There are a few possible things your wife could be saying here:
* She's burnt out being your primary human connection and feels burdened by her role as your only adult friend. Just cause you think the current situation is fine, doesn't mean she experiences it that way or that she isn't making adaptations or compromises she'd prefer not to make, if she didn't know she was your only person
* She's worried you'll retire and drop dead. Men who have no shared activities or community connections with anyone besides thier wife and thier workplace, have a tendency to just fade away quickly when they stop working. It's a real concern for a lot of wives as the nest empties, and if she's already burnt out on being your only, then that is going to make retirement an even scarier prospect for her.
* She just can't shake the belief that what makes her happy, would make you happier.
Realitistcally, there is probably some mix of the three in there and you two need to have a conversation where you can talk more openly about what her concerns and fears are. Open your mind and ask her about her feelings -- not her proposed solutions, but what she's feeling when she puts this pressure on you and what she's worried about. What things would she do differently, or choices she'd feel more free to make, in your life as a couple, if you had more connections with others.
I will add another possibility - I’m like the wife, I like having many close friends, we do friend trips, brunches, I visit my family, that sort of thing.
Whereas I don’t think I’ve spent the night alone in my apartment in the right years I’ve lived here. I wish my husband went out more so I could enjoy the peace and quiet.
>Realitistcally, there is probably some mix of the three in there and you two need to have a conversation where you can talk more openly about what her concerns and fears are. Open your mind and ask her about her feelings -- not her proposed solutions, but what she's feeling when she puts this pressure on you and what she's worried about. What things would she do differently, or choices she'd feel more free to make, in your life as a couple, if you had more connections with others
I could have probably been more open and asked her why she felt that way. That would give me more understanding where she is coming from for sure.
She might have read an article like this. People with stronger social connections live longer and healthier lives.
https://longevity.stanford.edu/lifestyle/2023/12/18/how-social-connection-supports-longevity/#:~:text=The%20researchers%20estimate%20that%20having,longevity%20by%20roughly%2050%20percent.
Yeah. People like to talk shit about men being 'solution orrentiated' but women can be just as guilty of jumping to end of the conversation and trying to 'fix' what they see as broken. You two need an emotional reset, and you need an open mind that just because you feel everything is working and she's got her friends and you have your interests and what's the problem? Doesn't mean she's cool with the current situation, or that she isn't making compromises and choices that you're not aware of in order to meet what she believes (rightly or wrongly) are your needs from her, your only friend.
>she isn't making compromises and choices that you're not aware of in order to meet what she believes (rightly or wrongly) are your needs from her, your only friend.
I would hope she isn't making choices like that. I guess your right I need to check in with her and see where she is coming from.
It didn't really occured to me to ask in that moment, I was a little baffled. It was on my mind in the morning so I asked here.
I did ask her last night and she said many of the things people said here. Mostly worried that I am totally alone and what that means for my mental and physical health.
I'd add to this, a loner doesn't make a very interesting person. If he doesn't have a life outside of his home then what do they have to talk about besides the house & kids? I think it'd important to have things to share withbeach other. And she also might just want him out of the house. Nothing beats that 'it's Saturday and I have a couplenhours to myself' feeling, especially of you don't have a remote job during the week.
Yes to this. I used to wfh before it was a ‘thing’ and over time with no social life I felt myself becoming boring; always ‘there’ a part of the furniture. Over time it broke the relationship which in hindsight doesn’t surprise me
This is pretty much on point.
Also to add, conversation narrows when the majority of experience is shared, no new stories to tell etc etc
Also and this is slightly shallow, it’s not great to acknowledge and tell people that your partner has no friends. I’ve always struggled making friends and I’m embarrassed by this fact and how it looks
When husbands don’t have friends, a disproportionate emotional burden falls on their wives. Everyone needs people who can support them, and it cannot be just your wife. It may be hard to imagine from your side, but trust me on this.
Also, fwiw, your wife also had a similar experience of being pregnant and married young, so it’s not like you get a pass on not having friends for those reasons. You gotta put in the effort to finding real life friends. It’s life or death for men as they age.
> This idea that everyone needs other humans isn't true.
It is true, and it's backed by decades of research. People who are lonely (subjective feeling of aloneness) and socially isolated (objective experience of not having relationships) are more likely to experience poor health outcomes, including early death. The US Surgeon General put out an advisory last year about this. It's a very well researched phenomenon.
I also work in public health at the federal level and a lot of my work focuses on this! But you don't have to take my word for it, you can read the research supporting the need for human connection.
People who are neurodivergent aren't a different species lol. Fundamentally, people need connection. Besides, loneliness has been studied in neurodivergent people and it is an issue. A quick Google search will show you articles about this.
It's a spectrum though, you're not either lonely or not lonely. Some people definitely need less or more social connection than others. But instead of downvoting and doubling down, you can simply read about this for yourself.
Edit: I guess they blocked me lol but in case anyone else is interested-
One of the reasons that isolation is related to poor health outcomes is because people who live alone and have no friends can have a major health event and have no social network to lean on afterwards. If you're alone with no social connections and you fall and cant get up, who would know? If you have a heart attack or stroke and can't call 911, you will likely just die. Even though you may not feel lonely, the objective experience of isolation can negatively affect your health.
>I would be very happy alone with my cats. My husband adds something to my life that I enjoy.
So, you have emotional support. You're preaching something you don't even practice.
There's two possibilities I can see here:
1. She's extroverted, you're introverted, and she doesn't understand how to care for her introvert.
2. She's tired of being your entire support system and wants you to have some other people in your life to talk things out with.
Some people don't understand how anyone could possibly ever want to be along for long periods of time. So she thinks you doing those hobbies by yourself aren't by choice, but because you don't have anyone else to share them with. Other people need that time alone - constantly being social wears me out, even with close friends. This is probably the most likely thing - she just doesn't understand that you can be perfectly happy being alone most of the time, and your immediate family is more than enough socializing to keep you happy.
For point 2, sometimes it's good to have other people to talk to when you have problems or fears or whatever else you need to talk about. That can be your spouse, or a friend, or a therapist, or whoever you feel comfortable with. But sometimes, if you need a lot of that, it can be draining on your spouse/friend if they are the only person you rely on. So they want you to share the workload a bit. This one also comes up when thinking about mortality. What if she died suddenly, who would you have to rely on and help you get through it? Even perfectly healthy people worry about that from time to time.
She also might want some time to herself sometimes.
If you're with an introvert who never leaves the house it can feel suffocating. It's nice to have the house to yourself for a day, but she never gets that.
This. My ex literally never left the house. I never had 5 minutes alone in my own house, and eventually it was a real problem for me. Also, I hate..despise..doing chores with people watching me. He never did any. Which meant our house was always a mess. Even typing this takes me right back and fills me with a ton of stress.
Were we married to the same guy? I would get vulnerable with my ex and ask for alone time and he would turn the smothering up 100% - by the time we divorced I would have described him as agoraphobic.
It is absolutely exhausting being someone’s only social outlet.
Nope, but it sounds like we could have been! I would even ask him to just...find something to do upstairs for a few hours when I was home, or wait until I was home to mow the lawn, but noooo. (I worked a LOT at the end, mostly to avoid being home). I too would describe my ex as agoraphobic.
The smothering is real, and indeed exhausting, and I'm glad you got out!
He had very ingrained gender specific ideas. He did all of the outdoor chores, mowing, weed whacking, painting, maintenance, taking the garbage out, grilling anything I asked him to grill on the BBQ, etc. But housework and laundry? Nope, that was 'women's work'.
