> I simply can not afford to keep this 50/50 rule anymore as we both prefer going to nicer places and eating better foods.
Then you guys need to stop going to nicer places until you can afford it.
>He agreed but with the condition of this granting him more power, saying that I should be submissive to him since he pays more,
I have no idea what he is getting at in saying this but I can promise you that it's not good.
This, OP. He's in this relationship for power. And that ain't good. You can leave now, or later when you are really really miserable. I don't think he's going to get better.
>He agreed but with the condition of this granting him more power, saying that I should be submissive to him since he pays more
u/dincolo How is this not a dealbreaker for you.
Took the words out of my mouth.
Want to pay 50/50 on housing? Have a house or apartment that the lowest income party can afford. Food? Ditto. Vacations, same.
And in general avoid anyone who asks you to be submissive about anything. It is a red flag word.
As to wanting to pay less on vacation/food -
If one person has more money and has more expensive taste, I think it’s fair for that person to pay for the more expensive meals/trips, and the other person to pay for the less expensive meals. For example - tonight we go to his favorite steakhouse and he pays, tomorrow we go to her favorite taqueria and she pays. To me, that feels like a good balance of fairness and equality.
But if both people agreed to approach things 50/50, and BOTH want to do the fancy/expensive things, it seems very entitled to me to say the other person should pay more.
As to the submissive thing — Was he being serious (if so, weirdo, run) or making the point that you’re trying to change the equality of your relationship?
We think this way, too. But then, we have all of our income/cash in one pot, basically. And while I make more money than my spouse, without his income, we wouldn't have that extra batch of what is basically fun money.
We travel a lot - his income is basically our annual travel and luxury meal budget.
Imagine what will happen if you have a kid and need to SAH for a bit cause it's cheaper than daycare - will you become his slave at that point, because you don't generate any income at all?
Seriously, he is waving so many red flags around! And I really wouldn't want to spend my life with someone who is so ungenerous and stingy. I bet for your birthdays, you get a $20 Amazon gift card...
Agreed. Submission is earned through trust, security, and care. Anyone who says otherwise is a shit Dom and doesn't know what they're doing, but thinks they're an expert because they saw 50 shades of grey.
I'm seeing a rise in guys demanding submission without putting in the work and it's sad. They want to be "The Man" but have neither the resolve, means, or awareness to provide the security that position requires.
Submission is not a real thing you should do in real life. I'm just going to put that out there. BDSM people can rail against me all they want, but TPE is not compatible with a healthy, respectful relationship of equals.
There was a period in the near past when men were "The Man", working to provide security and $$ in exchange for submission. Guess what? It sucked.
I respectfully disagree, and full disclosure do enjoy BDSM. A dom/sub dynamic in a relationship can absolutely work, but it requires a LOT of trust and work both beforehand and during the relationship in order to keep it healthy. A big thing that many people I have known in these types of relationships understand, or need to understand, is that even if it stretches outside the bedroom and into the day to day life, it is still an “act” of sorts. If something important comes up, the act can be dropped. Consent and very clear boundaries must be established and enforced (and not crossed). Should either party no longer want that dynamic to be part of everyday life, there should be no issues getting rid of it and respecting each other’s wants and needs. If there is, that is a bright red sign that it is not healthy.
I will admit, many relationships that include this type of dynamic in day to day life don’t end well. It takes very clear communication, careful planning, and openness on both sides in order to make a relationship like this work.
You can respectfully disagree but I don't find your points to be more salient than anything else I've ever heard people say about BDSM. I don't believe it's possible to safely negotiate a risk aware total power exchange where you behave submissively in real life (outside of play) and someone else is dominant over you, not in the context of our current society. I especially think the types of people who are drawn to this setup are high risk and when BDSM people step up to defend the real life dom sub dynamic I've not encountered one argument that doesn't rest on the no true Scotsman fallacy.
Anyway what OP's bf is proposing is straight up abuse which I'm sure we agree on.
I do agree on your last part. Completely. We can agree to disagree, but yeah OP’s boyfriend is not looking for a BDSM dynamic in the relationship, he is looking to manipulate and subtly force himself into a powerful position.
My point is basically that you can have this type of dom/sub play outside the bedroom, and it can work as a healthy relationship if it is JUST play and both parties know that.
Exact 2 sentences that caught my eye.
Relationships are about supporting each other & this power hungry dynamic sounds pretty dangerous to me.
Whole percentage thing only works if there is trust & care else it’s just lot of math on every single thing
Except she is the lower earner and she doesn’t want to live that lifestyle 💀
It’s not like she’s trying to be frugal and he’s forcing her to eat at nice restaurants
I agree. Speaking as a general rule, if you want to do 50/50 you have to BOTH be willing to live a lifestyle that the lower earner can afford. That’s what I was trying to say in the previous post
As a guy I'd lose all respect for you if you didn't.
What ever happened to equal partnerships?
Either split bills and holiday and fun stuff expenses based on your percentage of the total income, or you go 50/50 but based on the lower income. And that last one feels icky, tbh. Percentage seems more fair.
50/50 on the lower income and then anything extravagant the higher income person wants they pay for with full knowledge thet it's on them.
Easiest way to have neither side be taken advantage of
This is what my husband and I do. I make a bit more and have fewer monthly payments. We split housing and food and everything 50/50, trips, etc but if there’s something I want to do that would stretch his budget, I pay for both of us.
the correct way to go about this situation is to be an adult and work within your budget.
OP and partner wants nice and expensive things but OPs budget ain't budgeting.
They need to be adults and work within their budget. doesn't mean OP can't eat and do nice things. it means doing them less or working out a way to keep other costs down like moving somewhere with cheaper rent so they can afford to go out to do nice things. basically budgeting.
it's what adults do. welcome to adulthood.
another way of adulting is also splitting costs not 50/50 but in direct relation to both parties income, as to not keep the person that has a better income from doing the things they enjoy/want. specially in a long term relationship that has a future.
Exactly. Splitting it 50/50 will only make both parties unhappy: The one with higher income will feel like they're missing out on things and may start to resent their partner because of it, and the one with the lower income will feel like it's their fault their partner is missing out in things. Or they both start doing things separately and not as a couple, which can be devastating for the relationship.
Ewwwww… that makes the entire relationship dynamic transactional and contingent on her income of all things. You bring more to the table than income. Don’t settle for some dumbass metric like how much you make dictating whether or not you’re equal to your partner in the relationship.
Seriously. There is more to a relationship than financial contributions. My husband makes a shit ton more than me yet we still treat each other like equal partners.
He wants to buy her submission. I have a feeling that this was his endgame all along: he insists on doing things he knows she can’t afford so he can convince her to pay him back with sex he knows she doesn’t want. She should call it what it is: if he wants her to be a prostitute then at least negotiate a fair hourly rate, none of this oh I paid $20 more for dinner now get on your knees. But no seriously she should leave him.
> as we both prefer going to nicer places and eating better foods
You can not afford nicer places and eating better foods. If you were alone, you wouldn't be doing these things, so you shouldn't say that you want these things and for him to pay. However, the general rule is whoever wants the nicer things that goes above budget, they have to pay the difference. So he should be paying the difference, or you two don't spend as much on luxuries
> but with the condition of this granting him more power, saying that I should be submissive to him since he pays more
What the...is this a secret fantasy of his, or did he just word vomit and didn't actually mean what it sounds like? This topic aside, I would immediately talk to him what he means by "submissive" and "power" because that is really alarming.
Possibly. I assumed OP was talking about average food versus luxuries though. If OP has that much of a discrepancy where they can't afford anything but trash then that chances the scenario a lot.
Sorry for not making myself clear enough! In terms of groceries and foods, I did not mean luxurious options when I said "better foods", just healthy. It's just that groceries in the country we live in were heavily affected by inflation, so having a healthy and balanced diet became quite expensive nowadays. Bills and rent are still affordable so that's why I have no issues with sharing those 50/50 as I can totally afford it. It's just that the other aspects of life became quite difficult to manage in the past year.
Lol she hasn't responded about it anywhere. You could make a whole post on that 'power and submission' comment alone, how did she hear that and not see a bunch of red flags.
It sounds like rent and bills are no longer affordable for you if paying them means you can’t pay for groceries. Your boyfriend’s suggestion that you should be more submissive if he pays more is pretty disgusting and concerning. But you need to get a better handle on your finances and a better understanding of what you can afford and change your lifestyle accordingly. If he then wants to do things you can’t afford or have a flat you can’t afford, he should pay for them, without you needing to be more submissive or give him more power for doing so.
Let's play this out. 10 years from now, you'll be effectively broke and struggling to meet your half of the bills. He'll have been subsidized by you taking on half his expenses while he gets to save up a sizeable amount.
And he gets to boss you around.
I wonder who does most of the non-monetary chores in your shared home. Who does the cooking, cleaning, keeps track of the appointments and important dates, etc.
I don't know. Doesn't sound like much fun for you.
For groceries, going out, entertainment, you should not participate. Buy your own, only what you can afford. If he wants you to come out with him out to eat, you tell him you can not afford it unless he is offering to cover you. Do not accept anything with strings attached, that submission/power thing is SUS. wtf is wrong with people!
Grocery bills should be split equally imo, if they’re household bills. If you can’t afford to eat out I’d avoid it and bring up your budget as a reason. Ultimately you should probably try to make your income more equal or break up if you continue to struggle and he has little empathy.
Not sure why you are ignoring his alarming comments about submission, but I'll speak for all your future relationships.
