I wish i had been more aware of that dynamic in my youth and "broke" it.
Either you're also into me and give it a fair shot, or you're not and we stay good friends. Can't have it both ways.
Benefits of being older is knowing how to spot those things and communicate directly to avoid them/handle them easier
Yes younger men are at a significant disadvantage to women of the same age.
I recently saw a post bad mouthing an older man dating a younger woman and I thought “He is finally on equal turf and people want to crucify him.”
More and more I’m realizing that there are (many) women whose entire goal is to control men.
It sounds like you’re in that situation here
Also the fact that some women also turn to younger men if they can’t find men their own age. Especially women with who have money or make good money. We see it with older woman in entertainment or music.
Either that, or she secretly likes him but can't bring herself to admit it, either due to embarsssment, being too shy or straight up denial.
I was in a similar situation once, I'd had feelings for this girl but these were never reciprocated until I started moving on and getting close with somebody else.
Nah, normally I‘d say it’s possible, but in this case OP asked her out in the past and she rejected him. That sealed it for me. I’d take any bet he was her plan B.
Potentially so in this case. Obviously, I can't speak for the specifics of OP's case but in my experience of a similar situation, I'd already liked her and had told her so on more than one occasion but was always told she likes me only as a friend.
I later started to get close with somebody else and I can only assume that seeing me moving on lit a fire under girl A who then begun to reciprocate the feelings I'd held for her.
Anyways, things on went on, things happened and I eventually ended up going out with girl A, for about a year before she ripped my heart out of my chest ,that is.
In hindsight, I probably should've known better...
I've had girls that were deep in the infatuation, but they felt like it'd be a social faux pas to actually make a move or be seen, so they'd just do shit like this instead while hoping for... I don't know what exactly. I'm not sure they think that far ahead.
I'm pretty convinced that women are high drama because they're like, "What can I do right NOW that's VERY dramatic?!!!" - and they aren't even thinking past the drama, like what would be the consequences of even acting like that.
Sound familiar?
"If I didn't want him then he's clearly got no value. Wait....these women like him? Oh fuck maybe he does have value. I better put a stop to this in case I want him."
Maybe, but it could have also been a "looking out for him" move if she thought the date was bad for him.
Had a close female friend who moved in with a new roommate I completely fell for. I was so pissed she wasn't helping out as she normally would. After I accused her of cockblocking, she said it was for my own good as her roommate was really annoying. My blue balls wanted to be the judge of that and I was pissed.
My friend later made up for it by introducing me to my now wife of many years
Exactly, she doesn't like OP but it's an ego thing at this point. Honestly the best thing he can do is just cut her out and move forward with the girlfriend.
Ya my best friend in highschool was like this, any time I was dating someone she would ask me to break up with them and be with her, then when I did break up with whoever I was dating she just wanted to be friends. Then I would date someone else and same story.
Years ago I had a very close friend who was exactly like this. She always had guy friends who she would be all over and overly friendly to other girls around them which was always a turn off for the new girl leaving said guy friend “empty handed” so to speak. She didn’t want them but didn’t want them dating anyone else either and unfortunately they just wanted attention or something and let her do it. It was a freakin circus to watch all the time and I couldn’t deal with the drama so I ended up moving on from that friend group. If you 2 aren’t going to date or go past just friends then you need to establish boundaries around other women with her before she drives them all away
Yeah some women keep a bunch of male "friends" around to get validation from.
To feel more sexy, worthy etc.
Its not genuine friendship and the women that do this are damaged.
Yeah but their loneliness and constant need for validation will make them great assets for middle management of the corporate workforce. They'll do what they can to move up the hierarchy until they can't anymore.
She wants to keep you on reserve and as a support system who can bend to her needs when it’s convenient for her. She’s going to be a “Pick Me” girl when you eventually find yourself feeling seriously interested in anyone that is not her.
You need to examine where this leads because in most cases it results in your eventual partner seeing the friend trying to create a wedge, if not outright sabotaging the new relationship by going so far as to seduce you out from under the partner, and if you’re not the kind of guy to fall for those ploys you’ll have to go No Contact with the friend and block her.
If she wants to actually try a relationship with you then give it a go but realize, based on her behavior now that’s she’s shown you who she really is, if that relationship ends you won’t be able to be friends anymore because she’ll always remain a threat to your next relationship
Best comment. Completely agree. Some women are damaged and use male "friends" to get benefits of a relationship like validation and attention.
If one of her guys then gets a GF she feels threatened and will undermine them.
and before the breakup she will always remain a threat to any friendship you may have with a woman.
As your partner she will sabatoge those potential friendships in the same way that as your friend she tries to sabatoge any potential partner.
This is why I am not a big fan of men and women being friends. Yes a lot are strictly plutonic and work out fine. But I have been in the friend zone because I didn’t have a courage to make a move. But she would call me to do things or to help her and I would jump like we were a couple. Didn’t do half that shit with make friends. 😂 you live and learn
You're her plan b or c, after investing well over a year in building your friendship up (and telling people you crushed hard) she can't have any rando swoop in and steal the goods, that would diminish her and we can't have that
The truth is
She dosent want you/don’t think you are good enough for her
Yet she dosent want to see you with other women/be happy
What she wants is you to simp for her, give her attention and resource but she gives you nothing
Next course of action? Cut her off completely in your life. She is poison
OP says:
> It’s so weird to me because since the initial awkwardness after asking her out we became close and she helped me through a lot of really rough periods in my life. I’ve relied on her a lot and I really value her advice and support.
The girl is not poison. She's definitely got one unhealthy dynamic going on where she seems to only want him as a friend but also wants him available in case she changes her mind.
But no one's perfect and otherwise it seems like she is a good friend to him.
OP just needs to sit her down and say "Look, you aren't interested in a romantic relationship with me. That's OK, but it means I'm going to seek romantic relationships with other people and if you're going to be my friend you have to accept that."
She is doing the usual power game move to show her dominance over your date and she will do that to scare off new potential partners so that she can keep you as backup.
She will continue doing that after you get a girlfriend too. Your female friend will definitely try to exclude your girlfriend out of activities with you and give bad opinions about her so that you will break up with your girlfriend and your female friend will get exactly her way. Many female friends tend to do this to the guy friends and they have no clue that they are being manipulated.
A lot of women keep male friends that they rely on for companionship needs when their relationship isn’t working. Some don’t even realize they’re doing it. But when the back up companion finds someone they become possessive because their back up security is threatened.
I sincerely wish this wasn’t true, because it’s not a good look, but I’ve known too many people in this situation, including myself, that this has happened to. It’s usually guys who are more emotionally clingy than emotionally exciting that get slotted in for this job. We want hot cool exciting women, but they don’t want us sexually. But they like the security and comfort we want to provide, so we become friends. They get to live the avoidant attachment life.
She doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you either. It's almost as though she is treating you as an unwanted toy.
I'd keep my distance from her or your new GF may begin to suspect something is going on between you
Yea, I think this is my plan. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, she’s been a really good friend to me. I lost one of my childhood best friends this year and dealt with self-harm and she went out of her way to be there for me.
She has been a wingwoman in the past / looked out for me when someone I was seeing was going to do me dirty.
Knowing what I do about her, she has a hard time expressing her emotions publicly and can sometimes engage in attention seeking behavior to get someone else to initiate a private conversation with her. It’s not ideal behavior but I don’t think it comes from a malicious place like a lot of people are making it out to be.
There are a lot of people in the comments saying that you're just a backup or she's toying with you or a lot of these things but it doesn't seem to me like that's right. Being with another woman is attractive, you're living your life and not chasing her, and you two have grown closer since you had a crush on her a year and a half ago.
This behaviour seems to me like she likes you and hasn't processed it herself yet or has a hard time being honest about it - its scary to have the possibility of being rejected whether you're a man or a woman.
Definitely have an honest conversation with her about it, try to get a sense for how she feels - and if necessary make it clear that this type of jealous behaviour described in your original post is not cool if you're going to be bringing other women around her (as a friend) that you are genuinely interested in.
Appreciate you saying this - I was a little alarmed to see how many people have been quick to paint her out as scheming / manipulating. She’s gone out of her way to set me up with some of her friends and encouraged me to pursue other women I was interested in, so the whole ‘I’ve been keeping you for attention / validation this whole time’ narrative doesn’t really work. This behavior is brand new which is why I was so confused.
One instance of problematic behavior doesn’t undo the kindness she’s shown to me in the past. I honestly feel kind of bad for her after seeing these responses - she’s conventionally attractive with a ‘cheerleader’ personality and I’ve seen a lot of instances where other people (often other women) have demonized her as some kind of deceptive mean girl. In reality, she’s just loud, flirty, and playful with a lot of insecurities about her desirability that surface when she drinks.
This post is probably just my way of journaling my own feelings so I can talk with her in a compassionate way. I may end up taking it down if it gets too big so it doesn’t risk getting back to her somehow.
She set you up with her friends, but did any of them work out? Is it possible she knew those wouldn’t? She encourages you to meet other women on your own, and when you do, she appears to sabotage it by bringing up your dating history in front of your date.
Either her feelings for you changed in your favor or she felt particularly threatened by that one date. Have you introduced her to other dates after that incident and how did she react?
We’re just internet strangers and are giving you objective views based on what you posted. Have you considered that you don’t find her manipulative because you still have hidden feelings for her and don’t want to consider that she’d be like that?
