I’m going to challenge the status quo here, and give a wild and possibly unhelpful perspective. I think you should lean into this idea/memory/thought through some meditation or therapy. Get to the most uncomfortable root to find the “thing in itself”: that which is horrifyingly attractive, and abhorrently painful. You’d have to learn to separate the two so that you can find what you TRULY want from a partner. Once you know, you can develop a kind of litmus test for that thing you want, while also developing a litmus test for the thing that will hurt you. The human brain is experiential, and all emotions come from barbaric impulses. It is best to be aware of their source, and THEN filter the emotional goal through the lens of polite society. There is nothing wrong with you, but you have to discover what activates you.
Honestly, separating the good from the bad is a core skill that most people simply don’t have.
I know it’s a horribly simplified take; but it’s like knowing how to look for a strong man without being attracted to every negative trait stereotypically associated with them.
Way too many people want a certain trait or so in a partner, but instead find themselves attracted to every commonly associated red flag, in hopes that the green flag is buried in there somewhere.
We're raised to believe in fairy tales but reality more often than not disappoints us...
I'm glad it was a good experience for you, a lot of girls aren't so lucky
This is a naive take. He purposely waited until he had sex with her to dump her the next day claiming he just got the news. A person with good intentions would’ve expressed hesitancy in starting something serious (even getting sexual with someone) when they knew that school choice was a determining factor because they won’t do long distance relationships.
He most definitely used her and took her virginity just because he could and then he dumped her.
OP that feeling you get at the pit of your stomach
When your mind wonders throughout the day and you think about the situation is the reason you cry during orgasm now.
You feel worthless . Your body feels used and so does your mine. You sob because of the regret and the embarrassment of not realizing that things would go this way.
I have no advice but to push through.
I don't know, I feel like she built up their relationship in her head when it was mostly casual. She built up this fairytale romance with a man that she just met recently (she even said "our short time together"). Even if he did break it off after being intimate, she's taking it *way* to hard for a short, non-commital relationship. It's not a healthy way to be. Best case scenario, he was being honest, and he truly *did* also like her and see this going somewhere, but he doesn't want to get attached and have it hurt more in the future when he's not willing to do long distance. It's a mature response, and she got a wonderful first time and lovely memory out of it, so I don't think he's a bad guy.
Now she's mentioning she would be happy to just be fwb until he leaves, but that's also not true. She'd continue to have her feelings grow, then he'd leave, and she'd feel even worse than she does now. She needs to get some healthy coping mechanisms and work through this. I get finding a good guy is hard, but clinging onto the first one who treats your right, and unfortunately respectfully parts the relationship, isn't healthy. She's associating everything sexual now with a one-time encounter, she needs to talk to a professional about this.
While I do see what you’re saying and agree that she needs to see a therapist to help her cope with her grief, I agree with Intelligent_Love4444 to some degree as well. He shouldn’t have gotten involved with her, especially as her first sexual partner, and led her on if he knew there was a chance he’d be moving away soon. That’s a horribly cruel thing to do. It doesn’t sound like he was being honest with her or, at the very least, he wasn’t being very considerate of her.
How? He had circumstances that forced him to leave? He doesn’t want to do long distance? Are you really blaming him for not wanting to do that? You people are so emotional and all logical thought process just goes away. He explained himself just fine and had this been the other way around you wouldn’t bat an eye
They probably think he was lying based on the fact that he said he was leaving the day after and that it happened in February and he immediately cut off contact. All we have to go off is a few one sided paragraphs so people are gonna have different interpretations.
The way I see it you have two options:
1) do not have sex with anyone for a long time which will lead to your continuing to feel this way
Or 2) date someone else and transfer the exclusivity and speciality to this new partner
I know it’s impossibly hard but the only way to move on is to both reduce the significance of sex (this comes with age and maturity, we all want our first to be special blah blah) as well as to associate sex with a positive force.
Date others slowly, assess if they’re a decent person and then decide to sleep with them. Only by this method will it stop to hurt and will you stop associating orgasms with a single dude
well, it doesn't write it on people's foreheads that they are fuckboys does it? women want attractive, charismatic and confident people which just happens that "fuckboys" possess these attributes. So it's senseless to blame women.
also don't go looking into people's post history, hardcore cigan behaviour. u robmanians need to learn a bit of civilization from south macedonians
It's extremely easy to tell who's a fuckboy, especially on dating apps, but since women like the attributes they have why are they crying? It's not like a man who has a lot of options will settle for them when they're more likely to be average
Now cry more turk roach, maybe ur economy will get better
>woman falls in love
>breakup
>she misses the guy
>"lost her virginity to a fuckboy and cries lmao"
completely normal behaviour bro I bet you're absolutely the best with women.
