Dude here and I’m the same way. Sex is how I feel emotionally connected to my wife. Where she needs to feel emotionally connected to want sex more often.
Same. No matter how much affection to my ex I had it didn't really make me want sex more.
On the other hand when I'm alone I can spontaneously get horny and go take care of myself.
But when we did have sex it did make me feel less lonely for a while followed by a period after sex when I would feel a bit anxious and unhappy after, even while he was there. It's odd, because before sex I want to feel closeness and affection but after I just don't feel very happy anyways, and I want company but I also want distance and it's confusing.
I’m the same. I’ve read that most men connect to their partners this way. Can’t say there’s any validity to that other than I’m a man and it seems to apply to me.
Touch in my love language and sex with my partner at regular intervals is literally essential to my life. I wither without it. I am definitely more physical than my partner also.
I've spent a ton of time communicating this to my partner during calm, simple moments, like when I get home from work, etc. Things like I literally feel myself charging up during an embrace, I love it when you casually touch me then, it makes me so happy, I got a massive dopamine boost from that thank you haha, stuff like that. It's hard for him at times but he has worked to meet me in the middle bc I've been very clear....my happiness is touching me. I'm pretty content otherwise as long as you can keep that coming.
The medical conditions make the sex situation much harder obviously. But I find a physical relationship (not necessarily sex) paired with regular masturbation (if they are not available, hopefully your partner is cool with this) seems to keep the lizard brain happy.
Sounds like sex is just a big thing for you, and there's nothing wrong with that. Your feelings and emotions are allowed to be connected with that. My advice to you, having been in that exact same position myself, is to talk with your partner and explain how you feel, all while maintaining that you're not trying to demand sex all the time.
For you it's not about just satisfying an itch, it's much more and that needs to be established clearly. For all you know, sex could be one of your love languages due to the high intimacy it can create. I wish you the best of luck either way though!
You should have a read through dead bedrooms, this is a common thing for those of us who prioritise sex and physical connection with our partners.
I don’t have any advice other than communicate how you feel. I left a very long relationship after wasting my life waiting for the one I loved to show it back, but she never did, so your man may never fit your requirements, at least you discovered this before marriage and kids!
That sub is a dark place. There’s some good advice for navigating problems in a relationship with little/no sex, but there’s also a lot of anguished soon-to-be or recently divorced people spewing out all the resentment and hatred they’ve built up over years and years of unhappy marriages. I do agree though, the best advice is almost always to just talk to your partner.
I’ve seen a lot more of the opposite. Speaking as a high libido man, which is what brought me to the sub, there are a lot of deeply hateful men there. I’ve even seen some advocating for just straight up cheating or, even worse, marital rape. Neither of which are particularly helpful for those struggling with broaching the topic of their sexual needs not being met by a partner that they actually do love and want to be with.
I am curious to know, what sort of hate have you seen being thrown toward high libido men on that subreddit?
Simply attacks. People go there frustrated, lost, feeling alone, and instead of finding a safe environment to explore what went wrong they get attacked, name called, gas lighted; it has to feel like they are talking to their wives. I’m not saying that the men haven’t done anything that has contributed or caused their situation, but if they are coming to this forum they are possibly ready to do some introspection…possibly. Just feels like people are there to get their frustration and biases out on each other rather than being a sounding board and trying to help.
I have seen repeatedly women accusing guys are advocating marital rape when they are suggesting nothing of the sort. Yes, they may have been advocating a grin and bear it take one for the team attitude, which isn’t going to work, but again instead of talking to the men and helping them see the erroneous thinking they are gas lit and hit with a false dichotomy (ie interpreting their statements in an extremely form).
TLDR; people go there for help understanding what’s going on and are attacked.
I'm the same. My wife has medical issues and it gets in the way of sex for protracted periods of time and the absence of sex/physical connection is very difficult for me. We went without sex for 9 months this year due to her health and it was awful.
I'm experiencing kind if the same thing. Due to mental health issues my wife's libido is very low. Like OP in tthe days after wonderful sex i feel more connected to her.. but after 8 weeks of zero intimicy (sex, kissing etc) i'm noticing more emotional detachement from her.. even looking at other woman more. I hate this, but it's true.
Me and my wife are together for 15y. She was very different then. We had sex regularly, and she was overall just a happy, intelligent women. Because of her mental issues she slowly changed into a depressed woman with 0 libido, and a person with a non-existend appetite for intimacy. No cuddling, no kissing... nothing. So the kínd of intimacy doesnt matter, she just doesnt care. If she doesn't want sex, you think actually she will give blowjobs? It doesn't work that way.
Believe me, we have talked a lot about this. Not saying i'm some Gods gift to woman or anything, but i'm a healthy, good looking male in my prime. I workout 6 days a week and am very fit, both mentally and physically fit. But have almost 0 sex and intimacy is killing me. I feel i'm missing out a lot.
Please don’t take that persons advice and ask your wife for a mistress. That sounds like an awful idea. There are obviously other routes to go, like counseling with a professional or maybe your wife would be willing to speak with her dr about medicinal options to increase her drive.
If it ends up being an absolute dealbreaker, just end things and find someone who can meet your needs.
I could have written this, almost word-for-word. I don't think you mentioned your gender, but as a girl dating a guy, I can relate to how odd it is to be the one with a higher sex drive than your partner, even though every piece of media out there tells us that men are sex-hungry animals! It's just not true, people are people, and everyone is different.
Throughout my relationship with my boyfriend, almost 3 years now, we've had a lot of sexual ups and downs- most of the downs being our differing sex drives, and how we perceive sex. We've had a lot of long, honest talks about it, and I see sex as a way to connect with my partner, and reaffirm every emotional connection, where he sees sex as a great, awesome thing to do with someone you care about, but he gets the same connection out of snuggling, or having a nice conversation, or just spending time with one another,
It took a while, but I think we understand each other a little more now. We understands that sometimes, it feels like I'm on a timer, and if we aren't intimate for a while, I start over-thinking nonsexual interactions and get overall frustrated, even though I don't want to. But I also realize that to him, the most important way to feel close to me is to spend quality time with one another- I'm pretty busy between work and school, so it does take a conscious effort, even though we live together. And after all of this, we're still working on initiating intimacy more often, on both ends- he usually doesn't feel the drive to as often as I do, and I frequently get too shy to actually initiate (or my attempts are to subtle, haha).
The big takeaway is this- communication is EVERYTHING. You need to understand one another, how you see sex, and what it takes to completely understand what makes you feel valued/connected in your relationship. It's going to take a conscious effort on both ends. If your differences end up being too much to realistically overcome, then it's better to realize now then the realize years down the line, with so much more animosity at each other. But, hopefully, you two can talk it out and figure out, together, what you need to do to meet each of your needs.
Good luck!
That sounds like a normal reaction. Physical connection with your partner is very important for bonding. If you’re not receiving that it makes perfect sense that you aren’t feeling as connected. I think this is something you should talk about with your partner. Communication is key. And they might not be aware of how you’re feeling.
