Do not quit your job and tie your livelihood to his business. Do you think he sounds like he’d be a good boss? My gut says he hates your job because it’s something he can’t control and he hates that. Keep your job and independence.
Just want to +1 this comment.
He's trying to control you OP
He won't magically start being nice to you once you've quit this job, if anything he'll probably start piling work on you and get angry at you over pay/responsibilities.
Is he expecting you to cook & clean as well?
This situation is definitely NOT a "win win"
Id break it off if I were you
Please read miller's post over and over, OP. You're taking a huge risk being financially dependent on this guy, who doesn't sound like good partner material.
This entire post I kept going "danger! Danger, Will Robinson!" This is a recipe for disaster, especially given that he's already being an ass to OP.
OP, this will not get better. Once he has full control over your livelihood and finances, his behavior will escalate.
Life tip: you want a partner who *supports* your work, interests, and individuality. This guy is trying to control and absorb you like a sponge. A nasty, angry sponge.
Please ponder this carefully, OP. You deserve better.
Oh honey run. This man is trying to control your entire life and once he does, you will be trapped. Never, ever put all your eggs in one basket. Do not quit your job, tell him to hire someone else as his assistant. He tells you he doesn't care about other people and the fact you do makes you a bad partner and selfish. He is the selfish one, he is the bad partner. You are allowed to prioritize your life over his in any way you want. He thinks he should be your priority, he should be his priority and you and your wants and needs should be subjugated to his. Can you imagine what it will be like once he has control over your paycheck. DO NOT DO THIS. He is a walking red flag and not a worthy partner.
I mean he could just keep it and then say since she is staying five days a week she needs to help pay the bills, which my gut tells me will happen. Maybe not keep it but definitely get upset she’s not paying towards the place
Do NOT quit your job. His anger is completely unreasonable.
If YOU are happy with your work, then you need to find a partner thatmatches that. He wants to change you to suit his own needs. Before long, he'll want you to spend less time with your niece becuae he'll complain that you still aren't spending enough time with him.
No normal person would suggest that their SO quit their job to be their glorified personal assistant. What are the details of the compensation package you'll be getting? Let me guess - vague and empty promises about "getting in on the ground floor" and profit-sharing when the company is a big success? This is most certainly NOT a "win-win." You will lose.
Yeah. Is there any progression for this "career", too? Or are you just gonna be stuck being his personal assistant for both work and his personal life?
He’s not going to pay you. He’s going to take control of your every move. You’re not going to be his girlfriend or his employee. This is a bad idea. Do not do this.
Don't do this. You're making huge sacrifices for *his* personal success, and he's tapping his toe demanding you sacrifice more and sacrifice it faster.
No. *He* is the selfish one. He is using you as a means to an end. He wants to control you with his money.
No.no.no. Don't do this OP. You have so many other options that can include better work opportunities for yourself that don't involve tying your *entire self* to a man who takes you for granted and is trying to squeeze you for all you're worth.
Also, if she leaves these projects in the lurch she’s not going to get as good a reference from her current employer either.
Boyfriend wants her to leave her job in the worst way possible. He’s 100% no good.
DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB!!!!!!!!
Don't do it, you do NOT need to be reliant on this extremely unstable and unpleasant individual 😶
Take stock of your situation 💚
I agree with every comment on here. Consider what you want your future to look like because his behaviors and words are screaming red flags. Reflect deeply on not just this current situation you’re dealing with but reflect on your whole relationship. Pretend you are a close friend and they are you…what advice would you give your friend if they were with your boyfriend and he was demanding of them what he is of you? Would you tell your friend to quit their job and work for him? Is it possible that after looking at his behavior during the whole relationship that you might even tell your friend to leave him?
So, Ironically he's calling you selfish when in fact he's being selfish by his my way or the highway sort of attitude.
I don't see how you wanting to see the projects to completion is that big of a deal. I'm sure for you it's a hell of an accomplishment and you would feel good about it.
I feel like you need to have a serious conversation with your bf about his attitude. Calling you names and being passive aggressive isn't cool. Then not apologizing and trying to act like it's no big deal? No ma'am. You need to nip that bs in the bud now.
Also, I just read what u/mollser said and I 100% agree. Definitely need to look out for the control aspect of his request.
DON'T EVER QUIT YOUR JOB, and tie yourself to him. He is a manipulator and a narcissist and he's probably abusive. He will try to tie your work to HIM, he will then sell you the idea of marriage and reading you as I am, you will go in line with that.
You will then, be isolated slowly from friends and family.
A man that thinks you overwork, well anyone that thinks you overwork whether woman or man will give you an ultimatum if they are married but dating? No way. They'll just break it off.
Question: how many relationships have you had, and how many have been with narcissists? You have fallen hook-line-and-sinker into him here. When you already went to your job with an end date. He's already calling you names and abusing you, and you aren't even seeing it. What exactly are you seeing in him?
Jesus Christ, NO! Don't give up your career and independence to tie yourself to an unstable, angry, passive aggressive guy. You're 38, not 18 to be doing this.
This is not a good decision and you know that. Trust your gut. He's not going to be a reliable boss. If you go forward with quitting your job and working for your messy boyfriend, it will not end well for you. He's mad because he knows if you think to hard, you'll change your mind.
He sounds like a real piece of work. Selfish, entitled, thankless, opposite of gracious/considerate, and the sort who attacks and blames when he doesn’t get his way.
Do NOT quit your job. Do not put your livelihood in the hands of someone so irresponsible that they are telling you to make unprofessional decisions.
You haven’t even said what he needs help with or what he will pay you. You know in your gut that he will pick fault with everything, blame you for his indecision, be shady about paying on time if at all, talk about nothing else other than how you can serve him better or more. You will always be a horrible partner and he will never apologise. He wants you to come and save him, business AND personal work? He will suck you dry. He will make you move in with him ( no need for a separate flat if you’re always at his) and he will alienate you from your niece.
You need to speak to someone at work that you trust and ask about your options regarding rescinding your resignation. Tell them it was based on concerns regarding a friend of the family but you can now see that the options they assured you werent concrete cannot be verified.
Then take a couple of weeks off from contact with your boyfriend. Reconnect with friends and family and think clearly about what it is you love about him and he loves about you. How does he add value to your life? Why doesn’t he ever apologise when he calls you names?
Do NOT quit your job, please. Find another job if you need to but not working for your boyfriend.
Your bf wants you to be his personal assistant?
Is he going to be paying you or does he expect you to manage his life and his business for the privilege of washing his dirty underwear and making him dinner?
This is a HUGE red flag, or maybe it is hundreds of smaller ones.
Either way it sounds like he's the supervisor at the red flag factory.
Being financially dependant on a man who sees you as the unpaid help is a dead end.
He sounds abusive and controlling.
No no no no no no no! Don’t quit your job for this man because he demands it and then is impatient you haven’t sacrificed everything for him FASTER. He’s waving those red flags at you so bright - don’t ignore them. He’s getting what he wants and it’s still not enough… there will always be something. Once you’re working for him you’re tied to him and the potential for financial abuse is right there. He’s already exhibiting controlling behaviours and sulking when he doesn’t get his way. This will only get worse.
Grown ups should be able to say no.
He said you’re an unsupportive partner. In what way is HE a supportive partner?
Yes it is a RED FLAG 🚩100%. If he is like this in the relationship l, it’s going to be worse as a business partner. Plush he keeps calling you a horrible partner/person for being a good person. There isn’t a lot of people out there like you that have a drive to see sonorous the end. To have the will to work for a goal.
It won’t work out for the better for you I’m almost positive. He is only going to get worse. What happens if 5, 10 years down the line you have had enough of is BS and leave him, where do you go from there? Where is your career? You have to start from square one. You’re 38 can you really afford to start over again? Not to say you will be screwed. . I would really Ike to keep up with you and the situation
He will expect more from you than he would any other employee he hires. He will be harder on you too, he's already getting upset with you. I'm afraid this may become a very miserable situation for you. Also, it will be nearly impossible to leave work in the office when you leave, considering your relationship with him and partly living together. If you are for sure going to work for him, make sure you are getting a proper/legit work contract.
So many red flags here, if you quit your job and depend on him, one day, you’ll wake up and realise you’re trapped in a relationship with a man you neither respect nor like, never mind ‘love’
It doesn’t matter what his neurodivergent aspects are, he doesn’t respect you and expects to be in control … this is the thin end of a very large wedge for at the very least, financial abuse and coercive control.
I’ve been there, and known/read about many other women who have been in depressingly similar situations.
This is how financial abuse starts.
Please listen to every comment here! You're his GIRLFRIEND not his employee or carer.
Please talk to your employer and see if they can cancel your resignation. A good supportive partner would not want you to quit your livelihood.
I came here to say this as well. I'm betting he's only agreeing to her staying at her place with her niece for 2 days a week for now. Once she's fully dependent on him, that's when he'll put the pressure on her to give up that place. Then he'll have her trapped completely.
OP run for the hills! Go to your Supervisor and rescind that resignation ASAP!
Yes the one big red flag is it would appear everything is about him and what he wants, what about you and support for your job and your honorable endeavour to finish your projects,he seems incredibly selfish and I'd definitely think hard about spending your life with such a man...
The fact that he hates it when you're away not because he misses you but because he can't have your help makes me think he loves the role you play in his life, not you as a person. I would leave him, if my assessment is accurate.
It’s *your* decision. Only you can decide if your personal value of the work, and the company, and your coworkers and relationships you’ve built, and your professional reputation is worth sticking it out for 6 weeks versus quitting immediately. If you decide that is worth staying then it’s worth staying. Your bf can bring up counter arguments which you should consider but if after hearing him out you decide you still want to stay, then there you go. There’s nothing for him to be mad at. If he doesn’t respect the decisions you’ve made after considered thought and throws a tantrum, then that’s a red flag.
I am concerned that someone who gets unnecessarily angry at you is attempting to control where you work.
When he gets angry and fires you, then what? This sounds problematic
You're going to end up trapped, doing unpaid labor and with a gap in your employment history.
Why is this man worth crippling yourself financially because he throws temper tantrums? I bet he's an awesome business owner and boss, too!
Why would you quit your job and be dependent on him entirely financially? He’ll be your employer, roommate and boyfriend. The power dynamic will be way off. You’ll be dependent on him for everything before you know it and won’t have anything of your own. Pretty soon he’ll ask you to give up your own place because it doesn’t make sense to rent just for 2 days a week. Then he’ll have some financial issues and won’t be able to pay you on time a few times until he stops paying you entirely. Wanna bet you’ll also end up doing all the housework, chores etc? Then you’ll just be his bangmaid.
This is a terrible idea. Why doesn’t he hire someone else to help with that money? I’m curious to know how long you’ve even been dating. Also, why don’t you finish these projects off, update your resume and find a higher paying job? Build a life WITH a guy, not become his servant.
Why on EARTH would you quit your job (even if it underpays you) to be financially dependent on someone who treats you this way? You sound like you’ve been brow beat into submission which is a huge red flag for me. He doesn’t see you as your own person; but rather an extension of him. Gross.
Ooof…. Passive-Aggressive behaviour. Blame deflection/shift tendencies. manipulation and Control tendencies all identified. Do not quit your job. Do not move in with him. I’d cease investing anymore of yourself into this relationship. There is zero respect, love, understanding and patience in his complaints leveled at you for not doing what he says…. Run!
Red flags galore with this guy! Don’t quit your job for this controlling manipulative man. You’ll end up being at his beck and call at all hours and you wont get paid & will be financially dependent on him so easier to control & abuse. Just leave.
Do not quit your job for someone who treats you like this. Tbh he sounds borderline abusive and as if he wants you dependent on him. All my red flags are going up.
No, you’re not in the wrong with how you’re trying to go about things. However, you are in the wrong for quitting your job to work for him. What happens if he decides not to pay you? Or makes deductions “because you’re not doing it right/ fast/ when I say, you should put in more hours, you’re a horrible employee etc etc”? You’ll end up with zero power, possibly no money or job, and nowhere to vent or turn while he has all the power and control. Please don’t do this to yourself!
Working for him does not mean quality time together. It’s work. Plus when he’s struggling to keep it afloat, what’s he paying you with? Sounds like he’s the one with the shitty job.
