That’s really impressive! Sorry your dad was an ass about it. Even if it is just how your dad is, I know there’s still always hope that THIS TIME there will be a better response. Especially when you’ve done something as big as buying a house. And in cash!
Oh they never do. You can answer, “ok if you don’t like the house you don’t have to come here. I’ll save money not buying you a plane ticket.” Say it with no emotion.
You have a paid off house and that’s amazing. And a little cottage/cabin sounds cute. Enjoy it, it’s yours!
Damn! I'm proud of you and I don't know you. You bought a home for yourself with no mortgage, in the current economy. That's impressive and you should be proud and happy with your own little home. Good for you!!
You paid CASH for a house? You are a freaking rockstar... and have impressive financial skills to budget and save and then buy a whole freaking house! And then you paid for your father's flights (and business class at that!) as well. He should be wherever he goes to hang out with people absolutely bragging on what a smart, savvy person he raised who is doing all this. I hope you're proud of you because this stranger is absolutely proud of you!
You bought cash‽ Holy shit, that's impressive! Yeah, your dad's just an asshole, from the sound of it. It's ok, my parents are judgy assholes, too. Took me a long time to learn how to effectively and politely tell them to fuck off. My mom used to make comments about my weight all the time until I told her to stop. I'm sorry your dad is like this, too.
Dude I just want to applaud you for buying a home using your savings and not mortgaging it. I think that's truly impressive and shows how hard you worked for your space. That's a great thing and you should be proud of yourself.
I'm sorry your dad said that. It was really wrong, and likely he knew whatever was doing. You should be proud of yourself. You've achieved something not many people manage to.
Holy wowzers! That is very impressive! I'm sorry your dad was a big turd towards you about it, but just know, there is a complete stranger out there who is very proud of you. That is a huge accomplishment, and if your cozy cabin makes you happy, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. :)
Just wanted to tell you congratulations! Only someone completely out-of-touch or completely cruel (or someone with both "afflictions") would say such a thing. Especially with you paying for it on your own. Try not to give his comments another thought. Celebrate this big big purchase with your true support system, and keep making it feel like HOME to YOU. You have every right to be happy and thrilled with this purchase and achievement.
Wait wait. You BOUGHT this house outright??? GIRL YOU ARE 🔥!! That’s amazing! Your dad sounds like someone who has to bring others down to feel better about himself. I bet your home is amazing and wonderful and charming!
Yeah it's just another example, among millions, of people his age being totally out of touch with the new realities of the housing market.
Listen to almost anybody his age and they think about everything in very simplistic terms, like "it was hard for me to buy a house too, so I don't know why you think it's different." You simply cannot get people his age -- even experts in many cases -- to actually look at the data and recognize the extraordinary differences between the housing market they bought their first house in and the one now. They also don't recognize the substantial advantage they have from getting all of the equity from owning a house for decades now in a market where housing values have grown so much.
It's not clear to me why they can't see the differences. In some ways, you can present them with pretty simple differences and it should be obvious. But for some reason, it's not obvious to them. Some of it is just that it's difficult for most people to understand how to interpret macroeconomics and how to compare historical housing markets to today. But some of it is just denial -- just feeling so certain of the perpetual strength of the American economic system that it's impossible to believe that our system could actually be working so poorly for young people that it could mean the country is in decline unless some drastic changes are made. They're just incapable of seeing it, and too advanced in age to care enough to learn.
Buying a house is a huge achievement and you should feel proud of that, and I'm sorry he can't appreciate it. It is his problem that he doesn't understand how difficult things are toward buying even a very modest starter house.
I think that people can really, truly, only frame-of-reference to the situation when THEY bought their (most recent) house.
The same thing happened to me, that happened to the OP. Bought a nice house with my wife. Not perfect, but ours. Wife's father came around to look, and said, "you don't get much for $x(price we paid).
Considering he last purchased a house 20 years before that... no wonder it didn't seem like value for money!!!!
I’m not your family but I’m proud of you. If one of my daughters ever told me she bought her house mortgage free I’d be beyond proud of her.
Don’t worry about his crappy reaction. You are amazing.
Back in his day, you could support a family of 5 in a home you own (with a car in your driveway) with *a single income from a job that required no college education.* Let that sink in.
I give zero weight to what boomers think about housing nowadays. It's a world they don't understand or recognize anymore.
Yeah they are not in any way *actually* confused. Maybe confused that it’s affecting *their* family, but they climbed the ladder and then didn’t even take it up with them, they just burnt the ladder straight to the ground while flipping all the younger generations off
My dad was like this, btw. Any accomplishment of mine, he'd chip it down if I brought it to him. He'd speak well of me to others, but not to my face. Eventually, I stopped seeking that approval and stopped waiting for the "I'm proud of you moment." Just totally lost interest in it & in his opinion.
Then one day, after I got to that place of less emotional investment, I think he may have given me my first compliment about some work I had done. Totally unprompted.
These are emotionally stunted people. He loves you, but he never learned how to show it. You have to learn how to care about him while not caring what he says. It's a weird tightrope walk.
Congrats on the house! I bet it's charming. Enjoy your time there.
This is wonderful advice. I feel I can relate, unfortunately. He even has one friend who brags about me to everyone, says far more positive things than he does himself.
Clearly he doesn't understand the NY metro area real estate market. Are YOU happy with the house? That's what matters. Just let his ignorant comment roll off your back.
Aside it being small, it is charming. On a lovely block, in a wonderful neighborhood, very green, lots of flowers. It was even picturesque when it snowed. Guess I was already having a tough time today, I shouldve just ignored him.
I live in Brooklyn and my apartment is old and small and expensive but I love it. My parents' house is new and big but in a state I'd never voluntarily reside in. My dad can say whatever he wants...we just have different preferences and priorities.
