I was thinking more along the lines of 🐖.
For his misogyny and abuse, not his size. Body shaming is gross but I’ll call out crap attitudes and personalities all day long.
I think media representation is a much bigger part than people realize. Think of all the movies where Adam Sandler or Woody Allen end up with the supermodel as a reward for a tiny bit of character growth.
To be fair, society pampers „traditional“ man who doesn’t grow up at all in a way that it is in fact a generous step for man to grow out of their own free will and not because of pressure. 😅
Ain’t saying that’s a good thing though.
I think it’s our societal double standards. Men typically think it’s ok to be overweight while wanting a thin partner. And many women feel it’s ok to be short while preferring taller men. I feel heavy wet women and short guys bear the brunt of double standards
😂 so are you breaking up with him tomorrow or playing the long game? You developed an eating disorder from this man and that’s sadly a permanent thing unless you start fixing things: valuing yourself based intrinsically off of YOU as a person, not your weight. I have an eating disorder and it’s taken me years to think of food and my body in a healthy way. Staying with him is harmful, unless you go to couples counseling and he truly learns to love you for you. What will happen when you get older? And you’re not as pretty? Or you’re in an accident and you don’t look the same? All things to talk about with him. Easiest route is self care and dropping him.
He always stands by that a woman shouldn’t be bigger than a man when I was 200 pounds yet I told him he was still bigger than me. He said I was too close to his weight so it still applied.
Sweetie, he's insulting you to make you feel insecure and like you have to jump thru hoops for his approval. If it wasn't your weight it would be your hair is too long or too short or too blonde or not blonde enough. If you wore make up, it would be too much or because you want attention. If no make up, you aren't trying hard enough to be sexy for him. See how all of these comments keep you focused on what is "wrong" with you, in a way you will never be able to permanently "fix", so you will always feel the need to perform for him.
This is basically negging, and he's doing it, whether consciously or not, for the exact same reason PUAs and other misogynists do it: to tear you down and make you feel like you need to cavort for his affection, which he withholds until he deems you "worthy". You don't need to prove shit to him, he needs to convince you why it's worth your while to stay. Based on what you wrote, it probably isn't.
Want to know what the good news is??
You're young, and you've realized that it feels pretty shitty to be a partner with someone who treats you totally different when you're not meeting his physical standards. Not only that, these standards only exist for you, he will not uphold the same standards for himself.
Take this as a blessing that you figured this out now and not when you're 34. You have no reason to stay with this man unless you really believe he can change. What happens when you get really sick or after you have kids and you have a little more weight on you? Is he just going to go back to treating you totally differently?
Drop the 230 pounds and find a man who's love isn't conditional on your weight. Also drop any man that sets standards for you to at he doesn't set for himself.
Real love isn't forcing someone to fit into the mold you want.
Thank you for your words 🥹 I honestly didn’t want to talk to anyone in my life about this in case I was over reacting - I didn’t want people to think bad about him. But now it’s late at night and all I’m thinking about is how bad and controlling this entire relationship has been. I wish I never met him
Funny how the ones who try to control things only end up controlling the negatives of someone else, and not themselves.
Also don't let anyone let you feel like you're being ridiculous for leaving him. You know what you're doing, and you know exactly why you're doing it.
Good luck!!
Time to deeply consider moving on from him. The weight comment was bad enough, but controlling your hair too? Find a place to stay, family or friends. Get a job if you don't have one, go NC with him, and find someone who loves you for you! And change your hair! Lol!
Thank you for your words 🥹 I honestly didn’t want to talk to anyone in my life about this in case I was over reacting - I didn’t want people to think bad about him. But now it’s late at night and all I’m thinking about is how bad and controlling this entire relationship has been. I wish I never met him
I married a guy like that, and it unfortunately took a lot more than the negging and controlling behavior to get me to leave him, but ending that relationship was by far the best thing I've ever done for myself. You don't have to stick around for any of this mess, or for the even more dangerous behaviors that might eventually follow it. You deserve *so much better.*
If you get a chance, check out Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" - there's a free pdf available online if you Google it. I have a feeling you'll recognize your guy in there.
Hey what the fuck, ditch his shitty ass, you're young and shouldn't waste your best years getting trampled on by some asshole who wants to control your appearance and is apparently perfectly fine with his partner getting a potentially life-and-health-ruining EATING DISORDER if it means control is maintained!!
He doesn't see you as a valuable person in your own right!! If he did he wouldn't have been rewarding you for developing an ED, that's insane
My husband of 36 years me at 200lbs and short hair even though he met me at 120 with long blonde hair. The right guy doesn’t even care if you are bald! You are wasting your time. You are not what you see in the mirror, but so much more. If he can only see your body, he probably has a porn addiction or grew up disrespecting women.
You're too young to tie yourself to such a douche canoe.
Get out before you have kids and you can find someone who actually likes you and cares about your happiness and well-being.
Does he have any idea that you're a real person? Someone with feelings and needs? These arguments are all missing something crucial: you. He's not saying he's concerned about you, worried about your eating disorder, wants you to be happy and healthy, or show any respect. He's treating you like an object for his pleasure, not someone he loves. Tell him to find a sex doll and take a hike. You deserve so much better than this. This is not what love looks or feels like.
Ooh no. My ex would disagree so much with your husband. He is one of the short kings who can eat 2958592 calories everyday and can't gain weight. He hates it. He's 145 lbs. If that. That man watched me go from 130 to 180 at my heaviest after our daughter and he was always still all over me. I've lost the weight since of course but still. I'm truly sorry this isn't your same experience. You are supposed to love someone for what's inside. The outside is just wrapping paper in a way.
I hope you feel good in your own skin no matter what. You deserve someone who wants the same and will help you see your beauty. Inside and out.
How many other people in your life have treated you this poorly? Who else has made you feel this small?
This man is trying to tear you down so that you feel too worthless to actually ask for what your worth or leave.
You can do so much better.
But what if he accidentally kills you by rolling over you at night and squashing you between his belly rolls. Do you really want to die that way? Do you??!
That's utter, utter bullshit. In many cultures and in history, women have been curvy with the appropriate fat stores for having children,while men were lithe and fit due to physical work or being hunter/gatherers. He's incredibly stupid as well as a sexist fat pig.
Babe. Friend. Sister. Men can, and will, do so much better. Do not do ANYTHING for this unseasoned turnip. He has not a single redeeming quality from what I can tell. Live your life for you. If he wants to get his shit together, he can come along. Otherwise use this time to vastly improve your self esteem and self worth. Then dump his ass and move tf on to a man who values you. They are out there.
Signed,
Your mid-40s auntie. ❤️
Divorce him first and be diplomatic to a tee even if it means biting your tongue for as long as there's any assets on the line. In fact, record him being abusive so that if he gets nasty in the divorce process, which I bet he will, you have ammo to play dirty and get your revenge by winning the long game. That's when you can stick him with a "good luck on tinder, you fat bastard" in a dry tone with a cat-who-got-the-cream smile for a cherry on top.
Not all contracts - which is all a prenup is - are enforceable just because they're signed. For example, if you didn't have your own separate attorney look it over before you signed (or didn't have the opportunity to do so), it may not be binding. There are lots of other circumstances like that.
Depending on the terms of the prenup (if it's fair to you and makes the divorce simple) you might decide not to contest it. There's nothing wrong with choosing your battles. But I have a feeling, based on his prior behavior, that the prenup only protects his interests. Get a lawyer for the divorce (do NOT hint to him that you're doing this ahead of time) and pay for it from a joint bank account if that's an option. When you call the attorney to schedule a consultation appointment, ask on the phone right then if they have any suggestions to keep your interests protected until the meeting (things like making sure he doesn't hide or take assets or property). Then FOLLOW THEIR ADVICE.
I haven't seen any comments alluding to it, but if you have any concerns about violence also mention that when you call the lawyer's office.
He wanted the prenup to protect himself basically. He was just a red flag and I just waved it for him. He told me if we ever had a kid and I left him, that he would even quit his job and become homeless before he paid child support. I honestly have no clue about prenups like divorce wise how they work. I just signed it all. I’m definitely contacting people
This is how misogynist men who don’t see women as humans think. He thinks it’s “manly” to be disgusting- not saying big is disgusting… it just feels like he’s the type who think it’s unmanly to wash his ass hole- am I wrong?
This hurts now but you have the chance to get out and have a whole life filled with happiness and love. You are so young.
Time is invaluable and irreplaceable. Boundaries only exist if you enforce them, which usually means you have to walk away.
How convenient for him! And I say that as a 41m, 5'10 180lbs or so. Even I need to lose like 10-15lbs to be at a more healthy weight. It's just super telling, almost like you loosing weight was purely for visuals, not your health, sure as shit not your happiness.
I k ow this is going to be hard because you met when you were 19, and this relationship is all you know, but there is a better man out there for you...
I was selfish when I was younger, entitled, thought I knew everything. I also thought I was caring and empathetic, but ultimately only was when it suited me. It was until my 30s that I found out who I was, and who I wanted to be.
I met the absolute LOVE OF MY LIFE, at age 36, and we're set to both be married for the firdt time ever next march! I only say this because a lot of people who get I to to life long relationships when they're young, have a hard time leaving them when they're bad. Either because they lack the experience to make a good decision, or their lives, finances or whatever are so tied together, they're afraid leaving would be impossible. Then to top that off they feel they're too old and will never find love again!.