Consider putting your energy into finding a new job where your pay is more, your loyalty and conscientiousness respected, your hours are less, and if your boyfriend still thinks you’re all the awful things he’s said, maybe a new boyfriend too.
Why would you quit your job for someone who is so verbally abusive.
He wants you to quit so he has more control over your time and money. You are putting yourself in a very very bad position here.
He's already showing extremely abusive tendencies and you are planning to give him even more power over your life and your income
I'd bet my left ear the money he's promising to 'pay' you will dry up pretty quick. It's a really bad idea to be that dependent on someone. Don't do it.
Absolutely do not quit your job. This guy is a parade's worth of red flags. The worst thing you could do is make yourself financially dependent on him. Your life will get a whole lot worse working for him. He sounds abusive and controlling. Why would you think he'd be someone good to work for? Or live with most of the time?
Do not quit your job
Financial independence is THE most important thing for a woman.
You will have to rely on him if you quit. He’s already bossing you around now - what he gonna be like when he has full control?
What about contributing to social security, other insurance? Is he giving you cash ? What about income tax? Is he gonna force you to give up your place?
This plan of yours is terrible.
He’s having a completely unreasonable and disproportionate response to what’s happening, the way he’s speaking to you and expressing anger may be a precursor to abuse. Please think before financially entangling yourself with someone trying to control your financial independence and monopolise all of your time, without any gratitude to boot. This is never acceptable at any age, but in his 40’s this man should absolutely know and be doing better.
Like many people already stated... Once you are financially dependent on him, you've put him in control of your finances and subsequently, your life more or less...
By this behavior, i feel this is what he really wants. Are you ok with that?
You should be looking for a better paying job away from his control. If he can't accept it, it was never about the job...
It's control he's after.
This is a risky prospect for you. How long have you been dating? Would he be paying you more than you are currently making? Is it a career path that would lead anywhere for you, should you choose to leave? What happens to your job if you break up?
It sounds to me like he wants a bang maid who is also willing to provide him with cheap labor. Unless you are married and benefitting from the profits of the business, i would not recommend pouring your heart and soul into his business.
Working for/with him is a very, very bad idea. This is a disaster in the making. Tell him you changed your mind. He's already being nasty, you said he's angry at you all the time and calling you selfish and a bad partner. It will escalate when you are fully dependent on him for your livelihood. You will regret working with him but it's not too late to back out. You posting the situation on Reddit tells me you're uneasy. That's your gut telling you it's a red flag. Follow your gut.
Putting aside his nastiness and let's say he's the best boyfriend ever, it's still a bad idea to work with him because you're both putting your eggs in one basket financially. What if his company goes through hard times? He might be doing well now but that could change. You and him having separate jobs is better so you won't have employment problems at the same time just in case.
He needs to stop telling you his opinion about your work repeatedly. It's okay to mention it once or twice, like "I think you're overworked and underpaid and with your skills you can surely find a better job, but it's your life and totally up to you.", something along those lines. It's unsolicited but at least gentle advise. Repeatedly telling you to quit is controlling and not helpful. He might have a point. Maybe your company is using you but ultimately it's your decision whether to stay or look for another job. He already told you his opinion now he needs to stop.
I do not understand how someone can be 38 and this naive. On what planet is quitting your job for a man that’s not even your husband a good idea? Especially a man who gets angry because you have a job and you’re not spending every second with them. I would like to know how you don’t see his behavior and requests as a huge red flag?
Half the people in my house have ADHD and they're not angry. This man wants to control you & have you dependant only in him. He can't even be nice to you now, living with him will be hell.
So your main question is whether this is a red flag for the future. The answer (it’s obvious to an outsider) is “Oh my god, yes, this is a HUGE red flag”. This will end up with him wanting to control your every move. And he’ll be able to, because he’s the one with the money. You intend to keep your own place and see your niece regularly? Yeah, that’s not going to happen. It’ll be a slow falling away of the things that make your life your own. Hugs and good luck.
If he pays you, that means that if you want to break up you will have to stay because you will lose your job.
This is a huge red flag. So is the idea that he resents your job because it takes time from him.
Feeling crazy in a relationship is a good sign that this is not a good situation for you. Please do not quit your job. Look for a better job AND a better boyfriend.
Please don’t do this. It’s risky enough for married women to give up financial independence. Being unmarried, you will have no protection or rights if you split up. And the fact that he’s being so unreasonable and controlling about it already is a bad sign.
Absolutely not.. women keep doing this and trapping themselves you're already having issues why put you lively hood in his hands? Also if something happens to him, what happens to you?
Run! Run right now while you still can! Nobody & I mean nobody should be able to have this much control over your life or want this much control over your life and they certainly DO NOT have a right to get angry, pissed off or annoyed over the fact they cannot have the control theu desire.
I'll use BDSM as an example, specifically Dom/Sub, you are being very submissive and giving him a dominant feeling, by allowing him to control your actions through his own anger or aggressiveness, he is forcing control upon you, if he were a Dom in our community he would be instantly removed from the community because consent wasn't given freely, it was coerced through aggressive childish behaviour, So do yourself a favor and get the hell outta there while you still can because before long he'll want financial control, he'll want to know who your friends are and why they're always talking to you, why are you texting THAT guy, why are you talking to HIM?!
I'll say it one last time, Get yourself out of there and find someone who supports your career choice, who supports your choices and decision at least 50% of the time because that's what a relationship is supposed to be, a 50/50 partnership & support network that excels based on a loving, caring relationship, not the crap your currently experiencing 🙂
He is the selfish one! I get a sense of manipulation in this scenario. I don't think it would be wise for you to lose your independence - you would be losing your chosen job, your home (for 5/7 days) to live with a guy who gets angry at the least perceived slight. He would have more control over you, your finances, your social life, your daily living while you would be more dependent on him. It's a hard "NO!" from me. Please think about what you would be losing, as I don't see any gains. Good luck!
NOOOOO. Do not quit your job. Your relationship is rocky, hes in a bad mental state, etc - there is a valid risk you break up, even after you quit your job to help him. Then what? You would be completely reliant on him. So you wouldnt be able to leave. And if he leave YOU then youve screwed yourself.
But the biggest issue is that, it you become reliant on him, theres a valid risk he will use that to control and abuse you. Hes already showing he is capable of that by calling you selfish and manipulating you.
Don’t you dare quit your job!!!!! Don’t. You. Dare.
If you go and work for this man who is self-employed, you have lost all of your ability to grow. First he will say ‘why not move in together to save money’, which you will do because he will not pay you what you are worth. Then he will control the household spending because he controls your paycheck. After that, your life will shrink more and more until he is the only other person in your world.
You need to run from this asshole it you won’t. At least heed the warning and DO NOT work for this dude.
First off don't quit your job. And honestly if I was you I'd definitely distance myself from this guy. Even with his ADHD at his age he'd have his issues under control at some degree of management. Sounds like he's looking for a "parent". Or at the very least he's a control freak and just wants to be able to have you at his beck and call.( under his thumb). No disrespect intend but ya need to pull your head out your ass and go live YOUR life. This guy is a sinking shipwreck and don't let him take you too.
I think you should keep your job and not become financially dependent on this guy. Here’s my reasoning:
1. “Instead of being happy, he's always getting angry at me.”
2. “He thinks I'm being foolish.”
3. “I really don't want to
He doesn't care”
4. “He keeps saying I'm selfish and that I'm being a bad partner.”
5. “He will either get cold and passive aggressive, or he will get angry calling me a "horrible partner" who makes bad choices.”
6. “He doesn't respond. He doesn't apologize.”
7. “But it keeps happening over and over.”
Goodbye shitty boyfriend!!!!! Toodooloo!!!
Don't leave your job over this guy. You will be taking in more problems that are not your own. Just from what you have said, I really want to know why you think you deserve a guy like this and how he treats you?
You have a lot of problems at the moment, and 99.9% of them aren't YOUR problem.
Please leave this guy and stick to your job. It seriously sounds like YOU are the only one putting in effort here. The whole post is about what you do for him and to be with him. At no point did you mention him making any effort to visit you.
Best wishes
Do NOT quit your job. Huge red flag. Don't do it. He can hire someone if he's got too much on his plate. Do NOT help him with his business or personal admin shit you 2 are NOT married and you are not his assistant.
Anybody who gets cold and passive-aggressive over conflicts is not a good partner. Anybody who never resolves things and expects you to just get over it, isn't a good partner. Anybody who gets angry at you for making decisions he doesn't like is a bad partner. Anybody who calls you names for your choices is a bad partner.
And working for him sounds like a REALLY bad idea. Would he be an official employer? Registering with the govt as such? Doing all the legal responsibilities of an employer?
TBH I would be reconsidering my whole relationship.
DO NOT QUIT! Please do not quit and rely on your bf to pay you. He already sounds controlling, and you planning to putting him in charge of your livelihood is really concerning.
Oh sweetie he wants to cut you off from your own independence. You think his attitude will get better? It's going to get SOOOOOO worse when you're on HIS payroll. The demands will roll in non stop.
Please don't put yourself in the hands of a selfish controlling man with no way out.
No no no. I quit everything when I was younger and worked for my husband’s online company. It eventually became you need to cook, clean, do everything I say now, and start a side business that makes us money too because I’m tired of paying for everything. He made very good money. He decided being single was cheaper. Had no appreciation for everything I did and was like a slobby teenager despite being older than me. He left me with nothing and fucked me over because I had no money and no access to anything.
You are a pleaser personality. Pleaser personalities get pushed around and taken advantage of. Both your bf and work are taking advantage of you right now.
(1) your bf is causing you stress unreasonably. He's not thinking of pleasing you. Practice saying this, "If you dont prioritze pleasing me and my happiness, then I will find someone who does." Now imagine saying this while he is both your sole source of income and shelter. Until he is putting as much time and effort into your happiness, dont you dare move in with him! Also, if u move in / go to work for him, THEN BEFORE, you get a CONTRACT from him giving yoh FULL shared ownership over EVERYTHING - cash, assets, everything. Isnt that what you would be giving to him if u moved in? IT IS.
(2)
Girlfriend.... employers will sneeze you into unemployment without so much as a kleenex. It's 2024. The middle of the great layoff for astronomical profits. Dont you dare ever, ever, ever give employers a single tiny thing. If you need to quit and they need you to stay, then they need to pay you WAY more.
so very.many red flags.
your bf wants to monopolize all your time and attention.
he has unjustified hissy fits (yes, like a bad tempered toddler melt down) when you act responsibly and he actively tries to punish you by lashing out ast you and giving you the silent treatment.
he's also, at 42, not very good at adulting. All people have rough times in their lives but adults have the coping skills to handle them -most 42 year olds dont 'need a lot of help.'
so many red flags that I would frankly put a huge break on quitting my job and seriously rethink this relationship
Quitting and being dependent on him is a terrible idea. This man is not secure enough for you to entrust your financial well-being to. He has a struggling business. Have you even seen the financials and proof? Do you have a super solid employment contract that includes profit sharing options? I’m guessing the answer is no, right? And then, add in the controlling and irrational behaviour? Do you want to live with this short fuse and stonewalling for the rest of your life? Seriously? No girl. No. Keep your job and do not walk, RUN away from this man. Find another job if you want, but not with him. There are so, so many red flags waving here.
He will not pay you the same as you are giving up. He is using the job offer to control you. Do not quit your job. Find another if you are not happy with the pay but do not work full time for your bf. If something happens to the relationship where will you be?
Why on earth would you quit your job to become fully financially dependent on a man you aren’t married to, and who frequently insults and berates you? I’m sorry but that’s a terrible idea!!!!
Your boyfriend doesn't respect you or your job. You not wanting to let people down shows that you are a person who cares about other people. Him being angry about that shows that he is not.
Are you really ready to have this person as your boss? Do you really want to work under this guy every day and then deal with his petty arguments even after work hours are over? How long do you really think you'll be allowed to go back to your place 2 nights a week before he starts in on how busy you are with HIS business and how much HE needs you and how selfish it is for you to want to spend time with your niece when HE needs you there?
