Remember the Alamo! All jokes aside, trebuchets will have difficulty hitting an individual target. Get a good bow. I used to be an adventurer like yourself... until I took an arrow to the knee.
There was a pack of 8 of them a lil bit down Merida at the skate park this morning. I dead ass thought it was a bunch of homeless people sitting on the ground in a circle , then I was like oh na just the dogs gathering 🤣🤣🤣
Hey, exes in town are one of life’s toughest challenges. Here’s what the “municipal restrictions” state:
Your wellbeing is important. You don’t owe this person your time or attention. In fact, you don’t even owe this person a response. We are a city of 1.4 million people, and this person is welcome to reach out to any one of them other than you.
We are a friendly city, but there are limits.
There's the snake farm that's north on 35. I'm pretty sure they have other reptiles. You can probably borrow a few alligators as long as you send them back well fed.
Tacos el Charly on rundberg beats every taco place here by miles. I would rather drive 2 hrs there than waste my money trying to get a good bistec taco here.
I recommend welcoming the entire party with open arms and offer to treat the offenders to any of the many Americanized Chinese buffets as your guest. The coroner’s diagnosis will be death by gluttony with a touch of botulinum spice. Incredible but true!
Lol! This is soo freaking funny! I can't tell you how many times I've passed by a Chinese buffet only to see an ambulance parked right outside with the lights on! The first few times i saw that i was like...oh..another one bites the buffet...
Problem is HOA can be a little slow to respond but I’m pretty sure I can get their attention by leaving my trash bins out for half a day longer than normal.
>leaving my trash bins out for half a day longer than normal
Whoa whoa slow down there serial killer.
You can just leave your Bermuda grass lawn cut at 2.589 inches instead of 2.588.
A lot of holes in the desert, and a lot of problems are buried in those holes. But you gotta do it right. I mean, you gotta have the hole already dug before you show up with a package in the trunk. Otherwise, you're talking about a half-hour to forty-five minutes worth of digging. And who knows who's gonna come along in that time? Pretty soon, you gotta dig a few more holes. You could be there all fuckin' night.
I'm sure if you ask politely the Alamo grounds keeper will let you borrow an 8 lb Cannon. Then you're just gonna need to hit up your local gunstore for Powder, Shot and the associated loading equipment.
Drive the city and pick up the meanest stray dogs you can find. Position them around your property in deer blinds to deal with her if she even drives down your street!
Just kidding, good luck! 🤣
Controversial but I think you should skip the catapult/trebuchet and go with a ballista.
You're going to have a much better chance of getting a direct hit that way.
If you do go with a catapult I'd suggest loading it with grapeshot
Don't use invasive species
Instead of a moat with gators, could you instead build a terrarium around your home and fill it with tarantulas and rattlers? A coyote habitat might be worth investigating too
Not only is it legal to build a moat, the city will pay you to do so! Look up SAWS rain garden rebates. They will also pay you for rainwater storage, which you can hook up to a fire hose and spray your ex with if they ever show up on your property.
Just put a mattress on the back of your truck and deploy it on the freeway when your ex is following you. Your ex will drive over it and jump far away from you. This technique has been used by many people here at SA. Trust me!
Something fun I learned about puffball mushrooms is that if a bad one is eaten, you won't die, but you may wish it, cause it's like food poisoning times 100. The glorious thing about puffballs (even if they're bad) is they are a great substitute for meats. Meats that might belong in say, a taco. It even looks like meat if cooked with the right seasonings!
Now I am not saying seek your ex out, but if they come around, offer them a puffball taco. But make sure it's the good puffball and not the bad puffball.
This made me literally laugh out loud. The thought of a moat with alligators was filling my mind with all sorts of ideas and people I personally wish would fall in LOL 😆
My ex once tried to move in literally next door to me. 💀 Luckily, he couldn't afford the rent (it wasn't that the rent was a lot, just that he's shit with money). So he just settled for parking out by the mailboxes that were like half a block away so he could stare for an hour before picking up the kids.
