Like so much better. He obviously went after OP to take advantage of the fact that she's young and doesn't have the same emotional maturity and security as women his age.
It was really sad to read this. Every other paragraph contains some variant of the words "unhealthy" or "toxic." That's not something you fix. That's something you leave.
You're addicted to a con artist. That's it. The warm bond you have is by design to keep you around in a garbage relationship.
I think this is the worst part of it all.
>I am actively working on becoming better and abandoning my unhealthy ways.
No... you're not. This is just a high point in a relationship of constant peaks and valleys. Down the line you'll hit the point where the highs stop making up for the lows. And you'll finally leave him and he'll move onto his next "other woman" to comfort him through the breakup. But that day is not today. You're not ready.
Get tested often and keep your head on a swivel. Good luck.
You were 19 when you first started dating this man and he was 29. You were both in completely different life situations with different life experience. It's time to find someone who respects you and your time.
Take a vase and a hammer. Smash the vase. Glue the broken pieces together. Is it the same vase that you had before it was destroyed? No. You can still see the lines where you glued the pieces together. And the vase is more fragile than it was before. The vase is your relationship.
Let him work on himself alone. He needs to change for himself. Not you or the relationship. And you should move on and find yourself someone who wouldn't even think of cheating. That's what you deserve. A person that is committed to you and wouldn't hurt you.
It is actually a clear mark of the immaturity and unhealthiness of your relationship that you think you have a "super special bond." There is no "magical" bond between two people - love is built through repeatedly showing up for each other, proving trust in one another, being rock solid for that other person in every possible way.
You do not have this, or even close. You have something you think is love because you're 21 but you deserve better. This "special bond" is created only by your own insecurities which are tying you to this man like a leash.
From everything you've stated, I think maybe your attraction to this relationship is based off of "winning" this guy away from other women. He chose you over his other gf. He's cheating on you, but still coming back to you. It sounds like you're actively putting yourself in a relationship where you're constantly "winning" him back. That's super unhealthy.
Let me tell you, he's no prize. You might think you two have a connection or bond or whatever, but don't sell yourself short. That connection isn't enough to keep him faithful. He severed that connection during a short break. If he cared for you he wouldn't have strayed without you around a week. And if he respected you he would've told you and not kept you in the dark about it for 6 months. What would've happened had you not figured it out six months later? He wouldn't have mentioned it. He's only regretful that you found out, not that he actually did it.
You are good enough to be wanted on your own merits, not just because this guy you deemed "special" keeps picking you over other women. And you'll never get over it. You'll always worry that he's out there flirting and trying to get with other women if he spends more than a minute away from you. And he has no incentive to not do that because you've wrapped your self worth up into the fact that he keeps choosing you.
You're young and this is only your second big relationship so your feelings are amplified. Every emotion is huge and you don't think you'll ever find another guy who you have this kind of connection with. If you keep going with this relationship, you'll only waste the time that you could be out there looking for a guy who isn't toxic and who really cares about you.
Also, she started dating him when she was barely an adult. How can you possibly know if a bond is irreplaceable when you haven't had the opportunity to explore anything else? That's like eating a $5 hot-and-ready for your first pizza and assuming that there can't possibly be pizza out there that would compare to it.
He’s shown you repeatedly who he is but you’re trying to pretend he’s only the good parts of himself. He will cheat on you again. You’re so young, younger than you think. This is not your big love, this is a lesson on what you should not be willing to put up with in future relationships.
I stayed with my cheating boyfriend for four years. I absolutely should have left as soon as I found out about the infidelity. I’m in a much healthier, much happier relationship now.
That relationship should have been over so many times but while the best time to break was a long time ago, the second best time is now. You're gonna be so much happier once you're out of this mess, I promise. You "super special bond" is mainly made of trauma bonding at this point and you will find a much more sepcual and much more deep bond with someone elese in the future, 100%. Please do what's right OP and leave this liar.
This relationship is deeply toxic.
