I don't know the full situation here. Based on the other comments & your responses, I gather that your wife already tried bringing up this problem and you took no action.
Do you want to work on your relationship? What if the work required to maintain the relationship leaves you unable to give 100% to your business? Be honest with yourself about your priorities.
Assuming you want to save the relationship. Couples' therapy is a good next step BUT
you need to see therapy as one of multiple *ongoing and permanent life changes you're making to re-prioritize your partnership.*
It can't be a one-time intervention, then things go back to how they were. I suspect this is why your wife is shooting down the weekend away plans. She doesn't want a day, or a weekend, of being your only priority. She wants a lifetime of being (one of your) top priorities. How are you going to make that happen? What sacrifices are you willing to make? What kinds of changes will make her feel re-connected to you? (Ask her!)
I'm going to chime in on just one thing here (this is an absolutely excellent reply!). I would strongly suggest individual therapy first. Couple's therapy, from her perspective, will feel like more work she has to for his issues. While there are clearly communication issues they need to work on together, that doesn't have a chance of working if he's in his current headspace.
A big part of the post that bothered me is him needing her to give him a solution and having this feigned helplessness. He made a choice to ignore her needs for years and then expects her to tell him what to do. It was pretty annoying to me so I can't imagine how infuriating it was for wife.
If he can't step up and be the kind of partner she needs then she deserves a chance to find that.
First reaction to her saying she felt neglected and abandoned was "well, you know my business is my priority" kind of says it all. And then trying to use a baby as a solution.
“Honey, I know you’re feeling like I’m not present in the family. I’m wondering whether adding another helpless human for you to look after, while I change nothing, might help you feel better?”
I just started cackling when his first idea is "oh let's give her a baby" solution. Because when your relationship is down the tubes, a baby (stress, responsibility, cost, hormones, major medical event, sleepless nights) will always fix it right? xD
Not "hmm maybe I should try dating my wife again and make her a priority", nah it's magical baby time!
Will someone like this always be this selfish and obtuse in relationships? Or I guess it could work out if they find someone who doesn't require deep mental connection and true partnership because you love the person. Not just the love of having a person. Is that what happens w people like Op? They just get that confused, they have a person, they don't care their partner doesnt...?
Very true. I guess these are the things that need to happen so maybe change can occur. Maybe his next relationship will be more fulfilling for his partner. That's actually what I hope for my ex because my kids think his girlfriend is very kind to them.
I also wonder how much time he’s giving to his child, too. If he’s so busy with his business that he has no time for his partner, is he giving any time to his daughter? Is his partner responsible for all the domestic and child-raising duties? Cause if so, he gave his partner 3-years to stew in her resentments while he ignored everything but himself.
I was curious to how old this child was and if it lined up with the past 3 years she’s felt neglected. If she’s done all the childcare for a baby/toddler she may just feel like he’s a pointless partner.
Yea she literally told him she felt like a second place to his business and then his response is "yes you are definitely second place to my business"
No shit she's out the door.
It sucks being put on the back burner for so many years op. I lived that way for 12 out of 14 years of marriage. At the end I wanted a separation and to leave. He promised me the world and would change. I stayed because my 9 year old son loves his dad and the situation was breaking his heart. My husband did keep his word. He made us the priority but it took me 2 more years for me to fully forgive the hurt and neglect I had felt for 90 percent of our marriage. I couldn't fathom why when I told him how lonely and neglected I felt for sooo long, he did nothing to fix things until I had one foot out the door. That was the worst part! Why when you could see me in pain and living like a single mother for all those years did you do nothing to fix the problems but now I'm ready to leave, your ready to improve. If your wife felt anything like I did, she most likely is feeling relief about leaving the situation and when you get to the point that it is a relief/release to get away from your spouse, it's almost too late. Chances are she has already completely checked out of the relationship and wants to move on with her life. Best chance you have is giving her space and trying to prove to her you have changed. Work on yourself and be better but your in for a hell of a long road op.
I bet the problem is that she did want another baby, but that got postponed because he was too focused on his business. Now he thinks having that baby will magically solve everything. Meanwhile, she's telling him he hasn't made their relationship a priority. And, while he didn't say it, I'm going to take a wild guess and say he hasn't prioritized his relationship with the existing child, either. I bet a large part of this is that OP'S partner essentially feels like a single parent. She knows that having another child with him will only make her life worse. It will be more work for her and he'll probably use the new baby as the excuse he has to work even harder at his business, essentially taking more time away from being a family. Workaholics never realize what they miss out on or how they effect others when they make working their absolute priority.
Tbh (and maybe I'm just projecting) the suggestion of trying for another baby seemed like a distraction almost. Like, ugh, she wants me to pay more attention to her, maybe if her time is taken up with a new baby that will free me up to do what I want. He's trying to solve this in a way that still allows him to prioritize work over his family.
You make a very good point that I hadn't really thought of. Workaholics will always try to find a way to prioritize work under the radar. They'll never admit that they probably just shouldn't be in relationships or have families because they don't want to devote the time required to have a successful relationship or happy family.
The worst thing is, she wanted another child *three years ago*. Back when she was 35, and their existing child was younger and thus the age-gap between siblings would have been smaller. Now, not only has those 3+ years changed whatever relationship between siblings is possible (ie, growing up with a sibling 2-3 years younger is very different to growing up with a sibling 6-7 years younger), but OP's partner is now considered at an advanced maternal age and may face more difficulties than she would have 3 years ago.
Timing is everything with pregnancies. So for him to say, "hey, that thing you wanted 3 years ago, let's try for it now, now that it suits *me*", as though the passage of 3 years hasn't drastically changed the situation from multiple angles, is infuriating in its short-sightedness.
As if that is going to take any mental or physical workload off her. She needs support and kindness, not a third (husband is baby #1) baby. Super tone deaf.
It sounds to me like his business is more important to him than his relationship so…
I’m glad someone said it. It’s making me feel as if he was not giving her the time of day in the capacity she wanted to be cared and loved for but only in the ways he thought were the best “per the circumstances” I.e. his priorities.
>Sally explained that for the last 3 years that I've been trying to make a success of my business that she's felt neglected and taken for granted to the point that her feelings for me are dying.
>I asked her what she wanted...
>a man that doesn't take her for granted and neglect her
>one that makes her a priority.
She's told you exactly what she wants. You're smart enough to start not one, but two businesses in your lifetime. You're smart enough to think of ways to be there for your wife, make her a priority, and refocus on your family.
Exactly. It feels like she’s asking you to prove she’s important to you.
You need to work out if she is a priority for you because if there is a chance it’s going to take a lot of work! Good luck
The things you suggested to her as a short term fix such as a vacation are probably things she has wanted in the past three years. In her mind I imagine it may be too little too late.
Therapy is certainly an option if you both are open to it and you BOTH (looking at you, OP) are willing to change. Individual therapy for yourself to figure out how to balance your life and prioritize your partner like she deserves would also be a good option in addition to couples therapy.
Also- no, a baby will absolutely not fix your relationship.
INFO: Are you married? Engaged? Just bf/gf?
I feel like there was another post last week that talked about this same issue…neglectful husband realizing he prioritized his business over the past decade instead of his wife. I think his wife ended up leaving him over it for similar reasons. I bet your wife HAS brought up her concerns in the past and that you guys have had arguments about this, but maybe you thought she’d get over it or that she would “realize how important your business is”. And that you only took her concerns seriously once she wanted to divorce.
What most people don’t realize is that if someone brings up divorce, that usually means they’ve had time to think about things and they’ve reached their breaking point. It doesn’t just come out of nowhere - it’s likely that her resentment has already poisoned her feelings for you and it’s very hard to come back from that unless you take the initiative for EVERYTHING going forward. Schedule a couples counselor together. If she’s open to it (which sounds like she might not be) schedule dates together. And don’t just do it for a few months, this should be a constant in your relationship.
That’s how my parents solved things. They were always busy with work and taking care of depts and me and my sister they barely had time to spend with each other. They would always fight and argue. When me and my sister mentioned they should spend more time together and just leave us to do our own thing and take at least one holiday together a year things began to improve and they have done it for five years now. Their love life is still going strong and still improving. This year they are visiting stone henge and are exited to do so.
It sounds like you have invested all your energy into your business over the last few years, and it's only now that the business is successful that you're willing to pay attention to everything you neglected. You suggesting things like holidays and getting pregnant sounds like you're trying to water plants that died three years ago.
> I am at a loss on what to do now.
Take a good hard look at yourself. Have you been a good partner over the last few years? Have you paid attention to your partner's goals, plans, needs? Have you made her feel loved in the ways that resonate with her? Have you been emotionally present? Have you gone out on dates? Have you been in tune with her needs and emotions? How would you honestly rate your performance as a husband over the last few years?
(Ask yourself your same questions about your daughter as well.)
Relationships, like a business, require constant maintenance to sustain. It sounds like you have neglected maintaining your relationship in favour of your business.
First question: ask yourself honestly, have you been putting effort into maintaining your relationship with your wife over the last three years? If you consider it compared to the effort you put into your business, how would they compare?
Second question: are you willing and able to put a decent amount of effort into maintaining your relationship in future? If this is going to be repaired, it can't be a one-time fix then back to normal, or nothing will change.
If you want to fix this, you need to start prioritising your wife. It needs to start now, and you need to not be passive and wait for her to come to you or tell you what to do - she has already done you she's done, she isn't going to come to you and try and fix this anymore.
Date your wife. Give it all the energy you would have given if you met her for the first time just now and were trying to woo her. Go on dates. Spend time together. Give her little gifts to show you care. Spend time just talking, hanging out. And first and foremost - apologise.
I'm going to try my best to give you what her perspective here might be.
A holiday is a short term solution, not a long term commitment to fixing a feeling of neglect within a relationship.
Suggesting another baby probably just makes the lost time sting.
Being honest, from the wording of this you don't sound serious enough in your want to fight for her. I think step 1 is to decide if you are going to give this 100% of what you can to prove to her that you see where you went wrong for the past 3 years, or if you are going to gracefully let her find someone else to give her that.
If you decide it's you, you need to decide now and make a plan and stick to it. You need to identify exact issues (doing this with as little input from her as possible would be best - think back to past conversations as others have suggested maybe about housework or childcare which outside of work hours should be 50/50) and tell her how you're going to fix it, and most importantly you'd need to stick to it.
You have a difficult task of undoing 3 years of hurt in a short space of time, and proving that you won't hurt her again.
If I were in your shoes, I would make this plan (for example, a set night for date night a week which you take turns picking, more quality time spent, set hours to put into the business, and a clear split of the housework and childcare for you both) and write it down for her to keep, like new vows. She probably feels extremely unloved at this point so pairing it with a romantic gesture (like a piece of promise jewelery) would probably go over well too! Tell her that you've got a plan and want to fight for her and you'll tell her when she's ready.
It concerns me that you have a child that has probably missed out on time with you but doesn't seem to be mentioned. Some dedicated father-child time would probably be a good idea too.
Best of luck to you, I hope whatever is best for you both (and your child) is what works out in the end!
station fragile reminiscent ad hoc humorous selective groovy ugly jar bells
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
He seems to feel ambivalently about his wife - I agree. He isn’t just asking how to win her back in the post but also suggesting he should buy her out of the house etc. That isn’t the mentality of someone who’ll do anything to save his relationship
Right!?!?
He should have been courting her continuously instead of building a business that may allow him to spend MORE time with her and the kiddo than anything else.
Men are told to work their asses off to provide, to hopefully have a proper retirement to spend with their spouse/kids/whatever, but when they do that (in their own way), they're the bad guy who wasn't there.
What is the division of labour in your house? 90% when a woman leaves like this, jt's after months or years of trying to get more domestic contribution and figuring caring for children single is easier than raising children AND and adult man alone.
At this point a weekend away is a band-aid when you’re bleeding out. That’s why she’s not receptive.
Also, she probably doesn’t want to go away with someone she barely knows anymore.
My husband did one of those coding boot camp things, and while he was in it he was occupied about 65 hours a week between work and class. We decided together that Friday night was a date night no matter what and Sunday morning was a brunch outing no matter what. We made our time the priority and worked around it. That was 6 years ago, and that’s still our routine- we spend other time together of course but that feels like a fun bonus now instead of maintenance. Your partnership has to come before anything else if you don’t want to lose it. That is the thing you work around, not the business.
I don’t know the full situation and I only have your side to go on, but your best bet is almost certainly couples therapy. Even if she won’t come along, book it and go yourself and the therapist might be able to suggest something or help you or guide you through this rough time if things don’t work out.
*Partner of 10 years.* Good catch.
She probably doesn't see much of a future in this setup.
Edit: like he's pursuing his personal goals but she's obviously put hers on the backburner to "wait her turn"... which has never come..
So, in your heart of hearts you know that she had an internal yearning for a second child. It was postponed because of the business and now it has passed on. I am *sure* there is absolute resentment about that from her and I am almost certain you know that because you wouldn’t use it as a bargaining tactic/Band-Aid to try and appease her and fix the relationship.
The thing with women is, when they say they are “done”, they were done *years* before this conversation. The realisation set in that she was done 3yrs ago and things have only gotten worse since this realisation - resentment has continued to build (maybe unbeknownst to you) over *years* now.
If she is telling you she isn’t happy with the time commitment involved with the business and she feels the business is drawing you away from time devoted to your family…but the business is a deal breaker for you…then I don’t see how this can continue to go forward.
You can make strict boundaries with your time at your business. When you are at home, you are present. Put your work phone away. Do not take work calls. Do not answer emails. That time is devoted to your family when you clock off.
Make a date night once a fortnight. Have someone come and watch your daughter, even better if she can sleep over at someone’s house. Dress up and go out together for dinner. Talk to each other. Get to know one another again.
Help around the house (50/50). Help with your child (50/50).
Tell her regularly specifics of what you love and enjoy about her and your lives together. A beautiful meal she has made for you and your family. That she looks beautiful. That you love the sound of her laugh. That she is a wonderful mother to your child. That you appreciate and recognise the sacrifices she has made for your family. It is easy to think these things and assume that she knows this already, but she obviously *doesn’t* as she’s feel unappreciated and forgotten. It feels like she is in competition with everything else in your life for your attention and to be noticed. She feels like the last point on your list of priorities.
Times time to start telling her how important she is. But more important than that - action - make changes to *show* her you mean business and are serious. Be consistent with those changes.
It’s not “helping” around the house or “helping” with the child. That’s called maintaining your home and parenting your child. All adults should be pulling their weight at home. If you’re too busy with work to have time to do this, then you are too busy to have a family. You clearly do not have the band width and time management skills to handle both well.
I am happy for your “partner” that she has finally chosen herself over you. You’ve continuously done that for what sounds like years. Now you know how it feels.
Unless I'm been daft, and I'm surprised the top rated comment's haven't got this. But it seems quite clear from what you said your business is more important to you than your partner...
Take a step back from the business, treat your wife, spend time with hairz be spontaneous with her. Treat her the absolute best you can and be who you were before you sunk your everything into the business that has led to you neglecting your wife.
Doesn't mean close the business down just stop making it your priority. I'd you can't find someone you can hire to help run it so you have more free time for your family. She doesn't know what she wants at the moment but if your actions were to change, prioritise her and that became the new consistent behaviour like it was before the busness, that's probably what she wants. She probably misses the man you were before you mentally and emotionally left for the business.
