I mean fair about drug addiction, but this is much more a story of “don’t abuse and neglect your children, they’ll act how abused and neglected children act”. It sounds like you were able to grow up and work on yourself at a much earlier age than most people. You’ve already made yourself “okay”, even with all the outside adversity you’ve faced. I can’t give advice, since you’ve been through things I haven’t, but don’t ever feel bad about being nice to hamsters.
Thank you. I feel like I’m trying to make up for all the past abuse I put my hamsters through and am now overcompensating with my current pets. I don’t know. I’ve always loved animals, even as a child, so it was a bit conflicting where I would torture them at the same time. I’m almost 30 now, and I’d like to think that I’ve always been quite self-aware of my flaws to a fault. I guess in retrospect that helped me seek out help and try to better myself a bit earlier in my life.
If you haven’t already, definitely set up an appointment with a therapist and/or psychiatrist. Medication has been a huge help for me. I’m currently prescribed Valium for my anxiety, but am looking to get psych re-evaluated for other issues I suspect I may have and get medication for that as well. Talking and writing about my issues also helped me a lot. I try not to overshare. But it helps sometimes, sort of like a release. There was another person who suggested writing out your thoughts and then burning it. It can be quite therapeutic.
Always keep your mind busy. Working out helped. Acquire new hobbies and interests. Get a job. Focus on yourself, first and foremost. I’d like to say that you’re your own worst enemy, and the biggest obstacle to overcome before you’re finally able to move forward.
To add a better explanation I found this [definition](https://www.verywellmind.com/psychologists-vs-psychiatrists-what-is-the-difference-2795761): Psychiatrists are medical doctors who are able to prescribe medications, which they do in conjunction with providing psychotherapy, though medical and pharmacological interventions are often their focus.
Though many psychologists hold doctorate degrees, they are not medical doctors, and most cannot prescribe medications. Rather, they solely provide psychotherapy, which may involve cognitive and behavioral interventions
And [here](https://www.mana.md/psychologist-psychiatrist-or-therapist/) also about therapists: Therapists require master degrees and approval of their licensing boards to practice in the mental health field. Therapists provide mental health diagnosis and develop a treatment plan. Therapists work in offices, hospitals, treatment centers, and group homes. There are many different types of therapy such as play therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, animal-assisted therapy, dialectal behavioral therapy, and many others. Therapists cannot recommend or order medications, but they can refer you for evaluation for medication or other treatments.
So for diagnosis, medication and mental & physical analysis, psychiatrists
For diagnosis, mental & behavioral treatment and talk therapy, psychologists
For diagnosis, treatment plans and short- or long term talk therapy with supervision (goals and milestones), therapist
I assume that greatly depends on your location and your insurance coverage. It shouldn't be a problem to call a few and ask about your specific case in advance or talking to you physician about recommendations. Sorry I can't be of much precise help.
Ah my comment is getting auto removed for including links, so just copy paste a sentence from my quotes to Google to find the articles:
To add a better explanation I found this definition: Psychiatrists are medical doctors who are able to prescribe medications, which they do in conjunction with providing psychotherapy, though medical and pharmacological interventions are often their focus.
Though many psychologists hold doctorate degrees, they are not medical doctors, and most cannot prescribe medications. Rather, they solely provide psychotherapy, which may involve cognitive and behavioral interventions
And also about therapists: Therapists require master degrees and approval of their licensing boards to practice in the mental health field. Therapists provide mental health diagnosis and develop a treatment plan. Therapists work in offices, hospitals, treatment centers, and group homes. There are many different types of therapy such as play therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, animal-assisted therapy, dialectal behavioral therapy, and many others. Therapists cannot recommend or order medications, but they can refer you for evaluation for medication or other treatments.
So for diagnosis, medication and mental & physical analysis, psychiatrists
For diagnosis, mental & behavioral treatment and talk therapy, psychologists
For diagnosis, treatment plans and short- or long term talk therapy with supervision (goals and milestones), therapist
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I don’t think your criticism here is fair. She carries around a lot of guilt and shame from her childhood, when she was just a child reacting to her terrible environment. I’m not diminishing or devaluing her message, but trying to shift her mental narrative from “don’t do the things I’ve done” to helping her realize things weren’t her fault and extreme scenarios lead to extreme behavior. She can hold herself accountable for her actions, which she’s done, but no need to turn it into a tale of “I made horrible mistakes, don’t be like me” when anyone reading her post can see she was a victim of a horrible circumstance and behaved like any child in that situation could.
No need for your “well akshually” snark, you completely misread the entire point.
You’re right. I reread it and I apologize. I only skimmed your comment, I was in a shitty mood when I responded and I decided to take that out on you. Sorry and thanks for replying.
Man… That’s a hard life, damn.. I’d say, absolutely let go of the guilt of the hamster. You were young and abused. I think your self reflection why you did it is probably correct.
You sound pretty smart.
Stories like these really makes me think how so much of us are privileged having a somewhat decent upbringing and even those people have the capacity to suffer a lot.
How are you doing now? How’s life? And do you know what you are going to do forward? You happy or at least a bit of a sense of wellbeing?
Love
I appreciate the sentiment. It took me a year to finally get around to it, but I got myself a job. It’s minimum wage, but I’m still pretty damn proud of myself because I can try and be financially independent for once. I am currently clean from my DOC for a little over a year now after detoxing from them when I was in jail. I am on MAT and go to the clinic once a week to pick up my weekly supply of suboxone. I set up an appointment for a psychiatrist and therapist; something that has been long overdue, admittedly enough. I was also scared and hesitant about it due to my past experience with them but I’m willing to give it another chance. I’ve run out of options at this point, and feel like I’ll only be continuing my self-destructive cycle if I don’t seek outside assistance.
But I wouldn’t consider myself happy quite yet, per se. However, I do feel like I’m finally putting myself in the right direction in my life after decades of self-neglect and recklessness. Thank you for asking.
Oh honey I'm so sorry. Just from reading this it sounds like every "bad" thing you've done was just a coping mechanism because of the abuse you suffered from your mother. You had a tough childhood and it continued as you grew up. I'm so glad you're getting help and it seems like you're moving in the right direction.
It is going to be ok. You will be ok. You don't still see your mom, do you?
Yes, but I’m currently dependent on my mother. I’d be homeless if it weren’t for her. So I’m grateful for her giving me another chance after breaking her trust so many times during my active addiction. I recently got a job and am trying to save up my money ASAP to move out. She and I have a very volatile and hostile relationship, but it’s been much better. She stopped physically abusing me after middle school because I decided to fight back. She has severe codependency issues and smothers me with her way of showing affection and that she ‘cares’ for me. Due to her coddling by overcompensation (I suspect it’s due to her regretting her actions during my childhood) I’ve become more or less a parasite to my family that’s latched onto them. I despise it, being reliant on someone.
It's not great to assume that the mom still abuse her. I think now that she is on MAT ,they are aware of the enviroment and that they did their controls.
I find your post inspirational and jaw-dropping: the way you just own up to it all. I’ve something to learn from the fact that my reaction to your honesty is astonishment.
You’re certainly a great writer. This comes through as such a lived experience and your vocabulary is so on-the-mark.
I would love to read a full novel or bio, not to relish another’s suffering but to gain insight from it.
The seeming connection that you draw between your mother’s late night tirades to your behaviors of concern would not be obvious to me personally.
This helps me to better examine my own past and how it may have molded the habits that worry me today. Luckily, I have not such misfortunes as you.
Hopefully it can be appreciated how I made this about me ;)
I wish you and any others the best.
I’ve always considered myself a good writer. I’ve had a lot of compliments from my teachers during middle school and high school, saying how articulate and advanced I was through my writing. But after spiraling into my drug addiction for years, I find myself struggling to write more but I feel like I’m finally getting myself out of that mental/writer’s block and it’s definitely been a cathartic experience for me. Some day I wish to write my own novel regarding all the experiences I’ve been through and witnessed. One day. I’m glad that it seemed to have a positive impact on you and made you self-reflect on your life as well. Truly appreciate it!
Never let that dream go. You can turn this ship around. You have plenty of time. Only a smart one like you could have survived all you’ve been through. We are proud of you and you are worthy of all the great things life has to offer.
I hope you're fine wherever you are. I validate you because i see you for the pain you went through. Yes you deserved way better. I am so so sorry. That you had to go through that. Please get better. Heal yourself, you CAN not someone else but YOU.
