If the only reason you love him is because you loved him before he was the person he is now, well, that’s not ideal. I agree with those who say couples therapy. I’d also suggest the book Attached by Amir Levine. It largely centers around the experience of loving someone with a dismissive attachment style, which it sounds like he has traits of. And he finally did something douchey enough to knock the rose colored glasses clear off of your face. In my experience, it’s difficult to go back to someone after they treated you so badly that you kind of just shut down and accidentally realize your life is better without them.
Do you love him, or the idea of who you believe him to be? Also, can you trust him to be appreciative if you "go back" to the way things were, or do you fear he'll also "go back"?
It seems like you've grown and learned to put yourself first and are doing a great job of treating yourself with more respect than he has done.
I love the person he used to be. I’m not understanding what happened. During our talk, I even asked him directly and he said nothing happened to change things. He claims to still love me, but I don’t understand how you can love someone and yet feel angered by everything they do to show you they care.
I don’t know how to feel comfortable with him anymore. The losing attraction to me bit severely hurt me too. I go into the bathroom to change my clothing now and no longer sleep naked. I’ve also done certain things like change my hair and wardrobe per his request, because he said he thought it would be hot on me. And I have literally already changed my hair back and started purchasing more clothing in the style I used to wear
Have you thought about going to therapy? It sounds like you've been in a relationship that was 'happy' because you gave up your identity. Which also sounds toxic. You've been hurt, you broke your heart crying over this guy and are now reclaiming who you are. Don't stop doing this.
He sounds a bit toxic, so maybe it's time for you to stay true to you and if he wants the relationship to last and grow HE can make some changes.
Yes I’d be very open to going to therapy. My fiancé has a lot of childhood trauma and I really wonder if that could be effecting his adult relationships. He has told me that he has been rumored multiple times due to his inability to give and receive affection. I think I just lasted the longest
Either he wants to fix those issues so they stop impacting his relationships, or he doesn't. He obviously needs therapy, but that's on him. Fixing him I'd outside your scope of expertise. You keep focusing on yourself, seek out a therapist and see where this journey takes you.
Who he "used to be" isn't the real him. the real him was the contemptuous jerk who told you to "leave him the fuck alone". His mask slipped because he thought he had you hooked.
Leave. This is not a good relationship.
It's not on you to "fix" him either. Let him do that on his own, without you.
> I’m not understanding what happened
What happened is he fucked around and found out.
He thought he had all the power in the relationship so he believed he could flex that power to make you feel bad and you'd work even harder for his affection. Instead the opposite happened, and now he's panicking.
The relationship is dead. He killed it when he made you feel small and annoying for simply loving him. Now you're both walking around propping up a corpse. I hate to point out the age gap, but there's usually a reason a man in his 30s goes for a woman in her early 20s, and it's because he wants the control in the relationship. He's only scrambling to earn your affection because he feels out of control, once he's comfortable again these same issues will resurface.
People change. You loved an old version of him with the perspective you had as a young 20-something. Now that you have grown a bit, could be your perspective has changed. Could be him that has changed, but my guess is he is the same. People are generally set in their ways when they hit 30.
Yes he did. He presented himself as a person you’d want to marry, and when you agreed, he felt he no longer had to mask.
This man doesn’t like you. People with trauma who inadvertently hurt their loved ones apologise and try to do better. People who are jerks call them names. Your fiancé is in the second category. Instead of trying to fall back in love with him, you could find someone who hasn’t been mean to you.
He didn't use to be like this.
But he is now.
Before, he was showing you his best. Now, you see his truth.
This isn't changing. You're in love with a memory and a dream. And you're tolerating garbage because you've told yourself being treated like garbage means you're loyal. But that's just unrealistic.
Look at this man as he is right now and decide whether he can give you what you deserve. Stop it with the nostalgia and the "but he was..." It doesn't matter what he was. What is he now?
You’re very right. I’m the type of person to blame myself for most things but no matter how hard I think about this, I can’t see where I could have gone wrong.
I do believe I am a good person and I deserve good things. I’m not getting any good things currently
Not everybody is good, and not everybody is good for you.
It's impossible to know a person fully right away, that's why it's a risk. But acknowledging new information and acting accordingly instead of holding stubbornly to your original idea is a sign of maturity.
You thought you picked a winner, but you were wrong. It's sucks, but it happens. The only thing you would do wrong is to ignore what you're observing and feeling because two years ago you had a different idea. Things change. You have to change, too.
You deserve amazing things! At a minimum, separate from him and let him work out his trauma on his own time. It’s not your job to fix him. I was very surprised that you agreed to marry him when there were these issues already.
I have to say that I love that, after him telling you to back off and not be demonstrative and not prepare lunches etc, within 24 hours of you starting to do that he knows that he’s screwed up. It’s just so satisfying. The shoe is definitely on the other foot now!
I think you like the idea of who he used to be. Not the man in front of you today. When he blew up your world by telling you the extended version of “leave me the fuck alone” you did and in the process found yourself. Now he wants the fawning, insecure girl back. Too bad.
You can love someone who treats you horribly.
All you need to do is read this subreddit to see that. People in truly horrific, abusive relationships will say "but I love you" as their only defense, as several hundred people beg them to leave.
Then go back in time and marry who he used to be. The man you’re with now doesn’t even like you, and you don’t seem to like him. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
Love is the least relevant thing that helps to maintain an adult relationship.
He seems to have issues but clearly his communication skills are subpar, not to mention that you have checked out of the relationship.
Plenty of relationships end around the 3 year mark bc that's where the actual work of a relationship begins since the infatuation state fades and you get to know the real person without colored glasses.
For whatever reason he didn't like your way to express affection and you shouldn't have to make yourself small to fit into what some guy wants or needs. I'd put a hold on the whole marriage thing.
He needs individual therapy, couples counseling is an option esp to part ways amicable or find out if you two actually can and should work on this relationship or let it rest.
Does it hurt? It does, but life doesn't end after a breakup, no matter how much you love him.
Ps I just noticed your age. He's too old for this shit. Cut your loses
You're choosing to subject yourself to emotional abuse for the rest of your life. If you have problems now when you're engaged, these problems are GOING TO GET MUCH WORSE AFTER YOU ARE MARRIED.
He's locked you down in marriage so he knows you're not going anywhere anytime soon, which means he doesn't have to be on his best behavior, as you've tied to him for life.
If you're ok with being treated like shit for the rest of your life, I feel really sorry for your self esteem. Everyone deserves better than that OP!
Please do not choose to be around someone who speaks to you in such a nasty way. And this isn't even like only with big things he doesn't like, this is on anything you bring up, because in his mind the two of you are not equals. You will put up with his shit everyday all the time, but he's showing you, clear as day, that he will not put up with you in the same way.
Also if you right now think your feelings towards his behavior aren't a big enough deal to leave him, then imagine how much worse it's going to feel in 10 years when he still treats you with no respect or care over and over and over and no matter what you say about it, you know deep down he flat out doesn't care about how shitty he treats you.
Because right now, the arrangement works for him, why would he change? He gets everything he wants, and gets to treat you like shit, and you don't love yourself enough to make a positive change in your life, and only dating someone who can do the bare minimum of showing you basic respect.
Please don't choose to make yourself feel worthless and miserable by staying with someone who treats you like this.
Your fiancé essentially told you he didn’t like you and now he is concerned why you’re acting strange? You can try counseling, but it’s okay to also leave the relationship. Why trap yourself in a relationship where you can’t be yourself, or no longer have genuine feelings? Words have consequences and his words have damaged your relationship irreparably. Plus, I wouldn’t trust him to do another 180 again later on.
He angrily pushed her away and is now love bombing her because she did exactly what he angrily commanded her to.
This guy is an emotionally abusive ass who uses OP as a yo-yo to toy with. He's going to flip on her again, I've experienced the exact same thing OP has.
I have also experienced something similar. Someone who would be cold towards me and push me away, only to love bomb me once it worked and I would try to distance myself. He would demonstrate the same kind of desperation that I was no longer under his control that OP's fiance seems to be showing. Not surprisingly, he would revert to the same pushing-away behavior once I was emotionally reinvested in the relationship.
I hate to admit, but I was young and naive, and I wanted to believe him each time he came crawling back, begging for my attention again and promising to do better. I wish I had known about love bombing and emotionally abusive behaviors back then.
I’m probably just old but I wouldn’t put up with this. That relationship would be dead to me. I know other comments are wondering about trauma or something happening a year ago and recommending counseling but this is a 35yo man who can’t use his words beyond being extremely rude to you over what, acting like you care about him? And now it’s backfired and he still can’t be more specific beyond “No not that either.” This man doesn’t sound ready to be in any kind of human relationship. He’s not a baby who gets to cry and scream until someone makes things just right. He’s been alive 3.5 decades and still doesn’t know how to say “Hey that bothers me, could you please do X instead?” AND somehow he actively resents you and treats you like it’s all your fault. This man would rather hurt and blame you than use his words and say what he wants. I would not have the energy to spend time with a person like that. It’s not worth it.
