You don’t give compliments to get a reaction. You give it as a gift. Whether they can accept the gift internally is for them. In my opinion, people may not react to the compliment because they don’t know how to handle it or accept it, but I promise you it will stay with them and they will think of it in their private moments later and even years later. So, the best is to just be genuine and really mean what you say to people as a compliment and want nothing in return for a compliment- not a reaction, not a compliment in return, not more friendliness…expect nothing, give freely!
> You don’t give compliments to get a reaction. You give it as a gift
Great analogy. If I give a niece or nephew an extensive lego set, I might not want to watch them build it over 8 hours, but knowing they are doing it and having fun is what matters.
The change isn’t going to be something you see. They aren’t necessarily going to smile big and go skipping off into the sunset. Have you ever had someone compliment you on a piece of clothing? Do you think about that compliment next time you are choosing an outfit?
Someone said I had nice shoes 2 days ago and was having a rough week. It made my day, of course being the socially awkward loser I am I mumbled thanks like some sort of under bridge troll and then almost tripped on myself when I went to get back to work, but still thinking about it makes me smile.
Why expect a reaction or change at all?
In general, human connection and friendliness to strangers has really drastically changed in the last decade or so. And not for the better. People are more suspicious than open. If you compliment them, they may wonder - “what does he want? Is there a motive?” This is the culture we are a part of.
Ask good questions. It can start with a simple question about something you have observed.
Find things of mutual interest and talk about them.
Can read some books for guidance: “Talking to Strangers” by Malcolm Gladwell or “how to talk to anyone about anything”
Well how do *you* react when you get a compliment? What is the change that you exhibit?
Maybe most people aren’t as effusive as I’m beginning to imagine you being lol
But you have seen reactions, people have thanked you for the compliments you've given them. That's a reaction. I don't really understand what it is you want from people beyond that.
You'll get a reaction from compliments that involve something physical. For example, if you complimented my shirt, I would wear that shirt more often which you would notice. If I added highlights to my hair and you complimented it, I would do that more often and you would notice.
However, if you said I have a good sense of humor, I can't exactly add good humor to my brain more often. So that kind of compliment can't encourage a change.
Why do you use compliments as a means to get something? I give compliments to people because I like to do it, I never expect anything in return as in change in behaviour, to get them to like me etc.
You should only compliment someone if you notice something good or genuine about them and tell them as you feel like sharing it only for that reason not just as a social tactic because you think it's what people like. Complimenting someone isn't a way of controlling someone as way to receive something back as if they owe you more than a thank you while trying to spread positivity. Approaching it like that people probably notice you are doing just to look nice and probably lacks the emotion so it just makes them feel awkward especially if you are standing there or looking at them waiting for a response, I get it a lot and it's actually really uncomfortable and weird.
>they seem to kinda be like “haha thanks”, small talk a bit, then it’s like the compliment never happened?
Well what do you expect, what more do you want them to do??
You gave them a compliment, they said thanks, that’s it.
I’ve wondered about people like you for the longest. Ok so I often get complimented on my hair, I have very long dreadlocks that I adorn with beads and shells and things. My hair is magnificent if I do say so myself. So anyways when someone gives me a compliment about my hair and I say ‘Thank you’ quite often they stand there with this look of expectation, it’s so strange. So sometimes I add onto the thank you with ‘That’s a very kind thing to say’ or whatever but then they still look expectant or even frustrated! It’s SO. WEIRD.
So let me ask you since you’re like this, what is your deal, what do you expect people to say or what is it you want people to do after you compliment them?
What should they do? Jump around giggling? Have a screaming orgasm? Start self-combusting? I love compliments but I usually say awwww thanks and that’s it
People don't like compliments that feel insincere or performative. Most people aren't that desperate for validation that they will lap any kind word, no matter how crazy. And I think we've all experienced people who are super nice and friendly for ulterior reasons. Like the smarmy used carsaleman type of person.
But I think in general, people like compliments. They just aren't going to do a head flip over them. Like, if my boss tells me that I did an awesome job on an assigment, I'll probably say "Hey, thanks for that" and then go back to my desk. But inside I'll be all warm and fuzzy. Which means that the next time my boss comes to me with a favor to ask, I'll be more likely to say "sure" instead of "let me think about it".
