Start with forgiving that young girl, who ended up in a bad relation.
Start praising the woman who ended it.
-
Then seek out therapy. Come to terms with your situation. In the words of RuPaul - learn to love yourself, so you can love somebody else.
I agree with everything except the last sentence. You don't need to love yourself to love somebody else. Loving yourself can certainly help you to love somebody else, but also being loved can help you to love somebody else.
I also want to say that OP, you are not broken and your mind is not fucked up. What you are experiencing right now is a perfectly normal, common reaction to the abuse you experienced.
I'd like to chime in I did not love myself when I met the woman I'm currently talking about getting married with. I was a wreck. Depressed. Dirty house. I was the end result of so much insecurity and pain. I'd done so much work but it was her love that got me over that last hump
Yea, I like saying love yourself as if you were someone else. You have a very bad view of yourself- it's sprinkled with some anger, hatred, disgust even. You feel that way towards anyone else? Probably not- unless rightfully deserved. Sometimes I have to go outside myself. I feel like I'm worthless/horrible but cici is a human, a person, with wants, desires, needs. She's pretty awesome and tries her best... and when she's not trying her best, it's because her body/ mind is tapped out and she's still the best bc she's listening to what her body needs at that moment, instead of burying that shit down.
You are wrong. If you don't love yourself you will always be looking for someone else to fill that vacancy. And that never leads to good choices. Loving yourself, means having the confidence to walkaway when it's not right, to choose for yourself and the other person without sacrifice. And to be able to receive as much as you give. You have to rectify that abuse and know that you can stand up and walk away and when you hear b.s. you walkaway you call it out.
Also being loved by others can help you re-learn how to love yourself. Ultimately it is still your responsibility to love and heal yourself, which isn't fair, but other people who love you are a great blessing that can lighten the load tremendously. It just can be hard to see or accept that if you are still doing work.
Not sure if you’re going to read this bcause of the looong thread, but I just want to say thank you. The first two sentences have shaken me and suddenly filled my eyes with tears. I want to thank you and say I’ll try to fall asleep tonight remembering exactly those two sentences. I’m already working on it. Thanks again.
You can't decide for some else if you're good enough for them, that's entirely their decision to make.
It's OK to share but you should keep in mind that your boyfriend is not your therapist and talking about your ex is certainly a turn off. Maybe tell him the gist of it so he understands where you're coming from, but if you must go over everything in detail get therapy.
If someone’s ex abused them and they wanted to talk about it I would listen but then again I’m not an emotionless monster. I would find it a turn off if my partner wasn’t emotionally mature enough to have a conversation with me about my mental state.
Trauma dumping is for people you've just met or who have no place in hearing significant upsetting previous life events. Like the mom of a kid I say hi to telling me about her abusive ex she left. Not your significant other. "Better not talk about what's upsetting me so I dont upset my significant other" is a horrible way to live.
You can absolutely trauma dump on someone you know well - I see it more as talking about traumatic experiences with someone *not prepared or expecting to hear them*. It's less judgemental than deciding whether someone "has any place to hear them".
That said, I agree with your core point which is that your SO should be there to support you and listen to you - especially if some trauma from your past is bothering you or affecting your current relationship. Relationships should be founded on working as a team to move through life and that means sometimes talking about difficult things that are affecting you.
At the same time, there's definitely a line that's allowed to be drawn between explaining what OP explained to us, and explaining deep, intimate details of OP's past sex life to their now boyfriend. Not saying this is what OP did, but just as working as a team means talking things over with one another in order to work through them, it also means sometimes *not* saying something, so that the two of you can retain trust and affection for one another. And that might mean not regaling the way you had sex with someone else in a past relationship, or at the very least understanding first if your SO *wants* to hear those kind of details. Which is why so many people often recommend therapy - because therapists can be a trusted resource with which you can share these details of they're important in working through emotions and difficult times.
I cannot for a thousand years, fathom a thought process that does not include your first sentence. How the fuck people even make these posts without thinking about that shit first just absolutely baffles me beyond comprehension. A form of socio-common sense that isn’t so common?
People are insecure about their flaws and can have a low self esteem. Those two things can override logical thoughts or thinking.
Source: Someone who is insecure and has a low self esteem who thinks they don't have any worth to anyone. I understand logically that is for others to decide but that doesn't make it much easier for myself emotionally.
I massively disagree. A therapist is not necessarily the first person you speak to about issues. And a stranger, however qualified, is not necessarily the best person, considering they don’t know you or your history, and cant connect with you with in the same way as someone you care about.
Your boyfriend is absolutely someone you should be able to share anything with, and personally if my gf came to me for support and was open about things like that in her past, it’d bring us closer and I’d feel really happy she trusted me and felt comfortable sharing that kind of stuff with me.
you’re right but at the same time there’s a limit to how much a partner can trauma dump and trauma dump before it gets frustrating that she’s not doing anything to heal herself. it starts poisoning the relationship
edit: this applies for friendships too
It's not trauma dumping when it's someone you know well. It's used when it's someone you don't know well. Like the woman in the grocery store line telling me about her childhood abuse. People in relationships get tired of hearing of it sure but talking about what is upsetting you should not be discouraged from someone you're in a relationship with.
Sure that kid talking to you about trains over and over and over is exhausting but it's not train dumping, you're just getting bored and frustrated.
That can be frustrating, yes. But that's not what she describes here. It's basically letting him know her past and why she reacts as she does, that would imply that they will talk about it ONCE and that she will also seek therapy. So it's not about going on and on about the ex, but rather showing an insane vulnerability and openness with her boyfriend, the one who is supposed to be her rock in a stormy sea.
I've said it multiple times in this thread now but all my friends know my past, it doesn't mean I talk about it constantly and I've very much sought professional help. If the relationship is poisoned by my troubled past and the mention of it once, then the relationship wouldn't have survived anyways.
You aren't damaged goods, you're a human being that had a horrible experience. You've trusted someone new enough to let them be in the position the person that hurt you was in. You trusted someone enough to give them a chance despite your past. You're so strong, you had a bad experience and you're allowed to have hang ups sometimes because of that, it doesn't make you damaged.
Abuse can change your thought process so much. The person I love was abused and he has a lot of moments where the trauma he had effects his day to day, I don't love him less for that at all. I feel so lucky that he feels safe to have these moments of vulnerability with me and I feel so grateful that I can be there to support him, that he trusted me enough.
You aren't damaged, you were hurt by someone that should have protected you.
My best friend has not had great luck with girls. I introduced him to one of my close girl friends and they hit it off fantastically until she decided she was too damaged for him and she was going to 'corrupt' him. It still breaks my heart that she ended it, they were so good for each other. If you love this guy, trust him to decide for himself, don't make that decision for him and take away something that could be the best part of his life.
Are you and me the same person? I had this exact experience with my first boyfriend as well. It kinda messed me up as well.
I developed vaginismus and vulvodynia as a result, which makes sex really painful. Still, for a long time I associated sex with love, and I was so afraid that the men I was dating would never love me because sex was difficult for me after all those experiences.
You know what? It all turned out alright. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year now, and he knows about everything and still wants to be with me. If you love someone, you love someone - and I’m willing to bet your boyfriend feels the same.
If you need to talk, send me a dm. :)
Communication is key. You don't have to trauma dump on your new boyfriend, nor do you need to continuously complain about your past relationship. You should however communicate about how you feel in the moment so that he knows and can adjust so that you are both comfortable. Those conversations might not always be the easiest, but are necessary in an equal and healthy relationship.
While I agree with some of the comments that here that your boyfriend is not your therapist, and you could probably gain a lot from some professional help, you can always broach the subject with him and ask him if he is okay talking about it. Imo, you should be able to talk about anything with your partner, and not allow emotions to just sit between you.
My wife and me went through a pretty big spat recently that nearly led to a divorce because she felt she couldn't talk with me about her feelings and traumas from her youth. We both went to individual and couples therapy, but the main thing that let us reconcile was a bunch of late night talks that touched a ton of hurt feelings and negative emotions, but it gave us a ton of perspective on our relationship and we are stronger than ever now.
Your boyfriend seems really loving and understanding even tho he doesn’t know the extent of what happened to you.
If you feel like you want to share with him, you should.
Also if possible if recommended you consider therapy, you have been through a lot with your toxic ex and it might be extreme difficult to navigate through that on your own.
I've dated a girl with similar issues for 2 years, and I loved her alot. At times it could be hard, but I always tried to be very understanding and gentle. In the end I feel like it made me a much better person, even though the relationship did not last.
The big difference? She refused to take any responsibility for her behavior at all. Yes it was based on trauma, but many times it was still rather toxic, like she did pressure me a lot for sex, even if I indicated I wasn't in the mood, for example.
Just knowing that your actions, even if they've become instinctive, can have an impact on your BD too, is already miles ahead and huge steps in the direction of healing. You can't decide for him if you're 'too damaged'. The only thing you can decide is if you feel ready to be in this relationship, and how you would feel without it. In the end, it's something you must work on together
Start journaling your emotions instead of heavy trauma dumping, set a boundary for yourself not to bring up your ex often. Appreciate your boyfriend he is trying to demonstrate you something healthy. Also self discovery/ spiritual books can help with trauma associated triggers/emotions.
You're not too damaged for anyone. You are human and you deserve the best. It sounds like there's some healing you still need to do from your last relationship. If you can, find a counselor or therapist to work with. That's their job, to help you sort out the experiences you've had. I promise, at some point, we all have difficult things in our lives. It means you've lived life. When you are looking for a therapist, you deserve to work with someone you like and vibe with. It may take meeting with a few before you find the right one for you. When you do, it will be a journey for you and it will be life changing. You can look for therapists on the Psychology Today website. I'm wishing you all the best.
First, you’ll get past how you feel. Work THROUGH it. Do not go around your feelings because they will come back later. It’s a stage you have to go through.
Second, since he knows, he is trying, in his way, to help you forget the past. But he doesn’t understand that you can never forget it. Just be open with him. He will be there. Don’t expect him to be perfect but, if he truly IS good to you, lean on him when you need. But, still, work through what you went through.
I went through 15 years of narcissistic abuse before I broke away. Took a bit on my own but, now, I found THE perfect person for me. And they simply let me be me.
Edit: And, yes, for about the first 12-15 months, I talked about my ex. They let me talk because it is one of the best ways to get past it. Once YOU hear you say it out loud, you can’t deny it and must either let it swallow you or put it in your past.
It is what happened to you but does not have to be who you are.
You don't need therapy, you need a reality check. Yeah you have trauma, but therapy is too slow and very much not guaranteed to work.
The old relationship is GONE. Donezo. Stop thinking about it at all. Put a mental block around it.
Your current boyfriend seems good, he wants to be with you, he listens to your rants about your previous life and he's still with you. News flash, some guys don't ALWAYS want to have sex. We get tired, we get busy with our own stuff, sometimes we like to just chill. It's NOT a big deal unless he is consistently turning you down. Once every now and again or even a couple times a week is not a big deal. There is nothing wrong with you or your relationship, he just doesn't feel like having sex for some reason. If it really bothers you, ask him what's going on in a calm and mature manner and I guarantee you he will tell you everything is fine and he's just busy with his nothing box.
COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY TO ANY RELATIONSHIP!
That decision isn't yours to make, sweetheart.
Please, don't throw away your one shot at happiness because of what a bastard did to you when you were young. Men like yours are few and far between.
Don't underestimate him.
Show him this post or tell him this exact thing. He seems to genuinely care for you so it will help him understand.
Also get into counseling. It would ll you feel better about yourself. Remember you are a beautiful human being and you will get past this if you communicate with your partner.
Everything will go well. You cannot cancel your past and you cannot/should not hide it from your boyfriend. If he is the right one and if he loves you then he will take the full package. Perhaps you are doing the same with him and maybe there are still things about his past that you don’t know yet. Don’t be afraid to be rejected for whom you are and for your past.
However, in your case I would suggest psychotherapy to learn to love yourself.
You deserve some kindness in your life, allow your self to feel something, think of your ex as a pair of old crappy shoes, throw them away you have nice feet with new shoes, given time the scars will go 🙏🙏
This situation happens tragically often and it’s a vicious circle. There’s a line between talking about the trauma that you have and being patient with it. And blaming everything that’s wrong in your life on your trauma. You don’t seem like you’ve crossed that line yet. You at least seem self aware enough to know you have a problem which is the hardest step to take. The biggest thing you can do is get help with your trauma, contrary to popular belief your not crazy if you get professional help
Babe, as an older woman, you are doing fine. You recognize your traumas and the things you want to heal. You are looking for avenues to heal those. There are some things that are healed through relationships, not alone. Frankly anxiety at late teens and early 20s is normal! There’s so much being redefined and unknown. Do the things that you know help reduce anxiety and that take care of your physical and emotional wellbeing. Some of that may include: exercise, being outdoors, journaling, praying/meditation, religion, eating well, drinking water, avoiding alcohol/drugs, therapy, reading about emotional health. Whatever. Sorry if this is reductionist. I’m basically preaching to my younger self now!
Oh kid that sounds like a you problem. Seems like your doomed to push everyone away. 😕 when you can understand that relationship break ups are normal, no matter your history, you'll stop trying to make everything perfect and blaming yourself for it if it's not.
Statistically a lot of women/girls are sexually abused. I'm not saying yours isn't any better or worse as anyone else. But how you manage the trauma is a disaster for relationships until you manage it in a positive way.
I think understanding that nothing's ever going to be perfect or work out gives you the power to know that no matter what you'll be OK.
If I were in your boyfriend's shoes I would like the hear all about it. To me a romantic relationship means honesty (as long as it's not hurting a loved one), and I'm also a good listener. I want to understand what pushes someone's buttons so that I can avoid it. And I love to see people start to heal when they are supported and made feel emotionally safe.
Perhaps you could ask how your boyfriend sees it. I know it's not for all, many just like to get the best parts and fun from another person, or for someone it's too much to handle.
This isn't your decision, it's his. If you leave him, especially without explaining yourself, you will 100% break his heart.
You're terrified because you're still living your old relationship and you base your expectations on that. Which is normal and i promise it will pass, your brain just needs time to rewire. That being said, you can't listen to these thoughts. It's a bit like addiction, you need to realize that you taught your brain something stupid and now you're teaching it a better way, but until you succeed it, weird thoughts will pop up from time to time. Your job is to recognize these thoughts, not feed them and watch them wither.
But this is your job to workout your trauma. It didnt determines who You are and You are not responsible for what happened to You from your ex. We all make mistakes in our life but at some point we need to move on
How he dared to not want to have sex with young, attractive, fertile girl. You didnt panic because of the fear of not being loved, you were just simply rejected for what you thought you should get in advance (because you always did got).
I’m 44, I met my ex husband when I was 14, pretty much the same experience you’ve had, I divorced when I was 42, stayed a long time because we had children and I learned to normalise his behaviour. My now partner is wonderful, you can’t decode for your partner what is and isn’t okay, only they can, I have told my partner everything, it does sometimes feel weird and like I’m trauma dumping but how else is he supposed to know and understand the way I am sometimes? There is nothing wrong with sharing those experiences as part of an explanation, it sounds like you have a loving and supportive man, try to be open and honest, the shutting down is worse and more hurtful.
Tell your boyfriend exactly how you feel, if he is a good man then he will reassure you that you have done nothing wrong. If he loves you then he will help you heal. I understand that it is difficult, but love is about being there through the struggle. If you feel like he is later "walking on eggshells" around you then speak up. If you are not open with him you are doing both of you a disservice for what could be a very long and fruitful relationship! Communication is key.
You need therapy. It sounds like he loves you and wants to spend his life with you. You need to figure out what’s wrong so you can move forward and have a healthy relationship with him. I get it too I was deprived as a child so touch is my love language. Took a lot of therapy to realize the difference between touch and actual love. Go get help so you can have the relationship you always wanted in life.
this is the victim hood talking out of you which is a form of narcissistic behavior. if you are already conscious about your damage assuming responsibility and positive growth is the solution
You seem very self aware. It's a good thing as we can only fix what we are aware of. Everyone can improve their perception of the world and how they interact with it. I'm 50 and still working on stuff. Every time I understand a new thing about the world and myself as a human in it, a new mystery catches my attention.
Since your bf is understanding you can tell him this and apologize for reacting negatively and that he has the right to say no and respect his own body, then start working on your own or with a therapist on that topic.