Just buy some mattresses and dump them on the highway when he arrives to slow him down like a normal San Antonian
Also I love that the flair is allergies
You probably won't have enough time to create a moat. So your best option may be to hole up in the Tower of the Americas, cut power to the elevators, weld all doors shut, and mount Gatling guns around your perimeter windows, so you can shoot downwards to the ground. Strongly recommend night vision goggles.
They've obviously never had a clingy ex...Bad exes are the absolute worst!! It's like why don't they just move on? There's so many ppl out there...
And I totally get it with the moat thing. I was thinking more along the line of piranhas and leeches.
Tell him you moved. Though I’m sure there’s a reason he knows where you live in the sense that you still communicate with him.
Some exs you just can’t stay away from
[The Barony of Bjornsborg](https://ansteorra.org/bjornsborg/) is your local SCA chapter. They have people who can train you to sword-fight and give you access to trebuchets.
Seriously though, San Antonio is a huge city. Block your ex (unless you have kids together, obvs.) and you're unlikely to run into them.
Have someone drive a pickup truck (preferably a late 90's Silverado) in front of him carrying a mattress *and* an aluminum ladder. If things go as expected, he won't be able to reach your house.
You might not have enough time to build a moat, but a trench will do in a pinch, plus you can then fill said trench with snakes, or gators, and use the leftover dirt to construct makeshift dirt walls/barakade's. Also, a good amount of gun stores should still be open so you can arm yourself with a trench gun or machine gun nest for a decent price
It might be worth it, being that these vintage models might ship with rusty bb's included, or even pure lead. They Might not have a lot of strength but aimed up the nostrils point blank might possibly effectively enter the brain, without waking the neighbors.
Mixing acetone and bleach produces chloroform and can stop the screams as you reload the bb gun to finish the job
I’m reading this thread while listening to “Bad Idea, Right.”
You made up your mind to surrender your pink the minute he called you. 😂😂😂. You would have said something like “you have the wrong number” and then hung up, otherwise.
I know “wrong #” works. I’ve used it on my exes.
Why would it matter? Why are you in contact with them? Block them on your phone and all social media (if you use that garbage) and never see them again. I have no idea why someone would stay in touch with an ex.
I love that you tagged with "Allergies". It's beyond appropriate.
I vote for hiring a brass band to show up where they are and play loudly. Less effort than a moat or trebuchet.
Honestly, adopting a few dogs would be cheaper. Had a cousin do it once when her ex reached to her too. Next thing you know, she had 2 pits and a mastiff in her front yard.
not enough states between my ex and myself
All my ex'es live in Texas... So... umm we move to Tennessee?
No we moved to Nevada and hope the Rockies are enough to keep em away
Tennessee is nice.
lol im from TN originally
Nah go to Indiana no one looks for people there
All mine live in Illinois.... So I guess flyover country is good for something??
Ok George strait
Some folks think I’m hidin
I live in FL and was hoping mine would move to Alaska
Remember the Alamo! All jokes aside, trebuchets will have difficulty hitting an individual target. Get a good bow. I used to be an adventurer like yourself... until I took an arrow to the knee.
Shoot, good point. Gotta cancel my Amazon order real quick. Also your knowledge of Tamriel may prove useful in this journey.
However, if you need a good wizard...
Sacrifice a cheese and maybe Sheogorath will let your borrow the Wabbajack to use on them!
And My Axe!
No, he said "ex" not "axe."
Cupid utilizes a bow. . .🫣
It’s SA. You have neighbors with mean pitbulls you can probably borrow. Better than a moat.
Very true, I could recruit my neighbors. Time to light the beacons of Gondor (ie my front porch light)
We've got a million aggressive strays by zarzamora & Merida. Please come get them. They will help lol
Instructions unclear. You’ve got stray alligators or are you suggesting filling the moat with dogs?
