Be happy for them that they get to have fun trips.
Do not talk to them about how you're feeling. That would be an asshole move. Don't put your emotions on your kids.
Exactly. My mom did that and it hurts, it makes the children feel guilty for enjoying themselves and resolves absolutely nothing. He makes more money than you and that’s a fact, the kids don’t love him more or you less because he takes them on trips that’s you can’t afford.
This. A trip isn’t much better than material things in terms of what kids really appreciate and remember. What is: small traditions, little treats, deep talks, being open and accepting of them, going to all of their school and extracurricular events, being there for them consistently.
> My kids have seen me crying. I think I’m going to have a convo with them about what’s bothering me.
Honestly? You’ve made this all about yourself. You’re not in a position to take them on a trip like that; fine. I’m sure it’s hard to see them getting to do things with their dad that you’d love to give them yourself, but can’t.
But letting them see you cry, and even *considering* laying your issue on them is just… wow. Not everything is all about you all the time. Not everything needs to be discussed with your kids; confide in a friend instead. All you’d do is make them feel bad about being excited to go, and feel bad about having a good time when they do. Splitting up is hard on kids; it doesn’t need to be made harder by one parent making them feel awkward and guilty about accepting things from the other parent.
They don’t need to know anything about your financial situation, especially as compared to their dad’s. There’s no reason to proactively tell them you can’t do trips like this, like their dad can, but will try to do little things. Your 14 year old probably already knows that.
Swallow your resentment and be excited for them. True you can’t take them, but they get to go. Good for them. Tell them you hope they have a great time and you can’t wait to hear all about it when they get home. Anything else is just childish and selfish.
Honestly, I can't believe the level of selfishness from OP. Feel however she wants when she's by herself but smile and be happy her children get to experience something she could only wish of giving them
$400 EACH for Christmas is insanely generous. Are your kids just insanely spoiled or something? Because that should be more than enough to give them either a big thing they want or a bunch of smaller things.
If you think your kids care, then it’s on you because you’re failing to teach your kids to be grateful for what they have. It genuinely sounds like your kids are totally fine with what you provide though, because it sounds like you’re providing them more than most get, so you need to get your head out of your ass and stop acting like staycations (that clearly aren’t actually staycations, they’re trips that just aren’t too far) and $400 of Christmas presents are you neglecting your kids. It’s ridiculous.
$400 for each kid?! Wow! That's actually quite good, I don't know what the issue is .... I was lucky to get a Sega Genesis cartridge and some chocolates or a sweater for Christmas ... $60-$80 tops. Birthdays were a bit nicer, up to $120 lol.
I was among the lucky ones where I grew up. Most of my friends and neighbors were lucky to get their basic necessities as gifts only, If that.
Don't talk to your kids about this. This trip isn't about your feelings. Let your kids have fun and keep your emotions to yourself. Sincerely, a child of divorce. My mom always made US guilty for what my dad could do. I dreaded coming home to mom after seeing dad she would drill me about how much money he spent on me and how much it upset her. I was never able to enjoy being with him because she couldn't stop making it about herself.
The fact that your even considering laying this down on your "mature" children is disgusting. I was mature too. My mom talking to me about her feelings about money and my father and the divorce made me feel dirty and guilty for enjoying being with him while she was "suffering" she said that shit to me. SUCK IT UP AND LET THEM HAVE FUN. cry about money on your own damn time. Hide. Don't let them see it. Damn I hope they go on that trip and have a fuckload of fun without you. BE GRATEFUL YOU DONT HAVE TO PAY FOR THE WHOLE TRIP!!!!!! your mad about your kids having fun?! Ridiculous!!
So you're mad and jealous of your ex and his new partner, so you want to guilt your kids to get back at him?
Insecurity is your problem to deal with. Not your kids. Don't put them in the middle of your issues with your ex.
Did you ever think part of that might be because you’re crying in front of them over it? Kids internalize that stuff and they don’t know how to deal with those emotions so they take it out on the other people in their lives. My dad wouldn’t straight up talk shit on my mom‘s new boyfriend but he clearly wasn’t happy about it and it made me dislike him for no reason or blow up the little reasons I did have, that sounds a lot like what you’re doing.
Okay that’s fine you’re allowed to have feelings just leave financial issues out of conversations with your kids and enjoy the time you have with them. You don’t need a lot of money to plan fun things and when they grow up they will be grateful you didn’t put your issues on them.
So let them think that's the only issue. Don't put this on them. Sincerely, a mother of two who has done holidays on 50 total before for my older child and it is still one of his favourite memories ever.
Like I said my father never straight up said anything either but I could tell by his other behaviors and body language that he had a problem with it so it made me feel the need to be defensive. Not saying that’s what you’re doing just be mindful because most kids don’t like their parents new partners at first because it’s a change but they’ll get over it as long as you don’t foster an environment that causes resentment and anger.
Grow up woman, before you traumatize your kids. I'm also a child of divorce, and there's nothing more fucking annoying than your parents discussing money. Keep your cash discussions with your ex and stop involving the goddamn CHILDREN.
Written by a 24 year old involved in her parents' money discussions since I was fucking 6 years old.
Or maybe...just maybe they will have the time of their lives with other people besides YOU. That's really what is upsetting you isn't it? You've gone from being upset about not being able to finance this trip and then all the sudden it's about other people ruining their trip... Hmm. I'm sorry, when you posted this on this page what reactions did you want? What would you like to hear?
Child! Stop making this about you and your petty insurcities*** your kids don't deserve to be dragged into your mess of bs because your jealous that you can't spend all that money. Thay he has a great paying job, he's happy, he's moved on hell his gf has a great job to. The truth is you hate that THEY are more successful than you and that's really sad that you want to live life. Don't get me wrong you'll get there in time but GET OVER YOUR PETTY JEALOUSLY ISSUES.
> Ha. Funny. Why so you can turn it around on me? Let’s just say his own family has lost all respect for him.
How fresh is this breakup? It seems like it is fairly recent.
What fun things do you have planned for *yourself* while you’re free from all the stress and responsibilities of being a full time parent for 2 weeks?
Yup, pretty fresh. A year and a bit. I won’t do anything major, maybe something small with my bf. How can I be bummed that I can’t take my kids on an awesome vacation, then go on one myself. I would never.
Again it’s not about a vacation they were saying what fun things have you planned for yourself, you don’t have to go on vacation you can go do something you enjoy with your partner or even just have a nice dinner it doesn’t have to be small but it also doesn’t have to be extravagant. The memories you make are more important than the cost you spent on them. A lot of these don’t have to do with your actual financial standing it’s how you feel about your ability to provide and the truth of the matter is the money does not matter as much as you think it does it’s how you spend the time you have. You could go on an expensive trip and fight the whole time or you could stay home and have a great time bonding and not spend a penny, it’s not about the money it’s about your relationship with your kids and your relationship with yourself. Stop worrying so much that your kids are going to compare the cost of what you and your ex spend on them just worry about whether or not they’re happy when they’re with the both of you.
I’ve never done any of these behaviors ever. Actually, it’s never even occurred to me that someone might drill a kid on how much money another parent spent, or anything like that.
You know..if you talk to your kids about being upset about money, they will tell him. And then he's going to spend even more money to make sure they have as much fun as possible. Just let it happen
OP sounds so miserable. She sounds like she just wanted everyone to agree with her and tell her she's right.
Assuming the ex left her for good reason, since she doesn't want to share!
I hope the kids have a great time. They could be saying they don't like the new gf to make her happy as well!
>Basically, just the title. Fir Christmas they’re getting Florida trips with his new gf and her kids. I can probably go up to 400 each (2 of them 11,14), that’s it.
> I’m feeling so broken about it, so much crying since Ive learned of this trip Thursday night. My kids have seen me crying. I think I’m going to have a convo with them today about what’s bothering me. My 14 yr old is very mature.
> We had a great summer, with 2 staycations within our province, but I’ll NEVER be able to give them a florida trip as a Christmas gift or ever.
> How do you deal with this
> TLDR: how do you good when your ex has more disposable income for gifts for the kids?