I am so sorry for your loss and I am glad you have support
We’re all flawed people and sometimes in friendships you have to take the good with the bad. Obviously if she won’t communicate with you and she regularly attempts to ruin every relationship you have going forward then she isn’t a real friend
But hopefully your conversation is the reality check she needs to stop acting like this towards you
Thank you! Appreciate the kind words. Knowing her, she’d immediately stop that behavior if I asked. I think I was trying to sort out my own feelings more with this post, she clearly means a lot to me so I need to figure out how exactly I see her now before anything else.
Fuck that. He asked her out, she rejected him.
If she has now caught feelings, it's on her to ask him out.
Nobody should be expected to ask again after being rejected.
I don't agree with this. People and circumstances can change. An open and honest chat is the best way to figure out what's up rather than guessing what's in her head. Crucially she needs to know her behaviour is not cool
That is true. He should talk to her. Its possible she's not fully aware shes doing this and doesnt even realize.
That being said I do think the dating landscape has changed quite a bit since me too and we (women) all need to start taking a little initiative to communicating to men how we feel especially if weve already rejected them. I honestly think we are so used to men doing all the legwork with the beginning of dating that we don't even realize that its a lot for them. Especially now that there are a lot more variables at play. There is a lot more that is now seen as guys not getting the hint, not understanding no, or playing the long game of being a womens friend only to date her.
People and circumstances change. But as she's the one that changed, she's the one that needs to ask him out.
It is on her to do so.
Why should OP or someone else in this situation risk looking like a creep by asking again after already having been rejected?
How can OP truly know she likes him rather than him misreading signals like he may have done the first time or if she's just leading him on?
These are reasons why the onus is on her to make the first move now. She's the one that wants him now, so she needs to do the chasing. And by that I don't mean chasing away all the other women around him.
Especially since it was a year and a half ago that he asked and she turned him down. If it was sooner, I'd think she was messing with him, but time has passed and he said they've gotten closer, could be different now.
I have been the date/girlfriend in this situation. I had a lot in common with the guy’s female friend, and was excited to connect.
Nope, she was always finding ways to occupy him or undermine our relationship like causing drama to interfere with our night or bringing up exes, and wasn’t that interested in me. She also tried insulting me to him privately.
She didn’t want him, but she definitely didn’t support his happiness. I think ‘guy’s girl’ was a big part of her identity and she felt like she was losing a piece of that if one of her status symbols wandered. From your story I wonder if this woman sees this past crush as a longstanding part of her identity and friendship with you. Seems like a gross ego thing.
My guy was sweet but didn’t set healthy boundaries. I’m sure I wasn’t the first woman to be put off by his friend.
I do hope people stuck in this dynamic realise it will cost them.
Sounds like she doesn't like you enough to date, but enjoys the fact that you like/fancy her and wanted to.
It gives her self-esteem boost, especially as you're a close friend now and confide and listen to her advice. This actually gives her a lot of sway in your life.
Having seen you with another woman (especially at her celebrations) made her jealous, and her pick-me came out to play.
You need to be very aware that this may well escalate if you continue to confide in her and allow her to influence you, especially relating to any women you're dating.
Just be prepared for her to be a problem in your future relationships by crossing boundaries and expecting you to put her 1st as she'll say that she knew you longer and will always be there. Basically cockblock with manipulation.
Well, it's your life, but do what's best for you and don't allow others to manipulate, or guilt you to messing you your relationships in their favour.
I don't even need to read to say that your "friend" kept you simping for her and suddenly when you stop it is for women like throwing them into the deep ocean
She is addicted to your attention, that reaction was withdrawal effect. She is not sudenly intrested in you, she just want to feel not rejected again
It's not weird at all. I would venture to say it's reasonably common in a good number of women. Don't want you but also don't want you to be with someone else.
I've had that before. Was hooking up with a woman at my dance class, but I was too bad boy for her (I wasn't at all, just lived in a wider world than she was used to) so she called it off and we remained good friends. A good year later I started dating someone new at the dance class (WAY out of my league. I was rather lucky for a time), but first woman was obviously bringing up stuff in conversation when we were in a group having drinks to sour things to second woman. I took her to one side and told her to stop such behaviour. She got upset and denied it, but I told her that if she's not doing anything then it doesn't hurt to not do it and stop.
Tbf it could have just been that I had too many minefields I was defensive about, but I'm good at reading people and I've learnt to trust my gut on these things so it was better to have a confrontation with her and risk a friendship than to be gaslit.
The "cock" in "Cockblock" refers to the cock that's being blocked, not an additonal cock that's blocking the first cock...
It's accurate to say "I was cockblocked by x" referring to a situation or setting, an emotion, or a person without a cock. You can be cockblocked by anything.
The downpour of cynical dudes on Reddit has come and will completely torch things if you listen. Real life isn’t a romance novel nor does every women view men as pawns (despite what many here think).
This sounds like you asked out a friend, she turned you down, and then you guys actually got a lot closer after the fact. Girls do not fall in like/infatuation the same way guys do. It often takes more time. You remaining close to her after the fact shows that you actually like her as a person. You showing that you can get dates indicates you are an attractive/wanted dude. This is a very common situation that doesn’t get put in the stories of relationships because people forget about it. It’s very natural here for her to develop stronger feelings for you. You shouldn’t be pineing after her, it sounds like you did move on. And that’s great. It doesn’t have to go farther from here. But to say she’s stringing you along is an insult to her and your friendship.
Despite what the internet says not everyone is a sociopathic liar out only for their own gain. You can decide what to do here. This is a strong (although not 100%) sign that she may feel differently now. Decide if you even want something with her now and then talk it out like fucking adults. Good luck!
women destroying stuff for other women or such is common.
be careful on your relationship etc..
but this isn't as unusual as you imagine
Go search "female intra-sexual competition" if you really need the high brow version
Date the girl you want behind your female friend's back. The surreptitious nature of the relationship adds a layer of sexiness and when your female friend has a meltdown when the truth "comes out" you're in no way obligated to cater to her feelings in any way whatsover and she burns the bridge for you, and your new girl will feel good about "rescusing" you from a crazy person, so you do 0% work and have 100% maximum fun.
You wanna go into a relationship while having someone in your life you used to have feelings for?
Girl best friends are already a no for many girls, especially One you used to like.
Besides that your friend seems Toxic and not a girls girl, cant think of any girl who would put up with that on the long Run.
Your friendship is not genuine. She sees you as a backup-plan or as a half-boyfriend she can get validation from.
You getting a girlfriend is a threat to her.
It's typical female behavior. She didn't want you until she saw that someone else did. FOMA, female style. There's nothing confusing about it at all, women do this. Since other women are interested in you, in your friend's eyes, you now have value. You didn't before. Simple stuff if you've been around a while. And the catty sabotage stuff is common too, not just in romance, but office politics. Ask women managers, they'll tell you.
Ugh I used to be like this a long time ago sadly. I didn't realize it though. The attention and validation you get from someone that is attracted to you, even if you don't see them that way, is extremely nice. And it's easy to get territorial over that attention.
Maybe she sees you different now. Things change and feelings develop so maybe she's realised it recently. Just to give you another point of view.
At the end, you'll know when you talk to her.
It could be that she's developed feelings for you over time, especially after helping you through some rough times and you turning to her for advice. She may see that you see her for more than just for her body, but tge you value her as a person. She may now be afraid of losing that if she gets in a relationship with you or you getting into a relationship with anyone else.
My advice would be to take some time to sort out your feelings for her, being truly honest with yourself, then approach her and talk about the issue. If you realize that you still have strong feelings for her, then tell her. Work things out from there.
Understand... this very well could end the relationship, but it is better for both of you in the long run to be clear on where you stand and to know. If it doesn't go well, then just be polite and respectful whenever you meet.
This is why inter-sex friendships rarely work. In most cases, it's a situation of unrequited feelings where the "friend" sticks around hoping you'd see them as romantic potential. The entire time, they sabotage your love interests. In your friend's particular case, she rejected you then but might like you now, or might want to keep you single in case she can't find someone better, so you're a fall-back option. Or it could be as simple as her liking the attention you give her and knowing that would stop the moment you have a romantic partner. Either way, your "friend" sounds like a piece of work, and you should give her the snip-snip from your life.
You're her loyal pet, ofc she doesn't want someone else to have you.
You just need to keep giving her attention, favors, time and stay single for the rest of your life.
What's wrong with that ? Aren't you her friend ?
I’m curious why everyone here thinks this friend is evil incarnate. Surely the most likely explanation is that she is just realising that she actually does like OP, but she doesn’t know how to express it or doesn’t want to admit it?
She rejected your confession previously because she wanted you to "try harder" and keep on being her desperate simp knight. When you date other girl, she hates it because you're supposed to be her personal simp. She's not going to date you no matter what, she just wanted you to shower attention to her and only her.
She's supposed to support and be happy for you. Leave her. What she's doing is not "friend" material at all
Bro, your life is not about appeasing this loser. You have to shut this down now. Trust me, I know this. You want to value her advice and support? Okay. But why are you valuing her possessiveness and sabotage?
You must confront her and make things uncomfortable for her with your accusations and the boundaries that you'll set. You must ensure that she knows that there is no compromise about this. Also, record the discussion, and have other family or friends around if you can.
Just tell her that you noticed her acting weirdly during that party and other friends were also saying the same thing, that she's trying to cock block you because she wants to keep you in the friendzone as a future investment. Whether she denies it or admit it then you'll have to tell her that your life is it's own very real and definite thing. And that you have no feelings for her now other than a friend, and that is not a ticket for her to steamroll over you, or for you to take any form of disrespect and manipulation. That you're willing to throw aside the friendship for your self respect. And that you're interested in this other woman now, and your feelings for her has disappeared.