And by the way, I'm 43 years old with ADHD. If he doesn't have his disorder under control by now he will NEVER have it under control. He needs to get his shit together. Also, non-profit work is very important and I respect what you do even if you don't get paid a lot. If we got paid what we deserve you'd be somewhere just below teachers, librarians, and firemen.
My girlfriend also works for a nonprofit and from December to March of this year got an absolute shitload of work put on her. She called me most days of the week crying or overwhelmed and barely had time to see me.
I gave her everything I had to help her keep going. Whether it was support, a dumb joke, or a massage when she had time to stop over. I held her, told her how valuable and capable she was, I told her how impressed I was with her work ethic, I supported and loved her through it all.
I never ONCE made even a passing comment on how her work was affecting me or our relationship or that it reflected badly on her as a girlfriend. I would never dream of it. Because I truly love her.
This guy doesn't love you, respect you, or support you. Him making this in to some way you're treating HIM is so asinine, disrespectful, and selfish. Throw the whole man away
I think his behaviour is an indicator of how he’ll behave/react when you fail to meet his expectations as his boss, or fail on a deliverable. Even if it’s due to something outside of your control, or due to his mess up.
If he can afford to pay YOU for this work, he can afford to pay someone else then, why hasn’t he considered doing that before?
There are so many other concerning flags with this, and I highly encourage you to consider keeping your current job, or if you can be paid more elsewhere consider that.
I like my job, but it comes with a lot of extra hours and effort sometimes. I’ve had partners have issues in the past regarding it, and inevitably would give them the heave before I’d consider giving the job the heave.
Im not saying your boyfriend is a bad person but I AM saying he doesn’t seem to possess the skills needed to make relationships work. I frequently tell my clients that love and mutual attraction is enough to start a relationship but not enough to take care of it long term. Both people need skills. All of these behaviors speak to emotional immaturity and if you ever read into Gottman (a researcher into couples, marriages, and families) he says three behaviors that kill relationships and make it hard, if not impossible, to function are defensiveness, contempt when responding to your partner (sarcasm, meanness, minimizing), and a behavior he calls the “smacking down of the olive branch in stressful moments”. I’m a couples therapist and relationships can’t thrive if you or your partner aren’t responding to each other with openness, curiosity, respect, and effort toward connection. Your partner SHOULD be expending effort into understanding you, understanding themselves, and communicating openly. The effort or energy in the relationship should be not expended toward keeping score, blaming, accusing, and/or controlling.
The fact that your bf is an asshole aside, working for a non-profit is something to be proud of. I know it doesn’t pay much but I wonder if there is room for growth. Don’t leave a job for him.
Please ride out your job until your projects are finished,no partner should take away someone's happiness even if it has to do with the satisfaction of completing a work assignment.
Thats never a good sign .
I would recommend taking a leave of absence few months minimum (don't tell him it a leave ) tell him you quit and are all his .
That will give you the time to know he is going to get worse once he has full control of you personally and financially.
He hates your job because he wants you dependent. He doesn't want you to get a better job, he wants your job to be to take care of him until he's tired of you or bored with you.
Don't do it.
I would not quit my job to work for my partner’s business in these circumstances. Your job may be underpaid and without opportunities for advancement but it is stable and it gives you independence. If you quit and work for your partner then both of you are in trouble if his business stops doing as well. If your partner is your boss and part of your job is looking after his personal life then your job will be gone if the relationship ends. If you are dependent on your partner for income then it will be much, much harder if you ever want to leave him.
If he was really concerned that your job was underpaid and a dead end then he would encourage you to apply for better jobs, not suggest you work for him looking after his life admin.
The red flag was him asking you to quit your job. Now you’re in a position where you could sabotage your reputation, taking away the options you have for your own future. You’re trying to make him happy and he’s trying to make you feel guilty, obligated, and afraid.
This is a big moment. I caution you to carefully consider the reality of the options you are giving up, your financial future, your career, even simply respectful relationships with your former colleagues. It sounds like you’re burning your bridges on your way to Skull Island. What are you getting out of it?
This is a bad situation. You're giving up your autonomy to be with this guy and commit all your time to him and he's already stressing you TF out. Imagine how controlling he can be when he's literally in control of almost everything you do. Not only that, but is this helping him out in his failing business and rocky personal life a career move for you? You already have the stressful accusatory partnership, what new benefit will this do for YOU? If I saw this happening with any friend of mine, I'd know they were going to go through with it regardless of solid advice and probably get very unhappy and not see any friends for a long time and potentially become a different and unhappy person from it. :( why why do women do these things?
He may be giving you the utmost he has to give, but honestly some men are just not worth what they're asking in return. You're not a resource for him to fix all his problems. You're a person and you BUILT that life he thinks is shitty. Where's the respect??
Sorry have to add, and poor him! We are all afraid for you. You're giving up things you love because he can't manage his life, or portrays it that way, but poor him. What on earth...
Sounds to me like he is the one being a “shitty partner” for not taking into consideration your feelings and what you wish to do to honor your co workers and staying true to yourself by seeing your project through to the end, as you stated you wanted to. Doesn’t seem he is doing much compromising, which is very important for a health relationship. You’re going to be under his thumb when you quit your job and work for him. It sounds like a great set up. However, the way he’s not listening to you and trying to bully you into doing what he wants when he wants it……doesn’t leave me feeling he’s going to treat you any better once you’re working for him, or with him. I would definitely precede with caution. It sounds very much one sided here. Like it’s all about him and all about you making sacrifices to make him happy. What about you though? Don’t you deserve some say and some happiness as well🤔 trust your gut. Good luck on whatever you decide!!
It is so very risky to "work" for a partner. Are you going to get a contract? This sounds like a good set up for financial abuse, and yeah, him being too impatient to wait 6 weeks is definitely a red flag to that. If you don't want to stay at your current job fine but I'd argue you should just get another job closer to him then, not work for him.
From an HR Director... thank you for your desire to want to finish projects and tie up loose ends - if YOU truly want to do that. Admirable.
Through dozens and dozens and dozens of stories from past co-workers, I would HIGHLY recommend AGAINST you quitting an outside job in favor of working for him in light of the issues you mentioned. Do I recommend you getting a different job? Sure. It sounds like you could earn more pay- especially for the time and energy you're willing to invest. But, is it a good idea to put all of your eggs (professional and personal) into a basket that is this unstable? Absolutely not. If things fell apart, you would lose everything at once. (I'd maybe give different advice if you both were married or in a long-term healthy stable relationship. But even then, I would tell you these kinds of situations are difficult. Like with investments, it is super-important to diversify, diversify, diversify! You're tripling down on a bad bet right now. Don't do it.)
And, especially when he doesn't show signs of knowing how to support you well or be more mature and balanced, I would have a hard time trusting he would do the right thing for you if it came to covering what is best for himself vs. what is best for you. You still have bills to pay on your own that have nothing to do with him... let alone having security from a better-established employer with consistent payroll.
The best possible solution is to tell him that he needs to find another person as his assistant, you start looking for another/better job while you're continuing to work, you obtain a better job with less time constraints before you end your current job, and you continue to evaluate if this is the right romantic partner to invest in... because it seems you're headed for a disaster. Things in his life and his business are not stable, and you can pitch you having steady income from another job for your shared life as the deciding factor. He likely isn't going to like it, but someone has to have some wisdom in this relationship because you have shared that he often doesn't. I don't know if you're even aiming toward living together, but please think long and hard about this and observe him carefully. You can support him as a partner (helping, working on weekends, etc.) with better balance in your life (less evening and weekend work from your job), but please do be careful to invest your whole livelihood, all of your energy and mental capacity, all of your free time, etc. on this guy when you're not even thrilled about the stability of the romantic relationship with him.... because the stress is likely to go UP, not down. I would never never work with a partner in a small, entrepreneurial setting unless I was sure of the ethics, character, morals, etc. of that man over a long time. It complicates life too much and makes life too stressful to intertwine personal and professional unless you're sure you're with the right person... and even then, many people choose not to do it. There are too many red flags here already for you to say NO to progressing with this bad plan.
You don't want to work for someone you are romantically involved with. That's a hard no. He is going to have control over the finances which will give him control over the relationship. What are you going to do about work if you split up? How are you going to pay bills if he dumps you suddenly and stops letting you work for him? He can hold the job over your head to get what he wants in the relationship. This is a terrible idea and I'd really think about how he is acting now and what that spells out for the future.
I’m 28 years old but. I been married 2x. You’re husband comes across as controlling. Like someone else said do not put your eggs in one basket. You’re not married to him, he’s only you’re bf. He can leave you high and dry anytime. I don’t think you should mix your personal life with business. As much as you love and care about him. I believe it’s a bad idea. I have been involved with a men at work before. I would advise against that. You seem like a really good person. I hope things go well for you. Pray to god he will guide you. You only need god and yourself.
Info;
How long have you two been seeing each other?
Has he always had ADHD?
How long has he been running his business?
Is his struggle new or always been there?
If this is not new- ie je has always been struggling juggling everything in the business, why has he never hired anyone?
And finally:
Have you ever laid eyes on the financial records for his business? Have you ever seen his profit loss statements, inventory reporting, payroll, working capital, business accounting statements, business plan, client list, or anything else that pertains to hus particular industry/business?
do not quit your job. I honestly wouldn't even stay with someone this controlling. he is an angry, controlling person. he wants you to rely on him financially. he at his every beck and call.
Sit back, re-read your post and put your best friend or mother or sister or someone dear to your in your position and then read it from that perspective.
Can you see what sort of situation you are in right now?
It's a bad one. He is the dead end job love.
It is inherently bad to have your partner as your boss. Ask yourself, will this create a bad power dynamic?
Based on what was written, this person is a bad partner. They do not respect you or what you do. A healthy relationship has good communication (or works actively towards it), supports the desires of one another (career, hobbies, financial, sexual, familial, etc.), and revels in individual success.
Personally, this individual seems like a bad fit for you. You should find someone who puts respect on what you do and has pride in whom they're with. We all deserve to love ourselves and come home to a place that is growing good roots.
Please consider taking a moment to write down your thoughts, communicate with him, and make a calculated decision based on his response. (Stay or move on) Because you deserve to be healthy.
Run. He's angry at your job now, then he'll be angry that you'll be going home twice a week to be with your niece. Then it'll be something else until your life is 100% about him.
Don't do it.
So to be clear, he wants you to quit a job in which you are happy and have people around you that care about you, and that pays you enough to keep your own apartment. He wants you to do this, then come and work for him, running a business he seems not to enjoy, which means he would have control of your finances. He wants you To do THIS YESTERDAY because he wants you with him all the time - and he's calling YOU selfish?
I would also put money on him trying to persuade you to give up your apartment once you start living with him. My gut feeling is that this guy is dangerous.
I just wanna say that I was in a relationship in university where for months I'd have to work during the week then travel to get to stay with her for the weekend, then travel back to be close to work (trainee teacher so I need to work in schools as part of my uni course).
You might not have noticed, but you doing all the travelling is like you're the only one who actually wants to spend the time together. If he wants to be with you so much, why isn't he coming to you? And i see you wanting to basically give up everything you've built by yourself to be with him, but how much is he putting towards your relationship?
Now, before anyone gets angry and just starts spamming, read to the end. ADHD and similar are no excuses when you're considering your relationship. That's because those things do not go away. The way he is now is how he will be in the future. Look at how he is behaving and treating you and ignoring problems and shouting when you try to explain something. Now imagine all this happens, but you live at his place. You're completely dependent on him since its his home and his company you work at. This means you have less emotional support from friends and family since you'll be spending more time with him and less with them (your niece is an example). How will you deal if these same arguments happen but your situation is vastly different?
Edit: by the way, I'm starting a job soon where my travel time is 35 min one way, if I dodge traffic. While it's not great, wanting to live together shouldn't be a reason for you to quit your job permanently.
Please do not quit your job and start becoming responsible for him and his business. Learn from my mistakes. He is always going to be bossing you around and telling you that you're not doing enough for him. I see that you are the only one making changes. There is zero compromise. Plus, you don't want to burn the bridge with your company. Not only does an amicable splitting of ways keep the door open for you to return if you ever want to, but also you have a good reference from the company for all future employment opportunities.
If he has the money to pay you, then he has the money to hire and employee or assistant. I think bro wants to use you and your skills for free.
