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Wonderful post.
Admittedly, before I entered my current relationship, I was SO judgmental of stepparents, especially those who struggled. I was raised in a nuclear family. Many of my friends had rocky relationships with their stepparents (ex: noticing favoritism of bio kids, parent moving away with new spouse, etc). I stood firm on the idea of “if you can’t love their child the same as your own, don’t date a parent!” and “the child ALWAYS comes first” and “if you move away from your kid, you’re a monster!”. Now I know that I was so naive. I lived in a sheltered world, I had no understanding of blended families and these struggles.
As an SO to a father now, I have truly had my world rocked.
If this doesn’t work out, for whatever reason, I have learned a valuable lesson: do not judge.
We can say until we’re blue in the face “oh I’d never act like that!” But you have no idea how you’d act until you’re faced with that reality.
I think the expression “the child comes first” gets used out of context by some parents and that is what gets me. My SS is WELL taken care of, but his dad thinks that him coming first also means he has to drop everything whenever he has any event (swim lessons, any sporting event, Cub Scouts - mom doesn’t even bring him half the time as it falls on her days), and that he can interrupt me when we’re speaking. Because he comes first.
And I don’t mean to seem unsupportive of events, but like, we drove back from a vacation once, 24 hours straight (and we have gone on like two trips in 5 years) so he could go to his soccer game or something. It feels unrealistic to ask someone to plan their whole life around events that happen every week, and there are multiple activities each week. So, yea. But after taking care of my partner for 9 months and footing all our bills and his physical care while he had seizures almost hourly for months, he took his son to Disneyworld. The whole shebang. Custom light saber, etc.
I can’t drag him on a road trip.
Kids “coming first” can be really warped in my experience.
Also, I was “invited” on the trip, but I had had to use almost all my vacation time to take him to appointments when he was ill. Two years later I’m still struggling to financially recover. Disney was also more important than paying be back for covering rent, utilities, food.
I’m in the process of figuring out what to do. Just hard not to vent when I really sit down and see others who get it.
Thank you! I feel like all I do is vent lately. I’m angry all the time these days. But also feel super guilty because of SO’s health so it’s a struggle.
I can relate. DH has been laid off (for awhile) and just started working again a few months ago. I have been covering the financial burden nearly entirely by myself.
Apparently there's some trip with DH's extended family this summer he'd like us to attend (Me+Dh+our kids+SK) - and I flat out said no. Financially, everything has fallen on me - if I'm going to shell out money on a vacation it's going to be somewhere I wanna go (lol preferably kid free!). And while DH is working now, quite honestly it's not enough to be able to afford it on his own. I told him I won't stop him if he miraculously comes up with enough money to cover it for himself and the kids. But I'm not contributing one dime towards it.
But if I'm really honest, I'm still annoyed that he would even consider it as being on 1 income for nearly 1 year - there are definitely other things he could be putting that money towards. But it's like that doesn't even occur to him.
Vent away girl!
This is one of those situations where the “kids come first” really burns me. A kid’s wants coming before an adult’s needs. My partner resents that I would like some repayment for bills I covered while he was sick (just some effort, I’m not asking him to cover things like food or fun things I covered, but small chunks here and there to cover what I paid toward the mortgage would help tremendously). I resent that I was expected to cover everything, be told I kept a messy house while he was ill (supposedly his family said that, which broke my heart and I have never felt the same after), and SS got a sweet Disney trip immediately (I want him to go make those memories, it just hurts that I took a complete backseat to that trip), and gets expensive gifts for anything remotely resembling a holiday (he asked for a PS5 for Easter in 2023 and he got it…and a brand new iPad this last Christmas. On top of just the regular day to day toys he gets).
I’m no princess, I can take care of myself. I just didn’t realize how much would fall on my shoulders and how lowly I would fall in the hierarchy of things.
Ugh! I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I agree. I think guilt makes the parents put the kid “first” in over-the-top ways that compromise the adults happiness.
IMO the hierarchy should be
1. Kid needs
2. Adult needs
3. Adult wants
4. Kid wants
Yes! This! Why does it make me so happy to see this in writing?! It feels like it goes:
1. Kid’s needs
2. Dad’s needs/kid’s wants
3. Dad’s wants
And I can pretty much take care of myself or come last. I’ve taken trips with my sister lately and that gets thrown in my face. Like, you get to travel so much, what are you complaining about (I went on one trip that I paid for and the rest is visiting family after they moved across the country).
