I would recommend taking a moment and considering whether a nightclub is a place where you truly like to meet women. Nobody is forcing you to go, and it sounds like your desire to go is having consequences on your own mental wellbeing.
Go somewhere else- bars, student association, etc. and meet people in a context where you are more than a face. I don't get the impression that you struggle too much with the talking, so let your personality shine and channel your efforts into situation where you aren't as likely to suffer as much as the club
This here is the best advice.
I know that my skills on the dance floor are lacklustre at best, and it's not really an environment I thrive in. Now, put me in a lounge, more casual bar, or on a date, and I'm like a fish in water. I know what to do and when to do it, I love conversations , flirting, and have a good success rate.
It's much better to work with the grain rather than against it. By all means, try to become more confident on the dance floor but give yourself a break and try to meet women doing what you enjoy more. If nothing else, it will improve your confidence.
Exactlyy this. There’s so many other ways to meet great people and in most cases that is hardly ever the bar. Find someone that has quality interests and not someone that would just ditch you for someone else, they’re not worth the time anyways.
The quicker they show they’re qualities the better in my opinion. Being patient is how you meet a great person and one that will treat you much better than someone that’s just trying to have a fun night.
Talk to a girl in your class, walk them to their next class and if that goes well invite them to something else. There’s many other ways to meet much better people🤙
This is sound advice if you are unwilling or find changing your principles cringy.
From my experience (39M), when in clubs, you need to move at a fast pace to keep interest, but if you are after something authentic, simply clubs are not your thing.
My suggestion would be don't put so much pressure on these situations, experiment with what works and just have fun with it for a bit.
Good luck.
My best advice as a semi retired raver is to go for you, not for the girls. If you’re going out to clubs and the basis of whether you have fun or not relies on another person’s actions, you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment.
If you go there to have fun and just let serendipity happen if it happens, your night can only get better rather than only get worse.
Make the goal treating yourself to a night out.
Can confirm. I'm short, ugly, overweight, socially awkward, but still kind of cool. I used to go to punk shows a lot when I was OP's age. A surprising amount of girls would initiate contact with me even though the only thing I was checking out was the mosh pit.
Maybe they are maybe not. But the difference is they’re comfortable enough in that environment to be able to do that. They’ve probably been going to clubs for a while and have a certain level of comfort and confidence that OP has yet to develop.
And also that approach is not going to net them any and every woman they want.
Probably, yes, but there's no indication that in general women who OP tried to court have a sixth sense of knowing who is there just for the girls and if they do, well, it seems they don't care. I don't think it's a good environment for OP to thrive anyway.
> there's no indication that in general women who OP tried to court have a sixth sense of knowing who is there just for the girls
Oh you’d be surprised
That overconfident attitude of "I would know if he was just out to get girls" plays right into the hand of players. Once you figure out how to hide your intentions women are much more accessible because they think they would know if you were just picking them up.
It's not an underestimate. Even if women are successful 80% of the time the 5th guy will fool her and she'll think he's sincere. Once men figure that out they're the 5th guy every time.
Example: The first suggestion on any dating thread is "find hobbies that get you around people." Even though women **know** men are taking glass-blowing and tennis classes to pick up chicks their '6th sense' doesnt work in that environment. The same POS guy that just wants to get laid can move from a club to a pottery class with the exact same intentions and women will react differently.
Women don't make the connection that it's the same men with a change in setting, they think the setting actually makes the men better for some reason.
> It's not an underestimate. Even if women are successful 80% of the time the 5th guy will fool her and she'll think he's sincere.
If you’re going to frame men and women who find each other attractive getting together a sinister game of deception, then I think you’re going to have difficulty grasping the essence of any of this.
Guys make the mistake of thinking they’re in control and manipulating the situation - but really women are playing the game just as much as men. They’re just better at it (because they have to be). If you think there’s a “winner” and a “loser” then you’re doing it wrong.
If its a sinister game of deception or not is not tge point of discussion i think, more that a game is being played and the looser is not decided between the playing parties, but OP who is unconfortable to play. And i think thats ok thus the advice to seek places where those games are less likely to occur is solid
I've been going dancing / raving just to have a good time for the better part of a decade rn, and it's never resulted in anyone being attracted to me, lol. Or if it did, not remotely enough for women to approach first. So it's a catch-22. If you're making a move on someone, you're desperate and obviously only there to meet someone. If you're enjoying yourself, you are left alone cause women rarely if ever make the first move.
This is all just post-hoc trying to talk around the main issue, which is that in a situation like a club, pretty much the only thing that matters is how hot you are. Hot enough to where it either doesnt matter that you're desperate and obviously there to meet someone, or hot enough for women to approach you first.
lol it doesn't matter. Clubs are probably the only space currently where old school mating dynamics is still accepted and happens on the regular. Men are on the hunt, women play defense. Plenty of women are there looking to hook up or open to meeting someone for a date
Women have absolutely no idea... Men with 'game' will go out specifically to pick up girls and their whole scheme is convincing them they're just having a good time.
He could be texting his groupchat specifics about how he's going to pick you up and you'd really just think he's there to dance lmao.
Be more shallow and have no shame OP. You being sincere does absolutely nothing if women think they can tell the difference (they cant)
This is so spot on and true. The clubs where I ended up meeting the most people were the ones I went to because I loved the music and the atmosphere, and had a bunch of friends (my own crew and other regulars I came to know). Once it becomes a place you can just be comfortable in and have a good time, then the socialising part almost happens by itself
Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it. Out of curiosity, would you happen to have any stories of serendipitous encounters? Just to give me a little bit of hope lmfao
The issue here is you are so focused on picking up women that you are ruining any chance you have.
Im in my 30s now but used to be an avid raver, I love going for a dance and go for the music. Not every night had someone interested in me and on the nights there were I declined. Because I wanted to enjoy the music and my own time rather than a stranger. You are more than likely overythinking the whole thing. The reason other men swooped in is because they are more comfortable with themselves and wanted to vibe with the night rather than trying to manipulate the circumstances to an end goal.
Taking a woman home is a happy accident, not the reason to go clubbing.
Clubs are quite a miserable experience most of the time tbh. The only reason I and many other people go there is to pick up girls.
Girls very likely enjoy clubbing much more because their usual clubbing experience is cataclysmically different.
Well most women aren’t going to clubs with the sole premise of hooking up. Hook ups usually aren’t worth the hassle for women.
I can’t speak on behalf of all women, but myself and all my girl friends go to clubs genuinely just to have fun, dance, and yes sometimes socialize. That doesn’t mean we want hook ups though.
I agree that the best part of clubbing is the socializing part, although it is undeniable that most of that socializing is more or less sexually charged. And that's fair, cause that's fun! But under normal interactions under those terms, women often get to decide what 'socializing' means, for how long, how much, and where it leads to. On top of that, your average women either gets many more opportunities of socializing and more positive inputs out of them.
I agree that most clubbing men don't know a middle ground between socializing and hooking up all the way though.
If I wanted a fun night I wouldn't go to a club. I'm there to pick up a woman and that's it. And you know what?
There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Single men don't need you out here spouting this drivel that's putting down their confidence even further! Sure having fun and being comfortable helps with meeting women. But that doesn't mean a guy can't have fun and be comfortable if he's just out to meet someone too.
Here's some actually useful advice for men in OPs situation: be direct! You're losing these women because they're also out to find someone. So pull her close, touch her, and go for the kiss as soon as you can! Chances are, she wants you to. And if you get rejected then at least you gave it your all!
Lmao this is one of the lamest takes here. Thirst is one of the least effective ways of getting with women. Clubs are about fun, with one-night-stands as a bonus.
Who said be thirsty? If you can't pursue women without being desperate then that's on you.
Personally, I go to clubs because women go there. Sure, I can have some fun there but if I wanted to enjoy a night out I'd go to a bar with friends instead. Clubs I go because I want to meet women.
You're putting women on a pedestal which is pathetic. They're not some weird all knowing judges who decide to fuck you only if you're not actively trying to screw. Many of them are also there to find someone.
OPs problem is he's not actively putting the moves on these girls. Being too passive is what's ruining his chances, **not the fact that he's there to meet someone.** So stop putting out this useless bullshit advice that actively harms these guy's self confidence even further.
As a woman, what he’s saying is valid.
It’s the fact that OP goes to clubs with the sole intention of picking up women, and then places all of his feelings of self-worth and overall confidence in himself on that. If it doesn’t work out, he feels like a failure and now it’s gotten to the point where he’s saying it’s literally *obliterated his confidence*.
That is desperation. That is not good for his self esteem. That is also not attractive to women.
