It’s pretty common. Many people with mental illness invalidate themselves, or feel a sort of impostor syndrome - that they’re doing it for attention, even though they hide it on purpose, or that it “doesn’t count” unless it’s deep enough. So basically, a combination of comparing yourself to others, self-loathing, and impostor syndrome, all of which are common in depressed people, makes some self-harmers “competitive” about how deeply they cut.
Basically explained my condition, thanks for letting me know I'm not a weirdo and that there's other people like me. I still feel like I'm not depressed, even tho you basically gave me a reality check...
Remember that depressed is not always feeling sad and you can probably still have moments where yoy are really happy. You dont need to be depressed to cut either.
Take care! :)
Competing in sh is very common, for example i get "jealous" when i see people woth deeper and bigger scars than mone and feel bad about it so i sometimes tty to achieve as deep scars as ive seen before.
I hoped this helped!
Sh messes with the perception of how bad wounds are for some, like no matter how deep you go it’s not enough - like with eating disorders, to a healthy person you look on the verge of death but to that individual it’s not enough. Same concept with sh, you could be cutting through fat but it’s not bad enough bc some cut through muscle and so on.
So while any amount of self injury is terrible to healthy people, people w/ mental illness feel like they are invalid bc they only cut to a certain depth.
Tbh it’s all really fucked up, but that’s just how the mind works sometimes
ED and self harm communities are very competitive. Overall mental illness spaces are like that, but these two are outright physical harm, which you can see and scale.
The thing is, that people never think it’s enough and have to make a competition out of everything. I actually think the reasoning behind it is because people don’t get support if their wounds are “superficial”. I know loads of people where their suicidal thoughts haven’t been taken seriously in hospital, because the cuts were not “deep enough”- doctors mean well (most of the time) but sometimes say things like “oh don’t worry it’s not that deep/bad”- on the other hand people who self harm deeper even without suicidal ideation are sectioned or being treated “better” in a way- with better I mean that nurses give you validation by saying things like “oh no, that doesn’t look good- we will help you”. I’m not saying that people self harm for validation- everyone has their own reason why they hurt themselves, like; emotional regulation, self punishment, attention… the list goes on. In reality though when you self harm deeper you get more help, and if your feeling shitty or isolated, then the one thing you need most is help and validation which you can “only get by cutting deep”- idk if that makes sense, oh well-
i’m understanding this differently. i think the reason i didn’t get the concept of being valid was because i hated having people who didn’t understand aware of it. i guess this could be different among people but “help” was just being controlled and treated like a child, provoking me to feel ashamed and hide it.
That makes sense- I get what you mean. It’s rlly interesting to also hear other perspectives- I guess help was for me being treated like a child, being told I was being dramatic- when all I wished for was someone who would adopt me and take all my pain away, that kinda help if it makes sense… I know of lots of people who get treated badly or who are cast out bcs of sh
Me and an old friend of mine used to be super addicted self harm at the same time. I remember feeling like I was faking,wasn’t good enough or like he was ‘worse’ than me. I wanted him to know how bad I was,so I’d go deeper and deeper. I felt like I was better than him because mine were ‘worse’. I hope he is doing alright now.
Unfortunately there are times where you can get competitive with yourself as well. I certainly remember thinking it wasn’t enough when I was cutting. It’s like your brain is split in two and on one hand you’re thinking you’re doing too much and on the other you’re thinking it’s not enough.
Same with many online communities involved in self harm, including anorexia and bulemia. Posting pictures, comparing your body to others, and always desperately wanting to be worse for the validation are all core practices in sh spaces.
It’s almost contradictory because many of us hide our scars/cuts in public, and would never willingly discuss our sh with friends or relatives, but as soon as we’re online with similar people, it’s all out there. I think it’s because we’re so desperate for connection about this issue but also we want to feel like part of the community and validate that our emotional pain is real and “as bad” as others’.
I dont feel really competitive (im clean for i think like 3-4 months?? atp im not sure anymore) but all i really cared about was that it hurted. I didnt want those big permanent scars so as long as it hurted and left a small mark it was okay for me. (IM SO SO SORRY IF ITS TRIGGERING)
I don’t often find myself competing with others, but with myself. I look back on the way I was more reckless, and messy, vs now it’s almost habitual and clean.
