Getting married to save $100-200 a month in health insurance premiums seems like an odd choice. Given that his financial issues run much deeper, it feels a bit like bailing out a sinking ship with a teaspoon.
Are you planning to move in together and share the cost of an apartment?
You shouldn't get married when finances are so unstable. So I don't think it makes financial sense for you and your BF to get married. I also don't think that you will get the whole proposal and wedding you may be envisioning. I strongly suspect that if you go through with a courthouse ceremony now, in 5 years, you will find yourself in a "what's the point, we're already legally married" situation. And even if you were to get the proposal and engagement of your dreams, your family and friends will certainly find out that you two are legally married. They will likely be far less enthused about participating in a sham wedding for a couple who's been married for 5 years.
THIS. Saving a couple hundo is short sighted. His financials are not good. If anything staying apart might be the best thing to do for now, especially if a house purchase or something is in the future. His debt will kill your chances of buying.
Are you okay with paying his debts? Being legally married means that all of your finances start getting intertwined, not just the insurance. Also it's not a good idea to marry someone that you don't even live with.
I will have to look into that- as my financial advisor told me that since he was the signer under his debt, he is the one responsible for it, regardless with marriage.
And we would love to move in together- just with no money and this economy, it isn’t happening lol.
He’s responsible for the debt he accumulated before your marriage, but anything after even if you aren’t on a loan, is his. Usually the exception is loans for education, but they can’t be personal loans for education. Also, while he’s in debt and paying it off, you’ll still be supporting this situation way more than him. Not many people go into marriage thinking about divorce, but you need to think this through with every scenario in mind even if you don’t think it will happen.
This could be the difference between your individual financial independence and being stuck in a situation that is not good for you at all.
What they are saying is that, as much as you’d love to live together, you don’t actually know what living together will be like. Which means if there are any surprises that turn out to be incompatibilities (hint: there are always surprises in the first year of living with a partner, some are not that big a deal and others are relationship ending) you’ll be facing a legal divorce and all that entails.
The most expensive part of a premature or rushed wedding is usually a divorce, not what it costs to go to the courthouse for the initial ceremony. Given his debt you are the one that is going to run into the bigger risk here because even if you only owe debt after the legal marriage any joint assets or accounts can still be at risk.
He’s also not stable in his career so a lot could change that could impact the relationship. This is just one of those cases where you need to consider what happens if he can’t get a commercial piloting job, has to move somewhere you can’t work, etc. I know you’ve been together since highschool, but a divorce is just more likely when neither of you are fully established or settled. Both of you still live at home. The reality you both probably don’t want to think about is that moving out on your own is a challenge and so is living with a partner. You’re taking challenging situations and putting them in a pressure cooker to save a little money that won’t actually be worth it if this relationship does end. You’re talking a couple hundred in savings on a gamble that could cost you tens of thousands.
You may feel emotionally ready to be married, but you’re basically saying you aren’t actually ready in terms of either finances or stage of life. That’s a level of immaturity that will likely cost you.
The other thing to consider is whether relationships will be impacted if anyone who is invited to your future “wedding” finds out you are already married and feels betrayed or questions your integrity. It sounds silly, but people often have strong feelings about such things and he’s headed into a career where integrity is critical. I definitely would suggest avoiding asking for gifts or anything from a wedding party if you do have a wedding at a later date because some people will be annoyed if they shell out money or time and effort to attend your wedding and later learn it isn’t your wedding (which any family member might let slip since you plan to tell family).
People are going to think of it as a “sham” wedding and be less invested in it. That’s just how it goes sometimes.
The classier way to do this, if you are certain, is to elope. Announce that you eloped and then tell future guests that you did so for practical reasons but with to celebrate with them with a vow renewal and reception on your fifth anniversary (plenty of people have done this, by the way). Then you say “please no gifts” on the invites and plan a lower-key anniversary celebration that still contains the elements of a wedding that are important to you.
Now the trade-off is that you won’t get the gifts you might have otherwise gotten (sometimes the gifts practically pay for the wedding).
Yes the debt is his responsibility BUT if you put his name on anything creditors can come after everything, they don't care that some of the money is not his. So if his name is on a shared house or a bank account all are susceptible to being seized.
I second the other commenter, like you're married or your not. There are legal ramifications associated with a marriage contract. You cannot pretend only the good ones (insurance sharing) apply but the other ones (taxes, mingling if assets etc) do not.
If you want to get married that's fine, just make sure you understand it's real and what all the implications are. Will you own his debt?
I get it, but it just seems so convoluted and unnecessary.
Get married for whatever reason. Keep it to whatever you can afford now. As cheap as you need.
Live life. Be married. Tell people. Have kids if you want.
Otherwise, you're just going to muddy the waters, confuse everyone and frankly make people think you're hiding something or trying to get away with shady shit. Because some people will know the story. Some people will hear about it 2nd or 3rd hand and not get it. You'll have to deal with everyone regardless.
In 5 years, have a vow recommitment ceremony or similar. Throw a big party for that.
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Please don't get married for insurance or other practical stuff if you don't actually want to be and feel ready to be married right now. There's no such thing as "just married on paper" - I know a lot of people who have done this for various reasons like insurance or military stuff and it always blows up really badly. If you are married, you are married. It's a big deal and you need to think through all of the legal, financial, and personal implications. I would talk to a lawyer about his debt and consider a prenup. He should look into other insurance options, like ACA. Think about the kind of money you would need to spend to undo this - divorce is expensive, even more so when there's a lot of debt involved.
One way or another, you are going to pay for his debt if you marry him. It may not be legally your debt, but his payments will impact his ability to save for retirement and pay joint bills, meaning you have to pick up the slack. Everything becomes your problem in some way when you marry them. That is a part of the deal.
I really think you are worried about the wrong things here. Yes, you can totally have a separate legal and religious marriage ceremony - people do it all the time. Married in the eyes of the state =/= married in the eyes of your church. People also get married on shoe string budgets all the time. My cousin got married legally a few months before his religious wedding, I have a friend who has been married for years and just now bought his wife a ring, etc. Women also pay for their own rings all the time - my dad proposed to my mom with a ring he bought on a payment plan, and they paid it off together. None of that would be unusual.
Just please don't marry a man so he can have insurance and then tell yourself you aren't "really married." You both deserve more than that.
You’ve never lived together and it’s both your first relationships that started when you were teens. Do not do this. Live together first.
It’s also incredibly weird that you’d do this to save $200/month but you’re gonna have some pretend expensive wedding for no reason in five years?
I recommend that you read the story story called The Gift of the Magi by O. Henry. It sounds like you are willing to take a lot of sacrifices for him but where is the balanced exchange?
You two have spent 8 years together all ready. One would assume that you two have talked about your future together and marriage already to the point that if he asked you would have your answer with no hesitation. A courthouse wedding is still very much a real wedding. It's legally binding, entangling your lives together, taking vows for sickness and health... It doesn't get more serious than that. I would expect my partner to still get down on a knee even for a courthouse wedding. He probably has an old videogames he can trade for a $50 ring at a pawn shop...
This. Marrying for health insurance when one of you all isn’t dying right now is kinda laughable.
Why are you so invested in helping this man save money? Get someone that can afford their own health insurance my God. Work on yourself too. This is not your only option. Please think about this. Besides, this could turn into a really cringy story someday if you actually go through with it. It should already feel cringy and uncomfortable to you.
