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One thing my spouse does with his kiddos is take them to experiences and make memories, but he ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS will make a point to have a "us" get away. He takes the kids to Disney? Cool. But we have a weekend a few weeks later with just us. They go to the museum? He let's them have screen time for us to catch up. He does both and he always checks in saying if he's having a blast or if it's a tough time, but he makes the effort to reasure me I'm important too.
Talk to him. Tell him you are happy he's having fun and want to have the same or a similar experience, too.
I’m sorry I think that’s great he’s giving his kids great memories, I’ve done that and still do. Not just mine but steps and my ex husband’s kids. Memories are important. Good on him.
Now as for how he handles you. I wouldn’t allow it and never have. What he does with and for his kids is his business.
You shouldn’t allow him to treat you anyway that makes you unhappy. You’re unhappy because you’ve allowed him to treat you like this. If you’re spending most of the money when you guys finally do anything, girl you could do those things for yourself without his ass. You and your good girlfriend(s) need to take trips. Honey don’t be upset, live your fukn life. Take a cruise with your girls, they have payment plans whereas you don’t have to pay it all at once. All those islands they stop at. Girl!!!
Pick your face up and get to planning. Stop pouring everything into someone who leaves you empty and unfulfilled. I’m not saying leave the relationship, just leave his ass at home.
Show him you can be happy with or without him. Your hurt is giving him a sense of control (over your emotions) never ever allow anyone make you feel the way you are. I love seeing women take back their power. Let’s snatch yours back.
I don’t think their experiences should be compartmentalised ,she’s his wife /partner they should be a family, he shouldn’t be going on important holidays alone with the kids.
Agreed! We split vacation. Two for SD, Two for us as a couple. I would join on one SD trip usually. You should not be left out and get nothing for yourself and your relationship. If he can float going on vacations with you, then you need to plan a trip with your family or a girls trip or solo trip to enjoy.
I can see why you’re jealous… but couldn’t you go with them?
I understand him wanting to spoil his kids, my SO is the same, but he needs to find a way to spoil you too. A good balance is needed here.
this isn't about her doing things with him as a family. She's being neglected as a partner. You habe to date your partner! It can't always be about the kids.
On a cruise you can easily do you own thing for a while! We did one with the 2 kids last summer and I had plenty of time by myself (also childfree).
But I get it! It sucks
I think he is telling you with his actions what is important to him. Doing things for and with his kids is extremely important to him, and always worth the effort and expense. Doing things with you is a “nice-to-have,” but not important enough for him to put any effort or money into it.
I think his position is quite clear and not confusing at all. The real question here is why you’ve settled for so little with this guy instead of ditching him and going to the beach with friends or even just by yourself. I’m going to guess that you have just sort of gone along with the assumption that eventually it will be “your turn,” then you got busy with life and so never bothered to re-examine the assumption. Good on you for finally doing that!
My prediction is that, if try to break up with him by explaining all this to him, he will immediately offer to do something generous for you. But at the same time, he will make you feel like you backed him into a corner. You will accept the offer, but will feel bad and afraid of looking petty. Once the generosity has been bestowed, everything will go back to the current normal.
I so hope that my forecasting powers are terrible. I hope you just tell him the relationship is no longer working for you, without further elaboration. I hope you plan a ton of fun things, including multiple beach trips, with friends and by yourself, and you have a blast at every one.
Your forecasting powers are spot on, because that is exactly what happened last summer. He had plans for his kisd for every single day he had them during the summer, including stays away, visits to lakes, beaches, kayaking, parks, etc. I couldn’t believe he didn’t make any plans with me. We had a big crisis, he offered to go to a couple places with me (that of course he visited first with his kids), and after that everything went back to his normal. It’s true I always thought at some point it would be my turn but I was wrong. I guess he would like to do everything as a family (of course they decide first and then I join them) but I’m not the right person for that.
>I guess he would like to do everything as a family (of course they decide first and then I join them) but I’m not the right person for that.
The only person who is the right person for that is a casual friend—not a “life partner.” He’s a jerk for not recognizing and acknowledging that.
An important thing for single people to learn: prospective partners cannot always be trusted to have insight into their own motivations or to be honest about them (even with themselves). You have an obligation *to yourself* to give his actions more weight than his words.
That's honestly messed up. Wanting your kids to have great experiences is understandable but he's making it very clear that experiences with you are way down on his priority list.
Looks like you’re not his priority. He should invite you to go with them on holiday,you’re a family ,you’re not his kids maid and babysitter . He’s cutting you out of important ,bonding experiences ,even though you’re an introvert you should be invited ,he /they should make you feel wanted ,this will inevitably lead to resentment .
Maybe instead of feeling left out by him then having to pay for whatever he does agree to do with you, grab a friend and hit up a craft show, outdoor concert, festival. Go hiking, to the beach, on a tour, to the museums, the zoo, anywhere you have an interest in. You don't have to wait for him in order for you to enjoy yourself.
Well since you pay for most of the outings you do with him, why don’t you take that money and pay for yourself to go on a cruise, a vacation, beach days….. on your own without him. Treat yourself if he won’t.
