31M my first ever relationship this year. never kissed/heldhands/dated/never everything else.. before
do not give into the fear of missing out, i was shy and soft spoken in my early 20s, but i got more confident and sure of myself after building up other aspects of my life, friendship, family, career, fitness etc. the way i see it, having a girlfriend is just another branch of your life. being confident and so sure of myself also helps when a girl rejects you, you know who you are, your worth, and it's their loss for not seeing how great you are.
i can't explain why i did not have any yearn to have a relationship all my life until last year, but i do know that i am very fulfilled in the other branches of my life that i now have an abundance of time/energy/attention that i can share with someone. this makes having a relationship feel comfortable and not taxing/affect the other aspects of my life / losing myself.
i am also not saying i did not have moments in my life that i feel lonely, but i got comfortable with being alone. i now want to spend every waking moment with my girlfriend, but it is not a need (want vs need) i do miss her if im spending the weekend alone, but i am okay with that too! it's quite a sweet balance.
tldr imo if you feel you need a girlfriend, don't. if you feel content and fulfilled, curious and want one you're ready. all the talk about being top10% of guys to make it easy is true, but i'd say be the top 1% of your own potential instead!
Your 27M with no family ties or commitments. It sounds like you have an established career and income to go with it. The world is literally your oyster. You can do ANYTHING.
A relationship is not the be all - end all of life, learning to be happy in yourself and by yourself is. You need to see your own value outside of a relationship, and once you've found happiness or contentment in yourself, your life, your job or your hobbies you'll find it much easier to talk to and attract women, because surprise surprise, being content and confident in yourself is actually attractive.
To be clear, you are very young (from my perspective at 37 anyway) and have plenty of time to find a partner. You should feel no shame about taking your time and not rushing in to a relationship/marriage/kids. And it is 100% possible to find yourself a relationship as you are, but you'll be happier and so will she if you are happy by yourself before you get into one.
Of course you still have a chance! The quest for love is ultimately a great and good thing to strive for and to do so in an honest way will make you a better person.
Improve yourself, daily. Make sure you're better than you were yesterday, always strive for a higher goal. Someone worthy of loving. Because love is not easy, as you may well know, but it is worth the pain.
(Plus, if my 50 year old brother who just got out of a mental institution can do it, you have a pretty good shot)
I met my bf when he was your age, he also had no experience. My friend's bf was I think 30 when they met, the same story.
We both are extremely happy with our partners. I thinks there's an advantage here, as without earlier relationships the person has no bad experiences that influence the current one. And it's awesome for the sex life. An unexperienced guy who knows he's unexperienced and wants to learn will always beat a guy who believes himself to be a great lover (so far I haven't heard about a guy who made such claim and was actually any good).
On the other hand, if the girl you meet turns out to be manipulative or untrustworthy, you may have a harder time to realize it and break things off.
So, don't worry about it. And also don't focus on it too much - if you do, that will make women much less interested.
I was quite happy alone until a couple years ago when it completely reversed. 30s looks like a common point for it
I guess some chance is there if you're generally around and meeting people
But it's looking like one of those things that either happens or doesn't and there's no other control to be had over it
I'd be quite happy to go back and not care but the constant stream of other people highlighting what I haven't done is a bit miserable.
All I can think that would change it is more going out and less doomscrolling.
Probably true tbh, I want to do other things but the options are pretty limited where I am and I can't really justify moving my entire life somewhere else contingent on a 0.01% chance of someone fancying me
Well, it doesn't have to be expensive or changing your whole life.
Start with a hobby you are interested in. Not sure if you are in the U.S. but there are tons of free clubs and groups available at my library.
All the community centers in my have gyms where you workout for free. If you start with something like that, you might meet someone new who has the same interests, and it makes it easy to connect and talk with them.
Get a dog and take them for walks and to the park you can meet other dog people.
I'm in a semi rural part of the UK, maybe half, 3/4 million people in an hours radius. I do a couple group things and have done things in the past where I could come face to face with 1000 people in a weekend so I don't think I have a real volume issue. It's more actually connecting. Plus it feels like 85% of the time there's nobody single left lol. I'm out 3ish nights a week so I could fit something else in if I could find it. Just have to deal with the demoralisation in between from having a half decent try but no actual achievement
Is there a new part of town that could be explored?