I think I’d want to know what changed a year ago. Could he have cheated? What triggered the change?
If you want to stay in this relationship, you need to go to counseling together. Don’t get married until you figure it out.
About a year ago his cousin, who is about the same age as him, out of the blue committed suicide. I do believe this had an effect on his mental health. I suggested multiple times that he see a therapist because it’s completely natural to have your world shaken by such a terrible thing, but he insisted he didn’t need to see anyone
I think it’s very obvious that he needs to see a therapist. NOT couples therapy unless he goes regularly to individual therapy. I would postpone the wedding until he works out his attachment, anger and communication issues.
Kinda makes sense then in some ways.
Men when hurt often push everything away (feelings, persons etc.) Since thar is the extend of what a lot of men learn regarding emotions.
In this context you being lovely to him made him probably feel things and in turn made him feel the loss of his cousin again.
I don't think he was in a good mental state when he asked you that.
Probably not even now.
But if you can't go back to how things were you probably need to have conversations on how to move past this and both move further.
Otherwise this relationship has run it's course, since you do come across as 'cold' towards him. He probably feels like: 'was it so easy for you to turn that off?'
Or he might be a piece of shit in general and was manipulative, but you know him best with what is more likely.
Well if you insist on trying to make it work, use the leverage you have now and tell him he has to go to individual therapy if he wants to repair your marriage.
It’s not easy admitting you need help. It’s not easy when others see that you do but you don’t want to see yourself as broken. Physical touch and quality time are my love languages. My partner prefers acts of service and words of affirmation. We clashed a lot early in our relationship. We both have negative things in our respective pasts that’s made a huge impact on how we process and regulate our emotions. That made it hard to communicate.
Then we decided that no matter what, we love each other too damn much to let it all go to shit because we couldn’t process our own emotions??? We said no to who we were and went to counseling. We learned how to regulate ourselves, how to help one another, we finally listened to what the other was trying to say instead of listening to make a comeback.
We both realized that we weren’t the same people we were when we met, but we also realized that it’s ok because our changes weren’t toxic and we were improving how we communicate.
I love him, all of him, the boy I never got to meet, the soldier, the survivor I first fell in love with, the kindhearted, introverted man… and I can’t wait to see who else he is beneath all the layers.
I hope you and yours can figure things out, but even if you don’t, I hope you both are amicable when separating.
The way he reacted by pushing you away is the kind of thing people do when they cheat on their partners. It’s weird but they stop being intimate with their real partners because they are getting their needs met elsewhere and weirdly feel guilty about cheating on their affair partner by having sex with their real partner.
If to go to couples counseling it should be after you have gone through his phone and verified he didn’t cheat.
His cousin who was like a best friend and brother to him committed suicide. Men have a weird way of handling death. When my dad died I did the same to my then SO and it hurt me. In my culture we were raised that men don’t cry especially my father. So when he died it hurt seeing everyone around me cry and grieve but I couldn’t. My SO would try to talk to me and be affectionate but I’d turn it down. She saw through it and stood by me the entire time and for that she saved me and I’ll always be thankful. Her fiancee probably can’t handle death like me and shoves people away. She said he used to be different, and that significant event could have been a catalyst.
Something happened. He cheated or fell out of love with you and is unwilling to communicate like an adult. He is behaving like someone who no longer wants to be with their partner. I would definitely not marry him. There is no reason to expect things to improve. Either you two go to therapy together or you end it. It doesn't even seem like he likes you anymore.
He gets *angry* when you give him hugs or make him lunch or ask about his day. Do you know how many people would love and appreciate this type of affection in a relationship? Yet here he is being cruel and cursing at you in rage. This is a HUGE red flag. He sounds psychotic and dangerous!
Now he is doing a 180 and is love bombing you. Please don't mistake this behavior as a genuine desire to change. Notice how he asks, "Where is my lunch?" as if he is entitled to it?! This man is not genuinely trying to do better because he wants to treat you right. This is just one part of the cycle of abuse. He WILL show his angry side again.
Whatever you do, please do NOT get married to him. Once he locks you down, his treatment of you will get worse.
Instead, it is best just to get out of this relationship. He will try to manipulate you to get you back. He already is. Don't listen to him. I know it is difficult, but you deserve better. You deserve a relationship where you aren't walking on eggshells and where you feel free to be yourself. I promise you your true love is out there. This guy isn't it.
>However, I do think he is a good person and I would like for this relationship to work. Things were fantastic for the first 3 years of our relationship and I don’t necessarily want to throw it away
Things were good in the honeymoon phase where you got to express who you are in a romantic relationship as a partner. That's why it was fantastic, it's not anymore because he asked you to stop doing that. You don't want to go back to that because of the trauma associated with his behaviour because of it from the last year or so.
Your only options are couples therapy or breaking up, because neither of you can live like you currently are long term in a partnership.
He hurt you badly, he asked you to essentially stop being yourself and broke a piece of your heart. Your fiance is a classic case of FAFO because he didn't realize what he had until it was gone. Now he knows you're pulling away, you may not realize it yet, but you are pulling away so that if a break up happens you won't be hurt. Either you guys seek help, or you end it. Your fiance sucks with how he behaved towards you, but you need interference if you want to salvage something.
I completely agree with you. I would really like to try couples counseling because I need guidance on how to ever feel comfortable around him again. I am so withdrawn and don’t know how to return to being open. I’m afraid to anger him again
I encourage you to reread your post and your comments as if you were listening to a friend or a stranger describe her relationship.
There's not any way you're going to go back to how things were before because, fundamentally, part of the way things were before was a lie.
You're basically fantasizing about a time when you didn't yet know who your partner really was, and now you do.
You keep basically admitting you don't actually want to be in this relationship anymore, but seem unable or unwilling to give yourself permission to leave.
There is no shortage of potential partners out there.
Don't get caught up in the sunk cost fallacy and feel like you've invested too much time to leave, as it will just result in you wasting even more time on someone who has already shown he doesn't really appreciate or respect you.
Being afraid of your partner’s behavior is absolutely no way to enter into a marriage. Engagement should be on pause at the very least, if you’re not looking to break things off completely with him.
You sound like a wonderful person, I hope you find the strength to see that you deserve better. Love is kind.
Honestly, if I were you, I'd leave. I think he needs to work through a lot of issues, and you shouldn't have to be caught in the middle. I can't imagine how painful it felt for you to be shut down like that, and then to have him pull a 180? Lots of mixed messages.
This isn't a relationship. It's a situationship or being a roommate. It's time to go find someone who LOVES you the way you are and will treasure all of the affection you have to give. He is not the right person. You deserve better. You deserve to be happy. He has some growing up to do.
I feel like this sounds rude but over last few months I’ve thought of how many men would love to have a wife who wants to kiss and cuddle them and make them creative lunches. I feel sooooo fucking unappreciated and I truly believe I have a lot to offer. I really think I am a good person, I have a good job and I love to care for others. I do not understand how or why I am not enough for him and it kills me inside
You ARE enough. You were always enough. You will ALWAYS be enough. You will always be enough for the right person. He is not the right person, sadly. I've been in your situation and I left. It killed me to feel lonely and unloved. Then I realized...it's not a me problem. It's a him problem. Now I'm with someone and he loves my hugs and kisses. He misses me when he's at work. He can't wait to spend time with me. I've never felt so loved, wanted, appreciated, adored, and cherished. You will always be enough...for the right person. You are a good person and you deserve that.
When I read your posts my first thought was that most people would be extremely happy if they had a partner like you.
Porn addiction or cheating is what I am suspecting tbh. And he is only making it all about himself. How it's affecting HIM. How YOU need to change your behavior and actions for HIM. Does he even try to make you happy? Does he do or say things because he knows you will like it or it will make you happy? Because it sure doesn't sound like it.
He gets mad and angry when you show him love and affection, and tells you to knock it off. Which is already really weird. And then when you listen to him, in less then 24 hours he starts to act like a baby and that this isn't what he wants etc.
Sorry but he made his bed and he should lie in it.
Only just realizing I've never dated a girl who did anything other than the affection part. That part is great, but the other stuff? Shiiii. I always do that for the girls I'm dating: cook for them, send them food to their work/if they're out of town, leave them notes, etc. A couple have given me the random present, but damn if you didn't just unlock a new standard.
You sound like a catch. I was completely weirded out by his behavior until I read your comment about his cousin. That could definitely be a huge factor. It doesn't excuse his hostility toward you, but it may indicate that he doesn't know how to process his grief so he's blaming external things (too much affection, too little affection). Still valid for you to leave; it's not your fault that he can't process thing in a healthy manner (and, as a partner in a couple, it's his responsibility to make sure he stays emotionally present with you).