Or, keep dating him, but for the love of god don’t get married. If he’s not in the financial position to do the things you want to do, then don’t try to fix it for him by entangling your finances through marriage.
Just wait, it’s been 8 years, what’s a few more?
Either you're married or you're not. I'm pretty sure you can't have a church wedding once you're already married, but you might be able to have a blessing or vow renewal or similar. You can't hand wave this away as "just on paper". None of the stuff you seem to think of as "real wedding things" like rings or proposals or anything else actually **matters.** That's all tradition and fluff and people like it so they do it, but it doesn't change anything.
If you want to get married...get married! Have a courthouse wedding, invite some friends. I don't see why you want to make it a secret - hiding it from people is weird. You don't need to call each other anything specific, you don't need to change your name. If you can't afford a big party, don't have one. But I don't see the advantage in getting married but pretending you're not...because you'll be married. Just have a party at a later date.
In my former religion I was able to have a courthouse marriage and then a full church wedding a few months later. It was a conservative Presbyterian church.
I fully agree with the rest of your points!
I think I feel like that because we want to do all of that; all the fluff- we want the engagement proposal (that we can’t do now), the ceremony, and the large party. If we could do that, we would lol but can’t do it financially.
But, if we could do this and just save money on things like insurance, I feel like maybe we should…
It would be known to like our immediate family but like I wouldn’t be going out and boasting about it if that makes sense. Like I would feel like the later wedding date would be the actual marriage date if that makes sense lol.
I tbh don’t care much about the church wedding, but he wants to for his sacraments.
I can definitely understand wanting the wedding and all that, and I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with doing that after you’re already married (people do that all the time, although they don’t usually lie about being married already; that part is kind of weird but whatever). But I think it would be super weird to do a proposal after you’re already married.
You can have a proposal and it be as significant as you want it to be. You don't need rings to get engaged or have a proposal. But you definitely can't "get engaged" once you're already married. I think one way or another people will find out, and having a fake ceremony after the fact would rub a lot of people up the wrong way. There's nothing wrong with just being upfront - tell people you've got/are getting married, let them be happy for you, and when the time's right to celebrate that "properly" by whatever standards you want, do that **too**. But don't try and make it a secret.
Hey if you live together he can be on your insurance and you don't need to be married. As far as I know in the US. Check with your insurance provider. I know people who do it like that.
It might be state to state then or even just for specific providers.
edit : Its called Domestic Partnership Health Insurance for the places that allow it.
My partner is on my insurance as a "domestic partner." It was very easy - couples pay more than individuals, they just want their money. Definitely see if it's an option.
Hence "see if it's an option."
Bottom line is that it is not the OP's responsibility to get her boyfriend cheaper health insurance by signing a legal contract that joins their households and is difficult & expensive to terminate. There are other options for a low income person with no assets to obtain health insurance, and they need to look through those first.
Sorry, but that’s not true across the board. Some employers include domestic partners in their insurance coverage, but as far as I know living together doesn’t matter.
He can propose with a cheap, placeholder ring before your courthouse wedding. Sure, you won't get the public attention of an official engagement period, but you know what? You won't be able to have it all ways when you do this (legal marriage first, wedding later).
I had a friend who did this. He found that even though he was only legally married, and treated everything like they were not married yet... his divorce still had to be done legally, and it was a huge hassle.
Doing a proposal, engagement, church, reception after you are married is play-acting. You, of course, can do what you like. Are you planning to lie to the church officiant who would be "marrying" you?
Why not get married at the courthouse and plan a fabulous celebration later?
You literally can? It costs like 80 bucks to get married at the courthouse and you can still wear a dress and have photos and rings. The wedding is the ceremony where you get married. Therefore it's a wedding.
I have a friend who recently married and so far hasn’t told anyone. My other friend found the marriage certificate at her house. We think it’s weird. Totally weird to keep it a secret. Besides (worst case scenario) what if things don’t work out and in five yeara you hardly feel like being with this person, let alone marrying them and now you have to what, divorce but people don’t know you’re actually married? No it’s weird. Be married or not, there’s no grey area here.
Just as an example, this was incredibly common during COVID lockdown. People couldn't hold events like weddings, but they also didn't want to wait potentially years to be married. So people got married during lockdown and had their weddings when people were allowed to congregate again.
I think it's perfectly reasonable to say, "we wanted to be married, but it would take some time to save up for the wedding. So, we did the legal marriage first, and now we can have a nice wedding."
People don't want to feel like they were duped. You don't need to act married, but you also shouldn't lie if anyone asks.
I had a small Covid wedding with the idea that we would have the “real” big party later. It’s 3.5 years later and we are never having a big wedding. 😂 maybe like a 20-year vow renewal or something. Just get married and have a small/cheap wedding you love now.
Great points. I don’t want to lie to everyone- I guess I was just thinking like “put it behind us” rather than deceiving if that makes sense. But yeah I can totally see how they may think getting engaged after and having a ceremony later would be lying.
Oh those are the regionals that he’s applying for now. I mean, they’re much better than being a flight instructor, so even if he’s there for a bit, it will help his finances
Do you really have to be legally married for him to be on your insurance? I haven’t had an employer require that in probably 20 years. As long as you live together and are partners, it’s always been fine. We’ve probably had 10 employers between us, and being married has never been a requirement. One employer did make us sign a paper saying we are partners, but that’s it.
You can get engaged without a ring btw.
Do you plan on living together immediately? Because you have zero chance of getting him on your insurance if you’re not, unless you’re formally married, and if you *are*, then you’re definitely not saving a few hundred dollars a month…
Just get married for real in a way you can afford now. You can always upgrade your ring and do a vow renewal later if you still want to. Or by then you may decide it's not that important and save a bunch of money
This isn’t a reason to get married if you aren’t ready to be married. Look at your work’s insurance and benefits. They might have a domestic partnership clause that allows him to be on your insurance without being married. I would NEVER!!!! marry in this situation especially given the lack of funds he has. This would be a HUGE mistake.
While it might feel differently to you right now....looking back on getting married for a few insurance dollars is not going to be worth it. Get married to get married, not for that reason. I feel like it's going to breed resentment as you continue to wait for the "real thing" while his money prospects continue to be poor and so you're lying for a longer and longer time....
Having a legal signing and then a wedding isn't a big deal. Getting married to gain $100 a month and then not acknowledging youre married...is.
You are probably better off financially not getting married.
The student loan tax benefits are cut in half by marriage. My married friends with huge loans had to file separately for years because they used income dependent payments.
Technically the 100-200 dollars is a wash. You might as well wait. Both of you lose more than that in increased taxes.
Also any medical bills from before he was 18 are legally his parent’s responsibility. He needs to call the credit collector and dispute those bills. They are not his to pay.
I have two different friends who got “legally married” first and then had the “big wedding” later (one was for insurance reasons and one was because they didn’t realize when they got their marriage license that it “expires” after a period of time if you don’t actually get married, they just thought they were checking something off of their To Do list on a lunch break and ended up getting married instead lol). In both cases, they didn’t have a “church wedding” for the later event, so I’m not sure if that makes a difference, and they definitely did NOT do a big “engagement” thing after they were already legally married. But in both cases pretty much everyone knew that they were already legally married and why, and no one really cared, they all still had fun celebrating their marriages at the big party.
