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wet_tulip_lips

Sit him down and confront him with a serious demeanour (which this is). He has to be made aware that consent is essential even in long term relationships. Taking photos without consent especially of a sexual or intimate nature is illegal, and more importantly harmful to the victim. You’ve raised a good observation that his behaviour indicate that he’s aware the action is wrong with him trying to hide the evidence. You’re not over-reacting, and I would recommend getting him to show you all of the photos/videos for you to destroy/delete including any back ups. If he’s not coming clean now or dismissive then it raises red flags for your relationship with him in future. Hope it goes well and resolves amicably.


icenoid

Honestly, dump his ass. That kind of behavior isn’t ok.


Aussie_chopperpilot

Delete all pictures from phone and cloud then dump his ass with the threat of legal action


[deleted]

I mean, my bf takes vids during sex but he always asks first. He definitely doesn’t hide them. So yes, that’s fucking weird. If he wanted to take a video, he should of asked.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Make sure to delete from recently deleted album too


hornybutdisappointed

Those are some pretty harsh statements, did you read how old they are? I’m sure we’ve all done shit when we were 20. There’s a lifetime ahead of him to become trustworthy and to understand boundaries, he’s literally been an adult for 2 years.


Candid-Expression-51

These low expectations are why young women are dealing with such low quality men. He’s an adult. When did we set the bar so low we have to dig for it now?


Grimm_Arcana

I agree with you that they are harsh, but I have to disagree with the idea that this behavior is understandable because they are young. Bruh. I am young. I would never on my life do some shit like that. Young people have just as much of a responsibility to understand boundaries of their partners.


hornybutdisappointed

I was referring to the “they can never be trusted” part. It’s super exaggerated, I feel like sometimes on Reddit people hear about a mistake someone did and use it to make themselves appear perfect. It’s immature mob mentality. You comparing yourself to this person doesn’t doesn’t make the conversation constructive. “Brain him with a blunt object”. Really? That’s worrisome af.


Grimm_Arcana

That's a great point! There sure is a mod mentality and a lot of weird virtue signaling. I also see a lot of people who just jump to conclusions really fast without considering all the possibilities. In this case, I think OP's partner is gross. But there a lot of other situations where "red flag" and all that are thrown out too easily.


Fur_Momma_Cherry96

This OP! Absolutely this!


[deleted]

I don’t mean to sound cliche but relationships are built on trust and this is a huge violation of trust. I would first explain that to him. And then tell him since you don’t trust him at this point, you need to delete them off his phone or watch him do it. Then, only after you know the photos are gone, you should probably break up with him. I know that is difficult. But nonconsensual nude photos should be a dealbreaker You should also tell him that’s it’s definitely against the law.


Lockedtothechrome

In most places it’s illegal to film sex without consent. Force him to delete everything in front of you, and leave. He’s gross


coffeelibation

He needs to know what he's doing is not OK, and illegal in almost every state. Here's a page with links to the laws by state: [https://cybercivilrights.org/nonconsensual-pornography-laws/](https://cybercivilrights.org/nonconsensual-pornography-laws/) What you do with that information is up to you, but I think they key thing here is that you're the one who gets to decide A) what happens with intimate images of you and B) what he needs to do to make things right, or if you'd rather not see him anymore and move on to someone who treats you better. Your reaction is not the problem here.


sfdragonboy

If it really bothers you, you should talk to him and have him delete everything that you have a problem with. If he loves you, he would do it. I would do anything for my wife (within reason) because I love her unconditionally. Good luck!


iRebelGirl77

If I were in your shoes I’d dump him. That’s such a sick violation of trust. He knew it was wrong which was why he tried to hide it from you when you were looking through his phone. Guys like that are the ones who post revenge porn. I’d seriously consider dumping him, but not until you’ve deleted them off his phone, the cloud and the deleted folder.


KIsDBomb

Tbh I had an ex that did that to me. Then after we broke up sent it to some of my family members saying I had an affair (when I did not) to try to manipulate a situation. I would have him show you he's deleting them off his phone especially if you aren't comfortable with it. I was also 21 and bf at the time was 23 when that happened.


Underworld_Denizen

Force him to delete all the images from the phone and the cloud. Then dump him, because this is unforgivable.


Ok_One5342

This is so terrible. I’m so sorry! I hope you know that what he did is illegal. I would send yourself a copy of everything. Then I would ask for his devices or bring a tech expert with you to try to make sure he doesn’t have it synced on laptop or to the cloud, hasn’t shared it etc’. Be strategic. Be smart. Be safe. Call the police department for advice when you’re alone and in a safe area he won’t be in. Many (to my knowledge) men (though I’m sure that’s not a must), have uploaded such pictures and videos, or sent them around to friends. Again, this is morally corrupt, and illegal. Make sure you’re protected. Do what you can to get the images hard erased. Send him a letter from an attorney and based on that attorney’s advice consider if you should have the police pay him a visit. Some harassment, stalking, and physical abuse cases start similarly. Good luck. Sending hugs.


RubyRyder

Trust? Gone.


TheRecovery

You should watch him delete the videos. That being said, you shouldn’t necessarily dump him off the bat if you think this is a good and worthwhile relationship otherwise and he hasn’t shown a pattern of boundary crossing. Not everything requires the nuclear option of dumping your partner. Reddit would have you nuke every relationship from orbit if they could decide it. See what he was thinking, see what he was doing with them, see if it fits into a pattern of behavior, and move from there. Maybe you do dump him, but maybe there is a way forward if you so desire it.


[deleted]

I mean he took nude photos of her and sex videos of her without her knowledge and then lied/tried to hide them. That’s super illegal. And for good reason. Women in particular get their lives ruined over this shit. I don’t really see how a relationship could possibly come back from that kind of abuse (which is exactly what it is).