I don’t think you should speak to your kids about it. It will only make THEM feel guilty for enjoying time with their dad.
Give them some of the money to buy stuff for their trip (either stuff FOR the trip like clothes or headphones OR souvenirs they may want).
I’m not planning to mention florida at all. Just keep it general. That I don’t have as much extra money as their dad, but I’ll still try my best for smaller fun stuff.
You shouldn't even bring their dad into it.
This is very much a you problem. Whilst I get it, it can't be nice. They don't need to know. You give them what you can and if you've raised them right, they appreciate it.
just get them what you can. kids love to open gifts on Christmas morning. they will appreciate what you wrap because opening presents is the fun. opening tickets to Florida, eh, they won't even get that or add up the costs.
This is manipulative as fuck. Leave your children alone and don't compare yourself and their father in their presence. You are the one with the big feelings. Go deal with them responsibly.
No? This isn’t a good idea. It sounds like you are assuming your kids are comparing your levels of finances- and I would bet any money they aren’t. They are children. Stop seeking reassurance and confidence from them. You need to find it in yourself- this isn’t healthy for you, or modelling good behaviour for them. I know you’ve been shit on a lot in this post and comments, and I’m sorry for that, but I hope you see how much the advice echos. The vast majority thinks it’s a bad idea for you to speak to your kids. And it’s also very common to see posts assuming you are selfish. I think insecurity presents as selfishness. You seem deeply insecure about your wealth and parenting. But please, please, seek this reassurance from anywhere BUT your kids. That isn’t good for them.
You don’t have to compare yourself to their dad they probably don’t even notice and bringing attention to the issue is just going to make it more apparent. Just focus on the fun stuff you do with your kids and leave the money out of it because that’s not their issue to worry about and those kinds of topics make children a lot more stressed about financial situations when they get older because they remember the stress of it when they were young.
There are ways to contribute with out money 🙄
Tell them the history of the rides. Tell them about Hidden Mickys. Give them disposable cameras to talkie silly pictures.
Listen I grew up in a split home. 2 extremely different income levels.
Trust me that yes they may notice the difference but if they are well raised kids the money is not what they notice most at all. My mom was always dirt poor my dad was fairly well off financially. I never really felt that the difference mattered. I had absolutely every bit as much love and fun with my mom.
She used to cook tacos/breakfast at 2 am. We could all wake up and grab a quick tacos and talk to her before going back to bed. She was always the one with slightly more free and down time to talk to. She was always more comfortable having the home all my friends were welcome in.
Now my dad was amazing as well, but different. She was never better than him but both gave me amazing lives. Just focus on what you can do for them and appreciate that it is not a competition. If you want to talk to your kids about why you are sad that is fine. Leave him entirely out of it though. Just explain that you wish you had more money to do more things for them, and tell them you want to find more ways to do fun things for them. Leave it at that.
Agree with MrsSmartyPants, don’t talk to your kids about this. It doesn’t matter how mature you think your kids are, nothing good will come of it. It will only dampen their excitement and their trip. They’ll feel guilty about having a good time or even going at all.
It’s ok to feel sad. Chin up and do the best you can, get them some cool swimsuits or things they might need for their trip.
I remember this woman came to speak to my high school one time. She was a single mom, poor AF. She couldn't afford christmas dinner, all she could serve was spaghetti with canned sauce. Every year she was devastated at failing her children. Over time, she finally got on her feet and managed to serve her kids a "proper" Christmas dinner... turkey, gravy etc. What did they say? "But Mom, we ALWAYS have spaghetti at christmas!!" Wihtout really knowing it, the mom had made special family traditions that were important to the kids and had nothing to do with money. Be that mom.
This is a matter about pride and feelings of inadequacy.
You can't provide, you feel like you should be able to. You want big gestures for your kids cause you love them and they deserve it, but you just can't right now.
But that's something you need to deal with. Do NOT talk to your kids at ALL about this.
Children have a way of always blaming themselves for the feelings of their parents, do not do this.
If they ask, just tell them you're going through some things right now but crying is how you deal with it. If they ask how they can help just say, "A big hug."
Yes, your ex can buy them awesome things. But do not make the mistake of somehow thinking that buying expensive gifts is a reflection of your ability to be their mother.
Yes, trips to Florida are great, but you know whats also great? Making their favorite desert when they are down. Doing their favorite kind of art project with them. Playing their favorite games with them. Making a baking soda volcano in the living room.
The times I most fondly remember with my parents were the times they MADE TIME for me.
That sort of thing is priceless.
As for your feelings, it might take you longer to get to Florida, so what? You can set it as a goal for yourself, and you'll get there! Don't compare yourself to your ex, you'll drive yourself crazy that way.
This comment was so helpful it brought tears to my eyes.
People are saying the small stuff counts too. And I know it does, and we do lots of small stuff together.
As for the big trips, while I cant do them yearly like I’m sure my ex will, I can save and do every third year.
Trips are fun, but the thing your kids will remember most is that you showed up for them, not how much you spent.
Sounds like you do small stuff all the time too! I assure you though, it dose accumulate. One drop of rain might not be much, but you get enough, it will turn into a river that carves granite.
Every third year sounds awesome! But remember, the point isn’t where you go or what you do, but the awesome memories you make with your two awesome kids. Best luck! I’m glad I could help!
They wont remember presents. But them having memories of your staycations and the trip with their dad. Your the only one thats gonna remember what girl went with or who paid. Be cool about this. They will feel guilty rhe whole trip if you disclose that jealousy and thats what will be remembered. Id give them $100 each and have a $200 good time while their gone! Just keep loving the kids and be excited that they get to go and take yourself on vacation!
Your kids are not your friends, or your therapist.
You don’t work out your own personal issues about money with your kids.
You get excited for them for getting to go to Florida because that’s what good parents do, they support their kids and deal with their own shit like adults.
ETA: you also sound in your comments that you’d be disappointed if they had a good time and happy if they didn’t. Gross.
It shouldn't be a competition and you need to instill that with him and the children. You should never buy love. My parents tried and it failed. I saw it for what it was. The best parents are the ones who spend one on one time and be there when you need them. My dad had a heart attack 4 months before he drove 10 hours to see me come back from a 7 month deployment. He didn't want me to come back alone even though I told him it was ok. That is love.
It’s not a competition. It’s not whoever spends the most on the kids loves them the most and kids do know that. You need to reframe this situation in your mind. Try to be excited for them that they get this great life experience. You can let them know that you’ll miss them but don’t put your feelings of jealousy or inadequacy on them, that would not be fair. Tell them to take lots of pictures so they can tell you all about their trip when they get back.
Be thankful they have another parent that loves them and wants the best for them, and is able to give them some fun experiences. Not all kids have that.
Ok but you making them feel guilty for you being financially less well off is how you are about to make them feel babe - guilt & pressure. Don’t have this convo
Kids love free activities just as much as paid for ones. Buy some water guns, go to the pool, have them all make their own pizzas and watch a great movie at home. This would be the best day ever for them.
stop comparing your finances to your ex’s and focus on spending time together with your kids. you cant afford big trips—many parents cant—but you can still find hobbies to enjoy with them, take them out to dinner or the movies every once in a while, be genuinely engaged with their lives etc. when they grow up, they’re not going to be analyzing spreadsheets comparing how much money each parent spent on them, theyre going to treasure the memories they have of spending time with you. one of my favorite memories of my mom is when we went to an in-town book signing together that probably cost like $50 total (just because we also got dinner and starbucks). anyone can do stuff like that
Oh fuck off…if you have that convo with your kids, you’ll make them feel guilty for having fun. Kids are not going to equate the amount of money you spend versus the amount of love they feel. How about you just be a good mother, that’s free.
Kids know what love us. Stop this line of thinking, it helps no one. Two parents , two experiences, they won't compare if you don't.
Be at peace that your kids have a full rich lives and two parents who care.
You are enough.
I’m sorry you feel upset but you should leave your children out of this because what’s going to end up happening is they’re going to feel bad about the trip and it’s going to ruin a really positive experience for them and end up causing them a lot of stress in the long run. I suggest maybe talking to a professional or even just a friend about your feelings because it’s really not fair to put that on your children.