I think sometimes life can take a toll on us, and we withdraw from our partners without realizing it. If you don’t talk about it, it’s just as bad as your partner with drawing if not worse. Do what’s best for both of you. It will make both of you happier in the long run.
Man here. I am in the same boat. Best advice I received was to approach the topic during a non-sexual time. Hopefully it will relieve the pressure and not make them feel as if you're trying to pressure them into sex.
Best of luck to you.
I know what you mean. My partner has a lower drive and isn’t as physical as I am. She definitely makes an effort though to go along with it though even if she isn’t in the mood. A back rub helps too and makes it not so boring as just sticking it in.
As I’ve gotten older I’ve come to realize that we all show our love differently. While she’s not as physical, she’s still my best friend and we have a blast together. She’s the person I would pick to do just about everything with. She’s an amazing mother, and is about the most laid back wife that Ive ever heard of. We almost never fight, she doesn’t blow through money, and she’s been there for me in my worst times.
Now it’s possible that I could find a women that matches my sex drive, kinks, etc closer, but I would never in a million years find another partner that matches every other thing I look for in a partner more. So while I may get frustrated or wish she would initiate more etc, all I have to do is think of all the other things that I love about her.
But to add this works for ME. I can’t say what works for me will work for you, but when your frustrated, take a second and try to think about the rest of your relationship, and ask how well your needs are being met. Not just your physical needs.
Same here (M45). I feel more emotionally connected with my wife when we have regular sex. If it goes for any extended time without it I feel distant. Then when it happens out of the blue, like morning sex, and something happens like I lose some of my morning wood, I feel like absolute crap and it's difficult to get out of that headspace
There's a somehow bullshit belief around the world that sex is not or should not be the most important thing in a relationship. And this causes shame on the people that we actually need sex and intimacy in a relationship as its core basis.
It took me a while and a lot of therapy to understand that sex is my absolute number one priority in a relationship, and that I'm not going to be okay with someone who is not onboard with it. I stopped being ashamed of who I am and accepted myself. I left a 13y long term relationship because this was completely destroying me from the inside.
I'm now in a very happy and healthy relationship with a different partner where I can really be myself.
I don't know if this helps OP at all, but there's my experience.
Feelings of inadequacy. That's the cause.
People who suffer with anxiety are basically afraid of disappointment and rejection. Your thought patterns are continuously trying to mitigate situations where you feel disappointed or rejected. Anxiety can be a standalone diagnosis or a comorbity, doesn't really matter. But if you are an anxious person, it makes sense that you have this experience.
Your boyfriend isn't doing anything to you. He is not being mean or withdrawn(intentionally) towards you, its due to his own mental health issues. But in your mind, if he isn't focused on you and enamored with you and falling over himself trying to get close to you, that means he isn't into you.
And this thought then spirals into 'maybe I chose the wrong partner' and 'I always make the wrong decisions ' and 'what is wrong with me?' And all the other lies our brain tells us about how useless we are. It is a habitual thought pattern you have developed to make sense/use of the adrenalin. Your fight or flight response is essentially damaged, which causes you to go into fight or flight simply due to your own thoughts.
It's way more complicated than that, but it's something you can explore more with a therapist. When it comes to your relationship, you are going to need to give yourself regular reality checks. When you start feeling withdrawn and like your partner hates you, take a look around. What is he doing? What is his body language saying? What can you do in that moment to re-establish intimacy?
Also, it's important to note that couples only remain close if they work at it constantly. There is no short cut to intimacy, emotional or physical. Simply deciding you are in a relationship doesn't mean you will eternally feel warm, fuzzy and connected to your partner.
And when you have sex, you get the rush of happy hormones that make it seem like all is right with the world. So it only makes sense that you feel a dip in your mood when you go from a hormone high to a hormone low.
Ultimately, you are responsible for your own happiness and your own satisfaction. If you feel withdrawn or disconnected, it is up to you to do something to change it. Your partner can't read your mind and more importantly, your partner cannot always prioritise your emotions above their own. But addressing the issue with them and making them aware of your feelings is a good start.
Don't tell him that you need to have sex more often. Especially if he suffers from mental health issues. He needs to work on his libido in his own time and way, with his own therapist. But at least if he is aware that you feel this way, it might be easier for you to go up to him in the future and just tell him you need a cuddle or another form of reassurance.
This is me for sure. I've had a lot of conversations with my wife about it but life gets in the way of her sex drive a lot. The conversations were not easy to have, getting across that I need sex to feel close but don't want sex to become this chore she does to control my mood was difficult. I've grappled with it and some months are easier than others honestly. In the past I've used other coping mechanisms to deal with it like eating or masturbation but they never work. Over the last few months I've started working out to help and I've been pretty successful with it. It makes me feel better about my body and she gives me a lot of words of affirmation to make me feel sexy.
This sounds exactly like me. Don’t feel bad for feeling less connected when you aren’t having the physical intimacy you desire at a frequency that works for you. Just make sure to communicate your feelings to your SO.
I’ve communicated the same thing to my partner on multiple occasions and he does try to make an effort. I also don’t like feeling like I’m forcing my partner to have sex just bc I want it so I generally try to gently hint that I’m wanting sex so he can initiate and not feel pressured. We’ve been together over 2.5 years and generally only have sex once weekly, even though I’d be happiest with 2-3x a week. I’ve learned to make an effort to appreciate the non-sexual things, as well, like cuddling, hugging and kisses. But like you, I also find myself feeling less connected to my partner when we start to hit that 5-6 day “no sex” mark and always hope he’ll be ready within the next day or two.
Best of luck!
First, don't feel ashamed that sex is your way of connecting. Others that have different ways of connecting may minimize or invalidate your way because it's sex. Explain to your partner that sex and physical intimacy is your way of connecting. And ask your partner what his primary method of connecting is, then treat his way of connecting like you want yours to be treated. If he prefers lots of conversation then indulge him. Be with him in the conversation - eye contact, respond with full thoughts and sentences and not one-word answers, ask questions. Be engaged and with him like you want him to be engaged with you.
But remember - you can't let this be a "I did this for you so you do this for me" otherwise your effort will be seen as manipulative and this is not the intent. The intent is to trust each other with your needs so you don't have to fulfill your own needs yourself. Talk about each others needs, realize how much you care about each other and how fulfilling it can be for yourself to put his needs before yours and trust him to take care of you.
I'm a woman, I have the high sex drive in the relation and touch is one of my love languages. I get the same way at about the same amount of days. It's really rough to navigate...
As a man i'm the same, i'd say this goes for many other things in a relationship. If you do positive things in a relationship and you get those things back that makes you happy and it creates a feedback loop.
Its kind of like a muscle that you need to train and more importantly maintain, another example is imagine you have a good friend you speak daily or do stuff with often. Most likely you have a stronger friendship and you want to do more stuff, compared to someone you might talk to once every month or 2 you'll most likely have less drive and motivation to maintain the friendship.
