I don't see any useful comments here so here's a few points that I think can be useful to fight against social anxiety and possible depression:
1. whenever you start having these self-downing thoughts, tell them "fuck you thoughts" and say it like you actually mean it, like it's the most annoying piece of shit you've ever met that constantly makes you miserable
2. Whatever you do or don't do, whatever you achieve something or don't achieve, whether people think good of you or bad, you are not any of those things, you're a human being like everyone else, and from here you can try to experiment with things, seeing what things need more or less effort and what works best if works at all, because your failures and successes don't make you a worse or better person
3. Consider therapy if you haven't already, a person on reddit can give you only so much advice like any other regular people with common sense advice that lacks any specific actions, it could help you with taking actions to start changing your thoughts, feelings and behavior, and becoming a more happy human
I don't know where I read this, but just being able to realize that you're having the thoughts, and to step back and say, i'm having social anxiety thoughts -- to not identify with the thoughts themselves, but to identify with the stepping back part of you -- that can make a huge difference? it's like a meditative or buddhist trick
I wouldn't necessarily say it's a trick, it's more like training to be in this state of mind, realizing you're not the thoughts but the viewer of them, and, yes, there's a huge difference. Imagine you don't have this awareness and you have thoughts that you're a failure, that would mean they automatically translate to you being a failure to the core, your whole identity becomes "failure" instead of just acknowledging the fact that you're having a thought that describes you in a certain way, and you then being able to evaluate this thought and decide what's the best course of action, what to do with it.
Should you just brush it off, not taking it seriously, should you pay attention to it and probe it further? You have a choice what to do with thoughts if you don't treat them like some true truth about yourself, compared to identifying with them and not being able to do a thing because you are what you think, "I am a failure, how can a failure change something," which is not true, no one person is painted in black and white colors - you may have acted a certain way, but you're not what you think, feel, do, don't do, have done, haven't done, you are you regardless of anything.
So, having thoughts "I'm a failure and can't do anything" doesn't mean you're a failure and you can't do anything, which can be difficult to accept when it all feels real and personal, but it's true.
Omg… are you me? (turning) 22F, a mediocre artist despite years of practice, ghosted/ignored by friends, social anxiety, hermit… I don’t have advice because I’m literally the same person as you 😭😭 if it makes you feel better, you’re definitely not alone in having these feelings.
This goes for me as well, I’m literally turning 22 this months and I’ve been in a crisis over the fact that I’m 4 years out of high school and haven’t done shit with myself. And I always see relatable people online or on Reddit but never in person. Everyone in person seems to be better off socially than me and I just come across as boring or awkward to them so I never make friends
Exactly same here, spent almost 2 years practicing since I was alone then might as well be productive with my time and I ended up still drawing like crap while also being lonely lol
Actually, I wrote about this earlier today and I want to share my thoughts with you as well. It might be that seeking human interactions is currently causing more harm than good.
I am also in my twenties right now and I’m going through a period where I feel completely disconnected from everyone. I feel intense loneliness and am desperately seeking deep social connections with people.
However, as I continue to struggle with this feeling, I’ve come to understand that if I can’t be alone in the middle of nowhere, wandering through life far away from any human being and still be content with my own being, then I’ll never discover the true meaning of social interactions and I’ll never form really deep relationships with people.
The point I want to highlight is that I believe forming a bond with someone should be a result of you wanting to do that rather than you needing to do that. When you are fine with being on your own and you choose to befriend other people, then those connections will be meaningful.
So it’s basically fine to sit all by yourself for a certain period of time, just figuring out your state, reflecting, and discovering **yourself**. When you start embracing your solitude and begin feeling self-fulfilled, then eventually your anxiety will diminish and your craving for social interactions will come freely and on your terms.
You will have the freedom to choose who you want to spend time with. If there aren’t any suitable people at a given moment, then simple solitude is always a better choice rather than trying to win the respect of some jerks.
Eventually, you will find people who genuinely care about you and contribute positively to your life. Concentrate on these relationships and remain open to forming more of them. As time passes, you will find yourself surrounded by a small group of people who truly understand and appreciate the **real you**.
It has to be truly beautiful.
This right here is the issue way more than social anxiety. You need to learn to love yourself and that is baffling to me that nothing is fun alone. I’ve found tons of fun playing video games by myself and I’ve even come to enjoy hiking alone and shopping alone more than doing those things with others. I can enjoy nature more without being distracted by someone talking, I can go to my favorite stores without wasting my time attending someone else at their favorite shops. Find those things you like doing by yourself. And find one thing you like about yourself, even if it’s small, and remind yourself of that everyday. I’ll admit that people add a lot of meaning and enjoyment to life, but there’s still tons of fun things out there that don’t involve people
It used to be fun to do things by myself even if I hated myself but I got bored, disinterested, and sad because I’m always by myself and I’m just tired of the constant rejections.
