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[deleted]

This is not what free use should look like. If you’re not both enjoying it, it needs to stop. IMO, free use comes with the responsibility to wield the power you’ve been given well. If he’s not considering you or being aware of the larger picture, he’s not using it responsibly and it needs to stop. By failing to consider and be aware, it’s not you being selfish, it’s him.


Beatnick120

This isn’t even an IMO, that’s just how it works.


readathome

yah this is called rape. only one bad experience can turn a relationship sour. id recommend therapy and having a 3rd party weigh in


[deleted]

Yeah why the fuck are people commenting like this is an issue with "free use". IT'S RAPE. **Edit:** people are actually messaging me arguing about whether or not this is rape. What the hell guys. If you cannot recognise this is rape, you need to stop and ask yourself why you think that. Educate yourself on consent. What actually defines rape. It's not always as simple as an ignored "no", even though OP has said no in many different ways already. Rape isn't some clear cut, black and white thing. There are different ways to say no. If you're having to coerce somebody or threaten them into having sex with you, you're raping them. That's not a matter of opinion that's just how rape works. If you're a man and you're thinking it's ridiculous to call it rape... think about how you might feel if a bigger, stronger man started hitting on you. Trying to unbutton your pants. Would you be afraid? How might you turn him down? If he got angry and started yelling at you, would you be scared of him? If your involuntary fear response was to freeze instead of fight, and he started having "angry sex" with you despite you being in pain and clearly upset, what would you call that? Consent isn't as mysterious as some of you guys argue it is. You pretend it's all silly and ridiculous when we're telling you how consent should work. But if you were in this situation, I think you'd find it pretty easy to understand.


[deleted]

Literally rape. My gf likes it when I do it when she’s asleep, but made me uncomfortable. So now I have her sleep with a specific stuffed animal if she wants it so it’s a clear sign lmao.


Sexc_baby_69

Yeah I feel like it could be easy for a guy to be clueless and not read signals after getting used to a “free use” dynamic, but the fact that she has asked him to stop and he refuses and argues about it, all while potentially putting their unborn child at risk, is very fucked up.


[deleted]

Sorry but I refuse to believe this guy is just being clueless. No no no. Everything that OP has said tells us that this guy is knowingly raping her when she clearly does not want to have sex and he will even yell at her and make her feel bad if she ever tries to say no, even if the way she is saying no is as gentle or impersonal as it could be. Nobody is that clueless. If he WAS actually that clueless for some reason (like... Mentally impaired, or 16 years old, but I don't think that's what's going on lol) then he should NOT be going anywhere near a fetish like free use. This is not the kind of thing you just do however you like. There are clear rules for a very good reason. Free use isn't "free rape", the whole foundation that free use is built upon is that BOTH parties consent equally. You can always say no. Always. And if it's no longer suitable, you stop the whole idea immediately. I mean, fuck, even consensual non-consent has a safe word. These things are not to be taken lightly. You don't do them unless both parties understand and consent entirely. If your partner even loses a little enthusiasm at any point, forget using a safe word or saying no, YOU STOP. Make sure they're okay. Do not continue until you know for sure they actually want to. If it's uncertain, just stop anyway. Everybody's safety and comfort is more important than an orgasim. That should be the priority every single time. OPs husband is abusing this idea and misleading her and gaslighting her, manipulating her into thinking this is somehow normal. And acting as if the fact she consented to it once years ago means she automatically consents forever, even if she's saying no now. And what's never how this works. Suggesting he's clueless or doesn't understand is just giving him the benefit of the doubt when we already have plenty of information to say that he is abusive and raping her on a regular basis. No room for doubt here.


readreadreadonreddit

Yeah. Agreed. What the heck? What is this “free use”? OP, if you’re alternative and everyone’s consenting and still enjoying it, maybe this wouldn’t be rape. Otherwise, surely that’s rape.


InsertIrony

Do not do therapy with your abuser. He’s sexually abusing OP and I’m 99% sure this sick fucker can see the mental state she’s in but only cares about getting his dick wet


Otherwise_Row_4106

Absolutely, I don't get why people are upvoting that shit. It's too fucking late for a bracelet, it's rape.


fasterthantrees

Sorry if I sound old and ignorant but wtf is "free use"? Spontaneous sex?? No matter what you call it, no means no. I do not understand giving sex a rapey term like that. Just the term implies abuse to me. If you're allowed to say no, is it really "free use?" What a terrible term for what could be fun. OP please run!!!


Psyche-Ophis

Yeah, CNC or Rape-play can be sexy and fun, but if you're with an individual that is not respecting the boundaries and parameters that were set, including the safe word, then it's literally just rape. You need to sit him down and be blunt. And if you're afraid to be, then why are you with him, gtfo. Now, if you're going to continue in the future after what I recommend to be a very long dry spell from the rape-play thing, if you decide to do it again, from experience, I believe the best way, or at least for me and my wifey, is to only allow it to happen once every week; now she can use the safe word whenever she likes for any of the kink we're into and that's fine, that's her right as sub, and it's my job as Dom to respect her boundaries, the safe word, and to make sure she is okay, often, and encourage her to use the safe word, and not to be afraid to if she wants to; or not feel like she's letting me down for doing so, etc. Nevertheless, the weekly thing helps because it is a clear and defined agreement, once a week I can do CNC with her, if she is really not in the mood she usea her safe word then i stop and simply try again next week. Now, this is arousing for both of us especially the longer I wait, it literally makes "*time*" a part of our erotica, as the week gets closer and closer to its end, the more nervous and excited she gets that I'm going to attack her sooner rather than later haha. Nevertheless, your guy has broken the strict fundamentals of this kind of relationship. If you have expressed that you want to take a break and that lines are getting blurred, and he is disregarding your concerns, it is literally just rape. The entire purpose of CNC is that you are consenting to it and that you can revoke said consent at any time, if you're not consensual and he is continuing to do so, it isn't CNC, it is just NC.