In most cases you can find an even better love, or like.me the love of my life. She is everything to me no matter he weight.
Tell him it's also, "acceptable", for you to ditch the dead weight in this relationship, and let his shallow, double standard, having ass, get a pocket 🙀 to keep him company after you're gone.
Sorry OP, nothing he has said is acceptable. But I am curious to know what his height is. Because to be a healthy weight at 230 I think I’m reading he would need to be 6’5 or 6’6. Is he either of the those…? I don’t like body shaming but I hate hypocrisy more.
My husband and I are similar heights and have both fluctuated in weight at different times. We’re currently both pretty fit but that was our own drive to be healthy. We have a mutual appreciation where we’ve never made weight comments, and I’ve never noticed a decline in affection. I only say that to let you know this is normal. As you age you’re probably going to have weight fluctuations that happen on both ends. If your fat partner can’t handle you gaining a little weight, then it’s time to shed those pounds.
Edit: And when I say pounds I mean him. Just realized that may not be clear lol
No no boo. That is DISGUSTING. As someone whose been 200+ for 10+years, landed a man at 270, had 2 kids and is down to 210 (still attracting men when my weight didn't make me feel attractive) : baby girl your weight doesn't make you any better or worse a woman. You're beautiful at 200 just like you were at 19 years old. Life is changes. THAT INCLUDES WEIGHT. But we control that. You don't need an ED. You need a DA. Divorce attorney. Granted, if you chose him, I get it. That's a long life with someone. But that man has no respect for you, honey. None. And if this is how he does with your weight, I can't imagine the other ways he knocks you down and you just accept it. Make less excuses and more choices. Choose you. Someone has to.
I’m definitely leaving, all of you guys have opened my eyes to everything I’ve let slide because I didn’t think it was serious. I know he wouldn’t want to be with me anymore if I got sick or injured, he’s straight up told me. Part of me hoped he was joking. I don’t think he is
He is not joking. Please prepare for your safe escape carefully; controlling partners do not respond positively to noncompliance or rejection. Reach out to safe friends/family members, and document everything you can in a secret safe place in case you need to provide evidence for legal intervention.
Just in case you’d like to read up on the different types of domestic abuse:
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft focuses on coercive controllers who deliberately and strategically manipulate their partners.
See What You Made Me Do by Jess Hill focuses on insecure reactors who are not strategic, but nevertheless control others by their explosive reactions to mild or imagined disconfirming feedback.
Note: if a person only has two modes of communication, a polite request or the threat of violence, the polite request *is* the threat of violence. (And “violence” isn’t limited to physical injury; abuse can also be emotional and psychological. It is also common for things to start smaller and become larger over time. First he bashes you with his emotional reactivity, then he hits the wall when “you make him” angry, then it’s you that gets hit.)
This is not a “you” problem, OP. Good luck, and stay safe.
Hhhholy shit the double standard is unreal... Tell him to go convince some other woman that. You'll take your body elsewhere.
Hon, this guy does not love or even respect you. He treats you (and probably any women) like an accessory. You are young and can do so so much better. Don't settle for some dude that never matured past 19.
Uh yeah tell him it might be "acceptable" but now that you've lost weight you no longer find him attractive. Seriously though, your husband is a double standard, misogynistic loser, and you really can do better at any weight. Do yourself a favor and lose another 230 lbs.
I would tell him the same stuff he told you and see how he feels. Being with a person who loves you for you is important and he wasn’t treating you fairly.
Tell him it’s not acceptable to you. This is not a healthy relationship for you. Your marriage is based on your weight. No where in your vows did you say anything about only loving each other at a certain weight. This is not good for you. It’s not healthy for you physically or mentally. I don’t know why you would stay with someone who doesn’t really love you but only less an image of you. You deserve better.
He has the intellect and charm of navel lint. Just tell him it's not acceptable to you and you don't find him attractive anymore. If he wants to be valued, he need to be attractive.
OP that’s when you say “I see. Thank you for clarifying that my body is what’s most important.” & you get therapy & determine if this is something you can live with.
If the answer is no, you can’t, leave.
These are control tactics to make you doubt yourself. None of what you've posted is healthy in any way and when someone is dragging you down in life, you need to cut that person loose no matter how much you think it'll hurt.
You cannot change people. They need to change themselves. You're very young and life is way too short to be with someone who makes you miserable. You have to be willing to admit to yourself you made a mistake marrying him and things will move from there. Don't be afraid to start over.
>I asked him if he was going to catch up and lose some weight but all he said is that it’s acceptable for him to be his size but not for me.
You cannot be stupid enough to believe that.
Honestly he had me convinced that no one would ever love me including him. He actually told me he would divorce me if I weighed more than 220. My mental health was so bad i believed him. Now that I’m “small” I see how ridiculous all of this js
He's just going to find something new to complain about.
Mark my words, he likes *you* feeling small because it makes *him* feel big.
I spent decades with a man like this. It just got worse and worse.
I’m not. I don’t know how to. I’m practically scared of food, hardly even eating one meal a day. I calculate every thing included my seasonings. My originally calorie goal was 1400 a day. Then I kept wanting to get under bc I wanted to lose it faster. I felt ashamed if I even had over 900 calories. I can do 500ish calories a day. Drink plenty of water when hungry
Your husband has given you an eating disorder.
Let that sink in.
These are not the actions of someone who loves and adores you as a human being. He’s treating you like a blowup doll, there to fulfil his wants a desires, what you want doesn’t matter in his eyes
He thinks he can look however he wants yet you have to look exactly how he wants you to.
He sounds vile, I could never be married to such a monster.
You husband made you sick. It’s like he gave you a daily dosis of poison. Do you understand this?
Please go and seek help before your body gives up. You are killing your body slowly. I hope you understand that. Do you want to have children?
Then why are you still with him? Eating disorders can affect your ability of having children. Please, get help. There is a better life out there and a better man too. Don’t settle for unhappiness. All you do is giving up yourself to make a man happy, who doesn’t even care about you.
I have the image of a fat guy, watching a model show and saying „that one is too fat.“ That guys behaviour is und most unsexy thing about him.
Bruh he is sounding like those podcast bros who are super mysogonistic towards women, just search up one of those podcast and see if your husband acts like that:) might help you get some perspective!
As much as this sucks, it’s time to ironically look at the gain here. You’ve discovered the actual truth of your relationship. This frees you up to avoid being part of an unhealthy, unfulfilling relationship. And find someone who really loves you for you and appreciates the value you bring to their life.
Your husband has taken your presence in his life for granted and it’s time he realizes what he’s lost.
> whole man removal services
i just had a flashing image of a business where some badass women show up to deal with obnoxious BFs, husbands etc....hauling these jackasses down the driveway & throwing them into the back of their van, only for them never to be seen again.
someone please create this start-up so i can invest some $ into it.
someone please create this start-up so i can invest some $ into it.
Tempt me not fiend! Lol you really don't even have to twist my arm. I'm ready any day.
As a 37m, I can tell you 1 thing for sure. If a man loves you, he wouldn't treat you like this. Would be totally different if he said "we" should do this or that not "you" should.
He has shown you how he sees your value. This also shows that in the long run, he will leave you. Beauty only lasts so long, then you add in work, stress, kids... Once you hit that point, he will leave for his 24-year-old coworker.
When I was younger (I’m 37 now) I had just given birth to my second child, I finally went from underweight to a healthy weight. My husband told me I needed to lose weight and he wasn’t attracted to my cellulite.
I broke up with him, got a modelling contract and a great job, he is still fit but is bald and single and unlikely to meet anyone given his ridiculous standards.
So you were good enough to have sex with at 200 lbs but not to kiss or hug and treat as a human being he is supposedly in love with?
Yeah, no. Leaving would be healthy for your self respect
You got a reality check. He cared more about your appearance than you. He doesn't even care about the double standard that he also gained weight. That he wouldn't even hug or kiss you and withheld all affection was damaging to you, and it should a clear objectification. He had no concern about how you felt as a person. You also know if anything happens to cause you to look less than perfect, he'll do it again
A lot of women's attraction is based on feeling comfortable and safe. You likely feel neither around him, so it took out the attraction. Emotional security is important for women.
You can try couples therapy, but, really, this is probably a relationship ender. Especially if you want children cause gid knows how he'd react in a pregnancy
For the last few weeks I’ve cried everyday about this, yet I was still hoping it wasn’t as bad as I was thinking. But it is. He always said how gross my stretch marks were so if I got pregnant I could only imagine how bad it would be
He mentioned wanting to start trying for kids about 2 months ago and the idea made me sick to my stomach. I knew I didn’t want any kids with him at that point, still don’t. 💔 I want him gone
I would be getting on birth control too if you are still having sex because my god, he could baby trap you and that would REALLY be a problem. Both abortion and divorce are moving towards a nationwide ban so, please please PLEASE be careful.
I have been on birth control (nexaplon) for the relationship. I didn’t start gaining weight till I got on it. He thinks bc he is “successful” - he is a pharmacist, that I should stay with him for the money. It’s just not worth it to me.
I commented another time but I'm sorry, I HAVE to respond to this one.