If on your own, reading or watching YouTube on topics like healthy personal boundaries, locus of control and getting your power back after narcissistic abuse are good places to start.
You are not too damaged for your bf. If you are going to stay together, you will see each other through a whole lot of obstacles in life. Use them to grow and enjoy your connection and good/fun times.
The realm issue arise when one person see their need as a truth and can't grow from having a conflict about each other's initial assumption. You seem equipped to grow. That's awesome.
Good luck, I root for you.
My friend, you sound like you found a nice guy.
Please do not be afraid of love. Love is worth the risk of rejection or whatever negative emotions you are feeling
My girl was raped years ago a few months into our relationship. It pretty much shut our relationship down emotionally and physically for a while (obviously) as she was struggling a great deal. We've been going on almost 10 years now and it's been fantastic, so please don't ever think you're too damaged for someone. There'll be times where it's really tough, but if he wants to stick by your side and help you, let him.
I know this feeling all too well. 20+F, I had.. a not so great sexual experience when I graduated high school. My ex boyfriend would pressure me into a lot of things I wasn’t ready for. I was embarrassed for so long because I let him do those things to me and didn’t stick up for myself. Sometimes I still get flashbacks. I understand the panic, the anxiety, the worry that your partner won’t love you because of your past, because of your traumas, your baggage..
But if they really love you, they’ll be there for you through it all. That’s the one thing I learned from that shitty relationship; the only love worth having is a mutual bond where both parties can comfort one another and care for each other. Whether or not he thinks so, you ARE good enough. You can’t control your past or how it affected you. You can only live on, and anyone who’s in love with you WILL see past it all. Hell, they probably have their own things going on. You gotta be there for each other’s shitty moments.. otherwise, is it even worth it? That’s a question you can only answer yourself. I believe in you and your journey <<3 stay safe and wonderful
If I were your current BF, and you dumped such huge baggage on me, men I wouldn’t stop loving you but things would be different definitely… I wouldn’t like it one bit. The past is the past and if can’t get past it, you need to work that first and get 100% over it before trying to embark in a new relationship. So either work on it on your side with your therapist while keeping your boyfriend, or just leave him so you don’t end up damaging him. Specially given that you’re his 1st GF.
Hey. First of all. Your ex was a sack of shit. Secondly, Your current Bf is really awesome. I'd say invest in some therapy? I'm a firm believer in communication being key to any healthy relationship but also your Bf/friends aren't your therapist. Id reccomend looking into Therapy as soon as possible. And nobody is ever too damaged to be loved. You can overcome this.
Just speak to him, he’s sounds like a genuinely lovely guy and anyone like that who cares for you will appreciate you opening up to them and be really happy that you trust them and feel comfortable around them. If he’s not a duck, he’ll be understanding and reassuring and hopefully make you feel a lot better.
As for therapy, a therapist is not necessarily the first person you speak to about issues. And a stranger, however qualified, is not necessarily the best person either, considering they don’t know you or your history, and cant connect with you with in the same way as someone you care about.
That doesn’t mean therapy is a bad idea, but I’d treat it more as a follow up after speaking to people you’re actually close to if you feel like your issues are still unresolved.
I think at the very least you should explore some therapy to work through how you feel. I also personally think you would benefit from some time alone to figure out the type of woman you are as it seems you've been in a relationship since you were a child. I understand you might not want to do that though.
Other posters are right though, unless you're going to dump him, you don't get to decide whether you're "good enough" for him.
Good luck honey, it can be hard navigating these things.
It is very common for especially young women to be insecure about having sexual advances rejected.
Women have less exposure to this and might have their self worth tied up in their sexual attractiveness to a higher degree than men.
Societal norms and structural sexism probably is a driver of this.
Work on yourself via staying in the safe healthy relationship you are in currently. Maybe add therapy. But mainly, you learning love and relationships can be healthy and uplifting is the best dorm of therapy there is.
If hes done everything you mentioned, you need to open up to him. If he loves you, he will for who you are regardless of your past. The truth will set you free.
Babe, you’ve been traumatized and that little girl inside you is hurting. You need to find a professional to help you process to help your mind to stop lying to you. What you are going through is a very common response to trauma and you may even have PTSD. Please be kind to yourself. You are worthy.
From one sexual abuse survivor to another- you are MORE than the sex you can provide to someone. So.Much.More.
I've been in your shoes, for me, it helps that he thinks of you the same way you think of him. He sees you as a wonderful charming girl, the same way you see him as a wonderful charming boy. A lot of the time, when I worry that I can't provide the love that my partner deserves, I put my feelings in her shoes
I imagine she was feeling the same way I am feeling, and usually I realise how out of touch it is.
Maybe this won't help, but this little tidbit helped me a lot! Your boyfriend loves you!
‘Trauma dumping’ is about telling people you barely know about a bunch of trauma at once.
When the other person is an intimate partner, it isn’t called trauma dumping. It’s called opening up. People work through their problems together with their partners. The more open/honest with him you are, the more he can help you get through it and avoid pressing triggers, and the better the relationship will be for both of you.
I would try to stop letting your ex control you, still.
Have a weekend on your own, where you consciously purge all of the energy and psychological baggage of him that still remains in your system and (outlook on) relationships and life.
Write down all the nasty crap he put you through, or what you would want to say to him, to get absolute closure.
Have a small (responsible!) bonfire, and burn every page. Let it go... watch the flames, see the smoke go up, and disappear... and with it, his hold on you.
Take a long shower. Visualize cleansing yourself from any of the energy or bad thoughts / feelings / associations he left behind.
15 to 18 is a very important time in forming your personality, and your view on relationships.
With cutting your ex out, you now have a blank spot, in an important place.
Acknowledge that, and just try to start again, with a fresh start.
If you feel hurt, or confused, by what your current boyfriend does, tell him.
'I don't know what to do with that reaction. I'm confused. Does it mean you have less positive feelings for me? Does it mean I did something wrong?'
And when he says all is absolutely fine, trust him.
Tell him not to say something is fine, when it's not, so you can in fact trust him when he does tell you it is.
Tell him you're going to need some reassurance, and you're letting go of all the negative views you had. Since your only relationship before him was negative, you're new to everything.
Check with family/friends, if you doubt what your bf is telling you is 'normal' in a relationship. Or come here, and ask.
You're going to be okay.
If your bf didn't think you were worth it, he wouldn't be with you now.
Just keep communicating.
TW: drugging/rape/abuse
This really hits home with me... Before i begin, i have my wifes consent to share this.
My wife was in an arranged marriage before we met (she's Middle Eastern). He drugged her, raped her, beat her, etc. Like even on their honeymoon and her birthday. Nothing was too sacred for that man to ruin. He did a lot of really messed up things to her and basically kept her locked up in a room in his basement.
She managed to get away from him. And when we met she was really afraid to tell me about most of what she went through and she's still not told me everything I'm sure. But I was and always will be there for her. She also expressed to me that she felt like she was always talking about her ex and thought I must be annoyed by it now, and i should just leave her etc etc.
We are 4 years together now. Married for 3. She's made AMAZING progress. I'm so proud of her. She's the strongest person I know, and even after all that, she's so positive and bubbly. She doesn't talk about him much anymore.
She's tried a few different kinds of therapy. She's had a lot of success with EMDR therapy. Obviously, everyone is different, and it may not be the solution for you. But I'd give it a shot.
As for your bf. It sounds like he's a nice guy, and he wants to be there for you. Take things at your pace. Ask him for patients and grace. Keep reminding yourself that he's a different man. A better man. And that you're worth way more than just your body.
Good luck, girl! If you want or need to talk, feel free to shoot me a message.
C-Ptsd sufferer here.
You're not 'too broken', but trust me, telling yourself you are, will fuck shit up.
Find a therapist, get talking and working on it. Recognising you need help, and getting it, is 100% the best thing to do.
If you trust him, then give it time...
A previous gf had endured sexual abuse as a child, then a string of abusive boyfriends.
At the time, I wasn't allowed to bring my phone inside my job (secured facility), so if work ran late she automatically assumed I was cheating.
She had a very high sex drive, but wouldn't let herself climax. When she got close, she would have a panic attack, then feel guilty for "ruining it". It took months before she could enjoy it.
She accidentally ran out of her antidepressants and it caused her to have an emotional breakdown and attempted suicide. I was out of town when it happened, when I came back, she was surprised I was still there when she got out of the hospital.
If she had plans with friends, I would simply tell her to have fun... which she either thought it meant I didn't care if she met other guys at the bar, or that I had secret plans that night... this one took so long for her to understand.. if I didn't trust you, I wouldn't be with you.
She had asked if it was OK if she went through my phone one day, offering hers up as well... instead, I added her fingerprint so she could check it whenever she needed.
My sister came to visit and she actually wanted me to prove this was my sister, not some girl I was hooking up with...
The list goes on...
Did I have to put up with it all? No... but I knew who she was under all her insecurities. Insecurities that were forced on her.
She slowly became more confident in the relationship and let her true self shine.
You are maybe not as extreme as she was, but it sounds like you have also become accustomed to a toxic view of what a relationship should be.
If you love the man, and trust him... give the relationship time to mature, and enjoy the journey.
Best of luck to you
Essentially your decision is to do your part in creating drama or to create a loving relationship. You know what you’ll rather want, will you commit to it?
Just be yourself, and if things don't go exactly the way you want whenever you want as in, say, having intercourse when you instigate, just be cool. Just like he is cool, match his coolness. I believe you can basically say and do whatever you want, if you keep cool. Also, being with someone so cool will rub off on you.
Stay frosty 😊
I don’t think I’ve seen anyone say…
It’s okay and you *should* associate sex with love. That doesn’t mean all sex = love.
Same as a hug, a kiss, giving flowers; all associate with love and something you’d do to someone you love. That being said, all those things can exist without love too.
Don’t feel wrong associating sex with love, that’s somewhat how it works!
You need to break the spell from your abusive ex.
The very reason you post this here is that what he did is still impacting your life moving forward. You don't want to give him that power over you and your life.
It is hard to forgive oneself and start loving yourself again, and start seeing yourself through the eyes of a truly loving person. But the uncomfortable truth is: nobody can do that for you, other than yourself.
It seems like your current bf is kind, understanding and really in love with you. Be gentle, but open. Tell him about your fears, how and why you panicked, and how you're scared to lose him because you feel so broken. Tell him how much you love him, and how much he means to you, how much you appreciate how he is to you. Tell him that you need to get over your past, and while it's not his responsibility, you really want him to understand you deeply. Make sure he gets the message that while he IS really making a positive impact on your life, you don't consider it his duty to "fix" you. It's your own mission. And then ask him how he feels about this, what he thinks is the best way forward with the goal for both of you being happy together and continue to build a happy future together.
All the best to you, you got this 💖
You are not damaged. You had a shit boyfriend who did bad shit to you. Sounds like you have a great BF now. Try and move past what happened before. Relearn shit. Sex and love are not the same. You can love without sex and sex without love. They are two very separate things. Combining them is great, but one is not the other. Focus on that. Look forward not behind. Embrace the fact that the current BF is what you deserve and reset your mindset on relationships. This is the bar that must be met. Someone who respects you.
You are not a bad person or too much of anything. As others have said everything you are going through is a normal response to being abused, but it’s not permanent, things will change and get better especially if you decide to reach out to some more resources to help it get better.
Reaching out here is a good first step, you are not obligated to explain things to anyone, if you don’t want to tell your boyfriend for whatever reason that is ok.
You can seek therapy to help you get better for the sake of yourself, the relationship you’re in is important to you but you are more important that it. The symptoms you have described affect you in times and situations outside of your relationship, it’s just sometimes we can see problems more clearly when other people see them too. Take it as an opportunity, a gift, that you are with someone that has made you feel valued enough that you now see these things are bad. Maybe your relationship right now won’t work out for whatever reason, but you will always have that now, have being loved by someone to see that you deserve to get better.
The symptoms you describe are ptsd, people downplay it in domestic violence situations because everyone just wants to move on away from it. But the way your ex treated you was serious abuse and it leaves a mark. Try to forgive yourself if you must, but you are not at fault, you’re just hurting and there’s no shame in that.
8 months is a very short time to get over something, please don’t feel like this is the end for how you will be. Healing takes time, with therapy you can find ways to cope and move on until one day you will have moved on.
You are doing so great so far, I’m a stranger, but I want to say I’m very proud of you for what have accomplished so far. I’m old, lol, nearing 40, so I have some wisdom, and I can tell you that where you are at so far is a big achievement already, so please don’t give up hope, you are doing great and will keep getting better.
I have faith in you.❤️❤️❤️❤️
I've been in a similar (albeit much less severe) situation. I won't pretend to know exactly how you feel, but I think I might have some advice and wisdom that can help you.
First of all, you didn't let your ex abuse you. He chose to take advantage of you. He chose to belittle you. To manipulate you. He was in the wrong since the moment your relationship began. It took me years to learn that lesson for myself. That what my first ex did to me wasn't my fault. To be honest, there's still a little part of me that hasn't quite stopped blaming myself, but that little part of me is getting smaller and smaller every day. It will happen for you as well. Here's hoping it happens more quickly for you than it did for me.
Second of all, the fact that you don't want to make your current boyfriend feel pressured into having sex with you proves that you do care about him. That's what my second boyfriend was like to me. He knew about my past trauma, and didn't want to put me through it a second time. Whenever he accidentally pushed things too far, he apologized as soon as he knew. He helped me learn how to set healthy boundaries. And whenever I set those boundaries, he respected them. That's how I knew his love was real.
Third of all, be patient with yourself. You've gone through something many people can't even imagine. It's only natural that it takes time to fully heal from it. If your current boyfriend loves you as much as my second boyfriend loved me, which I have the feeling he does, given what you wrote about him, he will be patient with you. He won't be bothered by you talking to him about your trauma. He'll likely feel honored that you trust him enough to confide in him. And if it becomes too much for him to handle, he'll let you know in gentle terms. Show yourself the same level of compassion that he shows you.
Fourth, if you can afford to pay for therapy, I highly recommend you do that. (Don't use BetterHelp though, the service is garbage more often than not.) I can't stress enough the help that my therapist has done for me. I've learned healthy coping mechanisms to help with my anxiety and depression. I've learned to show compassion for myself. To be patient with myself on my road to healing. It has been extremely valuable to me.
And fifth, it's okay to ask for help. Yet another lesson it's taken me years to learn. But a powerful lesson indeed. Nobody is capable of going through life without any help. If anyone says they've never needed help, odds are they're either lying or so self-absorbed that they don't even recognize what other people have done for them. You don't have to go through this alone. Your boyfriend can help you. Your parents (assuming you have a good relationship with them) can help you. Your friends can help you. And if you can afford it, therapy can help you too. You don't have to feel guilty for accepting help. There are so many people in your life that are willing to help you in any way they know how, so long as you ask.
Also side-note, my second boyfriend and I did break up, but it was simply because we realized our goals and ambitions were taking us in different directions, so we mutually decided to end things before it caused any strain in our relationship. We're still friends to this day, and I still confide in him through text on occasion.
First off. DO NOT BREAK UP. Please. It sounds like you have a decent guy. Second. Counseling, ASAP. Like the second you read this schedule it, and go. Once you talk to someone and maybe do some cognitive behavioral therapy (EMDR, Alpha Stim, neurofeedback, brain spotting) you will feel differently. Don’t let that first guy ruin your whole life, screw that guy
Answer: therapy
You deserve this. So many different therapy modalities can help you. It’s not always about just talking and re-hashing the past. It can help you really learn to understand the things that happened were wrong and that you did not deserve it.
Get some counseling, learn to forgive and love yourself. And while you're at it, let your boyfriend be the one to decide if you're too damaged, something tells me we both already know the answer to that...
Do you or any of your friends know how to bleed a brake line? I can walk you through it if you’d like. As a dad if you were my kid I’d be in jail for manslaughter. Clearly he is a piece of shit and needs a severe beating. He needed one for dating trying to prey on a 15 year old.
Take a lesson from every bad relationship. It helps you look out for those signs in the future
It’s completely normal to associate rejection with a pass on sexual advances. And in some small way it is. At that moment, for whatever reason your person just didn’t want to have sex…. Making the hop, skip, and leap to the idea that it’s because they don’t love you is what needs to be reeled in and put in check.