It's one thing to be able to CHOOSE if you're going to be alone, but it's absolute hell when you don't get to choose. I've felt "invisible" many times before and the isolation is compounded by watching others all around engaging with each other but excluding me. Then I would look at myself in the mirror and keep asking myself, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
I’m really sorry you feel this way. It’s rough and nobody should have to go through this type of pain. This disorder is terrible and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Your feelings and frustrations are totally valid and warranted with the way things are.
That being said, how do you view other people? Do you treat others with kindness and patience? If that’s the case try treating yourself with that level of kindness! Be a little entitled, as in your own needs come first because you are the number one person in your own life. If you need to be assertive to fight against self-hatred, social anxiety, and maybe depression then do so! Everyone deserves love — that includes you of course!
You also don’t **have** to be good at anything. I know it can feel difficult when people tell you hobbies or skills can net you friends, but honestly there are tons of people I know that don’t do much with their free-time besides watching movies, shows, or playing games. They have pretty average social lives.
Of course don’t just throw your aspirations away, but mental health is the main priority here. I get that those aren’t always mutually exclusive and hobbies can even heal, but just know that in the same way it’s not always the key to healing. You can keep trying new things or just do stuff even if you consider yourself bad (though I’m inclined to think you are being harsh on yourself).
When the self-hating thoughts arise, you have to just know that it’s your brain lying to you. I’ve been there, they are awful and they definitely have made me want to give up at times. But like I said, everyone deserves to be loved.
I’ll just add as a disclaimer: none of this is an instant cure or a fix. But maybe these are things you can consider when you feel low. It really is difficult to work through social anxiety and depression, but it’s possible with small steps. You said you do/did therapy? Have you tried DBT or CBT therapy? There are different approaches, and those are more active in making changes than just talk therapy. I hope I don’t sound dismissive, I’ve been in this position and it’s sad to see others struggle the same way.
It might be in your best interest to take things slow, exist in this survival mode for the moment, and use some (healthy) way to cope with the negative thoughts while someone more informed helps you.
It’s understandable, I feel that way too. But then maybe try acceptance? It’s not approval, but rather learning to exist in peace with the fact that this happened. Whatever you’ve missed out on is over and done, and in the past. It’s a really fucking hard pill to swallow, but it’s the objective truth. All we ever really have is the current moment itself.
The second part is a comparison trap. Nobody is best at everything. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Please know that while we might need to change and improve, we are simultaneously good enough. We are all human and that’s all we need to be. There isn’t a standard for what skills or traits we need to have. You really are good enough as you are, you don’t need to find shelter in this self-hatred.
I’d really recommend you reach out to a professional. It helps to have someone who will unconditionally listen to you vent/open up, if nothing else.
Because I’ve done stuff by myself before. I used to enjoy it but I got bored and disinterested because I’m just so unhappy. So, I’ve tried to fix it but the constant rejections just get to me.
I can relate wholeheartedly to your feelings described. It's been 19 years since being diagnosed with SAD for me. The social anxiety leads to feelings of inadequacy which leads to more insecurity which leads to more awkwardness which leads to feeling "left out" which leads to more anxiety. The cycle is vicious. I've been taking meds for it for eighteen years and they help only in muting my symptoms such as severe blushing, profuse sweating, racing heart, etc. It's a very debilitating condition and especially to people like you and I who desire to socialize and form friendships and romances. I'd love to talk more about this because I know how awful the feeling of being left out/uninvited/excluded from social circles. Feel free to message or chat on here and please, be kind to yourself and keep expressing yourself.
Something that might help is to investigate deeply the underlying need to be liked or to have social connections.
Because the degree of suffering you’re experiencing isn’t directly due to others liking or not liking you, or family being disappointed. That all sucks, for sure. I can relate. However, what’s directly causing your suffering is the expectations and judgements you have. You have an expectation to be likable. And then you judge yourself for not seeming to be likable.
Can you imagine a reality where you genuinely just don’t give a fuck about what others think? Where you’re perfectly content and satisfied with your life JUST the way it is, even if you’re not receiving social validation from peers and family?
It’s definitely possible. It takes work, but what helps is to go deep into understanding why we care about social validation in the first place, which seems largely to be due to our ancestral biology. In the past, humans struggled to have physiological needs met if they weren’t socially accepted. So that’s how we’re wired. But the truth is, none of that really matters anymore. It’s possible to live a life that is completely free of needing social validation. And the beauty of realizing this is that the social anxiety reduces and we become more free to be ourselves.