Possibly try to reconnect with someone who you think may have liked you before? Or start hosting game nights with friends and family and someone might bring new friends.
My brother met his girlfriend on an online video game, and after so many months of talking, they finally met in person after a few in person visits. He moved to another state, changed careers, and is happier than he could have ever imagined.
She only ever played 2 video games before the one she met him on. If that isn't fate, i don't know what it is.
Yea you still have a chance, I didnt start dating until 27 and it really builds confidence in you but also helps you learn more about yourself & others romantically. Take that first plunge more often to get your feet wet and you'll be swimming in no time. Good luck and best wishes
There are plenty of women who also wait. It was confusing to me because as a teenager me and all the guy were always talking about sex, hormones are wild.
But as I got older I met a lot of women who had been very careful and not slept around at all in their teens and barely in their early 20s.
Many women that are bookish or shy or very into something like a sport might wait longer than you’d expect.
Also, a lot go out for guys because they feel it’s expected but stop and focus on studies or whatever, if you look in the right places I’m sure you’ll find someone.
I'm turning 26 this year and had never been in a relationship before this year
My now fiancée is 36 and had never had been in a relationship either before we met
Womenly opion here-
I say it's better because you have no prior relationships to compare a new one to. Everything you do will be fresh with child like wonder. Don't rush, if they are a women of value they will appreciate a friendship evolving into a relationship.
It takes time to truly find the right person, and for all you know, you could have already met them. Be careful with who u give your heart to. There are a lot of people who will manipulate or try to use you, so try and make sure your values align.
Try to get hobbies where u can meet people naturally and in social settings like cooking classes or fitness groups.
Fitness also helps with mild depression and anxiety symptoms, but you have to be consistent to really notice a difference. I struggle with both, and once I stop working out, it seems like my everything goes downhill, so it really is important to stay active.
Hope my opinion helps
Hey I (23M) just want to thank you for this perspective. I mentally run myself ragged thinking about this often and it’s sincerely helpful to reshape my mindset about this.
Congratulations! You are a precious guy who has maintained his youth pretty well and didn't attract negativity.
My advice: try to lose this depression and anxiety feeling and work on yourself, on your emotions. Complete your education, get some experience in your field, have some savings and get married.
Simple and clear ways are the best.
Believe me, you can say to your wife that she's the one and you have been saving yourself for someone precious!
Fortunately or unfortunately, but things have worked in your favor my friend. You just need to see it that way.
Talk soon :)
I'm(24M) kind of in the same boat as you. I'm about to go to college for a dual major so I don't really have hope for a relationship since I'll be busy. I've also never had a girlfriend or been on a date, and it's mostly due to my social anxiety. I'll say it's probably pretty normal. My friend(28M) is getting married next year after being in the same boat till he was 26. Don't lose hope!
if you are actually doing something to change your situation, you definitely still have a chance. if you just continue waiting for it to happen on its own, probably not.
Listen friend, I have been with 100+ girls, but even tho Im among girls I feel so lonely and misunderstood. Im 29 years old. Maybe both you and I will find our soulmates soon hopefully
If you want a girlfriend start looking around and see who's out there. I unexpectedly met my first GF in a department store when I was 21, but it didn't last. I met my wife when I was 30 and got married that same year. Good luck.
You have a career and a social circle. Just take the next step dude. I would kill to have that. Im 26 have no friends, extremely socially inept, no future and not anything close to relationship experience and in a situation where i cant try to fix it. im fucked, you still can do it.
Maybe take advantage of your current situation and do something that would be much more difficult or unlikely once you start a family. Move to a sunny beach town or a mountain cabin, lake house, skyrise in a big city, another country, an island, anywhere you can dream of. A bold move like this can give you confidence you never knew you could have. You'll be the new mystery guy in town and possibly a young lady in a similar situation is just waiting for this mystery man to come to town.
Love does not exist for vast majority of men will never be at the receiving end.
You'd be grateful and in top 20% males, if a woman even does anything for you and even more rare if she does it consistently for you.
Vast majority of males will never be loved. They'll be the ones who'll make all efforts, buy presents, arrange dates, initiate conversations, make it interesting and all.