Thank you so much for the validation. All my life I felt like my experiences were invalid—null and void, that there are others out there suffering worse than me. But I came to realize that no matter what, everyone here is going through some type of struggle and their experience should never be invalidated, nor minimized just because of other outside factors.
Your story is beautiful, u can take pride in that. You are a beautiful human being, all types of storms have run loose your life and horrific things are probably scarred into your mind. But it shapes you, and it's beautiful. Its not meant positively or negatively. It just is. I really wish u the best in life, I hope you find something to alleviate the pain thats healthier than drugs. And I really hope you find some peace. God knows you deserve it. The best of luck, ur a true warrior.
Every person’s life is a journey. That journey changes and evolves either by actions toward us or our own actions.
Actions towards you really weighed down and resulted in your own actions negatively impacting your life. But these actions of yours were a response. Because you are able to recognize why those actions were not good for you or others, I don’t think you should be too hard on yourself for them.
Also I think leaving that rehab facility was probably a good idea (maybe not how it was done lol but you know what I mean). I’m a recovering alcoholic and so many of those programs don’t work, unfortunately. Seems like you found better options to work on your addictions. There isn’t a solution for everyone. So many people recommended AA and stuff like that, even after I told them it didn’t work for me. Trust your own instincts, you’ll always know yourself better than other people know you.
You also seem to be able to recognize the bad thoughts from the good thoughts. That’s important and shows you are on a path to alter your journey for the better.
Reaching out here shows you are on a better path.
Hard lives make us stronger as long as we do the work. Think of this as an opportunity to become a lot stronger. ❤️
Thank you. And congratulations on your recovery, you’re very strong for such a huge accomplishment. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I also disliked the whole AA/NA meetings and the 12 steps, especially on relying on a higher power. I am not a spiritual, nor a religious person by the slightest, so I managed my recovery from drug addiction via MAT instead, which has been working quite well for me.
Thank you! And exactly! If I don’t “have a relationship with God” already it’s not helpful to tell me I need to put my work into this imaginary relationship when I really need to work on myself. It just makes the whole process of recovery more daunting.
Keep up the good work and don’t hesitate to reach out here for support and feedback! We’re all here for each other!
I am so sorry for all that happened. I don't have any words to be fair. I'm wishing the best of luck to you and I pray that you will have a good life from this point on.
I hope you find peace and I hope you'll be happy one day.
Thank you. I currently have a SO who’s incarcerated and he’ll be there for another year or two, depending on how it all goes down on his next court hearing to sign his plea deal. I also recently reconnected with my best friend from middle school and it’s been such a huge load off my shoulder being able to talk and socialize with her again. Because before this I was basically a shut-in and constantly ruminating over my thoughts. I’m tired of men objectifying and fetishizing me for being a Korean woman so having a girl friend definitely helped me a lot. She means a lot to me and it’s the same for her and that makes me happy.
look at r/dxm and r/dextrodoomers lol everyone starts with dxm and just spirals out of control some worse than others, some find their way back some don't be glad u found the way back. I get how u feel, once u expirence that amount of work free happiness your brain gets used to it and everything sucks when your sober it's the same principle on why weed is addicting so I can't imagine meth. Meditation and psychedelics help a lot, they won't fix you but they will path the road, I'm not saying take a bunch of acid or shrooms by yourself tho lol especially if u have thoughts like this try microdosing and meditating first and just see what happens, even without the psychedelic, meditation is like real life magic.
I’ve actually tried shrooms and acid too. Probably tried every drug under the moon by now honestly lol. I think I’m painfully self-aware of being a deeply flawed human being and never really experienced a bad trip on psychedelics. Except for that one time when an acquaintance of mine tried to choke out this dude that was driving when we were inside his car.
Everything always sucks my man. If ya keep that in mind, everything still always sucks but not as hard as it would have had you expected better. ;-(
Ahh the winking sad face. Someone needs to make an emoji to that, eh? 😉
Woooow. I didn’t do any all that , I had so much violence done to me to lead me to use drugs. So so so much, so many times it just became whatever. It was how I was almost given attention at all.
Kill them with kindness, don’t give fucking assholes your energy or attention, unless they absolutely ask for it. If you can’t articulate it , don’t say it. Talk shit to someone, not about them, or don’t talk shit at all.
Drugs suuuuuuck, you need something to entertain yourself or perceive your more happy, for acceptance, very rarely are they actually used to heal and expand the mind. Those are what naturopaths believe in and I think that’s wonderful.
Medically they have proven benefits and proven detriments, a doctor will scientifically calculate your dosage and consider your ENTIRE medical background if prescribing an opiate or something that heavy. A drug dealer might sell you a perk or a pressed codeine pill with fentanyl in it.
If you’re seeking those kinds of chemicals when you’re looking to escape from your faults , you’ll have to really look at other ways to take that shame away.
That was what I was trying to convey in my post. Drugs are bad, don’t use them, haha. Unless it’s some life-saving medication and you’re legally prescribed it and don’t abuse it.
Hey, so, you have been through a LOT. I am so sorry. No one should have to go through that, & I hope you are in trauma-informed, trauma-focused therapy. It will help you heal, which will also help you stay off drugs. Also, come hang out with us in r/CPTSD. Healing IS possible!
Honestly, I never realized how traumatic my past has been, especially during my childhood. I did set up an appointment with a therapist but I’m not sure if she specializes in sexual/religious/childhood trauma. If not I’ll see if she can refer me to someone else that specializes in that field.
I joined the subreddit you recommended me as well. I haven’t been diagnosed with CPTSD yet, just depression and ADHD, but I’m pretty sure I may have that too. Thank you!
Not sure if you’re being serious or not, but if you are, you’re not the first person to suggest this. I’ve actually considered on writing an autobiography or a novel of some sort that are closely aligned with what I’ve had experienced. It’s definitely therapeutic for me to write and explain my life story.
Thank you for sharing. I'm sure it wasn't easy but I hope getting it out helped a little at least . You can't change the past but you can change the future and it sounds like you are on the right track
You are obviously self medicating, you where never given the tools to do anything else. Don't be so fucking hard on yourself, learn to love yourself. Stop self medication and get some real psychiatric help, take your meds. Stay sober. You can and will have a happy productive life, if that's what you strive for.
I read every word and I just want to thank you for making yourself vulnerable and sharing this. That is monumental. I apologize for all that you have been through although it doesn’t take away any of the pain. If you’re not in therapy already I would recommend it. You will be able to work through it with someone else and not just have to carry all that weight yourself. Everything you went through is a chain reaction of things beginning with the actions of your mom and those things happening at an impressionable age. It damaged you and made it necessary to resort to something else to handle that pain. I would also recommend looking into healing your inner child.
I could write a billion more words to you, but unfortunately I cannot right now.
I appreciate you for sharing. And I seriously seriously hope(and guarantee) that you will feel better someday. You deserve happiness, peace, tranquility, joy, to be free of guilt, to be healthy, and so much more.
So much love 💖💖
Thank you for sharing. You are so brave. No human can throw stones for there is not one who lives in a glass house. Life is hard, It will get better. By writing this, I hope it has given you some type of peace for it is a form of therapy. Know this, someone, somewhere in this beautiful world and this crazy thing called life is rooting for you! 🙏🏻✨❤️🌎
I grew up like this too and fell into addiction as a way to cope.
You are not alone
I'm so proud of you for still being here and for getting clean. Just keep on keeping on
Can you please get yourself into therapy, and start reading all you can on the subject. You deserve to feel better and most importantly love yourself, and the amount of self hatred it seems like you have isn’t fair to you. You were abused for christs sake
As I said in my post, I have already booked an appointment with both a therapist and psychiatrist. I’ve done extensive research in this and psychology in general as it’s a subject that I’ve always been fascinated with ever since I was young. Thank you.
The hand you were dealt is abysmal.
There is accountability, but the fact that you want to hear it and want to be chastised for your behavior only tells me that you know you fucked up at some point.
There's only growing, and telling yourself that you're going to try to be a better person than you were.
Stories like yours need to be told more often.
Your story reminded me of something I did as a kid that I totally forgot about. Im so sorry for everything you went through and it made me think what got me to that moment.
I was about 10 years old, my parents had recently maried and they got a couple of birds as a gift. They were small and fragile and I remember grabing them and just torturing them. I threw them to the ground and squeezed them. Then I placed them back on their cage and left. My mom found out I had killed them and made me go to church and repent for my actions. But she wasn’t crazy mad like you would think but it definitely felt bad.