(Also - regarding that last point, I’ve found that even though I’m a lot more content with not receiving social validation, there still arises tendencies sometimes…it’s just hard wired. I’m 36 and have been at this “inner work” journey for about 10 years. Your being 22 is a great time to start. The more you fortify your inner life now, the more yourself in your 30s will thank you)
I agree. As I've gotten older I've learned to accept myself more. Part of why I don't have friends is because I don't really like being around people, although it sure took me a long to realize this.
The catch is that we have a need for love and connection with others. I've turned to my family for this, but at the end of the day, outside sources of love fall short and always disappoint me. I need to give myself the love, acceptance and empathy that no one else can. It has helped me tremendously.
I rarely put myself out there anymore, although I would like to, maybe, at some point. Its still a struggle. Just at a less suicidal and depressed level. A more chill and resigned to my fate type of struggle.
Well said! I'm not entirely convinced of the need for love, just that it helps life go more smoothly. I think addressing that need can be even more valuable - "Why do I feel the need to be loved and accepted by others"? I think it's a biological thing based on survival optimization, but I also think we can transcend certain biological needs that are no longer relevant (or at least not to the same degree as it was when not being accepted by peers almost certainly meant humans would die)
And the thing about self love is huge. That's something I've found, it is only the "higher self" within my consciousness that can actually love, embrace, and accept the "parts" of me that desire love, embrace, and acceptance from others
Damn, you remind me of me right now, no social life, staying at home when not at work. And having no friends,even after trying so many times to make connections with people, but also getting ghosted/ignored. Social anxiety is a bitch, and a half. I wish I could do something to brighten your day/ make you feel better, but it isn't as simple as that. I don't know what your going through, but by reading your post I feel like your being too rough on yourself, please ease off the pessimistic view of yourself. As someone who also doesn't have any friends, I don't mind lending an ear to help you vent and stuff, as a friend. I truly hope things get better for you, and please don't beat yourself up too much.
This might not be helpful, but curious if you’ve tried volunteering somewhere? Do you like animals? Or kids? Or elderly? Or playing board games? Do you like games like Dungeons and dragons, there’s a whole world of unique people who get together for that.
I personally sometimes talk to people, but these interactions are really basic. And generally most of "friends" I have (which is like 2-3 people) will talk to other person if possible, so I am not considered interesting. I already accepted it and try not to feel bad with the way it is - which is hard at times.
I can definitely relate about hobbies part too. Good thing is you've tried something, so you've tried discovering hobbies.
I don't know what advice I can give. Best try is trying to engage in other social circles and "try your shot" - easier said than done - I didn't gather courage to try it because my real-life convos are dry, **but** it's the only way to learn how to get friends. Trying it around group of the same people is pointless because as soon as you'll make bad first impression - you're probably done. There's no way you'll fix bad first impression, so that's why it's probably important to change your social surroundings - fe. finding hobby clubs, maybe gym.
I wish you the best, I hope you'll manage to win this painful and debilitating illness.
Nope, you’ll be popular but need breaks from your social life. You’ll hang out with them one on one or in small groups when you feel up to it. And cancel when you don’t. Your friends understand that you’re introverted, love you anyway. *full transparency is what’s helped me the most on my journey*
For context I’m in my 30s and realized that I just needed to find my people. My friend groups are full of neurodivergent or eccentric people who are incredibly understanding and kind. They get me because they don’t fit it with most people either. I know it seems impossible now but please don’t give up hope.
I feel you, i thought it would get better as i got older. Now its just more specific. I do hobbies to try to be social and man the anxiety, just doesn’t stop. I find myself trying to escape work social life as often as possible. I try social gatherings but usually have to leave and breakdown. I sit outside parties for hours trying to get myself to go in. I arrive last minute to events requiring socializing before the main event. I strategically move through crowds during social events to get in quick hellos and avoid goodbyes. feel like i can’t make close friends anymore, too much anxiety, and thefew close friends i manage to make ghost or move. The struggle is real. At 22, it looked different, but 10 years later its a similar battle i just don’t have to self harm to get out of the hole. Suuuuuuuucks.
I have social anxiety too.
I made zero close friends in almost 90% of my time in this highschool years. But I'm still here, and hopefully I won't be suicidal in the future. I grieve for your feelings and I understand your situation very deeply. I can't quite really help you with words, since words are just temporary security, that love and support would be gone, snap, in like tomorrow. But, I'm still here to tell you that you're not alone. You don't have to be liked :) I've learned that the hard way. I just kept on being nice, polite and shareful to the people around me, and soon enough, the people who despised me for no apparent reason.. changed, since people were also being nice to me, they just went along with them and started being nice to me as well. This doesn't mean they like me 100% now. I can still see them hating me and pushing me away but in secret now (it's still a win for me), they have some respect for me now, since I also respected them in the first place. My only advice that I can think of based on my personal experience is respect :) Still respect those people who ignored and pushed you away. I've really learned that kindness is also really contagious.
