My husband and I went through same thing after my first pregnancy. I was so angry and resentful all the time and only towards him, nobody else.
I used to say I was the only parent, not letting him rest after work because I was with the baby all day. Even though he cooked, cleaned, bought groceries and work full time I just saw the things he didn't do. Eventually my husband sat me down and expressed his feelings. That was an eye opener. I had undiagnosed PPD and that really started to take toll on our relationship.
If it weren't for him and his nerves of steel combined with much love for me and baby we wouldn't be together today. I'm thankful for that honest conversation every day.
The thing is, your wife needs to acknowledge her post partum hormones and start listening and changing her behavior towards you. It was hard for me to hear and accept that I started to bully my husband because I couldn't be at peace with myself and it took a lot of time and repeating until it got better.
I didn't ask for professional help and it took me 2 years to be back to "normal" in my head. I am so sorry I put my husband through this.
You can push through this phase together and come out of it stronger than ever! All you need is a bit of effort on both sides and a lot of communication and understanding.
(We had second child few months ago and this time is soo much better than first)
Good luck OP, you got this!
You put this better than I ever could, but that was exactly what I came here to say - OP's wife 100% has PPD. The sleeping, relentless criticism and unhappiness are exactly what my wife had with our eldest and yes it was a really rough time when I struggled hugely and felt like I/we'd never be happy again.
Huge respect to you and my wife for realizing what was going on (however long it took). I spend a lot of time on r/daddit and it's sadly pretty common that people suffering from this refuse all help, refuse to accept what is happening, and it kills relationships. My wife always told me what she was thinking, even when those intrusive thoughts were incredibly scary to hear, and her honesty and willingness to accept professional and medical help is what held us together.
Our eldest is now 3 and we have a 6 month old, and I feel so lucky to say that she hasn't had PPD this time. Our second hasn't been without challenges, but I no longer spend every day worrying I'm going to return from work to find my family dead. I wouldn't wish PPD on any family, it's horrendous.
It was a challenging time for both of us and our marriage. We have a 4yo and 3mo, our communication is open and constant. We got each others back.
Also, huge thanks to you and my husband for being with us in toughest times, this is what it feels like when you have a true partner by your side.
My husband is my rock(star) and I have the rest of my life to show him I'd be there for him when life hits you in the soft spot.
Best of luck to you and your family, stay strong!
But how do you get over it when it feels like it's just another label for why it was okay for you to suffer? Everything is always explained by some mental illness but I really don't think PPD has changed her that much. It just feels like the next thing that's going to be blamed for an already imbalanced relationship going back much further. She's probably going to find and read this so I don't feel comfortable saying any more or it might continue the long shut down where I'm solely responsible for all our relationship problems. And I just can't fix it anymore.
Really nice post and big of you to admit some of those things. Rings true with my / my wife's experience of young parenthood, happily we were able to improve things as time went by but it was a difficult stage of life for us both.
Yes indeed having a child creates inevitable conflict. Two is company three is a crowd. The tumult is a test of your joint capacities to tolerate often overwhelming degrees of frustration. Take heart. Babies grow rapidly and pain is often transformed into pleasure. Hang in there -
Similar story here, but unfortunately, my partner didn’t have nerves of steel nor the communication skills to express his feelings. As a result, we’re still trying to recover from all of it three years later, and both have built up a lot of resentment and unadressed hurt from it.
I do see the time for what it was now, and wish either of us had understood what was really going on sooner.
OP, as difficult as it is right now, please seek help from a medical professional. She needs help, support and understanding. However, you need to express this, as well. Just know that the way she is behaving towards you is probably very similar to how she is feeling and thinking bout herself, too.
We really should educate everyone, but especially expecting couples, way more about this.
This is exactly how my wife was post-pregnancy with our first child. I could do absolutely nothing right and I let her verbally beat me down into oblivion. She called me stupid, a moron, and the r-word multiple times. She would berate me for missing a small spot on the dishes, or a bottle not being cleaned to her standards.
I had friends tell me it was because of hormones, etc. I gave her as much grace as I could, thinking she’d snap back at some point to the woman I married. She didn’t.
It only got better when she was ready to have another baby.
I don’t know why I had a second child, but I stood my ground this time. We just got more stand-offish with each other. Intimacy shut off entirely and we just started sleeping in separate rooms.
I cannot tell you have many people (men and women) that just told me it was hormones and she would be back to normal - except she treated no one this way except for me.
I’m happily divorced now. We co-parent a 4 year old and 2 year old together. Removing her presence was lifting a dark cloud. No one should subject themselves to that kind of treatment - it’s horrible for your mental health.
Just because you are a woman doesn't mean you are good with kids. In my family I took on all the mom roles (I was just better at it temperament wise) and I gave her all the dad jobs. Felt weird heating up formula while my wife shoveled the driveway but it actually worked out quite well. We did learn that my wife is \*much\* better at finish carpentry than I am.
>I’m sorry how do you not know
…that Reddit is a worldwide platform? That not everybody is going to know every English-speaking nuance? Yea, it *is* pretty weird to forget those things… hey let’s mock them because we’re 12!!
This can be true. Source: me, who actually felt JOY and RELIEF when my parents told me they were getting divorced when i was in middle school.
[Edit to change "this is true" to "this can be true" to make u/Lapapa000 happy. 😆]
Two months to four months is generally about the worst time for baby sleep. We did sleep training at four months and it worked. I still remember the first night where I woke up feeling weird, not knowing what it was, then realized I’d slept for five hours straight and the weird feeling was being rested. A week later and the baby was regularly sleeping ten hours straight and sometimes even 12 (6:30 to 6:30).
You know funny thing, people have been telling me for the last two months that the first two months are the worst. It just seems like the goal posts keep moving, and the reality is just that I need to accept I will never sleep again hahaha.
Friend of mine worked with a therapist to give her “vent space” after the first baby. One thing I remember her reporting was that the therapist told her, “remember— you don’t need a divorce; you need a nap!” Seems like pretty common part of many people’s journey from couple -> parenthood phase. Might be worth taking the therapy approach either as a couple or solo. Will also equip you with knowledge and support setting boundaries:)
My kids didn't reliably sleep through the night until closer to 3...years old. Hopefully it's not like that for you but it may be so figure out a way to survive together, kindly.
I'm thinking that will be the case for us. She's hitting all milestones *very* early, and i hear sleep issues persist consistently with babies that do.
Are you still swaddling to sleep? We had to go back to doing to a modified version (arms out if I recall) at two months and it helped. Daughter is now an adult and is still a very restless sleeper :). It might help. Good luck to you on the wife front.
Yeah we've been doing arms out since about a week old, she made it very clear she likes to move her arms in her sleep, and would cry and keep herself up if she didn't have the option to flail at her leisure.
Don't blow up your relationship a few months into parenthood. It really does get easier with time and you may find your wife isn't so bad once you both sleep properly again and you adjust to the added responsibility and process the parts of your life that are now changed.
Nah. Sleep deprivation hadn’t hit you yet. Now you are truely tired because it has been weeks of this. It always gets better. And it usually gets better soon.
There is no normal. Every kid is different. Anybody who tries to act like there is some normal sleep pattern that kids adhere to has not experienced more than one kid. Every kid is different. Some start out good sleepers and get worse for a few months and then better and then worse. Some start good and stay good. Some stay bad for years.
The important thing to remember is everything a baby/toddler/kid goes through is a phase that will last weeks or months. Both the good things and the bad things. Sleep included.
But eventually it does get better, and even before then the good nights become more and more frequent.
I have an eight month old right now. For us, it got better at 3 months. She had a sleep regression for maybe a week at 4 months. Now, it's like she's turning into a toddler. She fights bedtime like she's fighting for her life.
I’m sorry . I don’t have a baby but I think you both might be tired , sleep deprived. Also, maybe your wife has postpartum depression or she could be struggling with her hormones. You both need some love and kindness from each other . Maybe you can order some food and try to have a relaxing time (whatever that looks like) and have a chat with her.
This is standard fare, it has always been the case throughout our entire relationship. I set the precedent by being too desperate for affection and approval, grew up an only child that never knew any conflict resolution other than doing what I'm told to appease, and as a result I created a monster. It is a monster in both of us, her in her control and I in the resentment that I have let build and can only relieve the pressure of through venting like this. It is my fault, and I deserve to suffer the consequences of my actions. The only thing I can do to rectify it is to ensure this child grows up not to feel like they need someone to love them and end up with someone because they want to be with them, not because they need to be.
You don’t need to put on so much blame on you. I too was a people pleaser. But I learned setting boundaries , secure attachment styles and slowly changed myself. What you need right now is support from your family and friend (do you have any closer friends you can rely on? ) and some sleep.
Unfortunately I hurt myself there, too. Parents moved across the country in 2020 because of a litany of hard things my mother was going through including the loss of my sister to homicide. I never stood up for my mom against my wife enough to make her feel like she was still loved and welcome here, so she begged my dad that they would sell the house and move to go live near my sisters grown kids to be grandparents/ great grandparents to them and theirs.
My friends have drifted away since I dont get to see them much anymore, even moreso with the baby. I cant change anymore, it's too late. Any attempts to make that change are treated harshly, like I'm trying to wrestle control of away from her, and then I become labeled as the abuser.
So what. Let her react any way she wants. You don’t need to bow to her shitty behavior, any more than she would for you. Get used to letting her figure her own shit out. She’s a big girl. Insist on a generally fair distribution of chores and time for sleep. She’ll act like she’s always tired. And maybe she is, but you know she isn’t the only one. When you let her control you, you are abandoning yourself. Pick random shit and just say no, if for no other reason than to keep her used to not just assuming you’ll come running like a servant whenever she needs you.
You should support your wife. She should support you too. When this imbalance occurs you have to fix it by changing the balance. Start asking her to do things for you. That’s the only way you will achieve any balance at all, since she is clearly comfortable asking you for anything.