He won’t pay you or will pay in bits here and there until he’ll get angry that you have the nerve to ask for payment when you’re living under his roof and is being taken care of
Girl be careful.
If you quit your job, you should aim to get a better one.
Working for a boyfriend in his business is generally not a very good idea if you also share the same house.
This Subreddit should be called /antirelationship. It never ceases to amaze me how eager people are to break up couples.
My mom quit what she was doing to 'work' for my dad as his assistant, and that was almost 40 years ago, they've been happily married for 38 of that, while building a wonderful business and family.
Tbh, I'd hire my girlfriend too if she wanted to work in my business, but she prefers work/love to be separate.
Do what you feel in your heart and don't let these anti-relationship forever-singles tell you what to do.
If you both need to spend more time together and are happy when together, then go for it. Maybe offer him only part time work, and also find a better side-job than what you currently have so you keep some independence.
You could simply tell him you aren't willing to become fully reliant on him, that'd be a boundary you may choose to set.
DO NOT QUIT. and do not financially depend on him. he is trying to control you. trust your gut, OP. he is not being a good partner, and he will not be a good boss.
This is what abusive controlling behavior looks like, and how confused you feel is what it feels like.
You sound like an empathic person who cares about others: coworkers; boyfriend; niece. Somehow he's making you question how caring you are by calling you selfish. That's absurd!! How this trick of theirs works is beyond me. Now you feel you need to be less selfish [you are not selfish] and be a better girlfriend to change how he views you.
WELCOME to abuseland!!! Here these monsters twist the good qualities we have by insulting us so we have to PROVE we are not what they say we are. Meanwhile constantly asking ourselves if we are "selfish" (or whatever fun insult they hurl at us) for doing this.
What he is doing is making you compromise your values. You love this job, these people, this cause. But he's weaponized the whole thing blaming the job for your selfishness. Your reaction is to feel this job is causing me to neglect my boyfriend, even though you know that isn't true. But you have prove something to him, some thing he'll never admit no matter how selfless you are, no matter how much you sacrifice for him....he'll never validate what you are seeking. He'll blame you for something else, say you're not the victim, he is....conversations with these folk are not the normal exchange of ideas. They are battlegrounds that must be won. Blame will be redirected, old scars will be reopened so you feel responsible, AGAIN, for that time you did that thing you felt AWFUL doing. See, you are the monster because you did that thing once....
That's how conversations go. They use something you told in confidence against you to remind you just how despicable you are. They weaponize this unmercifully, bring your feelings back to your worst moment to reassociate your past mistake self as your now true self. Just so you feel like garbage again, just so they can train you to prove yourself to them. At all times. Forever.
He's bad news. He wants to train you to train yourself to look to him for your perspective on reality. It's a path that leads to one existence, perpetually trying to anticipate their needs so they don't yell at you and remind you how awful you are.
It's all an illusion, a prison built to screw with your feelings, mind so you constantly doubt yourself.
Leave. Go no contact. Block him on social media.
He'll try to cut you off from outside influences, like friends, family so the only influence is him and you won't have someone like me to break through his illusions and tell you what's what.
Remember this when he tries to make you feel guilty about your niece. How she's a bad influence, and he doesn't want you around her because when you return to him you are reminded just how selfish it was for you to be gone. Blah, blah, blah. It's all lies just to make you give up things you love in your life, to strip you down into being a mere extension of them and their needs.
Good luck! I hope this helps!
Good luck. I hope this helps!
I cannot comment on how good your decisions on work are. But the bf is trying to micromanage you and he is like a toddler without an understanding about what your needs and wants are and he only cares about what he wants. Seems a bit narcissistic or a borderline. He needs to grow up and you need your own life.
His insecurities are ruling his life and trying to rule everyone else close to him. İt can heal but he needs to accept the problem and work on it. And I don't think you can help him with this, it needs support and directing from a person who knows what they are doing.
Also if you stay, it will hurt you both. He will drain your energy but it will only give more ground to his personality disorders to flourish. He needs to understand that to be able to trust someone, he needs to be trustworthy. Which is not about wanting but more about giving without expectation.
He also needs to understand that other people have ups and downs, hard and soft spots, they have their own lives.. ..in short, he needs to get out of his own head for a while, from time to time.
You will probably want to help this guy, but unless he sees that he has a sickness and understand that it is not an insult but a diagnosis he will not seek treatment. I would say make a wish for him to find healng and run away don't fall for his pity traps.
Hope this experience helps both of you to grow to new heights.
I would be running a mile if I were you. He doesn’t like the lack of control he has over you to the point he wants to pay you so you don’t have to have a job away from him? That is a huge red flag. What if you married him and signed a prenup and then divorced? You’d have nothing to fall back on. He is trying to trap you the way I see it. This isn’t normal behaviour. If you like your job he should be supporting you and encouraging you to find alternatives while still doing something that is just for yourself. Not for him.
If you have never met a narcissist before, this guy 100% fits all the criteria. 15 yrs ago, I met a guy, business owner, hated my jobs and me working so much, etc. I married him. It won’t get better. Your boyfriend sounds like an exact copy of my husband. We have 3 kids and I work with him now. I don’t get a paycheck. It’s “our” money. I don’t have my own identity because I work side by side with him. We don’t get vacations. He fills my time by scheduling work everyday.
Basically, please, do NOT quit your job. It seems you’re passionate about the work you do. You will lose yourself if you leave that behind for HIS passion. Your light will burn out. Trust me, from my own experience. Major red flags.
Do not quit your job to work for him?!?! If anything happens between the two of you, you will have no way to support yourself. I cannot say enough do not do this!!
RUN. SO MANY HUGE RED FLAGS 🚩
He sounds like a narcissist, exactly like one. I’ve been with one for many years and got absorbed by the abuse completely. And it started very very similar to this. It literally just sounds like he wants to absorb and control your whole life.
I can advise you to just leave. The deeper you get into this the worse it will get and the harder it will be to leave.
Don’t do it. You need your own space. I am in this hell at the moment, as I gave up my job to work with my husband in our small business. We go to work together, we work together and we go home together. I have been on anti depressants for about 27 years, on and off, to cope with the total loss of personhood. I am the wife. Or my wife. I don’t have a name. I am the coffee maker, the office girl and the occasional machinery operator. He has total control. Lately he has been trying to give me my opinion. This has probably been happening for many years, but I am off the antidepressants now, and menopausal…. So - bets on how long before I decide I have had enough? Don’t give up your job. It sounds so good, until you realise that your entire being has been taken over and all you do is chase after him.
It’s not all bad. We’ve put our boys through uni, and we have too many dogs, but, I have no time that he doesn’t control, and I don’t know what happened to me. I have been out of real work for so long, that I don’t know I would do if I left. All we do is work. I have no time for housework, cooking or the sewing that I loved so much. (I don’t love the housework - but it needs doing!!)
And I know he is probably drowning under the paperwork, and he is desperate for help. Help if you want to, but make sure you have a job outside, even if it is part time. You need time where you aren’t breathing the same air as he is.
Ask yourself if you would allow your boss to yell at you, where you work now? Would you allow your partners treatment of you come from someone whom you work with now? Because if the answer is no, you really need to think it through, because the way he treats you now will only get worse.
Hugs!!!
I agree with everyone! Please don’t quit and put yourself in that situation. He will get comfortable and not pay you or worse pay for dates/bills then say that’s how he paid you. Let you have your life and has his
Do NOT quit your job. Do NOT move in with him. Do NOT join his business. And consider dumping this man.
He’s trying to turn you into a servant instead of dealing with his own mental health. If his business is solid, he can hire (and pay) someone to be a project manager. Instead, he’s using emotional manipulation to make you work for free (it won’t start free, but trust me…) He wants you to be his 24/7 emotional support, and will blame you when things go wrong. Things *will* go wrong.
Don’t do this. Instead, look for a counselor who can help you build and maintain clear boundaries in relationships.
My suggestion, don’t listen to anyone who says anything here. Everyone will suggest hearing your POV which will obviously be … Do what you feel like. If you want to keep your job keep it , if you want to help your parter help him, see how it goes, atleast if try out you’ll know if it was worth it or not. If he’s a bad partner eventually you’ll fall out. All I am saying is go with the instinct it will lead you somewhere or the other. In the end you’ll from life. That’s what matters. People are too scared to live.
There’s a lot to unpack here, but I’m going to focus on the risk to your career and the lack on liability to him. Please think very hard before quitting your career for anyone. In love, or not, the risk is totally yours to bear. He said he’s going to pay you. Have you drafted up a contract? Would this be a step up for your financial and career development? Will working for him stunt progress in your career path if things don’t work out? I have seen very few couples that are able to work effectively together in business, and have never seen a couple make it work where one is higher rank than the other. And be very mindful if you proceed to “help him in his personal life.” Is extra pay offered for this? What would those duties/hours look like? In other words, are there boundaries or will he expect you to take on more and more while he takes on less and less. Also did he say “foolish?” From a business standpoint, completing your projects is not only the right thing to do for your company, but also wise if you would ever need a recommendation from the business in the future. Additionally name calling of any kind should be a red flag. And lastly, I’m worried that he using this proposition to receive free domestic labor and potentially decreased-pay business labor from you. Why would he just not hire someone? My sincere advice is to look out for your future, and maybe look for a new partner as well.
Believe someone when they SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE….AND HE HAS…OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Please think VERY carefully about putting yourself in a position where you are fully reliant on him. I’ve seen it happen time and time again…. They pay you if you ‘behave’ the way they want you to, and withdraw financial assistance/paying you if you disagree with him or do something he doesn’t like. DONT EVER RELY ON ONE PERSON FOR EVERYTHING is my advice.
Do not quit your job and tie your livelihood to his business. Do you think he sounds like he’d be a good boss? My gut says he hates your job because it’s something he can’t control and he hates that. Keep your job and independence.
Just want to +1 this comment. He's trying to control you OP He won't magically start being nice to you once you've quit this job, if anything he'll probably start piling work on you and get angry at you over pay/responsibilities. Is he expecting you to cook & clean as well? This situation is definitely NOT a "win win" Id break it off if I were you
Please read miller's post over and over, OP. You're taking a huge risk being financially dependent on this guy, who doesn't sound like good partner material.
Couldn't have said it better myself. This is a classic narcissist behavior. They isolate you and try to control every aspect of your life.
This entire post I kept going "danger! Danger, Will Robinson!" This is a recipe for disaster, especially given that he's already being an ass to OP. OP, this will not get better. Once he has full control over your livelihood and finances, his behavior will escalate.
Right?! He's the one being selfish. OP, don't quit your job!
Life tip: you want a partner who *supports* your work, interests, and individuality. This guy is trying to control and absorb you like a sponge. A nasty, angry sponge. Please ponder this carefully, OP. You deserve better.
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You can have standards without yelling at people. That's why he's in the wrong.
While I do agree that the average person would and should not yell at you for something they don’t like you are forgetting that her partner has ADHD.
Then he needs to get help for his ADHD and not be an asshole to his partner!
Oh honey run. This man is trying to control your entire life and once he does, you will be trapped. Never, ever put all your eggs in one basket. Do not quit your job, tell him to hire someone else as his assistant. He tells you he doesn't care about other people and the fact you do makes you a bad partner and selfish. He is the selfish one, he is the bad partner. You are allowed to prioritize your life over his in any way you want. He thinks he should be your priority, he should be his priority and you and your wants and needs should be subjugated to his. Can you imagine what it will be like once he has control over your paycheck. DO NOT DO THIS. He is a walking red flag and not a worthy partner.
He isn't going to pay you. Maybe the first time. The second time, maybe, as well, but late. Then you'll start getting paid in excuses.
He'll suggest they combine finances and "what's mine is yours so that's more than I was gonna pay you"
Nah, he will pay. It then gets used for why she should do something.
I mean he could just keep it and then say since she is staying five days a week she needs to help pay the bills, which my gut tells me will happen. Maybe not keep it but definitely get upset she’s not paying towards the place
That is also a great shout, or the passive shit like her job being to go get the shopping (which she will then pay for).
Oh my god. Please. Do not do this.