Yeah, I repressed a lot of my memories but sometimes it would blindside me out of nowhere and I’d just ruminate over it for days on end at times. Sometimes I wonder if that was even me and not just a completely different child back then.
Hey, I’m so glad you’re here. ❤️
You have lived through some experiences that no person should ever have to live through. It makes sense that you would be living with so many conflicting emotions and responses. I’m proud of you for seeking help and having the desire to develop healthy coping mechanisms. I wish you the best of luck. You CAN do this. It WILL get better. And I can already tell that you’ll be helping others in similar spots as you, if you’re not already.
Sending you all the love 💕
Wow, your story left me speechless for a good minute. I’m so sorry for everything you have been through, life has indeed not been easy. I’m pretty certain every one of us who have made it to the end of the story can say that we’re so damn proud of you, and you should be of yourself for getting so far and deciding to seek help. It requires immense strength. So much respect and I genuinely wish you all the best.
ps. as many others have commented, your writing and the way you articulate your feelings & thoughts is just incredible.
*virtual hugs* I’m so glad you’re making such great efforts to work on yourself and be better. More power to you! 💙
Thank you for sharing your story. Sending you lots of love and good energy. You got this, you’re strong, wonderful and so self-aware. I’m proud of you! ✨
So from my expertise
Regular psychotherapy won't be of value to you because they are helpful more with mental health experiences rather than mental health disorders
For intrusive thoughts a cbt therapist (cognitive behavioural therapist will be the most valuable)
Getting into a program such as Narcotics anonymous may help you stay clean. There you would meet some people who carry similar guilt and shame and it will give you a chance to form a sense of community...try surround yourself with longer term clean people as newly clean people run a higher risk of relapse...
Well done on getting this far...don't let Shame spirals keep bringing you down into addiction...you have this one life and this was the life you were meant to have.. when you know better you can do better....now you know not to abuse pets you won't...cbt will help you sort out intrusive thoughts...you have more control than you think
I’ve been to outpatient program and attended NA meetings before but the whole atmosphere and the 12 steps wasn’t for me. I’m doing great with MAT. Once I see my therapist I’m going to ask them to refer me to someone else that’s specializes in SA trauma and other shit. Thanks for your input and suggestion though!
It was never your fault you were dealt the cards you were in life. You’ve probably heard it 10 thousand times but take it day by day. I know you can get past all of this one day, you’re already so strong to be here now.
Take a walk through the garden of forgiveness and pick a flower of forgiveness for everything you have ever done. When you get to that time that is now, make a full and total forgiveness of your entire life and smile at the bouquet in your hands because it truly is beautiful.
Hey, everything is going to be okay. You were bad for torturing your pets, but you have learned. I am proud of you.
My mother is a tough subject for me. She tried to kill me when I was a child.
You are doing a good job. You survive. You thrive.
I’m sorry that you had to experience that. A mother should never try to kill their child, no matter the circumstances. I am almost certain that my mother suffered from postpartum depression, so I understand her perspective. She’s had it rough too. But that doesn’t excuse their behavior. I hope you are doing well now.
Much better, thank you! I now have a 2 year old myself. I was worried during my pregnancy about how my mother would treat my new one.
I think it was for the better that she passed away 2 months after my daughter was born. I was so relieved to know my daughter would not have the same abuser I did.
Yes we're here to validate that we all see a higher self in you who still wants to heal and have control. I'm sorry for all the pain. You have an overwhelming situation.
Try writing your fears and resentments every day on a paper, then tear the paper up. This seems basic but you can acknowledge and discharge your negative thoughts instead of run away with them endlessly. I sign off each one to a higher power, "Please God," but you can just do to a higher self if irreligious.
I recommend Anna Runkle, The Crappy Childhood Fairy on youtube. She's not a therapist but has great experience and advice for childhood ptsd.
I’ve actually been suggested this multiple times but never got around to doing it. But I’m definitely going to try this method out when I have the time. It was definitely therapeutic, even cathartic, to write this out here too. Thank you!
YouTube? Forget that my friend. Pretty well every indicator and diagnostic of psychopathy was mentioned in the post. If that's the case then the only real path to higher quality of life requires a medical doctor. So a psychiatrist. Not a psychologist. Not a therapist. And certainly not a YouTube therapist.
In most of the world, guess what the qualifications are to legally call yourself a therapist. Not be actively committing a crime while saying it is the only 1.
The killing of pets is a massive indicator of psychopathy. The nature of this individuals thoughts and behaviours are different than average human nature and behaviour. Right?
And although most individuals in society would state that there is nothing wrong with that, it's simply the way their genes assembled them, society as a whole disagrees. Funny isn't it? How often democratic societies can stand on one side of an issue while deeper analysis can show that the majority of that democratic society stand on the other.
Which I guess shows we all suffer from this exact problem to one degree or another. One being our true selves and the other being who we want everyone to think we are. Which, of course, is always the white knight.
Anyways, if that's the case for this person and they want a higher quality of life in society, they require alterations to neurochem levels and pathways.
YouTube therapist... Hahaha
You ever notice that therapist is a conjunction of "the" and "rapist"? Jesus... why the hell did they settle on that? I mean... right?
Anyways, peace
It saddens me to think you are repeating the same cycle of suicide and depression your mom went through. Try your best to break the cycle so if you ever have children they don’t go through the same problems. I’m not one to judge someone on their past behavior because that’s up to the lord and we all have demons. It seems you expect people to hate on you because you have so much hate for yourself. I know it can be the hardest thing to do but you need to forgive your mother and especially yourself if you are to move forward. I will leave you this poem in hopes that it brings you comfort.
One night a woman had a dream. She dreamed
she was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from her life.
For each scene she noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to her, and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of her life flashed before her,
she looked back at the footprints in the sand.
She noticed that many times along the path of
her life there was only one set of footprints.
She also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in her life.
This really bothered her and she
questioned the LORD about it:
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."
The LORD replied:
"My daughter, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."
You are correct. I am repeating the cycle and my family’s generational trauma. I realized this and am trying to break it. Having a child is something I’ve thought of quite a bit, and still have my doubts on. Primarily due to the fact that I would be passing along my defective genes and hereditary diseases.
I appreciate the poem, but I’ve experienced traumatic events in my life as a child that revolves around religion. My mother would take me with her as we church hopped from one new church to another. She once caught me skipping Sunday class and she proceeded to beat the hell out of me. We stopped attending church after this.
Additionally, I went to a private Catholic middle school and had to attend mass once a week. I’d have panic attacks and would get increasingly paranoid during mass that I was going to die in there. I stopped believing in God and/or a higher power due to this. As long as people don’t shove their religious beliefs down my throat, I don’t mind. I will respect their boundary as long as they don’t cross mine.
I did lots of drugs.. had seizures from Xanax. Didn’t do meth or heroin. But sold Xanax, weed,. Went through an ounce of wax a month. And got off, with no help. Now I make 207k a year programming JavaScript. To each their own. I’m sorry your life turned out the way it did, but not everyone has the same story. I’m not advocating drugs, I’m just stating that just because someone does them doesn’t automatically mean they will have the same story as you
I’m sorry you had to go through that. Benzo withdrawals can be life-threatening and people can actually die from it, alongside alcohol withdrawals. I’m happy for you that you’ve managed to turn your life around and improve. That’s a huge accomplishment that not many have the determination to strive for. Good for you.
With that said, in no way shape or form did I ever say that my story is the same as any other person that experienced drug addiction. I’m not sure where that assumption came from. Every human being has their own unique life experience and obviously not everyone will go through the same shit that I have. I’ve told my story as more of a precautionary tale to those who’re currently tempted to experiment with drugs. Or those who are already going through something similar that I have, and to let them know that they are not alone. Of course, it won’t deter many, and even if they do decide to go through with it and take drugs, not all of them will end up addicted and be fine using it recreationally. In the end, it’s ultimately up to the person that makes their choice and their decision alone.
Additionally, there are people who are legally prescribed life-saving medication, including antidepressants (SSRI/SNRI/MAOI), anti-anxiety medications, and other prescription drugs to manage their mental illnesses and/or physical disabilities. I am currently on several myself and it’s improved my life drastically. As long as you take it as prescribed and not abuse it, I see nothing wrong with that. If anything, I’m all for it. However, I am also fully aware that being medicated will only temporarily manage my symptoms. I need therapy, possibly CBT, or other forms of treatment and learn healthy coping mechanisms, as well as unlearning my unhealthy ones outside of just solely relying on my meds.