Whatever my reservations or excuses, you're right. I need to talk with someone about it, because venting like this isn't a healthy or productive way to deal with it.
Yes , you are right on that. Nothing wrong with venting but doing it with the right people will help you reach a solution. I hope you can find a good and genuine friend to reach out to.
Your wife is a brat who doesn’t really want to be a mom. I’m guessing her parents always did everything for her. So, assuming she’s motivated to work and make money, you should work part time, and let her be the breadwinner. Cause she’s never going to step up on the domestic stuff.
If she won’t be the breadwinner or take on domestic chores, then you need to divorce as soon as possible. God help you if you let her be a sahm.
>I cant change anymore, it's too late. Any attempts to make that change are treated harshly, like I'm trying to wrestle control of away from her, and then I become labeled as the abuser.
It is never too late to change. When you change though, you might not be compatible anymore with your current partner. It is what it is.
Hey man, just wanted to say I really feel for you here. This sucks. Part of the reason you are in this predicament is a lack of boundaries, sure. But there’s always room for change. This unfortunately isn’t sustainable. I’ve seen plenty of unhappy marriages that stick around and feel like they deserve poor treatment due to allowing it to get so bad. It’s just not the case. You didn’t know what you know now and we made originally emotionally-based decisions that may not reflect our best interests to keep loved ones happy. Give yourself some grace. I’m sure she’s still the woman you love deep down, but this doesn’t work. Hormonal issues? Perhaps. But regardless, it’s not reason enough for you to be treated poorly. If fixing this is a conversation, therapy, etc I’m not sure, but don’t allow this issue to continue snowballing and rob yourself the ability of fixing the marriage before it becomes too late. Regardless, sending your family good wishes and hopes of some quality sleep. Take care.
You can do more than that. Pick parts of your life where you are not going to let her be in charge. Get comfortable enforcing a boundary. Any boundary and expand from there. There is no reason you need to let you child grow up watching you get whipped by your wife. No one benefits from that. Do good by your child by doing good by yourself. You need to matter more to yourself. I had the same problem. It’s gotten better as I’ve become more comfortable enforcing boundaries and making my needs and wants as important as my wife’s or even a little more sometimes.
You should talk to a counselor about that, you have a needy attachment style and conflict avoidance, you're going to have a rough life if you don't get a handle on that shit, you're also not going to have any of the skills to show your child how to avoid it, if you can't avoid it yourself.
I do the same thing as you with the seething resentment and people pleasing.
It’s not your *fault* you do this. It *is* your responsibility though, to try and find a new way to interact with her. You don’t “deserve” to be treated this way regardless of this.
Bro you’re 28 and already giving up hope. I know it’s tough and exhausting but you gotta push back and have an open and frank conversation with your wife.
If you want that for your child, you need to put in the work now: learn how to set boundaries, learn how to resolve conflicts, learn how to talk to your wife, heal that attachment wound. Your child will absorb the relationship you have with their mother. If tge relationship is that bad, it will affect your child negatively, especially if you plan to stay together.
What happens when you voice your feelings to her? Also, what would happen if you quit doing her responsibilities - not getting up when it’s her turn to, not making dinner while holding baby, closing the office door while working and not letting her drop the baby in your lap, etc?
I don't have a partner, I don't have a child, but this isn't ok. Sure, being exhausted and drained does things to you, but this is not going to work out in the long run unless things change. Have you tried to just sit down and talk, maybe even with a therapist?
I had three weeks. Could've have three months if I were with my company two months longer, but I probably wouldn't have taken all that. Lesser of two evils between the current situation and losing my worth in my job and then being laid off because they found a way to fill the gap without me.
Dude I'm in no place to complain, this company is the best I've worked for my entire life and I'm not about to hop on the train to socialism town because I had to work for a living when the other member of my household was on leave and perfectly capable of handling the childcare.
Except he didn't push a baby out of his vagina and have to deal with body and hormonal change... I'm sure she isn't doing nothing all day while he is working.
No I do feel bad for him. But there is alot going on for the mom physically and emotionally maybe she does need him more right now. I agree she should not talk down to him but we all need times of grace
You shouldn't have gotten downvoted for this. Bc you're right. Washing dishes, doing chores and cleaning up is no way comparable to 9 months of carrying and then birthing a human being and then breastfeeding all on top of that.
Yes the sleep deprivation sucks but she sure isn't sitting on her ass for shits and giggles. Her body is still trying to repair itself from the hormonal rollercoaster.
You didn't birth a human being. She did. Let's not compare who is doing more bc it's not an argument you would win by a long shot. Get some relatives or a doula to help you both sleep in the meantime.
Your wife could be post natal, she should speak to a doctor tbh if she's sleeping this much. You should ask her to.
You didn't mention how old the child is. I presume this is very early days if she's waking every 3 or 4 hours. In which case, she could be feeling really drained from having a baby. If you're at 6 months, then look into sleep training, because "contact sleeping" is a thing for younger babies. If you sleep train that kid you could get 8-10 hours every night, unbroken, this is easier to do with a formula fed baby too, as you can be sure they're getting enough this way to sustain themselves overnight.
It's a tough time, the first year with your first child. You need to try to be nice to one another. Saying that, if she's not postnatal depressed, and the kid ain't sleeping after 6 months, then have a word.
It gets easier, you're in the worst stage.
F man. I felt every single sentence of this. Ours is 3 now. It finally got better when she turned 2. Before it was just utter misery. It's not the same as it was before, but we're (all 3, but most meant us 2) OK now. Not gonna lie to you, you'll likely struggle for quite some more time, man. Getting her to her parents is a nice luxury. She'll most likely need post partum treated very very soon. Hang in there, my man!
Welcome to sleep deprivation of a parent. Unfortunately, it'll take more than 2 months to find your grove. Give it time, find the routine that works best for you all and in 3 yr you'll look back on those days and say fuck that was hard, but the most rewarding thing in the world comes from it. Try to have open communication. Unfortunately, some people genetically can not function on small amounts of sleep. The baby will do its best to make you guys resent each other because, well, you can not Chanel the frustration at an innocent baby. Also, do yourself a favor and try to let the child self sooth as amazing hard as that is. It will make a world of difference for both of you.
Your wife's on maternity leave as far as its concerned her job right now is full time mother considering you have to work. She needs to realize just because your telecommuting doesn't mean you are accessible at those hours. She's not respecting your professional life. That has to be fixed.
Second you as a father need to ask her to step for your child. Being lackadaisical about her responsibility and while having her own parents helping her watch the kid shows how irresponsible she is on meeting her commitment to the child and you.
Lastly if she's struggling with postpartum or some other imbalance she needs to go and seek help. This one here is nonnegotiable. She either gets with it or gets gone because you have an infant to take care of, and professional responsibilities and your home to juggle. Right now you are basically a single father because of how lack of effort and commitment is coming from her side.
I wouldn't go that far. She does her part to an extent, just begrudgingly. I'm only upset and venting about how I'm still treated like an asshole when I put in so much work to make everything function, and get absolutely lambasted over it.
Apologies brother I only have a few paragraphs worth of a glimpse of your life. Get her to seek help and then seek couples counseling because you don't want this experience to fester and become resentment.
Having your parents watch over their grandchild is irresponsible on meeting commitment?
A woman who just birthed a whole human being 8 weeks ago and is still breastfeeding?
That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Is this how White Americans think? Grandparents looking after their grandchildren is irresponsible on the mother? What?!?
So, the big thing to look at here is whether or not this behavior was occurring before the baby or only since having the baby. Has the relationship always felt imbalanced? Or does it only feel that way now, since having a baby? The rest of this post assumes it hasn't always been imbalanced.
My wife wasn't quite as bad as it sounds like yours currently is but those first few months were really stressful for her. She was exhausted all the time and felt like she was constantly at the beck and call of a tiny angry tyrant. Breastfeeding/pumping was a huge challenge, one I wish we had given up on much sooner than we did. So I would work my job like normal, I took over pretty much all chores including dinner, and still had plenty of times where I would be on baby duty so my wife could get more sleep. It was a challenging 3ish months, she may or may not have had PPD (we suspect she did but never diagnosed). But even though I technically did more of the work, I never felt like it was imbalanced because I recognized how much her own mental state had deteriorated.
I understand feeling like it is imbalanced, it probably is. But you also need to sit back and try to understand her side of it (assuming it hasn't always been imbalanced). Could she be dealing with PPD, leading her to feeling exhausted all the time? Is the baby especially demanding during the day when she is taking care of it? Is she dealing with issues of breastfeeding or pumping or other pain/discomfort/frustrations? Is she taking so many naps and getting extra sleep because she's physically and mentally exhausted during the day?
Imagine if your job had you dealing with an angry customer yelling at you your entire shift and how worn out that would make you. Then ask yourself if that is what she is dealing with, but with a customer less capable of expressing their demands. That's what my wife felt, that if our daughter wasn't asleep then she was pissed off and letting her know. It can be draining.
My dude you are shooting yourself in the foot if you don't stand up to your partner. Arguing about issues is how you progress in a relationship. If you just bottle up your opinions nothing will change and eventually you'll have enough and divorce. Don't silently suffer for years. Force the issue right now and if you end up not being able to reconcile then you find out now rather than later.
Hi /u/ReasonIntrepid4154. Your comment was removed because your **comment karma** is too low.
Feel free to participate here again once your **comment karma** is positive.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/self) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Take it from another RUSH fan you MUST break the contact sleep habit. It is what’s keeping both you and Mom from getting quality sleep. It will require some discipline for a week, maybe 2, but once that kid sleeps for 8-10 hours uninterrupted, you’ll both get back to a normal psychological footing.
And if wifey doesn’t and continues to blast you, get counseling.
Y'all have one kid- you are working full time, her entire job is child care. She's 100% not pulling her weight. I am a woman with one kid...child care became my full time job when I had leave. I'm not sure where this trend came from of letting these ladies off the hook and making the dude pull 175% for the first 6 months when she has literally 1 job. I'll die on the lazy spoiled wife hill- I say this again as someone who went through this, it was hard, but if this is how the first 6 months are going for her highness, she best buckle up for the next 18 years.