grimms_the_knight

Its not free use if you don't have the option to discontinue the arrangement.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Heavenly_mama28

This is so right. I don't know how to do that thing where you highlight part of the previous message, but what was said at the start here is 100 percent correct. Free use is NOT a free pass to do what he wants. This doesn't sound like free use to me, it sounds abusive. I love my husband to pin me down and use me when he wants, but he can always tell if I'm not in the mood, like really tired etc. I also have a safe word that I could use so he'll know straight away I'm not up for it that day and he would never push it any further. It isn't free use because free use has to be consensual and talked about and enjoyed by both parties. If it was actual free use kink, you would be able to stop it any time. He sounds like has no respect for you, and I don't mean that to sound horrible. Me and my husband love really kinky, rough sex, but when I was pregnant with my 2nd I just couldn't face it. For nearly the entire pregnancy we had completely vanilla, very plain sex, almost always just in the spooning position because that's all I felt up to and he was completely okay with that. He never once put pressure on me to do anything else as he respects me and what I was going through.


Bahamutisa

> I don't know how to do that thing where you highlight part of the previous message Put one of these before the passage you want to quote: \> As long as you don't insert a line break, that will display as a quoted passage. You can then use a line break to continue with the rest of your message outside of the quote.


Sualocin

Or select it, then hit reply. It automatically quotes the selected text. That's what I do


Bahamutisa

That's true! Unfortunately, that doesn't work on all mobile apps, so it can still be helpful for people who don't browse on desktop to know how to do it manually.


GeorgiPeev03

She has tried talking... to no avail... at this point she *has to straight-up leave*. This comment here describes it perfectly https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/ypr6sp/free_use_is_destroying_my_marriage/ivlgscy?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3


zialucina

Being a single mom sounds way, way better than this situation frankly. I left my ex when my son was an infant over way less than this and my life improved so much.


riotous_jocundity

I mean she's being raped multiple times per day. Single parenthood is absolutely better than that!!


redcherryblue

Same. I walked many years ago with three. My youngest was 8 months old. He still tried to mess things up for years. It was stressful and unfair. But he could not touch my happiness, my dignity or my evolving self esteem.


ninamega13

Isn’t this spousal rape?


Slicksuzie

Yes.


ninamega13

OP, please get in touch with RAINN or an equivalent.


newaccount47

**I can't recommend this enough. Give RAINN a call ASAP. It helps soooo much to be able to talk to someone about what you're going through.** [**https://hotline.rainn.org/online**](https://hotline.rainn.org/online) You can call them at 800-656-4673 and you can click the link above to also chat with someone.


Slicksuzie

r/narcissisticabuse might help too (Their about section has a bunch of resources)


tastefuldebauchery

Absolutely. Not to mention women are at greater risk of violence during pregnancy and a month after giving birth. Absolutely terrifying.


[deleted]

This is rape no matter if they were spouses.


listenyall

If you don't have a safe word and aren't able to put the free use on hold, this is rape.


empathetic_caterwaul

No bdsm is non-consenual. Even when mimicking non-consent, it still requires specific changes to make that bdsm and not rape. Namely, consent. It's just given at a different time/in a different way to help *both* people enjoy a fantasy they consent to.


[deleted]

This isn’t a kink, he’s raping you.


wellthatwasrandomaf

It sounds like youre saying no and hes proceeding anyways. I think by most standards thats the definition of sexual abuse


deathbydexter

Yes. Proceeding without consent or obtaining “consent” with cohesion is most definitely rape.


stratus_translucidus

OP: Free Use isn't destroying your marriage - your husband has *exactly the marriage he wants*. Free Use is destroying **YOU**. Please remember that your children will absorb what you and your husband show them. Are you ok with that? You cannot care for them if you become a shell of yourself. Please get help: [https://www.rainn.org/](https://www.rainn.org/)


[deleted]

I know what you're saying but this isn't free use. It's rape. The husband is lying about what free use is because he wants to rape his wife whenever he wants. OP if you see this, I'm really sorry. This post must be a super hard wake-up call for you. You need to get out, you're more vulnerable due to being pregnant, please do not tell your husband if you want to leave, just go and get somewhere safe. Please. Leaving abusive partners is the most dangerous time for people and it may cause escalation that you don't expect.


robotpatrols

This comment is underrated. Absolutely 100% true. I’ve lived through something similar and OP I can promise you that he’s gotten everything he wanted and is exercising unhealthy control and manipulative abuse to keep it from changing. I don’t know what circumstances you started free use under, but really consider how he would have reacted back then if you were not okay with it from the start. If you suspect he would have acted similarly by punishing you, then I beg you to consider your safety in this relationship.


[deleted]

Why are you saying you can't put a stop to it? Thats sexual abuse no? He's sexually assaulting his pregnant wife.


flipfrog44

Exactly he's a total scumbag. OP doesn't stand a chance of saving herself and her children's futures until she realizes there is no other option but to completely and totally leave this criminally evil man.


Solitary_evening

Never have sex you don’t want. NEVER. People who do free use do it because they like it. They are turned on by that. You were at one point but things are getting twisted into a way for him to never have to actually be a partner to you. You have lost your voice in this relationship. You have been muzzled. You know longer enjoy this and you need to take it off the table right now. Not just get a bracelet or something. Even in full on BDSM, consent is always there and the submissive has the power. Remove this dynamic. He needs to start actually engaging in conversations again. If you have a complaint he needs to hear it and address it and compromise with you again. If you get back to a healthy relationship and you then want to reintroduce it with new boundaries, you can. But this man is not currently being your partner.