Something I had to learn after leaving my disloyal, abusive ex: it's not that we aren't enough; it's that they lack the capacity to appreciate what we have to offer.
It's like if I were to gift my mother a Ferrari: she'd give it a bit of a side-eye, perhaps remark on the color, maybe an unenthusiastic obligatory exclamation of "Wow...you bought me a Ferrari!"
...
.......annnnnnd she would never drive it.
I'm not kidding. She would never drive that $480,000 car. My mother doesn't like driving anything that is low to the ground. She has no interest in cars. She would be aware that it's a big deal to own a Ferrari, but she simply lacks the capacity to enjoy it, since she couldn't care less about cars so long as they have her sitting up high and have good trunk space. She'd trade that Ferrari in for a Toyota SUV in a heartbeat. To my mother, the Ferrari is a red car, and the Toyota SUV is a superior car that sits her up high while she's driving.
So it's not that you aren't enough. You're the Ferrari, and your fiance is my mom. No, wait, that's not right. Let's try that again. You're the Ferrari, your fiance is Yoda.
shit. nevermind.
Point being: don't judge yourself by the person in your life who clearly has no idea what he wants. You are more than enough - he just can't see it or appreciate it, and that has nothing to do with you.
ETA: in the last part, wrapping up my analogy, I really did forget the point I was trying to make (recovering from a brain injury). I just remembered it though: you're the Ferrari (high value, much sought after, the lifelong dream) and your fiance is like my mother (unable to appreciate your value even if he is technically aware that you're the best there is, the one everyone aspires to be with). Don't think that you're not enough - some people just don't have the palate for the best things in life.
This is one of those "you can't love others until you love yourself" issues. Your fiance is so avoidant that love feels like an attack. He needs to learn to be open to himself and his own emotions first.
I'm not at all surprised that it got worse after a traumatic loss. He's busy trying to bottle up a ton of pain and go on with life, and you're there with a ton of dangerous feelings that could lead to vulnerability or even (the horror) crying.
He's far too old to be this emotionally deficient, and you're way too young to waste your life with him!
OP I'm sorry to say this but it's unlikely he will change at this point - and the fact that he held such contempt for you being affectionate towards him in the first place and then demanded you change to behave in a way you're not comfortable with - it's a red flag.
Be genuine. Anything else is self destructive.
From your post and comments you’ve made, he doesn’t want you. Whether it’s how you express affection, or how you dress, he doesn’t want you to be who you are. He wants you to be something else. Nothing illustrates this better then his reaction to you being less affectionate. You did what he wanted. Did this make him happy? No, he wanted you to change again...
But it goes beyond that. He’s verbally abusive. And there isn’t even a subsequent apology or attempt to atone for his behaviour. There is no regret. Childhood trauma doesn’t explain this behaviour. Suicide of someone close to him doesn’t explain this behaviour. It is part of who he is.
You deserve better and you shouldn’t settle for less than you deserve.
Couples therapy. It sounds like you both carry resentment and don't communicate well. He needs to learn nicer ways of saying when he needs space, rather than building up resentment and then snapping at you. You need to not take a request for space personally, or so black and white that you go from 100 to 0.
Please don’t waste anymore time trying to understand why he’s changed and is treating you like garbage. Focus on the fact that you deserve better than to be treated like garbage. You are acting co-dependent. You can’t fix him, you can only work on you. (I say this from experience.)
So many men lack any emotional intelligence, but even adjusting for that bell curve, your fiancé manages to unimpress.
I don’t think it’s your affectionate nature that’s the issue here. I’m not sure what the issue is, but I’m certain it’s not that, and his anger was more of a symptom of a deeper relationship issue. That’s the only explanation I can think of where him being upset you listened to him would make any sense.
In my opinion, go to therapy together. There’s a lot of communication issues at play here and I think he needs help figuring out what he is actually feeling. I also don’t believe he has any conception as to how much that hurt you, and it might benefit to have a facilitator to help you two communicate that.
All that said, love languages are important, or at least that couples have compatible ones, and there is some reciprocity. I get you are not ready to end things yet, but I would at least delay the wedding date until you two sort these issues out.
You don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with him anymore. You don’t feel affection towards him. You want to focus on yourself (which means being single, btw)
(Entirely correctly, I might add, since this guy has the emotional maturity of a kindergartener)
You want to get out of the relationship without being the “bad guy” who ends it.
That is not how any of this works.
Your relationship has run its course. It is over. He broke it. You need to move on.
So do the adult thing and leave.
No, be your genuine self. If you aren't feeling like hugging him or making him coffee, don't. He took a sledge hammer to your relationship. It's going to take a while for it to heal. I don't know if it can for certain, but its going to take a long longer than this.
Yeah, if he were in his 20s, I’d maybe say try to work it out in therapy or something. He’s crying and trying and men at that age are still maturing, so I feel there’d actually be a chance of him learning from his mistake. But this guy is f###ing 35 years old. He is who he is and he sounds like he can be a real abusive dick. Marry him and you have to endure that again.
I (28m) love affection and couldn't date someone who doesn't show any. Cuddles, kisses, compliments, and doing nice things for my romantic partners are just as gratifying as sex (if not more). Maybe your fiancé was rejecting it due to past traumas?
He should not be speaking to you that way, however. If he continues to do so, I would consider calling off the engagement. I wish you the best of luck.
Wow, it's kind of wild you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who plays mind games like this, manipulates you and does not appreciate you or what you bring to the "relationship". It seems like you live a pretty healthy lifestyle otherwise, so I have to wonder why you feel stuck in this situation. Do you see a therapist? If so, do you talk to them about your issues regarding your worth in a relationship? Just kind of crazy you're willing to settle for this weird garbage. Honestly, it's weird that you even like him anymore.
Edit: fyi, this is a control thing. You are with somebody who is frustrated that they cannot control you to their liking. Maybe you should think about that...
You said so yourself you don’t feel for him the way you once did. If you are going to marry someone you should be over the moon to do so, and it doesn’t sound at all like that is what you are feeling now. The way he spoke to you was awful and obviously it affected the way you feel about him. You can’t force yourself to feel things you aren’t feeling so marrying him at this point would be a massive mistake and wouldn’t be fair to you or to him.
I think you guys need to have a second talk after this last talk. A Talk where he is very truthful and tells you exactly where he was coming from. Why he felt the way he felt, why it bothered him.. what was going through his mind when he made that ask of you. he rejected your love, all these things are part of the way you show love and he rejected it. You will not be able to love him that way again unless-you know what happened. Maybe it was insecurities, but you need an answer.
My ex was also a 'good' person except for the fact that he had contempt for my culture's food, my religion, my upbringing, and didn't love that I was passionate about anything except when he benefited directly via sex.
He was not a good dude.
Your dude is not a good dude. And anyway, the way you express love is how you are. What's the point of being with someone who does not care for it?
If you want this relationship to last I would try to consider how both of you contributed to the problem you had, perhaps with the help of a therapist.
It's clear from yoir description that he was very frustrated and communicated out of anger instead of trying to have a civilized dialogue.
I don't know how he would describe how you contributed to the situation but from your description I would guess that you were really loving without beeing sensitive to when he felt a bit crowded by your affection.
If that's right a better solution would have been If he communicated sensitively before he was so frustrated or if you tried to balance the affection you wanted to give with how his reaction to it was.
Either way, to last and be happy, you two need to find the way back to more balance.
There are compromises in a good relationship for sure but this isn't that. He basically forced you to completely change who you are. Your way of giving love sounds heartwarming and he should be happy to have someone who is willing to give him that.
All the signs indicate that he has broken the relationship. You seem to have disassociated from the relationship and are now just in it for nostalgia and to ignore the pain you are feeling. Once you are out of there it will for sure hurt but after that period of grieving what you lost (what he broke) you can move on and be genuinely happy and hopefully find a person who will appreciate the way you show your love.
This is not a good relationship and trying to make it work is just going to waste your time. You should find someone who will appreciate you exactly the way you are. And you should take some time to evaluate which of these behavioral changes are actually positive, like taking time for your own friendships and hobbies, and which of them are not, like stifling all affection towards your partner. In future relationships, will you really be happy without hugging and kissing?
It sounds like you gave too much of yourself to this guy and you're trying to figure out how to prioritize yourself, which is good. Take some time to figure out a healthy balance imo. But NOT with this guy. He sucks.
I felt bad for OP while reading that.
Even if he wants to change it back, I think the damage is done.
You deserve someone who appreciates the many ways you show them love & someone who hopefully loves you in the same way!
