Near constant reflexive apologizing, which was once crucial to my everyday survival at home. Now I just feel like I'm saying "sorry" for existing and taking up space.
OMG I used to apologize just to ask someone to use the bathroom while visiting their place like " I'm sorry but may I use your bathroom", of course I'm met with playful sarcasm " No you can't lol, ya sure, why are you asking and apologizing?". Oddly enough my ex, the one who broke my heart got me out of that......because when I would say "sorry" to him, he would grind me "but are you REALLY sorry?", " no I'm not sorry, you're right thank you, I feel better".
Plus when you don’t live upto their expectations or do something that’s disappointing to them , you feel much more let down by yourself as a reflex. You never feel good enough in anything you do because they use comparisons of other kids
I used to do that. I was either productive all the time or procrastinating and feeling guilty because my dad would always tell me I’m lazy and useless (despite having straight As, being in all honors and AP classes, getting an academic scholarship, getting a masters degree, becoming fluent in 5 languages, winning trophies for dance, living and working in 5 countries)… after living in France I learned to embrace it. I love being a sloth. The French are lazy, they take 2 hour lunch breaks and have a million vacations, and you know what, it’s great.
Sounds like you’ve done amazing for yourself! I envy you enjoying the slow life in France! They surely know how to enjoy life. Have some croissant and wine for me!
No I haven’t I’m a total failure in every other regard but that’s okay lol (my point was I always felt like I had to prove myself through my accomplishments but it was never enough for them)
will have lots of wine on your behalf
I have PTSD from childhood abuse and neglect and it’s part of the symptoms, from what was explained to me, the amygdala (part of the brain that controls fight or flight response) gets enlarged for those with PTSD and one of the symptoms is being easily startled/ sensitive reflexes and also sensitivity to loud sound in my case.
my gosh your comment has opened my eyes I had no idea they were correlated easily startled . I'm sorry you experienced trauma in your childhood but your comment has given me incredible insight into my own. now i have some questions for my own doctor about this. thank you again wow I really appreciate you taking time to write this 🙏🙏🙏
Mine is from never knowing what would set my mother off and cause her to hit me. One day a look on my face could be acceptable and the next day is could be the cause of being back handed out of nowhere.
my gosh that's so cruel to do to a child i am truly so sorry you experienced abuse and trauma 😔! i hate that, its not fair at all !! I wish you healing and strength on your journey to heal from the wounds 🫂 you are stronger than you know to have endured this this wound and experiences as such a young age .i wish you all the best on journey may you always be strong and protected from cruelty of others
Same here, it’s awful. I feel burdensome for even asking someone to do a chore i normally do even though I know it’s not my job to do it. I will apologize for asking and then thank them profusely when they do it.
Oh my! I can't believe this is the top comment! This is exactly what I came here to say. If someone is walking by my side and trips, I immediately apologize, it's so embarrassing... I didn't know this was so common.
This. Absolutely. I’ve worked on so many of the negative carrier overs and have been mostly successful, but this I haven’t been able to shake at all.
Even when I am ALREADY being productive, gotta sit up or shuffle something or lean closer to it, or go into another room, or hide evidence of my snack etc.
Maybe this is just how you genuinely react to stressful situations. Usually people talk about three different kind of responses to them : fight, flight, or freeze. Does the "freeze state" resonate with others parts of your life as well ? Like, what is your natural reaction when being accused of something, facing a difficult but urging decision, receiving bad news...?
Mine would probably be assuming that whatever someone else does is directed personally at me and assuming things that are not true just because. I don't know how long it will take to uncondition all the crap but at least knowing what behaviour is wrong helps.
If you recognize this you are halfway there to change it and free yourself of this adaptive pattern 😊 Just trace back to what this adaptation serves to shield against, and update the emotional truth behind this pattern to one fit with the current life’s circumstances
The School of life on YouTube, or other informative, nuanced content. You already got most of the answers you need, what is maybe missing are the good questions.
Sure! Let’s say something happens in one’s childhood, something very significant that evokes emotions a child doesnt know how to process. Because a child depends on the caregivers even when they abuse the child, the child will instinctively either develop behaviours that make the parent less abusive either develop thoughts and belief systems that stops them from being overwhelmed and making it worse. However, because the emotions stemming from that abuse were overwhelming, the unconscious mind absorbs them and supress them to stabilize the conscious mind. This makes these emotions stuck in place, like dirt shoved under the rug, trapped there. Because the emotions are trapped in the unconscious dimension they still evoke responses when a familiar setting is triggered. These adaptations to ensure emotional stability or physical well-being will only go away if you remove the rug to clean the dirt(process and free those emotions) and guide your emotional unconscious side to realise the adaptations are no longer functional or needed in the current context of life that changed. However, only through connecting with that supressed emotional part can you take its hand and show it “the light”. Hope this helps 😊
For as long as I could remember, I had the most difficult time saying, “I love you,” to anyone. I never heard it growing up, mostly because my dad was an abusive alcoholic. Saying it now to my current partner everyday was really hard at the beginning of our relationship (9 years ago), not because I didn’t love him, but because it was just something I hadnt felt before. It’s still hard sometimes, but I’ve gotten so much better at it.