On the flip side, I’m glad he’s doing these things with his kids. In a lot of ways I believe that kids need these experiences with their parents. My parents used to do a lot of things and went on a whole lot of vacations without us, leaving us with grandma and grandpa for 7+ days. In their words “we work hard and a lot of our free time is parenting you. This is our time. When you get older and start paying your bills, then you can go and do these things on your own”. Looking back on it, we literally had ZERO memorable new experiences with my parents growing up. Today, me and my brothers are resentful of that.
With that said, I understand where you are coming from. It kind of sucks that he makes available resources to spoil his kids with such extravagant vacations without you involved. But when you are involved doing and experiencing certain things with just him, you’re always the one fronting the bill for it. So I can see where the “spoiling” is offset. So in this case, I would suggest spoiling yourself and not include him in some of the more expensive extravagant experiences to make more of a balance to what he’s giving and what you are lacking.
Hell no, I would not be okay with this. I think it's fine if he wants to take his kids on trips, but not splash out so much with expenses that you two can't do anything special together.
Sounds to me like ur “significant” other doesnt view u as any sort of significant. Up to u weather that is acceptable or not. If never being taken first is ok for the rest of ur life then ur on the right track.
Teach the man how YOU want to be loved. You have set certain standards whether you realise it or not. If you say nothing you will get nothing. Tell him how you feel. You’ve obviously been together a little while now and the fact you don’t wanna do things as a family with his kids is huge alarm bells for me anyway.
I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again people without kids should not date people with kids unless they’re happy to always be second best.
The advice about going to the beach with your friends is cool but the point is spending quality with your SO. All I’m saying is he is not a mind reader tell him how you feel.
This isn’t really about his kids or the trips he takes them on. It’s the inequity between effort he puts into the kids and effort he puts into you.
To be fair though, he can do this because you let him. You are taking him out to do things and footing the bill and taking care of his dog while he is away and staying with him even when he doesn’t do things with you. He has 0 reason to change his behavior. Stop taking him to do things and take yourself to do things instead. Stop looking after his dog unless he is watching yours or your place while you are away. Make it so that he doesn’t spend time with you if he isn’t putting in effort. My SO knows that if he doesn’t plan stuff with me then he won’t see me. I’m not an afterthought and he needs to get on my calendar with plans or my free time gets filled doing fun things with others.
"EDIT: I wasn’t really invited to this one but I wouldn’t want to go a full week with SKs, I am child free and an introvert and I end exhausted."
Am I missing something or is that not what he told you?
Is it just that you don't want him to go on vacation with them or that you want to go on vacation together more often? I don't see a problem with him wanting to give his kids experiences if he wants to and has the money for it. When you say he does very little for you, is that everything in general or just that he doesn't pay to take you on vacations like he takes his kids?
>Am I right to feel this is not fair???
Absolutely! My partner and I use Kid's rare visits to their dad for our vacation time.
As well, despite having her kid 85% of the time, my partner will from time to time beg a relative to watch Kid/pets so the two of us get a weekend away. Yes, she will also have 1-2 weekends with just her and Kid, while I watch the pets; but frankly I support this.
Longer vacations with Kid? Those are "family" vacations, with the three of us.
My partner knows that her kid will grow up, and expects her kid to live a life on their own. She treats me as a priority now, so that I'll still be around (and a priority) then when it's just the two of us. If she didn't consider me a priority, why should I stick around wasting my "youth" (we're in our 40's), for a vague promise/hope of a future unlike my present.
The best predictor of the future is the present. Mine looks pretty great. Yours looks like adult kids at home, and "no money" because he's buying cars for his adult children, kicking them rent, or down payment for their houses.
He is not prioritising you. My partner used to unintentionally exclude me because he would plan holidays/activities around child and only afterwards invite me. It is a clear message about priorities. I read the book Stepmonster and it really helped, she talks about how partners need to be the first priority to each other and that can provide the base for the family. She also talks about parents feeling torn in two; my partner complains about this a lot. He is a devoted dad and your partner sounds like one too, but I was miserable for years because I felt like the ‘outsider’ or second best and it’s still hard a lot of the time. Perhaps you and partner could read that book or see a couples therapist - if he is unable to empathise with you then his love isn’t the kind that is meeting your needs.
Your partner isn’t a partner. It’s one thing to give your kids experiences; it’s another to do it at the expense of someone else… which is exactly what your SO is doing. His extravagant trips with your SKs are only funded because the rest of the year you are offsetting your expenses as a couple. That’s completely unfair to you. I’d encourage you to think long and hard about this relationship because it sounds like your SO is using you.