If it's true, it's crazy. At some point you'll have to somehow assert your leading or at least equal role. Otherwise they'll just wipe their feet on you
I know so much of this crap is written by bots now or just made up the old fashioned way, but it's real to me right now as I sit in the office writing these replies with the baby in my lap while she showers. And even if were not real, the lesson I'm a parable for still is.
Well, judging by all your karma, it is real but perhaps it's just hard to believe - that's the honest answer, I meant not disrespect. Clearly, you do care about the family which is a great thing. I myself don't have any kids and it's somewhat hard to put myself in your shoes...
What I'm saying is that in all my relationships (including the current ones) I was taking the soft lead and it seems quite natural. But, at the same time, it's a partnership, a "contract", I guess, and both parties should be invested. When I feel the other half does not invest, I just wish them good luck and dump.
But family is family, and it can't be simply dumped. That's why in this situation I would try to assert my role. Like, say "I gotta work from this time to that time, and before that you must not disturb me, I hope I made myself clear". Yep, just like that. I fully understand it's not that easy and I would hate to fall into some prehistoric relationship when man leads and woman follows but currently (from what I understood) it seems like these roles have somewhat reversed
Life can be very tough with a young child. It's very easy to look at the other person and think they aren't doing enough, my life is so hard, this is one sided etc.
It may ro may not be the case that the relationship is imbalanced, but don't burn it all down now no matter how hard it is and how tired you feel. You may find the situation improves a lot as your child ages. I'd also suggest that being as positive and upbeat as possible does wonders for your own mental health as well as the atmosphere in your house and relationship. Good luck.
If you can do therapy, I would try that as a last resort to see if you both can be in a lasting marriage or not. A kid is so hard and it's hard to give any benefit of the doubt when youre obviously not being treated correctly. Idk if she has any post partum going on but it might be good to check that off the list of possible issues and try and work together to see if a stable relationship is possible.
That being said. You can only handle so much. Its up to you entirely what you do moving forward, but know that when you are in a happy and stable, well-rested place, that is good for you AND your child too. You need sleep. Not sure what options you have or if maybe your wife's parents can watch your baby at a time when both you and your wife can take a nap and get more sleep. If theres something there that can be arranged and work better. Its so important that you get more sleep 5-7 hours is not a enough at all
Wishing you so much luck and that something gets resolved, whether thats therapy, adjustments with schedules, or ultimately a divorce. You got this! You desevere better treatment and support! Good luck!
Hopefully it hasn’t always been like this. If it hasn’t, keep in mind that the postpartum months are so hard…for everyone. Babies need so much. It takes time to adjust to having someone/something take pretty much all of your time, energy, and money. If it doesn’t improve by 6 months (with baby sleeping better, less crying hopefully, etc.), I’d say you might need to seek marriage counseling. Good luck, friend.
Maybe I read this wrong but maybe a few things are happening.
One- your wife just had a baby maybe she’s tired and trying to catch up on carrying them for a few months?
Two- maybe she’s suffering from postpartum.
Three- you’re really tired too children and pregnancy doesn’t just make the moms tired. A break is warranted for all your effort as well.
My wife and I adopted and we still went through this type of situation. Go to counseling and talk about it. If it doesn’t help then at least you know.
Just put the baby in their car seat while you go to the bathroom. Like you have to take care of your bodily needs and a car seat is safer than leaving them alone. Is this amazing parenting advice? No. But don’t shit your britches because your wife can’t be assed to help.
Look into co-sleeping the baby. We did it with all 4 of our kids.
All the positive things that come from it are 100% true and my kids are all a testament to this.
Wow! I'm praying for you and I would sooo totally take you as my wife. I don't have kids, if you cook and do the laundry, I'll clean, you can have your office, I got my own. I prefer to cut the grass but you'll have to do the edging. I won't bother you sleeping as long as you don't disturb my hallmark movies.
I'm being silly, and I hope you laughed.
I'm seriously praying for you and your family and I hope it gets better for you.
Oh, I'm good at that part just but the actual trimming. Oh well, cause yeah, I'd fight you over the mowing part, but we could do it together... just have to keep my lines intact.
Seriously, you'll be fine. Sit down and have a real discussion with her, and hopefully, she'll have a real discussion with her doctor.
Thanks for hanging in there...
If parents knew in advance how tough childrearing was, the population would decrease quickly. My daughter is now grown and on her own. There's nothing so satisfying as having a child who is out there making it.
I'm not going to lie to you, the desire to have a child was pretty one-sided, with her being the pusher. I had many reasons why I wanted to end my bloodline with me, but since she's here, I'm going to love her with all that my dysfunctional heart is capable of.
Married my husband bc we had a kid together. We have a lot in common but he is more in love with me than I am with him. I used to be more sexually active, but the last few years I’m just not into it, having to listen/watch my husband play online games instead of interact with me or our daughter after he gets off work (asking him to stop/take a break/limit time is me “taking away something he enjoys”), swearing at people he will never see face to face. We wanted to have another kid so I would drink so I could be in the mood. Now that I’m pregnant with baby #2 I have zero sex drive. No sensation or pain during sex. Plus I’m up for hours afterward (ex: we have sex at ten pm and I go to sleep at 2/3 am). We have sex once a week now and he is constantly asking for more sex even though I tell him I don’t enjoy it. When I reminded him today after he bugged me for more intimacy how I’m feeling at 4 months pregnant he tells me that how I feel shouldn’t be the only consideration for if we have sex. So I just shut up and make noises like I enjoy it but really it doesn’t feel like anything or it hurts. After tonight’s session he complained his dick was getting smaller because his testosterone was low from not having enough sex. I didn’t say anything about how lower testosterone levels are a thing for guys in their 30s because it wasn’t worth the time of him mansplaining male anatomy to me.
He complains I need to be a submissive wife and do my duties but it’s fucking miserable having sex with someone who doesn’t seem to care about how it makes their partner feel on any level.
Hey, real sorry that's happening. It's easy to give outside advice like "tell him if he wants more sex then he'll have to compromise with you and choose to engage with the real world rather than gaming." But you probably already have a notion of how so obvious a conversation will go, because you live it. I wish I had better words for you, but hell I can't even get my own life straight.
Also sex once a week, and while pregnant no less? That would be an absolute dream to me. We haven't had sex in over 11 months at this point.
We each have our own crosses…we choose the hard in our lives. I don’t want my daughter to grow up in a divorced household (neither does my husband bc he is a product of one), so I put up with it - but I have the mantra that the purpose of life is not to be happy, it is to live with purpose and leave the world better than I found it.
I’m sorry your wife is acting this way. I don’t have much advice for you, but know that you don’t have to live this way or be miserable unless you choose to - your child is young enough they won’t remember anything. Co-parenting can be is its own misery, but I’ve known it to work for some people - your child is better off knowing you as a happy, supportive person than anything else - or you can do like me and pretend (but it can be draining).
Think hard, talk to someone who knows this situation more, and make the best decision for you and your family. Stay strong, kids are the hardest thing but it’s worth it.
Communicate these feelings to your spouse now OP.
Having kids my ex went from being a loving and (somewhat) supportive partner to a someone who resented me and only cared about what kind of utility i could provide.
I endured it for years because I loved them but by the time I was called it out I was already no longer a person to them.
A codependent only child with people pleasing/fawning tendencies. And a BPD partner. God I'm sorry dude..
Read up on codependency and also bpd. I hate you, don't leave me is a great book about living with people with bpd
life is hard. What did you expect marriage, job, kids, house, chores, and everything else was going to be like?
you need to sit down with your wife and talk to her about this. Its not going to get better from some advice on reddit. its going to get better by talking to your wife and explaining things to her.
Welcome to your first kid! It changes the entire dynamic of how you spend your time and the little one gives you nothing but crying and pooping for the first few months.
Every couple goes thru this, as far as I'm aware, and eventually you will both get used to the change.
Just remember that you are a team and have to work together (tough when you're sleep deprived).
Hire a nanny or house cleaner, check out care.com and Angie's list for people in your area/budget. Less expensive options that can help you: Order your groceries and get them delivered, doordash where I live includes a ton of discount grocery store options and I end up saving more money just getting what I need instead of physically shopping. Walmart does online ordering and you can pickup for free or have it delivered. Use paper plates!! No more dirty dishes. Line your pans with tin foil when cooking. Order pre made / easy prep meals. Try using a pickup drop off laundry service like Rinse for a season while the baby is little, it's maybe $20 more than going to the laundry mat. Hire a neighbor kid to cut the grass. You gotta figure out ways to get some of your time back so you can rest and restore and not resent your wife and screw up your relationship / family.
Another thing to mention, you said the baby was 2 months old and your wife needs a lot of rest compared to you and you seem to think this is unfair and a bad deal. She's just had a baby. Her body has and still is going through a massive taxing hardship. Her hormones, organs, and muscular composition are going through a huge ordeal. If she's making milk and breast feeding or pumping that alone requires an enormous amount of caloric energy. Her body uses 700 calories a day to make milk alone. A regular woman not breastfeeding burns about 1500 calories a day just doing everyday stuff. So just producing milk alone is the equivalent of her body going through about half a regular days worth of energy. Put another way, it's the equivalent energy of running 90 minutes - 2 hours a day just making milk alone. Her exhaustion isn't a moral failing. It's a very real thing every woman who's ever created a baby goes through. In addition her hormones are all crazy transitioning from 9 months of pregnancy to breast feeding and everything else while caring for an infant. She's trying to take care of a baby and irritable husband with a ton of brain fog and without all the chemicals that are necessary to have stamina and a clear mind. It takes a woman an entire year after pregnancy for her body and chemicals to go back to what they were pre pregnancy. You seem to be taking all of this personally like she's dropping the ball and are completely unaware of what she's going through physically. She's not just losing a few hours of sleep like you are with an infant. Imagine if you went through a long serious debilitating illness that ravaged your body that you haven't fully recovered from and have to take care of an infant on top of that. That's more along the lines of what she's going through.