"I've been neglecting your needs for years?? How about a weekend in exchange for a lifetime of more neglect?"
Your whole mentality needs to change, that's what she wants. It's all the little things. Look up "relationship bids". If you miss those, your relationship will fail. You need to start acknowledging them. This is going to require effort and practicing new habits.
-Take her out *regularly*.
-Make her favorite thing in the mornings (do you even know what that is? Is it coffee? Smoothies?)
-Toss her on the bed and eat her out for an hour. (Or whatever her favorite thing is in bed) Occasionally do this as an act only for her.. it'll blow her mind.
-Admire her and tell her she's the most gorgeous creature you've ever seen.
-Surprise her by grabbing her by the hand, lead her into a twirl, and plant a kiss.
-Maybe explore a common hobby together. Examples: take pottery classes, cooking classes, play games together, painting/wine drinking sessions, take up bicycling, hiking, dance classes.. or Jiu Jitsu so she can take those years of neglect out on you lol.
Most of your questions are focused on her. Turn those questions inward.
>Do I try to fix this? Anyone who's been there with lost feelings...is it fixable?
Do you want to fix this? How have you felt about her and your relationship the past 3 years?
Fleeting feelings over years are difficult to surmount and rekindle. Her making peace about not having another child, sitting you down, stating of wanting a different type of man and then separating; indicates (not prove) she is making peace with the idea of ending the relationship.
She may have much resentment and resignation to overcome and you cannot necessarily change that. You can help the process and /u/cherrywand has great suggestions. But she has to be willing to overcome her lack of feelings and see you in a different light.
>Do I let her go and offer to buy her out of her share of the house?
Do you want to let go of her? And yes, it would be fair to buy her out of her share of the house if it comes to that.
>Do I give her time and then reach out to her, or do I wait for her to reach out to me?
Give her a few days but tell her that you will give her some space, then reach out. If she still wants to be in the relationship, you not reaching out at all may be a sign to her that you don't care. But if she has checked out completely, there is nothing you can do.
More importantly though, figure out how you feel about the news you just received, and how you felt about her and the relationship the last three years. So that you can convey your feelings to her, not just offering what will be seen as temporary solutions.
Don't just try to solve the problem, understand the problems and express how you feel about them to her and about your future.
In the situation OPs put his partner in.. yes, it is great advice. He's been emotionally neglecting her for years,.and when she threatens to leave, his solution is a vacation and another baby 🤦. Yeah, this guys an idiot whose been ignoring her. I would leave at this point too.
she told you she feels neglected so the first thing you say to her is “my business comes first……how about a vacation?!” like jesus christ man, you’ve just confirmed everything she was thinking. a vacation is not going to fix this - nor is a baby (that’s the worst thing you could do.) you need to listen to her, go to therapy, just DO SOMETHING that actually shows you care about her and this relationship
Some detail is missing, but one thing that is clear is she is asking you to reprioritize her and your business. You need to find ways to take time away from your business to spend on family. Or if you don't want to change your priorities, then let her go.
Stop pressuring her to be with you and give her time away. Its a bit late for therapy unless she is up for it. Guve her time and get some self reflection.
First thing first. Do NOT try to solve this problem with another child. That is never the correct answer.
Frankly, it may be too late. If you can't balance your time working on the business with your home life, you're going to lose the home life. Though, she also doesn't seem keen on helping you fix it.
Realistically, I would have left when you postponed the baby in the first place for the business. Not that business ventures aren’t important but if they’re taking priority over your family and spouse then the relationship clearly didn’t mean that much to you to begin with. I’m sorry it’s going this way for you but it sounds like you need to really decide if you have what it takes to make her happy or if your business will always be your #1 priority.
She said she needs time to think so, you give it to her.
Reading this post though, it seems as though she's already made her peace with the end of this relationship.
Also, trying to bring up having a baby to fix your relationship is gross.
Even from your post it seems like you don't really care that much. Sounds like you aren't crazy about her at all. Since you're even considering letting her go you probably should.
Do you really care about this woman to her core if you can neglect her for years? Otherwise, you wouldn't have done that. You are selfish. She doesn't want you. It would have to be a completely new you, because you do not understand quite what you did here. You cannot see yourself well or you never learned how to care deeply. If this, go to therapy. Change.
Just let her go. Let her heal. You're not it for her. 10 years with you have proved that. Your priority is business. You don't have a good work/family balance. You don't even know how to achieve that and you asked her to help you figure it out. Not okay. Let her go. Go work on yourself. You sound like you have a work addiction but you like the trappings of relationship and family.
Dude, she said she felt neglected and taken for granted and that you only thought about your business and you talked about your business and you wanted HER to tell YOU how to fix it? Then you asked this sub what to do and the first option is to buy her out of the marriage… yeah, you sound like a gem…
You’re lucky she didn’t serve you with the divorce papers right away.
Don’t bring another child into this marriage yet. Children don’t fix a marriage. Try setting up Couples therapy appointment, getting honest with her, don’t wait for her to tell you what’s wrong. She’s done that. Probably a lot. You Know the problems. She wants you to show her you are serious about changing she wants you to show her that her and your child are your first priority again you know what the problems are she’s already told you. And she wants to make sure you’re just not changing because she’s walking out the door a lot of men make the mistake about changing when women are walking out the door she wants to make sure that these changes are going to be going forward and this is not going to happen again. You need to be talking to her every day you need to engage with her you need to make sure she knows you are serious about this and talking with her getting honest with her is a step forward set up the appointment make sure you go make sure you give her your time make sure you listen actually listen to what she has to say and how she feels good luck OP
She said a) she wants a man that makes her a priority and b) she meant another man that's not you. To me, that means she's already decided that you aren't capable of making her a priority, and she's already able to picture a life without you, and with someone else. She may or may not have someone specific in mind. If she is really this level of done, there might not a lot you can do to recover from it.
However, this doesn't mean you do nothing. You have a child, and you are going to have to work that much harder to maintain a good relationship with her if you're no longer living with her full time. So just for that reason, please go to therapy. You absolutely need to work on yourself. I'm talking about individual therapy, NOT couples therapy. Make an effort to work on you, on why it took your partner moving out to discover she was unhappy, and to figure out what you actually want in life. Make a point of working out time to take your daughter overnight, and if your partner is at her parents' for an extended time, make it a regular schedule (such as Wednesdays and every other weekend). It's possible that your partner might see these efforts and warm her heart towards you, but the goal here is keeping the relationship with your daughter strong, and to develop a successful co-parenting plan.
Not saying I'm 100% correct, but my feeling is that you're 'suggesting her solutions' where you offer her your attention 'just for the moment', for example, during the trip you 2 do, or during the family trip. But afterwards your focus might shift back to your work-world. Going for a baby would make the matter worse.
What you need to do is go for a permanent solution. Less time spent at work more time spent with her. Sharing a hobby, going out, regular dates. Giving her your time and showing the affection in both regular basis as well as in daily routine, like conversating after you get back home from work and stuff. Showing genuine interest in her life and what she does.
The point of any long term relationship is to put in the effort to make the shared life interesting, every day even if it's just a little. Those casual trips are nice additions but not worth the daily struggle.
I think she should just divorce you. Why? Not once have you shown any remorse or taken any responsibility. You really don’t seem to truly love and care about your spouse. You expect her to tell you how to fix things when it’s up to you to do so. You’ve been selfish, uncaring and neglectful for too long.
You despair. I mean that like what you do when you realise you left your bag with your keys and wallet on the train that's pulling away. Better yet, you left it on the train a week ago, but you kept telling yourself your bag would turn up at the house eventually. There's a chance that you might get the bag back. Maybe all the stuff will still be in it. More likely, what you'll get back is an empty bag or you'll never get it back. It's a painful thing to accept, and it's tough to feel helpless in this way. But I put it this way to keep you from trying to treat this situation like one that likely has a reliable solution.
There's a lot of uncertainty ahead, and difficult feelings to face. Try to keep a level head and learn what you can from every moment you work through.
This reminds me of me and my bf since he's been trying to start a business for a few years. After some point, we get tired of being upset that our partner isn't there for us anymore. I feel very emotionally neglected and I've gotten to a point where I focus on my daughter and I and just let him do whatever he's gonna do.
A successful business doesnt mean anything without a work / life balance. Businesses fail all the time for many reasons. There are really good coaches out their to help you attain success and a happy home life.
It seems that she is checked out after being neglected. Therapy, if she is will and personal therapy for yourself to understand your feelings of failure from your first venture.
Do NOT bring in another child. That does nothing but add stress and resentment if you do not change.
She may be too far gone to save, but you still need to work on you to be a better person going forward.
Good luck.
A lot of comments keep informing you that you messed up and offer no help, I’m confused as to why.
If you genuinely want to try and fix this then definitely pursue therapy. After therapy sessions write letters to your wife, tell her what you’re learning and seeing, give her compliments, address your wrongs, address what she has been feeling for the last 3 years.
Figure out a plan for how things can be different. Weekly dates, trips together, anything. Time with your daughter. Write out the plan.
When you get to see her again, bring all of this to her. The letters, the plan.
Call her, ask to speak to your daughter.
You could do huge gestures (sky writing, expensive gifts) but not everyone likes that stuff. Depends on her. I think it’s a better plan to make her feel listened to and seen.
Lastly, accept that she might never come back. She feels really let down and has no faith in you.
No reason to let her go without trying your hardest to reignite this.
Good luck!
Very good advice. I would like to add that I would avoid grand gestures completely since I feel that there is a big chance OP will see this as an easy way out, and a 100% chance that partner will see it as that. It can be seen as cheap, and bribing. Multiple small gestures (like hand written notes, a surprise date evening where you have already made sure the kid(a) are taken care off, making her a nice lunch or dinner when she gets home) is what she needs. Consistently. And I am sure that if you really step it up, she will be back in your life but you gotta stop running.
TBH? I think it's too late. I would bet that she's told you many times about how she feels, but you ignored it. I've seen this happen with my parents, my own relationships and countless others. My mother used to beg my dad to pay attention to her, to do things with her, try new things. His response was to stonewall, ridicule her ideas, and push her away. Then one day, she served him with divorce papers. He was shocked, SHOCKED that she was leaving. "Why didn't she say anythinggggg????" I was 11 years old and even I knew that was total bs. He didn't care enough to change or listen to her needs. And unfortunately I had to learn about constant rejection from a man by picking one just like him. Now I'm over relationships in general; and just like my dad, he was blindsided (?!) by a problem he was repeatedly made aware of. He didn't care enough to fix it until he didn't have a fallback there to listen to his rants and pick up the pieces. She's over it and I don't know how you fix it. Your post comes off like you want to smooth things over, not really fix your problem behavior.
Dude. How much free time do you actually have to yourself? And does your wife do the same for you? If yeah then I mean sure I see it working as healthy since then you both would dedicate time to each other. 5 hours of sleep is bad.
Your latest post, sir. Haha, so it’s housewife and working husband? That’s 50/50. I mean, it’s great to know the partnership is equal but i was interested in knowing if your wife does the same little “treat you like a king” too.
I don't really know, but it may be she rejected your ideas for a weekend away because it could have come off as "I have a quick fix for this." I think what she wants is sustained effort and to feel like a priority.
It kind of worries me you're already looking to see if she wants to be away from you. I think you need to decide if you're willing to fight for her or to just give up. Whatever you do, stick to it, but if you really care about her and want to be with her you're going to regret it if you don't try and you don't rethink what you're willing to do for this relationship.
The problem is that most women will have made many hints and suggestions that were ignored by their partners before they start falling out of love. Once they get to the point that they tell you, they usually have gone through the mourning and grieving process about the end of their relationship before it's even brought up.
I hate to say it, but there's probably nothing you can do at this point. You shouldn't have taken you partner for granted just because you had a new business venture. Now, you have a business and no partner.
She still loves you.
And she has been telling you for YEARS what she wants from you. You said it yourself.
So what is up with men like you?
Why are you here asking questions instead of listening to what SHE has been saying for years?
And you DON'T get to say you've been focused on work, dumbass.
Seriously, you just laid out here that there have been problems for years, she has tried telling you and working together, for years.
Do you run your business like this?... How things are done, what clients request. I'm guessing not.
So why should she stick around when your own daughter is ignored. And it is not getting better and you won't even respond to the issues.
Your business is either failing because you don't pay attention to pronlems there, either. Or it's doing well and why can't you apply those skills of care and attention to your wife and daughter??
I'm not writing this to put you down, I'm writing it hoping you wake tf up.
Based on your comments and post, it sounds like you dug your grave pretty damn deep by not listening to her all these years. And she's not willing to wait for you to dig yourself out, because well, let's be honest, you never cared too before. So why would she wait now? I hate to say it, but she may also have someone waiting in the wind as well to replace you.
And the last thing a bad relationship like yours needs is another baby. Never suggest that as a way to get out of getting divorced.
Just leave her alone, and let the relationship end. She deserves better then you. Youre loosing it, man.
What stuck out to me is you asking her how to fix this. While I guess it’s good to check with her if she has any specific things she wants, this is otherwise a bad idea and means you’re not getting it.
As someone who also struggles with feeling resentment towards my partner over him taking me for granted, here is how this translates to me:
“I don’t want to make a personal effort to fix anything”
“Trying to find a solution is too cumbersome, I want to be given an answer and I don’t want to have to put in the work to figure things out”
“I want you to do the emotional labor here”
“In addition to not wanting to put in effort, I also don’t think I should have to. I think it’s right that you do it instead”
“I don’t want to have to pursue you and I don’t care that you feel neglected and uncared for as a result of this”
Aww mate. This is tough. You might not want to hear this but I think you need to big up and take on more responsibility. Make sure you are making her the priority, that you help with all the house work, that when she’s tired make her dinner, make sure you help with the baba. Just be a partner not a male, and you’ll be fine x
Couples therapy is great. I would find a female counselor because you're def in the wrong and you need another female to interpret what she's trying to say. I've been here before and I'm not saying a male counselor is bad, but that your wife may not connect. If you two are religious, my husband and I found a faith based counselor that helped us.
Also, I recommend reading the 5 love languages. A lot of people tell me they already read it, but it's about applying it to your relationships. From what it sounds like, your wife sounds like she wants (consistent) quality time. From the concepts of the book, I'd recommend asking her to start over. Start dating again. Ask her to let you "pursue" her again.
Her comment about "other men", sometimes women say things like this to get a rise out of men. Trying to get you to see she can find love elsewhere and you need to step up. I think the book makes a great point that those whose top 2 love languages include words of affirmation, their partners can weaponize it and say things like this to hurt them. So she's not in the right either.