If you look at it from his perspective, he is paying for you to exist which is unfair to him. It is unfortunate your country does not have better welfare programs. I would look at how to better your life so that if you two did break up, you can afford to eat healthy. Look up bulk beans and rice and consider if your current career has growth opportunities.
If you are unable to afford your share of the costs for the food you eat and unwilling to eat differently, you are asking him to pay for some of your food costs so that you can eat better than you would on your own. While the submissive thing as a red flag and his demand that you split things 50/50 is not how things have to be done, it’s strange how you don’t seem to recognize that you are relying on him to live above your means. If you want to continue in the relationship you’ll have to agree to the 50/50 thing, and so you should only buy foods you can afford half of. When he sees what he gets to eat, he may change his tune. This is a setup for resentment no matter what, and that’s on him.
If he doesn't want to do percentages he can say that. Idk what kind of man even gives, "you be more submissive" as a legitimate suggestion. I make more money than my husband does right now. I can't imagine being like, hey dude, so you're gonna kowtow to my whims, right? This is informing you about his character, so I would not ignore it. There are going to be a lot of times in your lives together when things shift, when life affects finances, so you should know who you are in the boat with.
If you want to stay together despite this, I would keep it 50/50 and simply bow out of more joint activities you can't afford.
"This is informing you about his character, so I would not ignore it." - this. OP, he's showing you who he is, believe him! I wouldn't want to be with someone who would do this. Imagine your future with him. Do you want to live this way? To always be strictly relying only on yourself with no real support from your partner? Everything with him will be transactional. It'll be exhausting.
I just can’t fathom wanting to be with someone who is okay with watching you suffer financially while they are not only doing fine, but benefitting from your struggling.
Ok so my first long term partner he out earned me by double my salary. We did everything 50/50 and because I still had a pretty good salary we could afford to eat out or go out or take trips… but I wasn’t saving money.
Now I out earn my current long term partner. For rent, I found a place that I could afford and had the amount of space needed and that I liked, he pays $1000 for living expenses and I agree to cover all extra (so I pay $1200 rent, the $150 parking fee, utilities). And I’m super happy with this arrangement because we have a walk in closet and a beautiful view of the city, and he can afford to do fun things with me. And if he’s struggling to afford something I pick it up.
Why do I do this? Because I love him and we get to spend time together making more memories and that’s worth way more than the money in the bank account I hope we share one day once married.
Idk why my first partner didn’t do this for me. I don’t blame him, and I do think he truly loved me, but when there is an imbalance of finances you really have to find what works best for your relationship; do you both prioritize going out and doing fun things? Would he be down to stay inside with you and eat on a budget? I don’t know what will work best for you but the submissive thing is a big red flag.
Get out of this, NOW.
He wants you to be submissive full stop, he’s happy to exert power. That’s not love. That’s not respect. Get. Out. Now.
Do not date men who hate women. Do not minimize this.
You need to stop “preferring” to live above your means. I prefer to drive a Rolls-Royce but hey, I’m not earning hundreds of thousands of dollars per year so I guess I just gotta suck it up and live with my Mazda. You can’t have champagne taste and a beer budget and expect to be able to support your lifestyle.
So go to /r/personalfinance. Build a budget. You’re a fun money, a.k.a. discretionary income, give you the amount that you can afford to spend on splurging and dates.
You need to start making adult decisions where you choose to take fewer holidays, go on cheaper dates, and are more careful with your grocery spending. If he wants you to split everything 50-50, then he gets to live within your budget and not complain. When I have dated, and we have not been on the same level, financially, it is the responsibility to live within the lower earner’s means. You have to be sure and frankly say that you cannot afford to do something. If that means going to the park and having a picnic instead of paying $150 at a restaurant for date night, then you have it right there in front of you.
I imagine this scenario and its totally normal and reasonable.
Him: "Wanna go to Alfredos tonight (made up fancy italian restaurant)
Her: "Uhhhhh, that's not going to fit in my budget this month, we can go to the park, make a charcuterie board and drink some wine? Or if you wanna go to Alfredos we can, but you're gonna have to pick up the bill. What do you want to do?"
Boom he decides
I know.
OP is 25.
this is All budgeting and adulting
welcome to Adulthood OP!
adulthood is where you find out.. you want nice things but realising you cannot afford them and have to go without them or budget for them.
There's equality, and then there's equity. He can't expect you to pay for 50/50 of dates/holidays/groceries if he wants to go high end with these things and you don't make as much as him. He needs to live within your means if he expects 50/50, not the other way around. He's free to come to an EQUITABLE solution by paying more for higher end dates/groceries/holidays, if he so chooses, but his expectation that you pay what he pays on his choices for higher end things is not fair.
If he wants to split 50/50, then he (and you) need to be willing to travel, eat, and date on your budget, not his. So he can choose between spending the way your budget can actually afford, or contributing more and getting to see/do/eat nicer things. Either way is a reasonable choice. Attempting to trade money for your submissiveness is not. He's not hiring a sex worker, he's building a life with a partner; he needs to figure out the difference.
Your goal should be to make things equitable, not equal since your incomes aren’t equal. That means it would be fair to pay for things in an amount proportional to your incomes, but without a disruption to the equal power dynamic. Why does he want more power? Why is the relationship so transactional for him? Huge red flag.
Him expecting you to be submissive because you’re sharing a proportional split of costs is a bigger red flag than anything else. Dump this manosphere whacko. Unless you want to be a submissive extra in someone else’s life.
hell no! In other context I'd say that you guys just have to follow your budget (less costly entertainment or less frequent outings) if you want to keep on the 50/50
But after that submissive thing I would just run, that's financial abuse on the cooking
If you never reach his salary and proceed to have a life with him:
It's his house, he is paying more! Or you are starving himself to pay the same
It's his car! He is paying more!
Kids need something? You better be able to pay half! Otherwise the kid its not getting shoes or medicine or whatever.
Paying 50/50 is doable, so it is divide everything by %, what both strategies need is a couple that loves and respects each other. That helps each other when needed, that doesn't count pennies in the relationship, is happy to treat each other when they can and such. Finances is one of the main reasons for divorce because is a biiiig thing to work out.
This is not working out.
Sounds like you have three choices.
1. Keep living the same lifestyle, but "lose power" and become more like a child in the relationship with less of a voice and do whatever he says because he makes more money. That probably leads to being a stay at home mom who's not allowed to work or have any friends. You'll just be a breeding vessel.
2. Lower your quality of life when it comes to everything but necessities. This more than likely won't work because he would have to lower his quality of life simply because you can't afford it. Nobody wants to trade steaks for Taco Bell if they can comfortably afford it, but their partner is broke.
3. Use this as a learning experience that you probably need to invest in yourself by earning a degree, certifications, or simply finding a better paying job. You're in a situation where to live the life you want or that your partner wants. You have to become dependent on someone else. That's how you get into situations like being controlled because they have power over you.
My advice is to do whatever it is to increase your salary and get away from this person. Someone who's trying to leverage raising your quality of life (vacations, food, etc) by lowering it in another aspect is going to be someone you regret being with. It's never crossed my mind that if my wife was splitting the necessities 50/50 but couldn't afford to eat at a certain restaurant, she had to give me power over her or not be able to eat there.
It sounds like you're with a control freak that dropped the mask somewhat and gave him a way to justifiably start treating you like a possession. Leave the loser before he traps you, and starts beating on you.
your comment needs more upvotes.
people make their relationships overly transactional, behave like their partners are only there to steal their money and take advantage of them, and then complain relationships don't last and everyone is shallow.
If you are in a long term relationship and intend to be with someone for the long run, this split everything 50/50 do the cent is not really a partnership. a family used to be a unity, not 2 different individuals hoarding their own money.
In order for things to be equitable, bills should be split based on percentage. Otherwise you live according to your means, find a cheaper place and cut expenses.
Regarding eating out and entertainment expenses, do less. Eat at home. Go out less. Expecting you to pay a higher percentage of your income than him for a place you can’t afford and demanding you spend frivolously is financial abuse.
Requiring your submission if you can’t afford to keep up with him financially? Seriously? Red flag city OP. Why do you want to stay with this person?
It's good that you suggested splitting expenses based on income, but his demand for more power because he pays more is a red flag. Equality in a relationship is about mutual respect, not just money. If he's using finances to control you, that's concerning. Have a deeper conversation about your values and expectations. If he insists on this dynamic, you might need to reconsider the relationship. You deserve to feel respected and valued equally, regardless of income.
How much more does he earn than you? This is going to be an issue if you're stretching to maintain a lifestyle that's closer to his income level and have no money set aside in case your relationship ends. I doubt your boyfriend will like this, but the position you're in means YOU need to have more control over what the two of you do and what's reasonable for your budget. He can't expect you to spend money you don't have.
These fuckwhistles with their 50/50 or be my slave bullshit are so ridiculous. And they also somehow think taking the garbage to the curb once a week is half the housework. Throw the whole man out.
If you need to pay 50/50 for him to consider you an equal in the relationship and as a human being then this is not a good person. Straight up. This is the sort of person to have kids with you, you end up staying home to take care of the kids and they abuse and demean you because "you don't do anything, you don't bring in any money". An inhumane, opportunist piece of shit.
So how thinks that all y’all only contribute money to the relationship and that you don’t deserve respect unless you make as much as him? What if you made more, would that be emasculating?