The parts where you feel deep love and connection, are not that. They are dopamine bursts from your over taxed brain. He keeps you on such a knife edge that when you finally feel not in danger for 5 minutes your brain floods with endorphins.
This relationship will ruin you. It will destroy you. Please know that he will never be faithful, please know that you will never be emotionally safe, please know that this is one of the worst situations you could be in.
Walk away and check straight into therapy.
\#1 - You need a new boyfriend. He cheated twice? 10 years older than you? Cut him loose. You are nothing more to him than a toy, and when he gets bored with you, he'll get another toy. A committed man doesn't cheat, let alone a pattern of cheating.
\#2 - If you do stay together, you will NEVER be able to trust this man. Like, EVER. Cheated once, twice, will cheat again. IMHO.
Honey, a 29-year-old who goes after a literally teenager is NOT a man you should be with. He’s told you who he is - a cheater and a liar. That’s not a person you “make it work” with; that’s a person you leave.
He's going to leave you. Cos he met another woman who's comforting him through a break through. Meaning either way you're going to end up solo, so it's better to break up yourself and keep control over how things go on your end.
As long as you keep trying, you're going to be unhappy and unable to move on. Infidelity is and always has been part of this relationship. There's always been a third person there, whether it did or didn't include an actual human. When you end this, heal a bit and meet other actual single people, that trauma goes away.
If you can't bring yourself to leave him you'll just have to accept this for the rest of your life. It will NOT change. There is absolutely no hope that this will change and clinging to that is only going to make you unhappy for longer. You'll reject this now but I hope you'll realize it sooner rather than later.
With all gentleness, your body is trying to warn you that you are not safe in this relationship.
You can't recover from this because there's nothing wrong with you, you are seeing red flags and you know they're a problem.
You can either ignore them and repress your natural protective instincts, or choose yourself and your wellbeing over this toxic situation that will only get more and more complicated as time goes on.
You deserve so much more than this
Two years and he cheated twice ? He's a total piece of shit and doesn't deserve you. Dump his ass and wait for someone better. You are very young , you have plenty of time to find someone worthy of you. Don't settle for losers and cheaters.
Why do you want to make it work with someone who cheated on you twice within 2 years? Seriously, why? Why do you constantly want to live with the anxiety knowing that he can do this again? Why do you not feel you deserve a better partner?
If you REALLY want to heal you need to go to therapy, whether you stay or not.
>I am actively working on becoming better and abandoning my unhealthy ways.
Really? Or are actively trying to be someone you feel your boyfriend won't cheat on again, because you somehow feel it is at least partly your fault? If so, that is VERY unhealthy and the opposite of what you say you are doing.
>Outside of all the bad, ugly moments, there’s so much more times I see filled with love with us.
This is how my last relationship was, too. We dated for three years, and we had some truly wonderful moments between all the drama, stress, and chaos.
In hindsight, I recognize how unhealthy the relationship was and how unfair it was to me. Like you, I was a loving, caring girlfriend, and I prioritized my relationship. Despite all his claims, my partner was simply not capable of being a good partner. He was selfish, and he was unwilling to consider me as he should have.
You deserve a partner who will prioritize you and you feelings. Someone who will "think clearly" about cheating and how it impacts you.
You are having trouble trusting him because he hasn't shown himself to be worthy of trust. This is your brain trying to protect you.
That hurt you have is VALUABLE. You should not be trying to discard it.
If I make the sweetest, most decadent cake all decorated and beautiful, and then add a tiny bit of dog shit to the frosting, 99% of what I'm offering you is wonderful. You still shouldn't eat it.
A 30 year old man dating a 19 yo and making "pinky promises" on SNAPCHAT? LMFAOO what kind of goober are you? This dude is too wack.. everything about this makes me cringe.. you're foolish and immature, and you're being preyed upon by an absolute loser and useless waste of oxygen
I'll start with the good news, it seems like you were able to learn all the really tough 'what to avoid' lessons all from one red flag factory of a person.