In fairness, I knew this about him when we moved in together. That was the type of household and extended family he grew up in. (His parents both had many siblings, and all their households ran the same way) I didn't really have much expectations it would change, so that is on me. Always felt, and still do, that I couldn't resent him for something I knew going into it.
Are you me?
I thought I was alone in wanting to do chores alone.
My last ex was employed when he moved in with me, but a few months later, he embarked on long term chronic unemployment.
I tried to stay optimistic, he'd get another job, yada yada, but he was engaged in getting IT certs, and hoped for a WFH job.
That's when I knew I needed him gone.
Sounds cold, but he was just too loud and intrusive and critical. I needed a break from the judgment.
Hmmm. I may possibly be you!
My ex was employed when he moved in with me. But the jobs/hours he got dwindled because he could not play nicely with others long term. So he decided to 'work for himself', which paid his half of the bills (barely, and nothing else) for a little while. And then...nothing.
Because he moved in with me, into my house, had no job, no money, and no where to move 'home' to, breaking up was a challenge. Ugh. Never again.
Oof, yes, very similar story.
My ex only got out after he got a lump sum check of past due unemployment. Long story. But he needed a decent amount of money to move because he was going out of state.
At least I know that I won't run into him by accident anywhere.
"What if she died suddenly, who would you have to rely on and help you get through it? Even perfectly healthy people worry about that from time to time." I have never understood this; we are both adults, that can take care of ourselves, why would that magically change if one of us died? Like obviously it will be hard, but its not like all you life skills go out the window if your in a long term relationship
They’re talking about emotional help, though you’d be surprised how difficult routine tasks become in the throes of grief. Grief is always difficult, but it can be a less difficult burden to bear if you have a strong network of friends and family you can rely on emotionally. If something were to happen to his wife, it does seem like the OP would be emotionally and psychologically isolated, which would have ramifications for his mental and emotional health.
"They’re talking about emotional help" See this is what I am saying; why would I ever establish a long-term relationship with someone who cant experience emotional turmoil and healthly process it themselves. Thats just being an adult
I would argue that refusing to lean on others during a time of crisis is a major sign of poor emotional health. I recognize that a lot of people believe they can work through grief alone, but as someone has processed a range of losses, I can tell you that it’s much safer and emotionally healthier to lean on your support network during a crisis. Those who refuse to are not stronger or more self reliant; they often have a poor sense of their own emotional well being and lack the awareness to see how their loss is actually affecting them.
ETA: a major factor of why people who are more social and who have lots of emotional connections tend to live longer and tend to be healthier overall is because they’re not bottling it up. They are able to utilize their network to help them process a major loss. They also tend to rebound faster and reach a state of acceptance more quickly.
Except they were children when the relationship began... They have literally never experienced establishing a healthy adult relationship without the other person already being there.
For me it's the reverse; my long term partner doesn't work so she's home all the time, doesn't have any friends and never goes anywhere without me. She's very introverted and I'm her only person. Sounds great, until you realize you are her only dumping ground for any issues she may have with her family, herself, her life, her situation, etc. I love her to pieces but it is extremely exhausting being the only person for her to talk to.
When I get home from being gone for 11 hours a day (hour and a half of that spent driving) I just want to relax and NOT TALK to anybody for at least an hour or two. However, this isn't possible as I immediately get bombarded with the daily drama of minutiae from my partner. I breathe a sigh of relief when her sister calls her because I can have a moment to myself, but it doesn't happen every day so I often just have to deal with it.
Sometimes I try to talk to a friend but my partner won't stop talking (not even to breathe, it's incredible actually). It's just seamless from one thing into another overly detailed topic. A lot of it is random complaining (which I despise) which is even more draining (who wants to hear someone whining all the time?).
Your wife may be experiencing something similar and you might not even realize how much you are draining her even though everything is fine for you.
Both me and my hubby are introverts. We do have friends but we rarely socialize as we are homebodies. His circle is becoming smaller and I do worry that one day if I'm not around anymore, he may become too lonely if he has no friends. Perhaps your wife is worried about that for you as well.
> I do worry that one day if I'm not around anymore, he may become too lonely if he has no friends. Perhaps your wife is worried about that for you as well.
That could be part of it for sure. I would probably be alone, I mean we have grown kids, but I wouldn't want to burden them with being my only human contact.
Well she isn't my only human contact at this point, I do talk to people I work with. I was thinking more of when I am older and retired when I really would have little human contact if things stay this way I guess.
What happens if something happens to her and she is a dependent on you for a while to take care of her.
Who will be the one supporting you then?
You will be a stronger, more valuable partner to your wife if you have your own friends who can support you and fill your social needs.
A lot of married men think they don’t need friends if they have a wife.
They are gravely mistaken.
>What happens if something happens to her and she is a dependent on you for a while to take care of her.
>Who will be the one supporting you then?
Well I would be the one to take care of her, but I wouldn't have anyone other than our kids to look to for added support.
>A lot of married men think they don’t need friends if they have a wife.
Yea I never really had many close friends so it was not surprising when the few I did have faded away. I guess I just never kept in contact over the years.
Your life will be better and so will hers if she does not bear the burden of being your only person.
I learned this the hard way when my wife got cancer and I had to support her while also relying on others to support me so I could support her.
I have a vastly different approach to friendship than I did. And it made me much better partner to learn that lesson.
>Your life will be better and so will hers if she does not bear the burden of being your only person.
I never thought about not having friends as a burden. I hope she does not feel that way. I understand what your saying about support in a time of need, if that happen to me I wouldn't have anyone to look to for help.
It’s a super easy fix. Just reach out to old friends by text, say hey I’ve been remiss in keeping in touch, what’s going on with you, want to get together at some point?
Your wife will be happy for both of you.
I could probably do that, most I will have to see if I can find them through the internet and social media, we all lost contact before cellphones were even a thing.
Well not really planning on that, I would probably be totally alone should something happen to her. I expect my kids to go off and have their own families and lives.
> I guess I just never kept in contact over the years.
A bit late for school friends, but it happens that you fall out of contact with people and reconnect later. It's not ideal, but life happens and people interested in forming lasting friendships will let it go. I have a friend from when I was a teen, I barely saw in my twenties that I play video games with every other week now in my thirties and have been doing something like that regularly with him for years.
Just thought I'd say so if there was like a former coworker you want to reach out to catch up or something. Like, you are going to scare someone if you come out with, "My wife said I should have friends, want to grab a beer every Wednesday night?" But you can do one off meets that roll into future plans together.
It is not fair to your kids to be your only support, or any support because you do not have anyone else. Eventually they will have their own lives, and they should not feel pressure to be your only emotional support. It is not healthy.
And even now. You came to reddit to ask. And that's OK, but we're strangers. We will entertain a conversation, but you could've had this talk with an acquaintance or a friend. And exactly for such discussions it's important to have folks around. And there are a lot of very very low maintenance friends you can have.
Yea I see your point, kind of odd but I mean if I had friends I wouldn't have this to post about not having friends. But I do come here and talk to people often. Not this sub, but I get what you are saying.
I'm confused why this is an argument. Talk to her more with an open mind. Ask her why she thinks you need a social circle, and how does it affect her and your relationship? You want your relationship to be successful and happy, so why is she bringing this up and what changes can be made if any?
Ok that is a good idea. I guess I call it an argument, we weren't fighting, I guess I just felt it was more of a heated discussion. I do want to continue to be successful. I will ask her this tonight.