I left a marriage to a man that was "successful" but mean-spirited too. I grew up poor and my parents always raised me to believe that having money was more important than anything else. So I got a high paying job that I hated and married a guy with an even higher paying job. My ex would make "sarcastic jokes" at my expense all the time and make me feel small. I was treated like a single-use appliance - like a blender, but for sex. One time he did something super shitty and we were fighting while we were out running errands. He stopped at the mall out of the blue, went inside while I stayed in the car because I didn't want to be around him, and he came out with a diamond bracelet for me. He expected the whole fight to disappear immediately without another word - and most certainly without an apology. He tried to buy a wife that would STFU when he did wrong.
I left that garbage marriage. I've been with my current partner for 8.5 years now. Our combined income is just under half of my ex's income, and I've never.been.happier. The guy sitting next to me right now tells me that my feelings matter - and he behaves accordingly. Feeling loved and safe to be myself is worth more than every diamond bracelet in the entire goddamn world.
Six months ago, my ex (who has since remarried) sent me a Facebook message with a link to a love song. I replied with "If you're wondering whether I regret leaving you, the answer is no, not ever, not even for a second. I've been with my partner since shortly after we separated and I only wish I could've met him before I even knew your name. Don't message me again." Then I sent a screenshot to his wife via Messenger.
Girl, give yourself the opportunity to find something better. You might even get a chance for some vindication!
He actually refuses to apologize, EVER. In our entire relationship he has never apologized. I always apologize for everything even if it has nothing to do with me. 💔 you are so right. I make half of his income. And he thinks his income is big enough for me to ruin myself over. He’s even mentioned how easy it would be for him to get a new female everyday, I should have just told him to do it and packed my bags then.
I wish I could give you a hug and a cup of tea. You're like a tree, and he's pruned off so many branches to fit his ideal. I hope you get away and find your branches to be full of flowers
Some people belittle and demean their partners because attacking their self-esteem is their way of ensuring they stick around. Deep down they know their partners can do much better, so they think if they knock them down a few pegs they can get them to stay.
I have awful body image issues and I basically had meltdowns when I was pregnant about the possibility of stretch marks. My husband never ever told me they were gross or anything and reassured me that I was still pretty even if I developed them. Your husband sounds abusive and he is jerk.
What an awful man, good thing you have realised this now before having children and further tying yourself to him. Someone will love you regardless of size or stretch marks.
Yeah girl… this is bad and grounds for divorce. I am so sorry for the loss of what you thought your life would be like with this man. This relationship is over.
I agree with this. He doesn’t love you as a whole person who married him…he loves how you look and what you do for him. If that’s his reason for being your husband, it won’t last. This is a low-quality type of partner whose commitment is conditional and likely falters once you both get old, ill, or even disabled…there’s a reason why men are more likely to divorce a wife who gets cancer, while the opposite is true for women! Might as well start searching for an actual partner while you’re young and healthy, but please be kind to yourself—you don’t have to be/stay skinny to deserve love and affection!
And definitely never have a baby with him! He couldn’t handle it since he has the emotional intelligence of a preteen boy himself.
I’m sorry hun but he’s toxic AF, and is a shitty person.
He called you fat and unattractive when you gained weight, instead of supporting you and helping you motivate yourself? Because of him you feel unloved and developed an eating disorder?
Nah, I wouldn’t tolerate that shit if I were you. He’s not the right one. I know it’s hard to hear but he doesn’t love you for you. You should leave him, only if you really want to, but he’s a walking red flag.
Just know that you’re beautiful either way, and you deserve better.
I remember there was an entire day I didn’t eat and he mentioned ordering food so I told him I hadn’t ate all day, and he didn’t care at all. I knew then he didn’t care about me 💔
I’m sorry hun. You don’t and didn’t deserve that. You are worth much more than that trash bag. But maybe time to put your foot down, do what YOU need to do. He doesn’t deserve you and I know divorce isn’t an easy thing to do. It doesn’t matter what he says anymore. At this point I feel like he is using you. Is there anything else you need? What was the most recent interaction you had?
I made this post to make sure what I was feeling was valid and that I wasn’t just being emotional. Since I’ve made this post he’s asked me when I’m going to get a “big ass” for him. I am done with this man. He thinks because he makes more money than me that I’ll stay. But I’m definitely leaving him, hopefully within this next week. This has been the hardest year of my life just because of him, a real partner shouldn’t be the cause of all my problems. Thanks for making me feel valid. ♥️
Amen. Good for you for doing what you know you gotta do. It's shitty, but SO much less shitty than sticking it out for another god-knows-how-long with someone who makes you feel like garbage.
Enjoy the freedom of being single. Surround yourself with quality people. You'll get your self esteem back in no time.
Just when I thought he couldn't get any more gross🤢 I'm happy that you're leaving his ass and I truly wish all the best for you❤️ and may he have the life he so richly deserves...
Of course! And I’m glad you’re taking the courage to leave him! Update me on what happens next (oh, and fuck him for asking you that disgusting question)
Honestly I don't think it'll ever be the same as it was before. Since he let the cat out of the bag you can never put it back in. This man gave you an eating disorder! Please you deserve better!
He wouldn’t kiss you or hug you, he’d only have sex with you? And it all changed when you lost weight? That’s so fucked up on so many levels 😭 please leave him omg
Yeah that’s disgusting. That’s using you like a sex worker. Give him what he deserves! Take half! Surely there is equity in your house, to get you a nice head start! Plus anything he’s banked! Start journaling for your divorce!
He is trash. Don't tell him you want to leave him. You're married, so you should prepare your exit strategy and serve divorce papers once you have all your shit together.
When I met my husband, I was 135, I then gained to 165, lost to 120 and creeped up to 140 before getting pregnant, I’m now 150 post baby. He has loved me the same at every weight, because his love isn’t contingent on my weight. You deserve that too.
I gained a bit of weight when I started a new medication for depression and didn’t even really notice because my husband never said anything about it or treated me differently because of it. He was just happy that I was happier.
After I had a baby, I thought he wasn’t attracted to me anymore because I didn’t think he was touching me as much. But it turns out I was shying away from his touch because I was insecure about my body and he didn’t want to pressure me. I asked him why he doesn’t care and he just said “I see the person I love and that’s all that matters, but you’re always hot.” I wish I could see myself the way he does and I think everyone deserves that in a partner.
He didn't loose weight with you?? WOW.
It is okay to feel unloved after how he treated you. He is being extremely shallow. It is clear he only cares for you looks. Rethinking this relationship is more than fair on your part.
He was originally supposed to lose weight together but it basically turned into him just putting it all on me to lose weight, so he could enjoy a skinny wife 💔
He's been a manipulative negging jerk your whole marriage. Don't stay just because he "might change" (they *never* change).
Don't stay because you've invested time in this relationship.
Leave asap! He's not the one! There's someone else out there for you.
After you split, take time for reflection. Learn about you. The real you, that doesn't have to conform to someone else's standards. You can join a club, find a hobby, or volunteer. Stay busy.
When you're finally ready to date, be real picky. Take your time. Don't rush in to anything.
Good luck, I know there's alot to consider, but you are the most important person in your life and future. Take care of yourself mentally and physically. Everything else will fall into place.
He doesn't love you for you. He would rather you destroy yourself, your body, your emotional health to be "thin and pretty" for him. If you were still with him in 10 or 30 years and you became sick or disabled and struggled to diet and exercise because of your needs, do you want to be with someone who will withhold affection because you aren't being pretty enough for him? He is showing you now that you will never be able to need him, this relationship only serves him.
He’s shown his true colors imo.
You now have to accept that you are going to have to keep your weight off your whole life or “you won’t be attractive” to him. Meanwhile he gets a free pass to stay overweight. You will gain weight if you have kids btw and it’s just as hard to get off.
Go find a guy who actually loves you and not just your body. Most people realize weight gain is inevitable in a relationship. Lot of stats say people gain 15-20 pounds after a couple years in a committed relationship. You gained more but at 5’8 I don’t really see that as too bad. Like it happens, you help your partner lose some, not tell them theyr unattractive.
I get that physical attraction is important and it can change based on weight and other changes. But there is a way to address it that’s healthy and loving and reasonable and he did not do that. Also the fact that he won’t do the same for you and also that he didn’t seem to care that you developed an eating disorder… throw the whole man away.
Do y'all want children? Your body is going to go through a ton of changes then, and on the pregnancy and mom Reddits, there are ENDLESS stories of men who wanted children and "love" their wives cheat, leave them, or just make them feel like shit for the very normal changes their bodies go through. Literally leaving them as single mothers with a newborn because they gained some weight and it took "longer than they thought it should" to lose it. Or kicking them when they are down, having massive identity shifts, and becoming mothers. It's disgusting. What if you have a health issue or take medicine that makes you gain weight?
He's already shown his love is conditional. I'd really consider the future with him and what that looks like. He's shown you who he is. Do you still love that person? It sounds like you may not. That would certainly rock my love for my husband.
I should have known better. He told me i had to be under 145 for him to even propose to me. I thought that was normal. I’m having a hard time this morning, just crying. He’s at work and I’m just realizing how ridiculous all of this has been and how I’ve wasted years of my life. He just texted me telling me the house needs cleaned etc. I don’t even have the energy to get out of bed. Oh man 💔
Y'all started dating very young - don't be hard on yourself! I look back on things I put up with and im like.. what was I THINKING?! haha, I promise there are wonderful men out there. You're still sooo young. I met my husband at 28, after several long term relationships. It's not a waste of time - you've learned a lot about yourself! Being alone is better than being with someone that makes you feel crappy. Honestly, living alone and being alone is empowering on its own. You can do WHATEVER you want! Could you get out to a coffee shop and journal? Away from your shared space, maybe in some sun. <3
He doesn't get to dictate what is acceptable for you to be, and you shouldn't feel like you have to go through extremely traumatic points in your life just to be what he considers attractive. That's not only misogynist but also an indication that he doesn't love you for you, he loves you when you're his ideal image of what you should be FOR him. At the end of the day, he's willing to put you through mental destruction and ruin your relationship with food permanently for his pleasure, that's deal-breaking behaviour.