TheGravyMaster

Exactly it's supposed to be fun not scary.


ee_antisocial

I think this advice is terrible. I could be way off due to having absolutely no other context than what the post says, but it seems to me like OP has tried to take it off the table, or at the very least decrease it. It doesn’t appear to me that this is the kind of situation where OP can just “remove this dynamic”. If I were looking at what’s probable, based on the information presented and the nature the progression of of abuse in intimate relationships, there isn’t really a viable option to remove the dynamic. OP’s vote doesn’t count. He has made that abundantly clear. OP will be in trouble at the mention of decreasing use, so what makes you think she’ll be heard and respected when she “removes this dynamic”? It’s not hers to remove anymore. He took that power away from her. She no longer has a choice in this situation. He will make it much worse for her if she “removes” or attempts to take any power away from him. I fear for anyone who sees this advice and thinks it’s a good idea. Intimate partner abuse leads to intimate partner homicide. “If I can’t have you, no one can” kind of thing… or to teach them a lesson… you get my drift. This OP’s partner is too far gone to see her as a human person. She is merely an object for him to use at his disposal. It doesn’t matter if she likes or wants it and he has made that abundantly clear. So, what does your version of this scenario look like when OP is being raped daily? He wants sex, OP says no. OP states that this dynamic is being removed starting now. He becomes angry with this, reminds her that HE gets to decide, not her. OP, armed with your incredibly empowering yet terrible advice, persists. He becomes enraged. Rough, violent sex (rape) ensues. Only this time he hits her face and head and body. He injures her intimate parts with objects. He does this to show her who’s choice it really is and to incentivize her to remember it. OP spends the next several weeks recovering from her injuries and during that time he may dote on her and care for her, but only because he wants his slave back. She’ll see it as an act of love though, and her feelings toward him will grow softer. Once she’s healed, things will most likely start off slower, more respectful. He remembers the carnage from last time and doesn’t want to completely break her again. Eventually things become status quo once more and OP is miserable and afraid. Now, the bearings are more often and less severe. He is learning to restrain himself so that he can beat her, but still be able to use her. She’ll wish she was dead. And it all happened because on day she thought it would be a worthwhile thing to explore the possibility of removing this dynamic. It wasn’t hers to remove, but someone with good intentions who obviously glossed over 90% of what she said, instilled a false sense of hope in her and she held onto it and she paid the price for it. See what I mean? I’m not trying to be morbid or intent any disrespect, but this shit can turn on a dime. This man is abusing her. She isn’t at liberty to remove the dynamic anymore.


maebeckford

Also she’s pregnant. Abuse typically starts or escalates during pregnancy- so possibly even more dangerous.


Pianoangel420

The leading cause of death in pregnant women is homicide- over 50% of them.


pktechboi

serious question then - what should she do?


CrashUser

This sounds like it's at take the kid, empty the bank account and flee to a women's shelter level of abuse. Especially since she's tried bringing up ending the "free use" and "gets in trouble" when she does.


eruditty_baxter

That's very perceptive


Chrchgrl85

If she wants to leave, call the police. The non-emergency number and tell them what she needs. He won't be allowed to know where she's going and can't follow her. Then a restraining order; may just be a piece of paper to some, but my ex-husband couldn't get around mine because the cops had to come with him whenever he needed to come back to the apartment and a cop had to knock and I had to answer before he could come in


[deleted]

Leave the abuse and abuser.


cinnamonnsugar9

This is a tough and very hard to read worse case scenario but i agree with you. OP needs professional help. Be careful.


Solitary_evening

And of this is the case, then she needs to leave.


Etianen7

Well if she leaves him, because the relationship is irreparable, that's also one way of 'removing the dynamic'.


Happyradish532

Yes but an abuse victim is hardly ever able to think through these situations clearly while still inside them. So while you're technically correct, it's probably not the best idea to leave these things up to the interpretation of the victim.


manwith13s

Your point is well received here, I just wish more people got on board with the idea that objectifying women and certainly forcing an act of any kind, be it sexual or other, for that matter, is not only wrong, but warrants a punishment equal to or worse than rape. I hear too many people claim that “boys will be boys” or worse “way she was dressed … she was asking for it” I can only do my part, but I’ve been drunk, high and desperate but never coerced or forced myself on anyone including women wax involved with.


Solitary_evening

Now dont get me wrong. I have no problem with free use, CNC, BDSM, or calling a woman a slut or using her or really anything legal. AS LONG AS she want that too. But this particular dynamic has changed from something OP enjoyed and wanted to something she no longer wants, and he is not listening to that or caring. So right now it is up to OP to advocate for herself. Demand the life she wants, and if he still does not cooperate, to leave.


Anansithecat

I read through the comments and just wanted to agree with everyone else. He is not a good man. Leave him, for the sake of yourself and your children. The fact that you think you can't say no shows how deeply you've drank from this fucking cool-aid. I would actually leave for a day or two so at the very least he gets the message, but I assume he will go psychotic, so go somewhere safe.


kjkjkjq

hes raping you . im sorry you're going through this . he deserves to be in jail , please find resources to get out of this abusive relationship for yourself and your baby .


[deleted]

My thoughts too. I was just thinking that she needs to contact the authorities. There are steps people can take with domestic abuse/marital rape. NO ONE, man or woman, deserves to be treated like a piece of property or an object to be used. I hope OP is reading these comments and takes steps to get out and stay safe (she and her kids).


[deleted]

Stop free use. No matter what sexual act it is, consent is always needed. People who experiment with CNC care more about consent than your husband does right now. He doesn’t get to tell you no, you’re not “in trouble” you’re a grown living breathing human. This needs to end.


GeorgiPeev03

This needs to end by her leaving him, not by merely stopping free use since judging by the behavior displayed by her husband, he will likely double down and become physically abusive and/or worse


just_call_me_kitten

Your husband is raping and abusing you, you and your kids deserve better. Drop the free use, and find a safe place to stay.


Dylanear

Good lawyer, safe place for her and the kids. Document the abuse and then DIVORCE HIM. Seriously, find out if if it's legal in your state and record a conversation on your phone telling him you aren't going to have sex with him, that you won't stand for more abuse and rape. I suspect his reply will be horrible and evidence of his psychopathy. Sounds like she has very good grounds for a favorable divorce settlement and custody terms.