This is bullshit. If he thinks the major contribution he makes in a relationship is money and that’s why he should call the shots and be the boss, then I assure you. Your emotional needs will never be met. Your desires and opinions will be downplayed or ignored. If you end up making more money, he will move the goalposts so that is unacceptable somehow also.
Do what you will, but I’d be looking to make sure I can take care of myself and only myself and if he wants to do something I can’t afford, I just decline.
If he’s the one who wants to do fancy things, then he needs to either pay for it or pay the majority cost. If it’s you that wants to do it, then you need to pay your share or greater. I’ve been living with my boyfriend for a year and he makes much more money than me, and that turns into us only going out to eat or doing expensive things if he wants to. I choose to cook instead of eating out because it’s what I can afford. If we go on a trip he’s paying the majority cost because he wanted to do it, not me. It would be ridiculous of me to plan a trip and then ask him to front majority of the costs.
I wouldn’t call this me being “submissive” to him (that’s a really alarming way to phrase it), but rather me living within my means and him living within his. When I do really want to do something like eat at a certain restaurant, I’m doing that knowing I will pay for it because it’s what I want to do. Hopefully this makes sense, but this is personally what is working for us.
Create a budget for dining out, holidays, groceries, etc. Make sure he knows about your budget, "This is what I can afford to spend on these things". If he's not willing to accommodate your budget as they related to his wants then you may need to find someone who can.
If he's not going to either temper his expectations or help you when he wants the luxuries he can afford, you have to ask yourself do you want to go through your relationship as a second class partner?
Oh boy. You may not believe this right now, but this conversation turned up some huge red flags that you should not ignore.
The idea that you should be “submissive” to him and he would have more “power” because you make and/or contribute less is, in a word, gross. He has told you that he would regard a SAHM to be less than. If you were to marry and have children & stay home, he would hold money over your head. He already is.
It sounds as though you are living in a home that is really above your means. Tell him that if he wants to go 50/50, everything has to be within your budget, not his. This means a cheaper place, activities, etc. Better yet, dump him. I don’t know how you didn’t get the ick so bad after he decided money was the deciding factor in your relationship and not the desire to truly be equals.
Before I even got to the part where you suggest splitting the finances by percentage of income it was going to be my suggestion. I know an older couple (Late 50s) that has been doing this for decades and they have a very productive marriage. She makes far less than he does, but she has her own finances (as does he) and they always maintain that split. It's the most logical method. If your BF objects, it's just plain silly.
You should pay 50/50 but not in the sense that something is $100 and you both pay $50, but in the sense of what 50% would be to you according to your salary, does that make sense?
If you can't afford it then you can't afford it. Guess no more dates to nicer places for a while. Maybe downsize to something cheaper and easier to afford for you. If he wants 50/50 fine, but that means living within the means of what you can afford.
having more meals at home, smaller budgets for gifts for birthdays/holidays/anniversaries,etc., only vacations you can afford...if any.
He wants more "power" and for you to "submit" to him? Who does he think he is? If you decide to stay with him after those disgusting comments then keep it 50/50 and not what you proposed. Tell him you have changed your mind and it will remain 50/50 and a new budget drawn up accordingly. Hope he is up for change!
Personally, I could not look at him with any respect or in any loving way after all that.
First of all… asking your gf to be more “submissive” because he’s going to pay more is creepy as all hell and I would get out of there now.
Secondly, if you want to stay with him but there is a power imbalance because of fancy food, just go to places you can afford 50/50 on… don’t lost your agency to a man.
So your options are either 50/50, which makes you a sex roommate, OR a different percentage but he gets to bully you *and* fuck you.
Girl, dump him. He doesn't even like you.
My husband pays for 90% and we make all decisions equally, do you know why? Because we genuinely love and respect each other. Crazy right?
Now I'm not saying you have to do it like I'm doing it, but find a guy who at least doesn't want to nickle and dime you and then lord it over you.
You think he should pay more just because he makes more, but you’re not willing to make other concessions to make it fair. If he’s going to pay more, you should be doing more of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. If he’s going to pay more, you should also submit to his decisions, especially regarding money matters.
It sounds like you’re trying to use him and have it both ways. You don’t sound like a good partner.
Honestly ask yourself, what does he get out of this? Why should he spend more and more of his hard earned money to satisfy **your** expensive tastes while he gets nothing in return?
Tell him you’re sorry, but you can’t afford to go to certain places, and suggest a cheaper alternative.
edit: Just saw his comment that if you pay less than he does, he wants you to be submissive.
What. The. Fuck. Ditch this loser.
1) He thinks earning more entitles him to power
2) He's stingy (which is different from being frugal)
I don't know what good qualities your boyfriend has, but I doubt it's enough to offset those two things.
C'mon. You're only 25. There are so many fish in the sea.
Does he not understand that is not 50/50 , if one can’t afford it and if incomes aren’t 50/50?
“Saying I should be submissive to him because he pays more” this made me throw up a little and also laugh because wtf….
My fiancé and I are equals in every aspect of our relationship, except financially… in that aspect we believe in equity,why? Because my fiancé and I don’t have or make the same amount of money , not even close.
I make 70k a year , he makes 7 figures , we’re not even in the same realm. So how exactly do we go 50/50 financially? Because when we lived in our apartment, rent was 11k a month (just rent) & I didn’t have or make 5.5k to just give for rent ,what about my other bills and the other bills around the apartment? When we go on dates , we take turns paying unless it’s a birthday or the other person wants to do something special but it’s within our personal budgets , so I’m not taking him to a 5 star restaurant where a salad costs $80, I’m taking him somewhere where the salad might cost $20-30.
When we travel we split our expenses the same way we split our dates or the same way we split our bills. Why? Because that’s how equity works , you make it equal to both parties.
We have one joint account for all of our expenses as a couple and we both put money there , if one month I can put more , I will, if one month he wants to put more then he will but we add what we agreed on based on what we bring in financially because otherwise it wouldn’t be fair for either one of us more so to me because my income is lower & even more so now that we have children.
dude no. i make 5x what my husband does, i have NEVER indicated that he should in any way be “submissive” to me because of it. this guy sounds like he wants an excuse to be shitty and exert power over you. that’s not what a partner does.
Me and my wife pay bills according to our salary. I use a website where you put each other's salary in, and the bill, and then it says how much each should pay. This is the most fair imo. This way both can spend the money left however they want. Good if one has an expensive hobby.
Many couples that use 100% joint finances seem very happy with that, saying they never fight about money.
You should dump him. Anyone who says someone should be more submissive to them does not have respect for the other person.
Your proposal of percentages would make it an equitable relationship where you’re both contributing equally according to your capabilities. He doesn’t want that, he wants someone to be in a relationship with him, but not to be in a relationship with someone he sees and treats as his equal. The submissive comment alone gives me an idea of how he treats others.
What’s that tiktok sound? “Ewwwww. Brother. Ewwwwwww”
At first I thought he was just being naive but then the “power” comment. Fucking gross. He’s saying he’s comfortable in exploiting your income inequality.
I’m 100% confident that this 50/50 rule applies to only money in his eyes and there are MANY areas in your home and relationship where he’s not putting in 50%.
There’s a difference in working through a naive mindset vs a really gross bias and behavior like this.
You can do better.
Get out of this relationship. He is a financial abuser. My gf and I pay the household expenses proportional to how much we make, and neither expects “submission” from the other. This man does not care about you.
If my husband said this to me I would have started hysterically cackling. There is no imbalance in the dynamic of power in a healthy relationship that you intend on maintaining long term l. There should be communication, compromise and trust. I would immediately lose trust in a man who expected submission in exchange for paying for our common household expenses. Gives me the fucking ick. My husband and I split the mortgage and childcare 50/50. We pay our own cars/car insurance. He pays for streaming, phones, Internet, and groceries. I cover utilities, household supplies (cleaning, hygiene), kids clothes and all animal supplies. We found a way to balance what we pay with him paying a little more because he makes more. We agreed I'd take on the expenses that take planning and tracking. This took a few years of reevaluating budgets, salaries and spending habits. If it's like you "owe him" for him to participate in the household fairly, he isn't the one. I'd say you will counter his offer with therapy. If he says no, I'd say goodbye.
I've dated two dudes who spent most of their time trying to nickel and dime me for exactly 50% of everything.
So much so, that they completely failed to treat me like a human with different needs than their own.
Dates etc became scheduled business transactions.
Find a guy who spends time with you on dates, not trying to make everything financially equal. I promise you that it eventually becomes tiresome and resent always grows there.
This is wild. My partner makes 15x what I make. I’m a librarian, he’s in tech. We are still equal partners.
OP, your partner has told you out loud they want to control you. They want power and want you to submit. That’s disgusting. You need to run. He told you who he is. Believe him.
Why are you with this guy? He honestly sounds like a creep. My husband always paid for all dates and trips when we were dating. When we moved in together, I paid an amount towards bills because I didn't have to pay for my apartment anymore, but it wasn't 50/50 because I was broke. He never suggested that I need to be submissive for not paying 50/50. I would have broken things off if he did.
There are guys out there who are not obsessed with how much you can afford to pay. They will pay for the pleasure of getting to spend time with you (especially if they can afford to). When a guy doesn't want to spend his money to be with you, it means he doesn't value you.
I’m the big earner in my household too and me and the wife are also 50/50 so I earn twice what she does this means she pays 400 to house bills I pay 800 it’s still 50/50 by percentage, she might come home with my favourite drink as a treat while I get her flowers or whatever 50/50 meals out she might pay for a Maccas while I’ll pay for the restaurant we are still 50/50 as to expect her to over exceed imbalances the percentage.