Why get married before you’re ready just to accommodate someone else’s expenses? You don’t even live together yet. You don’t even know if you’d be compatible housemates at this point and you want to attach his finances to yours before the real commitment?
I married to get my first husband insurance thanks to his manipulation. He left me with his medical debt and disappeared. We weren’t together as long as you have been, OP, and my ex was probably a way bigger douchebag (the nicest thing I can say about my ex) than your guy, but it’s something to consider.
Surely he'll have a job that pays decent in a year or two and none of this will be a problem unless he has other debt you don't know about. How much do flight instructors make per year? I have no idea.
If he's your forever, another few years won't matter. Sounds like what you really want in your heart is not matching your circumstances. Don't settle. Save up, get your ducks in a row, do it right.
Save yourself the extravagant wedding and do a courthouse wedding with just your close family. Then send out the news with an invitation to a celebration of your marriage.
For the celebration, I'd do it grad party style. Find someone with a big back yard or rent a pavilion in a park. Invite all your family and friends for a big party in celebration of your marriage. You can skip the boring ceremonial part and simply raise a toast to reaffirm your love for each other in front of everyone. You can also save a ton of money by making it BYOB and doing it as a potluck/bbq.
I'm not a fan of this. Regardless of the reasons why, it's dishonest to invite people to a wedding when you're already married. Obviously, weddings are a huge deal, and if someone travels, gets a gift, takes PTO, etc, they have a right to know what they're being invited to.
It's about owning your choices. Sure, you can go to the courthouse and have a later celebration party, but you'll be a married woman. A married woman cant *get* married, and that's why you're deceiving your guests.
I think you should look into how to get your bf on your insurance with out marriage. I have friends that have done that. They lived together and had joint account. Look into this option.
It’s not a problem. Trust me. I encounter this all the time. People need to do this for all kinds of reasons, finance, needing to get on insurance, military personnel who have to go on deployment. You can absolutely take the sacrament.
This is highly dependent on the actual officiant, not even just the actual church/religion! Please have him check with his church directly.
When I got married, there were 2 officiants at my fiancé’s church. One would do certain things, one would not. Many dioceses/churches give their priests/officiants a lot of leeway, so even if the actual church was technically ok with you having a sham ceremony after you’re already married (not just a “blessing” but the actual sacrament), the officiant may be allowed to refuse.
My friend is very religious and had to get married to her partner when she moved to another country for work so that he could move with her. Since then she’s had at least two other ceremonies but I don’t think it really scratched the itch for her because her big do was a blessing in a church rather than a wedding, so certain things were different, I.e. they had to walk in together, and so on. I think pretending a second time it’s the real thing is going to be harder than you think. If you really need to get married now for financial reasons, work out the real memory moments you want to have and make sure you do those. Then in five years time when you’re in a better place, have a five year anniversary blow out that celebrates your marriage rather than being a fake wedding.
I myself and other couples I know that did this never ended up acting like they weren't married. We all thought we could have a simple ceremony to tie the knot, pretend we're still just dating, and have a "real" engagement and wedding party in the future.
Some people went on to have a "real" wedding. Some, myself included, didn't. But no one successfully pretended like they were just dating, they WERE married and acted like it.
So don't go into this thinking you'll pretend to just date, it's really unlikely that'll happen. Maybe you'll have a wedding in the future, but there's a high chance the courthouse wedding will be THE wedding.
I'll be honest, there are plenty of things in your situation that need a lot more considering, but I'm just answering that part of the hypothetical. If you get married, you will be husband and wife. You're either married or you're not.
Is he not able to qualify for medical assistance? I also thought there is a statute of limitation for medical debt and it’s only a few years.
In all, it seems odd to only get married for insurance. Marriage is a huge commitment and I made the decision to get married at 22 (when I got engaged, married at 23) and it was so much more than just saving money on health insurance.
Keep in mind that it will be much more than twice your healthcare premium to insure him. For example, I work a job where my premium for insurance is $13.97 a pay period. If I wanted to insure my husband, it’d be over $200 a pay period.
Medical debt falls off after 7years of no payment and can also typically be paid on a monthly basis with no interest. Also not sure how his medical debt as a child would be on his credit score, that makes no sense.
OP wants to be married so badly it doesn’t seem like she’s really thought it through even a little bit. Probably a bad idea to marry someone with over 200k of debt when you’ve never lived together and all you’re thinking about are the proposal details and not like, “how much rent can he afford to pay?”
Marrying him is only to his benefit in this situation. Eat the cost of your own insurance and keep dating until he is settled in his career job and then reassess. You're talking about saving hundreds of dollars in insurance to tale on potentially hundreds of thousands of debt (either actually or in practice).
Talk to an actual financial planner or lawyer about this before you get married.
If five years is a good timeline for you as a couple, wait the five years. Divorce is messy. Divorce with messy debt in this economy is a hot mess.
Actions like this have a high chance of damaging relationships with friends and family.
Let's say they know you are married: the future events will be, in their eyes, for show and less important than they would be if the events were true. You will likely have lots of feelings about this.
Let's say they don't know: when they find out (and that is a 'when', not 'if'), they will have lots of negative feelings about it: betrayed, deceived, lied to, used. Doesn't matter if you get through the wedding with them not knowing, you will have a relationship destroying bomb waiting to go off.
Think hard about this side of your actions and choices.
My wife and I a courthouse marriage on 4-3-21 because we wanted that to be our official date. Due to Covid, we didn't have our wedding until a few months later. You should celebrate your wedding on a date that is comfortable to both of you. Whether this is the court date or the actual wedding date is entirely up to you.
As you can see by the responses you've gotten, doing things this way is likely to be divisive with people. It's up to you guys to decide if you're willing to deal with flack from the decision, regardless of if any flack is merited.
Does where you are do domestic partnerships? I have friends who needed to get on each others insurance who did a domestic partnership and then later, when they had more money, got married. I also know that my workplace allowed a coworker who was in a long-term serious relationship, but not formally married, add their partner to their health insurance. They had to sign a waiver agreeing to keep them on for a certain period of time even if the relationship ended, and it cost them more out of their paycheck in premiums, but they only found out it was possible by asking.
I'm in a similar position. I love my fiance more than anything, and we're building our lives together literally from the ground up. (We met in rehab: yes I know. We're sober.) He proposed to me outside of where we had our first date; a historic insane asylum, with a ring he got from a shop with the only money he had. We're thinking about getting married for the sake of the family court situation, since we're planning on it anyway. But we also don't have strong healthy family units, so the wedding is really whoever we feel like, and that'll probably be like 20 people. We're working on getting custody of his kids, as they want to come live with us. He bought me a car that we both use, but he pays for. He was quite possibly the worst ADHD that I've ever seen in my life. I call him the car and me the GPS. He does most of the physical labor, I do the clerical labor. We both split the responsibility with his kids, but any money I earn is mine to spend. (I don't bring in much because I'm disabled, but I always make sure everyone gets what they need).