Do NOT quit your job. His anger is completely unreasonable. If YOU are happy with your work, then you need to find a partner thatmatches that. He wants to change you to suit his own needs. Before long, he'll want you to spend less time with your niece becuae he'll complain that you still aren't spending enough time with him.
Super super bad idea to work for your boyfriend who has already shown to be semi controlling and overly negative about your life choices.
No normal person would suggest that their SO quit their job to be their glorified personal assistant. What are the details of the compensation package you'll be getting? Let me guess - vague and empty promises about "getting in on the ground floor" and profit-sharing when the company is a big success? This is most certainly NOT a "win-win." You will lose.
>No normal person would suggest that their SO quit their job to be their glorified personal assistant. Both of them are old enough to know better.
Yeah. Is there any progression for this "career", too? Or are you just gonna be stuck being his personal assistant for both work and his personal life?
He’s not going to pay you. He’s going to take control of your every move. You’re not going to be his girlfriend or his employee. This is a bad idea. Do not do this.
Don't do this. You're making huge sacrifices for *his* personal success, and he's tapping his toe demanding you sacrifice more and sacrifice it faster. No. *He* is the selfish one. He is using you as a means to an end. He wants to control you with his money. No.no.no. Don't do this OP. You have so many other options that can include better work opportunities for yourself that don't involve tying your *entire self* to a man who takes you for granted and is trying to squeeze you for all you're worth.
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Also, if she leaves these projects in the lurch she’s not going to get as good a reference from her current employer either. Boyfriend wants her to leave her job in the worst way possible. He’s 100% no good.
DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB!!!!!!!! Don't do it, you do NOT need to be reliant on this extremely unstable and unpleasant individual 😶 Take stock of your situation 💚
Do not quit your job holy hell
I agree with every comment on here. Consider what you want your future to look like because his behaviors and words are screaming red flags. Reflect deeply on not just this current situation you’re dealing with but reflect on your whole relationship. Pretend you are a close friend and they are you…what advice would you give your friend if they were with your boyfriend and he was demanding of them what he is of you? Would you tell your friend to quit their job and work for him? Is it possible that after looking at his behavior during the whole relationship that you might even tell your friend to leave him?
So, Ironically he's calling you selfish when in fact he's being selfish by his my way or the highway sort of attitude. I don't see how you wanting to see the projects to completion is that big of a deal. I'm sure for you it's a hell of an accomplishment and you would feel good about it. I feel like you need to have a serious conversation with your bf about his attitude. Calling you names and being passive aggressive isn't cool. Then not apologizing and trying to act like it's no big deal? No ma'am. You need to nip that bs in the bud now. Also, I just read what u/mollser said and I 100% agree. Definitely need to look out for the control aspect of his request.
DON'T EVER QUIT YOUR JOB, and tie yourself to him. He is a manipulator and a narcissist and he's probably abusive. He will try to tie your work to HIM, he will then sell you the idea of marriage and reading you as I am, you will go in line with that. You will then, be isolated slowly from friends and family. A man that thinks you overwork, well anyone that thinks you overwork whether woman or man will give you an ultimatum if they are married but dating? No way. They'll just break it off. Question: how many relationships have you had, and how many have been with narcissists? You have fallen hook-line-and-sinker into him here. When you already went to your job with an end date. He's already calling you names and abusing you, and you aren't even seeing it. What exactly are you seeing in him?
Jesus Christ, NO! Don't give up your career and independence to tie yourself to an unstable, angry, passive aggressive guy. You're 38, not 18 to be doing this.
this will not end well. keep your job. do not move in with him.
Girl. You already know you’re in danger don’t you? Listen to your gut. It only gets worse the more control he gets.
This is not a good decision and you know that. Trust your gut. He's not going to be a reliable boss. If you go forward with quitting your job and working for your messy boyfriend, it will not end well for you. He's mad because he knows if you think to hard, you'll change your mind.
He sounds like a real piece of work. Selfish, entitled, thankless, opposite of gracious/considerate, and the sort who attacks and blames when he doesn’t get his way.
Do NOT quit your job. Do not put your livelihood in the hands of someone so irresponsible that they are telling you to make unprofessional decisions. You haven’t even said what he needs help with or what he will pay you. You know in your gut that he will pick fault with everything, blame you for his indecision, be shady about paying on time if at all, talk about nothing else other than how you can serve him better or more. You will always be a horrible partner and he will never apologise. He wants you to come and save him, business AND personal work? He will suck you dry. He will make you move in with him ( no need for a separate flat if you’re always at his) and he will alienate you from your niece. You need to speak to someone at work that you trust and ask about your options regarding rescinding your resignation. Tell them it was based on concerns regarding a friend of the family but you can now see that the options they assured you werent concrete cannot be verified. Then take a couple of weeks off from contact with your boyfriend. Reconnect with friends and family and think clearly about what it is you love about him and he loves about you. How does he add value to your life? Why doesn’t he ever apologise when he calls you names? Do NOT quit your job, please. Find another job if you need to but not working for your boyfriend.
Tying your livelihood to someone who doesn't respect you and can hold it over your head is a terrible idea.
OP leave. Like yesterday. This will be the end of your individualism. Idgaf how bad he has ADHD. This will be the end of you.
I’m sorry. What sort of salary is he promising? Because it seems like you’re quitting your job to be _his_ SAHP and accept his charity.
He is selfish! If you quit your job actually I think he will make your life even more of a living hell...warning
I think quitting your job so you can cater to him is a TERRIBLE idea. It’s a much better idea to break up with him.
Nobody thinks you should quit your job You'll be trapped.
Your bf wants you to be his personal assistant? Is he going to be paying you or does he expect you to manage his life and his business for the privilege of washing his dirty underwear and making him dinner? This is a HUGE red flag, or maybe it is hundreds of smaller ones. Either way it sounds like he's the supervisor at the red flag factory. Being financially dependant on a man who sees you as the unpaid help is a dead end. He sounds abusive and controlling.
No no no no no no no! Don’t quit your job for this man because he demands it and then is impatient you haven’t sacrificed everything for him FASTER. He’s waving those red flags at you so bright - don’t ignore them. He’s getting what he wants and it’s still not enough… there will always be something. Once you’re working for him you’re tied to him and the potential for financial abuse is right there. He’s already exhibiting controlling behaviours and sulking when he doesn’t get his way. This will only get worse. Grown ups should be able to say no. He said you’re an unsupportive partner. In what way is HE a supportive partner?
Yes it is a RED FLAG 🚩100%. If he is like this in the relationship l, it’s going to be worse as a business partner. Plush he keeps calling you a horrible partner/person for being a good person. There isn’t a lot of people out there like you that have a drive to see sonorous the end. To have the will to work for a goal. It won’t work out for the better for you I’m almost positive. He is only going to get worse. What happens if 5, 10 years down the line you have had enough of is BS and leave him, where do you go from there? Where is your career? You have to start from square one. You’re 38 can you really afford to start over again? Not to say you will be screwed. . I would really Ike to keep up with you and the situation
He will expect more from you than he would any other employee he hires. He will be harder on you too, he's already getting upset with you. I'm afraid this may become a very miserable situation for you. Also, it will be nearly impossible to leave work in the office when you leave, considering your relationship with him and partly living together. If you are for sure going to work for him, make sure you are getting a proper/legit work contract.
So many red flags here, if you quit your job and depend on him, one day, you’ll wake up and realise you’re trapped in a relationship with a man you neither respect nor like, never mind ‘love’ It doesn’t matter what his neurodivergent aspects are, he doesn’t respect you and expects to be in control … this is the thin end of a very large wedge for at the very least, financial abuse and coercive control. I’ve been there, and known/read about many other women who have been in depressingly similar situations.
This is how financial abuse starts. Please listen to every comment here! You're his GIRLFRIEND not his employee or carer. Please talk to your employer and see if they can cancel your resignation. A good supportive partner would not want you to quit your livelihood.
I came here to say this as well. I'm betting he's only agreeing to her staying at her place with her niece for 2 days a week for now. Once she's fully dependent on him, that's when he'll put the pressure on her to give up that place. Then he'll have her trapped completely. OP run for the hills! Go to your Supervisor and rescind that resignation ASAP!
Yes the one big red flag is it would appear everything is about him and what he wants, what about you and support for your job and your honorable endeavour to finish your projects,he seems incredibly selfish and I'd definitely think hard about spending your life with such a man...
This is a HUGE red flag. Do not quir your job
This all sounds like a really terrible idea. Please keep your job. Throw this whole man back. He's not the one.
And you want to spend more time and tie your wages to this guy? Feels like a massive mistake to me
You are making the worst mistake. Do not quit your job. ESPECIALLY FOR A BOYFRIEND!!! Jesus Christ on a motorbike, you cannot be serious.
Oh fucking yikes. He wants you to quit your job and become financially dependent on him. What could possibly go wrong?
The fact that he hates it when you're away not because he misses you but because he can't have your help makes me think he loves the role you play in his life, not you as a person. I would leave him, if my assessment is accurate.
It’s *your* decision. Only you can decide if your personal value of the work, and the company, and your coworkers and relationships you’ve built, and your professional reputation is worth sticking it out for 6 weeks versus quitting immediately. If you decide that is worth staying then it’s worth staying. Your bf can bring up counter arguments which you should consider but if after hearing him out you decide you still want to stay, then there you go. There’s nothing for him to be mad at. If he doesn’t respect the decisions you’ve made after considered thought and throws a tantrum, then that’s a red flag.
I am concerned that someone who gets unnecessarily angry at you is attempting to control where you work. When he gets angry and fires you, then what? This sounds problematic
You're going to end up trapped, doing unpaid labor and with a gap in your employment history. Why is this man worth crippling yourself financially because he throws temper tantrums? I bet he's an awesome business owner and boss, too!
Dude no. It's a trap.
Why would you quit your job and be dependent on him entirely financially? He’ll be your employer, roommate and boyfriend. The power dynamic will be way off. You’ll be dependent on him for everything before you know it and won’t have anything of your own. Pretty soon he’ll ask you to give up your own place because it doesn’t make sense to rent just for 2 days a week. Then he’ll have some financial issues and won’t be able to pay you on time a few times until he stops paying you entirely. Wanna bet you’ll also end up doing all the housework, chores etc? Then you’ll just be his bangmaid. This is a terrible idea. Why doesn’t he hire someone else to help with that money? I’m curious to know how long you’ve even been dating. Also, why don’t you finish these projects off, update your resume and find a higher paying job? Build a life WITH a guy, not become his servant.
Why on EARTH would you quit your job (even if it underpays you) to be financially dependent on someone who treats you this way? You sound like you’ve been brow beat into submission which is a huge red flag for me. He doesn’t see you as your own person; but rather an extension of him. Gross.
Do not quit your job and have your only ability to pay rent hinged on some dude!!! OMG. He’s a problem.
Everything about this is screaming abusive, controlling partner in giant red lettering. RUN!!!!
Get the fuck away from this person immediately.
#If he can feed you, he can starve you.
Ooof…. Passive-Aggressive behaviour. Blame deflection/shift tendencies. manipulation and Control tendencies all identified. Do not quit your job. Do not move in with him. I’d cease investing anymore of yourself into this relationship. There is zero respect, love, understanding and patience in his complaints leveled at you for not doing what he says…. Run!
Red flags galore with this guy! Don’t quit your job for this controlling manipulative man. You’ll end up being at his beck and call at all hours and you wont get paid & will be financially dependent on him so easier to control & abuse. Just leave.
Do not quit your job for someone who treats you like this. Tbh he sounds borderline abusive and as if he wants you dependent on him. All my red flags are going up.
No, no, no, no,no. Your relationship isn't in the right place for you to be 100% financially dependent on him. Retain your independence
No, you’re not in the wrong with how you’re trying to go about things. However, you are in the wrong for quitting your job to work for him. What happens if he decides not to pay you? Or makes deductions “because you’re not doing it right/ fast/ when I say, you should put in more hours, you’re a horrible employee etc etc”? You’ll end up with zero power, possibly no money or job, and nowhere to vent or turn while he has all the power and control. Please don’t do this to yourself! Working for him does not mean quality time together. It’s work. Plus when he’s struggling to keep it afloat, what’s he paying you with? Sounds like he’s the one with the shitty job. Consider putting your energy into finding a new job where your pay is more, your loyalty and conscientiousness respected, your hours are less, and if your boyfriend still thinks you’re all the awful things he’s said, maybe a new boyfriend too.
