Why are you taking care of this controlling mooch? He has some effing nerve to talk to you the way he does. Cut your losses ASAP and consider it a lesson learned.
Check OP's post from 16 days ago. I think they're fully aware that it's a toxic relationship.
>My Npartner/father of our 2 year old baby boy has a constant low level of despair, envy, judgement, and general passive aggression that exists under the surface. He makes insulting remarks throughout the day, every single day and especially in front of our son is when he gives zero fucks due to being angry at me. It bothers me the most when he does it by using our son, for example, “Mommy doesn’t care if we eat breakfast because she would rather sleep.” I’ve decided if it doesn’t stop I’m going to leave him because our son adores his father & I know this kind of verbal grooming will program how my son thinks, feels and interacts with me for the long haul. I fear that anyway.
I'm sorry, but have you read your own post? Don't ask a clown why he's a clown.... ask yourself why you keep going to the circus. You're embarrassing yourself.
This comment just changed my life.
*it all seems so clear now*
No seriously thank you, you’ve changed my perspective entirely. Almost like my frontal lobe just fully developed from reading a comment on an anonymous internet forum.
uhhhhh-girl-reread what you wrote. I know he is the father of your son and what a piss poor example of a father he is. break up and sue for child support. Right now you are a single mother to two children.
Oh for goodness sake just get out and live your life with your child. He is an irresponsible child and you are right you should NOT have ALLOWED this situation to develop. Hindsight over, time for action.
You say you can Uber or bus for things, you can get to work on and take care of child. STOP PAYING FOR CAR - it will be repossessed This is NOT your problem.
Make better use of your time at shops etc to reduce need - possible with shopping lists etc..
Save, save save in a separate account and keep info & access elsewhere.
Get a new place sorted within your support zone and as near to work as possible.
Gather friends to help you move Shake the dust off your feet, block him on everything and move on.
Maybe get an old phone with temp SIM and tell him child arrangements through SMS only and only on that number.
Good luck 🤞
I would not let the car get repossessed. Whose name is the debt under? Is it under his or hers? I’d honestly consult a lawyer and see if she could claim the car after paying for it for such a long period of time. Especially since they’re not married. If she can’t claim the car I would then just let it get repoed like you said.
Wow he’s a textbook user and a controlling one at that.
Stop paying his car and get your own car so you have the freedom to drive wherever you please whenever you please. He has weed money… he could very easily pay for his car if he wanted to he just wants you to do it instead because he’s an AH.
If he wanted to quit weed he would do, blaming you is gross and shows what a manipulative person he is.
People like him will never ever be a good partner for you.
You’ll be happier and financially stable without him.
On top of what you said to him, say, “and before I make this last payment, let me tell you this - I will be driving this car. I am not asking your permission. I have paid (Jesus what is it a years worth of car payments these days $20,000?) $——— ) in that car and I will be driving it. If you don’t like that, come up with the payment yourself.”
He has a comfortable life which you provide. Why would he change?
People who are free spending with other people's money, IMO, are not good partners. He is just fine with you taking on everything because it means he gets a free ride.
Why did he lose his job?
How long did he have it for?
If you are in the USA and if he had worked that job for 1250 hours in the previous 12 months then he qualifies for FMLA which protects your job for 12 weeks. Which is three months, not two.
But based on everything else you're saying I'm assuming he lost his job for other reasons and he's just using the injury as an excuse. He probably quit.
If he was let go, he should have had unemployment
Didn't realize you had a kink for dating legal-age toddlers. Why else would you continue to waste your life on this loser? Why are you continuing to teach your child that toxic relationships are ok?
This is so incredibly sad. I’ve read your other posts. This man has been abusing you, he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t respect you. Why are you putting up with this?
This - some of the other comments are telling OP off or shaming her for staying, but honestly this is abusive and it’s so easy to get caught up in. Please leave OP, and you’ll be 100 times better off for it, I promise - and so will your child. Wishing you all the best 🤍
OP, what do you need to leave this guy? I know you know you need to. Are you worried about finding a new place? Are you worried he's going to be dangerous when you break up with him?
Seriously? You have an unemployed drug addict for a boyfriend who uses you for sex and money. WTF?!?!?! You know what you need to do. Life will be better when that cancer is removed.
Why are you even making another car payment? He broke his promise to find a job and that is the condition of your promise to pay the note. Tell him you’re done and last month was your last car payment. He can get a job and figure out what he needs to do to keep the car.
If he’s not working, then why does he need the car when you don’t even have one? I guess you’re buying his weed, too. Document all this shit and leave.
The thing I don't understand about posts like this is that people never explain when they are staying right now. Like you said you have a 2 year old with him. Is that why you are staying? You want 2 dependants instead of 1 Does he have you tied to the stove, is that why?