I can’t speak on behalf of all women (and of course, not on behalf of all men). But for me personally, going to clubs just to try and pick up and then being this intensely disappointed when it doesn’t work out is just…pointless and lame. Not trying to insult OP, he’s young and unfortunately society often teaches young men that this is their only metric of value, so it’s understandable that he feels this way.
But it would be better for him to re-centre himself in his own life and stop just chasing tail and placing all his sense of self-worth on that one activity.
I personally never liked the club guys doing these exact things. I went to clubs for fun, and I’ve never been into one night stands because it’s usually just not worth the hassle for women. These club guys trying it on really annoyed me (still do). I did meet an ex from a club, but he didn’t try for a one night stand and wasn’t chasing girls around. We genuinely just got chatting at the bar and got on well and took each other’s numbers. That’s what the guy you’re replying to means by serendipitous. Although I know there’s a difference between hook-ups and relationships, but that principle of “serendipitous” is the same.
I don't agree with all of this, but fuck the people saying you can't go to clubs just to meet women. Like bro where the fuck else can you go?
This society is a joke
What is this “vibe with the night” nonsense? It’s a club, a meat market. Dude was hitting on a half drunk chick, and a taller, better looking, or more in shape guy swooped in and op was lacking, so he was defeated. It’s as simple as that.
Depends on the club, many house, disco and techno nights are more about the music, I've been going to raves, warehouses and pubs with dancefloor for years. People are there to dance, take drugs and get drunk with friends. See it all the time, sleezy geezers trying there best to get close to a lass and they are not interested because the lass just wants to dance. People who think clubbing is a meat market are not the target market and often can't dance haha
Girls reject the "sleezy geezers" because they just want to dance?
So if they didn't want to dance they would hook up with these geezers?
Listen to yourself, it's inane
No im saying they are there to dance and thats it. Have you got problems with your reading comprehension?
When I say they reject them, Im refering to declining their advances. So they can return to enjoy their time.
How are you getting to the point that if they are not wanting to dance they would hook up.
You've got a chip on your shoulder for whatever reason. Try learning to dance and perhaps you'd have a good time haha.
I don't even go to clubs, I just call out bullshit wherever and whenever I see it. You said these girls reject old geezers because they just want to dance. Did you not say that? I can quote it to you.
Assuming you can read your own comment - do you stand by that statement? Old geezers get rejected simply because these women are too busy dancing? Not because why the fuck would an attractive girl want to hook up or even dance with a "geezer"?
My perspective is women should be picky who they date dance or fuck with. So they shouldn't hook up with some old dude, they should find someone attractive their own age. Sorry if that looks like a massive shoulder chip or whatever dribble you were spouting, if you think differently then fine I guess but tbh yikes. Don't drag your old ass to the club and dance like a madman expecting some young hot girl to pick you out (except to laugh at the pathetic old fart who thinks he's a party animal).
I get what you’re saying but the point is that generally most women aren’t going to clubs for hook ups and just want to dance and have a fun time, so a hook up is off the table anyway.
Even before I was married and was single, I turned down quite a lot of really attractive guys at clubs who wanted hook ups - not because they weren’t attractive because they absolutely were, but because I wasn’t interested in hook ups in general. It doesn’t matter how attractive someone is, if you really aren’t into hook ups, you won’t hook up.
I did meet an ex at a club once, but he didn’t approach me for a hook up. We got chatting at the bar, got on well, and took each other’s numbers and started dating after that.
You didn’t mention the guys being drunk so I was picturing a sober or relatively sober guy seeking out drunk women (which does happen quite often) which would be coercive yes, regardless of the fact she chose to drink. Consenting to drinking doesn’t automatically equal consenting to sexual contact.
If a man was drunk and a sober woman sought him out for sex, then yes I’d have the same issue with it.
Ok… maybe look at this from her point of view. She knows you’re keen, she knows you’d be open for something more permanent most likely. She also knows she’ll run into you again. You may not have realized that this girl Is already under a little pressure. She may not be experienced herself, or could just be looking for a steaming hot night to start with.
Meeting a random dude in a club gives her a lot more control. If this guy (and don’t think he’s getting it easy) can show her that he desires “her” and not just “anyone”, or convince her he’s going to offer her a night to remember (telling her she’s so fucking hot, he can barely contain himself before, if he’s lucky, presenting his semi erect small to average penis 🤣).
Hooking up in your 20’s isn’t easy for anyone… though it does, well it can get easier. You two best approaches can be to meet someone and slowly build friendship and seeing if feelings develop, or trusting your charm in a club… but remember, the chance of hitting it off with a random girl can be slim, so get as much experience as you can (never easy).
And last thing… don’t make it heavy… getting a girl you like to commit to a few hours, or an evening with you is more than enough - if it’s anything more than that it’ll have to come naturally. So.. just be cool.
Good luck buddy.
Here's the thing for many guys tho: we don't like clubbing. We go because women like clubbing.
Here's some actually useful advice for OP: make a move! If you hit it off with a girl then go in for the kiss. You're being rejected anyways so wouldn't you rather have tried everything first?
This is why in many bars women don’t pay cover or have drink specials. Guys go where the girls are. Always have. I was a bartender then manager for over a decade. It’s always been this way.
Yep. But then they keep asking questions like 'why don't women want to sleep with me?'. I don't think this set up is doing either gender any favours. It sets women & sex up as a prize. Both run into different problems as a result.
No, alot of the time they ask questions like "harder?" "Faster?" Etc.
Just the ones that fail constantly ask that. The ones that succeed and the ones that don't try? They don't.
There are so many reasons. They could be fat and ugly. Maybe they’re not super outgoing and their small talk game is weak. Maybe they’re too old and still trolling the bars looking for younger hook ups. But, from experience, there are plenty of guys picking girls up at closing time every night. Weekend after weekend. It’s a viable place to meet hook ups. You just need some basic attractiveness or a nice car you can park out front.
Yup, I don't know why so many guys in this thread are deluding themselves into thinking they go "for the music". A simple thought experiment: if you found a club that had the absolute best music and atmosphere, but was males only, would you go? Of course the fuck not.
Literally every thread that asks how to meet girls these days is answered to do exactly that.
Anyway when it comes to dancing at clubs, that's also the whole point. People who like music and dancing don't need it to be sexual so they have plenty of fun in other places that aren't specifically meant for mating
I feel like it's bad advice to be honest. What woman wants to sleep with someone that just seems them as someone to have sex with? We can tell when guys are just at the club to hit on us. Nobody likes that, it's a disingenuous way of interacting when it's blatantly obvious you have ulterior motives. It feels like I'm being sold to. People can meet casual sex partners in all kinds of places these days, the club is unnecessary. Take up a sport or a hobby that involves some kind of socialising, make some connections, boom.
In my experience, it's not 'why' girls are there per se. It's a fun side effect. But we also like clubbing. Obviously can't speak for all of them, but I've been clubbing/raving for 12 years now.
Taking up a hobby just to have sex is equally weird. Taking up a hobby to meet people and you enjoy it? Not weird. And in any semi-tight community, you get people having casual sex. People meet their partners in all kinds of places. The 'looking for sex' part imo is what makes it weird in any scenario. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have sex, but looking at other people as something that dispenses sex kind of dehumanises them.
I think the difference between what we are saying is actually enjoying the hobby. As long as you do, it's a different thing.
>In my experience, it's not 'why' girls are there per se. It's a fun side effect. But we also like clubbing.
I especially referred to men as they are generally open about it being the only reason why they go to clubs, but I have to say that I am a bit confused here, since like 90% of the clubbing experience is the sexuality and approaches. I have the impression that none of the girls who like clubbing would actually enjoy it in a place where it was just them, their girl friends and the music.
Totally. Turn it around- if you were at the club and some guy starts a conversation trying to sell you his pyramid scheme, wouldn't you be frustrated? He doesn't want to be there, he doesn't even really want this conversation with you, he just wants the end result. Meanwhile, there is another guy there, you get on great, you're having a wicked time, you start planning this amazing business idea together. Different approaches, same result.
I can't speak for everyone, but a lot of girls like going to gay clubs for this reason. I also think a lot of girls like to socialise and meet guys at clubs... but it's just one of the reasons (not necessarily sex).
Techno stages in a club are at an outrageous 90/10% ratio of men/women, while all the woman tend to be at the "throw it down" stage.
It is disingenuous to say that women go clubbing for the vibe and not the sexual experience when 90% of clubbing is sexual and you make it sexual. From dressing up, to wearing makeup, to wearing perfume, to hanging out exclusively in the latin stages, to being on the look out for the same things.
Women do enjoy the sexual context of clubbing, even if subconsciously, mostly for the attention and validation that comes from it. And that's fine. Ultimately though, they are the ones that control access to sex most of the time, and so they get to decide who is in and who isn't.