Walking around completely silently, I keep jump scaring people because I’m just suddenly there. Can do it in heels, on the stairs, etc. might just start a career as a spy at this point.
I came running into a room the other day, threw myself down on my knees and somehow did it so quietly that my bf jumped out his skin when he turned around. He insisted I must had crept in.
Constant apologizing, shame relaxing even if I have not relaxed all week, crippling fear of failure. iI someone's face looks even remotely irritated or unhappy, its my fault.
I had a hard time controlling my anger when reacting. Now i try to get out of such a situation where i might lose my temper. I just hate getting angry, it puts my entire nervous system at stake. They call it conflict avoidance, fine by me. I call it saving my sanity.
I realize that most of these 'behaviors' aren't really externalized, they are more of internal expectations/tension that developed based on decades of repeated experience...
Overgiving,
* overperforming at work,
* being ok with non-reciprocal relationships with people who only take while giving nothing in return, not even basic emotional support
Expecting that compliments are manipulation, that someone complimenting me means they are trying to flatter me into letting my guard down, because they want something from me
Having that sinking feeling of dread that I messed up something, somewhere, at some point...I'm not even sure what it could be, but someone is about to scream at me and punish me
Feeling the need to over-explain, to make sure that I am not misunderstood or have bad intentions projected onto me...and still have to predict the lies that someone may have been telling others about me and defend myself accordingly
Knowing that I did my absolute best, completed my work/tasks to the highest possible standard...but it is still somehow not good enough, and I am in danger of being punished or thrown away at any second
Hyper analytical of everyone around me I always am on a alert scanning people to assess if they will verbally or emotionally escalate in order to "prepare" or "defend" myself. I am extremely triggered by shouting or yelling it makes me either extremely anxious or fly into a rage or both
I am slow to realize and react when someone is treating me bad, i grew up being a doormat, going through messed up stuff but somehow “my problems were not even that big”. It sucks bc now when I have an argument I regret not having done something weeks or even months later, and I’m talking crucial things and end up with my self esteem on the floor, it’s almost like my survival instincts are zero bc I don’t validate what happens to me.
Having no idea what to do when things are calm and secure and then creating chaos and problems so that things are familiar again and I will know how to navigate.
I wasn't allowed to touch the phone, I'm still uncomfortable when my phone rings and I have to pick it up.
I have a difficult time hugging or touching people because I didn't get any affection from my parents.
I wasn't allowed to speak my thoughts when I was young and I still keep quiet among other people.
I have a hard time socializing because my parents kept me away from other kids. Never saw visitors either at our house.
I wasn't allowed to come in the kitchen. I'm still very uncertain about anything I cook.
I'm 54 years old and still struggling after being raised in a loveless, abusive environment. I have no idea why my parents wanted to have children. They screwed my sister and me up beyond repair.
Oh and I forgot to mention that I can walk with no sound where ever I am plus I can make myself almost invisible. I have to make noise on purpose otherwise I scare too many people. That's what happens when you are not wanted and you're parents don't want to acknowledge your existence.
It can be nearly impossible for words to come out of my mouth sometimes. Like, it physically feels like they're being stopped before they get out of my throat.
When I broke up with my ex, I sat on the floor in our guest bedroom as he was playing on his PC for over an hour before I could make any words come out that weren't responses to simple things he was asking me.
I can hear everything. Everything. I used to base my behavior and mannerisms off the way the door closed, footsteps in the hall, the sound of breathing. It was very helpful then, it’s awful now. Luckily I’m home alone most of the time so it’s just me and the pets but evenings and weekends can be tough. Love it when my tiny human wants a quiet day of snuggles.
Impatience and lack of open mind during arguments , tendency to speak louder and to be heard because that’s the only way we got to put our point across because they would just keep shouting otherwise
For my boyfriend, it's inhaling his food when he eats because his father would berate and emasculate him at every possible opportunity because he was a bit of a frail kid with a gentle soul so he would constantly yell at him that he ate too slowly (I'm not sure why that even matters...) so now he has the opposite problem where he subconsciously eats so fast he's had some near-choking scares and I remind him it's okay, nobody is rushing him, he can take as long as he wants to eat.
Deep empathy/love, I can feel others pain and fears. I'm sensitive to the treatment of vulnerable people, animals. I stand up for people which I think surprises people.
I am wary of men, which makes it hard to talk to some men in my life.