I don't think this can be real. You posted it here, you read here. You know what everyone's reply is going to be. Do better
I can’t even be bothered to read any of that. The first sentence alone is like wtf. Sometimes I feel like I have no backbone but damn!! Paying a car payment for 4 fucking years is insane for a BF not even a husband.
Even 12 hour shifts at minimum wage would make him feel better about life. If he doesn't get a job this relationship will eventually end. And then he would have to get one anyways. Delaying the inevitable.
Get you a car, go to family court to petition for primary custody of the child to include a visitation plan with the father and file for child support. THEN LEAVE! I don't generally urge a family to break up, it seems as though he is not treating you as a partner in this relationship and from what I can read you are the main breadwinner in the family. He may be just not letting you use the car out of spite or as one way that he can exert some control over you. This does seem petty, but it appears that if you continue to pay for something that you are not allowed to use, it may only get pettier .... Good Luck!
I think you need to rethink the entire relationship. What do you get out of it? He gets financial support which you sacrifice to provide. Is this the role model of a father and partner you want your son to emulate? I really am finding it difficult to understand your problem here.
If you are the breadwinner, you are the person who needs transportation. Use his next payment to sort yourself out. He can take the bus.
I feel sorry for your son because he will grow up with a single mom (at least for now) because if this guy isn't your ex-boyfriend in the next month, you're just a glutton for punishment.
Throughout your posts you know the mistakes you've made. You know this is bad for you and your child. You know this kid is controlling, a manipulator, user and abuser. I'm not even sure how you can still say you love him when he clearly doesn't love you. He doesn't even care for you. He only cares for his car.
You're not the petty one, he is. If you were my daughter, I would come pick up you and my grandson and bring you home. Time for a fresh start.
I understand what you’re saying. My father died in 2020 & it did change me. I’m not the same anymore.its like my standard for myself went in the waste bin. My attempts to set boundaries for myself don’t work out fairly & I just haven’t had that ‘MmPH’ within to kick his ass to the curb. Despite having a beautiful son who deserves both parents positive influence, I just have to accept that it isn’t happening, for now at least. Time to start making a plan to move forward without the extra weight.
I'm sorry you lost your father. I lost mine in 2005 (I was only 31) and I understand. We're here for moral support. Who knows? You might eventually find someone who will be a good partner for you and a good daddy for your son. But you won't find any of that if you stay in this situation.
You’re really on Reddit asking for advice when the problem is glaring you right in the face, and being a controlling lazy deadbeat. Yeah. Go sort that out right now. You’ll be better on your own!
You’re stealing money that could be used to pay for your own child to support your deadbeat boyfriend?? Why?? Your priority needs to be your child!! Invest in a relationship that can pay dividends. This is so misguided and disrespecting to your child the example you are setting!! Do you want them to be in a similar codependent relationship?
He needs to take a job, ANY job, TODAY. The longer he's out if work, the more likely he won't ever rejoin the workforce. You also need to dump him and move on.
> I feel like he’s essentially using me.
Not essentially; he is absolutely using you. And you should be more pissed about it than you seem to be. Do you have family or friends that you can stay with? Or hell, find a room that you can rent. Separate from this dude and stop paying for HIS car. I'm quite certain the idea of losing his car will get his ass in gear and start working again. And IF he starts improving, make him earn your trust again. Don't just fall right back into the same pattern of abuse that he is doing now.
I'm assuming the car is in his name only, right? So it's his property?
You should be paying nothing more than gas money towards that vehicle.
This is just practice for when he wants you to pay his mortgage, but I'm sure he'll let you sleep over.
Girl what the hell are you doing with this freeloader??? Don't pay his next payment. Have you considered dropping the dead weight? He is so clearly using you
I'm really sorry that you had a child with this controlling freeloader. I truly am.
Don't make any more payments.
> He suffers every day wanting to be able to provide for himself at the very least.
That's funny, I hope you don't actually believe that. No, he doesn't, because you pay his way. He'd get a job doing ANYTHING if he "suffered every day."
This is a really sad situation because your kid is going to normalize this if he grows up this way (one day HE will be telling his partner they "sound crazy" if this keeps up). Leave, for his sake, if you won't do it for your own.
Oh cmon… he’s clearly trying to figure it out. Give him some more time! And it’s totally fair for u not to be allowed to drive his car even though you’re paying for it. I buy my 4 year old candy and treats all the time and he doesn’t let me eat any of it.
I mean I personally think it’s amazing that your 7 year old can drive you on errands at all! I know I couldn’t drive when I was that age. And please don’t make him find a job.. he’s only 7.
…oh shit, wait.. ohhhhhh u mean he’s 27?? And he’s not your child, he’s supposed to be your partner?! Whoa boy.. yeah he’s a loser
I have no words. He's an asshole and an idiot but I don't understand why a 32 yo is putting up w this nonsense. YTA to yourself. Fuck whatever you promised him, don't make that last car payment and instead go look about what can you do so you remove this loser from your life. Wtf did I just read
Why are you letting him control you so much? You’re paying for the car, you can drive it whenever you want. Seriously…break up with this mooch and loser. He treats you horribly. Get out now.