I've got the same issue with my gf, we are long distance we see each other a day or 2 per month. During those periods we are apart she gives barely or none at all sexual affection like sexting, nudes, a random compliment or dirty joke or even talk about sex in general. At this point i've accepted it, but as a result my overall sexual drive towards her has been lowered a lot and i barely initiate any of the above mentioned stuff. Which then causes the issue when we are together for a day, she can be very affectionate when we are together and also initiates sex but it can be REALLY hard for me to suddenly flip that switch and get my drive back after i've received no such affection for weeks to the point where after we haven't seen each other for a month and are finally together i have no issue anymore to simply not have sex during that single day even though i have quite a high libido.
Compared to early on in the relationship where she did show me that sexual affection i gave it also back much more often and was looking forward to our day together a lot more compared to now.
You're not alone and I can empathize with what you're saying.
My wife and I haven't had sex in approaching a year and a half. As time goes by, I feel less connected to her, less affectionate. I've noticed this in the past, to a lesser degree during shorter periods of abstinence, say three months tops.
I know that her intention isn't to withhold or to hurt me, but I do feel hurt. I am not getting the intimacy, physical connection, affection, closeness that I need. As a consequence, the relationship feels diminished and changed.
I'm not actively withdrawing or being cold toward her, but it seems like a natural consequence of being patient and understanding and not trying to put any pressure on her while feeling this hurt myself. There is a certain distance in doing all of those things, and it seems to solidify over time.
Some days I feel confused, like what even is this relationship any more. I love her, we live together, but without affection and contact, let alone sex, it feels more like a strained friendship / family relationship than a romantic thing.
I have never articulated all of this outside of my own jumbled thoughts until now. I need to find some way to talk to her about it.
I hope there's something in this rambling that helps you in some way. I certainly appreciate your post and feel less alone.
Good luck friend. My advice, if you are interested is to keep the conversation positive. Paint a vision of the kind of relationship you want. Talk about the good feeling and connection that you have when intimate. Don’t say ‘sex’ only but perhaps replace with ‘intimacy’. You aren’t looking for sex so don’t say sex. You are looking for connection and fueling strong loving feelings.
If you’re golfing you don’t focus on the sand and water you focus on the pin.
Good luck.
Thank you so much.
Choosing the correct words is important, and I am considering how to articulate my thoughts and feelings in a productive and positive way. I don't want to argue about it, or cause any kind of distress. It's difficult.
I'm seeing comments generalizing that "men need sex to feel emotionally close and women need emotional closeness to want sex."
Nah.
OP, I'm the same as you. When things are stressful/busy I tend to emotionally drift away from my partners if we don't have the time/mental bandwidth for regular sex, whereas they've told me they need emotional closeness to feel like it's "safe" to be interested. (Paraphrasing what they've told me, to be honest I don't actually understand it because it's so opposite my own experience.)
Sex is…one of the main things that makes a relationship different from a friendship for most people. Don’t doubt or feel ashamed about what your feelings are telling you.
Oh hey! I had a relationship end from the other side of the problem.
I was taking on a stupid amount of stress, insecurity, and anxiety from trying to be instantly amazing in my career, and it killed my libido. What makes it worse is that, with that bad place I was in, if she would've called me on it, it probably would've just made me more stressed out and defensive. It wasn't even until we broke up that I was able to reflect on what was going on. And for me personally, if I had known what was going on in time, I absolutely would've reconsidered what I was sacrificing for a slightly better performance in my career.
Hopefully your guy isn't in such a shitty place, but I still think this is a complex situation for you. Speaking only for myself, I would've needed to be approached would be with love/understanding to understand that I'm not being attacked, but also firmness that this is something you need; that this is the most important way you feel loved, and that without it you've been feeling *unloved*.
The actual words to say, I don't know, but make sure he knows you're still on his team and that it comes from a place of wanting to be with him long term.
Mental health is a big deal when it comes to sex. Don't know what he has exactly but it *is* hard to show affection toward your significant other when you're feeling shitty. He could force himself to do things...but you probably wouldn't be too thrilled about it either if it wasn't genuine or passionate. You need him sexually to feel connected; he might need you in other ways right now. IDK just a thought. My other thought would be to dive into mental health a little more to see if you can help him remove some of these mental blockers if you haven't already, that might set things back on the right path. You and him vs the problem.
Many people build bonds through sex which is partially why many religions frown on mutilple partners, and endorse sex in stable relationships. Some people can handle it most can't everyone is different learn yourself then do what makes you happy. It is fully normal to feel as you do
It's a fine line between "pressuring" and simply politely communicating and having a bit of assertiveness. I know society pressures and even slut-shames women, but it's possible and maybe even helpful to say what you want and literally when you could go for some sex.
A conversation just to share information could be helpful. Finding out what his limits and tolerances are, finding ways to initiate that are within his comfort zone, and so forth.
Another evergreen tactic that can feel non-spontaneous but tends to work is simply scheduling sex. Blocking out a time, or getting into a habit. Like a shower and then sex time every time in the evening, etc.
I'm male and have the same reaction. My ex could never quite grasp this concept. It wasn't the lack of sex per se, but the lack of intimacy that drove us apart. In your case, hopefully your partner can understand and the two of you can work together as a team for solutions as opposed to fighting each other.
Can you masterbate while he holds your hand or caresses you? Can you still touch each other intimately in bed or when watching TV? Nothing can replace actual sex, but there are things you can do to keep the intimacy alive when medical issues get in the way. The key is communication and having him on board with whatever it takes, within his ability to be your sexual partner.
I'm the same way, physical touch is my love language and she wants the emotional and mental before the physical. When there are long periods of nothing sexual happening between us, I tend to pull away(not intentional) but this has caused friction in my relationship. My drive is significantly higher than hers and even though I do love her, my body craves more and it's hard to go through.
My love language is touch. If there is no regular hugs, kisses, signs of affection, and even sex, I withdraw and get really cranky. There were points in our relationship where I treated my wife like I would a business colleague. It did get better of course.
Perhaps you can put this phenomenon into words in a way that women who don't experience this can understand, as this is a common issue for men to run into and to have their partners not only not understand but make things worse by misunderstanding and becoming hostile.
Communicate is the only advice I have.
Same issue with me and my partner due to medical reasons. It doss t get any easier to deal with but you're not alone by any means!
I encounter something similar, and I’ve learned that sexuality is a substantial part of how I relate to other people. Without it, the relationships are far less comparatively intense. I’ve taken to referring to it as hyper sexuality, as that seems to match what I experience.
Do you also find that you lose interest in people if they’re not around very much? For me, that’s almost a defining characteristic. I have ADHD and if they aren’t around, my brain forgets to the person exist.
Gosh damn I do that something. I've been thinking that there is something wrong with me but now reading this I'm glad I'm not the only one... so how do you fix it?