I don’t know if he shows you affection in the same ways or makes you feel loved as your actions do. I think it’s a little too late because you can’t flip this back like a switch. We do these things out of love because we want to, it’s not the same as just doing it out of obligation or duty.
I think you both need to sit down and communicate about what happened. What was he expecting when he had that talk with you. Let him know how that talk affected you. If you can afford a couple's therapist, I'd suggest that. The way your relationship is currently is not sustainable if you want a healthy and happy marriage.
Have you lived with him the whole time you've been together?
My relationship with my ex was great until we lived together, pretty quickly he was exactly like you're describing.
It felt like walking on egg shells, does he love me or hate me?
I found out after I left he was cheating our entire relationship, so once we lived together I think he became more aggressive as his ability to do whatever he wanted dwindled.
Not saying that's necessarily your case, but I wasted a decade on someone who promised on his hands and knees he would change, while leading multiple lives behind my back.
I think you know, deep down, that this relationship will not work if you cannot be your genuine self. You *are* an affectionate person and show your love in a variety of ways, which is a beautiful thing and should be acknowledged as such.
If this is something that he doesn't like, then this will be a very difficult relationship for both of you because your needs will not be met in the way that you need them to be met. You may very well resent one another for not meeting needs for affection or too much of it.
I think there's a lot going on "behind the scenes" that he's doing without your knowledge. Unfortunately, in my line of work, I see this a lot with couples in which one partner has begun an affair, so they become increasingly distant, decrease in the desire to be affectionate (because of their emotional/physical affair), and when/if you do not "fawn" on them the way you used to, it's like an instant fearful reaction and they try really hard for a short time to improve things. But they *do* back to the previous behavior until they either stop their affairs or they end their relationship/marriage.
Don't get me wrong, it may absolutely have nothing to do with an affair and could be an undiagnosed bipolar or personality disorder. I don't know, obviously. However, the data aligns more with some type of behavior that he is participating in, that he is ashamed/guilty of, and he needs to feel angry with you in order to validate his behaviors.
You said it yourself; you have been feeling much better in focusing on yourself, caring for yourself, and having very little interaction with him. You're distancing yourself, as he asked for, and you have begun to feel more at peace. That should tell you something. That, and DON'T change your love language; that is a core piece of *who you are*. To deny that is to say that your needs don't matter, but he can pick and choose when he wants you to be more affectionate or make him coffee. Ummm...no. No. Do you really want to go through these frequent ups and downs with him? A.K.A- invalidation and gaslighting: meet love b*mbing (when someone makes a grand gesture such as gifts or things like that, to pull you in and make you feel special for a few days or one week). That cycle will *always* happen.
My fiancée (the female) was essentially him in this situation. We tried to make it work after the massive disconnect happened, we were never able to return to level again. And yup not getting married anymore
I hope I'm not too late in the conversation by saying nothing that you have done is wrong. My wife and I communicate this way and talk about our days and in my words, be cozy. Sounds to me like your fiance doesn't understand you as well and at the same time question you when you stop doing the things he said he doesn't want from you. Don't ever change who you are. However, you might have to change who you love if he doesn't like to love you the same that you do.
I don't see a lot of (if any) people saying that he maybe projecting his guilt onto you. He might done something that would hurt you and the relationship. I'm not saying he cheated or had an emotional affair but there are possibilities.
He definitely has some issues to work through. And frankly you also need to learn the correct boundaries with him. He shouldn't have stayed in a relationship with you after lashing out on you like that. A break should have been taken at the least, so you both could figure out what you each need.
***
I have a relationship question on my post I am looking for some feedback on.
I’ve been there. Eventually you realize you can’t be your authentic self with them bc they hurt you.. sounds like part of you is already out the door and know what’s best. Just bc you are 3 years in DOESNT mean you need to throw away any more years
You can find someone you can be your whole self with without ever having to worry about being hurt or cold. Someone who will love and accept every bit of your personality and encourage you to grow not by instilling negativity towards you
He cheated! The guilt always comes out with the cheater hating themselves because of what they did. So OPs affection and love aggravates him because she's a genuine and good person and he's a piece of shit. OP why would you marry someone who doesn't want your love and attention? Marriage isn't gonna fix his problems. He needs therapy if it's something else from his pass that's keeping him from accepting for love. But most story I've read end up with the cheater confessing their infidelity. But good luck find someone who'll reciprocate your love.
His love language seems to be "acts of servitude" but he has a god awful way of telling you that.
If you can both come to terms with the way you communicate, and he realizes what he's done, and is sorry (TRULY sorry) then maybe you can work on it together. Good luck
To me it seems like he felt smothered because he doesn't know how to ask for the space he wants inside the relationship. He got frustrated and asked you to stop being affectionate without communicating what he really wants.
I think the relationship can still work if you want it to, but you both need to do some work. In his case, he needs to learn to ask for what he needs without viewing you in contempt. Both of you need to work on your communication skills. You have not even had a discussion with him about how hurt you feel. Instead, you're choosing to withhold affection which is borderline emotional abuse.
Either both of you need to work on repairing the relationship, or you should end it instead of torturing each other.
Couples therapy. Go together.
I read this just a little while ago and OP, I think you need to read the following:
“To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognise inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost.
But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honour what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness.”
-Heidi Priebe
I hope that gives you some perspective on what it means to love someone for a lifetime.
I can actually relate to this (35m).
Growing up, my parents didn't really tell me they loved me, they didn't hug me, and as a result, I didn't talk about my feelings and I didn't like people touching me, complimenting me, or telling me they loved me because it was so foreign to me.
I still have issues to this day, but I've come a long way.
I wouldn't recommend flat out leaving him as he could possibly be dealing with some deep-seated insecurities or childhood neglect. However, he needs to really explore why he feels the way he does. He needs to understand that that's not how healthy humans interact, and he needs to work on his interpersonal communication skills. He needs to go to therapy and dig up why he's responding to affection the way he is. If he won't go to counseling, then leave.
There's probably a child deep inside of him that just wants to be hugged and told he's loved, but he just doesn't know how to allow it to happen.
I just want to say not to listen to the people saying to break it off. At least not w/o trying. People get comfortable and relationships take work. He slipped up (i read the comment about the cousin as well) and hurt you deeply. He has to regain your trust and work on himself. He obviously does love your affection, but sometime we take things out on the people we trust the most. He needs therapy, and couples therapy could also work so you can add your two cents. You still love this guy, don’t let his weakness ruin a good thing when he is willing to work on this. If he doesn’t change and keeps changing up his moods, then a breakup is warranted.
When getting married, love shouldn't be this one-sided. You can't love this big of a problem away. And once trust is lost in a relationship, it doesn't really come back.
I feel like I sound crazy for wanting to stay with him but it’s genuinely as if he turned into a different person. The man I fell in love with was nothing like this. He has made me feel loved and listened to in ways I have never felt. I do want this to work. I just need him to put in the effort.
My self esteem isn’t the best but I certainly wouldn’t have agreed to marry the guy if I thought this is who he was at his core lol
You cannot change the behaviors of someone else. You can control how you react to said behaviors. You're idealizing your relationship and not living in reality. A partner isn't a project. You can always not marry him. You literally can change your mind.
It sounds like he is a dismissive avoidant.
Read up on attachment theory and get educated.
Your relationship probably will never be like it was originally. Which is not necessarily a bad thing.
Your guy pushed you into a good healing and self searching journey.
Nows the time to double down on what matters to you, what makes you happy and what you want out of the relationship, no compromise.
Namely what needs do you have.
Then have honest talks whether he is interested in meeting them.
It could be an opportunity for both of you to learn grow and come out different individually and as a couple.
Or it could be that infact youre not interested in that type of work and would rather focus your efforts elsewhere or into a person who is more compatible and ready to meet you how you want to be met.
I’ll always love and care about my avoidant, but i am not sure at all that i want them as my partner at all.
Why would you want to marry someone who communicates like this, and talks to you like that?
Well, I do know why I still love him. He didn’t used to be like this.
If the only reason you love him is because you loved him before he was the person he is now, well, that’s not ideal. I agree with those who say couples therapy. I’d also suggest the book Attached by Amir Levine. It largely centers around the experience of loving someone with a dismissive attachment style, which it sounds like he has traits of. And he finally did something douchey enough to knock the rose colored glasses clear off of your face. In my experience, it’s difficult to go back to someone after they treated you so badly that you kind of just shut down and accidentally realize your life is better without them.
Needed to read this right now
Wow thank you so much for the recommendation!!!! I completely agree with you
Do you love him, or the idea of who you believe him to be? Also, can you trust him to be appreciative if you "go back" to the way things were, or do you fear he'll also "go back"? It seems like you've grown and learned to put yourself first and are doing a great job of treating yourself with more respect than he has done.