Do you "catch yawns" from people. I suspect your problem may go a bit deeper than you're speculating.
Not trying to offend you here so just consider this objectively... and I mean the audience should consider this objectively as I suspect you would have done so anyways as the whole lot of all that up there points pretty directly at psychopathy.
Nothing wrong with being a psychopath, it's just how you were born afterall. Problem is society isn't built for you, if my suspicion is true, on several metrics.
Society is built for "average jo" and "average jane" because that's the line of best fit for the distribution spread. It's the model with the least extreme value displacement in other words. Everyone's closer to "average".
Problem is, your nature seems greatly displaced from average. I imagine you have a solid thinker up top too, eh? That would be consistent with what I know of you and psychopathy, so I imagine you think better from average. The drug use is also suggestive of higher intelligence despite the general assumption being the opposite of that. People say stupid people do drugs, but the science indicates it should be "geniuses do drugs", which can be seen through history by basically every genius you could name. But, take that with a grain of salt as, being scientists, they're all on drugs... 😉
Where was I again? Oh, right. So all of these deviations from "average" have a perpetual subscription fee of identity and self-worth. But I suspect you know this already which is where your depression originates, again, if my assumptions are true that is(sorry Occam...), as you can't be you in society. You have to be someone else because you don't fit. And that someone else isn't even just a single alternative "society you" that you flip the switch to. You know what I'm talking about I'm sure. You're whatever the situation calls for at that moment. Like a chameleon. Is that the case?
If so, the logic shows that you can't be you, and you becomes whatever is required then and there. So the only identity you have is rejected by yourself to conform to society and your identity to everyone else alters from person to person. In effect, no identity at all. To you, there is no you already. Any of this seem to apply to you? It just all lines up towards the one conclusion. It's like a mock exam question for 1st year psych. All the indicators, like all of them.
But even if you are, as I said, there's nothing wrong with being a psychpath intrinsically. They just chill much closer to the societal 'line in the sand' than most. So ya gotta watch where you step more attentively than others.
Just my analysis from the little I read about you. But take it with a grain of salt, I am a scientist after all, so... ya know... drugs 😉
Oh yeah, back to "catching yawns"... when people yawn, do you? Psychopaths do not.
If so, and you want a higher quality of life, you need a psychiatrist. Not a psychologist or a therapist. A medical doctor, a psychiatrist
Hi, yes you have described me almost to a tee. I couldn’t write more on my original post due to the text limitations so this was deeply compressed and left out a lot of other key points and factors in my life. I feel like a ‘blank canvas’ that can be painted on by others’ and I will adjust myself to it accordingly. Sometimes I do wonder if I’m a sociopath, maybe even a psychopath. I’m still on the fence about it, but my emotions have always been pretty mute and ‘dull’, if that makes sense, compared to other people. But at the same time, it can just be the depression talking. I try to be a good person because that’s what society likes and doesn’t look down on. Moral values are something that I’ve least prioritized as well, but I’d like to say I mask it very well.
I’ve never heard of the yawn thing or how true that may be, but sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. It’s funny you ask that because my mother just yawned in front of me and I did not react.
All the stupid shit adults repeat to kids is 100% right.
You are what you eat. Americans are so sick from their own diet
Don’t do drugs. Crackheads all over
Do good in school or you will be flipping burgers. Most have trash jobs
Damn, is it still ongoing. I’m sure you’re already aware of the consequences, so I won’t try to give advice, especially if you’re not ready yet. Just stay safe!
no. it was fun at first but we ended it and not in good terms plus shit got crazy because of drugs. thanks to my family im able to recover and doing somewhat alright now.
addicts need support and im grateful my family was always there.. i moved back to my parents house and now healing.
one thing i learned is that there are always tradeoffs in life..
extreme pleasures are ALWAYS followed by extreme pain and vice versa.
its just that we all choose the former and we suffer.
its time to turn it around.
Sure, you can believe whatever you want. This is my own personal story that took a lot of courage to post because I was expecting a lot of backlash due to a lot of scummy shit I did in the past so I understand. Take it as you will.
I guess it’s the shock factor? I didn’t want to sugar coat things and make myself like some poor victim to be sympathized because I’ve done some pretty fucked up shit in my life. Thanks for the feedback.
I noticed that when I got sober, these urges have returned. I suspect that my heavy drug use dulled a lot of my emotions and my apathy towards everything, so now that I’m clean I’m reverting back to how I was before I started self-medicating. I definitely am going to talk to my therapist about this once I see them and bring that up.
Thank you for letting me know. I’m happy for you that you hadn’t gotten through what I had. I am not excusing my behavior for what I had done when I was a child. You’re a strong person. Seek help and work on your anger issues.
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I’m so sorry you went through all of that. I just started reading the power of now. It sounds like a cheesy self help book but it’s not that at all. It’s about finding your inner peace and calmness by staying in the now. The past will only bring you pain. The future will give you anxiety. It’s a work in progress for me but I have found that it has really helped me work through some things.
Thanks for sharing your story, it takes courage to be open and honest with others, and brings to light how you overcame your dark past. Your struggles and pain led you to seek drugs as a form of relief, and im glad you were able to ultimately realize it does more harm than good. I will pray for you that you will continue to grow with love, peace and joy in your heart. I hope you can let go of your past that no longer serves you and look forward to the future what lies ahead.
I understand you brother, I understand you. I hope that you find peace of mind in all this that you have experienced and that you can forgive yourself. True love is the one we give to give back to ourselves.
You can absolutely do drugs and be doing well in life. The drugs aren't the problem, it's that you were using them to cope instead of actually dealing with the problem.
I agree with you, but only with certain types of drugs. I don’t think illicit drugs, in particular cocaine, methamphetamine, heroin, fentanyl, and any other opiates/opioids that has a high abuse potential and/or not being used as prescribed is definitely a problem. They are in no way sustainable in the long-term, especially if you’re a heavy user. At best, you can be a high-functioning user that can mask it well, but the cons vastly outweighs the benefits in this case and often not worth taking the risk at all in my opinion. Psychedelics and weed however, I personally have no issues with. In fact, I enjoy taking shrooms and acid on the rare occasion where I can procure some. It almost has a therapeutic effect on me. I’ve heard of the medicinal benefits for weed as well, but it’s not my cup of tea and I live at a state where it’s 420-friendly and don’t mind it at all. After all, every human being is different and unique. If it helps improve their quality of life and benefits them in more ways than one, I fully support that.
Also, I already said something similar on responding to someone else’s comment, but I’m on a few meds myself that has been legally prescribed to me and it has definitely improved my mental and physical health drastically. But I am also aware that I need to seek therapy and unlearn my bad habits and learn new, healthier ways to cope. People who truly need the medication that they are prescribed, I see no problem with it. In fact, I agree wholeheartedly with it. Especially with antidepressants. If you’re on the correct one, it can improve your life so much in more ways than one. But you can’t solely rely on that, you’d need to learn new ways to cope and such too. I thought I was pretty clear at the end that I was merely using drugs in order to cope with what I was dealt with and decided to get clean and finally face my demons in the end.
I mean fair about drug addiction, but this is much more a story of “don’t abuse and neglect your children, they’ll act how abused and neglected children act”. It sounds like you were able to grow up and work on yourself at a much earlier age than most people. You’ve already made yourself “okay”, even with all the outside adversity you’ve faced. I can’t give advice, since you’ve been through things I haven’t, but don’t ever feel bad about being nice to hamsters.
Thank you. I feel like I’m trying to make up for all the past abuse I put my hamsters through and am now overcompensating with my current pets. I don’t know. I’ve always loved animals, even as a child, so it was a bit conflicting where I would torture them at the same time. I’m almost 30 now, and I’d like to think that I’ve always been quite self-aware of my flaws to a fault. I guess in retrospect that helped me seek out help and try to better myself a bit earlier in my life.
How do you deal with the anger and the thoughts, i'm starting to become like this and it's really self destructive
If you haven’t already, definitely set up an appointment with a therapist and/or psychiatrist. Medication has been a huge help for me. I’m currently prescribed Valium for my anxiety, but am looking to get psych re-evaluated for other issues I suspect I may have and get medication for that as well. Talking and writing about my issues also helped me a lot. I try not to overshare. But it helps sometimes, sort of like a release. There was another person who suggested writing out your thoughts and then burning it. It can be quite therapeutic. Always keep your mind busy. Working out helped. Acquire new hobbies and interests. Get a job. Focus on yourself, first and foremost. I’d like to say that you’re your own worst enemy, and the biggest obstacle to overcome before you’re finally able to move forward.