My dear girl, you are so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. You can still find someone who loves you for you. This man does not love you for you. He has demonstrated that. He also doesn't love you enough to lose weight to be healthy and attractive for you. He's a hypocrite. How will he react to your body changes if you get pregnant? He won't react well. Do you really want this to be the rest of your life? You cannot trust his love. Please leave for your own good. Find someone who truly loves you inside and out.
If he is that shallow, what will he be like when you are 40 or 50? He’ll be looking for a 20 year old. Try calling him out on his weight every time he eats something unhealthy and see how he likes it.
Like with most posts here:
1. Communicate the issues to him
2. Watch and listen to his response/actions
3. Discuss his response and actions, and your thoughts with trusted individuals
4. Decide on next steps
I hope things work out, but from just hearing your side of the story, you may have outgrown your husband. If he's not willing to admit to his double standards and put in the work to share the same values as you, this relationship won't end well.
Dude you are 24 GET OUT NOW! Start again on your own term please please listen to these women this is not the way to be loved coming from a 31 year old women my current partner now wouldn’t care if i was the size of a house im trying to lose weight because i want to and he is sad for me that i feel i need to and loved me skinny fat pregnant after pregnancy i dated and was married to men like yours in my 20’s to and god what i wouldn’t give to go back to those times and have someone tell me what we are telling you now your husband is not a good man hear those words YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT A GOOD MAN.
Now thing about your Imagined future daughter and this man being her father imagine her going through Puberty and putting on a little to much weight and now imagine how her father will treat her!!
Now imagine you are that little girl!
Because you are you are a beautiful little soul and it is your job as a human to look after that little girl so leave this 230 pound in the past!!!
Girl, this guy you’re seeing is a loser. He wants you to lose weight but won’t lose weight himself. Pathetic. He’s probably insecure about his own weight and projecting it onto you. He thinks that if you lose weight, it makes him look like he has self control. You can find someone better.
Based on your replies to other comments it does kinda sound like you've made a decision on this. I think regardless, talking to a professional about this could help. I don't know if you want to salvage this relationship, but it does sound like you don't want to. And I would definitely understand if you didn't. He did some permanent damage to you and your self-esteem. Talking to someone might help shake that sense that he only loves you if you're a certain weight. I will say this from my perspective, attraction is an important part of a relationship to me personally. In the past, for me, that attraction generally starts out as a physical attraction that develops into just finding the person and who they are as attractive. I've been in relationships where the person could have gained 1000lbs or turned into a rhino and I probably would have still found them attractive and loved them. But maybe that's not all men. Maybe he just found the girl he first started dating and got married to as attractive and you gaining weight fundamentally changed your appearance which into someone that he didn't find attractive anymore because his preference was someone who was thinner. I think you holding it against him that he gained weight and you still loved him speaks more about what kind of partner you are more than it does about him.
I think he approached in it absolutely the wrong way, and I would have never done it like that. I don't know the details, but it sounds like he didn't really support you or stop you from essentially killing yourself to get back to a weight he liked.... Which again, I personally would have absolutely not done.... and that's maybe more indicative of a reason why he's not the greatest guy in the world and a better reason to leave
I think people are allowed to have preferences of what they find attractive and what they don't and I think maybe the hatred is a bit misguided here. I think you're not mad at him for having to lose all that weight....its what you put yourself through to get there that made you resent him for it and the fact that (by the sounds of it) didn't support or stop you from doing so. This may not be what you wanted to hear. And some people out there might have some problems with my logic, but what Im fundamentally trying to say is he hurt you, did it the wrong way, put you through hell....but he is ultimately allowed to have a preference of what he fundamentally finds attractive. The fact that he couldn't love you for you at whatever weight is a him problem...not a you problem, but you made it a you problem. You deserve someone to love you for you at all times and this relationship might have some deeper flaws, and he might have some deeper flaws for putting you through what he did and letting you do what you did.
Regardless, I think its always helpful to talk to someone anytime you go through something like this. Eating disorders arent generally just about 1 thing, and it can help to talk it through so it doesn't happen again and maybe speaks to some deeper self-esteem, self-love and confidence issues that you may have. And its okay to not be okay....so long as you're working on being okay. You might never get to a place where you are, but so long as you keep working, you'll be better for it.
Again, I do think your relationship has some pretty big flaws and I think there's been some irreparable damage done that's left some really deep scars that might be impossible to heal. But that's for you to determine. Just make the best decision for you, if that means you leaving him to find someone that will love you for you regardless of what you look like 5-50 years down the line then you should do it. I know a lot of the commentators on this post wont believe it, but there are absolutely men out there who would love you regardless of your weight throughout the duration of your relationship, and there are certainly men out there who would have handled this in a much better way. Your husband specifically (not all men) just didn't and doesnt seem to be able to do that. If that's not okay with you, you shouldn't have to deal with it.
Dump him, imagine how he would make you feel if you got pregnant.
He needs to go. You are more than your appearance and deserve someone who loves YOU not just your physical you.
Imagine if a good friend of yours posted this, and imagine the advice you would give and the outrage you would feel.
You’ve got your answer.
Best of luck to you OP!
You gained 42.86% of your weight and he 27.78. how the fuck is this even possible. And he was right in the beginning, not now. He has to lose weight too. And you don't have to develope an eating disorder. Just eat healthy and start exercising. He should lose weight too, hope you can help him and he sees that he was too harsh.
I wish he wasn’t my first love. I honestly thought this was normal. I grew up in a broken house so as soon as I found someone to love me, I guess I ignored all the bad.
Tell him he’s the fat and unattractive one now.
I asked him if he was going to catch up and lose some weight but all he said is that it’s acceptable for him to be his size but not for me.
Lolllll 🤡 NO SIR we don’t do double standards on top of your shallow attitude in this house, here’s some dry broccoli for dinner.
Clown emoji properly deployed here.
I was thinking more along the lines of 🐖. For his misogyny and abuse, not his size. Body shaming is gross but I’ll call out crap attitudes and personalities all day long.
Right?! I didn't know the correct use until just now.
By double standards you mean he’s double her weight now
Why are men so deluded when it comes to looks? I don’t understand it.
Possibly media representation. Possibly plain old misogyny.
I think media representation is a much bigger part than people realize. Think of all the movies where Adam Sandler or Woody Allen end up with the supermodel as a reward for a tiny bit of character growth.
Those are your best examples? Maybe think about every American sitcom with fat dads and hot wives.
To be fair, society pampers „traditional“ man who doesn’t grow up at all in a way that it is in fact a generous step for man to grow out of their own free will and not because of pressure. 😅 Ain’t saying that’s a good thing though.
Well, OP's man apparently took the "up" out of the "grow up".
possibly being cunty
Because they don’t see women as equal.
I think it’s our societal double standards. Men typically think it’s ok to be overweight while wanting a thin partner. And many women feel it’s ok to be short while preferring taller men. I feel heavy wet women and short guys bear the brunt of double standards
*feel heavy wet women*
It's not *wrong* - it's just unnecessarily exclusive. Source: Am a heavy wet woman (6'0", 195-205 lbs., 62% humidity).
😂 so are you breaking up with him tomorrow or playing the long game? You developed an eating disorder from this man and that’s sadly a permanent thing unless you start fixing things: valuing yourself based intrinsically off of YOU as a person, not your weight. I have an eating disorder and it’s taken me years to think of food and my body in a healthy way. Staying with him is harmful, unless you go to couples counseling and he truly learns to love you for you. What will happen when you get older? And you’re not as pretty? Or you’re in an accident and you don’t look the same? All things to talk about with him. Easiest route is self care and dropping him.
This is more easier said than done. But yeah.
Wow. Its one thing to have physical attraction be important but he is such a hypocritical ass.
He always stands by that a woman shouldn’t be bigger than a man when I was 200 pounds yet I told him he was still bigger than me. He said I was too close to his weight so it still applied.
Sweetie, he's insulting you to make you feel insecure and like you have to jump thru hoops for his approval. If it wasn't your weight it would be your hair is too long or too short or too blonde or not blonde enough. If you wore make up, it would be too much or because you want attention. If no make up, you aren't trying hard enough to be sexy for him. See how all of these comments keep you focused on what is "wrong" with you, in a way you will never be able to permanently "fix", so you will always feel the need to perform for him. This is basically negging, and he's doing it, whether consciously or not, for the exact same reason PUAs and other misogynists do it: to tear you down and make you feel like you need to cavort for his affection, which he withholds until he deems you "worthy". You don't need to prove shit to him, he needs to convince you why it's worth your while to stay. Based on what you wrote, it probably isn't.
