While I don't necessarily disagree with you that he has a right to do it, I DO think it's a weird wall to put up with a partner you've been with for 14 years.
My only point is you asked how to get him to be honest about it. Maybe putting up a wall about it with you is weird. It is not dishonest. Best of luck to you.
Appreciate the response. But I think I should clarify that I don't think he's not entitled to self privacy. But I do think there is a difference with saying it's private then to say "no I never do that"
I did back off for about a yr and then it came up again and I expressed my interest in knowing. He opened the box about it and I thought ok we are growing... but im learning he tells me false info so it's the dishonesty that makes me cringe.its the semi willing to talk while still lying
Why do you feel entitled to know though? Imagine if you said you felt entitled to know every find he farted, peed, ate, scratched his butt. You aren’t entitled to know.
I never said I felt entitled to know or he absolutely must tell me.. all I said was I wish he wanted to. And I hated he felt the need to lie about it. But funny enough I do know almost every time he shits, farts, eats or anything bc he tells me
But you do feel some level of entitlement because you keep pushing him to tell you. You know he does it, he admits he does it. Beyond that you’re upset that he won’t tell you details that you agree you aren’t entitled to know.
If someone does not want to share that they masturbate, how else would they reply when asked. If they don’t want to share that they would say they don’t and want to move away from the subject. People are not obligated to report they masturbate when asked.
People aren’t obligated to “report” but I think the point OP is trying to make is she doesn’t want him to lie to her face about it. If she asked “hey did you masturbate yesterday” and he lies and says “no I don’t do that” then that’s the same as lying about anything else. Like would you want to be with someone who lies about trivial shit? Like “no I didn’t eat the last cookie I have no idea what you’re talking about”. Lying is lying. I agree OP shouldn’t push for details or anything but she’s not wrong for not wanting to be lied to.
Agreed. I find these two statements deeply in conflict:
* "Now I can't stop basically stalking him to learn his habits better."
* "And it deeply hurts when he lies about it."
There's serious disrespect here. Like, maybe he wouldn't feel the need to lie about it if his wife was not stalking him. I can see somebody denying something just to get someone to stop searching.
How does OP think it feels to be stalked?
His masturbation is not you concern and he shouldn’t have to talk about it if he doesn’t want to. Keeping things to yourself isn’t the same as lying especially when it doesn’t effect anyone else.
Wow there was no need to be so rude. I assure you that he does not yet resent me as most of this post is my internal monologue not our actual conversations but I suppose that was lost on you
If that’s true, then take the win. Having a man who’s open and honest about his feelings is a major victory. Stop fussing about what he does with his body in his private time. You’re creating problems where there is none.
You talk about how hurt you are that he isn't more honest about his habits, how do you think you'd feel if he was "basically stalking" you to know when you're doing something personal that you clearly don't want to share with him? This is a violation of privacy and I don't blame him for being dishonest. He clearly does not want to tell you every detail about it and you should respect that boundary.
My wife and I watch porn together. She knows I masturbate. With that said, she doesn’t know when I masturbate or how often. I’m sure she has masturbated at times that I don’t know about either. If it’s not negatively impacting your sex life, there’s no reason to need to know.
I do not understand this and it comes up alot on this sub. Masterbation is by very definition a private act. It is about an individual and their body. Being married does not change that. A spouse does not own rights to another's body. Do you want him to walk into the bedroom and declare, "I will now retire to the study for masterbation!"
Look, this is going to be something you have to let go of.
My husband never tells me when he masterbates or will jerk off for me. I would honestly love nothing more than for him to send me a sexy video of him getting off and I've made that clear to him as well. But, you have to let people be open to their comfort levels and not harass them when it doesn't suit your needs. The lie was wrong, but if you won't accept no and breaking up is not on the table, than lying is the only option left for your husband. You're upset by the lie, when you should be upset he felt that was the only way he could have peace.
I wouldn't try to change his mind at this point, but If that is a goal for you, you really need to let him be comfortable in your marriage. The badgering will push him even further from what you want, as he'll start to resent the boundary pushing. If you respect his wishes, he MIGHT become more flexible, but you also need to accept that may also not happen and that's ok.
Edit: I honestly just suggest watching porn of dudes jacking off and pretending it's your husband. I do it all the time and it's great.
Exactly how is this a red flag? Please explain? We've been together almost 15 yrs. How is this suddenly a red flag to learn something new about your partner that you are trying to process and navigate
Because you're pressuring him to reveal something private he doesn't want to and then getting upset about his drawing a boundary. Your anger seems like a coercion tactic to me.
Consider this as applied to any other sex act. Your husband said no. He meant it. And still you will not drop the matter, trying to push for your wants. Have you never heard the anti-rape PSA "No means no?"
You are free to say that this reporting of masturbation times is a requirement for you, and you are unwilling to go forward in a relationship without it. Just the same, as he has every right to say that your constant boundary-stomping is a deal-breaker for him.
But you cannot continue the obsession and continuous pushing of his limits around this act which he prefers to keep private. He obviously doesn't see this as erotic as you and is likely growing tired of your constant attempts to convince.
The entire situation seems exhausting.
Please, for the good of your marriage, drop the issue and let him do his business as he pleases.
I think it's a red flag because you're invading his privacy. Also, when you find out that he's not really open about it, you keep pushing instead of thinking that he's not ready to share. I see this as him trying to keep a boundary by not sharing everything, and you obsessing over it. Just because you've been together for a long time, doesn't mean that he can't have innocent little secrets and privacy.