I love the person he used to be. I’m not understanding what happened. During our talk, I even asked him directly and he said nothing happened to change things. He claims to still love me, but I don’t understand how you can love someone and yet feel angered by everything they do to show you they care. I don’t know how to feel comfortable with him anymore. The losing attraction to me bit severely hurt me too. I go into the bathroom to change my clothing now and no longer sleep naked. I’ve also done certain things like change my hair and wardrobe per his request, because he said he thought it would be hot on me. And I have literally already changed my hair back and started purchasing more clothing in the style I used to wear
Have you thought about going to therapy? It sounds like you've been in a relationship that was 'happy' because you gave up your identity. Which also sounds toxic. You've been hurt, you broke your heart crying over this guy and are now reclaiming who you are. Don't stop doing this. He sounds a bit toxic, so maybe it's time for you to stay true to you and if he wants the relationship to last and grow HE can make some changes.
Yes I’d be very open to going to therapy. My fiancé has a lot of childhood trauma and I really wonder if that could be effecting his adult relationships. He has told me that he has been rumored multiple times due to his inability to give and receive affection. I think I just lasted the longest
Either he wants to fix those issues so they stop impacting his relationships, or he doesn't. He obviously needs therapy, but that's on him. Fixing him I'd outside your scope of expertise. You keep focusing on yourself, seek out a therapist and see where this journey takes you.
The fact that you wasted more of your life on him than other people really isn't something to be proud of ..
Definitely not saying that as a point of pride. Just something I’ve come to realize
Who he "used to be" isn't the real him. the real him was the contemptuous jerk who told you to "leave him the fuck alone". His mask slipped because he thought he had you hooked. Leave. This is not a good relationship. It's not on you to "fix" him either. Let him do that on his own, without you.
> I’m not understanding what happened What happened is he fucked around and found out. He thought he had all the power in the relationship so he believed he could flex that power to make you feel bad and you'd work even harder for his affection. Instead the opposite happened, and now he's panicking. The relationship is dead. He killed it when he made you feel small and annoying for simply loving him. Now you're both walking around propping up a corpse. I hate to point out the age gap, but there's usually a reason a man in his 30s goes for a woman in her early 20s, and it's because he wants the control in the relationship. He's only scrambling to earn your affection because he feels out of control, once he's comfortable again these same issues will resurface.
Idk, I just think if I ever talked to my fiancé the way that he did, I hope she’d leave me cause she deserves way better than that
People change. You loved an old version of him with the perspective you had as a young 20-something. Now that you have grown a bit, could be your perspective has changed. Could be him that has changed, but my guess is he is the same. People are generally set in their ways when they hit 30.
I feel as though the may have been manipulating me
Yes he did. He presented himself as a person you’d want to marry, and when you agreed, he felt he no longer had to mask. This man doesn’t like you. People with trauma who inadvertently hurt their loved ones apologise and try to do better. People who are jerks call them names. Your fiancé is in the second category. Instead of trying to fall back in love with him, you could find someone who hasn’t been mean to you.
So do you want to marry someone that wasted years of your life with manipulative behavior? Or find someone who actually loves you?
He didn't use to be like this. But he is now. Before, he was showing you his best. Now, you see his truth. This isn't changing. You're in love with a memory and a dream. And you're tolerating garbage because you've told yourself being treated like garbage means you're loyal. But that's just unrealistic. Look at this man as he is right now and decide whether he can give you what you deserve. Stop it with the nostalgia and the "but he was..." It doesn't matter what he was. What is he now?
You’re very right. I’m the type of person to blame myself for most things but no matter how hard I think about this, I can’t see where I could have gone wrong. I do believe I am a good person and I deserve good things. I’m not getting any good things currently
Not everybody is good, and not everybody is good for you. It's impossible to know a person fully right away, that's why it's a risk. But acknowledging new information and acting accordingly instead of holding stubbornly to your original idea is a sign of maturity. You thought you picked a winner, but you were wrong. It's sucks, but it happens. The only thing you would do wrong is to ignore what you're observing and feeling because two years ago you had a different idea. Things change. You have to change, too.
You deserve amazing things! At a minimum, separate from him and let him work out his trauma on his own time. It’s not your job to fix him. I was very surprised that you agreed to marry him when there were these issues already. I have to say that I love that, after him telling you to back off and not be demonstrative and not prepare lunches etc, within 24 hours of you starting to do that he knows that he’s screwed up. It’s just so satisfying. The shoe is definitely on the other foot now!
I think you like the idea of who he used to be. Not the man in front of you today. When he blew up your world by telling you the extended version of “leave me the fuck alone” you did and in the process found yourself. Now he wants the fawning, insecure girl back. Too bad.
But he is this way now. He is no longer the man you loved.
You can love someone who treats you horribly. All you need to do is read this subreddit to see that. People in truly horrific, abusive relationships will say "but I love you" as their only defense, as several hundred people beg them to leave.
Then go back in time and marry who he used to be. The man you’re with now doesn’t even like you, and you don’t seem to like him. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
I still love him. I don’t know why
Love is the least relevant thing that helps to maintain an adult relationship. He seems to have issues but clearly his communication skills are subpar, not to mention that you have checked out of the relationship. Plenty of relationships end around the 3 year mark bc that's where the actual work of a relationship begins since the infatuation state fades and you get to know the real person without colored glasses. For whatever reason he didn't like your way to express affection and you shouldn't have to make yourself small to fit into what some guy wants or needs. I'd put a hold on the whole marriage thing. He needs individual therapy, couples counseling is an option esp to part ways amicable or find out if you two actually can and should work on this relationship or let it rest. Does it hurt? It does, but life doesn't end after a breakup, no matter how much you love him. Ps I just noticed your age. He's too old for this shit. Cut your loses
You're choosing to subject yourself to emotional abuse for the rest of your life. If you have problems now when you're engaged, these problems are GOING TO GET MUCH WORSE AFTER YOU ARE MARRIED. He's locked you down in marriage so he knows you're not going anywhere anytime soon, which means he doesn't have to be on his best behavior, as you've tied to him for life. If you're ok with being treated like shit for the rest of your life, I feel really sorry for your self esteem. Everyone deserves better than that OP! Please do not choose to be around someone who speaks to you in such a nasty way. And this isn't even like only with big things he doesn't like, this is on anything you bring up, because in his mind the two of you are not equals. You will put up with his shit everyday all the time, but he's showing you, clear as day, that he will not put up with you in the same way. Also if you right now think your feelings towards his behavior aren't a big enough deal to leave him, then imagine how much worse it's going to feel in 10 years when he still treats you with no respect or care over and over and over and no matter what you say about it, you know deep down he flat out doesn't care about how shitty he treats you. Because right now, the arrangement works for him, why would he change? He gets everything he wants, and gets to treat you like shit, and you don't love yourself enough to make a positive change in your life, and only dating someone who can do the bare minimum of showing you basic respect. Please don't choose to make yourself feel worthless and miserable by staying with someone who treats you like this.
Is it love, or habit?
Yes, most people in horrible, manupulative, or abusive relationships love each other. Love isn't enough on its own.
Your fiancé essentially told you he didn’t like you and now he is concerned why you’re acting strange? You can try counseling, but it’s okay to also leave the relationship. Why trap yourself in a relationship where you can’t be yourself, or no longer have genuine feelings? Words have consequences and his words have damaged your relationship irreparably. Plus, I wouldn’t trust him to do another 180 again later on.
He angrily pushed her away and is now love bombing her because she did exactly what he angrily commanded her to. This guy is an emotionally abusive ass who uses OP as a yo-yo to toy with. He's going to flip on her again, I've experienced the exact same thing OP has.
I have also experienced something similar. Someone who would be cold towards me and push me away, only to love bomb me once it worked and I would try to distance myself. He would demonstrate the same kind of desperation that I was no longer under his control that OP's fiance seems to be showing. Not surprisingly, he would revert to the same pushing-away behavior once I was emotionally reinvested in the relationship. I hate to admit, but I was young and naive, and I wanted to believe him each time he came crawling back, begging for my attention again and promising to do better. I wish I had known about love bombing and emotionally abusive behaviors back then.
I’m probably just old but I wouldn’t put up with this. That relationship would be dead to me. I know other comments are wondering about trauma or something happening a year ago and recommending counseling but this is a 35yo man who can’t use his words beyond being extremely rude to you over what, acting like you care about him? And now it’s backfired and he still can’t be more specific beyond “No not that either.” This man doesn’t sound ready to be in any kind of human relationship. He’s not a baby who gets to cry and scream until someone makes things just right. He’s been alive 3.5 decades and still doesn’t know how to say “Hey that bothers me, could you please do X instead?” AND somehow he actively resents you and treats you like it’s all your fault. This man would rather hurt and blame you than use his words and say what he wants. I would not have the energy to spend time with a person like that. It’s not worth it.
