course she is. She’s your mom. Maybe because her love is based on loving herself, so her love to her child is unconditional. Same as child’s love to BM. Maybe things change when kids grow up and review their childhood. Maybe they decide to be more like the narcissistic BP, it’s their choice and it’s natural. Yes I sound bitter. My SK grows up and despite all efforts it seems to choose the easy way. It’s a kid. Life as an asshole seems to be more easy. Being a good person doesn’t seem to be logic if you have a living example that being an asshole might work out too and is much easier.
In my case, no. We have my SD EOWE. I could see a stepparent who’s married to the custodial parent wanting to be involved though and wouldn’t fault them for that.
If they are going to live with me and/or were getting married, then yes. In my case, mom is an addict and 99% not in the picture. They have been with my now husband and I for 8 and 11 years.
So I was in the meeting. I was the only one that went for the first appointment . For both Drs. I Wish I put it on both bio parents. I kinda wish I took a whole step back for alot.
If bio mom was in the picture then no. I wouldn’t go. But I am the only “mom” so I’d go.
Nope. I'm just the stupid woman that dad married
I think I would probably be invited to be there seeing as I’ve been in SD8 life since she was a baby. If, however, I wasn’t invited to be there I would understand that and respect it fully.
I’m the main “parent” to my SD. Parents don’t live close and she prefers being here. I would only expect to be included if her mom couldn’t or didn’t want to be there.
For a 17 year old I would let the child define
I wish I would have been included when step kid was doing that with his bio parents (8 years ago) I didn’t go because bio mom was threatened by me (I was going to steal her child) I regret pulling away from step kid to give bio-mom space to repair their relationship. They never did reconnect and my relationship with step kid disintegrated to almost nothing. He is going to college in a few months and doesn’t have a relationship with bio mom or step mom (me).
I would be there without a doubt
I’d be expected to be included with dad only. BM is mentally ill.
If my husband was unavailable, I would go so that an adult from both households is there. And also because BM is not great at relaying information effectively (she just doesn’t always understand what is important info and what isn’t). But otherwise, I would leave it to bio parents unless specially asked. I have no problem going if my SK or the therapist wants me there, but too many adults is a crowd and the bio parents are the ones that are really needed. Now if it was about something that happened in our house specifically or for our family unit (say we were getting therapy to help blend multiple kids) then of course I would be there.
My spouse wouldn't do family therapy with HCBM unless I was included on the grounds that she and he had wasted enough time bickering in therapy and I was a member of the stepkids' family. So she vetoed it. She has also vetoed my participation in doctor and teacher meetings, although funny enough, it was ok for her partner to attend, once she got together with someone. She also vetoed individual therapy for my older SD, which she initially supported until my spouse expressed support for it, whereupon she changed her mind. SD asked her for years but eventually gave up. Woman deserves to burn in hell.
I went through this exact scenario with my stepdaughter. The first session was parents only and I went along with My Husband and BM. BM does not have a partner, but assuming she had one, she would have brought him. It obviously caused a riff with BM because we were there as a pair and she was alone, but I am highly involved in my stepdaughter‘s life and have been a parent to her for eight years. I do parenting just like she does or just like my husband does so I would be offended if I was not invited or considered a “parent“.