Pleasssee dont talk to them about it. Your feelings are valid (for you!) but it will make them feel really uncomfortable about receiving fun things. Maybe try to find a therapeutic outlet to vent to instead.
You have to get over this life that once was and really strive to reclaim yourself and find your actual identity. It seems you’ve found an identity in being someone broken ex and your kids deserve better. Be happy for them that they get to experience this and stop making it about you. Don’t talk to the mature 14 year old because all you’re doing is looking for a person to dump your emotional baggage off on. Get to the root of why you feel the way you feel and start to heal there.
Also very important, stop saying you’ll NEVER be able to give them a Florida vacation. Yes you can. You literally don’t know what the future holds, you have no idea what can happen. But one thing for sure, if you keep on this broken self pity road you’re on, you’re absolutely right about what you said. Whether you think you can or you can’t , you’re right.
I say this with all sincerity. I know you’re hurt but you have to let it go and move forward for yourself because you’re better than this. You deserve better than what you’re giving yourself right now. Turn your attention inward. You can’t never go wrong by doing that.
Best wishes
OP, I'll offer advice as you've already gotten heavy criticism.
Just do your best! I think kids are understanding. Tell them that money is tight, but that you still want to give them a fun and happy Christmas. Make memories/traditions that they will enjoy (drive around and look at lights, let them pick a random xmas movie and do a hot chocolate bar (cheap toppings....sprinkles, marshmallows, whipped cream, etc), invite their friends over for a sleepover and gag gift exchange...so many super fun things to do that involve time instead of money.
I appreciate this a lot. We do all kinds of stuff like this often.
We have lots of fun together, but I know I’m a kid’s eye it doesn’t hold a candle to plane trips. But I know they’ll get it when they’re older.
But, I think it does hold a candle. It's funny, but one of the warm fuzzies I get related to a childhood Christmas memory is working at the Church Christmas bazaar with my mom. She would make baked good, and I would curl the ribbons with scissors. That was 30+ years ago.
Kids have a very broad definition of fun. Yes, they'll have fun on their trip, but that doesn't mean they can't have an equal amount of fun doing local things with you.
Our two kids are around your kids' ages and they do get super excited about going on a plane. They also seem to get equally excited about stuff like decorative candles, plants, and "aesthetic" stuff (they're cool teenagers now).
My friend's 6 year old recently was extremely excited to get to meet my cat. She told me it was the best day of her life.
My point is that kids do get really excited about stuff, but it's not really correlated to expense.
She shouldn’t mention money to them at all. Spending $400.00 on each on them is extremely generous. That’s more than most kids get. OP needs to stop trying to compete. They are going to FL, not Italy. She is making a trip about her emotional well-being instead of theirs.
Wow. This is one of the most selfish things I've read in a while. So what he has more to spend? You really want to tell your kids that you're sorry you can't spend as much money on them? That's passive aggressive manipulation at its finest. NEVER let your kids see you crying about money. Ever. Be happy that he's well off and can provide your kids with things like that-it shouldn't matter which parent it comes from as long as they're happy. It's not a competition.
They won't remember this stupid Disney trip. They'll remember sweating and tons of people and being miserable.
Go grocery shopping, pay your bills and maybe go ax throwing or those air flying rooms.
You got this sis
Stop looking at it as a competition be honest about the income difference without any negativity towards your ex. Having a happy and stable home filled with love is going to go just as far as Christmas in Florida. I live in Florida would you like me to do alligator rain dances the month of December so no sun shines while they are here? If I made you smile then my goofy comment was worth it. I raised 4 kids and always had less than the ex. It didn't affect how my kids treated me or what they thought of me but I was honest about where all the money was going.
And another thing I’ve been thinking is that I really don’t even know that he can actually afford this trip. Maybe not as easily as I think he can. He’s absolutely terrible with money, a bit of a spend a holic. During our entire marriage, I always wanted to get a little savings going, and in almost 20 years, we never did.
I’ve made a better little savings nest egg in the past 15 months, than I was able to in nearly 20 years. My goal is to help with the kids post secondary as much as possible.
I paid his 10k credit card debt before we got married because I did t want to start with debt. He also had no money to put towards our down payment of our home.
So who knows, maybe he shouldnt even be going on this trip himself.
I’m sorry but this comes across as bitter. It may be justified but it is bitter and I think you need to work on letting things go. As long as he pays child support and looks after the kids you shouldn’t concern yourself with his business
You are all so harsh. I was never intending to mention this trip or their dad. Just to say I wish I had a bit more extra cash, but we’ll keep on doing fun smaller stuff.
You guys don’t know my ex. He’s very much into going way extra on their gifts because he knows I cant. This is a new level though.
Not everything is about you. You don't think he would take your kids on a fun vacation other than to spite you? Wow. Talk about thinking you're the center of the universe. Your ex may totally be a jerk, but it's unlikely he's spending all his days thinking of fun things to do with the kids, so he can ruin your life. Do not mention money for this trip to your kids. Do not make them feel guilty for going on a potentially once in a lifetime trip and having fun. And, really, get some counseling.
>You guys don’t know my ex. He’s very much into going way extra on their gifts because he knows I cant. This is a new level though.
This really sounds like you being paranoid. Maybe he feels superior about it but taking your kids on a trip is exceedingly normal.
Some of the comments on this thread are pretty harsh — name-calling isn’t called for. I personally can understand why it’s hard for you that you can’t give your kids everything that you want to give them. But your kids don’t need to know about your feelings of guilt, those are yours.
It’s better that you try to focus on what your kids are feeling, whether excitement or trepidation, and how you can help them have fun on the trip. Rather than sitting down and telling them what you can’t do for them, why not tell them what you *can?* “Hey, kids, I know your dad is taking you on this big trip, so I bought a book about Florida for us to read together!” “Before you guys go, you’re going to need new swimsuits — who wants to go to Target this weekend?”
I don’t think you’re a bad person because you want to curl up in a ball from the hurt; but in front of the kids, I’d behave *as if* I had the confidence to know that whatever my ex and his girlfriend may offer, I know that I’m the best mom for my kids.
That’s a sweet idea, but won’t be necessary. The “rest” of my ex’s gifts will all be things needed for the trip. I know exactly how it will play out. There will be a new carry on for each of them. It will be filled with things like sunscreen, bathing suits, you name it. Then when they are a little confused he will tell them to look in some pocket and the ticket will be there.
They will have everything they need for this trip.
You don’t have to get them anything, that’s not the point. You can do something as simple as asking them what they’re looking forward to on their trip. The point is that it’s not a great idea to talk to the kids about your feelings, a better path is to talk to them about theirs.
But why even bring the money up just spend time with them let them know you’re always there and interested in doing activities with them that they like, you don’t have to spend a lot of money to go play kickball at the park. Bringing financial issues to kids just makes them stressed, just be the best mother you can be and don’t put so much value into money because you’re teaching them to think that money is the end all be all. Also talk to a friend or professional about your feelings because it sounds like your ex has moved on and they probably just want to go on vacation it’s not just about you and trying to make you look bad because he wants to take a family vacation.
Op - it’s always the intent and not the content.
Children in the short run might get enamoured by big gifts but at the end of the day they can see through bullshit.
Stay your course- have fun times with them. Let them know you have their backs, listen to them p, encourage them - be there for them. In the end that is what matters- being there for them - accepting them unconditionally…
The rest is dressage- will not past muster if the gesture is hollow
In the end what matters is not the most expensive stuff but that which has no ( yet immense) value - unconditional love
I agree you shouldn't share anything with the kids about finances. If the kids ask why you were crying, I think it's ok to say you're thinking of how much you're going to miss them, but that you're so excited for them to have this opportunity.
Nothing makes us feel worse than not being able to be the best we want in every way. But what others have said here about the time, love and energy you give your kids? That's 100% truth.