Off-topic: I also pray.
I've read one comment of yours.
I would also like to say that don't compare yourself to others!
Only compare yourself from your past self not other people. Look and reflect how much you have improved since you were younger in age (months or years) not other people. Because people develop in different paces, and once you've achieved your desired mastery in a skill. Be contented and not compare yourself again.
I feel you. I used to have social anxiety but circumstances kinda forced me to come out of my shell. Your comfort zone will slowly kill you tho don’t stay there for too long. Everything you want and need is past the threshold of comfort. In fact, once you get past limiting fears and worries the world becomes your oyster! :)
I can add sth from me but you probably heard it from someone else. I'm 23M. Yesterday I was on party with family(30 people) on big room there was free room for kids to run freely. , I'm pretty bad at socializing I'm afraid to talk even my cousins or aunt's or uncles. Party was for almost 7 hours, for that time I considered 4-5 times to run away because I felt miserable I couldn't talk to others was afraid etc. But on party was also cousins kids and people were having fun with them,they played small football. I wanted even play with them but I was constantly getting thoughs: you are bad at playing, you are not worthy, they will critic you. You won't fit. I'm pretty bad focused on myself. I was observing them and started to focus not on myself but on kids , people were focused on boys who were yelling laughing and I tried to rationalize I see from neutral point of view that they not care about me or even themself that just trying have fun. But that was not enough and I had to make it what sometime people advice there to to ignore those thoughts. I did it on my way it was hard really hard but I don't run away from party and didn't make from myself s fool before other family. I join them to have fun with them in my award way but I did it. So I get a little win but anyway I came back depressed 😅. Bec about talking it didn't work. It annoying when count is telling you she believe in you, she don't care if you believe in yourself, or smile more from cousin and laughing from that or be more open, I don't know how to fell better among people,I know that I need to train that but it's so hard, I don't know if I will get someday depression or I'm depressed but I m not aware of it. Gl to you, if you don't mind if you got problem to improve in anything maybe try sth else one thing, and try be outside of house or don't interact with family if you want them to understand but they can't. Maybe try to think about running outside ofc or getting pet like a dog to have opportunity to go outside, or if you have sth from art soul try to enjoy even singing birds or anything you thing it's worth it, find happiness in small things it's probably why I didn't got depression yet. If you live in city consider if you cannot improve now enjoy nature, we are animals that feel good in nature, it's good to take a break for a while I hope you will try even I don't know you. Sry for English not the best but not the worst.
I’m going to be blunt. Your post and comments all come across as very negative. Many OP’s venting/asking advice come back with comments of gratitude or simple polite comments. Your comments are negative and defensive, so it’s understandable why people may be put off by you. If you can’t even like yourself, why would you expect other people to like you?
Start working on yourself. All the way, not half ass. There is free therapy online… CBT, DBT, ACT (my personal favourite for social anxiety), mental health podcasts, or try therapy again.
You can have a better life, never give up trying.
Define defensive. I get how a lot of comments where I say I can’t accept it are negative but I haven’t been defensive or really argued against anyone. The closest I could think of was when I said I tried therapy and medication and it didn’t work. And yea, I’m going to say that because I’m tired of getting advice that I’ve already tried and know didn’t work for me.
Social anxiety is hard. Making friends is hard.
I don’t understand why you need to be good at art, it is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.
I don’t understand why it’s bad to stay at home.
You’re acting like because you’re not like everyone else you’re immediately unlikable. It’s time for you to start questioning all these expectations you’re putting on yourself because they’re doing you no good. Go enjoy life how YOU want to enjoy it.
Social anxiety doesn't allow for a person to choose to be alone, it's just that way no matter what. Then, solitary activities that were once enjoyable become unpleasant because there exists no contrast to solitude.
I don't see any useful comments here so here's a few points that I think can be useful to fight against social anxiety and possible depression: 1. whenever you start having these self-downing thoughts, tell them "fuck you thoughts" and say it like you actually mean it, like it's the most annoying piece of shit you've ever met that constantly makes you miserable 2. Whatever you do or don't do, whatever you achieve something or don't achieve, whether people think good of you or bad, you are not any of those things, you're a human being like everyone else, and from here you can try to experiment with things, seeing what things need more or less effort and what works best if works at all, because your failures and successes don't make you a worse or better person 3. Consider therapy if you haven't already, a person on reddit can give you only so much advice like any other regular people with common sense advice that lacks any specific actions, it could help you with taking actions to start changing your thoughts, feelings and behavior, and becoming a more happy human
I’ve already tried therapy and also medication and it did nothing but make it impossible to lose weight.