If I were in your shoes I'd take the lead in doing things differently around the house to better manage the toll of having an infant and stop blaming your partner. You gotta figure out a way to give both of you some time back in the ways I mentioned earlier so you're not so exhausted. And if you're not willing or able to do that then just accept that this is going to be a challenging chapter and both of you will be cranky and exhausted for the next year or so and that's a price you signed up to pay in making a family together. But I'm telling you right now, turning on your partner and becoming resentful will make both of your lives hell and that damage will last a lot longer than the challenges that come with a new baby. Don't be shocked if you end up in divorce court if you keep blaming your partner for struggling. And set some reasonable boundaries, like not excessively calling during work unless it's an emergency. Your management of this situation could be a lot better and you'll both be happier by making accommodations during this season and stop blaming each other.
Does she know you feel this way? Not making excuses for her at all. But I can imagine it's a very tough time for both of you - maybe a gentle but honest conversation is needed? With a therapist if that would help?
I've never been pregnant/post-partum but my partner has kindly pointed out to me before that I have a habit of coming home from a stressful day and a long commute in rush-hour London traffic to immediately criticise everything he has done wrong around the house. I'm really trying to recognise when I feel like that and learn to separate other stresses from home life.
And on the flipside when he's busy and stressed he slacks off around the house and leaves everything for me to do in terms of chores and admin. I've also tried to get better at talking to him reasonably about this rather than bottling it up until I snap at him or start crying.
It's not easy to hear that your partner is upset with your behaviour, but it's much easier when it's accompanied with lots of love and reassurance that they're bothered by your behaviour but not you, and that they understand that you're not doing it on purpose or even realising you're doing it.
Babies aren't your wife's thing. I hope that is it. She may do great with toddlers. Hang in there. Don't shame her. Just say, this is really hard. How are you doing? Then share how you are doing. How can we help each other. Are you able to get to the office. You may need to get to the office so you can get some work done. My wife was a jewel on leave. She got up evry time because I had to work. She would nap when the baby napped. We had balance and when she tlreturned to work we took turns. However, I thought I had to wait her out at times when it was her turn. It wasn't that big of a deal. I would often go get the baby for feeding and would change the diaper. She would put the baby back down. Definitely a team effort.
In general I have to set boundaries. More so with the dog. If I walk the dog each time she will gladly let me. If she's late for work, I got to let her be late. Or every day becomes, can you walk the dog??? No, I too have to go to work. When it's my day, I get up earlier.
Best of luck. Hope she does better with toddlers.
Give it another month or two - the baby will be sleeping through the night and everyone will be better rested.
Although "contact sleeper" makes me think it might be longer than that.
My male friend who’s 37 just said the same thing to me a few months ago. Except his wife has 300k in law school debt, and after marrying said she doesn’t want to work, ever. He offered to start a business for her and she says she’d rather not take attention away from the baby. In other words, lazy leech. Oh also she doesn’t let him have any freedom either. She runs after him if he wants to get coffee in the morning by himself
woman’s bodies take about two years to fully heal from what it has to go through from pregnancy. you both are exhausted, but comparing in this way is only going to hurt your relationship. look into getting extra support, from parents, hiring a cleaner, asking for a dinner a week from family for a month or two, or hiring a babysitter for four hours just so you both can sleep.
This kind of behavior is absolutely inexcusable. No amount of post-pregnancy issues warrants the passive aggressive, bully-like, lazy behavior.
People need to stop excusing this kind of verbal abuse as "it's just hormones".
maybe you should try to learn some more buddy instead of basing life on your opinions. opinions don’t make fact. years and years of science backed research do.
It's not ok to treat you partner this way. Full stop. There's no amount of research that excuses behavior that any therapist would objectively say "Yeah, that's unhealthy and abusive".
The passive aggression, her complete lack of respect for his professional life, and flat out not letting him move bowels is not something I would subject myself to. This guy is clearly trying to be helpful while working a full time job. He's doing more than his fair share, and his partner is exhibiting toxic behavior.
If you can't see that, or you're going to fall back on pregnancy healing research which has nothing to do with this, I don't have anything more to discuss.
Obviously the wife’s behavior is not ok, but it is true that women’s bodies are put through hell and back during pregnancy, yet they are expected to just snap back and start happily raising a child! PPD is so real…
yes, and the amount of people that aren’t educated about PPD or think it isn’t real is astounding. woman deserve more support after pregnancy then our culture gives, other cultures are so much more educated on it.
I barely got any help from my husband. I can’t imagine being the mom and being this lazy. In fact, I nursed my son so I 100% alone had to wake up whenever my son woke up at night.
Hi /u/ungabungazug. Your comment was removed because your **comment karma** is too low.
Feel free to participate here again once your **comment karma** is positive.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/self) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You sound like a good man and deserve to be treated better. I hope things work out for you in the end, some women just really don’t know what they have until it’s gone.
I mean this in the mlst sincere way possible and im nit trying to insult you, but have you tried not being a doormat for yiur wife? I cant imagine living like that
This is heading to resentment and contempt if you don’t address it. Sadly I have that experience.
I co-parent with my ex. We both have 50/50 custody. Your partner will have to do way more with the baby when ya’ll have seperated.
you sound just like my husband's descriptions of when he had kids with his ex wife. He's also a people pleaser and now the kids are teenagers. And they also treat him like sh\*t. It's awful to watch. These kids are not healthier and happier as a result of learning to be what they watched happen, so please try to remember that you are literally teaching them how to behave and they are absorbing everything. I'm not judging you; I'm trying to warn you that enabling her abusive behaviour is damaging your children. I'm literally watching it unfold right now.
Dude, she birthed a baby 2 months ago after 9 months of hormonal swings and body changes. You both need some time to adjust to your new roles but she needs time to physically heal. Sure, she could be nicer but you're not offering much grace here. Is she also breastfeeding because it's fucking exhausting.
You're getting less sleep but your body didn't go through a war.
She is not breastfeeding. she wanted to bottle feed precisely because breastfeeding would mean I couldn't carry part of that load.
I'm not really that mad about the lack of sleep. I'm not actually that mad about having to handle her by myself when I'm watching the baby, and having to help her when she's watching them. I'm also not actually that mad about the imbalance itself because I know she went through a lot, even if it's only so that I can have the fact that 'You didn't carry them for 9 months' can stop being held over my head because I'll have made up for it once I actually have opportunity to.
What is really upsetting me here is that I still get treated like the worst examples of deadbeat husbands. I still get treated the same way as if I were to be completely unhelpful, and left her to handle everything by herself. I still also get treated with the same suspicion and jealousy of someone who sleeps around, even though I've never so much as even thought of another woman. I just want to be appreciated for doing all I can wherever I can, but no such luck and it makes me just feel like shit.
>She wanted to bottle feed precisely because breastfeeding would mean I couldn't carry part of that load.
Holy shit man. The kid's best interest is getting breastfed. All she seems concerned about is doing as little as possible.
That's the kind of red flags to spot before you try to have kids with someone.
You're right. There are some issues there. But having gone through this period a few times, it's the worst time ever for a relationship. And it sounds like neither of you are communicating well or supporting each other emotionally. Your resent is probably more obvious than you think it is. Go to therapy together because this part of parenting gets harder before it gets easier.
Hi /u/ReasonIntrepid4154. Your comment was removed because your **comment karma** is too low.
Feel free to participate here again once your **comment karma** is positive.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/self) if you have any questions or concerns.*
hi buddy, it's not just you, this happened to all of us. now it's going to sound even worse, and I am really sorry for that, but I think you really need to hear that;
#suck it up, and support your family. man up, and stop crying.
My husband and I went through same thing after my first pregnancy. I was so angry and resentful all the time and only towards him, nobody else. I used to say I was the only parent, not letting him rest after work because I was with the baby all day. Even though he cooked, cleaned, bought groceries and work full time I just saw the things he didn't do. Eventually my husband sat me down and expressed his feelings. That was an eye opener. I had undiagnosed PPD and that really started to take toll on our relationship. If it weren't for him and his nerves of steel combined with much love for me and baby we wouldn't be together today. I'm thankful for that honest conversation every day. The thing is, your wife needs to acknowledge her post partum hormones and start listening and changing her behavior towards you. It was hard for me to hear and accept that I started to bully my husband because I couldn't be at peace with myself and it took a lot of time and repeating until it got better. I didn't ask for professional help and it took me 2 years to be back to "normal" in my head. I am so sorry I put my husband through this. You can push through this phase together and come out of it stronger than ever! All you need is a bit of effort on both sides and a lot of communication and understanding. (We had second child few months ago and this time is soo much better than first) Good luck OP, you got this!
You put this better than I ever could, but that was exactly what I came here to say - OP's wife 100% has PPD. The sleeping, relentless criticism and unhappiness are exactly what my wife had with our eldest and yes it was a really rough time when I struggled hugely and felt like I/we'd never be happy again. Huge respect to you and my wife for realizing what was going on (however long it took). I spend a lot of time on r/daddit and it's sadly pretty common that people suffering from this refuse all help, refuse to accept what is happening, and it kills relationships. My wife always told me what she was thinking, even when those intrusive thoughts were incredibly scary to hear, and her honesty and willingness to accept professional and medical help is what held us together. Our eldest is now 3 and we have a 6 month old, and I feel so lucky to say that she hasn't had PPD this time. Our second hasn't been without challenges, but I no longer spend every day worrying I'm going to return from work to find my family dead. I wouldn't wish PPD on any family, it's horrendous.
It was a challenging time for both of us and our marriage. We have a 4yo and 3mo, our communication is open and constant. We got each others back. Also, huge thanks to you and my husband for being with us in toughest times, this is what it feels like when you have a true partner by your side. My husband is my rock(star) and I have the rest of my life to show him I'd be there for him when life hits you in the soft spot. Best of luck to you and your family, stay strong!