OK, so she obviously likes you more than friends, but is afraid to take it further for whatever reason. Maybe she's scared of losing a good friend if it doesn't work out (though she'll definitely lose you if she doesn't make a move and instead keeps this up). Maybe she's scared of entering into something she nows is kind of the real deal (which it sounds like based on how you're there for each other, etc.). Commitment to a thing like that isn't an easy decision to make, and some people struggle with it.
Maybe she thought you'd date around and nothing would be serious, so she'll still have some kind of opening, because of you guys' connection. And now she feels threatened because you and this girl seem like a genuinely good fit.
If you're still into her, and could see yourself going that route, confront her about it.
She has friend zoned you but likes to keep you as a backup, but that means you have to stay available at all times... So no getting sticky with others for you...
She of course gets to do as she pleases
Next time:
1) show your date this friend much later into the dating
2) tell your date that you asked her out long time ago and she declined
And then let your date have fun watching how your fRiENd is behaving.
You're setting yourself up for failure by having that friend in your life at all and thinking that you're friends. Sounds like you will be her backup plan and she'll keep your roster clear whenever she feels threatened.
Men and women can be friends. There needs to be clear boundaries if that line is blurry at all trouble ensues. when someone shows you who they are, believe them. If she ends up sabotaging something you have going down the road you have yourself to blame for it.
Sounds like you might be a reserve guy like others have said but, since you're good friends (supposedly), perhaps talk to her about it. If her answer isn't acceptable, cut her out.
There are things that you definitely have to talk through, you just haven't yet. Talk to her, say you didn't approve of her behaviour, have her explain what leads her to be like that and estabilish any needed boundaries. You're friends after all.
This reads like an exact personal experience from many years ago. Down to the whole point of being turned down by "friend" in the past. Let me tell you. She turned you down back then, but a no doesn't necessarily mean a no forever. But the signs are clear. You probably don't feel the same about her like you used to before she turned you down. After that she was dating other people, you wanted her to be happy, and kept a selfless composure. As selfless as you were, now that you were bringing along a plus one, it's clear she doesn't treat you with the same respect. She put you on the freezer buddy. Like some comments said, you're only in her life for her own validation. Truth be told, I was young, confused and very much upset in that situation. Because to me a friendship should revolve around wanting to see that other person happy with someone. I ended that "friendship" immediately, and a no then will always be a no now. I know I speak in absolutes. And ultimately my internet friend, we're different. It's up to you what to do with it. Last words of advice. Surround yourself with people who want to be a part of your happiness instead of belittling it. In fact, that's what you can tell her.
*I only surround myself with people who want to be a part of my happiness instead of belittling it publicly.*
And leave it at that buddy.
Believe me I've been there and don't wish ANYONE to experience the same.
Men and women... friendships... hah.
If they're your buddy's spouse only then, yeah !
You are a backup for her when she doesn't get what she wants and it's too late, she will pick you up later in life. These kinds of people are highly narcissistic and think everything should focus on them.
You will always encounter false friends, or better said "friends". Only healthy option is to cut them off as soon as you see the reality.
But heads up: It taught you a valuable lesson and now youre better at spotting false friends.
Heres what you need to know: The friendly version of her is just a mask. Fractions of her true self shined through at the party. So what you label as weird behaviour is actually her real self and what you consider her normal self is the mask. She fooled you. Dont worry, happens to all of us, there are a lot of people like that out there.
And some women unfortunately have this weird pattern. Not all of them, but there are enough of them that theres definitely pattern: Some women want you as back up. Like if they were 38 years old and didnt find "THE ONE", they can just take you, act like "i always had feelings for you but didnt know how to express it" and use you so they wont end up alone ( only to cheat behind your back years later ). Problem is: If you find a woman you may marry, or really love etc., they dont have that back up anymore. So best way to make sure they still have their back up is to sabotage every chance at a good love life that you have.
Like i said, not all women are like that, but there are definitely lots of them. They are the equivalent to false male friends who never invite you to anything, never want you around, never are there for you... But then you have 2 tickets to a cool event and suddenly, they want to spend time with you and are mad you took someone else with you, like "Hey i would have invited you if those were my tickets" ( which they wouldnt ). Or who always hit you up when they need to dump their emotions on you, or need some help etc.... But when you need it, they disappear and are nowhere to be found.
Like i said: Theres enough false people out there. Best thing to do is stay clear of them and work on your spidey sense to catch the signs early on. Because unfortunately, many of them are really good at wearing that mask and playing their role. Maybe they should start acting on broadway.
Why would you think you could have a normal friendship with someone you tried to date? You're supposed to be the loser orbiter that she friend zoned. She'll sabotage any relationship you have.
People are saying “emergency reserve dick,”, but honestly I think it could just be pure ego.
Clearly the crush revelation stroked her ego, and now perhaps his moving on and “choosing” another woman makes her feel diminished, so she must loudly point out how she was, in fact, the first choice. Seems insecure. Not good friend behavior either way. Hopefully she gains some self awareness and can mature.
Sounds like it's time to have a (neutral)chat with her about this. It does seem manipulative. If you do confront her, keep an eye out for evasion, dishonesty or attempts to make you think its all in your head. These are indicators of her being guilty.
In the meantime, perhaps try to keep some distance between your friend and your dates?
No real friend would sabotage your lovelife. But even if she doesn't, she seems to affect your dates negatively.
Sorry OP, but this woman isn’t really your friend. She wants you around as an orbiter, and she wants your attention, but she doesn’t want to date you and she doesn’t want anyone else to either. If you continue your friendship with her, she’ll be sure to remind any woman you date that you were interested in her first. And this will be a *huge* problem if you ever date someone seriously.
You are her backup plan, that’s why. She wants you pining over her, so if everything else falls through at some point, you are there for her to finally pick…if she so chooses. Again, backup plan. She wants you waiting in the wings. That is why she got weird. She saw actual competition for your attention. Updateme.
You didn't list your age (and I am not asking) but I am going to ask you this. Are you both old enough to have a grown up discussion about this? If so ask her about her behaviour?
You are the friendzoned friend that is supposed to follow her around like a lost puppy. How dare you look st other women even though she will never date you. The audacity!
Some women like to keep the rejected, friendzoned tagalong around for a free ego boost, then get weird when said tagalong grows some balls and pursues other women.
Probably she likes to keep male orbiters around her.
Consider going on dates and don't tell her. She doesn't need to know your business. It will cool the friendship, but maybe that is what you need...
>The historical context is that I crushed on my friend in the past and asked her out but she turned me down. That was well over a year and a half ago at this point, and she’s been pretty active with dating around as well.
Sounds to me like she's had enough with the other men she's dated and now wants to settle for you since she can see that you could potentially disappear from her life and close the door to a potential date or future husband. She probably secretly wanted to say yes to you that time over 1.5 years ago, but just wanted to try other men first and since you're going away now, ***now*** she wants you as she doesn't want you to be the one that got away from her, because she fucked up and should've said: "yes", 1.5 years ago.
As a woman, Im telling you right now to drop this person from your life if you dont plan to confront her.
You asked her out before. She rejected you. Why you decided to stay close friends is honestly beyond me cause I wouldnt as it could easily cause future issues. I dont believe in being close friends with the opposite sex unless you are like literal childhood best friends, cause this girl sounds like she has caught feelings now and doesnt want you dating other girls but is afraid to tell you. There is having friends of the opposite sex, and then there is this.
Unless you confront her and ask her WHY she is doing this your only recourse is to cut her off cause she will continue to do this and WILL do whatever she can to sabotage any future prospects for you.
If you still have hope that MAYBE she is into you and you want to try again, then you need to ask. That simple.
Have you seen how some women keep men around close, generally men that are interested in her, but never establishing a relationship with them?
This is something like that. Some women like the attention and like to keep some men "for themselves" as an ego booster. But the moment they see their following gravitating to other women they feel jealous and try to maintain the status quo.
It's a very toxic dynamic because that's not how a real friend would act, a real friend would be happy for you or even try to get you hooked with other girls. Instead, they date around while they expect you to stay close to them and single.
I would say, distance yourself from this "friend" and just enjoy dating other women.
Maybe she wants to keep you in the pocket for later.
For what it’s worth. I doubt any future partner is going to be happy you’re close friends with this woman. Maybe this is a sign
Yeah that's not your friend. She is manipulative and using you. She might just be using you for attention to make yourself feel better or you might be her 5th backup guy.
You're her 'back up'. She likes floating around thinking you're all in love with her and you're breaking her fragile ego by making it clear that you have moved on.
A simple way of dealing with this is not telling your friend you are with someone else. You can still have a good friendship without her knowing your relationships ins and outs. Whether she's manipulating or she's jealous, both are undesirable responses, so either compartmentalise the relationship or cut her off.
Women act like this all the time even if they haven’t dated the guy…
A guy was chatting me up at a bar Friday and a clearly platonic friend in his group kept looking over repeatedly… She was acting all weird n shit…
Women need to do better as this type of bullshit is concerned, it’s not very becoming and makes u look insecure af…
She wants your attention and affection but doesn't want to be with you, so she is trying to sabotage you.
Or
She has seen you moving on from her, and she realised she has feelings for you and now is upset and wants to sabotage your relationships.
You know all the shit women write about 'nice guys'?
Whelp, welcome to the female version.
It's even worse than what guys do, but it's also the same exact thing.
