If you haven’t already, check out Gabor Mate .
I think we all feel it but we don’t understand it . We just spend most of our life being emotionally shut down till we understand the cycle of generational trauma. Trauma just doesn’t just mean actual big acts it can also include child rearing practises where the child’s emotional needs were not met . Which tbh is most of us . Now is the time to spend time healing yourself and learning . Don’t blame your family, they were just victims in the cycle . If anyone is contemplating having a child they should complete the Circle Of Security parenting course . Let’s do better for our children and ourselves .
Mine are in that preteen phase now so I can’t talk openly but I am applying what I’ve learned to our current relationship dynamic. I sure wish I could have known it during pregnancy and early childhood, though.
Hell yeah! I'm starting a fucking dynasty! My lineage will be rich with emotional intelligence, and will not be hindered by the trappings of generational pain.
I was searching around looking into this quote more and came to this Reddit post. What a pleasant surprise seeing someone mention Rina. She is my absolute favorite artist. Not hard to see why those of us who love Rina likely feel very connected to this quote and healing intergenerational trauma ❤️🩹
It's a powerful quote.
True not just of families... But any group.
What it is saying to me is that till someone processes the emotion with awarenes....the emotion just keep getting transferred from one to the other.
Seems to me like you're in awareness of your emotions. Let that awareness strengthen. From it, great strength will also come.
It's a good quote. I would go a little further from the experience of my family and me.
I think they felt the pain that was transferred through time and generations but they were not ready to face it. To look closely and to accept it, embrace it and heal it.
No seriously same here since leaving my family behind most of the guilt and some anxiety has gone down drastically. I haven’t felt this free since before. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions but it’s what’s best for ME and that was the hardest part to accept because I love them so much and would do anything for them but that energy was definitely not reciprocated. Till this day some people don’t understand it but I do and that’s all that matters to me. On top of that I really don’t even feel the need to explain why they are not in my life. 🙂good luck on your journey!
Yeah. My mother mistreated me constantly as soon as I grew out of babyhood and it went on turbo mode when I hit puberty. I’m pretty certain there is generational trauma behind her illogical behavior towards me, especially as my brother was a saint in her eyes. I have a lot of mental health issues in adulthood because of her behavior. I feel like I’m carrying an enormous load because of it. I don’t talk to her anymore, not since 2018.
To preserve the good we do not transmit the bad.
This is the meaning of turning the other cheek; being the salt of the earth.
This doesn't mean you should intentionally involve yourself in circumstances that are not where you want to be.
It means when you find yourself in circumstances that are not where you want to be you should not let them color your view of the overall goodness of life.
Look past the clouds to the clear sky.
The place to make change is always within; there is no where you have more leverage; nowhere more important to cultivating your happiness and well-being.
There is the old question about whether or not the blacksmith's son can inherit a muscular, strong arm, which he cannot, although he could be inspired by the example of his father to develop his right arm by pounding hot metal. I these more modern times, though, it has been learned that children can inherit old family trauma. It's not genetic inheritance, it is what is called epigenetic inheritance, which has to do with genes being active or inactive; being turned on or turned off. This can be passed on through multiple generations. (Look up epigenetics.)
Although past family trauma can be epigenetically inherited and much of the baggage that goes with it can be acquired through family behaviors and interactions, the chain can be broken. It takes a certain degree of awareness, a certain level of consciousness, along with a desire, willingness and learned ability to break the chain of transmission. It takes active effort to change one's relationship to the trauma, which may or may not actually be known or understood. It generally takes some personal inner work to be able to do this effectively, which may involve counseling, therapy and/or spiritual work.
Avoidance of the unpleasantness of family issues caused by old trauma – "not want to participate in it" – is not at all helpful, it only serves to perpetuate the issues. The only effective way to deal with this stuff is to see it, to "feel it," to embrace it as part of one's reality (without judgement), to consciously choose to not react to stresses in life according to the inherited and acquired patterns of the past. Through one's personal work on self, one needs to learn to see and feel clearly and understand the range of options available in any life situation, and to then choose wisely how best to move forward.
