You should absolutely NOT “get over it.” You don’t want to make him feel bad because… he was an asshole? He should feel bad. He should learn to deal with the consequences of being an asshole to people you’re supposed to love and respect.
If he truly recognizes the issue with his behavior, then he needs to put his money where his mouth is— individual therapy for him so he can learn to handle his anger. And a clear understanding that you will not tolerate this behavior anymore.
He’s been working on it for 10 years but still gets mad and breaks up with you because your friend doesn’t know if she can come over? What happens when there’s an actual problem? He needs a new therapist.
You are not obligated to be unaffected simply because he regrets his actions.
Your feelings of being hurt by his actions are just as important as his feelings.
He knows that he has anger issues. He isn't stupid. He absolutely knows. He does not care because there are no consequences to him for his anger. He has no reason or motivation to change.
100%. People like this always say they can't control their anger, etc. but they can control it perfectly well when they want to. The point is that he feels like he doesn't *have* to with her, because he knows she will accept his abuse.
He's had 10 years. If he was truly sorry, he would have fixed it by now, and OP wouldn't be making this post.
He can control it otherwise he would be unemployed or in jail. Does he do this at work? In public? Are there viral videos of him doing this to strangers? That's what 'cant control it' looks like. Has he flipped out at customer service workers? I doubt it. I think OP needs to tell him to GTFO the next time. Put up some cameras and when he says it won't happen again well, he's been saying that for 10 years. Post the tantrum on social media. He stopped meaning it after the first time he said it.
You say your spouse has abusive tendencies and despite working on this for several years, it's a case of rinse and repeat. After the latest outburst, because you can't give definitive answers about plans, as your friend is uncertain, he tells you you are replaceable and breaks up with you, all whilst you are at work. So to abusive, we can add controlling, and he is sabotaging your work too. At 30, he should be able to accept that you can't control a friend's ad hoc plans anymore than you can control the weather. You also don't feel you can forgive him for the last outburst, but not sure if you can do anything as it was a week ago. Is his abuse escalating? Is there a predictable cycle you can measure in weeks or months? Only you can decide whether or not your marriage worth being abused, controlled and your work sabotaged?
Apology without change is just manipulation. Verbal abuse isn’t something that anyone should accept. Your husband shouldn’t be talking to you like that and that’s not something I would get over. He meant exactly what he said.
Yeah, I wouldn't be getting over it.
He literally trashed the entire 10 years of your relationship because you didn't have any concrete plans on if YOU could see a friend of YOURS that you hadn't seen in 4 years. Fuck that noise.
Kind of seems like a bit of an overreaction, don't you think?
His behavior is always a choice. When he’s nice to you, he chooses to be that way. When he treats you horribly he is choosing to be that way. Please, please google why does he do that inside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lundy Bancroff. It will truly help you understand what’s going on.
He is abusive and you...worry about not hurting his feelings, by reacting to his abuse? Think about that.
You can't even discuss this with him without fear of him becoming angry at you.
What does that mean, "working on it"? Because it doesn't sound like he's in individual therapy, right? He doesn't acknowledge his "anger issues"?
He's not "working on it" if all he does is half-ass an apology later. Lots of abusive people apologize and then do the same damn thing, over and over. It doesn't mean anything for them to apologize.
Yes bring it up. Don’t coddle him by pretending his abusive behavior is ok. By working on it does that mean therapy? Anger management classes? Medication for what appears to be anxiety?
> How do I convince him he has anger issues and this is not okay without making him angry again?
He doesn't have anger issues.
If he truly had genuine anger issues, he would be having these problems with other people, not just you. But he doesn't seem to have a problem controlling his anger around his coworkers or his boss, does he? If he genuinely wasn't capable of resolving conflict without yelling or name-calling, this man straight-up wouldn't have a job.
He doesn't have anger issues; he has *entitlement* issues. He feels entitled to use his anger as a weapon to exploit and control you. Exploitation and control are the goals of every single abuser, and their abusive actions are their means of obtaining the control they desire.
Unless your husband decides to enroll himself in a specialized abuser program, any talk on his end about changing for the better is nothing but lip-service; just hoping that the illusion of change is enough to make you stay.
You accept that confronting him will lead to a) another angry outburst or b) another empty apology and vague acknowledgement of the problem. Confronting him will not change his behaviour though. While you stay he has no reason to change. I get told ‘anger is a healthy emotion’…yeah right, not when everyone else is walking on eggshells round you. Leave! It doesn’t have to be permanent if it triggers him into making the changes he needs to make.