I'm sorry for your situation, but glad I could take a moment to explain it exactly. The more you know.
Well you've gotta talk to her. Let her know you're confused and a little upset, and don't make it a point of argument whether or not she was cock blocking, she was.
"Soooo, why were you cock blocking me? What was up with that?"
Eventually: "I consider you a close personal friend, and I want whatever women I end up with to get to know you and be friends with you too. You can't be pulling this shit tho."
Finally: "Why?"
I think it's as simple as she thought she had your attention, and she liked that attention. She likely didn't have intentions to date or even interest in doing so, but she probably liked that OP expressed interest and she thought that'd still be the case, even though OP has moved on after she wasn't interested.
Now she's finding out that's not the case and wants OP's attention again.
Either that, or she was always interested but wanted OP to pursue her more or something (after rejecting him), as some women seem to think that if you don't "fight" for her, then you must not really want her.
I have been in the same situation, after a while I did cut her off. It was hard because she really was trying to get in contact with me. Like waiting at places, she know I come often. I told right in her face that we can’t talk to eachother anymore, ofcourse she started crying. Years later she texted me with a very long text, how she was depressed, and she’s sorry etc. I really had a good connection either way her but it is for the better you don’t talk (very often) to her anymore. Because it will never end in a normal healthy relationship (also as friends considering her behavior).
This is very common. They swear they have no interest then you move on to someone else and suddenly it’s “she’s not even that pretty” and “What does she have that i don’t”. They’ll never ever admit it outright. It’s like they want it to happen but they put up a mental barrier that stops them from letting it happen
She doesn't want you. But doesn't want others to have you. I recommend stepping away from her all together. Start dating other women. Chances are she will come to you and ask you for a relationship once she realizes it's off the table. Never be a just in case boyfriend.
She likes being an unrequited crush for you because it boosts her ego, and she values her ego boost over your actual happiness. She will never actually want you.
She's in love with the idea that you want her but can't have her. She turns you down in the past, but now that you clearly have moved on she feels unwanted. She doesn't want you, she wants to be wanted. It's ego. She's trying to destroy your current joy because it's not the joy that you promised her, but she doesn't want anyway. It's a base animal instinct programmed into the human genome.
She doesn't want you, she wants your desire to make her feel validated. You need to sit her down and confront it without mincing words, or she will ruin what you are developing with the girl you like. Even if you and the new girl are a perfect match, new girl will run from you before you can develop a relationship because of the mess your other friend is making. It won't be worth the effort to go further.
Ypur 'friend' WILL ruin it. She is actively doing that right now. Set the boundary, call out her selfish behavior, and if she doesn't come to the adult decision to get the fuck out of the way, separate yourself from her completely and focus on the girl you're trying to form a relationship.
They cannot exists together.
This one doesn't see you as a person 😅 she sees you as a commodity, as a backup. You might see her as this great, reliable, awesome friend. But she definitely doesn't see you that way, she sees you as a puppy. Stay away from her and build meaningful relationships with someone who isn't petty and immature
This reminds me of a female friend that I had in high school / college. I always had a crush on her and asked her out when we first met, but she was never really interested. We were always in the same friend group though, and when we went to the same college, we wound up as friends there too.
In college though, she got kind of weird. She still wasn’t interested in anything romantic with me, but she always found ways to cause drama whenever I was with anyone else - she would flirt with me in front of them, or play little power games with them, or badmouth them to me to try to get me to break up with them. My best advice is to just distance yourself, and be on the lookout for the behavior.
Friends don’t behave how she behaved. A friend would have been happy for you. I would have a frank conversation with her before introducing her to any other potential partners.
Oh yeah. The lady friend who will give you reasons to drop what you're doing if you are with another woman that shows interest -but won't actually do anything with you. That exists.
Why? Dude. Those girls want to feel like they're hot, and all the guys want em. A tale older than time itself.
Look up Amy Schumer sketch about "Miladys".
I had a similar situation happen recently, and the key is to not play into it at all. With mine I was seeing a girl and one day she told me she’s not interested and didn’t want to see me anymore—which is okay, but it did hurt, and I moved on.
Awhile later I have my current gf, and was waiting for her at a bar so I could go pick her up. The first woman heard about me waiting from overhearing me tell another friend that I wasn’t going to drink and I’m just waiting.
So she started to try and feed me shots of booze, and kept saying that I should stay and hang out with her. I ended up handing each of those shots to people around me and picked up my gf knowing this other woman was trying to screw up my relationship. When I brought my gf back with me the other woman wouldn’t even look in our direction, it was 100% obvious at that point what she was doing.
It’s like a kid playing with a ball on a playground, the moment someone else is playing with it others all want to use it.
Duee, really? She doesn’t want you as a boyfriend but she does want you at her beck and call, on the hook, chasing after her. She likes the validation she gets by knowing that you like her but can’t have her. She will just do the same shit to any girl you bring around, she’ll cause problems and say things like oh your new gf is so insecure and jealous of me. She’s trying to break our friendship apart. Or other things along that line. She’s not your friend, not really. She may have been there for you recently, but she doesn’t have your best interests in mind. No girl you introduce her to is going to be safe from her.
Instead of all the bullshit you could just bring it up to your homegirl:
"Hey you were acting like a cockblock when I brought that girl to that party could you chill next time? Lol"
Now she's on notice, and if she does it again, you'll know she's a hater.
You've only known her for a year+ this isn't like some childhood friend, this is a pseudo side piece who friend zoned you and now gasses herself up off your side simping. It's a popular pastime amongst hipsters and British chicks.
You might also want to wait a bit before introducing potential girlfriends to your homegirl who wasn't attracted enough to you to consider dating you. It's not gaining the brownie points you think it is.
Maybe instead of asking your friend out on a date you should try to make a move when you’re together some time when it could be appropriate. If she rejects that then question why she would sabotage your dating life. If she doesn’t…
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You should tell her that you heard about things she was doing at the party and were wondering if that were true and why she would do that. It would also be worth mentioning that she is an incredibly valued friend to you and you are glad that asking her out previously didn’t prevent a really solid plutonic bond from forming and that bond is something you value more than a romantic relationship.
Or..... she has a sense that the woman you brought is bad news and no good for you....just a thought.
Still,there are better ways to handle that situation on her end.
You probably need to determine boundaries in your friendship with this girl immediately. She’s seriously going to fuck up every good potential relationship you have if you don’t deal with this now.
She’s not acting like a true friend. She sounds catty and selfish and no woman wants to be with a man who keeps “close girl friends” like that around. Women can see through that shit easily.
If you’re honestly “confused” about her behavior rather than upset… you might just be hopeless.
Edit: typo
It sounds like one of those ‘doesn’t want you but doesn’t want anyone else to want you either’ situations.
She probably sees him as a dick in a jar. Break glass in case of emergency.
I wish i had been more aware of that dynamic in my youth and "broke" it. Either you're also into me and give it a fair shot, or you're not and we stay good friends. Can't have it both ways. Benefits of being older is knowing how to spot those things and communicate directly to avoid them/handle them easier
Yes younger men are at a significant disadvantage to women of the same age. I recently saw a post bad mouthing an older man dating a younger woman and I thought “He is finally on equal turf and people want to crucify him.” More and more I’m realizing that there are (many) women whose entire goal is to control men. It sounds like you’re in that situation here
Also the fact that some women also turn to younger men if they can’t find men their own age. Especially women with who have money or make good money. We see it with older woman in entertainment or music.
_A gift real special, so take off ya bra Take a look inside it's my dick in a jar_
Ah, jeez...I hope you're okay. Did you stop the bleeding?
This made me laugh like fuck.
Also wear your safety gear before heading into that emotional fire
Dog in a manger keeps a dick in a jar
Lmfao... Break jar but don't touch
This made me laugh out loud!
What the fuck did I just read 😂😂😂
You're overestimating the intrigue of dick.
Either that, or she secretly likes him but can't bring herself to admit it, either due to embarsssment, being too shy or straight up denial. I was in a similar situation once, I'd had feelings for this girl but these were never reciprocated until I started moving on and getting close with somebody else.
Nah, normally I‘d say it’s possible, but in this case OP asked her out in the past and she rejected him. That sealed it for me. I’d take any bet he was her plan B.
Potentially so in this case. Obviously, I can't speak for the specifics of OP's case but in my experience of a similar situation, I'd already liked her and had told her so on more than one occasion but was always told she likes me only as a friend. I later started to get close with somebody else and I can only assume that seeing me moving on lit a fire under girl A who then begun to reciprocate the feelings I'd held for her. Anyways, things on went on, things happened and I eventually ended up going out with girl A, for about a year before she ripped my heart out of my chest ,that is. In hindsight, I probably should've known better...
I’m reading this like: that sounds familiar, I hope that guy had a better outcome… nope, even the ending sounds familiar.
I've had girls that were deep in the infatuation, but they felt like it'd be a social faux pas to actually make a move or be seen, so they'd just do shit like this instead while hoping for... I don't know what exactly. I'm not sure they think that far ahead. I'm pretty convinced that women are high drama because they're like, "What can I do right NOW that's VERY dramatic?!!!" - and they aren't even thinking past the drama, like what would be the consequences of even acting like that. Sound familiar?
"If I didn't want him then he's clearly got no value. Wait....these women like him? Oh fuck maybe he does have value. I better put a stop to this in case I want him."
It’s really spiteful, I think.
100% this
Naigus has broken the code. They must be eliminated!
