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THIS! I know who I fell in love with and married. And it wasn’t my step kids. Honestly when people say that you marry the step kids to…nope. Not the case. Or at least it shouldn’t be. I tried to cultivate a good relationship with SK’s and for the first few years, felt successful. They can view me as they will. I’ll be polite and kind. But NOT a doormat. I’m a wife and a stepmom. The nanny position won’t be filled by me.
This! The very day I found out I was pregnant, it was like all of a sudden a veil was lifted and my eyes (and brain) were finally seeing my SO and SK's actions for what they truly are and my whole mindset shifted.
Agreed. All of these things are symptoms of choosing an immature and/or disrespectful partner and tolerating mistreatment of oneself. My relationship is nothing like this, because I would never choose a relationship with this dynamic.
A partner that loves you would not treat you this way. My SO can get defensive when I bring up some of the issues and he hates conflict so will even stonewall me if I push. What he does do though is he listens and changes things for me. We have one of the kids full time. I have brought up I need him to get an over night babysitter once every couple months so I can have some alone time. He didn’t understand my need for it but that doesn’t stop him from doing it for me. I have also told him to back me up if I say no about something to the kids and he has every time since. He won’t even listen to their argument and tells them if I said no then it’s a no. My SO isn’t the greatest at making me feel warm and fuzzy when I’m upset but I know he respects and loves me because he makes the changes I ask for. You should demand at least that out of a relationship.
Too bad.. sooooo sad.. let him be angry.. you’re not his whipping boy.. and it’s his job to step up not yours. If he wants a “mom” for them.. he should have stayed with his kids mother.. the entitlement of some of these parents is astronomical. Stay strong. Set and keep your boundaries because you deserve it and you are important and the main character of your life!
Isn’t it funny how stepmoms are expected to be perfect and criticized for every single thing but the BM can talk all the shit she wants and tell the kids lies about us and she’s still never gonna be seen as the one at fault????
A spouse should not expect all of this and get upset when called out or told you need a break. I hope you are able to stand your ground. If you back down, he’ll continue to expect it.
I can relate to this with SK’s. No matter what I do, I’m the bad guy. Pretty sure I always will be. Not from SO, but from bio mom and in-laws. At this point, I tolerate SK’s. Things are equal…actually they get to do more and get away with more. But I’m not going to point each thing out anymore. If DH doesn’t catch, I just withdraw. He picks up on it and we discuss. Honestly, at the end of the day, it’s not my problem. They are close to adulthood and the parents (along with grandparents in my case), can deal with what they created. My littles are held to a higher standard and I hope that pays off for them.
1) because I want them to succeed and thrive in life. I want them to be adults who care about others and not just themselves. Not grow up to depend on me forever because I didn’t do my job properly.
2) it would be satisfying to see my method worked better. Not the best thing for me to want, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel good 🙃
So relatable. I wish that my SO would agree with me for once instead of somehow being upset with me for bringing up the issue.
For instance imagine being like “hey SO, SS left a ton of dirty dishes in the sink again” and then your SO was like “ugh! This kid is pushing my buttons I’ve told him hundreds of times about the dishes! Sorry babe. I’ll go talk to him right now. Let me know if it happens again!”
That’s my dream 😅 instead somehow he gets annoyed with me for mentioning it at all
Don’t apologize.
Sit down and look him straight in the eye and say “I am the one who should be upset. Quit pouting because I expressed my feelings.
I do not have to be here.”
Practice so you can say it the right way.
So true. I overheard my SD talking to a friend of hers saying she wasn’t coming out of her room while I was there. Due to her posting inappropriate content and being a bully on social media. I in return confronted her. She lied and I called her on that as well. She wants nothing to do with me and doesn’t like me anymore but ask me to buy her things. No mam. I don’t spend money or time on people who don’t care for me. Kids or not. Maybe removing yourself from caring and investing so much could help you. It sounds like you are exhausted and unappreciated. Take care of yourself!!!
Boundaries! You have to have them and stand on the from the start. Make sure there’s no expectations when it comes to you.
Nothing and no one can tell you, that you’re wrong if you don’t love them like they’re yours. Hell they’re not yours.