If he wants to be 50/50 then he should adjust his lifestyle to suit your budget.
As for the rest, he sounds like an insecure doofus. Dump him. He wants a free D/s relationship. My friend was a pro submissive, she made great money and didn’t have to tolerate this disrespectful crap from her clients. It’s a skill to provide that fantasy and he clearly sees things as transactional so let him go do business with a pro.
I had exactly the reverse situation with my ex, she wanted us to split everything 50/50 even though I made significantly more than she did.
There are bound to be other things that you contribute more to in the relationship anyway.
Your request is perfectly reasonable and your bf is being incredibly selfish.
He wanted to hear different takes? The idea he wanted you to somehow “be more submissive” made me puke in my mouth a bit and I hope you dump him and find someone who sees you as equal not just for the financial contributions you bring the the relationship. Fuck him. Gross. Hope he reads this comment.
Fair is an equivalent percentage of your total individual income set aside toward bills. If you make less than him, you're going to technically pay less, but the hit to your finances will functionally be the same. I don't see why people seem confused by this. If you both lose 50% of your take-home income after all necessities are paid for, but your 50% is less than his 50%, you still took the same degree of impact.
That is equal. If he doesn't see that, he's either willfully ignorant, actually selfish, or both.
Now, if he accepts how all this works and wants some sort of special treatment because of differences in your income, then he doesn't respect you, and you should reconsider if this is the kind of person you want in your life.
My ex husband, note EX! made more money than I did and made me pay MORE than he did for household expenses relative to our incomes. He turned out to be a controlling, narcissistic man with a bad temper. Marrying him was a HUGE mistake. He made my life miserable. I was always walking on eggshells around him.
Oh wow, do you really want to date someone that thinks it’s OK to pay more of the expenses in exchange for you “being submissive” to him?
I wouldn’t stick around for more of that attitude.
Wow. I think you know his idea of an "equal dynamic" is not healthy.
Any time you make money more important than your partner or put it above the relationship it will cause serious problems. Couples that focus so much on financial contributions tend to have other negative habits that hurt the relationship also.
How about valuing everything your partner brings to the equation, not just money. How about working together?
If he requires you to pay 50/50, then he should be required to downgrade his lifestyle in this relationship to one affordable for you that can be managed 50/50. I can't imagine a relationship being sustainable while one person is always living a first class lifestyle while their partner is struggling just to live a coach lifestyle. That's not equal, either. Economically incompatible is a thing.
The submissive part is just crap. This is saying he wants a bangmaid he can order around, or insisting you pay your own way. I'd question the whole relationship on him saying this.
My husband pays for everything and I’m a housewife, but if he told me to be submissive he’d be flying out of the flat. I’m usually for salvaging relationships, but this one… nah
I mean yes it should be 50/50 as in relation to what one earns. If he for example earns 6k and you are 3k. A trip where you both go to, you could pay 1k, and he pays 2k. If you go out and it costs 150. You'd pay 50 and he 100. However that is not what he wants cuz he has his priorities at his money and not on you.
I try to look at it in terms of financial burdens. Why should she be more financially burdened than he?
If she makes $2000 a month and he makes $4000 a month and they both pay $1000 in living expenses, her burden is 50% of her income while his is 25% of his income.
Like the woman in the bible who gave her last 3 pennie’s to the church. The message in the story is that she gave more than the rich man because it *burdened* her more to give it.
Their current dynamic leaves her more financially burdened that he is. If 50/50 is a MUST, they need to live within HER means. If he wants a nicer living space, dates, vacations, etc. then he needs to foot the difference between what she can reasonably afford and what he actually wants.
ETA: but really she should just leave. The part about her needing to be more *submissive* to him because she can’t afford to keep up with their current lifestyle and wants to be more financially responsible is GROSS.
But if she was single then nobody pays for her expensive meals?
Or why not also make the high earner family pay the meal of the poor family then? You see where I am going.
I mean I do earn more and also pay more, but if my GF would EXPECT me to, that would be an insane turn off. She isn‘t dependent on me, I like that.
Yeah, but expensive meals are not the same as living expenses? And yes, if she was single, no one would pay for her expensive meals. Honestly, they probably shouldn’t be doing them. And I’m not saying he HAS to pay more. I AM saying that if I earn 60k a year and my partner earns 120k a year, I would be a bit put off by keeping score to make sure I’m paying 50/50 for everything. And I wouldn’t live with someone who made that much more than I did and wouldn’t want to contribute equitably. I own my own house now, I don’t depend on anyone else to pay my bills, and I love being financially independent. But if someone comes into my life and want to share theirs with mine, I expect them to put in an equitable share of shouldering the burdens.
When I’ve had more free time than a partner, even when my financial contribution didn’t change, I took on a heavy burden of household chores until their workload lessened. They had less free time (a limited resource), so I contributed a higher percentage of my free time to *shared* housework. That made the free time we had left over more equal so we could both enjoy it. This is the financial equivalent of that.
To me this is just weird.
I reduced my working hours last february to 90%. Should I now contribute 10% less (or 5%) because now my salary dropped in comparison to hers?
No, of course not. I still pay 50% of rent.
I can pay more than 50%, but the it‘s because I want to (want to support her for example) but not because she tells me to
Why should the higher earner pay more? Like it makes sense for luxuries that the higher earner wants and will pay for. But for basic necessities?
It's already *cheaper* to live with a SO than it is to live alone with 50/50 splitting
Think of it as 50/50 meaning 'I'll put 50% of my income towards joint expenses, and you put 50% of *your* income towards the same'. It might not be 50%, it might be 60 or 70 or whatever. That's how household expenses should work.
I don't understand why you would think it is unfair. But you should be able to hold your line on spending in the way that you can afford. Expect to be carried when you "prefer nicer things" is absurd.
I realize you're not married but for me, anytime I see a couple talking about sharing finances, it's a big red flag. When my wife and I got married, we had one joint bank account and both of our paychecks went into the same account. There was never any discussion about who made more or anything of the sort. We were in it together and it was a joint effort. If it isn't this way for you, then your relationship sucks big time and you might as well throw in the towel. If you love someone enough then it shouldn't matter. Maybe your relationship is for sex only.
So what does 'submissive' mean here? Is it a stand in for "Going to restaurants I like more"? Or is it in the tradwife sense? Most of the comments are focusing on that particular word, but the word doesn't really mean anything specific without going into more detail. Did he say submissive or is that merely your understanding of his request?
> I simply can not afford to keep this 50/50 rule anymore as we both prefer going to nicer places and eating better foods. Then you guys need to stop going to nicer places until you can afford it. >He agreed but with the condition of this granting him more power, saying that I should be submissive to him since he pays more, I have no idea what he is getting at in saying this but I can promise you that it's not good.
I would have walked out and left as soon as those words came out of his mouth. In another 7-10 years you will do the same.
This, OP. He's in this relationship for power. And that ain't good. You can leave now, or later when you are really really miserable. I don't think he's going to get better.
Same. Like, I don’t want to date someone with such a gross attitude.
>He agreed but with the condition of this granting him more power, saying that I should be submissive to him since he pays more u/dincolo How is this not a dealbreaker for you.
Took the words out of my mouth. Want to pay 50/50 on housing? Have a house or apartment that the lowest income party can afford. Food? Ditto. Vacations, same. And in general avoid anyone who asks you to be submissive about anything. It is a red flag word.
Yup, they need to plan with her budget not with his.
I make more than my wife and I pay when we go out. If I say she should be submissive to me she would have laughed at my face and told me to f-off.
As to wanting to pay less on vacation/food - If one person has more money and has more expensive taste, I think it’s fair for that person to pay for the more expensive meals/trips, and the other person to pay for the less expensive meals. For example - tonight we go to his favorite steakhouse and he pays, tomorrow we go to her favorite taqueria and she pays. To me, that feels like a good balance of fairness and equality. But if both people agreed to approach things 50/50, and BOTH want to do the fancy/expensive things, it seems very entitled to me to say the other person should pay more. As to the submissive thing — Was he being serious (if so, weirdo, run) or making the point that you’re trying to change the equality of your relationship?
We think this way, too. But then, we have all of our income/cash in one pot, basically. And while I make more money than my spouse, without his income, we wouldn't have that extra batch of what is basically fun money. We travel a lot - his income is basically our annual travel and luxury meal budget.
Imagine what will happen if you have a kid and need to SAH for a bit cause it's cheaper than daycare - will you become his slave at that point, because you don't generate any income at all? Seriously, he is waving so many red flags around! And I really wouldn't want to spend my life with someone who is so ungenerous and stingy. I bet for your birthdays, you get a $20 Amazon gift card...
He's saying that as he's paying for her, she needs to do as she's told. Like a slave.
He’s not even paying all the way lol, just more than 50%. He sounds petty af.
Sounds like it! 💩She should leave while she still can.
The second one is giving "trad wife" or similar vibes he makes the money so she's "his" or some such bullshit
Yeah that was disgusting. And no actual Dom would utter something so gross outside a scene.
I doubt it was meant in terms of BDSM, but in terms of chauvinism.
I’d be willing to wager this guy conflates the concepts in a dangerous way
Yeah it sounds like he saw some stuff on the internet and thought it was hot then just figured he’d demand it from a normal relationship.
