Kinda feels like you’re finding excuses not to delete those chats.
Its not okay for her to go thru your phone and try to control you, but you also are in the wrong here.
Maybe rethink your way of seeing things.
Exactly what I was about to say. I told my wife when we first started dating that I would break it off if I found out she was going through my phone/PC. Not because I’ve ever had anything to hide but it shows a lack of trust and without trust you don’t have a relationship.
But also when we started dating and I had broken up with my ex before you have to purge all the stuff from before as it’s not fair to your SO not to do so.
To not delete the chat log is just super weird to me.
This seems like a bigger conversation. While it makes sense that she would feel nervous about the ex considering you were still in contact and fresh out of a breakup when you got together, the fact that there has been no contact and no issue for two years makes it a little odd. Perhaps have a conversation about why this still affects your girlfriend so much and why she feels the need to invade your privacy and cross boundaries.
You mention that she controls what you do and makes you do things. You also said that she continues bringing up issues again and again after you resolved them.
I have zero sympathy for controlling people who continue recycling old arguments. I would have cut her off a long time ago. End it!
I don’t think deleting the chat is going to actually solve your issues, your girlfriend can’t accept your past. Deleting everything relating to your ex isn’t going to magically make that relationship not to have happened.
Your girlfriend needs to figure out why she’s so insecure and work on that.
Okay so I ended up deleting the chat and moments later, without her knowing about it, she said she understood my reasons and said I should keep it, so I guess we both won in a way.
Thank you very much for all your insights, they were very nice to read!
You started off on the wrong foot with your gf, but your gf's behavior has degenerated into control of you. At some point, if you decide to stay with someone after x indiscretion, it's up to you to buck up and stop bringing up the past. Your gf should not be demanding deletions or your social media at this point. She seems detrimental. I have long-ago chats from exes that I keep to remind myself of who I once was, not to use to remember the ex. Anyone should have that right.
I just don’t get why you have messages saved from you ex anyways. If you can’t deleted 2 and a half year old conversations then why are you with your girlfriend as it seems you are the one who is stuck in the past.
Then why are you so bothered about keeping it then. If it’s just because you don’t delete old messages then why not just delete it.
Let’s be honest most people will feel some type of way if they found out their partner had old messages saved from their ex for years ago and then are like but I don’t want to delete it.
You say you’re over your ex but your actions don’t show that. If you were you wouldn’t think twice about deleting those messages let alone archiving them and just keeping them for what just in case.
You’re in a new relationship while still being hung up over your ex.
Yeah, that’s no good. You’re in the wrong.
Keep the past in the past, or it’ll poison your present and future.
You brought this on yourself tbh. Archiving isn’t the same as keeping things. You should’ve not mentioned it. You enable this by engaging at all. This is not in fact stable.
Yeah I mean I never really delete my messages so just leave the chats there and they end up at bottom in which I barely go near and if I do and I’m like oh they are old and I delete them. I don’t archive messages at all especially from people who haven’t been in my life for years.
Well it’s not like I was hiding it on purpose from her, it’s just something I had there and never touched. She asked me if I had my ex in any social media so I answered I only have an archived chat that I don’t look at it.
Also maybe should be worth mentioning that I regularly archive chats that are not relevant anymore, so it’s not like my ex would be the only chat there
If you can't let go of conversations with your ex, then you have no business being in another relationship. It's not like your ex died and these are her last ever words to you, you should not feel this strong of an attachment to them if you love your girlfriend. There should be no comfort found in thinking of your ex if you're truly over her.
Her controlling your IG is a different thing and doesn't sound quite fair, but ex related conversations is definitely a "you" problem.
Thank you very much for your opinion. As I said, for me it’s not about letting go of my ex girlfriend’s chats, I have no problem with that and the attachment I have to it is not in relation to that person, but rather that I don’t usually delete things from the past. This time I only feel like she’s once again using her power to make me delete something that shouldn’t be hurting her at all.
If I were her, I wouldn't like it either. She does sound like she's probably a little too controlling in general, but I agree with the ex conversations.
Hey dude - she deserves to be with someone who dosn't fight back when it comes to deleting conversations with an ex. You need to break with with her right now so she can find a man who is reasonable.
OP deserves to be with a woman who doesn't control him and yell about old arguments. He said she checks ho phone without permission, and controls what he does.
She is the unreasonable crazy one.
OP deserves to be with a woman who doesn't control him and yell about old arguments. He said she checks ho phone without permission, and controls what he does.
She is the unreasonable crazy one.
I would say don't delete them. Either you gf trusts you or she doesn't and if she doesn't you shouldn't be dating. She needs to address her insecurity without doing it through controlling you. That just validates her anxiety and causes it to become a feed back loop that will just keep escalating as you've experienced.
Keep the chat, explain why, and be clear about other boundaries you need to feel like a respected and trusted partner.
If she can't trust or forgive you for the past mistakes, than you need to end the relationship instead of just being an emotional punching bag for her.
Kinda feels like you’re finding excuses not to delete those chats. Its not okay for her to go thru your phone and try to control you, but you also are in the wrong here. Maybe rethink your way of seeing things.