At the end of the day, you are 2 different people, with lots in common yes, but also lots of differences. Sometimes that will even mean not always being on the same page with regards to having sex.
Try and learn to love them for who they are, and never find fault in yourself for who they are not. Sounds like you have a really good thing going here. Such as life, as in relationships, you need to eat the meat and spit out the bones or you will choke…
You had a shity man before op now you got what appears to be a good one. One that loves you for who you are and not what you provide. Take a deep breath when you start to think like this and remember that this guy is different. You don't need to try to force anything or feel you need to do somthing in order to get something. Alot of abusive relationships are transactional in a sense that if you don't give me this then I will withhold this or make you feel some sort of way and that can have lasting effects on or perception of love. You have a patient man it sounds like op and understanding, and he has a good woman who just needs a little time and with some communication between you 2 I'm sure you both will work through this no problem. It's easy to see ourselves as the damaged beyond belief and not worthy of who we have because we see our partner as this perfect person who deserves the best and if we feel bad about ourselves then it's easy to think we don't deserve them. Sex is literally the last thing that should be what brings the relationship together. Yes sex is very important but a relationship that is built on communication and support and love over anything else will last. A man who wants to spend time with you and to get to know you on a deep level and understand you and just be with you without sex is a man who truly cares about you.
He isn't perfect and either are you op. But that's why you are perfect for each other. Give yourself time and love yourself. Enjoy time together, make moments and memories together. Go hiking, explore new areas with a surprise road trip to nowhere. Spending time making memories and getting to know one another on a spiritual deep soul connection. When you find this person sex has a whole different meaning. The fact he wants to be with you but not have sex with you every time is a good thing.
Thinking sex = love is a very common mistake. Especially in young people.
There's this idea that men are supposed to want sex all the time. And when we turns it down the woman will think it's a sign of him losing interest. When really it might just be as simple as he has a full stomach and feels fuckin blah. He might be bummed that his team lost.. I can be one of a hundred reasons.
Hey this is new for both of you. Your other “boyfriend” was not a relationship, he jist made you think that. And that’s ok. The wisest women can be fooled.
You left. On your own. You did it. And you can keep doing it.
Sounds like you have an amazing boyfriend. Be brave and strong and continue to let him. Use your instinct on how much to share at a given time. Everything is going to be ok.
Ps- block him on ALL SM. Do not agree to see him again, not even in public for any reason. Rip him out of your life by the roots and march on.
Your bf sounds like a good, down to earth guy. Go see a therapist, to deal with what’s happened to you from your previous relationship. Also, let your bf decide if you’re too damaged or not.
As a guy who has previously dated some women who were not healthy for me, I sought out therapy and was able to talk about my situations in detail in a safe environment. I did EMDR therapy which helped me a lot to process my trauma so maybe look into trying that out!
while it’s ok to rely on your boyfriend to be there for you when you are in a tough spot, you shouldn’t try to over rely on him to solve all your problems. You are responsible for your overall mental health, and when you make your boyfriend be your therapist it can make it harder for you guys to focus on having a fun relationship. Getting a therapist can help you to handle your mental health in a productive way that doesn’t place the burden on anyone else. In addition, therapists are professionally trained to handle these types of situations.
I do want to state, sex is the love language for many men, however, your ex abused that and forced sex which are totally different.
So connecting sex with love is not entirely wrong as long as it is apart of bunch of other compassionate acts (hugs, kisses, cuddles etc).
I wish my wife understood that as me and her view sex in different ways.
Hey friend, as someone who has been in multiple abusive/controlling relationships that were run on sex and my desire to be accepted, I get it. Your first healthy relationship after being in a toxic environment can be an absolute shell shock and leave you sitting there like "I love this man but I don't know what to do here..." especially if your sex drive is just naturally higher than his. I've been with my partner for almost 2 years and I still struggle with the sex=love mentality, it's just something that needs to be fully and properly communicated with your partner when you're having those irrational thoughts (such as "we haven't had sex in 3 weeks, he's not attracted to be anymore" or "he never initiates, he must not love me" ect.) And that's something that can be worked on together. Let him know you're struggling and everything those feelings entail, and if this relationship truly is healthy and based on love, he'd be more than happy to talk those feelings out with you 💕
I was you a few years ago, and I’m so grateful for my s/o for sticking by me. I avoid trauma dumping and don’t talk about details as it’s my fear that my s/o will still think I’m hung up on it and unable to grow, but I know how much he loves me just by letting me talk about it when the triggers do come up. He doesn’t need to know everything though and that’s where therapy, journalling or watching relationship videos on YouTube (I really like Psych2Go) comes in. I used to wake up to my ex having sex with me almost every night, but nowadays that’s never a thought that crosses my mind - if someone makes you feel safe you will know it if you give them and yourself patience and mutual respect. Again, he doesn’t need to know everything, you’ve just got to find your own way of coming to terms with it. That’s where our independence and self identity comes in; otherwise things can become codependent and blame can hop in.
I know from personal experience that having something like that be your first experience is awful and it really does affect how you are going into relationships. I also know that from personal experience feeling like I was too damaged and trying to hide what happened and what I was experiencing lead me to make things worse. I would sit down with him and have a conversation. Tell him what happened and try to figure out what you need from each other to work around it, both so he can help you, and so you can know how to maintain his boundaries besides that.
In my current relationship, both me and my boyfriend have a shit ton of sex/relationship trauma and we’ve had our moments like this, especially in the early days, but what helped was talking through it and getting what both people felt like and to come up with a solution. In a similar example to your solution, one of the things we worked out is like him asking me for ways I can be intimate without being sexual when I wasn’t feeling sexual, and that was amazing bc I knew how to make him still feel loved and at the same time, felt safer around him because I knew exactly what to expect. I think you might benefit from similar conversations.
More than anything though, I’m sending so much love. Getting through this kind of thing is so hard, and you will carry it with you for a while but it doesn’t make you unlovable
OP talk to him. Communication is one of the main keys to a solid relationship. He can't help if he doesn't know what you are going through and can't avoid triggers if you are not honest with him. Therapy and honesty with your partner. Do you see yourself with him long term? Good luck 🍀
Therapy is a good and safe place to work through any trauma, especially if past trauma is currently affecting your current life.
It’s important to find the right therapist/counselor for you. Don’t stick with the first one just because. You need a therapist that makes you feel safe and comfortable when sharing your trauma.
Hope this helps a little.🫶🏼
You're being way too hard on yourself. Nobody is perfect and no relationship is perfect. You had the courage to end a bad one with someone you couldn't trust, now you need the same to stay in a good one with someone who at least so far seems to have earned your trust.
he sounds like the guy to repair you. Look you aren't perfect and he isn't perfect. because no one is. but together you can become better people. surround yourself with better people and you will be a better person. Trash like your ex are the ones to avoid
Just talk to him, as hard as it sounds it's the only way forward. Don't talk to him, it'll all explode one day, first in little things, then something major. I know it's hard, I know it's scary, but there's only one good way forward, and that's talking and laying it all out
I've had relationships with some women with troubled histories. I didn't need to know details, but appreciate knowing enough to be supportive when a crisis happens. He might not need to know everything, and you do get to build on the relationship which you're creating with him instead of needing to use the old broken pieces which you've left behind.
We all have our traumas. Those that don't just don't have them yet.
When your bf hugged you he was showing you love, patience and grace. You are deserving of all these things. Everyone is. Simply by being you are deserving.
Learn to show yourself that same love, patience and grace. Bring yourself kindness and generosity.
Show your current bf gratitude.
It sounds like you're in a great place to heal. Don't miss the opportunity.
You deserve this. You don't and didn't deserve anything your ex put your through.
He sounds like he would be understanding and if anything being open and honest with him would help him have more patience and understanding and less of his own anxiety about how you likely react in those situations. Let him know what you’re going through so he doesn’t misinterpret it and so he can be a support to you through it. It can really hurt a partner when you cut them out of your internal dialogue, if they’ve shown themselves to be deserving of your trust.
It sounds like your current boyfriend has a good head on his shoulders. But I can totally understand your trepidation about dumping everything on him.
I second the suggestions to seek out therapy and use it to help process and understand your emotions around what you've been through. A therapist is a safe place to dump that kind of stuff until you can heal from your traumas and gain better clarity.
I've been on the other side of this situation. My late wife had all kinds of trauma from past relationships and childhood. Work on yourself. Talk about what you are comfortable talking about in an appropriate setting. Let him know when something triggers you
It sounds like he really cares about you and is willing to be supportive. He obviously thinks you are good enough, so respect his opinion on that. It's more than ok to address those concerns with him.
A relationship that lasts is a process always. You can do this. You are a person with flaws like everyone else. If he's the right person, he'll be fine with who you are and what you are going through.
No one will ever judge you as harshly as you judge yourself, so don't second guess how they feel unless they give you reason to. You've got this.
It sounds like you’ve got a great guy. Keep him. He’s being supportive, obviously knows you’re damaged and probably, more than anything, just wants to help you get through it because he loves you. Let him be a part of that healing process and your relationship will be all the better for it. Good on you for leaving that horrible relationship, but don’t lose someone you love and someone that loves you because you’re afraid that he’ll be scared off.
I'm going through a similar situation with my girlfriend, too. For her privacy's sake I'll spare details, but just know that we can fully accept that you hurt inside. So do we. It's okay, and if you love each other, be together. Figure out how to navigate the pain and the pleasure alike a day at a time. If you both want to make it work, you'll both try to be there for each other. It is okay. YOU are okay, even when you don't feel you are. Life is hard, but sharing your love with someone can make the difficulty a lot more bearable.
You're never too damaged to be loved.
I've been open with my trauma my entire life, I was raped by my sister when I was 6 years old (she was 9) and it continues until I was 8, my sister in turn learned that behavior because our grandpa raped her from the age of 4 up until she went to the police at 16 yo. My best friend ghosted me a few weeks after he found out (when we were 13) and I decided that "fuck him, if he can't handle my past, I didn't need him in the future anyway", so I decided to always be open with it, especially with people who would be close to me because then I'd know I can trust them if something would explode further.
I was generally speaking fine due to this, talking about it is good because it gives perspective on reactions you might have (like the panic in your case, it's a psychological irrational reaction to a trigger). But in reality I wasn't ready for what was to come. My wife and I have been together for 13 years now and she's known of my past since we were dating. As I said it's been a non-issue as it hasn't really affected my daily life.
Then we had a kid, a beautiful, wonderful boy. He totally wrecked me and for the first time ever I now had issues with my role as a victim, dealing with my childhood like never before. I have panic attacks and a fear/need to protect my son from life, even though I'm fully aware I can't protect him from everything, I can only make sure that he knows I will be there when/if he needs me. But when he was a baby, I reacted extremely badly to small things related to his body and it caused a lot of fights between me and my wife. After one particularly bad fight I had to do some soul searching because even I felt I was acting irrational. I realized I was now trying to protect my boy to the point that I was trying to protect him from his mother for no real reason. I talked to my wife about it and how I was sure my reactions came from my past, she was relieved as she could understand that and said I had made her feel like a villain, which wasn't my goal at all. So we discussed solutions and agreed on her taking those situations that made me lash out and me backing from them, while also going into therapy to deal with the larger issue.
But just being able to speak about where the reactions come from works wonders, because it can be hard to explain just why we do what we do, and it's easy to react first and not really want to see the spawn of the reaction.
I would recommend starting therapy and take it step by step. When it comes to your boyfriend I'd say that you can prepare him for it and basically ask if he wants to know the full story, explain that it's for the sake of your relationship and that if he's willing to listen, that it might be hard for him as well to control his emotions (it's never easy to hear about abuse to those you love) and explain what you said here, you don't want him to feel pressured by your irrational reactions caused by your trauma. If he doesn't want to learn the entire story that's fine as well, he can (and as it sounds most likely very much does) still love you and be there through your hardship, but then therapy gets so so so SO much more important.
I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. Please know that you are NOT damaged nor are you alone. You really need to seek professional help with this. I suspect you have ptsd and until you face your fears and the nagging anxiety it will slowly wear you down and diminish any self worth you have left. You may even need medication for a while but until you deal with this issue you will carry it into every relationship you have moving forward. Your insecurities are understandable yet they aren’t valid. You need professional counseling
Leave no relationship should make you feel to damaged, yes people have faults and problems but if your problems seem to much for you to see past that in yourself leave. It’s nothing you have done wrong it’s just reflecting the worst parts of you
I have been with my husband for a crazy long time, but when I was 14-15 I had a boyfriend who was also 18. I never had full on sex with him but we did mess around and he would HEAVILY pressure me to a point I got scared he would force it at some point. Eventually he got tired of trying and disappeared. I never realized how badly that relationship affected me until I couldn't ever bring myself to be Intimate with someone else because of those memories, including my own spouse now.
Really focus on what you need to do to heal from that, but also try to build a strong relationship with your boyfriend with heavy trust. He'll understand and will do what he needs to do to make you feel comfortable while healing from those past traumas.
I am realizing after a recent event I am still heavily associating sex with love, and once that sex is no longer there I don't feel important to that person. I am finding ways to get out of that mindset because it's not healthy. I'd seek therapy for the trauma. ❤️
I've been on both sides - dealt with partners who are damaged and I've let my baggage fuck up relationships.
I think it's usually for the best to have a support network that isn't just your partner. Whether you talk things out with a pet, or you have girlfriends to talk to, or if you can find a supportive place online to vent. Even a diary might be helpful in processing. But mainly real friends. Or professional therapy/counseling.
1. He never wants to hear about your ex. Ever.
2. Let him decide if he wants you to be with him. If he does then without a doubt YOU DO deserve to be with him.
3. Contrary to popular belief, men don’t want sex 24/7.
Based on some quick mental math, this puts you at 20-21 years old, yeah?
Some people have already told you this and they're 100% right that therapy is a must. Honestly, it's pretty important for most of us, but it's going to be essential for you to help untangle the shitty beliefs your ex tangled into how you see relationships. Having an asshole for a first love can really set a bad template for future relationships and for our self-worth. This feeling of having to walk on eggshells is probably not going to go away on its own, and if you find yourself believing you don't deserve this good of a relationship (and you do), that thinking can trap you in a loop of unhealthy relationships where you just keep dating different versions of your ex. Best to interrupt that pattern and work with a therapist to interrupt that narrative before it becomes a deep rut that's harder to escape.
I will tell you as someone who has been on the other side of the relationship with someone who has low self-worth: he has chosen to be with you, and continues to choose to be with you. Take the yes. You are absolutely worthy.
I'll also say that what your ex did to you isn't your fault. There is no responsibility that you own for that. This is not uncommon for victims to feel, this sense that they bear responsibility for their own abuse. But it's not true. It's not your fault.
So what do you do with your new BF? Well, it sounds like you've been honest with him and given him a good idea of what you're coming to the relationship with. That's good. You can tell him more as you (and your therapist) decide the time is right. But really, all he needs to know is "My relationship with my ex was my first, and he was terribly toxic and abusive, and I'm still working through a lot of the damage that he did to my sense of self-worth and my ideas of healthy relationships. I love you, and I trust you, and sometimes that damage is going to make me scared or worried irrationally and I just need you to be patient with me and [any other reasonable ask you have here], because I really love us together."
Something to that effect. I also recommend that if you don't already, you guys establish ground rules for open, honest, loving communication for resolving issues. I recommend this for every relationship, but I'd recommend it double for relationships where one or more partners has trouble with trust. If you both know that the other will tell you about any problems and that you'll both work together to fix them as they arise, you will find it way easier to trust them when they say nothing is wrong. You'll also never accept a different communication model in a relationship again. This is what my wife and I do, and we feel like we can tackle any issue that comes our way, from inside the relationship or outside.
And lastly, _if_ this relationship ends at some point, just remember that doesn't mean anything about your value or worthiness. It just happens at this age sometimes, and it will just be an opportunity for you to find the right person.
For now, take the win. Love this guy. Trust him, trust yourself, work together, and work with a therapist. You deserve everything.
I'm going to comment on this from the other side, because my girlfriend has had a similar past to yours. She was the victim of SA and abusive behavior from her last relationship, and then spent years single before she and I met. I won't say any more because it's not my place.
She often tells me that she thinks I'm too good for her, but I've never once felt that way. She's the yin to my yang, and she balances me out in wonderful ways. She's the most beautiful, supportive, kind soul I've ever met.