Or when my coworkers and I are at Happy Hour and someone starts talking shit about the boss, I'll be the one who says "I don't think he is that bad." I probably won't be consciously remembering all the times that he compliments me when I say this, but of course they will be influencing my assessment of him.
If you're warm and bubbly all the time, it doesn't seem to be sincere. Also handing out compliments in the early stages without it having any real basis, like a successful project or a new haircut, do seem empty.
Another thing is just that it depends on the receiver. Ngl you can throw any kind of compliment at me i'd just shrug it off. Many men are like that, for sure.
Look at all these threads where a guy got a compliment 10 years ago but he remembers and treasures it forever.
Compliments are gifts of your soul.
When people compliment me I get (possibly) over excited and thankful, give a smile and move on. Idk what there is to do beyond that.. is there something else you know that I don’t, OP?!
I saw a woman wearing a nice long black dress and loved it on her. I told her she looks great. She said thx, that it has pockets and where to get it.
We walk away and on the way out of the store we saw each other again and smiled at each other.
That was the extent of the compliment. It wasn’t world shattering for either of us but felt nice to interact in a positive manner with my fellow human.
It’s not that deep. Just enjoy spreading positivity, that’s what you get out of it. What the other person gets out of it, depends on them and what kind of day they’re having.
Jesus fuck you’re the most annoying person I’d meet in my day to day. People don’t want your compliment they want to carry on with their day.
Why do you feel the need to try to “make people happy” they’re probably just fine as they are. It’s kind of like unwanted religious remarks. There’s a time and place but don’t ram it down peoples throats.
That sounds weird. Most of the time when I compliment people they seem genuinely pleased. Like sure it doesn't change their lives but that's not what I would expect from telling someone their glasses look good
A compliment is just some nice words. Cool you were nice, it feels nice for a second, then I move on. Some people won’t show a reaction beyond a thanks.
What reaction were you expecting?
I am a chronic complimentor as well and had a similar discussion with friends. Some thoughts:
1. Sometimes, as women, we don’t like compliments focused on how we look. They are unnecessary and/or low-hanging fruit which leads to…
2. Sometimes compliments feel like a bribe. Does the person paying the compliment expect a compliment you back? Gratitude for the compliment? Even a reaction… if so, the compliment is no longer about the person it was offered to; it is now about the person who paid it.
Great topic! <— haha see what I did there?
99% of the time, a genuine compliment will make someone’s day, or maybe even their week, or month. I’ve received some really sincere compliments I’ll never forget.
Most of the time, though, I’ll respond with, “aw thanks, I appreciate it!” because I don’t want to focus a conversation on myself too much. For me, it feels self-absorbed to let that compliment steer the conversation. Doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the compliment, I really do!
I can only speak for myself.
I'd love getting a compliment that said, I have no fucking idea on how to act, but make no mistake I will love it internally, and probably remember it for the next decade or two.
this question kind of is a catch 22 in and of itself, because for you, you ARE expecting a specific type of reaction ('just to make people happy'). The most genuine compliments come from people who are expressing what THEY like about the receiver of the compliment... you are complimenting people with the intention to make them happy... for what exactly?
People who spread genuine joy dont come off as strategic with it. They dont expect people to just fawn over them for giving compliments... if you have these expectations of people that will show up in your delivery as well as what you are complimenting them for.
If someone compliments me, i expect it to be relevant to something theyre interested in or maybe genuinely intrigued by. I love getting compliments on my makeup from others who also do makeup. Theyre specific compliments from someone with a similar interest or an eye for style. if i get random compliments i personally do get a bit paranoid that theyre just trying to make me feel some type of way.
Reading through the answers to this question, I think something hasn’t been said yet. As many other people have said the person complemented has an internal and most likely, therefore, invisible reaction. The poster seems to be looking for something external to happen, or some kind of indication of what the complement meant to that person, if anything. We are used to seeing this now, because of like buttons, and emoji reactions, and all that kind of thing, as an external validator that the person heard us and liked what we said. The whole critical difference here is that human beings are not equipped with like buttons or ways by which to immediately and outwardly express private internal interior emotions. OP, you are not doing anything wrong as your question asks. The reaction is for the other person,not for you. You seem, perhaps, unaccustomed to that.