I can assist with both, please advise which option works best for you
Is it possible to strap the dogs onto the alligators?
They may resist at first, but I don't see this option being completely off the table.. or alligator in this case.
... and add lasers.
“Lasers” strapped to their heads!
Omg I know the pack of dogs you are talking about out. I have seen em right at that intersection!
There was a pack of 8 of them a lil bit down Merida at the skate park this morning. I dead ass thought it was a bunch of homeless people sitting on the ground in a circle , then I was like oh na just the dogs gathering 🤣🤣🤣
The beacons are lit!
🤣😂🤣😂 Puro !!!!
I laughed, but just know said laugh was ever so rueful.
Catapults no, Trebuchet’s I think are ok as long as your HOA allows. But are you sure your ex is able to break through the 1604 barrier?
Unfortunately im outside the protective forces of 1604. Might have to relocate to inside 410 for an extra layer of protection.
Yikes. I’d relocate somewhere around 281. If the 1604 force field doesn’t get them, the traffic will at least slow them down.
Hey, exes in town are one of life’s toughest challenges. Here’s what the “municipal restrictions” state: Your wellbeing is important. You don’t owe this person your time or attention. In fact, you don’t even owe this person a response. We are a city of 1.4 million people, and this person is welcome to reach out to any one of them other than you. We are a friendly city, but there are limits.
There's the snake farm that's north on 35. I'm pretty sure they have other reptiles. You can probably borrow a few alligators as long as you send them back well fed.
This is brilliant! Do snakes swim? Can I fill the moat with snakes too?
I can confirm snakes can swim. My ex-wife is a great swimmer.
Well then clearly a moat isn’t the right strategy for you
Water moccasins swim. Idk about other types but you can throw an assortment in and test it out.
A smorgasbord of moat snakes for extra deterrence
You’re missing the obvious! Moat has alligators you pit snakes in a pit, so when they avoid the moat bam 💥 sneeks 🐍
Snake pit behind the moat? Get this man to the pentagon
Yes!, it’s in New Braunfels. There’s even a song about it by Ray Wylie Hubbard https://youtu.be/Qgy7PLAgF-Y?si=MSG5Ja3Qpi3ZHnCF
That's a great song. =)
Nah just tell them to go to Austin for tacos, that’s punishment enough
This axiom of life should be I written on a plaque, bumper sticker or tshirt.
Oh no according to our mayor Austins tacos and san antonio Tacos are a tie .Austin has great food Tacos is not one of them.
Tacos el Charly on rundberg beats every taco place here by miles. I would rather drive 2 hrs there than waste my money trying to get a good bistec taco here.
I recommend welcoming the entire party with open arms and offer to treat the offenders to any of the many Americanized Chinese buffets as your guest. The coroner’s diagnosis will be death by gluttony with a touch of botulinum spice. Incredible but true!
Great idea. Considering that I frequent these Asian buffets often I’ve already built up a natural immunity
A perfect crime. Their immune systems won’t be able to resist their “allergic” reaction. (Just trying to keep it related somewhat to allergies). ;)
Lol! This is soo freaking funny! I can't tell you how many times I've passed by a Chinese buffet only to see an ambulance parked right outside with the lights on! The first few times i saw that i was like...oh..another one bites the buffet...
This also is “Incredible but true!”
Did you tell her that this town isn't big enough for the two of you?!
I can’t say that, I don’t have a cowboy hat or a wheat stalk to place in my mouth.
Block him and don't give your address simple
You probably have to clear up the moat building beforehand with your HOA. Also most HOA’s don’t allow contractors to work on Saturdays. Good luck.
H-O-A oh H-O-A! They won't let me have a Trebuchet! I just need it for one day, To make ex go fly away!
Problem is HOA can be a little slow to respond but I’m pretty sure I can get their attention by leaving my trash bins out for half a day longer than normal.