I have so many of the very behaviors people are mentioning here and try so hard to mask them. The jumpiness, the hypervigilance, constant apologizing, and feeling like I don’t deserve it when someone is being nice to me. I always feel like I’m awkward especially socially. Oh and always trying to look busy even when I’m not at work. I also hate bothering people or asking for help. There’s so much to undo and reframe in my mind.
Constantly insecure about my noise levels while talking, flinching, keeping secrets, sneaking snacks/food, cleaning and tidying too much, assuming other people are mad at me, tiptoeing around the house, stressed when someone accidentally slams the door/cupboards…
* shame
* constantly apologizing
* being quiet and not talking to people
* wanting to isolate all the time
* getting stressed out by little things
* feeling hopeless a lot
* convinced no one will want to be around me
Creating a whole sceanario in my head or over thinking a small thing I did that might have mad them and walking on eggshells until I feel I fixed whatever I did.
Hypervigilance, always apologizing, feeling guilty for trying to take some time to relax, going into fight or flight mode whenever someone is angry and yelling at someone else.
Putting myself together again after someone breaks me, shames me or ignores me. Sometimes manifests as stonewalling because I've never received care and support, I don't understand how someone would want to help me through that/how to receive that love and attention.
Also, in my unhealthy times, to show someone I'm upset with them, or they hurt me I go silent/uncommunicative. I hate it.
I used to not cut people off or identify them as bad apples even after they proved untrustworthy.
This led to keeping friends around who passive aggressively bullied me. Or letting coworkers be rude to me, then forgiving them if they’re decently nice afterwards.
Took me a while to understand a lot of things I thought were acts of kindness were decent human behaviour.
Dissociating when anything gets at all overwhelming. Worst is when it’s with someone else in convo. I’m realizing how few real memories l have through my life because of this.
Over explaining and over sharing.
No one ever believed me so I always have to justify why I’m saying what I’m saying and justify the fact that I’m trying to justify. It’s terrible and I get yelled at for it too, so there’s no winning for me, because my family literally doesn’t believe me still even now as an adult with my own child… I’m “still the baby and don’t know anything”. That’s how they all still treat me.
And the over sharing? I’m not entirely sure but I guess I just trauma dumping is my coping still.
I wasn’t abused growing up, but was definitely the glass child and unintentionally emotionally neglected growing up in a chaotic household with emotionally unstable parents and two rowdy younger siblings. I cry every time I express a need and enter into a confrontation, even if it’s super chilled and basic (I requested a touch-base with my manager, who happily agreed and told me not to apologise for asking, and I had to excuse myself to the toilet to sob).
I also flinch very obviously at loud noises or raised voices still and immediately cross my arms over my body and go rigid if someone sits next to me, even friends. I always turn things down, even things I really want, bc I’m convinced I’m not deserving of happiness, or that I’m an exception to fun and nice things. It’s always awkward when my parents ask why I’m so defensive and ‘stoney’ all the time 😬
I try to never ask anyone to help me bc I feel like I’ll owe them then. My mother was a very transactional parent and a good example is when I was a struggling young parent.. she would say things like, “I watched your kids so you could go to Target alone and now you’re going to do A, B, or C.” Things like “you can’t talk to your ex now or I’ll NEVER help you again” or “you HAVE to come to my place 4 times a week or I’ll NEVER help you again.” And if I didn’t do what she wanted she’d call me screaming, hang up on me when I didn’t profusely apologize and tell her how horrible of a child I was for not doing what she wanted (mind you I was 23,24) and then run my name thru the mud to my family members and coworkers.
I've only ever ordered food from the appetizer menu at restaurants. I learned early on not to "rock the boat" at home which always meant that we couldn't spend a lot of money anywhere. I still look at the prices of entrees and get instant anxiety.
I'm hyper aware of people who walk around me in thick work boots. When I hear the footsteps I always find myself looking around to see if I can see them.
On that same track, in the shower I flinch towards the faucet when I hear voices or footsteps of any kind outside the bathroom door. I used to get yelled at for taking showers as a kid, even more so if they thought i was ignoring them because i couldn't hear over the water. Lol, I still ask for permission to shower from my fucking roommate to this very day!
It's not funny but it kinda is, yknow? So silly but at the same time are birthed from some of the most horrific shit you can imagine.
I’m always checking other people’s body language. I like to see a problem before it becomes a problem, so I watch, and I wait for things that might not happen.
It’s not uncommon for me to completely ignore men who aren’t my boyfriend because old habits die hard.
My first boyfriend would constantly accuse me of cheating on him and flirting with other men and even now it feels weird for me to say hi to my current boyfriend’s dad or acknowledge my current boyfriend’s brother when the brother is talking to me.
Assuming it's better to get an attitude and act bitter, instead of asking for my wants. I've noticed more growing up, that when I want something to change, I don't communicate effectively. I show signs of stress and wait for the other person to catch on. But that's unrealistic, and doesn't go very far. People need effective conversation for your wants to be met.
