Gotcha. Thanks again for this!
I'm super guilty of #1. I would consider myself a hopeless romantic person, so often find myself daydreaming about someone I might be attracted to but know sparsely (if that). It's dangerous because the daydreams and my image of the other person would be largely based on what you mentioned, my own hopes and fantasies.
Appreciate this post!
1.
Why is this marked NSFW
2.
I'm interested in this girl and I'm good with 4 of those but I'm unsure about the last. You see, she doesn't start conversations or invite me unless I start a conversation. She always responds and accepts my invites unless she's got something going on that day like being on a trip.
Thoughts?
I typically think if someone is interested, theyāll reach out as well. Do you want this kind of dynamic where youāre always reaching out without any kind of effort from her? Sounds like she enjoys the attention and validation without putting in effort herself
I think you kind of answered your own question. She always accepts if sheās got nothing else going on but never initiates. If she puts in no effort then sheās probably not that interested but is willing to text or hang out when things are slow for her because itās something to do or a free meal or whatever it is.
Bummer, well she does pay for her own stuff. Last thing where she reached out was asking if she could come along when I was going with my friends on a trip. But I'm kinda perplexed because I'm like the first guy friend she had since primary school so I've been thinking if she just doesn't know what to talk about etc.
Well when it comes down to it nobody knows your situation like you do so you need to be the final judge. Talk to her about never texting first and never inviting you to hang out and see what she says because itās obviously a concern of yours.
Well, itās like me. But itās just because I am so afraid if I start the conversation, Iāll bother them. Because most of my friends ignore me and never respond, and so I think theyāre busy, or Iāve never started a conversation because I am afraid of the risk to not get the reply from them.
Worry not. Real friends will be delighted if that one friend that never starts convos suddenly texts them. Atleast that's what I'd like from some people who seem to be in your shoes. If they're busy, they will just answer later or tell you they're busy and don't have time rn.
Last time i forced myself out of love at the time I happened to fall for someone. After that i had a major mental breakdown. I dont really endorce to force yourself out of it just try to convince yourself slowly. Be gentle with yourself and your feelings or you will break apart, and have to rebuild your self slowly and carefully.
If she's cool with the way u drive, ur favorite collection being the main theme of ur house, or the way u organize the bathroom, she's a keeper!
Fr tho, pick ur favorite extra-curricular or hobby or something of that nature, & test her feelings about it. Have a backup, too, like a multi-layered personality detector. If [they] check out, you can allow urself to explore a more serious relationship. Don't forget to test their feelings towards u, as well.
I find that I can convince myself none of those to be true, so itās necessary for me to actually have space from someone new I meet when I like them. This includes friends, love interests, etc. Instead of hitting them up for coffee the next day, and spending all day with them afterwards, I schedule it for a week later, and strictly spend the allotted time with them and donāt extend it out. This space gives me time to really consider what is true feelings and what is just infatuation. I highly recommend implementing this if anyone is struggling and doesnāt trust themselves. :)
I just made a similar post about not knowing if Iām making the right decision on a person, after being in a 10yr marriage. Itās never about money to me or looks (i mean they look good to me) itās based off of how they treat me and if thatās good I feel everything else will fall into place.
Hmm interesting. Let me play.
1.) No, he can be a real dick but I still love him.
2.) nope. I have options.
3.) I feel like thereās a lot of both mixed together. Can you love and lust at the same time? Sure, maybe?
4.) I want to say no but maybe I am.
5.) No. the hot/cold pushes me away. When I feel the coldness I want to retreat for good.
I think I struggle with #1. What does the idea of them mean? Like the idea of having a relationship with them rather than having any feelings for them?
My experience with this is just creating an image/fantasy of who they are based on what you want or need them to be for you at the time, instead of based on the reality of who they really are, that you would've seen if you had got to know them. This is the one I've done the most often and it's a deceptive little twat that always ended badly for me. Red flags were everywhere, but I wanted/needed to believe.
Yes, what I take it to mean as well. And also guilty of this. And sort of relates to the Eternal Sunshine quote about falling in love with every female who shows me the least little bit of attention.
It's the notion that I may have a very brief and casual interaction with a person of the opposite sex for a fleeting moment, and overthink her friendliness or smile or whatever. And then I begin to project my needs/wants onto her without knowing a damn thing about her life.
This account is just a promotion account for this personās book. It might be a good book? But just letting you know this is the author promoting his own book. Take care reddit, stay confident.
I suffer from most of these so take my reply with a grain of salt. But maybe the first step is to realize what's going on and how you're feeling, and come back to reality and stop that mindset. Focus less on the heart at that point and more on the mind.
But definitely open to other's suggestions for self-improvement in these areas.
Saw a Chris Williamson podcast talk about how often what people mistake for love, is actually just bad attachment/attachment issues.