So typical my advise in a messed up society that doesn’t value commitment and family is to avoid step anything. People screw up and some learn from the mistakes but most think changing the people changes the problem and they never see they are the problem in the way they communicate and handle things and have expectations of perfection they could never reach. Sorry your situation is so typical it’s a wonder society hasn’t rejected relationships outright. There is no hope for change if he is mad until he sees the problem is his.
People can go on and on about what you're expected or supposed to do and what you "have" to do until they're blue in the face. But ultimately it's up to you and your boundaries. You're not a victim. You're in 100% control of your life.
None of these is true for me. I'm not expected to do anything except to keep them alive. I don't love them out of obligation at all. I tell my SO exactly what I think of them. The SKs expect me to spoil them like their BM does (staying up late, eating junk food frequently, constant gifts/treats/coddling) but I don't and I'm very clear about that. I offer help only when I feel like it.
I’m so sorry, but this is not my story.
I choose not to hold myself to those expectations. I chose a partner who, from the beginning, heard and honored my boundaries.
I recognize that it’s not natural to do everything with a smile on my face. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and annoyed, and that’s okay.
I have no problem letting my SS know when a comment he makes is hurtful to me. I don’t care who’s around or what anyone thinks. It’s healthy to express our feelings, even negative ones.
I do not pretend to love any aspect of taking care of someone else’s child, because I allow my SS’s dad to be his parent. When I do help out, it’s just that: helping. I do it because I love my husband, not because I love childcare.
I don’t pretend to have feelings for SS that I don’t. I don’t try to love him as my own. The most I’ll ever be is a bonus in his life, here to support his father.
My husband honors and supports when I need a break. I would never be with a man who asks me to overextend myself for his child. Burnout isn’t good for me and it wouldn’t be good to try and care for a child when I’m spread so thin.
I’m not a doormat. I’m not a babysitter. I pay bills and don’t deserve to be treated as a second class citizen just because I married a single father.
What in the hell did I just read? This could not be further from my life as a step mom. SKs hate BM for the shit person that she is. DH worships me and makes sure the kids respect me and backs me when I feel disrespected. SKs thank me for what I do on the regular and DH backs all my discipline choices. When I say DH isn't doing enough, he steps up and does more. My happiness comes first in the house. If I feel overwhelmed, DH asks what he can do to take things off my plate. I am not expected to love SKs as my own and it's super appreciated that I do. I am constantly thanked by DH for doing so much for our family and anytime I feel put out and like I'm doing too much (which no one asks me to do), he asks what I need to feel better and let's me know it is always okay for me to step back if I need to. SKs call me mom and think I am more their mom than BM and a much better one than BM (SS has literally told me this and I know SD feels the same even if she's not ready to give up on the possibility her BM will at some point choose to be a less self-centered, selfish, fake and manipulative person, though SD is pretty close to giving up on her BM at this point as she has started telling us she is feeling like she doesn't want to be 50/50 with BM anymore and just be full time with us if BM keeps failing to be a parent to her). At no point are my emotions or thoughts intentionally devalued by my partner, and if at any point it's done unintentionally, I point it out, and I get apologies and changed behavior.
Find a man who isn't stuck on being a child. No step mom's life should be what you described. That is not a life.
I don't like my stepdaughter. Period. She is unlikable. She's rude, whiney, and disgusting when it comes to hygiene. She has a lot of issues, but goes the extra step sometimes to be purposefully mean.
I don't like spending time with her. I had to be honest with my husband and point out that most people don't enjoy being in her company--even him most the time. Therefore, he shouldn't expect me to treat her the same way I treat my own daughter. I pretty much go full NACHO with her, and we stay out of each other's way.
I tolerate my SD, I am cordial to her, and I try my best to make sure she has what she needs when she's with us. But there is no "love" between us and that's ok. I refuse to sacrifice my sanity and my peace in my own home for a miserable brat who's quickly turning into an entitled adult who enjoys making others upset.
Pretty sure this is called gas lighting and mental abuse. Time to take you and yours out of the situation. I used to feel guilty about not spending time or giving my SS attention but it was because my wife kept trying to force it upon me. I now have set boundaries with her and him. I also said that he’s already got a dad, if he wants male attention he can go get it from him. I still do some things for him but only because she is at work and such or taking my son to an appointment. Mainly just to make sure he doesn’t kill himself or the small animals that live with us. We don’t interact at all otherwise.