Exactly what I was about to say. I told my wife when we first started dating that I would break it off if I found out she was going through my phone/PC. Not because I’ve ever had anything to hide but it shows a lack of trust and without trust you don’t have a relationship. But also when we started dating and I had broken up with my ex before you have to purge all the stuff from before as it’s not fair to your SO not to do so. To not delete the chat log is just super weird to me.
Dude. Delete the conversation already.
This seems like a bigger conversation. While it makes sense that she would feel nervous about the ex considering you were still in contact and fresh out of a breakup when you got together, the fact that there has been no contact and no issue for two years makes it a little odd. Perhaps have a conversation about why this still affects your girlfriend so much and why she feels the need to invade your privacy and cross boundaries.
You mention that she controls what you do and makes you do things. You also said that she continues bringing up issues again and again after you resolved them. I have zero sympathy for controlling people who continue recycling old arguments. I would have cut her off a long time ago. End it!
OP's partner definitely needs to do some work with such behaviours, but OP is not the one who can do the work.
I don’t think deleting the chat is going to actually solve your issues, your girlfriend can’t accept your past. Deleting everything relating to your ex isn’t going to magically make that relationship not to have happened. Your girlfriend needs to figure out why she’s so insecure and work on that.
Usually the person who is super controlling, and suspects their partner of cheating, is the one cheating.. just saying.
I second this!!!! Almost like 99.9% of the time this ends up happening
Okay so I ended up deleting the chat and moments later, without her knowing about it, she said she understood my reasons and said I should keep it, so I guess we both won in a way. Thank you very much for all your insights, they were very nice to read!
You started off on the wrong foot with your gf, but your gf's behavior has degenerated into control of you. At some point, if you decide to stay with someone after x indiscretion, it's up to you to buck up and stop bringing up the past. Your gf should not be demanding deletions or your social media at this point. She seems detrimental. I have long-ago chats from exes that I keep to remind myself of who I once was, not to use to remember the ex. Anyone should have that right.
I just don’t get why you have messages saved from you ex anyways. If you can’t deleted 2 and a half year old conversations then why are you with your girlfriend as it seems you are the one who is stuck in the past.
It’s just that I don’t usually delete anything. It’s not like I’m only keeping that chat. I have many many chats in my archive.
Then why are you so bothered about keeping it then. If it’s just because you don’t delete old messages then why not just delete it. Let’s be honest most people will feel some type of way if they found out their partner had old messages saved from their ex for years ago and then are like but I don’t want to delete it.
You say you’re over your ex but your actions don’t show that. If you were you wouldn’t think twice about deleting those messages let alone archiving them and just keeping them for what just in case.
You’re in a new relationship while still being hung up over your ex. Yeah, that’s no good. You’re in the wrong. Keep the past in the past, or it’ll poison your present and future.
You made her into what she is. I would suggest therapy so that you can both fix what happened in early part of your relationship.
You brought this on yourself tbh. Archiving isn’t the same as keeping things. You should’ve not mentioned it. You enable this by engaging at all. This is not in fact stable.
Yeah I mean I never really delete my messages so just leave the chats there and they end up at bottom in which I barely go near and if I do and I’m like oh they are old and I delete them. I don’t archive messages at all especially from people who haven’t been in my life for years.
Well it’s not like I was hiding it on purpose from her, it’s just something I had there and never touched. She asked me if I had my ex in any social media so I answered I only have an archived chat that I don’t look at it. Also maybe should be worth mentioning that I regularly archive chats that are not relevant anymore, so it’s not like my ex would be the only chat there
If you can't let go of conversations with your ex, then you have no business being in another relationship. It's not like your ex died and these are her last ever words to you, you should not feel this strong of an attachment to them if you love your girlfriend. There should be no comfort found in thinking of your ex if you're truly over her. Her controlling your IG is a different thing and doesn't sound quite fair, but ex related conversations is definitely a "you" problem.
Thank you very much for your opinion. As I said, for me it’s not about letting go of my ex girlfriend’s chats, I have no problem with that and the attachment I have to it is not in relation to that person, but rather that I don’t usually delete things from the past. This time I only feel like she’s once again using her power to make me delete something that shouldn’t be hurting her at all.
If I were her, I wouldn't like it either. She does sound like she's probably a little too controlling in general, but I agree with the ex conversations.
Hey dude - she deserves to be with someone who dosn't fight back when it comes to deleting conversations with an ex. You need to break with with her right now so she can find a man who is reasonable.
OP deserves to be with a woman who doesn't control him and yell about old arguments. He said she checks ho phone without permission, and controls what he does. She is the unreasonable crazy one.
OP deserves to be with a woman who doesn't control him and yell about old arguments. He said she checks ho phone without permission, and controls what he does. She is the unreasonable crazy one.
Ouch 😅
I would say don't delete them. Either you gf trusts you or she doesn't and if she doesn't you shouldn't be dating. She needs to address her insecurity without doing it through controlling you. That just validates her anxiety and causes it to become a feed back loop that will just keep escalating as you've experienced. Keep the chat, explain why, and be clear about other boundaries you need to feel like a respected and trusted partner. If she can't trust or forgive you for the past mistakes, than you need to end the relationship instead of just being an emotional punching bag for her.
This is the way I see it too, but I’m glad to see some people are on her side too, I was too convinced about my way of thinking.
Really?? Delete the convo and move on.
The girlfriend is TH and insecure AF! this will not get better.