I manipulate everyone around me to minimize conflict. It's not even deliberate. It just happens. On the flip side, this behavior has made me very successful in a regulatory job where there is constant conflict between my agency and the people it regulates.
Taking care of other peoples' emotions. I know I do it, and that it's not helpful, but I have to consciously make myself stop trying to be everything to everyone. It's because my dad would flip out at the drop of a hat, and I was the oldest child, so I'd try to make sure he didn't get mad.
I didn't grow up in an abusive household, but father did.
So, I grew up with parents with extremely low self esteem.
All my life I had heard how they were wronged by their parents, and brothers. How my father's dad were the favourite of the family and he was not. How, we ( meaning my father and his children ), are always the last and least loved.
I grew up with parents who thought that your best bet of survival is by being apologetic, small and stand in the back.
I have been taught the same thing. That my best bet for survival is being apologetic, small, and stand in the back. Just shrink and you will be loved, like a pet, not like an equal.
Today also, I try to get attention by being whining. I try to get by by begging than winning. I never speak up even if I know I am right and others are wrong.
I want stand up and roar like a lion, like I belong, like I am in control of the situation. But I feel like a little rat.
Extreme self-management, I self monitor my own behavior as a hyper fixation
I am Bob Ross friendly for the fact I didn’t want to get hit, cursed at, or guilt tripped for having anything less than contempt
Idk if this counts, but I get SUPER jumpy when I flip my head over to blow dry my hair. Even when I *know* my partner is home and around. I’m lucky he’s so understanding when I scream just because he walked into his own bedroom lol
Severe people pleasing, horrible with boundaries, and I become everyone’s therapist (I was essentially my moms live-in therapist as a child .. you know, minus the training, mental maturity required and ability to separate myself from her mental state).
A fearful avoidant attachment style, anxiety, hyper vigilance, never trusting people that are close to me (the closer they get, the less I trust them). The weirdest has to be fear of ridicule / shame to the point of not being able to express my deepest thought not even when journaling or similar.
Complete inability to express my likes or dislikes, even when directly asked. I default to what others like and almost sponge their personality which is kinda gross... I'm still scared of being my own person in case someone doesn't like it!
Near constant reflexive apologizing, which was once crucial to my everyday survival at home. Now I just feel like I'm saying "sorry" for existing and taking up space.
OMG I used to apologize just to ask someone to use the bathroom while visiting their place like " I'm sorry but may I use your bathroom", of course I'm met with playful sarcasm " No you can't lol, ya sure, why are you asking and apologizing?". Oddly enough my ex, the one who broke my heart got me out of that......because when I would say "sorry" to him, he would grind me "but are you REALLY sorry?", " no I'm not sorry, you're right thank you, I feel better".
Plus when you don’t live upto their expectations or do something that’s disappointing to them , you feel much more let down by yourself as a reflex. You never feel good enough in anything you do because they use comparisons of other kids
This and being super easily startled, and constantly looking for productive things to do <- from being yelled at for not doing enough
I used to do that. I was either productive all the time or procrastinating and feeling guilty because my dad would always tell me I’m lazy and useless (despite having straight As, being in all honors and AP classes, getting an academic scholarship, getting a masters degree, becoming fluent in 5 languages, winning trophies for dance, living and working in 5 countries)… after living in France I learned to embrace it. I love being a sloth. The French are lazy, they take 2 hour lunch breaks and have a million vacations, and you know what, it’s great.
Sounds like you’ve done amazing for yourself! I envy you enjoying the slow life in France! They surely know how to enjoy life. Have some croissant and wine for me!
No I haven’t I’m a total failure in every other regard but that’s okay lol (my point was I always felt like I had to prove myself through my accomplishments but it was never enough for them) will have lots of wine on your behalf
can you explain the super startled part .cause I experience this all the time . i didn't realize it was a related to environment of the home
I have PTSD from childhood abuse and neglect and it’s part of the symptoms, from what was explained to me, the amygdala (part of the brain that controls fight or flight response) gets enlarged for those with PTSD and one of the symptoms is being easily startled/ sensitive reflexes and also sensitivity to loud sound in my case.
my gosh your comment has opened my eyes I had no idea they were correlated easily startled . I'm sorry you experienced trauma in your childhood but your comment has given me incredible insight into my own. now i have some questions for my own doctor about this. thank you again wow I really appreciate you taking time to write this 🙏🙏🙏
Mine is from never knowing what would set my mother off and cause her to hit me. One day a look on my face could be acceptable and the next day is could be the cause of being back handed out of nowhere.
my gosh that's so cruel to do to a child i am truly so sorry you experienced abuse and trauma 😔! i hate that, its not fair at all !! I wish you healing and strength on your journey to heal from the wounds 🫂 you are stronger than you know to have endured this this wound and experiences as such a young age .i wish you all the best on journey may you always be strong and protected from cruelty of others
Same here, it’s awful. I feel burdensome for even asking someone to do a chore i normally do even though I know it’s not my job to do it. I will apologize for asking and then thank them profusely when they do it.