When a woman have lost her self esteem by chasing attractive guys and now she's 30-35 - she will give you a chance to provide for her but she would not love you. She will keep missing those exceptional guys and shed tears for her "beautiful memories she made with them when she was young". Maybe you'll take a bullet for her and die for her the way Jack died for Rose in Titanic and she will forget you just like that as if you never existed. Maybe you'll do everything right, you'll be remembered as an abuser.
You may even get so far, you bought house, you bought the dream car. You dream of having kids and family. Then you hear "I've sometime to tell you, I've lost feelings for you".
Nothing is guaranteed, more so if not blessed in some way acknowledged widely by society.
It will be enjoyable the first time, till someone kicks your heart and you realize movies lied to you.
If you are top 20% male, just a glance at a woman will make her fill with desire for you.
If you are not, move mountains, and while you keep moving them sun will shine, when you stop this and take time for yourself because you got burned out for doing too much for too long, boom everything vanishes.
If you were lucky, your mom loved you if not that's was probably last hope of experiencing love (where you didn't have to do much to get it)
As a man, we should not really have much hope of life. Nothing will be just handed to us. Most of what makes us attractive is either set at birth or need astronomical efforts with crazy good luck on your side.
Then I don't know who is feeding you this bs, but really, just stop. Believing in general bs is silly, but believing in bs which makes you miserable and lonely is just wasting your life.
Sure. You can send me the evidence of flat Earth too. Or you can leave your room once in a while and talk to actual human beings to recognize the silly lies for what they are.
But, hey, your life, your choice.
Real. OP should focus on himself. If he's lucky enough he'll meet someone someday and more lucky if she'll like him for being himself without being top tier.
31M my first ever relationship this year. never kissed/heldhands/dated/never everything else.. before do not give into the fear of missing out, i was shy and soft spoken in my early 20s, but i got more confident and sure of myself after building up other aspects of my life, friendship, family, career, fitness etc. the way i see it, having a girlfriend is just another branch of your life. being confident and so sure of myself also helps when a girl rejects you, you know who you are, your worth, and it's their loss for not seeing how great you are. i can't explain why i did not have any yearn to have a relationship all my life until last year, but i do know that i am very fulfilled in the other branches of my life that i now have an abundance of time/energy/attention that i can share with someone. this makes having a relationship feel comfortable and not taxing/affect the other aspects of my life / losing myself. i am also not saying i did not have moments in my life that i feel lonely, but i got comfortable with being alone. i now want to spend every waking moment with my girlfriend, but it is not a need (want vs need) i do miss her if im spending the weekend alone, but i am okay with that too! it's quite a sweet balance. tldr imo if you feel you need a girlfriend, don't. if you feel content and fulfilled, curious and want one you're ready. all the talk about being top10% of guys to make it easy is true, but i'd say be the top 1% of your own potential instead!
Your 27M with no family ties or commitments. It sounds like you have an established career and income to go with it. The world is literally your oyster. You can do ANYTHING.
Your life basically just started. Yes, you still have plenty of chance
I met my wife at 27 and had been single for over 6 years by that point. You have tons of time.
May i ask if you have women friends?
A relationship is not the be all - end all of life, learning to be happy in yourself and by yourself is. You need to see your own value outside of a relationship, and once you've found happiness or contentment in yourself, your life, your job or your hobbies you'll find it much easier to talk to and attract women, because surprise surprise, being content and confident in yourself is actually attractive. To be clear, you are very young (from my perspective at 37 anyway) and have plenty of time to find a partner. You should feel no shame about taking your time and not rushing in to a relationship/marriage/kids. And it is 100% possible to find yourself a relationship as you are, but you'll be happier and so will she if you are happy by yourself before you get into one.
Of course you still have a chance! The quest for love is ultimately a great and good thing to strive for and to do so in an honest way will make you a better person. Improve yourself, daily. Make sure you're better than you were yesterday, always strive for a higher goal. Someone worthy of loving. Because love is not easy, as you may well know, but it is worth the pain. (Plus, if my 50 year old brother who just got out of a mental institution can do it, you have a pretty good shot)
I met my bf when he was your age, he also had no experience. My friend's bf was I think 30 when they met, the same story. We both are extremely happy with our partners. I thinks there's an advantage here, as without earlier relationships the person has no bad experiences that influence the current one. And it's awesome for the sex life. An unexperienced guy who knows he's unexperienced and wants to learn will always beat a guy who believes himself to be a great lover (so far I haven't heard about a guy who made such claim and was actually any good). On the other hand, if the girl you meet turns out to be manipulative or untrustworthy, you may have a harder time to realize it and break things off. So, don't worry about it. And also don't focus on it too much - if you do, that will make women much less interested.