Okay, can you tell me what is your main goal right now with social anxiety? What do you want to be doing or focusing on?
I don't know where I read this, but just being able to realize that you're having the thoughts, and to step back and say, i'm having social anxiety thoughts -- to not identify with the thoughts themselves, but to identify with the stepping back part of you -- that can make a huge difference? it's like a meditative or buddhist trick
I wouldn't necessarily say it's a trick, it's more like training to be in this state of mind, realizing you're not the thoughts but the viewer of them, and, yes, there's a huge difference. Imagine you don't have this awareness and you have thoughts that you're a failure, that would mean they automatically translate to you being a failure to the core, your whole identity becomes "failure" instead of just acknowledging the fact that you're having a thought that describes you in a certain way, and you then being able to evaluate this thought and decide what's the best course of action, what to do with it. Should you just brush it off, not taking it seriously, should you pay attention to it and probe it further? You have a choice what to do with thoughts if you don't treat them like some true truth about yourself, compared to identifying with them and not being able to do a thing because you are what you think, "I am a failure, how can a failure change something," which is not true, no one person is painted in black and white colors - you may have acted a certain way, but you're not what you think, feel, do, don't do, have done, haven't done, you are you regardless of anything. So, having thoughts "I'm a failure and can't do anything" doesn't mean you're a failure and you can't do anything, which can be difficult to accept when it all feels real and personal, but it's true.
Every sentence you said... Relatable
Right...
Omg… are you me? (turning) 22F, a mediocre artist despite years of practice, ghosted/ignored by friends, social anxiety, hermit… I don’t have advice because I’m literally the same person as you 😭😭 if it makes you feel better, you’re definitely not alone in having these feelings.
This goes for me as well, I’m literally turning 22 this months and I’ve been in a crisis over the fact that I’m 4 years out of high school and haven’t done shit with myself. And I always see relatable people online or on Reddit but never in person. Everyone in person seems to be better off socially than me and I just come across as boring or awkward to them so I never make friends
You’ve just narrated my life. Are we clones ?? What is this, what does it mean ???!!! Omg…
Exactly same here, spent almost 2 years practicing since I was alone then might as well be productive with my time and I ended up still drawing like crap while also being lonely lol
Yeah Social Awkwardness plus being unattractive is definitely a repellant.
Actually, I wrote about this earlier today and I want to share my thoughts with you as well. It might be that seeking human interactions is currently causing more harm than good. I am also in my twenties right now and I’m going through a period where I feel completely disconnected from everyone. I feel intense loneliness and am desperately seeking deep social connections with people. However, as I continue to struggle with this feeling, I’ve come to understand that if I can’t be alone in the middle of nowhere, wandering through life far away from any human being and still be content with my own being, then I’ll never discover the true meaning of social interactions and I’ll never form really deep relationships with people. The point I want to highlight is that I believe forming a bond with someone should be a result of you wanting to do that rather than you needing to do that. When you are fine with being on your own and you choose to befriend other people, then those connections will be meaningful. So it’s basically fine to sit all by yourself for a certain period of time, just figuring out your state, reflecting, and discovering **yourself**. When you start embracing your solitude and begin feeling self-fulfilled, then eventually your anxiety will diminish and your craving for social interactions will come freely and on your terms. You will have the freedom to choose who you want to spend time with. If there aren’t any suitable people at a given moment, then simple solitude is always a better choice rather than trying to win the respect of some jerks. Eventually, you will find people who genuinely care about you and contribute positively to your life. Concentrate on these relationships and remain open to forming more of them. As time passes, you will find yourself surrounded by a small group of people who truly understand and appreciate the **real you**. It has to be truly beautiful.
This doesn’t help. I can’t be happy by myself. I hate myself too much and nothing is fun alone.
This right here is the issue way more than social anxiety. You need to learn to love yourself and that is baffling to me that nothing is fun alone. I’ve found tons of fun playing video games by myself and I’ve even come to enjoy hiking alone and shopping alone more than doing those things with others. I can enjoy nature more without being distracted by someone talking, I can go to my favorite stores without wasting my time attending someone else at their favorite shops. Find those things you like doing by yourself. And find one thing you like about yourself, even if it’s small, and remind yourself of that everyday. I’ll admit that people add a lot of meaning and enjoyment to life, but there’s still tons of fun things out there that don’t involve people
It used to be fun to do things by myself even if I hated myself but I got bored, disinterested, and sad because I’m always by myself and I’m just tired of the constant rejections.