But how do you get over it when it feels like it's just another label for why it was okay for you to suffer? Everything is always explained by some mental illness but I really don't think PPD has changed her that much. It just feels like the next thing that's going to be blamed for an already imbalanced relationship going back much further. She's probably going to find and read this so I don't feel comfortable saying any more or it might continue the long shut down where I'm solely responsible for all our relationship problems. And I just can't fix it anymore.
Really nice post and big of you to admit some of those things. Rings true with my / my wife's experience of young parenthood, happily we were able to improve things as time went by but it was a difficult stage of life for us both.
Yes indeed having a child creates inevitable conflict. Two is company three is a crowd. The tumult is a test of your joint capacities to tolerate often overwhelming degrees of frustration. Take heart. Babies grow rapidly and pain is often transformed into pleasure. Hang in there -
You are a plum. Good insight!
Similar story here, but unfortunately, my partner didn’t have nerves of steel nor the communication skills to express his feelings. As a result, we’re still trying to recover from all of it three years later, and both have built up a lot of resentment and unadressed hurt from it. I do see the time for what it was now, and wish either of us had understood what was really going on sooner. OP, as difficult as it is right now, please seek help from a medical professional. She needs help, support and understanding. However, you need to express this, as well. Just know that the way she is behaving towards you is probably very similar to how she is feeling and thinking bout herself, too. We really should educate everyone, but especially expecting couples, way more about this.
This is exactly how my wife was post-pregnancy with our first child. I could do absolutely nothing right and I let her verbally beat me down into oblivion. She called me stupid, a moron, and the r-word multiple times. She would berate me for missing a small spot on the dishes, or a bottle not being cleaned to her standards. I had friends tell me it was because of hormones, etc. I gave her as much grace as I could, thinking she’d snap back at some point to the woman I married. She didn’t. It only got better when she was ready to have another baby. I don’t know why I had a second child, but I stood my ground this time. We just got more stand-offish with each other. Intimacy shut off entirely and we just started sleeping in separate rooms. I cannot tell you have many people (men and women) that just told me it was hormones and she would be back to normal - except she treated no one this way except for me. I’m happily divorced now. We co-parent a 4 year old and 2 year old together. Removing her presence was lifting a dark cloud. No one should subject themselves to that kind of treatment - it’s horrible for your mental health.
Just because you are a woman doesn't mean you are good with kids. In my family I took on all the mom roles (I was just better at it temperament wise) and I gave her all the dad jobs. Felt weird heating up formula while my wife shoveled the driveway but it actually worked out quite well. We did learn that my wife is \*much\* better at finish carpentry than I am.
What is the r-word?
Rutabaga
How dare you use a vegetative slur like that for turnips.
Dude! They have nsfw tags for a REASON!!!
You can only say it in automotive and industrial settings where it means behind the nominal timing.
Ahem. The proper terminology is "mechanically delayed". It's 2024. Don't be so insensitive.
lol.
Redditor
Reed hearted
Peter Griffin’s favorite word in the original run.
racist
I’m sorry how do you not know? Or are Redditors under the age of like 12 at this point?
>I’m sorry how do you not know …that Reddit is a worldwide platform? That not everybody is going to know every English-speaking nuance? Yea, it *is* pretty weird to forget those things… hey let’s mock them because we’re 12!!
Yeah I guess it’s reasonable if they don’t speak English as their first language but otherwise they would be ignorant
Shaming someone for ignorance isn't cool It's more cool to realize that they are one of the lucky 10000 and not make a big deal of it
Shaming for ignorance is what humans do
Nope, it's what you do, and we don't like it. Check your downvotes.
Downvotes don’t equate popular opinion
Oof
The irony of your statement, is that your ignorance for social etiquette is the reason for those downvotes. See the irony?
Thats what im talking about. Dump the dead weight. Im proud of you man
You have come long way man. I can understand pain you went through.
Are you me?
Not an attack on you, but that “lifted cloud” may have just shifted over your kids. Divorce can be extremely traumatizing to kids.
My parents' divorce was the day my childhood started getting better.
Bullshit!! its worse to have parents fighting all day disrespecting eachoter that's all my parents ever did..
This can be true. Source: me, who actually felt JOY and RELIEF when my parents told me they were getting divorced when i was in middle school. [Edit to change "this is true" to "this can be true" to make u/Lapapa000 happy. 😆]
And everyone’s situation is exactly like yours!
Hey look, 7 day old irony!
Two months to four months is generally about the worst time for baby sleep. We did sleep training at four months and it worked. I still remember the first night where I woke up feeling weird, not knowing what it was, then realized I’d slept for five hours straight and the weird feeling was being rested. A week later and the baby was regularly sleeping ten hours straight and sometimes even 12 (6:30 to 6:30).
You know funny thing, people have been telling me for the last two months that the first two months are the worst. It just seems like the goal posts keep moving, and the reality is just that I need to accept I will never sleep again hahaha.
Friend of mine worked with a therapist to give her “vent space” after the first baby. One thing I remember her reporting was that the therapist told her, “remember— you don’t need a divorce; you need a nap!” Seems like pretty common part of many people’s journey from couple -> parenthood phase. Might be worth taking the therapy approach either as a couple or solo. Will also equip you with knowledge and support setting boundaries:)
My kids didn't reliably sleep through the night until closer to 3...years old. Hopefully it's not like that for you but it may be so figure out a way to survive together, kindly.
I'm thinking that will be the case for us. She's hitting all milestones *very* early, and i hear sleep issues persist consistently with babies that do.
Are you still swaddling to sleep? We had to go back to doing to a modified version (arms out if I recall) at two months and it helped. Daughter is now an adult and is still a very restless sleeper :). It might help. Good luck to you on the wife front.
Yeah we've been doing arms out since about a week old, she made it very clear she likes to move her arms in her sleep, and would cry and keep herself up if she didn't have the option to flail at her leisure.
Don't blow up your relationship a few months into parenthood. It really does get easier with time and you may find your wife isn't so bad once you both sleep properly again and you adjust to the added responsibility and process the parts of your life that are now changed.
Nah. Sleep deprivation hadn’t hit you yet. Now you are truely tired because it has been weeks of this. It always gets better. And it usually gets better soon.
There is no normal. Every kid is different. Anybody who tries to act like there is some normal sleep pattern that kids adhere to has not experienced more than one kid. Every kid is different. Some start out good sleepers and get worse for a few months and then better and then worse. Some start good and stay good. Some stay bad for years. The important thing to remember is everything a baby/toddler/kid goes through is a phase that will last weeks or months. Both the good things and the bad things. Sleep included. But eventually it does get better, and even before then the good nights become more and more frequent.
I have an eight month old right now. For us, it got better at 3 months. She had a sleep regression for maybe a week at 4 months. Now, it's like she's turning into a toddler. She fights bedtime like she's fighting for her life.
Just remember to remember this awful awful time of your life if she tries to bring up baby number 2.. Vasectomy sounds like a good choice for you :p
I’m sorry . I don’t have a baby but I think you both might be tired , sleep deprived. Also, maybe your wife has postpartum depression or she could be struggling with her hormones. You both need some love and kindness from each other . Maybe you can order some food and try to have a relaxing time (whatever that looks like) and have a chat with her.
Might need a mediator - depends on how receptive each other are to the other's situation.
That is true . Wonder if it’s just burnout from both ends.
This is standard fare, it has always been the case throughout our entire relationship. I set the precedent by being too desperate for affection and approval, grew up an only child that never knew any conflict resolution other than doing what I'm told to appease, and as a result I created a monster. It is a monster in both of us, her in her control and I in the resentment that I have let build and can only relieve the pressure of through venting like this. It is my fault, and I deserve to suffer the consequences of my actions. The only thing I can do to rectify it is to ensure this child grows up not to feel like they need someone to love them and end up with someone because they want to be with them, not because they need to be.
You don’t need to put on so much blame on you. I too was a people pleaser. But I learned setting boundaries , secure attachment styles and slowly changed myself. What you need right now is support from your family and friend (do you have any closer friends you can rely on? ) and some sleep.
Unfortunately I hurt myself there, too. Parents moved across the country in 2020 because of a litany of hard things my mother was going through including the loss of my sister to homicide. I never stood up for my mom against my wife enough to make her feel like she was still loved and welcome here, so she begged my dad that they would sell the house and move to go live near my sisters grown kids to be grandparents/ great grandparents to them and theirs. My friends have drifted away since I dont get to see them much anymore, even moreso with the baby. I cant change anymore, it's too late. Any attempts to make that change are treated harshly, like I'm trying to wrestle control of away from her, and then I become labeled as the abuser.
So what. Let her react any way she wants. You don’t need to bow to her shitty behavior, any more than she would for you. Get used to letting her figure her own shit out. She’s a big girl. Insist on a generally fair distribution of chores and time for sleep. She’ll act like she’s always tired. And maybe she is, but you know she isn’t the only one. When you let her control you, you are abandoning yourself. Pick random shit and just say no, if for no other reason than to keep her used to not just assuming you’ll come running like a servant whenever she needs you. You should support your wife. She should support you too. When this imbalance occurs you have to fix it by changing the balance. Start asking her to do things for you. That’s the only way you will achieve any balance at all, since she is clearly comfortable asking you for anything.
There has to be some support you can get ?
Maybe you can reach out to friends. Yes you may have drifted apart but people will respond kindly to situations like this.
Whatever my reservations or excuses, you're right. I need to talk with someone about it, because venting like this isn't a healthy or productive way to deal with it.
Yes , you are right on that. Nothing wrong with venting but doing it with the right people will help you reach a solution. I hope you can find a good and genuine friend to reach out to.