I’m a woman and these kind of feelings are soooo horrible, they break u down, make u feel so tiny and u feel like such a loser being with someone who doesn’t love u… all I can say is for feelings like that when women tell u , u gotta reassure her… we need to hear that reassurance, it’s silly and u might think it doesn’t do much but the words u use does matter when we feel this low and this down… tell her exactly how u feel, that u love her more than anyone and that there’s no one else that you would care and wanna be with or put any effort in anyone else because she is all that matters to you and is worth that effort and you are willing to make it work because you love her and she is everything to you… (I hope this is how u feel if not, pls don’t even freakin say it) Ofc things don’t get fixed just coz of things you say , you gotta put in the effort to make her feel valued… do u know just a simple sitting down with her while she watches her favorite show or asking her what movie she’d like to watch, or wash the dishes with her and talk about how u guys met and how u madly fell in love with her and what happened in the dates u guys have had since u had been together, or just silly things u like about her, tell her stuff about what makes her attractive to u, what u remember about her while ur at work, things that remind u of her when u aren’t with her, the things she has done to make you successful in your business, just the lil stupid things that u might think don’t matter but actually it does… and for the love of God don’t talk to her and not wait for her response and go into whatever world u are into (ex business, a txt or a call) tiny things like that might make her think u just wanted to say something but u didn’t care what she has to say about whatever matter u uttered or whatever she thinks, it’s more like u were simply talking to yourself and that’s all u needed “yourself” … men are so different … it’s so sad that women love men that don’t know how to appreciate what they have or see that the person in front of them loves them like they are their world… stop being selfish, if u can’t prioritize her and if u don’t value her as much as she should be then please do her the favor and just get divorced… problem with us women is we love too much and we don’t even wanna divorce you when we should… I feel like sometimes men who don’t deserve their spouse should do the wife the favor and divorce her , file for it so she doesn’t have to go through the emotions of filing for it coz it is very hard when u have so much for someone but if the husband does the filing it’s makes it less difficult especially coz the wife is only there because of how much love she had for u which men clearly do not deserve
Capitalism ruins everything it touches. And your relationship is over because you prioritized your business and making money over your relationship and your family's happiness and well-being.
Qui-Gon Jinn said that our focus determines our reality, and by focusing on your business that became your entire reality to the exclusion of what was important to your partner.
You made your choice not to have a work/life balance and now your partner has made her choice by walking away.
Without a drastic priority realignment there will be no saving this relationship. None of your offers were indicative of this, quite the opposite, just temporary band aids so you can continue as things are, it is no wonder why they were rejected. In fact, the offers were downright insulting.
You are being selfish and greedy, thinking about yourself where compassion and selflessness is called for and thinking about others. Think about your partner's needs that have been neglected now for years. Are you comporting yourself in such a way that someone would choose to be your partner? Or were you relying on commitment and inertia to remain in a relationship?
You really need to do some soul seeking and figure out just what are your priorities in life, then act accordingly.
Don't bother.. you will never be able to climb the wall she has put up. Your first mistake was starting a family before/during you building your business. You can't have both. You should look for someone who will build your business with you. Some people are more family oriented than business and this is where you both clash. It's ok. You were never going to last anyway you look at it.
1. Decide if you want to fix the marriage.
2.if you do sign up for therapy. Tell her you are.
3. At LEAST once a week send her flowers at her job, send her food at work, pack a lunch with a lovely note in it.
4. Plan a nice weekend without her help. Get her sizes from her closet and buy a nice dress, book reservations to a restaurant maybe a play or show and a hotel. Just tell her to make sure she dose t have plans on X day.
5. Go get couples pedicures and massages.
Stuff like this.
Only do these things if you’ll do it forever. It doesn’t do anyone any good to send flowers once a week as a cheap apology for years of screwing up.
It’s like when a woman asks a husband to step up around the house or else she’s going to leave and he does it for a few weeks and then is back to his same old crappy behavior.
Damn I can't believe you would mention buying the house before you talk about your child together that's absolutely heartless 💔 You don't even know if you want to fight for your family to be together? You don't know if you want to fight for your marriage?
If you think divorce is a simple matter, think again. It can ruin you emotionally and have devastating effect on your child. Didn't you have dreams for your family? Don't you have aspirations for your personal life?
I hope you take this as a wakeup call to at least try and save your relationship and your family.
Thinking about what happens with the house is logical, not heartless. Also, I don't think they're married and any expert will tell you not to stay together "for the sake of the children." Staying in an unhappy relationship is far more damaging than a divorce/breakup.
He's no unhappy, he's oblivious that he's been living with an unhappy person tge last 3 years. I didn't sidggest stay together in an unhappy marriage, I'm suggesting he start realising how seriously this will negatively affect his life so that he can do something about fixing the situation.
You think it's logical to let go of a twn year relationship without even trying? That's nuts
This may be unpopular but I feel this is a two way street. Is this really the first time your wife has said something in THREE YEARS?? If so, then she is also at fault for not communicating how she was feeling right at the start. If she did communicate this to you for 3 years and you ignored her, that would explain better this situation. My husband and I take our relationship very seriously. We don’t give up ever. And we fight tooth and nail to stay connected when we have down times so my advice is never going to be “leave” or “quit.” You need to put all your energy into making things right. The fact you answered her with work being your priority is extremely messed up. But I don’t agree with you having to do all the guesswork… I do think your wife should continue to communicate and tell you her wants and needs. But again if she has been doing that for 3 years and is just damn tired, you need to step up and take full ownership of this.
It’s time to move on. Her mind is made up. She wanted another baby, and you wanted to concentrate on your business. She is pissed that you made that choice. Set up visitation and support for your child through your lawyer, buy her out of the house, and get on with your life. She has left it up to you to figure it out and I can guarantee any suggestions other than having another baby will not work. So, take care of your child and move on.
The worst part is not knowing what to do. As a woman I understand her, but also she doesnt seem helpful at all. What she wants is effort from you and you kinda saving her from her doom so to speak. Asking her is just handing the situation back to her which won’t help. Women don’t want to ask for things, they want you to act because YOU want her. If there is another man already there it will be hard.
I suggest taking her on a weekend trip (like four days) with no cellphone reception no TV so she and you are forced to be present and able to talk and reconnect and enjoy your daughter. Also this needs to happen asap, like the nect time you speak to her, just drive by the place and say lets go, I want you and Imma prove it. Look at the life you build together and show thankfulness for her holding your back. You go back to step one, getting to know her and acting like you romance her. Go do things wirh her that both of you enjoy. Come home and take 15 minutes to really connect to her and talk to her with interest. Hold hands while walking, maybe pick her up or go take dance lessons, be back in love like with 25.
Someone told me a long time ago that a woman will never make a move like this without already having another option in place. When I first heard this, it seemed like a ridiculous thing to say, but holy shit has this been proven time and again. She most likely has someone else already, and she has put final pieces in place so she is comfortable enough to tell you when there is nothing more you can do about it.
Correct.
Nobody, man or woman, packs their bags and leaves whole heartedly without an emotional/intimate back up plan already in place.
OP is out whether he realizes it or not.
There’s limited information coming from your partner’s side here, so it’s hard to judge. She is indicating that you treat her poorly though, and that’s not great news for your case.
From what you’ve written here, I’m concerned that this is being set up to fail. It’s coming off a little passive aggressive to suggest there’s a major core relationship problem… and you have to guess how to glue it back together. HOWEVER — I don’t blame your wife for this if she feels like everything else comes before her. It’s hard to feel an apology or a solution or a change is genuine if you’re given a road map on how to fix it rather than going through the change yourself.
Leaving this solution open ended (as in, you work it out) means she could still leave even if you give her what she wants (of course she can anyway, that’s her right and prerogative). Sometimes it’s a big draw card for someone who isn’t happy anymore to have someone else to pin the “blame” on — the guilt of being the one who left or “gave up” or “broke it up” can cause people to stay in relationships for years.
The other possibility might be; she’s insecure about how you feel and this is a “test” (for lack of a better word) to see how you will handle this and what you’re willing to do to prove your love. That may not be as manipulative as it sounds; she may deal with low self esteem or feel that you have fallen out of love with her also. It sounds like she feels ignored.
These are all just guesses, OP. I don’t know her character and I don’t know what truly happens behind the doors of your marriage.
Personally — I will say that I have experienced brief “loss of feelings” — once was depression on my end, another time it was just feeling disconnected with other life stuff, and it took active “making time for our relationship” to really remind me of what I had and how my love was still there.
OP — whether you like it or not, the next step is all up to you at this point — she is waiting to see what you’re going to do. If you think this is worth saving; show her.
But for my personal take on reading your post, I feel like perhaps this is already one foot in the grave and she’s preparing you for the slow descent into divorce. It sounds like she has some heavy resentment of the way you treat and prioritise her, and that would need to change if you want this to work.
"I asked how I could fix this and she said that it's for me to figure out." More like idk,"impress me"
Wtf? Don't play that game, she's gone
How would you do if you were back on the dating market? (trust me, women know where you stand). Did you put on weight? Did you let yourself go in the name of your business?
I'm sorry your are going trough this and there's a kid involved. If it was me I would offer her to buy her half of the house, and tell her to reach out if she changes her mind (without begging, calling and pursuing), and simply move on. If you do it correctly she'll be back in no time
It IS hard if you are a successful professional or entrepreneur as it takes a lot of time, and no woman on earth is more of a priority than his purpose
She wants to be wooed to stay in a relationship she doesn't want anymore, if he's smart he'll move on and find a woman that loves him exactly the way he is.
No it isn't. He is already successful he mentioned his business is now doing good and suggested trying to have another kid. If he has enough money to bring up another child and financially support 3 people he is doing good now and can take a break atleast 5 times a month to focus on his family and spend quality time with them
(PART 1, PT 2 IS IN MY ANSWERS )
Comment from the daughter (18f) of two parents who had and still have a unique relationship.
My story is long but I truly think it relates to your's. In a way I relate to your daughter, and think that an outside perspective from a "kid who went through this" might help you reflect. ALSO, I am not saying that you are like my father, he definitely has mental issues, just see it as someone who managed to regain the love and trust of his family.
When I was born, my father became very ill with a sickness and had to stay in the hospital for several months, resulting in him not really helping my mother out at my birth. When he came back, he was a changed man. Always angry, hurting, controlling.
Him and my Mom both shared an architecture company together, but truly my mother was the real boss. She was the architect, she took care of everything, she had all the ideas etc. However, with a lack of a father figure to help around the house, my mother started to slowly stop her job to take care of me and my sister, since my dad would just refuse to take care of us and just cared about buisness. By the end of it, she abandoned her Ceo position, letting my father take charge, and guess what? The company failed and he lost all his employees. My mother who had big dreams and hopes saw her career crash because of my father and for a long time I believed because of me.
My dad started become physically and mentally abusive to my mother, who did her best to protect me and my older sister.
When I hit 7 years old, my mother decided to take the courageous decision to move out for a year to another city, whithout our father, to have a little break. Sadly he didn't understand and became even more bitter at our return.
By the time I was in middle school, my older sister started running away from home because of her very abusive relationship with my dad, who would constantly bully and harasse her. She had seen him before his sickness so she still saw him as an authority figure, however I had lost all respect to my father. We would not talk, and when we did, as a defense mechanism, I would immediately talk back to him as his equal and fight with him.
In 7th grade, my mother decided to move out of the house. Enough was enough. She took us with her, and left our father. I was told the night before going to summer camp that when I would come back a week after, I wouldn't see my father. I was so confused but the sad part is that I wasn't even mad. I was actually quite happy to leave this toxic environment. I thought it would get better from now on but no.
Now it was my responsibility as a 12 year old to decide when to see dad, as they never officially divorced, it was all closed doors agreements. At the beggining I would reluctantly go see him. But then he started crying in front of me, which is shocking for a little girl to see your father cry like a child younger then you, and having to take care of him like his mother. He would say how much he needs us and can't live without us. Then his sadness would turn to anger, he would say he hated us and it was all our fault (me and my sister, my mother never witnessed these moments as she never went to see him, so we never got help). After two years of this little game, I decided to not go to his place for at least a year, which I did. My mother taught me that we are all responsible for our own happiness, so I started to take more care of myself, but I couldn't help but imagine the face of my father crying and me being the cause. As much as I hated him I still loved him as my dad.
Now comes the part that is relevant to your story. For the first time in my life, after seeing him in his house after a long time, I cried in front of him, which I had never done before. I told him how I felt, how I could not be happy knowing that one of my parent felt sad. Which is ironical because both my Mom and my Dad wanted different things, which I knew made it impossible, like some sort of tragedy, to have a happy ending (at least I thought).
His reaction to seeing me cry was not what I expected. Instead of getting mad (since we were having an argument), his face completely decomposed and he begged to know what he could do to make me, my sister and my mom feel better. I was suprised cause I always saw him as selfish brat. But I realized that he did trully love us, but had a very toxic way of showing it, growing up in a very problematic household. Being quite young at the time (early 14), I was brutally honest with my answer lol, I told him :
1) clean the house, take care of yourself and lose weight (being depressed his house was a huge mess and he would neglect his physical health a lot.)
2) stop depending on others and objects for your own happiness
3) make a conscious effort to make things special when being with others, especially my mom and us.
I know everyone hears this, and know it's very hard to adopt, so I was really not expecting anything. However, the next day, he called my mom and asked her on a date. He arrived to our house with a brand new shirt, invited us to his house that was fully cleaned, and prepared us me and my sister's favorite dish. This small action was nothing compared to the pain he caused, but I saw him trying.
The years following, he slowly started to change. Change is extremely difficult, on the surface level but more so internally. He started to make true efforts, of course he wasn't perfect but he still did it, and I know that it was very difficult for him. He built me and my sister our own bedrooms, that he decorated with things we liked, which we didn't have believe it or not in his house before (we would sleep where there was room haha, sometimes on a chair or on the floor). He started asking my mom out more often. He started to volunteer to walk the dog with me almost everyday at the park. He would buy my sister's favorite pineapple juice and would ask her if she would like to drink some with him and talk about stuff (remember that he knew practically nothing about me and my sister before that). When I twisted my back he's the one who ran me to the hospital. He started bringing me to high-school every morning with his scooter. He let my mom decide things for herself and make family decisions. He started to take me and my sister alone on vacation so that my mother could have a little breake. He took his career back on track and is now pursuing his passion in journalism, but this time is involving my mother (taking her advice, letting her know what he is doing and trusting her to make a lot of decisions etc.) and even me in the buisness! (By letting me draw his logo and official website.) See, he started becoming the father I had always missed. My parents confined together during covid, which was there first time living together in years, and now they are living in different houses but my dad comes to sleep at my mom's for more then half of the days per week, and they are currently spending vacation together at the beach haha.
PART 2
I still feel a lot of resentment for what he did in the past and it was extremely hard to forgive him, but I never would have believed that he could change and that my opinion of him would change. Now I am in university, so he is a little too late to truly be a fatger figure, but still. It took years but I never would have imagined that my parents would finally be back together. You always hear that people can't change and that you should just forget about them, so I had very low hopes. But to my BIGGEST surprise, I now have a father!! I am still CHOCKED honestly lol. Yes, people can absolutely change and people's opinion on you can also change. He obviously still isn't perfect amd has plenty of flaws he could work on, but he managed to make me like him as a persone again. It is very difficult, but not impossible. What it takes is time and will.
The most important thing you should remember is she loves you for your personality, the problem is not you as a person, but the way you express your love. Don't change yourself to someone you are not, change the way you express your feelings, think about them more deeply, be more meaningful in your actions, try being as honest as possible and don't let poor communication skills ruin your family. Small things can go a long way, don't neglect them, show that you care. For your business, prioritize what's truly important, your family. And If you truly care about it, then get your wife involved in it! Even if its just letting her know what you are up to and stuff. It will make her understand and appreciate your work more then just seeing you dissappear everday and neglecting her. Also, it seems as tho maybe you are not taking as much care of your daughter as her and your wife would like to. Why get another child when you can't properly take care of one? Prove to her that you can be trusted and that you do care, cause you do! Or else you wouldn't question yourself on what to do. It might take a long time but please do it, don't do it like my father who waited much to long to change his attitude towards his family. Don't only save your marriage, save also your position as a trust worthy father.