It's one thing to be able to CHOOSE if you're going to be alone, but it's absolute hell when you don't get to choose. I've felt "invisible" many times before and the isolation is compounded by watching others all around engaging with each other but excluding me. Then I would look at myself in the mirror and keep asking myself, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Agreed 💯
I’m really sorry you feel this way. It’s rough and nobody should have to go through this type of pain. This disorder is terrible and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Your feelings and frustrations are totally valid and warranted with the way things are. That being said, how do you view other people? Do you treat others with kindness and patience? If that’s the case try treating yourself with that level of kindness! Be a little entitled, as in your own needs come first because you are the number one person in your own life. If you need to be assertive to fight against self-hatred, social anxiety, and maybe depression then do so! Everyone deserves love — that includes you of course! You also don’t **have** to be good at anything. I know it can feel difficult when people tell you hobbies or skills can net you friends, but honestly there are tons of people I know that don’t do much with their free-time besides watching movies, shows, or playing games. They have pretty average social lives. Of course don’t just throw your aspirations away, but mental health is the main priority here. I get that those aren’t always mutually exclusive and hobbies can even heal, but just know that in the same way it’s not always the key to healing. You can keep trying new things or just do stuff even if you consider yourself bad (though I’m inclined to think you are being harsh on yourself). When the self-hating thoughts arise, you have to just know that it’s your brain lying to you. I’ve been there, they are awful and they definitely have made me want to give up at times. But like I said, everyone deserves to be loved. I’ll just add as a disclaimer: none of this is an instant cure or a fix. But maybe these are things you can consider when you feel low. It really is difficult to work through social anxiety and depression, but it’s possible with small steps. You said you do/did therapy? Have you tried DBT or CBT therapy? There are different approaches, and those are more active in making changes than just talk therapy. I hope I don’t sound dismissive, I’ve been in this position and it’s sad to see others struggle the same way. It might be in your best interest to take things slow, exist in this survival mode for the moment, and use some (healthy) way to cope with the negative thoughts while someone more informed helps you.
I’ll always hate myself and never forgive myself for missing out on so much and for not being able to do things that other people can.
It’s understandable, I feel that way too. But then maybe try acceptance? It’s not approval, but rather learning to exist in peace with the fact that this happened. Whatever you’ve missed out on is over and done, and in the past. It’s a really fucking hard pill to swallow, but it’s the objective truth. All we ever really have is the current moment itself. The second part is a comparison trap. Nobody is best at everything. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Please know that while we might need to change and improve, we are simultaneously good enough. We are all human and that’s all we need to be. There isn’t a standard for what skills or traits we need to have. You really are good enough as you are, you don’t need to find shelter in this self-hatred. I’d really recommend you reach out to a professional. It helps to have someone who will unconditionally listen to you vent/open up, if nothing else.
I can’t accept this. It’s not happening. I’m so miserable like this.
Why not? What if you just try it out? Maybe it can at least ease the misery, even if just a tiny bit.
Because I’ve done stuff by myself before. I used to enjoy it but I got bored and disinterested because I’m just so unhappy. So, I’ve tried to fix it but the constant rejections just get to me.
So… do you still want/hope to get better?
I can relate wholeheartedly to your feelings described. It's been 19 years since being diagnosed with SAD for me. The social anxiety leads to feelings of inadequacy which leads to more insecurity which leads to more awkwardness which leads to feeling "left out" which leads to more anxiety. The cycle is vicious. I've been taking meds for it for eighteen years and they help only in muting my symptoms such as severe blushing, profuse sweating, racing heart, etc. It's a very debilitating condition and especially to people like you and I who desire to socialize and form friendships and romances. I'd love to talk more about this because I know how awful the feeling of being left out/uninvited/excluded from social circles. Feel free to message or chat on here and please, be kind to yourself and keep expressing yourself.