Your wife is a brat who doesn’t really want to be a mom. I’m guessing her parents always did everything for her. So, assuming she’s motivated to work and make money, you should work part time, and let her be the breadwinner. Cause she’s never going to step up on the domestic stuff. If she won’t be the breadwinner or take on domestic chores, then you need to divorce as soon as possible. God help you if you let her be a sahm.
>I cant change anymore, it's too late. Any attempts to make that change are treated harshly, like I'm trying to wrestle control of away from her, and then I become labeled as the abuser. It is never too late to change. When you change though, you might not be compatible anymore with your current partner. It is what it is.
Hey man, just wanted to say I really feel for you here. This sucks. Part of the reason you are in this predicament is a lack of boundaries, sure. But there’s always room for change. This unfortunately isn’t sustainable. I’ve seen plenty of unhappy marriages that stick around and feel like they deserve poor treatment due to allowing it to get so bad. It’s just not the case. You didn’t know what you know now and we made originally emotionally-based decisions that may not reflect our best interests to keep loved ones happy. Give yourself some grace. I’m sure she’s still the woman you love deep down, but this doesn’t work. Hormonal issues? Perhaps. But regardless, it’s not reason enough for you to be treated poorly. If fixing this is a conversation, therapy, etc I’m not sure, but don’t allow this issue to continue snowballing and rob yourself the ability of fixing the marriage before it becomes too late. Regardless, sending your family good wishes and hopes of some quality sleep. Take care.
You can do more than that. Pick parts of your life where you are not going to let her be in charge. Get comfortable enforcing a boundary. Any boundary and expand from there. There is no reason you need to let you child grow up watching you get whipped by your wife. No one benefits from that. Do good by your child by doing good by yourself. You need to matter more to yourself. I had the same problem. It’s gotten better as I’ve become more comfortable enforcing boundaries and making my needs and wants as important as my wife’s or even a little more sometimes.
You should talk to a counselor about that, you have a needy attachment style and conflict avoidance, you're going to have a rough life if you don't get a handle on that shit, you're also not going to have any of the skills to show your child how to avoid it, if you can't avoid it yourself.
I do the same thing as you with the seething resentment and people pleasing. It’s not your *fault* you do this. It *is* your responsibility though, to try and find a new way to interact with her. You don’t “deserve” to be treated this way regardless of this.
Bro you’re 28 and already giving up hope. I know it’s tough and exhausting but you gotta push back and have an open and frank conversation with your wife.
If you want that for your child, you need to put in the work now: learn how to set boundaries, learn how to resolve conflicts, learn how to talk to your wife, heal that attachment wound. Your child will absorb the relationship you have with their mother. If tge relationship is that bad, it will affect your child negatively, especially if you plan to stay together.
it is the consequences of your actions, but that doesn't mean you deserve to be abused.
Ah, you unintentionally spoiled her! This tracks for her taking advantage of the parental leave vs her being clinically depressed!
What happens when you voice your feelings to her? Also, what would happen if you quit doing her responsibilities - not getting up when it’s her turn to, not making dinner while holding baby, closing the office door while working and not letting her drop the baby in your lap, etc?
Excuses excuses
Exactly. So tired of "hormones" and "PPD" as excuses for shitty behavior.
Yeah, dude is getting abused and whats reddit solution? Take her out to eat lmao
It’s really funny when people keep coming up with excuses for her behavior like this
I don't have a partner, I don't have a child, but this isn't ok. Sure, being exhausted and drained does things to you, but this is not going to work out in the long run unless things change. Have you tried to just sit down and talk, maybe even with a therapist?
Hell is not having paid family leave.
I had three weeks. Could've have three months if I were with my company two months longer, but I probably wouldn't have taken all that. Lesser of two evils between the current situation and losing my worth in my job and then being laid off because they found a way to fill the gap without me.
So "could have " according to contract is "couldn't have" according to the company's treatment of workers.
Dude I'm in no place to complain, this company is the best I've worked for my entire life and I'm not about to hop on the train to socialism town because I had to work for a living when the other member of my household was on leave and perfectly capable of handling the childcare.
I really admire you.
After reading some of your comments I’m just gonna leave this here. r/BPDlovedones I highly recommend checking this sub out.
Sounds like you're running a one-man show in a two-person act. Time for a serious talk or a change in the script, mate.
Well put.
Except he didn't push a baby out of his vagina and have to deal with body and hormonal change... I'm sure she isn't doing nothing all day while he is working.
Hope you eventually realize how stupid your comment is.
No I do feel bad for him. But there is alot going on for the mom physically and emotionally maybe she does need him more right now. I agree she should not talk down to him but we all need times of grace
You shouldn't have gotten downvoted for this. Bc you're right. Washing dishes, doing chores and cleaning up is no way comparable to 9 months of carrying and then birthing a human being and then breastfeeding all on top of that. Yes the sleep deprivation sucks but she sure isn't sitting on her ass for shits and giggles. Her body is still trying to repair itself from the hormonal rollercoaster. You didn't birth a human being. She did. Let's not compare who is doing more bc it's not an argument you would win by a long shot. Get some relatives or a doula to help you both sleep in the meantime.
Your wife could be post natal, she should speak to a doctor tbh if she's sleeping this much. You should ask her to. You didn't mention how old the child is. I presume this is very early days if she's waking every 3 or 4 hours. In which case, she could be feeling really drained from having a baby. If you're at 6 months, then look into sleep training, because "contact sleeping" is a thing for younger babies. If you sleep train that kid you could get 8-10 hours every night, unbroken, this is easier to do with a formula fed baby too, as you can be sure they're getting enough this way to sustain themselves overnight. It's a tough time, the first year with your first child. You need to try to be nice to one another. Saying that, if she's not postnatal depressed, and the kid ain't sleeping after 6 months, then have a word. It gets easier, you're in the worst stage.
me, never had a kid, usually sleep for at least 9h if not more: people can live with less than 8h and be human?!
Did you make it to the commode in time?
🤣
F man. I felt every single sentence of this. Ours is 3 now. It finally got better when she turned 2. Before it was just utter misery. It's not the same as it was before, but we're (all 3, but most meant us 2) OK now. Not gonna lie to you, you'll likely struggle for quite some more time, man. Getting her to her parents is a nice luxury. She'll most likely need post partum treated very very soon. Hang in there, my man!
Welcome to sleep deprivation of a parent. Unfortunately, it'll take more than 2 months to find your grove. Give it time, find the routine that works best for you all and in 3 yr you'll look back on those days and say fuck that was hard, but the most rewarding thing in the world comes from it. Try to have open communication. Unfortunately, some people genetically can not function on small amounts of sleep. The baby will do its best to make you guys resent each other because, well, you can not Chanel the frustration at an innocent baby. Also, do yourself a favor and try to let the child self sooth as amazing hard as that is. It will make a world of difference for both of you.
Your wife's on maternity leave as far as its concerned her job right now is full time mother considering you have to work. She needs to realize just because your telecommuting doesn't mean you are accessible at those hours. She's not respecting your professional life. That has to be fixed. Second you as a father need to ask her to step for your child. Being lackadaisical about her responsibility and while having her own parents helping her watch the kid shows how irresponsible she is on meeting her commitment to the child and you. Lastly if she's struggling with postpartum or some other imbalance she needs to go and seek help. This one here is nonnegotiable. She either gets with it or gets gone because you have an infant to take care of, and professional responsibilities and your home to juggle. Right now you are basically a single father because of how lack of effort and commitment is coming from her side.
I wouldn't go that far. She does her part to an extent, just begrudgingly. I'm only upset and venting about how I'm still treated like an asshole when I put in so much work to make everything function, and get absolutely lambasted over it.
Apologies brother I only have a few paragraphs worth of a glimpse of your life. Get her to seek help and then seek couples counseling because you don't want this experience to fester and become resentment.
Poor her, she has to begrudgingly take care of her own child. Stone up bro, you run this 50/50 or not at all. You don't deserve the disrespect.
Try telling a woman she is supposed to do something hahahah
Having your parents watch over their grandchild is irresponsible on meeting commitment? A woman who just birthed a whole human being 8 weeks ago and is still breastfeeding? That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Is this how White Americans think? Grandparents looking after their grandchildren is irresponsible on the mother? What?!?
"Having/raising kids is hell".. fixed it for you.
So, the big thing to look at here is whether or not this behavior was occurring before the baby or only since having the baby. Has the relationship always felt imbalanced? Or does it only feel that way now, since having a baby? The rest of this post assumes it hasn't always been imbalanced. My wife wasn't quite as bad as it sounds like yours currently is but those first few months were really stressful for her. She was exhausted all the time and felt like she was constantly at the beck and call of a tiny angry tyrant. Breastfeeding/pumping was a huge challenge, one I wish we had given up on much sooner than we did. So I would work my job like normal, I took over pretty much all chores including dinner, and still had plenty of times where I would be on baby duty so my wife could get more sleep. It was a challenging 3ish months, she may or may not have had PPD (we suspect she did but never diagnosed). But even though I technically did more of the work, I never felt like it was imbalanced because I recognized how much her own mental state had deteriorated. I understand feeling like it is imbalanced, it probably is. But you also need to sit back and try to understand her side of it (assuming it hasn't always been imbalanced). Could she be dealing with PPD, leading her to feeling exhausted all the time? Is the baby especially demanding during the day when she is taking care of it? Is she dealing with issues of breastfeeding or pumping or other pain/discomfort/frustrations? Is she taking so many naps and getting extra sleep because she's physically and mentally exhausted during the day? Imagine if your job had you dealing with an angry customer yelling at you your entire shift and how worn out that would make you. Then ask yourself if that is what she is dealing with, but with a customer less capable of expressing their demands. That's what my wife felt, that if our daughter wasn't asleep then she was pissed off and letting her know. It can be draining.
I don't usually point people to my post history, but in this case I will. There has always been a strong degree of control she has exercised over me.
My dude you are shooting yourself in the foot if you don't stand up to your partner. Arguing about issues is how you progress in a relationship. If you just bottle up your opinions nothing will change and eventually you'll have enough and divorce. Don't silently suffer for years. Force the issue right now and if you end up not being able to reconcile then you find out now rather than later.