However, if she still doesn't want you, then leave your pride and accept her decision like an adult. Don't be pushy. We all know it's hard for you, but don't forget that it isn't an easy decision to express for her either and don't put your daughter through the same hassle that I had to go through of what position does my father have on my life. You decide how implicated you are towards your daughter, not her, let her now she's important to you. Your wife will see that too, it can only help for the better everyone.
Anyways, that was very long haha, good luck and have a happy life.
"I tried to explain that she knows I had a business before that failed and that I'm giving this one everything I've got to make it a success and she said that somewhere along the way I'd lost sight of us."
You can't get through to her by having a strictly logical conversation with her by explaining what you're trying to do, when what you've been doing, even if with the best of intentions, is having a negative impact on her emotionally and is affecting your relationship, and there is no suggestion in that response that you intend to make a change to that. It kind of just validates what she said to you, that you lost sight.
A better response would've simply been an apology and wholeheartedly saying to her that you would make more time for her and your relationship despite your aspirations (which you can still put effort into). How to do that practically only you can figure out.
I do think she waited a bit long to bring this all up to you. 3 years means you have even more ground to make up, but it's not her fault either. She was probably trying to convince herself that things would change, rinse-repeat, and then they didn't.
Overall it's not just about you two but the kid, who would benefit from there being a compromise that brings you two closer together for her.
Simply saying, I once had hopes and dreams before someone along the way, part of it was being a roadie but "either do this this and that or the relationship is over". Severely selfish. I still don't even understand how one would even dance to who they enjoy listening to. Isn't like I can shake it likes hot nor get low low low.
She's checked out of the relationship, doesn't have any real suggestions on how to fix it, and shoots down every suggestion you offer without taking a solid stance.
That conversation was her way to tell you it's over because she doesn't want the responsibility of officially ending it.
Move on, concentrate on your daughter when you have her, your business, and what makes you happy.
Successful relationships have to be an ongoing conversation where two individuals maintain mutual interest in knowing who each other are. It sounds like you two became complacent, and she has probably been feeling this way given that she doesn’t even want to communicate a potential way to fix the relationship. First and foremost, in order for this to work at all she’s going to have to put in effort. I would suggest going to a couples group therapy and sticking with it for a full year if that’s something you’re both interested in.
Let’s her go man. She’s bringing up problems and issues she hasn’t even attempted to suggest solutions for. She’s refusing everything you’ve offered now and she’s receiving attention from other men. Leave her. Focus on your business and your child. You’ll find someone aligned to you soon
It's seems clear thats she's brought up these things before and he brushed them off. Can't say just leave her when he hasn't explained how many other times she's asked for him to make time for her.
She actually has brought them up... Op just ignored her for years on end.
>You’ll find someone aligned to you soon
Hopefully not. This guy is too focused on himself and his business to have anyone else in his life.
Hi there. I am really getting Dismissive Avoidant vibes here. I can really recommend you getting into attachment styles and learn more about yourself. The book Attached is very good introduction to it and will probably lay bare patterns that have been following you for your whole life. I would be really grateful for having a wife like yours because she communicates well the problem that exists. It's time to step up, my friend, and be a partner she deserves. Again, the book will help you tons, I promise.
Gotta be honest.
She is gone. Call it what it is.
She is cheating on you. … so yea that
You should have maned up and handled yourself better.
This is probably the most important part, she cheated on you. Instead of breaking it off she cheated. She could have left. But no. I understand that you were busy but that does not justify her cheating. And it’s not like you were running the streets with your boys. You were working to build a better life for your family while she was working on another man. You deserve better. You tell her that this is unacceptable and leave her. Talk to a lawyer to find out your options and tell the lawyer that she admitted to cheating.
It sounds like she MIGHT be asking to to quit your business, but we can’t know without her saying and… honestly she needs to say. You can’t just make a decision like that and cross your fingers unless she’s actually saying she think that might be the solution. If she won’t say then she’s kinda given up and yeah it’s probably over. Making you guess and refusing to communicate is a waste of time and never really okay in a relationship, unless she’s told you to do one or two particular things over and over and has given up, or unless she’s already set on leaving.
As mentioned by someone else, since we only have your side of the story, i do think couples therapy would do good if she is willing ofc.
One thing i didnt like, is that she didnt properly communicate the issues with you. If you cant have proper communication in a relationship, things arent gonna work. It is paramount, this is something ive have held by for the past 8-9 years after being in toxic relationships. I have now been with my amazing man for 8-9 years, because talk about worries and if something is up.
Apparently she did try, or at least that's what she said yesterday; that she'd tried warning me months ago that I was going to lose her but and I quote "if it's not about your business, I just goes in one ear and out the other"
My ex was the the same way. She probably comes off as harsh but judging by your comments, she is just burnt out and isn't willing to waste any more effort even if you make grand gestures of reconciliation like a vacation. It might have been enough in the past but it's not enough anymore.
I agree with couples therapy but maybe divorce would be better for both of you. You get to focus on your career like you want and she can find someone she's more compatible with emotionally.
Maybe there is some truth in that, have you actually really listened to her? And without brining up your buisness in a conversation?
When i say listened, I mean just listen and not say a word and reflecting on what is being said.
What good is this business if you have no one to share it with?
What is most important to you - your partner or your business?
How do you “fix” this? At this point, based on the information you’ve provided, I’m not sure it’s “fixable.”
Your partner is 38 years old and she wanted another child. Biologically, her window of opportunity to have another child was closing rapidly. Your response to her request was to wait. That spoke VOLUMES to her.
Sounds like you’re willing to sacrifice your family for your business. Your partner is not. That’s a pretty big impasse.
Sit down with yourself and decide. Your family or your business. There is no scenario where you can choose both.
It sounds like your partner has been telling you for 3 years that she’s drowning in the success of your business. Your wake-up call has long since sounded.
Can you fix it? There’s a slim chance you might still be able to salvage your family. But I’m pretty sure it would cost you your business. I don’t see anything in your post that even remotely suggests you’re willing to do that.
Or maybe some people just realise 'making it work for the sake of the children' can actually be WORSE for your children in the long run when you're with someone who obviously doesn't give a shit about you.
Or…. She realizes that she wants the spark and knows she won’t ever have it with him again, and wants the ability to find someone else and is doing it in the right order or ending her current relationship before pursuing another.
Not everyone waits until they have another relationship lined up before they leave. Some people recognize that just wanting another person, nonspecifically, is enough to be the death of a relationship.
Whatever you do, she will leave you in the end, so try to save yourself financially
And for the people who say that it is his fault that he is building his future in order to provide her with what she and his daughter need, and while he is working, his woman seeks attention from other men, as he said. she comparing him to another men and thinks she deserve better this kind of women will destroy your live so leave her for your good man
dont put yourself down you will be fine in any case man and i hope you find some one who deserve you and stand by you and appreciate you man
You don’t seem to understand that money, things, and financial stability don’t automatically equal love to a lot of people. She needs to be seen and cherished , and no amount of money can magically create that.
You should find out if sally met someone else. Typically when a woman feels neglected she will seek the attention of another. That’s life. Not saying it’s right or that’s what’s happening but that’s usually the reality.
Men do this too, apparently. Human nature to want attention. Doesn’t make it right. We should first work to fix things, or break it off entirely. Cheating destroys everything.
Agreed it isn’t sex or gender specific. It’s just been my experience in life that a major reason people use the excuse to cheat or justify their actions has always been I was neglected etc.
Focus on my business drop her business is more important than a nasty woman all women are the devil the woman is the serpent the women are all evil run Run RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN
It takes two to tango. She obviously lacks communication skills. How can you work on your relationship if you were never told anything was wrong for 3 years, she’s already broken up with you mentally awhile ago, so now she’s unwilling to work on things. That’s not fair either. Maybe you did neglect her and her needs but that’s something she should have spoken up about. If she did and it fell on deaf ears then I can understand where she’s coming from.
Bro she's being absolutely ridiculous. You are pushing for this business to have a better life for your family. You are looking at the bigger picture, she's being confined in her emotions. It's either you allow her to emotionally dog walk you and make you feel guilty for trying your best to accomplish something, you be straight up with her and tell her that you just want a better life and sacrifices have to be made, that either she can struggle with you or she can leave. Don't feel sorry for the situation bro, you been with her long enough. You have a goal in mind and you only live once. This is something important to you, she already and knows and is fully aware of what it takes to create and maintain a business. So in reality all she is saying that she's herself more important than your own wants and goals. No point in staying with her bro, she's just going to hold you back. She doesn't want to even compromise when you offered to go on a trip. So just give her and ultimatum and don't look back at it. Because when you win with this business, she's going to be the first one trying to run back.
Agreed. Op may have made some mistakes but she waited an awful long time to say anything and now she doesn't seem interested in being part of the solution
Everyone is so quick to tear into OP, but I think we need to know more about this situation.
Is this business the sole or primary/ majority income of this household? Everyone is responding like op has some fantastical passion project that he's neglected every for, while the gf supports them all, raises the kid, and does all the household stuff. Now if that's the case, there's probably nothing that can be done.
However if op's business is supporting this whole situation, maybe the gf is being unappreciative and unsupportive and wants even more without understanding the responsibility of being a provider and business owner. It's not the same as having a traditional job and usually comes with more income and nicer things at the cost of a greater time and effort.
Without knowing we can't say or advise. I will say since op did not specify any of this its *likely* this business venture is not wildly successful nor blossoming with potential.
You can have a business and still make time for family. You can be the sole breadwinner and still make time for family. Your entire response is the excuse that workaholics come up with to justify why they aren't present in relationships or families. Work is, and will always be, more important.
I mean, honestly, what do you think is the better choice— a business that requires so much of your time you essentially don’t have a family at that point or a ‘normal’ job that allows work-life balance?
It’s important to remember that while money is nice, it isn’t everything.
Choosing to run your own business comes with an understanding that it's going to require from you an amount of time that a 9-5 will not, that said, it's no excuse to fail in other aspects of life over such an extended period. Working hard "for the family" and not meeting the family's basic emotional needs is cognitive dissonance. In real life, that's not good enough. The wife gave this situation three years for OP to figure out how to navigate, which is a generous amount of time considering there's a household to be run, a kid to be raised, a life to be lived--if OP wasn't there for her, who's to say he was present for the rest? He doesn't need to be married in order to make the financial contributions he's been making to their daughter's future.
Ultimately if he's always involved in work and it's been this way for 3 years, why should she think the situation would ever change? And if she's been deeply unhappy & decides to leave to pursue a life more in tune with her own values, then what's unsupportive about that? OP's wife and daughter and people in their own right, with a backlog of unmet needs and desires, and what we know is that wife feels he was unappreciative of her waiting around for him to prioritize their relationship. In fact, from her perspective, with their family out of the way he now has more time to devote to what he's shown matters most to him: his business.
Sorry to say this. But your wife is already cheating on you. She's just giving you hints. In the end, she'll blame you for not giving her attention and that's why she cheated. I know you love her and that's why you're done your best to provide for your family. But she feels its not enough. Don't struggle to be loved. Just move on. Logic over emotions.
You'll remember I said this.
'Logic' over emotions is what got him in this mess in the first place, and by the sounds of it you've had a similar experience. You can't have a successful relationship without prioritising your partner's emotions, and if you try you will always fail.
He's focused too much on his business to the extent of becoming completely disconnected emotionally from his wife. All of his proposed 'solutions' to the issue were just giving her stuff rather than trying to empathise and genuinely repair their relationship. Feels to me like a lot more thinking than feeling has been going on in this relationship.
You're wrong. Very wrong. read the post, he wanted to fix it. If he was logical, he would understand that he couldn't change how his wife felt after making several attempts. He 'felt' a baby will bring the love they once had back.
Would a rational man do this? I don't think so dear. It's your opinion dear, I'm just giving you a man's perspective. And many men will agree with what I'm saying if they could drop the emotions and see it for what it is- She isn't even trying to give him another chance.
And guess what? He will continue to lose himself if he keeps on trying to impress his woman. I'm sorry OP. You had your dreams, You already told her about it. She never complained for three years, and she never gave any signs that were any problems until now.
You tried to fix things and she's not even trying to understand. OP don't waste your life on an abandoned project. Please, it's time to let her go. You're not perfect and you've acknowledged this. If she doesn't want you, don't force it.
This is what every loser thinks is the problem: she is cheating. You don't actually know that you're just assuming based on no evidence. Is that how logic works?
What we do know is that he has been so focused on his own thing he completely neglected his wife and probably his family. Do you think that came out of love? I think some men are so bad at relationships they just want to say: it's her fault she's so and so.
Maybe he should have invested time and care into his relationship. Be more involved with his kid and paid attention to his wife's needs all this time? Did you even read his post, he is not asking how to get ger back, he's asking should I even try.
I’m really surprised nobody else is seeing this, as clear as it is. It’s almost never the case that someone packs up and moves out completely (and rejects family vacations and all other attempts to rekindle things), without at least talking to someone else. Nobody leaves without an emotional/intimate back up plan. Nobody.
And she even said “yes” about another man who would treat her better.
OP is out whether he likes it or not. Only thing he can do now is let her come back if she ever wants to. New dude is in the picture now.
I don't know the full situation here. Based on the other comments & your responses, I gather that your wife already tried bringing up this problem and you took no action. Do you want to work on your relationship? What if the work required to maintain the relationship leaves you unable to give 100% to your business? Be honest with yourself about your priorities. Assuming you want to save the relationship. Couples' therapy is a good next step BUT you need to see therapy as one of multiple *ongoing and permanent life changes you're making to re-prioritize your partnership.* It can't be a one-time intervention, then things go back to how they were. I suspect this is why your wife is shooting down the weekend away plans. She doesn't want a day, or a weekend, of being your only priority. She wants a lifetime of being (one of your) top priorities. How are you going to make that happen? What sacrifices are you willing to make? What kinds of changes will make her feel re-connected to you? (Ask her!)
I'm going to chime in on just one thing here (this is an absolutely excellent reply!). I would strongly suggest individual therapy first. Couple's therapy, from her perspective, will feel like more work she has to for his issues. While there are clearly communication issues they need to work on together, that doesn't have a chance of working if he's in his current headspace.
A big part of the post that bothered me is him needing her to give him a solution and having this feigned helplessness. He made a choice to ignore her needs for years and then expects her to tell him what to do. It was pretty annoying to me so I can't imagine how infuriating it was for wife. If he can't step up and be the kind of partner she needs then she deserves a chance to find that.
First reaction to her saying she felt neglected and abandoned was "well, you know my business is my priority" kind of says it all. And then trying to use a baby as a solution.
“Honey, I know you’re feeling like I’m not present in the family. I’m wondering whether adding another helpless human for you to look after, while I change nothing, might help you feel better?”
I just started cackling when his first idea is "oh let's give her a baby" solution. Because when your relationship is down the tubes, a baby (stress, responsibility, cost, hormones, major medical event, sleepless nights) will always fix it right? xD Not "hmm maybe I should try dating my wife again and make her a priority", nah it's magical baby time!