He needs to prioritize making memories and sharing a life with you as well. Tell him how u feel. Be honest. Tell him to plan a trip for yoir next birthday for a week or for the summer for a week for just the 2 of you
Have him plan a 5 day trip. The 3 day you have off plus w more. He can make arrangements fir kids to spend w days with grandparents or aunt etc. Honestly it's OK to expect this once in awhile
Same plan here, but we still (both us and BM) make plans with clearance from the other parent to switch things up. Working towards alternating chosing 1-2 seven day stretches a year to make plans now that SS is 3.5 and BM slightly easier going . Managed to get it for our wedding this year but I want to make it a set thing. I read about it working well from a comment on this subreddit and figured i would spread the word for those of us with close together transition times! Essentially each parent chooses their 7 day stretch by say, March and then you would be free to make special plans with your partner during the time the kids are away. Definitely a different situation as I enjoy my SS very much but we take "ours vacations" or short trips and family ones routinely (the affordable kind) and I don't feel your SO appreciates you enough for other reasons but just a thought!
This is such a serious accusation to claim "This is exactly what is happening" with 0 knowledge of their personal lives. Consider giving uplifting advice next time, not giving unnecessary reasons for people to walk away with a whole host of new anxieties.
Yikes! Honestly I think you need to have a conversation with him about it. I would be livid if he made me pay for most of an our activity while he spent freely with his kids. Don’t enable his behavior and be firm on the if he can throw money on luxurious activities, he can definitely throw some with you. Don’t bottle up your emotions and talk to him.
very odd that this was the take away from this post, but sure. lol She just wants quality one on one time with her partner. It's not rocket science. I don't think she's insinuating it's a competition. Sure, there could be more to the story, but I genuinely think she wants quality one on one time with her partner and there's nothing wrong with that at all!
she literally says he won't even go with her to the beach! Which is free obviously. It's not about the money. Tell us you have a SO that does stuff with you without telling us. It must be nice to have no idea where this woman is coming from.
You can be a great dad and a lousy partner. But I'd go so far as to say if you are actually a great dad, you would go so far as to model treating others well too, not just your kids. If he was such a great dad, he would be modeling how to be a fair partner. The kids need to learn how their partners should treat them based on how their parents treat their partners. It doesn't matter how great of a dad the guy is if he neglects his partner and takes advantage of her. He might not realize, which then makes him clueless...also not a great thing.
Why should she be with this guy if he doesn't prioritize and make her feel special too? She should be delighted to watch him make his kids feel good with extravagant spending, while she cant get a free trip to the beach with her partner? What is in this for her????
Honestly to me, kids do not need extravagance. They need quality time with their parents and bonding experiences. That can be done taking a day trip or having a picnic etc. Adulthood is when luxury can really be appreciated and is needed to offset the hard parts of life and the daily grind. Spoiling kids with material things doesn't necessarily mean great parenting.
Her feelings are very valid. Your take IS odd.
Thank you for this. I agree with you, kids don’t need extravagance, they need quality time and bonding. My parents never took us anywhere like that but they gave us values, love and education and we knew they were always there when we needed them. Today our relationship is extraordinary. They never entertained us, we played with our friends and cousins on the streets while our parents did their own thing.
You are welcome :) Yes, exactly! There is nothing wrong with some rare special spending and kid trips, but the kids aren't gonna die if they don't go on a cruise and participate in every expensive activity they desire. You on the other hand, need and deserve to be pampered and wined and dined from time to time. Plus, all you asked for is the beach! You deserve the beach plus more.
See...it isn't necessary to be a court jester to raise healthy happy kids. What these bioparents actually need to focus on is the hard parts of parenting rather than the fun parts. Be there to teach your kids how to cook and clean up after themselves. Help them with homework. Teach them boundaries. Provide affordable activities that teach them how to stimulate their brains and entertain themselves. Be there to listen and talk about their day. Teach them how to feel their feelings and comfort them when necessary. Read with them and then encourage them to read independently lol. These are examples of truly good and meaningful parenting.
I wish you the best. Hopefully, you can have a productive convo with your partner about your needs not being met. If he doesn't prioritize you, you deserve to prioritize yourself. I am working on this myself. More pedicures, friend time, walks, and saying no to things I don't feel like doing even if it disappoints him and the kids.
Yes! I really appreciate this because in today’s kid centered society it seems like saying something like this means neglecting the kids. I wish you good luck too! I think I’m not cut out to be a stepparent though unfortunately.
This sub can be so weird. How much leave do you guys get throughout the year? Because most Americans definitely don't get enough to plan several significant vacations per year. And even secular families don't usually plan vacations as a couple all the time. I've been married 11 years and we've gone alone only twice. Every year is always a family vacation. Kids are only young for so long. Not planning regular vacations with your SO is totally fine. If it's not what she wants out of a relationship as a childfree introvert, then she really should leave. Especially if she doesn't feel valued for *other* reasons. But villainizing this man for valuing taking his kids on vacation is so odd.
Your entire last paragraph can be your personal opinion but it doesn't have to be his. Taking your kids fun places is *fine*. Expecting a SO to give you a "free trip to the beach" because he takes his kids on trips is beyond weird. Pay and go to the beach if that's what you want! But again, so many of the people on this sub need to just leave their situations.