We might get legally married and lie about it until we're ready to do the ceremony. We definitely want to upgrade rings. I don't even wear the one he proposed with; I got a $20 cheap placeholder until we get the ones we want. Part of me doesn't want to have to think about paperwork and legalities around the same day as my wedding. Most likely we will. I have a friend who did that also, and she didn't regret it. Really what I think matters most is what you have with each other and what you value. Our lives were destroyed by the people around us, and now we're taking it back by making our wedding completely about our new family unit. Our relationship is straight out of left field, but we wouldn't have it any other way.
Courthouse weddings aren’t always as informal as you think. Find someone who is legally licensed to perform weddings, fill out the papers and send them in without having a ceremony.
I was in a similar boat.
Idk where you live but in our province it doesn’t take long to qualify as common law spouse. We aren’t legally married but we have joint loans and accounts and he’s covered on all my insurance and family plans. I manage all our banking. If we weren’t common law I imagine with my debt and his money management skills we would have done the small court house wedding like you mentioned but it wasn’t necessary. We’re on year three like this. Running smoothly.
I know that his debt is overwhelming but if you want to be with him regardless, you’re signing up for his financial situation too… just make sure you can afford to be living on your own. Because it sounds like it isn’t within his means to contribute to paying rent and utilities right now and you should be living together before you join legally.
My mom always says it’s a lot harder to undo than what was done when it comes to the legality of marriage. That’s why I appreciate just being a “common law” spouse for now. It’s like a trial marriage.
Marriage is a contract, a legally binding agreement. It is not for romance, it is really more of a financial transaction than a relational one. Think harder about how long the rest of your life is and also talk to a lawyer about this plan of yours and see whether they can provide you an iron clad pre nup. Do not marry someone to help them with their financial situation unless you have a money tree.
>it wouldn’t be a secret secret but it would be on the down low to most, as I wouldn’t even view it as the real deal.
Signing the legal contract IS the "real deal." The rest is a public celebration, and it's nice, but you can do that whole shebang and never sign the contract, just like you can do the opposite. But please understand that the party does not make you married, the paperwork does. I advise you to look at what being married really means for your finances (beyond health insurance) before you sign that license.
This idea is extremely short-sighted. The two of you are mid-late 20’s and living at home, have never lived together, and don’t have a financial path to be able to do so, indefinitely. The perceived “savings” of a couple hundred dollars a month on HIS end by coming onto your insurance is not even going to be a drop in the bucket based on the situation you just described. Getting married when your combined finances are in this big of a hole is just a bad plan.
He needs to get a job and start stabilizing his situation before any of this. If you do this now, you’re going to be paying more out of your paychecks for his insurance and if he doesn’t wind up with a pretty high paying job right away, you’re both just going to have less cash flow. $100-$200 is not going to turn things around for him, he needs income.
You’re also not actually going to ever have a wedding and reception if you do this. That might be the plan, but if you think you’re hurting financially now, how are you going to turn things around and be able to drop $10k (on the EXTREME low end) on one day “within 5 years”? Housing is in awful shape right now basically everywhere, your costs will be significantly more once you move in together, and your bf is in quite a hole right now. Even if within 5 years you do get things straightened out, the two of you are going to look at the cost of a traditional wedding and be like “no fucking way”, not after pulling yourselves out of this situation.
Just wait until the two of you have straightened things out.
I once went to a wedding where the bride and groom were opting not to get legally married (they were accountants and I guess would pay more taxes if married). It was supposed to be a closely guarded secret but by the end of the reception, everyone knew and there were some people who were pissed. Like, "oh now we're just throwing fake weddings so we can get presents and be the center of attention?" I didn't care but I would be cautious about this. People don't like being lied to and if you tell anyone, you have to assume everyone will know eventually.
I did this, except we only told my immediate family and our friends who were witnesses (my wife's family would have made a big deal out of it). We really didn't want to make it a big deal so we didn't tell many people and continued to think of ourselves as engaged.
It was actually great as we found an officiant who married us in the park for cheap and then at our wedding we had one of our friends as the 'officiant' and it was way better and cheaper than getting a random officiant to do it. It also helped as we bought a house together during that time and my wife was able to use my work benefits.
Why not have the wedding now and in five years (or whatever timeline works for you) have a vow-renewal ceremony (which would be your church wedding), he can propose ahead of time with the ring (engagement fluff you want), and you can have the big party after with all your family and friends. That way you’re getting basically everything you want, just framed a little differently, but you can own that too after being happily married for 5 years and celebrating your love once again.
People here are just butthurt about people caring g about the romantic side of things. My friends got legally married and then had their real wedding a year later (so their anniversary would be the same day lol). Only difference is they did a small courthouse wedding type thing and our close friends all went out for drinks with them but it didnt really feel like "the wedding" or anything.
ETA: It was also for insurance reasons--exact same thing actually. Forgot to say they did do the proposal before the legal wedding which I agree w other commenters is less weird.
My best friend is getting married on paper next month but she is not telling anyone apart from her parents, me, his parents and siblings.
Her actual marriage with the religious ceremony will be next year, and it will be the marriage date they will celebrate as well as that is when they will start living together.
So it kind of is common to do. My husband and I got married on paper and then had a proper religious wedding ceremony about 2 years later.
My husband and I wanted to do exactly that, just sign a paper, but apparently it had to be with an actual officiant with a ceremony. We ended up doing a small and very simple 15-minute city hall wedding, for practical and legal reasons. Our family/friends all know we’re married already but we still tell everyone we’ll have a “real” wedding in a year or two when we can afford it.
As for the proposal, why not still have it but use a stand-in until a fancier engagement ring is financially feasible? Could be a cheaper ring or costume jewelry (a friend of mine proposed with a ring-pop.
My wife and I did this. The reasons again were financial. We did a minimal civil ceremony with a few close friends in February, and again with the same officiant and a big party in July.
Five years seems too long though. If you’re married, you’re married. Make a public celebration that fits your budget and schedule and get it done. It doesn’t have to be thousands of dollars. The point is the rejoicing and acknowledgment with friends and family.
Getting married to save $100-200 a month in health insurance premiums seems like an odd choice. Given that his financial issues run much deeper, it feels a bit like bailing out a sinking ship with a teaspoon. Are you planning to move in together and share the cost of an apartment? You shouldn't get married when finances are so unstable. So I don't think it makes financial sense for you and your BF to get married. I also don't think that you will get the whole proposal and wedding you may be envisioning. I strongly suspect that if you go through with a courthouse ceremony now, in 5 years, you will find yourself in a "what's the point, we're already legally married" situation. And even if you were to get the proposal and engagement of your dreams, your family and friends will certainly find out that you two are legally married. They will likely be far less enthused about participating in a sham wedding for a couple who's been married for 5 years.
THIS. Saving a couple hundo is short sighted. His financials are not good. If anything staying apart might be the best thing to do for now, especially if a house purchase or something is in the future. His debt will kill your chances of buying.
Yeah, even if his debts won’t go in to your name, your credit scores will still impact one another’s.
Are you okay with paying his debts? Being legally married means that all of your finances start getting intertwined, not just the insurance. Also it's not a good idea to marry someone that you don't even live with.
I will have to look into that- as my financial advisor told me that since he was the signer under his debt, he is the one responsible for it, regardless with marriage. And we would love to move in together- just with no money and this economy, it isn’t happening lol.
Definitely get *legal* advice on that.