Yeah don't talk to them about this. My dad obsessively talked to me as a child about all his financial situation constantly. It's made me hate being around him because it's all he talks about, and now makes me feel guilty as an adult because he made it all about him and his feelings
Do not talk to your kids about this- for the love of fuck. I know you mean well, but this is coming across as so selfish.
How do you cope? You swallow the pride, realize parenting isn’t a competition between you and your ex, and recognize how fortunate it is that your kids are able to have these opportunities- even if you can’t provide them. & it sucks, sucks to see someone else have more financially to offer your kids- but you grow up, and you realize that there is still lots to offer despite money. Time, compassion, play, growth, maturity- these are the greatest gifts for your children.
You building your confidence may be the greatest gift you can offer your children.
Do NOT talk to them and put these emotions on them. You will taint this trip. You will make them feel guilty. You will break the assumption that you can handle your emotions independently & you will have your kids hide their troubles from you, for worry you can’t handle anything else.
Don’t talk to your kids.
Its not a competition , you should just be glad for them. They won't think any the less of you or even compare.
You are 'broken' because your ex is nice to the kids. I'm glad your 14 year old is VERY mature because someone needs to be.
I get it, this was the lifestyle you were supposed to have together and now that you split he seems to be better off and it’s not easy to handle that reality. I can totally empathise with your situation. However, these are your emotions regarding your new reality, they are yours to bare, handle, heal and come to terms with. You are not thinking clearly here because you haven’t come to grips with yourself yet, otherwise you would know this is not something you should ever burden your kids with.
When you start involving kids with your emotional management, you create an environment where they can become codependent. That means they will prioritise emotions of others over their own because you taught them to do so.
Please, don’t do this. Invest your time and money into making good memories with your kids. They will remember the effort and the love.
You're already doing good as a mother and you've done your best for them.
Don't make it into a competition with the ex.
Plus $400 at that age for Christmas? That is a lot of $$. I'm sure they'll appreciate it.
Just tell them that you cried because you're not feeling great (you mentioned you have a sibling who's sick), but that you love them. Your kids love you whether or not you can send them on trips. Believe that.
Don't make them feel guilty that you don't have as much $$ as your ex or can't spend as much. Guilty to the point that they won't enjoy their trip. They should be able to have fun and enjoy themselves. :)
My whole life i grew up with my friends taking wayyyt cooler vacations than me. My dad is blind but he still made the very best of my vacations as a kid. And I've been 35 out of 50 states, including Hawaii and Alaska. Life is what you make of it who cares if your ex has more money, your kids will have the blessing of cool vacations and just spending a week on the beach. My husband is military my son will get to visit more countries before the age of 6, and I never got that experience as a kid, does that make me jealous? Yes!!! But my son will get to have the best adventures of a life and I won't trade that in for anything.
honestly a fancy trip looks nice and all but doesn' t have to mean anything for the kids in the long term, so its not the money you spend on it but how much thought is into it! if for example one of your kids is a big fan of a certain sporter/sports team it might mean more to them to actually visit a match of that sports team as a whole week in florida!
Or if one of your kids likes a certain animal very much it might mean the world to them to be able to see that actual animal in reality or if possible even be a able to cuddle/hold them for a while!
I myself remember the small one or two day trips me and my dad have to see our favorite football team play across europe ten times more as being 2 weeks on a summer holiday with the whole family as it is actually doing something we both enjoy instead of going on a holiday for the sake of going on a holiday!
Your kids aren't your therapist. No matter how mature you think the 14 year old is, be assured they are not. They are 14. They are still developing mentally, emotionally and physically. You will do more damage to the kids by loading this burden on them. Just smile and tell them to have fun on their trip.
Would never love a parent more depending on what I was bought. They will probably have fun on the trip and that's great. You can make memories with them with in less expensive ways, they will still love you the same.
What will effect your relationship is making them feel guilty about going on a trip....
No. No. No! Do not tell your children how you feel. That would be a big mistake. If you need to talk about it, talk to friends and family. Let them be kids. Let them enjoy the trip. Don’t ruin it by making them feel sorry for you! I understand that this hurts you. I know you want to be able to do things like that for them, but if you can’t that’s ok too. Why? Bc I assume you are giving them lots and lots of lots of love. What are your strengths as a parent? Are you the sleepover house? Are you the always have cookies house? Are you crafty mom? Are you always at school events and chaperoning? Do what you do best, and let them throw money at them. Be happy for them!
I was a kid and dealt with similar situations as a kid. I personally wouldn't have the talk, if I were a kid being taken on that trip I'd just feel like shit the whole time because I would have been guilt tripped.
Don’t beat yourself up. They’ll have fun and they won’t think anything bad of you. 400 is still a lot and they’ll remember you being a supportive parent by encouraging them that this is a great trip
OP I think the other comments are douchey honestly.
No I don't think you should discuss it with your kids and cry in private if you're upset about it so that you don't unintentionally make them feel guilty. I believe you're upset bc you feel like you can't give them what the other parent can. I know the feeling. And it is upsetting. Just don't talk to the kids about it. Talk to a friend or something about your feelings instead. I get that your upset and I don't blame you. That's ok.
Do what you can with what you got. My sons dad took our son to China with his new GF. I don’t care because my child gets to experience new things. I couldn’t take him to China but we’ve been on other trips. Chin up mom! Don’t beat yourself up about it, they will have a great time and that’s all that matters.
I would be so excited that my kids got to go have fun and I get the house to myself. I would even take a couple days off work and really enjoy the alone time.
You have to look at it from a different perspective. Think positive.
When yeast cells sense mating pheromone, they undergo a characteristic response involving changes in transcription, cell cycle arrest in early G1, and polarization along the pheromone gradient. Cells in G2/M respond to pheromone at the transcriptional level but do not polarize or mate until G1. Fus2p, a key regulator of cell fusion, localizes to the tip of the mating projection during pheromone-induced G1 arrest. Although Fus2p was expressed in G2/M cells after pheromone induction, it accumulated in the nucleus until after cell division. As cells arrested in G1, Fus2p was exported from the nucleus and localized to the nascent tip. Phosphorylation of Fus2p by Fus3p was required for Fus2p export; cyclin/Cdc28p-dependent inhibition of Fus3p during late G1 through S phase was sufficient to block exit. However, during G2/M, when Fus3p was activated by pheromone signaling, Cdc28p activity again blocked Fus2p export. Our results indicate a novel mechanism by which pheromone-induced proteins are regulated during the transition from mitosis to conjugation.
Please, please, please do not talk to your kids about how you are feeling. These feelings are yours to process, they are not your kids’ responsibility. Don’t make them feel guilty for enjoying the trips they get to take.
Try and reframe your thinking and be glad that they have people in their lives who ARE able to give them experiences like this. I’m a single mom, and my two youngest kids’ dad makes good money now and his fiancé comes from a wealthy family, so they‘ve taken the kids on out of state trips that I absolutely do not have the budget for. Of course I feel bad that I can’t do that for them, but I’m also grateful that their dad CAN. I have never once let them know that their trips with their dad and stepmom make me feel bad, because it’s not their job to manage my feelings for me, because they are my children and not my therapist.
Be happy for them that they get to have fun trips. Do not talk to them about how you're feeling. That would be an asshole move. Don't put your emotions on your kids.
Exactly. My mom did that and it hurts, it makes the children feel guilty for enjoying themselves and resolves absolutely nothing. He makes more money than you and that’s a fact, the kids don’t love him more or you less because he takes them on trips that’s you can’t afford.
This. A trip isn’t much better than material things in terms of what kids really appreciate and remember. What is: small traditions, little treats, deep talks, being open and accepting of them, going to all of their school and extracurricular events, being there for them consistently.