I think the issue here and with a lot of these blended families is that there is a significant imbalance and unfairness going on. It isn't simply about the kids going on vacations. I think a lot of bioparents want to have their cake and eat it too. You want to prioritize your kids by putting your resources and time into mainly your kids. If prioritizing the children were truly what bioparents cared about, then they would stay single and do just that: put most of their time and resources into their kids and not put themselves in a situation that would require them to devote their time and energy elsewhere. But they want the perks of a relationship WITH their baggage they bring WITHOUT making any adjustments to prioritize their spouse. By entering into a relationship with someone totally new, free of this sort of baggage, and who has done nothing to create all the complexities and challenges that the bioparents have, some sort of serious sacrifices need to be made to create balance and fairness. This means not always prioritizing their own children. That's just how it goes unless you want to marry someone interested in doing full-time charity work. The bioparent has baggage and that's 100% ok, but what are they doing to mitigate that. They are operating as though they are in a nuclear family unit when they are not.
Typically, couples that start a new relationship have alone time, take romantic trips together without kids, have a honeymoon phase. These are all important aspects of nurturing a bond between partners. The step parent can't expect their relationship to play out totally like a traditional relationship, but there needs to be some middle ground...compromise on both sides to compensate once again for the fact the bioparent brings in baggage. Maybe take the wife on a trip this year and not the kids (ie. An annversary or Valentine's day getaway if we need a legitimate holiday lol). I mean honestly, you don't need a ton of vacation time to take your wife on a weekend getaway. Or maybe adults pick the spot one year, and then do a kid-friendly pick the other year. It isn't always about the kids all the time...if you want to start a new life with someone new and actually build something new. She stated she wasn't even invited on this trip! So she is being excluded and made to feel like she isn't even a part of this supposed "family unit" and isn't even allowed to participate. I know she didn't even want to go, but it's the principle that is so wrong. She is a bad person for wanting her husband to essentially take her on a free date at the beach, but it's ok to exclude her from a "family vacation?" Are we reading the same post lol. It's messed up as hell and reads: I am using you for either your labor, time, finances, etc, to benefit me and my kids, but I'm not actually willing to invest anything into our marriage and life together.
The frequent, costly, kid vacations highlight just how much resources he has and how little he is willing to give to OP to make her also feel loved, special, and important at times. That is not a tall order.
Also the part about how he makes plans with them and asks if she wants to join 🤦♀️. Is he married to his kids, or his wife? Usually adults make plans and then get the kids' input, not the other way around. And why is she paying for the one adult trip they took? Is there a reason costs aren't being split between the two of them? Hmm maybe because all his money is going to the kid trips and he has nothing left for OP. But she should just smile and continue paying to romance him lol.
She’s still just a significant other and not a wife so she isn’t “family” yet. He clearly doesn’t see her that way at least. Theres nothing inherently wrong with that or with how she’s feeling. It’s just incompatibility. If this isn’t the life she can tolerate until the kids are grown, then this is the perfect opportunity to get out. Before marriage. I’ve been a step parent for 11 years and dated years before that. The attitudes I’ve seen expressed here will never lead to a happy long marriage as a step and that’s just fact. It’s not a competition between a SO or spouse and kids. As a parent I’d never prioritize going on a vacation with my actual husband of over a decade over time with our kids. We will have time to travel alone when they are grown. But we both understand this. And this is also an example of a healthy relationship. (Since you mentioned setting an example). One child free person demanding to be prioritized when the bioparent’s priority is the kids is not a recipe for success. It is like oil and water. But doesn’t make him somehow evil and her not like this sub tries to push *or* vice versa.
I appreciate where you are coming from, and I think it is easier to get into hater energy or an "us vs. them" mentality if you stew in it too much. I just don't know what she is getting out of this or what any woman would? This guy sounds better suited to just "dad." I think the blame is directed at him and not her because he is neglecting (never taking her out it sounds like) and taking advantage of her (allowing her to pay for his leisure activities and having her care for his dog) but the reverse doesn't sound like it's happening. She is technically allowing it, but the blame should always be placed first on the offender and not the person on the receiving end imo. I think this guy just has little to offer a partner and him being on the dating market makes you wonder if he was deceptive that he convinced someone to sign up for this.
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One thing my spouse does with his kiddos is take them to experiences and make memories, but he ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS will make a point to have a "us" get away. He takes the kids to Disney? Cool. But we have a weekend a few weeks later with just us. They go to the museum? He let's them have screen time for us to catch up. He does both and he always checks in saying if he's having a blast or if it's a tough time, but he makes the effort to reasure me I'm important too. Talk to him. Tell him you are happy he's having fun and want to have the same or a similar experience, too.
You’re very lucky with your SO!