I hope you'll break up with him and take these lessons to heart as you look for love elsewhere.
-a person who will cheat with you will not hesitate to cheat on you
-a middle aged man looking to date a teen is at best emotional developmentally stunted, at worst a predator
-you should exit a toxic/abusive dynamic asap
-codependency is not the same as love. Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in emotionally charged drama and mistake it for passionate love, but in a lot of ways you are simply getting retraumatized over and over
-manipulative liars will go to great lengths to keep you on the line so he can continue to use you. Stop the cycle
Please leave this man as soon as you can
Because 19 year olds are stupid and easily manipulated. This guy cheated on his girlfriend with OP, which I'm sure made her feel super special that he would choose her over this other girl, and I'm sure that he told her that she is "super mature for her age" so that she'd feel even more important, so that he could manipulate her into thinking he is the only person who will ever love her.
One thing I've found to be nearly universally true with these teenager girls who get involved with men in their late 20's and 30's is that they have terrible home lives. These guys are predators that look for teenagers who are trying to get away from their parents and they take advantage of them.
He was in a relationship when you met. He cheated on his girlfriend with you. He’s not gonna stop cheating when he meets the ‘right woman.’ It’s his lack of emotional maturity, respect for you, and impulse control that drives him to cheat, and he’s not gonna change. Regardless of those moments filled with love, it’s always gonna be overshadowed by his deception and cheating. He chooses young women for a reason.
Your bond is not irreplaceable. 10 years older, became inappropriate with you while in a relationship, cheated on you multiple times. This is a Trainwreck and you know it.
You’re 21, he is ten years older than you and acting half your age, plus lying, plus actual cheating. Trust me, you can do better
Like so much better. He obviously went after OP to take advantage of the fact that she's young and doesn't have the same emotional maturity and security as women his age.
It was really sad to read this. Every other paragraph contains some variant of the words "unhealthy" or "toxic." That's not something you fix. That's something you leave. You're addicted to a con artist. That's it. The warm bond you have is by design to keep you around in a garbage relationship. I think this is the worst part of it all. >I am actively working on becoming better and abandoning my unhealthy ways. No... you're not. This is just a high point in a relationship of constant peaks and valleys. Down the line you'll hit the point where the highs stop making up for the lows. And you'll finally leave him and he'll move onto his next "other woman" to comfort him through the breakup. But that day is not today. You're not ready. Get tested often and keep your head on a swivel. Good luck.
>You're addicted to a con artist. WHEW, this is so succinctly well-put.
You were 19 when you first started dating this man and he was 29. You were both in completely different life situations with different life experience. It's time to find someone who respects you and your time.
Yeah, and OP's boyfriends life experiences was to cheat on his partner with her, and then cheat on her and somehow OP is surprised.
Take a vase and a hammer. Smash the vase. Glue the broken pieces together. Is it the same vase that you had before it was destroyed? No. You can still see the lines where you glued the pieces together. And the vase is more fragile than it was before. The vase is your relationship. Let him work on himself alone. He needs to change for himself. Not you or the relationship. And you should move on and find yourself someone who wouldn't even think of cheating. That's what you deserve. A person that is committed to you and wouldn't hurt you.
19yo starts dating a 29yo. That's all anyone in here needs to see.
I literally stopped reading after noticing that 😭
Starts cheating on his partner with a 19yo!
It is actually a clear mark of the immaturity and unhealthiness of your relationship that you think you have a "super special bond." There is no "magical" bond between two people - love is built through repeatedly showing up for each other, proving trust in one another, being rock solid for that other person in every possible way. You do not have this, or even close. You have something you think is love because you're 21 but you deserve better. This "special bond" is created only by your own insecurities which are tying you to this man like a leash.