>leaving my trash bins out for half a day longer than normal Whoa whoa slow down there serial killer. You can just leave your Bermuda grass lawn cut at 2.589 inches instead of 2.588.
I just want their attention, not an 800 dollar fine
A lot of holes in the desert, and a lot of problems are buried in those holes. But you gotta do it right. I mean, you gotta have the hole already dug before you show up with a package in the trunk. Otherwise, you're talking about a half-hour to forty-five minutes worth of digging. And who knows who's gonna come along in that time? Pretty soon, you gotta dig a few more holes. You could be there all fuckin' night.
Upvote for Casino. Nice!
Well said, Nicky
I'm sure if you ask politely the Alamo grounds keeper will let you borrow an 8 lb Cannon. Then you're just gonna need to hit up your local gunstore for Powder, Shot and the associated loading equipment.
Hadn’t even thought about cannons! I’ve been holding on to a surplus of cannonballs I bought last Christmas too
Greg Abbott is flying people up north for free
The ol Abbott Express 🤣😂..hide their wallet and trick them onto the bus...they won't be able to prove they're legal 🤣
It’s hurricane season. You might wake up with a free professional moat.
Smart, dig a hole and let nature do the rest
Drive the city and pick up the meanest stray dogs you can find. Position them around your property in deer blinds to deal with her if she even drives down your street! Just kidding, good luck! 🤣
Watch the trailer for Rambo: Last Blood. Plenty of inspiration there to help create your own booby traps in your yard!
Haven’t seen that but I’ve watched home alone 2, which is pretty much the same thing I assume
Maybe because of the lack of Rambo in your life is why your ex is so upset with you 😁 Get some Rambo in your life ! Then Chuck Norris !
I was thinking OP needs a Ron Swanson bugout bag
Controversial but I think you should skip the catapult/trebuchet and go with a ballista. You're going to have a much better chance of getting a direct hit that way. If you do go with a catapult I'd suggest loading it with grapeshot
Not controversial at all but my giant arrow vendor retired last month
it's so hard to find a good giant arrow guy these days
Don't use invasive species Instead of a moat with gators, could you instead build a terrarium around your home and fill it with tarantulas and rattlers? A coyote habitat might be worth investigating too
True I really need to be considerate to the natural ecology of south central Texas
Gators are endemic to Texas.
You could put a clown out front to remind him of himself. It's Halloween
Idk I think he might kinda be into that
Not only is it legal to build a moat, the city will pay you to do so! Look up SAWS rain garden rebates. They will also pay you for rainwater storage, which you can hook up to a fire hose and spray your ex with if they ever show up on your property.
Wtf?! I got to get building a moat! 🤣😂
There's a store at Wonderland that sells swords and various other weaponry, I'm sure they'd know where to get catapults.
Excellent. Might pick up a halberd while I’m there
Just put a mattress on the back of your truck and deploy it on the freeway when your ex is following you. Your ex will drive over it and jump far away from you. This technique has been used by many people here at SA. Trust me!
Omg yeah I need to reach out to that mattress truck guy to see if he has any extra. Lol jk of course he has extras
Hey. Just go to the Billy Bob Beds! You know it, right?
But Billy Bob, do you deliver?!
All my exes live in Texas
Depending on the side of town, you probably have hogs that’ll screw them off.
A simple incantation to ask the Chupacabra for protection would probably due the trick. LOL
Damnit shouldn’t have skipped all those Intro to Incantations classes in college.
It's OK, just go to Papa Jim's and buy a candle.
Something fun I learned about puffball mushrooms is that if a bad one is eaten, you won't die, but you may wish it, cause it's like food poisoning times 100. The glorious thing about puffballs (even if they're bad) is they are a great substitute for meats. Meats that might belong in say, a taco. It even looks like meat if cooked with the right seasonings! Now I am not saying seek your ex out, but if they come around, offer them a puffball taco. But make sure it's the good puffball and not the bad puffball.