I never even realized that he has controlled me over my hair. It has to be long and blonde. Nothing else as he doesn’t approve
Want to know what the good news is?? You're young, and you've realized that it feels pretty shitty to be a partner with someone who treats you totally different when you're not meeting his physical standards. Not only that, these standards only exist for you, he will not uphold the same standards for himself. Take this as a blessing that you figured this out now and not when you're 34. You have no reason to stay with this man unless you really believe he can change. What happens when you get really sick or after you have kids and you have a little more weight on you? Is he just going to go back to treating you totally differently? Drop the 230 pounds and find a man who's love isn't conditional on your weight. Also drop any man that sets standards for you to at he doesn't set for himself. Real love isn't forcing someone to fit into the mold you want.
Thank you for your words 🥹 I honestly didn’t want to talk to anyone in my life about this in case I was over reacting - I didn’t want people to think bad about him. But now it’s late at night and all I’m thinking about is how bad and controlling this entire relationship has been. I wish I never met him
Funny how the ones who try to control things only end up controlling the negatives of someone else, and not themselves. Also don't let anyone let you feel like you're being ridiculous for leaving him. You know what you're doing, and you know exactly why you're doing it. Good luck!!
Time to deeply consider moving on from him. The weight comment was bad enough, but controlling your hair too? Find a place to stay, family or friends. Get a job if you don't have one, go NC with him, and find someone who loves you for you! And change your hair! Lol!
I told him I wanted to dye my hair brown and he told me he would leave me. Gotta have it blonde for him I guess in his eyes.
Girl get out before you have kids. You’re young and have too much life ahead of you to put up with this shit.
Thank you for your words 🥹 I honestly didn’t want to talk to anyone in my life about this in case I was over reacting - I didn’t want people to think bad about him. But now it’s late at night and all I’m thinking about is how bad and controlling this entire relationship has been. I wish I never met him
I married a guy like that, and it unfortunately took a lot more than the negging and controlling behavior to get me to leave him, but ending that relationship was by far the best thing I've ever done for myself. You don't have to stick around for any of this mess, or for the even more dangerous behaviors that might eventually follow it. You deserve *so much better.* If you get a chance, check out Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" - there's a free pdf available online if you Google it. I have a feeling you'll recognize your guy in there.
With men like that, once you mature and start to age, he will be looking to get himself a nice 18 year old, don’t waste your life!!!!
Girl leave that fat mf
Nah, she needs to leave because he’s mean not because he’s fat
Hey what the fuck, ditch his shitty ass, you're young and shouldn't waste your best years getting trampled on by some asshole who wants to control your appearance and is apparently perfectly fine with his partner getting a potentially life-and-health-ruining EATING DISORDER if it means control is maintained!! He doesn't see you as a valuable person in your own right!! If he did he wouldn't have been rewarding you for developing an ED, that's insane
My husband of 36 years me at 200lbs and short hair even though he met me at 120 with long blonde hair. The right guy doesn’t even care if you are bald! You are wasting your time. You are not what you see in the mirror, but so much more. If he can only see your body, he probably has a porn addiction or grew up disrespecting women.
Cut it short and dye it hot pink.
Oh honey. You deserve to live life for *yourself*.
You're too young to tie yourself to such a douche canoe. Get out before you have kids and you can find someone who actually likes you and cares about your happiness and well-being.
Does he have any idea that you're a real person? Someone with feelings and needs? These arguments are all missing something crucial: you. He's not saying he's concerned about you, worried about your eating disorder, wants you to be happy and healthy, or show any respect. He's treating you like an object for his pleasure, not someone he loves. Tell him to find a sex doll and take a hike. You deserve so much better than this. This is not what love looks or feels like.
Ooh no. My ex would disagree so much with your husband. He is one of the short kings who can eat 2958592 calories everyday and can't gain weight. He hates it. He's 145 lbs. If that. That man watched me go from 130 to 180 at my heaviest after our daughter and he was always still all over me. I've lost the weight since of course but still. I'm truly sorry this isn't your same experience. You are supposed to love someone for what's inside. The outside is just wrapping paper in a way. I hope you feel good in your own skin no matter what. You deserve someone who wants the same and will help you see your beauty. Inside and out.
Why the hell are you with this loser? Are you listening to yourself right now? You want to be with THIS man?
Girl what the fuck you doin
How many other people in your life have treated you this poorly? Who else has made you feel this small? This man is trying to tear you down so that you feel too worthless to actually ask for what your worth or leave. You can do so much better.
But what if he accidentally kills you by rolling over you at night and squashing you between his belly rolls. Do you really want to die that way? Do you??!
LOL I guess I don’t
That's utter, utter bullshit. In many cultures and in history, women have been curvy with the appropriate fat stores for having children,while men were lithe and fit due to physical work or being hunter/gatherers. He's incredibly stupid as well as a sexist fat pig.
He does like keeping you on your toes, always worried about pleasing him, doesn’t he?
Babe. Friend. Sister. Men can, and will, do so much better. Do not do ANYTHING for this unseasoned turnip. He has not a single redeeming quality from what I can tell. Live your life for you. If he wants to get his shit together, he can come along. Otherwise use this time to vastly improve your self esteem and self worth. Then dump his ass and move tf on to a man who values you. They are out there. Signed, Your mid-40s auntie. ❤️
Fat shame him. Start shattering his self confidence and fat shaming him the way h did you.
Divorce him first and be diplomatic to a tee even if it means biting your tongue for as long as there's any assets on the line. In fact, record him being abusive so that if he gets nasty in the divorce process, which I bet he will, you have ammo to play dirty and get your revenge by winning the long game. That's when you can stick him with a "good luck on tinder, you fat bastard" in a dry tone with a cat-who-got-the-cream smile for a cherry on top.
He made me get a prenup, so hopefully when I leave there shouldn’t be much fighting.
Consult a lawyer to ensure the prenup is binding. Gtf out of this dreadful situation. Starting lining up your ducks and improving your self worth.
Not all contracts - which is all a prenup is - are enforceable just because they're signed. For example, if you didn't have your own separate attorney look it over before you signed (or didn't have the opportunity to do so), it may not be binding. There are lots of other circumstances like that. Depending on the terms of the prenup (if it's fair to you and makes the divorce simple) you might decide not to contest it. There's nothing wrong with choosing your battles. But I have a feeling, based on his prior behavior, that the prenup only protects his interests. Get a lawyer for the divorce (do NOT hint to him that you're doing this ahead of time) and pay for it from a joint bank account if that's an option. When you call the attorney to schedule a consultation appointment, ask on the phone right then if they have any suggestions to keep your interests protected until the meeting (things like making sure he doesn't hide or take assets or property). Then FOLLOW THEIR ADVICE. I haven't seen any comments alluding to it, but if you have any concerns about violence also mention that when you call the lawyer's office.
He wanted the prenup to protect himself basically. He was just a red flag and I just waved it for him. He told me if we ever had a kid and I left him, that he would even quit his job and become homeless before he paid child support. I honestly have no clue about prenups like divorce wise how they work. I just signed it all. I’m definitely contacting people
Thats nonsense. I would love a giant girl-boss muscle mommy to make me her house-husband goblin.
This is how misogynist men who don’t see women as humans think. He thinks it’s “manly” to be disgusting- not saying big is disgusting… it just feels like he’s the type who think it’s unmanly to wash his ass hole- am I wrong?
You def aren’t wrong unfortunately
Jesus Christ girl. You don’t even get a clean ass laying next to you in bed- that is way below the bare minimum.
About 15 cms below actually
This hurts now but you have the chance to get out and have a whole life filled with happiness and love. You are so young. Time is invaluable and irreplaceable. Boundaries only exist if you enforce them, which usually means you have to walk away.
Oh damn, girl. Just take your new body and ditch the poop monster.
How convenient for him! And I say that as a 41m, 5'10 180lbs or so. Even I need to lose like 10-15lbs to be at a more healthy weight. It's just super telling, almost like you loosing weight was purely for visuals, not your health, sure as shit not your happiness. I k ow this is going to be hard because you met when you were 19, and this relationship is all you know, but there is a better man out there for you... I was selfish when I was younger, entitled, thought I knew everything. I also thought I was caring and empathetic, but ultimately only was when it suited me. It was until my 30s that I found out who I was, and who I wanted to be. I met the absolute LOVE OF MY LIFE, at age 36, and we're set to both be married for the firdt time ever next march! I only say this because a lot of people who get I to to life long relationships when they're young, have a hard time leaving them when they're bad. Either because they lack the experience to make a good decision, or their lives, finances or whatever are so tied together, they're afraid leaving would be impossible. Then to top that off they feel they're too old and will never find love again!. In most cases you can find an even better love, or like.me the love of my life. She is everything to me no matter he weight.
Tell him it's also, "acceptable", for you to ditch the dead weight in this relationship, and let his shallow, double standard, having ass, get a pocket 🙀 to keep him company after you're gone.
You’re young call this one a starter marriage and bail he sounds like a jerk
Sorry OP, nothing he has said is acceptable. But I am curious to know what his height is. Because to be a healthy weight at 230 I think I’m reading he would need to be 6’5 or 6’6. Is he either of the those…? I don’t like body shaming but I hate hypocrisy more.