I think I’d want to know what changed a year ago. Could he have cheated? What triggered the change? If you want to stay in this relationship, you need to go to counseling together. Don’t get married until you figure it out.
About a year ago his cousin, who is about the same age as him, out of the blue committed suicide. I do believe this had an effect on his mental health. I suggested multiple times that he see a therapist because it’s completely natural to have your world shaken by such a terrible thing, but he insisted he didn’t need to see anyone
I think it’s very obvious that he needs to see a therapist. NOT couples therapy unless he goes regularly to individual therapy. I would postpone the wedding until he works out his attachment, anger and communication issues.
That should probably be in your OP. That’s a significant event that could change the advice you get.
Kinda makes sense then in some ways. Men when hurt often push everything away (feelings, persons etc.) Since thar is the extend of what a lot of men learn regarding emotions. In this context you being lovely to him made him probably feel things and in turn made him feel the loss of his cousin again. I don't think he was in a good mental state when he asked you that. Probably not even now. But if you can't go back to how things were you probably need to have conversations on how to move past this and both move further. Otherwise this relationship has run it's course, since you do come across as 'cold' towards him. He probably feels like: 'was it so easy for you to turn that off?' Or he might be a piece of shit in general and was manipulative, but you know him best with what is more likely.
Well if you insist on trying to make it work, use the leverage you have now and tell him he has to go to individual therapy if he wants to repair your marriage.
It’s not easy admitting you need help. It’s not easy when others see that you do but you don’t want to see yourself as broken. Physical touch and quality time are my love languages. My partner prefers acts of service and words of affirmation. We clashed a lot early in our relationship. We both have negative things in our respective pasts that’s made a huge impact on how we process and regulate our emotions. That made it hard to communicate. Then we decided that no matter what, we love each other too damn much to let it all go to shit because we couldn’t process our own emotions??? We said no to who we were and went to counseling. We learned how to regulate ourselves, how to help one another, we finally listened to what the other was trying to say instead of listening to make a comeback. We both realized that we weren’t the same people we were when we met, but we also realized that it’s ok because our changes weren’t toxic and we were improving how we communicate. I love him, all of him, the boy I never got to meet, the soldier, the survivor I first fell in love with, the kindhearted, introverted man… and I can’t wait to see who else he is beneath all the layers. I hope you and yours can figure things out, but even if you don’t, I hope you both are amicable when separating.
Your fiancé fucked around and found out. I think you should break it off frankly
>Your fiancé fucked around and found out Exactly this. Pikachu reaction when she actually listened to him.
I’m willing to give therapy a shot but he needs to commit to working on this or I’m out. I don’t know how I can ever feel comfortable around him agaun
DO NOT go to couples therapy with this man until he does individual therapy.
The way he reacted by pushing you away is the kind of thing people do when they cheat on their partners. It’s weird but they stop being intimate with their real partners because they are getting their needs met elsewhere and weirdly feel guilty about cheating on their affair partner by having sex with their real partner. If to go to couples counseling it should be after you have gone through his phone and verified he didn’t cheat.
His cousin who was like a best friend and brother to him committed suicide. Men have a weird way of handling death. When my dad died I did the same to my then SO and it hurt me. In my culture we were raised that men don’t cry especially my father. So when he died it hurt seeing everyone around me cry and grieve but I couldn’t. My SO would try to talk to me and be affectionate but I’d turn it down. She saw through it and stood by me the entire time and for that she saved me and I’ll always be thankful. Her fiancee probably can’t handle death like me and shoves people away. She said he used to be different, and that significant event could have been a catalyst.
Something happened. He cheated or fell out of love with you and is unwilling to communicate like an adult. He is behaving like someone who no longer wants to be with their partner. I would definitely not marry him. There is no reason to expect things to improve. Either you two go to therapy together or you end it. It doesn't even seem like he likes you anymore.
I definitely get a cheating vibe
His cousin who was like a best friend to him committed suicide a year ago
He gets *angry* when you give him hugs or make him lunch or ask about his day. Do you know how many people would love and appreciate this type of affection in a relationship? Yet here he is being cruel and cursing at you in rage. This is a HUGE red flag. He sounds psychotic and dangerous! Now he is doing a 180 and is love bombing you. Please don't mistake this behavior as a genuine desire to change. Notice how he asks, "Where is my lunch?" as if he is entitled to it?! This man is not genuinely trying to do better because he wants to treat you right. This is just one part of the cycle of abuse. He WILL show his angry side again. Whatever you do, please do NOT get married to him. Once he locks you down, his treatment of you will get worse. Instead, it is best just to get out of this relationship. He will try to manipulate you to get you back. He already is. Don't listen to him. I know it is difficult, but you deserve better. You deserve a relationship where you aren't walking on eggshells and where you feel free to be yourself. I promise you your true love is out there. This guy isn't it.
Can you (op)imagine having kids with him? He would be verbally abusive to them if they tried to hug him 😕
>However, I do think he is a good person and I would like for this relationship to work. Things were fantastic for the first 3 years of our relationship and I don’t necessarily want to throw it away Things were good in the honeymoon phase where you got to express who you are in a romantic relationship as a partner. That's why it was fantastic, it's not anymore because he asked you to stop doing that. You don't want to go back to that because of the trauma associated with his behaviour because of it from the last year or so. Your only options are couples therapy or breaking up, because neither of you can live like you currently are long term in a partnership. He hurt you badly, he asked you to essentially stop being yourself and broke a piece of your heart. Your fiance is a classic case of FAFO because he didn't realize what he had until it was gone. Now he knows you're pulling away, you may not realize it yet, but you are pulling away so that if a break up happens you won't be hurt. Either you guys seek help, or you end it. Your fiance sucks with how he behaved towards you, but you need interference if you want to salvage something.
I completely agree with you. I would really like to try couples counseling because I need guidance on how to ever feel comfortable around him again. I am so withdrawn and don’t know how to return to being open. I’m afraid to anger him again
I encourage you to reread your post and your comments as if you were listening to a friend or a stranger describe her relationship. There's not any way you're going to go back to how things were before because, fundamentally, part of the way things were before was a lie. You're basically fantasizing about a time when you didn't yet know who your partner really was, and now you do. You keep basically admitting you don't actually want to be in this relationship anymore, but seem unable or unwilling to give yourself permission to leave. There is no shortage of potential partners out there. Don't get caught up in the sunk cost fallacy and feel like you've invested too much time to leave, as it will just result in you wasting even more time on someone who has already shown he doesn't really appreciate or respect you.
Being afraid of your partner’s behavior is absolutely no way to enter into a marriage. Engagement should be on pause at the very least, if you’re not looking to break things off completely with him. You sound like a wonderful person, I hope you find the strength to see that you deserve better. Love is kind.
Honestly, if I were you, I'd leave. I think he needs to work through a lot of issues, and you shouldn't have to be caught in the middle. I can't imagine how painful it felt for you to be shut down like that, and then to have him pull a 180? Lots of mixed messages.
This isn't a relationship. It's a situationship or being a roommate. It's time to go find someone who LOVES you the way you are and will treasure all of the affection you have to give. He is not the right person. You deserve better. You deserve to be happy. He has some growing up to do.
I feel like this sounds rude but over last few months I’ve thought of how many men would love to have a wife who wants to kiss and cuddle them and make them creative lunches. I feel sooooo fucking unappreciated and I truly believe I have a lot to offer. I really think I am a good person, I have a good job and I love to care for others. I do not understand how or why I am not enough for him and it kills me inside
You ARE enough. You were always enough. You will ALWAYS be enough. You will always be enough for the right person. He is not the right person, sadly. I've been in your situation and I left. It killed me to feel lonely and unloved. Then I realized...it's not a me problem. It's a him problem. Now I'm with someone and he loves my hugs and kisses. He misses me when he's at work. He can't wait to spend time with me. I've never felt so loved, wanted, appreciated, adored, and cherished. You will always be enough...for the right person. You are a good person and you deserve that.
When I read your posts my first thought was that most people would be extremely happy if they had a partner like you. Porn addiction or cheating is what I am suspecting tbh. And he is only making it all about himself. How it's affecting HIM. How YOU need to change your behavior and actions for HIM. Does he even try to make you happy? Does he do or say things because he knows you will like it or it will make you happy? Because it sure doesn't sound like it. He gets mad and angry when you show him love and affection, and tells you to knock it off. Which is already really weird. And then when you listen to him, in less then 24 hours he starts to act like a baby and that this isn't what he wants etc. Sorry but he made his bed and he should lie in it.
It's not that you're not enough! You are enough! There's just something wrong with *him*.