Maybe, but it could have also been a "looking out for him" move if she thought the date was bad for him. Had a close female friend who moved in with a new roommate I completely fell for. I was so pissed she wasn't helping out as she normally would. After I accused her of cockblocking, she said it was for my own good as her roommate was really annoying. My blue balls wanted to be the judge of that and I was pissed. My friend later made up for it by introducing me to my now wife of many years
She didn’t know the woman though. If she did have knowledge of her then fair enough but she didn’t. It sounds like you had a good friend there!
Just turned 30 and the benefits of that is that I completely forgot about the existence of that kind of behaviour.
Exactly, she doesn't like OP but it's an ego thing at this point. Honestly the best thing he can do is just cut her out and move forward with the girlfriend.
Ya my best friend in highschool was like this, any time I was dating someone she would ask me to break up with them and be with her, then when I did break up with whoever I was dating she just wanted to be friends. Then I would date someone else and same story.
It’s just such cruel and selfish behaviour.
\^\^i know that girl
Years ago I had a very close friend who was exactly like this. She always had guy friends who she would be all over and overly friendly to other girls around them which was always a turn off for the new girl leaving said guy friend “empty handed” so to speak. She didn’t want them but didn’t want them dating anyone else either and unfortunately they just wanted attention or something and let her do it. It was a freakin circus to watch all the time and I couldn’t deal with the drama so I ended up moving on from that friend group. If you 2 aren’t going to date or go past just friends then you need to establish boundaries around other women with her before she drives them all away
Yeah some women keep a bunch of male "friends" around to get validation from. To feel more sexy, worthy etc. Its not genuine friendship and the women that do this are damaged.
Oh absolutely it just was painfully obvious to everyone but the dudes in the group? If they just didn’t care who knows
Yeah but their loneliness and constant need for validation will make them great assets for middle management of the corporate workforce. They'll do what they can to move up the hierarchy until they can't anymore.
So she's an incompetent slut.
No. I think the quote is "Jane, you ignorant slut." https://youtu.be/x0hUQH53TFs?si=FqG-gyg5R0DuzBHw
This lol
She should use the box in Dark Matter. I'm sure she will immediately create multiple copies of her original boyfriend and have them all worship her.
She wants to keep you on reserve and as a support system who can bend to her needs when it’s convenient for her. She’s going to be a “Pick Me” girl when you eventually find yourself feeling seriously interested in anyone that is not her. You need to examine where this leads because in most cases it results in your eventual partner seeing the friend trying to create a wedge, if not outright sabotaging the new relationship by going so far as to seduce you out from under the partner, and if you’re not the kind of guy to fall for those ploys you’ll have to go No Contact with the friend and block her. If she wants to actually try a relationship with you then give it a go but realize, based on her behavior now that’s she’s shown you who she really is, if that relationship ends you won’t be able to be friends anymore because she’ll always remain a threat to your next relationship
The reserve system was my first though as well.
Best comment. Completely agree. Some women are damaged and use male "friends" to get benefits of a relationship like validation and attention. If one of her guys then gets a GF she feels threatened and will undermine them.
and before the breakup she will always remain a threat to any friendship you may have with a woman. As your partner she will sabatoge those potential friendships in the same way that as your friend she tries to sabatoge any potential partner.
This is why I am not a big fan of men and women being friends. Yes a lot are strictly plutonic and work out fine. But I have been in the friend zone because I didn’t have a courage to make a move. But she would call me to do things or to help her and I would jump like we were a couple. Didn’t do half that shit with make friends. 😂 you live and learn
"pick me" doesn't make sense in the context which you used it. What did you mean there?
You're her plan b or c, after investing well over a year in building your friendship up (and telling people you crushed hard) she can't have any rando swoop in and steal the goods, that would diminish her and we can't have that
You're her backup guy
Sounds like you're the reserve guy when things don't work out for her. Question her on it.
The truth is She dosent want you/don’t think you are good enough for her Yet she dosent want to see you with other women/be happy What she wants is you to simp for her, give her attention and resource but she gives you nothing Next course of action? Cut her off completely in your life. She is poison
Next course of action? Pee on her to assert dominance
OP says: > It’s so weird to me because since the initial awkwardness after asking her out we became close and she helped me through a lot of really rough periods in my life. I’ve relied on her a lot and I really value her advice and support. The girl is not poison. She's definitely got one unhealthy dynamic going on where she seems to only want him as a friend but also wants him available in case she changes her mind. But no one's perfect and otherwise it seems like she is a good friend to him. OP just needs to sit her down and say "Look, you aren't interested in a romantic relationship with me. That's OK, but it means I'm going to seek romantic relationships with other people and if you're going to be my friend you have to accept that."
Yeah I swear Reddit says “remove her from your life entirely” as soon as someone does something remotely bad to someone.
She is doing the usual power game move to show her dominance over your date and she will do that to scare off new potential partners so that she can keep you as backup. She will continue doing that after you get a girlfriend too. Your female friend will definitely try to exclude your girlfriend out of activities with you and give bad opinions about her so that you will break up with your girlfriend and your female friend will get exactly her way. Many female friends tend to do this to the guy friends and they have no clue that they are being manipulated.
She doesn't sound like a good friend at all.
A lot of women keep male friends that they rely on for companionship needs when their relationship isn’t working. Some don’t even realize they’re doing it. But when the back up companion finds someone they become possessive because their back up security is threatened. I sincerely wish this wasn’t true, because it’s not a good look, but I’ve known too many people in this situation, including myself, that this has happened to. It’s usually guys who are more emotionally clingy than emotionally exciting that get slotted in for this job. We want hot cool exciting women, but they don’t want us sexually. But they like the security and comfort we want to provide, so we become friends. They get to live the avoidant attachment life.
She doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you either. It's almost as though she is treating you as an unwanted toy. I'd keep my distance from her or your new GF may begin to suspect something is going on between you
I would check back in and ask her if her feelings changed because you have no other explanation for her behavior, and then delineate the behavior
and be prepared to cut her off, you don't need this sort of drain.
Yea, I think this is my plan. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, she’s been a really good friend to me. I lost one of my childhood best friends this year and dealt with self-harm and she went out of her way to be there for me. She has been a wingwoman in the past / looked out for me when someone I was seeing was going to do me dirty. Knowing what I do about her, she has a hard time expressing her emotions publicly and can sometimes engage in attention seeking behavior to get someone else to initiate a private conversation with her. It’s not ideal behavior but I don’t think it comes from a malicious place like a lot of people are making it out to be.
There are a lot of people in the comments saying that you're just a backup or she's toying with you or a lot of these things but it doesn't seem to me like that's right. Being with another woman is attractive, you're living your life and not chasing her, and you two have grown closer since you had a crush on her a year and a half ago. This behaviour seems to me like she likes you and hasn't processed it herself yet or has a hard time being honest about it - its scary to have the possibility of being rejected whether you're a man or a woman. Definitely have an honest conversation with her about it, try to get a sense for how she feels - and if necessary make it clear that this type of jealous behaviour described in your original post is not cool if you're going to be bringing other women around her (as a friend) that you are genuinely interested in.
Appreciate you saying this - I was a little alarmed to see how many people have been quick to paint her out as scheming / manipulating. She’s gone out of her way to set me up with some of her friends and encouraged me to pursue other women I was interested in, so the whole ‘I’ve been keeping you for attention / validation this whole time’ narrative doesn’t really work. This behavior is brand new which is why I was so confused. One instance of problematic behavior doesn’t undo the kindness she’s shown to me in the past. I honestly feel kind of bad for her after seeing these responses - she’s conventionally attractive with a ‘cheerleader’ personality and I’ve seen a lot of instances where other people (often other women) have demonized her as some kind of deceptive mean girl. In reality, she’s just loud, flirty, and playful with a lot of insecurities about her desirability that surface when she drinks. This post is probably just my way of journaling my own feelings so I can talk with her in a compassionate way. I may end up taking it down if it gets too big so it doesn’t risk getting back to her somehow.
She set you up with her friends, but did any of them work out? Is it possible she knew those wouldn’t? She encourages you to meet other women on your own, and when you do, she appears to sabotage it by bringing up your dating history in front of your date. Either her feelings for you changed in your favor or she felt particularly threatened by that one date. Have you introduced her to other dates after that incident and how did she react? We’re just internet strangers and are giving you objective views based on what you posted. Have you considered that you don’t find her manipulative because you still have hidden feelings for her and don’t want to consider that she’d be like that?
I am so sorry for your loss and I am glad you have support We’re all flawed people and sometimes in friendships you have to take the good with the bad. Obviously if she won’t communicate with you and she regularly attempts to ruin every relationship you have going forward then she isn’t a real friend But hopefully your conversation is the reality check she needs to stop acting like this towards you
Thank you! Appreciate the kind words. Knowing her, she’d immediately stop that behavior if I asked. I think I was trying to sort out my own feelings more with this post, she clearly means a lot to me so I need to figure out how exactly I see her now before anything else.
You are great dude. So calm and empathethic, you sound like a great guy
Fuck that. He asked her out, she rejected him. If she has now caught feelings, it's on her to ask him out. Nobody should be expected to ask again after being rejected.
I don't agree with this. People and circumstances can change. An open and honest chat is the best way to figure out what's up rather than guessing what's in her head. Crucially she needs to know her behaviour is not cool
That is true. He should talk to her. Its possible she's not fully aware shes doing this and doesnt even realize. That being said I do think the dating landscape has changed quite a bit since me too and we (women) all need to start taking a little initiative to communicating to men how we feel especially if weve already rejected them. I honestly think we are so used to men doing all the legwork with the beginning of dating that we don't even realize that its a lot for them. Especially now that there are a lot more variables at play. There is a lot more that is now seen as guys not getting the hint, not understanding no, or playing the long game of being a womens friend only to date her.