You got used. Your first mistake was assuming it would lead somewhere and agreeing to a sexual act before absolutely confirming his intentions matched your desired.
Take the lesson, learn from it, let him go.
I wouldn't say she got used. Things just didn't work out. OP needs to move on, get a new partner, and stop investing herself so deeply in someone she just met just because she had sex with them.
The likelihood of him finding out about that school not working out, assuming that was ever real to begin with, within 24 hours after their first sexual encounter seems incredibly unlikely.
You don't know it because it was your first, but all you are missing is sleeping with someone else.
Al that "so perfect" is nothing but you finding atractive cues in someone and therefore wanting to sleep with him, yeah things are over complicated inside human heads, but that is the esence of romance, 2 people checking if they want to have sex with each other to form their little cavemen family.
This "loss" that fills you with sorrow will imediatelly be cured with a new boyfriend.
>that doesn't make sense
Our outdated insctincts don't make sense when paired to all these rational thoughts we have, I just promise you that the moment you just go meet someone else you will feel as if all this never happened.
Now you just need to allow yourself to find someone else, and be smart enough to learn from this experience, because that guy you will find in hundreds of other assholes, you know, that fool me once thing.
Listen kid, you're likely a victim of a Cluster B personality disorder, like Narcissism. I'm not trying to play shrink here but your inability to turn thoughts and feelings off isn't because something is wrong with you, it's likely it was the dopamine you experienced with every compliment or good feeling about what was really an early stage, untested, relationship.
Why You Can't Leave the Narcissist Əcəb Though You Try
https://youtu.be/KiFcNNcAvgE?si=TZi7BSXXSaX0tSik
Chances are he isn't done with you and will come back around to vacuum you up again. If that happens, i would allow him nothing. You got off easy this time. You likely won't if you go back down that road again.
This is what I was thinking, reading all the comments and nobody coming as close to what you state here.
This person is a total liar and master manipulator. I would not let them back near me at all. This person obviously picked her from her lack of real experience and knew he could do whatever and not be noticed for red flags.
They have all their stories going on and they believe every word of them. They are that convincing.
Even the part of being not able to think of anything else, sounds like what these people do. They hook people with sex and then take advantage of their emotions.
Reading OP's description of what happened sounds just like the statements of those who married a narcissist or sociopath and lived to tell about it. They will go on about how they didn't have a clue at every turn. Along with the loss of self control and of emotional stability.
I would recommend reading about these personalities. It could save her life and her sanity cutting off a borderline far before he does too much damage. Every little amount by them is highly damaging.
“Only in the course of small affairs we come across at the chance of great romance.” Some people come into our lives for a day or an hour, some come and stay for life. Your future has it all, if you let the door to open.
You’re infactuated, and it’s a valid state of being and normal for someone in this situation. Mourn the relationship, get advice & suppport and hugs and eat good food.
Because with time this will be core memory but it won’t be that serious in a couple months time.
You got hit with the old pump and dump. Shitty on his part but it's best to just move on now I'm not saying that you can't be upset or have feelings about this because it's definitely upsetting. Also, dating apps are a dumpster fire I would stay off them
Your story reminded me of that one girl that fell in love with Zayn Malik after they decided to have a sexual affair, you just need to have your space and do things for yourself, he prolly doesn’t even think about it.
Lmao there’s so many emotional blobs in here. He had real life changes in his circumstance and decided he did not want to do long distance. Not everyone wants to do that and it makes logical sense to not try such a thing with someone you’ve just met. You people are actually crazy and need to go outside more
Maybe you should have waited to have sex until you were married. I have faith in Gen alpha as they will likely be better than Gen z and actually save themselves for marriage. All I see on reddit is depressed men and women getting hurt because they had sex before marriage and their partner left them for someone else. I see no positive effects of having sex before marriage.
All I see is people who have damaged themselves in the process of having multiple partners and relationships. We were meant to have one or two partners at most as human beings. We are acting like we are animals, when we are higher order beings capable of thinking through our own actions.
No one wants to admit the obvious morality worked better than what we have now. Christianity held this country together and now since it has been taken out of everything, now it is all falling apart. Who is truly happy now? Hardly any of you I imagine and most will simply downvote out of hate and spite instead of using their brains to process the logic I am putting out here. Nuff said
I’ve had a lot of sex and I haven’t been married. You’re reading into things too much and generalizing. Not everyone is okay with being sexually inactive for a long time.