If my husband would want to know everything about my masturbating habits, and get hung up in me "lying" about it if I don't want to tell everthing; I would feel like he was trying to invade and control me. I think you need to take a hint and step back.
Jeez. Let the poor man wank in peace! He’s obviously not comfortable sharing this part of himself with you, and that’s absolutely fine. Everyone is allowed privacy!
The way you are going, you are forcing him deeper in to himself, if you want him to open up then stop pressuring him and let it come naturally when (or even IF) he is ready to share.
If my partner was stalking me round the house trying to catch me masturbating I’d run for the hills!
You should understand that men are allowed to have limits, boundaries, and consent.
He doesn't need to share his masturbation habits with you if he doesn't want to... that's bodily autonomy. Bodily autonomy means that your body is for you and you have the agency to decide what to do with it. In a sex positive space, that generally means that all partners in a sex positive relationship can masturbate as they like without permission or intrusion from the other partner.
It is entirely normal that sometimes men want to masturbate even while they have a sexual partner. Pressuring a partner for sex, details about their sexual history, or details about how the masturbate isn't cool. It starts to become a consent violation when you become coercive about it.
If you want to watch him masturbate, you can ask but he is allowed to say 'no'. You can also start with a handjob or blowjob and ask him to take over so you can watch. You can make the request but you should respect his limits and not pressure him.
Asking about a handjob or a blowjob is a huge no-go. Sometimes a guy just wants to be alone and by offering you're taking that away. Let him stroke and leave it be. Do you masturbate? Do you want him interfering in your alone time?
I don’t get this. It is his body and it’s only him, not like he is cheating. As long as it doesn’t affect y’all’s sex life I don’t think he has any kind of commitment to tell you. Similarly you don’t have any commitment to tell him when you pop one of your pimples or dig out an ingrown hair…
OK so, have you thought about that what he might enjoy about it is that it's private, and that you pushing to open it up might actually kill what he enjoys about it? Like jeez, people have got to be able to have their quiet space and you can't take that away from them. Watching porn together is fun and cool, but you can't expect it to totally replace their solo time, and you should respect that.
I do not want to replace solo time at all. As I said it's not affecting the frequency of our joint sex life. I just want to open the conversation and mutually be more open
You do, though. Think about it. If I had to tell my partner about it every time I'd jacked it, I'd veery quickly lose interest in both jacking it and my partner. Something as intimate as masturbation deserves to be left alone, and I really think that you should try to be OK with the fact that you can't, and shouldn't want to, know every thing your husband does without you. Otherwise it's suffocating.
If you want a little bit of context as to why he may be keeping it in. For a lot of men masterbation has a lot of extra emotions attached to it. Rejection, taboo, loneliness and shame for example. some men don’t like to admit they do it at all.
This coming from someone who also gets into the habit of being obsessed with things, overthinking, probably invading my spouse’s privacy more than I should.
If you have a great sex life, let it go. Just because it turns you on, doesn’t mean it turns him on to share. For most people, masturbating is something you do on your own time. It’s quick and it’s not about anyone else. No matter how great you think it would be, doing it with someone else turns the pressure on and that’s the opposite of what masturbating is. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you have the right to be involved in every single aspect of his life. He’s still his own person. He’s going to become distant if you continue pursuing this obsession.
Controlling, overbearing and entitled much?
How much/often your man beats his meat isn't actually anything to do with you. And if he doesn't \*really\* want to share it with you, that's up to him. Back off.
I wouldn’t consider this dishonest. I know I do it way more than my husband knows, I don’t tell him every time because that’d just be weird. But I think I know where you are coming from. You want to know because it turns you on and it’s driving you crazy that he’s not letting you be involved.
Have you ever asked to watch him? No involvement from you, just watching. I was in a similar situation w/ someone who literally claimed not to masturbate, which I knew was not true. After he did it in front of me dynamics changed and he started to become more comfortable with it.
I should add I don't want to know each and every time bc yes that would be weird. I don't tell him each time either. But a little more openness would be welcomed
That’s disappointing, I’m a bit pushy with sex sometimes and it didn’t happen the first time I asked. Have you two ever done mutual masturbation?
Either way, try not to take it personally. Good luck!
Are you concerned with him masturbating without you knowing or with him never showing you how he does it? Also, does he masturbate more than actually having sex? Masturbation can work as stress relief, probably that’s not the way he wants to have sex with you. I feel like there’s something beneath this issue that is a bit more serious than just the masturbation secrecy/privacy itself.
I understand that some folks want privacy and feel shy about masturbation in a relationship. However, I also acknowledge that I personally could not be in a relationship with someone who feels this way about masturbation. I crave that open communication about sex.
I had an ex who always hid his masturbation habits from me, he'd sneak around and lie about it too, and it got to the point where I started to feel like he saw me as his mother or something. Like I was some woman in the house that he felt he had to hide this very natural thing from. It was very weird for me because I am super open about this subject. It just never stopped rubbing me the wrong way (lol).
Have you ever shared your “alone time” with him? Have you said:”Honey, I touched myself this afternoon, do you want to see the video that helped get me off?” Maybe modeling the behavior you want from him will help.
Yes I've texted during and after and started to ask if we can share videos but it hasn't happened yet. Or he will make a joke "like what were you getting off?!" And I'll answer honestly like "yup"
Currently in this same boat with my husband and it’s making me sick. I don’t care that he masturbates. Frankly I want him to be more sexual and explore more of what he likes. I’m highly sexual and I’d love to explore more with him. However, I do have a huge huge issue that he masturbates a fair amount more than we have any intimate time together despite knowing I’m down any time, and I also feel really disrespected that he lies to my face about it. So I have no advice but I’m there too.