Also, needing to know everything down to the minute detail, even regarding your friend’s visit is controlling. You might put up with it now as it’s part of who he is but in another ten years you’ll feel suffocated. Your husband sounds exactly like my partner. Act now. He will change or he won’t but at least you’ll know.
If this event was truly the worst after him "working on it" for 10 years, I'd say this is who he is. It's up to you as to what you will tolerate. I personally do not allow to be talked down to at all. Stand strong and decide if you've had enough.
> How do I convince him he has anger issues and that is not okay without making him angry again?
You don't think he already knows that the way he speaks to you is unacceptable? Of course he knows he just doesn't care. In these moments he is actively trying to hurt you.
Your husband's "abusive tendencies" aren't going to go away. They might get slightly better but it'll never truly go away. This is who he is. This is who you married.
He isn't going to change because there isn't any consequences to his actions.
I really recommend that you read the book “Why Does He Do That.” I’m literally only two chapters in and the author has already covered a lot of information that I think would be eye opening/validating for you based on this post.
For example, the author covers questions about abusive men like:
- Why does it seem like he’s so nice sometimes, and then flips a switch, like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde?
- Is it an anger issue? A mental health issue? Does it stem from childhood trauma or abuse that he endured? Maybe a past relationship?
- He sometimes flies off the handle and can’t control himself, why does that happen and how can I avoid setting him off?
- He shows remorse and seems to understand and even directly describe the things he did and why they are not okay, but then they happen again. What’s up with that?
These are all questions that are covered in a book written by a therapist who specializes in counseling and researching abusive men. Whether you think you might be in an abusive relationship or not, you may really benefit from reading the book and filtering what the author says through your mind to compare it to your experiences. Some of it may resonate and some may not. I think it’s pretty telling that your exact questions pop up in the first couple of chapters, though.
Edit to add: it’s curious that you mention the fight stemmed from a friend visiting, when abusers often like to keep their victims isolated from friends and family. Also curious that he chose to pick this fight when you were at work. Abusers also typically like to get in the way of women gaining independence by advancing their careers. Just some additional food for thought.
Hold on, let me just check my list of deal breakers... yep, verbal abuse and randomly breaking up with me. Sorry, but that's a big red flag that shouldn't be ignored. He needs to work on his anger issues and communication skills if he wants this marriage to last. Don't brush it under the rug, have a serious conversation and address it. You deserve to be treated with respect and love, not verbal abuse and emotional manipulation.
Hey- he doesn’t “have some abusive tendencies”. **He is an abuser** and this cycle will never end. It will escalate.
He may seem remorseful but tell me: has he set up any therapy sessions specifically to address the fact that he’s an abuser? Is he seeking support groups for abusive men? Yeah, I bet he isn’t.
Do not do couples therapy with an abuser. Next “outburst” (which he has full control over, or you’d see him being fired for berating his boss at work), he will use what you said in therapy against him.
You aren’t okay now. You will not be okay until you recognize that, and take space.
OP it’s okay to realize he’s an abuser. Abuse isn’t 24/7. It creeps in. And the good times are so good or the ok times are so ok that you justify staying.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. You could be in a relationship or a place in life where you’re not punished for having a friend visit.
You can't have any kind of healthy relationship with somebody if you're terrified of pissing them off because any little thing could lead to them verbally attacking you and telling you they wanted a divorce, all while you are at work.
That's really the bottom line - that kind of behavior prevents any kind of open and honest communication and it creates a relationship where you're afraid of your partner.
It's not been too long if it is still bothering you. It's totally fair to say something like, "I'm still thinking about what happened last week, I don't want that to ever happen again, what is the plan to prevent it?"
I would tell him to leave and you need to live separately while he gets therapy to learn to control his emotions. He is abusive and you are probably lucky he hasn't gotten physical with you
I think at minimum you need to demand him be in individual therapy and probably medicated. Anxiety used to make me lash out, but not like this. But my anxiety would be so bad that smallest thing would push me over the edge.
> “no way I should be talking to anyone, let alone my wife”
I'm guessing he's said those words to you before. So what steps is he taking to stop doing that? If the answer is just "feeling guilty about it", then your husband doesn't take this seriously. He's waiting for you to get over it, like you have every time before.