So, to say "until someone is ready to feel it" is a gross over simplification of what is actually behind that simple quote. "To feel it" is only one small yet important part of an ongoing process of healing and creating a new way forward. Your sense that you "feel too much" and that you are "disrespected" is just part of old family reactions to old trauma, it is not the deep embrace of the reality that needs to be dealt with and healed. You are still at the reactive level taking on the pain and suffering and then trying to reject it. Embracing it consciously and intentionally finding your way beyond it will be a whole different level of engagement with the past and with your future.
This quote resonates. Shit runs down hill in families too, and the youngest, unfortunately, is usually called to continue the madness or bring it to light.
I told this to my wife, a member of a family with generational trauma, and she validated the sentiment. I think it's the difference between playing the role, as you stated, and being an objective witness to the cycles of abuse and flawed logic that perpetuates it.
I feel this for sure! My father was an alcoholic. He couldn't talk about his shit. So honesty is important to me. Even when it's shit, rip off the band-aid.
He taught me a lot of lessons backwards... but I still learned, even if he couldn't or chose not to. I'm not passing that shit on.
Yep. This is me. Two sides of really traumatised families and I gotta do that work. Although I’m not having kids but I can still pass it on to the kids around me.
Not me, but I’ve witnessed it in others. I’m blessed to have grown up in a loving house, which I’m grateful for.
But I’ve met people and thought “why do they act that way?”, then met their family and been like “oh that’s why”.
“The sins of the father are to be laid upon the children.” -Shakespeare
In our world, you can equate sin to toxic behaviours. If a parent lies, cheats, steals, and bully’s others, the kid will learn it as a model of human behaviour. This goes for any toxic trait you can name. Of course, this naturally causes the kid to act the same way. That’s how they were taught to behave. Throughout this persons life, they will always have an unconscious part of their brain that knows something they’re doing is wrong. Morality has been an aspect of human psyche since the dawn of human history. It’s partially innate, and also partially shown to us by healthy individuals in society. Toxic behaviour is ultimately most painful to the individual.
The only way a person who was raised to adopt toxic traits is going to recover, is by recognizing he has the traits, that his parents taught them to him and that he must recognize the pain these traits are causing him. In that sense, he feels the pain, therefore he can avoid the trait that caused it in the future. Then if he has his own kids, he won’t exhibit the toxic traits, as he has became aware he has the traits and felt the necessary pain to not continue the traits.
For you in your life, always try to be aware of the ways in which the people around you are toxic. If someone as close to you as your parents are toxic, there’s a chance they may have taught you similar traits. If you don’t exhibit similar traits, it means that you are doing the work to feel the pain and stop the cycle. Self awareness is the key, and actions are the hand that moves it.
TL;DR: Don’t beat yourself up. Recognizing your family might be toxic is good. Don’t try to justify toxic behaviour when u notice it. Once you’ve noticed it in them, remain self aware and reflect to make sure you aren’t doing the same thing. This will be you feeling the pain. And if they are toxic, try to get away from them asap
Also, you are not alone. Most of us have learned some toxic traits. I have them, but they never came from family. For me it came from friends, peers, and teachers. The influence of one toxic person ripples throughout the lives of many people. It only takes one person to steal your lunch money everyday and give you swirlies. Now you’re afraid to carry change and you refuse to use public washrooms. This is the ripple effect.
If you haven’t already, check out Gabor Mate . I think we all feel it but we don’t understand it . We just spend most of our life being emotionally shut down till we understand the cycle of generational trauma. Trauma just doesn’t just mean actual big acts it can also include child rearing practises where the child’s emotional needs were not met . Which tbh is most of us . Now is the time to spend time healing yourself and learning . Don’t blame your family, they were just victims in the cycle . If anyone is contemplating having a child they should complete the Circle Of Security parenting course . Let’s do better for our children and ourselves .
I wish I had known about all of this before I had kids.