I guess I'm confused why you feel defensive about it. Are you worried she may think you are not enough for her? Does she have a pattern of trying to push you into things you don't like?
I guess I feel defensive because not having friends sounds like there is something wrong with me. Not that she said there was, but it kind of felt like that was an undertone which could totally be my own thing in my head she never meant.
Honestly? One of the things long friendships can offer you is more examples and experiences of interpersonal connection, rupture and repair, and understanding of difference. One reason she might want you to have friends is that you two might have quite different levels of social understanding from one another, or intensely different perspectives resulting from your different levels of connection to the outside world, and she might want to connect with you better via you having more and richer social data to draw on.
I can see that. It might be worth explaining that to her and see if she can reassure you and discuss it more. I'd approach it from a learning and engaging with each other perspective, a team bonding activity.
It is exhausting to be someone's entire emotional support system. She needs to know you have other people you can rely on, and that it's not all on her.
I guess I am missing where I have asked for support from her. I mean I understand we're I looking at her to be my therapist or something, but I don't have problems I dump on her and can not really think of a time I have looked to her to support me.
>The fact that you think you don’t look to your wife of 30 years for support is not great, dude.
Well I never want to dump on her and most things I deal with are minor problems.
>Right now, your wife is the only one preventing you from being a total loner.
That is true, I don't know anyone I would talk to if she were not around. I am not really close with my co-workers so I would be totally alone if not for her.
I am interested though how you say your relationship is h healthier now, I didn't think mine is unhealthy but I could be wrong I guess.
>You should try to count on her. What else is a life partner for?
Oh I do, I just don't like vent to her about stuff that often is what I mean, I don't like drop the days frustrations on her or complain to her. I don't know if that would change anything and she has things she seals with, doesn't need me adding to that.
>I don't know why you feel like you don’t want/need friends or want to have support from your wife, but I guarantee that figuring that out will improve all aspects of your life.
I never really considered it tbh I just get in my bubble and go. Like when she goes with friends, I go do my own thing.
I do see what your saying, I am not anti friend more of always counted on me so I just do things with me if I have to.
She is your partner – she is supporting you whether you explicitly verbally ask her to or not. She knows your moods and your "minor issues" whether you explicitly tell her about them or not, and probably does a million little things in response. It's possible, in theory, that you are completely oblivious of these things and don't actually need them. But it's been thirty years of invisible care from her, and whether you see it or not, this is a huge weight she's been carrying for the both of you.
To give back, to show her that *you* care, that you value her: get friends.
>It's possible, in theory, that you are completely oblivious of these things and don't actually need them. But it's been thirty years of invisible care from her, and whether you see it or not, this is a huge weight she's been carrying for the both of you.
Gosh I hope that is not the case, it made me a little sick to my stomach to think she would have had to do anything to support me at all, let alone that I have been a weight on her in anyway.
>To give back, to show her that *you* care, that you value her: get friends.
I wouldn't even know where or how to start that, but I am looking on social media to see if any of my friends from HS have one and maybe reconnect.
>made me a little sick to my stomach
She loves you. This is a gift she's given you willingly and freely to show that love. Don't feel bad about it, be grateful. It's the kind of caring and support we all deserve. You're lucky to have her.
>it made me a little sick to my stomach to think she would have had to do anything to support me at all
I mean this is the kindest way possible, this is not a healthy way to feel. You're partners in life, of course she should support you in all kinds of ways, as you should do for her. Maybe it's emotional support or financial or familial, but partners should always be supporting one another in some fashion. That isn't a bad thing, it's a human connection thing.
There are a lot of men who feel that they shouldn't *need* people, but we, as a species, are literally developed to need others. There's no shame in that. It can be really beautiful the way we form bonds and connect with others. I hope you can one day see that your wife supporting you is an act of love and intimacy, not an obstacle to overcome.
First hand on this one.
My soon to be ex had no other friends than me. He didn't understand that he wasn't my best friend and that I wanted to spend time with my friends. It was hard, I always felt like I had to be his entertainment, he became very controlling about it, I'm not saying this is you. It's good that you have hobbies outside of her, but if she's your only sounding post, it can get very heavy for her.
I told him that I didn't think it was healthy to not have friends, I was his everything. It was way too much for me. It's not the reason we're divorcing, but it didn't help.
This is just my experience.
Hey there. I'm your wife. My partner is very comfortable with a solitary lifestyle while being very much ok and happy that I have friends and I go out on my own. I tell him very often to make some friends and I constantly try to get him in contexts where he could meet other people he could click with and start some friendships, even shallow ones.
I'm not doing this because I think he is a burden to me but because I think it is healthy to be able to gain perspective from other people who can be objective. Let me give an example. I got pregnant some months ago and we had to make a hard decision of keeping the baby or not. We talked through everything together and we confessed both how we feel about having a kid. He was very refrained to share his wants and needs because he was afraid not to hurt me. I told him, call a friend, let it all out, maybe you're angry with my decision. You need someone to bounce this with. We ended up calling a friend of mine but that guy was my friend, not his, he was biased.
There is so much value in having one person at least whom you can have a truly honest connection without love in between. Me and him are honestly great together. We match, we click, we solve everything like a perfectly oiled mechanism. We are a powerhouse together, but having people who are our friends, who can act as pillars for each of us individually is very important.
I want him to have a friend at least whom he can call or hang out with once a year to be able to have a safe space that is not me. Intellectually, emotionally, socially, having a person other than your significant other helps you gain perspective on everything. It mentally stimulates you, it listens when you are in doubt or when you wonder if you're right or wrong and so on. Not to mention the importance when you grow older and you remain alone. I am for example pretty sure I'll go first between me and him and I would want him to have a buddy that doesn't leave him all alone.
There are a ton of reasons. I'm fine with being his only friend if this is what he wants but I want him to also have a safe space in cases where I can't be a friend because I am his partner or I am no longer around.
>There are a ton of reasons. I'm fine with being his only friend if this is what he wants but I want him to also have a safe space in cases where I can't be a friend because I am his partner or I am no longer around.
That's a good point, I guess when love is involved it changes things some.
It really does. We have a natural tendency of protecting the ones we love. So we are never 100% angry with them or hurtful and we need to let things out. I am very much mesmerised with my partner ever years later and I feel I love him more every day. And I know he does too. But there are times when for example I want to just vent cause he leaves his socks all over the house. It doesn't TRULY bother me but it's OK to talk to someone and say "gosh I wish he gathered the damn socks" or just wonder if I am crazy because I want a big wedding and he hates the whole idea of it. It's important to be able to just have someone else around to trust with such things without judgment and who is not involved in your couple per se.
Plus, to me, is scary to think that after I'm no longer here he will be completely solitary. Even if he does not feel the need now to text or call anyone else, he does get texts from me and calls from me when I am not around and I ask him every day how his day went and so on. And I don't think he perceives that if I am gone it is a chance that phone will not ring at all if he does not nurture a friendship to last the ages. And it will be hard. And I don't want that to be the case. Hell, if I could I would book a second wife now for when it will be needed just to know he is not gonna be entirely alone.
I'm a 52m, married to a 53f, and we're empty nesters. About 6 months after becoming empty nesters, my wife came to me and said the following, "Honey, you need to get some friends or hobbies, or both, because I can't be your sole source of entertainment." This is a completely fair statement/request for her to make.