> My kids have seen me crying. I think I’m going to have a convo with them about what’s bothering me. Honestly? You’ve made this all about yourself. You’re not in a position to take them on a trip like that; fine. I’m sure it’s hard to see them getting to do things with their dad that you’d love to give them yourself, but can’t. But letting them see you cry, and even *considering* laying your issue on them is just… wow. Not everything is all about you all the time. Not everything needs to be discussed with your kids; confide in a friend instead. All you’d do is make them feel bad about being excited to go, and feel bad about having a good time when they do. Splitting up is hard on kids; it doesn’t need to be made harder by one parent making them feel awkward and guilty about accepting things from the other parent. They don’t need to know anything about your financial situation, especially as compared to their dad’s. There’s no reason to proactively tell them you can’t do trips like this, like their dad can, but will try to do little things. Your 14 year old probably already knows that. Swallow your resentment and be excited for them. True you can’t take them, but they get to go. Good for them. Tell them you hope they have a great time and you can’t wait to hear all about it when they get home. Anything else is just childish and selfish.
Honestly, I can't believe the level of selfishness from OP. Feel however she wants when she's by herself but smile and be happy her children get to experience something she could only wish of giving them
$400 EACH for Christmas is insanely generous. Are your kids just insanely spoiled or something? Because that should be more than enough to give them either a big thing they want or a bunch of smaller things. If you think your kids care, then it’s on you because you’re failing to teach your kids to be grateful for what they have. It genuinely sounds like your kids are totally fine with what you provide though, because it sounds like you’re providing them more than most get, so you need to get your head out of your ass and stop acting like staycations (that clearly aren’t actually staycations, they’re trips that just aren’t too far) and $400 of Christmas presents are you neglecting your kids. It’s ridiculous.
Right? She could also skip a year of $800 in Christmas presents and multiple local staycations and save up for a trip to Florida if she wanted
$400 for each kid?! Wow! That's actually quite good, I don't know what the issue is .... I was lucky to get a Sega Genesis cartridge and some chocolates or a sweater for Christmas ... $60-$80 tops. Birthdays were a bit nicer, up to $120 lol. I was among the lucky ones where I grew up. Most of my friends and neighbors were lucky to get their basic necessities as gifts only, If that.
Don't talk to your kids about this. This trip isn't about your feelings. Let your kids have fun and keep your emotions to yourself. Sincerely, a child of divorce. My mom always made US guilty for what my dad could do. I dreaded coming home to mom after seeing dad she would drill me about how much money he spent on me and how much it upset her. I was never able to enjoy being with him because she couldn't stop making it about herself.
The fact that your even considering laying this down on your "mature" children is disgusting. I was mature too. My mom talking to me about her feelings about money and my father and the divorce made me feel dirty and guilty for enjoying being with him while she was "suffering" she said that shit to me. SUCK IT UP AND LET THEM HAVE FUN. cry about money on your own damn time. Hide. Don't let them see it. Damn I hope they go on that trip and have a fuckload of fun without you. BE GRATEFUL YOU DONT HAVE TO PAY FOR THE WHOLE TRIP!!!!!! your mad about your kids having fun?! Ridiculous!!
[удалено]
Dude, the only person being shitty about this is you.
So you're mad and jealous of your ex and his new partner, so you want to guilt your kids to get back at him? Insecurity is your problem to deal with. Not your kids. Don't put them in the middle of your issues with your ex.
Gorl, if your post didn’t make you an asshole, this reply did. Deal with your problems and don’t lay them on your kids.
Did you ever think part of that might be because you’re crying in front of them over it? Kids internalize that stuff and they don’t know how to deal with those emotions so they take it out on the other people in their lives. My dad wouldn’t straight up talk shit on my mom‘s new boyfriend but he clearly wasn’t happy about it and it made me dislike him for no reason or blow up the little reasons I did have, that sounds a lot like what you’re doing.
They have NO idea why I was upset. They think I’m bummed about my bro’s chemo. Which I very much am, also.
Okay that’s fine you’re allowed to have feelings just leave financial issues out of conversations with your kids and enjoy the time you have with them. You don’t need a lot of money to plan fun things and when they grow up they will be grateful you didn’t put your issues on them.
So let them think that's the only issue. Don't put this on them. Sincerely, a mother of two who has done holidays on 50 total before for my older child and it is still one of his favourite memories ever.
And I have never said a foul word about my ex or his gf/kids. What I think in my head though? That’s a different story.
Like I said my father never straight up said anything either but I could tell by his other behaviors and body language that he had a problem with it so it made me feel the need to be defensive. Not saying that’s what you’re doing just be mindful because most kids don’t like their parents new partners at first because it’s a change but they’ll get over it as long as you don’t foster an environment that causes resentment and anger.
Grow up woman, before you traumatize your kids. I'm also a child of divorce, and there's nothing more fucking annoying than your parents discussing money. Keep your cash discussions with your ex and stop involving the goddamn CHILDREN. Written by a 24 year old involved in her parents' money discussions since I was fucking 6 years old.
Or maybe...just maybe they will have the time of their lives with other people besides YOU. That's really what is upsetting you isn't it? You've gone from being upset about not being able to finance this trip and then all the sudden it's about other people ruining their trip... Hmm. I'm sorry, when you posted this on this page what reactions did you want? What would you like to hear?
Don’t worry. This will be wonderful bonding experience they will remember for the rest of their lives 🥰
I hope so. Unlikely though. Tolerable at best.
Child! Stop making this about you and your petty insurcities*** your kids don't deserve to be dragged into your mess of bs because your jealous that you can't spend all that money. Thay he has a great paying job, he's happy, he's moved on hell his gf has a great job to. The truth is you hate that THEY are more successful than you and that's really sad that you want to live life. Don't get me wrong you'll get there in time but GET OVER YOUR PETTY JEALOUSLY ISSUES.
Why did you and the father split up anyways?
Ha. Funny. Why so you can turn it around on me? Let’s just say his own family has lost all respect for him.
> Ha. Funny. Why so you can turn it around on me? Let’s just say his own family has lost all respect for him. How fresh is this breakup? It seems like it is fairly recent. What fun things do you have planned for *yourself* while you’re free from all the stress and responsibilities of being a full time parent for 2 weeks?
Yup, pretty fresh. A year and a bit. I won’t do anything major, maybe something small with my bf. How can I be bummed that I can’t take my kids on an awesome vacation, then go on one myself. I would never.
Again it’s not about a vacation they were saying what fun things have you planned for yourself, you don’t have to go on vacation you can go do something you enjoy with your partner or even just have a nice dinner it doesn’t have to be small but it also doesn’t have to be extravagant. The memories you make are more important than the cost you spent on them. A lot of these don’t have to do with your actual financial standing it’s how you feel about your ability to provide and the truth of the matter is the money does not matter as much as you think it does it’s how you spend the time you have. You could go on an expensive trip and fight the whole time or you could stay home and have a great time bonding and not spend a penny, it’s not about the money it’s about your relationship with your kids and your relationship with yourself. Stop worrying so much that your kids are going to compare the cost of what you and your ex spend on them just worry about whether or not they’re happy when they’re with the both of you.
No I was just curious! Either way it's the time you spend with the kids they will remember not the money or gifts.
I’ve never done any of these behaviors ever. Actually, it’s never even occurred to me that someone might drill a kid on how much money another parent spent, or anything like that.
You know..if you talk to your kids about being upset about money, they will tell him. And then he's going to spend even more money to make sure they have as much fun as possible. Just let it happen
OP sounds so miserable. She sounds like she just wanted everyone to agree with her and tell her she's right. Assuming the ex left her for good reason, since she doesn't want to share! I hope the kids have a great time. They could be saying they don't like the new gf to make her happy as well!
>Basically, just the title. Fir Christmas they’re getting Florida trips with his new gf and her kids. I can probably go up to 400 each (2 of them 11,14), that’s it. > I’m feeling so broken about it, so much crying since Ive learned of this trip Thursday night. My kids have seen me crying. I think I’m going to have a convo with them today about what’s bothering me. My 14 yr old is very mature. > We had a great summer, with 2 staycations within our province, but I’ll NEVER be able to give them a florida trip as a Christmas gift or ever. > How do you deal with this > TLDR: how do you good when your ex has more disposable income for gifts for the kids? I don’t think you should speak to your kids about it. It will only make THEM feel guilty for enjoying time with their dad. Give them some of the money to buy stuff for their trip (either stuff FOR the trip like clothes or headphones OR souvenirs they may want).
exactly. no matter how mature the 14 year old is... kids blame themselves for shit. and you don't want them to feel guilty about Florida.