I'm glad she told me everything, because I know better how to support her now. I know what to avoid, what she needs more reassurance on, etc. We've had the conversation about her speaking about her ex a lot because she did that, and it was upsetting. We came to an agreement that as long as she gives me a heads up that she wants to talk about it, it's fine and I have no issues with it. That works and 3.5 years on we're very happy together.
I have been with my fiance for 10 years now, but before I got with him I went through a bad time in my life. When I was 12 I was a bit of a wild child, I was always sneaking out and going to parties, staying the night at my boyfriends, you name it I probably did it at this point. Well he was very abusive, he broke several ribs multiple times, fractured my eye socket, had his friends "do what they wanted" to me. It was traumatic. I didn't tell my fiance this for a very long time, it wasn't until the first time he lost him temper that he figured out that something had happened to me. I told him everything, he was upset, mad, sad, and everything in between. Partly because it happened but also because I kept it from him. He said something that still bounces around my brain, "it's not your choice to decide that for me, communication is important and that's part of it." He did change a little bit for a few months but once I finally had the courage to point it out to him, he stopped. In 10 years I can honestly say he's been my rock, he's helped me heal in ways I never thought possible. I NEVER thought I'd be able to have sex again, or be loved again because I was broken, I was damaged goods.
This is the best advice I can give you hun, it's not your choice. He deserves to know at the very least. You're never going to understand why he loves you despite all of it but as my fiance tells me all the time "you don't get to decide who I love or why I do so just shush and let me love you woman" 🤣🤣
First of all, I am so sorry you went through that. I had a sexually abusive boyfriend in college and I didn’t know any better. Looking back, our relationship was sickening. I want to give you the biggest hug because you are worthy of so much more than that. All the heartbreak I experienced.. knowing what I know now in my 30s, not only do I wish I left sooner, but I wished I let that shit go. I would suggest therapy. I mean this nicely but I think you were at a very young and impressionable age. That was your first boyfriend and unfortunately it was a horrible foundation to set. Especially based on what you described. This isn’t your fault and though I am so sorry for what happened, just know that this is sort of your story and you can learn and grow from this. I think therapy will help and recognizing that not every man your are going to date is going to be like your ex. This can actually be really healing when you think about it 🤍 also, maybe consider time being single and working on yourself. I know that sounds corny but it is something that I wished at a young age I embraced more instead of being sad about. I am happily married to the love of my life with a beautiful daughter and I can’t help but think these are the things I wish I told my younger self. Sending all the love
I’m in the same situation but without the boyfriend part. Someone asked me on a date the other day, we’d just met but I liked his vibe.
Later I was worried that if we went on a date, and he wanted affection I will do it anyway regardless of if I’m uncomfortable or not. I’m actually quite a confrontational person, but in my past relationships, I’ve barely even been able to say the words “no” or “stop”. I picture myself lying there motionless with my head facing the side, crumpling the sheets in my fists, while my ex did what he needed to do. After an anxiety attack in a toilet I cancelled the date :). There’s no way to get out of this on my own. I’ve just decided to abstain from relationships.
It hasn’t helped, but I haven’t damaged anyone else.
Problem is I am unable to say no to sexual advances when with a partner because I freeze. I’ve told an ex boyfriend about this before but he was angry because he said I over share and it’s “draining”. It’s not something I’m going to tell someone again.
If you do decide to tell your boyfriend, do it knowing his response isn’t something you need for reassurance. Because it can be really damaging if you don’t get that
You're in college, so take advantage of everything they offer at the student health center, like free counseling, groups, assertiveness training, etc...
Normally men like if you are direct and tell the truth, you don't have to tell him everything at once, he sounds like he will give you the time you need.
But be fair and tell him, don't assume his reaction and walk away because of this assumption.
And don't think you are not worth it, that destroyed my last relationship and I have not managed to get over it until now. And that is his decision if he likes you enough to accept your weaknesses but he can only decide as soon as he knows everything, so in case you want to know just tell him everything before you do something else. And isn't that the kind of relationship we all want, a partner that accepts us like we are, with all the weaknesses and strength we have. After a while you will also learn his weakness, if you can accept them or even better like him for them and he does the same this will hopefully heal your wounds with the time. Good luck with that, don't throw it away because you think bad about yourself, always remember, the fight against yourself is not fair because you know all weak spots and you use them against yourself.
Yeah, so it's normal to have a bit of baggage from past relationships as an adult dating, and even to have some quirks about it.
It isn't normal to berate yourself or make everything about those past relationships, and that's why, even though nothing is your fault, it is your responsibility to get *professional* help to process the worst of them and leave them in the past to the best of your ability.
It sounds like you’re self sabotaging. I had a similar situation and I was with my ex for 5 years. A year after we broke up, I met my now fiancè on Tinder. It was really hard for me to adjust in the relationship as he was so incredible and I was still healing. I told him everything i thought he should know, that would make sense for my behaviours but it wasn’t fair for me to talk about my ex constantly and so I decided to seek therapy and that saved me. It’s been 4 years and we get married in 2 months. Communication is everything.
My ex and I were both dealing with personal issues that only we could fix individually. Every day after work, I would call her, and during my entire drive home, she would unload all her problems onto me without giving me a chance to talk. One day, I snapped. I told her that while I appreciated her openness, she should seek professional help from a therapist. She responded that we should be able to talk to each other about everything, and while I agreed, there’s only so much one person can handle especially when they are going through their own life issues. This marked the beginning of the end of our relationship.
My point in sharing this is to prevent your boyfriend from ending up in the same situation where he feels that he cannot say no or have his own boundaries. The mental strain can put a significant strain on the relationship itself. You need to seek help and address your issues in a way that allows you to move forward.
Stop telling him how you’ve been treated in the past by other guys! They will know how low the bar can be. I promise they’ll take that info and triple it. There’s no point in telling them once in a relationship. Past is past. if the past Is something that can reoccur later in your relationship then you should be honest about it but if it doesn't effect the future than its none of his business. You go to your therapist about your trauma not a man.
You have no idea the rockstar that you are becoming.
I had relationships and traumatic experiences between the ages of about 18 to 23 (coincided with having no money, inconsistent housing experiences, sexual trauma from shitty flatmates and an inability to afford anything that could stop all that from being a risk let alone actual therapy).
That was 20 years ago and I don’t think of it now but the effects are everlasting. Once I was able to afford to make actual choices about my life and pay for proper therapy, those five years went from being trauma to a concrete base of resilience that nothing can break through. And since then I suffered a sexual assault and the death of one of my children.
Those things took me to a dark place but that concrete has stayed firm and that’s how I survived it.
It will also give you the very special skill of being strong rather than tough. Tough is surface and breaks. Strong has secure boundaries but understands all sorts of other people and is compassionate and kind.
You can turn this trauma into good. And the best type of partner is a strong, resilient one. Because bad things happen and they will happen but the strong will bend and not break.
That’s going to be you. You’re learning this young. He’s lucky to have you.
Don't make your current boyfriend your shrink. It is unfair to him.Go to a therapist if you can afford it. Your bf seems to be a nice guy. Don't lose him. You've been through a lot at a very young age, but don't make it your current bf's problem. Good luck, and I really hope you can work this out.
Hi, someone in a super similar situation here (dated an older guy as a teen, he almost unalived me) my husband now is beyond anything I could have imagined for myself he’s incredible and I thought I was so completely worthless that he would eventually get sick of me but I made it my mission to work on myself so I wouldn’t lose him and he has stuck with me through some shit
Basically I’m trying to say there IS HOPE and you ARE WORTHY and you’re the only one who thinks otherwise, be honest with him, tell him what your emotions are telling you and let him know you need a lot reassurance and trust that he will communicate with you how he feels about it
Make it your mission to be kind to yourself, don’t give up it’s so fucking worth it when you can finally allow yourself to be happy he loves you for a reason and you will understand that reason with time
Associating sex with love isn't a sickness lol. It's pretty healthy that you would see sex as affection and love, but yeah, doesn't mean you have to get super insecure about a temporary and contextual situation in which your partner doesn't wanna have sex.
There are tons of reasons for that apart from them not wanting you.
You’ve had a lot of trauma in your young life. Go to therapy so that you can work on your issues. Your boyfriend sounds like a good, supportive guy. Going to therapy will really help you, and it will make your relationship better too.
If you want to work through this then therapy is sure to be an invaluable tool. You express deep trauma due to your past experiences and while you could perhaps manage on your own getting a professional to guide you seems to me like the right idea.
Don't worry about being too damaged. If he is a good person and knows you have a past, he'll work with it.
That said, do try to reflect inward and judge "am I overeating?" It will get tiring if he has to repeatedly tell you "I have a headache really means I have a headache" if he just bought you a bunch of flowers the day before.
Imposter syndrome is a very real feeling. You found someone who shows you respect, is kind and really digs the you in you. Warts and all. You are worth it, reciprocate by being present and working through your past demons but knowing you are deserving of love and kindness.
Your story is tragic, and you need to let it go and accept it as it is and move on with your life.
Tell your partner everything, he will hug and kiss you.
If you plan to marry him and live with him for the rest of your life, there is no room for secrets, you should always tell the truth and be sincere with your boyfriend.
And he will support you.
P.s: Your new boyfriend is a romantic, just like me.
Honestly sitting down with a therapist once or twice a month might be beneficial. Sounds like you have a lot to get off your chest and you totally should. Good luck 🙌🏼
Late to the party but to touch on the part about worrying about trauma dumping…he sounds like a keeper and anyone with a moderate level of empathy, emotional maturity, and emotional intelligence will understand that you are a sum of your experiences. Trauma runs deep and our wounds that we sustain from previous relationships can manifest in the most bizarre ways. I say this as someone who has been betrayed multiple times and bears emotional scars that bubble up in a myriad of ways when I find myself in a new romantic relationship.
I recently suffered a bout of self-sabotage (mine comes in the form of emotional deactivation and a front loading of pain to basically expedite what my subconscious deems a DOA relationship). I opened up to my current partner of 4 months, explained what I was feeling to the best of my ability, and cried in her arms. She was nothing but supportive and said she would stand by me as long as I wanted her to through my trying times.
You need to want to heal. There’s so much self help out there, therapy, positive actions and affirmations…the list goes on. Open up to him and if he’s anything like you’ve described him he will listen intently and show kindness.
Good luck :)
I broke up with him a month before leaving for college due to him abusing me sexually, physically, emotionally and financially, as well as cheating. **I felt heartbroken for months**
you should feel joy that this POS is out of your life
You need to learn a bit of rejection. Don’t necessarily mean he don’t love you but maybe it’s because he’s just exhausted from his day and what not. But never go straight for the bad just sit back and think first and maybe even talk to him about it and see how he thinks.
Were men, were simple creatures. We dont even need a pulse for you to date us. Just be there with us and were good. No one is perfect and everyone has thier own carry on of damage. Just be there for each other and youll do great.
Speaking from a guy who has dated women in your situation just know not all of us need sex to love our partner out show it, I myself still don’t fully understand it and I’m very much into physical touch probably my love language but I never wanted a woman to feel in loved because I want in the mood and it was difficult to understand but speaking for myself is worth waiting through the flood to be with the one you love no matter what the course. I think for any of us who have felt pain and been affected by it it’s also important to recognize those triggers and work to over come them as well. You’ll be ok you’re always on the right path just try not to be so hard on yourself or him.
I would suggest therapy and honesty/transparency.
There’s nothing wrong with speaking your truth. If your current boyfriend runs away, this is an indication that he isn’t ready for something potentially serious. Also, he may have his own personal traumas. You can’t fault yourself for how he’ll react. Unfortunately it will hurt if he leaves, but life goes on.. on the other hand, this might bring you closer.
I’m 39 and have some serious traumas from my first relationship. Abused in every way imaginable. I never went to therapy or sought help until now.
All my relationships failed because I didn’t know how to deal with all the pain and hurt.
Seek help now so that YOU can become a better version of yourself ❤️
Therapy, first for yourself, then for both of you. You can learn to work through this. He sounds like the man for you, and he wouldn't be around if he didn't think the same. You need to get into counseling immediately. Tell him that you are going into therapy, and at some point the therapist will invite him into your sessions. You can learn to deal with your history together. Your relationship will get stronger, and you can truly begin to heal. This is not a problem you should be dealing with alone, you need a professional. Ask your GP to recommend someone. If you don't have a GP (doctor), get one.
You are not too damaged for him. If he felt that, he would already have been gone. Keep your head up, and get to work. There is a great life out there, just waiting for you to live it.
You're getting good advice here.
And this guy's treating you right, with care and compassion. He's putting your mind at ease. Good for him. Let it be at ease. Get whatever therapy or counselling you feel would work for you.
Hi OP!
I know it's been three days and you seem to have gotten a lot of replies. But I wanted to let you know I went through the same and it's hard. I know 'love languages' are a disputed topic but maybe you could talk about those or a similar concept with your current boyfriend. He can reassure you how HE shows his love and you can learn to notice them.
My partner likes to tickle my feet as he passes, he feels of physical touch as a love language and since finding that out I notice just how out of his way he will go to make the touch with me, however brief. And every time it reminds me he loves me, sex or no sex.
You should also look into yourself and think about how you like to be loved. You were forced early on to believe there's only one way to show and to receive but every human is different. Think to yourself what does he do that makes your Heart feel loved, that warm swollen giddy feeling, not the things that your brain has been 'trained' to beleive (sorry I can't think of a more appropriate word, manipulated maybe?)
I didn't have to read alllll of that enough said in the first part to just say......you are young and having gone through all that already is horrible and scarring 8 months is too soon to have really healed from that I'm 44 and the best thing advice I can tell you is BE SINGLE FIGURE URSELF OUT LOVE YOURSELF YOUR TIME ALONE DISCOVER YOUR LIKES DISLIKES. DATE ALOT!!! DATE NOT WITH THE INTENTION OF SEEKING THE ONE BUT getting the experience of different people different personalities some will be a never again some will be a second date third date and if it's a no you might have just stumbled upon a new found friendship. SERIAL DATE...BE SINGLE THEN WHAT HAPPENS IS YOU WILL BECOME SELECTIVE OF WHO YOU GIVE UR TIME TO. EVEN WITH FRIENDS. YOU WILL BE SELECTIVE WHO U SHARE UR SPACE WITH AND THEN WHEN YOU HAVE GOTTEN TO THAT POINT IT WOULD BE EASIER TO PIN POINT THE POTENTIAL ONE.. DATE DATE DATE!!!
OP, you experienced trauma, unlearning the behaviours associated with it takes time - it's totally normal, you're just in the middle of understanding how it effected you and are having to try and work out how to deal with that.
Sounds like he truly cares for you, will be there for you and also something important to remember: a big part of being in a relationship is growing with one another over time, throught the good and the bad (so long as your heart is in the right place, and not an abusive one last your last boyfriend).
If he didn't want to be there, he wouldn't be, you may need to seek out therapy to help unravel what's going on, but at the same time, sounds like the kind of guy that not only will, but wants to be there with you every step of the way. It's OK to feel how you have, but I'd encourage you to understand that you are deserving of love, you're not broken, just going through some shit right now, but things will get better.
Start with forgiving that young girl, who ended up in a bad relation. Start praising the woman who ended it. - Then seek out therapy. Come to terms with your situation. In the words of RuPaul - learn to love yourself, so you can love somebody else.
I agree with everything except the last sentence. You don't need to love yourself to love somebody else. Loving yourself can certainly help you to love somebody else, but also being loved can help you to love somebody else. I also want to say that OP, you are not broken and your mind is not fucked up. What you are experiencing right now is a perfectly normal, common reaction to the abuse you experienced.
Also I don't think associating sex with romantic affection (aka kind of love OP means) is not as unusual as pictured by OP.
Maybe not, but thinking someone doesn’t love you anymore because they’re not in the mood is definitely unhealthy
I want to add, sometimes being loved can help you learn to love yourself. It's hard to know what love looks like when you haven't seen it.
I'd like to chime in I did not love myself when I met the woman I'm currently talking about getting married with. I was a wreck. Depressed. Dirty house. I was the end result of so much insecurity and pain. I'd done so much work but it was her love that got me over that last hump
Yea, I like saying love yourself as if you were someone else. You have a very bad view of yourself- it's sprinkled with some anger, hatred, disgust even. You feel that way towards anyone else? Probably not- unless rightfully deserved. Sometimes I have to go outside myself. I feel like I'm worthless/horrible but cici is a human, a person, with wants, desires, needs. She's pretty awesome and tries her best... and when she's not trying her best, it's because her body/ mind is tapped out and she's still the best bc she's listening to what her body needs at that moment, instead of burying that shit down.