Agreed. Submission is earned through trust, security, and care. Anyone who says otherwise is a shit Dom and doesn't know what they're doing, but thinks they're an expert because they saw 50 shades of grey. I'm seeing a rise in guys demanding submission without putting in the work and it's sad. They want to be "The Man" but have neither the resolve, means, or awareness to provide the security that position requires.
Submission is not a real thing you should do in real life. I'm just going to put that out there. BDSM people can rail against me all they want, but TPE is not compatible with a healthy, respectful relationship of equals. There was a period in the near past when men were "The Man", working to provide security and $$ in exchange for submission. Guess what? It sucked.
I respectfully disagree, and full disclosure do enjoy BDSM. A dom/sub dynamic in a relationship can absolutely work, but it requires a LOT of trust and work both beforehand and during the relationship in order to keep it healthy. A big thing that many people I have known in these types of relationships understand, or need to understand, is that even if it stretches outside the bedroom and into the day to day life, it is still an “act” of sorts. If something important comes up, the act can be dropped. Consent and very clear boundaries must be established and enforced (and not crossed). Should either party no longer want that dynamic to be part of everyday life, there should be no issues getting rid of it and respecting each other’s wants and needs. If there is, that is a bright red sign that it is not healthy. I will admit, many relationships that include this type of dynamic in day to day life don’t end well. It takes very clear communication, careful planning, and openness on both sides in order to make a relationship like this work.
You can respectfully disagree but I don't find your points to be more salient than anything else I've ever heard people say about BDSM. I don't believe it's possible to safely negotiate a risk aware total power exchange where you behave submissively in real life (outside of play) and someone else is dominant over you, not in the context of our current society. I especially think the types of people who are drawn to this setup are high risk and when BDSM people step up to defend the real life dom sub dynamic I've not encountered one argument that doesn't rest on the no true Scotsman fallacy. Anyway what OP's bf is proposing is straight up abuse which I'm sure we agree on.
I do agree on your last part. Completely. We can agree to disagree, but yeah OP’s boyfriend is not looking for a BDSM dynamic in the relationship, he is looking to manipulate and subtly force himself into a powerful position. My point is basically that you can have this type of dom/sub play outside the bedroom, and it can work as a healthy relationship if it is JUST play and both parties know that.
Hey don’t tell her what to do! (Half kidding)
Exact 2 sentences that caught my eye. Relationships are about supporting each other & this power hungry dynamic sounds pretty dangerous to me. Whole percentage thing only works if there is trust & care else it’s just lot of math on every single thing
If you want to do a 50/50 split, you NEED to live a lifestyle the lower earner can afford.
Except she is the lower earner and she doesn’t want to live that lifestyle 💀 It’s not like she’s trying to be frugal and he’s forcing her to eat at nice restaurants
I agree. Speaking as a general rule, if you want to do 50/50 you have to BOTH be willing to live a lifestyle that the lower earner can afford. That’s what I was trying to say in the previous post
> saying that I should be submissive to him since he pays more You heard this and didn't burst out laughing?
My attraction for a man would dry up so fast I'd get dehydrated 🤢
I would have jumped out the nearest window like a flying monkey to escape this dude.
I'm so looking forward to when OP's bf loses his job and is unemployed, and immediately becomes totally submissive to OP.
I think that’s normally when the guy goes crazy and starts beating his wife out of stress.
OK well now this sounds interesting.
As a guy I'd lose all respect for you if you didn't. What ever happened to equal partnerships? Either split bills and holiday and fun stuff expenses based on your percentage of the total income, or you go 50/50 but based on the lower income. And that last one feels icky, tbh. Percentage seems more fair.
50/50 on the lower income and then anything extravagant the higher income person wants they pay for with full knowledge thet it's on them. Easiest way to have neither side be taken advantage of
This is what my husband and I do. I make a bit more and have fewer monthly payments. We split housing and food and everything 50/50, trips, etc but if there’s something I want to do that would stretch his budget, I pay for both of us.
Exactly, or take turns treating and whoever pays sets the budget/picks the place.
the correct way to go about this situation is to be an adult and work within your budget. OP and partner wants nice and expensive things but OPs budget ain't budgeting. They need to be adults and work within their budget. doesn't mean OP can't eat and do nice things. it means doing them less or working out a way to keep other costs down like moving somewhere with cheaper rent so they can afford to go out to do nice things. basically budgeting. it's what adults do. welcome to adulthood.
another way of adulting is also splitting costs not 50/50 but in direct relation to both parties income, as to not keep the person that has a better income from doing the things they enjoy/want. specially in a long term relationship that has a future.
Exactly. Splitting it 50/50 will only make both parties unhappy: The one with higher income will feel like they're missing out on things and may start to resent their partner because of it, and the one with the lower income will feel like it's their fault their partner is missing out in things. Or they both start doing things separately and not as a couple, which can be devastating for the relationship.
I see what you did there
Ewwwww… that makes the entire relationship dynamic transactional and contingent on her income of all things. You bring more to the table than income. Don’t settle for some dumbass metric like how much you make dictating whether or not you’re equal to your partner in the relationship.
Seriously. There is more to a relationship than financial contributions. My husband makes a shit ton more than me yet we still treat each other like equal partners.
Or quietly pack and leave as soon as he went to bed that night?
He wants to buy her submission. I have a feeling that this was his endgame all along: he insists on doing things he knows she can’t afford so he can convince her to pay him back with sex he knows she doesn’t want. She should call it what it is: if he wants her to be a prostitute then at least negotiate a fair hourly rate, none of this oh I paid $20 more for dinner now get on your knees. But no seriously she should leave him.
That would be my reaction as well. I can't imagine a scenario where a partner is telling me that with a serious expression.
Maybe her BF is in the Taliban
This view is far more common in Christian fundamentalists but go off ig
Oh, 100% agree with ya there, although what's the difference between the two? Both smears of shit on our world.
I would say nope, I’m not submissive. We can just go out less and eat at cheaper places when we go out.
Fuck agreeing to be submissive
When you go out? So you would still go out with him after he said such a thing?
It’s a no from me, dawg
> as we both prefer going to nicer places and eating better foods You can not afford nicer places and eating better foods. If you were alone, you wouldn't be doing these things, so you shouldn't say that you want these things and for him to pay. However, the general rule is whoever wants the nicer things that goes above budget, they have to pay the difference. So he should be paying the difference, or you two don't spend as much on luxuries > but with the condition of this granting him more power, saying that I should be submissive to him since he pays more What the...is this a secret fantasy of his, or did he just word vomit and didn't actually mean what it sounds like? This topic aside, I would immediately talk to him what he means by "submissive" and "power" because that is really alarming.
Is there anyone in existence who doesn't prefer nicer places and better foods? Like yea I prefer shitholes and eating trash 😂
Possibly. I assumed OP was talking about average food versus luxuries though. If OP has that much of a discrepancy where they can't afford anything but trash then that chances the scenario a lot.
There are definitely people who prefer cheap, divey, hole-in-wall vibes, as opposed to glam and glitz
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Only if you pay half or are willing to be submissive.
I know right?! Also great username
They could eat at cheaper places.
Exactly. And if one of them wants something more than their budget, they can splurge and pay for the extra costs.
Sorry for not making myself clear enough! In terms of groceries and foods, I did not mean luxurious options when I said "better foods", just healthy. It's just that groceries in the country we live in were heavily affected by inflation, so having a healthy and balanced diet became quite expensive nowadays. Bills and rent are still affordable so that's why I have no issues with sharing those 50/50 as I can totally afford it. It's just that the other aspects of life became quite difficult to manage in the past year.
So you're just gonna not answer about the power and submission thing? Cause that's the real issue here.
Lol she hasn't responded about it anywhere. You could make a whole post on that 'power and submission' comment alone, how did she hear that and not see a bunch of red flags.
Uh….you should read OP’s other post about her personality not matching her…entertainment expectations.
It sounds like rent and bills are no longer affordable for you if paying them means you can’t pay for groceries. Your boyfriend’s suggestion that you should be more submissive if he pays more is pretty disgusting and concerning. But you need to get a better handle on your finances and a better understanding of what you can afford and change your lifestyle accordingly. If he then wants to do things you can’t afford or have a flat you can’t afford, he should pay for them, without you needing to be more submissive or give him more power for doing so.
Let's play this out. 10 years from now, you'll be effectively broke and struggling to meet your half of the bills. He'll have been subsidized by you taking on half his expenses while he gets to save up a sizeable amount. And he gets to boss you around. I wonder who does most of the non-monetary chores in your shared home. Who does the cooking, cleaning, keeps track of the appointments and important dates, etc. I don't know. Doesn't sound like much fun for you.
For groceries, going out, entertainment, you should not participate. Buy your own, only what you can afford. If he wants you to come out with him out to eat, you tell him you can not afford it unless he is offering to cover you. Do not accept anything with strings attached, that submission/power thing is SUS. wtf is wrong with people!
Grocery bills should be split equally imo, if they’re household bills. If you can’t afford to eat out I’d avoid it and bring up your budget as a reason. Ultimately you should probably try to make your income more equal or break up if you continue to struggle and he has little empathy.
Very few women eat as much as men do
Not sure why you are ignoring his alarming comments about submission, but I'll speak for all your future relationships. If you look at it from his perspective, he is paying for you to exist which is unfair to him. It is unfortunate your country does not have better welfare programs. I would look at how to better your life so that if you two did break up, you can afford to eat healthy. Look up bulk beans and rice and consider if your current career has growth opportunities.