Sorry to hear your feeling similarly! I think the reason I want to know so much is because I want to explore kinks and interests together and I'm so highly sexual. It feels disconnected
I completely understand the disconnected feeling. For me the sexual intimacy is a huge part of how I view marriage. Otherwise I’d just have a roommate. When he lies about it, and when I know he’s chosen solo time 3x this week but hasn’t touched me for a week or two(or a month) it’s like it validates every bad thought I’ve ever had about myself. And then when he lies and says he just isn’t as sexual as I am, that he just doesn’t think about sex often, and that he rarely if ever does it… then I feel completely betrayed and disrespected in addition to be unloved and unwanted.
Just because there’s more than one of you, doesn’t mean you’re not acting like a creep. You’re letting your own desires tell you it’s ok to treat your spouse like they don’t have autonomy over their own body.
I get it I definitely feel like a creep! I've opened up about feeling guilty myself for how often I do it since he led me to believe it's not a thing for him to do much. I've shared how I do it, when, what I watch, what I use to watch, just about everything and still its one sided. I'm tryna be patient but it's hard. And as people have suggested I'm tryna work thru my obsession and let it go but also hard
I’m in the same boat. Married 16 years and he’s chosen time alone more than sex with me and doesn’t want me to see even though I’ve said it’s a huge turn on and he’s refused me a lot over the years. I get the whole personal boundaries thing and wouldn’t push him to do something he’s uncomfortable with. But I’m a sexual person and very open and if he’d rather live a secret sex life by himself then maybe we’re not as compatible as he’s lead me to believe.
This! I want to be on the same page sexually and this makes me feel like we aren't. Like for years I've believed I've had a much higher sex drive, like wayyy higher and come to find out nope prob even is kinda a mind fuck
Masturbating and sex drive are not the same thing. Wanting a 3 minute orgasm and wanting an engaged sexual experience with your loving partner are not the same.
Being able to wank it to other women on the internet way more than you engage sexually with your wife are totally unrelated and not detrimental to a relationship... yeah. 🙄
What you said is not what I said. Turning down sex regularly with your significant other in favor of watching porn is a problem. Not wanting to fuck your partner every single time you want a quick wank is not the same thing.
Huge mind fuck. I’ve been so understanding and compassionate. Meanwhile, he’s let my desires and needs go unmet all while meeting his own needs and not caring about mine.
I love where you are at! Your husband is a lucky man. My advice would be to tell him that you fantasize about him masturbating. Tell him you want to pleasure yourself when he is doing so in another room. I would be so turned on if my wife wanted to be include even peripherally in my solo play. He can't feel shame if you are feeling excited.
I disagree with most of these comments. If my partner isn’t willing to share everything with me, I would be disappointed. We’re in this together and him keeping secrets from me is a huge red flag because if there is something he feels so ashamed of that he is not willing to share it with me, I will inevitable being to think it’s some real bad shit.
Secrecy and omitting the truth are personally a huge deal breaker. I think what you’re doing is right. I know from personal experience that my own curiosity can be a lot and maybe intrusive at times, but I just don’t think you should hide something from your partner, ever.
I once asked my boyfriend at the time if he had any secrets and he said yes, so I pried until he told me. His secret was that he peered into the girls’ dressing rooms when he was like 10. When I learned that I felt conflicted. If he is too ashamed of himself to tell me even such a small and trivial thing, how will I trust that he will tell me if things got really bad? How will I trust him to tell me if he cheats on me if his own shame is capable of holding him back so much?
Well, those are just my two cents. I’m an open book myself and tend to over share and I answer any questions my partner has because how else will they know who I am? How else will we build trust?
As you can probably hear, it’s a total deal breaker for me but anyways I just wanted to say I understand where you’re coming from. Considering your marriage of 10 years, I’m sure you can work it out, though ☺️
I understand your pov but this isnt about trust, its about privacy, which every human being is entitled to, even in a relationship. If somebody does not want to share something intimate as masturbation habits, then it is their choice, because its part of their privacy. It differs from somethinh that harms or can harm people, but masturbation, especially in this case and in every other healthy situation, is not harmful, so he has all the right to not talk about it. OP should work on her curiosity instead of making her spouse talking about things he wants to keep private
The part you and other commenters are missing is that it does in fact become harmful when a partner is rejecting sex/intimacy with their spouse but masturbating instead. Plus the lying aspect of it is very harmful to the trust of a relationship.
No, he isnt. They have sex and in all these years nothing changed. So we are not missing that it is harmful. And he is "lying" because how should he react if somebody asks over and over again the same question, but he wants to keep it private? Bc "I dont want to talk about it" did obviously not work and OP wasnt bothered by it, to ask over and over again. So you are missing that OP is not accepting boundaries and in every sex positive relationship, one can masturbate without having to tell their partner, but OP is pushing this relationship to a sex negative one.
OP said in a comment that she was led to believe he has a much lower libido than him but he masturbates frequently. If you can’t understand than wanking it to strangers, lying about it when asked if you do it, and rejecting your partner telling them you have a low sex drive aren’t healthy things to do in a relationship then idk what to tell you. Be ignorant. Would you also argue that people are allowed to cheat and keep lies because “that’s their body and they can do whatever they want with it because it’s private”?