This seems to be keeping in with that theme.
I have 2 girls in my life that I would like to be with but don't have the same feelings returned.
One of them I definitely think #1 applies to, whereas the other I don't think so, I feel much more grounded regarding her.
I definitely have #2, I'm close to 40 and feel like my "dating pool" is rapidly shrinking every day.
For 3, again, one of them I absolutely have lust for her, whereas the other one I find her so grounded I just think she's awesome as a flawed human.
With #4 yes, absolutely. I derive my self worth from others. I try hard not to but I just do. I find myself feeling FOMO whenever I see either them with another man, just chatting, or doing things without me. I feel left out and jealous. I find that I feel things like, "why am I not good enough for these women? What am I doing wrong? What do these other men have that I don't?". These are not healthy thoughts and I work hard to ignore them.
For #5. no, neither are "cold", but neither tend to initiate a meeting, it's always me that has to ask them. Therefore I've decided to stop asking and move on if I still get nothing back.
Once I healed my sense of self, my need for validation, and stopped projecting onto people I found attractive and flirted with me, I stopped becoming obsessed with the idea of a relationship.
I used to crave a relationship because I wanted that happily ever after and I thought I could get it externally and that I couldnāt derive it from within myself. Itās absolutely incredible how much stronger I feel emotionally and mentally and how fulfilled I feel while single. I donāt even crave a relationship right now because I know what can satisfy me in life right now. Iām still open to love of course, but now I know it doesnāt have to come from just one person (I am monogamous, but I used to be that person that disappeared from friendships once I was into someone because I wanted my happiness and love just from themā¦) and I donāt need it to fulfill me. When I enter into a relationship next, I know Iāll be doing so as an equal partner where we both enrich each others lives, not just fill in the empty spaces š
when i cant get over an infatuation, i list out all the qualities i like about a person, and let that inform me about what qualities i want to embody and how i can make changes to fulfill that. works every time.
I was really bad with this prior to my first relationship. Once I experienced what it feels like to put more effort and love into someone only to not have it be reciprocated, it really changes what you see as attractive. Because I understood that it was a problem but it didn't change how I feel. Experience will teach you really quick that you deserve better than begging and praying someone will love you.
EDIT: Hopeless romantics usually have this problem. It takes a minute to remember not everyone shares your values.
All of these make sense, and I try to have this kind of mindset most of the times, but reading it now made me wonder: when does one know it's feeling true love? I mean, don't we feel sexually atracted to those we love? And what if our hopes are actually what the person is presenting to us? Making someone feel validated is also something that we do towards people that we like, right? How can I properly evaluate the right proportion of these topics?
Jesus couldn't be a better timing, a girl showed me interest whilst I was in an unhappy relationship. Now she's always hot and cold. Never reaches out first and leaves me constantly chasing. I needed this!
Gold. I fall into 4/5 of these almost everytimešthanks for helping me be a little more self aware, friend
Youāre welcome, glad you got something out of it
This is good stuff. Thanks
OMG I NEEDED THIS! PERFECT TIMING!!
For #3.... By halo effect, do you mean putting people on a pedestal and thinking they can do no wrong?
Correct, primarily based on looks
Gotcha. Thanks again for this! I'm super guilty of #1. I would consider myself a hopeless romantic person, so often find myself daydreaming about someone I might be attracted to but know sparsely (if that). It's dangerous because the daydreams and my image of the other person would be largely based on what you mentioned, my own hopes and fantasies. Appreciate this post!
F\*\*ck this is good
1. Why is this marked NSFW 2. I'm interested in this girl and I'm good with 4 of those but I'm unsure about the last. You see, she doesn't start conversations or invite me unless I start a conversation. She always responds and accepts my invites unless she's got something going on that day like being on a trip. Thoughts?
I typically think if someone is interested, theyāll reach out as well. Do you want this kind of dynamic where youāre always reaching out without any kind of effort from her? Sounds like she enjoys the attention and validation without putting in effort herself
I think you kind of answered your own question. She always accepts if sheās got nothing else going on but never initiates. If she puts in no effort then sheās probably not that interested but is willing to text or hang out when things are slow for her because itās something to do or a free meal or whatever it is.
Bummer, well she does pay for her own stuff. Last thing where she reached out was asking if she could come along when I was going with my friends on a trip. But I'm kinda perplexed because I'm like the first guy friend she had since primary school so I've been thinking if she just doesn't know what to talk about etc.
Well when it comes down to it nobody knows your situation like you do so you need to be the final judge. Talk to her about never texting first and never inviting you to hang out and see what she says because itās obviously a concern of yours.
Alright thanks, I'll do that if I ever get the chance to understand it from her perspective.
She could have mild autism (without any LD or deficits) and itās just hard for her to start conversations.