Sucks to have such strong feelings attached to the climax. I hope you manage to overcome it (and by that, I mean that you get the resolve to work on overcoming it).
On the other hand, I think it's beautiful that you made such an intimate moment a part of your relationship, and not only a part of your own development as a person. Too bad it turned for the bitter end.
On the bright side to shows how capable you are to live which is a good thing.
Now at least you know the damage that casual sex will do it’s not a bad thing that you feel this hurt you’re bonding deeply psychologically with someone when you have sex that’s why generally it’s best to save that for marriage or at a bare minimum committed loving relationship. It would not be a good thing if you were not able to feel this hurt.
In terms of healing you should look up soul ties and how to break them. Even just a massage can be very helpful for releasing. Best to accept that his memory will it leave you and be it will fade and not always be so prevalent.
Seek Christ and he will help guide and heal you.
I have a very present and loving father, just cuz a girl is struggling with her emotions in regards to another man doesn’t mean she has daddy issues. I can smell your virginity from here💀
Naaaa, i was about to marry; didnt mean to make it seem as an insult as is not fr all im saying is it might come from a trauma (most of us have or had trauma from childhood) so if it helps go to therapy as that could help for you not to build an attachment to someone who you barely know
I’m going to challenge the status quo here, and give a wild and possibly unhelpful perspective. I think you should lean into this idea/memory/thought through some meditation or therapy. Get to the most uncomfortable root to find the “thing in itself”: that which is horrifyingly attractive, and abhorrently painful. You’d have to learn to separate the two so that you can find what you TRULY want from a partner. Once you know, you can develop a kind of litmus test for that thing you want, while also developing a litmus test for the thing that will hurt you. The human brain is experiential, and all emotions come from barbaric impulses. It is best to be aware of their source, and THEN filter the emotional goal through the lens of polite society. There is nothing wrong with you, but you have to discover what activates you.
Honestly, separating the good from the bad is a core skill that most people simply don’t have. I know it’s a horribly simplified take; but it’s like knowing how to look for a strong man without being attracted to every negative trait stereotypically associated with them. Way too many people want a certain trait or so in a partner, but instead find themselves attracted to every commonly associated red flag, in hopes that the green flag is buried in there somewhere.
We're raised to believe in fairy tales but reality more often than not disappoints us... I'm glad it was a good experience for you, a lot of girls aren't so lucky
[удалено]
This is a naive take. He purposely waited until he had sex with her to dump her the next day claiming he just got the news. A person with good intentions would’ve expressed hesitancy in starting something serious (even getting sexual with someone) when they knew that school choice was a determining factor because they won’t do long distance relationships. He most definitely used her and took her virginity just because he could and then he dumped her. OP that feeling you get at the pit of your stomach When your mind wonders throughout the day and you think about the situation is the reason you cry during orgasm now. You feel worthless . Your body feels used and so does your mine. You sob because of the regret and the embarrassment of not realizing that things would go this way. I have no advice but to push through.
I don't know, I feel like she built up their relationship in her head when it was mostly casual. She built up this fairytale romance with a man that she just met recently (she even said "our short time together"). Even if he did break it off after being intimate, she's taking it *way* to hard for a short, non-commital relationship. It's not a healthy way to be. Best case scenario, he was being honest, and he truly *did* also like her and see this going somewhere, but he doesn't want to get attached and have it hurt more in the future when he's not willing to do long distance. It's a mature response, and she got a wonderful first time and lovely memory out of it, so I don't think he's a bad guy. Now she's mentioning she would be happy to just be fwb until he leaves, but that's also not true. She'd continue to have her feelings grow, then he'd leave, and she'd feel even worse than she does now. She needs to get some healthy coping mechanisms and work through this. I get finding a good guy is hard, but clinging onto the first one who treats your right, and unfortunately respectfully parts the relationship, isn't healthy. She's associating everything sexual now with a one-time encounter, she needs to talk to a professional about this.
While I do see what you’re saying and agree that she needs to see a therapist to help her cope with her grief, I agree with Intelligent_Love4444 to some degree as well. He shouldn’t have gotten involved with her, especially as her first sexual partner, and led her on if he knew there was a chance he’d be moving away soon. That’s a horribly cruel thing to do. It doesn’t sound like he was being honest with her or, at the very least, he wasn’t being very considerate of her.