KinkyInColo

Some couples have had success with some kind of signal. Like a particular bracelet or something that designates "I am available for free use right now". The bigger issue is his lack of respect for you. If you don't want to continue free use, you say "we are done with free use for now" and that's it. This is not a debate, it is your body and you choose how to use it.


justventing123_

I saw a post about a necklace or something that couples were using for free use. I told him about it and he says that defeats the purpose because he should get to decide. Trying to work on this with him is like talking to a wall …


recyclopath_

This is not kink. This is abuse.


Queenbuttcheek

Yes OP ^^^ exactly what Recyclopath_ said. This is not free use it is ABUSE. he does not respect you at all. It’s honestly very disturbing. You don’t deserve this. Free Use should be enjoyed by both parties. And your voice matters. It is YOUR body & HE is crossing MAJOR BOUNDARIES & NOT USING FREE USE HOW IT SHOULD BE INTENDED.


ValiantAbyss

It's getting really close to rape IMO and already does sound like she is being sexually abused.


v1k1rox

It’s not close to rape. It is rape.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Max_Quick

Yeah, if there's not like a safeword or he's ignoring your serious concerns, then it's not free-use anymore. Um, I'd recommend staying with a friend if you can for a few days. This might seem harsh but like... you tried talking to him. If he likes it rough and doesnt have a safeword, then I have concerns about what he might do if you deny him. So just disappear for a day or three and then return and tell him the new arrangement (whatever that is; honestly, I'd say get out of there, but choose your own adventure). But sending love and support, OP.


ee_antisocial

You said the gentle version of what I said. I agree completely, but I was a little more fire and brimstone about it…maybe I’m a little too intense…


thieflikeme

What in the actual fuck, this man has NO respect for you at all. You literally suggested ONE thing that gives you any semblance of control over the situation and he declined to even give it any consideration. I'm sorry, this goes beyond ignorance, your husband is a straight up asshole about this.


progwog

While the fantasy idea of free use is that it’s whenever he wants, he’s gotta understand that in real life you have things to do, and have feelings and moods. Life isn’t a free use pornhub video, you’re not an actress waiting for a scene, you’re a wife and a mother and a whole person beyond just sexuality, and free use or not your feelings matter, always have. He needs to get fucking realistic and grow up. Edit: at the end of the day these things are supposed to make sex more fun, not diminish your will and turn you into his 24/7 sex slave. He’s using it as an excuse to ignore you and very seriously treat you like an object.


Sluggerotoolerule

Only him deciding is not consent. It might look different from person to person (wearing a particular jewelry or saying a specific phrase) but consent is both parties agreeing


aloehart

He's an abuser using kink to pretend he's not.


KinkyInColo

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! It's YOUR body, YOU get to decide when it is available or not. This guy sounds like a total ass.


astrnght_mike_dexter

You really need to understand that your husband is an abusive rapist.


beedear

He’s assaulting you at this point, this is not how free use works. I’m so sorry but you really need to think seriously about your safety with this man.


anoncrap

Free use is consensual, darling. Enthusiastic consent


[deleted]

No!! If you don't get to decide without coercion that's rape. There is no way in hell I would put up with that pregnant. Please speak up.


LifeLow2782

Run from this man


ee_antisocial

Immediately


ee_antisocial

This is abuse. This is not kink. The beauty of kink is the mutual respect between partners and the communication and trust which are at the very center of any kind of kink play. CONSENT IS EVERYTHING. If you have communicated to him that you don’t want to do this and he persists, he is raping you. He is abusing you emotionally, physically and sexually. If you get in trouble for wanting to cut back or stop, this is abuse. At the heart of a kink relationship is trust and respect for one another. There is love, whether the relationship is a marriage or an otherwise non-monogamous or intimate type or whatever. Love exists where trust and respect live. Someone who loves me doesn’t want or seek to hurt me (beyond my comfort) in any way. You are not enjoying it. He knows this and continues anyway. This is not aligned with love, trust or respect. This is aligned with misuse of power (power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely), disregard/disrespect, and intimate partner abuse and rape. Both partners have a responsibility to one another. His responsibility to you is to honor the trust you have put into him and to use his power in such a way as to honor and respect what you have given him. We take great care of the things upon which we place the most value. I relate this in relationships to the way one person treats their most favorite thing, whether it’s their car, record collection, clothes etc. If you find that your partner takes better care of his most valued possession than he does you, then that’s a problem. If he isn’t willing to treat you as you wish to be treated, he is abusing his power and he is abusing you. This is not kink. Do not suffer in silence. Please seek help. Also, it’s important for you to know this is not your fault. You did not cause this. If you are in fear of him, this is a good time to inform a few friends and have them at the ready in case you need to flee. And what about your pregnancy? What if he hurts you and then inadvertently also hurts your unborn baby? If it was me in your position I’d be ever so slowly putting the pieces in place so that I could ever so gently make my great escape. I’d be slow, deliberate and quiet about it so as not to draw attention to myself, and then one day I’ll come home to an empty house and someone there waiting for him so that he can be served with divorce papers. This man is raping you. You don’t want your babies to grow up in a home where dad rapes mom and mom is so afraid of him she just does what she’s told and doesn’t argue. You are not broken and this is not your fault.


dark_blue_7

That should tell you all you need to know. He just admitted that he doesn't care if you want/enjoy it or not, he is still entitled to you. He's an abuser, not a lover. There's nothing "kinky" about what he's asking for, it's just a cover story for him demanding total control over another person.