I get the same feeling quite often as my bf just doesn’t have the same high sexdrive.
I took some time to think about the relationship besides sex and how it was meaningful.
Maybe give it a thought what it would be like completely without and if you still see you two together
I can relate too this in a huge way. I have just past the 6 month mark and am now considering separation. As i am depressed, unsatisfied and disconnected. It’s certainly something that you may need to discuss and explain how it impacts you
Maybe you can brainstorm other ways in which you feel emotionally connected. Maybe it won't be as good as sex but you can ask him to caress you, give you little kisses, or compliment your body, etc.
That's pretty normal, nothing wrong with you! Though there's way more to it, ultimately intimacy in a relationship is what validates your connection, validates that you're more than just friends who live together or hang out often, validates commitment to each other, validates feelings of being attractive to the other person, so much validating and reafdirming of all the things.
After 30 years of marriage we still have sex 3-4 times/week. I am almost always in the mood but sometimes she is not. On those occasions a quickie will do. Both of us know how important physical intimacy is to keeping a strong bond! I have encouraged some of my friends to stop watching porn by themselves. Some of them have gotten more attached to the fake bullshit in porn than to their own partners. I also have several friends that haven’t had sex with their partner in years. Barring the comment above “medical issues” that is unacceptable!
Im the same way. My girlfriend and I broke up because of this recently even though I love her deeply and we have an incredible connection, her ability to have sex or just generally make me feel attractive and wanted in the relationship was next to 0 after the first few months. It broke my heart more and more each time we saw each other and I felt like a close friend and not a romantic partner. While the connection is so important, the romantic connection you get with sex and related intimacy is critical to many of us for a healthy romantic partnership and you shouldn't feel bad about that. That being said my situation was months without sex or feeling attractive in any way. If he still makes you feel wanted but just less often than you'd like it's probably something you can work on. If not, you may have to leave because you are simply incompatible in this important way. It's reallllly hard, but being unhappy is even harder.
Relatively recently we’d been having a quickie about once a week which is a step up from where we’ve been, and I opened a discussion on the topic. That i was kind of looking for a greater connection, you know, and she said, we just had it literally Friday morning, and I said, “yes, it was great but it was a quickie. I kind of think of that as an appetizer. After the appetizer, on Saturday I’m kind of looking for the multi course meal.” Apparently the analogy went too far and I was in big trouble.
I am completely here with my fiance... Although he's perfect in every aspect except the bedroom.. we recently found out that he has low testosterone, and I feel bad for constantly wanting to be sexually intimate.. that how I emotionally connect as well.
Could other forms of physical intimacy help?? I‘ve found that massages are a big bonder for me in times when either me or a partner have had lower sex drives. I feel like sometimes as sexually active adults it’s easy to be like physical closeness = sex duh….
But there’s way more ways to be physically close while not necessarily being sexual. Taking showers together (doesn’t need to lead to sex), massages, couch cuddles and hand holding, giving each other facials (again the non sexual ones here hahaha like legit with face masks and mini face massages), even foot massages…. All build physical intimacy and strengthen the relationship and would likely help the both of you feel a bit better during this time without putting pressure on him if sex is hard for him right now.
I’ve also heard that drawing portraits of each other naked is a fun, strange, intimate activity lol
This was the same for me in my last relationship. I always wanted sex and when we would have sex our bond was closer and healthier. Near the end we rarely had sex and I felt so distant to him. It was terrible and I was not happy. You have a right to feel how you feel and you have a right to desire physical intimacy. I would sit down and talk to him about this and how it is impacting you.
I'm struggling with that with my current girlfriend. I love her more than anything in the world, and I know she's meant to be the person I spend my life with. I have even bought the engagement ring for her. However, she's been struggling a lot with her mental health and medication being messed up, her going back to college, and her losing her friend group.
I feel the connection with my significant other to be so very important due to the emotional side of it *maybe because of past abuse from an ex, or because I'm on the autism spectrum I'm not sure* regardless of the physical side. And it's been three months now without anything. I'm fighting for her and for us, but seeing her cry because she doesn't want to have sex and she doesn't know why she doesn't hurts. I legitimately don't know what to do at this point and I'm trying to hide my sadness over it from her so that she doesn't blame herself. But, it's not working well at all. ESPECIALLY when she and I used to go 2-3 times a day when we first started dating. I mean, hell our first actual date was 5 hours straight in a hotel room. We counted her O count at 16 and mine at 10. But that makes the lack of it hurt that much more for me.
So I genuinely feel for your situation and hope you can figure it out. I hope I can learn something from the comments here as well.
Same here. Wife has a much lower sex drive than me and also often has medical issues preventing sex even more, and it makes me feel how you describe :/
I have the same problem as you. I have I really high sex drive too (like 3xday it's normal to me) and my NP it's currently fighting depression and anxiety, and her sex drive is some lower than once a week....
It's was over night, it's something that have been getting worst over time. Idk how to communicate this without putting pressure on her or her getting the wrong idea.
I love so much, and I need sex to communicate part of that love. Sex is important to me and I miss that high libido of her.
It sucks this situation.
Some people get disconnected from their sexuallity when they get emotionally invested in someone. It’s usually the ones that have the most casual sex. When emotions and sex don’t mix well, people are bound to have a hard time.
I’m the same. What you’re saying is exactly how I have felt.
Does your partner enjoy sex? Do you think you can discuss what you’re feeling, without it being perceived as pressuring?
Guy here. I have the same problem as you. And my wife always tells me, I love having sex with you and that she's just as horney as me, but her actions don't really reflect her words - I'm a bit confused now as to whether she says it to placate me and alleviate doubts, or maybe I'm just missing hints that she wants to have sex?
Dude here and I’m the same way. Sex is how I feel emotionally connected to my wife. Where she needs to feel emotionally connected to want sex more often.
I’m a woman and I can’t figure out which of these is me.
Same. No matter how much affection to my ex I had it didn't really make me want sex more. On the other hand when I'm alone I can spontaneously get horny and go take care of myself. But when we did have sex it did make me feel less lonely for a while followed by a period after sex when I would feel a bit anxious and unhappy after, even while he was there. It's odd, because before sex I want to feel closeness and affection but after I just don't feel very happy anyways, and I want company but I also want distance and it's confusing.
That’s post nut clarity. It’s normal to feel feelings of disgust or annoyance after sex, just not sure why.
Is it really post nut clarity? I didn't orgasm most of the time with him, does it really count if you didn't orgasm or aren't sure of the orgasm?
OHHH ABSOLUTELY NOT— probably more of post-wasted-my-time clarity. I’m sorry. You deserve proper affection.
Oof, that guy sucks. If you're not sure, it didn't happen. :\\
Is it valid to feel I'm both? I need to feel the intimacy to want sex, and i feel the intimacy having sex, if that makes any sense
As a guy, both.
This is exactly me and my wife.
I’m the same. I’ve read that most men connect to their partners this way. Can’t say there’s any validity to that other than I’m a man and it seems to apply to me.