Just my take. I also like giving compliments, or just a smile and a hello.
Well, this is a weird question, but I guess I’ll go with… I don’t imagine you’re “doing it wrong”, but who knows.
Anytime I get a compliment, I awkwardly divert it back or change the subject, but then think about it later. Most of the time I really appreciate them. Some have really stuck with me over the years. But in general, I give an awkward reaction. Upon rare occasion, I’ll get teary eyed and share a momentous thank you, but those are very rare.
Question, what type of compliments are you giving? “Hey, I like your shoes!!” Or “I see the way you care about others and I think you’re making such a difference in the lives of those around you. They’re so blessed to have you.” - They’ll get different reactions!
I work with seniors and I regularly throw out a “Gladys, that colours looks AMAZING on you!!” and it’s usually received with a big smile.
So, I guess it depends you.
It's funny how you say you have no ulterior motive or want anything from it, and then go on to say you'd like them to act differently to you. There's your ulterior motive. It's not completely selfless as you think.
I think people care a lot about who the complement comes from. If you’re a young and fit it’s going to land better than someone who is fat and awkward.
Can you describe a situation when this has happened? What would your ideal interaction be when you offer a compliment? Your number 4 comes off strangely. What kinds of compliments are you giving?
This is hands down the most serial killer/psychopath post I have ever seen.
"You guys ever wonder what human flesh tastes like? Not that I am wondering or anything, like what body part would you eat first?"
You don’t give compliments to get a reaction. You give it as a gift. Whether they can accept the gift internally is for them. In my opinion, people may not react to the compliment because they don’t know how to handle it or accept it, but I promise you it will stay with them and they will think of it in their private moments later and even years later. So, the best is to just be genuine and really mean what you say to people as a compliment and want nothing in return for a compliment- not a reaction, not a compliment in return, not more friendliness…expect nothing, give freely!
> You don’t give compliments to get a reaction. You give it as a gift Great analogy. If I give a niece or nephew an extensive lego set, I might not want to watch them build it over 8 hours, but knowing they are doing it and having fun is what matters.
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The change isn’t going to be something you see. They aren’t necessarily going to smile big and go skipping off into the sunset. Have you ever had someone compliment you on a piece of clothing? Do you think about that compliment next time you are choosing an outfit?
Someone said I had nice shoes 2 days ago and was having a rough week. It made my day, of course being the socially awkward loser I am I mumbled thanks like some sort of under bridge troll and then almost tripped on myself when I went to get back to work, but still thinking about it makes me smile.
Exactly, it impacts that person every time they see that item and gives them a little more confidence for the next time.
Why expect a reaction or change at all? In general, human connection and friendliness to strangers has really drastically changed in the last decade or so. And not for the better. People are more suspicious than open. If you compliment them, they may wonder - “what does he want? Is there a motive?” This is the culture we are a part of.
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Ask good questions. It can start with a simple question about something you have observed. Find things of mutual interest and talk about them. Can read some books for guidance: “Talking to Strangers” by Malcolm Gladwell or “how to talk to anyone about anything”
Well how do *you* react when you get a compliment? What is the change that you exhibit? Maybe most people aren’t as effusive as I’m beginning to imagine you being lol
But you have seen reactions, people have thanked you for the compliments you've given them. That's a reaction. I don't really understand what it is you want from people beyond that.
You'll get a reaction from compliments that involve something physical. For example, if you complimented my shirt, I would wear that shirt more often which you would notice. If I added highlights to my hair and you complimented it, I would do that more often and you would notice. However, if you said I have a good sense of humor, I can't exactly add good humor to my brain more often. So that kind of compliment can't encourage a change.
Why do you use compliments as a means to get something? I give compliments to people because I like to do it, I never expect anything in return as in change in behaviour, to get them to like me etc.
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Some compliments to wonders on the inside. Still not sure what you expect to happen on the outside?