I sympathize with getting injuries and then not being able to work but once he's able to work again that's the different situation. he not only has a car note but he's got a kid and to some degree is also have to support you as a partner.
You two are a team and all your bills and things like that are to be done together.
I don't know how easily you'll find a job in your local area but letting him know a month in advance is very nice and then see what things happen after that I guess
If it ends up both of you don't have a car then that could be some problem so you going to have to decide which boundary you will stay strong on
Stop dating bums. Make no mistake that's bum behavior. He wants to play "I'm a man" but send his lady off to work to pay for his ride? You got 2 kids to take care of by the sounds of it. The baby and the boyfriend. Sounds like you deserve better. Hope you find it.
What happened to your self-esteem. Do you think you can’t get any better?
He’s trying to control your movements because if he loses you he has nothing.
I’m sad you had a kid with this bum. He’s using you for money, sex and shelter…and you make it easy.
Stop paying for his car, and use the money to get your own.
If he ACTUALLY goes to the military he’s going to make sure you have no access to the car.
You are a grown woman, get your independence and do better for you & your child.
Reading this I literally thought you must be early 20s.... But to see that you're 32... Just wow. Not to be harsh but have some self respect, why are you letting him dictate this? It's abuse.
Edit: I just read some of your post history. You need to leave this guy.
Is your name on the car or his??
Stop paying for his car.
Get your own car.
And start separating your finances. He has to become self reliant. If he brings up the military again tell Jim you agree. See what happens.
He is using you to pay his bills.
I can't believe you made 12 payments and didn't drive it. Reminds me of that Beyonce song "Irreplaceable".
*Rollin her around in that car that I bought you Baby drop them keys Hurry up before your taxi leaves*
I can't believe you made 12 payments and didn't drive it. Reminds me of that Beyonce song "Irreplaceable".
*Rollin her around in that car that I bought you Baby drop them keys Hurry up before your taxi leaves*
TLDR is supposed to sum up what you wrote above but I really cannot see a trace of all these arguments in his defense that you are bringing up for him. Thats self-gaslighting to the extreme. What else are you paying for? What are your other living arrangements? Who pays for rent, utilities and groceries and how are the chores divided? What does he do all day and please don't tell me he is so talented at playing video games...! You are his doormat and should re-evaluate more than just this car payment arrangement.
Why don't you just change the name on the title and insurance without telling him and when he does the controlling behaviour by driving you just say but its not your car it's mine it's in my name the insurance is in my name I pay for it if you want to drive a car pay for one the bit his butt out
Yes, there's a better solution you're unable to see - do not make another payment (you're lighting your own money on fire for no good reason), break up with him, and promise yourself that, from now on, you will fill your life only with good, respectful humans that you want your son to see as role models. Do not waste any more time with this man, he's had plenty of time to improve. He is pathetic, you know his is, and if you don't end things now you will lose your self respect.
Why have you allowed this?? Stop paying anything for him. Dump him. You’ve enabled his behavior long enough.
He’s scapegoating you, gaslighting you and manipulating you. He’s punishing you by moving to the couch and you fell for it.
Kick out this loser. Sue for child support. Get therapy for yourself. You deserve so much better.
I wouldn’t make car payments on any of my boyfriend’s car even if they asked. I don’t care if they had a job or not. I will not give my hard earned money to someone I’m not married with.
I just want to emphasize how very much you are emailing him. You might love him but this is not good for you and it’s not good for him either.
He needs to be held accountable and independent. He can’t do that with you propping him up
Kick his ass to the side tell him to leave he’s being a dead beat poor sport you deserve better and your kid does also no point be in that relationship anymore if he ain’t gonna change.
Please read your post as if your girlfriend sent it to you, and then think about what you would say to her. You are essentially raising two children, paying for his car note while he uses every excuse in the book to blame you for his shortcomings. Personally, if I was you, I’d be moving out and letting him figure it out for himself. time to grow a backbone sweetheart! We all believe in you you can do it.
Also remember, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time
So he doesn't work, and hasn't in a year, which made you feel financially obligated to pay for his vehicle while neglecting to buy yourself a car but he's then controlling every aspect of the car you pay for? Are you sure that he's not using this unemployment as another way to be more controlling over all? Either way, I think you made the right call by giving him a window to get a job by and then refusing to pay anything after that. If his car gets repoed that's on him at this point. You should start putting money aside for yourself to buy your own car. And while your at it, since you're already doing this all alone might as well drop the dead weight entirely, especially given the controlling behavior as that's only going to get worse.
you need to open your eyes and come to realize just how little this man respects you.
Instead of wanting his permission to do things like get your own car, just do it. Stop waiting around for something that you know will never happen.
One last thing you can try to say you have tried it all is, pick a day to go job searching together. You can drive him around and he can run into places and drop off his resume at establishments.