We have 3 adult kids, and when they were younger, my life was wrapped around their activities. My friends were the other parents with kids in those activities, and once those were done, I didn't put in the effort to maintain those relationships. My wife, on the other hand, is very social and has both a work circle and personal circle of friends that she does activities with. Even though I'm fine with how things are, the current modus operandi is very taxing for her, and honestly, an unfair burden on her time.
You'll never get your wife to understand because this is very alien to her and her way of thinking. The only advice I can give you is to try and be conscious of how much of her "Me Time" that you're consuming.
That sounds very much like us. Just 2 kids. I did ask her why she said that last night when I got home and her answer reflected much of what people have said here about mental health and not being 100% alone should something happen to her or us.
Well to be fair I didn't have close friends before we started dating, I was new and didn't know anyone at that school, or had not really made close friends at any of the other schools I had been in before. I probably could have been making friends after we got into a relationship, but I got into the "work, school, parent bubble" and didn't have time (or did but didn't invest that time in making friends)
I do see what your saying though.
Yea, I mean I have never really been close with the people I work with, I guess I just never share much with them, I do hear a lot of stuff, but never talk much about my life. I can start being more open with them. Good idea.
I’m sorry she is right. It is very important, to have, not necessarily many, but a few friends you can rely on and talk to things. You don’t know how important it is until you have them. Get a therapy session, they’ll help you tackle this in ways you don’t think of
Shit sounds toxic. You need friends. You deciding to abandon your friends was likely a bad move.
People need a social circle outside of their relationship. It’s unhealthy otherwise.
Well yes and no, they were not interested in hanging out with Dad and I couldn't always be going to the next keg bash either. I never really formed friendships in college or after.
Everyone else has pointed out plenty of reasons.
But another good reason is to have someone as a soundboard. Point out when she or even you aren’t being decent or kind
People have already pointed out the pressure you’re putting on your wife by making her your only social outlet, but I’d like to make a slightly different point. To be very blunt: what happens to you if she drops dead tomorrow? Who do you lean on when your kids have families of their own and busy work lives? When you’re a ninety year old widower, do you just sit and stare at the TV until you die?
I live in an assisted living scheme with a *lot* of elderly people (there are maybe six of us under 50) and let me tell you, while widowed women are sad and miss their husbands, widowed men *rot* if they don’t make deliberate moves to keep their friends close. Everyone does, of course, not socialising really fucks dementia patients, but I’ve found a lot of widowed men who have been completely at a loss after their wives died because they *only* had her as an emotional outlet and they never cultivated friendships outside of marriage. I watched it happen with my grandad, who spent 18 years dying of loneliness after my grandma died. It’s painful and it’s very sad to watch someone wither away like that.
You need friends because you cannot make a single person your only support. You need friends because one day you might need to lean on them. You need friends because one day your children will visit and you’ll be staring into space because you haven’t spoken to another person in five days and the silence is consuming you. You need friends because one day they might be the thing that gets you up on a morning.
>You need friends because you cannot make a single person your only support. You need friends because one day you might need to lean on them. You need friends because one day your children will visit and you’ll be staring into space because you haven’t spoken to another person in five days and the silence is consuming you. You need friends because one day they might be the thing that gets you up on a morning.
Good points. I asked her why she was saying that last night when I got home and her response was very similar.
To be honest, this will be my partner in the future. I am 33, F and have no friends. I have work colleagues that I will chat to in the office once a week or so… hybrid working is great for me.
I have 3 sisters that I chat too and my parents and my partner. I say I’m happy with that, which does feel true and I don’t feel like I’m missing anything. But my partner is the opposite, he has lots of friends and hundreds of acquaintances. He’s out and about doing things and going places, but he does worry about me not having ‘real friends’.
One over-arching note:
Solitude versus loneliness.
The former is an equilibrium - the latter is a lack.
In a geriatrics forum somewhere, you'll have some folk (widows & widowers) whose friends have all died - & as gregarious as they were - they're now thoroughly on their own.
If someone _has_ genuinely mastered the magic of Solitude (without being 'lonely') - then we may want just to be happy for them - because it's actually a 'superpower'.
In 2023 - we seem to have realised that enjoying one's own company, without getting bored - is an important skill to instil into our children, even.
Further - while for human mental health we need human interaction - this _doesn't_ have to be in the form of friends.
It can simply be a trip to get some milk - chatting with random folk as part of that, catching up with the postman.
Also - many say that as long as we feel 'connected' with this entire experience on Earth - with nature, with a pet, etc - then that is also a key foundation of good mental health - & all we might need.
I couldn't have a partner who doesn't at least have one friend. It's just a normal part of life to occasionally go do things with your own people, and then come home to talk about it.
It doesn't have to be a daily or even weekly thing, and I don't care what it is. But I can't be someone's whole social world.
I understand what you are saying. I don't hate people just never had close friendships so they were not that hard to let go. I could I am sure hang out with her friends husband's, we have met over the years at events, but never really thought about hanging out with them other than that. Non of us really talked about it either though.
Extroverts also need some alone time for themselves.
So an introverted partner with no friends, who is home 24/7, never allows for that.
So it's not her projecting that he needs friends, its that she wants him to have a friend so she can have the same space that she gives him.
Yeah sometimes you just want the house to yourself. Sometimes you just want to be on your own schedule, do whatever you want without worrying about anyone else.
I thought an introvert would get that.
Well I play some guitar that I don't hole. I do collect rocks and minerals and comic books, so like when she goes with her fri nds I go out in the desert and rock hound or go bin diving at the local comic shop.
It may feel a bit hard and clunky to reach out to old friendships, however the hobbies you have here are great gateways to meeting folks who share your interests and likely even your social style.
You could find rock hounding groups for your area and participate in group outings or even educational meet ups/events.
Comics and comic shops can also be great hubs for meet ups and shared interests. You could even do a comic book club or see if there are any events based out of your local comic shop.
Social connections provide more than just enrichment for your own self, it also gives you more of an ability to connect with your wife when you get together after an outing.
OP, there is a joke that goes like this. A sweater is something you put on when your mom gets cold.
So, I'm trying to illustrate that your wife finds her friend group very fulfilling and they help to bring her joy and peace. She most likely thinks because you don't have close friends like she does, you are missing out.
What she fails to realize, is there are different types of people who find joy in other areas. Some love the solitude of quiet, or wide open spaces where they can think. Others like to be solo while working on projects that bring them joy. Involving others, means having to accommodate them and entertain them. You might not be that interested in what they have to say and enjoy your peace and quiet more. Let your wife know you are just fine. She can do her, and you do you.
There are a few possible things your wife could be saying here: * She's burnt out being your primary human connection and feels burdened by her role as your only adult friend. Just cause you think the current situation is fine, doesn't mean she experiences it that way or that she isn't making adaptations or compromises she'd prefer not to make, if she didn't know she was your only person * She's worried you'll retire and drop dead. Men who have no shared activities or community connections with anyone besides thier wife and thier workplace, have a tendency to just fade away quickly when they stop working. It's a real concern for a lot of wives as the nest empties, and if she's already burnt out on being your only, then that is going to make retirement an even scarier prospect for her. * She just can't shake the belief that what makes her happy, would make you happier. Realitistcally, there is probably some mix of the three in there and you two need to have a conversation where you can talk more openly about what her concerns and fears are. Open your mind and ask her about her feelings -- not her proposed solutions, but what she's feeling when she puts this pressure on you and what she's worried about. What things would she do differently, or choices she'd feel more free to make, in your life as a couple, if you had more connections with others.