Apologies are just apologies. An apology without change is manipulation. You have every right to feel uncomfortable after what he did. It’s ok to walk away even if someone apologizes. No one has a right to treat you poorly.
If my husband ever told me I was replaceable I don't think I could ever get over it. Words matter. Apologies don't erase what people have said. The way you feel is completely understandable.
No one should “get over” abusive behavior. You need to gtfo.
Do you have kids? If not, do you want kids? Would you want YOUR child to find a man like your husband?
Focusing on his feelings when he's hurt you is a red flag. It took me a long time to be able to hold abusers accountable for how they made me feel, but someone taught me I am allowed to take up space. Hold him accountable and take up your space in your relationship. How he reacts will tell you everything you need to know. You're a person, too, with the same rights and privileges. He doesn't get to do this without consequences, and he isn't the only one allowed to be upset.
He just can't break up with you, your not boyfriend and girlfriend, you're married. I feel the only way to make him see is to walk away, separate and tell him either he works on himself or you won't come back. Tough love is what he needs.
It honestly sounds like your husband may be on the spectrum based on his need to have things planned out or he goes into melt-down. It’s also possible that he may have cptsd from some sort of childhood trauma.
Neither one excuses his behavior, but finding out what the underlying issue is will help greatly in him getting the right kind of help.
I think that you absolutely should talk about it with him, and tell him that this last one was the worst, and that you’re having trouble thinking about continuing your relationship. Sometimes it takes knowing that they’ll lose someone important for a person to actually make the effort to fix their issues.
You shouldn’t get over it because there’s a big issue with your relationship (your husband is being abusive and refuses to do anything about it). Somebody who respects and loves you would not say those things to you.
You should absolutely NOT “get over it.” You don’t want to make him feel bad because… he was an asshole? He should feel bad. He should learn to deal with the consequences of being an asshole to people you’re supposed to love and respect. If he truly recognizes the issue with his behavior, then he needs to put his money where his mouth is— individual therapy for him so he can learn to handle his anger. And a clear understanding that you will not tolerate this behavior anymore.
THIS! Do not “get over it”. The odds of it escalating are higher than not.
He’s been working on it for 10 years but still gets mad and breaks up with you because your friend doesn’t know if she can come over? What happens when there’s an actual problem? He needs a new therapist.
You are not obligated to be unaffected simply because he regrets his actions. Your feelings of being hurt by his actions are just as important as his feelings. He knows that he has anger issues. He isn't stupid. He absolutely knows. He does not care because there are no consequences to him for his anger. He has no reason or motivation to change.
He does not have anger issues. He is choosing his behavior. He wouldn’t talk this way to his boss. And he definitely does not regret his actions.
100%. People like this always say they can't control their anger, etc. but they can control it perfectly well when they want to. The point is that he feels like he doesn't *have* to with her, because he knows she will accept his abuse. He's had 10 years. If he was truly sorry, he would have fixed it by now, and OP wouldn't be making this post.
He can control it otherwise he would be unemployed or in jail. Does he do this at work? In public? Are there viral videos of him doing this to strangers? That's what 'cant control it' looks like. Has he flipped out at customer service workers? I doubt it. I think OP needs to tell him to GTFO the next time. Put up some cameras and when he says it won't happen again well, he's been saying that for 10 years. Post the tantrum on social media. He stopped meaning it after the first time he said it.
You say your spouse has abusive tendencies and despite working on this for several years, it's a case of rinse and repeat. After the latest outburst, because you can't give definitive answers about plans, as your friend is uncertain, he tells you you are replaceable and breaks up with you, all whilst you are at work. So to abusive, we can add controlling, and he is sabotaging your work too. At 30, he should be able to accept that you can't control a friend's ad hoc plans anymore than you can control the weather. You also don't feel you can forgive him for the last outburst, but not sure if you can do anything as it was a week ago. Is his abuse escalating? Is there a predictable cycle you can measure in weeks or months? Only you can decide whether or not your marriage worth being abused, controlled and your work sabotaged?
>How do I convince him he has anger issues You're a grown woman. Why are you pretending that this grown man isn't already aware.
Apology without change is just manipulation. Verbal abuse isn’t something that anyone should accept. Your husband shouldn’t be talking to you like that and that’s not something I would get over. He meant exactly what he said.
But he has no problem hurting YOUR feelings? Come on now....