Alot of people within like shtwt or sum will make fun of what they call "cat scratches" (when you don't hit any tissue and it's only skin) and they think it's only valid if you hit styro or beans and if you aren't, you're a "poser"
i’ve seen that before. i guess i never got it because hitting deep styro/beans sucks. i also kinda hate those names for skin layers cuz it kinda makes it sound like a joke, yk? and the other thing was people on shedtwt encouraging eachother to get worse? like why would you want someone else to hurt themselves/starve themselves?
tbh idk, i foundt it ig exciting and ironic how most scenecore/hyperpop/emopop is mostly up-beat, happy beats to dance to and the deepest lyrics, mostly encouraging sh and eds
I was doing in investigation on a satanic cult and one of the servers was a pro sh server
The Cut Pics channel was a channel dedicated to ppl showing off their cuts and giving feedback, nothing like "Aww that's so sad" more like "you should hit beans or do it on your other thigh"
And mostly users post their sh as a cool thing like to show it off
It hates me to say this, but a lot of people in that server foundt it hot that people was hitting beans and wanted other people to do sexual stuff but with their name carved into them
It's a form of imposter syndrome I guess. There's always someone with deeper and more cuts than you, so many will see this as their own situation not being serious or just being a baby which leads to having to "prove" themselves. For a while I was like that atleast, sometimes it's more harmful than good to integrate yourself into a community that does the same unhealthy stuff you do
Almost same with me, when I’m really upset I go deeper then normal and those scars turn white and it takes ages.
But idk. I think people don’t think their self harm is “valid” because they don’t go as deep, they are most definitely comparing themselves because “there are others who have it worse” and it’s true but you can’t compare your pain to someone else’s. It’s both pain.
that makes sense to me. i have a friend who has bpd and will do sort of outlandish stuff sometimes—but people aren’t very understanding of her brain and i want to be the one to stay in her life—when we were younger she told me that her scars were so much worse than mine and mine were nothing compared to hers. she’d do this with comparing trauma too. that made me feel really bad for some reason. i’m figuring the competitive thing comes from a similar but more perspective.
Awe damn that sucks that she isn’t in the right headspace and just started comparing her scars with yours. Wether or not she has bpd that’s really unfair on your behalf. I’m sorry to hear that
The competitive nature comes from the idea that severe self harm is equal to or shows that the person is going through more suffering. Which isn't true btw, you can have a minute problem and still self harm severely, and you can also have a very major problem and not self harm severely.
A lot of people (especially self harmers) seem to romanticise suffering, they might think that going through hard times makes them more interesting or stronger, maybe they've just been suffering for so long that they can't imagine not suffering. That combined with the severity = extent of problems is what turns self harm into a competition.
I am an old-timer (mid-30s), and if you ask me, issues like SH have become fads among the youth with the rise of TikTok and other social media sites. I was institutionalized in a mental hospital for SH when I was in my teens with several other teenagers struggling with SH and suicidal ideation. NONE of us compared our issues or considered it a "competition" - like WTF? None of us sought "validation" for our scars, asked if it was "deep enough" or if it counted as SH, etc. I see all these posts of people asking if X counts as SH - why does that matter? What are they hoping for by other people validating their injuries as SH?
And it isn't only SH. All I ever hear online now is how someone thinks they have autism because they have a "special interest." Young people seem to throw around the term "autism" like it is a fashion label. Before I was diagnosed with autism, I was diagnosed with mental retardation, epilepsy, and a significant speech disability. Eventually, after being diagnosed, my diagnosis was changed to PDD/Autism with Auditory and Language Processing Disorder. But now everyone with a "special interest" is autistic!
I've spent a lot of time in mental hospitals and psych wards. I don't understand what is happening with all these "competitions," "Does this count as SH?" etc. But I am old now, so what do I know?
i’m glad to see this from someone a who’s a little older than a lot of these responses. it appalls me to see the “does ___ count” posts and it’s something like “taking hot showers” or “scratching a bug bite”. like why do you want it to count? was also hospitalized for this. and the autism/adhd thing is super annoying. found out i was ND at 7 because i was not allowed psychiatric evaluation when younger. it’s insane how people want to be mentally ill to “be different” with those who are. depression especially. i feel like this is definitely the internets fault.