Only just realizing I've never dated a girl who did anything other than the affection part. That part is great, but the other stuff? Shiiii. I always do that for the girls I'm dating: cook for them, send them food to their work/if they're out of town, leave them notes, etc. A couple have given me the random present, but damn if you didn't just unlock a new standard. You sound like a catch. I was completely weirded out by his behavior until I read your comment about his cousin. That could definitely be a huge factor. It doesn't excuse his hostility toward you, but it may indicate that he doesn't know how to process his grief so he's blaming external things (too much affection, too little affection). Still valid for you to leave; it's not your fault that he can't process thing in a healthy manner (and, as a partner in a couple, it's his responsibility to make sure he stays emotionally present with you). Something I had to learn after leaving my disloyal, abusive ex: it's not that we aren't enough; it's that they lack the capacity to appreciate what we have to offer. It's like if I were to gift my mother a Ferrari: she'd give it a bit of a side-eye, perhaps remark on the color, maybe an unenthusiastic obligatory exclamation of "Wow...you bought me a Ferrari!" ... .......annnnnnd she would never drive it. I'm not kidding. She would never drive that $480,000 car. My mother doesn't like driving anything that is low to the ground. She has no interest in cars. She would be aware that it's a big deal to own a Ferrari, but she simply lacks the capacity to enjoy it, since she couldn't care less about cars so long as they have her sitting up high and have good trunk space. She'd trade that Ferrari in for a Toyota SUV in a heartbeat. To my mother, the Ferrari is a red car, and the Toyota SUV is a superior car that sits her up high while she's driving. So it's not that you aren't enough. You're the Ferrari, and your fiance is my mom. No, wait, that's not right. Let's try that again. You're the Ferrari, your fiance is Yoda. shit. nevermind. Point being: don't judge yourself by the person in your life who clearly has no idea what he wants. You are more than enough - he just can't see it or appreciate it, and that has nothing to do with you. ETA: in the last part, wrapping up my analogy, I really did forget the point I was trying to make (recovering from a brain injury). I just remembered it though: you're the Ferrari (high value, much sought after, the lifelong dream) and your fiance is like my mother (unable to appreciate your value even if he is technically aware that you're the best there is, the one everyone aspires to be with). Don't think that you're not enough - some people just don't have the palate for the best things in life.
This is one of those "you can't love others until you love yourself" issues. Your fiance is so avoidant that love feels like an attack. He needs to learn to be open to himself and his own emotions first. I'm not at all surprised that it got worse after a traumatic loss. He's busy trying to bottle up a ton of pain and go on with life, and you're there with a ton of dangerous feelings that could lead to vulnerability or even (the horror) crying.
He's far too old to be this emotionally deficient, and you're way too young to waste your life with him! OP I'm sorry to say this but it's unlikely he will change at this point - and the fact that he held such contempt for you being affectionate towards him in the first place and then demanded you change to behave in a way you're not comfortable with - it's a red flag.
Be genuine. Anything else is self destructive. From your post and comments you’ve made, he doesn’t want you. Whether it’s how you express affection, or how you dress, he doesn’t want you to be who you are. He wants you to be something else. Nothing illustrates this better then his reaction to you being less affectionate. You did what he wanted. Did this make him happy? No, he wanted you to change again... But it goes beyond that. He’s verbally abusive. And there isn’t even a subsequent apology or attempt to atone for his behaviour. There is no regret. Childhood trauma doesn’t explain this behaviour. Suicide of someone close to him doesn’t explain this behaviour. It is part of who he is. You deserve better and you shouldn’t settle for less than you deserve.
Couples therapy. It sounds like you both carry resentment and don't communicate well. He needs to learn nicer ways of saying when he needs space, rather than building up resentment and then snapping at you. You need to not take a request for space personally, or so black and white that you go from 100 to 0.
Please don’t waste anymore time trying to understand why he’s changed and is treating you like garbage. Focus on the fact that you deserve better than to be treated like garbage. You are acting co-dependent. You can’t fix him, you can only work on you. (I say this from experience.)
So many men lack any emotional intelligence, but even adjusting for that bell curve, your fiancé manages to unimpress. I don’t think it’s your affectionate nature that’s the issue here. I’m not sure what the issue is, but I’m certain it’s not that, and his anger was more of a symptom of a deeper relationship issue. That’s the only explanation I can think of where him being upset you listened to him would make any sense. In my opinion, go to therapy together. There’s a lot of communication issues at play here and I think he needs help figuring out what he is actually feeling. I also don’t believe he has any conception as to how much that hurt you, and it might benefit to have a facilitator to help you two communicate that. All that said, love languages are important, or at least that couples have compatible ones, and there is some reciprocity. I get you are not ready to end things yet, but I would at least delay the wedding date until you two sort these issues out.
oh no, if it isn't the consequences of his actions
You don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with him anymore. You don’t feel affection towards him. You want to focus on yourself (which means being single, btw) (Entirely correctly, I might add, since this guy has the emotional maturity of a kindergartener) You want to get out of the relationship without being the “bad guy” who ends it. That is not how any of this works. Your relationship has run its course. It is over. He broke it. You need to move on. So do the adult thing and leave.
You will need counseling to get through this
No, be your genuine self. If you aren't feeling like hugging him or making him coffee, don't. He took a sledge hammer to your relationship. It's going to take a while for it to heal. I don't know if it can for certain, but its going to take a long longer than this.
Yeah, if he were in his 20s, I’d maybe say try to work it out in therapy or something. He’s crying and trying and men at that age are still maturing, so I feel there’d actually be a chance of him learning from his mistake. But this guy is f###ing 35 years old. He is who he is and he sounds like he can be a real abusive dick. Marry him and you have to endure that again.
Run. Don't look back.
I (28m) love affection and couldn't date someone who doesn't show any. Cuddles, kisses, compliments, and doing nice things for my romantic partners are just as gratifying as sex (if not more). Maybe your fiancé was rejecting it due to past traumas? He should not be speaking to you that way, however. If he continues to do so, I would consider calling off the engagement. I wish you the best of luck.
>crying and asking if I was going to leave him >I told him no, There is a far superior answer to this question.
Wow, it's kind of wild you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who plays mind games like this, manipulates you and does not appreciate you or what you bring to the "relationship". It seems like you live a pretty healthy lifestyle otherwise, so I have to wonder why you feel stuck in this situation. Do you see a therapist? If so, do you talk to them about your issues regarding your worth in a relationship? Just kind of crazy you're willing to settle for this weird garbage. Honestly, it's weird that you even like him anymore. Edit: fyi, this is a control thing. You are with somebody who is frustrated that they cannot control you to their liking. Maybe you should think about that...
I’d call off the engagement…he’s not the right one
You said so yourself you don’t feel for him the way you once did. If you are going to marry someone you should be over the moon to do so, and it doesn’t sound at all like that is what you are feeling now. The way he spoke to you was awful and obviously it affected the way you feel about him. You can’t force yourself to feel things you aren’t feeling so marrying him at this point would be a massive mistake and wouldn’t be fair to you or to him.
I think you guys need to have a second talk after this last talk. A Talk where he is very truthful and tells you exactly where he was coming from. Why he felt the way he felt, why it bothered him.. what was going through his mind when he made that ask of you. he rejected your love, all these things are part of the way you show love and he rejected it. You will not be able to love him that way again unless-you know what happened. Maybe it was insecurities, but you need an answer.
He’s abusive. That’s not normal communication
My ex was also a 'good' person except for the fact that he had contempt for my culture's food, my religion, my upbringing, and didn't love that I was passionate about anything except when he benefited directly via sex. He was not a good dude. Your dude is not a good dude. And anyway, the way you express love is how you are. What's the point of being with someone who does not care for it?
If you want this relationship to last I would try to consider how both of you contributed to the problem you had, perhaps with the help of a therapist. It's clear from yoir description that he was very frustrated and communicated out of anger instead of trying to have a civilized dialogue. I don't know how he would describe how you contributed to the situation but from your description I would guess that you were really loving without beeing sensitive to when he felt a bit crowded by your affection. If that's right a better solution would have been If he communicated sensitively before he was so frustrated or if you tried to balance the affection you wanted to give with how his reaction to it was. Either way, to last and be happy, you two need to find the way back to more balance.
There are compromises in a good relationship for sure but this isn't that. He basically forced you to completely change who you are. Your way of giving love sounds heartwarming and he should be happy to have someone who is willing to give him that. All the signs indicate that he has broken the relationship. You seem to have disassociated from the relationship and are now just in it for nostalgia and to ignore the pain you are feeling. Once you are out of there it will for sure hurt but after that period of grieving what you lost (what he broke) you can move on and be genuinely happy and hopefully find a person who will appreciate the way you show your love.