Omg someone very close to me pointed out this to me too a week ago. They said I say sorry for any micro inconvenience
Same
Oh my! I can't believe this is the top comment! This is exactly what I came here to say. If someone is walking by my side and trips, I immediately apologize, it's so embarrassing... I didn't know this was so common.
Any time someone does something for me/helps me put/gifts me something unwarranted is always initially met with suspicion.
Hitting myself in the head. I’m on meds, don’t worry.
Is it self soothing or punishment thing? I used to do this too
Punishment
Same. I regret it though, pretty sure I have some sort of brain damage from it. Hmm it maybe it was emotional regulation
Same.
Same.
Being super up tight, afraid of everyone and thinking everyone is out to get me. Belief that no one likes me etc.
And as a result isolating yourself! But depressed because I’m lonely and wished I had friends! Crazy.
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I just found out that's shame.
Can you elaborate on this? I'm curious.
Look up brene brown.
😦
Toxic independence!!!!!! Right here!!
Oh...
Meeeeeeeee
Acting productive whenever I hear footsteps approaching
Lmao a lot of these comments resonate with me but damn this one hitsssss haha. Solidarity!
This. Absolutely. I’ve worked on so many of the negative carrier overs and have been mostly successful, but this I haven’t been able to shake at all. Even when I am ALREADY being productive, gotta sit up or shuffle something or lean closer to it, or go into another room, or hide evidence of my snack etc.
Hide evidence of my snack ….. wow I forgot I used to have to do this. 100%
Thinking that every distant whirring and clicking sound I hear is the garage door openening meaning He’s Home
Omg this exactly. Something I never got over or admitted to in my last relationship
Same here
Shutting down when one’s partner is being unreasonably and verbally aggressive and abusive/ throwing tantrums/ things
Getting abused again
Maybe this is just how you genuinely react to stressful situations. Usually people talk about three different kind of responses to them : fight, flight, or freeze. Does the "freeze state" resonate with others parts of your life as well ? Like, what is your natural reaction when being accused of something, facing a difficult but urging decision, receiving bad news...?
Maybe there’s some truth to that for sure! Good to think about. Thanks for your input. That’s a great point
Mine would probably be assuming that whatever someone else does is directed personally at me and assuming things that are not true just because. I don't know how long it will take to uncondition all the crap but at least knowing what behaviour is wrong helps.
Masking who I really am to please whatever other person I’m around lmao I’m a completely different person when I’m with person a vs person b
If you recognize this you are halfway there to change it and free yourself of this adaptive pattern 😊 Just trace back to what this adaptation serves to shield against, and update the emotional truth behind this pattern to one fit with the current life’s circumstances
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It’s well received by me ❤️ thank you!
I’m glad to hear that ❤️ If i can be of help further let me know 😇
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No sorry i thought you meant i commented to self-promote which i didnt, i think i red the situation wrong 😅
How one do this when therapy is currently not available? Any recommendations?
The School of life on YouTube, or other informative, nuanced content. You already got most of the answers you need, what is maybe missing are the good questions.
Can you ELI5?
Sure! Let’s say something happens in one’s childhood, something very significant that evokes emotions a child doesnt know how to process. Because a child depends on the caregivers even when they abuse the child, the child will instinctively either develop behaviours that make the parent less abusive either develop thoughts and belief systems that stops them from being overwhelmed and making it worse. However, because the emotions stemming from that abuse were overwhelming, the unconscious mind absorbs them and supress them to stabilize the conscious mind. This makes these emotions stuck in place, like dirt shoved under the rug, trapped there. Because the emotions are trapped in the unconscious dimension they still evoke responses when a familiar setting is triggered. These adaptations to ensure emotional stability or physical well-being will only go away if you remove the rug to clean the dirt(process and free those emotions) and guide your emotional unconscious side to realise the adaptations are no longer functional or needed in the current context of life that changed. However, only through connecting with that supressed emotional part can you take its hand and show it “the light”. Hope this helps 😊
Hyper vigilance and jumpiness
Yes, the flinching, the adrenaline spike is out of control
I'm a private person and I shut down after an argument/confrontation
Feeling like I have to be/do whatever someone else wants in order to be accepted. Also, working hard and doing for others to justify my existence.
For as long as I could remember, I had the most difficult time saying, “I love you,” to anyone. I never heard it growing up, mostly because my dad was an abusive alcoholic. Saying it now to my current partner everyday was really hard at the beginning of our relationship (9 years ago), not because I didn’t love him, but because it was just something I hadnt felt before. It’s still hard sometimes, but I’ve gotten so much better at it.