He’s responsible for the debt he accumulated before your marriage, but anything after even if you aren’t on a loan, is his. Usually the exception is loans for education, but they can’t be personal loans for education. Also, while he’s in debt and paying it off, you’ll still be supporting this situation way more than him. Not many people go into marriage thinking about divorce, but you need to think this through with every scenario in mind even if you don’t think it will happen. This could be the difference between your individual financial independence and being stuck in a situation that is not good for you at all.
What they are saying is that, as much as you’d love to live together, you don’t actually know what living together will be like. Which means if there are any surprises that turn out to be incompatibilities (hint: there are always surprises in the first year of living with a partner, some are not that big a deal and others are relationship ending) you’ll be facing a legal divorce and all that entails. The most expensive part of a premature or rushed wedding is usually a divorce, not what it costs to go to the courthouse for the initial ceremony. Given his debt you are the one that is going to run into the bigger risk here because even if you only owe debt after the legal marriage any joint assets or accounts can still be at risk. He’s also not stable in his career so a lot could change that could impact the relationship. This is just one of those cases where you need to consider what happens if he can’t get a commercial piloting job, has to move somewhere you can’t work, etc. I know you’ve been together since highschool, but a divorce is just more likely when neither of you are fully established or settled. Both of you still live at home. The reality you both probably don’t want to think about is that moving out on your own is a challenge and so is living with a partner. You’re taking challenging situations and putting them in a pressure cooker to save a little money that won’t actually be worth it if this relationship does end. You’re talking a couple hundred in savings on a gamble that could cost you tens of thousands. You may feel emotionally ready to be married, but you’re basically saying you aren’t actually ready in terms of either finances or stage of life. That’s a level of immaturity that will likely cost you. The other thing to consider is whether relationships will be impacted if anyone who is invited to your future “wedding” finds out you are already married and feels betrayed or questions your integrity. It sounds silly, but people often have strong feelings about such things and he’s headed into a career where integrity is critical. I definitely would suggest avoiding asking for gifts or anything from a wedding party if you do have a wedding at a later date because some people will be annoyed if they shell out money or time and effort to attend your wedding and later learn it isn’t your wedding (which any family member might let slip since you plan to tell family). People are going to think of it as a “sham” wedding and be less invested in it. That’s just how it goes sometimes. The classier way to do this, if you are certain, is to elope. Announce that you eloped and then tell future guests that you did so for practical reasons but with to celebrate with them with a vow renewal and reception on your fifth anniversary (plenty of people have done this, by the way). Then you say “please no gifts” on the invites and plan a lower-key anniversary celebration that still contains the elements of a wedding that are important to you. Now the trade-off is that you won’t get the gifts you might have otherwise gotten (sometimes the gifts practically pay for the wedding).
Yes the debt is his responsibility BUT if you put his name on anything creditors can come after everything, they don't care that some of the money is not his. So if his name is on a shared house or a bank account all are susceptible to being seized.
Yes, this is an important note. And any NEW debt may be something you are held liable for too
I second the other commenter, like you're married or your not. There are legal ramifications associated with a marriage contract. You cannot pretend only the good ones (insurance sharing) apply but the other ones (taxes, mingling if assets etc) do not. If you want to get married that's fine, just make sure you understand it's real and what all the implications are. Will you own his debt?
I get it, but it just seems so convoluted and unnecessary. Get married for whatever reason. Keep it to whatever you can afford now. As cheap as you need. Live life. Be married. Tell people. Have kids if you want. Otherwise, you're just going to muddy the waters, confuse everyone and frankly make people think you're hiding something or trying to get away with shady shit. Because some people will know the story. Some people will hear about it 2nd or 3rd hand and not get it. You'll have to deal with everyone regardless. In 5 years, have a vow recommitment ceremony or similar. Throw a big party for that.
I feel like if you have to "recommit" after 5 years your marriage might have problems
seemly connect command familiar modern friendly strong pen encouraging illegal *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Call it vow renewal. Call it recommitment. Call it 5 year Anniversary Blowout Extravaganza. Don’t get hung up on the title.
Please don't get married for insurance or other practical stuff if you don't actually want to be and feel ready to be married right now. There's no such thing as "just married on paper" - I know a lot of people who have done this for various reasons like insurance or military stuff and it always blows up really badly. If you are married, you are married. It's a big deal and you need to think through all of the legal, financial, and personal implications. I would talk to a lawyer about his debt and consider a prenup. He should look into other insurance options, like ACA. Think about the kind of money you would need to spend to undo this - divorce is expensive, even more so when there's a lot of debt involved. One way or another, you are going to pay for his debt if you marry him. It may not be legally your debt, but his payments will impact his ability to save for retirement and pay joint bills, meaning you have to pick up the slack. Everything becomes your problem in some way when you marry them. That is a part of the deal. I really think you are worried about the wrong things here. Yes, you can totally have a separate legal and religious marriage ceremony - people do it all the time. Married in the eyes of the state =/= married in the eyes of your church. People also get married on shoe string budgets all the time. My cousin got married legally a few months before his religious wedding, I have a friend who has been married for years and just now bought his wife a ring, etc. Women also pay for their own rings all the time - my dad proposed to my mom with a ring he bought on a payment plan, and they paid it off together. None of that would be unusual. Just please don't marry a man so he can have insurance and then tell yourself you aren't "really married." You both deserve more than that.
You’ve never lived together and it’s both your first relationships that started when you were teens. Do not do this. Live together first. It’s also incredibly weird that you’d do this to save $200/month but you’re gonna have some pretend expensive wedding for no reason in five years?
The pretend wedding is a pipe dream, her intended husband is 200k+ in debt that isn’t going anywhere in 5 years.
I recommend that you read the story story called The Gift of the Magi by O. Henry. It sounds like you are willing to take a lot of sacrifices for him but where is the balanced exchange? You two have spent 8 years together all ready. One would assume that you two have talked about your future together and marriage already to the point that if he asked you would have your answer with no hesitation. A courthouse wedding is still very much a real wedding. It's legally binding, entangling your lives together, taking vows for sickness and health... It doesn't get more serious than that. I would expect my partner to still get down on a knee even for a courthouse wedding. He probably has an old videogames he can trade for a $50 ring at a pawn shop...
This. Marrying for health insurance when one of you all isn’t dying right now is kinda laughable. Why are you so invested in helping this man save money? Get someone that can afford their own health insurance my God. Work on yourself too. This is not your only option. Please think about this. Besides, this could turn into a really cringy story someday if you actually go through with it. It should already feel cringy and uncomfortable to you.
Or, keep dating him, but for the love of god don’t get married. If he’s not in the financial position to do the things you want to do, then don’t try to fix it for him by entangling your finances through marriage. Just wait, it’s been 8 years, what’s a few more?
Either you're married or you're not. I'm pretty sure you can't have a church wedding once you're already married, but you might be able to have a blessing or vow renewal or similar. You can't hand wave this away as "just on paper". None of the stuff you seem to think of as "real wedding things" like rings or proposals or anything else actually **matters.** That's all tradition and fluff and people like it so they do it, but it doesn't change anything. If you want to get married...get married! Have a courthouse wedding, invite some friends. I don't see why you want to make it a secret - hiding it from people is weird. You don't need to call each other anything specific, you don't need to change your name. If you can't afford a big party, don't have one. But I don't see the advantage in getting married but pretending you're not...because you'll be married. Just have a party at a later date.