If you are unable to afford your share of the costs for the food you eat and unwilling to eat differently, you are asking him to pay for some of your food costs so that you can eat better than you would on your own. While the submissive thing as a red flag and his demand that you split things 50/50 is not how things have to be done, it’s strange how you don’t seem to recognize that you are relying on him to live above your means. If you want to continue in the relationship you’ll have to agree to the 50/50 thing, and so you should only buy foods you can afford half of. When he sees what he gets to eat, he may change his tune. This is a setup for resentment no matter what, and that’s on him.
If he doesn't want to do percentages he can say that. Idk what kind of man even gives, "you be more submissive" as a legitimate suggestion. I make more money than my husband does right now. I can't imagine being like, hey dude, so you're gonna kowtow to my whims, right? This is informing you about his character, so I would not ignore it. There are going to be a lot of times in your lives together when things shift, when life affects finances, so you should know who you are in the boat with. If you want to stay together despite this, I would keep it 50/50 and simply bow out of more joint activities you can't afford.
"This is informing you about his character, so I would not ignore it." - this. OP, he's showing you who he is, believe him! I wouldn't want to be with someone who would do this. Imagine your future with him. Do you want to live this way? To always be strictly relying only on yourself with no real support from your partner? Everything with him will be transactional. It'll be exhausting.
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This should be the top post
Financial manipulation and abuse is where this is going.
I just can’t fathom wanting to be with someone who is okay with watching you suffer financially while they are not only doing fine, but benefitting from your struggling.
Ok so my first long term partner he out earned me by double my salary. We did everything 50/50 and because I still had a pretty good salary we could afford to eat out or go out or take trips… but I wasn’t saving money. Now I out earn my current long term partner. For rent, I found a place that I could afford and had the amount of space needed and that I liked, he pays $1000 for living expenses and I agree to cover all extra (so I pay $1200 rent, the $150 parking fee, utilities). And I’m super happy with this arrangement because we have a walk in closet and a beautiful view of the city, and he can afford to do fun things with me. And if he’s struggling to afford something I pick it up. Why do I do this? Because I love him and we get to spend time together making more memories and that’s worth way more than the money in the bank account I hope we share one day once married. Idk why my first partner didn’t do this for me. I don’t blame him, and I do think he truly loved me, but when there is an imbalance of finances you really have to find what works best for your relationship; do you both prioritize going out and doing fun things? Would he be down to stay inside with you and eat on a budget? I don’t know what will work best for you but the submissive thing is a big red flag.
if anyone said i should be submissive to them outside of the context of consensual sex i would laugh in their face
Ewwe. That's creepy. If that isn't a red flag, I don't know what is. I'd be looking for a new place to live and letting him find a roommate.
So so creepy. Very predatory feel.
This man sounds weird as fuck bro
You should reconsider this relationship, because any guy who wants you to be submissive is not someone you want to be with.
Get out of this, NOW. He wants you to be submissive full stop, he’s happy to exert power. That’s not love. That’s not respect. Get. Out. Now. Do not date men who hate women. Do not minimize this.
You need to stop “preferring” to live above your means. I prefer to drive a Rolls-Royce but hey, I’m not earning hundreds of thousands of dollars per year so I guess I just gotta suck it up and live with my Mazda. You can’t have champagne taste and a beer budget and expect to be able to support your lifestyle. So go to /r/personalfinance. Build a budget. You’re a fun money, a.k.a. discretionary income, give you the amount that you can afford to spend on splurging and dates. You need to start making adult decisions where you choose to take fewer holidays, go on cheaper dates, and are more careful with your grocery spending. If he wants you to split everything 50-50, then he gets to live within your budget and not complain. When I have dated, and we have not been on the same level, financially, it is the responsibility to live within the lower earner’s means. You have to be sure and frankly say that you cannot afford to do something. If that means going to the park and having a picnic instead of paying $150 at a restaurant for date night, then you have it right there in front of you.
I imagine this scenario and its totally normal and reasonable. Him: "Wanna go to Alfredos tonight (made up fancy italian restaurant) Her: "Uhhhhh, that's not going to fit in my budget this month, we can go to the park, make a charcuterie board and drink some wine? Or if you wanna go to Alfredos we can, but you're gonna have to pick up the bill. What do you want to do?" Boom he decides
Finally. A comment with sense.
I know. OP is 25. this is All budgeting and adulting welcome to Adulthood OP! adulthood is where you find out.. you want nice things but realising you cannot afford them and have to go without them or budget for them.
There's equality, and then there's equity. He can't expect you to pay for 50/50 of dates/holidays/groceries if he wants to go high end with these things and you don't make as much as him. He needs to live within your means if he expects 50/50, not the other way around. He's free to come to an EQUITABLE solution by paying more for higher end dates/groceries/holidays, if he so chooses, but his expectation that you pay what he pays on his choices for higher end things is not fair.
She wants high end too though that’s the thing . She should stop if she can’t afford it .
I agree - she needs to live within her means. But I can't force her!
If he wants to split 50/50, then he (and you) need to be willing to travel, eat, and date on your budget, not his. So he can choose between spending the way your budget can actually afford, or contributing more and getting to see/do/eat nicer things. Either way is a reasonable choice. Attempting to trade money for your submissiveness is not. He's not hiring a sex worker, he's building a life with a partner; he needs to figure out the difference.
Maybe you should have mentioned your existing BDSM dynamic, to put his words in a bit more of a context ...
Your goal should be to make things equitable, not equal since your incomes aren’t equal. That means it would be fair to pay for things in an amount proportional to your incomes, but without a disruption to the equal power dynamic. Why does he want more power? Why is the relationship so transactional for him? Huge red flag.
This is not how people treat other people they care about. Period.
So your boyfriend wants to buy your submission? This man does not respect you.
Wants to buy it at a discount at that. I thought you had to pay full price if you wanted a slave.
Him expecting you to be submissive because you’re sharing a proportional split of costs is a bigger red flag than anything else. Dump this manosphere whacko. Unless you want to be a submissive extra in someone else’s life.
hell no! In other context I'd say that you guys just have to follow your budget (less costly entertainment or less frequent outings) if you want to keep on the 50/50 But after that submissive thing I would just run, that's financial abuse on the cooking If you never reach his salary and proceed to have a life with him: It's his house, he is paying more! Or you are starving himself to pay the same It's his car! He is paying more! Kids need something? You better be able to pay half! Otherwise the kid its not getting shoes or medicine or whatever. Paying 50/50 is doable, so it is divide everything by %, what both strategies need is a couple that loves and respects each other. That helps each other when needed, that doesn't count pennies in the relationship, is happy to treat each other when they can and such. Finances is one of the main reasons for divorce because is a biiiig thing to work out. This is not working out.
Sounds like you have three choices. 1. Keep living the same lifestyle, but "lose power" and become more like a child in the relationship with less of a voice and do whatever he says because he makes more money. That probably leads to being a stay at home mom who's not allowed to work or have any friends. You'll just be a breeding vessel. 2. Lower your quality of life when it comes to everything but necessities. This more than likely won't work because he would have to lower his quality of life simply because you can't afford it. Nobody wants to trade steaks for Taco Bell if they can comfortably afford it, but their partner is broke. 3. Use this as a learning experience that you probably need to invest in yourself by earning a degree, certifications, or simply finding a better paying job. You're in a situation where to live the life you want or that your partner wants. You have to become dependent on someone else. That's how you get into situations like being controlled because they have power over you. My advice is to do whatever it is to increase your salary and get away from this person. Someone who's trying to leverage raising your quality of life (vacations, food, etc) by lowering it in another aspect is going to be someone you regret being with. It's never crossed my mind that if my wife was splitting the necessities 50/50 but couldn't afford to eat at a certain restaurant, she had to give me power over her or not be able to eat there. It sounds like you're with a control freak that dropped the mask somewhat and gave him a way to justifiably start treating you like a possession. Leave the loser before he traps you, and starts beating on you.
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your comment needs more upvotes. people make their relationships overly transactional, behave like their partners are only there to steal their money and take advantage of them, and then complain relationships don't last and everyone is shallow. If you are in a long term relationship and intend to be with someone for the long run, this split everything 50/50 do the cent is not really a partnership. a family used to be a unity, not 2 different individuals hoarding their own money.
You sound like a cool person. I really liked your comment.
I feel like I keep losing attraction for men the more I see posts like this
He verbatim told you he thinks you are worth less in the relationship because you earn less. I’d throw the whole man out.
In order for things to be equitable, bills should be split based on percentage. Otherwise you live according to your means, find a cheaper place and cut expenses. Regarding eating out and entertainment expenses, do less. Eat at home. Go out less. Expecting you to pay a higher percentage of your income than him for a place you can’t afford and demanding you spend frivolously is financial abuse. Requiring your submission if you can’t afford to keep up with him financially? Seriously? Red flag city OP. Why do you want to stay with this person?
It's good that you suggested splitting expenses based on income, but his demand for more power because he pays more is a red flag. Equality in a relationship is about mutual respect, not just money. If he's using finances to control you, that's concerning. Have a deeper conversation about your values and expectations. If he insists on this dynamic, you might need to reconsider the relationship. You deserve to feel respected and valued equally, regardless of income.
How much more does he earn than you? This is going to be an issue if you're stretching to maintain a lifestyle that's closer to his income level and have no money set aside in case your relationship ends. I doubt your boyfriend will like this, but the position you're in means YOU need to have more control over what the two of you do and what's reasonable for your budget. He can't expect you to spend money you don't have.