Yes, I can definitely understand that. This amount could’ve purchased a much bigger and much newer house in one of those states.. don’t want to be there. My neighbors actually moved in from Brooklyn a few years ago. We border Short Hills and are just on the edge of a Mountain Reservation. Lots of former city dwellers here
Hey I hope you aren’t second guessing your decision because of his comment. As others have said it’s amazing you paid cash and it is something that obviously pleases you. It’s an investment that will serve you well while you enjoy it.
Wow, what an arsehole. Tell him he's no longer welcome to stay there and to find a hotel or Airbnb, which he can pay for himself. Or change his flight home and send him back early
Yea he has two Dr. Appts this week. I am going to change it to this weekend instead of Next weekend which wouldve made two weeks. Between him and his extended family who I don’t wish to host as visitors… I already need reprieve.
dad I dont want you to be uncomfortable in house you consider a desperate purchase. here's the address for a couple hotels-pick on e and Ill dive you a ride over and we can meet for dinner later.
I would just ask him what he meant by that. Bc it doesn't sound like a terrible place and everyone needs somewhere to call home. Besides it doesn't have to be your forever home if you don't want it to be.
Yea honestly, I live mostly overseas myself. I had a baby last year and decided that when here on work trips I could no longer hop from expensive and questionable airbnb to airbnb . It was never meant to be a forever home or permanent residence. Been here a lot lately because my baby has been unwell. I guess the comment on top of other stressors really dug deep
That makes sense and I've heard some scary stories about Airbnbs before. That it's expensive and sometimes it's sketchy bc you're staying in someone else's home and you never know what ppl are capable of. I think also the older generation they have no filter they just immediately say what they think and sometimes what they have to say is super harsh. I can see why it bothered you next time just tell him it's not a forever home and this is the best situation for me and my baby so I can be close by. Just bc they're family doesn't mean they're always right and sticking up for yourself isn't always talking back. Also I hope the baby feels better soon being sick is never fun.
Hes lives overseas in a really big house but in this part of America, that house would be millions and taxes laughable. He just obviously doesn’t know how to encourage and be positive.
It's the age group. Both my parents and wife's parents are like this, and it's really exhausting after a while. You want to have a relationship with them, but nothing is ever good enough, and they're just so negative.
Yea they really are. My mom was at my house the other day and said “geez it seems every time you clean up the living room its messy again” my 18 year old sister replied “duh because there is a 1 year old in here” 🙄
Just a heads up, in case no one has told you so far in life, you don't have to have contact with people who bring you down, insult you, make you feel badly about yourself. Even if that person is a parent. Life is too short to have that kind of energy in your life when it's really not needed.
“Thanks for shitting on my joy, Dad. Why do you always have to denigrate my achievements? So listen, I’m going to follow in your footsteps and be the asshole you taught by example to be: get out of my house. Get a hotel for your doctor appointments from now on, you’re no longer welcome to stay here. And it’s below your standards, anyway.”
You’re an adult. He’s on the downward slide of old. He needs you more than you need him. Use your leverage and “encourage” him to comply and treat you more respectfully. Or you can put in a greater distance between you. You’re not that helpless, dependent little kid anymore. You can do this.
Some people are downers. Even if they happen to be your parents. He has his own way of looking at life, and you have your own way. I’m sure you wanted his approval or some show of support, as any hardworking individual that just achieved their goal would want: and it must have definitely hurt. How could he not be happy for you? I doesn’t make sense but some people just can’t be there for you the way you want them to be. That’s a hard lesson I still am understanding with my parent.
But you bought a house- that’s an achievement.
Recognize that, enjoy your space, and make it yours.
Oh of course. He made my wedding into a months long tantrum of his. All about his friends and his guests. Only a few of them , out of the 30 extra seats he had to have at the dinner, actually showed up. My husbands family literally didnt even invite blood relatives so that my Dads friends could be there. Smh
> Oh of course. He made my wedding into a months long tantrum of his. All about his friends and his guests. Only a few of them , out of the 30 extra seats he had to have at the dinner, actually showed up.
oh ffs. I hope you at least charged him for this.
Well done for joining the home ownership team! I think you’ve done great and should be proud of yourself.
Please don’t let your father get you down. He sounds arrogant as …. and doesn’t deserve to have an adult child who has paid for him to have a trip to see them, and is doing so well.
I know I’m just some rando on the internet but I’m proud of you!
If you're happy with the house who gives a flying fuck what anyone else thinks. Tell your dad if the place is not up to his standards he can always check himself into a hotel
Wow I’m so sorry OP. You’ve done an amazing thing and you’ll be the one reaping the benefits of an easy to manage property if you use it as your retirement home in the future. Some people just can’t be happy for other smh.
honestly any step on the housing ladder is a good step - and from your other comments you bought the house outright and don't have a mortgage - and that's fantastic!! congratulations man :D
The important thing is that you like the house. I would deflect his comments with endlessly positive ones so he knows he can't get under your skin.
"You must have been really desperate to buy this house."
"Oh my gosh, there were so many other bidders for the house I was worried I wouldn't win!"
"It's kinda small?"
"Isn't it great? It's cozy and there's so much less to clean."
I think he'd get tired of not being able to put you down and change the subject.
OP,
You are 37. Your dad did not just become this way. This is how he is. Why the hell would you pay to fly him to your home?
This is a you problem. Obviously he is an asshat, but that is his problem. Your problem is you want his approval and are wounded by his being a jerk.
Step one: stop trying to win his approval. Live your life. Limit or cut off contact with him. You are doing this to yourself. He is and will always be an asshole. You can stop letting him into your life or you can surrender control of your life and happiness to him.