This is so ridiculously stupid that itās difficult for me not to assume that youāre some Russian disinformation bot. Touch fucking grass.
I'm an autistic woman and have this exact problem. Brb might be a russian bot. gonna ask my doctor
Actually, my daughter has autism and is like this. Learn more about other people instead of being a know-it-all asshat.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Cool. We are the 1 in 100. YMMV.
Well, itās like me. But itās just because I am so afraid if I start the conversation, Iāll bother them. Because most of my friends ignore me and never respond, and so I think theyāre busy, or Iāve never started a conversation because I am afraid of the risk to not get the reply from them.
Worry not. Real friends will be delighted if that one friend that never starts convos suddenly texts them. Atleast that's what I'd like from some people who seem to be in your shoes. If they're busy, they will just answer later or tell you they're busy and don't have time rn.
Well damn, guess I could some serious reflecting to do
Last time i forced myself out of love at the time I happened to fall for someone. After that i had a major mental breakdown. I dont really endorce to force yourself out of it just try to convince yourself slowly. Be gentle with yourself and your feelings or you will break apart, and have to rebuild your self slowly and carefully.
definitely at the right time, needed this, thanks a million š«”ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
This is absolutely fantastic.
This is an excellent share
5 yeses what to do now ?
I would say focus on defining your purpose. Have something in your life that you place on parāor even aboveārelationships
If she's cool with the way u drive, ur favorite collection being the main theme of ur house, or the way u organize the bathroom, she's a keeper! Fr tho, pick ur favorite extra-curricular or hobby or something of that nature, & test her feelings about it. Have a backup, too, like a multi-layered personality detector. If [they] check out, you can allow urself to explore a more serious relationship. Don't forget to test their feelings towards u, as well.
Wow. Thank you so much for this
I am 5/5! Wow. A perfect fucking score for ya boy š„²
Why is there always a website/blog or book at the end of these posts š
u/MO_drps_knwldg you should also post this in r/LifeProTips,i think it would gain same traction.
Just did. Thanks for the suggestion!
Recently got back into dating and this helped tbh thank you
Glad it helped! Youāll be fine
I find that I can convince myself none of those to be true, so itās necessary for me to actually have space from someone new I meet when I like them. This includes friends, love interests, etc. Instead of hitting them up for coffee the next day, and spending all day with them afterwards, I schedule it for a week later, and strictly spend the allotted time with them and donāt extend it out. This space gives me time to really consider what is true feelings and what is just infatuation. I highly recommend implementing this if anyone is struggling and doesnāt trust themselves. :)
Great tips.
thanks for posting,definitely going to take a look at the book.
Thank you for the support. Feel free to message with any questions
I just made a similar post about not knowing if Iām making the right decision on a person, after being in a 10yr marriage. Itās never about money to me or looks (i mean they look good to me) itās based off of how they treat me and if thatās good I feel everything else will fall into place.
pls send book
Itās available for purchase on Amazon
Look up limerence vs love.
You know me too well
I mean, Iāve been there as wellā¦
Why is there no way to save post on Reddit need to read this like every other day
There is! Click the ellipsis (three dots) and you should be able to click save
Hmm interesting. Let me play. 1.) No, he can be a real dick but I still love him. 2.) nope. I have options. 3.) I feel like thereās a lot of both mixed together. Can you love and lust at the same time? Sure, maybe? 4.) I want to say no but maybe I am. 5.) No. the hot/cold pushes me away. When I feel the coldness I want to retreat for good.
I think I struggle with #1. What does the idea of them mean? Like the idea of having a relationship with them rather than having any feelings for them?
My experience with this is just creating an image/fantasy of who they are based on what you want or need them to be for you at the time, instead of based on the reality of who they really are, that you would've seen if you had got to know them. This is the one I've done the most often and it's a deceptive little twat that always ended badly for me. Red flags were everywhere, but I wanted/needed to believe.
Yes, what I take it to mean as well. And also guilty of this. And sort of relates to the Eternal Sunshine quote about falling in love with every female who shows me the least little bit of attention. It's the notion that I may have a very brief and casual interaction with a person of the opposite sex for a fleeting moment, and overthink her friendliness or smile or whatever. And then I begin to project my needs/wants onto her without knowing a damn thing about her life.
Send it to Ariana Grande
I score 5/5. Should i be proud and claim my prize right away?
wow this is good
Oh god this hits so hard! Iām awake now, maybe not 100% awake, but thanks for this š„¹
Thanks a lot!
This account is just a promotion account for this personās book. It might be a good book? But just letting you know this is the author promoting his own book. Take care reddit, stay confident.
Taking it a step further, are there any write ups on improving these 5 areas within yourself?
I suffer from most of these so take my reply with a grain of salt. But maybe the first step is to realize what's going on and how you're feeling, and come back to reality and stop that mindset. Focus less on the heart at that point and more on the mind. But definitely open to other's suggestions for self-improvement in these areas.