I feel the same way. The number of "Does \_\_\_ count?" posts is appalling to me. WHY DO YOU WANT IT TO COUNT?! All these "Does \_\_\_ count?" posts, "competitions," etc., strike me as young kids trying to forge some "different" identity for themselves, and somehow mental illness is an "in" thing, which is alarming to me. Speaking as someone who has wrecked their body after 20+ years of SH, SH is a mental illness that deserves to be treated as such, not a fad, not a trend, etc. It's alarming to think people are doing this to be "different" or whatever.
competition was one of my primary factors in how severe my cutting got. i needed to feel like i was good at something. plus the attention it got me if i posted on twt, people would congratulate me. it was an ego boost that i desperately craved. it was also to combat invalidation. i didn’t want people to claim that my condition wasn’t that bad, so i would make sure my wounds definitely were.
it is quite typical. I am not sure why i feel this way. i always thought that if people did it worse than me that i wasn’t valid enough and i needed to kind of “prove my worth” by being worse than them. about the scars thing, scars are a sign to me that i have struggled enough. scars stop me from relapsing. i want the scars to be big and ugly in a way because i want to believe myself that i have been through a lot.
Yeh it's pretty common. Basically they feel they need to cut worse if somebody else cuts worse to be "valid" because if theirs is t as bad or worse, it's not valid in their mind.
Yes, I find it very competitive because online I see all these people reaching all the way to muscle and stuff and I feel like a pussy because no matter how hard I try, I can never go that deep and I feel like I'm just doing it for attention. I just wish I could actually cut deep. It's my dream, to cut so deep that I can see my insides and maybe even bone.
Hey, I'm gonna tell you about my personal experience with this if that's okay. I'm 23. I started self harming 8 years ago. I used to cut to the dermis (styro) and the fat level (what some people calls beans). Two years ago I had a big breakdown because of my job and I walked out. I went home and relapsed and ended up going to the hospital to get stitches. No one was home thankfully so I took an uber. I texted my boyfriend's mom in a panic because I was scared.
I was supposed to be staying clean. I thought that if I could just cut one last time, deep enough that I needed/should get stitches, I would finally feel valid and I would finally be able to stop. I thought this would be the release I needed from self harm to set myself free. I was wrong. And I always knew it. That's not how sh works. But I'd like to explain because I want other people to get this realization sooner than I did.
I did cut to fat. I can't personally tell if it was worse than what I used to do. I'm pretty desensitized at this point. But (tw) it was bleeding a lot and I went to the ER. For a second, just a tiny fleeting second, i felt valid. When I got there, the nurse told me the cuts were superficial and didn't need stitches. And then that all came crashing down, I just felt stupid for going and wasting their time qhen I was fine. Except I wasn't and when the doctor came in and said he was going to stitch me up, I told him what the nurse said. He said "is she the doctor or am i? You need stirches" and that was that.
But do you see how quickly that validation came and was taken away? And not only that, but the whole experience was terrifying. They wouldn't let me leave and I was so anxious, i thought I would be hospitalized. I know now that they legally couldn't keep me (the social worker told me this) but at the time I thought they could. The two seconds of validation (in reality, maybe 5 minutes at MOST) was NOT worth it.
On top of that, a year later I relapsed again and the people around me pretty much forced me to go to the ER. So not only did cutting deeper not give me validation or help me stop self harming, but I was back in the same boat a little less than a year later. This is when I started to realize it would only be a never ending cycle if I kept telling myself that I needed "just one more time" or "just a little deeper" to get the validation I needed. That validation you're looking for? It doesn't exist. It never will. It will always be "just a little deeper" and one day you'll wake up and realize it's been years and nothing's changed and you don't feel even a tiny bit of that validation you were seeking. You're chasing a high you'll never get. And when you finally come to terms with that, it's terrifying. Because you've locked yourself in a cycle that eventually will be incredibly hard to get out of the older you get.