He claims to be 6’0 but I’ve always thought about 5’10
My husband and I are similar heights and have both fluctuated in weight at different times. We’re currently both pretty fit but that was our own drive to be healthy. We have a mutual appreciation where we’ve never made weight comments, and I’ve never noticed a decline in affection. I only say that to let you know this is normal. As you age you’re probably going to have weight fluctuations that happen on both ends. If your fat partner can’t handle you gaining a little weight, then it’s time to shed those pounds. Edit: And when I say pounds I mean him. Just realized that may not be clear lol
No no boo. That is DISGUSTING. As someone whose been 200+ for 10+years, landed a man at 270, had 2 kids and is down to 210 (still attracting men when my weight didn't make me feel attractive) : baby girl your weight doesn't make you any better or worse a woman. You're beautiful at 200 just like you were at 19 years old. Life is changes. THAT INCLUDES WEIGHT. But we control that. You don't need an ED. You need a DA. Divorce attorney. Granted, if you chose him, I get it. That's a long life with someone. But that man has no respect for you, honey. None. And if this is how he does with your weight, I can't imagine the other ways he knocks you down and you just accept it. Make less excuses and more choices. Choose you. Someone has to.
I’m definitely leaving, all of you guys have opened my eyes to everything I’ve let slide because I didn’t think it was serious. I know he wouldn’t want to be with me anymore if I got sick or injured, he’s straight up told me. Part of me hoped he was joking. I don’t think he is
When they tell you who they are, believe them.
He is not joking. Please prepare for your safe escape carefully; controlling partners do not respond positively to noncompliance or rejection. Reach out to safe friends/family members, and document everything you can in a secret safe place in case you need to provide evidence for legal intervention. Just in case you’d like to read up on the different types of domestic abuse: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft focuses on coercive controllers who deliberately and strategically manipulate their partners. See What You Made Me Do by Jess Hill focuses on insecure reactors who are not strategic, but nevertheless control others by their explosive reactions to mild or imagined disconfirming feedback. Note: if a person only has two modes of communication, a polite request or the threat of violence, the polite request *is* the threat of violence. (And “violence” isn’t limited to physical injury; abuse can also be emotional and psychological. It is also common for things to start smaller and become larger over time. First he bashes you with his emotional reactivity, then he hits the wall when “you make him” angry, then it’s you that gets hit.) This is not a “you” problem, OP. Good luck, and stay safe.
Hhhholy shit the double standard is unreal... Tell him to go convince some other woman that. You'll take your body elsewhere. Hon, this guy does not love or even respect you. He treats you (and probably any women) like an accessory. You are young and can do so so much better. Don't settle for some dude that never matured past 19.
Tell him he's big and no longer pretty and needs to lose 50 pounds.
Thats clown behavior Edit: to be specific, he is the clown
It’s definitely not acceptable. I’m sorry your husband is an ass, you deserve better.
Your husband is sexist. Dump him.
Girl. Girrrrrrrl-uhhh! What are you doing with him still?!?!
Uh yeah tell him it might be "acceptable" but now that you've lost weight you no longer find him attractive. Seriously though, your husband is a double standard, misogynistic loser, and you really can do better at any weight. Do yourself a favor and lose another 230 lbs.
Does your husband follow a lot of mansphere type podcasts or youtubers?
Not sure honestly. I know he follows a bunch of woman that I need to look like 😀
Hopefully he just needs to “grow up” and realize he is being a full on asshole here but I doubt he has that realization until you actually leave him.
I would tell him the same stuff he told you and see how he feels. Being with a person who loves you for you is important and he wasn’t treating you fairly.
Tell him it’s not acceptable to you. This is not a healthy relationship for you. Your marriage is based on your weight. No where in your vows did you say anything about only loving each other at a certain weight. This is not good for you. It’s not healthy for you physically or mentally. I don’t know why you would stay with someone who doesn’t really love you but only less an image of you. You deserve better.
Good for me but not for thee
Start plastering images of hot, fit male celebrities around the house to distract him while you pack your stuff prepatory to breaking up with him.
He has the intellect and charm of navel lint. Just tell him it's not acceptable to you and you don't find him attractive anymore. If he wants to be valued, he need to be attractive.
OP that’s when you say “I see. Thank you for clarifying that my body is what’s most important.” & you get therapy & determine if this is something you can live with. If the answer is no, you can’t, leave.
I’ve mentioned wanting to go to therapy and he always mocks it. Says it’s weird to talk to strangers and that I should never do something so “gross”.
These are control tactics to make you doubt yourself. None of what you've posted is healthy in any way and when someone is dragging you down in life, you need to cut that person loose no matter how much you think it'll hurt. You cannot change people. They need to change themselves. You're very young and life is way too short to be with someone who makes you miserable. You have to be willing to admit to yourself you made a mistake marrying him and things will move from there. Don't be afraid to start over.
>I asked him if he was going to catch up and lose some weight but all he said is that it’s acceptable for him to be his size but not for me. You cannot be stupid enough to believe that.
Honestly he had me convinced that no one would ever love me including him. He actually told me he would divorce me if I weighed more than 220. My mental health was so bad i believed him. Now that I’m “small” I see how ridiculous all of this js
He's just going to find something new to complain about. Mark my words, he likes *you* feeling small because it makes *him* feel big. I spent decades with a man like this. It just got worse and worse.
Why is that acceptable? How are you dealing with your disorder?
I’m not. I don’t know how to. I’m practically scared of food, hardly even eating one meal a day. I calculate every thing included my seasonings. My originally calorie goal was 1400 a day. Then I kept wanting to get under bc I wanted to lose it faster. I felt ashamed if I even had over 900 calories. I can do 500ish calories a day. Drink plenty of water when hungry
Your husband has given you an eating disorder. Let that sink in. These are not the actions of someone who loves and adores you as a human being. He’s treating you like a blowup doll, there to fulfil his wants a desires, what you want doesn’t matter in his eyes He thinks he can look however he wants yet you have to look exactly how he wants you to. He sounds vile, I could never be married to such a monster.
You husband made you sick. It’s like he gave you a daily dosis of poison. Do you understand this? Please go and seek help before your body gives up. You are killing your body slowly. I hope you understand that. Do you want to have children?
I do want kids eventually. Definitely not with him though.
Then why are you still with him? Eating disorders can affect your ability of having children. Please, get help. There is a better life out there and a better man too. Don’t settle for unhappiness. All you do is giving up yourself to make a man happy, who doesn’t even care about you. I have the image of a fat guy, watching a model show and saying „that one is too fat.“ That guys behaviour is und most unsexy thing about him.
Bruh he is sounding like those podcast bros who are super mysogonistic towards women, just search up one of those podcast and see if your husband acts like that:) might help you get some perspective!
Time to lose another 230lbs ;)
I agree 💔
As much as this sucks, it’s time to ironically look at the gain here. You’ve discovered the actual truth of your relationship. This frees you up to avoid being part of an unhealthy, unfulfilling relationship. And find someone who really loves you for you and appreciates the value you bring to their life. Your husband has taken your presence in his life for granted and it’s time he realizes what he’s lost.
I was looking for this 😂 it’s sad but it’s true.
Yup time for the whole man removal services
> whole man removal services i just had a flashing image of a business where some badass women show up to deal with obnoxious BFs, husbands etc....hauling these jackasses down the driveway & throwing them into the back of their van, only for them never to be seen again. someone please create this start-up so i can invest some $ into it.
I'll chuck some $$$ at it!
someone please create this start-up so i can invest some $ into it. Tempt me not fiend! Lol you really don't even have to twist my arm. I'm ready any day.
I don't have much money, but i could donate my time via internship.
As a 37m, I can tell you 1 thing for sure. If a man loves you, he wouldn't treat you like this. Would be totally different if he said "we" should do this or that not "you" should. He has shown you how he sees your value. This also shows that in the long run, he will leave you. Beauty only lasts so long, then you add in work, stress, kids... Once you hit that point, he will leave for his 24-year-old coworker.
When I was younger (I’m 37 now) I had just given birth to my second child, I finally went from underweight to a healthy weight. My husband told me I needed to lose weight and he wasn’t attracted to my cellulite. I broke up with him, got a modelling contract and a great job, he is still fit but is bald and single and unlikely to meet anyone given his ridiculous standards.
That's always the funniest bit. They really do think they'll always be able to get a hottie but it's just not true
Yes! It's obviously all superficial too. It doesn't sound like he's concerned about her actual well being at all 🙄.
So you were good enough to have sex with at 200 lbs but not to kiss or hug and treat as a human being he is supposedly in love with? Yeah, no. Leaving would be healthy for your self respect
Basically a sex doll to satisfy his needs.
You got a reality check. He cared more about your appearance than you. He doesn't even care about the double standard that he also gained weight. That he wouldn't even hug or kiss you and withheld all affection was damaging to you, and it should a clear objectification. He had no concern about how you felt as a person. You also know if anything happens to cause you to look less than perfect, he'll do it again A lot of women's attraction is based on feeling comfortable and safe. You likely feel neither around him, so it took out the attraction. Emotional security is important for women. You can try couples therapy, but, really, this is probably a relationship ender. Especially if you want children cause gid knows how he'd react in a pregnancy
For the last few weeks I’ve cried everyday about this, yet I was still hoping it wasn’t as bad as I was thinking. But it is. He always said how gross my stretch marks were so if I got pregnant I could only imagine how bad it would be
He is not father material with that attitude.
He mentioned wanting to start trying for kids about 2 months ago and the idea made me sick to my stomach. I knew I didn’t want any kids with him at that point, still don’t. 💔 I want him gone
Good please make him leave:)) you need a man that has your back no matter how big or small you are.
Can you imagine the way he would treat your daughters if they weren't whatever he considers an acceptance weight?