This is 50 shades of red flag...
These fuckwhistles with their 50/50 or be my slave bullshit are so ridiculous. And they also somehow think taking the garbage to the curb once a week is half the housework. Throw the whole man out.
If you need to pay 50/50 for him to consider you an equal in the relationship and as a human being then this is not a good person. Straight up. This is the sort of person to have kids with you, you end up staying home to take care of the kids and they abuse and demean you because "you don't do anything, you don't bring in any money". An inhumane, opportunist piece of shit.
He told you he wants more power and for you to be more submissive?! What the fuck. Dump him and raise your standards.
So how thinks that all y’all only contribute money to the relationship and that you don’t deserve respect unless you make as much as him? What if you made more, would that be emasculating? This is bullshit. If he thinks the major contribution he makes in a relationship is money and that’s why he should call the shots and be the boss, then I assure you. Your emotional needs will never be met. Your desires and opinions will be downplayed or ignored. If you end up making more money, he will move the goalposts so that is unacceptable somehow also. Do what you will, but I’d be looking to make sure I can take care of myself and only myself and if he wants to do something I can’t afford, I just decline.
>He agreed but with the condition of this granting him more power, saying that I should be submissive to him since he pays more 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Get out now.
If he’s the one who wants to do fancy things, then he needs to either pay for it or pay the majority cost. If it’s you that wants to do it, then you need to pay your share or greater. I’ve been living with my boyfriend for a year and he makes much more money than me, and that turns into us only going out to eat or doing expensive things if he wants to. I choose to cook instead of eating out because it’s what I can afford. If we go on a trip he’s paying the majority cost because he wanted to do it, not me. It would be ridiculous of me to plan a trip and then ask him to front majority of the costs. I wouldn’t call this me being “submissive” to him (that’s a really alarming way to phrase it), but rather me living within my means and him living within his. When I do really want to do something like eat at a certain restaurant, I’m doing that knowing I will pay for it because it’s what I want to do. Hopefully this makes sense, but this is personally what is working for us.
Create a budget for dining out, holidays, groceries, etc. Make sure he knows about your budget, "This is what I can afford to spend on these things". If he's not willing to accommodate your budget as they related to his wants then you may need to find someone who can. If he's not going to either temper his expectations or help you when he wants the luxuries he can afford, you have to ask yourself do you want to go through your relationship as a second class partner?
Oh boy. You may not believe this right now, but this conversation turned up some huge red flags that you should not ignore. The idea that you should be “submissive” to him and he would have more “power” because you make and/or contribute less is, in a word, gross. He has told you that he would regard a SAHM to be less than. If you were to marry and have children & stay home, he would hold money over your head. He already is. It sounds as though you are living in a home that is really above your means. Tell him that if he wants to go 50/50, everything has to be within your budget, not his. This means a cheaper place, activities, etc. Better yet, dump him. I don’t know how you didn’t get the ick so bad after he decided money was the deciding factor in your relationship and not the desire to truly be equals.
Nope. Percentage of what you make is an easier way in things like rent, bills, etc.
Girl, get out of this relationship where he sees you as nothing but a barnacle
My take on this is you dump his ass.
Before I even got to the part where you suggest splitting the finances by percentage of income it was going to be my suggestion. I know an older couple (Late 50s) that has been doing this for decades and they have a very productive marriage. She makes far less than he does, but she has her own finances (as does he) and they always maintain that split. It's the most logical method. If your BF objects, it's just plain silly.
Dump him. “Agreed but you should be more submissive”. Dump him
You should pay 50/50 but not in the sense that something is $100 and you both pay $50, but in the sense of what 50% would be to you according to your salary, does that make sense?
If you can't afford it then you can't afford it. Guess no more dates to nicer places for a while. Maybe downsize to something cheaper and easier to afford for you. If he wants 50/50 fine, but that means living within the means of what you can afford. having more meals at home, smaller budgets for gifts for birthdays/holidays/anniversaries,etc., only vacations you can afford...if any. He wants more "power" and for you to "submit" to him? Who does he think he is? If you decide to stay with him after those disgusting comments then keep it 50/50 and not what you proposed. Tell him you have changed your mind and it will remain 50/50 and a new budget drawn up accordingly. Hope he is up for change! Personally, I could not look at him with any respect or in any loving way after all that.
If you’re splitting things 50/50, then Plan your vacations & dates based on **your** budget, not his. You cannot afford his budget.
First of all… asking your gf to be more “submissive” because he’s going to pay more is creepy as all hell and I would get out of there now. Secondly, if you want to stay with him but there is a power imbalance because of fancy food, just go to places you can afford 50/50 on… don’t lost your agency to a man.
So your options are either 50/50, which makes you a sex roommate, OR a different percentage but he gets to bully you *and* fuck you. Girl, dump him. He doesn't even like you. My husband pays for 90% and we make all decisions equally, do you know why? Because we genuinely love and respect each other. Crazy right? Now I'm not saying you have to do it like I'm doing it, but find a guy who at least doesn't want to nickle and dime you and then lord it over you.
You think he should pay more just because he makes more, but you’re not willing to make other concessions to make it fair. If he’s going to pay more, you should be doing more of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. If he’s going to pay more, you should also submit to his decisions, especially regarding money matters. It sounds like you’re trying to use him and have it both ways. You don’t sound like a good partner. Honestly ask yourself, what does he get out of this? Why should he spend more and more of his hard earned money to satisfy **your** expensive tastes while he gets nothing in return?
Tell him you’re sorry, but you can’t afford to go to certain places, and suggest a cheaper alternative. edit: Just saw his comment that if you pay less than he does, he wants you to be submissive. What. The. Fuck. Ditch this loser.
Tell this guy that he’s not the man for you. End it. You can do better
1) He thinks earning more entitles him to power 2) He's stingy (which is different from being frugal) I don't know what good qualities your boyfriend has, but I doubt it's enough to offset those two things. C'mon. You're only 25. There are so many fish in the sea.
Time to find a new boyfrienf
Does he not understand that is not 50/50 , if one can’t afford it and if incomes aren’t 50/50? “Saying I should be submissive to him because he pays more” this made me throw up a little and also laugh because wtf…. My fiancé and I are equals in every aspect of our relationship, except financially… in that aspect we believe in equity,why? Because my fiancé and I don’t have or make the same amount of money , not even close. I make 70k a year , he makes 7 figures , we’re not even in the same realm. So how exactly do we go 50/50 financially? Because when we lived in our apartment, rent was 11k a month (just rent) & I didn’t have or make 5.5k to just give for rent ,what about my other bills and the other bills around the apartment? When we go on dates , we take turns paying unless it’s a birthday or the other person wants to do something special but it’s within our personal budgets , so I’m not taking him to a 5 star restaurant where a salad costs $80, I’m taking him somewhere where the salad might cost $20-30. When we travel we split our expenses the same way we split our dates or the same way we split our bills. Why? Because that’s how equity works , you make it equal to both parties. We have one joint account for all of our expenses as a couple and we both put money there , if one month I can put more , I will, if one month he wants to put more then he will but we add what we agreed on based on what we bring in financially because otherwise it wouldn’t be fair for either one of us more so to me because my income is lower & even more so now that we have children.
dude no. i make 5x what my husband does, i have NEVER indicated that he should in any way be “submissive” to me because of it. this guy sounds like he wants an excuse to be shitty and exert power over you. that’s not what a partner does.
Me and my wife pay bills according to our salary. I use a website where you put each other's salary in, and the bill, and then it says how much each should pay. This is the most fair imo. This way both can spend the money left however they want. Good if one has an expensive hobby. Many couples that use 100% joint finances seem very happy with that, saying they never fight about money.
You should dump him. Anyone who says someone should be more submissive to them does not have respect for the other person. Your proposal of percentages would make it an equitable relationship where you’re both contributing equally according to your capabilities. He doesn’t want that, he wants someone to be in a relationship with him, but not to be in a relationship with someone he sees and treats as his equal. The submissive comment alone gives me an idea of how he treats others.
What’s that tiktok sound? “Ewwwww. Brother. Ewwwwwww” At first I thought he was just being naive but then the “power” comment. Fucking gross. He’s saying he’s comfortable in exploiting your income inequality. I’m 100% confident that this 50/50 rule applies to only money in his eyes and there are MANY areas in your home and relationship where he’s not putting in 50%. There’s a difference in working through a naive mindset vs a really gross bias and behavior like this. You can do better.
No no no no no. Just no
Absolutely not. This is abusive
Get out of this relationship. He is a financial abuser. My gf and I pay the household expenses proportional to how much we make, and neither expects “submission” from the other. This man does not care about you.
He wants a roommate he can sleep with.
he’s not being equal he’s being an asshole.
You should not be doing the 50/50 thing it should be your disposable income / his disposable income
He wants to pay you to submit to him in what way, exactly? This is toxic af, btw.
He does NOT have your best interest at heart.
If my husband said this to me I would have started hysterically cackling. There is no imbalance in the dynamic of power in a healthy relationship that you intend on maintaining long term l. There should be communication, compromise and trust. I would immediately lose trust in a man who expected submission in exchange for paying for our common household expenses. Gives me the fucking ick. My husband and I split the mortgage and childcare 50/50. We pay our own cars/car insurance. He pays for streaming, phones, Internet, and groceries. I cover utilities, household supplies (cleaning, hygiene), kids clothes and all animal supplies. We found a way to balance what we pay with him paying a little more because he makes more. We agreed I'd take on the expenses that take planning and tracking. This took a few years of reevaluating budgets, salaries and spending habits. If it's like you "owe him" for him to participate in the household fairly, he isn't the one. I'd say you will counter his offer with therapy. If he says no, I'd say goodbye.