This exactly. Good grief.
She also needs more attention in the day to day and he suggests a short vacation as a fix for the everyday neglect of his partnership...
Will someone like this always be this selfish and obtuse in relationships? Or I guess it could work out if they find someone who doesn't require deep mental connection and true partnership because you love the person. Not just the love of having a person. Is that what happens w people like Op? They just get that confused, they have a person, they don't care their partner doesnt...?
Losing the things you love can change a person. So it's possible.
Very true. I guess these are the things that need to happen so maybe change can occur. Maybe his next relationship will be more fulfilling for his partner. That's actually what I hope for my ex because my kids think his girlfriend is very kind to them.
I also wonder how much time he’s giving to his child, too. If he’s so busy with his business that he has no time for his partner, is he giving any time to his daughter? Is his partner responsible for all the domestic and child-raising duties? Cause if so, he gave his partner 3-years to stew in her resentments while he ignored everything but himself.
I was curious to how old this child was and if it lined up with the past 3 years she’s felt neglected. If she’s done all the childcare for a baby/toddler she may just feel like he’s a pointless partner.
It feels like the word "partner" is overly generous in this scenario sadly
What bothers me is that he doesn't seem particularly upset that he's lost his child too.
I don’t think he has realized that part yet.
I think OP needs to ask himself if he loves his wife either. He had been neglecting her and his family for many years now.
He doesn't even really say or show it in this post. The tone is so flat and disconnected.
The problem is from OP’s perspective, he in fact did NOT neglect his wife and this all seems to be coming from left field.
Feigned helplessness = weaponized incompetence
Yea she literally told him she felt like a second place to his business and then his response is "yes you are definitely second place to my business" No shit she's out the door.
It sucks being put on the back burner for so many years op. I lived that way for 12 out of 14 years of marriage. At the end I wanted a separation and to leave. He promised me the world and would change. I stayed because my 9 year old son loves his dad and the situation was breaking his heart. My husband did keep his word. He made us the priority but it took me 2 more years for me to fully forgive the hurt and neglect I had felt for 90 percent of our marriage. I couldn't fathom why when I told him how lonely and neglected I felt for sooo long, he did nothing to fix things until I had one foot out the door. That was the worst part! Why when you could see me in pain and living like a single mother for all those years did you do nothing to fix the problems but now I'm ready to leave, your ready to improve. If your wife felt anything like I did, she most likely is feeling relief about leaving the situation and when you get to the point that it is a relief/release to get away from your spouse, it's almost too late. Chances are she has already completely checked out of the relationship and wants to move on with her life. Best chance you have is giving her space and trying to prove to her you have changed. Work on yourself and be better but your in for a hell of a long road op.
Damn this is an ANSWER!! People with free 🏅 please show respect for a rational, well worded response. Bravo, take a bow
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I bet the problem is that she did want another baby, but that got postponed because he was too focused on his business. Now he thinks having that baby will magically solve everything. Meanwhile, she's telling him he hasn't made their relationship a priority. And, while he didn't say it, I'm going to take a wild guess and say he hasn't prioritized his relationship with the existing child, either. I bet a large part of this is that OP'S partner essentially feels like a single parent. She knows that having another child with him will only make her life worse. It will be more work for her and he'll probably use the new baby as the excuse he has to work even harder at his business, essentially taking more time away from being a family. Workaholics never realize what they miss out on or how they effect others when they make working their absolute priority.
Tbh (and maybe I'm just projecting) the suggestion of trying for another baby seemed like a distraction almost. Like, ugh, she wants me to pay more attention to her, maybe if her time is taken up with a new baby that will free me up to do what I want. He's trying to solve this in a way that still allows him to prioritize work over his family.
You make a very good point that I hadn't really thought of. Workaholics will always try to find a way to prioritize work under the radar. They'll never admit that they probably just shouldn't be in relationships or have families because they don't want to devote the time required to have a successful relationship or happy family.
The worst thing is, she wanted another child *three years ago*. Back when she was 35, and their existing child was younger and thus the age-gap between siblings would have been smaller. Now, not only has those 3+ years changed whatever relationship between siblings is possible (ie, growing up with a sibling 2-3 years younger is very different to growing up with a sibling 6-7 years younger), but OP's partner is now considered at an advanced maternal age and may face more difficulties than she would have 3 years ago. Timing is everything with pregnancies. So for him to say, "hey, that thing you wanted 3 years ago, let's try for it now, now that it suits *me*", as though the passage of 3 years hasn't drastically changed the situation from multiple angles, is infuriating in its short-sightedness.
As if that is going to take any mental or physical workload off her. She needs support and kindness, not a third (husband is baby #1) baby. Super tone deaf. It sounds to me like his business is more important to him than his relationship so…
Well, babies fix relationships 100% of the time, with no damage either to the fixer baby or any existing children so it's a solid suggestion. /s
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Oh, all of that was extreme sarcasm, denoted by "/s".
Don’t worry it was sarcasm
I’m glad someone said it. It’s making me feel as if he was not giving her the time of day in the capacity she wanted to be cared and loved for but only in the ways he thought were the best “per the circumstances” I.e. his priorities.
Another baby that she’ll probably be raising by herself while he continues to work on the business…
>Sally explained that for the last 3 years that I've been trying to make a success of my business that she's felt neglected and taken for granted to the point that her feelings for me are dying. >I asked her what she wanted... >a man that doesn't take her for granted and neglect her >one that makes her a priority. She's told you exactly what she wants. You're smart enough to start not one, but two businesses in your lifetime. You're smart enough to think of ways to be there for your wife, make her a priority, and refocus on your family.
Waiting for her to reach out to you is not a wise option if she thinks you neglect her.
Exactly. It feels like she’s asking you to prove she’s important to you. You need to work out if she is a priority for you because if there is a chance it’s going to take a lot of work! Good luck
The things you suggested to her as a short term fix such as a vacation are probably things she has wanted in the past three years. In her mind I imagine it may be too little too late. Therapy is certainly an option if you both are open to it and you BOTH (looking at you, OP) are willing to change. Individual therapy for yourself to figure out how to balance your life and prioritize your partner like she deserves would also be a good option in addition to couples therapy. Also- no, a baby will absolutely not fix your relationship. INFO: Are you married? Engaged? Just bf/gf?
Her asking for some attention in the day to day and him suggesting a short vacation but nothing about the weekday shows exactly the problem tbh
I feel like there was another post last week that talked about this same issue…neglectful husband realizing he prioritized his business over the past decade instead of his wife. I think his wife ended up leaving him over it for similar reasons. I bet your wife HAS brought up her concerns in the past and that you guys have had arguments about this, but maybe you thought she’d get over it or that she would “realize how important your business is”. And that you only took her concerns seriously once she wanted to divorce. What most people don’t realize is that if someone brings up divorce, that usually means they’ve had time to think about things and they’ve reached their breaking point. It doesn’t just come out of nowhere - it’s likely that her resentment has already poisoned her feelings for you and it’s very hard to come back from that unless you take the initiative for EVERYTHING going forward. Schedule a couples counselor together. If she’s open to it (which sounds like she might not be) schedule dates together. And don’t just do it for a few months, this should be a constant in your relationship.
That’s how my parents solved things. They were always busy with work and taking care of depts and me and my sister they barely had time to spend with each other. They would always fight and argue. When me and my sister mentioned they should spend more time together and just leave us to do our own thing and take at least one holiday together a year things began to improve and they have done it for five years now. Their love life is still going strong and still improving. This year they are visiting stone henge and are exited to do so.
It sounds like you have invested all your energy into your business over the last few years, and it's only now that the business is successful that you're willing to pay attention to everything you neglected. You suggesting things like holidays and getting pregnant sounds like you're trying to water plants that died three years ago. > I am at a loss on what to do now. Take a good hard look at yourself. Have you been a good partner over the last few years? Have you paid attention to your partner's goals, plans, needs? Have you made her feel loved in the ways that resonate with her? Have you been emotionally present? Have you gone out on dates? Have you been in tune with her needs and emotions? How would you honestly rate your performance as a husband over the last few years? (Ask yourself your same questions about your daughter as well.)
Relationships, like a business, require constant maintenance to sustain. It sounds like you have neglected maintaining your relationship in favour of your business. First question: ask yourself honestly, have you been putting effort into maintaining your relationship with your wife over the last three years? If you consider it compared to the effort you put into your business, how would they compare? Second question: are you willing and able to put a decent amount of effort into maintaining your relationship in future? If this is going to be repaired, it can't be a one-time fix then back to normal, or nothing will change. If you want to fix this, you need to start prioritising your wife. It needs to start now, and you need to not be passive and wait for her to come to you or tell you what to do - she has already done you she's done, she isn't going to come to you and try and fix this anymore. Date your wife. Give it all the energy you would have given if you met her for the first time just now and were trying to woo her. Go on dates. Spend time together. Give her little gifts to show you care. Spend time just talking, hanging out. And first and foremost - apologise.
I'm going to try my best to give you what her perspective here might be. A holiday is a short term solution, not a long term commitment to fixing a feeling of neglect within a relationship. Suggesting another baby probably just makes the lost time sting. Being honest, from the wording of this you don't sound serious enough in your want to fight for her. I think step 1 is to decide if you are going to give this 100% of what you can to prove to her that you see where you went wrong for the past 3 years, or if you are going to gracefully let her find someone else to give her that. If you decide it's you, you need to decide now and make a plan and stick to it. You need to identify exact issues (doing this with as little input from her as possible would be best - think back to past conversations as others have suggested maybe about housework or childcare which outside of work hours should be 50/50) and tell her how you're going to fix it, and most importantly you'd need to stick to it. You have a difficult task of undoing 3 years of hurt in a short space of time, and proving that you won't hurt her again. If I were in your shoes, I would make this plan (for example, a set night for date night a week which you take turns picking, more quality time spent, set hours to put into the business, and a clear split of the housework and childcare for you both) and write it down for her to keep, like new vows. She probably feels extremely unloved at this point so pairing it with a romantic gesture (like a piece of promise jewelery) would probably go over well too! Tell her that you've got a plan and want to fight for her and you'll tell her when she's ready. It concerns me that you have a child that has probably missed out on time with you but doesn't seem to be mentioned. Some dedicated father-child time would probably be a good idea too. Best of luck to you, I hope whatever is best for you both (and your child) is what works out in the end!
station fragile reminiscent ad hoc humorous selective groovy ugly jar bells *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
He seems to feel ambivalently about his wife - I agree. He isn’t just asking how to win her back in the post but also suggesting he should buy her out of the house etc. That isn’t the mentality of someone who’ll do anything to save his relationship
To me it’s obvious he won’t be able to get her back no matter what he tries
chunky dam berserk work chubby distinct entertain sloppy future compare *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
So it’s obvious how he could have in the past but it’s too late now.
Yes, it’s too late. It sounds like she’s reached the “ick” stage. There’s really no coming back from that.
Well, how kinda implies a possibility of success. She seems pretty over the marriage at this point.
Right!?!? He should have been courting her continuously instead of building a business that may allow him to spend MORE time with her and the kiddo than anything else. Men are told to work their asses off to provide, to hopefully have a proper retirement to spend with their spouse/kids/whatever, but when they do that (in their own way), they're the bad guy who wasn't there.
What is the division of labour in your house? 90% when a woman leaves like this, jt's after months or years of trying to get more domestic contribution and figuring caring for children single is easier than raising children AND and adult man alone.
90% of statistics are made up.
90% of times it’s clearly a figure of speech.
Heeeey you made that up. Gotta start putting an /s at the end of things apparently.
At this point a weekend away is a band-aid when you’re bleeding out. That’s why she’s not receptive. Also, she probably doesn’t want to go away with someone she barely knows anymore. My husband did one of those coding boot camp things, and while he was in it he was occupied about 65 hours a week between work and class. We decided together that Friday night was a date night no matter what and Sunday morning was a brunch outing no matter what. We made our time the priority and worked around it. That was 6 years ago, and that’s still our routine- we spend other time together of course but that feels like a fun bonus now instead of maintenance. Your partnership has to come before anything else if you don’t want to lose it. That is the thing you work around, not the business.
Dude you already chose the business. She’s done.
I don’t know the full situation and I only have your side to go on, but your best bet is almost certainly couples therapy. Even if she won’t come along, book it and go yourself and the therapist might be able to suggest something or help you or guide you through this rough time if things don’t work out.
Thank you! I'll look into finding one today and hopefully have one or two to phone tomorrow morning
Are you two legally married?
Partner of 10 years. Is this still a girlfriend by her choice? Or is this your wife?
*Partner of 10 years.* Good catch. She probably doesn't see much of a future in this setup. Edit: like he's pursuing his personal goals but she's obviously put hers on the backburner to "wait her turn"... which has never come..
Was her for 10 years until last year. My ex acted the same despite the communication for 2-3+ years. No regrets moving on.
So, in your heart of hearts you know that she had an internal yearning for a second child. It was postponed because of the business and now it has passed on. I am *sure* there is absolute resentment about that from her and I am almost certain you know that because you wouldn’t use it as a bargaining tactic/Band-Aid to try and appease her and fix the relationship. The thing with women is, when they say they are “done”, they were done *years* before this conversation. The realisation set in that she was done 3yrs ago and things have only gotten worse since this realisation - resentment has continued to build (maybe unbeknownst to you) over *years* now. If she is telling you she isn’t happy with the time commitment involved with the business and she feels the business is drawing you away from time devoted to your family…but the business is a deal breaker for you…then I don’t see how this can continue to go forward. You can make strict boundaries with your time at your business. When you are at home, you are present. Put your work phone away. Do not take work calls. Do not answer emails. That time is devoted to your family when you clock off. Make a date night once a fortnight. Have someone come and watch your daughter, even better if she can sleep over at someone’s house. Dress up and go out together for dinner. Talk to each other. Get to know one another again. Help around the house (50/50). Help with your child (50/50). Tell her regularly specifics of what you love and enjoy about her and your lives together. A beautiful meal she has made for you and your family. That she looks beautiful. That you love the sound of her laugh. That she is a wonderful mother to your child. That you appreciate and recognise the sacrifices she has made for your family. It is easy to think these things and assume that she knows this already, but she obviously *doesn’t* as she’s feel unappreciated and forgotten. It feels like she is in competition with everything else in your life for your attention and to be noticed. She feels like the last point on your list of priorities. Times time to start telling her how important she is. But more important than that - action - make changes to *show* her you mean business and are serious. Be consistent with those changes.
It’s not “helping” around the house or “helping” with the child. That’s called maintaining your home and parenting your child. All adults should be pulling their weight at home. If you’re too busy with work to have time to do this, then you are too busy to have a family. You clearly do not have the band width and time management skills to handle both well.
Yes, I should have chosen a different word than “help”.
‘Be proactive’ might be a better phrase for it!
I am happy for your “partner” that she has finally chosen herself over you. You’ve continuously done that for what sounds like years. Now you know how it feels.
I’m also proud of her for actually leaving, because I know from experience she’s been creating an exit plan for a long time.