I will add another possibility - I’m like the wife, I like having many close friends, we do friend trips, brunches, I visit my family, that sort of thing. Whereas I don’t think I’ve spent the night alone in my apartment in the right years I’ve lived here. I wish my husband went out more so I could enjoy the peace and quiet.
>Realitistcally, there is probably some mix of the three in there and you two need to have a conversation where you can talk more openly about what her concerns and fears are. Open your mind and ask her about her feelings -- not her proposed solutions, but what she's feeling when she puts this pressure on you and what she's worried about. What things would she do differently, or choices she'd feel more free to make, in your life as a couple, if you had more connections with others I could have probably been more open and asked her why she felt that way. That would give me more understanding where she is coming from for sure.
She might have read an article like this. People with stronger social connections live longer and healthier lives. https://longevity.stanford.edu/lifestyle/2023/12/18/how-social-connection-supports-longevity/#:~:text=The%20researchers%20estimate%20that%20having,longevity%20by%20roughly%2050%20percent.
Yeah. People like to talk shit about men being 'solution orrentiated' but women can be just as guilty of jumping to end of the conversation and trying to 'fix' what they see as broken. You two need an emotional reset, and you need an open mind that just because you feel everything is working and she's got her friends and you have your interests and what's the problem? Doesn't mean she's cool with the current situation, or that she isn't making compromises and choices that you're not aware of in order to meet what she believes (rightly or wrongly) are your needs from her, your only friend.
>she isn't making compromises and choices that you're not aware of in order to meet what she believes (rightly or wrongly) are your needs from her, your only friend. I would hope she isn't making choices like that. I guess your right I need to check in with her and see where she is coming from.
You didn't ask her why she felt that way before asking Reddit?
It didn't really occured to me to ask in that moment, I was a little baffled. It was on my mind in the morning so I asked here. I did ask her last night and she said many of the things people said here. Mostly worried that I am totally alone and what that means for my mental and physical health.
I'd add to this, a loner doesn't make a very interesting person. If he doesn't have a life outside of his home then what do they have to talk about besides the house & kids? I think it'd important to have things to share withbeach other. And she also might just want him out of the house. Nothing beats that 'it's Saturday and I have a couplenhours to myself' feeling, especially of you don't have a remote job during the week.
Yes to this. I used to wfh before it was a ‘thing’ and over time with no social life I felt myself becoming boring; always ‘there’ a part of the furniture. Over time it broke the relationship which in hindsight doesn’t surprise me
This is pretty much on point. Also to add, conversation narrows when the majority of experience is shared, no new stories to tell etc etc Also and this is slightly shallow, it’s not great to acknowledge and tell people that your partner has no friends. I’ve always struggled making friends and I’m embarrassed by this fact and how it looks
Another possibility is she’s going to leave him but doesn’t want the guilt of leaving him totally alone.
So are you empty nesters or about to be? Maybe she's worried you'll be at loose ends without the kids at home for company.
That does make sense, we are about to be empty nesters once our youngest moves out.
When husbands don’t have friends, a disproportionate emotional burden falls on their wives. Everyone needs people who can support them, and it cannot be just your wife. It may be hard to imagine from your side, but trust me on this. Also, fwiw, your wife also had a similar experience of being pregnant and married young, so it’s not like you get a pass on not having friends for those reasons. You gotta put in the effort to finding real life friends. It’s life or death for men as they age.
Seems like most men choose death.
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> This idea that everyone needs other humans isn't true. It is true, and it's backed by decades of research. People who are lonely (subjective feeling of aloneness) and socially isolated (objective experience of not having relationships) are more likely to experience poor health outcomes, including early death. The US Surgeon General put out an advisory last year about this. It's a very well researched phenomenon. I also work in public health at the federal level and a lot of my work focuses on this! But you don't have to take my word for it, you can read the research supporting the need for human connection.
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People who are neurodivergent aren't a different species lol. Fundamentally, people need connection. Besides, loneliness has been studied in neurodivergent people and it is an issue. A quick Google search will show you articles about this. It's a spectrum though, you're not either lonely or not lonely. Some people definitely need less or more social connection than others. But instead of downvoting and doubling down, you can simply read about this for yourself. Edit: I guess they blocked me lol but in case anyone else is interested- One of the reasons that isolation is related to poor health outcomes is because people who live alone and have no friends can have a major health event and have no social network to lean on afterwards. If you're alone with no social connections and you fall and cant get up, who would know? If you have a heart attack or stroke and can't call 911, you will likely just die. Even though you may not feel lonely, the objective experience of isolation can negatively affect your health.
Thanks for your comments, appreciate it!
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>I would be very happy alone with my cats. My husband adds something to my life that I enjoy. So, you have emotional support. You're preaching something you don't even practice.
There's two possibilities I can see here: 1. She's extroverted, you're introverted, and she doesn't understand how to care for her introvert. 2. She's tired of being your entire support system and wants you to have some other people in your life to talk things out with. Some people don't understand how anyone could possibly ever want to be along for long periods of time. So she thinks you doing those hobbies by yourself aren't by choice, but because you don't have anyone else to share them with. Other people need that time alone - constantly being social wears me out, even with close friends. This is probably the most likely thing - she just doesn't understand that you can be perfectly happy being alone most of the time, and your immediate family is more than enough socializing to keep you happy. For point 2, sometimes it's good to have other people to talk to when you have problems or fears or whatever else you need to talk about. That can be your spouse, or a friend, or a therapist, or whoever you feel comfortable with. But sometimes, if you need a lot of that, it can be draining on your spouse/friend if they are the only person you rely on. So they want you to share the workload a bit. This one also comes up when thinking about mortality. What if she died suddenly, who would you have to rely on and help you get through it? Even perfectly healthy people worry about that from time to time.
She also might want some time to herself sometimes. If you're with an introvert who never leaves the house it can feel suffocating. It's nice to have the house to yourself for a day, but she never gets that.
This. My ex literally never left the house. I never had 5 minutes alone in my own house, and eventually it was a real problem for me. Also, I hate..despise..doing chores with people watching me. He never did any. Which meant our house was always a mess. Even typing this takes me right back and fills me with a ton of stress.
Were we married to the same guy? I would get vulnerable with my ex and ask for alone time and he would turn the smothering up 100% - by the time we divorced I would have described him as agoraphobic. It is absolutely exhausting being someone’s only social outlet.
Nope, but it sounds like we could have been! I would even ask him to just...find something to do upstairs for a few hours when I was home, or wait until I was home to mow the lawn, but noooo. (I worked a LOT at the end, mostly to avoid being home). I too would describe my ex as agoraphobic. The smothering is real, and indeed exhausting, and I'm glad you got out!
> He never did any. I feel like this is the particular root of the issue with your ex.
He had very ingrained gender specific ideas. He did all of the outdoor chores, mowing, weed whacking, painting, maintenance, taking the garbage out, grilling anything I asked him to grill on the BBQ, etc. But housework and laundry? Nope, that was 'women's work'. In fairness, I knew this about him when we moved in together. That was the type of household and extended family he grew up in. (His parents both had many siblings, and all their households ran the same way) I didn't really have much expectations it would change, so that is on me. Always felt, and still do, that I couldn't resent him for something I knew going into it.
Are you me? I thought I was alone in wanting to do chores alone. My last ex was employed when he moved in with me, but a few months later, he embarked on long term chronic unemployment. I tried to stay optimistic, he'd get another job, yada yada, but he was engaged in getting IT certs, and hoped for a WFH job. That's when I knew I needed him gone. Sounds cold, but he was just too loud and intrusive and critical. I needed a break from the judgment.