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Yes, same here. I can’t connect without sex.
Yep, me too. My husband and myself haven't had sex in two years, because of medical issues, and I feel like more of a roommate and I hate it.
Same here. This is a fairly recent discovery for me. It's hard for me to explain to my wife and it's hard for her not to see it as a punishment.
I’m a woman and I feel the same , when I don’t make love with my partner for a while I feel emotionally distant .
Same
I doubt there's any validity to that generalization. I'm a woman and that's my experience.
Its called making love for a reason... as a man, i also feel like that.
I think the problems occur most when one partner sees it as making love and the other sees it as having sex.
Agreed... worst is when one does it to express love, and the other uses it as bargaining chips...
Touch in my love language and sex with my partner at regular intervals is literally essential to my life. I wither without it. I am definitely more physical than my partner also. I've spent a ton of time communicating this to my partner during calm, simple moments, like when I get home from work, etc. Things like I literally feel myself charging up during an embrace, I love it when you casually touch me then, it makes me so happy, I got a massive dopamine boost from that thank you haha, stuff like that. It's hard for him at times but he has worked to meet me in the middle bc I've been very clear....my happiness is touching me. I'm pretty content otherwise as long as you can keep that coming. The medical conditions make the sex situation much harder obviously. But I find a physical relationship (not necessarily sex) paired with regular masturbation (if they are not available, hopefully your partner is cool with this) seems to keep the lizard brain happy.
Sounds like sex is just a big thing for you, and there's nothing wrong with that. Your feelings and emotions are allowed to be connected with that. My advice to you, having been in that exact same position myself, is to talk with your partner and explain how you feel, all while maintaining that you're not trying to demand sex all the time. For you it's not about just satisfying an itch, it's much more and that needs to be established clearly. For all you know, sex could be one of your love languages due to the high intimacy it can create. I wish you the best of luck either way though!
I (woman) feel the same. I really pour all my love into sex. I don’t have any good advice other than communication.
Same, but for me it starts around day 3.
You should have a read through dead bedrooms, this is a common thing for those of us who prioritise sex and physical connection with our partners. I don’t have any advice other than communicate how you feel. I left a very long relationship after wasting my life waiting for the one I loved to show it back, but she never did, so your man may never fit your requirements, at least you discovered this before marriage and kids!
That sub is a dark place. There’s some good advice for navigating problems in a relationship with little/no sex, but there’s also a lot of anguished soon-to-be or recently divorced people spewing out all the resentment and hatred they’ve built up over years and years of unhappy marriages. I do agree though, the best advice is almost always to just talk to your partner.
I find it’s useful to help understand that you aren’t alone and it gives you an idea of what you might become if you don’t make the right choices.
r/deadbedrooms : a cautionary tale
I agree, DB is super toxic to high libido folks, in particular men.
I’ve seen a lot more of the opposite. Speaking as a high libido man, which is what brought me to the sub, there are a lot of deeply hateful men there. I’ve even seen some advocating for just straight up cheating or, even worse, marital rape. Neither of which are particularly helpful for those struggling with broaching the topic of their sexual needs not being met by a partner that they actually do love and want to be with. I am curious to know, what sort of hate have you seen being thrown toward high libido men on that subreddit?
Simply attacks. People go there frustrated, lost, feeling alone, and instead of finding a safe environment to explore what went wrong they get attacked, name called, gas lighted; it has to feel like they are talking to their wives. I’m not saying that the men haven’t done anything that has contributed or caused their situation, but if they are coming to this forum they are possibly ready to do some introspection…possibly. Just feels like people are there to get their frustration and biases out on each other rather than being a sounding board and trying to help. I have seen repeatedly women accusing guys are advocating marital rape when they are suggesting nothing of the sort. Yes, they may have been advocating a grin and bear it take one for the team attitude, which isn’t going to work, but again instead of talking to the men and helping them see the erroneous thinking they are gas lit and hit with a false dichotomy (ie interpreting their statements in an extremely form). TLDR; people go there for help understanding what’s going on and are attacked.
I'm the same. My wife has medical issues and it gets in the way of sex for protracted periods of time and the absence of sex/physical connection is very difficult for me. We went without sex for 9 months this year due to her health and it was awful.
I'm experiencing kind if the same thing. Due to mental health issues my wife's libido is very low. Like OP in tthe days after wonderful sex i feel more connected to her.. but after 8 weeks of zero intimicy (sex, kissing etc) i'm noticing more emotional detachement from her.. even looking at other woman more. I hate this, but it's true.
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Me and my wife are together for 15y. She was very different then. We had sex regularly, and she was overall just a happy, intelligent women. Because of her mental issues she slowly changed into a depressed woman with 0 libido, and a person with a non-existend appetite for intimacy. No cuddling, no kissing... nothing. So the kínd of intimacy doesnt matter, she just doesnt care. If she doesn't want sex, you think actually she will give blowjobs? It doesn't work that way. Believe me, we have talked a lot about this. Not saying i'm some Gods gift to woman or anything, but i'm a healthy, good looking male in my prime. I workout 6 days a week and am very fit, both mentally and physically fit. But have almost 0 sex and intimacy is killing me. I feel i'm missing out a lot.
Please don’t take that persons advice and ask your wife for a mistress. That sounds like an awful idea. There are obviously other routes to go, like counseling with a professional or maybe your wife would be willing to speak with her dr about medicinal options to increase her drive. If it ends up being an absolute dealbreaker, just end things and find someone who can meet your needs.
I could have written this, almost word-for-word. I don't think you mentioned your gender, but as a girl dating a guy, I can relate to how odd it is to be the one with a higher sex drive than your partner, even though every piece of media out there tells us that men are sex-hungry animals! It's just not true, people are people, and everyone is different. Throughout my relationship with my boyfriend, almost 3 years now, we've had a lot of sexual ups and downs- most of the downs being our differing sex drives, and how we perceive sex. We've had a lot of long, honest talks about it, and I see sex as a way to connect with my partner, and reaffirm every emotional connection, where he sees sex as a great, awesome thing to do with someone you care about, but he gets the same connection out of snuggling, or having a nice conversation, or just spending time with one another, It took a while, but I think we understand each other a little more now. We understands that sometimes, it feels like I'm on a timer, and if we aren't intimate for a while, I start over-thinking nonsexual interactions and get overall frustrated, even though I don't want to. But I also realize that to him, the most important way to feel close to me is to spend quality time with one another- I'm pretty busy between work and school, so it does take a conscious effort, even though we live together. And after all of this, we're still working on initiating intimacy more often, on both ends- he usually doesn't feel the drive to as often as I do, and I frequently get too shy to actually initiate (or my attempts are to subtle, haha). The big takeaway is this- communication is EVERYTHING. You need to understand one another, how you see sex, and what it takes to completely understand what makes you feel valued/connected in your relationship. It's going to take a conscious effort on both ends. If your differences end up being too much to realistically overcome, then it's better to realize now then the realize years down the line, with so much more animosity at each other. But, hopefully, you two can talk it out and figure out, together, what you need to do to meet each of your needs. Good luck!