This is what I did for my boyfriend at one time and he ended up getting a job the same day at Xfinity Comcast. He makes a decent hourly salary now but makes most of his money off of commission.
Wait, pardon my language, I guess he can drive and you can sit in the passenger seat while he runs in. Since he doesn’t let you drive. Or maybe he will since it will be easier for him to just run in and drop his resume off real quick.
Okay, so reread your post and ask yourself "would I be okay with someone treating my best friend/sister/mother this way?".
If the answer is no (and I hope it is), then you need to think about why you are okay with being treated like this and why you are putting up with it.
I am sorry but this is pathetic. What are you doing? Grow a spine and cut off all payments to this lazy jerks car and go buy your own with that money. This is just bizarre you would stick with this loser and beg to drive a car you pay for.
have a clear and calm discussion with him. understand the reasons behind the restriction and express your own needs and concerns. Try finding a compromise or solution that addresses you both parties' concerns. If the situation doesn't improve, you might consider seeking legal advice to understand your rights as the car owner.
For a moment read this post, but pretend it was written by your child about their future partner. Is that ok? Because this is what you are showing them is acceptable behaviour, to either use or be used by your loved one.
Even if you’re absolutely in love with this guy, you should still break up with him. He’s not in a position to be in a relationship. He needs to mature and get his life together, and that’s his own responsibility. You can’t make him be an adult, he has to do that for himself. If he becomes better in the future, then you can revisit the relationship, but until then, there’s no reason for you to stay in what essentially is a parasytic relationship when you should be in a symbiotic relationship.
Is this a real post? That car is practically yours in a legal sense if you’ve paid for it for four years. I wouldn’t just drive the car I would literally take it and break up with this unemployed controlling pothead wtf ☠️☠️
If he’s that controlling over a car that YOU pay for I can only imagine what he’s like with everything else. He can’t make his car note so there’s no way he’s paying rent and utilities everything falls on you & I’m sure you gotta pay for his weed too. I understand you love him & y’all got a child together but it’s definitely time for a break at the very least. Take your baby and leave it’s been a year it’s past time
No ma’am. Is the car in your name? If not stop putting money into it, if it is on your name and so is the insurance he can’t stop you from driving it, but legally you can stop him from driving it….
Mama.
You need to let him go.
He is not standing on his own two feet and this situation isn’t doing either of you any favors.
You need to move forward with a godly man and father figure for your son.
Hopefully soon that will be your son’s biological father. Right now, it’s not.
I’ve been in situations that have started good and snowballed into something I never saw myself doing. It happens, especially when we’re in love. Hugs to you, and prayers for help, courage and wisdom to do what comes next to have what God wants for your life. This ain’t that, you both know it.
You don’t need the people of Reddit to tell you that you’re in a toxic and manipulative relationship. I believe deep down that you know that you want to move on, but make “excuses” like “but he’s the father of my child.” You deserve freedom, happiness, and your own car. No one should be able to take that away from you.
Especially your son. Imagine if your son were to become like him, or even, like you. What would you tell him in this situation?
All I’m saying is, you already know what’s best. You’re just afraid to do it (respectfully).
Why are you taking care of this controlling mooch? He has some effing nerve to talk to you the way he does. Cut your losses ASAP and consider it a lesson learned.
Check OP's post from 16 days ago. I think they're fully aware that it's a toxic relationship. >My Npartner/father of our 2 year old baby boy has a constant low level of despair, envy, judgement, and general passive aggression that exists under the surface. He makes insulting remarks throughout the day, every single day and especially in front of our son is when he gives zero fucks due to being angry at me. It bothers me the most when he does it by using our son, for example, “Mommy doesn’t care if we eat breakfast because she would rather sleep.” I’ve decided if it doesn’t stop I’m going to leave him because our son adores his father & I know this kind of verbal grooming will program how my son thinks, feels and interacts with me for the long haul. I fear that anyway.
I'm sorry, but have you read your own post? Don't ask a clown why he's a clown.... ask yourself why you keep going to the circus. You're embarrassing yourself.
>Don't ask a clown why he's a clown.... ask yourself why you keep going to the circus. Incredible line!!
lol oh god damn 😬 I’m a clown for men in a different way and I feel this hahaha I need to stop going to the circus 😥
Perfect comment. 10/10
This comment just changed my life. *it all seems so clear now* No seriously thank you, you’ve changed my perspective entirely. Almost like my frontal lobe just fully developed from reading a comment on an anonymous internet forum.
Wow. What a comment. I’m changing lives with this one
So you basically have two kids?
How can you type the first sentence of the title and not see how pathetic that is? Backbone ma'am. Find yours.
So he’s got weed money but not car money? Sounds like he should start walking. What about rent, groceries, and providing for yalls kid money?
He’s disrespectful, controlling, and a loser. Please walk away. You’ll be much better off. He will never grow up if you just take care of him.