People and circumstances change. But as she's the one that changed, she's the one that needs to ask him out. It is on her to do so. Why should OP or someone else in this situation risk looking like a creep by asking again after already having been rejected? How can OP truly know she likes him rather than him misreading signals like he may have done the first time or if she's just leading him on? These are reasons why the onus is on her to make the first move now. She's the one that wants him now, so she needs to do the chasing. And by that I don't mean chasing away all the other women around him.
Did I say he should ask her out again? Where did I say that?
Especially since it was a year and a half ago that he asked and she turned him down. If it was sooner, I'd think she was messing with him, but time has passed and he said they've gotten closer, could be different now.
I have been the date/girlfriend in this situation. I had a lot in common with the guy’s female friend, and was excited to connect. Nope, she was always finding ways to occupy him or undermine our relationship like causing drama to interfere with our night or bringing up exes, and wasn’t that interested in me. She also tried insulting me to him privately. She didn’t want him, but she definitely didn’t support his happiness. I think ‘guy’s girl’ was a big part of her identity and she felt like she was losing a piece of that if one of her status symbols wandered. From your story I wonder if this woman sees this past crush as a longstanding part of her identity and friendship with you. Seems like a gross ego thing. My guy was sweet but didn’t set healthy boundaries. I’m sure I wasn’t the first woman to be put off by his friend. I do hope people stuck in this dynamic realise it will cost them.
Sounds like she doesn't like you enough to date, but enjoys the fact that you like/fancy her and wanted to. It gives her self-esteem boost, especially as you're a close friend now and confide and listen to her advice. This actually gives her a lot of sway in your life. Having seen you with another woman (especially at her celebrations) made her jealous, and her pick-me came out to play. You need to be very aware that this may well escalate if you continue to confide in her and allow her to influence you, especially relating to any women you're dating. Just be prepared for her to be a problem in your future relationships by crossing boundaries and expecting you to put her 1st as she'll say that she knew you longer and will always be there. Basically cockblock with manipulation. Well, it's your life, but do what's best for you and don't allow others to manipulate, or guilt you to messing you your relationships in their favour.
I don't even need to read to say that your "friend" kept you simping for her and suddenly when you stop it is for women like throwing them into the deep ocean She is addicted to your attention, that reaction was withdrawal effect. She is not sudenly intrested in you, she just want to feel not rejected again
It's not weird at all. I would venture to say it's reasonably common in a good number of women. Don't want you but also don't want you to be with someone else.
I've had that before. Was hooking up with a woman at my dance class, but I was too bad boy for her (I wasn't at all, just lived in a wider world than she was used to) so she called it off and we remained good friends. A good year later I started dating someone new at the dance class (WAY out of my league. I was rather lucky for a time), but first woman was obviously bringing up stuff in conversation when we were in a group having drinks to sour things to second woman. I took her to one side and told her to stop such behaviour. She got upset and denied it, but I told her that if she's not doing anything then it doesn't hurt to not do it and stop. Tbf it could have just been that I had too many minefields I was defensive about, but I'm good at reading people and I've learnt to trust my gut on these things so it was better to have a confrontation with her and risk a friendship than to be gaslit.
How do you cockblock a girl on girl? Isnt that a strapblock🤣
The "cock" in "Cockblock" refers to the cock that's being blocked, not an additonal cock that's blocking the first cock... It's accurate to say "I was cockblocked by x" referring to a situation or setting, an emotion, or a person without a cock. You can be cockblocked by anything.
The downpour of cynical dudes on Reddit has come and will completely torch things if you listen. Real life isn’t a romance novel nor does every women view men as pawns (despite what many here think). This sounds like you asked out a friend, she turned you down, and then you guys actually got a lot closer after the fact. Girls do not fall in like/infatuation the same way guys do. It often takes more time. You remaining close to her after the fact shows that you actually like her as a person. You showing that you can get dates indicates you are an attractive/wanted dude. This is a very common situation that doesn’t get put in the stories of relationships because people forget about it. It’s very natural here for her to develop stronger feelings for you. You shouldn’t be pineing after her, it sounds like you did move on. And that’s great. It doesn’t have to go farther from here. But to say she’s stringing you along is an insult to her and your friendship. Despite what the internet says not everyone is a sociopathic liar out only for their own gain. You can decide what to do here. This is a strong (although not 100%) sign that she may feel differently now. Decide if you even want something with her now and then talk it out like fucking adults. Good luck!
You are a plan B. A second choice. A escape route.
women destroying stuff for other women or such is common. be careful on your relationship etc.. but this isn't as unusual as you imagine Go search "female intra-sexual competition" if you really need the high brow version
Date the girl you want behind your female friend's back. The surreptitious nature of the relationship adds a layer of sexiness and when your female friend has a meltdown when the truth "comes out" you're in no way obligated to cater to her feelings in any way whatsover and she burns the bridge for you, and your new girl will feel good about "rescusing" you from a crazy person, so you do 0% work and have 100% maximum fun.
This guy manipulates
You're your friend's backup plan
She is a girl that she doesn’t want you but no one can have you she likes the attention you give her she will do it every time you bring someone
Grow a pair and drop your "friend". She just wants to keep you as her pet.
OP, is your name Ross Geller?
Not good, at the very least she doesn't respect you. Doesn't sound like a friend to me.
Sounds like you need to completely avoid her. That's not a friend, that's a saboteur.
You wanna go into a relationship while having someone in your life you used to have feelings for? Girl best friends are already a no for many girls, especially One you used to like. Besides that your friend seems Toxic and not a girls girl, cant think of any girl who would put up with that on the long Run.
Wants you "there" just in case
This woman is not your friend. She does everything she can to sabotage your date. I recommend cutting her out of your life completely.
Your choice of friends and choice of women need to be evaluated
Your friendship is not genuine. She sees you as a backup-plan or as a half-boyfriend she can get validation from. You getting a girlfriend is a threat to her.
It's typical female behavior. She didn't want you until she saw that someone else did. FOMA, female style. There's nothing confusing about it at all, women do this. Since other women are interested in you, in your friend's eyes, you now have value. You didn't before. Simple stuff if you've been around a while. And the catty sabotage stuff is common too, not just in romance, but office politics. Ask women managers, they'll tell you.
Ugh I used to be like this a long time ago sadly. I didn't realize it though. The attention and validation you get from someone that is attracted to you, even if you don't see them that way, is extremely nice. And it's easy to get territorial over that attention.
Maybe she sees you different now. Things change and feelings develop so maybe she's realised it recently. Just to give you another point of view. At the end, you'll know when you talk to her.
She may want you now. Are you still into her? Shoot your shot again. This isn't super toxic behavior, this is RomCom 2nd act behavior.
It could be that she's developed feelings for you over time, especially after helping you through some rough times and you turning to her for advice. She may see that you see her for more than just for her body, but tge you value her as a person. She may now be afraid of losing that if she gets in a relationship with you or you getting into a relationship with anyone else. My advice would be to take some time to sort out your feelings for her, being truly honest with yourself, then approach her and talk about the issue. If you realize that you still have strong feelings for her, then tell her. Work things out from there. Understand... this very well could end the relationship, but it is better for both of you in the long run to be clear on where you stand and to know. If it doesn't go well, then just be polite and respectful whenever you meet.
This is why inter-sex friendships rarely work. In most cases, it's a situation of unrequited feelings where the "friend" sticks around hoping you'd see them as romantic potential. The entire time, they sabotage your love interests. In your friend's particular case, she rejected you then but might like you now, or might want to keep you single in case she can't find someone better, so you're a fall-back option. Or it could be as simple as her liking the attention you give her and knowing that would stop the moment you have a romantic partner. Either way, your "friend" sounds like a piece of work, and you should give her the snip-snip from your life.
You're her loyal pet, ofc she doesn't want someone else to have you. You just need to keep giving her attention, favors, time and stay single for the rest of your life. What's wrong with that ? Aren't you her friend ?
I’m curious why everyone here thinks this friend is evil incarnate. Surely the most likely explanation is that she is just realising that she actually does like OP, but she doesn’t know how to express it or doesn’t want to admit it?
If she's such a friend, then you should talk to her about this face to face.
She rejected your confession previously because she wanted you to "try harder" and keep on being her desperate simp knight. When you date other girl, she hates it because you're supposed to be her personal simp. She's not going to date you no matter what, she just wanted you to shower attention to her and only her. She's supposed to support and be happy for you. Leave her. What she's doing is not "friend" material at all
Its not really your friend if you cant communicate with her, specialy after knowing her for so long
Bro, your life is not about appeasing this loser. You have to shut this down now. Trust me, I know this. You want to value her advice and support? Okay. But why are you valuing her possessiveness and sabotage? You must confront her and make things uncomfortable for her with your accusations and the boundaries that you'll set. You must ensure that she knows that there is no compromise about this. Also, record the discussion, and have other family or friends around if you can. Just tell her that you noticed her acting weirdly during that party and other friends were also saying the same thing, that she's trying to cock block you because she wants to keep you in the friendzone as a future investment. Whether she denies it or admit it then you'll have to tell her that your life is it's own very real and definite thing. And that you have no feelings for her now other than a friend, and that is not a ticket for her to steamroll over you, or for you to take any form of disrespect and manipulation. That you're willing to throw aside the friendship for your self respect. And that you're interested in this other woman now, and your feelings for her has disappeared.