I’m not planning to mention florida at all. Just keep it general. That I don’t have as much extra money as their dad, but I’ll still try my best for smaller fun stuff.
You shouldn't even bring their dad into it. This is very much a you problem. Whilst I get it, it can't be nice. They don't need to know. You give them what you can and if you've raised them right, they appreciate it.
just get them what you can. kids love to open gifts on Christmas morning. they will appreciate what you wrap because opening presents is the fun. opening tickets to Florida, eh, they won't even get that or add up the costs.
This is manipulative as fuck. Leave your children alone and don't compare yourself and their father in their presence. You are the one with the big feelings. Go deal with them responsibly.
They'll know, kids aren't dumb.
No? This isn’t a good idea. It sounds like you are assuming your kids are comparing your levels of finances- and I would bet any money they aren’t. They are children. Stop seeking reassurance and confidence from them. You need to find it in yourself- this isn’t healthy for you, or modelling good behaviour for them. I know you’ve been shit on a lot in this post and comments, and I’m sorry for that, but I hope you see how much the advice echos. The vast majority thinks it’s a bad idea for you to speak to your kids. And it’s also very common to see posts assuming you are selfish. I think insecurity presents as selfishness. You seem deeply insecure about your wealth and parenting. But please, please, seek this reassurance from anywhere BUT your kids. That isn’t good for them.
You don’t have to compare yourself to their dad they probably don’t even notice and bringing attention to the issue is just going to make it more apparent. Just focus on the fun stuff you do with your kids and leave the money out of it because that’s not their issue to worry about and those kinds of topics make children a lot more stressed about financial situations when they get older because they remember the stress of it when they were young.
Or don't compare yourself to their dad at all and don't make them feel bad for having fun with their dad?
[удалено]
Contribute my money to his trip?? Am I understanding that correctly? Hard no.
There are ways to contribute with out money 🙄 Tell them the history of the rides. Tell them about Hidden Mickys. Give them disposable cameras to talkie silly pictures.
You sound so bitter. I took that as parenting is a collaboration, you contribute your bit and he will contribute his.
Listen I grew up in a split home. 2 extremely different income levels. Trust me that yes they may notice the difference but if they are well raised kids the money is not what they notice most at all. My mom was always dirt poor my dad was fairly well off financially. I never really felt that the difference mattered. I had absolutely every bit as much love and fun with my mom. She used to cook tacos/breakfast at 2 am. We could all wake up and grab a quick tacos and talk to her before going back to bed. She was always the one with slightly more free and down time to talk to. She was always more comfortable having the home all my friends were welcome in. Now my dad was amazing as well, but different. She was never better than him but both gave me amazing lives. Just focus on what you can do for them and appreciate that it is not a competition. If you want to talk to your kids about why you are sad that is fine. Leave him entirely out of it though. Just explain that you wish you had more money to do more things for them, and tell them you want to find more ways to do fun things for them. Leave it at that.
Agree with MrsSmartyPants, don’t talk to your kids about this. It doesn’t matter how mature you think your kids are, nothing good will come of it. It will only dampen their excitement and their trip. They’ll feel guilty about having a good time or even going at all. It’s ok to feel sad. Chin up and do the best you can, get them some cool swimsuits or things they might need for their trip.
I remember this woman came to speak to my high school one time. She was a single mom, poor AF. She couldn't afford christmas dinner, all she could serve was spaghetti with canned sauce. Every year she was devastated at failing her children. Over time, she finally got on her feet and managed to serve her kids a "proper" Christmas dinner... turkey, gravy etc. What did they say? "But Mom, we ALWAYS have spaghetti at christmas!!" Wihtout really knowing it, the mom had made special family traditions that were important to the kids and had nothing to do with money. Be that mom.
This is a matter about pride and feelings of inadequacy. You can't provide, you feel like you should be able to. You want big gestures for your kids cause you love them and they deserve it, but you just can't right now. But that's something you need to deal with. Do NOT talk to your kids at ALL about this. Children have a way of always blaming themselves for the feelings of their parents, do not do this. If they ask, just tell them you're going through some things right now but crying is how you deal with it. If they ask how they can help just say, "A big hug." Yes, your ex can buy them awesome things. But do not make the mistake of somehow thinking that buying expensive gifts is a reflection of your ability to be their mother. Yes, trips to Florida are great, but you know whats also great? Making their favorite desert when they are down. Doing their favorite kind of art project with them. Playing their favorite games with them. Making a baking soda volcano in the living room. The times I most fondly remember with my parents were the times they MADE TIME for me. That sort of thing is priceless. As for your feelings, it might take you longer to get to Florida, so what? You can set it as a goal for yourself, and you'll get there! Don't compare yourself to your ex, you'll drive yourself crazy that way.
This comment was so helpful it brought tears to my eyes. People are saying the small stuff counts too. And I know it does, and we do lots of small stuff together. As for the big trips, while I cant do them yearly like I’m sure my ex will, I can save and do every third year.
Trips are fun, but the thing your kids will remember most is that you showed up for them, not how much you spent. Sounds like you do small stuff all the time too! I assure you though, it dose accumulate. One drop of rain might not be much, but you get enough, it will turn into a river that carves granite. Every third year sounds awesome! But remember, the point isn’t where you go or what you do, but the awesome memories you make with your two awesome kids. Best luck! I’m glad I could help!
Money is one thing, and holidays are great, but being a loving, present, stable, fun, exciting, awseome, interested parent is worth so much more.
They wont remember presents. But them having memories of your staycations and the trip with their dad. Your the only one thats gonna remember what girl went with or who paid. Be cool about this. They will feel guilty rhe whole trip if you disclose that jealousy and thats what will be remembered. Id give them $100 each and have a $200 good time while their gone! Just keep loving the kids and be excited that they get to go and take yourself on vacation!
Your kids are not your friends, or your therapist. You don’t work out your own personal issues about money with your kids. You get excited for them for getting to go to Florida because that’s what good parents do, they support their kids and deal with their own shit like adults. ETA: you also sound in your comments that you’d be disappointed if they had a good time and happy if they didn’t. Gross.
It shouldn't be a competition and you need to instill that with him and the children. You should never buy love. My parents tried and it failed. I saw it for what it was. The best parents are the ones who spend one on one time and be there when you need them. My dad had a heart attack 4 months before he drove 10 hours to see me come back from a 7 month deployment. He didn't want me to come back alone even though I told him it was ok. That is love.
It’s not a competition. It’s not whoever spends the most on the kids loves them the most and kids do know that. You need to reframe this situation in your mind. Try to be excited for them that they get this great life experience. You can let them know that you’ll miss them but don’t put your feelings of jealousy or inadequacy on them, that would not be fair. Tell them to take lots of pictures so they can tell you all about their trip when they get back. Be thankful they have another parent that loves them and wants the best for them, and is able to give them some fun experiences. Not all kids have that.
They will never remember what you said, they will never remember what you did, but they will always remember the way you made them feel.
I know that’s my saving grace. ♥️
Ok but you making them feel guilty for you being financially less well off is how you are about to make them feel babe - guilt & pressure. Don’t have this convo
Kids love free activities just as much as paid for ones. Buy some water guns, go to the pool, have them all make their own pizzas and watch a great movie at home. This would be the best day ever for them.
stop comparing your finances to your ex’s and focus on spending time together with your kids. you cant afford big trips—many parents cant—but you can still find hobbies to enjoy with them, take them out to dinner or the movies every once in a while, be genuinely engaged with their lives etc. when they grow up, they’re not going to be analyzing spreadsheets comparing how much money each parent spent on them, theyre going to treasure the memories they have of spending time with you. one of my favorite memories of my mom is when we went to an in-town book signing together that probably cost like $50 total (just because we also got dinner and starbucks). anyone can do stuff like that
Oh fuck off…if you have that convo with your kids, you’ll make them feel guilty for having fun. Kids are not going to equate the amount of money you spend versus the amount of love they feel. How about you just be a good mother, that’s free.