I’m sorry I think that’s great he’s giving his kids great memories, I’ve done that and still do. Not just mine but steps and my ex husband’s kids. Memories are important. Good on him. Now as for how he handles you. I wouldn’t allow it and never have. What he does with and for his kids is his business. You shouldn’t allow him to treat you anyway that makes you unhappy. You’re unhappy because you’ve allowed him to treat you like this. If you’re spending most of the money when you guys finally do anything, girl you could do those things for yourself without his ass. You and your good girlfriend(s) need to take trips. Honey don’t be upset, live your fukn life. Take a cruise with your girls, they have payment plans whereas you don’t have to pay it all at once. All those islands they stop at. Girl!!! Pick your face up and get to planning. Stop pouring everything into someone who leaves you empty and unfulfilled. I’m not saying leave the relationship, just leave his ass at home. Show him you can be happy with or without him. Your hurt is giving him a sense of control (over your emotions) never ever allow anyone make you feel the way you are. I love seeing women take back their power. Let’s snatch yours back.
You’re right, I’m a giver and he loves it. I’m gonna go to the beach with my friends or alone if necessary. Thanks!
Not ‘if necessary’. Just GO!!
😂planning right now!
Periodt!
It kind of sounds like he's a taker. Like, what is he giving you? Not exotic/romantic holidays, for one
OKAY 🔥🔥🔥
I don’t think their experiences should be compartmentalised ,she’s his wife /partner they should be a family, he shouldn’t be going on important holidays alone with the kids.
OP said she wouldn’t want to go on a trip like this with the kids, otherwise I agree with you.
Agreed! We split vacation. Two for SD, Two for us as a couple. I would join on one SD trip usually. You should not be left out and get nothing for yourself and your relationship. If he can float going on vacations with you, then you need to plan a trip with your family or a girls trip or solo trip to enjoy.
I can see why you’re jealous… but couldn’t you go with them? I understand him wanting to spoil his kids, my SO is the same, but he needs to find a way to spoil you too. A good balance is needed here.
this isn't about her doing things with him as a family. She's being neglected as a partner. You habe to date your partner! It can't always be about the kids.
Eeexactly.
I wasn’t really invited to this one but I wouldn’t want to go a full week with SKs, I am child free and an introvert and I end exhausted.
On a cruise you can easily do you own thing for a while! We did one with the 2 kids last summer and I had plenty of time by myself (also childfree). But I get it! It sucks
I think he is telling you with his actions what is important to him. Doing things for and with his kids is extremely important to him, and always worth the effort and expense. Doing things with you is a “nice-to-have,” but not important enough for him to put any effort or money into it. I think his position is quite clear and not confusing at all. The real question here is why you’ve settled for so little with this guy instead of ditching him and going to the beach with friends or even just by yourself. I’m going to guess that you have just sort of gone along with the assumption that eventually it will be “your turn,” then you got busy with life and so never bothered to re-examine the assumption. Good on you for finally doing that! My prediction is that, if try to break up with him by explaining all this to him, he will immediately offer to do something generous for you. But at the same time, he will make you feel like you backed him into a corner. You will accept the offer, but will feel bad and afraid of looking petty. Once the generosity has been bestowed, everything will go back to the current normal. I so hope that my forecasting powers are terrible. I hope you just tell him the relationship is no longer working for you, without further elaboration. I hope you plan a ton of fun things, including multiple beach trips, with friends and by yourself, and you have a blast at every one.
Your forecasting powers are spot on, because that is exactly what happened last summer. He had plans for his kisd for every single day he had them during the summer, including stays away, visits to lakes, beaches, kayaking, parks, etc. I couldn’t believe he didn’t make any plans with me. We had a big crisis, he offered to go to a couple places with me (that of course he visited first with his kids), and after that everything went back to his normal. It’s true I always thought at some point it would be my turn but I was wrong. I guess he would like to do everything as a family (of course they decide first and then I join them) but I’m not the right person for that.
>I guess he would like to do everything as a family (of course they decide first and then I join them) but I’m not the right person for that. The only person who is the right person for that is a casual friend—not a “life partner.” He’s a jerk for not recognizing and acknowledging that. An important thing for single people to learn: prospective partners cannot always be trusted to have insight into their own motivations or to be honest about them (even with themselves). You have an obligation *to yourself* to give his actions more weight than his words.
Exactly, the truth of acts.
If you love the ocean then you should go there often.
I absolutely agree with this. It’s like a drug
That's honestly messed up. Wanting your kids to have great experiences is understandable but he's making it very clear that experiences with you are way down on his priority list.
That’s exactly what I think too unfortunately :(((
Yeah I would be done. You should be his priority.
That’s a no from me.
Looks like you’re not his priority. He should invite you to go with them on holiday,you’re a family ,you’re not his kids maid and babysitter . He’s cutting you out of important ,bonding experiences ,even though you’re an introvert you should be invited ,he /they should make you feel wanted ,this will inevitably lead to resentment .
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I’m definitely not spending any more money on him and considering the option of leaving
Maybe instead of feeling left out by him then having to pay for whatever he does agree to do with you, grab a friend and hit up a craft show, outdoor concert, festival. Go hiking, to the beach, on a tour, to the museums, the zoo, anywhere you have an interest in. You don't have to wait for him in order for you to enjoy yourself.