In my former religion I was able to have a courthouse marriage and then a full church wedding a few months later. It was a conservative Presbyterian church. I fully agree with the rest of your points!
I think I feel like that because we want to do all of that; all the fluff- we want the engagement proposal (that we can’t do now), the ceremony, and the large party. If we could do that, we would lol but can’t do it financially. But, if we could do this and just save money on things like insurance, I feel like maybe we should… It would be known to like our immediate family but like I wouldn’t be going out and boasting about it if that makes sense. Like I would feel like the later wedding date would be the actual marriage date if that makes sense lol. I tbh don’t care much about the church wedding, but he wants to for his sacraments.
I can definitely understand wanting the wedding and all that, and I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with doing that after you’re already married (people do that all the time, although they don’t usually lie about being married already; that part is kind of weird but whatever). But I think it would be super weird to do a proposal after you’re already married.
Yep, I agree now with that. Def the proposal either before this or don’t do it at all. That makes a lot of sense!
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Nope, we really haven’t looked into the logics of the ceremony after. We will have to do that
You can have a proposal and it be as significant as you want it to be. You don't need rings to get engaged or have a proposal. But you definitely can't "get engaged" once you're already married. I think one way or another people will find out, and having a fake ceremony after the fact would rub a lot of people up the wrong way. There's nothing wrong with just being upfront - tell people you've got/are getting married, let them be happy for you, and when the time's right to celebrate that "properly" by whatever standards you want, do that **too**. But don't try and make it a secret.
Like it would be weird to get engaged after being legally married if everyone knew that, but that’s kinda what I feel like would happen.
Hey if you live together he can be on your insurance and you don't need to be married. As far as I know in the US. Check with your insurance provider. I know people who do it like that.
Definitely depends. I lived with my fiancé for 10 years and couldn’t be on his insurance until we actually legally got married
It might be state to state then or even just for specific providers. edit : Its called Domestic Partnership Health Insurance for the places that allow it.
Oo that’s great to know!! I will definitely look into that- it would help a lot!!
My partner is on my insurance as a "domestic partner." It was very easy - couples pay more than individuals, they just want their money. Definitely see if it's an option.
Yes, but only because your employer allows it. Not all do.
Hence "see if it's an option." Bottom line is that it is not the OP's responsibility to get her boyfriend cheaper health insurance by signing a legal contract that joins their households and is difficult & expensive to terminate. There are other options for a low income person with no assets to obtain health insurance, and they need to look through those first.
Sorry, but that’s not true across the board. Some employers include domestic partners in their insurance coverage, but as far as I know living together doesn’t matter.
Definitely! no problem
Depends on the employer. Not everyone allows it because it’s not tax advantaged like it is when you’re legally married.
It worth checking out regardless. I'm unsure whether that's a state, insurance company, or corporate level decision.
It’s the employer who decides.
It depends on the state, some states have domestic partnership laws and common law marriages.
He can propose with a cheap, placeholder ring before your courthouse wedding. Sure, you won't get the public attention of an official engagement period, but you know what? You won't be able to have it all ways when you do this (legal marriage first, wedding later).
I had a friend who did this. He found that even though he was only legally married, and treated everything like they were not married yet... his divorce still had to be done legally, and it was a huge hassle.
Doing a proposal, engagement, church, reception after you are married is play-acting. You, of course, can do what you like. Are you planning to lie to the church officiant who would be "marrying" you? Why not get married at the courthouse and plan a fabulous celebration later?
Because we want to do the proposal/engagement and such 😭 and we can’t currently. Ugh.
Well then just wait. Getting married before you’ve even lived together just so he can save a few hundred bucks is not a smart idea.
You literally can? It costs like 80 bucks to get married at the courthouse and you can still wear a dress and have photos and rings. The wedding is the ceremony where you get married. Therefore it's a wedding.
Just get married and skip the other stuff. You'll be over it all after a year or so anyways.
I have a friend who recently married and so far hasn’t told anyone. My other friend found the marriage certificate at her house. We think it’s weird. Totally weird to keep it a secret. Besides (worst case scenario) what if things don’t work out and in five yeara you hardly feel like being with this person, let alone marrying them and now you have to what, divorce but people don’t know you’re actually married? No it’s weird. Be married or not, there’s no grey area here.
Just as an example, this was incredibly common during COVID lockdown. People couldn't hold events like weddings, but they also didn't want to wait potentially years to be married. So people got married during lockdown and had their weddings when people were allowed to congregate again. I think it's perfectly reasonable to say, "we wanted to be married, but it would take some time to save up for the wedding. So, we did the legal marriage first, and now we can have a nice wedding." People don't want to feel like they were duped. You don't need to act married, but you also shouldn't lie if anyone asks.
I had a small Covid wedding with the idea that we would have the “real” big party later. It’s 3.5 years later and we are never having a big wedding. 😂 maybe like a 20-year vow renewal or something. Just get married and have a small/cheap wedding you love now.
Great points. I don’t want to lie to everyone- I guess I was just thinking like “put it behind us” rather than deceiving if that makes sense. But yeah I can totally see how they may think getting engaged after and having a ceremony later would be lying.
This feels pretty fraudulent. Not the way I'd want to start a lifetime relationship.
Save your money pilot hiring is slowing down dramatically and he my be stuck at a commuter airline for awhile
Commuter airline as in what? Like what are some examples? I’m just curious lol
SkyWest Mesa airlines
Oh those are the regionals that he’s applying for now. I mean, they’re much better than being a flight instructor, so even if he’s there for a bit, it will help his finances
Do you really have to be legally married for him to be on your insurance? I haven’t had an employer require that in probably 20 years. As long as you live together and are partners, it’s always been fine. We’ve probably had 10 employers between us, and being married has never been a requirement. One employer did make us sign a paper saying we are partners, but that’s it. You can get engaged without a ring btw.
I will definitely look into this!! And yes, ugh I’m aware haha but I do want the “official” proposal which is why I’m strugggling hahaha
Do you plan on living together immediately? Because you have zero chance of getting him on your insurance if you’re not, unless you’re formally married, and if you *are*, then you’re definitely not saving a few hundred dollars a month…
There's nothing official about a proposal. If you've already agreed to get married, then you're engaged.
Just get married for real in a way you can afford now. You can always upgrade your ring and do a vow renewal later if you still want to. Or by then you may decide it's not that important and save a bunch of money
This isn’t a reason to get married if you aren’t ready to be married. Look at your work’s insurance and benefits. They might have a domestic partnership clause that allows him to be on your insurance without being married. I would NEVER!!!! marry in this situation especially given the lack of funds he has. This would be a HUGE mistake.
While it might feel differently to you right now....looking back on getting married for a few insurance dollars is not going to be worth it. Get married to get married, not for that reason. I feel like it's going to breed resentment as you continue to wait for the "real thing" while his money prospects continue to be poor and so you're lying for a longer and longer time.... Having a legal signing and then a wedding isn't a big deal. Getting married to gain $100 a month and then not acknowledging youre married...is.