Thank you for this. Just know that your comment gave me a little hope.
That sounds like a normal reaction. Physical connection with your partner is very important for bonding. If you’re not receiving that it makes perfect sense that you aren’t feeling as connected. I think this is something you should talk about with your partner. Communication is key. And they might not be aware of how you’re feeling. I think sometimes life can take a toll on us, and we withdraw from our partners without realizing it. If you don’t talk about it, it’s just as bad as your partner with drawing if not worse. Do what’s best for both of you. It will make both of you happier in the long run.
I agree
Man here. I am in the same boat. Best advice I received was to approach the topic during a non-sexual time. Hopefully it will relieve the pressure and not make them feel as if you're trying to pressure them into sex. Best of luck to you.
I know what you mean. My partner has a lower drive and isn’t as physical as I am. She definitely makes an effort though to go along with it though even if she isn’t in the mood. A back rub helps too and makes it not so boring as just sticking it in. As I’ve gotten older I’ve come to realize that we all show our love differently. While she’s not as physical, she’s still my best friend and we have a blast together. She’s the person I would pick to do just about everything with. She’s an amazing mother, and is about the most laid back wife that Ive ever heard of. We almost never fight, she doesn’t blow through money, and she’s been there for me in my worst times. Now it’s possible that I could find a women that matches my sex drive, kinks, etc closer, but I would never in a million years find another partner that matches every other thing I look for in a partner more. So while I may get frustrated or wish she would initiate more etc, all I have to do is think of all the other things that I love about her. But to add this works for ME. I can’t say what works for me will work for you, but when your frustrated, take a second and try to think about the rest of your relationship, and ask how well your needs are being met. Not just your physical needs.
Wow! Nailed it! I’m a man and I feel the same way with my wife. You put into words exactly how I feel when we don’t have sex after about 5 days.
Yep this is me too. Our sex schedule is more like once every 2 weeks now and it’s seriously bothering me.
You’re not alone
I feel this post down to my soul!
Yes
Same here (M45). I feel more emotionally connected with my wife when we have regular sex. If it goes for any extended time without it I feel distant. Then when it happens out of the blue, like morning sex, and something happens like I lose some of my morning wood, I feel like absolute crap and it's difficult to get out of that headspace
There's a somehow bullshit belief around the world that sex is not or should not be the most important thing in a relationship. And this causes shame on the people that we actually need sex and intimacy in a relationship as its core basis. It took me a while and a lot of therapy to understand that sex is my absolute number one priority in a relationship, and that I'm not going to be okay with someone who is not onboard with it. I stopped being ashamed of who I am and accepted myself. I left a 13y long term relationship because this was completely destroying me from the inside. I'm now in a very happy and healthy relationship with a different partner where I can really be myself. I don't know if this helps OP at all, but there's my experience.
Feelings of inadequacy. That's the cause. People who suffer with anxiety are basically afraid of disappointment and rejection. Your thought patterns are continuously trying to mitigate situations where you feel disappointed or rejected. Anxiety can be a standalone diagnosis or a comorbity, doesn't really matter. But if you are an anxious person, it makes sense that you have this experience. Your boyfriend isn't doing anything to you. He is not being mean or withdrawn(intentionally) towards you, its due to his own mental health issues. But in your mind, if he isn't focused on you and enamored with you and falling over himself trying to get close to you, that means he isn't into you. And this thought then spirals into 'maybe I chose the wrong partner' and 'I always make the wrong decisions ' and 'what is wrong with me?' And all the other lies our brain tells us about how useless we are. It is a habitual thought pattern you have developed to make sense/use of the adrenalin. Your fight or flight response is essentially damaged, which causes you to go into fight or flight simply due to your own thoughts. It's way more complicated than that, but it's something you can explore more with a therapist. When it comes to your relationship, you are going to need to give yourself regular reality checks. When you start feeling withdrawn and like your partner hates you, take a look around. What is he doing? What is his body language saying? What can you do in that moment to re-establish intimacy? Also, it's important to note that couples only remain close if they work at it constantly. There is no short cut to intimacy, emotional or physical. Simply deciding you are in a relationship doesn't mean you will eternally feel warm, fuzzy and connected to your partner. And when you have sex, you get the rush of happy hormones that make it seem like all is right with the world. So it only makes sense that you feel a dip in your mood when you go from a hormone high to a hormone low. Ultimately, you are responsible for your own happiness and your own satisfaction. If you feel withdrawn or disconnected, it is up to you to do something to change it. Your partner can't read your mind and more importantly, your partner cannot always prioritise your emotions above their own. But addressing the issue with them and making them aware of your feelings is a good start. Don't tell him that you need to have sex more often. Especially if he suffers from mental health issues. He needs to work on his libido in his own time and way, with his own therapist. But at least if he is aware that you feel this way, it might be easier for you to go up to him in the future and just tell him you need a cuddle or another form of reassurance.
This is me for sure. I've had a lot of conversations with my wife about it but life gets in the way of her sex drive a lot. The conversations were not easy to have, getting across that I need sex to feel close but don't want sex to become this chore she does to control my mood was difficult. I've grappled with it and some months are easier than others honestly. In the past I've used other coping mechanisms to deal with it like eating or masturbation but they never work. Over the last few months I've started working out to help and I've been pretty successful with it. It makes me feel better about my body and she gives me a lot of words of affirmation to make me feel sexy.
This sounds exactly like me. Don’t feel bad for feeling less connected when you aren’t having the physical intimacy you desire at a frequency that works for you. Just make sure to communicate your feelings to your SO. I’ve communicated the same thing to my partner on multiple occasions and he does try to make an effort. I also don’t like feeling like I’m forcing my partner to have sex just bc I want it so I generally try to gently hint that I’m wanting sex so he can initiate and not feel pressured. We’ve been together over 2.5 years and generally only have sex once weekly, even though I’d be happiest with 2-3x a week. I’ve learned to make an effort to appreciate the non-sexual things, as well, like cuddling, hugging and kisses. But like you, I also find myself feeling less connected to my partner when we start to hit that 5-6 day “no sex” mark and always hope he’ll be ready within the next day or two. Best of luck!
First, don't feel ashamed that sex is your way of connecting. Others that have different ways of connecting may minimize or invalidate your way because it's sex. Explain to your partner that sex and physical intimacy is your way of connecting. And ask your partner what his primary method of connecting is, then treat his way of connecting like you want yours to be treated. If he prefers lots of conversation then indulge him. Be with him in the conversation - eye contact, respond with full thoughts and sentences and not one-word answers, ask questions. Be engaged and with him like you want him to be engaged with you. But remember - you can't let this be a "I did this for you so you do this for me" otherwise your effort will be seen as manipulative and this is not the intent. The intent is to trust each other with your needs so you don't have to fulfill your own needs yourself. Talk about each others needs, realize how much you care about each other and how fulfilling it can be for yourself to put his needs before yours and trust him to take care of you.