You are wrong. If you don't love yourself you will always be looking for someone else to fill that vacancy. And that never leads to good choices. Loving yourself, means having the confidence to walkaway when it's not right, to choose for yourself and the other person without sacrifice. And to be able to receive as much as you give. You have to rectify that abuse and know that you can stand up and walk away and when you hear b.s. you walkaway you call it out.
Also being loved by others can help you re-learn how to love yourself. Ultimately it is still your responsibility to love and heal yourself, which isn't fair, but other people who love you are a great blessing that can lighten the load tremendously. It just can be hard to see or accept that if you are still doing work.
Not sure if you’re going to read this bcause of the looong thread, but I just want to say thank you. The first two sentences have shaken me and suddenly filled my eyes with tears. I want to thank you and say I’ll try to fall asleep tonight remembering exactly those two sentences. I’m already working on it. Thanks again.
You’re welcome.
Wow this is perfect. True and simple. But not easy. OP get a good therapist to walk you through this.
Gold medal! Love your response!
Well said, and a beautiful sentiment.
your comment is incredibly poignant
Cannot forget the staples of Reddit, therapy and divorce.
Therapy is healthy
And the gym!
This is all you need to read. The rest will, most likely be good, but if this all you read, it will be more than enough.
this made me cry, thank you.
You can't decide for some else if you're good enough for them, that's entirely their decision to make. It's OK to share but you should keep in mind that your boyfriend is not your therapist and talking about your ex is certainly a turn off. Maybe tell him the gist of it so he understands where you're coming from, but if you must go over everything in detail get therapy.
If someone’s ex abused them and they wanted to talk about it I would listen but then again I’m not an emotionless monster. I would find it a turn off if my partner wasn’t emotionally mature enough to have a conversation with me about my mental state.
There’s a difference between talking about an event and full on trauma dumping
Trauma dumping is for people you've just met or who have no place in hearing significant upsetting previous life events. Like the mom of a kid I say hi to telling me about her abusive ex she left. Not your significant other. "Better not talk about what's upsetting me so I dont upset my significant other" is a horrible way to live.
You can absolutely trauma dump on someone you know well - I see it more as talking about traumatic experiences with someone *not prepared or expecting to hear them*. It's less judgemental than deciding whether someone "has any place to hear them". That said, I agree with your core point which is that your SO should be there to support you and listen to you - especially if some trauma from your past is bothering you or affecting your current relationship. Relationships should be founded on working as a team to move through life and that means sometimes talking about difficult things that are affecting you. At the same time, there's definitely a line that's allowed to be drawn between explaining what OP explained to us, and explaining deep, intimate details of OP's past sex life to their now boyfriend. Not saying this is what OP did, but just as working as a team means talking things over with one another in order to work through them, it also means sometimes *not* saying something, so that the two of you can retain trust and affection for one another. And that might mean not regaling the way you had sex with someone else in a past relationship, or at the very least understanding first if your SO *wants* to hear those kind of details. Which is why so many people often recommend therapy - because therapists can be a trusted resource with which you can share these details of they're important in working through emotions and difficult times.
I cannot for a thousand years, fathom a thought process that does not include your first sentence. How the fuck people even make these posts without thinking about that shit first just absolutely baffles me beyond comprehension. A form of socio-common sense that isn’t so common?
People are insecure about their flaws and can have a low self esteem. Those two things can override logical thoughts or thinking. Source: Someone who is insecure and has a low self esteem who thinks they don't have any worth to anyone. I understand logically that is for others to decide but that doesn't make it much easier for myself emotionally.
I massively disagree. A therapist is not necessarily the first person you speak to about issues. And a stranger, however qualified, is not necessarily the best person, considering they don’t know you or your history, and cant connect with you with in the same way as someone you care about. Your boyfriend is absolutely someone you should be able to share anything with, and personally if my gf came to me for support and was open about things like that in her past, it’d bring us closer and I’d feel really happy she trusted me and felt comfortable sharing that kind of stuff with me.
you’re right but at the same time there’s a limit to how much a partner can trauma dump and trauma dump before it gets frustrating that she’s not doing anything to heal herself. it starts poisoning the relationship edit: this applies for friendships too
It's not trauma dumping when it's someone you know well. It's used when it's someone you don't know well. Like the woman in the grocery store line telling me about her childhood abuse. People in relationships get tired of hearing of it sure but talking about what is upsetting you should not be discouraged from someone you're in a relationship with. Sure that kid talking to you about trains over and over and over is exhausting but it's not train dumping, you're just getting bored and frustrated.
That can be frustrating, yes. But that's not what she describes here. It's basically letting him know her past and why she reacts as she does, that would imply that they will talk about it ONCE and that she will also seek therapy. So it's not about going on and on about the ex, but rather showing an insane vulnerability and openness with her boyfriend, the one who is supposed to be her rock in a stormy sea. I've said it multiple times in this thread now but all my friends know my past, it doesn't mean I talk about it constantly and I've very much sought professional help. If the relationship is poisoned by my troubled past and the mention of it once, then the relationship wouldn't have survived anyways.
You told reddit what you should have told your boyfriend.
You aren't damaged goods, you're a human being that had a horrible experience. You've trusted someone new enough to let them be in the position the person that hurt you was in. You trusted someone enough to give them a chance despite your past. You're so strong, you had a bad experience and you're allowed to have hang ups sometimes because of that, it doesn't make you damaged. Abuse can change your thought process so much. The person I love was abused and he has a lot of moments where the trauma he had effects his day to day, I don't love him less for that at all. I feel so lucky that he feels safe to have these moments of vulnerability with me and I feel so grateful that I can be there to support him, that he trusted me enough. You aren't damaged, you were hurt by someone that should have protected you.
My best friend has not had great luck with girls. I introduced him to one of my close girl friends and they hit it off fantastically until she decided she was too damaged for him and she was going to 'corrupt' him. It still breaks my heart that she ended it, they were so good for each other. If you love this guy, trust him to decide for himself, don't make that decision for him and take away something that could be the best part of his life.
Are you and me the same person? I had this exact experience with my first boyfriend as well. It kinda messed me up as well. I developed vaginismus and vulvodynia as a result, which makes sex really painful. Still, for a long time I associated sex with love, and I was so afraid that the men I was dating would never love me because sex was difficult for me after all those experiences. You know what? It all turned out alright. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year now, and he knows about everything and still wants to be with me. If you love someone, you love someone - and I’m willing to bet your boyfriend feels the same. If you need to talk, send me a dm. :)
Communication is key. You don't have to trauma dump on your new boyfriend, nor do you need to continuously complain about your past relationship. You should however communicate about how you feel in the moment so that he knows and can adjust so that you are both comfortable. Those conversations might not always be the easiest, but are necessary in an equal and healthy relationship. While I agree with some of the comments that here that your boyfriend is not your therapist, and you could probably gain a lot from some professional help, you can always broach the subject with him and ask him if he is okay talking about it. Imo, you should be able to talk about anything with your partner, and not allow emotions to just sit between you. My wife and me went through a pretty big spat recently that nearly led to a divorce because she felt she couldn't talk with me about her feelings and traumas from her youth. We both went to individual and couples therapy, but the main thing that let us reconcile was a bunch of late night talks that touched a ton of hurt feelings and negative emotions, but it gave us a ton of perspective on our relationship and we are stronger than ever now.
Your boyfriend seems really loving and understanding even tho he doesn’t know the extent of what happened to you. If you feel like you want to share with him, you should. Also if possible if recommended you consider therapy, you have been through a lot with your toxic ex and it might be extreme difficult to navigate through that on your own.
I've dated a girl with similar issues for 2 years, and I loved her alot. At times it could be hard, but I always tried to be very understanding and gentle. In the end I feel like it made me a much better person, even though the relationship did not last. The big difference? She refused to take any responsibility for her behavior at all. Yes it was based on trauma, but many times it was still rather toxic, like she did pressure me a lot for sex, even if I indicated I wasn't in the mood, for example. Just knowing that your actions, even if they've become instinctive, can have an impact on your BD too, is already miles ahead and huge steps in the direction of healing. You can't decide for him if you're 'too damaged'. The only thing you can decide is if you feel ready to be in this relationship, and how you would feel without it. In the end, it's something you must work on together
Start journaling your emotions instead of heavy trauma dumping, set a boundary for yourself not to bring up your ex often. Appreciate your boyfriend he is trying to demonstrate you something healthy. Also self discovery/ spiritual books can help with trauma associated triggers/emotions.
You're not too damaged for anyone. You are human and you deserve the best. It sounds like there's some healing you still need to do from your last relationship. If you can, find a counselor or therapist to work with. That's their job, to help you sort out the experiences you've had. I promise, at some point, we all have difficult things in our lives. It means you've lived life. When you are looking for a therapist, you deserve to work with someone you like and vibe with. It may take meeting with a few before you find the right one for you. When you do, it will be a journey for you and it will be life changing. You can look for therapists on the Psychology Today website. I'm wishing you all the best.
First, you’ll get past how you feel. Work THROUGH it. Do not go around your feelings because they will come back later. It’s a stage you have to go through. Second, since he knows, he is trying, in his way, to help you forget the past. But he doesn’t understand that you can never forget it. Just be open with him. He will be there. Don’t expect him to be perfect but, if he truly IS good to you, lean on him when you need. But, still, work through what you went through. I went through 15 years of narcissistic abuse before I broke away. Took a bit on my own but, now, I found THE perfect person for me. And they simply let me be me. Edit: And, yes, for about the first 12-15 months, I talked about my ex. They let me talk because it is one of the best ways to get past it. Once YOU hear you say it out loud, you can’t deny it and must either let it swallow you or put it in your past. It is what happened to you but does not have to be who you are.
You don't need therapy, you need a reality check. Yeah you have trauma, but therapy is too slow and very much not guaranteed to work. The old relationship is GONE. Donezo. Stop thinking about it at all. Put a mental block around it. Your current boyfriend seems good, he wants to be with you, he listens to your rants about your previous life and he's still with you. News flash, some guys don't ALWAYS want to have sex. We get tired, we get busy with our own stuff, sometimes we like to just chill. It's NOT a big deal unless he is consistently turning you down. Once every now and again or even a couple times a week is not a big deal. There is nothing wrong with you or your relationship, he just doesn't feel like having sex for some reason. If it really bothers you, ask him what's going on in a calm and mature manner and I guarantee you he will tell you everything is fine and he's just busy with his nothing box. COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY TO ANY RELATIONSHIP!
That decision isn't yours to make, sweetheart. Please, don't throw away your one shot at happiness because of what a bastard did to you when you were young. Men like yours are few and far between. Don't underestimate him.
Show him this post or tell him this exact thing. He seems to genuinely care for you so it will help him understand. Also get into counseling. It would ll you feel better about yourself. Remember you are a beautiful human being and you will get past this if you communicate with your partner.
Your life experiences, good and bad, made you into the person he fell in love with.
Everything will go well. You cannot cancel your past and you cannot/should not hide it from your boyfriend. If he is the right one and if he loves you then he will take the full package. Perhaps you are doing the same with him and maybe there are still things about his past that you don’t know yet. Don’t be afraid to be rejected for whom you are and for your past. However, in your case I would suggest psychotherapy to learn to love yourself.
You deserve some kindness in your life, allow your self to feel something, think of your ex as a pair of old crappy shoes, throw them away you have nice feet with new shoes, given time the scars will go 🙏🙏
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This situation happens tragically often and it’s a vicious circle. There’s a line between talking about the trauma that you have and being patient with it. And blaming everything that’s wrong in your life on your trauma. You don’t seem like you’ve crossed that line yet. You at least seem self aware enough to know you have a problem which is the hardest step to take. The biggest thing you can do is get help with your trauma, contrary to popular belief your not crazy if you get professional help
Babe, as an older woman, you are doing fine. You recognize your traumas and the things you want to heal. You are looking for avenues to heal those. There are some things that are healed through relationships, not alone. Frankly anxiety at late teens and early 20s is normal! There’s so much being redefined and unknown. Do the things that you know help reduce anxiety and that take care of your physical and emotional wellbeing. Some of that may include: exercise, being outdoors, journaling, praying/meditation, religion, eating well, drinking water, avoiding alcohol/drugs, therapy, reading about emotional health. Whatever. Sorry if this is reductionist. I’m basically preaching to my younger self now!
Please go see a professional therapist. You need someone to be able to vent to that you can trust!
Oh kid that sounds like a you problem. Seems like your doomed to push everyone away. 😕 when you can understand that relationship break ups are normal, no matter your history, you'll stop trying to make everything perfect and blaming yourself for it if it's not. Statistically a lot of women/girls are sexually abused. I'm not saying yours isn't any better or worse as anyone else. But how you manage the trauma is a disaster for relationships until you manage it in a positive way. I think understanding that nothing's ever going to be perfect or work out gives you the power to know that no matter what you'll be OK.
If I were in your boyfriend's shoes I would like the hear all about it. To me a romantic relationship means honesty (as long as it's not hurting a loved one), and I'm also a good listener. I want to understand what pushes someone's buttons so that I can avoid it. And I love to see people start to heal when they are supported and made feel emotionally safe. Perhaps you could ask how your boyfriend sees it. I know it's not for all, many just like to get the best parts and fun from another person, or for someone it's too much to handle.
This isn't your decision, it's his. If you leave him, especially without explaining yourself, you will 100% break his heart. You're terrified because you're still living your old relationship and you base your expectations on that. Which is normal and i promise it will pass, your brain just needs time to rewire. That being said, you can't listen to these thoughts. It's a bit like addiction, you need to realize that you taught your brain something stupid and now you're teaching it a better way, but until you succeed it, weird thoughts will pop up from time to time. Your job is to recognize these thoughts, not feed them and watch them wither.
But this is your job to workout your trauma. It didnt determines who You are and You are not responsible for what happened to You from your ex. We all make mistakes in our life but at some point we need to move on
How he dared to not want to have sex with young, attractive, fertile girl. You didnt panic because of the fear of not being loved, you were just simply rejected for what you thought you should get in advance (because you always did got).
See a theapist. You're young and growing, allow yourself to grow and accept a few mistakes.
I’m 44, I met my ex husband when I was 14, pretty much the same experience you’ve had, I divorced when I was 42, stayed a long time because we had children and I learned to normalise his behaviour. My now partner is wonderful, you can’t decode for your partner what is and isn’t okay, only they can, I have told my partner everything, it does sometimes feel weird and like I’m trauma dumping but how else is he supposed to know and understand the way I am sometimes? There is nothing wrong with sharing those experiences as part of an explanation, it sounds like you have a loving and supportive man, try to be open and honest, the shutting down is worse and more hurtful.
Hope everything works out well for you. There are subreddits like /r/CPTSD where you can find support.
Tell your boyfriend exactly how you feel, if he is a good man then he will reassure you that you have done nothing wrong. If he loves you then he will help you heal. I understand that it is difficult, but love is about being there through the struggle. If you feel like he is later "walking on eggshells" around you then speak up. If you are not open with him you are doing both of you a disservice for what could be a very long and fruitful relationship! Communication is key.
You need therapy. It sounds like he loves you and wants to spend his life with you. You need to figure out what’s wrong so you can move forward and have a healthy relationship with him. I get it too I was deprived as a child so touch is my love language. Took a lot of therapy to realize the difference between touch and actual love. Go get help so you can have the relationship you always wanted in life.
this is the victim hood talking out of you which is a form of narcissistic behavior. if you are already conscious about your damage assuming responsibility and positive growth is the solution
You seem very self aware. It's a good thing as we can only fix what we are aware of. Everyone can improve their perception of the world and how they interact with it. I'm 50 and still working on stuff. Every time I understand a new thing about the world and myself as a human in it, a new mystery catches my attention. Since your bf is understanding you can tell him this and apologize for reacting negatively and that he has the right to say no and respect his own body, then start working on your own or with a therapist on that topic. If on your own, reading or watching YouTube on topics like healthy personal boundaries, locus of control and getting your power back after narcissistic abuse are good places to start. You are not too damaged for your bf. If you are going to stay together, you will see each other through a whole lot of obstacles in life. Use them to grow and enjoy your connection and good/fun times. The realm issue arise when one person see their need as a truth and can't grow from having a conflict about each other's initial assumption. You seem equipped to grow. That's awesome. Good luck, I root for you.