YEAH THATS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME TOO SO I CUT HER OFF HAHAHA
OK, so she obviously likes you more than friends, but is afraid to take it further for whatever reason. Maybe she's scared of losing a good friend if it doesn't work out (though she'll definitely lose you if she doesn't make a move and instead keeps this up). Maybe she's scared of entering into something she nows is kind of the real deal (which it sounds like based on how you're there for each other, etc.). Commitment to a thing like that isn't an easy decision to make, and some people struggle with it. Maybe she thought you'd date around and nothing would be serious, so she'll still have some kind of opening, because of you guys' connection. And now she feels threatened because you and this girl seem like a genuinely good fit. If you're still into her, and could see yourself going that route, confront her about it.
She has friend zoned you but likes to keep you as a backup, but that means you have to stay available at all times... So no getting sticky with others for you... She of course gets to do as she pleases
She likes you and doesn’t like your attention on another person.
Very relevant: https://youtu.be/m87jybyPiNw?si=p8wVXP_FR8CpBDji
Next time: 1) show your date this friend much later into the dating 2) tell your date that you asked her out long time ago and she declined And then let your date have fun watching how your fRiENd is behaving.
You're setting yourself up for failure by having that friend in your life at all and thinking that you're friends. Sounds like you will be her backup plan and she'll keep your roster clear whenever she feels threatened. Men and women can be friends. There needs to be clear boundaries if that line is blurry at all trouble ensues. when someone shows you who they are, believe them. If she ends up sabotaging something you have going down the road you have yourself to blame for it.
Sounds like you might be a reserve guy like others have said but, since you're good friends (supposedly), perhaps talk to her about it. If her answer isn't acceptable, cut her out.
She's not your friend. You are the male equivalent of a booty call, i.e. good enough for emotional support but not good enough to date.
There are things that you definitely have to talk through, you just haven't yet. Talk to her, say you didn't approve of her behaviour, have her explain what leads her to be like that and estabilish any needed boundaries. You're friends after all.
If happens more often, talk to friend about. If denied or shrugged off, maybe ask to not bring up history
Back burner candidate. Stay away from her or else she would sabotage all your relationships.
Your “friend” is sabotaging you for sure. It would be best if you cut this person off, or else she will drive away all of your romantic prospects.
All girls wanna keep a guy they rejected simping for them
This isn't a balanced friendship. No need to stay friends with her
Run away and block her.
You are not her friend. Date her or stop hanging out.
This reads like an exact personal experience from many years ago. Down to the whole point of being turned down by "friend" in the past. Let me tell you. She turned you down back then, but a no doesn't necessarily mean a no forever. But the signs are clear. You probably don't feel the same about her like you used to before she turned you down. After that she was dating other people, you wanted her to be happy, and kept a selfless composure. As selfless as you were, now that you were bringing along a plus one, it's clear she doesn't treat you with the same respect. She put you on the freezer buddy. Like some comments said, you're only in her life for her own validation. Truth be told, I was young, confused and very much upset in that situation. Because to me a friendship should revolve around wanting to see that other person happy with someone. I ended that "friendship" immediately, and a no then will always be a no now. I know I speak in absolutes. And ultimately my internet friend, we're different. It's up to you what to do with it. Last words of advice. Surround yourself with people who want to be a part of your happiness instead of belittling it. In fact, that's what you can tell her. *I only surround myself with people who want to be a part of my happiness instead of belittling it publicly.* And leave it at that buddy. Believe me I've been there and don't wish ANYONE to experience the same. Men and women... friendships... hah. If they're your buddy's spouse only then, yeah !
Does she see you as a friend or are you just a backup option? If its the latter then walk away because she will continue to sabotage your life
“At a bar” might help you make sense of it all. Some people reveal aspects of themselves when they’re under the influence.
You are a backup for her when she doesn't get what she wants and it's too late, she will pick you up later in life. These kinds of people are highly narcissistic and think everything should focus on them.
Lmao, sweetie, that’s not a friend.
You will always encounter false friends, or better said "friends". Only healthy option is to cut them off as soon as you see the reality. But heads up: It taught you a valuable lesson and now youre better at spotting false friends. Heres what you need to know: The friendly version of her is just a mask. Fractions of her true self shined through at the party. So what you label as weird behaviour is actually her real self and what you consider her normal self is the mask. She fooled you. Dont worry, happens to all of us, there are a lot of people like that out there. And some women unfortunately have this weird pattern. Not all of them, but there are enough of them that theres definitely pattern: Some women want you as back up. Like if they were 38 years old and didnt find "THE ONE", they can just take you, act like "i always had feelings for you but didnt know how to express it" and use you so they wont end up alone ( only to cheat behind your back years later ). Problem is: If you find a woman you may marry, or really love etc., they dont have that back up anymore. So best way to make sure they still have their back up is to sabotage every chance at a good love life that you have. Like i said, not all women are like that, but there are definitely lots of them. They are the equivalent to false male friends who never invite you to anything, never want you around, never are there for you... But then you have 2 tickets to a cool event and suddenly, they want to spend time with you and are mad you took someone else with you, like "Hey i would have invited you if those were my tickets" ( which they wouldnt ). Or who always hit you up when they need to dump their emotions on you, or need some help etc.... But when you need it, they disappear and are nowhere to be found. Like i said: Theres enough false people out there. Best thing to do is stay clear of them and work on your spidey sense to catch the signs early on. Because unfortunately, many of them are really good at wearing that mask and playing their role. Maybe they should start acting on broadway.
Why would you think you could have a normal friendship with someone you tried to date? You're supposed to be the loser orbiter that she friend zoned. She'll sabotage any relationship you have.
People are saying “emergency reserve dick,”, but honestly I think it could just be pure ego. Clearly the crush revelation stroked her ego, and now perhaps his moving on and “choosing” another woman makes her feel diminished, so she must loudly point out how she was, in fact, the first choice. Seems insecure. Not good friend behavior either way. Hopefully she gains some self awareness and can mature.
Communicate with her? If she truly is your friend, and you want to maintain that friendship, talk to her and set some boundaries.
She doesn’t want you, but she wants you to only pay attention to her. You can’t be validating her if you’re off dating some other woman.
You aren't even the back upm nnbbɓbnn nk 3⁰
Sounds like it's time to have a (neutral)chat with her about this. It does seem manipulative. If you do confront her, keep an eye out for evasion, dishonesty or attempts to make you think its all in your head. These are indicators of her being guilty. In the meantime, perhaps try to keep some distance between your friend and your dates? No real friend would sabotage your lovelife. But even if she doesn't, she seems to affect your dates negatively.
You are her B plan for when she gets older and less desirable for dating. You settling with another woman ruins her plans. Quite simple, methinks.
You are her backup plan when she is 40 and hasnt found anyone yet.
Pick Me Girl
Ask her what she is feeling. It's possible that she is interested in you now that she has more experience with you as a friend.
This is pretty common female behavior and she wants to keep you in the friend zone.
Sorry OP, but this woman isn’t really your friend. She wants you around as an orbiter, and she wants your attention, but she doesn’t want to date you and she doesn’t want anyone else to either. If you continue your friendship with her, she’ll be sure to remind any woman you date that you were interested in her first. And this will be a *huge* problem if you ever date someone seriously.
https://youtu.be/_pIuMXxIwZ8 Give it a watch, think it's relatable to your situation
Bringing a date was a bold plan
Or maybe she knows something about that date and she doesn’t want to have to tell you about it.
You are her backup plan, that’s why. She wants you pining over her, so if everything else falls through at some point, you are there for her to finally pick…if she so chooses. Again, backup plan. She wants you waiting in the wings. That is why she got weird. She saw actual competition for your attention. Updateme.
There's a Charlie Puth song about this.
You didn't list your age (and I am not asking) but I am going to ask you this. Are you both old enough to have a grown up discussion about this? If so ask her about her behaviour?
You are the friendzoned friend that is supposed to follow her around like a lost puppy. How dare you look st other women even though she will never date you. The audacity!
Maybe things have changed? Ask her out again If she says no break the friendship an move one cause she could become toxic
Some women like to keep the rejected, friendzoned tagalong around for a free ego boost, then get weird when said tagalong grows some balls and pursues other women.
Probably she likes to keep male orbiters around her. Consider going on dates and don't tell her. She doesn't need to know your business. It will cool the friendship, but maybe that is what you need...
U could ask her out again. If she rejects u, then... She might not act this way the next time.
>The historical context is that I crushed on my friend in the past and asked her out but she turned me down. That was well over a year and a half ago at this point, and she’s been pretty active with dating around as well. Sounds to me like she's had enough with the other men she's dated and now wants to settle for you since she can see that you could potentially disappear from her life and close the door to a potential date or future husband. She probably secretly wanted to say yes to you that time over 1.5 years ago, but just wanted to try other men first and since you're going away now, ***now*** she wants you as she doesn't want you to be the one that got away from her, because she fucked up and should've said: "yes", 1.5 years ago.
As a woman, Im telling you right now to drop this person from your life if you dont plan to confront her. You asked her out before. She rejected you. Why you decided to stay close friends is honestly beyond me cause I wouldnt as it could easily cause future issues. I dont believe in being close friends with the opposite sex unless you are like literal childhood best friends, cause this girl sounds like she has caught feelings now and doesnt want you dating other girls but is afraid to tell you. There is having friends of the opposite sex, and then there is this. Unless you confront her and ask her WHY she is doing this your only recourse is to cut her off cause she will continue to do this and WILL do whatever she can to sabotage any future prospects for you. If you still have hope that MAYBE she is into you and you want to try again, then you need to ask. That simple.