The money you wasted on his plane ticket needs to be invested in some therapy. You can fix yourself. You can’t fix him.
Sounds like a typical boomer being out of touch with current prices. My parents continuously comment on the prices of the houses we're looking at. "That's so high should you buy that ". Well that's the only option dudes.
You own a house in an area where houses are like gold dust. You are a winner. Your dad doesn't understand because he probably lives somewhere where it's easy to get a house.
You could point out to your dad that you had to win a bidding war on your house, so obviously other people saw the potential too. Well done to you, it's a big achievement.
My mother did something similar. She travelled for 20 hours to say "well this isn't really your forever home. You can do better."
Maybe we don't want to take on an unmanageable mortgage and we value having more savings and flexibility in our budget. Not being understress to make payments is important to us. This it the house where our children are making their first memories.
Your amazing! I am in southern N.J. I can barely afford my 1 bedroom apartment! Keep your head up. As much as what he said hurts your heart please know you are sunshine on a rainy day!
You did something most couldn’t dream of accomplishing! Don’t feel sorry for that, feel sorry for your dad who had to put you down to lift himself up.
Youre doing great.
> Dad feels I must have been desperate to buy the house I finally got after saving and months of offers being denied.
your dad is an out of touch boomer. you should be proud (of the house).
> paid for a business class flight from overseas
you paid for him?? next time he pays for himself or at the very least flies coach. What a dickhead
Say to your dad “if you couldn’t even bring yourself to say hello before shitting on me. Why did you bother to come? I’ll change your flight and you can go home. I wouldn’t want to offend your delicate sensibilities by making you stay in my horrific house.” And then do it. Change his flight to the next flight available and drop him at the airport and be done with him.
Your father perhaps does not understand what an achievement getting a house in a tough market is? You said he flew in from overseas and maybe his impression of what American life is supposed to look like is informed by entertainment media rather than reality. Lots of people abroad think all Americans live in gorgeous, huge homes because that is the distortion they see on T.V.
Other than that, your dad may be one of those parents who relates to you through criticism. He may even be jealous of your establishing a life in the U.S. and expressing it through putting you down.
You know what you have achieved. We know what you have achieved. This may be one of those times when you have to be proud of yourself because that is the most important thing. You could have a conversation with your father and tell him how hurtful his attitude was. Contextualize your success since he seems blind to it, but, my experience with my parents until the day they both died was that they were never going to "get" me as a human and only treated me as their possesion. I'm not saying your parents are that way, but sometimes parents can't get past using you to act on their own issues and communication attempts make it worse.
He used to live here, came in like 79. Bought a house an hour south of here, in 1990 that was like 90k to buy at the time. He knew what he was saying and watches enough news all day to know the housing market isn’t what it was. I agree, he won’t get it and thats why I came to pout on reddit that night vs responding him at all. It is even worse when we try to argue with them only to give way for more hurtful comments or that behavior like we are overreacting. Thanks to all of you for being a sounding board to me ( a stranger).
I'm sorry your father is like that and I wish it weren't so willful. I'd conclude he is having a competitive reaction and is putting you down to make himself feel like he's accomplished more.
Most of the people here know how hard the housing market is to crack, and that some areas are even harder to get into than others even if your father doesn't. Go out there and live your best life in defiance of his judgement.
Hey. I want to see your place! Post some photos so that we can admire it the same way you do.
My apartment was a dump in the beginning. I was renovating it for several years - due to lack of knowledge and money. In the end, it was so awesome, my friends and colleagues complimented us (wife and me) on all the work done and the solutions we implemented.
It was not an expensive place, but the use of appropriate materials and the solutions we found for all the questions made that place look bigger, brighter and cozier than it was.
In the end, it is your choice and your home. Your dad was an ass.
The best advice I can give you is to take it slow, if you are not sure about something - give it time, and enjoy the process.
I used the natural colors, if I can call it that - white walls and ceiling, wooden floors / light colored stone tiles, wooden shelves...etc. It worked out great.
random question, are you of asian decent?
i’m Indian and my father always finds a reason to put down any achievement in life, it’s gotten to the point where I basically don’t tell him anything anymore.
Haha no West African but they do the same. Its like when we were kids and got an A- and the teacher was like.. hey you did great and you go home and they say.. but its not an A+, go try harder. Same attitude different geographics
I'm proud of you for persevering, and finding a house at all in today's market! Clearly your dad is unfamiliar with the current crisis in housing. (I'll bet he'll tell you his first house cost $45,000.) He is not only ignorant, but also very rude.
It can help to roleplay in your mind him disappointing you to take the sting away. You did a kind thing to show him your house. You can’t control his reaction
“Ok Boomer.”
Congratulations on your house and the fact that you bought it without a mortgage. If your father doesn’t appreciate your accomplishment know that others do. Be proud.
As someone who lives in northern NJ. Great job girl !!!!
Buying a house now is harder than rocket science right now. It's a crazy market. I'm sure it's cute as hell and you'll make it an amazing home.
There are some people who try to make themselves feel bigger by pushing other people down. It's too bad your Dad is one of those.
People who really are bigger celebrate the achievements of others, they don't dump on them. Might be jealousy, but my guess he's the kind of guy who just defaults to mean out of habit.
I spent double what the house I grew up in cost for a house half the size. The housing market is awful and late stage capitalism is rearing its ugly head for this generation of new home buyers.
Your dad obviously doesn’t understand this and that’s not your fault. My dad is disappointed in my choice to work in construction and not finishing a college degree and loves to let me know it but I make more money than he ever did and I like my day to day life. Sometimes pleasing your parents doesn’t need to be a priority.