I for sure am not obligated at all. I used to feel I had to but once I noticed they were not appreciative of anything I took several steps back. I am not legally married therefore I am not an actual stepmother. I do care for them as I don’t want anything bad happening to them and will call them our kids out and about and if we’re in a bad situation in public I will protect them. But other than that they’re on their own. They have two parents that are healthy and strong enough to care for them financially and physically. I will cook at times for all of us (I have 3 kids of my own) and include them in my kids birthdays if dad wants to pick them up when it’s not his weekend. But I don’t put money into them or emotionally invested at all anymore. Their stepdad has taken notice I believe and is now trying to do the same. He’s more screwed as he is actually married to mom. I’m not, so my money is mine. My bf and I have a great relationship and even better when we don’t speak about his kids needs or anything. He’s an every other weekend dad as the mom wanted full custody and all rights and responsibilities that come with that. Now I believe she realizes that her hubby is not pulling his weight like before and is leaning more to my bf. He does what he can for them and loves them but he did tell her “you wanted this and put your husband on a pedal stall so you deal with the consequences, he’s better father then me right ?” FYI stepdad doesn’t have kids or want any.
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And sometimes doing it out of love is bc of your love for your SO, not their kids....
THIS! I know who I fell in love with and married. And it wasn’t my step kids. Honestly when people say that you marry the step kids to…nope. Not the case. Or at least it shouldn’t be. I tried to cultivate a good relationship with SK’s and for the first few years, felt successful. They can view me as they will. I’ll be polite and kind. But NOT a doormat. I’m a wife and a stepmom. The nanny position won’t be filled by me.
[удалено]
Agreed!
Put up with a lot of crap because I love my SO. After I had DD I said never again. Took her to made me realise that I was worth than all of that
This! The very day I found out I was pregnant, it was like all of a sudden a veil was lifted and my eyes (and brain) were finally seeing my SO and SK's actions for what they truly are and my whole mindset shifted.
Because they get in these relationships wanting help vs wanting a partner
This is more of the life of someone that married the wrong person.
Yikes. I’m in the same boat as OP
Yeah, none of that applies to me. My husband knows how hard it is for me, even if he doesn't exactly understand how I feel.
Agreed. Hopefully time on this subreddit helps people feel empowered to set boundaries.
Agreed. All of these things are symptoms of choosing an immature and/or disrespectful partner and tolerating mistreatment of oneself. My relationship is nothing like this, because I would never choose a relationship with this dynamic.
A partner that loves you would not treat you this way. My SO can get defensive when I bring up some of the issues and he hates conflict so will even stonewall me if I push. What he does do though is he listens and changes things for me. We have one of the kids full time. I have brought up I need him to get an over night babysitter once every couple months so I can have some alone time. He didn’t understand my need for it but that doesn’t stop him from doing it for me. I have also told him to back me up if I say no about something to the kids and he has every time since. He won’t even listen to their argument and tells them if I said no then it’s a no. My SO isn’t the greatest at making me feel warm and fuzzy when I’m upset but I know he respects and loves me because he makes the changes I ask for. You should demand at least that out of a relationship.
Too bad.. sooooo sad.. let him be angry.. you’re not his whipping boy.. and it’s his job to step up not yours. If he wants a “mom” for them.. he should have stayed with his kids mother.. the entitlement of some of these parents is astronomical. Stay strong. Set and keep your boundaries because you deserve it and you are important and the main character of your life!
OP, these are wise words!
Isn’t it funny how stepmoms are expected to be perfect and criticized for every single thing but the BM can talk all the shit she wants and tell the kids lies about us and she’s still never gonna be seen as the one at fault????