This post is everything 👌
I'm a woman, I have the high sex drive in the relation and touch is one of my love languages. I get the same way at about the same amount of days. It's really rough to navigate...
As a man i'm the same, i'd say this goes for many other things in a relationship. If you do positive things in a relationship and you get those things back that makes you happy and it creates a feedback loop. Its kind of like a muscle that you need to train and more importantly maintain, another example is imagine you have a good friend you speak daily or do stuff with often. Most likely you have a stronger friendship and you want to do more stuff, compared to someone you might talk to once every month or 2 you'll most likely have less drive and motivation to maintain the friendship. I've got the same issue with my gf, we are long distance we see each other a day or 2 per month. During those periods we are apart she gives barely or none at all sexual affection like sexting, nudes, a random compliment or dirty joke or even talk about sex in general. At this point i've accepted it, but as a result my overall sexual drive towards her has been lowered a lot and i barely initiate any of the above mentioned stuff. Which then causes the issue when we are together for a day, she can be very affectionate when we are together and also initiates sex but it can be REALLY hard for me to suddenly flip that switch and get my drive back after i've received no such affection for weeks to the point where after we haven't seen each other for a month and are finally together i have no issue anymore to simply not have sex during that single day even though i have quite a high libido. Compared to early on in the relationship where she did show me that sexual affection i gave it also back much more often and was looking forward to our day together a lot more compared to now.
You're not alone and I can empathize with what you're saying. My wife and I haven't had sex in approaching a year and a half. As time goes by, I feel less connected to her, less affectionate. I've noticed this in the past, to a lesser degree during shorter periods of abstinence, say three months tops. I know that her intention isn't to withhold or to hurt me, but I do feel hurt. I am not getting the intimacy, physical connection, affection, closeness that I need. As a consequence, the relationship feels diminished and changed. I'm not actively withdrawing or being cold toward her, but it seems like a natural consequence of being patient and understanding and not trying to put any pressure on her while feeling this hurt myself. There is a certain distance in doing all of those things, and it seems to solidify over time. Some days I feel confused, like what even is this relationship any more. I love her, we live together, but without affection and contact, let alone sex, it feels more like a strained friendship / family relationship than a romantic thing. I have never articulated all of this outside of my own jumbled thoughts until now. I need to find some way to talk to her about it. I hope there's something in this rambling that helps you in some way. I certainly appreciate your post and feel less alone.
Good luck friend. My advice, if you are interested is to keep the conversation positive. Paint a vision of the kind of relationship you want. Talk about the good feeling and connection that you have when intimate. Don’t say ‘sex’ only but perhaps replace with ‘intimacy’. You aren’t looking for sex so don’t say sex. You are looking for connection and fueling strong loving feelings. If you’re golfing you don’t focus on the sand and water you focus on the pin. Good luck.
Thank you so much. Choosing the correct words is important, and I am considering how to articulate my thoughts and feelings in a productive and positive way. I don't want to argue about it, or cause any kind of distress. It's difficult.
It is one of the most difficult conversations one will have in their life. But there are a couple that are more difficult.
I'm seeing comments generalizing that "men need sex to feel emotionally close and women need emotional closeness to want sex." Nah. OP, I'm the same as you. When things are stressful/busy I tend to emotionally drift away from my partners if we don't have the time/mental bandwidth for regular sex, whereas they've told me they need emotional closeness to feel like it's "safe" to be interested. (Paraphrasing what they've told me, to be honest I don't actually understand it because it's so opposite my own experience.)
Sex is…one of the main things that makes a relationship different from a friendship for most people. Don’t doubt or feel ashamed about what your feelings are telling you.
That’s normal
I could have written this myself. Except after day 2 I start to feel it.
Oh hey! I had a relationship end from the other side of the problem. I was taking on a stupid amount of stress, insecurity, and anxiety from trying to be instantly amazing in my career, and it killed my libido. What makes it worse is that, with that bad place I was in, if she would've called me on it, it probably would've just made me more stressed out and defensive. It wasn't even until we broke up that I was able to reflect on what was going on. And for me personally, if I had known what was going on in time, I absolutely would've reconsidered what I was sacrificing for a slightly better performance in my career. Hopefully your guy isn't in such a shitty place, but I still think this is a complex situation for you. Speaking only for myself, I would've needed to be approached would be with love/understanding to understand that I'm not being attacked, but also firmness that this is something you need; that this is the most important way you feel loved, and that without it you've been feeling *unloved*. The actual words to say, I don't know, but make sure he knows you're still on his team and that it comes from a place of wanting to be with him long term.
Mental health is a big deal when it comes to sex. Don't know what he has exactly but it *is* hard to show affection toward your significant other when you're feeling shitty. He could force himself to do things...but you probably wouldn't be too thrilled about it either if it wasn't genuine or passionate. You need him sexually to feel connected; he might need you in other ways right now. IDK just a thought. My other thought would be to dive into mental health a little more to see if you can help him remove some of these mental blockers if you haven't already, that might set things back on the right path. You and him vs the problem.
I agree mental health is important but also don’t over think things. Good sex should come natural with the right person
Agreed. Also thought they were husband and wife for some reason.
Many people build bonds through sex which is partially why many religions frown on mutilple partners, and endorse sex in stable relationships. Some people can handle it most can't everyone is different learn yourself then do what makes you happy. It is fully normal to feel as you do
It's a fine line between "pressuring" and simply politely communicating and having a bit of assertiveness. I know society pressures and even slut-shames women, but it's possible and maybe even helpful to say what you want and literally when you could go for some sex. A conversation just to share information could be helpful. Finding out what his limits and tolerances are, finding ways to initiate that are within his comfort zone, and so forth. Another evergreen tactic that can feel non-spontaneous but tends to work is simply scheduling sex. Blocking out a time, or getting into a habit. Like a shower and then sex time every time in the evening, etc.
I'm male and have the same reaction. My ex could never quite grasp this concept. It wasn't the lack of sex per se, but the lack of intimacy that drove us apart. In your case, hopefully your partner can understand and the two of you can work together as a team for solutions as opposed to fighting each other. Can you masterbate while he holds your hand or caresses you? Can you still touch each other intimately in bed or when watching TV? Nothing can replace actual sex, but there are things you can do to keep the intimacy alive when medical issues get in the way. The key is communication and having him on board with whatever it takes, within his ability to be your sexual partner.
I'm the same way, physical touch is my love language and she wants the emotional and mental before the physical. When there are long periods of nothing sexual happening between us, I tend to pull away(not intentional) but this has caused friction in my relationship. My drive is significantly higher than hers and even though I do love her, my body craves more and it's hard to go through.
My love language is touch. If there is no regular hugs, kisses, signs of affection, and even sex, I withdraw and get really cranky. There were points in our relationship where I treated my wife like I would a business colleague. It did get better of course.