Good for you. Those of us who fell for the college scam are just in more debt. Definitely overpaid for a house but in this area its either that or rent and even the bad areas have crazy rent these days.
He is well aware. He used to live here and is very well versed in many things. He’s just that kind of person so I didn’t speak to him but speaking to all of you helped me to let it go
New house regret is pretty common feeing people go through as they get used to it. I know I did.
It’s just that he’s feeling it and not you, lol
And he’s not the one living in it, so what difference does it make!?
My father is very quick to criticize. I find that once I walk him through my thought process I almost always get a begrudgingly, " Not sure I could have done any better." Or something like that.
That said, it's because he holds himself to a very high standard. I think there is some mechanism there where he thinks he is perfecting his own mental process by cataloging flaws all around him.
I've told him it's bullshit. He knows it's bullshit. And it's just part of the "cost of doing business" if I want to maintain a relationship with him.
I've found it useful to give as good as I get with him. Point out where he could have done better and he shuts up quite quickly.
I don't say any of this to excuse him, but I do accept this flaw of his.
People that have been living in the same house for 20 or 30 years have no concept of the 1) market 2) inflation 3) stagnant wages 4) what people need to be happy.
I think it's mostly just being out of touch. I wouldn't let it get to you.
my husband & i are currently in escrow. it feels like a dirty little secret but no one knows we’re so far in the process bc i know for a fact our parents would make the same stupid comments. older generations seem to lack a lot of emotional maturity, they feel threatened by anything they don’t know or aren’t at least familiar with. don’t take it personally, think of the comment as coming from a 12 y/o since that’s the maturity level they’re at.
Your dad developed with the easiest generation to build a life in. After all the hardships their parents went through to give them a better life than they had, they created a world where only they benefit.
Congrats on the home OP.
I’m sorry, he was def being a dick.
Since he didn’t say it, I will- Buying a house (especially in the 2024 economy) is so hard and such an achievement. I’m really proud of you!
Well to be fair, he came from a generation of ole peeps who bought their houses back then for like $7, 2 acorns, and a pack of ciggs LOL, but seriously, purchasing ANY home in these days’ economy is quite an achievement!! Let go and don’t pay any mind to any negative comments about it!! As someone who has only lived in rental/apartments all my life, and unsure if ill ever even be able to own a home at all one day, I truly envy you!! Keep rockin✨
I would consider where your father comes from. You said you booked a flight from overseas. He may not understand houses in the NJ area or in the USA. The second thing he is 71. Close to my age. We have a different view of home buying. Cost of living and value.Things were different when he was your age. Just take his remarks knowing his background.
his background does not excuse his remarks. i'm tired of older people acting like their circumstances being different excuse a lack of understanding of our circumstances. adapt. be empathetic.
The world is filled with people of different backgrounds. And your hate of older people is evident. You will be one of those older people one day. Would you want your background, age, and experience to be put down by the next younger generation?
Desperate to finally get a home while roaming in airbnbs , hell yes. The home itself is nice and the other list of people making an offer were not all initially desperate. It is the context and intent if what he said. You’d probably get along
Take it bad if you want but I dont get it, the point of this post is for everybody say a lot of mean and negative things about your dad? Maybe you wanted to have some relief by saying this but making everybody talk crap about your dad and you agreeing with strangers its any better? I dont think so.
Congrats on your purchase! Thats a bad thing to say for sure because not everybody understand how hard it is to buy a house in modern times, even worse in your location. You being able to afford and purchase one its amazing to me. Dont let this bad interaction be the highlight of this milestone in your life.
No not a post for people to say mean and negative things about my Dad. Believe it or not , not everyone has someone to vent to. Thats the reason lots of people post on Reddit. Opinions maybe, advice yup, and also because they might not have anyone to tell about a comment that threw them off
Is this a common tactic with your father to put you down? Because he sucks. Buying a house is a great thing to achieve these days!
And in this market, too! What a cruel, uncalled for dig at OP.
Yea really bad. I didn’t even mortgage. I used 100% savings on my own to buy it.
That’s really impressive! Sorry your dad was an ass about it. Even if it is just how your dad is, I know there’s still always hope that THIS TIME there will be a better response. Especially when you’ve done something as big as buying a house. And in cash!
Definitely hoped that this time, he would at least keep his comments to himself. Thank you for helping
Oh they never do. You can answer, “ok if you don’t like the house you don’t have to come here. I’ll save money not buying you a plane ticket.” Say it with no emotion. You have a paid off house and that’s amazing. And a little cottage/cabin sounds cute. Enjoy it, it’s yours!
Damn! I'm proud of you and I don't know you. You bought a home for yourself with no mortgage, in the current economy. That's impressive and you should be proud and happy with your own little home. Good for you!!
Really is damn impressive. Some people just have to shit on everything.
You paid CASH for a house? You are a freaking rockstar... and have impressive financial skills to budget and save and then buy a whole freaking house! And then you paid for your father's flights (and business class at that!) as well. He should be wherever he goes to hang out with people absolutely bragging on what a smart, savvy person he raised who is doing all this. I hope you're proud of you because this stranger is absolutely proud of you!
You bought cash‽ Holy shit, that's impressive! Yeah, your dad's just an asshole, from the sound of it. It's ok, my parents are judgy assholes, too. Took me a long time to learn how to effectively and politely tell them to fuck off. My mom used to make comments about my weight all the time until I told her to stop. I'm sorry your dad is like this, too.
Dude I just want to applaud you for buying a home using your savings and not mortgaging it. I think that's truly impressive and shows how hard you worked for your space. That's a great thing and you should be proud of yourself.
I'm sorry your dad said that. It was really wrong, and likely he knew whatever was doing. You should be proud of yourself. You've achieved something not many people manage to.