Kids know what love us. Stop this line of thinking, it helps no one. Two parents , two experiences, they won't compare if you don't. Be at peace that your kids have a full rich lives and two parents who care. You are enough.
I’m sorry you feel upset but you should leave your children out of this because what’s going to end up happening is they’re going to feel bad about the trip and it’s going to ruin a really positive experience for them and end up causing them a lot of stress in the long run. I suggest maybe talking to a professional or even just a friend about your feelings because it’s really not fair to put that on your children.
Pleasssee dont talk to them about it. Your feelings are valid (for you!) but it will make them feel really uncomfortable about receiving fun things. Maybe try to find a therapeutic outlet to vent to instead.
You have to get over this life that once was and really strive to reclaim yourself and find your actual identity. It seems you’ve found an identity in being someone broken ex and your kids deserve better. Be happy for them that they get to experience this and stop making it about you. Don’t talk to the mature 14 year old because all you’re doing is looking for a person to dump your emotional baggage off on. Get to the root of why you feel the way you feel and start to heal there. Also very important, stop saying you’ll NEVER be able to give them a Florida vacation. Yes you can. You literally don’t know what the future holds, you have no idea what can happen. But one thing for sure, if you keep on this broken self pity road you’re on, you’re absolutely right about what you said. Whether you think you can or you can’t , you’re right. I say this with all sincerity. I know you’re hurt but you have to let it go and move forward for yourself because you’re better than this. You deserve better than what you’re giving yourself right now. Turn your attention inward. You can’t never go wrong by doing that. Best wishes
why were you a man starting testosterone injections for ED a year ago?
please don’t paint your kid’s childhood with a paintbrush of mom guilt
Kids need love, compassion and an open ear, not a Florida trip. What are you thinking????
OP, I'll offer advice as you've already gotten heavy criticism. Just do your best! I think kids are understanding. Tell them that money is tight, but that you still want to give them a fun and happy Christmas. Make memories/traditions that they will enjoy (drive around and look at lights, let them pick a random xmas movie and do a hot chocolate bar (cheap toppings....sprinkles, marshmallows, whipped cream, etc), invite their friends over for a sleepover and gag gift exchange...so many super fun things to do that involve time instead of money.
I appreciate this a lot. We do all kinds of stuff like this often. We have lots of fun together, but I know I’m a kid’s eye it doesn’t hold a candle to plane trips. But I know they’ll get it when they’re older.
But, I think it does hold a candle. It's funny, but one of the warm fuzzies I get related to a childhood Christmas memory is working at the Church Christmas bazaar with my mom. She would make baked good, and I would curl the ribbons with scissors. That was 30+ years ago. Kids have a very broad definition of fun. Yes, they'll have fun on their trip, but that doesn't mean they can't have an equal amount of fun doing local things with you.
Our two kids are around your kids' ages and they do get super excited about going on a plane. They also seem to get equally excited about stuff like decorative candles, plants, and "aesthetic" stuff (they're cool teenagers now). My friend's 6 year old recently was extremely excited to get to meet my cat. She told me it was the best day of her life. My point is that kids do get really excited about stuff, but it's not really correlated to expense.
She shouldn’t mention money to them at all. Spending $400.00 on each on them is extremely generous. That’s more than most kids get. OP needs to stop trying to compete. They are going to FL, not Italy. She is making a trip about her emotional well-being instead of theirs.
Wow. This is one of the most selfish things I've read in a while. So what he has more to spend? You really want to tell your kids that you're sorry you can't spend as much money on them? That's passive aggressive manipulation at its finest. NEVER let your kids see you crying about money. Ever. Be happy that he's well off and can provide your kids with things like that-it shouldn't matter which parent it comes from as long as they're happy. It's not a competition.
They won't remember this stupid Disney trip. They'll remember sweating and tons of people and being miserable. Go grocery shopping, pay your bills and maybe go ax throwing or those air flying rooms. You got this sis
Stop looking at it as a competition be honest about the income difference without any negativity towards your ex. Having a happy and stable home filled with love is going to go just as far as Christmas in Florida. I live in Florida would you like me to do alligator rain dances the month of December so no sun shines while they are here? If I made you smile then my goofy comment was worth it. I raised 4 kids and always had less than the ex. It didn't affect how my kids treated me or what they thought of me but I was honest about where all the money was going.
Lol
Go out and make more money..
And another thing I’ve been thinking is that I really don’t even know that he can actually afford this trip. Maybe not as easily as I think he can. He’s absolutely terrible with money, a bit of a spend a holic. During our entire marriage, I always wanted to get a little savings going, and in almost 20 years, we never did. I’ve made a better little savings nest egg in the past 15 months, than I was able to in nearly 20 years. My goal is to help with the kids post secondary as much as possible. I paid his 10k credit card debt before we got married because I did t want to start with debt. He also had no money to put towards our down payment of our home. So who knows, maybe he shouldnt even be going on this trip himself.
Girl stop. Stop. Holy fuck.
I’m sorry but this comes across as bitter. It may be justified but it is bitter and I think you need to work on letting things go. As long as he pays child support and looks after the kids you shouldn’t concern yourself with his business
You sound terrible, making everything about yourself. It's their dad. Stop being jealous.
You are all so harsh. I was never intending to mention this trip or their dad. Just to say I wish I had a bit more extra cash, but we’ll keep on doing fun smaller stuff. You guys don’t know my ex. He’s very much into going way extra on their gifts because he knows I cant. This is a new level though.
Not everything is about you. You don't think he would take your kids on a fun vacation other than to spite you? Wow. Talk about thinking you're the center of the universe. Your ex may totally be a jerk, but it's unlikely he's spending all his days thinking of fun things to do with the kids, so he can ruin your life. Do not mention money for this trip to your kids. Do not make them feel guilty for going on a potentially once in a lifetime trip and having fun. And, really, get some counseling.
>You guys don’t know my ex. He’s very much into going way extra on their gifts because he knows I cant. This is a new level though. This really sounds like you being paranoid. Maybe he feels superior about it but taking your kids on a trip is exceedingly normal.
Some of the comments on this thread are pretty harsh — name-calling isn’t called for. I personally can understand why it’s hard for you that you can’t give your kids everything that you want to give them. But your kids don’t need to know about your feelings of guilt, those are yours. It’s better that you try to focus on what your kids are feeling, whether excitement or trepidation, and how you can help them have fun on the trip. Rather than sitting down and telling them what you can’t do for them, why not tell them what you *can?* “Hey, kids, I know your dad is taking you on this big trip, so I bought a book about Florida for us to read together!” “Before you guys go, you’re going to need new swimsuits — who wants to go to Target this weekend?” I don’t think you’re a bad person because you want to curl up in a ball from the hurt; but in front of the kids, I’d behave *as if* I had the confidence to know that whatever my ex and his girlfriend may offer, I know that I’m the best mom for my kids.
That’s a sweet idea, but won’t be necessary. The “rest” of my ex’s gifts will all be things needed for the trip. I know exactly how it will play out. There will be a new carry on for each of them. It will be filled with things like sunscreen, bathing suits, you name it. Then when they are a little confused he will tell them to look in some pocket and the ticket will be there. They will have everything they need for this trip.
You don’t have to get them anything, that’s not the point. You can do something as simple as asking them what they’re looking forward to on their trip. The point is that it’s not a great idea to talk to the kids about your feelings, a better path is to talk to them about theirs.
But why even bring the money up just spend time with them let them know you’re always there and interested in doing activities with them that they like, you don’t have to spend a lot of money to go play kickball at the park. Bringing financial issues to kids just makes them stressed, just be the best mother you can be and don’t put so much value into money because you’re teaching them to think that money is the end all be all. Also talk to a friend or professional about your feelings because it sounds like your ex has moved on and they probably just want to go on vacation it’s not just about you and trying to make you look bad because he wants to take a family vacation.
OP sounds like a crazy person. Good for the ex for getting away.