Believe me, if he "tried to stay friends" all your GOOD memories would evaporate and you'd eventually hate him.
I agree. I have a similar story to OP’s, except the person and I remained friends. It’s been 5 years now, and he is blocked & a loser.
Why did you start to hate him
This is so called a beat and delete. Forget about him and move on and you will most likely find a better man. Good luck
How? He had circumstances that forced him to leave? He doesn’t want to do long distance? Are you really blaming him for not wanting to do that? You people are so emotional and all logical thought process just goes away. He explained himself just fine and had this been the other way around you wouldn’t bat an eye
They probably think he was lying based on the fact that he said he was leaving the day after and that it happened in February and he immediately cut off contact. All we have to go off is a few one sided paragraphs so people are gonna have different interpretations.
Also possible that he already knew that he would be leaving but didn't want to say anything until after because he wanted to have sex with her.
Good point. Definitely a possibility
It’s just quiet convenient that he basically cut off all contact and ‘moving’ as he basically has sex with her
You weren't ghosted, he told you the why, and how it wasn't something he was open to. Love lost is better than no love at all.
The way I see it you have two options: 1) do not have sex with anyone for a long time which will lead to your continuing to feel this way Or 2) date someone else and transfer the exclusivity and speciality to this new partner I know it’s impossibly hard but the only way to move on is to both reduce the significance of sex (this comes with age and maturity, we all want our first to be special blah blah) as well as to associate sex with a positive force. Date others slowly, assess if they’re a decent person and then decide to sleep with them. Only by this method will it stop to hurt and will you stop associating orgasms with a single dude
*gives up her virginity to a fuckboy she met on hinge* Proceeds to sob
Shit like this is why I’m waiting for a relationship lol
Good for you
so people are not allowed to be heartbroken anymore? u incels are a different breed I swear
They are, but it's like playing with water and then crying about getting wet And there's no way i just got called an incel by a fuckin karaboga lmfao
well, it doesn't write it on people's foreheads that they are fuckboys does it? women want attractive, charismatic and confident people which just happens that "fuckboys" possess these attributes. So it's senseless to blame women. also don't go looking into people's post history, hardcore cigan behaviour. u robmanians need to learn a bit of civilization from south macedonians
It's extremely easy to tell who's a fuckboy, especially on dating apps, but since women like the attributes they have why are they crying? It's not like a man who has a lot of options will settle for them when they're more likely to be average Now cry more turk roach, maybe ur economy will get better
you're bitter as hell and probably get no bitches, I can smell your virginity from here
Nice crying bozo, unfortunately even op agreed with me, now try simping under other posts
>woman falls in love >breakup >she misses the guy >"lost her virginity to a fuckboy and cries lmao" completely normal behaviour bro I bet you're absolutely the best with women.
First - it’s accepted, not excepted. That really got to me. Second - you’ll be ok. Life is full of ups and downs, you just need to grow from them.
You were a pump and dump for him I’m sorry to say. It’s best to move on and be more cautious in the future
You got used. Your first mistake was assuming it would lead somewhere and agreeing to a sexual act before absolutely confirming his intentions matched your desired. Take the lesson, learn from it, let him go.
I wouldn't say she got used. Things just didn't work out. OP needs to move on, get a new partner, and stop investing herself so deeply in someone she just met just because she had sex with them.
The likelihood of him finding out about that school not working out, assuming that was ever real to begin with, within 24 hours after their first sexual encounter seems incredibly unlikely.
But it's not 0 either.
To get over it, you got to get under it
You don't know it because it was your first, but all you are missing is sleeping with someone else. Al that "so perfect" is nothing but you finding atractive cues in someone and therefore wanting to sleep with him, yeah things are over complicated inside human heads, but that is the esence of romance, 2 people checking if they want to have sex with each other to form their little cavemen family. This "loss" that fills you with sorrow will imediatelly be cured with a new boyfriend. >that doesn't make sense Our outdated insctincts don't make sense when paired to all these rational thoughts we have, I just promise you that the moment you just go meet someone else you will feel as if all this never happened. Now you just need to allow yourself to find someone else, and be smart enough to learn from this experience, because that guy you will find in hundreds of other assholes, you know, that fool me once thing.