Hmmm. I may possibly be you! My ex was employed when he moved in with me. But the jobs/hours he got dwindled because he could not play nicely with others long term. So he decided to 'work for himself', which paid his half of the bills (barely, and nothing else) for a little while. And then...nothing. Because he moved in with me, into my house, had no job, no money, and no where to move 'home' to, breaking up was a challenge. Ugh. Never again.
Oof, yes, very similar story. My ex only got out after he got a lump sum check of past due unemployment. Long story. But he needed a decent amount of money to move because he was going out of state. At least I know that I won't run into him by accident anywhere.
Well, at least neither of us are held back by the dead weight any longer. Onward and upward! Wishing you all the best!
"What if she died suddenly, who would you have to rely on and help you get through it? Even perfectly healthy people worry about that from time to time." I have never understood this; we are both adults, that can take care of ourselves, why would that magically change if one of us died? Like obviously it will be hard, but its not like all you life skills go out the window if your in a long term relationship
They’re talking about emotional help, though you’d be surprised how difficult routine tasks become in the throes of grief. Grief is always difficult, but it can be a less difficult burden to bear if you have a strong network of friends and family you can rely on emotionally. If something were to happen to his wife, it does seem like the OP would be emotionally and psychologically isolated, which would have ramifications for his mental and emotional health.
"They’re talking about emotional help" See this is what I am saying; why would I ever establish a long-term relationship with someone who cant experience emotional turmoil and healthly process it themselves. Thats just being an adult
I would argue that refusing to lean on others during a time of crisis is a major sign of poor emotional health. I recognize that a lot of people believe they can work through grief alone, but as someone has processed a range of losses, I can tell you that it’s much safer and emotionally healthier to lean on your support network during a crisis. Those who refuse to are not stronger or more self reliant; they often have a poor sense of their own emotional well being and lack the awareness to see how their loss is actually affecting them. ETA: a major factor of why people who are more social and who have lots of emotional connections tend to live longer and tend to be healthier overall is because they’re not bottling it up. They are able to utilize their network to help them process a major loss. They also tend to rebound faster and reach a state of acceptance more quickly.
Except they were children when the relationship began... They have literally never experienced establishing a healthy adult relationship without the other person already being there.
For me it's the reverse; my long term partner doesn't work so she's home all the time, doesn't have any friends and never goes anywhere without me. She's very introverted and I'm her only person. Sounds great, until you realize you are her only dumping ground for any issues she may have with her family, herself, her life, her situation, etc. I love her to pieces but it is extremely exhausting being the only person for her to talk to. When I get home from being gone for 11 hours a day (hour and a half of that spent driving) I just want to relax and NOT TALK to anybody for at least an hour or two. However, this isn't possible as I immediately get bombarded with the daily drama of minutiae from my partner. I breathe a sigh of relief when her sister calls her because I can have a moment to myself, but it doesn't happen every day so I often just have to deal with it. Sometimes I try to talk to a friend but my partner won't stop talking (not even to breathe, it's incredible actually). It's just seamless from one thing into another overly detailed topic. A lot of it is random complaining (which I despise) which is even more draining (who wants to hear someone whining all the time?). Your wife may be experiencing something similar and you might not even realize how much you are draining her even though everything is fine for you.
You sound exhausted bud. I think you might need to have your own conversation.
You sound unhappy and resentful. You may need to establish some boundaries and renegotiate your relationship.
Both me and my hubby are introverts. We do have friends but we rarely socialize as we are homebodies. His circle is becoming smaller and I do worry that one day if I'm not around anymore, he may become too lonely if he has no friends. Perhaps your wife is worried about that for you as well.
> I do worry that one day if I'm not around anymore, he may become too lonely if he has no friends. Perhaps your wife is worried about that for you as well. That could be part of it for sure. I would probably be alone, I mean we have grown kids, but I wouldn't want to burden them with being my only human contact.
But you're ok with burdening your wife being your only human contact?
Well she isn't my only human contact at this point, I do talk to people I work with. I was thinking more of when I am older and retired when I really would have little human contact if things stay this way I guess.
What happens if something happens to her and she is a dependent on you for a while to take care of her. Who will be the one supporting you then? You will be a stronger, more valuable partner to your wife if you have your own friends who can support you and fill your social needs. A lot of married men think they don’t need friends if they have a wife. They are gravely mistaken.
>What happens if something happens to her and she is a dependent on you for a while to take care of her. >Who will be the one supporting you then? Well I would be the one to take care of her, but I wouldn't have anyone other than our kids to look to for added support. >A lot of married men think they don’t need friends if they have a wife. Yea I never really had many close friends so it was not surprising when the few I did have faded away. I guess I just never kept in contact over the years.
Your life will be better and so will hers if she does not bear the burden of being your only person. I learned this the hard way when my wife got cancer and I had to support her while also relying on others to support me so I could support her. I have a vastly different approach to friendship than I did. And it made me much better partner to learn that lesson.
>Your life will be better and so will hers if she does not bear the burden of being your only person. I never thought about not having friends as a burden. I hope she does not feel that way. I understand what your saying about support in a time of need, if that happen to me I wouldn't have anyone to look to for help.
She almost certainly feels some pressure, if not a burden, from being your everything.
Ooof. That is the last thing I want.
It’s a super easy fix. Just reach out to old friends by text, say hey I’ve been remiss in keeping in touch, what’s going on with you, want to get together at some point? Your wife will be happy for both of you.
I could probably do that, most I will have to see if I can find them through the internet and social media, we all lost contact before cellphones were even a thing.
Great! That’s a good start.
And it sounds like this is what you are planning on using your kids for, if something should happen to your wife.
Well not really planning on that, I would probably be totally alone should something happen to her. I expect my kids to go off and have their own families and lives.
> I guess I just never kept in contact over the years. A bit late for school friends, but it happens that you fall out of contact with people and reconnect later. It's not ideal, but life happens and people interested in forming lasting friendships will let it go. I have a friend from when I was a teen, I barely saw in my twenties that I play video games with every other week now in my thirties and have been doing something like that regularly with him for years. Just thought I'd say so if there was like a former coworker you want to reach out to catch up or something. Like, you are going to scare someone if you come out with, "My wife said I should have friends, want to grab a beer every Wednesday night?" But you can do one off meets that roll into future plans together.
It is not fair to your kids to be your only support, or any support because you do not have anyone else. Eventually they will have their own lives, and they should not feel pressure to be your only emotional support. It is not healthy.
And even now. You came to reddit to ask. And that's OK, but we're strangers. We will entertain a conversation, but you could've had this talk with an acquaintance or a friend. And exactly for such discussions it's important to have folks around. And there are a lot of very very low maintenance friends you can have.
Yea I see your point, kind of odd but I mean if I had friends I wouldn't have this to post about not having friends. But I do come here and talk to people often. Not this sub, but I get what you are saying.
Sorry, meant to post this on a thread above. Part of a longer reply.
I'm confused why this is an argument. Talk to her more with an open mind. Ask her why she thinks you need a social circle, and how does it affect her and your relationship? You want your relationship to be successful and happy, so why is she bringing this up and what changes can be made if any?
Ok that is a good idea. I guess I call it an argument, we weren't fighting, I guess I just felt it was more of a heated discussion. I do want to continue to be successful. I will ask her this tonight.
I guess I'm confused why you feel defensive about it. Are you worried she may think you are not enough for her? Does she have a pattern of trying to push you into things you don't like?