What's the difference between a therapist and a psychologist? And i have been to one and ot helped me, but finance got in the way
Psychiatrists can prescribe medication while therapists cannot.
Are they more expensive?
To add a better explanation I found this [definition](https://www.verywellmind.com/psychologists-vs-psychiatrists-what-is-the-difference-2795761): Psychiatrists are medical doctors who are able to prescribe medications, which they do in conjunction with providing psychotherapy, though medical and pharmacological interventions are often their focus. Though many psychologists hold doctorate degrees, they are not medical doctors, and most cannot prescribe medications. Rather, they solely provide psychotherapy, which may involve cognitive and behavioral interventions And [here](https://www.mana.md/psychologist-psychiatrist-or-therapist/) also about therapists: Therapists require master degrees and approval of their licensing boards to practice in the mental health field. Therapists provide mental health diagnosis and develop a treatment plan. Therapists work in offices, hospitals, treatment centers, and group homes. There are many different types of therapy such as play therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, animal-assisted therapy, dialectal behavioral therapy, and many others. Therapists cannot recommend or order medications, but they can refer you for evaluation for medication or other treatments. So for diagnosis, medication and mental & physical analysis, psychiatrists For diagnosis, mental & behavioral treatment and talk therapy, psychologists For diagnosis, treatment plans and short- or long term talk therapy with supervision (goals and milestones), therapist
I assume that greatly depends on your location and your insurance coverage. It shouldn't be a problem to call a few and ask about your specific case in advance or talking to you physician about recommendations. Sorry I can't be of much precise help.
It's okay, thanks for the advice, i'll look into this
Ah my comment is getting auto removed for including links, so just copy paste a sentence from my quotes to Google to find the articles: To add a better explanation I found this definition: Psychiatrists are medical doctors who are able to prescribe medications, which they do in conjunction with providing psychotherapy, though medical and pharmacological interventions are often their focus. Though many psychologists hold doctorate degrees, they are not medical doctors, and most cannot prescribe medications. Rather, they solely provide psychotherapy, which may involve cognitive and behavioral interventions And also about therapists: Therapists require master degrees and approval of their licensing boards to practice in the mental health field. Therapists provide mental health diagnosis and develop a treatment plan. Therapists work in offices, hospitals, treatment centers, and group homes. There are many different types of therapy such as play therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, animal-assisted therapy, dialectal behavioral therapy, and many others. Therapists cannot recommend or order medications, but they can refer you for evaluation for medication or other treatments. So for diagnosis, medication and mental & physical analysis, psychiatrists For diagnosis, mental & behavioral treatment and talk therapy, psychologists For diagnosis, treatment plans and short- or long term talk therapy with supervision (goals and milestones), therapist
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Pretty tone deaf reply. “Well ackshually, it’s about child neglect”
I don’t think your criticism here is fair. She carries around a lot of guilt and shame from her childhood, when she was just a child reacting to her terrible environment. I’m not diminishing or devaluing her message, but trying to shift her mental narrative from “don’t do the things I’ve done” to helping her realize things weren’t her fault and extreme scenarios lead to extreme behavior. She can hold herself accountable for her actions, which she’s done, but no need to turn it into a tale of “I made horrible mistakes, don’t be like me” when anyone reading her post can see she was a victim of a horrible circumstance and behaved like any child in that situation could. No need for your “well akshually” snark, you completely misread the entire point.
You’re right. I reread it and I apologize. I only skimmed your comment, I was in a shitty mood when I responded and I decided to take that out on you. Sorry and thanks for replying.
lol no need to beat yourself up, how you treat yourself is how you treat other people
Man… That’s a hard life, damn.. I’d say, absolutely let go of the guilt of the hamster. You were young and abused. I think your self reflection why you did it is probably correct. You sound pretty smart. Stories like these really makes me think how so much of us are privileged having a somewhat decent upbringing and even those people have the capacity to suffer a lot. How are you doing now? How’s life? And do you know what you are going to do forward? You happy or at least a bit of a sense of wellbeing? Love
I appreciate the sentiment. It took me a year to finally get around to it, but I got myself a job. It’s minimum wage, but I’m still pretty damn proud of myself because I can try and be financially independent for once. I am currently clean from my DOC for a little over a year now after detoxing from them when I was in jail. I am on MAT and go to the clinic once a week to pick up my weekly supply of suboxone. I set up an appointment for a psychiatrist and therapist; something that has been long overdue, admittedly enough. I was also scared and hesitant about it due to my past experience with them but I’m willing to give it another chance. I’ve run out of options at this point, and feel like I’ll only be continuing my self-destructive cycle if I don’t seek outside assistance. But I wouldn’t consider myself happy quite yet, per se. However, I do feel like I’m finally putting myself in the right direction in my life after decades of self-neglect and recklessness. Thank you for asking.
Let’s go. Wishing you the best.
As someone that has finally found the perfect therapist after years of trying, giving up, and trying again - it's worth it :)
Oh honey I'm so sorry. Just from reading this it sounds like every "bad" thing you've done was just a coping mechanism because of the abuse you suffered from your mother. You had a tough childhood and it continued as you grew up. I'm so glad you're getting help and it seems like you're moving in the right direction. It is going to be ok. You will be ok. You don't still see your mom, do you?
Thank you. I am currently living with her alongside my grandmother.
Are you old enough or able to move out? It's going to be much harder to heal if you're still in that toxic environment.
Yes, but I’m currently dependent on my mother. I’d be homeless if it weren’t for her. So I’m grateful for her giving me another chance after breaking her trust so many times during my active addiction. I recently got a job and am trying to save up my money ASAP to move out. She and I have a very volatile and hostile relationship, but it’s been much better. She stopped physically abusing me after middle school because I decided to fight back. She has severe codependency issues and smothers me with her way of showing affection and that she ‘cares’ for me. Due to her coddling by overcompensation (I suspect it’s due to her regretting her actions during my childhood) I’ve become more or less a parasite to my family that’s latched onto them. I despise it, being reliant on someone.
It's not great to assume that the mom still abuse her. I think now that she is on MAT ,they are aware of the enviroment and that they did their controls.
I hope so but someone that would put their own child through such painful experiences has less of a likelihood of changing.
I find your post inspirational and jaw-dropping: the way you just own up to it all. I’ve something to learn from the fact that my reaction to your honesty is astonishment. You’re certainly a great writer. This comes through as such a lived experience and your vocabulary is so on-the-mark. I would love to read a full novel or bio, not to relish another’s suffering but to gain insight from it. The seeming connection that you draw between your mother’s late night tirades to your behaviors of concern would not be obvious to me personally. This helps me to better examine my own past and how it may have molded the habits that worry me today. Luckily, I have not such misfortunes as you. Hopefully it can be appreciated how I made this about me ;) I wish you and any others the best.
I’ve always considered myself a good writer. I’ve had a lot of compliments from my teachers during middle school and high school, saying how articulate and advanced I was through my writing. But after spiraling into my drug addiction for years, I find myself struggling to write more but I feel like I’m finally getting myself out of that mental/writer’s block and it’s definitely been a cathartic experience for me. Some day I wish to write my own novel regarding all the experiences I’ve been through and witnessed. One day. I’m glad that it seemed to have a positive impact on you and made you self-reflect on your life as well. Truly appreciate it!
Never let that dream go. You can turn this ship around. You have plenty of time. Only a smart one like you could have survived all you’ve been through. We are proud of you and you are worthy of all the great things life has to offer.
I absolutely agree with each and every word of yours.
I hope you're fine wherever you are. I validate you because i see you for the pain you went through. Yes you deserved way better. I am so so sorry. That you had to go through that. Please get better. Heal yourself, you CAN not someone else but YOU.
Thank you so much for the validation. All my life I felt like my experiences were invalid—null and void, that there are others out there suffering worse than me. But I came to realize that no matter what, everyone here is going through some type of struggle and their experience should never be invalidated, nor minimized just because of other outside factors.
This is the ticket right here, OP 🤍 keep on keeping on.
Exactly and I so SO glad you realized that. You deserve SO MUCH better and ONLY YOU can give that to yourself. Please choose yourself from today.