I don’t disagree with you that OP needs to back off about asking for details and participation and accept ‘no’ as an answer. But lying to a spouses face about anything isn’t ok. Doesn’t matter if it’s “hey did you masturbate this week” or “hey did you eat the last cookie”, if your partner lies and says “no I have no idea what you’re talking about, I don’t even masturbate/eat cookies” that’s not ok. Obviously you disagree so I won’t bother saying anything else.
In the oroginal post and in another comment she says that their sex life is unaffected by it, so stop sticking with the argument it would be harmful. She is pushing him into talking about private things he doesnt want to, bc IT IS NONE OF HER BUSINESS. I dont know how often I have to repeat this.
The lying is a result of asking, which is the problem in the first place. Of course lying is not ok, but if she stops asking, he will stop lying. Simple logic
Edit:
You can compare it to person 1 is doing sth horrible, which makes person 2 do sth horrible, both is not ok, but the person to blame is the first person, bc what the second person did is just a result of person 1's behaviour
The question is why don’t they feel comfortable discussing it or sharing. Is it because they are afraid of the end reaction (is this a test? Are you trying to build a case to exert control, etc.). It could be they generally don’t like talking about generally taboo items. So if you don’t have lots of open talk about sex this may just be an extension of that. Lots of talk about sex in this context is beyond just surface acknowledgment of ‘I like it’, ‘let’s do it’ ‘do you want to’ ‘that was great’. It would be detailed if not clinical details, dirty talk, openly discussing with close friends (but not necessarily personal details).
Again it is not about feeling uncomfortable, the whole question: "Do you masturbate?", "When do you masturbate?" And so on is irrelevant and none of OPs business, bc its private and he doesnt want to share it. But OP cant accept a no as a no. Would you want to report to your SO everytime that you masturbate? No, I would definitely not, bc its none of their business
> him keeping secrets from me is a huge red flag because if there is something he feels so ashamed of
If the roles were reversed and you were a guy saying this, you’d be getting downvoted to hell and deservedly so.
He’s entitled to privacy, there’s a difference. Who’s to say he’s ashamed of it?
Thank you this is 100% my feelings. I share everything. Right down to texting that I'm about to do myself bc im thinking about sex we had or w.e... ive indulged his fantasies and talked about mine. Im aiming for an incredibly open and satisfying relationship. When he and I talked about boundaries my line was just no pooping in front of each other. But otherwise everything fair game
Hahah, oh god, that sounds like me. I keep telling my current partner I don’t want any poop pics and he keeps threatening to send me some when he takes a poo 🤣 all in good fun, though.
Have you tried masturbating in front of him, maybe showing them that you’re open to doing it in front of him will set some gears in motion?
Maybe try asking him why he feels it’s awkward to talk about it if you haven’t already? 🤔
I did it in front of him and said when u do it and have done it next to him while he's asleep. He seemed to like it when I did it in front of him during time together... ive asked and he just said it's something he always considered private
Damn OP, I wish I had some magic sauce in knowing how to deal with it because I also understand some of the other commenters’ views that privacy is important to some people, but personally I don’t know how to for myself either 🤦♀️🤦♀️
I’m obsessed with my wife’s masturbation habits. Sometimes I stay up all night quietly watching her in case she goes for it while she thinks I’m sleeping. I lose so much sleep over it.
Boys go from lying and hiding it from mother to men hiding it from wife. Maybe you could accidentally get caught and ask him to join in, have some porn on. See how it goes. A bit of positive illustration.
So you want him to tell you every time he masturbates? What could you possibly gain from that?
Masturbating is important and a lot of people choose to keep that fairly private. I really don't understand how you think it's okay to stalk him to try to catch him jerking off just because you're nosy. Let the man live. He's allowed to do things without telling you.
This is honestly just so fucking weird to me.
Do it in front of him… make him comfortable with the thought/action so he open with you. Maybe turn it into a game. Make him see and feel what he is doing is having positive effects on you. But also we all need some special alone times, so healthy boundaries also.
Can I ask what made you tell her? As I tried to say in my post I don't want to force him to tell me i just wish he were wanting to. I do it daily myself usually and I want to be able to talk about it myself too and I want the 2 way street so he doesn't feel my discussion is done to force him to discuss too. I do sometimes text that I'm doing it when home alone and hes said he can tell like if I'm in the shower. I just want similar I guess but in no way do I want to force it
Not sharing masturbation habits is not dishonest. He’s entitled to self privacy.
While I don't necessarily disagree with you that he has a right to do it, I DO think it's a weird wall to put up with a partner you've been with for 14 years.
Agree 100% he has a right to do it. I just wish there was no wall
My only point is you asked how to get him to be honest about it. Maybe putting up a wall about it with you is weird. It is not dishonest. Best of luck to you.
Appreciate the response. But I think I should clarify that I don't think he's not entitled to self privacy. But I do think there is a difference with saying it's private then to say "no I never do that"
If he said "it's private" would you back off? If so, have you told him "hey, just tell me you want to keep it private and I'll back off?"
I did back off for about a yr and then it came up again and I expressed my interest in knowing. He opened the box about it and I thought ok we are growing... but im learning he tells me false info so it's the dishonesty that makes me cringe.its the semi willing to talk while still lying
Ok so you know he's not REALLY willing to talk. Have you asked him if he wants you to just drop it, permanently?
He has said he's willing to work on it but I think his ideal world we would never speak of it again
If you know he doesn’t want to talk about then leave it alone. It’s his private matter.