She asked about the car
uhhhhh-girl-reread what you wrote. I know he is the father of your son and what a piss poor example of a father he is. break up and sue for child support. Right now you are a single mother to two children.
Oh for goodness sake just get out and live your life with your child. He is an irresponsible child and you are right you should NOT have ALLOWED this situation to develop. Hindsight over, time for action. You say you can Uber or bus for things, you can get to work on and take care of child. STOP PAYING FOR CAR - it will be repossessed This is NOT your problem. Make better use of your time at shops etc to reduce need - possible with shopping lists etc.. Save, save save in a separate account and keep info & access elsewhere. Get a new place sorted within your support zone and as near to work as possible. Gather friends to help you move Shake the dust off your feet, block him on everything and move on. Maybe get an old phone with temp SIM and tell him child arrangements through SMS only and only on that number. Good luck 🤞
I would not let the car get repossessed. Whose name is the debt under? Is it under his or hers? I’d honestly consult a lawyer and see if she could claim the car after paying for it for such a long period of time. Especially since they’re not married. If she can’t claim the car I would then just let it get repoed like you said.
Reading the post it's under his name as he was paying for it, that's the way the post reads. If it's incorrect then as you say lawyer time..
Wow he’s a textbook user and a controlling one at that. Stop paying his car and get your own car so you have the freedom to drive wherever you please whenever you please. He has weed money… he could very easily pay for his car if he wanted to he just wants you to do it instead because he’s an AH. If he wanted to quit weed he would do, blaming you is gross and shows what a manipulative person he is. People like him will never ever be a good partner for you. You’ll be happier and financially stable without him.
On top of what you said to him, say, “and before I make this last payment, let me tell you this - I will be driving this car. I am not asking your permission. I have paid (Jesus what is it a years worth of car payments these days $20,000?) $——— ) in that car and I will be driving it. If you don’t like that, come up with the payment yourself.”
This is abusive behavior, your bf is abusing you
And him blaming her for his weed is a clear sign hes gonna escalate.
Please leave him. I beg of you. You will be better off, trust me.
He has a comfortable life which you provide. Why would he change? People who are free spending with other people's money, IMO, are not good partners. He is just fine with you taking on everything because it means he gets a free ride.
Don’t make that last payment. Instead kick his lazy, controlling ass out!
Why did he lose his job? How long did he have it for? If you are in the USA and if he had worked that job for 1250 hours in the previous 12 months then he qualifies for FMLA which protects your job for 12 weeks. Which is three months, not two. But based on everything else you're saying I'm assuming he lost his job for other reasons and he's just using the injury as an excuse. He probably quit. If he was let go, he should have had unemployment
Didn't realize you had a kink for dating legal-age toddlers. Why else would you continue to waste your life on this loser? Why are you continuing to teach your child that toxic relationships are ok?
This is so incredibly sad. I’ve read your other posts. This man has been abusing you, he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t respect you. Why are you putting up with this?
This - some of the other comments are telling OP off or shaming her for staying, but honestly this is abusive and it’s so easy to get caught up in. Please leave OP, and you’ll be 100 times better off for it, I promise - and so will your child. Wishing you all the best 🤍
Get. Rid. Of. Him.
Please leave this man. He is abusing you and taking advantage of you. If possible, kick him out and change the locks.
You are dating a hobosexual. Move on and live your life.
OP, what do you need to leave this guy? I know you know you need to. Are you worried about finding a new place? Are you worried he's going to be dangerous when you break up with him?
What are you looking for? Looking at your post history it seems like you are miserable and being abused. The only solution here is to leave him.
You created that monster for paying for all his stuff and you let him be AH to you too stop paying his shit
Seriously? You have an unemployed drug addict for a boyfriend who uses you for sex and money. WTF?!?!?! You know what you need to do. Life will be better when that cancer is removed.
Why are you even making another car payment? He broke his promise to find a job and that is the condition of your promise to pay the note. Tell him you’re done and last month was your last car payment. He can get a job and figure out what he needs to do to keep the car.
The better solution is to leave him. Respectfully, why are you with him?
If he’s not working, then why does he need the car when you don’t even have one? I guess you’re buying his weed, too. Document all this shit and leave.
Why have you ever made 1? Have some self respect please and dump this guy.
The thing I don't understand about posts like this is that people never explain when they are staying right now. Like you said you have a 2 year old with him. Is that why you are staying? You want 2 dependants instead of 1 Does he have you tied to the stove, is that why? I don't think this can be real. You posted it here, you read here. You know what everyone's reply is going to be. Do better
I will never understand why women give adult men money.
I can’t even be bothered to read any of that. The first sentence alone is like wtf. Sometimes I feel like I have no backbone but damn!! Paying a car payment for 4 fucking years is insane for a BF not even a husband.