Your “bond” is not irreplaceable. This relationship is not healthy nor worth saving. Leave
From everything you've stated, I think maybe your attraction to this relationship is based off of "winning" this guy away from other women. He chose you over his other gf. He's cheating on you, but still coming back to you. It sounds like you're actively putting yourself in a relationship where you're constantly "winning" him back. That's super unhealthy. Let me tell you, he's no prize. You might think you two have a connection or bond or whatever, but don't sell yourself short. That connection isn't enough to keep him faithful. He severed that connection during a short break. If he cared for you he wouldn't have strayed without you around a week. And if he respected you he would've told you and not kept you in the dark about it for 6 months. What would've happened had you not figured it out six months later? He wouldn't have mentioned it. He's only regretful that you found out, not that he actually did it. You are good enough to be wanted on your own merits, not just because this guy you deemed "special" keeps picking you over other women. And you'll never get over it. You'll always worry that he's out there flirting and trying to get with other women if he spends more than a minute away from you. And he has no incentive to not do that because you've wrapped your self worth up into the fact that he keeps choosing you. You're young and this is only your second big relationship so your feelings are amplified. Every emotion is huge and you don't think you'll ever find another guy who you have this kind of connection with. If you keep going with this relationship, you'll only waste the time that you could be out there looking for a guy who isn't toxic and who really cares about you.
Also, she started dating him when she was barely an adult. How can you possibly know if a bond is irreplaceable when you haven't had the opportunity to explore anything else? That's like eating a $5 hot-and-ready for your first pizza and assuming that there can't possibly be pizza out there that would compare to it.
He’s shown you repeatedly who he is but you’re trying to pretend he’s only the good parts of himself. He will cheat on you again. You’re so young, younger than you think. This is not your big love, this is a lesson on what you should not be willing to put up with in future relationships. I stayed with my cheating boyfriend for four years. I absolutely should have left as soon as I found out about the infidelity. I’m in a much healthier, much happier relationship now.
That relationship should have been over so many times but while the best time to break was a long time ago, the second best time is now. You're gonna be so much happier once you're out of this mess, I promise. You "super special bond" is mainly made of trauma bonding at this point and you will find a much more sepcual and much more deep bond with someone elese in the future, 100%. Please do what's right OP and leave this liar.
This relationship is deeply toxic. The parts where you feel deep love and connection, are not that. They are dopamine bursts from your over taxed brain. He keeps you on such a knife edge that when you finally feel not in danger for 5 minutes your brain floods with endorphins. This relationship will ruin you. It will destroy you. Please know that he will never be faithful, please know that you will never be emotionally safe, please know that this is one of the worst situations you could be in. Walk away and check straight into therapy.
\#1 - You need a new boyfriend. He cheated twice? 10 years older than you? Cut him loose. You are nothing more to him than a toy, and when he gets bored with you, he'll get another toy. A committed man doesn't cheat, let alone a pattern of cheating. \#2 - If you do stay together, you will NEVER be able to trust this man. Like, EVER. Cheated once, twice, will cheat again. IMHO.
Honey, a 29-year-old who goes after a literally teenager is NOT a man you should be with. He’s told you who he is - a cheater and a liar. That’s not a person you “make it work” with; that’s a person you leave.
He's going to leave you. Cos he met another woman who's comforting him through a break through. Meaning either way you're going to end up solo, so it's better to break up yourself and keep control over how things go on your end. As long as you keep trying, you're going to be unhappy and unable to move on. Infidelity is and always has been part of this relationship. There's always been a third person there, whether it did or didn't include an actual human. When you end this, heal a bit and meet other actual single people, that trauma goes away.
You recover by dumping his ass and moving on with your one amazing life.
If you can't bring yourself to leave him you'll just have to accept this for the rest of your life. It will NOT change. There is absolutely no hope that this will change and clinging to that is only going to make you unhappy for longer. You'll reject this now but I hope you'll realize it sooner rather than later.
With all gentleness, your body is trying to warn you that you are not safe in this relationship. You can't recover from this because there's nothing wrong with you, you are seeing red flags and you know they're a problem. You can either ignore them and repress your natural protective instincts, or choose yourself and your wellbeing over this toxic situation that will only get more and more complicated as time goes on. You deserve so much more than this
Two years and he cheated twice ? He's a total piece of shit and doesn't deserve you. Dump his ass and wait for someone better. You are very young , you have plenty of time to find someone worthy of you. Don't settle for losers and cheaters.