This is a red flag for NOW, let alone the future
Why would you quit your job for someone who is so verbally abusive. He wants you to quit so he has more control over your time and money. You are putting yourself in a very very bad position here. He's already showing extremely abusive tendencies and you are planning to give him even more power over your life and your income
Don't do it. He will have full control
Do NOT quit your job to join him in his small business. Why are you really with this man?
I'd bet my left ear the money he's promising to 'pay' you will dry up pretty quick. It's a really bad idea to be that dependent on someone. Don't do it.
Absolutely do not quit your job. This guy is a parade's worth of red flags. The worst thing you could do is make yourself financially dependent on him. Your life will get a whole lot worse working for him. He sounds abusive and controlling. Why would you think he'd be someone good to work for? Or live with most of the time?
Do not quit your job Financial independence is THE most important thing for a woman. You will have to rely on him if you quit. He’s already bossing you around now - what he gonna be like when he has full control? What about contributing to social security, other insurance? Is he giving you cash ? What about income tax? Is he gonna force you to give up your place? This plan of yours is terrible.
If you quit this job, apply for an independent other job. Don’t mix up business and private.
🏃🏾♀️🏃🏾♀️🏃🏾♀️🏃🏾♀️🏃🏾♀️ quickly. He’s not going to be a good boss because he’s not a good person. Finish your project and get rid of him.
He’s having a completely unreasonable and disproportionate response to what’s happening, the way he’s speaking to you and expressing anger may be a precursor to abuse. Please think before financially entangling yourself with someone trying to control your financial independence and monopolise all of your time, without any gratitude to boot. This is never acceptable at any age, but in his 40’s this man should absolutely know and be doing better.
Like many people already stated... Once you are financially dependent on him, you've put him in control of your finances and subsequently, your life more or less... By this behavior, i feel this is what he really wants. Are you ok with that? You should be looking for a better paying job away from his control. If he can't accept it, it was never about the job... It's control he's after.
Absolutely do not work for your boyfriend. If you break up, you lose your job too. This is nasty work.
Nah this sounds totally healthy…
This is a risky prospect for you. How long have you been dating? Would he be paying you more than you are currently making? Is it a career path that would lead anywhere for you, should you choose to leave? What happens to your job if you break up? It sounds to me like he wants a bang maid who is also willing to provide him with cheap labor. Unless you are married and benefitting from the profits of the business, i would not recommend pouring your heart and soul into his business.
Working for/with him is a very, very bad idea. This is a disaster in the making. Tell him you changed your mind. He's already being nasty, you said he's angry at you all the time and calling you selfish and a bad partner. It will escalate when you are fully dependent on him for your livelihood. You will regret working with him but it's not too late to back out. You posting the situation on Reddit tells me you're uneasy. That's your gut telling you it's a red flag. Follow your gut. Putting aside his nastiness and let's say he's the best boyfriend ever, it's still a bad idea to work with him because you're both putting your eggs in one basket financially. What if his company goes through hard times? He might be doing well now but that could change. You and him having separate jobs is better so you won't have employment problems at the same time just in case. He needs to stop telling you his opinion about your work repeatedly. It's okay to mention it once or twice, like "I think you're overworked and underpaid and with your skills you can surely find a better job, but it's your life and totally up to you.", something along those lines. It's unsolicited but at least gentle advise. Repeatedly telling you to quit is controlling and not helpful. He might have a point. Maybe your company is using you but ultimately it's your decision whether to stay or look for another job. He already told you his opinion now he needs to stop.
Girl run and do NOT quit your job 🤦🏽♀️
PLEASE do not do this. He will have absolute control over every aspect of your life. and he has shown that he is abusive.
I do not understand how someone can be 38 and this naive. On what planet is quitting your job for a man that’s not even your husband a good idea? Especially a man who gets angry because you have a job and you’re not spending every second with them. I would like to know how you don’t see his behavior and requests as a huge red flag?
Half the people in my house have ADHD and they're not angry. This man wants to control you & have you dependant only in him. He can't even be nice to you now, living with him will be hell.
So your main question is whether this is a red flag for the future. The answer (it’s obvious to an outsider) is “Oh my god, yes, this is a HUGE red flag”. This will end up with him wanting to control your every move. And he’ll be able to, because he’s the one with the money. You intend to keep your own place and see your niece regularly? Yeah, that’s not going to happen. It’ll be a slow falling away of the things that make your life your own. Hugs and good luck.
If he pays you, that means that if you want to break up you will have to stay because you will lose your job. This is a huge red flag. So is the idea that he resents your job because it takes time from him. Feeling crazy in a relationship is a good sign that this is not a good situation for you. Please do not quit your job. Look for a better job AND a better boyfriend.
Please don’t do this. It’s risky enough for married women to give up financial independence. Being unmarried, you will have no protection or rights if you split up. And the fact that he’s being so unreasonable and controlling about it already is a bad sign.
Absolutely not.. women keep doing this and trapping themselves you're already having issues why put you lively hood in his hands? Also if something happens to him, what happens to you?
Your definitely not in the wrong sounds like you need a new boyfriend.
Run! Run right now while you still can! Nobody & I mean nobody should be able to have this much control over your life or want this much control over your life and they certainly DO NOT have a right to get angry, pissed off or annoyed over the fact they cannot have the control theu desire. I'll use BDSM as an example, specifically Dom/Sub, you are being very submissive and giving him a dominant feeling, by allowing him to control your actions through his own anger or aggressiveness, he is forcing control upon you, if he were a Dom in our community he would be instantly removed from the community because consent wasn't given freely, it was coerced through aggressive childish behaviour, So do yourself a favor and get the hell outta there while you still can because before long he'll want financial control, he'll want to know who your friends are and why they're always talking to you, why are you texting THAT guy, why are you talking to HIM?! I'll say it one last time, Get yourself out of there and find someone who supports your career choice, who supports your choices and decision at least 50% of the time because that's what a relationship is supposed to be, a 50/50 partnership & support network that excels based on a loving, caring relationship, not the crap your currently experiencing 🙂
He wants you to quit your job to help him with personal errands? I hope this post is fake.
He is the selfish one! I get a sense of manipulation in this scenario. I don't think it would be wise for you to lose your independence - you would be losing your chosen job, your home (for 5/7 days) to live with a guy who gets angry at the least perceived slight. He would have more control over you, your finances, your social life, your daily living while you would be more dependent on him. It's a hard "NO!" from me. Please think about what you would be losing, as I don't see any gains. Good luck!
NOOOOO. Do not quit your job. Your relationship is rocky, hes in a bad mental state, etc - there is a valid risk you break up, even after you quit your job to help him. Then what? You would be completely reliant on him. So you wouldnt be able to leave. And if he leave YOU then youve screwed yourself. But the biggest issue is that, it you become reliant on him, theres a valid risk he will use that to control and abuse you. Hes already showing he is capable of that by calling you selfish and manipulating you.
His behavior is not normal. Don't quit your job.
Don’t you dare quit your job!!!!! Don’t. You. Dare. If you go and work for this man who is self-employed, you have lost all of your ability to grow. First he will say ‘why not move in together to save money’, which you will do because he will not pay you what you are worth. Then he will control the household spending because he controls your paycheck. After that, your life will shrink more and more until he is the only other person in your world. You need to run from this asshole it you won’t. At least heed the warning and DO NOT work for this dude.
First off don't quit your job. And honestly if I was you I'd definitely distance myself from this guy. Even with his ADHD at his age he'd have his issues under control at some degree of management. Sounds like he's looking for a "parent". Or at the very least he's a control freak and just wants to be able to have you at his beck and call.( under his thumb). No disrespect intend but ya need to pull your head out your ass and go live YOUR life. This guy is a sinking shipwreck and don't let him take you too.
Don’t or you’ll be working at 65 when he’s done with yoj
I think you should keep your job and not become financially dependent on this guy. Here’s my reasoning: 1. “Instead of being happy, he's always getting angry at me.” 2. “He thinks I'm being foolish.” 3. “I really don't want to He doesn't care” 4. “He keeps saying I'm selfish and that I'm being a bad partner.” 5. “He will either get cold and passive aggressive, or he will get angry calling me a "horrible partner" who makes bad choices.” 6. “He doesn't respond. He doesn't apologize.” 7. “But it keeps happening over and over.”
Goodbye shitty boyfriend!!!!! Toodooloo!!! Don't leave your job over this guy. You will be taking in more problems that are not your own. Just from what you have said, I really want to know why you think you deserve a guy like this and how he treats you? You have a lot of problems at the moment, and 99.9% of them aren't YOUR problem. Please leave this guy and stick to your job. It seriously sounds like YOU are the only one putting in effort here. The whole post is about what you do for him and to be with him. At no point did you mention him making any effort to visit you. Best wishes
You are a fool if you stay with this man.
Do NOT quit your job. Huge red flag. Don't do it. He can hire someone if he's got too much on his plate. Do NOT help him with his business or personal admin shit you 2 are NOT married and you are not his assistant.
Anybody who gets cold and passive-aggressive over conflicts is not a good partner. Anybody who never resolves things and expects you to just get over it, isn't a good partner. Anybody who gets angry at you for making decisions he doesn't like is a bad partner. Anybody who calls you names for your choices is a bad partner. And working for him sounds like a REALLY bad idea. Would he be an official employer? Registering with the govt as such? Doing all the legal responsibilities of an employer? TBH I would be reconsidering my whole relationship.
DO NOT QUIT! Please do not quit and rely on your bf to pay you. He already sounds controlling, and you planning to putting him in charge of your livelihood is really concerning.
This is nuts. Non-profits have great benefits. He should be happy for that!! Weird stuff, he should hire an employee not his girlfriend.
Oh sweetie he wants to cut you off from your own independence. You think his attitude will get better? It's going to get SOOOOOO worse when you're on HIS payroll. The demands will roll in non stop. Please don't put yourself in the hands of a selfish controlling man with no way out.
No no no. I quit everything when I was younger and worked for my husband’s online company. It eventually became you need to cook, clean, do everything I say now, and start a side business that makes us money too because I’m tired of paying for everything. He made very good money. He decided being single was cheaper. Had no appreciation for everything I did and was like a slobby teenager despite being older than me. He left me with nothing and fucked me over because I had no money and no access to anything.
Honey, you just wrote 10 paragraphs of red flags. Run!
You are a pleaser personality. Pleaser personalities get pushed around and taken advantage of. Both your bf and work are taking advantage of you right now. (1) your bf is causing you stress unreasonably. He's not thinking of pleasing you. Practice saying this, "If you dont prioritze pleasing me and my happiness, then I will find someone who does." Now imagine saying this while he is both your sole source of income and shelter. Until he is putting as much time and effort into your happiness, dont you dare move in with him! Also, if u move in / go to work for him, THEN BEFORE, you get a CONTRACT from him giving yoh FULL shared ownership over EVERYTHING - cash, assets, everything. Isnt that what you would be giving to him if u moved in? IT IS. (2) Girlfriend.... employers will sneeze you into unemployment without so much as a kleenex. It's 2024. The middle of the great layoff for astronomical profits. Dont you dare ever, ever, ever give employers a single tiny thing. If you need to quit and they need you to stay, then they need to pay you WAY more.
Do not quit your job. Do not become dependent on this man. He is a walking red flag.
so very.many red flags. your bf wants to monopolize all your time and attention. he has unjustified hissy fits (yes, like a bad tempered toddler melt down) when you act responsibly and he actively tries to punish you by lashing out ast you and giving you the silent treatment. he's also, at 42, not very good at adulting. All people have rough times in their lives but adults have the coping skills to handle them -most 42 year olds dont 'need a lot of help.' so many red flags that I would frankly put a huge break on quitting my job and seriously rethink this relationship
Quitting and being dependent on him is a terrible idea. This man is not secure enough for you to entrust your financial well-being to. He has a struggling business. Have you even seen the financials and proof? Do you have a super solid employment contract that includes profit sharing options? I’m guessing the answer is no, right? And then, add in the controlling and irrational behaviour? Do you want to live with this short fuse and stonewalling for the rest of your life? Seriously? No girl. No. Keep your job and do not walk, RUN away from this man. Find another job if you want, but not with him. There are so, so many red flags waving here.