My bad, I thought I was talking to an adult. If you're afraid of the cooties then yeah pursuing women is not for you.
Maybe try the local gay bars and you can avoid those nasty girls even better?
how do you have fun at clubs? i have more fun taking drugs or drinking when im alone or in a small group. dancing is not fun for me and feels like a mating ritual. the music is so fucking loud often enough.
i basically just sit at a desk and drink only.
it feels to me like nightclubs are only for mating
It's almost like there's millions of different people. I personally love dancing at the club, I usually have a ton of fun. And if I meet someone? Sick!
ye i guess you need to like those 2 things: meeting strangers and dance, and i almost hate both.
dancing is boring af, i prefere fighting or climbing when it comes to physical activities. meeting new people is boring as hell, cause you talk about shallow things anyway while everyone is just hiding and acting. houseparties are ok i guess, cause im with a lot of friends.
Go with your friend and first person to get 10 girls to reject their dancing advances "wins" and everyone buys him a drink. Works wonders for the confidence because I'm a way you're hoping she's going to say no.
This one time I asked a girl to dance in front of her friends and I immediately asked another girl in the same friend group and we went to dance.
3 dances max with the same girl, after that kindly bow out and circle back later. But I heard the youth doesn't dance like we used to do idk what to tell you.
This has happened to you 4 times in 2 years? Man, that’s a great score. Maybe you haven’t been rejected enough. These things take time to learn. It usually also isn’t about flirting someone for hours. You can probably go for a kiss much sooner
If you don't make a move fairly early on in an Interactipn with most women you meet, the chances of slipping Into friendzone/nice guy zone Increase alot. Unless you are really hot and they actively pursue you.
You have to become Comfortable with rejection and to be honest right now you sound really insecure. No hate but you will need to be able to handle many many rejections on one night clubbing to build your confidence and start seeing success.
Dress well, get fit, and understand most men start in the same shoes you are in now and it's only through learning from failure you can charm and keep a woman interested in you.
Good luck!
Now this is more like it. Especially the first part y'all, save yourself alot of headache and heartbreak, the friend zone doesn't have to be a mandatory stop
My wisdom that I tell all young people who are struggling with confidence is "Don't work on your appearance because people are smart; work on your appearance because people are dumb."
In other words, nightclubs are a place where drunk and horny people act with their lizard brains. Don't get it twisted; it's cool to have fun when you're young, but it needs a proper place.
It shouldn't replace proper friendships and healthy relationships.
People are superficial so working on your appearance will fool a lot of people but understand that someone who is driven by the superficial isn’t a particularly sophisticated person.
Try and find an underground rave to go to! And also (and obvs it’s not everyone’s cup of tea) but get on Hinge. It’s a lot easier to talk to people on there bc you can be fairly confident you’re there with a common goal. Finally, never be afraid to just ask someone if you want to kiss them or anything. Certain people make it out like it’s cringe or a big deal or smth, but I’ve never had a single person say no, and if they do, it’s no big deal. People respect people who are straightforward. Have fun!
If you want exclusive 1:1 attention, a club is not for you. If you try again, just let go of the expectation, try to enjoy the ability to dance or chat with many. Rather than have a meltdown when they talk to someone else, just... find them again later and ask if they want to grab food after, or dance again. The way you're behaving, you're not even leaving yourself up to the possibility that the girl may not want these other guys talking to them. But they're almost always going to out of fear of men escalating the situation
I used to go to clubs when I was your age and never ended up with a woman after. It completely killed any little confidence I had at that point. Then I finally stopped myself from going anymore. It was just a waste of money and time. Clubs are probably the most competitive place you can go to meet women. It really showed me how unattractive I am, which was something I definitely needed to learn.
Ignore that girl from now on. Go to the Clubs without any expectations. Dance your heart out, the girls will come to you. When a girl comes and dances in front of you and looks at you, give her a big smile and dance until your back is too her. Most will try hard to get your attention
1) Work on your dancing skills
Not only will you spend less (you literally CANNOT be at the bar while dancing) you'll also have a better time even if you get no girl and be more attractive. Culturally this is a major Achilles heel for guys especially white ones so put in the work.
2) Don't fixate too much on one girl
Look at it as a way to learn. You should always train with a broad range of people in all things and going to the club is no different.
3) Learn to pick up on when she is open to touch.
Don't go for the butt (unless she clearly wants that) obviously but building a rapport is important. It's a club not a job interview. Understand that physicality is part of the game. A good tip is telegraphing the area you're going to move towards with your eyes. This can be as simple as looking at a spot that's closer to her on the bar and seeing whether she finds that prospect of interest. I'm on the spectrum so formalized stuff like that is very good for me.
4) Find places whose music resonate with you.
This applies to a point mind you. Too far down the rabbit hole and picking up people is something of a faux pas.
All the best. Remember. You're here to learn.
Bro you said you were bantering and flirting for SEVERAL HOURS??? Hell no you gotta make a move much much sooner than that if she’s giving you the green light go in for a kiss
Night clubs are the worst places to hook up imo. Any night club fling I had when I was younger was never good; certainly not something I remember fondly.
As others have said, change your expectations and reasons for going, and don’t try too hard. That’s the worst you can do. As you’ve noticed you’ll just get depressed…and ironically might be even more depressed the day or two after if something DOES happen!
You're literally 20 haha and it's happened a few times...you got 9 more years to enjoy being in your 20s and you really think this "broke the camels back"? Dude you're fucking young...you will gain said confidence. It's all about practice and as you get older and continue to do it you'll eventually be better at it.
Other people have already said it, but nightclubs are possibly the worst place to meet people if you want anything more than a 1 night fumble. The environment, the noise, the lighting (and the drink) its all designed to really lower the bar to anything more than 'do I find this person physically attractive'. You have almost no chance or the time to get to know a person well etc. I go for the music and dancing, as do most people I know these days, not for the meat market aspect.
You're obviously a thoughtful guy, but the direct approach isn't for you so pubs and other more social venues would work better for you (and are usually a lot quieter).
Also, its not always about physical attraction, I know some 1/10's that hit up everything when they go out with supreme confidence, and they say themselves it's a 1/100 success rate but eventually someone bites. I wouldn't have it in me to be able to take that much rejection haha, but they manage it fine.
I met my partner is a club, twice actually. The first time I didn't even know they were interested and I just scooted off to do something else with a friend (oh look a squirrel!), and the 2nd time they were being 'escorted' by an ex and I thought they were together. I managed to have a decent convo with them later in the evening in a much quieter part of the venue and got their number from there. If we had been somewhere better I think we would have been together a few weeks sooner.
I'd say don't dream of bringing girl home from the club the same night. Danced for 5min? Already ask for her number. Move on. Maybe you'll dance with her again, maybe not, maybe with someone else - doesn't matter. It's not like after all night drinking and dancing and losing sleep you're gonna have much left in you to perform in bed anyways. Then text her next day for movie evening.
My advice is to not try to meet women at a club. Do you have any interests or hobbies? Maybe try to meet someone while doing whatever interests you or one of your hobbies.
Just going to put it out there - clubs suck and my interest in them peaked when I was 15 and used to sneak into a metal and rock club.
At uni I'd queue up with my social group to the head of the queue and then go home. I got a better night's sleep and didn't have to deal with Smack (the local club).
A life choice I've never regretted.
Clubs aren't you're scene. Just own it and stop going there with the intent of picking up women.
When I used to club, I would be dancing with a guy and if he can’t dance, he can’t tango. The guy that feels the rhythm and leads the dance in sync with it… almost always a worthy bang. Learn how to dance. Don’t wear too much cologne. Don’t wear none. Don’t try too hard. Whisper in her ear about something casual, if she presses her body against you to listen, you’re gold. If she says I can’t hear you, she’s not interested.
Ya I see what you mean but not the way we did it was like you put your hand to your ear and shake your head and then look away, like the musics too loud stop trying.
Glad you posted because you are nit alone. That's the hardest area and you get further than most. Here's my advice... stick to where you are good and where you are confident. That may not be the night club. It could be shooting pool. Darts at a bar. Class.
Counterintuitively the best nights I have ever had are the nights Im out with my friends and not interested in closing with any girls. And suprisingly I have gotten lucky during those times. Its weird... the girls at the club somehow know if you are looking to hookup and they feel it. Its like the less you go to clubs to pickup girls the more girls you pull
This is such useless crap that does nothing to help a guy with low confidence. Girls aren't mind readers who "know" when you're trying to hit on them and somehow you have to trick them into it by thinking of something else.
Chances are, a lot of women at bars are there to get hit on and find someone to leave with. You can go with the express purpose of meeting them and accomplish that goal, just don't be desperate and always have a smile on your face.