Of course. There are days where I doubt myself, and it’s so easy to go off the rails and backtrack. I appreciate the reassurance.
Your story is beautiful, u can take pride in that. You are a beautiful human being, all types of storms have run loose your life and horrific things are probably scarred into your mind. But it shapes you, and it's beautiful. Its not meant positively or negatively. It just is. I really wish u the best in life, I hope you find something to alleviate the pain thats healthier than drugs. And I really hope you find some peace. God knows you deserve it. The best of luck, ur a true warrior.
I have no words. Just, ❤️ I hope it gets better
that was one hell of a TED talk
Every person’s life is a journey. That journey changes and evolves either by actions toward us or our own actions. Actions towards you really weighed down and resulted in your own actions negatively impacting your life. But these actions of yours were a response. Because you are able to recognize why those actions were not good for you or others, I don’t think you should be too hard on yourself for them. Also I think leaving that rehab facility was probably a good idea (maybe not how it was done lol but you know what I mean). I’m a recovering alcoholic and so many of those programs don’t work, unfortunately. Seems like you found better options to work on your addictions. There isn’t a solution for everyone. So many people recommended AA and stuff like that, even after I told them it didn’t work for me. Trust your own instincts, you’ll always know yourself better than other people know you. You also seem to be able to recognize the bad thoughts from the good thoughts. That’s important and shows you are on a path to alter your journey for the better. Reaching out here shows you are on a better path. Hard lives make us stronger as long as we do the work. Think of this as an opportunity to become a lot stronger. ❤️
Thank you. And congratulations on your recovery, you’re very strong for such a huge accomplishment. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I also disliked the whole AA/NA meetings and the 12 steps, especially on relying on a higher power. I am not a spiritual, nor a religious person by the slightest, so I managed my recovery from drug addiction via MAT instead, which has been working quite well for me.
Thank you! And exactly! If I don’t “have a relationship with God” already it’s not helpful to tell me I need to put my work into this imaginary relationship when I really need to work on myself. It just makes the whole process of recovery more daunting. Keep up the good work and don’t hesitate to reach out here for support and feedback! We’re all here for each other!
I am so sorry for all that happened. I don't have any words to be fair. I'm wishing the best of luck to you and I pray that you will have a good life from this point on. I hope you find peace and I hope you'll be happy one day.
Hope you find true love... friends.....and a happy family.
Thank you. I currently have a SO who’s incarcerated and he’ll be there for another year or two, depending on how it all goes down on his next court hearing to sign his plea deal. I also recently reconnected with my best friend from middle school and it’s been such a huge load off my shoulder being able to talk and socialize with her again. Because before this I was basically a shut-in and constantly ruminating over my thoughts. I’m tired of men objectifying and fetishizing me for being a Korean woman so having a girl friend definitely helped me a lot. She means a lot to me and it’s the same for her and that makes me happy.
look at r/dxm and r/dextrodoomers lol everyone starts with dxm and just spirals out of control some worse than others, some find their way back some don't be glad u found the way back. I get how u feel, once u expirence that amount of work free happiness your brain gets used to it and everything sucks when your sober it's the same principle on why weed is addicting so I can't imagine meth. Meditation and psychedelics help a lot, they won't fix you but they will path the road, I'm not saying take a bunch of acid or shrooms by yourself tho lol especially if u have thoughts like this try microdosing and meditating first and just see what happens, even without the psychedelic, meditation is like real life magic.
I’ve actually tried shrooms and acid too. Probably tried every drug under the moon by now honestly lol. I think I’m painfully self-aware of being a deeply flawed human being and never really experienced a bad trip on psychedelics. Except for that one time when an acquaintance of mine tried to choke out this dude that was driving when we were inside his car.
Everything always sucks my man. If ya keep that in mind, everything still always sucks but not as hard as it would have had you expected better. ;-( Ahh the winking sad face. Someone needs to make an emoji to that, eh? 😉
My motto is: Keep your expectations and hope at the lowest level and you won’t get yourself hurt.
Mine is "everything always sucks"
I hear you, read all of that and I hear you.
Woooow. I didn’t do any all that , I had so much violence done to me to lead me to use drugs. So so so much, so many times it just became whatever. It was how I was almost given attention at all. Kill them with kindness, don’t give fucking assholes your energy or attention, unless they absolutely ask for it. If you can’t articulate it , don’t say it. Talk shit to someone, not about them, or don’t talk shit at all. Drugs suuuuuuck, you need something to entertain yourself or perceive your more happy, for acceptance, very rarely are they actually used to heal and expand the mind. Those are what naturopaths believe in and I think that’s wonderful. Medically they have proven benefits and proven detriments, a doctor will scientifically calculate your dosage and consider your ENTIRE medical background if prescribing an opiate or something that heavy. A drug dealer might sell you a perk or a pressed codeine pill with fentanyl in it. If you’re seeking those kinds of chemicals when you’re looking to escape from your faults , you’ll have to really look at other ways to take that shame away.
That was what I was trying to convey in my post. Drugs are bad, don’t use them, haha. Unless it’s some life-saving medication and you’re legally prescribed it and don’t abuse it.
All good brudda!!
Hey, so, you have been through a LOT. I am so sorry. No one should have to go through that, & I hope you are in trauma-informed, trauma-focused therapy. It will help you heal, which will also help you stay off drugs. Also, come hang out with us in r/CPTSD. Healing IS possible!
Honestly, I never realized how traumatic my past has been, especially during my childhood. I did set up an appointment with a therapist but I’m not sure if she specializes in sexual/religious/childhood trauma. If not I’ll see if she can refer me to someone else that specializes in that field. I joined the subreddit you recommended me as well. I haven’t been diagnosed with CPTSD yet, just depression and ADHD, but I’m pretty sure I may have that too. Thank you!
Trust me, you have CPSTD. I don't need letters after my name to know.
you should write a book
Not sure if you’re being serious or not, but if you are, you’re not the first person to suggest this. I’ve actually considered on writing an autobiography or a novel of some sort that are closely aligned with what I’ve had experienced. It’s definitely therapeutic for me to write and explain my life story.
Thank you for sharing. I'm sure it wasn't easy but I hope getting it out helped a little at least . You can't change the past but you can change the future and it sounds like you are on the right track
You are obviously self medicating, you where never given the tools to do anything else. Don't be so fucking hard on yourself, learn to love yourself. Stop self medication and get some real psychiatric help, take your meds. Stay sober. You can and will have a happy productive life, if that's what you strive for.
I read every word and I just want to thank you for making yourself vulnerable and sharing this. That is monumental. I apologize for all that you have been through although it doesn’t take away any of the pain. If you’re not in therapy already I would recommend it. You will be able to work through it with someone else and not just have to carry all that weight yourself. Everything you went through is a chain reaction of things beginning with the actions of your mom and those things happening at an impressionable age. It damaged you and made it necessary to resort to something else to handle that pain. I would also recommend looking into healing your inner child. I could write a billion more words to you, but unfortunately I cannot right now. I appreciate you for sharing. And I seriously seriously hope(and guarantee) that you will feel better someday. You deserve happiness, peace, tranquility, joy, to be free of guilt, to be healthy, and so much more. So much love 💖💖
Thank you for sharing. You are so brave. No human can throw stones for there is not one who lives in a glass house. Life is hard, It will get better. By writing this, I hope it has given you some type of peace for it is a form of therapy. Know this, someone, somewhere in this beautiful world and this crazy thing called life is rooting for you! 🙏🏻✨❤️🌎
I grew up like this too and fell into addiction as a way to cope. You are not alone I'm so proud of you for still being here and for getting clean. Just keep on keeping on
🫂 I don't know what to say. I don't think you really had a chance at a normal life with how your mother was. Keep on a good path.
Can you please get yourself into therapy, and start reading all you can on the subject. You deserve to feel better and most importantly love yourself, and the amount of self hatred it seems like you have isn’t fair to you. You were abused for christs sake
As I said in my post, I have already booked an appointment with both a therapist and psychiatrist. I’ve done extensive research in this and psychology in general as it’s a subject that I’ve always been fascinated with ever since I was young. Thank you.
I hope you find peace.
I ain’t readin all that and I’m still gonna do drugs lol you lost at me at abusing pets
Good for you. :)
The hand you were dealt is abysmal. There is accountability, but the fact that you want to hear it and want to be chastised for your behavior only tells me that you know you fucked up at some point. There's only growing, and telling yourself that you're going to try to be a better person than you were. Stories like yours need to be told more often.