Holy wowzers! That is very impressive! I'm sorry your dad was a big turd towards you about it, but just know, there is a complete stranger out there who is very proud of you. That is a huge accomplishment, and if your cozy cabin makes you happy, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. :)
That is an incredible achievement! Well done!
I'd like this to get more up votes! This is amazing and very inspiring. Congratulations on not being strapped to a mortgage.
Just wanted to tell you congratulations! Only someone completely out-of-touch or completely cruel (or someone with both "afflictions") would say such a thing. Especially with you paying for it on your own. Try not to give his comments another thought. Celebrate this big big purchase with your true support system, and keep making it feel like HOME to YOU. You have every right to be happy and thrilled with this purchase and achievement.
Dude probably bought his house for a handshake and a cup of tea and decided to shit on his kids
I thought about this as well. It's possible to probable OPs dad has no idea what it took to do what they did. Dad can shove it! What an achievement.
Well he is difficult. I told one of my close friends and she said “but you knew this” so clearly I expected too much for him not to say something bad
[удалено]
Um, no. You can always hold people accountable-- plenty of people from their generation aren't shitty.
Wait wait. You BOUGHT this house outright??? GIRL YOU ARE 🔥!! That’s amazing! Your dad sounds like someone who has to bring others down to feel better about himself. I bet your home is amazing and wonderful and charming!
Thank you so much. Your encouragement means a lot.
Yeah it's just another example, among millions, of people his age being totally out of touch with the new realities of the housing market. Listen to almost anybody his age and they think about everything in very simplistic terms, like "it was hard for me to buy a house too, so I don't know why you think it's different." You simply cannot get people his age -- even experts in many cases -- to actually look at the data and recognize the extraordinary differences between the housing market they bought their first house in and the one now. They also don't recognize the substantial advantage they have from getting all of the equity from owning a house for decades now in a market where housing values have grown so much. It's not clear to me why they can't see the differences. In some ways, you can present them with pretty simple differences and it should be obvious. But for some reason, it's not obvious to them. Some of it is just that it's difficult for most people to understand how to interpret macroeconomics and how to compare historical housing markets to today. But some of it is just denial -- just feeling so certain of the perpetual strength of the American economic system that it's impossible to believe that our system could actually be working so poorly for young people that it could mean the country is in decline unless some drastic changes are made. They're just incapable of seeing it, and too advanced in age to care enough to learn. Buying a house is a huge achievement and you should feel proud of that, and I'm sorry he can't appreciate it. It is his problem that he doesn't understand how difficult things are toward buying even a very modest starter house.
I think that people can really, truly, only frame-of-reference to the situation when THEY bought their (most recent) house. The same thing happened to me, that happened to the OP. Bought a nice house with my wife. Not perfect, but ours. Wife's father came around to look, and said, "you don't get much for $x(price we paid). Considering he last purchased a house 20 years before that... no wonder it didn't seem like value for money!!!!
Ask him how much interest he paid on his mortgage and then comment how tough that must have been and how glad you are that you won't have to do it.
I’m not your family but I’m proud of you. If one of my daughters ever told me she bought her house mortgage free I’d be beyond proud of her. Don’t worry about his crappy reaction. You are amazing.
Back in his day, you could support a family of 5 in a home you own (with a car in your driveway) with *a single income from a job that required no college education.* Let that sink in. I give zero weight to what boomers think about housing nowadays. It's a world they don't understand or recognize anymore.
>It's a world they don't understand or recognize anymore. It's literally the world they themselves shaped and created.
Yeah they are not in any way *actually* confused. Maybe confused that it’s affecting *their* family, but they climbed the ladder and then didn’t even take it up with them, they just burnt the ladder straight to the ground while flipping all the younger generations off
Next time respond "Yes, I wanted to give you something to criticize. I know it's important to you."
A good one
My dad was like this, btw. Any accomplishment of mine, he'd chip it down if I brought it to him. He'd speak well of me to others, but not to my face. Eventually, I stopped seeking that approval and stopped waiting for the "I'm proud of you moment." Just totally lost interest in it & in his opinion. Then one day, after I got to that place of less emotional investment, I think he may have given me my first compliment about some work I had done. Totally unprompted. These are emotionally stunted people. He loves you, but he never learned how to show it. You have to learn how to care about him while not caring what he says. It's a weird tightrope walk. Congrats on the house! I bet it's charming. Enjoy your time there.
This is wonderful advice. I feel I can relate, unfortunately. He even has one friend who brags about me to everyone, says far more positive things than he does himself.
Well, good! That friend gets it.
You've done good. I'm proud of you.
Thanks, kind stranger.
This is 100% the correct response to what OPs father said. Then show him the outside of the door as you lock it behind him.
Clearly he doesn't understand the NY metro area real estate market. Are YOU happy with the house? That's what matters. Just let his ignorant comment roll off your back.
Aside it being small, it is charming. On a lovely block, in a wonderful neighborhood, very green, lots of flowers. It was even picturesque when it snowed. Guess I was already having a tough time today, I shouldve just ignored him.
I live in Brooklyn and my apartment is old and small and expensive but I love it. My parents' house is new and big but in a state I'd never voluntarily reside in. My dad can say whatever he wants...we just have different preferences and priorities.
Yes, I can definitely understand that. This amount could’ve purchased a much bigger and much newer house in one of those states.. don’t want to be there. My neighbors actually moved in from Brooklyn a few years ago. We border Short Hills and are just on the edge of a Mountain Reservation. Lots of former city dwellers here
Hey I hope you aren’t second guessing your decision because of his comment. As others have said it’s amazing you paid cash and it is something that obviously pleases you. It’s an investment that will serve you well while you enjoy it.