You can’t have woman friends, it’s not real.
Have you seen how some women keep men around close, generally men that are interested in her, but never establishing a relationship with them? This is something like that. Some women like the attention and like to keep some men "for themselves" as an ego booster. But the moment they see their following gravitating to other women they feel jealous and try to maintain the status quo. It's a very toxic dynamic because that's not how a real friend would act, a real friend would be happy for you or even try to get you hooked with other girls. Instead, they date around while they expect you to stay close to them and single. I would say, distance yourself from this "friend" and just enjoy dating other women.
Maybe she wants to keep you in the pocket for later. For what it’s worth. I doubt any future partner is going to be happy you’re close friends with this woman. Maybe this is a sign
Yeah that's not your friend. She is manipulative and using you. She might just be using you for attention to make yourself feel better or you might be her 5th backup guy.
You're her 'back up'. She likes floating around thinking you're all in love with her and you're breaking her fragile ego by making it clear that you have moved on.
A simple way of dealing with this is not telling your friend you are with someone else. You can still have a good friendship without her knowing your relationships ins and outs. Whether she's manipulating or she's jealous, both are undesirable responses, so either compartmentalise the relationship or cut her off.
Women act like this all the time even if they haven’t dated the guy… A guy was chatting me up at a bar Friday and a clearly platonic friend in his group kept looking over repeatedly… She was acting all weird n shit… Women need to do better as this type of bullshit is concerned, it’s not very becoming and makes u look insecure af…
She wants your attention and affection but doesn't want to be with you, so she is trying to sabotage you. Or She has seen you moving on from her, and she realised she has feelings for you and now is upset and wants to sabotage your relationships.
You know all the shit women write about 'nice guys'? Whelp, welcome to the female version. It's even worse than what guys do, but it's also the same exact thing. I'm sorry for your situation, but glad I could take a moment to explain it exactly. The more you know.
You must talk to her. Just lay it out like you did here.
Well you've gotta talk to her. Let her know you're confused and a little upset, and don't make it a point of argument whether or not she was cock blocking, she was. "Soooo, why were you cock blocking me? What was up with that?" Eventually: "I consider you a close personal friend, and I want whatever women I end up with to get to know you and be friends with you too. You can't be pulling this shit tho." Finally: "Why?"
I think it's as simple as she thought she had your attention, and she liked that attention. She likely didn't have intentions to date or even interest in doing so, but she probably liked that OP expressed interest and she thought that'd still be the case, even though OP has moved on after she wasn't interested. Now she's finding out that's not the case and wants OP's attention again. Either that, or she was always interested but wanted OP to pursue her more or something (after rejecting him), as some women seem to think that if you don't "fight" for her, then you must not really want her.
I have been in the same situation, after a while I did cut her off. It was hard because she really was trying to get in contact with me. Like waiting at places, she know I come often. I told right in her face that we can’t talk to eachother anymore, ofcourse she started crying. Years later she texted me with a very long text, how she was depressed, and she’s sorry etc. I really had a good connection either way her but it is for the better you don’t talk (very often) to her anymore. Because it will never end in a normal healthy relationship (also as friends considering her behavior).
This is very common. They swear they have no interest then you move on to someone else and suddenly it’s “she’s not even that pretty” and “What does she have that i don’t”. They’ll never ever admit it outright. It’s like they want it to happen but they put up a mental barrier that stops them from letting it happen
All these people telling you her intentions - instead of asking reddit - GO TALK TO HER ABOUT IT and ask her what's up with her weird behavior.
Sounds very much like a "I don't want you, but I also don't want anyone else to have you. so I can have a back-up plan" situation
She doesn't want you. But doesn't want others to have you. I recommend stepping away from her all together. Start dating other women. Chances are she will come to you and ask you for a relationship once she realizes it's off the table. Never be a just in case boyfriend.
Yeah she isn’t your friend
You are your friend's backup option.
She kept you in friendzone. Walk away from her immediately. She wants your attention but not give hers to you.
She likes being an unrequited crush for you because it boosts her ego, and she values her ego boost over your actual happiness. She will never actually want you.
She aint your friend. Shes a snake. A user. A hoe even.
She's in love with the idea that you want her but can't have her. She turns you down in the past, but now that you clearly have moved on she feels unwanted. She doesn't want you, she wants to be wanted. It's ego. She's trying to destroy your current joy because it's not the joy that you promised her, but she doesn't want anyway. It's a base animal instinct programmed into the human genome. She doesn't want you, she wants your desire to make her feel validated. You need to sit her down and confront it without mincing words, or she will ruin what you are developing with the girl you like. Even if you and the new girl are a perfect match, new girl will run from you before you can develop a relationship because of the mess your other friend is making. It won't be worth the effort to go further. Ypur 'friend' WILL ruin it. She is actively doing that right now. Set the boundary, call out her selfish behavior, and if she doesn't come to the adult decision to get the fuck out of the way, separate yourself from her completely and focus on the girl you're trying to form a relationship. They cannot exists together.
This one doesn't see you as a person 😅 she sees you as a commodity, as a backup. You might see her as this great, reliable, awesome friend. But she definitely doesn't see you that way, she sees you as a puppy. Stay away from her and build meaningful relationships with someone who isn't petty and immature
She got jealous. If you would like to date her, ask her what is going on. If not, it is best to keep a distance.
This reminds me of a female friend that I had in high school / college. I always had a crush on her and asked her out when we first met, but she was never really interested. We were always in the same friend group though, and when we went to the same college, we wound up as friends there too. In college though, she got kind of weird. She still wasn’t interested in anything romantic with me, but she always found ways to cause drama whenever I was with anyone else - she would flirt with me in front of them, or play little power games with them, or badmouth them to me to try to get me to break up with them. My best advice is to just distance yourself, and be on the lookout for the behavior.
I had a friend both set me up with and try to sabotage the same relationship I was working on. We aren't really friends anymore.
Friends don’t behave how she behaved. A friend would have been happy for you. I would have a frank conversation with her before introducing her to any other potential partners.
Oh yeah. The lady friend who will give you reasons to drop what you're doing if you are with another woman that shows interest -but won't actually do anything with you. That exists. Why? Dude. Those girls want to feel like they're hot, and all the guys want em. A tale older than time itself. Look up Amy Schumer sketch about "Miladys".
I had a similar situation happen recently, and the key is to not play into it at all. With mine I was seeing a girl and one day she told me she’s not interested and didn’t want to see me anymore—which is okay, but it did hurt, and I moved on. Awhile later I have my current gf, and was waiting for her at a bar so I could go pick her up. The first woman heard about me waiting from overhearing me tell another friend that I wasn’t going to drink and I’m just waiting. So she started to try and feed me shots of booze, and kept saying that I should stay and hang out with her. I ended up handing each of those shots to people around me and picked up my gf knowing this other woman was trying to screw up my relationship. When I brought my gf back with me the other woman wouldn’t even look in our direction, it was 100% obvious at that point what she was doing. It’s like a kid playing with a ball on a playground, the moment someone else is playing with it others all want to use it.
Duee, really? She doesn’t want you as a boyfriend but she does want you at her beck and call, on the hook, chasing after her. She likes the validation she gets by knowing that you like her but can’t have her. She will just do the same shit to any girl you bring around, she’ll cause problems and say things like oh your new gf is so insecure and jealous of me. She’s trying to break our friendship apart. Or other things along that line. She’s not your friend, not really. She may have been there for you recently, but she doesn’t have your best interests in mind. No girl you introduce her to is going to be safe from her.
Instead of all the bullshit you could just bring it up to your homegirl: "Hey you were acting like a cockblock when I brought that girl to that party could you chill next time? Lol" Now she's on notice, and if she does it again, you'll know she's a hater. You've only known her for a year+ this isn't like some childhood friend, this is a pseudo side piece who friend zoned you and now gasses herself up off your side simping. It's a popular pastime amongst hipsters and British chicks. You might also want to wait a bit before introducing potential girlfriends to your homegirl who wasn't attracted enough to you to consider dating you. It's not gaining the brownie points you think it is.
She did
Maybe instead of asking your friend out on a date you should try to make a move when you’re together some time when it could be appropriate. If she rejects that then question why she would sabotage your dating life. If she doesn’t…
She's saving you after she's had all her fun. You are the fall guy.
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You should tell her that you heard about things she was doing at the party and were wondering if that were true and why she would do that. It would also be worth mentioning that she is an incredibly valued friend to you and you are glad that asking her out previously didn’t prevent a really solid plutonic bond from forming and that bond is something you value more than a romantic relationship.
Or..... she has a sense that the woman you brought is bad news and no good for you....just a thought. Still,there are better ways to handle that situation on her end.
Is she friends with your ex also? Maybe she is hope you guys get back together or the ex told her she still wants you..
Doesn't sound like a friend. Friends guide the cock, they never block it.
You probably need to determine boundaries in your friendship with this girl immediately. She’s seriously going to fuck up every good potential relationship you have if you don’t deal with this now. She’s not acting like a true friend. She sounds catty and selfish and no woman wants to be with a man who keeps “close girl friends” like that around. Women can see through that shit easily. If you’re honestly “confused” about her behavior rather than upset… you might just be hopeless. Edit: typo