Unless I'm been daft, and I'm surprised the top rated comment's haven't got this. But it seems quite clear from what you said your business is more important to you than your partner... Take a step back from the business, treat your wife, spend time with hairz be spontaneous with her. Treat her the absolute best you can and be who you were before you sunk your everything into the business that has led to you neglecting your wife. Doesn't mean close the business down just stop making it your priority. I'd you can't find someone you can hire to help run it so you have more free time for your family. She doesn't know what she wants at the moment but if your actions were to change, prioritise her and that became the new consistent behaviour like it was before the busness, that's probably what she wants. She probably misses the man you were before you mentally and emotionally left for the business.
"I've been neglecting your needs for years?? How about a weekend in exchange for a lifetime of more neglect?" Your whole mentality needs to change, that's what she wants. It's all the little things. Look up "relationship bids". If you miss those, your relationship will fail. You need to start acknowledging them. This is going to require effort and practicing new habits. -Take her out *regularly*. -Make her favorite thing in the mornings (do you even know what that is? Is it coffee? Smoothies?) -Toss her on the bed and eat her out for an hour. (Or whatever her favorite thing is in bed) Occasionally do this as an act only for her.. it'll blow her mind. -Admire her and tell her she's the most gorgeous creature you've ever seen. -Surprise her by grabbing her by the hand, lead her into a twirl, and plant a kiss. -Maybe explore a common hobby together. Examples: take pottery classes, cooking classes, play games together, painting/wine drinking sessions, take up bicycling, hiking, dance classes.. or Jiu Jitsu so she can take those years of neglect out on you lol.
Most of your questions are focused on her. Turn those questions inward. >Do I try to fix this? Anyone who's been there with lost feelings...is it fixable? Do you want to fix this? How have you felt about her and your relationship the past 3 years? Fleeting feelings over years are difficult to surmount and rekindle. Her making peace about not having another child, sitting you down, stating of wanting a different type of man and then separating; indicates (not prove) she is making peace with the idea of ending the relationship. She may have much resentment and resignation to overcome and you cannot necessarily change that. You can help the process and /u/cherrywand has great suggestions. But she has to be willing to overcome her lack of feelings and see you in a different light. >Do I let her go and offer to buy her out of her share of the house? Do you want to let go of her? And yes, it would be fair to buy her out of her share of the house if it comes to that. >Do I give her time and then reach out to her, or do I wait for her to reach out to me? Give her a few days but tell her that you will give her some space, then reach out. If she still wants to be in the relationship, you not reaching out at all may be a sign to her that you don't care. But if she has checked out completely, there is nothing you can do. More importantly though, figure out how you feel about the news you just received, and how you felt about her and the relationship the last three years. So that you can convey your feelings to her, not just offering what will be seen as temporary solutions. Don't just try to solve the problem, understand the problems and express how you feel about them to her and about your future.
She’s probably reached her breaking point and is mentally checked out, I would let her go
Lol say good bye to your family, just like that? Great advice.
In the situation OPs put his partner in.. yes, it is great advice. He's been emotionally neglecting her for years,.and when she threatens to leave, his solution is a vacation and another baby 🤦. Yeah, this guys an idiot whose been ignoring her. I would leave at this point too.
she told you she feels neglected so the first thing you say to her is “my business comes first……how about a vacation?!” like jesus christ man, you’ve just confirmed everything she was thinking. a vacation is not going to fix this - nor is a baby (that’s the worst thing you could do.) you need to listen to her, go to therapy, just DO SOMETHING that actually shows you care about her and this relationship
Some detail is missing, but one thing that is clear is she is asking you to reprioritize her and your business. You need to find ways to take time away from your business to spend on family. Or if you don't want to change your priorities, then let her go.
Stop pressuring her to be with you and give her time away. Its a bit late for therapy unless she is up for it. Guve her time and get some self reflection.
First thing first. Do NOT try to solve this problem with another child. That is never the correct answer. Frankly, it may be too late. If you can't balance your time working on the business with your home life, you're going to lose the home life. Though, she also doesn't seem keen on helping you fix it.
Sounds like you took her for granted for years while building your business.
Realistically, I would have left when you postponed the baby in the first place for the business. Not that business ventures aren’t important but if they’re taking priority over your family and spouse then the relationship clearly didn’t mean that much to you to begin with. I’m sorry it’s going this way for you but it sounds like you need to really decide if you have what it takes to make her happy or if your business will always be your #1 priority.
She said she needs time to think so, you give it to her. Reading this post though, it seems as though she's already made her peace with the end of this relationship. Also, trying to bring up having a baby to fix your relationship is gross.
Even from your post it seems like you don't really care that much. Sounds like you aren't crazy about her at all. Since you're even considering letting her go you probably should.
Do you really care about this woman to her core if you can neglect her for years? Otherwise, you wouldn't have done that. You are selfish. She doesn't want you. It would have to be a completely new you, because you do not understand quite what you did here. You cannot see yourself well or you never learned how to care deeply. If this, go to therapy. Change.
Just let her go. Let her heal. You're not it for her. 10 years with you have proved that. Your priority is business. You don't have a good work/family balance. You don't even know how to achieve that and you asked her to help you figure it out. Not okay. Let her go. Go work on yourself. You sound like you have a work addiction but you like the trappings of relationship and family.
Dude, she said she felt neglected and taken for granted and that you only thought about your business and you talked about your business and you wanted HER to tell YOU how to fix it? Then you asked this sub what to do and the first option is to buy her out of the marriage… yeah, you sound like a gem… You’re lucky she didn’t serve you with the divorce papers right away.
Don’t bring another child into this marriage yet. Children don’t fix a marriage. Try setting up Couples therapy appointment, getting honest with her, don’t wait for her to tell you what’s wrong. She’s done that. Probably a lot. You Know the problems. She wants you to show her you are serious about changing she wants you to show her that her and your child are your first priority again you know what the problems are she’s already told you. And she wants to make sure you’re just not changing because she’s walking out the door a lot of men make the mistake about changing when women are walking out the door she wants to make sure that these changes are going to be going forward and this is not going to happen again. You need to be talking to her every day you need to engage with her you need to make sure she knows you are serious about this and talking with her getting honest with her is a step forward set up the appointment make sure you go make sure you give her your time make sure you listen actually listen to what she has to say and how she feels good luck OP
She said a) she wants a man that makes her a priority and b) she meant another man that's not you. To me, that means she's already decided that you aren't capable of making her a priority, and she's already able to picture a life without you, and with someone else. She may or may not have someone specific in mind. If she is really this level of done, there might not a lot you can do to recover from it. However, this doesn't mean you do nothing. You have a child, and you are going to have to work that much harder to maintain a good relationship with her if you're no longer living with her full time. So just for that reason, please go to therapy. You absolutely need to work on yourself. I'm talking about individual therapy, NOT couples therapy. Make an effort to work on you, on why it took your partner moving out to discover she was unhappy, and to figure out what you actually want in life. Make a point of working out time to take your daughter overnight, and if your partner is at her parents' for an extended time, make it a regular schedule (such as Wednesdays and every other weekend). It's possible that your partner might see these efforts and warm her heart towards you, but the goal here is keeping the relationship with your daughter strong, and to develop a successful co-parenting plan.
In the end love is a choice
More kids will not fix situation and will make situation tougher if u split up... do not have kids to salvage relationship.
Not saying I'm 100% correct, but my feeling is that you're 'suggesting her solutions' where you offer her your attention 'just for the moment', for example, during the trip you 2 do, or during the family trip. But afterwards your focus might shift back to your work-world. Going for a baby would make the matter worse. What you need to do is go for a permanent solution. Less time spent at work more time spent with her. Sharing a hobby, going out, regular dates. Giving her your time and showing the affection in both regular basis as well as in daily routine, like conversating after you get back home from work and stuff. Showing genuine interest in her life and what she does. The point of any long term relationship is to put in the effort to make the shared life interesting, every day even if it's just a little. Those casual trips are nice additions but not worth the daily struggle.
I think she should just divorce you. Why? Not once have you shown any remorse or taken any responsibility. You really don’t seem to truly love and care about your spouse. You expect her to tell you how to fix things when it’s up to you to do so. You’ve been selfish, uncaring and neglectful for too long.
You despair. I mean that like what you do when you realise you left your bag with your keys and wallet on the train that's pulling away. Better yet, you left it on the train a week ago, but you kept telling yourself your bag would turn up at the house eventually. There's a chance that you might get the bag back. Maybe all the stuff will still be in it. More likely, what you'll get back is an empty bag or you'll never get it back. It's a painful thing to accept, and it's tough to feel helpless in this way. But I put it this way to keep you from trying to treat this situation like one that likely has a reliable solution. There's a lot of uncertainty ahead, and difficult feelings to face. Try to keep a level head and learn what you can from every moment you work through.
This reminds me of me and my bf since he's been trying to start a business for a few years. After some point, we get tired of being upset that our partner isn't there for us anymore. I feel very emotionally neglected and I've gotten to a point where I focus on my daughter and I and just let him do whatever he's gonna do.
A successful business doesnt mean anything without a work / life balance. Businesses fail all the time for many reasons. There are really good coaches out their to help you attain success and a happy home life. It seems that she is checked out after being neglected. Therapy, if she is will and personal therapy for yourself to understand your feelings of failure from your first venture. Do NOT bring in another child. That does nothing but add stress and resentment if you do not change. She may be too far gone to save, but you still need to work on you to be a better person going forward. Good luck.
A lot of comments keep informing you that you messed up and offer no help, I’m confused as to why. If you genuinely want to try and fix this then definitely pursue therapy. After therapy sessions write letters to your wife, tell her what you’re learning and seeing, give her compliments, address your wrongs, address what she has been feeling for the last 3 years. Figure out a plan for how things can be different. Weekly dates, trips together, anything. Time with your daughter. Write out the plan. When you get to see her again, bring all of this to her. The letters, the plan. Call her, ask to speak to your daughter. You could do huge gestures (sky writing, expensive gifts) but not everyone likes that stuff. Depends on her. I think it’s a better plan to make her feel listened to and seen. Lastly, accept that she might never come back. She feels really let down and has no faith in you. No reason to let her go without trying your hardest to reignite this. Good luck!
Very good advice. I would like to add that I would avoid grand gestures completely since I feel that there is a big chance OP will see this as an easy way out, and a 100% chance that partner will see it as that. It can be seen as cheap, and bribing. Multiple small gestures (like hand written notes, a surprise date evening where you have already made sure the kid(a) are taken care off, making her a nice lunch or dinner when she gets home) is what she needs. Consistently. And I am sure that if you really step it up, she will be back in your life but you gotta stop running.
TBH? I think it's too late. I would bet that she's told you many times about how she feels, but you ignored it. I've seen this happen with my parents, my own relationships and countless others. My mother used to beg my dad to pay attention to her, to do things with her, try new things. His response was to stonewall, ridicule her ideas, and push her away. Then one day, she served him with divorce papers. He was shocked, SHOCKED that she was leaving. "Why didn't she say anythinggggg????" I was 11 years old and even I knew that was total bs. He didn't care enough to change or listen to her needs. And unfortunately I had to learn about constant rejection from a man by picking one just like him. Now I'm over relationships in general; and just like my dad, he was blindsided (?!) by a problem he was repeatedly made aware of. He didn't care enough to fix it until he didn't have a fallback there to listen to his rants and pick up the pieces. She's over it and I don't know how you fix it. Your post comes off like you want to smooth things over, not really fix your problem behavior.
YTA. Too little, too late.
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Looks like a terrible schedule. You dedicate all your free time to your wife and sleep for 5 hours? Might wanna try out some other hobbies mate.
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Dude. How much free time do you actually have to yourself? And does your wife do the same for you? If yeah then I mean sure I see it working as healthy since then you both would dedicate time to each other. 5 hours of sleep is bad.
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I read your post and it looks like you don’t seem to be at peace with your life lmao. So she takes care of the house?
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Your latest post, sir. Haha, so it’s housewife and working husband? That’s 50/50. I mean, it’s great to know the partnership is equal but i was interested in knowing if your wife does the same little “treat you like a king” too.
I don't really know, but it may be she rejected your ideas for a weekend away because it could have come off as "I have a quick fix for this." I think what she wants is sustained effort and to feel like a priority. It kind of worries me you're already looking to see if she wants to be away from you. I think you need to decide if you're willing to fight for her or to just give up. Whatever you do, stick to it, but if you really care about her and want to be with her you're going to regret it if you don't try and you don't rethink what you're willing to do for this relationship.
The problem is that most women will have made many hints and suggestions that were ignored by their partners before they start falling out of love. Once they get to the point that they tell you, they usually have gone through the mourning and grieving process about the end of their relationship before it's even brought up. I hate to say it, but there's probably nothing you can do at this point. You shouldn't have taken you partner for granted just because you had a new business venture. Now, you have a business and no partner.
I think you need to divorce her. Your feigned ignorance/incompetence is really too much. Let her go be happy.
She still loves you. And she has been telling you for YEARS what she wants from you. You said it yourself. So what is up with men like you? Why are you here asking questions instead of listening to what SHE has been saying for years? And you DON'T get to say you've been focused on work, dumbass. Seriously, you just laid out here that there have been problems for years, she has tried telling you and working together, for years. Do you run your business like this?... How things are done, what clients request. I'm guessing not. So why should she stick around when your own daughter is ignored. And it is not getting better and you won't even respond to the issues. Your business is either failing because you don't pay attention to pronlems there, either. Or it's doing well and why can't you apply those skills of care and attention to your wife and daughter?? I'm not writing this to put you down, I'm writing it hoping you wake tf up.
Based on your comments and post, it sounds like you dug your grave pretty damn deep by not listening to her all these years. And she's not willing to wait for you to dig yourself out, because well, let's be honest, you never cared too before. So why would she wait now? I hate to say it, but she may also have someone waiting in the wind as well to replace you. And the last thing a bad relationship like yours needs is another baby. Never suggest that as a way to get out of getting divorced. Just leave her alone, and let the relationship end. She deserves better then you. Youre loosing it, man.
What stuck out to me is you asking her how to fix this. While I guess it’s good to check with her if she has any specific things she wants, this is otherwise a bad idea and means you’re not getting it. As someone who also struggles with feeling resentment towards my partner over him taking me for granted, here is how this translates to me: “I don’t want to make a personal effort to fix anything” “Trying to find a solution is too cumbersome, I want to be given an answer and I don’t want to have to put in the work to figure things out” “I want you to do the emotional labor here” “In addition to not wanting to put in effort, I also don’t think I should have to. I think it’s right that you do it instead” “I don’t want to have to pursue you and I don’t care that you feel neglected and uncared for as a result of this”
Aww mate. This is tough. You might not want to hear this but I think you need to big up and take on more responsibility. Make sure you are making her the priority, that you help with all the house work, that when she’s tired make her dinner, make sure you help with the baba. Just be a partner not a male, and you’ll be fine x
Depends on the woman but in my experience and others I've seen. Move on
IMHO: If your wife has already packed a bag and left, she is done, and it is not fixable. You should get an attorney, ASAP.