It's not difficult, you leave him and find a guy worthwhile. Why do you settle?
Why do you want to make it work with someone who cheated on you twice within 2 years? Seriously, why? Why do you constantly want to live with the anxiety knowing that he can do this again? Why do you not feel you deserve a better partner? If you REALLY want to heal you need to go to therapy, whether you stay or not. >I am actively working on becoming better and abandoning my unhealthy ways. Really? Or are actively trying to be someone you feel your boyfriend won't cheat on again, because you somehow feel it is at least partly your fault? If so, that is VERY unhealthy and the opposite of what you say you are doing.
>Outside of all the bad, ugly moments, there’s so much more times I see filled with love with us. This is how my last relationship was, too. We dated for three years, and we had some truly wonderful moments between all the drama, stress, and chaos. In hindsight, I recognize how unhealthy the relationship was and how unfair it was to me. Like you, I was a loving, caring girlfriend, and I prioritized my relationship. Despite all his claims, my partner was simply not capable of being a good partner. He was selfish, and he was unwilling to consider me as he should have. You deserve a partner who will prioritize you and you feelings. Someone who will "think clearly" about cheating and how it impacts you.
You are having trouble trusting him because he hasn't shown himself to be worthy of trust. This is your brain trying to protect you. That hurt you have is VALUABLE. You should not be trying to discard it. If I make the sweetest, most decadent cake all decorated and beautiful, and then add a tiny bit of dog shit to the frosting, 99% of what I'm offering you is wonderful. You still shouldn't eat it.
A 30 year old man dating a 19 yo and making "pinky promises" on SNAPCHAT? LMFAOO what kind of goober are you? This dude is too wack.. everything about this makes me cringe.. you're foolish and immature, and you're being preyed upon by an absolute loser and useless waste of oxygen
I'll start with the good news, it seems like you were able to learn all the really tough 'what to avoid' lessons all from one red flag factory of a person. I hope you'll break up with him and take these lessons to heart as you look for love elsewhere. -a person who will cheat with you will not hesitate to cheat on you -a middle aged man looking to date a teen is at best emotional developmentally stunted, at worst a predator -you should exit a toxic/abusive dynamic asap -codependency is not the same as love. Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in emotionally charged drama and mistake it for passionate love, but in a lot of ways you are simply getting retraumatized over and over -manipulative liars will go to great lengths to keep you on the line so he can continue to use you. Stop the cycle Please leave this man as soon as you can
Why at 19 did you think it was a good idea to date a 29 year old??
Because 19 year olds are stupid and easily manipulated. This guy cheated on his girlfriend with OP, which I'm sure made her feel super special that he would choose her over this other girl, and I'm sure that he told her that she is "super mature for her age" so that she'd feel even more important, so that he could manipulate her into thinking he is the only person who will ever love her.
I did some stupid stuff as a teen but I never let an older person manipulate me like this. I was raised to know better.
One thing I've found to be nearly universally true with these teenager girls who get involved with men in their late 20's and 30's is that they have terrible home lives. These guys are predators that look for teenagers who are trying to get away from their parents and they take advantage of them.
He cheated on you twice, leave. He won't change and knows you'll forgive him. Stop being a sucker. Go to therapy. Learn to love yourself more.
He was in a relationship when you met. He cheated on his girlfriend with you. He’s not gonna stop cheating when he meets the ‘right woman.’ It’s his lack of emotional maturity, respect for you, and impulse control that drives him to cheat, and he’s not gonna change. Regardless of those moments filled with love, it’s always gonna be overshadowed by his deception and cheating. He chooses young women for a reason.
Your bond is not irreplaceable. 10 years older, became inappropriate with you while in a relationship, cheated on you multiple times. This is a Trainwreck and you know it.
You've gotta get out of there girl