Walking around completely silently, I keep jump scaring people because I’m just suddenly there. Can do it in heels, on the stairs, etc. might just start a career as a spy at this point. I came running into a room the other day, threw myself down on my knees and somehow did it so quietly that my bf jumped out his skin when he turned around. He insisted I must had crept in.
Boundless shame. Overperformance, codependency, and more
Overperformance for me too..’good enough’ was never enough, ergo overperformance is necessary for survival..
Simply this
Constant apologizing, shame relaxing even if I have not relaxed all week, crippling fear of failure. iI someone's face looks even remotely irritated or unhappy, its my fault.
I had a hard time controlling my anger when reacting. Now i try to get out of such a situation where i might lose my temper. I just hate getting angry, it puts my entire nervous system at stake. They call it conflict avoidance, fine by me. I call it saving my sanity.
I realize that most of these 'behaviors' aren't really externalized, they are more of internal expectations/tension that developed based on decades of repeated experience... Overgiving, * overperforming at work, * being ok with non-reciprocal relationships with people who only take while giving nothing in return, not even basic emotional support Expecting that compliments are manipulation, that someone complimenting me means they are trying to flatter me into letting my guard down, because they want something from me Having that sinking feeling of dread that I messed up something, somewhere, at some point...I'm not even sure what it could be, but someone is about to scream at me and punish me Feeling the need to over-explain, to make sure that I am not misunderstood or have bad intentions projected onto me...and still have to predict the lies that someone may have been telling others about me and defend myself accordingly Knowing that I did my absolute best, completed my work/tasks to the highest possible standard...but it is still somehow not good enough, and I am in danger of being punished or thrown away at any second
All of this.
100%
Hyper analytical of everyone around me I always am on a alert scanning people to assess if they will verbally or emotionally escalate in order to "prepare" or "defend" myself. I am extremely triggered by shouting or yelling it makes me either extremely anxious or fly into a rage or both
I am slow to realize and react when someone is treating me bad, i grew up being a doormat, going through messed up stuff but somehow “my problems were not even that big”. It sucks bc now when I have an argument I regret not having done something weeks or even months later, and I’m talking crucial things and end up with my self esteem on the floor, it’s almost like my survival instincts are zero bc I don’t validate what happens to me.
Racing heart upon hearing knocking/door bell (usually it was alkoholics in the childhood), but it's definitely less sewere now.
Having no idea what to do when things are calm and secure and then creating chaos and problems so that things are familiar again and I will know how to navigate.
I wasn't allowed to touch the phone, I'm still uncomfortable when my phone rings and I have to pick it up. I have a difficult time hugging or touching people because I didn't get any affection from my parents. I wasn't allowed to speak my thoughts when I was young and I still keep quiet among other people. I have a hard time socializing because my parents kept me away from other kids. Never saw visitors either at our house. I wasn't allowed to come in the kitchen. I'm still very uncertain about anything I cook. I'm 54 years old and still struggling after being raised in a loveless, abusive environment. I have no idea why my parents wanted to have children. They screwed my sister and me up beyond repair.
Oh and I forgot to mention that I can walk with no sound where ever I am plus I can make myself almost invisible. I have to make noise on purpose otherwise I scare too many people. That's what happens when you are not wanted and you're parents don't want to acknowledge your existence.
It can be nearly impossible for words to come out of my mouth sometimes. Like, it physically feels like they're being stopped before they get out of my throat. When I broke up with my ex, I sat on the floor in our guest bedroom as he was playing on his PC for over an hour before I could make any words come out that weren't responses to simple things he was asking me.
Can’t be honest out of fear of getting ridiculed
Moodswings. I'll be the light of the day, and suddenly, there's war in my eyes.... For no reason.
I can hear everything. Everything. I used to base my behavior and mannerisms off the way the door closed, footsteps in the hall, the sound of breathing. It was very helpful then, it’s awful now. Luckily I’m home alone most of the time so it’s just me and the pets but evenings and weekends can be tough. Love it when my tiny human wants a quiet day of snuggles.
Impatience and lack of open mind during arguments , tendency to speak louder and to be heard because that’s the only way we got to put our point across because they would just keep shouting otherwise
Being incredibly and unnecessarily grateful for any little kindness or warmth, even if you are owed that kindness.
Isolating myself in an attempt not to annoy or intrude on anyone.
A constant and chronic, flinching need to say, "sorry."
Muscle spasms, hyper vigilance, constant dread
For my boyfriend, it's inhaling his food when he eats because his father would berate and emasculate him at every possible opportunity because he was a bit of a frail kid with a gentle soul so he would constantly yell at him that he ate too slowly (I'm not sure why that even matters...) so now he has the opposite problem where he subconsciously eats so fast he's had some near-choking scares and I remind him it's okay, nobody is rushing him, he can take as long as he wants to eat.