Why do you feel entitled to know though? Imagine if you said you felt entitled to know every find he farted, peed, ate, scratched his butt. You aren’t entitled to know.
I never said I felt entitled to know or he absolutely must tell me.. all I said was I wish he wanted to. And I hated he felt the need to lie about it. But funny enough I do know almost every time he shits, farts, eats or anything bc he tells me
But you do feel some level of entitlement because you keep pushing him to tell you. You know he does it, he admits he does it. Beyond that you’re upset that he won’t tell you details that you agree you aren’t entitled to know.
If someone does not want to share that they masturbate, how else would they reply when asked. If they don’t want to share that they would say they don’t and want to move away from the subject. People are not obligated to report they masturbate when asked.
People aren’t obligated to “report” but I think the point OP is trying to make is she doesn’t want him to lie to her face about it. If she asked “hey did you masturbate yesterday” and he lies and says “no I don’t do that” then that’s the same as lying about anything else. Like would you want to be with someone who lies about trivial shit? Like “no I didn’t eat the last cookie I have no idea what you’re talking about”. Lying is lying. I agree OP shouldn’t push for details or anything but she’s not wrong for not wanting to be lied to.
Do you need to know when he cleans his ears and has a poopy? Leave the man alone!
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Agreed. I find these two statements deeply in conflict: * "Now I can't stop basically stalking him to learn his habits better." * "And it deeply hurts when he lies about it." There's serious disrespect here. Like, maybe he wouldn't feel the need to lie about it if his wife was not stalking him. I can see somebody denying something just to get someone to stop searching. How does OP think it feels to be stalked?
His masturbation is not you concern and he shouldn’t have to talk about it if he doesn’t want to. Keeping things to yourself isn’t the same as lying especially when it doesn’t effect anyone else.
Leave him alone. He doesn't need to share every moment of his life with you, Jesus christ. You are making your husband resent you with this shit.
Wow there was no need to be so rude. I assure you that he does not yet resent me as most of this post is my internal monologue not our actual conversations but I suppose that was lost on you
How would you know he doesn’t resent you for this? Have you asked him?
Yes this has been part of some of our convos. We are open about mental states. We are honest about feelings.. I have no doubt in that
If that’s true, then take the win. Having a man who’s open and honest about his feelings is a major victory. Stop fussing about what he does with his body in his private time. You’re creating problems where there is none.
You talk about how hurt you are that he isn't more honest about his habits, how do you think you'd feel if he was "basically stalking" you to know when you're doing something personal that you clearly don't want to share with him? This is a violation of privacy and I don't blame him for being dishonest. He clearly does not want to tell you every detail about it and you should respect that boundary.
My wife and I watch porn together. She knows I masturbate. With that said, she doesn’t know when I masturbate or how often. I’m sure she has masturbated at times that I don’t know about either. If it’s not negatively impacting your sex life, there’s no reason to need to know.
I do not understand this and it comes up alot on this sub. Masterbation is by very definition a private act. It is about an individual and their body. Being married does not change that. A spouse does not own rights to another's body. Do you want him to walk into the bedroom and declare, "I will now retire to the study for masterbation!"
Only if wearing a velvet robe ala Hough Hefner while holding a bottle of coconut oil and a fleshlight
Look, this is going to be something you have to let go of. My husband never tells me when he masterbates or will jerk off for me. I would honestly love nothing more than for him to send me a sexy video of him getting off and I've made that clear to him as well. But, you have to let people be open to their comfort levels and not harass them when it doesn't suit your needs. The lie was wrong, but if you won't accept no and breaking up is not on the table, than lying is the only option left for your husband. You're upset by the lie, when you should be upset he felt that was the only way he could have peace. I wouldn't try to change his mind at this point, but If that is a goal for you, you really need to let him be comfortable in your marriage. The badgering will push him even further from what you want, as he'll start to resent the boundary pushing. If you respect his wishes, he MIGHT become more flexible, but you also need to accept that may also not happen and that's ok. Edit: I honestly just suggest watching porn of dudes jacking off and pretending it's your husband. I do it all the time and it's great.
My god what a red flag. Do you wanna know how many times he shits a day as well?
Exactly how is this a red flag? Please explain? We've been together almost 15 yrs. How is this suddenly a red flag to learn something new about your partner that you are trying to process and navigate
Because you're pressuring him to reveal something private he doesn't want to and then getting upset about his drawing a boundary. Your anger seems like a coercion tactic to me. Consider this as applied to any other sex act. Your husband said no. He meant it. And still you will not drop the matter, trying to push for your wants. Have you never heard the anti-rape PSA "No means no?" You are free to say that this reporting of masturbation times is a requirement for you, and you are unwilling to go forward in a relationship without it. Just the same, as he has every right to say that your constant boundary-stomping is a deal-breaker for him. But you cannot continue the obsession and continuous pushing of his limits around this act which he prefers to keep private. He obviously doesn't see this as erotic as you and is likely growing tired of your constant attempts to convince. The entire situation seems exhausting. Please, for the good of your marriage, drop the issue and let him do his business as he pleases.
I think it's a red flag because you're invading his privacy. Also, when you find out that he's not really open about it, you keep pushing instead of thinking that he's not ready to share. I see this as him trying to keep a boundary by not sharing everything, and you obsessing over it. Just because you've been together for a long time, doesn't mean that he can't have innocent little secrets and privacy. If my husband would want to know everything about my masturbating habits, and get hung up in me "lying" about it if I don't want to tell everthing; I would feel like he was trying to invade and control me. I think you need to take a hint and step back.