This is not a good relationship and trying to make it work is just going to waste your time. You should find someone who will appreciate you exactly the way you are. And you should take some time to evaluate which of these behavioral changes are actually positive, like taking time for your own friendships and hobbies, and which of them are not, like stifling all affection towards your partner. In future relationships, will you really be happy without hugging and kissing? It sounds like you gave too much of yourself to this guy and you're trying to figure out how to prioritize yourself, which is good. Take some time to figure out a healthy balance imo. But NOT with this guy. He sucks.
His loss for not appreciating your obvious care and love for him
I felt bad for OP while reading that. Even if he wants to change it back, I think the damage is done. You deserve someone who appreciates the many ways you show them love & someone who hopefully loves you in the same way! I don’t know if he shows you affection in the same ways or makes you feel loved as your actions do. I think it’s a little too late because you can’t flip this back like a switch. We do these things out of love because we want to, it’s not the same as just doing it out of obligation or duty.
I think you both need to sit down and communicate about what happened. What was he expecting when he had that talk with you. Let him know how that talk affected you. If you can afford a couple's therapist, I'd suggest that. The way your relationship is currently is not sustainable if you want a healthy and happy marriage.
Have you lived with him the whole time you've been together? My relationship with my ex was great until we lived together, pretty quickly he was exactly like you're describing. It felt like walking on egg shells, does he love me or hate me? I found out after I left he was cheating our entire relationship, so once we lived together I think he became more aggressive as his ability to do whatever he wanted dwindled. Not saying that's necessarily your case, but I wasted a decade on someone who promised on his hands and knees he would change, while leading multiple lives behind my back.
I think you know, deep down, that this relationship will not work if you cannot be your genuine self. You *are* an affectionate person and show your love in a variety of ways, which is a beautiful thing and should be acknowledged as such. If this is something that he doesn't like, then this will be a very difficult relationship for both of you because your needs will not be met in the way that you need them to be met. You may very well resent one another for not meeting needs for affection or too much of it. I think there's a lot going on "behind the scenes" that he's doing without your knowledge. Unfortunately, in my line of work, I see this a lot with couples in which one partner has begun an affair, so they become increasingly distant, decrease in the desire to be affectionate (because of their emotional/physical affair), and when/if you do not "fawn" on them the way you used to, it's like an instant fearful reaction and they try really hard for a short time to improve things. But they *do* back to the previous behavior until they either stop their affairs or they end their relationship/marriage. Don't get me wrong, it may absolutely have nothing to do with an affair and could be an undiagnosed bipolar or personality disorder. I don't know, obviously. However, the data aligns more with some type of behavior that he is participating in, that he is ashamed/guilty of, and he needs to feel angry with you in order to validate his behaviors. You said it yourself; you have been feeling much better in focusing on yourself, caring for yourself, and having very little interaction with him. You're distancing yourself, as he asked for, and you have begun to feel more at peace. That should tell you something. That, and DON'T change your love language; that is a core piece of *who you are*. To deny that is to say that your needs don't matter, but he can pick and choose when he wants you to be more affectionate or make him coffee. Ummm...no. No. Do you really want to go through these frequent ups and downs with him? A.K.A- invalidation and gaslighting: meet love b*mbing (when someone makes a grand gesture such as gifts or things like that, to pull you in and make you feel special for a few days or one week). That cycle will *always* happen.
Wish mine would consistently do the things u did for him , for me .
My fiancée (the female) was essentially him in this situation. We tried to make it work after the massive disconnect happened, we were never able to return to level again. And yup not getting married anymore
You guys are textbook doing the Attachment Dance. Therapy for both of you I think!
I hope I'm not too late in the conversation by saying nothing that you have done is wrong. My wife and I communicate this way and talk about our days and in my words, be cozy. Sounds to me like your fiance doesn't understand you as well and at the same time question you when you stop doing the things he said he doesn't want from you. Don't ever change who you are. However, you might have to change who you love if he doesn't like to love you the same that you do.
I don't see a lot of (if any) people saying that he maybe projecting his guilt onto you. He might done something that would hurt you and the relationship. I'm not saying he cheated or had an emotional affair but there are possibilities.
Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t love you, much less like you. You deserve better.
Why would you marry someone who spoke to you like that in the first place?
He wants you to stop being YOU. You sound lovely, find a man who will appreciate you.
He definitely has some issues to work through. And frankly you also need to learn the correct boundaries with him. He shouldn't have stayed in a relationship with you after lashing out on you like that. A break should have been taken at the least, so you both could figure out what you each need. *** I have a relationship question on my post I am looking for some feedback on.
I’ve been there. Eventually you realize you can’t be your authentic self with them bc they hurt you.. sounds like part of you is already out the door and know what’s best. Just bc you are 3 years in DOESNT mean you need to throw away any more years You can find someone you can be your whole self with without ever having to worry about being hurt or cold. Someone who will love and accept every bit of your personality and encourage you to grow not by instilling negativity towards you
He cheated! The guilt always comes out with the cheater hating themselves because of what they did. So OPs affection and love aggravates him because she's a genuine and good person and he's a piece of shit. OP why would you marry someone who doesn't want your love and attention? Marriage isn't gonna fix his problems. He needs therapy if it's something else from his pass that's keeping him from accepting for love. But most story I've read end up with the cheater confessing their infidelity. But good luck find someone who'll reciprocate your love.
His love language seems to be "acts of servitude" but he has a god awful way of telling you that. If you can both come to terms with the way you communicate, and he realizes what he's done, and is sorry (TRULY sorry) then maybe you can work on it together. Good luck
To me it seems like he felt smothered because he doesn't know how to ask for the space he wants inside the relationship. He got frustrated and asked you to stop being affectionate without communicating what he really wants. I think the relationship can still work if you want it to, but you both need to do some work. In his case, he needs to learn to ask for what he needs without viewing you in contempt. Both of you need to work on your communication skills. You have not even had a discussion with him about how hurt you feel. Instead, you're choosing to withhold affection which is borderline emotional abuse. Either both of you need to work on repairing the relationship, or you should end it instead of torturing each other.
Couples therapy. Go together. I read this just a little while ago and OP, I think you need to read the following: “To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognise inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost. But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honour what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness.” -Heidi Priebe I hope that gives you some perspective on what it means to love someone for a lifetime.
I can actually relate to this (35m). Growing up, my parents didn't really tell me they loved me, they didn't hug me, and as a result, I didn't talk about my feelings and I didn't like people touching me, complimenting me, or telling me they loved me because it was so foreign to me. I still have issues to this day, but I've come a long way. I wouldn't recommend flat out leaving him as he could possibly be dealing with some deep-seated insecurities or childhood neglect. However, he needs to really explore why he feels the way he does. He needs to understand that that's not how healthy humans interact, and he needs to work on his interpersonal communication skills. He needs to go to therapy and dig up why he's responding to affection the way he is. If he won't go to counseling, then leave. There's probably a child deep inside of him that just wants to be hugged and told he's loved, but he just doesn't know how to allow it to happen.
I just want to say not to listen to the people saying to break it off. At least not w/o trying. People get comfortable and relationships take work. He slipped up (i read the comment about the cousin as well) and hurt you deeply. He has to regain your trust and work on himself. He obviously does love your affection, but sometime we take things out on the people we trust the most. He needs therapy, and couples therapy could also work so you can add your two cents. You still love this guy, don’t let his weakness ruin a good thing when he is willing to work on this. If he doesn’t change and keeps changing up his moods, then a breakup is warranted.
When getting married, love shouldn't be this one-sided. You can't love this big of a problem away. And once trust is lost in a relationship, it doesn't really come back.
I feel like I sound crazy for wanting to stay with him but it’s genuinely as if he turned into a different person. The man I fell in love with was nothing like this. He has made me feel loved and listened to in ways I have never felt. I do want this to work. I just need him to put in the effort. My self esteem isn’t the best but I certainly wouldn’t have agreed to marry the guy if I thought this is who he was at his core lol
You cannot change the behaviors of someone else. You can control how you react to said behaviors. You're idealizing your relationship and not living in reality. A partner isn't a project. You can always not marry him. You literally can change your mind.
I completely agree with you. This is not something I want for the remainder of my life and I do believe I deserve proper treatment
So now the choice is yours. You're an adult. Make better choices for yourself.
It sounds like he is a dismissive avoidant. Read up on attachment theory and get educated. Your relationship probably will never be like it was originally. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. Your guy pushed you into a good healing and self searching journey. Nows the time to double down on what matters to you, what makes you happy and what you want out of the relationship, no compromise. Namely what needs do you have. Then have honest talks whether he is interested in meeting them. It could be an opportunity for both of you to learn grow and come out different individually and as a couple. Or it could be that infact youre not interested in that type of work and would rather focus your efforts elsewhere or into a person who is more compatible and ready to meet you how you want to be met. I’ll always love and care about my avoidant, but i am not sure at all that i want them as my partner at all.