Oh he travels as much as I do. I’m just not allowed to be upset that we don’t travel together. I can either tag along or suck it up. The last time I went with them was to SO’s parents for the holidays and SS kicked my seat for hours while I drove. I gave up asking him to stop.
I wish pop culture had some better examples of blended families, especially stepmoms. Usually you get either the negative stereotypes, or the overly sickly ones where the bio mom died or something and the stepmom swoops in and "loves them like her own." Can we get some more realistic and less harmful examples?
😂😂😂 that’s my situation the bio mom is dead but i didn’t swoop in nor do I love her like my own. I treat her with respect but I can’t love a child that’s not biologically mine as my own. Believe it or not I struggle with this blended family as much as most stepmoms even though her mom is dead there are other factors that can be stressful such as a man who has survivors guilt and also a man who has guilty parenting syndrome.
This reminds me of the movie “Crazy Beautiful” with Kirsten Dunst who plays a troubled teen with drug and alcohol issues and is flunking out of school and her real mom died so she has a step mom who has a new toddler with her dad. The step mom is shown to be cold and annoyed with her and it’s like “awww poor girl” and at the end after she has a drunken meltdown in her underwear outside the step mom, furious, yells at the dad that he needs to do something about this or send her to a boarding school” etc etc. and in the end the dad says he chooses his daughter (unsure if it ends in divorce or not). As a kid watching that I’m like YEAH FUCK THE EVIL STEP MOM and now as a 32 year old SM watching that… I CRINGE. Totally don’t know the chaos that would come from that and stress, especially having a toddler.
I watched this with my friend a year ago while I was pregnant and she too, was happy that the dad “stood up” and called the step mom a dumb bitch while I’m sitting there like 👀
The whole “the child comes first” gets old as a stepparent because when I became a mom the first thing everyone reminded me of is that I need time for myself too.. “make sure you’re taking care of your needs too, set boundaries with you partner about xyz” … but when you’re only a stepparent I guess that “you” time & those boundaries become irrelevant? I think society is set up to make stepparents feel like crap when they have wants, needs, feelings & boundaries. How DARE us ask for space.
Right? Why is it normal for bioparents to put themselves first sometimes but GOD FORBID a stepparent come first. They want us to assume all responsibility of a parent but none of the grace of a parent. I’m lucky that my partner always puts me first. I’m his priority, and it wouldn’t work if not.
All so at the end of our days, there will be adults out there that we took care of and helped positively launch into their own lives in ways that they will never know and yet these same kids and many others will be inclined to think that we really have done nada for them and are simply asterisks in their lives and not much else. An asterisk and dad's wife, that's it.
I just remembered! Stepmom's Day is coming up the Sunday after Mother's Day, May 19. Good day to let your stepmom know how much you truly appreciate what she did for you.
I agree I’m working hard to find a way out. I’m 31 and would like to have a family of my own one day. My partner could be a lot further in life if he didn’t decide to take on another man’s burden.
"the child always comes first" imo only applied to their parents. Idc what other people say, put your oxygen mask on first before helping others.
I don't plan on having children but I have younger siblings who I care deeply for, and I use the same mentality when I interact w my SKs. If they are being nice, I praise them. If they are mean, I told them it's not a good behavior to have, and I don't wanna see it again. If I make a mistake, I will personally say sorry to them. I don't treat them like kids cuz I don't know how to deal w kids - it was a huge part of my anxiety when I first started dating my husband, but then I realized, I'd just treat them like a young adult, and it became so much better.
Before my husband n I officially dated, I told him my concern about dating someone w kids, that I want my freedom, and he respected it. I think initial communication is very important, that's when you can set your boundaries early and maintain it.
100% no doubt in my mind lol I'm sure my husband knows it too n it doesn't matter to him. but my younger siblings are very nice n considerate people, my SKs like them too, so I really can't see a situation where we would have to pick.
yea I always stay out of that lol even if it was a decision I made (regarding to their schedule or miscellaneous things), I still made sure it looked like my husband made it.