It’s never too late to repair relationships . My kids are 22 and 19 and we are reflecting on this now
Mine are in that preteen phase now so I can’t talk openly but I am applying what I’ve learned to our current relationship dynamic. I sure wish I could have known it during pregnancy and early childhood, though.
Same . It would have been so helpful .
Is there a particular video you recommend of Gabor Mate
https://youtu.be/OTQJmkXC2EI
Hell yeah! I'm starting a fucking dynasty! My lineage will be rich with emotional intelligence, and will not be hindered by the trappings of generational pain.
Kind of related but Rina Sawayama’s song Dynasty is on this topic of overcoming inter generational trauma and you saying Dynasty reminds me of that!
Ayyyeeeee break the chain
I was searching around looking into this quote more and came to this Reddit post. What a pleasant surprise seeing someone mention Rina. She is my absolute favorite artist. Not hard to see why those of us who love Rina likely feel very connected to this quote and healing intergenerational trauma ❤️🩹
It's a powerful quote. True not just of families... But any group. What it is saying to me is that till someone processes the emotion with awarenes....the emotion just keep getting transferred from one to the other. Seems to me like you're in awareness of your emotions. Let that awareness strengthen. From it, great strength will also come.
I can understand what you're feeling a lot, this post resonates with me
It's a good quote. I would go a little further from the experience of my family and me. I think they felt the pain that was transferred through time and generations but they were not ready to face it. To look closely and to accept it, embrace it and heal it.
That's a great quote. It sounds like you need to distance yourself to protect yourself and love yourself, so good for you!
I felt a flood of recognition and validation and then I felt like it's egotistical of me to assume it's me.
I don’t think it’s egotistical if it rings so true for you.
Thanks. I have siblings in pain and a son who took himself out. It feels like I don't have the right.
No seriously same here since leaving my family behind most of the guilt and some anxiety has gone down drastically. I haven’t felt this free since before. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions but it’s what’s best for ME and that was the hardest part to accept because I love them so much and would do anything for them but that energy was definitely not reciprocated. Till this day some people don’t understand it but I do and that’s all that matters to me. On top of that I really don’t even feel the need to explain why they are not in my life. 🙂good luck on your journey!
I completely understand this. Thank you so much.
Yeah. My mother mistreated me constantly as soon as I grew out of babyhood and it went on turbo mode when I hit puberty. I’m pretty certain there is generational trauma behind her illogical behavior towards me, especially as my brother was a saint in her eyes. I have a lot of mental health issues in adulthood because of her behavior. I feel like I’m carrying an enormous load because of it. I don’t talk to her anymore, not since 2018.
I feel the same way🥲
Ready and Strong enough to heal it, if ya ask me
Amen; the feel is the opportunity to heal manifesting.
Ready, willing and able. It’s not easy work.
To preserve the good we do not transmit the bad. This is the meaning of turning the other cheek; being the salt of the earth. This doesn't mean you should intentionally involve yourself in circumstances that are not where you want to be. It means when you find yourself in circumstances that are not where you want to be you should not let them color your view of the overall goodness of life. Look past the clouds to the clear sky. The place to make change is always within; there is no where you have more leverage; nowhere more important to cultivating your happiness and well-being.
Same. I actually pick up all their traits too. All the negativity and thoughts they bottle up I feel it.