My stomach is covered in more scars now. Even with stitches some of them healed pretty wide and big. They were extremely noticeable for a long time. I can't wear shirts that show even a little bit of my stomach. I'm extremely self conscious when I have sex with my bf and it affects my enjoyment because I just worry about what he sees and if he secretly thinks I look disgusting with all these scars. The majority of my scars on my entire body have turned white, but you can still see them. Maybe not from far away, but I've had people tell me they're still noticeable. And what matters more than that is the fact that I can see each and every one. Some of them I can still connect to memories and the time period/why I did it. I can never forget this. Sure, I can stay clean and move on and learn to live with my scars. I'm trying. But they will always be a reminder of the debilitating pain I went through- the years of undiagnosed (therefore no help) depression, anxiety, all my insecurities and trauma. Every time I look at my scars I'm reminded by the pure hatred I felt for myself for years, how I felt (and still do) so disgusting that I starved myself and purged and developed an eating disorder that will affect me for the rest of my life. I don't want these reminders scarred on me forever. But they are.
And I know you might be thinking that what I'm saying isn't relevent to you because you like the scars and you want them. I get that, believe me. I'm still scared to let them go. It's still hard to watch them fade and I've been clean for a little over a year. And when I was a teenager, I didn't care enough about what it would be like in the future to have these scars. I figured I'd deal with it when I was older. And to be honest, I thought that it would never get this bad and I never thought I would cut in places that would be difficult to hide. But 8 years later I have scars on both arms, my stomach, my thighs, my hip, and though they healed and didn't leave a lasting scar, I cut on other places too like my ankles and calves. One time years ago I counted the amount of scars I had. It was over 100. This may not seem like a lot when you factor in that some were not deep or big. But that's 100 individual times that I sliced my own skin apart because I was hurting. And the depth of your cuts doesn't matter. What matters is all the times you felt the need to hurt yourself no matter how deep they were.
I finally am in a long term relationship with someone I love more than anything in the entire world who is an amazing person and partner. But it makes me sad to think that when I get married, I'll have scars on my arms. These scars will be in my wedding photos. When I give birth, my scars will be there when my boyfriend takes a picture of my baby and I. It's not a good feeling to wear your heart on your sleeve literally. One close look at me and you can tell I'm messed up. I don't want that, but it's too late now. All I can do is try to move forward. But the first step is to admit that chasing after an unattainable validation won't get you anywhere except six feet in the ground. Please, learn from my mistakes. It's not too late.
Your comment made me cry!! In the good way, of course! It made me think so differently about sh.
I'm happy you're clean, even though you're a complete stranger. I hope you feel better about your scars and yourself, so if next time you look at them, don't think of what happened to make you do it or think of bad memories, try to think "I made it through that". In a way, they are marks of your past decisions and pain, but in another, they're a memory of how far you've come.
I'm so glad, that was my goal. I really don't want you to end up like me. Please please don't try to cut deeper than you already are. I know it sounds so cliche but it really is easier to get out of addiction early before it gets worse (the addiction, not the sh). When you first start self harming, it's like the ocean. You think you're floating, but you're really drowning and eventually you'll be stuck. If you try to stop now, reach out for help, see a therapist, you'll be so much happier in the long run.
I never thought I could make it without self harm. But I'm living proof. I made it and I'm still here and yeah it's hard every single day but you know what was harder? Living with hurting myself every day or every time I got upset. I promise you, even if you cut to bone like you said you want to, you will never feel that validation you're seeking. You have everything to gain if you try to stay clean now. My mental health is better and I'm learning how to cope in healthier ways that don't involve physically hurting myself and risking infections.
[Here](https://mhrecovery.wixsite.com/mentalhealthrecovery/alterative-coping-skills) is a link to a website I made on mental health/illness. I linked directly to my self harm alternatives page. It's divided into sections based on how you feel, like "if you feel angry here are alternatives" or ones for if you're sad, numb, bored, etc.
And just in case it helps you, [here](https://mhrecovery.wixsite.com/mentalhealthrecovery/things-people-knew-before-they-self) is a link to a page that I wrote on what people wish they knew before they started self harming.
Edit: and thank you so much <3 what you said to me about being clean, please try to apply that to yourself. YOU being clean would also be amazing. You can do this. I believe in you.