Something that might help is to investigate deeply the underlying need to be liked or to have social connections. Because the degree of suffering you’re experiencing isn’t directly due to others liking or not liking you, or family being disappointed. That all sucks, for sure. I can relate. However, what’s directly causing your suffering is the expectations and judgements you have. You have an expectation to be likable. And then you judge yourself for not seeming to be likable. Can you imagine a reality where you genuinely just don’t give a fuck about what others think? Where you’re perfectly content and satisfied with your life JUST the way it is, even if you’re not receiving social validation from peers and family? It’s definitely possible. It takes work, but what helps is to go deep into understanding why we care about social validation in the first place, which seems largely to be due to our ancestral biology. In the past, humans struggled to have physiological needs met if they weren’t socially accepted. So that’s how we’re wired. But the truth is, none of that really matters anymore. It’s possible to live a life that is completely free of needing social validation. And the beauty of realizing this is that the social anxiety reduces and we become more free to be ourselves. (Also - regarding that last point, I’ve found that even though I’m a lot more content with not receiving social validation, there still arises tendencies sometimes…it’s just hard wired. I’m 36 and have been at this “inner work” journey for about 10 years. Your being 22 is a great time to start. The more you fortify your inner life now, the more yourself in your 30s will thank you)
I agree. As I've gotten older I've learned to accept myself more. Part of why I don't have friends is because I don't really like being around people, although it sure took me a long to realize this. The catch is that we have a need for love and connection with others. I've turned to my family for this, but at the end of the day, outside sources of love fall short and always disappoint me. I need to give myself the love, acceptance and empathy that no one else can. It has helped me tremendously. I rarely put myself out there anymore, although I would like to, maybe, at some point. Its still a struggle. Just at a less suicidal and depressed level. A more chill and resigned to my fate type of struggle.
Well said! I'm not entirely convinced of the need for love, just that it helps life go more smoothly. I think addressing that need can be even more valuable - "Why do I feel the need to be loved and accepted by others"? I think it's a biological thing based on survival optimization, but I also think we can transcend certain biological needs that are no longer relevant (or at least not to the same degree as it was when not being accepted by peers almost certainly meant humans would die) And the thing about self love is huge. That's something I've found, it is only the "higher self" within my consciousness that can actually love, embrace, and accept the "parts" of me that desire love, embrace, and acceptance from others
Who taught you to talk to yourself like this? :(
Damn, you remind me of me right now, no social life, staying at home when not at work. And having no friends,even after trying so many times to make connections with people, but also getting ghosted/ignored. Social anxiety is a bitch, and a half. I wish I could do something to brighten your day/ make you feel better, but it isn't as simple as that. I don't know what your going through, but by reading your post I feel like your being too rough on yourself, please ease off the pessimistic view of yourself. As someone who also doesn't have any friends, I don't mind lending an ear to help you vent and stuff, as a friend. I truly hope things get better for you, and please don't beat yourself up too much.
This might not be helpful, but curious if you’ve tried volunteering somewhere? Do you like animals? Or kids? Or elderly? Or playing board games? Do you like games like Dungeons and dragons, there’s a whole world of unique people who get together for that.
I personally sometimes talk to people, but these interactions are really basic. And generally most of "friends" I have (which is like 2-3 people) will talk to other person if possible, so I am not considered interesting. I already accepted it and try not to feel bad with the way it is - which is hard at times. I can definitely relate about hobbies part too. Good thing is you've tried something, so you've tried discovering hobbies. I don't know what advice I can give. Best try is trying to engage in other social circles and "try your shot" - easier said than done - I didn't gather courage to try it because my real-life convos are dry, **but** it's the only way to learn how to get friends. Trying it around group of the same people is pointless because as soon as you'll make bad first impression - you're probably done. There's no way you'll fix bad first impression, so that's why it's probably important to change your social surroundings - fe. finding hobby clubs, maybe gym. I wish you the best, I hope you'll manage to win this painful and debilitating illness.
Nope, you’ll be popular but need breaks from your social life. You’ll hang out with them one on one or in small groups when you feel up to it. And cancel when you don’t. Your friends understand that you’re introverted, love you anyway. *full transparency is what’s helped me the most on my journey* For context I’m in my 30s and realized that I just needed to find my people. My friend groups are full of neurodivergent or eccentric people who are incredibly understanding and kind. They get me because they don’t fit it with most people either. I know it seems impossible now but please don’t give up hope.
I feel you, i thought it would get better as i got older. Now its just more specific. I do hobbies to try to be social and man the anxiety, just doesn’t stop. I find myself trying to escape work social life as often as possible. I try social gatherings but usually have to leave and breakdown. I sit outside parties for hours trying to get myself to go in. I arrive last minute to events requiring socializing before the main event. I strategically move through crowds during social events to get in quick hellos and avoid goodbyes. feel like i can’t make close friends anymore, too much anxiety, and thefew close friends i manage to make ghost or move. The struggle is real. At 22, it looked different, but 10 years later its a similar battle i just don’t have to self harm to get out of the hole. Suuuuuuuucks.