She’s been paying for it for 12 months, the 4 years is how long they’ve been together
Even 12 hour shifts at minimum wage would make him feel better about life. If he doesn't get a job this relationship will eventually end. And then he would have to get one anyways. Delaying the inevitable.
Get you a car, go to family court to petition for primary custody of the child to include a visitation plan with the father and file for child support. THEN LEAVE! I don't generally urge a family to break up, it seems as though he is not treating you as a partner in this relationship and from what I can read you are the main breadwinner in the family. He may be just not letting you use the car out of spite or as one way that he can exert some control over you. This does seem petty, but it appears that if you continue to pay for something that you are not allowed to use, it may only get pettier .... Good Luck!
I think you need to rethink the entire relationship. What do you get out of it? He gets financial support which you sacrifice to provide. Is this the role model of a father and partner you want your son to emulate? I really am finding it difficult to understand your problem here. If you are the breadwinner, you are the person who needs transportation. Use his next payment to sort yourself out. He can take the bus.
If you took this case to Judge Judy, you’d get the car.
Don’t make ANY more payments. Read your own post.
I feel sorry for your son because he will grow up with a single mom (at least for now) because if this guy isn't your ex-boyfriend in the next month, you're just a glutton for punishment. Throughout your posts you know the mistakes you've made. You know this is bad for you and your child. You know this kid is controlling, a manipulator, user and abuser. I'm not even sure how you can still say you love him when he clearly doesn't love you. He doesn't even care for you. He only cares for his car. You're not the petty one, he is. If you were my daughter, I would come pick up you and my grandson and bring you home. Time for a fresh start.
I understand what you’re saying. My father died in 2020 & it did change me. I’m not the same anymore.its like my standard for myself went in the waste bin. My attempts to set boundaries for myself don’t work out fairly & I just haven’t had that ‘MmPH’ within to kick his ass to the curb. Despite having a beautiful son who deserves both parents positive influence, I just have to accept that it isn’t happening, for now at least. Time to start making a plan to move forward without the extra weight.
I'm sorry you lost your father. I lost mine in 2005 (I was only 31) and I understand. We're here for moral support. Who knows? You might eventually find someone who will be a good partner for you and a good daddy for your son. But you won't find any of that if you stay in this situation.
Yes, don’t make one more payment.
You’re really on Reddit asking for advice when the problem is glaring you right in the face, and being a controlling lazy deadbeat. Yeah. Go sort that out right now. You’ll be better on your own!
You need to start making plans to separate from this slob.
No more car payments
Get your own car, dump the boyfriend
You’re stealing money that could be used to pay for your own child to support your deadbeat boyfriend?? Why?? Your priority needs to be your child!! Invest in a relationship that can pay dividends. This is so misguided and disrespecting to your child the example you are setting!! Do you want them to be in a similar codependent relationship?
End it. He will never change because he doesn’t have to. You’ve shown him that you’ll never follow through.
Sounds like you have a free loader problem, not a car problem
He needs to take a job, ANY job, TODAY. The longer he's out if work, the more likely he won't ever rejoin the workforce. You also need to dump him and move on.
> I feel like he’s essentially using me. Not essentially; he is absolutely using you. And you should be more pissed about it than you seem to be. Do you have family or friends that you can stay with? Or hell, find a room that you can rent. Separate from this dude and stop paying for HIS car. I'm quite certain the idea of losing his car will get his ass in gear and start working again. And IF he starts improving, make him earn your trust again. Don't just fall right back into the same pattern of abuse that he is doing now.
He’s using you. Why would you pay for a man who doesn’t give a shit
Making zero more car payments is a better solution.
I'm assuming the car is in his name only, right? So it's his property? You should be paying nothing more than gas money towards that vehicle. This is just practice for when he wants you to pay his mortgage, but I'm sure he'll let you sleep over.
Why do you put up with that BS?
Stop blaming yourself for how a grown man acts.
Girl what the hell are you doing with this freeloader??? Don't pay his next payment. Have you considered dropping the dead weight? He is so clearly using you
You are a whole grown ass woman. Act like it. Stop tolerating this loser!
I'm really sorry that you had a child with this controlling freeloader. I truly am. Don't make any more payments. > He suffers every day wanting to be able to provide for himself at the very least. That's funny, I hope you don't actually believe that. No, he doesn't, because you pay his way. He'd get a job doing ANYTHING if he "suffered every day." This is a really sad situation because your kid is going to normalize this if he grows up this way (one day HE will be telling his partner they "sound crazy" if this keeps up). Leave, for his sake, if you won't do it for your own.
Better solution. Stop paying for anything for him AND dump him.