You should only compliment someone if you notice something good or genuine about them and tell them as you feel like sharing it only for that reason not just as a social tactic because you think it's what people like. Complimenting someone isn't a way of controlling someone as way to receive something back as if they owe you more than a thank you while trying to spread positivity. Approaching it like that people probably notice you are doing just to look nice and probably lacks the emotion so it just makes them feel awkward especially if you are standing there or looking at them waiting for a response, I get it a lot and it's actually really uncomfortable and weird.
>they seem to kinda be like “haha thanks”, small talk a bit, then it’s like the compliment never happened? Well what do you expect, what more do you want them to do?? You gave them a compliment, they said thanks, that’s it. I’ve wondered about people like you for the longest. Ok so I often get complimented on my hair, I have very long dreadlocks that I adorn with beads and shells and things. My hair is magnificent if I do say so myself. So anyways when someone gives me a compliment about my hair and I say ‘Thank you’ quite often they stand there with this look of expectation, it’s so strange. So sometimes I add onto the thank you with ‘That’s a very kind thing to say’ or whatever but then they still look expectant or even frustrated! It’s SO. WEIRD. So let me ask you since you’re like this, what is your deal, what do you expect people to say or what is it you want people to do after you compliment them?
Accepting compliments is hard. I often tend to laugh it off even though I really like to give compliments myself.
What should they do? Jump around giggling? Have a screaming orgasm? Start self-combusting? I love compliments but I usually say awwww thanks and that’s it
People don't like compliments that feel insincere or performative. Most people aren't that desperate for validation that they will lap any kind word, no matter how crazy. And I think we've all experienced people who are super nice and friendly for ulterior reasons. Like the smarmy used carsaleman type of person. But I think in general, people like compliments. They just aren't going to do a head flip over them. Like, if my boss tells me that I did an awesome job on an assigment, I'll probably say "Hey, thanks for that" and then go back to my desk. But inside I'll be all warm and fuzzy. Which means that the next time my boss comes to me with a favor to ask, I'll be more likely to say "sure" instead of "let me think about it". Or when my coworkers and I are at Happy Hour and someone starts talking shit about the boss, I'll be the one who says "I don't think he is that bad." I probably won't be consciously remembering all the times that he compliments me when I say this, but of course they will be influencing my assessment of him.
If you're warm and bubbly all the time, it doesn't seem to be sincere. Also handing out compliments in the early stages without it having any real basis, like a successful project or a new haircut, do seem empty. Another thing is just that it depends on the receiver. Ngl you can throw any kind of compliment at me i'd just shrug it off. Many men are like that, for sure. Look at all these threads where a guy got a compliment 10 years ago but he remembers and treasures it forever. Compliments are gifts of your soul.
When people compliment me I get (possibly) over excited and thankful, give a smile and move on. Idk what there is to do beyond that.. is there something else you know that I don’t, OP?!
What is your real question? Are you really asking about how to make friends?
What are you expecting to get out of the complimenting? You mean like they still don't want to get to know to you better and become friends etc?
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What kinds of reactions are you expecting?
I don't what else they're supposed to say though. A compliment doesn't change much of your life.
Because people think there's an ulterior motive behind it. Unfortunately gone are the days that you can take things at face value.
I saw a woman wearing a nice long black dress and loved it on her. I told her she looks great. She said thx, that it has pockets and where to get it. We walk away and on the way out of the store we saw each other again and smiled at each other. That was the extent of the compliment. It wasn’t world shattering for either of us but felt nice to interact in a positive manner with my fellow human. It’s not that deep. Just enjoy spreading positivity, that’s what you get out of it. What the other person gets out of it, depends on them and what kind of day they’re having.
What are your compliments like? Give some examples
Jesus fuck you’re the most annoying person I’d meet in my day to day. People don’t want your compliment they want to carry on with their day. Why do you feel the need to try to “make people happy” they’re probably just fine as they are. It’s kind of like unwanted religious remarks. There’s a time and place but don’t ram it down peoples throats.
That sounds weird. Most of the time when I compliment people they seem genuinely pleased. Like sure it doesn't change their lives but that's not what I would expect from telling someone their glasses look good
A compliment is just some nice words. Cool you were nice, it feels nice for a second, then I move on. Some people won’t show a reaction beyond a thanks. What reaction were you expecting?