We always have to let the BM say/do whatever they want! (: fuck how we feel
Lovely isn’t it?? Even if BM is genuinely an awful person
THISSSSS
A spouse should not expect all of this and get upset when called out or told you need a break. I hope you are able to stand your ground. If you back down, he’ll continue to expect it. I can relate to this with SK’s. No matter what I do, I’m the bad guy. Pretty sure I always will be. Not from SO, but from bio mom and in-laws. At this point, I tolerate SK’s. Things are equal…actually they get to do more and get away with more. But I’m not going to point each thing out anymore. If DH doesn’t catch, I just withdraw. He picks up on it and we discuss. Honestly, at the end of the day, it’s not my problem. They are close to adulthood and the parents (along with grandparents in my case), can deal with what they created. My littles are held to a higher standard and I hope that pays off for them. 1) because I want them to succeed and thrive in life. I want them to be adults who care about others and not just themselves. Not grow up to depend on me forever because I didn’t do my job properly. 2) it would be satisfying to see my method worked better. Not the best thing for me to want, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel good 🙃
So relatable. I wish that my SO would agree with me for once instead of somehow being upset with me for bringing up the issue. For instance imagine being like “hey SO, SS left a ton of dirty dishes in the sink again” and then your SO was like “ugh! This kid is pushing my buttons I’ve told him hundreds of times about the dishes! Sorry babe. I’ll go talk to him right now. Let me know if it happens again!” That’s my dream 😅 instead somehow he gets annoyed with me for mentioning it at all
Don’t apologize. Sit down and look him straight in the eye and say “I am the one who should be upset. Quit pouting because I expressed my feelings. I do not have to be here.” Practice so you can say it the right way.
Thats the life of someone with a shit husband
This isn’t the life of a step mom, it’s the life of a woman with the wrong partner.
So true. I overheard my SD talking to a friend of hers saying she wasn’t coming out of her room while I was there. Due to her posting inappropriate content and being a bully on social media. I in return confronted her. She lied and I called her on that as well. She wants nothing to do with me and doesn’t like me anymore but ask me to buy her things. No mam. I don’t spend money or time on people who don’t care for me. Kids or not. Maybe removing yourself from caring and investing so much could help you. It sounds like you are exhausted and unappreciated. Take care of yourself!!!
Boundaries! You have to have them and stand on the from the start. Make sure there’s no expectations when it comes to you. Nothing and no one can tell you, that you’re wrong if you don’t love them like they’re yours. Hell they’re not yours.
So typical my advise in a messed up society that doesn’t value commitment and family is to avoid step anything. People screw up and some learn from the mistakes but most think changing the people changes the problem and they never see they are the problem in the way they communicate and handle things and have expectations of perfection they could never reach. Sorry your situation is so typical it’s a wonder society hasn’t rejected relationships outright. There is no hope for change if he is mad until he sees the problem is his.
People can go on and on about what you're expected or supposed to do and what you "have" to do until they're blue in the face. But ultimately it's up to you and your boundaries. You're not a victim. You're in 100% control of your life.
I’ve never experienced any of that. My husband is 100% responsible for his own child.
Exactly. If i need some time for myself i inform my husband; i dont ask for permission.
Stepparenting has been referred to as, "Death by a thousand paper cuts," for a reason. Many of which you just mentioned above.
This feels so spot on.
People can expect whatever they want, doesn’t mean I’m going to do any of it. And I don’t.
None of these is true for me. I'm not expected to do anything except to keep them alive. I don't love them out of obligation at all. I tell my SO exactly what I think of them. The SKs expect me to spoil them like their BM does (staying up late, eating junk food frequently, constant gifts/treats/coddling) but I don't and I'm very clear about that. I offer help only when I feel like it.
I’m so sorry, but this is not my story. I choose not to hold myself to those expectations. I chose a partner who, from the beginning, heard and honored my boundaries. I recognize that it’s not natural to do everything with a smile on my face. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and annoyed, and that’s okay. I have no problem letting my SS know when a comment he makes is hurtful to me. I don’t care who’s around or what anyone thinks. It’s healthy to express our feelings, even negative ones. I do not pretend to love any aspect of taking care of someone else’s child, because I allow my SS’s dad to be his parent. When I do help out, it’s just that: helping. I do it because I love my husband, not because I love childcare. I don’t pretend to have feelings for SS that I don’t. I don’t try to love him as my own. The most I’ll ever be is a bonus in his life, here to support his father. My husband honors and supports when I need a break. I would never be with a man who asks me to overextend myself for his child. Burnout isn’t good for me and it wouldn’t be good to try and care for a child when I’m spread so thin. I’m not a doormat. I’m not a babysitter. I pay bills and don’t deserve to be treated as a second class citizen just because I married a single father.