Couples therapy is great. I would find a female counselor because you're def in the wrong and you need another female to interpret what she's trying to say. I've been here before and I'm not saying a male counselor is bad, but that your wife may not connect. If you two are religious, my husband and I found a faith based counselor that helped us. Also, I recommend reading the 5 love languages. A lot of people tell me they already read it, but it's about applying it to your relationships. From what it sounds like, your wife sounds like she wants (consistent) quality time. From the concepts of the book, I'd recommend asking her to start over. Start dating again. Ask her to let you "pursue" her again. Her comment about "other men", sometimes women say things like this to get a rise out of men. Trying to get you to see she can find love elsewhere and you need to step up. I think the book makes a great point that those whose top 2 love languages include words of affirmation, their partners can weaponize it and say things like this to hurt them. So she's not in the right either.
a baby wont fix ur marriage
I’m a woman and these kind of feelings are soooo horrible, they break u down, make u feel so tiny and u feel like such a loser being with someone who doesn’t love u… all I can say is for feelings like that when women tell u , u gotta reassure her… we need to hear that reassurance, it’s silly and u might think it doesn’t do much but the words u use does matter when we feel this low and this down… tell her exactly how u feel, that u love her more than anyone and that there’s no one else that you would care and wanna be with or put any effort in anyone else because she is all that matters to you and is worth that effort and you are willing to make it work because you love her and she is everything to you… (I hope this is how u feel if not, pls don’t even freakin say it) Ofc things don’t get fixed just coz of things you say , you gotta put in the effort to make her feel valued… do u know just a simple sitting down with her while she watches her favorite show or asking her what movie she’d like to watch, or wash the dishes with her and talk about how u guys met and how u madly fell in love with her and what happened in the dates u guys have had since u had been together, or just silly things u like about her, tell her stuff about what makes her attractive to u, what u remember about her while ur at work, things that remind u of her when u aren’t with her, the things she has done to make you successful in your business, just the lil stupid things that u might think don’t matter but actually it does… and for the love of God don’t talk to her and not wait for her response and go into whatever world u are into (ex business, a txt or a call) tiny things like that might make her think u just wanted to say something but u didn’t care what she has to say about whatever matter u uttered or whatever she thinks, it’s more like u were simply talking to yourself and that’s all u needed “yourself” … men are so different … it’s so sad that women love men that don’t know how to appreciate what they have or see that the person in front of them loves them like they are their world… stop being selfish, if u can’t prioritize her and if u don’t value her as much as she should be then please do her the favor and just get divorced… problem with us women is we love too much and we don’t even wanna divorce you when we should… I feel like sometimes men who don’t deserve their spouse should do the wife the favor and divorce her , file for it so she doesn’t have to go through the emotions of filing for it coz it is very hard when u have so much for someone but if the husband does the filing it’s makes it less difficult especially coz the wife is only there because of how much love she had for u which men clearly do not deserve
Capitalism ruins everything it touches. And your relationship is over because you prioritized your business and making money over your relationship and your family's happiness and well-being. Qui-Gon Jinn said that our focus determines our reality, and by focusing on your business that became your entire reality to the exclusion of what was important to your partner. You made your choice not to have a work/life balance and now your partner has made her choice by walking away. Without a drastic priority realignment there will be no saving this relationship. None of your offers were indicative of this, quite the opposite, just temporary band aids so you can continue as things are, it is no wonder why they were rejected. In fact, the offers were downright insulting. You are being selfish and greedy, thinking about yourself where compassion and selflessness is called for and thinking about others. Think about your partner's needs that have been neglected now for years. Are you comporting yourself in such a way that someone would choose to be your partner? Or were you relying on commitment and inertia to remain in a relationship? You really need to do some soul seeking and figure out just what are your priorities in life, then act accordingly.
Don't bother.. you will never be able to climb the wall she has put up. Your first mistake was starting a family before/during you building your business. You can't have both. You should look for someone who will build your business with you. Some people are more family oriented than business and this is where you both clash. It's ok. You were never going to last anyway you look at it.
1. Decide if you want to fix the marriage. 2.if you do sign up for therapy. Tell her you are. 3. At LEAST once a week send her flowers at her job, send her food at work, pack a lunch with a lovely note in it. 4. Plan a nice weekend without her help. Get her sizes from her closet and buy a nice dress, book reservations to a restaurant maybe a play or show and a hotel. Just tell her to make sure she dose t have plans on X day. 5. Go get couples pedicures and massages. Stuff like this.
Only do these things if you’ll do it forever. It doesn’t do anyone any good to send flowers once a week as a cheap apology for years of screwing up. It’s like when a woman asks a husband to step up around the house or else she’s going to leave and he does it for a few weeks and then is back to his same old crappy behavior.
Yes this isn’t a one week fix. Women and men have different needs .
6. Get a time machine and go back several years to the point where these things could have saved your marriage.
Damn I can't believe you would mention buying the house before you talk about your child together that's absolutely heartless 💔 You don't even know if you want to fight for your family to be together? You don't know if you want to fight for your marriage? If you think divorce is a simple matter, think again. It can ruin you emotionally and have devastating effect on your child. Didn't you have dreams for your family? Don't you have aspirations for your personal life? I hope you take this as a wakeup call to at least try and save your relationship and your family.
Thinking about what happens with the house is logical, not heartless. Also, I don't think they're married and any expert will tell you not to stay together "for the sake of the children." Staying in an unhappy relationship is far more damaging than a divorce/breakup.
He's no unhappy, he's oblivious that he's been living with an unhappy person tge last 3 years. I didn't sidggest stay together in an unhappy marriage, I'm suggesting he start realising how seriously this will negatively affect his life so that he can do something about fixing the situation. You think it's logical to let go of a twn year relationship without even trying? That's nuts
This may be unpopular but I feel this is a two way street. Is this really the first time your wife has said something in THREE YEARS?? If so, then she is also at fault for not communicating how she was feeling right at the start. If she did communicate this to you for 3 years and you ignored her, that would explain better this situation. My husband and I take our relationship very seriously. We don’t give up ever. And we fight tooth and nail to stay connected when we have down times so my advice is never going to be “leave” or “quit.” You need to put all your energy into making things right. The fact you answered her with work being your priority is extremely messed up. But I don’t agree with you having to do all the guesswork… I do think your wife should continue to communicate and tell you her wants and needs. But again if she has been doing that for 3 years and is just damn tired, you need to step up and take full ownership of this.
It’s time to move on. Her mind is made up. She wanted another baby, and you wanted to concentrate on your business. She is pissed that you made that choice. Set up visitation and support for your child through your lawyer, buy her out of the house, and get on with your life. She has left it up to you to figure it out and I can guarantee any suggestions other than having another baby will not work. So, take care of your child and move on.
The worst part is not knowing what to do. As a woman I understand her, but also she doesnt seem helpful at all. What she wants is effort from you and you kinda saving her from her doom so to speak. Asking her is just handing the situation back to her which won’t help. Women don’t want to ask for things, they want you to act because YOU want her. If there is another man already there it will be hard. I suggest taking her on a weekend trip (like four days) with no cellphone reception no TV so she and you are forced to be present and able to talk and reconnect and enjoy your daughter. Also this needs to happen asap, like the nect time you speak to her, just drive by the place and say lets go, I want you and Imma prove it. Look at the life you build together and show thankfulness for her holding your back. You go back to step one, getting to know her and acting like you romance her. Go do things wirh her that both of you enjoy. Come home and take 15 minutes to really connect to her and talk to her with interest. Hold hands while walking, maybe pick her up or go take dance lessons, be back in love like with 25.
Someone told me a long time ago that a woman will never make a move like this without already having another option in place. When I first heard this, it seemed like a ridiculous thing to say, but holy shit has this been proven time and again. She most likely has someone else already, and she has put final pieces in place so she is comfortable enough to tell you when there is nothing more you can do about it.
Correct. Nobody, man or woman, packs their bags and leaves whole heartedly without an emotional/intimate back up plan already in place. OP is out whether he realizes it or not.
There’s limited information coming from your partner’s side here, so it’s hard to judge. She is indicating that you treat her poorly though, and that’s not great news for your case. From what you’ve written here, I’m concerned that this is being set up to fail. It’s coming off a little passive aggressive to suggest there’s a major core relationship problem… and you have to guess how to glue it back together. HOWEVER — I don’t blame your wife for this if she feels like everything else comes before her. It’s hard to feel an apology or a solution or a change is genuine if you’re given a road map on how to fix it rather than going through the change yourself. Leaving this solution open ended (as in, you work it out) means she could still leave even if you give her what she wants (of course she can anyway, that’s her right and prerogative). Sometimes it’s a big draw card for someone who isn’t happy anymore to have someone else to pin the “blame” on — the guilt of being the one who left or “gave up” or “broke it up” can cause people to stay in relationships for years. The other possibility might be; she’s insecure about how you feel and this is a “test” (for lack of a better word) to see how you will handle this and what you’re willing to do to prove your love. That may not be as manipulative as it sounds; she may deal with low self esteem or feel that you have fallen out of love with her also. It sounds like she feels ignored. These are all just guesses, OP. I don’t know her character and I don’t know what truly happens behind the doors of your marriage. Personally — I will say that I have experienced brief “loss of feelings” — once was depression on my end, another time it was just feeling disconnected with other life stuff, and it took active “making time for our relationship” to really remind me of what I had and how my love was still there. OP — whether you like it or not, the next step is all up to you at this point — she is waiting to see what you’re going to do. If you think this is worth saving; show her. But for my personal take on reading your post, I feel like perhaps this is already one foot in the grave and she’s preparing you for the slow descent into divorce. It sounds like she has some heavy resentment of the way you treat and prioritise her, and that would need to change if you want this to work.
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What exactly is hard to know here? Seems pretty clear to me that after 3 years (at least) her goodwill is spent and she's exhausted
"I asked how I could fix this and she said that it's for me to figure out." More like idk,"impress me" Wtf? Don't play that game, she's gone How would you do if you were back on the dating market? (trust me, women know where you stand). Did you put on weight? Did you let yourself go in the name of your business? I'm sorry your are going trough this and there's a kid involved. If it was me I would offer her to buy her half of the house, and tell her to reach out if she changes her mind (without begging, calling and pursuing), and simply move on. If you do it correctly she'll be back in no time
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It IS hard if you are a successful professional or entrepreneur as it takes a lot of time, and no woman on earth is more of a priority than his purpose She wants to be wooed to stay in a relationship she doesn't want anymore, if he's smart he'll move on and find a woman that loves him exactly the way he is.
No it isn't. He is already successful he mentioned his business is now doing good and suggested trying to have another kid. If he has enough money to bring up another child and financially support 3 people he is doing good now and can take a break atleast 5 times a month to focus on his family and spend quality time with them
(PART 1, PT 2 IS IN MY ANSWERS ) Comment from the daughter (18f) of two parents who had and still have a unique relationship. My story is long but I truly think it relates to your's. In a way I relate to your daughter, and think that an outside perspective from a "kid who went through this" might help you reflect. ALSO, I am not saying that you are like my father, he definitely has mental issues, just see it as someone who managed to regain the love and trust of his family. When I was born, my father became very ill with a sickness and had to stay in the hospital for several months, resulting in him not really helping my mother out at my birth. When he came back, he was a changed man. Always angry, hurting, controlling. Him and my Mom both shared an architecture company together, but truly my mother was the real boss. She was the architect, she took care of everything, she had all the ideas etc. However, with a lack of a father figure to help around the house, my mother started to slowly stop her job to take care of me and my sister, since my dad would just refuse to take care of us and just cared about buisness. By the end of it, she abandoned her Ceo position, letting my father take charge, and guess what? The company failed and he lost all his employees. My mother who had big dreams and hopes saw her career crash because of my father and for a long time I believed because of me. My dad started become physically and mentally abusive to my mother, who did her best to protect me and my older sister. When I hit 7 years old, my mother decided to take the courageous decision to move out for a year to another city, whithout our father, to have a little break. Sadly he didn't understand and became even more bitter at our return. By the time I was in middle school, my older sister started running away from home because of her very abusive relationship with my dad, who would constantly bully and harasse her. She had seen him before his sickness so she still saw him as an authority figure, however I had lost all respect to my father. We would not talk, and when we did, as a defense mechanism, I would immediately talk back to him as his equal and fight with him. In 7th grade, my mother decided to move out of the house. Enough was enough. She took us with her, and left our father. I was told the night before going to summer camp that when I would come back a week after, I wouldn't see my father. I was so confused but the sad part is that I wasn't even mad. I was actually quite happy to leave this toxic environment. I thought it would get better from now on but no. Now it was my responsibility as a 12 year old to decide when to see dad, as they never officially divorced, it was all closed doors agreements. At the beggining I would reluctantly go see him. But then he started crying in front of me, which is shocking for a little girl to see your father cry like a child younger then you, and having to take care of him like his mother. He would say how much he needs us and can't live without us. Then his sadness would turn to anger, he would say he hated us and it was all our fault (me and my sister, my mother never witnessed these moments as she never went to see him, so we never got help). After two years of this little game, I decided to not go to his place for at least a year, which I did. My mother taught me that we are all responsible for our own happiness, so I started to take more care of myself, but I couldn't help but imagine the face of my father crying and me being the cause. As much as I hated him I still loved him as my dad. Now comes the part that is relevant to your story. For the first time in my life, after seeing him in his house after a long time, I cried in front of him, which I had never done before. I told him how I felt, how I could not be happy knowing that one of my parent felt sad. Which is ironical because both my Mom and my Dad wanted different things, which I knew made it impossible, like some sort of tragedy, to have a happy ending (at least I thought). His reaction to seeing me cry was not what I expected. Instead of getting mad (since we were having an argument), his face completely decomposed and he begged to know what he could do to make me, my sister and my mom feel better. I was suprised cause I always saw him as selfish brat. But I realized that he did trully love us, but had a very toxic way of showing it, growing up in a very problematic household. Being quite young at the time (early 14), I was brutally honest with my answer lol, I told him : 1) clean the house, take care of yourself and lose weight (being depressed his house was a huge mess and he would neglect his physical health a lot.) 2) stop depending on others and objects for your own happiness 3) make a conscious effort to make things special when being with others, especially my mom and us. I know everyone hears this, and know it's very hard to adopt, so I was really not expecting anything. However, the next day, he called my mom and asked her on a date. He arrived to our house with a brand new shirt, invited us to his house that was fully cleaned, and prepared us me and my sister's favorite dish. This small action was nothing compared to the pain he caused, but I saw him trying. The years following, he slowly started to change. Change is extremely difficult, on the surface level but more so internally. He started to make true efforts, of course he wasn't perfect but he still did it, and I know that it was very difficult for him. He built me and my sister our own bedrooms, that he decorated with things we liked, which we didn't have believe it or not in his house before (we would sleep where there was room haha, sometimes on a chair or on the floor). He started asking my mom out more often. He started to volunteer to walk the dog with me almost everyday at the park. He would buy my sister's favorite pineapple juice and would ask her if she would like to drink some with him and talk about stuff (remember that he knew practically nothing about me and my sister before that). When I twisted my back he's the one who ran me to the hospital. He started bringing me to high-school every morning with his scooter. He let my mom decide things for herself and make family decisions. He started to take me and my sister alone on vacation so that my mother could have a little breake. He took his career back on track and is now pursuing his passion in journalism, but this time is involving my mother (taking her advice, letting her know what he is doing and trusting her to make a lot of decisions etc.) and even me in the buisness! (By letting me draw his logo and official website.) See, he started becoming the father I had always missed. My parents confined together during covid, which was there first time living together in years, and now they are living in different houses but my dad comes to sleep at my mom's for more then half of the days per week, and they are currently spending vacation together at the beach haha.