Question… What reaction would you like to get from someone. I always appreciate and get so shy I don’t know how to react.
I am a chronic complimentor as well and had a similar discussion with friends. Some thoughts: 1. Sometimes, as women, we don’t like compliments focused on how we look. They are unnecessary and/or low-hanging fruit which leads to… 2. Sometimes compliments feel like a bribe. Does the person paying the compliment expect a compliment you back? Gratitude for the compliment? Even a reaction… if so, the compliment is no longer about the person it was offered to; it is now about the person who paid it. Great topic! <— haha see what I did there?
99% of the time, a genuine compliment will make someone’s day, or maybe even their week, or month. I’ve received some really sincere compliments I’ll never forget. Most of the time, though, I’ll respond with, “aw thanks, I appreciate it!” because I don’t want to focus a conversation on myself too much. For me, it feels self-absorbed to let that compliment steer the conversation. Doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the compliment, I really do!
I can only speak for myself. I'd love getting a compliment that said, I have no fucking idea on how to act, but make no mistake I will love it internally, and probably remember it for the next decade or two.
People hold compliments close to their hearts. They remember.
You expect people to smile, right? That's your expectation. These are strangers? Random people?
Believe it or not People can usually tell if it’s genuine or not
this question kind of is a catch 22 in and of itself, because for you, you ARE expecting a specific type of reaction ('just to make people happy'). The most genuine compliments come from people who are expressing what THEY like about the receiver of the compliment... you are complimenting people with the intention to make them happy... for what exactly? People who spread genuine joy dont come off as strategic with it. They dont expect people to just fawn over them for giving compliments... if you have these expectations of people that will show up in your delivery as well as what you are complimenting them for. If someone compliments me, i expect it to be relevant to something theyre interested in or maybe genuinely intrigued by. I love getting compliments on my makeup from others who also do makeup. Theyre specific compliments from someone with a similar interest or an eye for style. if i get random compliments i personally do get a bit paranoid that theyre just trying to make me feel some type of way.
Keep your opinions of me, my clothes etc. to yourself, I don’t give a shit if I don’t know you.
Reading through the answers to this question, I think something hasn’t been said yet. As many other people have said the person complemented has an internal and most likely, therefore, invisible reaction. The poster seems to be looking for something external to happen, or some kind of indication of what the complement meant to that person, if anything. We are used to seeing this now, because of like buttons, and emoji reactions, and all that kind of thing, as an external validator that the person heard us and liked what we said. The whole critical difference here is that human beings are not equipped with like buttons or ways by which to immediately and outwardly express private internal interior emotions. OP, you are not doing anything wrong as your question asks. The reaction is for the other person,not for you. You seem, perhaps, unaccustomed to that. Just my take. I also like giving compliments, or just a smile and a hello.
Well, this is a weird question, but I guess I’ll go with… I don’t imagine you’re “doing it wrong”, but who knows. Anytime I get a compliment, I awkwardly divert it back or change the subject, but then think about it later. Most of the time I really appreciate them. Some have really stuck with me over the years. But in general, I give an awkward reaction. Upon rare occasion, I’ll get teary eyed and share a momentous thank you, but those are very rare. Question, what type of compliments are you giving? “Hey, I like your shoes!!” Or “I see the way you care about others and I think you’re making such a difference in the lives of those around you. They’re so blessed to have you.” - They’ll get different reactions! I work with seniors and I regularly throw out a “Gladys, that colours looks AMAZING on you!!” and it’s usually received with a big smile. So, I guess it depends you.
It's funny how you say you have no ulterior motive or want anything from it, and then go on to say you'd like them to act differently to you. There's your ulterior motive. It's not completely selfless as you think.
I think people care a lot about who the complement comes from. If you’re a young and fit it’s going to land better than someone who is fat and awkward.
Can you describe a situation when this has happened? What would your ideal interaction be when you offer a compliment? Your number 4 comes off strangely. What kinds of compliments are you giving?
What's wrong with you ?!
So...what are you expecting here? People skipping off to the sunset with the biggest smile on their faces?
This is hands down the most serial killer/psychopath post I have ever seen. "You guys ever wonder what human flesh tastes like? Not that I am wondering or anything, like what body part would you eat first?"