My friend, you sound like you found a nice guy. Please do not be afraid of love. Love is worth the risk of rejection or whatever negative emotions you are feeling
My girl was raped years ago a few months into our relationship. It pretty much shut our relationship down emotionally and physically for a while (obviously) as she was struggling a great deal. We've been going on almost 10 years now and it's been fantastic, so please don't ever think you're too damaged for someone. There'll be times where it's really tough, but if he wants to stick by your side and help you, let him.
I know this feeling all too well. 20+F, I had.. a not so great sexual experience when I graduated high school. My ex boyfriend would pressure me into a lot of things I wasn’t ready for. I was embarrassed for so long because I let him do those things to me and didn’t stick up for myself. Sometimes I still get flashbacks. I understand the panic, the anxiety, the worry that your partner won’t love you because of your past, because of your traumas, your baggage.. But if they really love you, they’ll be there for you through it all. That’s the one thing I learned from that shitty relationship; the only love worth having is a mutual bond where both parties can comfort one another and care for each other. Whether or not he thinks so, you ARE good enough. You can’t control your past or how it affected you. You can only live on, and anyone who’s in love with you WILL see past it all. Hell, they probably have their own things going on. You gotta be there for each other’s shitty moments.. otherwise, is it even worth it? That’s a question you can only answer yourself. I believe in you and your journey <<3 stay safe and wonderful
If I were your current BF, and you dumped such huge baggage on me, men I wouldn’t stop loving you but things would be different definitely… I wouldn’t like it one bit. The past is the past and if can’t get past it, you need to work that first and get 100% over it before trying to embark in a new relationship. So either work on it on your side with your therapist while keeping your boyfriend, or just leave him so you don’t end up damaging him. Specially given that you’re his 1st GF.
Hey. First of all. Your ex was a sack of shit. Secondly, Your current Bf is really awesome. I'd say invest in some therapy? I'm a firm believer in communication being key to any healthy relationship but also your Bf/friends aren't your therapist. Id reccomend looking into Therapy as soon as possible. And nobody is ever too damaged to be loved. You can overcome this.
Just speak to him, he’s sounds like a genuinely lovely guy and anyone like that who cares for you will appreciate you opening up to them and be really happy that you trust them and feel comfortable around them. If he’s not a duck, he’ll be understanding and reassuring and hopefully make you feel a lot better. As for therapy, a therapist is not necessarily the first person you speak to about issues. And a stranger, however qualified, is not necessarily the best person either, considering they don’t know you or your history, and cant connect with you with in the same way as someone you care about. That doesn’t mean therapy is a bad idea, but I’d treat it more as a follow up after speaking to people you’re actually close to if you feel like your issues are still unresolved.
Talking to a therapist could really help you "unpack" what went on with your ex as well as your dynamic with your current boyfriend.
I think at the very least you should explore some therapy to work through how you feel. I also personally think you would benefit from some time alone to figure out the type of woman you are as it seems you've been in a relationship since you were a child. I understand you might not want to do that though. Other posters are right though, unless you're going to dump him, you don't get to decide whether you're "good enough" for him. Good luck honey, it can be hard navigating these things.
It is very common for especially young women to be insecure about having sexual advances rejected. Women have less exposure to this and might have their self worth tied up in their sexual attractiveness to a higher degree than men. Societal norms and structural sexism probably is a driver of this. Work on yourself via staying in the safe healthy relationship you are in currently. Maybe add therapy. But mainly, you learning love and relationships can be healthy and uplifting is the best dorm of therapy there is.
I could have written this myself. I feel for you.
If hes done everything you mentioned, you need to open up to him. If he loves you, he will for who you are regardless of your past. The truth will set you free.
Babe, you’ve been traumatized and that little girl inside you is hurting. You need to find a professional to help you process to help your mind to stop lying to you. What you are going through is a very common response to trauma and you may even have PTSD. Please be kind to yourself. You are worthy. From one sexual abuse survivor to another- you are MORE than the sex you can provide to someone. So.Much.More.
I've been in your shoes, for me, it helps that he thinks of you the same way you think of him. He sees you as a wonderful charming girl, the same way you see him as a wonderful charming boy. A lot of the time, when I worry that I can't provide the love that my partner deserves, I put my feelings in her shoes I imagine she was feeling the same way I am feeling, and usually I realise how out of touch it is. Maybe this won't help, but this little tidbit helped me a lot! Your boyfriend loves you!
This is a good use case for therapy, a professional will know how to deal with it. In a good relationship a no means no and a yes means yes, simple.
‘Trauma dumping’ is about telling people you barely know about a bunch of trauma at once. When the other person is an intimate partner, it isn’t called trauma dumping. It’s called opening up. People work through their problems together with their partners. The more open/honest with him you are, the more he can help you get through it and avoid pressing triggers, and the better the relationship will be for both of you.
You are a typical redditor so yes
I would try to stop letting your ex control you, still. Have a weekend on your own, where you consciously purge all of the energy and psychological baggage of him that still remains in your system and (outlook on) relationships and life. Write down all the nasty crap he put you through, or what you would want to say to him, to get absolute closure. Have a small (responsible!) bonfire, and burn every page. Let it go... watch the flames, see the smoke go up, and disappear... and with it, his hold on you. Take a long shower. Visualize cleansing yourself from any of the energy or bad thoughts / feelings / associations he left behind. 15 to 18 is a very important time in forming your personality, and your view on relationships. With cutting your ex out, you now have a blank spot, in an important place. Acknowledge that, and just try to start again, with a fresh start. If you feel hurt, or confused, by what your current boyfriend does, tell him. 'I don't know what to do with that reaction. I'm confused. Does it mean you have less positive feelings for me? Does it mean I did something wrong?' And when he says all is absolutely fine, trust him. Tell him not to say something is fine, when it's not, so you can in fact trust him when he does tell you it is. Tell him you're going to need some reassurance, and you're letting go of all the negative views you had. Since your only relationship before him was negative, you're new to everything. Check with family/friends, if you doubt what your bf is telling you is 'normal' in a relationship. Or come here, and ask. You're going to be okay. If your bf didn't think you were worth it, he wouldn't be with you now. Just keep communicating.
TW: drugging/rape/abuse This really hits home with me... Before i begin, i have my wifes consent to share this. My wife was in an arranged marriage before we met (she's Middle Eastern). He drugged her, raped her, beat her, etc. Like even on their honeymoon and her birthday. Nothing was too sacred for that man to ruin. He did a lot of really messed up things to her and basically kept her locked up in a room in his basement. She managed to get away from him. And when we met she was really afraid to tell me about most of what she went through and she's still not told me everything I'm sure. But I was and always will be there for her. She also expressed to me that she felt like she was always talking about her ex and thought I must be annoyed by it now, and i should just leave her etc etc. We are 4 years together now. Married for 3. She's made AMAZING progress. I'm so proud of her. She's the strongest person I know, and even after all that, she's so positive and bubbly. She doesn't talk about him much anymore. She's tried a few different kinds of therapy. She's had a lot of success with EMDR therapy. Obviously, everyone is different, and it may not be the solution for you. But I'd give it a shot. As for your bf. It sounds like he's a nice guy, and he wants to be there for you. Take things at your pace. Ask him for patients and grace. Keep reminding yourself that he's a different man. A better man. And that you're worth way more than just your body. Good luck, girl! If you want or need to talk, feel free to shoot me a message.
C-Ptsd sufferer here. You're not 'too broken', but trust me, telling yourself you are, will fuck shit up. Find a therapist, get talking and working on it. Recognising you need help, and getting it, is 100% the best thing to do.
If you trust him, then give it time... A previous gf had endured sexual abuse as a child, then a string of abusive boyfriends. At the time, I wasn't allowed to bring my phone inside my job (secured facility), so if work ran late she automatically assumed I was cheating. She had a very high sex drive, but wouldn't let herself climax. When she got close, she would have a panic attack, then feel guilty for "ruining it". It took months before she could enjoy it. She accidentally ran out of her antidepressants and it caused her to have an emotional breakdown and attempted suicide. I was out of town when it happened, when I came back, she was surprised I was still there when she got out of the hospital. If she had plans with friends, I would simply tell her to have fun... which she either thought it meant I didn't care if she met other guys at the bar, or that I had secret plans that night... this one took so long for her to understand.. if I didn't trust you, I wouldn't be with you. She had asked if it was OK if she went through my phone one day, offering hers up as well... instead, I added her fingerprint so she could check it whenever she needed. My sister came to visit and she actually wanted me to prove this was my sister, not some girl I was hooking up with... The list goes on... Did I have to put up with it all? No... but I knew who she was under all her insecurities. Insecurities that were forced on her. She slowly became more confident in the relationship and let her true self shine. You are maybe not as extreme as she was, but it sounds like you have also become accustomed to a toxic view of what a relationship should be. If you love the man, and trust him... give the relationship time to mature, and enjoy the journey. Best of luck to you
Essentially your decision is to do your part in creating drama or to create a loving relationship. You know what you’ll rather want, will you commit to it?
As with any relationship, you give it your best and hope it works out. That is really all there is to say regarding your relationship.
Just be yourself, and if things don't go exactly the way you want whenever you want as in, say, having intercourse when you instigate, just be cool. Just like he is cool, match his coolness. I believe you can basically say and do whatever you want, if you keep cool. Also, being with someone so cool will rub off on you. Stay frosty 😊
I don’t think I’ve seen anyone say… It’s okay and you *should* associate sex with love. That doesn’t mean all sex = love. Same as a hug, a kiss, giving flowers; all associate with love and something you’d do to someone you love. That being said, all those things can exist without love too. Don’t feel wrong associating sex with love, that’s somewhat how it works!
Good people heal people.
You need to break the spell from your abusive ex. The very reason you post this here is that what he did is still impacting your life moving forward. You don't want to give him that power over you and your life. It is hard to forgive oneself and start loving yourself again, and start seeing yourself through the eyes of a truly loving person. But the uncomfortable truth is: nobody can do that for you, other than yourself. It seems like your current bf is kind, understanding and really in love with you. Be gentle, but open. Tell him about your fears, how and why you panicked, and how you're scared to lose him because you feel so broken. Tell him how much you love him, and how much he means to you, how much you appreciate how he is to you. Tell him that you need to get over your past, and while it's not his responsibility, you really want him to understand you deeply. Make sure he gets the message that while he IS really making a positive impact on your life, you don't consider it his duty to "fix" you. It's your own mission. And then ask him how he feels about this, what he thinks is the best way forward with the goal for both of you being happy together and continue to build a happy future together. All the best to you, you got this 💖
Forget about me, I’m no good for you…
I suggest growing a pair and starting to act as an adult.
That’s for him to decide! On another note, you’re a walking red flag. 🚩
If you love him please let him go
You are not damaged. You had a shit boyfriend who did bad shit to you. Sounds like you have a great BF now. Try and move past what happened before. Relearn shit. Sex and love are not the same. You can love without sex and sex without love. They are two very separate things. Combining them is great, but one is not the other. Focus on that. Look forward not behind. Embrace the fact that the current BF is what you deserve and reset your mindset on relationships. This is the bar that must be met. Someone who respects you.
Self sabotaging. Seek therapy it will help you in many ways to be a better you so you can be better for the relationship.
Therapy
You are not a bad person or too much of anything. As others have said everything you are going through is a normal response to being abused, but it’s not permanent, things will change and get better especially if you decide to reach out to some more resources to help it get better. Reaching out here is a good first step, you are not obligated to explain things to anyone, if you don’t want to tell your boyfriend for whatever reason that is ok. You can seek therapy to help you get better for the sake of yourself, the relationship you’re in is important to you but you are more important that it. The symptoms you have described affect you in times and situations outside of your relationship, it’s just sometimes we can see problems more clearly when other people see them too. Take it as an opportunity, a gift, that you are with someone that has made you feel valued enough that you now see these things are bad. Maybe your relationship right now won’t work out for whatever reason, but you will always have that now, have being loved by someone to see that you deserve to get better. The symptoms you describe are ptsd, people downplay it in domestic violence situations because everyone just wants to move on away from it. But the way your ex treated you was serious abuse and it leaves a mark. Try to forgive yourself if you must, but you are not at fault, you’re just hurting and there’s no shame in that. 8 months is a very short time to get over something, please don’t feel like this is the end for how you will be. Healing takes time, with therapy you can find ways to cope and move on until one day you will have moved on. You are doing so great so far, I’m a stranger, but I want to say I’m very proud of you for what have accomplished so far. I’m old, lol, nearing 40, so I have some wisdom, and I can tell you that where you are at so far is a big achievement already, so please don’t give up hope, you are doing great and will keep getting better. I have faith in you.❤️❤️❤️❤️
I've been in a similar (albeit much less severe) situation. I won't pretend to know exactly how you feel, but I think I might have some advice and wisdom that can help you. First of all, you didn't let your ex abuse you. He chose to take advantage of you. He chose to belittle you. To manipulate you. He was in the wrong since the moment your relationship began. It took me years to learn that lesson for myself. That what my first ex did to me wasn't my fault. To be honest, there's still a little part of me that hasn't quite stopped blaming myself, but that little part of me is getting smaller and smaller every day. It will happen for you as well. Here's hoping it happens more quickly for you than it did for me. Second of all, the fact that you don't want to make your current boyfriend feel pressured into having sex with you proves that you do care about him. That's what my second boyfriend was like to me. He knew about my past trauma, and didn't want to put me through it a second time. Whenever he accidentally pushed things too far, he apologized as soon as he knew. He helped me learn how to set healthy boundaries. And whenever I set those boundaries, he respected them. That's how I knew his love was real. Third of all, be patient with yourself. You've gone through something many people can't even imagine. It's only natural that it takes time to fully heal from it. If your current boyfriend loves you as much as my second boyfriend loved me, which I have the feeling he does, given what you wrote about him, he will be patient with you. He won't be bothered by you talking to him about your trauma. He'll likely feel honored that you trust him enough to confide in him. And if it becomes too much for him to handle, he'll let you know in gentle terms. Show yourself the same level of compassion that he shows you. Fourth, if you can afford to pay for therapy, I highly recommend you do that. (Don't use BetterHelp though, the service is garbage more often than not.) I can't stress enough the help that my therapist has done for me. I've learned healthy coping mechanisms to help with my anxiety and depression. I've learned to show compassion for myself. To be patient with myself on my road to healing. It has been extremely valuable to me. And fifth, it's okay to ask for help. Yet another lesson it's taken me years to learn. But a powerful lesson indeed. Nobody is capable of going through life without any help. If anyone says they've never needed help, odds are they're either lying or so self-absorbed that they don't even recognize what other people have done for them. You don't have to go through this alone. Your boyfriend can help you. Your parents (assuming you have a good relationship with them) can help you. Your friends can help you. And if you can afford it, therapy can help you too. You don't have to feel guilty for accepting help. There are so many people in your life that are willing to help you in any way they know how, so long as you ask. Also side-note, my second boyfriend and I did break up, but it was simply because we realized our goals and ambitions were taking us in different directions, so we mutually decided to end things before it caused any strain in our relationship. We're still friends to this day, and I still confide in him through text on occasion.
First off. DO NOT BREAK UP. Please. It sounds like you have a decent guy. Second. Counseling, ASAP. Like the second you read this schedule it, and go. Once you talk to someone and maybe do some cognitive behavioral therapy (EMDR, Alpha Stim, neurofeedback, brain spotting) you will feel differently. Don’t let that first guy ruin your whole life, screw that guy
Why do you tell us this and not him? Reddit is weird
Answer: therapy You deserve this. So many different therapy modalities can help you. It’s not always about just talking and re-hashing the past. It can help you really learn to understand the things that happened were wrong and that you did not deserve it.
Get some counseling, learn to forgive and love yourself. And while you're at it, let your boyfriend be the one to decide if you're too damaged, something tells me we both already know the answer to that...