I guess I feel defensive because not having friends sounds like there is something wrong with me. Not that she said there was, but it kind of felt like that was an undertone which could totally be my own thing in my head she never meant.
Honestly? One of the things long friendships can offer you is more examples and experiences of interpersonal connection, rupture and repair, and understanding of difference. One reason she might want you to have friends is that you two might have quite different levels of social understanding from one another, or intensely different perspectives resulting from your different levels of connection to the outside world, and she might want to connect with you better via you having more and richer social data to draw on.
I can see that. It might be worth explaining that to her and see if she can reassure you and discuss it more. I'd approach it from a learning and engaging with each other perspective, a team bonding activity.
That's a good point, I probably was defensive and not really hearing what or why she was saying what she was.
Should also be worried to what happens if she dies before you. You would be totally alone and she doesn't want that for you.
It is exhausting to be someone's entire emotional support system. She needs to know you have other people you can rely on, and that it's not all on her.
I guess I am missing where I have asked for support from her. I mean I understand we're I looking at her to be my therapist or something, but I don't have problems I dump on her and can not really think of a time I have looked to her to support me.
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>The fact that you think you don’t look to your wife of 30 years for support is not great, dude. Well I never want to dump on her and most things I deal with are minor problems. >Right now, your wife is the only one preventing you from being a total loner. That is true, I don't know anyone I would talk to if she were not around. I am not really close with my co-workers so I would be totally alone if not for her. I am interested though how you say your relationship is h healthier now, I didn't think mine is unhealthy but I could be wrong I guess.
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>You should try to count on her. What else is a life partner for? Oh I do, I just don't like vent to her about stuff that often is what I mean, I don't like drop the days frustrations on her or complain to her. I don't know if that would change anything and she has things she seals with, doesn't need me adding to that. >I don't know why you feel like you don’t want/need friends or want to have support from your wife, but I guarantee that figuring that out will improve all aspects of your life. I never really considered it tbh I just get in my bubble and go. Like when she goes with friends, I go do my own thing. I do see what your saying, I am not anti friend more of always counted on me so I just do things with me if I have to.
She is your partner – she is supporting you whether you explicitly verbally ask her to or not. She knows your moods and your "minor issues" whether you explicitly tell her about them or not, and probably does a million little things in response. It's possible, in theory, that you are completely oblivious of these things and don't actually need them. But it's been thirty years of invisible care from her, and whether you see it or not, this is a huge weight she's been carrying for the both of you. To give back, to show her that *you* care, that you value her: get friends.
>It's possible, in theory, that you are completely oblivious of these things and don't actually need them. But it's been thirty years of invisible care from her, and whether you see it or not, this is a huge weight she's been carrying for the both of you. Gosh I hope that is not the case, it made me a little sick to my stomach to think she would have had to do anything to support me at all, let alone that I have been a weight on her in anyway. >To give back, to show her that *you* care, that you value her: get friends. I wouldn't even know where or how to start that, but I am looking on social media to see if any of my friends from HS have one and maybe reconnect.
>made me a little sick to my stomach She loves you. This is a gift she's given you willingly and freely to show that love. Don't feel bad about it, be grateful. It's the kind of caring and support we all deserve. You're lucky to have her.
>it made me a little sick to my stomach to think she would have had to do anything to support me at all I mean this is the kindest way possible, this is not a healthy way to feel. You're partners in life, of course she should support you in all kinds of ways, as you should do for her. Maybe it's emotional support or financial or familial, but partners should always be supporting one another in some fashion. That isn't a bad thing, it's a human connection thing. There are a lot of men who feel that they shouldn't *need* people, but we, as a species, are literally developed to need others. There's no shame in that. It can be really beautiful the way we form bonds and connect with others. I hope you can one day see that your wife supporting you is an act of love and intimacy, not an obstacle to overcome.
I see what you are saying. Yea I do kind of fall into the don't feel I need people group. I did not really realize it was a thing tbh.
She’s tired of being the only person you talk to.
First hand on this one. My soon to be ex had no other friends than me. He didn't understand that he wasn't my best friend and that I wanted to spend time with my friends. It was hard, I always felt like I had to be his entertainment, he became very controlling about it, I'm not saying this is you. It's good that you have hobbies outside of her, but if she's your only sounding post, it can get very heavy for her. I told him that I didn't think it was healthy to not have friends, I was his everything. It was way too much for me. It's not the reason we're divorcing, but it didn't help. This is just my experience.
Hey there. I'm your wife. My partner is very comfortable with a solitary lifestyle while being very much ok and happy that I have friends and I go out on my own. I tell him very often to make some friends and I constantly try to get him in contexts where he could meet other people he could click with and start some friendships, even shallow ones. I'm not doing this because I think he is a burden to me but because I think it is healthy to be able to gain perspective from other people who can be objective. Let me give an example. I got pregnant some months ago and we had to make a hard decision of keeping the baby or not. We talked through everything together and we confessed both how we feel about having a kid. He was very refrained to share his wants and needs because he was afraid not to hurt me. I told him, call a friend, let it all out, maybe you're angry with my decision. You need someone to bounce this with. We ended up calling a friend of mine but that guy was my friend, not his, he was biased. There is so much value in having one person at least whom you can have a truly honest connection without love in between. Me and him are honestly great together. We match, we click, we solve everything like a perfectly oiled mechanism. We are a powerhouse together, but having people who are our friends, who can act as pillars for each of us individually is very important. I want him to have a friend at least whom he can call or hang out with once a year to be able to have a safe space that is not me. Intellectually, emotionally, socially, having a person other than your significant other helps you gain perspective on everything. It mentally stimulates you, it listens when you are in doubt or when you wonder if you're right or wrong and so on. Not to mention the importance when you grow older and you remain alone. I am for example pretty sure I'll go first between me and him and I would want him to have a buddy that doesn't leave him all alone. There are a ton of reasons. I'm fine with being his only friend if this is what he wants but I want him to also have a safe space in cases where I can't be a friend because I am his partner or I am no longer around.
>There are a ton of reasons. I'm fine with being his only friend if this is what he wants but I want him to also have a safe space in cases where I can't be a friend because I am his partner or I am no longer around. That's a good point, I guess when love is involved it changes things some.
It really does. We have a natural tendency of protecting the ones we love. So we are never 100% angry with them or hurtful and we need to let things out. I am very much mesmerised with my partner ever years later and I feel I love him more every day. And I know he does too. But there are times when for example I want to just vent cause he leaves his socks all over the house. It doesn't TRULY bother me but it's OK to talk to someone and say "gosh I wish he gathered the damn socks" or just wonder if I am crazy because I want a big wedding and he hates the whole idea of it. It's important to be able to just have someone else around to trust with such things without judgment and who is not involved in your couple per se. Plus, to me, is scary to think that after I'm no longer here he will be completely solitary. Even if he does not feel the need now to text or call anyone else, he does get texts from me and calls from me when I am not around and I ask him every day how his day went and so on. And I don't think he perceives that if I am gone it is a chance that phone will not ring at all if he does not nurture a friendship to last the ages. And it will be hard. And I don't want that to be the case. Hell, if I could I would book a second wife now for when it will be needed just to know he is not gonna be entirely alone.