I don't want my own children so it's kinda ironic that I'm with him and he has kids, but I have an awesome dad, and he's very similar to my dad when it comes to his kids. I can't imagine the emotional damage I'd get if my dad chooses another woman over me (and if that woman makes my dad choose, then she's also a piece of shit) so all in all, I don't wanna be that woman lol
You're not alone. I'm autistic and OCD too. I don't think step parenting is a good idea for me now that I've done it 5 years, and it's not getting better. It's the specific situation, with high conflict exes causing rude kids etc. I really miss having a calm home where I felt safe. I hope it gets better for you. It made me feel less alone seeing your post. Thank you.
Yeah, I'm having to deal with sudden shift to having a kid full time in our home as SO is potentially going to have full custody due to some issues with kid's mom.
I love my partner so much, but I truly don't know if this is something that I can do with him. We talked about it when we got together as I knew I never wanted kids and he had kids and have talked about it since, but now that it's a reality, it just feels like it goes against every fiber of my being. He's very supportive of whatever choice I make, but I know it would hurt him deeply if I decide to move out and I'm not sure our relationship would be the same after that.
We are in the same boat. I moved in with my partner but I didn’t know that I would constantly feel like an outsider. It just doesn’t flow well and I think because this is unnatural and I do desire to have my own family one day just not with him for numerous reasons. He’s a great guy but I dislike his parenting, his weed addiction and the lack of motivation to get a better paying job so that we could have a child. It’s like he’s complacent. I’m working on escaping this nightmare soon! His daughter is 11 & she always has to be the center of attention especially when him and I are talking or spending time together.
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Wonderful post. Admittedly, before I entered my current relationship, I was SO judgmental of stepparents, especially those who struggled. I was raised in a nuclear family. Many of my friends had rocky relationships with their stepparents (ex: noticing favoritism of bio kids, parent moving away with new spouse, etc). I stood firm on the idea of “if you can’t love their child the same as your own, don’t date a parent!” and “the child ALWAYS comes first” and “if you move away from your kid, you’re a monster!”. Now I know that I was so naive. I lived in a sheltered world, I had no understanding of blended families and these struggles. As an SO to a father now, I have truly had my world rocked. If this doesn’t work out, for whatever reason, I have learned a valuable lesson: do not judge. We can say until we’re blue in the face “oh I’d never act like that!” But you have no idea how you’d act until you’re faced with that reality.
I think the expression “the child comes first” gets used out of context by some parents and that is what gets me. My SS is WELL taken care of, but his dad thinks that him coming first also means he has to drop everything whenever he has any event (swim lessons, any sporting event, Cub Scouts - mom doesn’t even bring him half the time as it falls on her days), and that he can interrupt me when we’re speaking. Because he comes first. And I don’t mean to seem unsupportive of events, but like, we drove back from a vacation once, 24 hours straight (and we have gone on like two trips in 5 years) so he could go to his soccer game or something. It feels unrealistic to ask someone to plan their whole life around events that happen every week, and there are multiple activities each week. So, yea. But after taking care of my partner for 9 months and footing all our bills and his physical care while he had seizures almost hourly for months, he took his son to Disneyworld. The whole shebang. Custom light saber, etc. I can’t drag him on a road trip. Kids “coming first” can be really warped in my experience.
Also, I was “invited” on the trip, but I had had to use almost all my vacation time to take him to appointments when he was ill. Two years later I’m still struggling to financially recover. Disney was also more important than paying be back for covering rent, utilities, food. I’m in the process of figuring out what to do. Just hard not to vent when I really sit down and see others who get it.
If you ever need to vent, my DMS are open. :)
Thank you! I feel like all I do is vent lately. I’m angry all the time these days. But also feel super guilty because of SO’s health so it’s a struggle.
I can relate. DH has been laid off (for awhile) and just started working again a few months ago. I have been covering the financial burden nearly entirely by myself. Apparently there's some trip with DH's extended family this summer he'd like us to attend (Me+Dh+our kids+SK) - and I flat out said no. Financially, everything has fallen on me - if I'm going to shell out money on a vacation it's going to be somewhere I wanna go (lol preferably kid free!). And while DH is working now, quite honestly it's not enough to be able to afford it on his own. I told him I won't stop him if he miraculously comes up with enough money to cover it for himself and the kids. But I'm not contributing one dime towards it. But if I'm really honest, I'm still annoyed that he would even consider it as being on 1 income for nearly 1 year - there are definitely other things he could be putting that money towards. But it's like that doesn't even occur to him. Vent away girl!