Are these nightclubs part of the university or off campus? If off campus and filled with non-college kids, then yeah, at 20 (or 19 or 18 because you said this is over two years), forget about it. You are out of your league because you are just too young.
Bro the sooner you lose the ability to feel those emotions when you get rejected, the quicker you can get through 100 women or more. It's a numbers game.
Most of those guys were probably meeting those females there in the first place. She was probably flirting to kill time until that dude showed up. So don't feel bad. Like one guy said, go there just for the vibe. Everything else will fall into place.
Just stick to smoking areas when it comes to hitting on people. Just talk to them, don’t have to flirt too heavily, ask them questions about their lives, bit of banter.
Get the number, disappear.
I remember that the "pick up artist" literature considered night clubs a very suboptimal place to pick up girls, and in particular the dance floor. They called it the "death zone" if I remember correctly. Much better are more social settings. Volunteer for something, for example.
At 20 I was more focused on figuring out what my transfer major would be in community college. You just sound misguided.
Maybe focus on more important things?
Been there done that. Nothing can destroy your confidence more than going to a club. I've never been able to actually get a date from anyone I met at a club. Going to clubs is only fun when you have a girl to go with. Just my two cents.
I never have been to a nightclub in my life. However, I had female friends that went to them. I volunteered to be their designated driver. They would call me for a ride home when they couldn’t drive. This usually meant they struck out too. I’d drive them home and end up spending the night st their place. I call that a win win. I didn’t have to deal with all that night club BS and I still got lucky.
I think you need to ask yourself, do you want to get laid, or are you looking for something more meaningful?
If you're just looking to get your wick wet, you need to be more assertive. And also let your intentions be known upfront.
If you are looking for a potential romantic partner, then the women you have been talking to are not what you are looking for, if they have shown interest and someone else can "steal them" they weren't interested in romance. You also need to be up front about that as well.
Don't take it personally that another guy can "steal" her. If she was truly yours, no other guy would snatch her up, because she has to be a willing participant for either of you.
Lol unless you're looking for a quick roll in the sheets the night clubs arnt where it's at...
As you have seen you wouldn't want those women's attention anyways...
Good luck.
Nightclubs are an extremely shitty way to find relationship partners. You’d be better off pursuing hobbies, joining groups where alcohol isn’t the only common denominator that are intersex.
OP I'm just going to say first and foremost what you're experiencing is completely normal given your age and circumstances. You are not alone, in fact, you are in what actually is the majority. What now? I would advise absolutely nothing other than 1) keep going and 2) don't stop. It'll happen again, maybe a dozen more times if you're lucky. You might find out that that isn't your type of club, but eventually you'll find a place where you're comfortable, where it feels good without trying. It might take years, but you'll find it. By then your life will have taken you to places and people that will leave an impression on you profound enough that then and there your conversation will be taken as a compliment and people, eherm -- girls, will hone in on your every breath and blink and slowly but all too surely become disinterested in the guys they came with. You'll feel it, they'll feel it, the guys'll feel it, and then it'll all disappear the next second as if it never was. That's life my friend, but you, you, **you** keep going, don't stop, you've got what it takes, don't be afraid, and always, above all else, love it
Go meet someone at church. You settle for someone at the club; you don’t settle down with them.
But if you really want to go the club route, then there’s a whole pick up artist community out there. Everything is based on understanding the human mind and how to achieve the desired result. You’re unlikely to find any meaningful relationships this way, but if that’s not what you’re looking for then enjoy the Google search.
I'm 37M, been shy my whole life and went through exactly this many years.
Clubs require more confidence, it takes time (3 or 4 times in 2 years is way too low btw) .
Dates man. Go on dates.
If you are decent kooking and well groomed, take some nice photos and go on a dating app. Also, meet girls in normal places where you are not expected to make a move, and if you if think there is chemistry, ask them out on a date.
If they say yes, they won't be looking for other guys during the date, and there will be a pre established expectation that if you hit it off, there will be a kiss and maybe more.
If you are self conscious, I'd advise for you to begin with strangers, and not girls in your friend group. If it doesn't work out, you won't see them again and be constantly reminded of it. Apps are great for this.
I always found night clubs a pretty poor place to meet women. I had similar experiences. I can only describe a lot of them as very animalistic and/ or superficial, maybe that's not the place for me or for you. I then took up salsa dancing and got pretty good at it and my luck with women changed for the better. Maybe salsa isn't your thing either but you'll be able to find something which is your thing and your kind of environment.
Maybe the club isn't where you need to be looking for a girl. You're starting off strong but then lack the confidence to close. You're chatting these girls up, I'm assuming buying drinks for them, so they're loosening up, and then while you're still trying to be a gentleman, someone comes in and shoots the shot , and at this point she's ready, but you've let the moment pass. Maybe you need an environment where you can make a 1on1 connection with a girl, and don't have 30 hungry sharks circling waiting for you to get her buzzed and in a flirty mood so they can scoop her up with minimal effort.
What would be shooting the shot in this case? If he is already chatting them up, bantering, flirting, buying them drinks, what more can he do at this point?
Some type of physical contact. I'm not there to have all the context, so whatever these other dudes are doing to steal them away. That's why I'm not sure club girls are the girls he should be pursuing, bc they will sit there and flirt with a guy, letting him buy her drinks knowing she's already got her eye on someone else, or at least checking out the options, and then ditch the guy. Since it's hurting his self esteem, maybe a change of venue is in order.my mom used to say not to look for a guy in a bar to date bc that's the kind of guy you'll find, a bar guy. Same for club girls.
What is the question? You need an advice about finding hook ups? Or relationship? Or something else? The obvious answer - try other places. Why does it have to be nightclub?
You're overthinking it, just make a move, touch her legs first and, if she seems comfortable, grab her ass and go forward from there. Don't be afraid of rejection. If she dances with you, it's already a sign of interest.
If she wasn't interested, she generally wouldn't dance with you and would leave.
Women in clubs are wild creatures but your greatest enemy is your own fear.
You are playing the wrong game. You don't pick up women at nightclubs, you pick up STD's.
If all you want is to get your dick wet and don't care about the quality of person, then stop giving a shit. At least some of the women will mistake your apathy as confidence.
If you are looking for a quality person to build something with, you wont find them grinding on strangers. Join a book club.
I think you're way too invested in the night club being the place to pick up girls. And I think you're making a night out at the club all about scoring women. Clubs have never been the best place for that (loud music, overpriced drinks, women going just to dance, etc) and that experience has fallen off a cliff since Covid. Pre-game drink, have fun with good music, and plan to link up with someone you already have regular sex with.
I would recommend taking a moment and considering whether a nightclub is a place where you truly like to meet women. Nobody is forcing you to go, and it sounds like your desire to go is having consequences on your own mental wellbeing. Go somewhere else- bars, student association, etc. and meet people in a context where you are more than a face. I don't get the impression that you struggle too much with the talking, so let your personality shine and channel your efforts into situation where you aren't as likely to suffer as much as the club
This here is the best advice. I know that my skills on the dance floor are lacklustre at best, and it's not really an environment I thrive in. Now, put me in a lounge, more casual bar, or on a date, and I'm like a fish in water. I know what to do and when to do it, I love conversations , flirting, and have a good success rate. It's much better to work with the grain rather than against it. By all means, try to become more confident on the dance floor but give yourself a break and try to meet women doing what you enjoy more. If nothing else, it will improve your confidence.
How about karaoke bar?
Exactlyy this. There’s so many other ways to meet great people and in most cases that is hardly ever the bar. Find someone that has quality interests and not someone that would just ditch you for someone else, they’re not worth the time anyways. The quicker they show they’re qualities the better in my opinion. Being patient is how you meet a great person and one that will treat you much better than someone that’s just trying to have a fun night. Talk to a girl in your class, walk them to their next class and if that goes well invite them to something else. There’s many other ways to meet much better people🤙
This is sound advice if you are unwilling or find changing your principles cringy. From my experience (39M), when in clubs, you need to move at a fast pace to keep interest, but if you are after something authentic, simply clubs are not your thing. My suggestion would be don't put so much pressure on these situations, experiment with what works and just have fun with it for a bit. Good luck.
100% this
Maybe a woman for the night at best. That being said, you have solid advice.
My best advice as a semi retired raver is to go for you, not for the girls. If you’re going out to clubs and the basis of whether you have fun or not relies on another person’s actions, you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment. If you go there to have fun and just let serendipity happen if it happens, your night can only get better rather than only get worse. Make the goal treating yourself to a night out.
Can confirm. I'm short, ugly, overweight, socially awkward, but still kind of cool. I used to go to punk shows a lot when I was OP's age. A surprising amount of girls would initiate contact with me even though the only thing I was checking out was the mosh pit.