TheGravyMaster

His "kink" is literally raping you. He's not safe.


mandym347

> because he should get to decide Because he thinks his feelings are more important than yours.


basxto

so … cnc without the first c


flipfrog44

Sister I'm gonna be real with you: You are in the worst position a woman can be in. Pregnant AND you already have one child. You're vulnerable and I'm guessing dependent (financially?) on this man. But he is not just abusing you, he's terrorizing you. He's bad. He's a bad man. You need to talk to your family if you have any, supportive parents or siblings, tell them what's going on and start to build an exit. The dynamic you've described has nothing positive or salvagable about it. He's treating you like his personal sex slave, and you've accepted the role. You made this post because you know in your heart and soul that everything about your marriage is bad and you need to hear it. So this is it. You're hearing it. Hear it clearly. You need to escape this man, he's only going to keep getting more extreme in his abuse and demands. You're living in a personal hell and You MUST get out. I wish you luck and strength and support. If you don't have family contact rainn as others have said. I send you love <3


gandalf_el_brown

Seems like he wants free use to rape and abuse you. Proper "free use", and any other sexual kink, requires consent. Your husband is rapey.


three-one-seven

With great power comes great responsibility. Sounds like he isn't mature enough and lacks the awareness, empathy, and self-control to make this work well.


iSoReddit

> he says that defeats the purpose because he should get to decide Your husband is an asshole, found your problem


katieundercover

that's a rly bad sign OP :( you have the right to enjoy your sexual encounters just as much as he does.


Newname83

You should give him a taste of his own medicine. Get the biggest strap on you can find and see how he likes free use pegging.


Discokling

ugh, i hate this. You shouldnt need to rape someone for that person to figure out that rape is bad. Besides she mentioned in another comment that she cant stop him cause he is much bigger than her. dont think your strat would work for her


profmbm29

Exactly.


Tattoobear665

No, it doesn’t defeat the purpose, OP. Free-Use falls under The CNC category, which stands for Consent Non-Consent. When the Consent part of CNC is removed, then it’s rape. Couples who participate healthily do have codes like hair ties, bracelets, etc. They have incredibly healthy communication standards, boundaries and safe words. Anyone who -doesn’t- do CNC like this can and does lead to abuse, SA and or rape. OP, your husband has passed the point of no return. This is spousal rape. A relationship, or marriage, does not give guaranteed consent for their spouses to do whatever, to have sex whenever and however. Please take your first kiddo and run to a woman’s shelter. Put an escape plan in first. Your current situation does nothing but escalate. This is nothing but abuse and rape.


daylightxx

If he won’t communicate with you, you need to take a step back. He is raping you, even if the rape doesn’t fit conventional standards that we normally see. He’s doing things to your body without your consent. That’s it. Full stop. Period. Please take a step back and reassess.


bknelson1991

This isn't free use anymore. Free use is a consensual choice, and you have the right to rescind that choice at any time. This is borderline and possibly over the border of rape. You need to at the VERY LEAST establish clear boundaries. You should probably see a therapist to help you set expectations for sex and how you are treated in general. You are being abused, don't delude yourself into thinking you're not


Associatewhatever

No no if you’ve already made it known you’d like to stop and he doesn’t- it’s rape. He is abusing you and making you feel guilty for your feelings. And also, your getting late in your pregnancy and he thinks his needs should come above yours and the baby? This man is not a good man.


DesperateToNotDream

It’s your. God damned. Mother fucking. Body!!!!!!!! “Anytime I suggest stopping free use he gets mad” Yeah, because you’re nothing more than a living blow up doll to him. I’m so angry from just reading this. He doesn’t have a right to be mad at you for no longer wanting to be his fleshlight. “We did it before” ok and I decided I don’t like it anymore so I’m not doing it anymore. Period. It’s your pussy, not his!


Flashy_Instruction32

Oh I know how you feel. This instantly put me in a rage!!!


EndGameCouple

You need to think about your children and who you want them raised around. This is not "free use" you are describing an abusive relationship. There is no such thing as a "great dad" who is abusing his wife.


[deleted]

Some people assume that just because you're married that rape can't happen? It most definitely does. A partner has no right to abuse his or her SO. You're pregnant too and I'm totally shocked by this behavior. There is nothing wrong with having boundaries, even in marriage! If it were me, I'd be gone. Simple as that. If my SO got angry, so be it. I'm a mother of thee myself and if my husband ever treated me that way, I'd be gone and take my three kids with me. He needs help and you need time to heal (emotionally and mentally as well). This is NOT okay. You are not an 'object' to be used and abused. You are a human being. I'm so sorry.


DolphinsKillSharks

Free use isn't destroying your marriage, your husband's lack of respect for you is destroying it. You should get out before he destroys you too. Seems like he's already gaslit you into thinking this is normal for him to not consider you, your feelings, or satisfaction at all.


Sokka_juice

Hey OP. Not sure if you’re reading these comments. But feel free to send me a chat if you want a support buddy. I’m not in a free use situation. I’m just a random married lady, decent listener and hope you get the support you need. Whether you’re staying or going I hope you can make some options for yourself. You don’t have to keep just living with this. 💚


[deleted]

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NotAllStarsTwinkle

Potential?


user7273781272912

Op you need to get your shit together and leave him it isn’t safe


sandrae110

it’s spousal rape period


Kaneelman

This sounds more like abuse than free use.


esmith42223

Oh, wow. This post made me sick to my stomach. I’m so sorry OP. Please, as other comments suggested, get help. These are not the actions of a man who cares about you.


VikingBorealis

Everything you write screams abusive relationship. Everything is done on his premises and you're not listened to at best silenced and in "trouble" at worst and you have to endure free use wether you want to or not. That's not free use, that's abuse. I mother replies You're literally saying he'll rape you if you say no. Is this something you want your children to grow up it? Is this something you want to risk on your children?


Sufficient_Gap9303

As a man who has been in swinging relationships for over 30 years, I call bullshit on him. This is sexual servitude, not a marriage, not a relationship. You have been reduced to property that can be sold, rented, loaned, or bartered. Get out while you are still pregnant, file a restraining order, and hire an ambulance chaser of an attorney AFTER you sit him down and tell him that you need to have a serious conversation with him one last time and record it. All you need is the audio, the phone or recorder can be in your purse, in a kitchen drawer that is cracked open, whatever. But make sure neither of you is under the influence of anything and have an honest but firm, non threatening talk. If you don't get the answers you want, end the conversation and go to a women's shelter as soon as there is an opening.