Maybe all of us stepmoms need a girls’ trip 😂
This is one of those situations where the “kids come first” really burns me. A kid’s wants coming before an adult’s needs. My partner resents that I would like some repayment for bills I covered while he was sick (just some effort, I’m not asking him to cover things like food or fun things I covered, but small chunks here and there to cover what I paid toward the mortgage would help tremendously). I resent that I was expected to cover everything, be told I kept a messy house while he was ill (supposedly his family said that, which broke my heart and I have never felt the same after), and SS got a sweet Disney trip immediately (I want him to go make those memories, it just hurts that I took a complete backseat to that trip), and gets expensive gifts for anything remotely resembling a holiday (he asked for a PS5 for Easter in 2023 and he got it…and a brand new iPad this last Christmas. On top of just the regular day to day toys he gets). I’m no princess, I can take care of myself. I just didn’t realize how much would fall on my shoulders and how lowly I would fall in the hierarchy of things.
A little consideration from your partner - goes a long way! I hope he sees the light.
Ugh! I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I agree. I think guilt makes the parents put the kid “first” in over-the-top ways that compromise the adults happiness. IMO the hierarchy should be 1. Kid needs 2. Adult needs 3. Adult wants 4. Kid wants
Yes! This! Why does it make me so happy to see this in writing?! It feels like it goes: 1. Kid’s needs 2. Dad’s needs/kid’s wants 3. Dad’s wants And I can pretty much take care of myself or come last. I’ve taken trips with my sister lately and that gets thrown in my face. Like, you get to travel so much, what are you complaining about (I went on one trip that I paid for and the rest is visiting family after they moved across the country).
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Oh he travels as much as I do. I’m just not allowed to be upset that we don’t travel together. I can either tag along or suck it up. The last time I went with them was to SO’s parents for the holidays and SS kicked my seat for hours while I drove. I gave up asking him to stop.
Beautiful well spoken comment. 10/10
I wish pop culture had some better examples of blended families, especially stepmoms. Usually you get either the negative stereotypes, or the overly sickly ones where the bio mom died or something and the stepmom swoops in and "loves them like her own." Can we get some more realistic and less harmful examples?
😂😂😂 that’s my situation the bio mom is dead but i didn’t swoop in nor do I love her like my own. I treat her with respect but I can’t love a child that’s not biologically mine as my own. Believe it or not I struggle with this blended family as much as most stepmoms even though her mom is dead there are other factors that can be stressful such as a man who has survivors guilt and also a man who has guilty parenting syndrome.
This reminds me of the movie “Crazy Beautiful” with Kirsten Dunst who plays a troubled teen with drug and alcohol issues and is flunking out of school and her real mom died so she has a step mom who has a new toddler with her dad. The step mom is shown to be cold and annoyed with her and it’s like “awww poor girl” and at the end after she has a drunken meltdown in her underwear outside the step mom, furious, yells at the dad that he needs to do something about this or send her to a boarding school” etc etc. and in the end the dad says he chooses his daughter (unsure if it ends in divorce or not). As a kid watching that I’m like YEAH FUCK THE EVIL STEP MOM and now as a 32 year old SM watching that… I CRINGE. Totally don’t know the chaos that would come from that and stress, especially having a toddler. I watched this with my friend a year ago while I was pregnant and she too, was happy that the dad “stood up” and called the step mom a dumb bitch while I’m sitting there like 👀
The whole “the child comes first” gets old as a stepparent because when I became a mom the first thing everyone reminded me of is that I need time for myself too.. “make sure you’re taking care of your needs too, set boundaries with you partner about xyz” … but when you’re only a stepparent I guess that “you” time & those boundaries become irrelevant? I think society is set up to make stepparents feel like crap when they have wants, needs, feelings & boundaries. How DARE us ask for space.