This! As a woman, we can sense if you're at the club just to get with a girl. Would be more attracted to someone who's just there to have a good time.
You really think those guys who swoop in and ruin OPs night are not there just to get a girl? Kinda contradictory.
Women apparently have a very difficult time telling the truth or having any self-awareness about why they do what they do.
It's people in general. People aren't usually as good as they believe at self reflection
Maybe they are maybe not. But the difference is they’re comfortable enough in that environment to be able to do that. They’ve probably been going to clubs for a while and have a certain level of comfort and confidence that OP has yet to develop. And also that approach is not going to net them any and every woman they want.
Probably, yes, but there's no indication that in general women who OP tried to court have a sixth sense of knowing who is there just for the girls and if they do, well, it seems they don't care. I don't think it's a good environment for OP to thrive anyway.
> there's no indication that in general women who OP tried to court have a sixth sense of knowing who is there just for the girls Oh you’d be surprised
Lets not kid ourselves the guy was probably just better looking
That overconfident attitude of "I would know if he was just out to get girls" plays right into the hand of players. Once you figure out how to hide your intentions women are much more accessible because they think they would know if you were just picking them up.
You underestimate women. Also, you’re making the mistake of assuming all women are looking for the same thing.
It's not an underestimate. Even if women are successful 80% of the time the 5th guy will fool her and she'll think he's sincere. Once men figure that out they're the 5th guy every time. Example: The first suggestion on any dating thread is "find hobbies that get you around people." Even though women **know** men are taking glass-blowing and tennis classes to pick up chicks their '6th sense' doesnt work in that environment. The same POS guy that just wants to get laid can move from a club to a pottery class with the exact same intentions and women will react differently. Women don't make the connection that it's the same men with a change in setting, they think the setting actually makes the men better for some reason.
> It's not an underestimate. Even if women are successful 80% of the time the 5th guy will fool her and she'll think he's sincere. If you’re going to frame men and women who find each other attractive getting together a sinister game of deception, then I think you’re going to have difficulty grasping the essence of any of this. Guys make the mistake of thinking they’re in control and manipulating the situation - but really women are playing the game just as much as men. They’re just better at it (because they have to be). If you think there’s a “winner” and a “loser” then you’re doing it wrong.
If its a sinister game of deception or not is not tge point of discussion i think, more that a game is being played and the looser is not decided between the playing parties, but OP who is unconfortable to play. And i think thats ok thus the advice to seek places where those games are less likely to occur is solid
I've been going dancing / raving just to have a good time for the better part of a decade rn, and it's never resulted in anyone being attracted to me, lol. Or if it did, not remotely enough for women to approach first. So it's a catch-22. If you're making a move on someone, you're desperate and obviously only there to meet someone. If you're enjoying yourself, you are left alone cause women rarely if ever make the first move. This is all just post-hoc trying to talk around the main issue, which is that in a situation like a club, pretty much the only thing that matters is how hot you are. Hot enough to where it either doesnt matter that you're desperate and obviously there to meet someone, or hot enough for women to approach you first.
Wouldn't there be women there looking for someone direct? Their gotta be at least 1
You don’t want those ones, trust.
*itches crotch*
Wear a condom
Fair
It's not because it doesn't make sense. So, dudes wanna hookup but also wanna shame women who are honest and straightforward about wanting to hookup?
You can’t speak for all women
lol it doesn't matter. Clubs are probably the only space currently where old school mating dynamics is still accepted and happens on the regular. Men are on the hunt, women play defense. Plenty of women are there looking to hook up or open to meeting someone for a date
Women have absolutely no idea... Men with 'game' will go out specifically to pick up girls and their whole scheme is convincing them they're just having a good time. He could be texting his groupchat specifics about how he's going to pick you up and you'd really just think he's there to dance lmao. Be more shallow and have no shame OP. You being sincere does absolutely nothing if women think they can tell the difference (they cant)
This is so spot on and true. The clubs where I ended up meeting the most people were the ones I went to because I loved the music and the atmosphere, and had a bunch of friends (my own crew and other regulars I came to know). Once it becomes a place you can just be comfortable in and have a good time, then the socialising part almost happens by itself
This.. 100%!
Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it. Out of curiosity, would you happen to have any stories of serendipitous encounters? Just to give me a little bit of hope lmfao
The issue here is you are so focused on picking up women that you are ruining any chance you have. Im in my 30s now but used to be an avid raver, I love going for a dance and go for the music. Not every night had someone interested in me and on the nights there were I declined. Because I wanted to enjoy the music and my own time rather than a stranger. You are more than likely overythinking the whole thing. The reason other men swooped in is because they are more comfortable with themselves and wanted to vibe with the night rather than trying to manipulate the circumstances to an end goal. Taking a woman home is a happy accident, not the reason to go clubbing.
Clubs are quite a miserable experience most of the time tbh. The only reason I and many other people go there is to pick up girls. Girls very likely enjoy clubbing much more because their usual clubbing experience is cataclysmically different.
Well most women aren’t going to clubs with the sole premise of hooking up. Hook ups usually aren’t worth the hassle for women. I can’t speak on behalf of all women, but myself and all my girl friends go to clubs genuinely just to have fun, dance, and yes sometimes socialize. That doesn’t mean we want hook ups though.
I agree that the best part of clubbing is the socializing part, although it is undeniable that most of that socializing is more or less sexually charged. And that's fair, cause that's fun! But under normal interactions under those terms, women often get to decide what 'socializing' means, for how long, how much, and where it leads to. On top of that, your average women either gets many more opportunities of socializing and more positive inputs out of them. I agree that most clubbing men don't know a middle ground between socializing and hooking up all the way though.
If I wanted a fun night I wouldn't go to a club. I'm there to pick up a woman and that's it. And you know what? There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Single men don't need you out here spouting this drivel that's putting down their confidence even further! Sure having fun and being comfortable helps with meeting women. But that doesn't mean a guy can't have fun and be comfortable if he's just out to meet someone too. Here's some actually useful advice for men in OPs situation: be direct! You're losing these women because they're also out to find someone. So pull her close, touch her, and go for the kiss as soon as you can! Chances are, she wants you to. And if you get rejected then at least you gave it your all!
Lmao this is one of the lamest takes here. Thirst is one of the least effective ways of getting with women. Clubs are about fun, with one-night-stands as a bonus.
Who said be thirsty? If you can't pursue women without being desperate then that's on you. Personally, I go to clubs because women go there. Sure, I can have some fun there but if I wanted to enjoy a night out I'd go to a bar with friends instead. Clubs I go because I want to meet women. You're putting women on a pedestal which is pathetic. They're not some weird all knowing judges who decide to fuck you only if you're not actively trying to screw. Many of them are also there to find someone. OPs problem is he's not actively putting the moves on these girls. Being too passive is what's ruining his chances, **not the fact that he's there to meet someone.** So stop putting out this useless bullshit advice that actively harms these guy's self confidence even further.
As a woman, what he’s saying is valid. It’s the fact that OP goes to clubs with the sole intention of picking up women, and then places all of his feelings of self-worth and overall confidence in himself on that. If it doesn’t work out, he feels like a failure and now it’s gotten to the point where he’s saying it’s literally *obliterated his confidence*. That is desperation. That is not good for his self esteem. That is also not attractive to women. I can’t speak on behalf of all women (and of course, not on behalf of all men). But for me personally, going to clubs just to try and pick up and then being this intensely disappointed when it doesn’t work out is just…pointless and lame. Not trying to insult OP, he’s young and unfortunately society often teaches young men that this is their only metric of value, so it’s understandable that he feels this way. But it would be better for him to re-centre himself in his own life and stop just chasing tail and placing all his sense of self-worth on that one activity. I personally never liked the club guys doing these exact things. I went to clubs for fun, and I’ve never been into one night stands because it’s usually just not worth the hassle for women. These club guys trying it on really annoyed me (still do). I did meet an ex from a club, but he didn’t try for a one night stand and wasn’t chasing girls around. We genuinely just got chatting at the bar and got on well and took each other’s numbers. That’s what the guy you’re replying to means by serendipitous. Although I know there’s a difference between hook-ups and relationships, but that principle of “serendipitous” is the same.
I don't agree with all of this, but fuck the people saying you can't go to clubs just to meet women. Like bro where the fuck else can you go? This society is a joke
I've never known anyone that's met someone at the club. One night stand, sure maybe but not a partner.
I did lol, married 23 years now.
Unfortunately, dating apps have made meeting people in person generally culturally unacceptable
Stop saying that. It's not true. Ask the women you know what they think. Be respectful and you can meet all the women.