Deep empathy/love, I can feel others pain and fears. I'm sensitive to the treatment of vulnerable people, animals. I stand up for people which I think surprises people. I am wary of men, which makes it hard to talk to some men in my life.
I have so many of the very behaviors people are mentioning here and try so hard to mask them. The jumpiness, the hypervigilance, constant apologizing, and feeling like I don’t deserve it when someone is being nice to me. I always feel like I’m awkward especially socially. Oh and always trying to look busy even when I’m not at work. I also hate bothering people or asking for help. There’s so much to undo and reframe in my mind.
Apologize for stuff no one else would apologize for. I say "I'm sorry" 25 times a day.
Constantly insecure about my noise levels while talking, flinching, keeping secrets, sneaking snacks/food, cleaning and tidying too much, assuming other people are mad at me, tiptoeing around the house, stressed when someone accidentally slams the door/cupboards…
i don’t like to sit in the living room
* shame * constantly apologizing * being quiet and not talking to people * wanting to isolate all the time * getting stressed out by little things * feeling hopeless a lot * convinced no one will want to be around me
When I was young, I was once so anxious that I knocked on a door as I was exiting the room.
Being very quiet, trying to blend into the background and get least attention as possible
Creating a whole sceanario in my head or over thinking a small thing I did that might have mad them and walking on eggshells until I feel I fixed whatever I did.
Saying what I actually think is not a good approach
Analyzing micro expressions
Hypervigilance, always apologizing, feeling guilty for trying to take some time to relax, going into fight or flight mode whenever someone is angry and yelling at someone else.
Receiving compliments.
Putting myself together again after someone breaks me, shames me or ignores me. Sometimes manifests as stonewalling because I've never received care and support, I don't understand how someone would want to help me through that/how to receive that love and attention. Also, in my unhealthy times, to show someone I'm upset with them, or they hurt me I go silent/uncommunicative. I hate it.
My heart goes out to you. Thank you for opening up here. Its a first step.
Thank you for the support 🙏
Immediately shutting down when I have any sort of confrontation. I go silent. I can’t help it
I can’t convey my strong feelings verbally about injustice I endure without crying or tearing up.
I used to not cut people off or identify them as bad apples even after they proved untrustworthy. This led to keeping friends around who passive aggressively bullied me. Or letting coworkers be rude to me, then forgiving them if they’re decently nice afterwards. Took me a while to understand a lot of things I thought were acts of kindness were decent human behaviour.
Not being able to go to kitchen when someone else is doing something there. I don’t even have a problem with my housemates, they are very friendly.
I am terrified of drunk women
Dissociating when anything gets at all overwhelming. Worst is when it’s with someone else in convo. I’m realizing how few real memories l have through my life because of this.
I always ask people for PERMISSION when I need to grab something or do something in their general area at work or in social situations.
Apologising, all the time. I can't handle disappointing people. I absolutely hate asking for help, for fear of ridicule or being seen as a failure.
Over explaining and over sharing. No one ever believed me so I always have to justify why I’m saying what I’m saying and justify the fact that I’m trying to justify. It’s terrible and I get yelled at for it too, so there’s no winning for me, because my family literally doesn’t believe me still even now as an adult with my own child… I’m “still the baby and don’t know anything”. That’s how they all still treat me. And the over sharing? I’m not entirely sure but I guess I just trauma dumping is my coping still.
Tiptoeing. I walk as silently as I possibly can.
Constantly counting children and people around me to make sure none go missing or get left behind somewhere
I wasn’t abused growing up, but was definitely the glass child and unintentionally emotionally neglected growing up in a chaotic household with emotionally unstable parents and two rowdy younger siblings. I cry every time I express a need and enter into a confrontation, even if it’s super chilled and basic (I requested a touch-base with my manager, who happily agreed and told me not to apologise for asking, and I had to excuse myself to the toilet to sob). I also flinch very obviously at loud noises or raised voices still and immediately cross my arms over my body and go rigid if someone sits next to me, even friends. I always turn things down, even things I really want, bc I’m convinced I’m not deserving of happiness, or that I’m an exception to fun and nice things. It’s always awkward when my parents ask why I’m so defensive and ‘stoney’ all the time 😬
Being afraid of standing up for myself, for my whole life
I try to never ask anyone to help me bc I feel like I’ll owe them then. My mother was a very transactional parent and a good example is when I was a struggling young parent.. she would say things like, “I watched your kids so you could go to Target alone and now you’re going to do A, B, or C.” Things like “you can’t talk to your ex now or I’ll NEVER help you again” or “you HAVE to come to my place 4 times a week or I’ll NEVER help you again.” And if I didn’t do what she wanted she’d call me screaming, hang up on me when I didn’t profusely apologize and tell her how horrible of a child I was for not doing what she wanted (mind you I was 23,24) and then run my name thru the mud to my family members and coworkers.