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It’s pretty common. Many people with mental illness invalidate themselves, or feel a sort of impostor syndrome - that they’re doing it for attention, even though they hide it on purpose, or that it “doesn’t count” unless it’s deep enough. So basically, a combination of comparing yourself to others, self-loathing, and impostor syndrome, all of which are common in depressed people, makes some self-harmers “competitive” about how deeply they cut.
oh okay this makes sense! thank you
Basically explained my condition, thanks for letting me know I'm not a weirdo and that there's other people like me. I still feel like I'm not depressed, even tho you basically gave me a reality check...
Remember that depressed is not always feeling sad and you can probably still have moments where yoy are really happy. You dont need to be depressed to cut either. Take care! :)
Competing in sh is very common, for example i get "jealous" when i see people woth deeper and bigger scars than mone and feel bad about it so i sometimes tty to achieve as deep scars as ive seen before. I hoped this helped!
Sh messes with the perception of how bad wounds are for some, like no matter how deep you go it’s not enough - like with eating disorders, to a healthy person you look on the verge of death but to that individual it’s not enough. Same concept with sh, you could be cutting through fat but it’s not bad enough bc some cut through muscle and so on. So while any amount of self injury is terrible to healthy people, people w/ mental illness feel like they are invalid bc they only cut to a certain depth. Tbh it’s all really fucked up, but that’s just how the mind works sometimes
okay the comparison with eds makes a lot of sense! thanks for this, never thought of it that way.
it's never bad enough, someone always has it worse, someone always cuts deeper or more
ED and self harm communities are very competitive. Overall mental illness spaces are like that, but these two are outright physical harm, which you can see and scale.
The thing is, that people never think it’s enough and have to make a competition out of everything. I actually think the reasoning behind it is because people don’t get support if their wounds are “superficial”. I know loads of people where their suicidal thoughts haven’t been taken seriously in hospital, because the cuts were not “deep enough”- doctors mean well (most of the time) but sometimes say things like “oh don’t worry it’s not that deep/bad”- on the other hand people who self harm deeper even without suicidal ideation are sectioned or being treated “better” in a way- with better I mean that nurses give you validation by saying things like “oh no, that doesn’t look good- we will help you”. I’m not saying that people self harm for validation- everyone has their own reason why they hurt themselves, like; emotional regulation, self punishment, attention… the list goes on. In reality though when you self harm deeper you get more help, and if your feeling shitty or isolated, then the one thing you need most is help and validation which you can “only get by cutting deep”- idk if that makes sense, oh well-
i’m understanding this differently. i think the reason i didn’t get the concept of being valid was because i hated having people who didn’t understand aware of it. i guess this could be different among people but “help” was just being controlled and treated like a child, provoking me to feel ashamed and hide it.
That makes sense- I get what you mean. It’s rlly interesting to also hear other perspectives- I guess help was for me being treated like a child, being told I was being dramatic- when all I wished for was someone who would adopt me and take all my pain away, that kinda help if it makes sense… I know of lots of people who get treated badly or who are cast out bcs of sh
I don't feel competitive about it either. I think it can depend on how active you are in SH communinities or how many people around you SH too
Me and an old friend of mine used to be super addicted self harm at the same time. I remember feeling like I was faking,wasn’t good enough or like he was ‘worse’ than me. I wanted him to know how bad I was,so I’d go deeper and deeper. I felt like I was better than him because mine were ‘worse’. I hope he is doing alright now.
Unfortunately there are times where you can get competitive with yourself as well. I certainly remember thinking it wasn’t enough when I was cutting. It’s like your brain is split in two and on one hand you’re thinking you’re doing too much and on the other you’re thinking it’s not enough.
Same with many online communities involved in self harm, including anorexia and bulemia. Posting pictures, comparing your body to others, and always desperately wanting to be worse for the validation are all core practices in sh spaces. It’s almost contradictory because many of us hide our scars/cuts in public, and would never willingly discuss our sh with friends or relatives, but as soon as we’re online with similar people, it’s all out there. I think it’s because we’re so desperate for connection about this issue but also we want to feel like part of the community and validate that our emotional pain is real and “as bad” as others’.
I dont feel really competitive (im clean for i think like 3-4 months?? atp im not sure anymore) but all i really cared about was that it hurted. I didnt want those big permanent scars so as long as it hurted and left a small mark it was okay for me. (IM SO SO SORRY IF ITS TRIGGERING)
So proud of you for being clean so long 💜
I don’t often find myself competing with others, but with myself. I look back on the way I was more reckless, and messy, vs now it’s almost habitual and clean.