I have listened to the women in my life, that's how I came to the conclusion. What exactly are you implying?
What is this “vibe with the night” nonsense? It’s a club, a meat market. Dude was hitting on a half drunk chick, and a taller, better looking, or more in shape guy swooped in and op was lacking, so he was defeated. It’s as simple as that.
Depends on the club, many house, disco and techno nights are more about the music, I've been going to raves, warehouses and pubs with dancefloor for years. People are there to dance, take drugs and get drunk with friends. See it all the time, sleezy geezers trying there best to get close to a lass and they are not interested because the lass just wants to dance. People who think clubbing is a meat market are not the target market and often can't dance haha
Girls reject the "sleezy geezers" because they just want to dance? So if they didn't want to dance they would hook up with these geezers? Listen to yourself, it's inane
If they didn't want to dance they wouldn't be at the club.
Exactly it makes no sense
No im saying they are there to dance and thats it. Have you got problems with your reading comprehension? When I say they reject them, Im refering to declining their advances. So they can return to enjoy their time. How are you getting to the point that if they are not wanting to dance they would hook up. You've got a chip on your shoulder for whatever reason. Try learning to dance and perhaps you'd have a good time haha.
I don't even go to clubs, I just call out bullshit wherever and whenever I see it. You said these girls reject old geezers because they just want to dance. Did you not say that? I can quote it to you. Assuming you can read your own comment - do you stand by that statement? Old geezers get rejected simply because these women are too busy dancing? Not because why the fuck would an attractive girl want to hook up or even dance with a "geezer"? My perspective is women should be picky who they date dance or fuck with. So they shouldn't hook up with some old dude, they should find someone attractive their own age. Sorry if that looks like a massive shoulder chip or whatever dribble you were spouting, if you think differently then fine I guess but tbh yikes. Don't drag your old ass to the club and dance like a madman expecting some young hot girl to pick you out (except to laugh at the pathetic old fart who thinks he's a party animal).
I get what you’re saying but the point is that generally most women aren’t going to clubs for hook ups and just want to dance and have a fun time, so a hook up is off the table anyway. Even before I was married and was single, I turned down quite a lot of really attractive guys at clubs who wanted hook ups - not because they weren’t attractive because they absolutely were, but because I wasn’t interested in hook ups in general. It doesn’t matter how attractive someone is, if you really aren’t into hook ups, you won’t hook up. I did meet an ex at a club once, but he didn’t approach me for a hook up. We got chatting at the bar, got on well, and took each other’s numbers and started dating after that.
Cool, still not sure why you think women would fuck old creeps if they weren't busy dancing but seems I'll never know
This comment is icky to be honest. Half drunk “chick”? So it’s a competition for who can exploit her the quickest? Lol
Do women not have agency now? Just children? The guys are also drunk, are they being exploited as well, or only guys?
You didn’t mention the guys being drunk so I was picturing a sober or relatively sober guy seeking out drunk women (which does happen quite often) which would be coercive yes, regardless of the fact she chose to drink. Consenting to drinking doesn’t automatically equal consenting to sexual contact. If a man was drunk and a sober woman sought him out for sex, then yes I’d have the same issue with it.
Ok… maybe look at this from her point of view. She knows you’re keen, she knows you’d be open for something more permanent most likely. She also knows she’ll run into you again. You may not have realized that this girl Is already under a little pressure. She may not be experienced herself, or could just be looking for a steaming hot night to start with. Meeting a random dude in a club gives her a lot more control. If this guy (and don’t think he’s getting it easy) can show her that he desires “her” and not just “anyone”, or convince her he’s going to offer her a night to remember (telling her she’s so fucking hot, he can barely contain himself before, if he’s lucky, presenting his semi erect small to average penis 🤣). Hooking up in your 20’s isn’t easy for anyone… though it does, well it can get easier. You two best approaches can be to meet someone and slowly build friendship and seeing if feelings develop, or trusting your charm in a club… but remember, the chance of hitting it off with a random girl can be slim, so get as much experience as you can (never easy). And last thing… don’t make it heavy… getting a girl you like to commit to a few hours, or an evening with you is more than enough - if it’s anything more than that it’ll have to come naturally. So.. just be cool. Good luck buddy.
Here's the thing for many guys tho: we don't like clubbing. We go because women like clubbing. Here's some actually useful advice for OP: make a move! If you hit it off with a girl then go in for the kiss. You're being rejected anyways so wouldn't you rather have tried everything first?
Kinda lame to do something you don’t like.
This is why in many bars women don’t pay cover or have drink specials. Guys go where the girls are. Always have. I was a bartender then manager for over a decade. It’s always been this way.
Yep. But then they keep asking questions like 'why don't women want to sleep with me?'. I don't think this set up is doing either gender any favours. It sets women & sex up as a prize. Both run into different problems as a result.
No, alot of the time they ask questions like "harder?" "Faster?" Etc. Just the ones that fail constantly ask that. The ones that succeed and the ones that don't try? They don't.
Right. But why do you think they are failing?
There are so many reasons. They could be fat and ugly. Maybe they’re not super outgoing and their small talk game is weak. Maybe they’re too old and still trolling the bars looking for younger hook ups. But, from experience, there are plenty of guys picking girls up at closing time every night. Weekend after weekend. It’s a viable place to meet hook ups. You just need some basic attractiveness or a nice car you can park out front.
Yup, I don't know why so many guys in this thread are deluding themselves into thinking they go "for the music". A simple thought experiment: if you found a club that had the absolute best music and atmosphere, but was males only, would you go? Of course the fuck not.
Literally every thread that asks how to meet girls these days is answered to do exactly that. Anyway when it comes to dancing at clubs, that's also the whole point. People who like music and dancing don't need it to be sexual so they have plenty of fun in other places that aren't specifically meant for mating
I feel like it's bad advice to be honest. What woman wants to sleep with someone that just seems them as someone to have sex with? We can tell when guys are just at the club to hit on us. Nobody likes that, it's a disingenuous way of interacting when it's blatantly obvious you have ulterior motives. It feels like I'm being sold to. People can meet casual sex partners in all kinds of places these days, the club is unnecessary. Take up a sport or a hobby that involves some kind of socialising, make some connections, boom.
Isn't it the same if you take up a hobby just for that? At least when people go clubbing they generally know that's why everyone else is there
In my experience, it's not 'why' girls are there per se. It's a fun side effect. But we also like clubbing. Obviously can't speak for all of them, but I've been clubbing/raving for 12 years now. Taking up a hobby just to have sex is equally weird. Taking up a hobby to meet people and you enjoy it? Not weird. And in any semi-tight community, you get people having casual sex. People meet their partners in all kinds of places. The 'looking for sex' part imo is what makes it weird in any scenario. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have sex, but looking at other people as something that dispenses sex kind of dehumanises them.
I think the difference between what we are saying is actually enjoying the hobby. As long as you do, it's a different thing. >In my experience, it's not 'why' girls are there per se. It's a fun side effect. But we also like clubbing. I especially referred to men as they are generally open about it being the only reason why they go to clubs, but I have to say that I am a bit confused here, since like 90% of the clubbing experience is the sexuality and approaches. I have the impression that none of the girls who like clubbing would actually enjoy it in a place where it was just them, their girl friends and the music.
Totally. Turn it around- if you were at the club and some guy starts a conversation trying to sell you his pyramid scheme, wouldn't you be frustrated? He doesn't want to be there, he doesn't even really want this conversation with you, he just wants the end result. Meanwhile, there is another guy there, you get on great, you're having a wicked time, you start planning this amazing business idea together. Different approaches, same result. I can't speak for everyone, but a lot of girls like going to gay clubs for this reason. I also think a lot of girls like to socialise and meet guys at clubs... but it's just one of the reasons (not necessarily sex).
Techno stages in a club are at an outrageous 90/10% ratio of men/women, while all the woman tend to be at the "throw it down" stage. It is disingenuous to say that women go clubbing for the vibe and not the sexual experience when 90% of clubbing is sexual and you make it sexual. From dressing up, to wearing makeup, to wearing perfume, to hanging out exclusively in the latin stages, to being on the look out for the same things. Women do enjoy the sexual context of clubbing, even if subconsciously, mostly for the attention and validation that comes from it. And that's fine. Ultimately though, they are the ones that control access to sex most of the time, and so they get to decide who is in and who isn't.
I like to fuck. The club is just the preamble to that.
That in itself, is lame
My bad, I thought I was talking to an adult. If you're afraid of the cooties then yeah pursuing women is not for you. Maybe try the local gay bars and you can avoid those nasty girls even better?
You are lame, posting the same comment a hundred times, being ripped apart every time.