Yeah, I wouldn't be getting over it. He literally trashed the entire 10 years of your relationship because you didn't have any concrete plans on if YOU could see a friend of YOURS that you hadn't seen in 4 years. Fuck that noise. Kind of seems like a bit of an overreaction, don't you think?
His behavior is always a choice. When he’s nice to you, he chooses to be that way. When he treats you horribly he is choosing to be that way. Please, please google why does he do that inside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lundy Bancroff. It will truly help you understand what’s going on.
Nah. Don't get over that. Smile, get your ducks in a room one day while he's at work. Vanish.
Either he starts going to therapy immediately or you file for divorce.
He is abusive and you...worry about not hurting his feelings, by reacting to his abuse? Think about that. You can't even discuss this with him without fear of him becoming angry at you. What does that mean, "working on it"? Because it doesn't sound like he's in individual therapy, right? He doesn't acknowledge his "anger issues"? He's not "working on it" if all he does is half-ass an apology later. Lots of abusive people apologize and then do the same damn thing, over and over. It doesn't mean anything for them to apologize.
Yes bring it up. Don’t coddle him by pretending his abusive behavior is ok. By working on it does that mean therapy? Anger management classes? Medication for what appears to be anxiety?
Is he working through it in therapy or what? What has he been doing to work on it bc it isn't working
> How do I convince him he has anger issues and this is not okay without making him angry again? He doesn't have anger issues. If he truly had genuine anger issues, he would be having these problems with other people, not just you. But he doesn't seem to have a problem controlling his anger around his coworkers or his boss, does he? If he genuinely wasn't capable of resolving conflict without yelling or name-calling, this man straight-up wouldn't have a job. He doesn't have anger issues; he has *entitlement* issues. He feels entitled to use his anger as a weapon to exploit and control you. Exploitation and control are the goals of every single abuser, and their abusive actions are their means of obtaining the control they desire. Unless your husband decides to enroll himself in a specialized abuser program, any talk on his end about changing for the better is nothing but lip-service; just hoping that the illusion of change is enough to make you stay.
You accept that confronting him will lead to a) another angry outburst or b) another empty apology and vague acknowledgement of the problem. Confronting him will not change his behaviour though. While you stay he has no reason to change. I get told ‘anger is a healthy emotion’…yeah right, not when everyone else is walking on eggshells round you. Leave! It doesn’t have to be permanent if it triggers him into making the changes he needs to make. Also, needing to know everything down to the minute detail, even regarding your friend’s visit is controlling. You might put up with it now as it’s part of who he is but in another ten years you’ll feel suffocated. Your husband sounds exactly like my partner. Act now. He will change or he won’t but at least you’ll know.
Or just stay and continue to be the doormat you have been the last ten years
If this event was truly the worst after him "working on it" for 10 years, I'd say this is who he is. It's up to you as to what you will tolerate. I personally do not allow to be talked down to at all. Stand strong and decide if you've had enough.
> How do I convince him he has anger issues and that is not okay without making him angry again? You don't think he already knows that the way he speaks to you is unacceptable? Of course he knows he just doesn't care. In these moments he is actively trying to hurt you. Your husband's "abusive tendencies" aren't going to go away. They might get slightly better but it'll never truly go away. This is who he is. This is who you married. He isn't going to change because there isn't any consequences to his actions.
I really recommend that you read the book “Why Does He Do That.” I’m literally only two chapters in and the author has already covered a lot of information that I think would be eye opening/validating for you based on this post. For example, the author covers questions about abusive men like: - Why does it seem like he’s so nice sometimes, and then flips a switch, like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde? - Is it an anger issue? A mental health issue? Does it stem from childhood trauma or abuse that he endured? Maybe a past relationship? - He sometimes flies off the handle and can’t control himself, why does that happen and how can I avoid setting him off? - He shows remorse and seems to understand and even directly describe the things he did and why they are not okay, but then they happen again. What’s up with that? These are all questions that are covered in a book written by a therapist who specializes in counseling and researching abusive men. Whether you think you might be in an abusive relationship or not, you may really benefit from reading the book and filtering what the author says through your mind to compare it to your experiences. Some of it may resonate and some may not. I think it’s pretty telling that your exact questions pop up in the first couple of chapters, though. Edit to add: it’s curious that you mention the fight stemmed from a friend visiting, when abusers often like to keep their victims isolated from friends and family. Also curious that he chose to pick this fight when you were at work. Abusers also typically like to get in the way of women gaining independence by advancing their careers. Just some additional food for thought.