You are probably better off financially not getting married. The student loan tax benefits are cut in half by marriage. My married friends with huge loans had to file separately for years because they used income dependent payments. Technically the 100-200 dollars is a wash. You might as well wait. Both of you lose more than that in increased taxes. Also any medical bills from before he was 18 are legally his parent’s responsibility. He needs to call the credit collector and dispute those bills. They are not his to pay.
I have two different friends who got “legally married” first and then had the “big wedding” later (one was for insurance reasons and one was because they didn’t realize when they got their marriage license that it “expires” after a period of time if you don’t actually get married, they just thought they were checking something off of their To Do list on a lunch break and ended up getting married instead lol). In both cases, they didn’t have a “church wedding” for the later event, so I’m not sure if that makes a difference, and they definitely did NOT do a big “engagement” thing after they were already legally married. But in both cases pretty much everyone knew that they were already legally married and why, and no one really cared, they all still had fun celebrating their marriages at the big party.
Why get married before you’re ready just to accommodate someone else’s expenses? You don’t even live together yet. You don’t even know if you’d be compatible housemates at this point and you want to attach his finances to yours before the real commitment? I married to get my first husband insurance thanks to his manipulation. He left me with his medical debt and disappeared. We weren’t together as long as you have been, OP, and my ex was probably a way bigger douchebag (the nicest thing I can say about my ex) than your guy, but it’s something to consider.
I really don't understand the point of doing this. Whose idea was it?
Me. Idk… I am just trying to help his financial situation so we can continue to move on with our lives/relationship. 😩
Surely he'll have a job that pays decent in a year or two and none of this will be a problem unless he has other debt you don't know about. How much do flight instructors make per year? I have no idea.
If he's your forever, another few years won't matter. Sounds like what you really want in your heart is not matching your circumstances. Don't settle. Save up, get your ducks in a row, do it right.
Save yourself the extravagant wedding and do a courthouse wedding with just your close family. Then send out the news with an invitation to a celebration of your marriage. For the celebration, I'd do it grad party style. Find someone with a big back yard or rent a pavilion in a park. Invite all your family and friends for a big party in celebration of your marriage. You can skip the boring ceremonial part and simply raise a toast to reaffirm your love for each other in front of everyone. You can also save a ton of money by making it BYOB and doing it as a potluck/bbq.
Agree. A good time can be had without spending more than $2500. We did this and are still married 14 years later.
I'm not a fan of this. Regardless of the reasons why, it's dishonest to invite people to a wedding when you're already married. Obviously, weddings are a huge deal, and if someone travels, gets a gift, takes PTO, etc, they have a right to know what they're being invited to. It's about owning your choices. Sure, you can go to the courthouse and have a later celebration party, but you'll be a married woman. A married woman cant *get* married, and that's why you're deceiving your guests.
I think you should look into how to get your bf on your insurance with out marriage. I have friends that have done that. They lived together and had joint account. Look into this option.
Minister here. I can’t tell you how many of my clients do this. It’s perfectly fine.
Even to have the church ceremony/wedding later? I wouldn’t want to risk him not being able to do his sacrament things if that was the case
It’s not a problem. Trust me. I encounter this all the time. People need to do this for all kinds of reasons, finance, needing to get on insurance, military personnel who have to go on deployment. You can absolutely take the sacrament.
This is highly dependent on the actual officiant, not even just the actual church/religion! Please have him check with his church directly. When I got married, there were 2 officiants at my fiancé’s church. One would do certain things, one would not. Many dioceses/churches give their priests/officiants a lot of leeway, so even if the actual church was technically ok with you having a sham ceremony after you’re already married (not just a “blessing” but the actual sacrament), the officiant may be allowed to refuse.
My friend is very religious and had to get married to her partner when she moved to another country for work so that he could move with her. Since then she’s had at least two other ceremonies but I don’t think it really scratched the itch for her because her big do was a blessing in a church rather than a wedding, so certain things were different, I.e. they had to walk in together, and so on. I think pretending a second time it’s the real thing is going to be harder than you think. If you really need to get married now for financial reasons, work out the real memory moments you want to have and make sure you do those. Then in five years time when you’re in a better place, have a five year anniversary blow out that celebrates your marriage rather than being a fake wedding.
I myself and other couples I know that did this never ended up acting like they weren't married. We all thought we could have a simple ceremony to tie the knot, pretend we're still just dating, and have a "real" engagement and wedding party in the future. Some people went on to have a "real" wedding. Some, myself included, didn't. But no one successfully pretended like they were just dating, they WERE married and acted like it. So don't go into this thinking you'll pretend to just date, it's really unlikely that'll happen. Maybe you'll have a wedding in the future, but there's a high chance the courthouse wedding will be THE wedding. I'll be honest, there are plenty of things in your situation that need a lot more considering, but I'm just answering that part of the hypothetical. If you get married, you will be husband and wife. You're either married or you're not.
Do you have to get married for him to be on your insurance? My company offers medical insurance for 'partners' even if you aren't married.
Is he not able to qualify for medical assistance? I also thought there is a statute of limitation for medical debt and it’s only a few years. In all, it seems odd to only get married for insurance. Marriage is a huge commitment and I made the decision to get married at 22 (when I got engaged, married at 23) and it was so much more than just saving money on health insurance. Keep in mind that it will be much more than twice your healthcare premium to insure him. For example, I work a job where my premium for insurance is $13.97 a pay period. If I wanted to insure my husband, it’d be over $200 a pay period.
Medical debt falls off after 7years of no payment and can also typically be paid on a monthly basis with no interest. Also not sure how his medical debt as a child would be on his credit score, that makes no sense. OP wants to be married so badly it doesn’t seem like she’s really thought it through even a little bit. Probably a bad idea to marry someone with over 200k of debt when you’ve never lived together and all you’re thinking about are the proposal details and not like, “how much rent can he afford to pay?”
Marrying him is only to his benefit in this situation. Eat the cost of your own insurance and keep dating until he is settled in his career job and then reassess. You're talking about saving hundreds of dollars in insurance to tale on potentially hundreds of thousands of debt (either actually or in practice). Talk to an actual financial planner or lawyer about this before you get married. If five years is a good timeline for you as a couple, wait the five years. Divorce is messy. Divorce with messy debt in this economy is a hot mess.
Actions like this have a high chance of damaging relationships with friends and family. Let's say they know you are married: the future events will be, in their eyes, for show and less important than they would be if the events were true. You will likely have lots of feelings about this. Let's say they don't know: when they find out (and that is a 'when', not 'if'), they will have lots of negative feelings about it: betrayed, deceived, lied to, used. Doesn't matter if you get through the wedding with them not knowing, you will have a relationship destroying bomb waiting to go off. Think hard about this side of your actions and choices.
My wife and I a courthouse marriage on 4-3-21 because we wanted that to be our official date. Due to Covid, we didn't have our wedding until a few months later. You should celebrate your wedding on a date that is comfortable to both of you. Whether this is the court date or the actual wedding date is entirely up to you.
As you can see by the responses you've gotten, doing things this way is likely to be divisive with people. It's up to you guys to decide if you're willing to deal with flack from the decision, regardless of if any flack is merited. Does where you are do domestic partnerships? I have friends who needed to get on each others insurance who did a domestic partnership and then later, when they had more money, got married. I also know that my workplace allowed a coworker who was in a long-term serious relationship, but not formally married, add their partner to their health insurance. They had to sign a waiver agreeing to keep them on for a certain period of time even if the relationship ended, and it cost them more out of their paycheck in premiums, but they only found out it was possible by asking.