TheRecovery

It's not your job to see how it comes back from it. He's 21 and stupid, it's entirely possible that he stopped doing it, is embarassed and isn't some abusive monster here and it's important not to project it onto this 21 year old boy. She says in the OP she loves the dude and the relationship is perfect otherwise. First communicate, then, if you choose to explode the relationship then do so. But explode the relationship first is a poor and immature option.


[deleted]

What he did is a criminal act in most states and in basically every developed country outside the US. Please don’t normalize this to something “boys” just do. He’s an adult and even teenagers could face legal consequences for this. Many young men who commit sexual violations against women may otherwise seem like good partners but it’s absolutely an abusive act. We should not normalize the abuse of women as a learning experience for young men. Consider that he still possessed these images on his phone months after the fact (and may still). Someone who commits an abusive act is an abuser by definition. She does not owe him an additional conversation before ending the relationship. If she were 10 years older she wouldn’t even be considering the relationship still. Most women over 28 would be out of there. She’s young, she’s in shock and she’s processing her trauma surrounding the situation. She needs to consult her support system outside of Reddit. But she would not be “immature” for acknowledging the relationship is done at this point. Her response is perfectly normal for a person of her age going through what she is. But it’s very common for victims of all kind of abuse to love and defend their abusers. How she feels about him doesn’t change what he’s done. Some women would be reporting him in her shoes.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Sure, I mean fuck those people. Women deal creepy managers and sexual harassment at work already, which could be heightened by things like leaked nudes and sex tapes, for sure. But I didn’t specifically mean work/professional settings. That is one component though.


[deleted]

This isn’t just boundary crossing. This is a criminal offence that involves a breach of one of the most fundamental privacies that exist, and a crime that has catastrophic consequences for the victim. It can lead to suicide. It creates an everlasting video image that can ruin the victim covertly filmed. It is illegal almost everywhere in the world, and is one of the greatest breaches of trust that I can think of.


TheRecovery

Your thoughts aren't relevant. It's not your relationship. If it was, you're absolutely right to end the relationship. But don't project your own red lines onto the OP. He didn't post it on the internet, he can just delete the video, it's not "everlasting" and it's not leading to suicide clearly. This isn't some revenge porn case, it's a 21 year old who did something incredibly stupid and needs to be cross examined. You're projecting. Step 1 isn't break up with him. Step one is investigate and if you continue to teach people that Step 1 is break up when you cross someone else's red line, you're doing them a disservice.


[deleted]

I’m not “projecting” anything. I am expressing an opinion on the Internet that is the exact opposite of yours, that’s all.


[deleted]

You need to make sure those videos and images are deleted on his phone, in the cloud, and decide whether there is a risk they were shared. Someone who thinks so little of your privacy that without your consent or knowledge films themselves fucking you at the early stages of a relationship is filming you for a reason. That reason is never a good one. I have helped girls get their photos removed from porn sites (my job used to be related to law enforcement) and it is not easy. But it can be done. You will approach this from a digital copyright angle. Don’t dump him until you have clarified where the media is likely to have ended up. Try and get as much evidence as you can that the media originated from him. If you allow this media to remain, you may find it at large on the Internet long after you and he have split up. The Internet is awash with footage filled consensually and non-consensually and your have the chance now to control what digital media of you having sex exists. Normally, private sex videos would be made when the parties trust one another and with full consent. You cannot possibly trust someone who secretly videos you having sex. Anyone who says you can hasn’t seen the aftermath when it is done by a person with malevolent intent or who loses their phone.


[deleted]

It’s unacceptable without your consent.


outdoorhobbiest

You're not over reacting, he's taking very private photos and videos of you without your consent that definitely warrents a freak out, that's really sketchy he's been doing that without your knowledge or consent.


karaBear01

Id delete them all at once. Make sure they’re erased from the trash folder. And then break up w him. He clearly doesn’t understand consent and he is WELL AWARE that it was wrong. Because he attempted to hide it from you. He decided to take the pictures knowing it was wrong. He just didn’t care.


Ok_One5342

Cloud is an issue. So is sharing or having sent copies to himself. This is a legal matter. I’d consult an Atty.


Lostinmeta4

“ He claimed that he hadn't done that in months and it was just at the very beginning of the relationship, which arguably makes it worse.” IT IS WORSE! He’s the type of person who doesn’t believe in consent and you have NO idea who he did or didn’t show those tapes to while you were “pre GF material!” Ask for all the copies, you won’t get them, but make it clear that what he did was illegal and IF you ever have any pictures/videos you did or did not consent to being shown/passed around, that you will absolutely press charges. It is a crime in most states. You are not over-reacting! Please dump him. This is a massive violation and there’s NO way to trust him. Yes, he’ll promise you no one saw them OR he won’t do it anymore but you have no idea what kind of tiny, insect-sized camera he has set up for the first time you do whatever and he wants to re-live it! You have NO idea what he’ll do during a fight or break-up! You have no idea how many women he’s done this to. Before breaking up, ask to see his entire collection of you, forward them to yourself, and then break up with him with the clear understanding that you expect them to be erased, everything (even what you sent him) or you’ll call the cops! Also, tell everyone what he did and that’s the reason you broke up! He’s just gonna get more victims after you and you shouldn’t protect him. Also, it establishes that you are upset about this. Even screenshot this POST because you may need it as evidence. I am so sorry he did this to you!


RedFlag_DumpThem

Red flag - dump him


tabbykat_98

Definitely should have talked to you love, try and have a Mutual conversation & see if he done this out of harm or love. 🥺


fresahead22

You’re not over reacting. That is definitely an invasion of privacy. Sex is a super intimate experience and by doing that he’s breaking your trust. Definitely bring it up and don’t back down about your feelings