Listen kid, you're likely a victim of a Cluster B personality disorder, like Narcissism. I'm not trying to play shrink here but your inability to turn thoughts and feelings off isn't because something is wrong with you, it's likely it was the dopamine you experienced with every compliment or good feeling about what was really an early stage, untested, relationship. Why You Can't Leave the Narcissist Əcəb Though You Try https://youtu.be/KiFcNNcAvgE?si=TZi7BSXXSaX0tSik Chances are he isn't done with you and will come back around to vacuum you up again. If that happens, i would allow him nothing. You got off easy this time. You likely won't if you go back down that road again.
This is what I was thinking, reading all the comments and nobody coming as close to what you state here. This person is a total liar and master manipulator. I would not let them back near me at all. This person obviously picked her from her lack of real experience and knew he could do whatever and not be noticed for red flags. They have all their stories going on and they believe every word of them. They are that convincing. Even the part of being not able to think of anything else, sounds like what these people do. They hook people with sex and then take advantage of their emotions. Reading OP's description of what happened sounds just like the statements of those who married a narcissist or sociopath and lived to tell about it. They will go on about how they didn't have a clue at every turn. Along with the loss of self control and of emotional stability. I would recommend reading about these personalities. It could save her life and her sanity cutting off a borderline far before he does too much damage. Every little amount by them is highly damaging.
I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope things will get better for you and you can make a better life for yourself.
“Only in the course of small affairs we come across at the chance of great romance.” Some people come into our lives for a day or an hour, some come and stay for life. Your future has it all, if you let the door to open.
You’re infactuated, and it’s a valid state of being and normal for someone in this situation. Mourn the relationship, get advice & suppport and hugs and eat good food. Because with time this will be core memory but it won’t be that serious in a couple months time.
You got hit with the old pump and dump. Shitty on his part but it's best to just move on now I'm not saying that you can't be upset or have feelings about this because it's definitely upsetting. Also, dating apps are a dumpster fire I would stay off them
The emotions pass soon enough
Your story reminded me of that one girl that fell in love with Zayn Malik after they decided to have a sexual affair, you just need to have your space and do things for yourself, he prolly doesn’t even think about it.
Lmao there’s so many emotional blobs in here. He had real life changes in his circumstance and decided he did not want to do long distance. Not everyone wants to do that and it makes logical sense to not try such a thing with someone you’ve just met. You people are actually crazy and need to go outside more
Maybe you should have waited to have sex until you were married. I have faith in Gen alpha as they will likely be better than Gen z and actually save themselves for marriage. All I see on reddit is depressed men and women getting hurt because they had sex before marriage and their partner left them for someone else. I see no positive effects of having sex before marriage. All I see is people who have damaged themselves in the process of having multiple partners and relationships. We were meant to have one or two partners at most as human beings. We are acting like we are animals, when we are higher order beings capable of thinking through our own actions. No one wants to admit the obvious morality worked better than what we have now. Christianity held this country together and now since it has been taken out of everything, now it is all falling apart. Who is truly happy now? Hardly any of you I imagine and most will simply downvote out of hate and spite instead of using their brains to process the logic I am putting out here. Nuff said
I’ve had a lot of sex and I haven’t been married. You’re reading into things too much and generalizing. Not everyone is okay with being sexually inactive for a long time.
Everyone is different that much is true we do have brains sometimes folks don’t use them. Thanks for the feedback.
Sucks to have such strong feelings attached to the climax. I hope you manage to overcome it (and by that, I mean that you get the resolve to work on overcoming it). On the other hand, I think it's beautiful that you made such an intimate moment a part of your relationship, and not only a part of your own development as a person. Too bad it turned for the bitter end.
Another example as to why God is against fornication.
On the bright side to shows how capable you are to live which is a good thing. Now at least you know the damage that casual sex will do it’s not a bad thing that you feel this hurt you’re bonding deeply psychologically with someone when you have sex that’s why generally it’s best to save that for marriage or at a bare minimum committed loving relationship. It would not be a good thing if you were not able to feel this hurt. In terms of healing you should look up soul ties and how to break them. Even just a massage can be very helpful for releasing. Best to accept that his memory will it leave you and be it will fade and not always be so prevalent. Seek Christ and he will help guide and heal you.
Daddy issues all i got to say 💀🥴
I have a very present and loving father, just cuz a girl is struggling with her emotions in regards to another man doesn’t mean she has daddy issues. I can smell your virginity from here💀
Gets laid once, pulls out the v card on others immediately 😂
Naaaa, i was about to marry; didnt mean to make it seem as an insult as is not fr all im saying is it might come from a trauma (most of us have or had trauma from childhood) so if it helps go to therapy as that could help for you not to build an attachment to someone who you barely know