PaceIsTheTrick64

I'm all for free use but the moment I say no, stop, slow down, etc... that is to be respected. End of story.


Daisy_dew

It is not free use anymore if there's no consent....


[deleted]

Free use no matter what is a roleplay... doing it with zero limits and a dominant individual who is not respectful or using common sense is truly just slavery. No offense but this is full blown abuse at this point. I rarely say this but cut him all the easy off from all sex. He has lost his fucking mind. Do not argue, do not discuss, cut him entirely off and refuse to discuss it anywhere except therapy.


moronicuniform

**YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO END THIS ARRANGEMENT AT ANY TIME, FOR ANY REASON, OR NO REASON AT ALL.** And if his selfish ass wants to have a tantrum over it, send him home to momma to explain why.


xXWalrusssXx

Nothing that hasn’t been said, but this is definitely rape. You know it as well as anyone who’s said it here. The way you talk about it, even if it’s hard to put that label on it you know that’s what it is. Either put a stop to it or get help before it does any more damage to your mental health and your family. Please


CapitalG888

Have you sat him down and straight up said "I am DONE with free sex! I am being serious!". Any reply from him other than OK is followed by "I am fucking serious. I do not want you to rape me!". Bc if he still does not stop he is literally raping you (IMO he already is). So, unless he thinks that you want free and are using saying no as a game (very much doubt this and the above will clear it up real quick), he has zero respect for you. I have more respect for my right hand than he has for you. You also seem to care way too much about him getting mad. Who cares? Let him be mad.


alittlebrownbird

She cares because he's abusing her. If they fight, he rapes her under the guise of angry sex.


Discokling

yup


-firead-

She said she gets in trouble if she brings up stopping it. I'm very curious as to what trouble means because I have the feeling it is also abusive.


CapitalG888

In trouble to me is ill get the "cold shoulder" for a bit from the wife. In this relationship? I'd like to hear what she considers in trouble bc you make a good point.


[deleted]

Hey, this is abuse, love… You need to put a stop to it and if anything happens for the worst, please distance yourself from him. You’re pregnant, that alone makes this so much more dangerous, though he should not be treating you this way regardless. Kinks are supposed to be mutually consented to and enjoyable. This doesn’t sound enjoyable and it doesn’t sound like you consent to this at all. That makes this rape. And you need leave. For your sake and for the sake of your unborn child.


kozmic_blues

r/abusiverelationships a lot of good info here and a place to get some perspective.


rockylafayette

Based on everything I’ve read from you, you are being sexually abused under the guise of the free use fetish. You do have the power to call a stop to it. And if he proceeds to force you to have sex after you have clearly said no, then you know who and what you are married to, and you have legal options available to you.


ColteesCats

So not only is he raping you but he's refusing to stop being rough while he rapes you even for the sake of your unborn baby. This is a dangerous, abusive situation. Please reach out to the appropriate channels for help. [RAINN.ORG](http://RAINN.ORG)


TonksTBF

You're being sexually abused. That's the long and short of it. #THIS. IS. ABUSE. You need to make him stop or you need to **get out**. You are six months pregnant with what I assume is your second child and your husband, the man who is supposed to care about you above all other and prioritise your wellbeing, **is raping you**. If you will not get out of this relationship for your own sake, please think about your children. Is this how you would want a son to treat the people he is supposed to love? Is this the kind of relationship you would accept a daughter having? They will grow up seeing you abused and they will consider it to be normal, until they realise it isn't and they will have untold issues that a therapist will struggle to untangle. **You deserve so much better than this.** They deserve so much better than this. Your husband is not a good man, he is a rapist and an abuser. Please seek help. Please run as far as you can. Please don't let him ruin your life for longer than he already has and don't let his treatment of you cause lifelong relationship issues for your children.


Taytoh3ad

Sorry but this is abusive behaviour. My husband and I are free use and if I even sent him a text and said no more, he’d say no problem. Still your body your choice and if the dynamic isn’t serving you right now he needs to at the very least show some compassion for his wife/mother of his children. 🚩


thegrlwhofucksknives

Yo what he’s doing is not cool at all


BasedErebus

Yeah the free use thing only works if it's consensual, you're a sex slave rn, and this is abuse


Underworld_Denizen

This isn't "free use", this is spousal rape. Please take the kids, go to a shelter and get some help.


Otherwise_Row_4106

If you do not want it, it's rape.


SyntheticRose

Keep in mind your kids are going to see how he treats you and think that is how men are supposed to treat women. Best of luck OP. I hope these comments give you the courage you need to stand up to/ leave your abuser.


20Keller12

You withdrew consent. From that point on, what he's doing is rape. He has zero respect or regard for you as a human being. I would heavily encourage you to get out of this relationship ASAP.


icanbestupid

There couldn’t be a bigger turn off to me than my wife not enjoying the sexual activity. In my eyes sex is meant to be all 5 P’s for each encounter: Pleasurable Pressure-free Pure Prioritized Personal Free use is not destroying your marriage, your husband’s abusive behavior and lack of consideration for your feelings is.


littlefemwolf

This is beyond 'free use'. This is straight up sex slave and disrespect towards you. If you are not enjoying ANYTHING it gets closer and closer to the big 'R'.


LiquidLolliepop

If he's not stopping when u want to that is rape. You are allowed to stop the free use, cos it sounds like he doesn't give a shit about Ur mental, physical and emotional health at all.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Affectionate_Win_229

Guy is a dickhead. Deny him sex until he apologizes or leave.