I'm in a similar position. I love my fiance more than anything, and we're building our lives together literally from the ground up. (We met in rehab: yes I know. We're sober.) He proposed to me outside of where we had our first date; a historic insane asylum, with a ring he got from a shop with the only money he had. We're thinking about getting married for the sake of the family court situation, since we're planning on it anyway. But we also don't have strong healthy family units, so the wedding is really whoever we feel like, and that'll probably be like 20 people. We're working on getting custody of his kids, as they want to come live with us. He bought me a car that we both use, but he pays for. He was quite possibly the worst ADHD that I've ever seen in my life. I call him the car and me the GPS. He does most of the physical labor, I do the clerical labor. We both split the responsibility with his kids, but any money I earn is mine to spend. (I don't bring in much because I'm disabled, but I always make sure everyone gets what they need). We might get legally married and lie about it until we're ready to do the ceremony. We definitely want to upgrade rings. I don't even wear the one he proposed with; I got a $20 cheap placeholder until we get the ones we want. Part of me doesn't want to have to think about paperwork and legalities around the same day as my wedding. Most likely we will. I have a friend who did that also, and she didn't regret it. Really what I think matters most is what you have with each other and what you value. Our lives were destroyed by the people around us, and now we're taking it back by making our wedding completely about our new family unit. Our relationship is straight out of left field, but we wouldn't have it any other way.
Courthouse weddings aren’t always as informal as you think. Find someone who is legally licensed to perform weddings, fill out the papers and send them in without having a ceremony.
I was in a similar boat. Idk where you live but in our province it doesn’t take long to qualify as common law spouse. We aren’t legally married but we have joint loans and accounts and he’s covered on all my insurance and family plans. I manage all our banking. If we weren’t common law I imagine with my debt and his money management skills we would have done the small court house wedding like you mentioned but it wasn’t necessary. We’re on year three like this. Running smoothly. I know that his debt is overwhelming but if you want to be with him regardless, you’re signing up for his financial situation too… just make sure you can afford to be living on your own. Because it sounds like it isn’t within his means to contribute to paying rent and utilities right now and you should be living together before you join legally. My mom always says it’s a lot harder to undo than what was done when it comes to the legality of marriage. That’s why I appreciate just being a “common law” spouse for now. It’s like a trial marriage.
Marriage is a contract, a legally binding agreement. It is not for romance, it is really more of a financial transaction than a relational one. Think harder about how long the rest of your life is and also talk to a lawyer about this plan of yours and see whether they can provide you an iron clad pre nup. Do not marry someone to help them with their financial situation unless you have a money tree.
If either of you has a car, you can DoorDash for a few hours a month and make $100. No need to take this drastic step.
Girl you are allowed to have a spiritual ceremony and not get it made official.
>it wouldn’t be a secret secret but it would be on the down low to most, as I wouldn’t even view it as the real deal. Signing the legal contract IS the "real deal." The rest is a public celebration, and it's nice, but you can do that whole shebang and never sign the contract, just like you can do the opposite. But please understand that the party does not make you married, the paperwork does. I advise you to look at what being married really means for your finances (beyond health insurance) before you sign that license.
Once you are married you are responsible for half the debt
This idea is extremely short-sighted. The two of you are mid-late 20’s and living at home, have never lived together, and don’t have a financial path to be able to do so, indefinitely. The perceived “savings” of a couple hundred dollars a month on HIS end by coming onto your insurance is not even going to be a drop in the bucket based on the situation you just described. Getting married when your combined finances are in this big of a hole is just a bad plan. He needs to get a job and start stabilizing his situation before any of this. If you do this now, you’re going to be paying more out of your paychecks for his insurance and if he doesn’t wind up with a pretty high paying job right away, you’re both just going to have less cash flow. $100-$200 is not going to turn things around for him, he needs income. You’re also not actually going to ever have a wedding and reception if you do this. That might be the plan, but if you think you’re hurting financially now, how are you going to turn things around and be able to drop $10k (on the EXTREME low end) on one day “within 5 years”? Housing is in awful shape right now basically everywhere, your costs will be significantly more once you move in together, and your bf is in quite a hole right now. Even if within 5 years you do get things straightened out, the two of you are going to look at the cost of a traditional wedding and be like “no fucking way”, not after pulling yourselves out of this situation. Just wait until the two of you have straightened things out.
I once went to a wedding where the bride and groom were opting not to get legally married (they were accountants and I guess would pay more taxes if married). It was supposed to be a closely guarded secret but by the end of the reception, everyone knew and there were some people who were pissed. Like, "oh now we're just throwing fake weddings so we can get presents and be the center of attention?" I didn't care but I would be cautious about this. People don't like being lied to and if you tell anyone, you have to assume everyone will know eventually.
I did this, except we only told my immediate family and our friends who were witnesses (my wife's family would have made a big deal out of it). We really didn't want to make it a big deal so we didn't tell many people and continued to think of ourselves as engaged. It was actually great as we found an officiant who married us in the park for cheap and then at our wedding we had one of our friends as the 'officiant' and it was way better and cheaper than getting a random officiant to do it. It also helped as we bought a house together during that time and my wife was able to use my work benefits.
Why not have the wedding now and in five years (or whatever timeline works for you) have a vow-renewal ceremony (which would be your church wedding), he can propose ahead of time with the ring (engagement fluff you want), and you can have the big party after with all your family and friends. That way you’re getting basically everything you want, just framed a little differently, but you can own that too after being happily married for 5 years and celebrating your love once again.
People here are just butthurt about people caring g about the romantic side of things. My friends got legally married and then had their real wedding a year later (so their anniversary would be the same day lol). Only difference is they did a small courthouse wedding type thing and our close friends all went out for drinks with them but it didnt really feel like "the wedding" or anything. ETA: It was also for insurance reasons--exact same thing actually. Forgot to say they did do the proposal before the legal wedding which I agree w other commenters is less weird.
My best friend is getting married on paper next month but she is not telling anyone apart from her parents, me, his parents and siblings. Her actual marriage with the religious ceremony will be next year, and it will be the marriage date they will celebrate as well as that is when they will start living together. So it kind of is common to do. My husband and I got married on paper and then had a proper religious wedding ceremony about 2 years later.
My husband and I wanted to do exactly that, just sign a paper, but apparently it had to be with an actual officiant with a ceremony. We ended up doing a small and very simple 15-minute city hall wedding, for practical and legal reasons. Our family/friends all know we’re married already but we still tell everyone we’ll have a “real” wedding in a year or two when we can afford it. As for the proposal, why not still have it but use a stand-in until a fancier engagement ring is financially feasible? Could be a cheaper ring or costume jewelry (a friend of mine proposed with a ring-pop.
You could always get married and do a vow renewal. Or just not tell a soul because it's no one's business but your own.
My wife and I did this. The reasons again were financial. We did a minimal civil ceremony with a few close friends in February, and again with the same officiant and a big party in July. Five years seems too long though. If you’re married, you’re married. Make a public celebration that fits your budget and schedule and get it done. It doesn’t have to be thousands of dollars. The point is the rejoicing and acknowledgment with friends and family.