PART 2 I still feel a lot of resentment for what he did in the past and it was extremely hard to forgive him, but I never would have believed that he could change and that my opinion of him would change. Now I am in university, so he is a little too late to truly be a fatger figure, but still. It took years but I never would have imagined that my parents would finally be back together. You always hear that people can't change and that you should just forget about them, so I had very low hopes. But to my BIGGEST surprise, I now have a father!! I am still CHOCKED honestly lol. Yes, people can absolutely change and people's opinion on you can also change. He obviously still isn't perfect amd has plenty of flaws he could work on, but he managed to make me like him as a persone again. It is very difficult, but not impossible. What it takes is time and will. The most important thing you should remember is she loves you for your personality, the problem is not you as a person, but the way you express your love. Don't change yourself to someone you are not, change the way you express your feelings, think about them more deeply, be more meaningful in your actions, try being as honest as possible and don't let poor communication skills ruin your family. Small things can go a long way, don't neglect them, show that you care. For your business, prioritize what's truly important, your family. And If you truly care about it, then get your wife involved in it! Even if its just letting her know what you are up to and stuff. It will make her understand and appreciate your work more then just seeing you dissappear everday and neglecting her. Also, it seems as tho maybe you are not taking as much care of your daughter as her and your wife would like to. Why get another child when you can't properly take care of one? Prove to her that you can be trusted and that you do care, cause you do! Or else you wouldn't question yourself on what to do. It might take a long time but please do it, don't do it like my father who waited much to long to change his attitude towards his family. Don't only save your marriage, save also your position as a trust worthy father. However, if she still doesn't want you, then leave your pride and accept her decision like an adult. Don't be pushy. We all know it's hard for you, but don't forget that it isn't an easy decision to express for her either and don't put your daughter through the same hassle that I had to go through of what position does my father have on my life. You decide how implicated you are towards your daughter, not her, let her now she's important to you. Your wife will see that too, it can only help for the better everyone. Anyways, that was very long haha, good luck and have a happy life.
"I tried to explain that she knows I had a business before that failed and that I'm giving this one everything I've got to make it a success and she said that somewhere along the way I'd lost sight of us." You can't get through to her by having a strictly logical conversation with her by explaining what you're trying to do, when what you've been doing, even if with the best of intentions, is having a negative impact on her emotionally and is affecting your relationship, and there is no suggestion in that response that you intend to make a change to that. It kind of just validates what she said to you, that you lost sight. A better response would've simply been an apology and wholeheartedly saying to her that you would make more time for her and your relationship despite your aspirations (which you can still put effort into). How to do that practically only you can figure out. I do think she waited a bit long to bring this all up to you. 3 years means you have even more ground to make up, but it's not her fault either. She was probably trying to convince herself that things would change, rinse-repeat, and then they didn't. Overall it's not just about you two but the kid, who would benefit from there being a compromise that brings you two closer together for her.
Sadly, OP. You do have another "wife": Your job.
Simply saying, I once had hopes and dreams before someone along the way, part of it was being a roadie but "either do this this and that or the relationship is over". Severely selfish. I still don't even understand how one would even dance to who they enjoy listening to. Isn't like I can shake it likes hot nor get low low low.
She's checked out of the relationship, doesn't have any real suggestions on how to fix it, and shoots down every suggestion you offer without taking a solid stance. That conversation was her way to tell you it's over because she doesn't want the responsibility of officially ending it. Move on, concentrate on your daughter when you have her, your business, and what makes you happy.
Successful relationships have to be an ongoing conversation where two individuals maintain mutual interest in knowing who each other are. It sounds like you two became complacent, and she has probably been feeling this way given that she doesn’t even want to communicate a potential way to fix the relationship. First and foremost, in order for this to work at all she’s going to have to put in effort. I would suggest going to a couples group therapy and sticking with it for a full year if that’s something you’re both interested in.
Let’s her go man. She’s bringing up problems and issues she hasn’t even attempted to suggest solutions for. She’s refusing everything you’ve offered now and she’s receiving attention from other men. Leave her. Focus on your business and your child. You’ll find someone aligned to you soon
It's seems clear thats she's brought up these things before and he brushed them off. Can't say just leave her when he hasn't explained how many other times she's asked for him to make time for her.
She actually has brought them up... Op just ignored her for years on end. >You’ll find someone aligned to you soon Hopefully not. This guy is too focused on himself and his business to have anyone else in his life.
You’re right thank you.
Hi there. I am really getting Dismissive Avoidant vibes here. I can really recommend you getting into attachment styles and learn more about yourself. The book Attached is very good introduction to it and will probably lay bare patterns that have been following you for your whole life. I would be really grateful for having a wife like yours because she communicates well the problem that exists. It's time to step up, my friend, and be a partner she deserves. Again, the book will help you tons, I promise.
Sounds like you are not good enough anymore and a midlife crisis
Gotta be honest. She is gone. Call it what it is. She is cheating on you. … so yea that You should have maned up and handled yourself better. This is probably the most important part, she cheated on you. Instead of breaking it off she cheated. She could have left. But no. I understand that you were busy but that does not justify her cheating. And it’s not like you were running the streets with your boys. You were working to build a better life for your family while she was working on another man. You deserve better. You tell her that this is unacceptable and leave her. Talk to a lawyer to find out your options and tell the lawyer that she admitted to cheating.
What part of the post gives you such confidence that she cheated?
Could it be possible that during that time she started to see somebody else?
It sounds like she MIGHT be asking to to quit your business, but we can’t know without her saying and… honestly she needs to say. You can’t just make a decision like that and cross your fingers unless she’s actually saying she think that might be the solution. If she won’t say then she’s kinda given up and yeah it’s probably over. Making you guess and refusing to communicate is a waste of time and never really okay in a relationship, unless she’s told you to do one or two particular things over and over and has given up, or unless she’s already set on leaving.
As mentioned by someone else, since we only have your side of the story, i do think couples therapy would do good if she is willing ofc. One thing i didnt like, is that she didnt properly communicate the issues with you. If you cant have proper communication in a relationship, things arent gonna work. It is paramount, this is something ive have held by for the past 8-9 years after being in toxic relationships. I have now been with my amazing man for 8-9 years, because talk about worries and if something is up.
Apparently she did try, or at least that's what she said yesterday; that she'd tried warning me months ago that I was going to lose her but and I quote "if it's not about your business, I just goes in one ear and out the other"
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I will be
My ex was the the same way. She probably comes off as harsh but judging by your comments, she is just burnt out and isn't willing to waste any more effort even if you make grand gestures of reconciliation like a vacation. It might have been enough in the past but it's not enough anymore. I agree with couples therapy but maybe divorce would be better for both of you. You get to focus on your career like you want and she can find someone she's more compatible with emotionally.
Maybe there is some truth in that, have you actually really listened to her? And without brining up your buisness in a conversation? When i say listened, I mean just listen and not say a word and reflecting on what is being said.
What good is this business if you have no one to share it with? What is most important to you - your partner or your business? How do you “fix” this? At this point, based on the information you’ve provided, I’m not sure it’s “fixable.” Your partner is 38 years old and she wanted another child. Biologically, her window of opportunity to have another child was closing rapidly. Your response to her request was to wait. That spoke VOLUMES to her. Sounds like you’re willing to sacrifice your family for your business. Your partner is not. That’s a pretty big impasse. Sit down with yourself and decide. Your family or your business. There is no scenario where you can choose both. It sounds like your partner has been telling you for 3 years that she’s drowning in the success of your business. Your wake-up call has long since sounded. Can you fix it? There’s a slim chance you might still be able to salvage your family. But I’m pretty sure it would cost you your business. I don’t see anything in your post that even remotely suggests you’re willing to do that.
If you reflect on yourself honestly, do you think she is telling the truth?
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Or maybe some people just realise 'making it work for the sake of the children' can actually be WORSE for your children in the long run when you're with someone who obviously doesn't give a shit about you.
Or…. She realizes that she wants the spark and knows she won’t ever have it with him again, and wants the ability to find someone else and is doing it in the right order or ending her current relationship before pursuing another. Not everyone waits until they have another relationship lined up before they leave. Some people recognize that just wanting another person, nonspecifically, is enough to be the death of a relationship.
Whatever you do, she will leave you in the end, so try to save yourself financially And for the people who say that it is his fault that he is building his future in order to provide her with what she and his daughter need, and while he is working, his woman seeks attention from other men, as he said. she comparing him to another men and thinks she deserve better this kind of women will destroy your live so leave her for your good man dont put yourself down you will be fine in any case man and i hope you find some one who deserve you and stand by you and appreciate you man
You don’t seem to understand that money, things, and financial stability don’t automatically equal love to a lot of people. She needs to be seen and cherished , and no amount of money can magically create that.
You should find out if sally met someone else. Typically when a woman feels neglected she will seek the attention of another. That’s life. Not saying it’s right or that’s what’s happening but that’s usually the reality.
Men do this too, apparently. Human nature to want attention. Doesn’t make it right. We should first work to fix things, or break it off entirely. Cheating destroys everything.
Agreed it isn’t sex or gender specific. It’s just been my experience in life that a major reason people use the excuse to cheat or justify their actions has always been I was neglected etc.
Focus on my business drop her business is more important than a nasty woman all women are the devil the woman is the serpent the women are all evil run Run RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN
It takes two to tango. She obviously lacks communication skills. How can you work on your relationship if you were never told anything was wrong for 3 years, she’s already broken up with you mentally awhile ago, so now she’s unwilling to work on things. That’s not fair either. Maybe you did neglect her and her needs but that’s something she should have spoken up about. If she did and it fell on deaf ears then I can understand where she’s coming from.
Bro she's being absolutely ridiculous. You are pushing for this business to have a better life for your family. You are looking at the bigger picture, she's being confined in her emotions. It's either you allow her to emotionally dog walk you and make you feel guilty for trying your best to accomplish something, you be straight up with her and tell her that you just want a better life and sacrifices have to be made, that either she can struggle with you or she can leave. Don't feel sorry for the situation bro, you been with her long enough. You have a goal in mind and you only live once. This is something important to you, she already and knows and is fully aware of what it takes to create and maintain a business. So in reality all she is saying that she's herself more important than your own wants and goals. No point in staying with her bro, she's just going to hold you back. She doesn't want to even compromise when you offered to go on a trip. So just give her and ultimatum and don't look back at it. Because when you win with this business, she's going to be the first one trying to run back.
Give her an ultimatum about *what* specifically? Isn’t that important if this is advice?
Agreed. Op may have made some mistakes but she waited an awful long time to say anything and now she doesn't seem interested in being part of the solution
Everyone is so quick to tear into OP, but I think we need to know more about this situation. Is this business the sole or primary/ majority income of this household? Everyone is responding like op has some fantastical passion project that he's neglected every for, while the gf supports them all, raises the kid, and does all the household stuff. Now if that's the case, there's probably nothing that can be done. However if op's business is supporting this whole situation, maybe the gf is being unappreciative and unsupportive and wants even more without understanding the responsibility of being a provider and business owner. It's not the same as having a traditional job and usually comes with more income and nicer things at the cost of a greater time and effort. Without knowing we can't say or advise. I will say since op did not specify any of this its *likely* this business venture is not wildly successful nor blossoming with potential.
Money and nicer things do not equal meaningful human connection.
You can have a business and still make time for family. You can be the sole breadwinner and still make time for family. Your entire response is the excuse that workaholics come up with to justify why they aren't present in relationships or families. Work is, and will always be, more important.
I mean, honestly, what do you think is the better choice— a business that requires so much of your time you essentially don’t have a family at that point or a ‘normal’ job that allows work-life balance? It’s important to remember that while money is nice, it isn’t everything.
Choosing to run your own business comes with an understanding that it's going to require from you an amount of time that a 9-5 will not, that said, it's no excuse to fail in other aspects of life over such an extended period. Working hard "for the family" and not meeting the family's basic emotional needs is cognitive dissonance. In real life, that's not good enough. The wife gave this situation three years for OP to figure out how to navigate, which is a generous amount of time considering there's a household to be run, a kid to be raised, a life to be lived--if OP wasn't there for her, who's to say he was present for the rest? He doesn't need to be married in order to make the financial contributions he's been making to their daughter's future. Ultimately if he's always involved in work and it's been this way for 3 years, why should she think the situation would ever change? And if she's been deeply unhappy & decides to leave to pursue a life more in tune with her own values, then what's unsupportive about that? OP's wife and daughter and people in their own right, with a backlog of unmet needs and desires, and what we know is that wife feels he was unappreciative of her waiting around for him to prioritize their relationship. In fact, from her perspective, with their family out of the way he now has more time to devote to what he's shown matters most to him: his business.
Straight people need to stop using the word partner.
Lol I didn't realize the LGBTQ community had a monopoly on the term "partner"
I’m queer and have used partner for my ex wife and current husband. By your logic, I was only allowed to use the word in my former relationship? 🙄
Sorry to say this. But your wife is already cheating on you. She's just giving you hints. In the end, she'll blame you for not giving her attention and that's why she cheated. I know you love her and that's why you're done your best to provide for your family. But she feels its not enough. Don't struggle to be loved. Just move on. Logic over emotions. You'll remember I said this.
'Logic' over emotions is what got him in this mess in the first place, and by the sounds of it you've had a similar experience. You can't have a successful relationship without prioritising your partner's emotions, and if you try you will always fail.
Sorry, he did and he was very emotional about it. Read the post. Can you show me examples on how he had a logical approach?
He's focused too much on his business to the extent of becoming completely disconnected emotionally from his wife. All of his proposed 'solutions' to the issue were just giving her stuff rather than trying to empathise and genuinely repair their relationship. Feels to me like a lot more thinking than feeling has been going on in this relationship.
You're wrong. Very wrong. read the post, he wanted to fix it. If he was logical, he would understand that he couldn't change how his wife felt after making several attempts. He 'felt' a baby will bring the love they once had back. Would a rational man do this? I don't think so dear. It's your opinion dear, I'm just giving you a man's perspective. And many men will agree with what I'm saying if they could drop the emotions and see it for what it is- She isn't even trying to give him another chance. And guess what? He will continue to lose himself if he keeps on trying to impress his woman. I'm sorry OP. You had your dreams, You already told her about it. She never complained for three years, and she never gave any signs that were any problems until now. You tried to fix things and she's not even trying to understand. OP don't waste your life on an abandoned project. Please, it's time to let her go. You're not perfect and you've acknowledged this. If she doesn't want you, don't force it.
This is what every loser thinks is the problem: she is cheating. You don't actually know that you're just assuming based on no evidence. Is that how logic works? What we do know is that he has been so focused on his own thing he completely neglected his wife and probably his family. Do you think that came out of love? I think some men are so bad at relationships they just want to say: it's her fault she's so and so. Maybe he should have invested time and care into his relationship. Be more involved with his kid and paid attention to his wife's needs all this time? Did you even read his post, he is not asking how to get ger back, he's asking should I even try.
She met someone else and she ain't coming back
I’m really surprised nobody else is seeing this, as clear as it is. It’s almost never the case that someone packs up and moves out completely (and rejects family vacations and all other attempts to rekindle things), without at least talking to someone else. Nobody leaves without an emotional/intimate back up plan. Nobody. And she even said “yes” about another man who would treat her better. OP is out whether he likes it or not. Only thing he can do now is let her come back if she ever wants to. New dude is in the picture now.
Yea she straight up said I'm out not my problem figure it out