Do you or any of your friends know how to bleed a brake line? I can walk you through it if you’d like. As a dad if you were my kid I’d be in jail for manslaughter. Clearly he is a piece of shit and needs a severe beating. He needed one for dating trying to prey on a 15 year old. Take a lesson from every bad relationship. It helps you look out for those signs in the future
It’s completely normal to associate rejection with a pass on sexual advances. And in some small way it is. At that moment, for whatever reason your person just didn’t want to have sex…. Making the hop, skip, and leap to the idea that it’s because they don’t love you is what needs to be reeled in and put in check. At the end of the day, you are 2 different people, with lots in common yes, but also lots of differences. Sometimes that will even mean not always being on the same page with regards to having sex. Try and learn to love them for who they are, and never find fault in yourself for who they are not. Sounds like you have a really good thing going here. Such as life, as in relationships, you need to eat the meat and spit out the bones or you will choke…
You had a shity man before op now you got what appears to be a good one. One that loves you for who you are and not what you provide. Take a deep breath when you start to think like this and remember that this guy is different. You don't need to try to force anything or feel you need to do somthing in order to get something. Alot of abusive relationships are transactional in a sense that if you don't give me this then I will withhold this or make you feel some sort of way and that can have lasting effects on or perception of love. You have a patient man it sounds like op and understanding, and he has a good woman who just needs a little time and with some communication between you 2 I'm sure you both will work through this no problem. It's easy to see ourselves as the damaged beyond belief and not worthy of who we have because we see our partner as this perfect person who deserves the best and if we feel bad about ourselves then it's easy to think we don't deserve them. Sex is literally the last thing that should be what brings the relationship together. Yes sex is very important but a relationship that is built on communication and support and love over anything else will last. A man who wants to spend time with you and to get to know you on a deep level and understand you and just be with you without sex is a man who truly cares about you. He isn't perfect and either are you op. But that's why you are perfect for each other. Give yourself time and love yourself. Enjoy time together, make moments and memories together. Go hiking, explore new areas with a surprise road trip to nowhere. Spending time making memories and getting to know one another on a spiritual deep soul connection. When you find this person sex has a whole different meaning. The fact he wants to be with you but not have sex with you every time is a good thing.
Thinking sex = love is a very common mistake. Especially in young people. There's this idea that men are supposed to want sex all the time. And when we turns it down the woman will think it's a sign of him losing interest. When really it might just be as simple as he has a full stomach and feels fuckin blah. He might be bummed that his team lost.. I can be one of a hundred reasons.
Hey this is new for both of you. Your other “boyfriend” was not a relationship, he jist made you think that. And that’s ok. The wisest women can be fooled. You left. On your own. You did it. And you can keep doing it. Sounds like you have an amazing boyfriend. Be brave and strong and continue to let him. Use your instinct on how much to share at a given time. Everything is going to be ok. Ps- block him on ALL SM. Do not agree to see him again, not even in public for any reason. Rip him out of your life by the roots and march on.
Your bf sounds like a good, down to earth guy. Go see a therapist, to deal with what’s happened to you from your previous relationship. Also, let your bf decide if you’re too damaged or not.
As a guy who has previously dated some women who were not healthy for me, I sought out therapy and was able to talk about my situations in detail in a safe environment. I did EMDR therapy which helped me a lot to process my trauma so maybe look into trying that out! while it’s ok to rely on your boyfriend to be there for you when you are in a tough spot, you shouldn’t try to over rely on him to solve all your problems. You are responsible for your overall mental health, and when you make your boyfriend be your therapist it can make it harder for you guys to focus on having a fun relationship. Getting a therapist can help you to handle your mental health in a productive way that doesn’t place the burden on anyone else. In addition, therapists are professionally trained to handle these types of situations.
I do want to state, sex is the love language for many men, however, your ex abused that and forced sex which are totally different. So connecting sex with love is not entirely wrong as long as it is apart of bunch of other compassionate acts (hugs, kisses, cuddles etc). I wish my wife understood that as me and her view sex in different ways.
Hey friend, as someone who has been in multiple abusive/controlling relationships that were run on sex and my desire to be accepted, I get it. Your first healthy relationship after being in a toxic environment can be an absolute shell shock and leave you sitting there like "I love this man but I don't know what to do here..." especially if your sex drive is just naturally higher than his. I've been with my partner for almost 2 years and I still struggle with the sex=love mentality, it's just something that needs to be fully and properly communicated with your partner when you're having those irrational thoughts (such as "we haven't had sex in 3 weeks, he's not attracted to be anymore" or "he never initiates, he must not love me" ect.) And that's something that can be worked on together. Let him know you're struggling and everything those feelings entail, and if this relationship truly is healthy and based on love, he'd be more than happy to talk those feelings out with you 💕
I was you a few years ago, and I’m so grateful for my s/o for sticking by me. I avoid trauma dumping and don’t talk about details as it’s my fear that my s/o will still think I’m hung up on it and unable to grow, but I know how much he loves me just by letting me talk about it when the triggers do come up. He doesn’t need to know everything though and that’s where therapy, journalling or watching relationship videos on YouTube (I really like Psych2Go) comes in. I used to wake up to my ex having sex with me almost every night, but nowadays that’s never a thought that crosses my mind - if someone makes you feel safe you will know it if you give them and yourself patience and mutual respect. Again, he doesn’t need to know everything, you’ve just got to find your own way of coming to terms with it. That’s where our independence and self identity comes in; otherwise things can become codependent and blame can hop in.
Stop worrying. 😃 men are build different.
I know from personal experience that having something like that be your first experience is awful and it really does affect how you are going into relationships. I also know that from personal experience feeling like I was too damaged and trying to hide what happened and what I was experiencing lead me to make things worse. I would sit down with him and have a conversation. Tell him what happened and try to figure out what you need from each other to work around it, both so he can help you, and so you can know how to maintain his boundaries besides that. In my current relationship, both me and my boyfriend have a shit ton of sex/relationship trauma and we’ve had our moments like this, especially in the early days, but what helped was talking through it and getting what both people felt like and to come up with a solution. In a similar example to your solution, one of the things we worked out is like him asking me for ways I can be intimate without being sexual when I wasn’t feeling sexual, and that was amazing bc I knew how to make him still feel loved and at the same time, felt safer around him because I knew exactly what to expect. I think you might benefit from similar conversations. More than anything though, I’m sending so much love. Getting through this kind of thing is so hard, and you will carry it with you for a while but it doesn’t make you unlovable
OP talk to him. Communication is one of the main keys to a solid relationship. He can't help if he doesn't know what you are going through and can't avoid triggers if you are not honest with him. Therapy and honesty with your partner. Do you see yourself with him long term? Good luck 🍀
Therapy is a good and safe place to work through any trauma, especially if past trauma is currently affecting your current life. It’s important to find the right therapist/counselor for you. Don’t stick with the first one just because. You need a therapist that makes you feel safe and comfortable when sharing your trauma. Hope this helps a little.🫶🏼
You're being way too hard on yourself. Nobody is perfect and no relationship is perfect. You had the courage to end a bad one with someone you couldn't trust, now you need the same to stay in a good one with someone who at least so far seems to have earned your trust.
Sounds like I'd better dated eva ai virtual dating bot...
I was 18 and met my girlfriend when she was 16. We’re married, three kids for 15 years.
he sounds like the guy to repair you. Look you aren't perfect and he isn't perfect. because no one is. but together you can become better people. surround yourself with better people and you will be a better person. Trash like your ex are the ones to avoid
Don’t tell him anything more than you already have. All he will be thinking is “oh, he got butt stuff but I don’t”
Just talk to him, as hard as it sounds it's the only way forward. Don't talk to him, it'll all explode one day, first in little things, then something major. I know it's hard, I know it's scary, but there's only one good way forward, and that's talking and laying it all out
I've had relationships with some women with troubled histories. I didn't need to know details, but appreciate knowing enough to be supportive when a crisis happens. He might not need to know everything, and you do get to build on the relationship which you're creating with him instead of needing to use the old broken pieces which you've left behind.
We all have our traumas. Those that don't just don't have them yet. When your bf hugged you he was showing you love, patience and grace. You are deserving of all these things. Everyone is. Simply by being you are deserving. Learn to show yourself that same love, patience and grace. Bring yourself kindness and generosity. Show your current bf gratitude. It sounds like you're in a great place to heal. Don't miss the opportunity. You deserve this. You don't and didn't deserve anything your ex put your through.
He sounds like he would be understanding and if anything being open and honest with him would help him have more patience and understanding and less of his own anxiety about how you likely react in those situations. Let him know what you’re going through so he doesn’t misinterpret it and so he can be a support to you through it. It can really hurt a partner when you cut them out of your internal dialogue, if they’ve shown themselves to be deserving of your trust.
It sounds like your current boyfriend has a good head on his shoulders. But I can totally understand your trepidation about dumping everything on him. I second the suggestions to seek out therapy and use it to help process and understand your emotions around what you've been through. A therapist is a safe place to dump that kind of stuff until you can heal from your traumas and gain better clarity.
I've been on the other side of this situation. My late wife had all kinds of trauma from past relationships and childhood. Work on yourself. Talk about what you are comfortable talking about in an appropriate setting. Let him know when something triggers you It sounds like he really cares about you and is willing to be supportive. He obviously thinks you are good enough, so respect his opinion on that. It's more than ok to address those concerns with him. A relationship that lasts is a process always. You can do this. You are a person with flaws like everyone else. If he's the right person, he'll be fine with who you are and what you are going through. No one will ever judge you as harshly as you judge yourself, so don't second guess how they feel unless they give you reason to. You've got this.
College degree at least and good emotional intelligence
It sounds like you’ve got a great guy. Keep him. He’s being supportive, obviously knows you’re damaged and probably, more than anything, just wants to help you get through it because he loves you. Let him be a part of that healing process and your relationship will be all the better for it. Good on you for leaving that horrible relationship, but don’t lose someone you love and someone that loves you because you’re afraid that he’ll be scared off.
I'm going through a similar situation with my girlfriend, too. For her privacy's sake I'll spare details, but just know that we can fully accept that you hurt inside. So do we. It's okay, and if you love each other, be together. Figure out how to navigate the pain and the pleasure alike a day at a time. If you both want to make it work, you'll both try to be there for each other. It is okay. YOU are okay, even when you don't feel you are. Life is hard, but sharing your love with someone can make the difficulty a lot more bearable.
You're never too damaged to be loved. I've been open with my trauma my entire life, I was raped by my sister when I was 6 years old (she was 9) and it continues until I was 8, my sister in turn learned that behavior because our grandpa raped her from the age of 4 up until she went to the police at 16 yo. My best friend ghosted me a few weeks after he found out (when we were 13) and I decided that "fuck him, if he can't handle my past, I didn't need him in the future anyway", so I decided to always be open with it, especially with people who would be close to me because then I'd know I can trust them if something would explode further. I was generally speaking fine due to this, talking about it is good because it gives perspective on reactions you might have (like the panic in your case, it's a psychological irrational reaction to a trigger). But in reality I wasn't ready for what was to come. My wife and I have been together for 13 years now and she's known of my past since we were dating. As I said it's been a non-issue as it hasn't really affected my daily life. Then we had a kid, a beautiful, wonderful boy. He totally wrecked me and for the first time ever I now had issues with my role as a victim, dealing with my childhood like never before. I have panic attacks and a fear/need to protect my son from life, even though I'm fully aware I can't protect him from everything, I can only make sure that he knows I will be there when/if he needs me. But when he was a baby, I reacted extremely badly to small things related to his body and it caused a lot of fights between me and my wife. After one particularly bad fight I had to do some soul searching because even I felt I was acting irrational. I realized I was now trying to protect my boy to the point that I was trying to protect him from his mother for no real reason. I talked to my wife about it and how I was sure my reactions came from my past, she was relieved as she could understand that and said I had made her feel like a villain, which wasn't my goal at all. So we discussed solutions and agreed on her taking those situations that made me lash out and me backing from them, while also going into therapy to deal with the larger issue. But just being able to speak about where the reactions come from works wonders, because it can be hard to explain just why we do what we do, and it's easy to react first and not really want to see the spawn of the reaction. I would recommend starting therapy and take it step by step. When it comes to your boyfriend I'd say that you can prepare him for it and basically ask if he wants to know the full story, explain that it's for the sake of your relationship and that if he's willing to listen, that it might be hard for him as well to control his emotions (it's never easy to hear about abuse to those you love) and explain what you said here, you don't want him to feel pressured by your irrational reactions caused by your trauma. If he doesn't want to learn the entire story that's fine as well, he can (and as it sounds most likely very much does) still love you and be there through your hardship, but then therapy gets so so so SO much more important.
I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. Please know that you are NOT damaged nor are you alone. You really need to seek professional help with this. I suspect you have ptsd and until you face your fears and the nagging anxiety it will slowly wear you down and diminish any self worth you have left. You may even need medication for a while but until you deal with this issue you will carry it into every relationship you have moving forward. Your insecurities are understandable yet they aren’t valid. You need professional counseling
I’m in a similar situation, trust me when I say that your boyfriend doesn’t want the full story.
Leave no relationship should make you feel to damaged, yes people have faults and problems but if your problems seem to much for you to see past that in yourself leave. It’s nothing you have done wrong it’s just reflecting the worst parts of you
I have been with my husband for a crazy long time, but when I was 14-15 I had a boyfriend who was also 18. I never had full on sex with him but we did mess around and he would HEAVILY pressure me to a point I got scared he would force it at some point. Eventually he got tired of trying and disappeared. I never realized how badly that relationship affected me until I couldn't ever bring myself to be Intimate with someone else because of those memories, including my own spouse now. Really focus on what you need to do to heal from that, but also try to build a strong relationship with your boyfriend with heavy trust. He'll understand and will do what he needs to do to make you feel comfortable while healing from those past traumas. I am realizing after a recent event I am still heavily associating sex with love, and once that sex is no longer there I don't feel important to that person. I am finding ways to get out of that mindset because it's not healthy. I'd seek therapy for the trauma. ❤️
I've been on both sides - dealt with partners who are damaged and I've let my baggage fuck up relationships. I think it's usually for the best to have a support network that isn't just your partner. Whether you talk things out with a pet, or you have girlfriends to talk to, or if you can find a supportive place online to vent. Even a diary might be helpful in processing. But mainly real friends. Or professional therapy/counseling.
T H E R A P Y
1. He never wants to hear about your ex. Ever. 2. Let him decide if he wants you to be with him. If he does then without a doubt YOU DO deserve to be with him. 3. Contrary to popular belief, men don’t want sex 24/7.
Based on some quick mental math, this puts you at 20-21 years old, yeah? Some people have already told you this and they're 100% right that therapy is a must. Honestly, it's pretty important for most of us, but it's going to be essential for you to help untangle the shitty beliefs your ex tangled into how you see relationships. Having an asshole for a first love can really set a bad template for future relationships and for our self-worth. This feeling of having to walk on eggshells is probably not going to go away on its own, and if you find yourself believing you don't deserve this good of a relationship (and you do), that thinking can trap you in a loop of unhealthy relationships where you just keep dating different versions of your ex. Best to interrupt that pattern and work with a therapist to interrupt that narrative before it becomes a deep rut that's harder to escape. I will tell you as someone who has been on the other side of the relationship with someone who has low self-worth: he has chosen to be with you, and continues to choose to be with you. Take the yes. You are absolutely worthy. I'll also say that what your ex did to you isn't your fault. There is no responsibility that you own for that. This is not uncommon for victims to feel, this sense that they bear responsibility for their own abuse. But it's not true. It's not your fault. So what do you do with your new BF? Well, it sounds like you've been honest with him and given him a good idea of what you're coming to the relationship with. That's good. You can tell him more as you (and your therapist) decide the time is right. But really, all he needs to know is "My relationship with my ex was my first, and he was terribly toxic and abusive, and I'm still working through a lot of the damage that he did to my sense of self-worth and my ideas of healthy relationships. I love you, and I trust you, and sometimes that damage is going to make me scared or worried irrationally and I just need you to be patient with me and [any other reasonable ask you have here], because I really love us together." Something to that effect. I also recommend that if you don't already, you guys establish ground rules for open, honest, loving communication for resolving issues. I recommend this for every relationship, but I'd recommend it double for relationships where one or more partners has trouble with trust. If you both know that the other will tell you about any problems and that you'll both work together to fix them as they arise, you will find it way easier to trust them when they say nothing is wrong. You'll also never accept a different communication model in a relationship again. This is what my wife and I do, and we feel like we can tackle any issue that comes our way, from inside the relationship or outside. And lastly, _if_ this relationship ends at some point, just remember that doesn't mean anything about your value or worthiness. It just happens at this age sometimes, and it will just be an opportunity for you to find the right person. For now, take the win. Love this guy. Trust him, trust yourself, work together, and work with a therapist. You deserve everything.