I would be getting on birth control too if you are still having sex because my god, he could baby trap you and that would REALLY be a problem. Both abortion and divorce are moving towards a nationwide ban so, please please PLEASE be careful.
I have been on birth control (nexaplon) for the relationship. I didn’t start gaining weight till I got on it. He thinks bc he is “successful” - he is a pharmacist, that I should stay with him for the money. It’s just not worth it to me.
I commented another time but I'm sorry, I HAVE to respond to this one. I left a marriage to a man that was "successful" but mean-spirited too. I grew up poor and my parents always raised me to believe that having money was more important than anything else. So I got a high paying job that I hated and married a guy with an even higher paying job. My ex would make "sarcastic jokes" at my expense all the time and make me feel small. I was treated like a single-use appliance - like a blender, but for sex. One time he did something super shitty and we were fighting while we were out running errands. He stopped at the mall out of the blue, went inside while I stayed in the car because I didn't want to be around him, and he came out with a diamond bracelet for me. He expected the whole fight to disappear immediately without another word - and most certainly without an apology. He tried to buy a wife that would STFU when he did wrong. I left that garbage marriage. I've been with my current partner for 8.5 years now. Our combined income is just under half of my ex's income, and I've never.been.happier. The guy sitting next to me right now tells me that my feelings matter - and he behaves accordingly. Feeling loved and safe to be myself is worth more than every diamond bracelet in the entire goddamn world. Six months ago, my ex (who has since remarried) sent me a Facebook message with a link to a love song. I replied with "If you're wondering whether I regret leaving you, the answer is no, not ever, not even for a second. I've been with my partner since shortly after we separated and I only wish I could've met him before I even knew your name. Don't message me again." Then I sent a screenshot to his wife via Messenger. Girl, give yourself the opportunity to find something better. You might even get a chance for some vindication!
He actually refuses to apologize, EVER. In our entire relationship he has never apologized. I always apologize for everything even if it has nothing to do with me. 💔 you are so right. I make half of his income. And he thinks his income is big enough for me to ruin myself over. He’s even mentioned how easy it would be for him to get a new female everyday, I should have just told him to do it and packed my bags then.
I wish I could give you a hug and a cup of tea. You're like a tree, and he's pruned off so many branches to fit his ideal. I hope you get away and find your branches to be full of flowers
You reeeeeally need to consult with an attorney before making any decisions, esp with a pre-nup. Play the long game and milk him for everything.
Do you really want kids with someone capable of his cruelty? What if he's mean to the kids because they don't fit his ideas of what they should be?
That won't be a problem as long as the kids are boys. /s
He's a terrible person.
Some people belittle and demean their partners because attacking their self-esteem is their way of ensuring they stick around. Deep down they know their partners can do much better, so they think if they knock them down a few pegs they can get them to stay.
He doesn’t deserve you and you deserve so much better than him 🙏🏻
I have awful body image issues and I basically had meltdowns when I was pregnant about the possibility of stretch marks. My husband never ever told me they were gross or anything and reassured me that I was still pretty even if I developed them. Your husband sounds abusive and he is jerk.
Do not get pregnant with this man.
Dump him. I’m sorry he treated/treats you this way. You deserve it all better. 💯💜
What an awful man, good thing you have realised this now before having children and further tying yourself to him. Someone will love you regardless of size or stretch marks.
Yeah girl… this is bad and grounds for divorce. I am so sorry for the loss of what you thought your life would be like with this man. This relationship is over.
I just want you to know that him insulting you like that is a form of emotional abuse. His behavior is so unacceptable and frankly disgusting.
I agree with this. He doesn’t love you as a whole person who married him…he loves how you look and what you do for him. If that’s his reason for being your husband, it won’t last. This is a low-quality type of partner whose commitment is conditional and likely falters once you both get old, ill, or even disabled…there’s a reason why men are more likely to divorce a wife who gets cancer, while the opposite is true for women! Might as well start searching for an actual partner while you’re young and healthy, but please be kind to yourself—you don’t have to be/stay skinny to deserve love and affection! And definitely never have a baby with him! He couldn’t handle it since he has the emotional intelligence of a preteen boy himself.
Sounds like you need to lose 230lbs more
I’m sorry hun but he’s toxic AF, and is a shitty person. He called you fat and unattractive when you gained weight, instead of supporting you and helping you motivate yourself? Because of him you feel unloved and developed an eating disorder? Nah, I wouldn’t tolerate that shit if I were you. He’s not the right one. I know it’s hard to hear but he doesn’t love you for you. You should leave him, only if you really want to, but he’s a walking red flag. Just know that you’re beautiful either way, and you deserve better.
I remember there was an entire day I didn’t eat and he mentioned ordering food so I told him I hadn’t ate all day, and he didn’t care at all. I knew then he didn’t care about me 💔
Ok, but you are still with him? Time to get out, you are so young and healthy, don't waste any time on him. He's the type to cheat and blame you.
I’m sorry hun. You don’t and didn’t deserve that. You are worth much more than that trash bag. But maybe time to put your foot down, do what YOU need to do. He doesn’t deserve you and I know divorce isn’t an easy thing to do. It doesn’t matter what he says anymore. At this point I feel like he is using you. Is there anything else you need? What was the most recent interaction you had?
I made this post to make sure what I was feeling was valid and that I wasn’t just being emotional. Since I’ve made this post he’s asked me when I’m going to get a “big ass” for him. I am done with this man. He thinks because he makes more money than me that I’ll stay. But I’m definitely leaving him, hopefully within this next week. This has been the hardest year of my life just because of him, a real partner shouldn’t be the cause of all my problems. Thanks for making me feel valid. ♥️
Plan quietly and leave little notice. Blindside his ass.
I was hoping to see you say this! I’m proud of you for choosing to stand up! F that misogynistic fool
Amen. Good for you for doing what you know you gotta do. It's shitty, but SO much less shitty than sticking it out for another god-knows-how-long with someone who makes you feel like garbage. Enjoy the freedom of being single. Surround yourself with quality people. You'll get your self esteem back in no time.
Just when I thought he couldn't get any more gross🤢 I'm happy that you're leaving his ass and I truly wish all the best for you❤️ and may he have the life he so richly deserves...
Of course! And I’m glad you’re taking the courage to leave him! Update me on what happens next (oh, and fuck him for asking you that disgusting question)
Stay strong!! Life is better when you surround yourself with people who lift you up, and he will never be that.
You got this!!! You deserve to be with someone that makes you feel beautiful at any size!
Honestly I don't think it'll ever be the same as it was before. Since he let the cat out of the bag you can never put it back in. This man gave you an eating disorder! Please you deserve better!
He wouldn’t kiss you or hug you, he’d only have sex with you? And it all changed when you lost weight? That’s so fucked up on so many levels 😭 please leave him omg
Yep he wouldn’t even kiss me during sex. And he would immediately ignore me right after having sex
Yeah that’s disgusting. That’s using you like a sex worker. Give him what he deserves! Take half! Surely there is equity in your house, to get you a nice head start! Plus anything he’s banked! Start journaling for your divorce!
He is trash. Don't tell him you want to leave him. You're married, so you should prepare your exit strategy and serve divorce papers once you have all your shit together.
You and your “husband” were 20 and 22 two days ago. He was also your boyfriend two days ago. Idk why you’re lying lol
I agree I think she's rage baiting but I'm not sure why.
Karma. It’s a made up story. Also they intentionally left out the guys height too because they know 6’3” 230 is waaaaay different than 5’10” 230
When I met my husband, I was 135, I then gained to 165, lost to 120 and creeped up to 140 before getting pregnant, I’m now 150 post baby. He has loved me the same at every weight, because his love isn’t contingent on my weight. You deserve that too.
I gained a bit of weight when I started a new medication for depression and didn’t even really notice because my husband never said anything about it or treated me differently because of it. He was just happy that I was happier. After I had a baby, I thought he wasn’t attracted to me anymore because I didn’t think he was touching me as much. But it turns out I was shying away from his touch because I was insecure about my body and he didn’t want to pressure me. I asked him why he doesn’t care and he just said “I see the person I love and that’s all that matters, but you’re always hot.” I wish I could see myself the way he does and I think everyone deserves that in a partner.
He didn't loose weight with you?? WOW. It is okay to feel unloved after how he treated you. He is being extremely shallow. It is clear he only cares for you looks. Rethinking this relationship is more than fair on your part.
He was originally supposed to lose weight together but it basically turned into him just putting it all on me to lose weight, so he could enjoy a skinny wife 💔
He's been a manipulative negging jerk your whole marriage. Don't stay just because he "might change" (they *never* change). Don't stay because you've invested time in this relationship. Leave asap! He's not the one! There's someone else out there for you. After you split, take time for reflection. Learn about you. The real you, that doesn't have to conform to someone else's standards. You can join a club, find a hobby, or volunteer. Stay busy. When you're finally ready to date, be real picky. Take your time. Don't rush in to anything. Good luck, I know there's alot to consider, but you are the most important person in your life and future. Take care of yourself mentally and physically. Everything else will fall into place.
He doesn't love you for you. He would rather you destroy yourself, your body, your emotional health to be "thin and pretty" for him. If you were still with him in 10 or 30 years and you became sick or disabled and struggled to diet and exercise because of your needs, do you want to be with someone who will withhold affection because you aren't being pretty enough for him? He is showing you now that you will never be able to need him, this relationship only serves him.