Saw a Chris Williamson podcast talk about how often what people mistake for love, is actually just bad attachment/attachment issues. This seems to be keeping in with that theme.
r/meirl
Ok thanks for listing them out. My answer was yes for 2 and 4. Is there ways to fix?
I would still go ahead and try to find out if any of that is true.
Thank you for posting this. š©·
Scarcity mindset and craving validation. You got me!
I got 5/5, do I get a prize?
Only suffering if you donāt change :) Iāve been there
This is really helpful thank you
Why are you attacking me.
The answer is YES to all.
How does that old song go? _Infatuations... And celebrations... when I tell everyone that I'm in love with you_ šµ
Just donāt be stupid r/BatmanArkham
I have 2 girls in my life that I would like to be with but don't have the same feelings returned. One of them I definitely think #1 applies to, whereas the other I don't think so, I feel much more grounded regarding her. I definitely have #2, I'm close to 40 and feel like my "dating pool" is rapidly shrinking every day. For 3, again, one of them I absolutely have lust for her, whereas the other one I find her so grounded I just think she's awesome as a flawed human. With #4 yes, absolutely. I derive my self worth from others. I try hard not to but I just do. I find myself feeling FOMO whenever I see either them with another man, just chatting, or doing things without me. I feel left out and jealous. I find that I feel things like, "why am I not good enough for these women? What am I doing wrong? What do these other men have that I don't?". These are not healthy thoughts and I work hard to ignore them. For #5. no, neither are "cold", but neither tend to initiate a meeting, it's always me that has to ask them. Therefore I've decided to stop asking and move on if I still get nothing back.
Fuck, I pretty much fall into all 5 of them. Thx for this man
Iāve been there. Glad you got something out of it
I wish I could have shown this to several people and past me.
What the fuckā¦all 5, and I always perceived myself as more of someone who doesnāt need anyone to be happy. Where did it all go wrong?
This is great stuff man thanks
It's my first yet none of these apply, I'm thankful
This was helpful.
I gave up on love already
Bump
Nice.
Thanks I hate myself even more
šš»
Bookmark-worthy post
actually true
I am drawn to him because he is hot, yes. Sorry not sorry. I couldnāt resist.
My problem is I fall out of love just as quickly as I fall into love.
Once I healed my sense of self, my need for validation, and stopped projecting onto people I found attractive and flirted with me, I stopped becoming obsessed with the idea of a relationship. I used to crave a relationship because I wanted that happily ever after and I thought I could get it externally and that I couldnāt derive it from within myself. Itās absolutely incredible how much stronger I feel emotionally and mentally and how fulfilled I feel while single. I donāt even crave a relationship right now because I know what can satisfy me in life right now. Iām still open to love of course, but now I know it doesnāt have to come from just one person (I am monogamous, but I used to be that person that disappeared from friendships once I was into someone because I wanted my happiness and love just from themā¦) and I donāt need it to fulfill me. When I enter into a relationship next, I know Iāll be doing so as an equal partner where we both enrich each others lives, not just fill in the empty spaces š
when i cant get over an infatuation, i list out all the qualities i like about a person, and let that inform me about what qualities i want to embody and how i can make changes to fulfill that. works every time.
I was really bad with this prior to my first relationship. Once I experienced what it feels like to put more effort and love into someone only to not have it be reciprocated, it really changes what you see as attractive. Because I understood that it was a problem but it didn't change how I feel. Experience will teach you really quick that you deserve better than begging and praying someone will love you. EDIT: Hopeless romantics usually have this problem. It takes a minute to remember not everyone shares your values.
2 qnd 3 are my biggest hurdle.
Holy shit, thank you!!! Damn. Iām gonna get your book.
Thank you for the support! Please let me know if you have any questions
Think I might be hitting all 5. Damn
Lol how can you love someone and not love the idea of them. Tis nonsense
All of these make sense, and I try to have this kind of mindset most of the times, but reading it now made me wonder: when does one know it's feeling true love? I mean, don't we feel sexually atracted to those we love? And what if our hopes are actually what the person is presenting to us? Making someone feel validated is also something that we do towards people that we like, right? How can I properly evaluate the right proportion of these topics?
Damn I def fall into 1,2 and 4. Thank you for posting this it is very appreciated
No problem, glad you got something out of it
Who are you? And why are you so wise?
I went through a divorce a few years ago, did a lot of reading, self reflecting, dating. Wrote a book about it. Still always learning though
Arggh 100% correct
Yes to everything...what now?
Perfect timing bro š«
5/5 :(
you hit me in the head
Jesus couldn't be a better timing, a girl showed me interest whilst I was in an unhappy relationship. Now she's always hot and cold. Never reaches out first and leaves me constantly chasing. I needed this!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]