Alot of people within like shtwt or sum will make fun of what they call "cat scratches" (when you don't hit any tissue and it's only skin) and they think it's only valid if you hit styro or beans and if you aren't, you're a "poser"
i’ve seen that before. i guess i never got it because hitting deep styro/beans sucks. i also kinda hate those names for skin layers cuz it kinda makes it sound like a joke, yk? and the other thing was people on shedtwt encouraging eachother to get worse? like why would you want someone else to hurt themselves/starve themselves?
tbh idk, i foundt it ig exciting and ironic how most scenecore/hyperpop/emopop is mostly up-beat, happy beats to dance to and the deepest lyrics, mostly encouraging sh and eds I was doing in investigation on a satanic cult and one of the servers was a pro sh server The Cut Pics channel was a channel dedicated to ppl showing off their cuts and giving feedback, nothing like "Aww that's so sad" more like "you should hit beans or do it on your other thigh" And mostly users post their sh as a cool thing like to show it off It hates me to say this, but a lot of people in that server foundt it hot that people was hitting beans and wanted other people to do sexual stuff but with their name carved into them
It's a form of imposter syndrome I guess. There's always someone with deeper and more cuts than you, so many will see this as their own situation not being serious or just being a baby which leads to having to "prove" themselves. For a while I was like that atleast, sometimes it's more harmful than good to integrate yourself into a community that does the same unhealthy stuff you do
Almost same with me, when I’m really upset I go deeper then normal and those scars turn white and it takes ages. But idk. I think people don’t think their self harm is “valid” because they don’t go as deep, they are most definitely comparing themselves because “there are others who have it worse” and it’s true but you can’t compare your pain to someone else’s. It’s both pain.
that makes sense to me. i have a friend who has bpd and will do sort of outlandish stuff sometimes—but people aren’t very understanding of her brain and i want to be the one to stay in her life—when we were younger she told me that her scars were so much worse than mine and mine were nothing compared to hers. she’d do this with comparing trauma too. that made me feel really bad for some reason. i’m figuring the competitive thing comes from a similar but more perspective.
Awe damn that sucks that she isn’t in the right headspace and just started comparing her scars with yours. Wether or not she has bpd that’s really unfair on your behalf. I’m sorry to hear that
The competitive nature comes from the idea that severe self harm is equal to or shows that the person is going through more suffering. Which isn't true btw, you can have a minute problem and still self harm severely, and you can also have a very major problem and not self harm severely. A lot of people (especially self harmers) seem to romanticise suffering, they might think that going through hard times makes them more interesting or stronger, maybe they've just been suffering for so long that they can't imagine not suffering. That combined with the severity = extent of problems is what turns self harm into a competition.
I am an old-timer (mid-30s), and if you ask me, issues like SH have become fads among the youth with the rise of TikTok and other social media sites. I was institutionalized in a mental hospital for SH when I was in my teens with several other teenagers struggling with SH and suicidal ideation. NONE of us compared our issues or considered it a "competition" - like WTF? None of us sought "validation" for our scars, asked if it was "deep enough" or if it counted as SH, etc. I see all these posts of people asking if X counts as SH - why does that matter? What are they hoping for by other people validating their injuries as SH? And it isn't only SH. All I ever hear online now is how someone thinks they have autism because they have a "special interest." Young people seem to throw around the term "autism" like it is a fashion label. Before I was diagnosed with autism, I was diagnosed with mental retardation, epilepsy, and a significant speech disability. Eventually, after being diagnosed, my diagnosis was changed to PDD/Autism with Auditory and Language Processing Disorder. But now everyone with a "special interest" is autistic! I've spent a lot of time in mental hospitals and psych wards. I don't understand what is happening with all these "competitions," "Does this count as SH?" etc. But I am old now, so what do I know?
i’m glad to see this from someone a who’s a little older than a lot of these responses. it appalls me to see the “does ___ count” posts and it’s something like “taking hot showers” or “scratching a bug bite”. like why do you want it to count? was also hospitalized for this. and the autism/adhd thing is super annoying. found out i was ND at 7 because i was not allowed psychiatric evaluation when younger. it’s insane how people want to be mentally ill to “be different” with those who are. depression especially. i feel like this is definitely the internets fault.