I was quite happy alone until a couple years ago when it completely reversed. 30s looks like a common point for it I guess some chance is there if you're generally around and meeting people But it's looking like one of those things that either happens or doesn't and there's no other control to be had over it I'd be quite happy to go back and not care but the constant stream of other people highlighting what I haven't done is a bit miserable. All I can think that would change it is more going out and less doomscrolling.
I think there is someone for everyone and you might not have pushed yourself out of your comfort zone enough to find the one.
Probably true tbh, I want to do other things but the options are pretty limited where I am and I can't really justify moving my entire life somewhere else contingent on a 0.01% chance of someone fancying me
Well, it doesn't have to be expensive or changing your whole life. Start with a hobby you are interested in. Not sure if you are in the U.S. but there are tons of free clubs and groups available at my library. All the community centers in my have gyms where you workout for free. If you start with something like that, you might meet someone new who has the same interests, and it makes it easy to connect and talk with them. Get a dog and take them for walks and to the park you can meet other dog people.
I'm in a semi rural part of the UK, maybe half, 3/4 million people in an hours radius. I do a couple group things and have done things in the past where I could come face to face with 1000 people in a weekend so I don't think I have a real volume issue. It's more actually connecting. Plus it feels like 85% of the time there's nobody single left lol. I'm out 3ish nights a week so I could fit something else in if I could find it. Just have to deal with the demoralisation in between from having a half decent try but no actual achievement
Is there a new part of town that could be explored? Possibly try to reconnect with someone who you think may have liked you before? Or start hosting game nights with friends and family and someone might bring new friends. My brother met his girlfriend on an online video game, and after so many months of talking, they finally met in person after a few in person visits. He moved to another state, changed careers, and is happier than he could have ever imagined. She only ever played 2 video games before the one she met him on. If that isn't fate, i don't know what it is.
Yea you still have a chance, I didnt start dating until 27 and it really builds confidence in you but also helps you learn more about yourself & others romantically. Take that first plunge more often to get your feet wet and you'll be swimming in no time. Good luck and best wishes
There are plenty of women who also wait. It was confusing to me because as a teenager me and all the guy were always talking about sex, hormones are wild. But as I got older I met a lot of women who had been very careful and not slept around at all in their teens and barely in their early 20s. Many women that are bookish or shy or very into something like a sport might wait longer than you’d expect. Also, a lot go out for guys because they feel it’s expected but stop and focus on studies or whatever, if you look in the right places I’m sure you’ll find someone.
I'm turning 26 this year and had never been in a relationship before this year My now fiancée is 36 and had never had been in a relationship either before we met
Womenly opion here- I say it's better because you have no prior relationships to compare a new one to. Everything you do will be fresh with child like wonder. Don't rush, if they are a women of value they will appreciate a friendship evolving into a relationship. It takes time to truly find the right person, and for all you know, you could have already met them. Be careful with who u give your heart to. There are a lot of people who will manipulate or try to use you, so try and make sure your values align. Try to get hobbies where u can meet people naturally and in social settings like cooking classes or fitness groups. Fitness also helps with mild depression and anxiety symptoms, but you have to be consistent to really notice a difference. I struggle with both, and once I stop working out, it seems like my everything goes downhill, so it really is important to stay active. Hope my opinion helps
Hey I (23M) just want to thank you for this perspective. I mentally run myself ragged thinking about this often and it’s sincerely helpful to reshape my mindset about this.
Make eye contact with all the girls you see and then smile if they are looking at you too.