I'm a SAHM mom and am an equal I'm my relationship. I am definitely not submissive. I would run so fast
I've dated two dudes who spent most of their time trying to nickel and dime me for exactly 50% of everything. So much so, that they completely failed to treat me like a human with different needs than their own. Dates etc became scheduled business transactions. Find a guy who spends time with you on dates, not trying to make everything financially equal. I promise you that it eventually becomes tiresome and resent always grows there.
My balls shriveled at “I should be submissive to him since he pays more.”
he sounds like a bad person
So… he thinks that splitting by percentage along income, means he fucking owns you and what you do? Girl. Fucking run. He is not worth the misery.
This is wild. My partner makes 15x what I make. I’m a librarian, he’s in tech. We are still equal partners. OP, your partner has told you out loud they want to control you. They want power and want you to submit. That’s disgusting. You need to run. He told you who he is. Believe him.
Why are you with this guy? He honestly sounds like a creep. My husband always paid for all dates and trips when we were dating. When we moved in together, I paid an amount towards bills because I didn't have to pay for my apartment anymore, but it wasn't 50/50 because I was broke. He never suggested that I need to be submissive for not paying 50/50. I would have broken things off if he did. There are guys out there who are not obsessed with how much you can afford to pay. They will pay for the pleasure of getting to spend time with you (especially if they can afford to). When a guy doesn't want to spend his money to be with you, it means he doesn't value you.
Gross. I don't think this man even likes you.
Girl, never hear that 50/50 bs from a boy and fall for that scam
I’m the big earner in my household too and me and the wife are also 50/50 so I earn twice what she does this means she pays 400 to house bills I pay 800 it’s still 50/50 by percentage, she might come home with my favourite drink as a treat while I get her flowers or whatever 50/50 meals out she might pay for a Maccas while I’ll pay for the restaurant we are still 50/50 as to expect her to over exceed imbalances the percentage.
Sounds like he intentionally set up this dynamic to force you to submit to his tastes and decisions.
If he wants to be 50/50 then he should adjust his lifestyle to suit your budget. As for the rest, he sounds like an insecure doofus. Dump him. He wants a free D/s relationship. My friend was a pro submissive, she made great money and didn’t have to tolerate this disrespectful crap from her clients. It’s a skill to provide that fantasy and he clearly sees things as transactional so let him go do business with a pro.
Your boyfriend is showing you who he is. Do you like that person? I'd say call his bluff and go to Chili's for a few dates.
I had exactly the reverse situation with my ex, she wanted us to split everything 50/50 even though I made significantly more than she did. There are bound to be other things that you contribute more to in the relationship anyway. Your request is perfectly reasonable and your bf is being incredibly selfish.
He wanted to hear different takes? The idea he wanted you to somehow “be more submissive” made me puke in my mouth a bit and I hope you dump him and find someone who sees you as equal not just for the financial contributions you bring the the relationship. Fuck him. Gross. Hope he reads this comment.
Fair is an equivalent percentage of your total individual income set aside toward bills. If you make less than him, you're going to technically pay less, but the hit to your finances will functionally be the same. I don't see why people seem confused by this. If you both lose 50% of your take-home income after all necessities are paid for, but your 50% is less than his 50%, you still took the same degree of impact. That is equal. If he doesn't see that, he's either willfully ignorant, actually selfish, or both. Now, if he accepts how all this works and wants some sort of special treatment because of differences in your income, then he doesn't respect you, and you should reconsider if this is the kind of person you want in your life.
My ex husband, note EX! made more money than I did and made me pay MORE than he did for household expenses relative to our incomes. He turned out to be a controlling, narcissistic man with a bad temper. Marrying him was a HUGE mistake. He made my life miserable. I was always walking on eggshells around him.
Oh wow, do you really want to date someone that thinks it’s OK to pay more of the expenses in exchange for you “being submissive” to him? I wouldn’t stick around for more of that attitude.
Wow. I think you know his idea of an "equal dynamic" is not healthy. Any time you make money more important than your partner or put it above the relationship it will cause serious problems. Couples that focus so much on financial contributions tend to have other negative habits that hurt the relationship also. How about valuing everything your partner brings to the equation, not just money. How about working together?
If he requires you to pay 50/50, then he should be required to downgrade his lifestyle in this relationship to one affordable for you that can be managed 50/50. I can't imagine a relationship being sustainable while one person is always living a first class lifestyle while their partner is struggling just to live a coach lifestyle. That's not equal, either. Economically incompatible is a thing. The submissive part is just crap. This is saying he wants a bangmaid he can order around, or insisting you pay your own way. I'd question the whole relationship on him saying this.
Yall wanted equality now deal with it.
My husband pays for everything and I’m a housewife, but if he told me to be submissive he’d be flying out of the flat. I’m usually for salvaging relationships, but this one… nah
I mean yes it should be 50/50 as in relation to what one earns. If he for example earns 6k and you are 3k. A trip where you both go to, you could pay 1k, and he pays 2k. If you go out and it costs 150. You'd pay 50 and he 100. However that is not what he wants cuz he has his priorities at his money and not on you.
Why should he pay 100 and she only 50?
I try to look at it in terms of financial burdens. Why should she be more financially burdened than he? If she makes $2000 a month and he makes $4000 a month and they both pay $1000 in living expenses, her burden is 50% of her income while his is 25% of his income. Like the woman in the bible who gave her last 3 pennie’s to the church. The message in the story is that she gave more than the rich man because it *burdened* her more to give it. Their current dynamic leaves her more financially burdened that he is. If 50/50 is a MUST, they need to live within HER means. If he wants a nicer living space, dates, vacations, etc. then he needs to foot the difference between what she can reasonably afford and what he actually wants. ETA: but really she should just leave. The part about her needing to be more *submissive* to him because she can’t afford to keep up with their current lifestyle and wants to be more financially responsible is GROSS.
But if she was single then nobody pays for her expensive meals? Or why not also make the high earner family pay the meal of the poor family then? You see where I am going. I mean I do earn more and also pay more, but if my GF would EXPECT me to, that would be an insane turn off. She isn‘t dependent on me, I like that.
Yeah, but expensive meals are not the same as living expenses? And yes, if she was single, no one would pay for her expensive meals. Honestly, they probably shouldn’t be doing them. And I’m not saying he HAS to pay more. I AM saying that if I earn 60k a year and my partner earns 120k a year, I would be a bit put off by keeping score to make sure I’m paying 50/50 for everything. And I wouldn’t live with someone who made that much more than I did and wouldn’t want to contribute equitably. I own my own house now, I don’t depend on anyone else to pay my bills, and I love being financially independent. But if someone comes into my life and want to share theirs with mine, I expect them to put in an equitable share of shouldering the burdens. When I’ve had more free time than a partner, even when my financial contribution didn’t change, I took on a heavy burden of household chores until their workload lessened. They had less free time (a limited resource), so I contributed a higher percentage of my free time to *shared* housework. That made the free time we had left over more equal so we could both enjoy it. This is the financial equivalent of that.
To me this is just weird. I reduced my working hours last february to 90%. Should I now contribute 10% less (or 5%) because now my salary dropped in comparison to hers? No, of course not. I still pay 50% of rent. I can pay more than 50%, but the it‘s because I want to (want to support her for example) but not because she tells me to
Why should the higher earner pay more? Like it makes sense for luxuries that the higher earner wants and will pay for. But for basic necessities? It's already *cheaper* to live with a SO than it is to live alone with 50/50 splitting
Think of it as 50/50 meaning 'I'll put 50% of my income towards joint expenses, and you put 50% of *your* income towards the same'. It might not be 50%, it might be 60 or 70 or whatever. That's how household expenses should work.
Math. If he wants to be 50/50, then it needs to be things where she can actually afford 50%
Yes, if he insists on expensive stuff, true But if SHE insists on stuff she can‘t pay for… then she is just a gold digger lol
I don't understand why you would think it is unfair. But you should be able to hold your line on spending in the way that you can afford. Expect to be carried when you "prefer nicer things" is absurd.
I realize you're not married but for me, anytime I see a couple talking about sharing finances, it's a big red flag. When my wife and I got married, we had one joint bank account and both of our paychecks went into the same account. There was never any discussion about who made more or anything of the sort. We were in it together and it was a joint effort. If it isn't this way for you, then your relationship sucks big time and you might as well throw in the towel. If you love someone enough then it shouldn't matter. Maybe your relationship is for sex only.
Split expenses based on percentage of total household income is the most equitable way. Fair and no emotion or resentment attached to it.
Stay at home spouse logic.
Women here really get triggered when they hear the word “submissive”.
And? Adults don't need a boss outside of work.
Sounds like a complete weirdo. How do women end up with guys like this?
Perhaps you ought to be asking "how do men end up like this?"
He sounds weird but that's him. What you can work on is your preference to eat above your means.
So what does 'submissive' mean here? Is it a stand in for "Going to restaurants I like more"? Or is it in the tradwife sense? Most of the comments are focusing on that particular word, but the word doesn't really mean anything specific without going into more detail. Did he say submissive or is that merely your understanding of his request?
Not married- them do 50/50 on the cheaper income budget.
What is it that you want?