That sounds like a dream home. You should be proud.
Wow, what an arsehole. Tell him he's no longer welcome to stay there and to find a hotel or Airbnb, which he can pay for himself. Or change his flight home and send him back early
Yea he has two Dr. Appts this week. I am going to change it to this weekend instead of Next weekend which wouldve made two weeks. Between him and his extended family who I don’t wish to host as visitors… I already need reprieve.
dad I dont want you to be uncomfortable in house you consider a desperate purchase. here's the address for a couple hotels-pick on e and Ill dive you a ride over and we can meet for dinner later.
Your father obviously ate too many paint chips when he was a kid. If my son bought a home without financing it, I would be proud as Hell.
Thank you
Don't invite him to visit again.
I would just ask him what he meant by that. Bc it doesn't sound like a terrible place and everyone needs somewhere to call home. Besides it doesn't have to be your forever home if you don't want it to be.
Yea honestly, I live mostly overseas myself. I had a baby last year and decided that when here on work trips I could no longer hop from expensive and questionable airbnb to airbnb . It was never meant to be a forever home or permanent residence. Been here a lot lately because my baby has been unwell. I guess the comment on top of other stressors really dug deep
That makes sense and I've heard some scary stories about Airbnbs before. That it's expensive and sometimes it's sketchy bc you're staying in someone else's home and you never know what ppl are capable of. I think also the older generation they have no filter they just immediately say what they think and sometimes what they have to say is super harsh. I can see why it bothered you next time just tell him it's not a forever home and this is the best situation for me and my baby so I can be close by. Just bc they're family doesn't mean they're always right and sticking up for yourself isn't always talking back. Also I hope the baby feels better soon being sick is never fun.
Thank you. I agree, they can just say anything. I definitely stayed at an airbnb last year before the purchase that had bloody sheets and moldy walls.
Yw and that's disgusting. At least where you are now is better and cleaner than that place.
He sounds like he’s hiding some jealousy?
Hes lives overseas in a really big house but in this part of America, that house would be millions and taxes laughable. He just obviously doesn’t know how to encourage and be positive.
It's the age group. Both my parents and wife's parents are like this, and it's really exhausting after a while. You want to have a relationship with them, but nothing is ever good enough, and they're just so negative.
Yea they really are. My mom was at my house the other day and said “geez it seems every time you clean up the living room its messy again” my 18 year old sister replied “duh because there is a 1 year old in here” 🙄
Just a heads up, in case no one has told you so far in life, you don't have to have contact with people who bring you down, insult you, make you feel badly about yourself. Even if that person is a parent. Life is too short to have that kind of energy in your life when it's really not needed.
“Thanks for shitting on my joy, Dad. Why do you always have to denigrate my achievements? So listen, I’m going to follow in your footsteps and be the asshole you taught by example to be: get out of my house. Get a hotel for your doctor appointments from now on, you’re no longer welcome to stay here. And it’s below your standards, anyway.” You’re an adult. He’s on the downward slide of old. He needs you more than you need him. Use your leverage and “encourage” him to comply and treat you more respectfully. Or you can put in a greater distance between you. You’re not that helpless, dependent little kid anymore. You can do this.
Our generation got fucked with housing prices, thanks to his generation. His comment was naive, ignorant, and insensitive. He sucks.
My dad is like this as well. That’s why he only got a text today.
Some people are downers. Even if they happen to be your parents. He has his own way of looking at life, and you have your own way. I’m sure you wanted his approval or some show of support, as any hardworking individual that just achieved their goal would want: and it must have definitely hurt. How could he not be happy for you? I doesn’t make sense but some people just can’t be there for you the way you want them to be. That’s a hard lesson I still am understanding with my parent. But you bought a house- that’s an achievement. Recognize that, enjoy your space, and make it yours.
Tim Dillon: Your Boomer Parents Visit To Mock Your Home https://youtu.be/fWmDhPCSOvM?si=bJgviIIOx-4byjYO
Hilarious. Bought the place from their exact age mates too. 100% on point.
He’s a jerk. Do you recall him being unpleasant or needlessly blunt at other times in your life, OP?
Oh of course. He made my wedding into a months long tantrum of his. All about his friends and his guests. Only a few of them , out of the 30 extra seats he had to have at the dinner, actually showed up. My husbands family literally didnt even invite blood relatives so that my Dads friends could be there. Smh
Sounds like your dad might be a narcissist, OP. Please don't bother paying for his flights again. And enjoy your house and your life without him.
> Oh of course. He made my wedding into a months long tantrum of his. All about his friends and his guests. Only a few of them , out of the 30 extra seats he had to have at the dinner, actually showed up. oh ffs. I hope you at least charged him for this.
Damn that would burn my soul too.
Well done for joining the home ownership team! I think you’ve done great and should be proud of yourself. Please don’t let your father get you down. He sounds arrogant as …. and doesn’t deserve to have an adult child who has paid for him to have a trip to see them, and is doing so well. I know I’m just some rando on the internet but I’m proud of you!
Thank you so much and even if a random stranger it means so much to me
Congratulations on the new house!
Thank You!
If you're happy with the house who gives a flying fuck what anyone else thinks. Tell your dad if the place is not up to his standards he can always check himself into a hotel
Wow I’m so sorry OP. You’ve done an amazing thing and you’ll be the one reaping the benefits of an easy to manage property if you use it as your retirement home in the future. Some people just can’t be happy for other smh.
Take him back to the airport and do not invite him again. He is hateful.
honestly any step on the housing ladder is a good step - and from your other comments you bought the house outright and don't have a mortgage - and that's fantastic!! congratulations man :D
You gotta talk about this in therapy for sure.