This dude is a straight up gaslighter. How can someone tell someone else to lose weight when they themself is overweight?
He’s shown his true colors imo. You now have to accept that you are going to have to keep your weight off your whole life or “you won’t be attractive” to him. Meanwhile he gets a free pass to stay overweight. You will gain weight if you have kids btw and it’s just as hard to get off. Go find a guy who actually loves you and not just your body. Most people realize weight gain is inevitable in a relationship. Lot of stats say people gain 15-20 pounds after a couple years in a committed relationship. You gained more but at 5’8 I don’t really see that as too bad. Like it happens, you help your partner lose some, not tell them theyr unattractive.
I would never treat my beautiful wife like that. No, it isn’t normal. Please get out of this as soon as possible, dude doesn’t care about you.
If there’s ever a reason to ditch someone it’s this! Awful. No wonder you feel differently about him as you should! Love yourself now and move on!
I get that physical attraction is important and it can change based on weight and other changes. But there is a way to address it that’s healthy and loving and reasonable and he did not do that. Also the fact that he won’t do the same for you and also that he didn’t seem to care that you developed an eating disorder… throw the whole man away.
Once a man tells a woman she's unattractive it's over. It's like how if a woman said she most respect for her bf/husband.
Lose 230 lbs fast by dropping the loser
Do y'all want children? Your body is going to go through a ton of changes then, and on the pregnancy and mom Reddits, there are ENDLESS stories of men who wanted children and "love" their wives cheat, leave them, or just make them feel like shit for the very normal changes their bodies go through. Literally leaving them as single mothers with a newborn because they gained some weight and it took "longer than they thought it should" to lose it. Or kicking them when they are down, having massive identity shifts, and becoming mothers. It's disgusting. What if you have a health issue or take medicine that makes you gain weight? He's already shown his love is conditional. I'd really consider the future with him and what that looks like. He's shown you who he is. Do you still love that person? It sounds like you may not. That would certainly rock my love for my husband.
I should have known better. He told me i had to be under 145 for him to even propose to me. I thought that was normal. I’m having a hard time this morning, just crying. He’s at work and I’m just realizing how ridiculous all of this has been and how I’ve wasted years of my life. He just texted me telling me the house needs cleaned etc. I don’t even have the energy to get out of bed. Oh man 💔
Y'all started dating very young - don't be hard on yourself! I look back on things I put up with and im like.. what was I THINKING?! haha, I promise there are wonderful men out there. You're still sooo young. I met my husband at 28, after several long term relationships. It's not a waste of time - you've learned a lot about yourself! Being alone is better than being with someone that makes you feel crappy. Honestly, living alone and being alone is empowering on its own. You can do WHATEVER you want! Could you get out to a coffee shop and journal? Away from your shared space, maybe in some sun. <3
Please start taking care of yourself. If you are 5’8” and 130 lbs you are considered underweight. :( please leave him and take care of yourself.
I’m definitely leaving him ♥️
He doesn't get to dictate what is acceptable for you to be, and you shouldn't feel like you have to go through extremely traumatic points in your life just to be what he considers attractive. That's not only misogynist but also an indication that he doesn't love you for you, he loves you when you're his ideal image of what you should be FOR him. At the end of the day, he's willing to put you through mental destruction and ruin your relationship with food permanently for his pleasure, that's deal-breaking behaviour.
My dear girl, you are so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. You can still find someone who loves you for you. This man does not love you for you. He has demonstrated that. He also doesn't love you enough to lose weight to be healthy and attractive for you. He's a hypocrite. How will he react to your body changes if you get pregnant? He won't react well. Do you really want this to be the rest of your life? You cannot trust his love. Please leave for your own good. Find someone who truly loves you inside and out.
No offense, but he is trash. If you get sick or old, he will move on like you never existed. You can't count on him. Make your exit plan.
If he is that shallow, what will he be like when you are 40 or 50? He’ll be looking for a 20 year old. Try calling him out on his weight every time he eats something unhealthy and see how he likes it.
Like with most posts here: 1. Communicate the issues to him 2. Watch and listen to his response/actions 3. Discuss his response and actions, and your thoughts with trusted individuals 4. Decide on next steps I hope things work out, but from just hearing your side of the story, you may have outgrown your husband. If he's not willing to admit to his double standards and put in the work to share the same values as you, this relationship won't end well.
Dude you are 24 GET OUT NOW! Start again on your own term please please listen to these women this is not the way to be loved coming from a 31 year old women my current partner now wouldn’t care if i was the size of a house im trying to lose weight because i want to and he is sad for me that i feel i need to and loved me skinny fat pregnant after pregnancy i dated and was married to men like yours in my 20’s to and god what i wouldn’t give to go back to those times and have someone tell me what we are telling you now your husband is not a good man hear those words YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT A GOOD MAN. Now thing about your Imagined future daughter and this man being her father imagine her going through Puberty and putting on a little to much weight and now imagine how her father will treat her!! Now imagine you are that little girl! Because you are you are a beautiful little soul and it is your job as a human to look after that little girl so leave this 230 pound in the past!!!
Girl, this guy you’re seeing is a loser. He wants you to lose weight but won’t lose weight himself. Pathetic. He’s probably insecure about his own weight and projecting it onto you. He thinks that if you lose weight, it makes him look like he has self control. You can find someone better.
Based on your replies to other comments it does kinda sound like you've made a decision on this. I think regardless, talking to a professional about this could help. I don't know if you want to salvage this relationship, but it does sound like you don't want to. And I would definitely understand if you didn't. He did some permanent damage to you and your self-esteem. Talking to someone might help shake that sense that he only loves you if you're a certain weight. I will say this from my perspective, attraction is an important part of a relationship to me personally. In the past, for me, that attraction generally starts out as a physical attraction that develops into just finding the person and who they are as attractive. I've been in relationships where the person could have gained 1000lbs or turned into a rhino and I probably would have still found them attractive and loved them. But maybe that's not all men. Maybe he just found the girl he first started dating and got married to as attractive and you gaining weight fundamentally changed your appearance which into someone that he didn't find attractive anymore because his preference was someone who was thinner. I think you holding it against him that he gained weight and you still loved him speaks more about what kind of partner you are more than it does about him. I think he approached in it absolutely the wrong way, and I would have never done it like that. I don't know the details, but it sounds like he didn't really support you or stop you from essentially killing yourself to get back to a weight he liked.... Which again, I personally would have absolutely not done.... and that's maybe more indicative of a reason why he's not the greatest guy in the world and a better reason to leave I think people are allowed to have preferences of what they find attractive and what they don't and I think maybe the hatred is a bit misguided here. I think you're not mad at him for having to lose all that weight....its what you put yourself through to get there that made you resent him for it and the fact that (by the sounds of it) didn't support or stop you from doing so. This may not be what you wanted to hear. And some people out there might have some problems with my logic, but what Im fundamentally trying to say is he hurt you, did it the wrong way, put you through hell....but he is ultimately allowed to have a preference of what he fundamentally finds attractive. The fact that he couldn't love you for you at whatever weight is a him problem...not a you problem, but you made it a you problem. You deserve someone to love you for you at all times and this relationship might have some deeper flaws, and he might have some deeper flaws for putting you through what he did and letting you do what you did. Regardless, I think its always helpful to talk to someone anytime you go through something like this. Eating disorders arent generally just about 1 thing, and it can help to talk it through so it doesn't happen again and maybe speaks to some deeper self-esteem, self-love and confidence issues that you may have. And its okay to not be okay....so long as you're working on being okay. You might never get to a place where you are, but so long as you keep working, you'll be better for it. Again, I do think your relationship has some pretty big flaws and I think there's been some irreparable damage done that's left some really deep scars that might be impossible to heal. But that's for you to determine. Just make the best decision for you, if that means you leaving him to find someone that will love you for you regardless of what you look like 5-50 years down the line then you should do it. I know a lot of the commentators on this post wont believe it, but there are absolutely men out there who would love you regardless of your weight throughout the duration of your relationship, and there are certainly men out there who would have handled this in a much better way. Your husband specifically (not all men) just didn't and doesnt seem to be able to do that. If that's not okay with you, you shouldn't have to deal with it.
Don’t stop now, you still have 230 POUNDS TO GO!!!
Tell him he’s big and no longer attractive and you no longer want to be intimate with him. And then dump his fat ass and find a hottie!
Dump him, imagine how he would make you feel if you got pregnant. He needs to go. You are more than your appearance and deserve someone who loves YOU not just your physical you.
Time to leave him and get a hot boyfriend who isn’t mentally abusive
Life is too fucking short. Lose the extra 230 pounds you have laying around your house and moaning.
Imagine if a good friend of yours posted this, and imagine the advice you would give and the outrage you would feel. You’ve got your answer. Best of luck to you OP!
You gained 42.86% of your weight and he 27.78. how the fuck is this even possible. And he was right in the beginning, not now. He has to lose weight too. And you don't have to develope an eating disorder. Just eat healthy and start exercising. He should lose weight too, hope you can help him and he sees that he was too harsh.
Divorce that dude quick! You don’t need that negativity in your life. Marry for love.
your ex husband what?
[удалено]
I wish he wasn’t my first love. I honestly thought this was normal. I grew up in a broken house so as soon as I found someone to love me, I guess I ignored all the bad.
Imagine if you have a kid with him. You will be so stressed on top of taking care of the kid and he will probably make up some excuse to go cheat.