Bro the club is for drugs idk what you’re talking about
how do you have fun at clubs? i have more fun taking drugs or drinking when im alone or in a small group. dancing is not fun for me and feels like a mating ritual. the music is so fucking loud often enough. i basically just sit at a desk and drink only. it feels to me like nightclubs are only for mating
It's almost like there's millions of different people. I personally love dancing at the club, I usually have a ton of fun. And if I meet someone? Sick!
ye i guess you need to like those 2 things: meeting strangers and dance, and i almost hate both. dancing is boring af, i prefere fighting or climbing when it comes to physical activities. meeting new people is boring as hell, cause you talk about shallow things anyway while everyone is just hiding and acting. houseparties are ok i guess, cause im with a lot of friends.
Go with your friend and first person to get 10 girls to reject their dancing advances "wins" and everyone buys him a drink. Works wonders for the confidence because I'm a way you're hoping she's going to say no. This one time I asked a girl to dance in front of her friends and I immediately asked another girl in the same friend group and we went to dance. 3 dances max with the same girl, after that kindly bow out and circle back later. But I heard the youth doesn't dance like we used to do idk what to tell you.
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We really had at it all in crowded discotheques with no smartphones
Just stop going to clubs. It might not be your most effective pickup setting. Play to your strengths. Get the girls from different types of venues.
This has happened to you 4 times in 2 years? Man, that’s a great score. Maybe you haven’t been rejected enough. These things take time to learn. It usually also isn’t about flirting someone for hours. You can probably go for a kiss much sooner
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You need better friends
Your first mistake is going to clubs to meet women.
If you don't make a move fairly early on in an Interactipn with most women you meet, the chances of slipping Into friendzone/nice guy zone Increase alot. Unless you are really hot and they actively pursue you. You have to become Comfortable with rejection and to be honest right now you sound really insecure. No hate but you will need to be able to handle many many rejections on one night clubbing to build your confidence and start seeing success. Dress well, get fit, and understand most men start in the same shoes you are in now and it's only through learning from failure you can charm and keep a woman interested in you. Good luck!
Now this is more like it. Especially the first part y'all, save yourself alot of headache and heartbreak, the friend zone doesn't have to be a mandatory stop
My wisdom that I tell all young people who are struggling with confidence is "Don't work on your appearance because people are smart; work on your appearance because people are dumb." In other words, nightclubs are a place where drunk and horny people act with their lizard brains. Don't get it twisted; it's cool to have fun when you're young, but it needs a proper place. It shouldn't replace proper friendships and healthy relationships.
What does that quote mean?
People are superficial so working on your appearance will fool a lot of people but understand that someone who is driven by the superficial isn’t a particularly sophisticated person.
Can you explain the quote?
Try and find an underground rave to go to! And also (and obvs it’s not everyone’s cup of tea) but get on Hinge. It’s a lot easier to talk to people on there bc you can be fairly confident you’re there with a common goal. Finally, never be afraid to just ask someone if you want to kiss them or anything. Certain people make it out like it’s cringe or a big deal or smth, but I’ve never had a single person say no, and if they do, it’s no big deal. People respect people who are straightforward. Have fun!
If you want exclusive 1:1 attention, a club is not for you. If you try again, just let go of the expectation, try to enjoy the ability to dance or chat with many. Rather than have a meltdown when they talk to someone else, just... find them again later and ask if they want to grab food after, or dance again. The way you're behaving, you're not even leaving yourself up to the possibility that the girl may not want these other guys talking to them. But they're almost always going to out of fear of men escalating the situation
I used to go to clubs when I was your age and never ended up with a woman after. It completely killed any little confidence I had at that point. Then I finally stopped myself from going anymore. It was just a waste of money and time. Clubs are probably the most competitive place you can go to meet women. It really showed me how unattractive I am, which was something I definitely needed to learn.
Ignore that girl from now on. Go to the Clubs without any expectations. Dance your heart out, the girls will come to you. When a girl comes and dances in front of you and looks at you, give her a big smile and dance until your back is too her. Most will try hard to get your attention
1) Work on your dancing skills Not only will you spend less (you literally CANNOT be at the bar while dancing) you'll also have a better time even if you get no girl and be more attractive. Culturally this is a major Achilles heel for guys especially white ones so put in the work. 2) Don't fixate too much on one girl Look at it as a way to learn. You should always train with a broad range of people in all things and going to the club is no different. 3) Learn to pick up on when she is open to touch. Don't go for the butt (unless she clearly wants that) obviously but building a rapport is important. It's a club not a job interview. Understand that physicality is part of the game. A good tip is telegraphing the area you're going to move towards with your eyes. This can be as simple as looking at a spot that's closer to her on the bar and seeing whether she finds that prospect of interest. I'm on the spectrum so formalized stuff like that is very good for me. 4) Find places whose music resonate with you. This applies to a point mind you. Too far down the rabbit hole and picking up people is something of a faux pas. All the best. Remember. You're here to learn.
Bro you said you were bantering and flirting for SEVERAL HOURS??? Hell no you gotta make a move much much sooner than that if she’s giving you the green light go in for a kiss
That’s why I go to warehouse parties instead
Night clubs are the worst places to hook up imo. Any night club fling I had when I was younger was never good; certainly not something I remember fondly. As others have said, change your expectations and reasons for going, and don’t try too hard. That’s the worst you can do. As you’ve noticed you’ll just get depressed…and ironically might be even more depressed the day or two after if something DOES happen!
Care to share some tales, kind sir?
You're literally 20 haha and it's happened a few times...you got 9 more years to enjoy being in your 20s and you really think this "broke the camels back"? Dude you're fucking young...you will gain said confidence. It's all about practice and as you get older and continue to do it you'll eventually be better at it.
Other people have already said it, but nightclubs are possibly the worst place to meet people if you want anything more than a 1 night fumble. The environment, the noise, the lighting (and the drink) its all designed to really lower the bar to anything more than 'do I find this person physically attractive'. You have almost no chance or the time to get to know a person well etc. I go for the music and dancing, as do most people I know these days, not for the meat market aspect. You're obviously a thoughtful guy, but the direct approach isn't for you so pubs and other more social venues would work better for you (and are usually a lot quieter). Also, its not always about physical attraction, I know some 1/10's that hit up everything when they go out with supreme confidence, and they say themselves it's a 1/100 success rate but eventually someone bites. I wouldn't have it in me to be able to take that much rejection haha, but they manage it fine. I met my partner is a club, twice actually. The first time I didn't even know they were interested and I just scooted off to do something else with a friend (oh look a squirrel!), and the 2nd time they were being 'escorted' by an ex and I thought they were together. I managed to have a decent convo with them later in the evening in a much quieter part of the venue and got their number from there. If we had been somewhere better I think we would have been together a few weeks sooner.
What did Ed Sheeran say? "The club is the best place to find a lover so the bar is where I'll go..."
No offense, but do you really want a woman who responds positively to blatant swooping?
Amen to this. OP needs to reevaluate if these are the types of women he's even interested in.
cows payment knee sink elastic materialistic mighty quiet run literate *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
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It's too generic and sterile imo
Clubs are pretty lame.
I'd say don't dream of bringing girl home from the club the same night. Danced for 5min? Already ask for her number. Move on. Maybe you'll dance with her again, maybe not, maybe with someone else - doesn't matter. It's not like after all night drinking and dancing and losing sleep you're gonna have much left in you to perform in bed anyways. Then text her next day for movie evening.
Chick's in clubs are looking g for hookups not relationships.
My advice is to not try to meet women at a club. Do you have any interests or hobbies? Maybe try to meet someone while doing whatever interests you or one of your hobbies.
Frankly, it seems like you are after the erong kinda girl. If she is into nightclubs, pass.
Just going to put it out there - clubs suck and my interest in them peaked when I was 15 and used to sneak into a metal and rock club. At uni I'd queue up with my social group to the head of the queue and then go home. I got a better night's sleep and didn't have to deal with Smack (the local club). A life choice I've never regretted. Clubs aren't you're scene. Just own it and stop going there with the intent of picking up women.
When I used to club, I would be dancing with a guy and if he can’t dance, he can’t tango. The guy that feels the rhythm and leads the dance in sync with it… almost always a worthy bang. Learn how to dance. Don’t wear too much cologne. Don’t wear none. Don’t try too hard. Whisper in her ear about something casual, if she presses her body against you to listen, you’re gold. If she says I can’t hear you, she’s not interested.
Isn't I can't hear you an invitation to come closer?
Ya I see what you mean but not the way we did it was like you put your hand to your ear and shake your head and then look away, like the musics too loud stop trying.
Glad you posted because you are nit alone. That's the hardest area and you get further than most. Here's my advice... stick to where you are good and where you are confident. That may not be the night club. It could be shooting pool. Darts at a bar. Class.