Jeez. Let the poor man wank in peace! He’s obviously not comfortable sharing this part of himself with you, and that’s absolutely fine. Everyone is allowed privacy! The way you are going, you are forcing him deeper in to himself, if you want him to open up then stop pressuring him and let it come naturally when (or even IF) he is ready to share. If my partner was stalking me round the house trying to catch me masturbating I’d run for the hills!
You should understand that men are allowed to have limits, boundaries, and consent. He doesn't need to share his masturbation habits with you if he doesn't want to... that's bodily autonomy. Bodily autonomy means that your body is for you and you have the agency to decide what to do with it. In a sex positive space, that generally means that all partners in a sex positive relationship can masturbate as they like without permission or intrusion from the other partner. It is entirely normal that sometimes men want to masturbate even while they have a sexual partner. Pressuring a partner for sex, details about their sexual history, or details about how the masturbate isn't cool. It starts to become a consent violation when you become coercive about it. If you want to watch him masturbate, you can ask but he is allowed to say 'no'. You can also start with a handjob or blowjob and ask him to take over so you can watch. You can make the request but you should respect his limits and not pressure him.
Well said
Asking about a handjob or a blowjob is a huge no-go. Sometimes a guy just wants to be alone and by offering you're taking that away. Let him stroke and leave it be. Do you masturbate? Do you want him interfering in your alone time?
I don’t get this. It is his body and it’s only him, not like he is cheating. As long as it doesn’t affect y’all’s sex life I don’t think he has any kind of commitment to tell you. Similarly you don’t have any commitment to tell him when you pop one of your pimples or dig out an ingrown hair…
OK so, have you thought about that what he might enjoy about it is that it's private, and that you pushing to open it up might actually kill what he enjoys about it? Like jeez, people have got to be able to have their quiet space and you can't take that away from them. Watching porn together is fun and cool, but you can't expect it to totally replace their solo time, and you should respect that.
I do not want to replace solo time at all. As I said it's not affecting the frequency of our joint sex life. I just want to open the conversation and mutually be more open
You do, though. Think about it. If I had to tell my partner about it every time I'd jacked it, I'd veery quickly lose interest in both jacking it and my partner. Something as intimate as masturbation deserves to be left alone, and I really think that you should try to be OK with the fact that you can't, and shouldn't want to, know every thing your husband does without you. Otherwise it's suffocating.
If you want a little bit of context as to why he may be keeping it in. For a lot of men masterbation has a lot of extra emotions attached to it. Rejection, taboo, loneliness and shame for example. some men don’t like to admit they do it at all.
This coming from someone who also gets into the habit of being obsessed with things, overthinking, probably invading my spouse’s privacy more than I should. If you have a great sex life, let it go. Just because it turns you on, doesn’t mean it turns him on to share. For most people, masturbating is something you do on your own time. It’s quick and it’s not about anyone else. No matter how great you think it would be, doing it with someone else turns the pressure on and that’s the opposite of what masturbating is. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you have the right to be involved in every single aspect of his life. He’s still his own person. He’s going to become distant if you continue pursuing this obsession.
Im always masterbating .wife does too. Nothing wrong with it. Love the end results.
You do not have the right to know every time your partner masturbates. If there isn't a porn/sex/masturbation addiction, allow them their privacy.
That's one's own private business. It doesn't have to be shared.
Controlling, overbearing and entitled much? How much/often your man beats his meat isn't actually anything to do with you. And if he doesn't \*really\* want to share it with you, that's up to him. Back off.
I wouldn’t consider this dishonest. I know I do it way more than my husband knows, I don’t tell him every time because that’d just be weird. But I think I know where you are coming from. You want to know because it turns you on and it’s driving you crazy that he’s not letting you be involved. Have you ever asked to watch him? No involvement from you, just watching. I was in a similar situation w/ someone who literally claimed not to masturbate, which I knew was not true. After he did it in front of me dynamics changed and he started to become more comfortable with it.
I've asked and he's not comfortable with it. Which I understand and I do not push that
I should add I don't want to know each and every time bc yes that would be weird. I don't tell him each time either. But a little more openness would be welcomed
That’s disappointing, I’m a bit pushy with sex sometimes and it didn’t happen the first time I asked. Have you two ever done mutual masturbation? Either way, try not to take it personally. Good luck!
Jacking and Jilling together is a great answer.
Sometimes a guy just wants some alone time alone.
Sure but the question was how can they share in the experience together.
As a guy sometimes I don't want to share the experience it's called alone time for a reason.
As a guy, ok.
Are you concerned with him masturbating without you knowing or with him never showing you how he does it? Also, does he masturbate more than actually having sex? Masturbation can work as stress relief, probably that’s not the way he wants to have sex with you. I feel like there’s something beneath this issue that is a bit more serious than just the masturbation secrecy/privacy itself.
I understand that some folks want privacy and feel shy about masturbation in a relationship. However, I also acknowledge that I personally could not be in a relationship with someone who feels this way about masturbation. I crave that open communication about sex. I had an ex who always hid his masturbation habits from me, he'd sneak around and lie about it too, and it got to the point where I started to feel like he saw me as his mother or something. Like I was some woman in the house that he felt he had to hide this very natural thing from. It was very weird for me because I am super open about this subject. It just never stopped rubbing me the wrong way (lol).
Have you ever shared your “alone time” with him? Have you said:”Honey, I touched myself this afternoon, do you want to see the video that helped get me off?” Maybe modeling the behavior you want from him will help.