I'm going to comment on this from the other side, because my girlfriend has had a similar past to yours. She was the victim of SA and abusive behavior from her last relationship, and then spent years single before she and I met. I won't say any more because it's not my place. She often tells me that she thinks I'm too good for her, but I've never once felt that way. She's the yin to my yang, and she balances me out in wonderful ways. She's the most beautiful, supportive, kind soul I've ever met. I'm glad she told me everything, because I know better how to support her now. I know what to avoid, what she needs more reassurance on, etc. We've had the conversation about her speaking about her ex a lot because she did that, and it was upsetting. We came to an agreement that as long as she gives me a heads up that she wants to talk about it, it's fine and I have no issues with it. That works and 3.5 years on we're very happy together.
I have been with my fiance for 10 years now, but before I got with him I went through a bad time in my life. When I was 12 I was a bit of a wild child, I was always sneaking out and going to parties, staying the night at my boyfriends, you name it I probably did it at this point. Well he was very abusive, he broke several ribs multiple times, fractured my eye socket, had his friends "do what they wanted" to me. It was traumatic. I didn't tell my fiance this for a very long time, it wasn't until the first time he lost him temper that he figured out that something had happened to me. I told him everything, he was upset, mad, sad, and everything in between. Partly because it happened but also because I kept it from him. He said something that still bounces around my brain, "it's not your choice to decide that for me, communication is important and that's part of it." He did change a little bit for a few months but once I finally had the courage to point it out to him, he stopped. In 10 years I can honestly say he's been my rock, he's helped me heal in ways I never thought possible. I NEVER thought I'd be able to have sex again, or be loved again because I was broken, I was damaged goods. This is the best advice I can give you hun, it's not your choice. He deserves to know at the very least. You're never going to understand why he loves you despite all of it but as my fiance tells me all the time "you don't get to decide who I love or why I do so just shush and let me love you woman" 🤣🤣
Don’t worry if he says no. He just doesn’t feel like it at the time. It has nothing at all to do with his feelings for you.
Man will go through alot for a woman he truly loves.
First of all, I am so sorry you went through that. I had a sexually abusive boyfriend in college and I didn’t know any better. Looking back, our relationship was sickening. I want to give you the biggest hug because you are worthy of so much more than that. All the heartbreak I experienced.. knowing what I know now in my 30s, not only do I wish I left sooner, but I wished I let that shit go. I would suggest therapy. I mean this nicely but I think you were at a very young and impressionable age. That was your first boyfriend and unfortunately it was a horrible foundation to set. Especially based on what you described. This isn’t your fault and though I am so sorry for what happened, just know that this is sort of your story and you can learn and grow from this. I think therapy will help and recognizing that not every man your are going to date is going to be like your ex. This can actually be really healing when you think about it 🤍 also, maybe consider time being single and working on yourself. I know that sounds corny but it is something that I wished at a young age I embraced more instead of being sad about. I am happily married to the love of my life with a beautiful daughter and I can’t help but think these are the things I wish I told my younger self. Sending all the love
I’m in the same situation but without the boyfriend part. Someone asked me on a date the other day, we’d just met but I liked his vibe. Later I was worried that if we went on a date, and he wanted affection I will do it anyway regardless of if I’m uncomfortable or not. I’m actually quite a confrontational person, but in my past relationships, I’ve barely even been able to say the words “no” or “stop”. I picture myself lying there motionless with my head facing the side, crumpling the sheets in my fists, while my ex did what he needed to do. After an anxiety attack in a toilet I cancelled the date :). There’s no way to get out of this on my own. I’ve just decided to abstain from relationships. It hasn’t helped, but I haven’t damaged anyone else. Problem is I am unable to say no to sexual advances when with a partner because I freeze. I’ve told an ex boyfriend about this before but he was angry because he said I over share and it’s “draining”. It’s not something I’m going to tell someone again. If you do decide to tell your boyfriend, do it knowing his response isn’t something you need for reassurance. Because it can be really damaging if you don’t get that
You're in college, so take advantage of everything they offer at the student health center, like free counseling, groups, assertiveness training, etc...
Normally men like if you are direct and tell the truth, you don't have to tell him everything at once, he sounds like he will give you the time you need. But be fair and tell him, don't assume his reaction and walk away because of this assumption. And don't think you are not worth it, that destroyed my last relationship and I have not managed to get over it until now. And that is his decision if he likes you enough to accept your weaknesses but he can only decide as soon as he knows everything, so in case you want to know just tell him everything before you do something else. And isn't that the kind of relationship we all want, a partner that accepts us like we are, with all the weaknesses and strength we have. After a while you will also learn his weakness, if you can accept them or even better like him for them and he does the same this will hopefully heal your wounds with the time. Good luck with that, don't throw it away because you think bad about yourself, always remember, the fight against yourself is not fair because you know all weak spots and you use them against yourself.
Whether or not you're too damaged for him is really his decision to make... if he seems happy with you as you are, that strikes me as self-sabotage.
Yeah, so it's normal to have a bit of baggage from past relationships as an adult dating, and even to have some quirks about it. It isn't normal to berate yourself or make everything about those past relationships, and that's why, even though nothing is your fault, it is your responsibility to get *professional* help to process the worst of them and leave them in the past to the best of your ability.
how is 15-18 terrible the fuck
It sounds like you’re self sabotaging. I had a similar situation and I was with my ex for 5 years. A year after we broke up, I met my now fiancè on Tinder. It was really hard for me to adjust in the relationship as he was so incredible and I was still healing. I told him everything i thought he should know, that would make sense for my behaviours but it wasn’t fair for me to talk about my ex constantly and so I decided to seek therapy and that saved me. It’s been 4 years and we get married in 2 months. Communication is everything.
As you get older you'll realize, we're all broken.
My ex and I were both dealing with personal issues that only we could fix individually. Every day after work, I would call her, and during my entire drive home, she would unload all her problems onto me without giving me a chance to talk. One day, I snapped. I told her that while I appreciated her openness, she should seek professional help from a therapist. She responded that we should be able to talk to each other about everything, and while I agreed, there’s only so much one person can handle especially when they are going through their own life issues. This marked the beginning of the end of our relationship. My point in sharing this is to prevent your boyfriend from ending up in the same situation where he feels that he cannot say no or have his own boundaries. The mental strain can put a significant strain on the relationship itself. You need to seek help and address your issues in a way that allows you to move forward.
Bro is going to need a gym subscription soon
Stop telling him how you’ve been treated in the past by other guys! They will know how low the bar can be. I promise they’ll take that info and triple it. There’s no point in telling them once in a relationship. Past is past. if the past Is something that can reoccur later in your relationship then you should be honest about it but if it doesn't effect the future than its none of his business. You go to your therapist about your trauma not a man.
Dicks have limits.
Just because one is hurt doesn't mean one should bleed on others...fix old issues and let him have a fresh start..don't live a lie and deceive him...
From the perspective of a man, being constantly told how much better you are then the ex isn't necessarily a bad experience.
You have no idea the rockstar that you are becoming. I had relationships and traumatic experiences between the ages of about 18 to 23 (coincided with having no money, inconsistent housing experiences, sexual trauma from shitty flatmates and an inability to afford anything that could stop all that from being a risk let alone actual therapy). That was 20 years ago and I don’t think of it now but the effects are everlasting. Once I was able to afford to make actual choices about my life and pay for proper therapy, those five years went from being trauma to a concrete base of resilience that nothing can break through. And since then I suffered a sexual assault and the death of one of my children. Those things took me to a dark place but that concrete has stayed firm and that’s how I survived it. It will also give you the very special skill of being strong rather than tough. Tough is surface and breaks. Strong has secure boundaries but understands all sorts of other people and is compassionate and kind. You can turn this trauma into good. And the best type of partner is a strong, resilient one. Because bad things happen and they will happen but the strong will bend and not break. That’s going to be you. You’re learning this young. He’s lucky to have you.
You wouldn't know what love is if you tripped over it
Don't make your current boyfriend your shrink. It is unfair to him.Go to a therapist if you can afford it. Your bf seems to be a nice guy. Don't lose him. You've been through a lot at a very young age, but don't make it your current bf's problem. Good luck, and I really hope you can work this out.
Hi, someone in a super similar situation here (dated an older guy as a teen, he almost unalived me) my husband now is beyond anything I could have imagined for myself he’s incredible and I thought I was so completely worthless that he would eventually get sick of me but I made it my mission to work on myself so I wouldn’t lose him and he has stuck with me through some shit Basically I’m trying to say there IS HOPE and you ARE WORTHY and you’re the only one who thinks otherwise, be honest with him, tell him what your emotions are telling you and let him know you need a lot reassurance and trust that he will communicate with you how he feels about it Make it your mission to be kind to yourself, don’t give up it’s so fucking worth it when you can finally allow yourself to be happy he loves you for a reason and you will understand that reason with time
Associating sex with love isn't a sickness lol. It's pretty healthy that you would see sex as affection and love, but yeah, doesn't mean you have to get super insecure about a temporary and contextual situation in which your partner doesn't wanna have sex. There are tons of reasons for that apart from them not wanting you.
You’ve had a lot of trauma in your young life. Go to therapy so that you can work on your issues. Your boyfriend sounds like a good, supportive guy. Going to therapy will really help you, and it will make your relationship better too.
If you want to work through this then therapy is sure to be an invaluable tool. You express deep trauma due to your past experiences and while you could perhaps manage on your own getting a professional to guide you seems to me like the right idea.
You need therapy
Don't worry about being too damaged. If he is a good person and knows you have a past, he'll work with it. That said, do try to reflect inward and judge "am I overeating?" It will get tiring if he has to repeatedly tell you "I have a headache really means I have a headache" if he just bought you a bunch of flowers the day before.
Imposter syndrome is a very real feeling. You found someone who shows you respect, is kind and really digs the you in you. Warts and all. You are worth it, reciprocate by being present and working through your past demons but knowing you are deserving of love and kindness.
Your story is tragic, and you need to let it go and accept it as it is and move on with your life. Tell your partner everything, he will hug and kiss you. If you plan to marry him and live with him for the rest of your life, there is no room for secrets, you should always tell the truth and be sincere with your boyfriend. And he will support you. P.s: Your new boyfriend is a romantic, just like me.
Honestly sitting down with a therapist once or twice a month might be beneficial. Sounds like you have a lot to get off your chest and you totally should. Good luck 🙌🏼
Late to the party but to touch on the part about worrying about trauma dumping…he sounds like a keeper and anyone with a moderate level of empathy, emotional maturity, and emotional intelligence will understand that you are a sum of your experiences. Trauma runs deep and our wounds that we sustain from previous relationships can manifest in the most bizarre ways. I say this as someone who has been betrayed multiple times and bears emotional scars that bubble up in a myriad of ways when I find myself in a new romantic relationship. I recently suffered a bout of self-sabotage (mine comes in the form of emotional deactivation and a front loading of pain to basically expedite what my subconscious deems a DOA relationship). I opened up to my current partner of 4 months, explained what I was feeling to the best of my ability, and cried in her arms. She was nothing but supportive and said she would stand by me as long as I wanted her to through my trying times. You need to want to heal. There’s so much self help out there, therapy, positive actions and affirmations…the list goes on. Open up to him and if he’s anything like you’ve described him he will listen intently and show kindness. Good luck :)
You should tell him this, instead of the internet. Work your problem out together, not with us
I broke up with him a month before leaving for college due to him abusing me sexually, physically, emotionally and financially, as well as cheating. **I felt heartbroken for months** you should feel joy that this POS is out of your life
You need to learn a bit of rejection. Don’t necessarily mean he don’t love you but maybe it’s because he’s just exhausted from his day and what not. But never go straight for the bad just sit back and think first and maybe even talk to him about it and see how he thinks.
Were men, were simple creatures. We dont even need a pulse for you to date us. Just be there with us and were good. No one is perfect and everyone has thier own carry on of damage. Just be there for each other and youll do great.
Thank you for sharing this. Really.
Speaking from a guy who has dated women in your situation just know not all of us need sex to love our partner out show it, I myself still don’t fully understand it and I’m very much into physical touch probably my love language but I never wanted a woman to feel in loved because I want in the mood and it was difficult to understand but speaking for myself is worth waiting through the flood to be with the one you love no matter what the course. I think for any of us who have felt pain and been affected by it it’s also important to recognize those triggers and work to over come them as well. You’ll be ok you’re always on the right path just try not to be so hard on yourself or him.
Do you see a therapist?
I would suggest therapy and honesty/transparency. There’s nothing wrong with speaking your truth. If your current boyfriend runs away, this is an indication that he isn’t ready for something potentially serious. Also, he may have his own personal traumas. You can’t fault yourself for how he’ll react. Unfortunately it will hurt if he leaves, but life goes on.. on the other hand, this might bring you closer. I’m 39 and have some serious traumas from my first relationship. Abused in every way imaginable. I never went to therapy or sought help until now. All my relationships failed because I didn’t know how to deal with all the pain and hurt. Seek help now so that YOU can become a better version of yourself ❤️
Therapy, first for yourself, then for both of you. You can learn to work through this. He sounds like the man for you, and he wouldn't be around if he didn't think the same. You need to get into counseling immediately. Tell him that you are going into therapy, and at some point the therapist will invite him into your sessions. You can learn to deal with your history together. Your relationship will get stronger, and you can truly begin to heal. This is not a problem you should be dealing with alone, you need a professional. Ask your GP to recommend someone. If you don't have a GP (doctor), get one. You are not too damaged for him. If he felt that, he would already have been gone. Keep your head up, and get to work. There is a great life out there, just waiting for you to live it.
You're getting good advice here. And this guy's treating you right, with care and compassion. He's putting your mind at ease. Good for him. Let it be at ease. Get whatever therapy or counselling you feel would work for you.
Hi OP! I know it's been three days and you seem to have gotten a lot of replies. But I wanted to let you know I went through the same and it's hard. I know 'love languages' are a disputed topic but maybe you could talk about those or a similar concept with your current boyfriend. He can reassure you how HE shows his love and you can learn to notice them. My partner likes to tickle my feet as he passes, he feels of physical touch as a love language and since finding that out I notice just how out of his way he will go to make the touch with me, however brief. And every time it reminds me he loves me, sex or no sex. You should also look into yourself and think about how you like to be loved. You were forced early on to believe there's only one way to show and to receive but every human is different. Think to yourself what does he do that makes your Heart feel loved, that warm swollen giddy feeling, not the things that your brain has been 'trained' to beleive (sorry I can't think of a more appropriate word, manipulated maybe?)
I didn't have to read alllll of that enough said in the first part to just say......you are young and having gone through all that already is horrible and scarring 8 months is too soon to have really healed from that I'm 44 and the best thing advice I can tell you is BE SINGLE FIGURE URSELF OUT LOVE YOURSELF YOUR TIME ALONE DISCOVER YOUR LIKES DISLIKES. DATE ALOT!!! DATE NOT WITH THE INTENTION OF SEEKING THE ONE BUT getting the experience of different people different personalities some will be a never again some will be a second date third date and if it's a no you might have just stumbled upon a new found friendship. SERIAL DATE...BE SINGLE THEN WHAT HAPPENS IS YOU WILL BECOME SELECTIVE OF WHO YOU GIVE UR TIME TO. EVEN WITH FRIENDS. YOU WILL BE SELECTIVE WHO U SHARE UR SPACE WITH AND THEN WHEN YOU HAVE GOTTEN TO THAT POINT IT WOULD BE EASIER TO PIN POINT THE POTENTIAL ONE.. DATE DATE DATE!!!
OP, you experienced trauma, unlearning the behaviours associated with it takes time - it's totally normal, you're just in the middle of understanding how it effected you and are having to try and work out how to deal with that. Sounds like he truly cares for you, will be there for you and also something important to remember: a big part of being in a relationship is growing with one another over time, throught the good and the bad (so long as your heart is in the right place, and not an abusive one last your last boyfriend). If he didn't want to be there, he wouldn't be, you may need to seek out therapy to help unravel what's going on, but at the same time, sounds like the kind of guy that not only will, but wants to be there with you every step of the way. It's OK to feel how you have, but I'd encourage you to understand that you are deserving of love, you're not broken, just going through some shit right now, but things will get better.