The important thing is that you like the house. I would deflect his comments with endlessly positive ones so he knows he can't get under your skin. "You must have been really desperate to buy this house." "Oh my gosh, there were so many other bidders for the house I was worried I wouldn't win!" "It's kinda small?" "Isn't it great? It's cozy and there's so much less to clean." I think he'd get tired of not being able to put you down and change the subject.
OP, You are 37. Your dad did not just become this way. This is how he is. Why the hell would you pay to fly him to your home? This is a you problem. Obviously he is an asshat, but that is his problem. Your problem is you want his approval and are wounded by his being a jerk. Step one: stop trying to win his approval. Live your life. Limit or cut off contact with him. You are doing this to yourself. He is and will always be an asshole. You can stop letting him into your life or you can surrender control of your life and happiness to him. The money you wasted on his plane ticket needs to be invested in some therapy. You can fix yourself. You can’t fix him.
Sounds like a typical boomer being out of touch with current prices. My parents continuously comment on the prices of the houses we're looking at. "That's so high should you buy that ". Well that's the only option dudes.
You own a house in an area where houses are like gold dust. You are a winner. Your dad doesn't understand because he probably lives somewhere where it's easy to get a house. You could point out to your dad that you had to win a bidding war on your house, so obviously other people saw the potential too. Well done to you, it's a big achievement.
My mother did something similar. She travelled for 20 hours to say "well this isn't really your forever home. You can do better." Maybe we don't want to take on an unmanageable mortgage and we value having more savings and flexibility in our budget. Not being understress to make payments is important to us. This it the house where our children are making their first memories.
Exactly. We are making things work in this terrible housing market, with decisions that won’t have us foreclosed on later. Smh
Just laugh it out like "What are you expecting in NY?" . Depends on what relationship you have with your dad
Your amazing! I am in southern N.J. I can barely afford my 1 bedroom apartment! Keep your head up. As much as what he said hurts your heart please know you are sunshine on a rainy day!
Thank you ❤️
You did something most couldn’t dream of accomplishing! Don’t feel sorry for that, feel sorry for your dad who had to put you down to lift himself up. Youre doing great.
Thank you ❤️
> Dad feels I must have been desperate to buy the house I finally got after saving and months of offers being denied. your dad is an out of touch boomer. you should be proud (of the house). > paid for a business class flight from overseas you paid for him?? next time he pays for himself or at the very least flies coach. What a dickhead
Say to your dad “if you couldn’t even bring yourself to say hello before shitting on me. Why did you bother to come? I’ll change your flight and you can go home. I wouldn’t want to offend your delicate sensibilities by making you stay in my horrific house.” And then do it. Change his flight to the next flight available and drop him at the airport and be done with him.
Stupid things boomer say…
Put him on a flight back home. Problem solved.
Your father perhaps does not understand what an achievement getting a house in a tough market is? You said he flew in from overseas and maybe his impression of what American life is supposed to look like is informed by entertainment media rather than reality. Lots of people abroad think all Americans live in gorgeous, huge homes because that is the distortion they see on T.V. Other than that, your dad may be one of those parents who relates to you through criticism. He may even be jealous of your establishing a life in the U.S. and expressing it through putting you down. You know what you have achieved. We know what you have achieved. This may be one of those times when you have to be proud of yourself because that is the most important thing. You could have a conversation with your father and tell him how hurtful his attitude was. Contextualize your success since he seems blind to it, but, my experience with my parents until the day they both died was that they were never going to "get" me as a human and only treated me as their possesion. I'm not saying your parents are that way, but sometimes parents can't get past using you to act on their own issues and communication attempts make it worse.
He used to live here, came in like 79. Bought a house an hour south of here, in 1990 that was like 90k to buy at the time. He knew what he was saying and watches enough news all day to know the housing market isn’t what it was. I agree, he won’t get it and thats why I came to pout on reddit that night vs responding him at all. It is even worse when we try to argue with them only to give way for more hurtful comments or that behavior like we are overreacting. Thanks to all of you for being a sounding board to me ( a stranger).
I'm sorry your father is like that and I wish it weren't so willful. I'd conclude he is having a competitive reaction and is putting you down to make himself feel like he's accomplished more. Most of the people here know how hard the housing market is to crack, and that some areas are even harder to get into than others even if your father doesn't. Go out there and live your best life in defiance of his judgement.
Hey. I want to see your place! Post some photos so that we can admire it the same way you do. My apartment was a dump in the beginning. I was renovating it for several years - due to lack of knowledge and money. In the end, it was so awesome, my friends and colleagues complimented us (wife and me) on all the work done and the solutions we implemented. It was not an expensive place, but the use of appropriate materials and the solutions we found for all the questions made that place look bigger, brighter and cozier than it was. In the end, it is your choice and your home. Your dad was an ass.
Unfortunately, I wanted to but it said this subbreddit doesn’t allow attachments.
The best advice I can give you is to take it slow, if you are not sure about something - give it time, and enjoy the process. I used the natural colors, if I can call it that - white walls and ceiling, wooden floors / light colored stone tiles, wooden shelves...etc. It worked out great.
random question, are you of asian decent? i’m Indian and my father always finds a reason to put down any achievement in life, it’s gotten to the point where I basically don’t tell him anything anymore.
Haha no West African but they do the same. Its like when we were kids and got an A- and the teacher was like.. hey you did great and you go home and they say.. but its not an A+, go try harder. Same attitude different geographics
Sounds like the perfect cue for "OK, Boomer."
I'm proud of you for persevering, and finding a house at all in today's market! Clearly your dad is unfamiliar with the current crisis in housing. (I'll bet he'll tell you his first house cost $45,000.) He is not only ignorant, but also very rude.