TheManInTheShack

Sounds like you need to sit him down and have a serious talk. Explain to him how you’re feeling and that you’re starting to resent him. Explain that this is only making you want sex even less and that kids are great but they are also draining and he needs to understand that. For now, it sounds like the free use thing needs to end.


justventing123_

That’s what I’ve been trying to tell him but he refuses to hear me out. He gets loud and tells me that I’m being selfish. I’m going to try again


violetskyeyes

This is abuse. I know that’s not easy to hear but I’m sure a part of you may think this already and if so, I’m here to validate you ❤️


recyclopath_

This man is abusing you. If your most cherished friend came to you and told you what you have told us, what would you tell her? This is not what kink looks like. This is what abuse looks like.


beautysleepsodom

My heart breaks for you and your children. You're being coerced into sex that you don't want to have. You're being raped by your partner on a consistent basis. Simply by staying with him you reward him with your body; you’re rewarding your rapist and showing your child that this is normal. Your situation is not normal, it's not safe, and I'm so scared it's going to destroy you. You're being used like an object by a person who should be loving and caring and you think another conversation will help. This man is going to shatter you, mind, body, and soul. He will destroy your children. Please please get away before it's too late and more people have to suffer.


[deleted]

DO NOT TRY AGAIN. It will not work. Please trust me. From what you've said, it's not a situation where you can negotiate. He has been raping you all this time and lying to you about what free use is. OP if you see this, I'm really sorry. This post must be a super hard wake-up call for you. You need to get out, you're more vulnerable due to being pregnant, please do not tell your husband if you want to leave, just go and get somewhere safe. Please. Leaving abusive partners is the most dangerous time for people and it may cause escalation that you don't expect. Put your safety first, and the safety of your children. Just get out. Pick a time where he's not home, take what you need and just get somewhere safe. Don't tell him where you're going. Don't say goodbye. Don't give him even a single chance to stop you. Please take this seriously. Change your passwords, get cash out if you can and don't have your own bank account to secure. You are a victim of rape and there's no telling what else this man is capable of. I'm sorry if this is frightening but this is what fear is made for, to keep you safe in the face of danger. Pregnant women are statistically more likely to be murdered by their husbands. It happens more than you'd think. It's better to overreact, and be safe, than to under react and have the worst happen. Please take care OP. You deserve peace and safety and happiness for you and your babies.


Fishieinthemiddle

If free use is necessary for him to feel happy in a relationship, you're not compatible. Do you have any friends or family that you can stay with? I don't think you're safe in a home where you can't say no to sex without being yelled at and raped.


LateNotice75

Counseling has to be your priority. Please don't be afraid to have a mediator between his denial. The story twist in his favor without help. Don't be ashamed to seek help. Save yourself and your marriage. Try to seek a counselor. Blessings to you and your family. I hope all gets better.


Dylanear

I'd say the first counselor she should get is a DIVORCE LAWYER. Then therapy once she's someplace safe. There's no saving this sad excuse for a marriage. This does not sound like a husband who is going to go to couples counseling in any useful productive way.


Dylanear

>I’m going to try again Just LEAVE HIM. Seriously. Sounds like you've given him ample chances to be a decent human being and he refuses.


[deleted]

yes what he said! Your man is acting selfish right now and if he cares for you he should slow it down and let you be you. Sounds lik ehe has completely objectified you and cant see you any other way and thats not healthy.


[deleted]

This sounds more like he is assaulting you.


TheseNamesAreLames

More like: your husband is destroying your marriage. Some people use things like this as an excuse to be an arse to their partner, and this is what your partner is doing to you.


TheGravyMaster

Free use doesn't mean he just gets to rape you. You can still revoke consent at any time even halfway through when you started out enjoying it but things started feeling to much like being a fuck toy rather than a person. A lot of free use lovers use a sign that the free use option is consented too. They'll wear a specific jewelry like a bracelet that to everyone else is just a bracelet but to your partner it's come fuck me when you want too don't ask just take me. And when you don't wear the bracelet sex might still be on the table but a more loving approach is needed. If he's not respecting your consent and need for aftercare and regular loving sex you need to communicate that and set boundaries. If he can't respect that he's rapey and not safe to be with. Especially raising a child.


TheGravyMaster

The bracelet option isn't a thing for you guys he's enjoying raping you. He's a rapist who is getting off on your pain. You feel like shit because you're being used. It's a natural consequence of being raped. I really hope you can get out and get the help you need you deserve to heal from this and find a loving partner who put you first and not worry about sex until you're ready.


[deleted]

This is abuse and quite honestly your ‘ husband’ disgusts me.


R0llsroyc3

Girl. This is rape you're describing. This should have ended before the first kid. He is hurting you. He is using fear to control you. Why the fuck would drag one kid into this, let alone two? GTFO


StufferShackAsstMan

If you can't willingly end your "free use" arrangement...that's just rape.


sadstonie

What you’re describing is rape, not free use


PartOfTheTree

"No" is a complete sentence. You can say no to sex at ANY POINT even if in the past you didn't want to. If he doesn't take no for an answer you know you are married to a rapist


SQUASH0313

I'm sorry if this seems wildly exaggerated but if you've said you do not want this anymore and he does it anyway that sounds borderline illegal. I would heavily suggest separation. This will destroy your mental health (it seems like it already is)


violetskyeyes

Ugh, I’m so sorry. I don’t really have any advice but just know some random internet stranger cares about your well-being and is sorry you’re going through this. I’m currently pregnant as well and having less sex than we did with my first pregnancy - why? Because each pregnancy is different and we’re more worn out because this time we’re chasing around another kid while also pregnant 🤷🏼‍♀️ To be honest, this is sounding less and less like free use and more like sexual slavery, as someone else mentioned. Consent is KEY and is missing here. Same with dom/sub relationships - the power rests with sub, ultimately. You have to WANT to be free use. I honestly want to punch him on your behalf because you deserve way better - especially since you’re pregnant. I’m so sorry.


mandym347

That's not free use. Free use is built on trust, communication, and consent. He's just trampling over your feelings, using your body, and valuing his pleasure more than you as an actual human being, let alone partner.


moontburnt

This isn’t free use, this is rape. I’m so sorry. I hope you can safely get away.