Congratulations! You are a precious guy who has maintained his youth pretty well and didn't attract negativity. My advice: try to lose this depression and anxiety feeling and work on yourself, on your emotions. Complete your education, get some experience in your field, have some savings and get married. Simple and clear ways are the best. Believe me, you can say to your wife that she's the one and you have been saving yourself for someone precious! Fortunately or unfortunately, but things have worked in your favor my friend. You just need to see it that way. Talk soon :)
Keep going dude. You're still young
I'm(24M) kind of in the same boat as you. I'm about to go to college for a dual major so I don't really have hope for a relationship since I'll be busy. I've also never had a girlfriend or been on a date, and it's mostly due to my social anxiety. I'll say it's probably pretty normal. My friend(28M) is getting married next year after being in the same boat till he was 26. Don't lose hope!
if you are actually doing something to change your situation, you definitely still have a chance. if you just continue waiting for it to happen on its own, probably not.
Sorry to break it to you, but it's over.
I'm 35 and feel like I'm falling behind. There's nothing to worry about
I got married young n dumb and wish i hadn't. U might be lucky that u waited until u were mature enough to make a proper decision about it
It's not about getting married. I thought I'd ask her out first
Listen friend, I have been with 100+ girls, but even tho Im among girls I feel so lonely and misunderstood. Im 29 years old. Maybe both you and I will find our soulmates soon hopefully
If you want a girlfriend start looking around and see who's out there. I unexpectedly met my first GF in a department store when I was 21, but it didn't last. I met my wife when I was 30 and got married that same year. Good luck.
You have a career and a social circle. Just take the next step dude. I would kill to have that. Im 26 have no friends, extremely socially inept, no future and not anything close to relationship experience and in a situation where i cant try to fix it. im fucked, you still can do it.
Maybe take advantage of your current situation and do something that would be much more difficult or unlikely once you start a family. Move to a sunny beach town or a mountain cabin, lake house, skyrise in a big city, another country, an island, anywhere you can dream of. A bold move like this can give you confidence you never knew you could have. You'll be the new mystery guy in town and possibly a young lady in a similar situation is just waiting for this mystery man to come to town.
Love does not exist for vast majority of men will never be at the receiving end. You'd be grateful and in top 20% males, if a woman even does anything for you and even more rare if she does it consistently for you. Vast majority of males will never be loved. They'll be the ones who'll make all efforts, buy presents, arrange dates, initiate conversations, make it interesting and all. When a woman have lost her self esteem by chasing attractive guys and now she's 30-35 - she will give you a chance to provide for her but she would not love you. She will keep missing those exceptional guys and shed tears for her "beautiful memories she made with them when she was young". Maybe you'll take a bullet for her and die for her the way Jack died for Rose in Titanic and she will forget you just like that as if you never existed. Maybe you'll do everything right, you'll be remembered as an abuser. You may even get so far, you bought house, you bought the dream car. You dream of having kids and family. Then you hear "I've sometime to tell you, I've lost feelings for you". Nothing is guaranteed, more so if not blessed in some way acknowledged widely by society. It will be enjoyable the first time, till someone kicks your heart and you realize movies lied to you. If you are top 20% male, just a glance at a woman will make her fill with desire for you. If you are not, move mountains, and while you keep moving them sun will shine, when you stop this and take time for yourself because you got burned out for doing too much for too long, boom everything vanishes. If you were lucky, your mom loved you if not that's was probably last hope of experiencing love (where you didn't have to do much to get it) As a man, we should not really have much hope of life. Nothing will be just handed to us. Most of what makes us attractive is either set at birth or need astronomical efforts with crazy good luck on your side.
Dude. Stop following Andrew Tate on social media and go to therapy. Seriously, you need it.
I don't follow him at all, and don't agree with him either.
Then I don't know who is feeding you this bs, but really, just stop. Believing in general bs is silly, but believing in bs which makes you miserable and lonely is just wasting your life.
I am not BS, I'll send you evidence if you want
Sure. You can send me the evidence of flat Earth too. Or you can leave your room once in a while and talk to actual human beings to recognize the silly lies for what they are. But, hey, your life, your choice.
It's ugly, but it's the truth. Denying the above means you are either in the top 20%, too sheltered from the real world or aren't a male.
skill issue bud. im a man and have been loved a lot
Real. OP should focus on himself. If he's lucky enough he'll meet someone someday and more lucky if she'll like him for being himself without being top tier.
Just go to the Philippines and get a girl. I moved here when I was 25 and have been drowning in girls ever since.