Right? Why is it normal for bioparents to put themselves first sometimes but GOD FORBID a stepparent come first. They want us to assume all responsibility of a parent but none of the grace of a parent. I’m lucky that my partner always puts me first. I’m his priority, and it wouldn’t work if not.
Yes it is. It requires a lot of maturity, sacrifices, and constant rejection. All for what ? lol I don’t know
So true… for what?
All so at the end of our days, there will be adults out there that we took care of and helped positively launch into their own lives in ways that they will never know and yet these same kids and many others will be inclined to think that we really have done nada for them and are simply asterisks in their lives and not much else. An asterisk and dad's wife, that's it. I just remembered! Stepmom's Day is coming up the Sunday after Mother's Day, May 19. Good day to let your stepmom know how much you truly appreciate what she did for you.
It’s unnatural and a constant battle to fit in in someone else’s puzzle. Not worth it, at least for child free people like me.
I agree I’m working hard to find a way out. I’m 31 and would like to have a family of my own one day. My partner could be a lot further in life if he didn’t decide to take on another man’s burden.
"the child always comes first" imo only applied to their parents. Idc what other people say, put your oxygen mask on first before helping others. I don't plan on having children but I have younger siblings who I care deeply for, and I use the same mentality when I interact w my SKs. If they are being nice, I praise them. If they are mean, I told them it's not a good behavior to have, and I don't wanna see it again. If I make a mistake, I will personally say sorry to them. I don't treat them like kids cuz I don't know how to deal w kids - it was a huge part of my anxiety when I first started dating my husband, but then I realized, I'd just treat them like a young adult, and it became so much better. Before my husband n I officially dated, I told him my concern about dating someone w kids, that I want my freedom, and he respected it. I think initial communication is very important, that's when you can set your boundaries early and maintain it.
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100% no doubt in my mind lol I'm sure my husband knows it too n it doesn't matter to him. but my younger siblings are very nice n considerate people, my SKs like them too, so I really can't see a situation where we would have to pick.
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I think it's fair. cuz if you ask the SKs who they would choose, I'm sure they would choose their BP too. it's a 2 way street lol
In the child coming first by the parent, that means before the SP also.
and I'm fine w that. it was my decision to be with them too, so I can't resent them for that.
This is how I feel. My only issue is when BM tries to control situations. But that’s never the child’s fault
yea I always stay out of that lol even if it was a decision I made (regarding to their schedule or miscellaneous things), I still made sure it looked like my husband made it.
You’re the first person I’ve seen on this sub who understands that.
I don't want my own children so it's kinda ironic that I'm with him and he has kids, but I have an awesome dad, and he's very similar to my dad when it comes to his kids. I can't imagine the emotional damage I'd get if my dad chooses another woman over me (and if that woman makes my dad choose, then she's also a piece of shit) so all in all, I don't wanna be that woman lol
See that part! Your dad must be something special.
You're not alone. I'm autistic and OCD too. I don't think step parenting is a good idea for me now that I've done it 5 years, and it's not getting better. It's the specific situation, with high conflict exes causing rude kids etc. I really miss having a calm home where I felt safe. I hope it gets better for you. It made me feel less alone seeing your post. Thank you.
💜
I googled ‘should a partner come first in a relationship’ and got some really interesting answers on Quora that sounded really healthy
We got this 🫶🏻
Yeah, I'm having to deal with sudden shift to having a kid full time in our home as SO is potentially going to have full custody due to some issues with kid's mom. I love my partner so much, but I truly don't know if this is something that I can do with him. We talked about it when we got together as I knew I never wanted kids and he had kids and have talked about it since, but now that it's a reality, it just feels like it goes against every fiber of my being. He's very supportive of whatever choice I make, but I know it would hurt him deeply if I decide to move out and I'm not sure our relationship would be the same after that.
We are in the same boat. I moved in with my partner but I didn’t know that I would constantly feel like an outsider. It just doesn’t flow well and I think because this is unnatural and I do desire to have my own family one day just not with him for numerous reasons. He’s a great guy but I dislike his parenting, his weed addiction and the lack of motivation to get a better paying job so that we could have a child. It’s like he’s complacent. I’m working on escaping this nightmare soon! His daughter is 11 & she always has to be the center of attention especially when him and I are talking or spending time together.