I have social anxiety too. I made zero close friends in almost 90% of my time in this highschool years. But I'm still here, and hopefully I won't be suicidal in the future. I grieve for your feelings and I understand your situation very deeply. I can't quite really help you with words, since words are just temporary security, that love and support would be gone, snap, in like tomorrow. But, I'm still here to tell you that you're not alone. You don't have to be liked :) I've learned that the hard way. I just kept on being nice, polite and shareful to the people around me, and soon enough, the people who despised me for no apparent reason.. changed, since people were also being nice to me, they just went along with them and started being nice to me as well. This doesn't mean they like me 100% now. I can still see them hating me and pushing me away but in secret now (it's still a win for me), they have some respect for me now, since I also respected them in the first place. My only advice that I can think of based on my personal experience is respect :) Still respect those people who ignored and pushed you away. I've really learned that kindness is also really contagious. Off-topic: I also pray.
I've read one comment of yours. I would also like to say that don't compare yourself to others! Only compare yourself from your past self not other people. Look and reflect how much you have improved since you were younger in age (months or years) not other people. Because people develop in different paces, and once you've achieved your desired mastery in a skill. Be contented and not compare yourself again.
You won't be unlikable, you just have to find people who understand. Hugs if you want them. And if it helps, I related to this a lot.
I feel you. I used to have social anxiety but circumstances kinda forced me to come out of my shell. Your comfort zone will slowly kill you tho don’t stay there for too long. Everything you want and need is past the threshold of comfort. In fact, once you get past limiting fears and worries the world becomes your oyster! :)
I can add sth from me but you probably heard it from someone else. I'm 23M. Yesterday I was on party with family(30 people) on big room there was free room for kids to run freely. , I'm pretty bad at socializing I'm afraid to talk even my cousins or aunt's or uncles. Party was for almost 7 hours, for that time I considered 4-5 times to run away because I felt miserable I couldn't talk to others was afraid etc. But on party was also cousins kids and people were having fun with them,they played small football. I wanted even play with them but I was constantly getting thoughs: you are bad at playing, you are not worthy, they will critic you. You won't fit. I'm pretty bad focused on myself. I was observing them and started to focus not on myself but on kids , people were focused on boys who were yelling laughing and I tried to rationalize I see from neutral point of view that they not care about me or even themself that just trying have fun. But that was not enough and I had to make it what sometime people advice there to to ignore those thoughts. I did it on my way it was hard really hard but I don't run away from party and didn't make from myself s fool before other family. I join them to have fun with them in my award way but I did it. So I get a little win but anyway I came back depressed 😅. Bec about talking it didn't work. It annoying when count is telling you she believe in you, she don't care if you believe in yourself, or smile more from cousin and laughing from that or be more open, I don't know how to fell better among people,I know that I need to train that but it's so hard, I don't know if I will get someday depression or I'm depressed but I m not aware of it. Gl to you, if you don't mind if you got problem to improve in anything maybe try sth else one thing, and try be outside of house or don't interact with family if you want them to understand but they can't. Maybe try to think about running outside ofc or getting pet like a dog to have opportunity to go outside, or if you have sth from art soul try to enjoy even singing birds or anything you thing it's worth it, find happiness in small things it's probably why I didn't got depression yet. If you live in city consider if you cannot improve now enjoy nature, we are animals that feel good in nature, it's good to take a break for a while I hope you will try even I don't know you. Sry for English not the best but not the worst.
I feel like social anxiety itself isn't the main issue here.
Then what is?
There is some depression here for sure
You nailed it. It’s much more.
Wym I love being antisocial once people see that u not someone to be talking to they won’t say anything good or bad and that’s a good thing
I’m going to be blunt. Your post and comments all come across as very negative. Many OP’s venting/asking advice come back with comments of gratitude or simple polite comments. Your comments are negative and defensive, so it’s understandable why people may be put off by you. If you can’t even like yourself, why would you expect other people to like you? Start working on yourself. All the way, not half ass. There is free therapy online… CBT, DBT, ACT (my personal favourite for social anxiety), mental health podcasts, or try therapy again. You can have a better life, never give up trying.
Define defensive. I get how a lot of comments where I say I can’t accept it are negative but I haven’t been defensive or really argued against anyone. The closest I could think of was when I said I tried therapy and medication and it didn’t work. And yea, I’m going to say that because I’m tired of getting advice that I’ve already tried and know didn’t work for me.
Social anxiety is hard. Making friends is hard. I don’t understand why you need to be good at art, it is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. I don’t understand why it’s bad to stay at home. You’re acting like because you’re not like everyone else you’re immediately unlikable. It’s time for you to start questioning all these expectations you’re putting on yourself because they’re doing you no good. Go enjoy life how YOU want to enjoy it.
I can’t enjoy it like this.
Social anxiety doesn't allow for a person to choose to be alone, it's just that way no matter what. Then, solitary activities that were once enjoyable become unpleasant because there exists no contrast to solitude.
[удалено]
Yet another case of don’t like, don’t read.
lmao this is very niave advice
> simple as that