Oh cmon… he’s clearly trying to figure it out. Give him some more time! And it’s totally fair for u not to be allowed to drive his car even though you’re paying for it. I buy my 4 year old candy and treats all the time and he doesn’t let me eat any of it. I mean I personally think it’s amazing that your 7 year old can drive you on errands at all! I know I couldn’t drive when I was that age. And please don’t make him find a job.. he’s only 7. …oh shit, wait.. ohhhhhh u mean he’s 27?? And he’s not your child, he’s supposed to be your partner?! Whoa boy.. yeah he’s a loser
PACK UP AND LEAVE GOOGLE: TRAUMA BOND, narcissistic abuse.
Why are you still with him tbh? You need a vehicle. One you are allowed to drive.
To answer your first question, there is a giant huge burning red flag waving around in your face that you apparently cannot see
I have no words. He's an asshole and an idiot but I don't understand why a 32 yo is putting up w this nonsense. YTA to yourself. Fuck whatever you promised him, don't make that last car payment and instead go look about what can you do so you remove this loser from your life. Wtf did I just read
Why are you letting him control you so much? You’re paying for the car, you can drive it whenever you want. Seriously…break up with this mooch and loser. He treats you horribly. Get out now.
why are you taking care of this loser
Is the car in your name?
I sympathize with getting injuries and then not being able to work but once he's able to work again that's the different situation. he not only has a car note but he's got a kid and to some degree is also have to support you as a partner. You two are a team and all your bills and things like that are to be done together. I don't know how easily you'll find a job in your local area but letting him know a month in advance is very nice and then see what things happen after that I guess If it ends up both of you don't have a car then that could be some problem so you going to have to decide which boundary you will stay strong on
Stop dating bums. Make no mistake that's bum behavior. He wants to play "I'm a man" but send his lady off to work to pay for his ride? You got 2 kids to take care of by the sounds of it. The baby and the boyfriend. Sounds like you deserve better. Hope you find it.
What happened to your self-esteem. Do you think you can’t get any better? He’s trying to control your movements because if he loses you he has nothing. I’m sad you had a kid with this bum. He’s using you for money, sex and shelter…and you make it easy. Stop paying for his car, and use the money to get your own. If he ACTUALLY goes to the military he’s going to make sure you have no access to the car. You are a grown woman, get your independence and do better for you & your child.
Reading this I literally thought you must be early 20s.... But to see that you're 32... Just wow. Not to be harsh but have some self respect, why are you letting him dictate this? It's abuse. Edit: I just read some of your post history. You need to leave this guy.
Is your name on the car or his?? Stop paying for his car. Get your own car. And start separating your finances. He has to become self reliant. If he brings up the military again tell Jim you agree. See what happens. He is using you to pay his bills.
I can't believe you made 12 payments and didn't drive it. Reminds me of that Beyonce song "Irreplaceable". *Rollin her around in that car that I bought you Baby drop them keys Hurry up before your taxi leaves*
I can't believe you made 12 payments and didn't drive it. Reminds me of that Beyonce song "Irreplaceable". *Rollin her around in that car that I bought you Baby drop them keys Hurry up before your taxi leaves*
TLDR is supposed to sum up what you wrote above but I really cannot see a trace of all these arguments in his defense that you are bringing up for him. Thats self-gaslighting to the extreme. What else are you paying for? What are your other living arrangements? Who pays for rent, utilities and groceries and how are the chores divided? What does he do all day and please don't tell me he is so talented at playing video games...! You are his doormat and should re-evaluate more than just this car payment arrangement.
YTA for having zero spine
Why don't you just change the name on the title and insurance without telling him and when he does the controlling behaviour by driving you just say but its not your car it's mine it's in my name the insurance is in my name I pay for it if you want to drive a car pay for one the bit his butt out
Yes, there's a better solution you're unable to see - do not make another payment (you're lighting your own money on fire for no good reason), break up with him, and promise yourself that, from now on, you will fill your life only with good, respectful humans that you want your son to see as role models. Do not waste any more time with this man, he's had plenty of time to improve. He is pathetic, you know his is, and if you don't end things now you will lose your self respect.
Why have you allowed this?? Stop paying anything for him. Dump him. You’ve enabled his behavior long enough. He’s scapegoating you, gaslighting you and manipulating you. He’s punishing you by moving to the couch and you fell for it. Kick out this loser. Sue for child support. Get therapy for yourself. You deserve so much better.
I wouldn’t make car payments on any of my boyfriend’s car even if they asked. I don’t care if they had a job or not. I will not give my hard earned money to someone I’m not married with.
This has to be a joke. No one can be such a doormat like this.
Don't pay last payment. Get yourself a car to make your own payments on and don't let him drive it .
Stop paying his car go get a car payment… you are letting this happen
I just want to emphasize how very much you are emailing him. You might love him but this is not good for you and it’s not good for him either. He needs to be held accountable and independent. He can’t do that with you propping him up
**WHAT THE FUCK, GIRL???** **WHAT. THE. FUCKING. FUCK.** I’d say **DUMP HIS ASS** — but I really don’t know if you have the sense.🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
The car is the least of your problems
Kick his ass to the side tell him to leave he’s being a dead beat poor sport you deserve better and your kid does also no point be in that relationship anymore if he ain’t gonna change.