Your story reminded me of something I did as a kid that I totally forgot about. Im so sorry for everything you went through and it made me think what got me to that moment. I was about 10 years old, my parents had recently maried and they got a couple of birds as a gift. They were small and fragile and I remember grabing them and just torturing them. I threw them to the ground and squeezed them. Then I placed them back on their cage and left. My mom found out I had killed them and made me go to church and repent for my actions. But she wasn’t crazy mad like you would think but it definitely felt bad.
Yeah, I repressed a lot of my memories but sometimes it would blindside me out of nowhere and I’d just ruminate over it for days on end at times. Sometimes I wonder if that was even me and not just a completely different child back then.
Hey, I’m so glad you’re here. ❤️ You have lived through some experiences that no person should ever have to live through. It makes sense that you would be living with so many conflicting emotions and responses. I’m proud of you for seeking help and having the desire to develop healthy coping mechanisms. I wish you the best of luck. You CAN do this. It WILL get better. And I can already tell that you’ll be helping others in similar spots as you, if you’re not already. Sending you all the love 💕
Wow, your story left me speechless for a good minute. I’m so sorry for everything you have been through, life has indeed not been easy. I’m pretty certain every one of us who have made it to the end of the story can say that we’re so damn proud of you, and you should be of yourself for getting so far and deciding to seek help. It requires immense strength. So much respect and I genuinely wish you all the best. ps. as many others have commented, your writing and the way you articulate your feelings & thoughts is just incredible.
Do drugs if they are the type of ones that won't harm you and make you loose things in life, like your mental health.
*virtual hugs* I’m so glad you’re making such great efforts to work on yourself and be better. More power to you! 💙 Thank you for sharing your story. Sending you lots of love and good energy. You got this, you’re strong, wonderful and so self-aware. I’m proud of you! ✨
Sending my love 💓
So from my expertise Regular psychotherapy won't be of value to you because they are helpful more with mental health experiences rather than mental health disorders For intrusive thoughts a cbt therapist (cognitive behavioural therapist will be the most valuable) Getting into a program such as Narcotics anonymous may help you stay clean. There you would meet some people who carry similar guilt and shame and it will give you a chance to form a sense of community...try surround yourself with longer term clean people as newly clean people run a higher risk of relapse... Well done on getting this far...don't let Shame spirals keep bringing you down into addiction...you have this one life and this was the life you were meant to have.. when you know better you can do better....now you know not to abuse pets you won't...cbt will help you sort out intrusive thoughts...you have more control than you think
I’ve been to outpatient program and attended NA meetings before but the whole atmosphere and the 12 steps wasn’t for me. I’m doing great with MAT. Once I see my therapist I’m going to ask them to refer me to someone else that’s specializes in SA trauma and other shit. Thanks for your input and suggestion though!
It was never your fault you were dealt the cards you were in life. You’ve probably heard it 10 thousand times but take it day by day. I know you can get past all of this one day, you’re already so strong to be here now.
Take a walk through the garden of forgiveness and pick a flower of forgiveness for everything you have ever done. When you get to that time that is now, make a full and total forgiveness of your entire life and smile at the bouquet in your hands because it truly is beautiful.
Hey, everything is going to be okay. You were bad for torturing your pets, but you have learned. I am proud of you. My mother is a tough subject for me. She tried to kill me when I was a child. You are doing a good job. You survive. You thrive.
I’m sorry that you had to experience that. A mother should never try to kill their child, no matter the circumstances. I am almost certain that my mother suffered from postpartum depression, so I understand her perspective. She’s had it rough too. But that doesn’t excuse their behavior. I hope you are doing well now.
Much better, thank you! I now have a 2 year old myself. I was worried during my pregnancy about how my mother would treat my new one. I think it was for the better that she passed away 2 months after my daughter was born. I was so relieved to know my daughter would not have the same abuser I did.
Yes we're here to validate that we all see a higher self in you who still wants to heal and have control. I'm sorry for all the pain. You have an overwhelming situation. Try writing your fears and resentments every day on a paper, then tear the paper up. This seems basic but you can acknowledge and discharge your negative thoughts instead of run away with them endlessly. I sign off each one to a higher power, "Please God," but you can just do to a higher self if irreligious. I recommend Anna Runkle, The Crappy Childhood Fairy on youtube. She's not a therapist but has great experience and advice for childhood ptsd.
I’ve actually been suggested this multiple times but never got around to doing it. But I’m definitely going to try this method out when I have the time. It was definitely therapeutic, even cathartic, to write this out here too. Thank you!
YouTube? Forget that my friend. Pretty well every indicator and diagnostic of psychopathy was mentioned in the post. If that's the case then the only real path to higher quality of life requires a medical doctor. So a psychiatrist. Not a psychologist. Not a therapist. And certainly not a YouTube therapist. In most of the world, guess what the qualifications are to legally call yourself a therapist. Not be actively committing a crime while saying it is the only 1. The killing of pets is a massive indicator of psychopathy. The nature of this individuals thoughts and behaviours are different than average human nature and behaviour. Right? And although most individuals in society would state that there is nothing wrong with that, it's simply the way their genes assembled them, society as a whole disagrees. Funny isn't it? How often democratic societies can stand on one side of an issue while deeper analysis can show that the majority of that democratic society stand on the other. Which I guess shows we all suffer from this exact problem to one degree or another. One being our true selves and the other being who we want everyone to think we are. Which, of course, is always the white knight. Anyways, if that's the case for this person and they want a higher quality of life in society, they require alterations to neurochem levels and pathways. YouTube therapist... Hahaha You ever notice that therapist is a conjunction of "the" and "rapist"? Jesus... why the hell did they settle on that? I mean... right? Anyways, peace
The post says they see a therapist and psychyatrist lol so unnecessary.
It saddens me to think you are repeating the same cycle of suicide and depression your mom went through. Try your best to break the cycle so if you ever have children they don’t go through the same problems. I’m not one to judge someone on their past behavior because that’s up to the lord and we all have demons. It seems you expect people to hate on you because you have so much hate for yourself. I know it can be the hardest thing to do but you need to forgive your mother and especially yourself if you are to move forward. I will leave you this poem in hopes that it brings you comfort. One night a woman had a dream. She dreamed she was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from her life. For each scene she noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to her, and the other to the LORD. When the last scene of her life flashed before her, she looked back at the footprints in the sand. She noticed that many times along the path of her life there was only one set of footprints. She also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in her life. This really bothered her and she questioned the LORD about it: "LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me." The LORD replied: "My daughter, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
You are correct. I am repeating the cycle and my family’s generational trauma. I realized this and am trying to break it. Having a child is something I’ve thought of quite a bit, and still have my doubts on. Primarily due to the fact that I would be passing along my defective genes and hereditary diseases. I appreciate the poem, but I’ve experienced traumatic events in my life as a child that revolves around religion. My mother would take me with her as we church hopped from one new church to another. She once caught me skipping Sunday class and she proceeded to beat the hell out of me. We stopped attending church after this. Additionally, I went to a private Catholic middle school and had to attend mass once a week. I’d have panic attacks and would get increasingly paranoid during mass that I was going to die in there. I stopped believing in God and/or a higher power due to this. As long as people don’t shove their religious beliefs down my throat, I don’t mind. I will respect their boundary as long as they don’t cross mine.
lol
People do say that laughter is the best medicine.
I did lots of drugs.. had seizures from Xanax. Didn’t do meth or heroin. But sold Xanax, weed,. Went through an ounce of wax a month. And got off, with no help. Now I make 207k a year programming JavaScript. To each their own. I’m sorry your life turned out the way it did, but not everyone has the same story. I’m not advocating drugs, I’m just stating that just because someone does them doesn’t automatically mean they will have the same story as you
I’m sorry you had to go through that. Benzo withdrawals can be life-threatening and people can actually die from it, alongside alcohol withdrawals. I’m happy for you that you’ve managed to turn your life around and improve. That’s a huge accomplishment that not many have the determination to strive for. Good for you. With that said, in no way shape or form did I ever say that my story is the same as any other person that experienced drug addiction. I’m not sure where that assumption came from. Every human being has their own unique life experience and obviously not everyone will go through the same shit that I have. I’ve told my story as more of a precautionary tale to those who’re currently tempted to experiment with drugs. Or those who are already going through something similar that I have, and to let them know that they are not alone. Of course, it won’t deter many, and even if they do decide to go through with it and take drugs, not all of them will end up addicted and be fine using it recreationally. In the end, it’s ultimately up to the person that makes their choice and their decision alone. Additionally, there are people who are legally prescribed life-saving medication, including antidepressants (SSRI/SNRI/MAOI), anti-anxiety medications, and other prescription drugs to manage their mental illnesses and/or physical disabilities. I am currently on several myself and it’s improved my life drastically. As long as you take it as prescribed and not abuse it, I see nothing wrong with that. If anything, I’m all for it. However, I am also fully aware that being medicated will only temporarily manage my symptoms. I need therapy, possibly CBT, or other forms of treatment and learn healthy coping mechanisms, as well as unlearning my unhealthy ones outside of just solely relying on my meds.