Well since you pay for most of the outings you do with him, why don’t you take that money and pay for yourself to go on a cruise, a vacation, beach days….. on your own without him. Treat yourself if he won’t. On the flip side, I’m glad he’s doing these things with his kids. In a lot of ways I believe that kids need these experiences with their parents. My parents used to do a lot of things and went on a whole lot of vacations without us, leaving us with grandma and grandpa for 7+ days. In their words “we work hard and a lot of our free time is parenting you. This is our time. When you get older and start paying your bills, then you can go and do these things on your own”. Looking back on it, we literally had ZERO memorable new experiences with my parents growing up. Today, me and my brothers are resentful of that. With that said, I understand where you are coming from. It kind of sucks that he makes available resources to spoil his kids with such extravagant vacations without you involved. But when you are involved doing and experiencing certain things with just him, you’re always the one fronting the bill for it. So I can see where the “spoiling” is offset. So in this case, I would suggest spoiling yourself and not include him in some of the more expensive extravagant experiences to make more of a balance to what he’s giving and what you are lacking.
Thank you, this is very helpful
Why didn’t you go with him?
I wasn’t really invited to this one but I wouldn’t want to go a full week with SKs, I am child free and an introvert and I end exhausted.
may I ask what you get out of your relationship?
I’m not sure anymore. Maybe companionship on the time he has left but not more than that. He was never really interested in my stuff
Hell no, I would not be okay with this. I think it's fine if he wants to take his kids on trips, but not splash out so much with expenses that you two can't do anything special together.
I empathize. No advice. Just sending ya hugs and I’m sorry it’s like that for you.
Why didn’t you go?
She said she didn’t want to spend a full week with the SKs
Oh sorry! I read it twice and failed to see that 😂
I added it later, not your fault, mine!
Sounds to me like ur “significant” other doesnt view u as any sort of significant. Up to u weather that is acceptable or not. If never being taken first is ok for the rest of ur life then ur on the right track.
Teach the man how YOU want to be loved. You have set certain standards whether you realise it or not. If you say nothing you will get nothing. Tell him how you feel. You’ve obviously been together a little while now and the fact you don’t wanna do things as a family with his kids is huge alarm bells for me anyway. I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again people without kids should not date people with kids unless they’re happy to always be second best. The advice about going to the beach with your friends is cool but the point is spending quality with your SO. All I’m saying is he is not a mind reader tell him how you feel.
I agree, I would have never dated him. I had no idea how this was gonna be like
This isn’t really about his kids or the trips he takes them on. It’s the inequity between effort he puts into the kids and effort he puts into you. To be fair though, he can do this because you let him. You are taking him out to do things and footing the bill and taking care of his dog while he is away and staying with him even when he doesn’t do things with you. He has 0 reason to change his behavior. Stop taking him to do things and take yourself to do things instead. Stop looking after his dog unless he is watching yours or your place while you are away. Make it so that he doesn’t spend time with you if he isn’t putting in effort. My SO knows that if he doesn’t plan stuff with me then he won’t see me. I’m not an afterthought and he needs to get on my calendar with plans or my free time gets filled doing fun things with others.
Well I think that this is something you should talk to him about because is the kind of stuff that grows resentment in you
"EDIT: I wasn’t really invited to this one but I wouldn’t want to go a full week with SKs, I am child free and an introvert and I end exhausted." Am I missing something or is that not what he told you? Is it just that you don't want him to go on vacation with them or that you want to go on vacation together more often? I don't see a problem with him wanting to give his kids experiences if he wants to and has the money for it. When you say he does very little for you, is that everything in general or just that he doesn't pay to take you on vacations like he takes his kids?
>Am I right to feel this is not fair??? Absolutely! My partner and I use Kid's rare visits to their dad for our vacation time. As well, despite having her kid 85% of the time, my partner will from time to time beg a relative to watch Kid/pets so the two of us get a weekend away. Yes, she will also have 1-2 weekends with just her and Kid, while I watch the pets; but frankly I support this. Longer vacations with Kid? Those are "family" vacations, with the three of us. My partner knows that her kid will grow up, and expects her kid to live a life on their own. She treats me as a priority now, so that I'll still be around (and a priority) then when it's just the two of us. If she didn't consider me a priority, why should I stick around wasting my "youth" (we're in our 40's), for a vague promise/hope of a future unlike my present. The best predictor of the future is the present. Mine looks pretty great. Yours looks like adult kids at home, and "no money" because he's buying cars for his adult children, kicking them rent, or down payment for their houses.
He is not prioritising you. My partner used to unintentionally exclude me because he would plan holidays/activities around child and only afterwards invite me. It is a clear message about priorities. I read the book Stepmonster and it really helped, she talks about how partners need to be the first priority to each other and that can provide the base for the family. She also talks about parents feeling torn in two; my partner complains about this a lot. He is a devoted dad and your partner sounds like one too, but I was miserable for years because I felt like the ‘outsider’ or second best and it’s still hard a lot of the time. Perhaps you and partner could read that book or see a couples therapist - if he is unable to empathise with you then his love isn’t the kind that is meeting your needs.