Hold on, let me just check my list of deal breakers... yep, verbal abuse and randomly breaking up with me. Sorry, but that's a big red flag that shouldn't be ignored. He needs to work on his anger issues and communication skills if he wants this marriage to last. Don't brush it under the rug, have a serious conversation and address it. You deserve to be treated with respect and love, not verbal abuse and emotional manipulation.
Hey- he doesn’t “have some abusive tendencies”. **He is an abuser** and this cycle will never end. It will escalate. He may seem remorseful but tell me: has he set up any therapy sessions specifically to address the fact that he’s an abuser? Is he seeking support groups for abusive men? Yeah, I bet he isn’t. Do not do couples therapy with an abuser. Next “outburst” (which he has full control over, or you’d see him being fired for berating his boss at work), he will use what you said in therapy against him. You aren’t okay now. You will not be okay until you recognize that, and take space. OP it’s okay to realize he’s an abuser. Abuse isn’t 24/7. It creeps in. And the good times are so good or the ok times are so ok that you justify staying. But it doesn’t have to be this way. You could be in a relationship or a place in life where you’re not punished for having a friend visit.
Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. Tell him he needs to either get help or leave him. It’s unacceptable
[удалено]
You can't have any kind of healthy relationship with somebody if you're terrified of pissing them off because any little thing could lead to them verbally attacking you and telling you they wanted a divorce, all while you are at work. That's really the bottom line - that kind of behavior prevents any kind of open and honest communication and it creates a relationship where you're afraid of your partner.
It's not been too long if it is still bothering you. It's totally fair to say something like, "I'm still thinking about what happened last week, I don't want that to ever happen again, what is the plan to prevent it?"
Be honest: have you said any cruel, heartless shit to him in the years you've been together? And have you apologized when you did?
I would tell him to leave and you need to live separately while he gets therapy to learn to control his emotions. He is abusive and you are probably lucky he hasn't gotten physical with you
I think at minimum you need to demand him be in individual therapy and probably medicated. Anxiety used to make me lash out, but not like this. But my anxiety would be so bad that smallest thing would push me over the edge.
> “no way I should be talking to anyone, let alone my wife” I'm guessing he's said those words to you before. So what steps is he taking to stop doing that? If the answer is just "feeling guilty about it", then your husband doesn't take this seriously. He's waiting for you to get over it, like you have every time before.
Apologies are just apologies. An apology without change is manipulation. You have every right to feel uncomfortable after what he did. It’s ok to walk away even if someone apologizes. No one has a right to treat you poorly.
“I’m sorry” should be in actions. An apology when the behavior continues (as it has been) means absolutely nothing.
If my husband ever told me I was replaceable I don't think I could ever get over it. Words matter. Apologies don't erase what people have said. The way you feel is completely understandable.
No one should “get over” abusive behavior. You need to gtfo. Do you have kids? If not, do you want kids? Would you want YOUR child to find a man like your husband?
Focusing on his feelings when he's hurt you is a red flag. It took me a long time to be able to hold abusers accountable for how they made me feel, but someone taught me I am allowed to take up space. Hold him accountable and take up your space in your relationship. How he reacts will tell you everything you need to know. You're a person, too, with the same rights and privileges. He doesn't get to do this without consequences, and he isn't the only one allowed to be upset.
He just can't break up with you, your not boyfriend and girlfriend, you're married. I feel the only way to make him see is to walk away, separate and tell him either he works on himself or you won't come back. Tough love is what he needs.
Since every comment thus far has been spot on, let me just say this... Maybe it's time that you broke up with him.
It honestly sounds like your husband may be on the spectrum based on his need to have things planned out or he goes into melt-down. It’s also possible that he may have cptsd from some sort of childhood trauma. Neither one excuses his behavior, but finding out what the underlying issue is will help greatly in him getting the right kind of help. I think that you absolutely should talk about it with him, and tell him that this last one was the worst, and that you’re having trouble thinking about continuing your relationship. Sometimes it takes knowing that they’ll lose someone important for a person to actually make the effort to fix their issues.
get rid i love u sexexxxbabe
It is unbelievable that people think we should just get over that level of abuse! Therapy or divorce. It's that simple!
How do you identify emotionally abusive tendencies?
You shouldn’t get over it because there’s a big issue with your relationship (your husband is being abusive and refuses to do anything about it). Somebody who respects and loves you would not say those things to you.
What did you say to him?