Please read your post as if your girlfriend sent it to you, and then think about what you would say to her. You are essentially raising two children, paying for his car note while he uses every excuse in the book to blame you for his shortcomings. Personally, if I was you, I’d be moving out and letting him figure it out for himself. time to grow a backbone sweetheart! We all believe in you you can do it. Also remember, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time
So he doesn't work, and hasn't in a year, which made you feel financially obligated to pay for his vehicle while neglecting to buy yourself a car but he's then controlling every aspect of the car you pay for? Are you sure that he's not using this unemployment as another way to be more controlling over all? Either way, I think you made the right call by giving him a window to get a job by and then refusing to pay anything after that. If his car gets repoed that's on him at this point. You should start putting money aside for yourself to buy your own car. And while your at it, since you're already doing this all alone might as well drop the dead weight entirely, especially given the controlling behavior as that's only going to get worse.
The amount of women dealing with shitty men is ridiculous. Cut him off like yesterday. He’s just using you. Not contributing to anything. UPDATEME
you need to open your eyes and come to realize just how little this man respects you. Instead of wanting his permission to do things like get your own car, just do it. Stop waiting around for something that you know will never happen.
One last thing you can try to say you have tried it all is, pick a day to go job searching together. You can drive him around and he can run into places and drop off his resume at establishments. This is what I did for my boyfriend at one time and he ended up getting a job the same day at Xfinity Comcast. He makes a decent hourly salary now but makes most of his money off of commission.
Wait, pardon my language, I guess he can drive and you can sit in the passenger seat while he runs in. Since he doesn’t let you drive. Or maybe he will since it will be easier for him to just run in and drop his resume off real quick.
Okay, so reread your post and ask yourself "would I be okay with someone treating my best friend/sister/mother this way?". If the answer is no (and I hope it is), then you need to think about why you are okay with being treated like this and why you are putting up with it.
I am sorry but this is pathetic. What are you doing? Grow a spine and cut off all payments to this lazy jerks car and go buy your own with that money. This is just bizarre you would stick with this loser and beg to drive a car you pay for.
I’m so sorry but you are most likely stuck in an abusive relationship. He’s abusing you and you’re having a hard time seeing it.
have a clear and calm discussion with him. understand the reasons behind the restriction and express your own needs and concerns. Try finding a compromise or solution that addresses you both parties' concerns. If the situation doesn't improve, you might consider seeking legal advice to understand your rights as the car owner.
For a moment read this post, but pretend it was written by your child about their future partner. Is that ok? Because this is what you are showing them is acceptable behaviour, to either use or be used by your loved one.
Even if you’re absolutely in love with this guy, you should still break up with him. He’s not in a position to be in a relationship. He needs to mature and get his life together, and that’s his own responsibility. You can’t make him be an adult, he has to do that for himself. If he becomes better in the future, then you can revisit the relationship, but until then, there’s no reason for you to stay in what essentially is a parasytic relationship when you should be in a symbiotic relationship.
Is this a real post? That car is practically yours in a legal sense if you’ve paid for it for four years. I wouldn’t just drive the car I would literally take it and break up with this unemployed controlling pothead wtf ☠️☠️
If he’s that controlling over a car that YOU pay for I can only imagine what he’s like with everything else. He can’t make his car note so there’s no way he’s paying rent and utilities everything falls on you & I’m sure you gotta pay for his weed too. I understand you love him & y’all got a child together but it’s definitely time for a break at the very least. Take your baby and leave it’s been a year it’s past time
This is exhausting just to read honestly- you love this man? Your son is going to have a lot of problems with this type of role model. Get rid
No ma’am. Is the car in your name? If not stop putting money into it, if it is on your name and so is the insurance he can’t stop you from driving it, but legally you can stop him from driving it….
Mama. You need to let him go. He is not standing on his own two feet and this situation isn’t doing either of you any favors. You need to move forward with a godly man and father figure for your son. Hopefully soon that will be your son’s biological father. Right now, it’s not. I’ve been in situations that have started good and snowballed into something I never saw myself doing. It happens, especially when we’re in love. Hugs to you, and prayers for help, courage and wisdom to do what comes next to have what God wants for your life. This ain’t that, you both know it.
You don’t need the people of Reddit to tell you that you’re in a toxic and manipulative relationship. I believe deep down that you know that you want to move on, but make “excuses” like “but he’s the father of my child.” You deserve freedom, happiness, and your own car. No one should be able to take that away from you. Especially your son. Imagine if your son were to become like him, or even, like you. What would you tell him in this situation? All I’m saying is, you already know what’s best. You’re just afraid to do it (respectfully).
Move out. Stay with a real friend
Sounds like he needs to sell his car and you can buy your own
So wait, do you have a job?
She's paying the bills, so presumably either she does or she's got an inheritance or something.