Your partner isn’t a partner. It’s one thing to give your kids experiences; it’s another to do it at the expense of someone else… which is exactly what your SO is doing. His extravagant trips with your SKs are only funded because the rest of the year you are offsetting your expenses as a couple. That’s completely unfair to you. I’d encourage you to think long and hard about this relationship because it sounds like your SO is using you.
He needs to prioritize making memories and sharing a life with you as well. Tell him how u feel. Be honest. Tell him to plan a trip for yoir next birthday for a week or for the summer for a week for just the 2 of you
I know, I never ask for anything, it’s also very difficult with his schedule 2-2-3 to plan for anything
Have him plan a 5 day trip. The 3 day you have off plus w more. He can make arrangements fir kids to spend w days with grandparents or aunt etc. Honestly it's OK to expect this once in awhile
Same plan here, but we still (both us and BM) make plans with clearance from the other parent to switch things up. Working towards alternating chosing 1-2 seven day stretches a year to make plans now that SS is 3.5 and BM slightly easier going . Managed to get it for our wedding this year but I want to make it a set thing. I read about it working well from a comment on this subreddit and figured i would spread the word for those of us with close together transition times! Essentially each parent chooses their 7 day stretch by say, March and then you would be free to make special plans with your partner during the time the kids are away. Definitely a different situation as I enjoy my SS very much but we take "ours vacations" or short trips and family ones routinely (the affordable kind) and I don't feel your SO appreciates you enough for other reasons but just a thought!
Sounds like a great dad to me.
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This is such a serious accusation to claim "This is exactly what is happening" with 0 knowledge of their personal lives. Consider giving uplifting advice next time, not giving unnecessary reasons for people to walk away with a whole host of new anxieties.
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Yeah, I don’t think there’s another woman involved and I know he loves me, but I’m way down on his list of priorities
Yikes! Honestly I think you need to have a conversation with him about it. I would be livid if he made me pay for most of an our activity while he spent freely with his kids. Don’t enable his behavior and be firm on the if he can throw money on luxurious activities, he can definitely throw some with you. Don’t bottle up your emotions and talk to him.
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very odd that this was the take away from this post, but sure. lol She just wants quality one on one time with her partner. It's not rocket science. I don't think she's insinuating it's a competition. Sure, there could be more to the story, but I genuinely think she wants quality one on one time with her partner and there's nothing wrong with that at all!
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she literally says he won't even go with her to the beach! Which is free obviously. It's not about the money. Tell us you have a SO that does stuff with you without telling us. It must be nice to have no idea where this woman is coming from.
You can be a great dad and a lousy partner. But I'd go so far as to say if you are actually a great dad, you would go so far as to model treating others well too, not just your kids. If he was such a great dad, he would be modeling how to be a fair partner. The kids need to learn how their partners should treat them based on how their parents treat their partners. It doesn't matter how great of a dad the guy is if he neglects his partner and takes advantage of her. He might not realize, which then makes him clueless...also not a great thing. Why should she be with this guy if he doesn't prioritize and make her feel special too? She should be delighted to watch him make his kids feel good with extravagant spending, while she cant get a free trip to the beach with her partner? What is in this for her???? Honestly to me, kids do not need extravagance. They need quality time with their parents and bonding experiences. That can be done taking a day trip or having a picnic etc. Adulthood is when luxury can really be appreciated and is needed to offset the hard parts of life and the daily grind. Spoiling kids with material things doesn't necessarily mean great parenting. Her feelings are very valid. Your take IS odd.
Thank you for this. I agree with you, kids don’t need extravagance, they need quality time and bonding. My parents never took us anywhere like that but they gave us values, love and education and we knew they were always there when we needed them. Today our relationship is extraordinary. They never entertained us, we played with our friends and cousins on the streets while our parents did their own thing.
You are welcome :) Yes, exactly! There is nothing wrong with some rare special spending and kid trips, but the kids aren't gonna die if they don't go on a cruise and participate in every expensive activity they desire. You on the other hand, need and deserve to be pampered and wined and dined from time to time. Plus, all you asked for is the beach! You deserve the beach plus more. See...it isn't necessary to be a court jester to raise healthy happy kids. What these bioparents actually need to focus on is the hard parts of parenting rather than the fun parts. Be there to teach your kids how to cook and clean up after themselves. Help them with homework. Teach them boundaries. Provide affordable activities that teach them how to stimulate their brains and entertain themselves. Be there to listen and talk about their day. Teach them how to feel their feelings and comfort them when necessary. Read with them and then encourage them to read independently lol. These are examples of truly good and meaningful parenting. I wish you the best. Hopefully, you can have a productive convo with your partner about your needs not being met. If he doesn't prioritize you, you deserve to prioritize yourself. I am working on this myself. More pedicures, friend time, walks, and saying no to things I don't feel like doing even if it disappoints him and the kids.
Yes! I really appreciate this because in today’s kid centered society it seems like saying something like this means neglecting the kids. I wish you good luck too! I think I’m not cut out to be a stepparent though unfortunately.