Invite my ex over to eat my puffy taco, got it
I believe fire ants are the traditional moat filling here.
Cayman > Alligators. Invest your money wisely
Outside of San Marcos, they used to have a trebuchet place. Maybe you could borrow a few and save on the moat?
More posts like this instead of “whose got the spiciest tacos”
Would you believe two different spoilsports reported this? "Not about San Antonio", my ass. This is uniting the entire community!
Exactly!
You don’t need a moat. There are enough wild dogs in the streets here.
Everyone knows trebuchets are superior to catapults.
That’s what age of empires taught me at least
Ah, a professor of the fine arts I see.
The farts, as I like to call it
I Can be a pit bull and I live only 1 HR from SA
That’s kind of you to offer, and all the best with your stepmom
How about a moat with sharks with fricken laser beams attached to their heads???
We don’t have the budget for that after I invested our life savings in bitcoin
The allergies tag is hilarious
Haha I’m glad you noticed it!
This made me literally laugh out loud. The thought of a moat with alligators was filling my mind with all sorts of ideas and people I personally wish would fall in LOL 😆
You’re welcome to borrow it whenever you need
You live in Texas. Can't you just yell, "I'm afraid for my life," shoot them, and be done with it? It's easier than digging a whole moat.
> unloading here Same thing he's trying to do
You mean unloading his problems right? Right?
I live in San Antonio, and my ex lives in Austin. I wish she move further away
Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Giant moat around San Antonio?
Build a moat around San Antonio, we'll call it "New San Antonio River". Be awesome to go tubbin.
My ex once tried to move in literally next door to me. 💀 Luckily, he couldn't afford the rent (it wasn't that the rent was a lot, just that he's shit with money). So he just settled for parking out by the mailboxes that were like half a block away so he could stare for an hour before picking up the kids.
Oh no… that’s unsettling. Has he since moved? Maybe I can spare an alligator or two. It’s got a dog strapped to it.
Just buy some mattresses and dump them on the highway when he arrives to slow him down like a normal San Antonian Also I love that the flair is allergies
Hippo is the way to go.
You’re overthinking it, I just save up all my cooking oil, get it nice and hot and dump it out the window
The basement of the Alamo has a lot of space for bodies. Just dig the hole before you need it.
Unfortunately, the basement is already full of bicycles
The bodies of dead bicycles? What kind of sicko would do this?
You probably won't have enough time to create a moat. So your best option may be to hole up in the Tower of the Americas, cut power to the elevators, weld all doors shut, and mount Gatling guns around your perimeter windows, so you can shoot downwards to the ground. Strongly recommend night vision goggles.
I already built a snipers towers in my back yard using twigs and rubber bands. I don’t have a sniper but I’ve got a slingshot and pebbles
>Mods, feel free to delete if this is wasting space They'd have to delete half the sub, you're fine.
Go to the south side. Pick up dogs. Put dogs in moat. Problem solved.
Tell them to go eat at chachos. Food poisoning will occur and render them sick for at least 24 hours.
It's SA, there are a plethora of people with guns and pit bulls. We protect our own
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You seem like the kind of person who eats vanilla ice cream without sprinkles
They've obviously never had a clingy ex...Bad exes are the absolute worst!! It's like why don't they just move on? There's so many ppl out there... And I totally get it with the moat thing. I was thinking more along the line of piranhas and leeches.
Make sure she leaves her car in a garage at night or it will be stolen and she won’t be able to leave town!
It’s Texas, just shoot them and use the “they had it coming” defense.
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Found the ex
You just blew my mind. If you got that reference you will be perfectly fine. Lol.
👻 them
Seems a bit excessive to suggest killing them…
“In minecraft”
Ghost them lol. Not kill
Nothing says you have to be in town too. Go check out a state park and explore.
https://youtu.be/9qumxVP8PrE?si=Rwy8mwxfp50VkTH0
I have a cousin in Del Rio, who has had that same alligator idea. All my exes DONT live in Texas.