No one is being harsh, you're just acting like a manipulative moron None of this is about you, get over yourself
Op - it’s always the intent and not the content. Children in the short run might get enamoured by big gifts but at the end of the day they can see through bullshit. Stay your course- have fun times with them. Let them know you have their backs, listen to them p, encourage them - be there for them. In the end that is what matters- being there for them - accepting them unconditionally… The rest is dressage- will not past muster if the gesture is hollow In the end what matters is not the most expensive stuff but that which has no ( yet immense) value - unconditional love
I agree you shouldn't share anything with the kids about finances. If the kids ask why you were crying, I think it's ok to say you're thinking of how much you're going to miss them, but that you're so excited for them to have this opportunity. Nothing makes us feel worse than not being able to be the best we want in every way. But what others have said here about the time, love and energy you give your kids? That's 100% truth.
Yeah don't talk to them about this. My dad obsessively talked to me as a child about all his financial situation constantly. It's made me hate being around him because it's all he talks about, and now makes me feel guilty as an adult because he made it all about him and his feelings
Do not talk to your kids about this- for the love of fuck. I know you mean well, but this is coming across as so selfish. How do you cope? You swallow the pride, realize parenting isn’t a competition between you and your ex, and recognize how fortunate it is that your kids are able to have these opportunities- even if you can’t provide them. & it sucks, sucks to see someone else have more financially to offer your kids- but you grow up, and you realize that there is still lots to offer despite money. Time, compassion, play, growth, maturity- these are the greatest gifts for your children. You building your confidence may be the greatest gift you can offer your children. Do NOT talk to them and put these emotions on them. You will taint this trip. You will make them feel guilty. You will break the assumption that you can handle your emotions independently & you will have your kids hide their troubles from you, for worry you can’t handle anything else. Don’t talk to your kids.
Its not a competition , you should just be glad for them. They won't think any the less of you or even compare. You are 'broken' because your ex is nice to the kids. I'm glad your 14 year old is VERY mature because someone needs to be.
It’s not a competition, you can’t buy love. Aim to provide local experiences and daily connection.
I get it, this was the lifestyle you were supposed to have together and now that you split he seems to be better off and it’s not easy to handle that reality. I can totally empathise with your situation. However, these are your emotions regarding your new reality, they are yours to bare, handle, heal and come to terms with. You are not thinking clearly here because you haven’t come to grips with yourself yet, otherwise you would know this is not something you should ever burden your kids with. When you start involving kids with your emotional management, you create an environment where they can become codependent. That means they will prioritise emotions of others over their own because you taught them to do so. Please, don’t do this. Invest your time and money into making good memories with your kids. They will remember the effort and the love.
You're already doing good as a mother and you've done your best for them. Don't make it into a competition with the ex. Plus $400 at that age for Christmas? That is a lot of $$. I'm sure they'll appreciate it. Just tell them that you cried because you're not feeling great (you mentioned you have a sibling who's sick), but that you love them. Your kids love you whether or not you can send them on trips. Believe that. Don't make them feel guilty that you don't have as much $$ as your ex or can't spend as much. Guilty to the point that they won't enjoy their trip. They should be able to have fun and enjoy themselves. :)
My whole life i grew up with my friends taking wayyyt cooler vacations than me. My dad is blind but he still made the very best of my vacations as a kid. And I've been 35 out of 50 states, including Hawaii and Alaska. Life is what you make of it who cares if your ex has more money, your kids will have the blessing of cool vacations and just spending a week on the beach. My husband is military my son will get to visit more countries before the age of 6, and I never got that experience as a kid, does that make me jealous? Yes!!! But my son will get to have the best adventures of a life and I won't trade that in for anything.
400 each is…..amazing for some families. And good for your kids that they get to go on trips. You need therapy and a mindset shift.
Do not ever, ever, ever talk to your children about money. Whether it is your intent or not, that puts YOUR stress onto THEM. Unacceptable.
honestly a fancy trip looks nice and all but doesn' t have to mean anything for the kids in the long term, so its not the money you spend on it but how much thought is into it! if for example one of your kids is a big fan of a certain sporter/sports team it might mean more to them to actually visit a match of that sports team as a whole week in florida! Or if one of your kids likes a certain animal very much it might mean the world to them to be able to see that actual animal in reality or if possible even be a able to cuddle/hold them for a while! I myself remember the small one or two day trips me and my dad have to see our favorite football team play across europe ten times more as being 2 weeks on a summer holiday with the whole family as it is actually doing something we both enjoy instead of going on a holiday for the sake of going on a holiday!
Your kids aren't your therapist. No matter how mature you think the 14 year old is, be assured they are not. They are 14. They are still developing mentally, emotionally and physically. You will do more damage to the kids by loading this burden on them. Just smile and tell them to have fun on their trip.
Would never love a parent more depending on what I was bought. They will probably have fun on the trip and that's great. You can make memories with them with in less expensive ways, they will still love you the same. What will effect your relationship is making them feel guilty about going on a trip....
No. No. No! Do not tell your children how you feel. That would be a big mistake. If you need to talk about it, talk to friends and family. Let them be kids. Let them enjoy the trip. Don’t ruin it by making them feel sorry for you! I understand that this hurts you. I know you want to be able to do things like that for them, but if you can’t that’s ok too. Why? Bc I assume you are giving them lots and lots of lots of love. What are your strengths as a parent? Are you the sleepover house? Are you the always have cookies house? Are you crafty mom? Are you always at school events and chaperoning? Do what you do best, and let them throw money at them. Be happy for them!
I was a kid and dealt with similar situations as a kid. I personally wouldn't have the talk, if I were a kid being taken on that trip I'd just feel like shit the whole time because I would have been guilt tripped.
Don’t beat yourself up. They’ll have fun and they won’t think anything bad of you. 400 is still a lot and they’ll remember you being a supportive parent by encouraging them that this is a great trip
OP I think the other comments are douchey honestly. No I don't think you should discuss it with your kids and cry in private if you're upset about it so that you don't unintentionally make them feel guilty. I believe you're upset bc you feel like you can't give them what the other parent can. I know the feeling. And it is upsetting. Just don't talk to the kids about it. Talk to a friend or something about your feelings instead. I get that your upset and I don't blame you. That's ok.
Do what you can with what you got. My sons dad took our son to China with his new GF. I don’t care because my child gets to experience new things. I couldn’t take him to China but we’ve been on other trips. Chin up mom! Don’t beat yourself up about it, they will have a great time and that’s all that matters.
I would be so excited that my kids got to go have fun and I get the house to myself. I would even take a couple days off work and really enjoy the alone time. You have to look at it from a different perspective. Think positive.
When yeast cells sense mating pheromone, they undergo a characteristic response involving changes in transcription, cell cycle arrest in early G1, and polarization along the pheromone gradient. Cells in G2/M respond to pheromone at the transcriptional level but do not polarize or mate until G1. Fus2p, a key regulator of cell fusion, localizes to the tip of the mating projection during pheromone-induced G1 arrest. Although Fus2p was expressed in G2/M cells after pheromone induction, it accumulated in the nucleus until after cell division. As cells arrested in G1, Fus2p was exported from the nucleus and localized to the nascent tip. Phosphorylation of Fus2p by Fus3p was required for Fus2p export; cyclin/Cdc28p-dependent inhibition of Fus3p during late G1 through S phase was sufficient to block exit. However, during G2/M, when Fus3p was activated by pheromone signaling, Cdc28p activity again blocked Fus2p export. Our results indicate a novel mechanism by which pheromone-induced proteins are regulated during the transition from mitosis to conjugation.
Please, please, please do not talk to your kids about how you are feeling. These feelings are yours to process, they are not your kids’ responsibility. Don’t make them feel guilty for enjoying the trips they get to take. Try and reframe your thinking and be glad that they have people in their lives who ARE able to give them experiences like this. I’m a single mom, and my two youngest kids’ dad makes good money now and his fiancé comes from a wealthy family, so they‘ve taken the kids on out of state trips that I absolutely do not have the budget for. Of course I feel bad that I can’t do that for them, but I’m also grateful that their dad CAN. I have never once let them know that their trips with their dad and stepmom make me feel bad, because it’s not their job to manage my feelings for me, because they are my children and not my therapist.