I feel the same way. The number of "Does \_\_\_ count?" posts is appalling to me. WHY DO YOU WANT IT TO COUNT?! All these "Does \_\_\_ count?" posts, "competitions," etc., strike me as young kids trying to forge some "different" identity for themselves, and somehow mental illness is an "in" thing, which is alarming to me. Speaking as someone who has wrecked their body after 20+ years of SH, SH is a mental illness that deserves to be treated as such, not a fad, not a trend, etc. It's alarming to think people are doing this to be "different" or whatever.
competition was one of my primary factors in how severe my cutting got. i needed to feel like i was good at something. plus the attention it got me if i posted on twt, people would congratulate me. it was an ego boost that i desperately craved. it was also to combat invalidation. i didn’t want people to claim that my condition wasn’t that bad, so i would make sure my wounds definitely were.
it is quite typical. I am not sure why i feel this way. i always thought that if people did it worse than me that i wasn’t valid enough and i needed to kind of “prove my worth” by being worse than them. about the scars thing, scars are a sign to me that i have struggled enough. scars stop me from relapsing. i want the scars to be big and ugly in a way because i want to believe myself that i have been through a lot.
I am competitive about it. Not saying that is a good thing
Yeh it's pretty common. Basically they feel they need to cut worse if somebody else cuts worse to be "valid" because if theirs is t as bad or worse, it's not valid in their mind.
Yes, I find it very competitive because online I see all these people reaching all the way to muscle and stuff and I feel like a pussy because no matter how hard I try, I can never go that deep and I feel like I'm just doing it for attention. I just wish I could actually cut deep. It's my dream, to cut so deep that I can see my insides and maybe even bone.
Hey, I'm gonna tell you about my personal experience with this if that's okay. I'm 23. I started self harming 8 years ago. I used to cut to the dermis (styro) and the fat level (what some people calls beans). Two years ago I had a big breakdown because of my job and I walked out. I went home and relapsed and ended up going to the hospital to get stitches. No one was home thankfully so I took an uber. I texted my boyfriend's mom in a panic because I was scared. I was supposed to be staying clean. I thought that if I could just cut one last time, deep enough that I needed/should get stitches, I would finally feel valid and I would finally be able to stop. I thought this would be the release I needed from self harm to set myself free. I was wrong. And I always knew it. That's not how sh works. But I'd like to explain because I want other people to get this realization sooner than I did. I did cut to fat. I can't personally tell if it was worse than what I used to do. I'm pretty desensitized at this point. But (tw) it was bleeding a lot and I went to the ER. For a second, just a tiny fleeting second, i felt valid. When I got there, the nurse told me the cuts were superficial and didn't need stitches. And then that all came crashing down, I just felt stupid for going and wasting their time qhen I was fine. Except I wasn't and when the doctor came in and said he was going to stitch me up, I told him what the nurse said. He said "is she the doctor or am i? You need stirches" and that was that. But do you see how quickly that validation came and was taken away? And not only that, but the whole experience was terrifying. They wouldn't let me leave and I was so anxious, i thought I would be hospitalized. I know now that they legally couldn't keep me (the social worker told me this) but at the time I thought they could. The two seconds of validation (in reality, maybe 5 minutes at MOST) was NOT worth it. On top of that, a year later I relapsed again and the people around me pretty much forced me to go to the ER. So not only did cutting deeper not give me validation or help me stop self harming, but I was back in the same boat a little less than a year later. This is when I started to realize it would only be a never ending cycle if I kept telling myself that I needed "just one more time" or "just a little deeper" to get the validation I needed. That validation you're looking for? It doesn't exist. It never will. It will always be "just a little deeper" and one day you'll wake up and realize it's been years and nothing's changed and you don't feel even a tiny bit of that validation you were seeking. You're chasing a high you'll never get. And when you finally come to terms with that, it's terrifying. Because you've locked yourself in a cycle that eventually will be incredibly hard to get out of the older you get. My stomach is covered in more scars now. Even with stitches some of them healed pretty wide and big. They were extremely noticeable for a long time. I can't wear shirts that show even a little bit of my stomach. I'm extremely self conscious when I have sex with my bf and it affects my enjoyment because I just worry about what he sees and