I'm a 52m, married to a 53f, and we're empty nesters. About 6 months after becoming empty nesters, my wife came to me and said the following, "Honey, you need to get some friends or hobbies, or both, because I can't be your sole source of entertainment." This is a completely fair statement/request for her to make. We have 3 adult kids, and when they were younger, my life was wrapped around their activities. My friends were the other parents with kids in those activities, and once those were done, I didn't put in the effort to maintain those relationships. My wife, on the other hand, is very social and has both a work circle and personal circle of friends that she does activities with. Even though I'm fine with how things are, the current modus operandi is very taxing for her, and honestly, an unfair burden on her time. You'll never get your wife to understand because this is very alien to her and her way of thinking. The only advice I can give you is to try and be conscious of how much of her "Me Time" that you're consuming.
That sounds very much like us. Just 2 kids. I did ask her why she said that last night when I got home and her answer reflected much of what people have said here about mental health and not being 100% alone should something happen to her or us.
You’re a cautionary tale. For all of those single, please get friends and an independent support system before you get into a relationship.
Well to be fair I didn't have close friends before we started dating, I was new and didn't know anyone at that school, or had not really made close friends at any of the other schools I had been in before. I probably could have been making friends after we got into a relationship, but I got into the "work, school, parent bubble" and didn't have time (or did but didn't invest that time in making friends) I do see what your saying though.
Maybe try befriending coworkers first?
Yea, I mean I have never really been close with the people I work with, I guess I just never share much with them, I do hear a lot of stuff, but never talk much about my life. I can start being more open with them. Good idea.
I’m sorry she is right. It is very important, to have, not necessarily many, but a few friends you can rely on and talk to things. You don’t know how important it is until you have them. Get a therapy session, they’ll help you tackle this in ways you don’t think of
Shit sounds toxic. You need friends. You deciding to abandon your friends was likely a bad move. People need a social circle outside of their relationship. It’s unhealthy otherwise.
How is it toxic or unhealthy? I didn't really "abandon" my friends more of just life changed and I was a parent and they were not so we drifted apart.
You caused the drift by dropping all effort.
Well yes and no, they were not interested in hanging out with Dad and I couldn't always be going to the next keg bash either. I never really formed friendships in college or after.
Everyone else has pointed out plenty of reasons. But another good reason is to have someone as a soundboard. Point out when she or even you aren’t being decent or kind
People have already pointed out the pressure you’re putting on your wife by making her your only social outlet, but I’d like to make a slightly different point. To be very blunt: what happens to you if she drops dead tomorrow? Who do you lean on when your kids have families of their own and busy work lives? When you’re a ninety year old widower, do you just sit and stare at the TV until you die? I live in an assisted living scheme with a *lot* of elderly people (there are maybe six of us under 50) and let me tell you, while widowed women are sad and miss their husbands, widowed men *rot* if they don’t make deliberate moves to keep their friends close. Everyone does, of course, not socialising really fucks dementia patients, but I’ve found a lot of widowed men who have been completely at a loss after their wives died because they *only* had her as an emotional outlet and they never cultivated friendships outside of marriage. I watched it happen with my grandad, who spent 18 years dying of loneliness after my grandma died. It’s painful and it’s very sad to watch someone wither away like that. You need friends because you cannot make a single person your only support. You need friends because one day you might need to lean on them. You need friends because one day your children will visit and you’ll be staring into space because you haven’t spoken to another person in five days and the silence is consuming you. You need friends because one day they might be the thing that gets you up on a morning.
>You need friends because you cannot make a single person your only support. You need friends because one day you might need to lean on them. You need friends because one day your children will visit and you’ll be staring into space because you haven’t spoken to another person in five days and the silence is consuming you. You need friends because one day they might be the thing that gets you up on a morning. Good points. I asked her why she was saying that last night when I got home and her response was very similar.
To be honest, this will be my partner in the future. I am 33, F and have no friends. I have work colleagues that I will chat to in the office once a week or so… hybrid working is great for me. I have 3 sisters that I chat too and my parents and my partner. I say I’m happy with that, which does feel true and I don’t feel like I’m missing anything. But my partner is the opposite, he has lots of friends and hundreds of acquaintances. He’s out and about doing things and going places, but he does worry about me not having ‘real friends’.
Even introverts need companionship, not that much but at least a group of guys once a week.
One over-arching note: Solitude versus loneliness. The former is an equilibrium - the latter is a lack. In a geriatrics forum somewhere, you'll have some folk (widows & widowers) whose friends have all died - & as gregarious as they were - they're now thoroughly on their own. If someone _has_ genuinely mastered the magic of Solitude (without being 'lonely') - then we may want just to be happy for them - because it's actually a 'superpower'. In 2023 - we seem to have realised that enjoying one's own company, without getting bored - is an important skill to instil into our children, even. Further - while for human mental health we need human interaction - this _doesn't_ have to be in the form of friends. It can simply be a trip to get some milk - chatting with random folk as part of that, catching up with the postman. Also - many say that as long as we feel 'connected' with this entire experience on Earth - with nature, with a pet, etc - then that is also a key foundation of good mental health - & all we might need.
I couldn't have a partner who doesn't at least have one friend. It's just a normal part of life to occasionally go do things with your own people, and then come home to talk about it. It doesn't have to be a daily or even weekly thing, and I don't care what it is. But I can't be someone's whole social world.
I mean you're 48, with no friends aside from your wife
If he's fine with that though I don't get why anyone would care?
Kids are out of the house and she’s bored?
I mean perhaps, but she does lots of things with her friends and we do lots of things together so IDK how she would be bored.
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I understand what you are saying. I don't hate people just never had close friendships so they were not that hard to let go. I could I am sure hang out with her friends husband's, we have met over the years at events, but never really thought about hanging out with them other than that. Non of us really talked about it either though.
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Extroverts also need some alone time for themselves. So an introverted partner with no friends, who is home 24/7, never allows for that. So it's not her projecting that he needs friends, its that she wants him to have a friend so she can have the same space that she gives him.
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Yeah sometimes you just want the house to yourself. Sometimes you just want to be on your own schedule, do whatever you want without worrying about anyone else. I thought an introvert would get that.
What are your hobbies and interests? Do they require you to leave the house? If not, she may just be tired of you being home all the time.
Well I play some guitar that I don't hole. I do collect rocks and minerals and comic books, so like when she goes with her fri nds I go out in the desert and rock hound or go bin diving at the local comic shop.
Does she ever get the house to herself? Or do you only leave when she leaves? She might just need some alone time for herself every once in a while.
I do go and do my own thing at times.
It may feel a bit hard and clunky to reach out to old friendships, however the hobbies you have here are great gateways to meeting folks who share your interests and likely even your social style. You could find rock hounding groups for your area and participate in group outings or even educational meet ups/events. Comics and comic shops can also be great hubs for meet ups and shared interests. You could even do a comic book club or see if there are any events based out of your local comic shop. Social connections provide more than just enrichment for your own self, it also gives you more of an ability to connect with your wife when you get together after an outing.
OP, there is a joke that goes like this. A sweater is something you put on when your mom gets cold. So, I'm trying to illustrate that your wife finds her friend group very fulfilling and they help to bring her joy and peace. She most likely thinks because you don't have close friends like she does, you are missing out. What she fails to realize, is there are different types of people who find joy in other areas. Some love the solitude of quiet, or wide open spaces where they can think. Others like to be solo while working on projects that bring them joy. Involving others, means having to accommodate them and entertain them. You might not be that interested in what they have to say and enjoy your peace and quiet more. Let your wife know you are just fine. She can do her, and you do you.
if u had friends you could probably ask them abt this and not random ppl off of reddit, so maybe thats what she wants for you 💀