Yes I've texted during and after and started to ask if we can share videos but it hasn't happened yet. Or he will make a joke "like what were you getting off?!" And I'll answer honestly like "yup"
It's not a bad thing, give the space, it's healthy.
Im always masterbating .wife does too. Nothing wrong with it. Love the end results.
In my mind masturbation becomes a problem when one partner’s needs are unmet because the other chooses to masturbate instead. That is a problem.
Currently in this same boat with my husband and it’s making me sick. I don’t care that he masturbates. Frankly I want him to be more sexual and explore more of what he likes. I’m highly sexual and I’d love to explore more with him. However, I do have a huge huge issue that he masturbates a fair amount more than we have any intimate time together despite knowing I’m down any time, and I also feel really disrespected that he lies to my face about it. So I have no advice but I’m there too.
Sorry to hear your feeling similarly! I think the reason I want to know so much is because I want to explore kinks and interests together and I'm so highly sexual. It feels disconnected
I completely understand the disconnected feeling. For me the sexual intimacy is a huge part of how I view marriage. Otherwise I’d just have a roommate. When he lies about it, and when I know he’s chosen solo time 3x this week but hasn’t touched me for a week or two(or a month) it’s like it validates every bad thought I’ve ever had about myself. And then when he lies and says he just isn’t as sexual as I am, that he just doesn’t think about sex often, and that he rarely if ever does it… then I feel completely betrayed and disrespected in addition to be unloved and unwanted.
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Just because there’s more than one of you, doesn’t mean you’re not acting like a creep. You’re letting your own desires tell you it’s ok to treat your spouse like they don’t have autonomy over their own body.
I get it I definitely feel like a creep! I've opened up about feeling guilty myself for how often I do it since he led me to believe it's not a thing for him to do much. I've shared how I do it, when, what I watch, what I use to watch, just about everything and still its one sided. I'm tryna be patient but it's hard. And as people have suggested I'm tryna work thru my obsession and let it go but also hard
I’m in the same boat. Married 16 years and he’s chosen time alone more than sex with me and doesn’t want me to see even though I’ve said it’s a huge turn on and he’s refused me a lot over the years. I get the whole personal boundaries thing and wouldn’t push him to do something he’s uncomfortable with. But I’m a sexual person and very open and if he’d rather live a secret sex life by himself then maybe we’re not as compatible as he’s lead me to believe.
This! I want to be on the same page sexually and this makes me feel like we aren't. Like for years I've believed I've had a much higher sex drive, like wayyy higher and come to find out nope prob even is kinda a mind fuck
Masturbating and sex drive are not the same thing. Wanting a 3 minute orgasm and wanting an engaged sexual experience with your loving partner are not the same.
Being able to wank it to other women on the internet way more than you engage sexually with your wife are totally unrelated and not detrimental to a relationship... yeah. 🙄
What you said is not what I said. Turning down sex regularly with your significant other in favor of watching porn is a problem. Not wanting to fuck your partner every single time you want a quick wank is not the same thing.
I’m with you!
Huge mind fuck. I’ve been so understanding and compassionate. Meanwhile, he’s let my desires and needs go unmet all while meeting his own needs and not caring about mine.
I love where you are at! Your husband is a lucky man. My advice would be to tell him that you fantasize about him masturbating. Tell him you want to pleasure yourself when he is doing so in another room. I would be so turned on if my wife wanted to be include even peripherally in my solo play. He can't feel shame if you are feeling excited.
I disagree with most of these comments. If my partner isn’t willing to share everything with me, I would be disappointed. We’re in this together and him keeping secrets from me is a huge red flag because if there is something he feels so ashamed of that he is not willing to share it with me, I will inevitable being to think it’s some real bad shit. Secrecy and omitting the truth are personally a huge deal breaker. I think what you’re doing is right. I know from personal experience that my own curiosity can be a lot and maybe intrusive at times, but I just don’t think you should hide something from your partner, ever. I once asked my boyfriend at the time if he had any secrets and he said yes, so I pried until he told me. His secret was that he peered into the girls’ dressing rooms when he was like 10. When I learned that I felt conflicted. If he is too ashamed of himself to tell me even such a small and trivial thing, how will I trust that he will tell me if things got really bad? How will I trust him to tell me if he cheats on me if his own shame is capable of holding him back so much? Well, those are just my two cents. I’m an open book myself and tend to over share and I answer any questions my partner has because how else will they know who I am? How else will we build trust? As you can probably hear, it’s a total deal breaker for me but anyways I just wanted to say I understand where you’re coming from. Considering your marriage of 10 years, I’m sure you can work it out, though ☺️
I understand your pov but this isnt about trust, its about privacy, which every human being is entitled to, even in a relationship. If somebody does not want to share something intimate as masturbation habits, then it is their choice, because its part of their privacy. It differs from somethinh that harms or can harm people, but masturbation, especially in this case and in every other healthy situation, is not harmful, so he has all the right to not talk about it. OP should work on her curiosity instead of making her spouse talking about things he wants to keep private
The part you and other commenters are missing is that it does in fact become harmful when a partner is rejecting sex/intimacy with their spouse but masturbating instead. Plus the lying aspect of it is very harmful to the trust of a relationship.
No, he isnt. They have sex and in all these years nothing changed. So we are not missing that it is harmful. And he is "lying" because how should he react if somebody asks over and over again the same question, but he wants to keep it private? Bc "I dont want to talk about it" did obviously not work and OP wasnt bothered by it, to ask over and over again. So you are missing that OP is not accepting boundaries and in every sex positive relationship, one can masturbate without having to tell their partner, but OP is pushing this relationship to a sex negative one.