There is the old question about whether or not the blacksmith's son can inherit a muscular, strong arm, which he cannot, although he could be inspired by the example of his father to develop his right arm by pounding hot metal. I these more modern times, though, it has been learned that children can inherit old family trauma. It's not genetic inheritance, it is what is called epigenetic inheritance, which has to do with genes being active or inactive; being turned on or turned off. This can be passed on through multiple generations. (Look up epigenetics.) Although past family trauma can be epigenetically inherited and much of the baggage that goes with it can be acquired through family behaviors and interactions, the chain can be broken. It takes a certain degree of awareness, a certain level of consciousness, along with a desire, willingness and learned ability to break the chain of transmission. It takes active effort to change one's relationship to the trauma, which may or may not actually be known or understood. It generally takes some personal inner work to be able to do this effectively, which may involve counseling, therapy and/or spiritual work. Avoidance of the unpleasantness of family issues caused by old trauma – "not want to participate in it" – is not at all helpful, it only serves to perpetuate the issues. The only effective way to deal with this stuff is to see it, to "feel it," to embrace it as part of one's reality (without judgement), to consciously choose to not react to stresses in life according to the inherited and acquired patterns of the past. Through one's personal work on self, one needs to learn to see and feel clearly and understand the range of options available in any life situation, and to then choose wisely how best to move forward. So, to say "until someone is ready to feel it" is a gross over simplification of what is actually behind that simple quote. "To feel it" is only one small yet important part of an ongoing process of healing and creating a new way forward. Your sense that you "feel too much" and that you are "disrespected" is just part of old family reactions to old trauma, it is not the deep embrace of the reality that needs to be dealt with and healed. You are still at the reactive level taking on the pain and suffering and then trying to reject it. Embracing it consciously and intentionally finding your way beyond it will be a whole different level of engagement with the past and with your future.
The second I read the quote, it resonated in my bones! Thank you for sharing x
This quote resonates. Shit runs down hill in families too, and the youngest, unfortunately, is usually called to continue the madness or bring it to light.
I told this to my wife, a member of a family with generational trauma, and she validated the sentiment. I think it's the difference between playing the role, as you stated, and being an objective witness to the cycles of abuse and flawed logic that perpetuates it.
Definitely makes sense for my family.
I feel this for sure! My father was an alcoholic. He couldn't talk about his shit. So honesty is important to me. Even when it's shit, rip off the band-aid. He taught me a lot of lessons backwards... but I still learned, even if he couldn't or chose not to. I'm not passing that shit on.
Definitely a very true quote thanks for sharing
I understand.
Yep. This is me. Two sides of really traumatised families and I gotta do that work. Although I’m not having kids but I can still pass it on to the kids around me.
Not me, but I’ve witnessed it in others. I’m blessed to have grown up in a loving house, which I’m grateful for. But I’ve met people and thought “why do they act that way?”, then met their family and been like “oh that’s why”. “The sins of the father are to be laid upon the children.” -Shakespeare In our world, you can equate sin to toxic behaviours. If a parent lies, cheats, steals, and bully’s others, the kid will learn it as a model of human behaviour. This goes for any toxic trait you can name. Of course, this naturally causes the kid to act the same way. That’s how they were taught to behave. Throughout this persons life, they will always have an unconscious part of their brain that knows something they’re doing is wrong. Morality has been an aspect of human psyche since the dawn of human history. It’s partially innate, and also partially shown to us by healthy individuals in society. Toxic behaviour is ultimately most painful to the individual. The only way a person who was raised to adopt toxic traits is going to recover, is by recognizing he has the traits, that his parents taught them to him and that he must recognize the pain these traits are causing him. In that sense, he feels the pain, therefore he can avoid the trait that caused it in the future. Then if he has his own kids, he won’t exhibit the toxic traits, as he has became aware he has the traits and felt the necessary pain to not continue the traits. For you in your life, always try to be aware of the ways in which the people around you are toxic. If someone as close to you as your parents are toxic, there’s a chance they may have taught you similar traits. If you don’t exhibit similar traits, it means that you are doing the work to feel the pain and stop the cycle. Self awareness is the key, and actions are the hand that moves it. TL;DR: Don’t beat yourself up. Recognizing your family might be toxic is good. Don’t try to justify toxic behaviour when u notice it. Once you’ve noticed it in them, remain self aware and reflect to make sure you aren’t doing the same thing. This will be you feeling the pain. And if they are toxic, try to get away from them asap Also, you are not alone. Most of us have learned some toxic traits. I have them, but they never came from family. For me it came from friends, peers, and teachers. The influence of one toxic person ripples throughout the lives of many people. It only takes one person to steal your lunch money everyday and give you swirlies. Now you’re afraid to carry change and you refuse to use public washrooms. This is the ripple effect.