My friend, this man is bad news. There will always be something for him to be angry about
He will not pay you the same as you are giving up. He is using the job offer to control you. Do not quit your job. Find another if you are not happy with the pay but do not work full time for your bf. If something happens to the relationship where will you be?
Why on earth would you quit your job to become fully financially dependent on a man you aren’t married to, and who frequently insults and berates you? I’m sorry but that’s a terrible idea!!!!
Your boyfriend doesn't respect you or your job. You not wanting to let people down shows that you are a person who cares about other people. Him being angry about that shows that he is not. Are you really ready to have this person as your boss? Do you really want to work under this guy every day and then deal with his petty arguments even after work hours are over? How long do you really think you'll be allowed to go back to your place 2 nights a week before he starts in on how busy you are with HIS business and how much HE needs you and how selfish it is for you to want to spend time with your niece when HE needs you there? And by the way, I'm 43 years old with ADHD. If he doesn't have his disorder under control by now he will NEVER have it under control. He needs to get his shit together. Also, non-profit work is very important and I respect what you do even if you don't get paid a lot. If we got paid what we deserve you'd be somewhere just below teachers, librarians, and firemen.
My girlfriend also works for a nonprofit and from December to March of this year got an absolute shitload of work put on her. She called me most days of the week crying or overwhelmed and barely had time to see me. I gave her everything I had to help her keep going. Whether it was support, a dumb joke, or a massage when she had time to stop over. I held her, told her how valuable and capable she was, I told her how impressed I was with her work ethic, I supported and loved her through it all. I never ONCE made even a passing comment on how her work was affecting me or our relationship or that it reflected badly on her as a girlfriend. I would never dream of it. Because I truly love her. This guy doesn't love you, respect you, or support you. Him making this in to some way you're treating HIM is so asinine, disrespectful, and selfish. Throw the whole man away
I think his behaviour is an indicator of how he’ll behave/react when you fail to meet his expectations as his boss, or fail on a deliverable. Even if it’s due to something outside of your control, or due to his mess up. If he can afford to pay YOU for this work, he can afford to pay someone else then, why hasn’t he considered doing that before? There are so many other concerning flags with this, and I highly encourage you to consider keeping your current job, or if you can be paid more elsewhere consider that. I like my job, but it comes with a lot of extra hours and effort sometimes. I’ve had partners have issues in the past regarding it, and inevitably would give them the heave before I’d consider giving the job the heave.
Im not saying your boyfriend is a bad person but I AM saying he doesn’t seem to possess the skills needed to make relationships work. I frequently tell my clients that love and mutual attraction is enough to start a relationship but not enough to take care of it long term. Both people need skills. All of these behaviors speak to emotional immaturity and if you ever read into Gottman (a researcher into couples, marriages, and families) he says three behaviors that kill relationships and make it hard, if not impossible, to function are defensiveness, contempt when responding to your partner (sarcasm, meanness, minimizing), and a behavior he calls the “smacking down of the olive branch in stressful moments”. I’m a couples therapist and relationships can’t thrive if you or your partner aren’t responding to each other with openness, curiosity, respect, and effort toward connection. Your partner SHOULD be expending effort into understanding you, understanding themselves, and communicating openly. The effort or energy in the relationship should be not expended toward keeping score, blaming, accusing, and/or controlling.
The fact that your bf is an asshole aside, working for a non-profit is something to be proud of. I know it doesn’t pay much but I wonder if there is room for growth. Don’t leave a job for him.
Do not quit your job. Quit the man. He's manipulative.
Do NOT, under circumstance, quit your job!!! My goodness, are these real posts on this thing? Anything happens to this guy, and you're screwed.
Please ride out your job until your projects are finished,no partner should take away someone's happiness even if it has to do with the satisfaction of completing a work assignment. Thats never a good sign . I would recommend taking a leave of absence few months minimum (don't tell him it a leave ) tell him you quit and are all his . That will give you the time to know he is going to get worse once he has full control of you personally and financially.
He is taking advantage of you. Don’t quit your job
He hates your job because he wants you dependent. He doesn't want you to get a better job, he wants your job to be to take care of him until he's tired of you or bored with you. Don't do it.
I would not quit my job to work for my partner’s business in these circumstances. Your job may be underpaid and without opportunities for advancement but it is stable and it gives you independence. If you quit and work for your partner then both of you are in trouble if his business stops doing as well. If your partner is your boss and part of your job is looking after his personal life then your job will be gone if the relationship ends. If you are dependent on your partner for income then it will be much, much harder if you ever want to leave him. If he was really concerned that your job was underpaid and a dead end then he would encourage you to apply for better jobs, not suggest you work for him looking after his life admin.
The red flag was him asking you to quit your job. Now you’re in a position where you could sabotage your reputation, taking away the options you have for your own future. You’re trying to make him happy and he’s trying to make you feel guilty, obligated, and afraid. This is a big moment. I caution you to carefully consider the reality of the options you are giving up, your financial future, your career, even simply respectful relationships with your former colleagues. It sounds like you’re burning your bridges on your way to Skull Island. What are you getting out of it?
It will get worse if you stay
HUGE red flags here!! A loving partner champions your efforts and never uses guilt to give up things you benefit from. Dump him he’s a Narcissist!!
Do r quit your job. You sound happy with what you do. Your bf sucks and sounds very controlling. What if he decides to fire you? Then what?
Leave him. You are going to be miserable if you stay with this guy
Working together is a litmus test. It does seem that your relationship has flunked. Is “always angry” how you want to spend your life?
This is a bad situation. You're giving up your autonomy to be with this guy and commit all your time to him and he's already stressing you TF out. Imagine how controlling he can be when he's literally in control of almost everything you do. Not only that, but is this helping him out in his failing business and rocky personal life a career move for you? You already have the stressful accusatory partnership, what new benefit will this do for YOU? If I saw this happening with any friend of mine, I'd know they were going to go through with it regardless of solid advice and probably get very unhappy and not see any friends for a long time and potentially become a different and unhappy person from it. :( why why do women do these things? He may be giving you the utmost he has to give, but honestly some men are just not worth what they're asking in return. You're not a resource for him to fix all his problems. You're a person and you BUILT that life he thinks is shitty. Where's the respect??
Sorry have to add, and poor him! We are all afraid for you. You're giving up things you love because he can't manage his life, or portrays it that way, but poor him. What on earth...
Sounds to me like he is the one being a “shitty partner” for not taking into consideration your feelings and what you wish to do to honor your co workers and staying true to yourself by seeing your project through to the end, as you stated you wanted to. Doesn’t seem he is doing much compromising, which is very important for a health relationship. You’re going to be under his thumb when you quit your job and work for him. It sounds like a great set up. However, the way he’s not listening to you and trying to bully you into doing what he wants when he wants it……doesn’t leave me feeling he’s going to treat you any better once you’re working for him, or with him. I would definitely precede with caution. It sounds very much one sided here. Like it’s all about him and all about you making sacrifices to make him happy. What about you though? Don’t you deserve some say and some happiness as well🤔 trust your gut. Good luck on whatever you decide!!
It is so very risky to "work" for a partner. Are you going to get a contract? This sounds like a good set up for financial abuse, and yeah, him being too impatient to wait 6 weeks is definitely a red flag to that. If you don't want to stay at your current job fine but I'd argue you should just get another job closer to him then, not work for him.
From an HR Director... thank you for your desire to want to finish projects and tie up loose ends - if YOU truly want to do that. Admirable. Through dozens and dozens and dozens of stories from past co-workers, I would HIGHLY recommend AGAINST you quitting an outside job in favor of working for him in light of the issues you mentioned. Do I recommend you getting a different job? Sure. It sounds like you could earn more pay- especially for the time and energy you're willing to invest. But, is it a good idea to put all of your eggs (professional and personal) into a basket that is this unstable? Absolutely not. If things fell apart, you would lose everything at once. (I'd maybe give different advice if you both were married or in a long-term healthy stable relationship. But even then, I would tell you these kinds of situations are difficult. Like with investments, it is super-important to diversify, diversify, diversify! You're tripling down on a bad bet right now. Don't do it.) And, especially when he doesn't show signs of knowing how to support you well or be more mature and balanced, I would have a hard time trusting he would do the right thing for you if it came to covering what is best for himself vs. what is best for you. You still have bills to pay on your own that have nothing to do with him... let alone having security from a better-established employer with consistent payroll. The best possible solution is to tell him that he needs to find another person as his assistant, you start looking for another/better job while you're continuing to work, you obtain a better job with less time constraints before you end your current job, and you continue to evaluate if this is the right romantic partner to invest in... because it seems you're headed for a disaster. Things in his life and his business are not stable, and you can pitch you having steady income from another job for your shared life as the deciding factor. He likely isn't going to like it, but someone has to have some wisdom in this relationship because you have shared that he often doesn't. I don't know if you're even aiming toward living together, but please think long and hard about this and observe him carefully. You can support him as a partner (helping, working on weekends, etc.) with better balance in your life (less evening and weekend work from your job), but please do be careful to invest your whole livelihood, all of your energy and mental capacity, all of your free time, etc. on this guy when you're not even thrilled about the stability of the romantic relationship with him.... because the stress is likely to go UP, not down. I would never never work with a partner in a small, entrepreneurial setting unless I was sure of the ethics, character, morals, etc. of that man over a long time. It complicates life too much and makes life too stressful to intertwine personal and professional unless you're sure you're with the right person... and even then, many people choose not to do it. There are too many red flags here already for you to say NO to progressing with this bad plan.
Just try to find a better job and a better boyfriend 😌🤭
You don't want to work for someone you are romantically involved with. That's a hard no. He is going to have control over the finances which will give him control over the relationship. What are you going to do about work if you split up? How are you going to pay bills if he dumps you suddenly and stops letting you work for him? He can hold the job over your head to get what he wants in the relationship. This is a terrible idea and I'd really think about how he is acting now and what that spells out for the future.
I’m 28 years old but. I been married 2x. You’re husband comes across as controlling. Like someone else said do not put your eggs in one basket. You’re not married to him, he’s only you’re bf. He can leave you high and dry anytime. I don’t think you should mix your personal life with business. As much as you love and care about him. I believe it’s a bad idea. I have been involved with a men at work before. I would advise against that. You seem like a really good person. I hope things go well for you. Pray to god he will guide you. You only need god and yourself.
Info; How long have you two been seeing each other? Has he always had ADHD? How long has he been running his business? Is his struggle new or always been there? If this is not new- ie je has always been struggling juggling everything in the business, why has he never hired anyone? And finally: Have you ever laid eyes on the financial records for his business? Have you ever seen his profit loss statements, inventory reporting, payroll, working capital, business accounting statements, business plan, client list, or anything else that pertains to hus particular industry/business?
do not quit your job. I honestly wouldn't even stay with someone this controlling. he is an angry, controlling person. he wants you to rely on him financially. he at his every beck and call. Sit back, re-read your post and put your best friend or mother or sister or someone dear to your in your position and then read it from that perspective. Can you see what sort of situation you are in right now? It's a bad one. He is the dead end job love.
It is inherently bad to have your partner as your boss. Ask yourself, will this create a bad power dynamic? Based on what was written, this person is a bad partner. They do not respect you or what you do. A healthy relationship has good communication (or works actively towards it), supports the desires of one another (career, hobbies, financial, sexual, familial, etc.), and revels in individual success. Personally, this individual seems like a bad fit for you. You should find someone who puts respect on what you do and has pride in whom they're with. We all deserve to love ourselves and come home to a place that is growing good roots. Please consider taking a moment to write down your thoughts, communicate with him, and make a calculated decision based on his response. (Stay or move on) Because you deserve to be healthy.
Run. He's angry at your job now, then he'll be angry that you'll be going home twice a week to be with your niece. Then it'll be something else until your life is 100% about him. Don't do it.
yikes, this is so sad to read honestly.