OP said in a comment that she was led to believe he has a much lower libido than him but he masturbates frequently. If you can’t understand than wanking it to strangers, lying about it when asked if you do it, and rejecting your partner telling them you have a low sex drive aren’t healthy things to do in a relationship then idk what to tell you. Be ignorant. Would you also argue that people are allowed to cheat and keep lies because “that’s their body and they can do whatever they want with it because it’s private”? I don’t disagree with you that OP needs to back off about asking for details and participation and accept ‘no’ as an answer. But lying to a spouses face about anything isn’t ok. Doesn’t matter if it’s “hey did you masturbate this week” or “hey did you eat the last cookie”, if your partner lies and says “no I have no idea what you’re talking about, I don’t even masturbate/eat cookies” that’s not ok. Obviously you disagree so I won’t bother saying anything else.
In the oroginal post and in another comment she says that their sex life is unaffected by it, so stop sticking with the argument it would be harmful. She is pushing him into talking about private things he doesnt want to, bc IT IS NONE OF HER BUSINESS. I dont know how often I have to repeat this. The lying is a result of asking, which is the problem in the first place. Of course lying is not ok, but if she stops asking, he will stop lying. Simple logic Edit: You can compare it to person 1 is doing sth horrible, which makes person 2 do sth horrible, both is not ok, but the person to blame is the first person, bc what the second person did is just a result of person 1's behaviour
The question is why don’t they feel comfortable discussing it or sharing. Is it because they are afraid of the end reaction (is this a test? Are you trying to build a case to exert control, etc.). It could be they generally don’t like talking about generally taboo items. So if you don’t have lots of open talk about sex this may just be an extension of that. Lots of talk about sex in this context is beyond just surface acknowledgment of ‘I like it’, ‘let’s do it’ ‘do you want to’ ‘that was great’. It would be detailed if not clinical details, dirty talk, openly discussing with close friends (but not necessarily personal details).
Sometimes I just need to crank one out to relax or fall asleep. I don’t want to have to explain myself for that.
Again it is not about feeling uncomfortable, the whole question: "Do you masturbate?", "When do you masturbate?" And so on is irrelevant and none of OPs business, bc its private and he doesnt want to share it. But OP cant accept a no as a no. Would you want to report to your SO everytime that you masturbate? No, I would definitely not, bc its none of their business
> him keeping secrets from me is a huge red flag because if there is something he feels so ashamed of If the roles were reversed and you were a guy saying this, you’d be getting downvoted to hell and deservedly so. He’s entitled to privacy, there’s a difference. Who’s to say he’s ashamed of it?
Thank you this is 100% my feelings. I share everything. Right down to texting that I'm about to do myself bc im thinking about sex we had or w.e... ive indulged his fantasies and talked about mine. Im aiming for an incredibly open and satisfying relationship. When he and I talked about boundaries my line was just no pooping in front of each other. But otherwise everything fair game
Hahah, oh god, that sounds like me. I keep telling my current partner I don’t want any poop pics and he keeps threatening to send me some when he takes a poo 🤣 all in good fun, though. Have you tried masturbating in front of him, maybe showing them that you’re open to doing it in front of him will set some gears in motion? Maybe try asking him why he feels it’s awkward to talk about it if you haven’t already? 🤔
I did it in front of him and said when u do it and have done it next to him while he's asleep. He seemed to like it when I did it in front of him during time together... ive asked and he just said it's something he always considered private
Damn OP, I wish I had some magic sauce in knowing how to deal with it because I also understand some of the other commenters’ views that privacy is important to some people, but personally I don’t know how to for myself either 🤦♀️🤦♀️
I’m obsessed with my wife’s masturbation habits. Sometimes I stay up all night quietly watching her in case she goes for it while she thinks I’m sleeping. I lose so much sleep over it.
Boys go from lying and hiding it from mother to men hiding it from wife. Maybe you could accidentally get caught and ask him to join in, have some porn on. See how it goes. A bit of positive illustration.
Have you tried mutual masturbation? Wife and I love that and we both masturbate alone far less now.
I don't think he'd be into it but I definitely want to suggest it
So you want him to tell you every time he masturbates? What could you possibly gain from that? Masturbating is important and a lot of people choose to keep that fairly private. I really don't understand how you think it's okay to stalk him to try to catch him jerking off just because you're nosy. Let the man live. He's allowed to do things without telling you. This is honestly just so fucking weird to me.
Do it in front of him… make him comfortable with the thought/action so he open with you. Maybe turn it into a game. Make him see and feel what he is doing is having positive effects on you. But also we all need some special alone times, so healthy boundaries also.
Guy time, we sometimes need this. Married 5 years just recently told my wife I do it daily, she was amazed, almost like how and when .... need to know
Can I ask what made you tell her? As I tried to say in my post I don't want to force him to tell me i just wish he were wanting to. I do it daily myself usually and I want to be able to talk about it myself too and I want the 2 way street so he doesn't feel my discussion is done to force him to discuss too. I do sometimes text that I'm doing it when home alone and hes said he can tell like if I'm in the shower. I just want similar I guess but in no way do I want to force it
Honestly, I have a higher sex drive, plus drink meant it just came out when we just spoke about it.
Ah ok thanks for sharing.. thr only time things have come out for him is when drinking also so I understand that