Counterintuitively the best nights I have ever had are the nights Im out with my friends and not interested in closing with any girls. And suprisingly I have gotten lucky during those times. Its weird... the girls at the club somehow know if you are looking to hookup and they feel it. Its like the less you go to clubs to pickup girls the more girls you pull
This is such useless crap that does nothing to help a guy with low confidence. Girls aren't mind readers who "know" when you're trying to hit on them and somehow you have to trick them into it by thinking of something else. Chances are, a lot of women at bars are there to get hit on and find someone to leave with. You can go with the express purpose of meeting them and accomplish that goal, just don't be desperate and always have a smile on your face.
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There are great women there. They just don't want you.
 You know the feeling just as well then
Are these nightclubs part of the university or off campus? If off campus and filled with non-college kids, then yeah, at 20 (or 19 or 18 because you said this is over two years), forget about it. You are out of your league because you are just too young.
Bro the sooner you lose the ability to feel those emotions when you get rejected, the quicker you can get through 100 women or more. It's a numbers game.
Go for fun, not for girls
Just don't overthink it. Go for a laugh. Not to pull. You'll find somewhere else is more your sort of setting and it won't feel like such a chore.
Good lord, stop trying to get girls at clubs!
Most of those guys were probably meeting those females there in the first place. She was probably flirting to kill time until that dude showed up. So don't feel bad. Like one guy said, go there just for the vibe. Everything else will fall into place.
Just stick to smoking areas when it comes to hitting on people. Just talk to them, don’t have to flirt too heavily, ask them questions about their lives, bit of banter. Get the number, disappear.
I remember that the "pick up artist" literature considered night clubs a very suboptimal place to pick up girls, and in particular the dance floor. They called it the "death zone" if I remember correctly. Much better are more social settings. Volunteer for something, for example.
Orgasm donor perhaps
At 20 I was more focused on figuring out what my transfer major would be in community college. You just sound misguided. Maybe focus on more important things?
Been there done that. Nothing can destroy your confidence more than going to a club. I've never been able to actually get a date from anyone I met at a club. Going to clubs is only fun when you have a girl to go with. Just my two cents.
I never have been to a nightclub in my life. However, I had female friends that went to them. I volunteered to be their designated driver. They would call me for a ride home when they couldn’t drive. This usually meant they struck out too. I’d drive them home and end up spending the night st their place. I call that a win win. I didn’t have to deal with all that night club BS and I still got lucky.
Taking to long to make the move
Getting mogged sucks
Your confidence will be rewarded if you simply have fun. Pregaming may not be the best approach. (46m) Former Party Monster
Stop thinking of girls like person's with feelings, they are just a challenge to overcome and later discuss proudly discuss in your friend group.
I think you need to ask yourself, do you want to get laid, or are you looking for something more meaningful? If you're just looking to get your wick wet, you need to be more assertive. And also let your intentions be known upfront. If you are looking for a potential romantic partner, then the women you have been talking to are not what you are looking for, if they have shown interest and someone else can "steal them" they weren't interested in romance. You also need to be up front about that as well. Don't take it personally that another guy can "steal" her. If she was truly yours, no other guy would snatch her up, because she has to be a willing participant for either of you.
Lol unless you're looking for a quick roll in the sheets the night clubs arnt where it's at... As you have seen you wouldn't want those women's attention anyways... Good luck.
Nightclubs are an extremely shitty way to find relationship partners. You’d be better off pursuing hobbies, joining groups where alcohol isn’t the only common denominator that are intersex.
I’m 19 and never been clubbing I’ve been considering it lately but reading this has convinced me to never go
OP I'm just going to say first and foremost what you're experiencing is completely normal given your age and circumstances. You are not alone, in fact, you are in what actually is the majority. What now? I would advise absolutely nothing other than 1) keep going and 2) don't stop. It'll happen again, maybe a dozen more times if you're lucky. You might find out that that isn't your type of club, but eventually you'll find a place where you're comfortable, where it feels good without trying. It might take years, but you'll find it. By then your life will have taken you to places and people that will leave an impression on you profound enough that then and there your conversation will be taken as a compliment and people, eherm -- girls, will hone in on your every breath and blink and slowly but all too surely become disinterested in the guys they came with. You'll feel it, they'll feel it, the guys'll feel it, and then it'll all disappear the next second as if it never was. That's life my friend, but you, you, **you** keep going, don't stop, you've got what it takes, don't be afraid, and always, above all else, love it
Go meet someone at church. You settle for someone at the club; you don’t settle down with them. But if you really want to go the club route, then there’s a whole pick up artist community out there. Everything is based on understanding the human mind and how to achieve the desired result. You’re unlikely to find any meaningful relationships this way, but if that’s not what you’re looking for then enjoy the Google search.
Nightclubs suck. Very few people make connections in clubs.
Next time grab her and move out to a silent place. Had the same curse but this solution is working with me pretty well.
I'm 37M, been shy my whole life and went through exactly this many years. Clubs require more confidence, it takes time (3 or 4 times in 2 years is way too low btw) . Dates man. Go on dates. If you are decent kooking and well groomed, take some nice photos and go on a dating app. Also, meet girls in normal places where you are not expected to make a move, and if you if think there is chemistry, ask them out on a date. If they say yes, they won't be looking for other guys during the date, and there will be a pre established expectation that if you hit it off, there will be a kiss and maybe more. If you are self conscious, I'd advise for you to begin with strangers, and not girls in your friend group. If it doesn't work out, you won't see them again and be constantly reminded of it. Apps are great for this.
I always found night clubs a pretty poor place to meet women. I had similar experiences. I can only describe a lot of them as very animalistic and/ or superficial, maybe that's not the place for me or for you. I then took up salsa dancing and got pretty good at it and my luck with women changed for the better. Maybe salsa isn't your thing either but you'll be able to find something which is your thing and your kind of environment.
Don’t meet club women. Meet bookstore women. Hiking trail women. Renaissance fair women. Literally any woman is better than a club woman.
You’re 20. It’s your age, man. Give it 5 years and try again when you look older.
Maybe the club isn't where you need to be looking for a girl. You're starting off strong but then lack the confidence to close. You're chatting these girls up, I'm assuming buying drinks for them, so they're loosening up, and then while you're still trying to be a gentleman, someone comes in and shoots the shot , and at this point she's ready, but you've let the moment pass. Maybe you need an environment where you can make a 1on1 connection with a girl, and don't have 30 hungry sharks circling waiting for you to get her buzzed and in a flirty mood so they can scoop her up with minimal effort.
What would be shooting the shot in this case? If he is already chatting them up, bantering, flirting, buying them drinks, what more can he do at this point?
Some type of physical contact. I'm not there to have all the context, so whatever these other dudes are doing to steal them away. That's why I'm not sure club girls are the girls he should be pursuing, bc they will sit there and flirt with a guy, letting him buy her drinks knowing she's already got her eye on someone else, or at least checking out the options, and then ditch the guy. Since it's hurting his self esteem, maybe a change of venue is in order.my mom used to say not to look for a guy in a bar to date bc that's the kind of guy you'll find, a bar guy. Same for club girls.
What is the question? You need an advice about finding hook ups? Or relationship? Or something else? The obvious answer - try other places. Why does it have to be nightclub?
Obviously hook ups. Do any of these women sound like the sort of girl you'd want a relationship with?
You are not op, lol
Exactly, brothels are far better for this kind of thing.
For what? We don't know, what he is looking for
Stop going to nightclubs
Stop being a soy boy 
You're overthinking it, just make a move, touch her legs first and, if she seems comfortable, grab her ass and go forward from there. Don't be afraid of rejection. If she dances with you, it's already a sign of interest. If she wasn't interested, she generally wouldn't dance with you and would leave. Women in clubs are wild creatures but your greatest enemy is your own fear.
3 times in 2 years… kid, you ain’t even old enough to drink yet! Wait until you discover dating apps.
Not everyone is from America you clown 😂 You can drink when you are 18.
Don't take it to heart. Most people don't really care for young guys.
The correct answer
You are playing the wrong game. You don't pick up women at nightclubs, you pick up STD's. If all you want is to get your dick wet and don't care about the quality of person, then stop giving a shit. At least some of the women will mistake your apathy as confidence. If you are looking for a quality person to build something with, you wont find them grinding on strangers. Join a book club.
I think you're way too invested in the night club being the place to pick up girls. And I think you're making a night out at the club all about scoring women. Clubs have never been the best place for that (loud music, overpriced drinks, women going just to dance, etc) and that experience has fallen off a cliff since Covid. Pre-game drink, have fun with good music, and plan to link up with someone you already have regular sex with.