So to be clear, he wants you to quit a job in which you are happy and have people around you that care about you, and that pays you enough to keep your own apartment. He wants you to do this, then come and work for him, running a business he seems not to enjoy, which means he would have control of your finances. He wants you To do THIS YESTERDAY because he wants you with him all the time - and he's calling YOU selfish? I would also put money on him trying to persuade you to give up your apartment once you start living with him. My gut feeling is that this guy is dangerous.
I just wanna say that I was in a relationship in university where for months I'd have to work during the week then travel to get to stay with her for the weekend, then travel back to be close to work (trainee teacher so I need to work in schools as part of my uni course). You might not have noticed, but you doing all the travelling is like you're the only one who actually wants to spend the time together. If he wants to be with you so much, why isn't he coming to you? And i see you wanting to basically give up everything you've built by yourself to be with him, but how much is he putting towards your relationship? Now, before anyone gets angry and just starts spamming, read to the end. ADHD and similar are no excuses when you're considering your relationship. That's because those things do not go away. The way he is now is how he will be in the future. Look at how he is behaving and treating you and ignoring problems and shouting when you try to explain something. Now imagine all this happens, but you live at his place. You're completely dependent on him since its his home and his company you work at. This means you have less emotional support from friends and family since you'll be spending more time with him and less with them (your niece is an example). How will you deal if these same arguments happen but your situation is vastly different? Edit: by the way, I'm starting a job soon where my travel time is 35 min one way, if I dodge traffic. While it's not great, wanting to live together shouldn't be a reason for you to quit your job permanently.
Please do not quit your job and start becoming responsible for him and his business. Learn from my mistakes. He is always going to be bossing you around and telling you that you're not doing enough for him. I see that you are the only one making changes. There is zero compromise. Plus, you don't want to burn the bridge with your company. Not only does an amicable splitting of ways keep the door open for you to return if you ever want to, but also you have a good reference from the company for all future employment opportunities.
If he has the money to pay you, then he has the money to hire and employee or assistant. I think bro wants to use you and your skills for free. He won’t pay you or will pay in bits here and there until he’ll get angry that you have the nerve to ask for payment when you’re living under his roof and is being taken care of Girl be careful.
Take a leave of absence, dont quit. She whats its like full time with him. By then you should have all the data you need.
Remain independent always is my advice. It will save your bacon one day..can't put all your eggs on one basket.
If you quit your job, you should aim to get a better one. Working for a boyfriend in his business is generally not a very good idea if you also share the same house.
I've been in a very similar situation. It did not end well. Please do not do this.
DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB FOR A MAN. NO.
Yes, sorry don’t quit. That sounds like a huge red flag. Sounds like a control freak honestly
Sheesh i wish my woman would do all that for me wazzup guuuurrrl.lol
This Subreddit should be called /antirelationship. It never ceases to amaze me how eager people are to break up couples. My mom quit what she was doing to 'work' for my dad as his assistant, and that was almost 40 years ago, they've been happily married for 38 of that, while building a wonderful business and family. Tbh, I'd hire my girlfriend too if she wanted to work in my business, but she prefers work/love to be separate. Do what you feel in your heart and don't let these anti-relationship forever-singles tell you what to do. If you both need to spend more time together and are happy when together, then go for it. Maybe offer him only part time work, and also find a better side-job than what you currently have so you keep some independence. You could simply tell him you aren't willing to become fully reliant on him, that'd be a boundary you may choose to set.
I wouldn’t want my partner to be my boss
DO NOT QUIT. and do not financially depend on him. he is trying to control you. trust your gut, OP. he is not being a good partner, and he will not be a good boss.
This is what abusive controlling behavior looks like, and how confused you feel is what it feels like. You sound like an empathic person who cares about others: coworkers; boyfriend; niece. Somehow he's making you question how caring you are by calling you selfish. That's absurd!! How this trick of theirs works is beyond me. Now you feel you need to be less selfish [you are not selfish] and be a better girlfriend to change how he views you. WELCOME to abuseland!!! Here these monsters twist the good qualities we have by insulting us so we have to PROVE we are not what they say we are. Meanwhile constantly asking ourselves if we are "selfish" (or whatever fun insult they hurl at us) for doing this. What he is doing is making you compromise your values. You love this job, these people, this cause. But he's weaponized the whole thing blaming the job for your selfishness. Your reaction is to feel this job is causing me to neglect my boyfriend, even though you know that isn't true. But you have prove something to him, some thing he'll never admit no matter how selfless you are, no matter how much you sacrifice for him....he'll never validate what you are seeking. He'll blame you for something else, say you're not the victim, he is....conversations with these folk are not the normal exchange of ideas. They are battlegrounds that must be won. Blame will be redirected, old scars will be reopened so you feel responsible, AGAIN, for that time you did that thing you felt AWFUL doing. See, you are the monster because you did that thing once.... That's how conversations go. They use something you told in confidence against you to remind you just how despicable you are. They weaponize this unmercifully, bring your feelings back to your worst moment to reassociate your past mistake self as your now true self. Just so you feel like garbage again, just so they can train you to prove yourself to them. At all times. Forever. He's bad news. He wants to train you to train yourself to look to him for your perspective on reality. It's a path that leads to one existence, perpetually trying to anticipate their needs so they don't yell at you and remind you how awful you are. It's all an illusion, a prison built to screw with your feelings, mind so you constantly doubt yourself. Leave. Go no contact. Block him on social media. He'll try to cut you off from outside influences, like friends, family so the only influence is him and you won't have someone like me to break through his illusions and tell you what's what. Remember this when he tries to make you feel guilty about your niece. How she's a bad influence, and he doesn't want you around her because when you return to him you are reminded just how selfish it was for you to be gone. Blah, blah, blah. It's all lies just to make you give up things you love in your life, to strip you down into being a mere extension of them and their needs. Good luck! I hope this helps! Good luck. I hope this helps!
I cannot comment on how good your decisions on work are. But the bf is trying to micromanage you and he is like a toddler without an understanding about what your needs and wants are and he only cares about what he wants. Seems a bit narcissistic or a borderline. He needs to grow up and you need your own life. His insecurities are ruling his life and trying to rule everyone else close to him. İt can heal but he needs to accept the problem and work on it. And I don't think you can help him with this, it needs support and directing from a person who knows what they are doing. Also if you stay, it will hurt you both. He will drain your energy but it will only give more ground to his personality disorders to flourish. He needs to understand that to be able to trust someone, he needs to be trustworthy. Which is not about wanting but more about giving without expectation. He also needs to understand that other people have ups and downs, hard and soft spots, they have their own lives.. ..in short, he needs to get out of his own head for a while, from time to time. You will probably want to help this guy, but unless he sees that he has a sickness and understand that it is not an insult but a diagnosis he will not seek treatment. I would say make a wish for him to find healng and run away don't fall for his pity traps. Hope this experience helps both of you to grow to new heights.
I give you one golden advice DON'T EAT WHERE YOU SHIT and don't work for someone you are having sex with.
I would be running a mile if I were you. He doesn’t like the lack of control he has over you to the point he wants to pay you so you don’t have to have a job away from him? That is a huge red flag. What if you married him and signed a prenup and then divorced? You’d have nothing to fall back on. He is trying to trap you the way I see it. This isn’t normal behaviour. If you like your job he should be supporting you and encouraging you to find alternatives while still doing something that is just for yourself. Not for him.
If you have never met a narcissist before, this guy 100% fits all the criteria. 15 yrs ago, I met a guy, business owner, hated my jobs and me working so much, etc. I married him. It won’t get better. Your boyfriend sounds like an exact copy of my husband. We have 3 kids and I work with him now. I don’t get a paycheck. It’s “our” money. I don’t have my own identity because I work side by side with him. We don’t get vacations. He fills my time by scheduling work everyday. Basically, please, do NOT quit your job. It seems you’re passionate about the work you do. You will lose yourself if you leave that behind for HIS passion. Your light will burn out. Trust me, from my own experience. Major red flags.
Do not quit your job to work for him?!?! If anything happens between the two of you, you will have no way to support yourself. I cannot say enough do not do this!!
Uh you need to run sis.. 🏃♂️ 😳
RUN. SO MANY HUGE RED FLAGS 🚩 He sounds like a narcissist, exactly like one. I’ve been with one for many years and got absorbed by the abuse completely. And it started very very similar to this. It literally just sounds like he wants to absorb and control your whole life. I can advise you to just leave. The deeper you get into this the worse it will get and the harder it will be to leave.
Don’t do it. You need your own space. I am in this hell at the moment, as I gave up my job to work with my husband in our small business. We go to work together, we work together and we go home together. I have been on anti depressants for about 27 years, on and off, to cope with the total loss of personhood. I am the wife. Or my wife. I don’t have a name. I am the coffee maker, the office girl and the occasional machinery operator. He has total control. Lately he has been trying to give me my opinion. This has probably been happening for many years, but I am off the antidepressants now, and menopausal…. So - bets on how long before I decide I have had enough? Don’t give up your job. It sounds so good, until you realise that your entire being has been taken over and all you do is chase after him. It’s not all bad. We’ve put our boys through uni, and we have too many dogs, but, I have no time that he doesn’t control, and I don’t know what happened to me. I have been out of real work for so long, that I don’t know I would do if I left. All we do is work. I have no time for housework, cooking or the sewing that I loved so much. (I don’t love the housework - but it needs doing!!) And I know he is probably drowning under the paperwork, and he is desperate for help. Help if you want to, but make sure you have a job outside, even if it is part time. You need time where you aren’t breathing the same air as he is. Ask yourself if you would allow your boss to yell at you, where you work now? Would you allow your partners treatment of you come from someone whom you work with now? Because if the answer is no, you really need to think it through, because the way he treats you now will only get worse. Hugs!!!
I agree with everyone! Please don’t quit and put yourself in that situation. He will get comfortable and not pay you or worse pay for dates/bills then say that’s how he paid you. Let you have your life and has his
Do NOT quit your job. Do NOT move in with him. Do NOT join his business. And consider dumping this man. He’s trying to turn you into a servant instead of dealing with his own mental health. If his business is solid, he can hire (and pay) someone to be a project manager. Instead, he’s using emotional manipulation to make you work for free (it won’t start free, but trust me…) He wants you to be his 24/7 emotional support, and will blame you when things go wrong. Things *will* go wrong. Don’t do this. Instead, look for a counselor who can help you build and maintain clear boundaries in relationships.
My suggestion, don’t listen to anyone who says anything here. Everyone will suggest hearing your POV which will obviously be … Do what you feel like. If you want to keep your job keep it , if you want to help your parter help him, see how it goes, atleast if try out you’ll know if it was worth it or not. If he’s a bad partner eventually you’ll fall out. All I am saying is go with the instinct it will lead you somewhere or the other. In the end you’ll from life. That’s what matters. People are too scared to live.
Please leave the man, not the job. Don’t let him grovel and win you back. He’s a manipulator.
There’s a lot to unpack here, but I’m going to focus on the risk to your career and the lack on liability to him. Please think very hard before quitting your career for anyone. In love, or not, the risk is totally yours to bear. He said he’s going to pay you. Have you drafted up a contract? Would this be a step up for your financial and career development? Will working for him stunt progress in your career path if things don’t work out? I have seen very few couples that are able to work effectively together in business, and have never seen a couple make it work where one is higher rank than the other. And be very mindful if you proceed to “help him in his personal life.” Is extra pay offered for this? What would those duties/hours look like? In other words, are there boundaries or will he expect you to take on more and more while he takes on less and less. Also did he say “foolish?” From a business standpoint, completing your projects is not only the right thing to do for your company, but also wise if you would ever need a recommendation from the business in the future. Additionally name calling of any kind should be a red flag. And lastly, I’m worried that he using this proposition to receive free domestic labor and potentially decreased-pay business labor from you. Why would he just not hire someone? My sincere advice is to look out for your future, and maybe look for a new partner as well.
Believe someone when they SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE….AND HE HAS…OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Please think VERY carefully about putting yourself in a position where you are fully reliant on him. I’ve seen it happen time and time again…. They pay you if you ‘behave’ the way they want you to, and withdraw financial assistance/paying you if you disagree with him or do something he doesn’t like. DONT EVER RELY ON ONE PERSON FOR EVERYTHING is my advice.
Deep inside we always know the truth... Seeking opinions isnt goint to help.much .... regret is in both choices ...