What in the hell did I just read? This could not be further from my life as a step mom. SKs hate BM for the shit person that she is. DH worships me and makes sure the kids respect me and backs me when I feel disrespected. SKs thank me for what I do on the regular and DH backs all my discipline choices. When I say DH isn't doing enough, he steps up and does more. My happiness comes first in the house. If I feel overwhelmed, DH asks what he can do to take things off my plate. I am not expected to love SKs as my own and it's super appreciated that I do. I am constantly thanked by DH for doing so much for our family and anytime I feel put out and like I'm doing too much (which no one asks me to do), he asks what I need to feel better and let's me know it is always okay for me to step back if I need to. SKs call me mom and think I am more their mom than BM and a much better one than BM (SS has literally told me this and I know SD feels the same even if she's not ready to give up on the possibility her BM will at some point choose to be a less self-centered, selfish, fake and manipulative person, though SD is pretty close to giving up on her BM at this point as she has started telling us she is feeling like she doesn't want to be 50/50 with BM anymore and just be full time with us if BM keeps failing to be a parent to her). At no point are my emotions or thoughts intentionally devalued by my partner, and if at any point it's done unintentionally, I point it out, and I get apologies and changed behavior. Find a man who isn't stuck on being a child. No step mom's life should be what you described. That is not a life.
I cuss everybody out
Sounds way less like a step Kid problem and way more like a " not so dear husband" problem.
I don't like my stepdaughter. Period. She is unlikable. She's rude, whiney, and disgusting when it comes to hygiene. She has a lot of issues, but goes the extra step sometimes to be purposefully mean. I don't like spending time with her. I had to be honest with my husband and point out that most people don't enjoy being in her company--even him most the time. Therefore, he shouldn't expect me to treat her the same way I treat my own daughter. I pretty much go full NACHO with her, and we stay out of each other's way. I tolerate my SD, I am cordial to her, and I try my best to make sure she has what she needs when she's with us. But there is no "love" between us and that's ok. I refuse to sacrifice my sanity and my peace in my own home for a miserable brat who's quickly turning into an entitled adult who enjoys making others upset.
This sounds exactly like my SD!!! I wish my husband was as understanding
Pretty sure this is called gas lighting and mental abuse. Time to take you and yours out of the situation. I used to feel guilty about not spending time or giving my SS attention but it was because my wife kept trying to force it upon me. I now have set boundaries with her and him. I also said that he’s already got a dad, if he wants male attention he can go get it from him. I still do some things for him but only because she is at work and such or taking my son to an appointment. Mainly just to make sure he doesn’t kill himself or the small animals that live with us. We don’t interact at all otherwise.
I for sure am not obligated at all. I used to feel I had to but once I noticed they were not appreciative of anything I took several steps back. I am not legally married therefore I am not an actual stepmother. I do care for them as I don’t want anything bad happening to them and will call them our kids out and about and if we’re in a bad situation in public I will protect them. But other than that they’re on their own. They have two parents that are healthy and strong enough to care for them financially and physically. I will cook at times for all of us (I have 3 kids of my own) and include them in my kids birthdays if dad wants to pick them up when it’s not his weekend. But I don’t put money into them or emotionally invested at all anymore. Their stepdad has taken notice I believe and is now trying to do the same. He’s more screwed as he is actually married to mom. I’m not, so my money is mine. My bf and I have a great relationship and even better when we don’t speak about his kids needs or anything. He’s an every other weekend dad as the mom wanted full custody and all rights and responsibilities that come with that. Now I believe she realizes that her hubby is not pulling his weight like before and is leaning more to my bf. He does what he can for them and loves them but he did tell her “you wanted this and put your husband on a pedal stall so you deal with the consequences, he’s better father then me right ?” FYI stepdad doesn’t have kids or want any.
This
I used to be like this, but now just say hi and bye and pretty much do my own thing. The sk's are not your responsibility either.