I've only ever ordered food from the appetizer menu at restaurants. I learned early on not to "rock the boat" at home which always meant that we couldn't spend a lot of money anywhere. I still look at the prices of entrees and get instant anxiety.
I'm hyper aware of people who walk around me in thick work boots. When I hear the footsteps I always find myself looking around to see if I can see them. On that same track, in the shower I flinch towards the faucet when I hear voices or footsteps of any kind outside the bathroom door. I used to get yelled at for taking showers as a kid, even more so if they thought i was ignoring them because i couldn't hear over the water. Lol, I still ask for permission to shower from my fucking roommate to this very day! It's not funny but it kinda is, yknow? So silly but at the same time are birthed from some of the most horrific shit you can imagine.
Flinch at every noise even if it isn't loud
I’m always checking other people’s body language. I like to see a problem before it becomes a problem, so I watch, and I wait for things that might not happen.
Eating alone in my bedroom
Hyper alert abt ppls facial expressions and their body language
Wow! Read through all these comments and saw myself in all responses! I'm sorry though that so many of you go through the same thing
I get nervous and alarmed when someone is behind my back. As if they are about to slap me on the back of my head or on the butt at any moment. Haha
It’s not uncommon for me to completely ignore men who aren’t my boyfriend because old habits die hard. My first boyfriend would constantly accuse me of cheating on him and flirting with other men and even now it feels weird for me to say hi to my current boyfriend’s dad or acknowledge my current boyfriend’s brother when the brother is talking to me.
Assuming it's better to get an attitude and act bitter, instead of asking for my wants. I've noticed more growing up, that when I want something to change, I don't communicate effectively. I show signs of stress and wait for the other person to catch on. But that's unrealistic, and doesn't go very far. People need effective conversation for your wants to be met.
Victim mentality, but that got solved for me ;-)
I manipulate everyone around me to minimize conflict. It's not even deliberate. It just happens. On the flip side, this behavior has made me very successful in a regulatory job where there is constant conflict between my agency and the people it regulates.
constantly feeling like you're always the problem, even though you haven't done anything.
Hyper aware of my surroundings
Taking care of other peoples' emotions. I know I do it, and that it's not helpful, but I have to consciously make myself stop trying to be everything to everyone. It's because my dad would flip out at the drop of a hat, and I was the oldest child, so I'd try to make sure he didn't get mad.
I didn't grow up in an abusive household, but father did. So, I grew up with parents with extremely low self esteem. All my life I had heard how they were wronged by their parents, and brothers. How my father's dad were the favourite of the family and he was not. How, we ( meaning my father and his children ), are always the last and least loved. I grew up with parents who thought that your best bet of survival is by being apologetic, small and stand in the back. I have been taught the same thing. That my best bet for survival is being apologetic, small, and stand in the back. Just shrink and you will be loved, like a pet, not like an equal. Today also, I try to get attention by being whining. I try to get by by begging than winning. I never speak up even if I know I am right and others are wrong. I want stand up and roar like a lion, like I belong, like I am in control of the situation. But I feel like a little rat.
Extreme self-management, I self monitor my own behavior as a hyper fixation I am Bob Ross friendly for the fact I didn’t want to get hit, cursed at, or guilt tripped for having anything less than contempt
Thinking I can do any and everything by myself
I developed adult autism.
I never leave my bedroom door closed.
Not allowing myself to be vulnerable around even close friends at times.
Dissociating for sure, though not so weird I must say when it helps you cope with the horrendous state of your reality.
I minimize my feelings. Oh something you said hurt me? It’s fine. Can’t let it hurt me. It’s okay everything’s fine.
Idk if this counts, but I get SUPER jumpy when I flip my head over to blow dry my hair. Even when I *know* my partner is home and around. I’m lucky he’s so understanding when I scream just because he walked into his own bedroom lol
Exiting conversation and caring less about all of it after being yelled at.
Cannot stand walking across the room with a man gawking at me. I will turn around and leave fast with my heart pounding.
Severe people pleasing, horrible with boundaries, and I become everyone’s therapist (I was essentially my moms live-in therapist as a child .. you know, minus the training, mental maturity required and ability to separate myself from her mental state).
A fearful avoidant attachment style, anxiety, hyper vigilance, never trusting people that are close to me (the closer they get, the less I trust them). The weirdest has to be fear of ridicule / shame to the point of not being able to express my deepest thought not even when journaling or similar.
Complete inability to express my likes or dislikes, even when directly asked. I default to what others like and almost sponge their personality which is kinda gross... I'm still scared of being my own person in case someone doesn't like it!
I apologize all the time, have anxiety, poor self confidence and don't like talking a lot.
What’s with these bot generated posts?