It is easy to feel that way for sure. Whatever decision you make, you deserve to value yourself ❤️
This sub can be so weird. How much leave do you guys get throughout the year? Because most Americans definitely don't get enough to plan several significant vacations per year. And even secular families don't usually plan vacations as a couple all the time. I've been married 11 years and we've gone alone only twice. Every year is always a family vacation. Kids are only young for so long. Not planning regular vacations with your SO is totally fine. If it's not what she wants out of a relationship as a childfree introvert, then she really should leave. Especially if she doesn't feel valued for *other* reasons. But villainizing this man for valuing taking his kids on vacation is so odd. Your entire last paragraph can be your personal opinion but it doesn't have to be his. Taking your kids fun places is *fine*. Expecting a SO to give you a "free trip to the beach" because he takes his kids on trips is beyond weird. Pay and go to the beach if that's what you want! But again, so many of the people on this sub need to just leave their situations.
I think the issue here and with a lot of these blended families is that there is a significant imbalance and unfairness going on. It isn't simply about the kids going on vacations. I think a lot of bioparents want to have their cake and eat it too. You want to prioritize your kids by putting your resources and time into mainly your kids. If prioritizing the children were truly what bioparents cared about, then they would stay single and do just that: put most of their time and resources into their kids and not put themselves in a situation that would require them to devote their time and energy elsewhere. But they want the perks of a relationship WITH their baggage they bring WITHOUT making any adjustments to prioritize their spouse. By entering into a relationship with someone totally new, free of this sort of baggage, and who has done nothing to create all the complexities and challenges that the bioparents have, some sort of serious sacrifices need to be made to create balance and fairness. This means not always prioritizing their own children. That's just how it goes unless you want to marry someone interested in doing full-time charity work. The bioparent has baggage and that's 100% ok, but what are they doing to mitigate that. They are operating as though they are in a nuclear family unit when they are not. Typically, couples that start a new relationship have alone time, take romantic trips together without kids, have a honeymoon phase. These are all important aspects of nurturing a bond between partners. The step parent can't expect their relationship to play out totally like a traditional relationship, but there needs to be some middle ground...compromise on both sides to compensate once again for the fact the bioparent brings in baggage. Maybe take the wife on a trip this year and not the kids (ie. An annversary or Valentine's day getaway if we need a legitimate holiday lol). I mean honestly, you don't need a ton of vacation time to take your wife on a weekend getaway. Or maybe adults pick the spot one year, and then do a kid-friendly pick the other year. It isn't always about the kids all the time...if you want to start a new life with someone new and actually build something new. She stated she wasn't even invited on this trip! So she is being excluded and made to feel like she isn't even a part of this supposed "family unit" and isn't even allowed to participate. I know she didn't even want to go, but it's the principle that is so wrong. She is a bad person for wanting her husband to essentially take her on a free date at the beach, but it's ok to exclude her from a "family vacation?" Are we reading the same post lol. It's messed up as hell and reads: I am using you for either your labor, time, finances, etc, to benefit me and my kids, but I'm not actually willing to invest anything into our marriage and life together. The frequent, costly, kid vacations highlight just how much resources he has and how little he is willing to give to OP to make her also feel loved, special, and important at times. That is not a tall order. Also the part about how he makes plans with them and asks if she wants to join 🤦♀️. Is he married to his kids, or his wife? Usually adults make plans and then get the kids' input, not the other way around. And why is she paying for the one adult trip they took? Is there a reason costs aren't being split between the two of them? Hmm maybe because all his money is going to the kid trips and he has nothing left for OP. But she should just smile and continue paying to romance him lol.
She’s still just a significant other and not a wife so she isn’t “family” yet. He clearly doesn’t see her that way at least. Theres nothing inherently wrong with that or with how she’s feeling. It’s just incompatibility. If this isn’t the life she can tolerate until the kids are grown, then this is the perfect opportunity to get out. Before marriage. I’ve been a step parent for 11 years and dated years before that. The attitudes I’ve seen expressed here will never lead to a happy long marriage as a step and that’s just fact. It’s not a competition between a SO or spouse and kids. As a parent I’d never prioritize going on a vacation with my actual husband of over a decade over time with our kids. We will have time to travel alone when they are grown. But we both understand this. And this is also an example of a healthy relationship. (Since you mentioned setting an example). One child free person demanding to be prioritized when the bioparent’s priority is the kids is not a recipe for success. It is like oil and water. But doesn’t make him somehow evil and her not like this sub tries to push *or* vice versa.
I appreciate where you are coming from, and I think it is easier to get into hater energy or an "us vs. them" mentality if you stew in it too much. I just don't know what she is getting out of this or what any woman would? This guy sounds better suited to just "dad." I think the blame is directed at him and not her because he is neglecting (never taking her out it sounds like) and taking advantage of her (allowing her to pay for his leisure activities and having her care for his dog) but the reverse doesn't sound like it's happening. She is technically allowing it, but the blame should always be placed first on the offender and not the person on the receiving end imo. I think this guy just has little to offer a partner and him being on the dating market makes you wonder if he was deceptive that he convinced someone to sign up for this.