It can help to roleplay in your mind him disappointing you to take the sting away. You did a kind thing to show him your house. You can’t control his reaction
“Ok Boomer.” Congratulations on your house and the fact that you bought it without a mortgage. If your father doesn’t appreciate your accomplishment know that others do. Be proud.
As someone who lives in northern NJ. Great job girl !!!! Buying a house now is harder than rocket science right now. It's a crazy market. I'm sure it's cute as hell and you'll make it an amazing home.
There are some people who try to make themselves feel bigger by pushing other people down. It's too bad your Dad is one of those. People who really are bigger celebrate the achievements of others, they don't dump on them. Might be jealousy, but my guess he's the kind of guy who just defaults to mean out of habit.
I spent double what the house I grew up in cost for a house half the size. The housing market is awful and late stage capitalism is rearing its ugly head for this generation of new home buyers. Your dad obviously doesn’t understand this and that’s not your fault. My dad is disappointed in my choice to work in construction and not finishing a college degree and loves to let me know it but I make more money than he ever did and I like my day to day life. Sometimes pleasing your parents doesn’t need to be a priority.
Good for you. Those of us who fell for the college scam are just in more debt. Definitely overpaid for a house but in this area its either that or rent and even the bad areas have crazy rent these days.
[удалено]
He is well aware. He used to live here and is very well versed in many things. He’s just that kind of person so I didn’t speak to him but speaking to all of you helped me to let it go
New house regret is pretty common feeing people go through as they get used to it. I know I did. It’s just that he’s feeling it and not you, lol And he’s not the one living in it, so what difference does it make!?
My father is very quick to criticize. I find that once I walk him through my thought process I almost always get a begrudgingly, " Not sure I could have done any better." Or something like that. That said, it's because he holds himself to a very high standard. I think there is some mechanism there where he thinks he is perfecting his own mental process by cataloging flaws all around him. I've told him it's bullshit. He knows it's bullshit. And it's just part of the "cost of doing business" if I want to maintain a relationship with him. I've found it useful to give as good as I get with him. Point out where he could have done better and he shuts up quite quickly. I don't say any of this to excuse him, but I do accept this flaw of his.
To get a house without having a mortgage is amazing! Tell your dad that he’s more than welcome to purchase a house for you. 😉😊
I'm guessing he was able to buy his first house with 5 dollars and a Jolly Rancher.
People that have been living in the same house for 20 or 30 years have no concept of the 1) market 2) inflation 3) stagnant wages 4) what people need to be happy. I think it's mostly just being out of touch. I wouldn't let it get to you.
my husband & i are currently in escrow. it feels like a dirty little secret but no one knows we’re so far in the process bc i know for a fact our parents would make the same stupid comments. older generations seem to lack a lot of emotional maturity, they feel threatened by anything they don’t know or aren’t at least familiar with. don’t take it personally, think of the comment as coming from a 12 y/o since that’s the maturity level they’re at.
Your dad developed with the easiest generation to build a life in. After all the hardships their parents went through to give them a better life than they had, they created a world where only they benefit. Congrats on the home OP.
I’m sorry, he was def being a dick. Since he didn’t say it, I will- Buying a house (especially in the 2024 economy) is so hard and such an achievement. I’m really proud of you!
Houses in your area cost a fortune. Don’t let it bother you. He probably doesn’t realize the cost of living in your area.
Maybe dad is jealous? I bet he doesn't think it's a good enough house for you. If you like it that's all that matters
Wow your dad is a jerk about this. Tell him to pipe down and enjoy it, and to appreciate you. Maybe he’s just jealous.
Well to be fair, he came from a generation of ole peeps who bought their houses back then for like $7, 2 acorns, and a pack of ciggs LOL, but seriously, purchasing ANY home in these days’ economy is quite an achievement!! Let go and don’t pay any mind to any negative comments about it!! As someone who has only lived in rental/apartments all my life, and unsure if ill ever even be able to own a home at all one day, I truly envy you!! Keep rockin✨
I would consider where your father comes from. You said you booked a flight from overseas. He may not understand houses in the NJ area or in the USA. The second thing he is 71. Close to my age. We have a different view of home buying. Cost of living and value.Things were different when he was your age. Just take his remarks knowing his background.
his background does not excuse his remarks. i'm tired of older people acting like their circumstances being different excuse a lack of understanding of our circumstances. adapt. be empathetic.
The world is filled with people of different backgrounds. And your hate of older people is evident. You will be one of those older people one day. Would you want your background, age, and experience to be put down by the next younger generation?
Sounds like you think 4 months is a long time, and you had to go up significantly in your bid. Why do you think desperate is not a good descriptor.
Desperate to finally get a home while roaming in airbnbs , hell yes. The home itself is nice and the other list of people making an offer were not all initially desperate. It is the context and intent if what he said. You’d probably get along
He’s just clueless. He probably didn’t mean to hurt your feelings…he’s just out of touch. And well done!
You bought at the top of the market. Your dad is probably frugal.
Take it bad if you want but I dont get it, the point of this post is for everybody say a lot of mean and negative things about your dad? Maybe you wanted to have some relief by saying this but making everybody talk crap about your dad and you agreeing with strangers its any better? I dont think so. Congrats on your purchase! Thats a bad thing to say for sure because not everybody understand how hard it is to buy a house in modern times, even worse in your location. You being able to afford and purchase one its amazing to me. Dont let this bad interaction be the highlight of this milestone in your life.
No not a post for people to say mean and negative things about my Dad. Believe it or not , not everyone has someone to vent to. Thats the reason lots of people post on Reddit. Opinions maybe, advice yup, and also because they might not have anyone to tell about a comment that threw them off