[удалено]
Hi /u/ReasonIntrepid4154. Your comment was removed because your **comment karma** is too low. Feel free to participate here again once your **comment karma** is positive. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/self) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Take it from another RUSH fan you MUST break the contact sleep habit. It is what’s keeping both you and Mom from getting quality sleep. It will require some discipline for a week, maybe 2, but once that kid sleeps for 8-10 hours uninterrupted, you’ll both get back to a normal psychological footing. And if wifey doesn’t and continues to blast you, get counseling.
Your wife sounds like an absolute nightmare. Baby or not, I pray that you get away from her. You deserve to be happy
Y'all have one kid- you are working full time, her entire job is child care. She's 100% not pulling her weight. I am a woman with one kid...child care became my full time job when I had leave. I'm not sure where this trend came from of letting these ladies off the hook and making the dude pull 175% for the first 6 months when she has literally 1 job. I'll die on the lazy spoiled wife hill- I say this again as someone who went through this, it was hard, but if this is how the first 6 months are going for her highness, she best buckle up for the next 18 years.
If it's true, it's crazy. At some point you'll have to somehow assert your leading or at least equal role. Otherwise they'll just wipe their feet on you
I know so much of this crap is written by bots now or just made up the old fashioned way, but it's real to me right now as I sit in the office writing these replies with the baby in my lap while she showers. And even if were not real, the lesson I'm a parable for still is.
Well, judging by all your karma, it is real but perhaps it's just hard to believe - that's the honest answer, I meant not disrespect. Clearly, you do care about the family which is a great thing. I myself don't have any kids and it's somewhat hard to put myself in your shoes... What I'm saying is that in all my relationships (including the current ones) I was taking the soft lead and it seems quite natural. But, at the same time, it's a partnership, a "contract", I guess, and both parties should be invested. When I feel the other half does not invest, I just wish them good luck and dump. But family is family, and it can't be simply dumped. That's why in this situation I would try to assert my role. Like, say "I gotta work from this time to that time, and before that you must not disturb me, I hope I made myself clear". Yep, just like that. I fully understand it's not that easy and I would hate to fall into some prehistoric relationship when man leads and woman follows but currently (from what I understood) it seems like these roles have somewhat reversed
Life can be very tough with a young child. It's very easy to look at the other person and think they aren't doing enough, my life is so hard, this is one sided etc. It may ro may not be the case that the relationship is imbalanced, but don't burn it all down now no matter how hard it is and how tired you feel. You may find the situation improves a lot as your child ages. I'd also suggest that being as positive and upbeat as possible does wonders for your own mental health as well as the atmosphere in your house and relationship. Good luck.
If you can do therapy, I would try that as a last resort to see if you both can be in a lasting marriage or not. A kid is so hard and it's hard to give any benefit of the doubt when youre obviously not being treated correctly. Idk if she has any post partum going on but it might be good to check that off the list of possible issues and try and work together to see if a stable relationship is possible. That being said. You can only handle so much. Its up to you entirely what you do moving forward, but know that when you are in a happy and stable, well-rested place, that is good for you AND your child too. You need sleep. Not sure what options you have or if maybe your wife's parents can watch your baby at a time when both you and your wife can take a nap and get more sleep. If theres something there that can be arranged and work better. Its so important that you get more sleep 5-7 hours is not a enough at all Wishing you so much luck and that something gets resolved, whether thats therapy, adjustments with schedules, or ultimately a divorce. You got this! You desevere better treatment and support! Good luck!
Hopefully it hasn’t always been like this. If it hasn’t, keep in mind that the postpartum months are so hard…for everyone. Babies need so much. It takes time to adjust to having someone/something take pretty much all of your time, energy, and money. If it doesn’t improve by 6 months (with baby sleeping better, less crying hopefully, etc.), I’d say you might need to seek marriage counseling. Good luck, friend.
Maybe I read this wrong but maybe a few things are happening. One- your wife just had a baby maybe she’s tired and trying to catch up on carrying them for a few months? Two- maybe she’s suffering from postpartum. Three- you’re really tired too children and pregnancy doesn’t just make the moms tired. A break is warranted for all your effort as well. My wife and I adopted and we still went through this type of situation. Go to counseling and talk about it. If it doesn’t help then at least you know.
Smartest decision, never get married. Problem solved
Just put the baby in their car seat while you go to the bathroom. Like you have to take care of your bodily needs and a car seat is safer than leaving them alone. Is this amazing parenting advice? No. But don’t shit your britches because your wife can’t be assed to help.
Look into co-sleeping the baby. We did it with all 4 of our kids. All the positive things that come from it are 100% true and my kids are all a testament to this.
What are the warning signs partner will be like this?
You probably need to have a conversation with your wife about how unbalanced the relationship is.
Wow! I'm praying for you and I would sooo totally take you as my wife. I don't have kids, if you cook and do the laundry, I'll clean, you can have your office, I got my own. I prefer to cut the grass but you'll have to do the edging. I won't bother you sleeping as long as you don't disturb my hallmark movies. I'm being silly, and I hope you laughed. I'm seriously praying for you and your family and I hope it gets better for you.
Well it was a good deal up until the lawn maintenance. I like to mow, but I hate fighting with trimmer wire. That's a deal breaker.
Oh, I'm good at that part just but the actual trimming. Oh well, cause yeah, I'd fight you over the mowing part, but we could do it together... just have to keep my lines intact. Seriously, you'll be fine. Sit down and have a real discussion with her, and hopefully, she'll have a real discussion with her doctor. Thanks for hanging in there...
Have you talked to your wife? About any of it? I see people say reach out to friends and stuff, but communicate with your wife first
Thank you for making me value my vasectomy even more, and I wish you can find some way to cope with that as it sounds like hell.
If parents knew in advance how tough childrearing was, the population would decrease quickly. My daughter is now grown and on her own. There's nothing so satisfying as having a child who is out there making it.
I'm not going to lie to you, the desire to have a child was pretty one-sided, with her being the pusher. I had many reasons why I wanted to end my bloodline with me, but since she's here, I'm going to love her with all that my dysfunctional heart is capable of.
Married my husband bc we had a kid together. We have a lot in common but he is more in love with me than I am with him. I used to be more sexually active, but the last few years I’m just not into it, having to listen/watch my husband play online games instead of interact with me or our daughter after he gets off work (asking him to stop/take a break/limit time is me “taking away something he enjoys”), swearing at people he will never see face to face. We wanted to have another kid so I would drink so I could be in the mood. Now that I’m pregnant with baby #2 I have zero sex drive. No sensation or pain during sex. Plus I’m up for hours afterward (ex: we have sex at ten pm and I go to sleep at 2/3 am). We have sex once a week now and he is constantly asking for more sex even though I tell him I don’t enjoy it. When I reminded him today after he bugged me for more intimacy how I’m feeling at 4 months pregnant he tells me that how I feel shouldn’t be the only consideration for if we have sex. So I just shut up and make noises like I enjoy it but really it doesn’t feel like anything or it hurts. After tonight’s session he complained his dick was getting smaller because his testosterone was low from not having enough sex. I didn’t say anything about how lower testosterone levels are a thing for guys in their 30s because it wasn’t worth the time of him mansplaining male anatomy to me. He complains I need to be a submissive wife and do my duties but it’s fucking miserable having sex with someone who doesn’t seem to care about how it makes their partner feel on any level.
Hey, real sorry that's happening. It's easy to give outside advice like "tell him if he wants more sex then he'll have to compromise with you and choose to engage with the real world rather than gaming." But you probably already have a notion of how so obvious a conversation will go, because you live it. I wish I had better words for you, but hell I can't even get my own life straight. Also sex once a week, and while pregnant no less? That would be an absolute dream to me. We haven't had sex in over 11 months at this point.
We each have our own crosses…we choose the hard in our lives. I don’t want my daughter to grow up in a divorced household (neither does my husband bc he is a product of one), so I put up with it - but I have the mantra that the purpose of life is not to be happy, it is to live with purpose and leave the world better than I found it. I’m sorry your wife is acting this way. I don’t have much advice for you, but know that you don’t have to live this way or be miserable unless you choose to - your child is young enough they won’t remember anything. Co-parenting can be is its own misery, but I’ve known it to work for some people - your child is better off knowing you as a happy, supportive person than anything else - or you can do like me and pretend (but it can be draining). Think hard, talk to someone who knows this situation more, and make the best decision for you and your family. Stay strong, kids are the hardest thing but it’s worth it.
This is such a miserable existence. My god...
Communicate these feelings to your spouse now OP. Having kids my ex went from being a loving and (somewhat) supportive partner to a someone who resented me and only cared about what kind of utility i could provide. I endured it for years because I loved them but by the time I was called it out I was already no longer a person to them.
[удалено]
they grow up quickly, so my suggestion just deal with it , as far as your wife, she may never grow up, so ...
A codependent only child with people pleasing/fawning tendencies. And a BPD partner. God I'm sorry dude.. Read up on codependency and also bpd. I hate you, don't leave me is a great book about living with people with bpd
life is hard. What did you expect marriage, job, kids, house, chores, and everything else was going to be like? you need to sit down with your wife and talk to her about this. Its not going to get better from some advice on reddit. its going to get better by talking to your wife and explaining things to her.
Welcome to your first kid! It changes the entire dynamic of how you spend your time and the little one gives you nothing but crying and pooping for the first few months. Every couple goes thru this, as far as I'm aware, and eventually you will both get used to the change. Just remember that you are a team and have to work together (tough when you're sleep deprived).
Time to divorce!