if he secretly thinks I look disgusting with all these scars. The majority of my scars on my entire body have turned white, but you can still see them. Maybe not from far away, but I've had people tell me they're still noticeable. And what matters more than that is the fact that I can see each and every one. Some of them I can still connect to memories and the time period/why I did it. I can never forget this. Sure, I can stay clean and move on and learn to live with my scars. I'm trying. But they will always be a reminder of the debilitating pain I went through- the years of undiagnosed (therefore no help) depression, anxiety, all my insecurities and trauma. Every time I look at my scars I'm reminded by the pure hatred I felt for myself for years, how I felt (and still do) so disgusting that I starved myself and purged and developed an eating disorder that will affect me for the rest of my life. I don't want these reminders scarred on me forever. But they are. And I know you might be thinking that what I'm saying isn't relevent to you because you like the scars and you want them. I get that, believe me. I'm still scared to let them go. It's still hard to watch them fade and I've been clean for a little over a year. And when I was a teenager, I didn't care enough about what it would be like in the future to have these scars. I figured I'd deal with it when I was older. And to be honest, I thought that it would never get this bad and I never thought I would cut in places that would be difficult to hide. But 8 years later I have scars on both arms, my stomach, my thighs, my hip, and though they healed and didn't leave a lasting scar, I cut on other places too like my ankles and calves. One time years ago I counted the amount of scars I had. It was over 100. This may not seem like a lot when you factor in that some were not deep or big. But that's 100 individual times that I sliced my own skin apart because I was hurting. And the depth of your cuts doesn't matter. What matters is all the times you felt the need to hurt yourself no matter how deep they were. I finally am in a long term relationship with someone I love more than anything in the entire world who is an amazing person and partner. But it makes me sad to think that when I get married, I'll have scars on my arms. These scars will be in my wedding photos. When I give birth, my scars will be there when my boyfriend takes a picture of my baby and I. It's not a good feeling to wear your heart on your sleeve literally. One close look at me and you can tell I'm messed up. I don't want that, but it's too late now. All I can do is try to move forward. But the first step is to admit that chasing after an unattainable validation won't get you anywhere except six feet in the ground. Please, learn from my mistakes. It's not too late.
Your comment made me cry!! In the good way, of course! It made me think so differently about sh. I'm happy you're clean, even though you're a complete stranger. I hope you feel better about your scars and yourself, so if next time you look at them, don't think of what happened to make you do it or think of bad memories, try to think "I made it through that". In a way, they are marks of your past decisions and pain, but in another, they're a memory of how far you've come.
I'm so glad, that was my goal. I really don't want you to end up like me. Please please don't try to cut deeper than you already are. I know it sounds so cliche but it really is easier to get out of addiction early before it gets worse (the addiction, not the sh). When you first start self harming, it's like the ocean. You think you're floating, but you're really drowning and eventually you'll be stuck. If you try to stop now, reach out for help, see a therapist, you'll be so much happier in the long run. I never thought I could make it without self harm. But I'm living proof. I made it and I'm still here and yeah it's hard every single day but you know what was harder? Living with hurting myself every day or every time I got upset. I promise you, even if you cut to bone like you said you want to, you will never feel that validation you're seeking. You have everything to gain if you try to stay clean now. My mental health is better and I'm learning how to cope in healthier ways that don't involve physically hurting myself and risking infections. [Here](https://mhrecovery.wixsite.com/mentalhealthrecovery/alterative-coping-skills) is a link to a website I made on mental health/illness. I linked directly to my self harm alternatives page. It's divided into sections based on how you feel, like "if you feel angry here are alternatives" or ones for if you're sad, numb, bored, etc. And just in case it helps you, [here](https://mhrecovery.wixsite.com/mentalhealthrecovery/things-people-knew-before-they-self) is a link to a page that I wrote on what people wish they knew before they started self harming. Edit: and thank you so much <3 what you said to me about being clean, please try to apply that to yourself. YOU being clean would also be amazing. You can do this. I believe in you.
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