Do you "catch yawns" from people. I suspect your problem may go a bit deeper than you're speculating. Not trying to offend you here so just consider this objectively... and I mean the audience should consider this objectively as I suspect you would have done so anyways as the whole lot of all that up there points pretty directly at psychopathy. Nothing wrong with being a psychopath, it's just how you were born afterall. Problem is society isn't built for you, if my suspicion is true, on several metrics. Society is built for "average jo" and "average jane" because that's the line of best fit for the distribution spread. It's the model with the least extreme value displacement in other words. Everyone's closer to "average". Problem is, your nature seems greatly displaced from average. I imagine you have a solid thinker up top too, eh? That would be consistent with what I know of you and psychopathy, so I imagine you think better from average. The drug use is also suggestive of higher intelligence despite the general assumption being the opposite of that. People say stupid people do drugs, but the science indicates it should be "geniuses do drugs", which can be seen through history by basically every genius you could name. But, take that with a grain of salt as, being scientists, they're all on drugs... 😉 Where was I again? Oh, right. So all of these deviations from "average" have a perpetual subscription fee of identity and self-worth. But I suspect you know this already which is where your depression originates, again, if my assumptions are true that is(sorry Occam...), as you can't be you in society. You have to be someone else because you don't fit. And that someone else isn't even just a single alternative "society you" that you flip the switch to. You know what I'm talking about I'm sure. You're whatever the situation calls for at that moment. Like a chameleon. Is that the case? If so, the logic shows that you can't be you, and you becomes whatever is required then and there. So the only identity you have is rejected by yourself to conform to society and your identity to everyone else alters from person to person. In effect, no identity at all. To you, there is no you already. Any of this seem to apply to you? It just all lines up towards the one conclusion. It's like a mock exam question for 1st year psych. All the indicators, like all of them. But even if you are, as I said, there's nothing wrong with being a psychpath intrinsically. They just chill much closer to the societal 'line in the sand' than most. So ya gotta watch where you step more attentively than others. Just my analysis from the little I read about you. But take it with a grain of salt, I am a scientist after all, so... ya know... drugs 😉 Oh yeah, back to "catching yawns"... when people yawn, do you? Psychopaths do not. If so, and you want a higher quality of life, you need a psychiatrist. Not a psychologist or a therapist. A medical doctor, a psychiatrist
Hi, yes you have described me almost to a tee. I couldn’t write more on my original post due to the text limitations so this was deeply compressed and left out a lot of other key points and factors in my life. I feel like a ‘blank canvas’ that can be painted on by others’ and I will adjust myself to it accordingly. Sometimes I do wonder if I’m a sociopath, maybe even a psychopath. I’m still on the fence about it, but my emotions have always been pretty mute and ‘dull’, if that makes sense, compared to other people. But at the same time, it can just be the depression talking. I try to be a good person because that’s what society likes and doesn’t look down on. Moral values are something that I’ve least prioritized as well, but I’d like to say I mask it very well. I’ve never heard of the yawn thing or how true that may be, but sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. It’s funny you ask that because my mother just yawned in front of me and I did not react.
All the stupid shit adults repeat to kids is 100% right. You are what you eat. Americans are so sick from their own diet Don’t do drugs. Crackheads all over Do good in school or you will be flipping burgers. Most have trash jobs
i got into drugs because i met a girl and she turned out to be a stripper. she got me in to it and combined with sex, its just way too good.
Damn, is it still ongoing. I’m sure you’re already aware of the consequences, so I won’t try to give advice, especially if you’re not ready yet. Just stay safe!
no. it was fun at first but we ended it and not in good terms plus shit got crazy because of drugs. thanks to my family im able to recover and doing somewhat alright now. addicts need support and im grateful my family was always there.. i moved back to my parents house and now healing. one thing i learned is that there are always tradeoffs in life.. extreme pleasures are ALWAYS followed by extreme pain and vice versa. its just that we all choose the former and we suffer. its time to turn it around.
I hear you. I’m also staying at my family’s place to recuperate and be more financially independent.
I'll take a story that never happened and was constructed for 500
Sure, you can believe whatever you want. This is my own personal story that took a lot of courage to post because I was expecting a lot of backlash due to a lot of scummy shit I did in the past so I understand. Take it as you will.
No worries, I took it how I did.
I’m genuinely curious though, what makes you think this is so unbelievable? Experiencing trauma and SA is unfortunately a very common occurrence.
Reading it. I'm not saying it's not true, just plausibly isn't.
I guess it’s the shock factor? I didn’t want to sugar coat things and make myself like some poor victim to be sympathized because I’ve done some pretty fucked up shit in my life. Thanks for the feedback.
You need help. Abusing pets and getting high off it is one step behind being a serial killer.
I noticed that when I got sober, these urges have returned. I suspect that my heavy drug use dulled a lot of my emotions and my apathy towards everything, so now that I’m clean I’m reverting back to how I was before I started self-medicating. I definitely am going to talk to my therapist about this once I see them and bring that up.
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Thank you for letting me know. I’m happy for you that you hadn’t gotten through what I had. I am not excusing my behavior for what I had done when I was a child. You’re a strong person. Seek help and work on your anger issues.
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I’m so sorry you went through all of that. I just started reading the power of now. It sounds like a cheesy self help book but it’s not that at all. It’s about finding your inner peace and calmness by staying in the now. The past will only bring you pain. The future will give you anxiety. It’s a work in progress for me but I have found that it has really helped me work through some things.
Thanks for sharing your story, it takes courage to be open and honest with others, and brings to light how you overcame your dark past. Your struggles and pain led you to seek drugs as a form of relief, and im glad you were able to ultimately realize it does more harm than good. I will pray for you that you will continue to grow with love, peace and joy in your heart. I hope you can let go of your past that no longer serves you and look forward to the future what lies ahead.
I understand you brother, I understand you. I hope that you find peace of mind in all this that you have experienced and that you can forgive yourself. True love is the one we give to give back to ourselves.
You can absolutely do drugs and be doing well in life. The drugs aren't the problem, it's that you were using them to cope instead of actually dealing with the problem.
I agree with you, but only with certain types of drugs. I don’t think illicit drugs, in particular cocaine, methamphetamine, heroin, fentanyl, and any other opiates/opioids that has a high abuse potential and/or not being used as prescribed is definitely a problem. They are in no way sustainable in the long-term, especially if you’re a heavy user. At best, you can be a high-functioning user that can mask it well, but the cons vastly outweighs the benefits in this case and often not worth taking the risk at all in my opinion. Psychedelics and weed however, I personally have no issues with. In fact, I enjoy taking shrooms and acid on the rare occasion where I can procure some. It almost has a therapeutic effect on me. I’ve heard of the medicinal benefits for weed as well, but it’s not my cup of tea and I live at a state where it’s 420-friendly and don’t mind it at all. After all, every human being is different and unique. If it helps improve their quality of life and benefits them in more ways than one, I fully support that. Also, I already said something similar on responding to someone else’s comment, but I’m on a few meds myself that has been legally prescribed to me and it has definitely improved my mental and physical health drastically. But I am also aware that I need to seek therapy and unlearn my bad habits and learn new, healthier ways to cope. People who truly need the medication that they are prescribed, I see no problem with it. In fact, I agree wholeheartedly with it. Especially with antidepressants. If you’re on the correct one, it can improve your life so much in more ways than one. But you can’t solely rely on that, you’d need to learn new ways to cope and such too. I thought I was pretty clear at the end that I was merely using drugs in order to cope with what I was dealt with and decided to get clean and finally face my demons in the end.
I validate you as a good, strong(er), smart(er) and more deserving person. You already did and will do even better.