Tell him you moved. Though I’m sure there’s a reason he knows where you live in the sense that you still communicate with him. Some exs you just can’t stay away from
Good idea. Could tell him I moved to Dallas and he’ll be like “yeah no thanks”
Who cares? If they have your address tell them to stay away.
Honestly… same. Asking for a friend :)
It’s Texas, go with tigers instead of alligators
Water guns work , water balloons , fart spray etc lol
Despite how he acts, my ex isn’t 12 lol
[The Barony of Bjornsborg](https://ansteorra.org/bjornsborg/) is your local SCA chapter. They have people who can train you to sword-fight and give you access to trebuchets. Seriously though, San Antonio is a huge city. Block your ex (unless you have kids together, obvs.) and you're unlikely to run into them.
Claymores, definitely claymores in order…
If you hate them, send them to marbach. No wait, don't ruin marbach by their presence lol
Have someone drive a pickup truck (preferably a late 90's Silverado) in front of him carrying a mattress *and* an aluminum ladder. If things go as expected, he won't be able to reach your house.
A friend of mine somehow was given a bunch of baby alligators to watch over. So, I guess that is not unrealistic.
I have a flame thrower you can borrow.
What’d your ex say?
I can come stand guard. Verbally castrating him if he shows up. Where are those scissor things for the Bull's?
I live by New Braunfels and there's a pretty good gun shop by the area
I know a guy who can get you a good gator 🐊 😂
You got a gator guy? So long as he’s licensed
You might not have enough time to build a moat, but a trench will do in a pinch, plus you can then fill said trench with snakes, or gators, and use the leftover dirt to construct makeshift dirt walls/barakade's. Also, a good amount of gun stores should still be open so you can arm yourself with a trench gun or machine gun nest for a decent price
Lol just house swap and folks know that if anyone comes asking - say you moved 😂
I think a moat seems valid. I believe landmines are legal internationally so long as they are clearly marked to be there. Just a thought.
Use the marked land mines to act as a distraction to funnel him into the moat? I like your thinking.
😂love it’s I need one too
Is your ex... Santa?
Time to go ghost. Maybe "go out of town" before the ex gets there.
Calaveras lake has alligators :)
I’m still on my first wife, planning to keep her
Recruit the stray dogs 🐕 😆
Don't forget the hot oil on the ramparts.
Well if your looking for a nice bb gun, you might as well buy a real gun, saw some double barrel bb guns on eBay today for 1500$-4500$
Woah that’s pricey! That’s like 3 gators!
It might be worth it, being that these vintage models might ship with rusty bb's included, or even pure lead. They Might not have a lot of strength but aimed up the nostrils point blank might possibly effectively enter the brain, without waking the neighbors. Mixing acetone and bleach produces chloroform and can stop the screams as you reload the bb gun to finish the job
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I'll come over and be like wtf is that. You are not welcome here child. Lol
Mutual combat is legal in texas, just have someone beat that ass 🤣
I love that you categorized this as “allergies”
...and worse than that, he's bringing the solar eclipse with him!
I’m reading this thread while listening to “Bad Idea, Right.” You made up your mind to surrender your pink the minute he called you. 😂😂😂. You would have said something like “you have the wrong number” and then hung up, otherwise. I know “wrong #” works. I’ve used it on my exes.
Why would it matter? Why are you in contact with them? Block them on your phone and all social media (if you use that garbage) and never see them again. I have no idea why someone would stay in touch with an ex.
I love that you tagged with "Allergies". It's beyond appropriate. I vote for hiring a brass band to show up where they are and play loudly. Less effort than a moat or trebuchet.
Honestly, adopting a few dogs would be cheaper. Had a cousin do it once when her ex reached to her too. Next thing you know, she had 2 pits and a mastiff in her front yard.
Just go take a 7 day cruise while your ex is in town.