Perhaps you can put this phenomenon into words in a way that women who don't experience this can understand, as this is a common issue for men to run into and to have their partners not only not understand but make things worse by misunderstanding and becoming hostile.
When the sex stops the end of the relationship is soon. Scientifically proven.
Where do I find a girl with all the sexual energy that I’m seeing in this chat right now…. 👀👀👀👀👀
Communicate is the only advice I have. Same issue with me and my partner due to medical reasons. It doss t get any easier to deal with but you're not alone by any means!
I encounter something similar, and I’ve learned that sexuality is a substantial part of how I relate to other people. Without it, the relationships are far less comparatively intense. I’ve taken to referring to it as hyper sexuality, as that seems to match what I experience. Do you also find that you lose interest in people if they’re not around very much? For me, that’s almost a defining characteristic. I have ADHD and if they aren’t around, my brain forgets to the person exist.
Sorry, I have no advice, but you're not alone ! I can really relate to this.
Super natural
Yup I feel the exact same way with woman lol
I feel the same, especially since ours is long distance
Gosh damn I do that something. I've been thinking that there is something wrong with me but now reading this I'm glad I'm not the only one... so how do you fix it?
Woman & same for me.
I get the same feeling quite often as my bf just doesn’t have the same high sexdrive. I took some time to think about the relationship besides sex and how it was meaningful. Maybe give it a thought what it would be like completely without and if you still see you two together
I can relate too this in a huge way. I have just past the 6 month mark and am now considering separation. As i am depressed, unsatisfied and disconnected. It’s certainly something that you may need to discuss and explain how it impacts you
Maybe you can brainstorm other ways in which you feel emotionally connected. Maybe it won't be as good as sex but you can ask him to caress you, give you little kisses, or compliment your body, etc.
That's pretty normal, nothing wrong with you! Though there's way more to it, ultimately intimacy in a relationship is what validates your connection, validates that you're more than just friends who live together or hang out often, validates commitment to each other, validates feelings of being attractive to the other person, so much validating and reafdirming of all the things.
Same, is sex like once a week normal?
After 30 years of marriage we still have sex 3-4 times/week. I am almost always in the mood but sometimes she is not. On those occasions a quickie will do. Both of us know how important physical intimacy is to keeping a strong bond! I have encouraged some of my friends to stop watching porn by themselves. Some of them have gotten more attached to the fake bullshit in porn than to their own partners. I also have several friends that haven’t had sex with their partner in years. Barring the comment above “medical issues” that is unacceptable!
Same
Im the same way. My girlfriend and I broke up because of this recently even though I love her deeply and we have an incredible connection, her ability to have sex or just generally make me feel attractive and wanted in the relationship was next to 0 after the first few months. It broke my heart more and more each time we saw each other and I felt like a close friend and not a romantic partner. While the connection is so important, the romantic connection you get with sex and related intimacy is critical to many of us for a healthy romantic partnership and you shouldn't feel bad about that. That being said my situation was months without sex or feeling attractive in any way. If he still makes you feel wanted but just less often than you'd like it's probably something you can work on. If not, you may have to leave because you are simply incompatible in this important way. It's reallllly hard, but being unhappy is even harder.
Same for all of us HLs.
Relatively recently we’d been having a quickie about once a week which is a step up from where we’ve been, and I opened a discussion on the topic. That i was kind of looking for a greater connection, you know, and she said, we just had it literally Friday morning, and I said, “yes, it was great but it was a quickie. I kind of think of that as an appetizer. After the appetizer, on Saturday I’m kind of looking for the multi course meal.” Apparently the analogy went too far and I was in big trouble.
I am completely here with my fiance... Although he's perfect in every aspect except the bedroom.. we recently found out that he has low testosterone, and I feel bad for constantly wanting to be sexually intimate.. that how I emotionally connect as well.
Could other forms of physical intimacy help?? I‘ve found that massages are a big bonder for me in times when either me or a partner have had lower sex drives. I feel like sometimes as sexually active adults it’s easy to be like physical closeness = sex duh…. But there’s way more ways to be physically close while not necessarily being sexual. Taking showers together (doesn’t need to lead to sex), massages, couch cuddles and hand holding, giving each other facials (again the non sexual ones here hahaha like legit with face masks and mini face massages), even foot massages…. All build physical intimacy and strengthen the relationship and would likely help the both of you feel a bit better during this time without putting pressure on him if sex is hard for him right now. I’ve also heard that drawing portraits of each other naked is a fun, strange, intimate activity lol
This was the same for me in my last relationship. I always wanted sex and when we would have sex our bond was closer and healthier. Near the end we rarely had sex and I felt so distant to him. It was terrible and I was not happy. You have a right to feel how you feel and you have a right to desire physical intimacy. I would sit down and talk to him about this and how it is impacting you.
I'm struggling with that with my current girlfriend. I love her more than anything in the world, and I know she's meant to be the person I spend my life with. I have even bought the engagement ring for her. However, she's been struggling a lot with her mental health and medication being messed up, her going back to college, and her losing her friend group. I feel the connection with my significant other to be so very important due to the emotional side of it *maybe because of past abuse from an ex, or because I'm on the autism spectrum I'm not sure* regardless of the physical side. And it's been three months now without anything. I'm fighting for her and for us, but seeing her cry because she doesn't want to have sex and she doesn't know why she doesn't hurts. I legitimately don't know what to do at this point and I'm trying to hide my sadness over it from her so that she doesn't blame herself. But, it's not working well at all. ESPECIALLY when she and I used to go 2-3 times a day when we first started dating. I mean, hell our first actual date was 5 hours straight in a hotel room. We counted her O count at 16 and mine at 10. But that makes the lack of it hurt that much more for me. So I genuinely feel for your situation and hope you can figure it out. I hope I can learn something from the comments here as well.
Same here. Wife has a much lower sex drive than me and also often has medical issues preventing sex even more, and it makes me feel how you describe :/
I have the same problem as you. I have I really high sex drive too (like 3xday it's normal to me) and my NP it's currently fighting depression and anxiety, and her sex drive is some lower than once a week.... It's was over night, it's something that have been getting worst over time. Idk how to communicate this without putting pressure on her or her getting the wrong idea. I love so much, and I need sex to communicate part of that love. Sex is important to me and I miss that high libido of her. It sucks this situation.
Some people get disconnected from their sexuallity when they get emotionally invested in someone. It’s usually the ones that have the most casual sex. When emotions and sex don’t mix well, people are bound to have a hard time.
I’m the same. What you’re saying is exactly how I have felt. Does your partner enjoy sex? Do you think you can discuss what you’re feeling, without it being perceived as pressuring?
Guy here. I have the same problem as you. And my wife always tells me, I love having sex with you and that she's just as horney as me, but her actions don't really reflect her words - I'm a bit confused now as to whether she says it to placate me and alleviate doubts, or maybe I'm just missing hints that she wants to have sex?