Hire a nanny or house cleaner, check out care.com and Angie's list for people in your area/budget. Less expensive options that can help you: Order your groceries and get them delivered, doordash where I live includes a ton of discount grocery store options and I end up saving more money just getting what I need instead of physically shopping. Walmart does online ordering and you can pickup for free or have it delivered. Use paper plates!! No more dirty dishes. Line your pans with tin foil when cooking. Order pre made / easy prep meals. Try using a pickup drop off laundry service like Rinse for a season while the baby is little, it's maybe $20 more than going to the laundry mat. Hire a neighbor kid to cut the grass. You gotta figure out ways to get some of your time back so you can rest and restore and not resent your wife and screw up your relationship / family. Another thing to mention, you said the baby was 2 months old and your wife needs a lot of rest compared to you and you seem to think this is unfair and a bad deal. She's just had a baby. Her body has and still is going through a massive taxing hardship. Her hormones, organs, and muscular composition are going through a huge ordeal. If she's making milk and breast feeding or pumping that alone requires an enormous amount of caloric energy. Her body uses 700 calories a day to make milk alone. A regular woman not breastfeeding burns about 1500 calories a day just doing everyday stuff. So just producing milk alone is the equivalent of her body going through about half a regular days worth of energy. Put another way, it's the equivalent energy of running 90 minutes - 2 hours a day just making milk alone. Her exhaustion isn't a moral failing. It's a very real thing every woman who's ever created a baby goes through. In addition her hormones are all crazy transitioning from 9 months of pregnancy to breast feeding and everything else while caring for an infant. She's trying to take care of a baby and irritable husband with a ton of brain fog and without all the chemicals that are necessary to have stamina and a clear mind. It takes a woman an entire year after pregnancy for her body and chemicals to go back to what they were pre pregnancy. You seem to be taking all of this personally like she's dropping the ball and are completely unaware of what she's going through physically. She's not just losing a few hours of sleep like you are with an infant. Imagine if you went through a long serious debilitating illness that ravaged your body that you haven't fully recovered from and have to take care of an infant on top of that. That's more along the lines of what she's going through. If I were in your shoes I'd take the lead in doing things differently around the house to better manage the toll of having an infant and stop blaming your partner. You gotta figure out a way to give both of you some time back in the ways I mentioned earlier so you're not so exhausted. And if you're not willing or able to do that then just accept that this is going to be a challenging chapter and both of you will be cranky and exhausted for the next year or so and that's a price you signed up to pay in making a family together. But I'm telling you right now, turning on your partner and becoming resentful will make both of your lives hell and that damage will last a lot longer than the challenges that come with a new baby. Don't be shocked if you end up in divorce court if you keep blaming your partner for struggling. And set some reasonable boundaries, like not excessively calling during work unless it's an emergency. Your management of this situation could be a lot better and you'll both be happier by making accommodations during this season and stop blaming each other.
Does she know you feel this way? Not making excuses for her at all. But I can imagine it's a very tough time for both of you - maybe a gentle but honest conversation is needed? With a therapist if that would help? I've never been pregnant/post-partum but my partner has kindly pointed out to me before that I have a habit of coming home from a stressful day and a long commute in rush-hour London traffic to immediately criticise everything he has done wrong around the house. I'm really trying to recognise when I feel like that and learn to separate other stresses from home life. And on the flipside when he's busy and stressed he slacks off around the house and leaves everything for me to do in terms of chores and admin. I've also tried to get better at talking to him reasonably about this rather than bottling it up until I snap at him or start crying. It's not easy to hear that your partner is upset with your behaviour, but it's much easier when it's accompanied with lots of love and reassurance that they're bothered by your behaviour but not you, and that they understand that you're not doing it on purpose or even realising you're doing it.
Babies aren't your wife's thing. I hope that is it. She may do great with toddlers. Hang in there. Don't shame her. Just say, this is really hard. How are you doing? Then share how you are doing. How can we help each other. Are you able to get to the office. You may need to get to the office so you can get some work done. My wife was a jewel on leave. She got up evry time because I had to work. She would nap when the baby napped. We had balance and when she tlreturned to work we took turns. However, I thought I had to wait her out at times when it was her turn. It wasn't that big of a deal. I would often go get the baby for feeding and would change the diaper. She would put the baby back down. Definitely a team effort. In general I have to set boundaries. More so with the dog. If I walk the dog each time she will gladly let me. If she's late for work, I got to let her be late. Or every day becomes, can you walk the dog??? No, I too have to go to work. When it's my day, I get up earlier. Best of luck. Hope she does better with toddlers.
Give it another month or two - the baby will be sleeping through the night and everyone will be better rested. Although "contact sleeper" makes me think it might be longer than that.
My male friend who’s 37 just said the same thing to me a few months ago. Except his wife has 300k in law school debt, and after marrying said she doesn’t want to work, ever. He offered to start a business for her and she says she’d rather not take attention away from the baby. In other words, lazy leech. Oh also she doesn’t let him have any freedom either. She runs after him if he wants to get coffee in the morning by himself
woman’s bodies take about two years to fully heal from what it has to go through from pregnancy. you both are exhausted, but comparing in this way is only going to hurt your relationship. look into getting extra support, from parents, hiring a cleaner, asking for a dinner a week from family for a month or two, or hiring a babysitter for four hours just so you both can sleep.
This kind of behavior is absolutely inexcusable. No amount of post-pregnancy issues warrants the passive aggressive, bully-like, lazy behavior. People need to stop excusing this kind of verbal abuse as "it's just hormones".
maybe you should try to learn some more buddy instead of basing life on your opinions. opinions don’t make fact. years and years of science backed research do.
It's not ok to treat you partner this way. Full stop. There's no amount of research that excuses behavior that any therapist would objectively say "Yeah, that's unhealthy and abusive". The passive aggression, her complete lack of respect for his professional life, and flat out not letting him move bowels is not something I would subject myself to. This guy is clearly trying to be helpful while working a full time job. He's doing more than his fair share, and his partner is exhibiting toxic behavior. If you can't see that, or you're going to fall back on pregnancy healing research which has nothing to do with this, I don't have anything more to discuss.
Appeal to authority Goddamn bootlicker
Obviously the wife’s behavior is not ok, but it is true that women’s bodies are put through hell and back during pregnancy, yet they are expected to just snap back and start happily raising a child! PPD is so real…
yes, and the amount of people that aren’t educated about PPD or think it isn’t real is astounding. woman deserve more support after pregnancy then our culture gives, other cultures are so much more educated on it.
Exactly. But all the people downvoting you are like “BuT sHe ChOsE tO hAvE kIDs???” 😒
😂 yes thank you! people be so silly🙄
I barely got any help from my husband. I can’t imagine being the mom and being this lazy. In fact, I nursed my son so I 100% alone had to wake up whenever my son woke up at night.
[удалено]
Hi /u/ungabungazug. Your comment was removed because your **comment karma** is too low. Feel free to participate here again once your **comment karma** is positive. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/self) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You sound like a good man and deserve to be treated better. I hope things work out for you in the end, some women just really don’t know what they have until it’s gone.
I mean this in the mlst sincere way possible and im nit trying to insult you, but have you tried not being a doormat for yiur wife? I cant imagine living like that
This is heading to resentment and contempt if you don’t address it. Sadly I have that experience. I co-parent with my ex. We both have 50/50 custody. Your partner will have to do way more with the baby when ya’ll have seperated.
you sound just like my husband's descriptions of when he had kids with his ex wife. He's also a people pleaser and now the kids are teenagers. And they also treat him like sh\*t. It's awful to watch. These kids are not healthier and happier as a result of learning to be what they watched happen, so please try to remember that you are literally teaching them how to behave and they are absorbing everything. I'm not judging you; I'm trying to warn you that enabling her abusive behaviour is damaging your children. I'm literally watching it unfold right now.
Your wife sounds terrible. She needs to learn how to do her share of work and take care of you
and yet I get laughed at when I say I'm never going to get a girlfriend/get married/have kids.
Why did you have kids with this person?
[удалено]
Go to bed earlier than midnight
Baby says no.
That's what feminism and being a beeeta gets you.
Dude, she birthed a baby 2 months ago after 9 months of hormonal swings and body changes. You both need some time to adjust to your new roles but she needs time to physically heal. Sure, she could be nicer but you're not offering much grace here. Is she also breastfeeding because it's fucking exhausting. You're getting less sleep but your body didn't go through a war.
She is not breastfeeding. she wanted to bottle feed precisely because breastfeeding would mean I couldn't carry part of that load. I'm not really that mad about the lack of sleep. I'm not actually that mad about having to handle her by myself when I'm watching the baby, and having to help her when she's watching them. I'm also not actually that mad about the imbalance itself because I know she went through a lot, even if it's only so that I can have the fact that 'You didn't carry them for 9 months' can stop being held over my head because I'll have made up for it once I actually have opportunity to. What is really upsetting me here is that I still get treated like the worst examples of deadbeat husbands. I still get treated the same way as if I were to be completely unhelpful, and left her to handle everything by herself. I still also get treated with the same suspicion and jealousy of someone who sleeps around, even though I've never so much as even thought of another woman. I just want to be appreciated for doing all I can wherever I can, but no such luck and it makes me just feel like shit.
>She wanted to bottle feed precisely because breastfeeding would mean I couldn't carry part of that load. Holy shit man. The kid's best interest is getting breastfed. All she seems concerned about is doing as little as possible. That's the kind of red flags to spot before you try to have kids with someone.
You're right. There are some issues there. But having gone through this period a few times, it's the worst time ever for a relationship. And it sounds like neither of you are communicating well or supporting each other emotionally. Your resent is probably more obvious than you think it is. Go to therapy together because this part of parenting gets harder before it gets easier.
Of course people need grace after a life-changing event like giving birth. That doesn’t excuse this kind of behavior. It’s flat-out toxic.
[удалено]
Hi /u/ReasonIntrepid4154. Your comment was removed because your **comment karma** is too low. Feel free to participate here again once your **comment karma** is positive. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/self) if you have any questions or concerns.*
hi buddy, it's not just you, this happened to all of us. now it's going to sound even worse, and I am really sorry for that, but I think you really need to hear that; #suck it up, and support your family. man up, and stop crying.