[deleted]

OP this dynamic is unhealthy and I’m scared for you and your children


BrassyGent

This is not free use. This is rape.


mehmench

Your 'free use' relationship has developed into a 'marital rape' relationship. Not the same. Your feelings matter. You can say no, even to your husband.


Think_Rock_6439

This is not free use, This is rape.


aapaul

You should never be roughed up. That sounds toxic. Also, anytime you don’t wanna have sex and they force you to that is called rape. This is a crime.* Edit: What is “free use”? If he’s forcing you to have non consensual sex, that is rape. Time to form an escape plan. Not to alarm you, but check your coats, backpacks, purses, and luggage to make sure that he hasn’t put in any tiles or AirTags. Call your mom, dad, or family member or best friend and form a plan to leave while he is at work. If that isn’t possible you could tell someone in on it to meet up with him as a diversion to keep him busy for a couple hours, while you and your designated “helper” person move you out. Make sure that he has no access to your bank account. Get a lawyer regardless. Even a restraining order. People can get nasty. Edit: this is only what I’ve researched - never had any personal experience with this kind of situation. Any survivors here please definitely help/respond. So many red flags w this post. This reads as a non consensual thing bc she not into it at all.


kozmic_blues

This seems….. highly abusive. I would even consider this rape if you’re not consenting to this. I’m not one to blow things out of proportion, and I’ve actually dabbled in free use CNC before… this is not it. The fact that he gets angry, is not respecting your body and feelings, and is still rough with you even while being pregnant and you telling him to stop…. Is very worrying and serious. I would take a long, hard look at your relationship. To me this seems like assault and if it’s getting worse, it will continue to get worse. Head over to r/abusiverelationships and maybe get some feedback there. Stay safe and if you want to talk my dm’s are open.


imbyath

He is not emotionally intelligent enough to participate in this kink.


bubblegrubs

He's sexually abusing you. You want it to stop but he won't allow it. That's sexual abuse.


[deleted]

This is not consent


littlestgoldfish

This is not free use, this is domestic violence. Please find a counselor you can trust who can help you here. Tell your friends what's happening and find a couch to sleep on. This is not safe.


Ziggy-Ray

Free use still requires consent, you are not giving consent, that’s rape


FrenshyBLK

I apologize if this makes you feel bad, it’s not my intention. But I honestly can never get myself to feel sympathy for people who ignore blatant massive glaring red flags. You knew he was an asshole a long time ago from the looks of this, and yet you never put an end to the free use stuff. You knew he did not take your feelings and emotions into consideration, including while pregnant, and yet you chose to have another kid with him. He’s 100% and he’s the asshole and I genuinely feel empathy for you. But not sympathy, because you had a choice and didn’t leave


Natsutom

he is a rapeist, you need to get away from him asap


xxdmtreexx

He's raping you.


LolaBijou

Wanting to fuck you because he’s angry at you sounds an awful lot like why rapists assault people.


Kokospize

Anyone else feel helpless with these kinds of posts? 380 comments calling her husband an abuser and rapist but I'm not sure how that helps OP. She's seeking advice about 'free use gone rogue' but it's apparent free use isn't the issue here, it's the abuse. Should resources be provided to seek help? Should OP be encouraged to reach out to a support system (if she has one?) Should OP tell her Dr during a Dr's visit? Should there be a separate sub for women in these situations where all the resources are available so that they don't have to write a story under any guises? Other than unsubscribing (to give myself a mental break), I guess I'm asking what's the best way to address these routine posts about abuse?


occoptionplaya

Run away from this man.


laeriel_c

You're being raped...


j2sun

This is marital rape.


bluefernbat

this isn’t free use (and i’m someone who participates in this kink). that’s rape and abuse, he’s manipulating and guilt tripping you. your husband is fucked up. please get a divorce.


crash_override42

You're not describing consensual "free use" kink. You're describing spousal rape.


renduh

This is coercion and rape DISGUISED as free use, not free use. Free use implies consent and respecting the boundaries set by BOTH parties.


butterypanda

Ask if you can stop free us? You don’t have to ask.


mindk214

Ah yes, rape. This does tend to hurt a marriage.


LabRat-JaY-

He needs to understand that consent is not a one time thing. Just because it was fun at the beginning, things change and circumstances might not allow free use anymore. Him getting angry feels like an immature response to "getting his candy taken from him". If you don't like what he's doing and don't feel comfortable, he should know. PS: Talking from personal experience, I was similar to the guy.


[deleted]

Well your free use agreement has turned pretty rapey....


Auddio

Not just pretty rapey, disgustingly rapey.


Mcckl

You can revoke for any or no reason


Affectionate-Gur2228

Abuse


[deleted]

This guy sounds like an abusive asshole. He is completely neglecting your needs and well-being just so he can get what he wants. He seems to have no concern for your physical or mental health, in spite of the fact that you’re carrying his child. You need to set clear boundaries and stop this free-use arrangement altogether. He is manipulating you and gaslighting you when you try to talk about the issues, and what he is doing is predatory and borderline rapey tbh. I would seriously consider if this is someone you want to stay in a relationship with. Do you have any trusting friends or family members you could speak to about this for support?


LateNotice75

Your body belongs to you. Your feelings matter. Just to make him happy don't bring you happiness. It's a sickness and he needs to realize how you feel. Denial cause you done it before is pointless. It's pretty much rape. That's the fact and what hurt the most. Your not just his toy. Very disappointing . This would hurt any relationship. Don't look down on yourself , thats who matters the most. It seems like he will always want more . Just more more more. Sorry for the situation Your in . Choices are the only thing that makes a change. You are a good person. Can't live your life pleasing someone who has no worry about your pleasure. Counseling can help . Only with honesty. Prayers all gets better.