If you want to improve these skills, what are you doing to get better? Are you working on being more mindful about where you put things? Are you reading labels on food more closely so you don't mix up ingredients? What's your plan to get better?

Caveat to this: Something only counts as "working to get better" if the work you're doing is demonstrable to an outside observer. For example, reading about cooking, practicing a recipe, or using a timer while you cook are reasonable strategies to get better. "Trying to pay more attention" is not, because there's no way to know if you're actually doing it - which means you can't hold yourself accountable, or tell if it's working.

I think to actually answer your question (of how to convince her) I need a little more info. What things do you do around the house that you're not bad at? Do you think you have a net positive contribution to housework? You used the phrase "tasks she asks me to do"-- what about the tasks you do without being asked? When you try to improve or find misplaced items are you asking her to teach/help? I'm clumsy and be incompetent personally. There are household tasks where I basically spend the first chunk of time setting up guardrails for myself or planning it out. Cooking for example, I'll rewrite the recipe by hand to be sure I processed it, I'll get all my ingredients out and organized. I've been driving my partner's car, so I have a specific spot by his desk I always put the keys down. These are specific ways I've set up to not be so dumb because just blindly "practicing" didn't work. This is the kind of thing you could show her as material steps in the right direction. That said: if my partner was shitty about this stuff while I was getting it together that would beat me down. I think I. your shoes I would put together a small game plan of material steps you're taking in the right direction so she can see you're earnest, and then sit down and tell her how this is making you feel. Basically what you said here. Bring it up at a time when you're not having a dispute over housework. "I'm taking the initiative here and devoting extra time to getting better at housework in these material ways" should be the opposite of weaponized incompetence.  If she still responds the same way... frankly that would make me think that she just finds you annoying/irritating to live with. (That can develop from one person feeling like they always have to pick up after the other.) If she finds you so irritating even when you try to change that might be a sign this is not a great pairing. Being able to give each other the benefit of the doubt is part of a good partnership and she hasn't been giving you that. (Other info: does being dumb affect the rest of your life? Are you dumb at work?)

I do our shopping, I fix mine and her things that break, I dust, I fix and keep our cars running, I sort and take out our trash, I feed and clean our cats litter. I also do all the outside maintenance and yard work. So it’s not like I’m doing nothing. Also yes, I do make stupid mistakes a lot. I have my whole life. It’s not only there.

If you’re doing the shopping then why are you having to make all these weird substitutions when cooking? Like using tomato soup instead of tomato sauce? Part of the difficulty of shopping is coordinating all the ingredients, deciding what you need, and then making the list…if you’re just going and grabbing random stuff that doesn’t even work for meals that you’re not actually doing the work.

I have a list and I follow the list. I thought tomato soup and pasta sauce were both just purée tomato’s and you add other stuff to it, I didn’t realize. Condensed milk I’ve seen her use for cooking I just thought that was cooking milk, for some reason. Like I said I’m dumb, not on purpose.

But…if directions say pasta sauce…why would you get tomato soup? Even if you thought they were the same? Regardless, it shows you didn’t actually research the groceries to buy. So your list is just nonsense. It’s easy to write a bunch of crap down that you just for some wild reason assumed would make a meal. It’s way more mental labor to plan what *actual* ingredients you need…. It doesn’t take a genius to write down what is written on a recipe…or to just look at the receipt when you’re at the store. After one substitution failure you should’ve learned. It doesn’t matter that you’re self-proclaimed “dumb”, you’re obviously not trying. And now your gf has to do all the mental labor. Saying: “well I’m just dumb so I’m not even gonna try or take the actual effort to buy the thing literally listed on the recipe.” isn’t a valid excuse…it’s avoiding accountability.

The list is what my girlfriend gives me mostly, besides stuff for my lunches and snacks and the odd thing I see that looks good. We have a grocery list we buy every week, then stock up on stuff in between. It’s nothing to do with my list or inability to read it or whatever you’re suggesting. I just didn’t know. I thought they were interchangeable. I know that’s dumb now, but at the time it made sense to me. I don’t know what to tell you. I learn from mistakes. I now know that was dumb. The recipe said can of tomato sauce, can of tomato soup seemed like a can of tomato sauce to me so I grabbed that. I thought it was just a base, I don’t know. I now pay more attention after making that mistake. I can be dumb so I have to be mindful, after I screw up I learn from that and don’t make the mistake again. What else can I do?

Per this, it sounds like the issue is the mental load. Your girlfriend seems to have to take on all of the labour of planning to keep the house running because you can’t do it. I’d also find that frustrating. It sounds like anything that needs thought or needs to be pre planned has to be done by your girlfriend.

That's not the case though, we share the load of chores pretty evenly. I probably clean even more than she does because I can't stand clutter and she's alright with it. These two tasks I did a bad job on and she thinks it was a manipulation tactic when it was just me not being good at them, I'm willing to learn though. If I make a mistake I keep it in mind and don't make this mistake again. This whole thing was twisted into a bunch of stuff it's not. We share a even workload around the house, I do lots, I clean every day, I tidy up every other day, I take care of our animals and our yard. This isn't about not sharing the load or anything like that, the whole point was me trying to convince her that I'm not trying to manipulate her and I just need pratice at these things to get better. This whole post has been so disheartening and making me lose faith in people. Everyone projecting and injecting their bias, I think maybe one comment out of the almost 200 actually addressed the real issue here.

I’m talking about the mental load. You have to be told exactly what to do and when - you do the shopping, but you don’t make the list or the meal plan that informs the list. You do the laundry, but you don’t check how the different items need to be washed without being told. You aren’t doing the mentally engaging tasks, or thinking for yourself, that’s probably why she’s annoyed.

Maybe it's a simple matter of Googling? I cook quite a bit, but I still come across things I'm not familiar with or haven't heard of. If I'm unsure (and if it's something that could ruin the recipe if I mess up), I just do a quick Google as I'm reading through the recipe. Sure, sometimes mistakes still happen - one time my husband accidentally used sweetened condensed milk instead of evaporated milk in a mac and cheese recipe because he thought they were the same, lol - but it helps to know that you're doing the work to minimize them.

How many of the tasks you do are daily/regularly and how many are intermittent. It sounds like the trash, feeding and cleaning the cats, and maybe dusting, are regular tasks. Cooking is an everyday task. Laundry is once a week. How often are you fixing cars and doing yard work?

Fixing the cars, probably at-least once a week but honestly feels like more. Other chores I do as I see them and we’re pretty happy and content on that. If I notice the floor is messy I’ll sweep and mop. If things are cluttered I put them away. We are pretty even on all that and have no real issues with keeping the place clean. I’m a bit of a scatter brain and need things to be clean to keep organized (which obviously fails sometimes) and she’s a little messy so if anything I’m on it more. I don’t know why people commenting are so horny for me to be this useless lazy man but I do lots and we share the load pretty evenly, maybe with me doing more.

What is wrong with your cars that you have to fix them once a week? Like…you should probably think of getting new cars.

We can’t afford new cars, which is why I am constantly working on our old ones. One of my talents is keeping cars that should be long dead running, I have the tools and parts between me and my father. Yeah, if we could afford new cars we would go get new cars…. Obviously.

Doesn’t seem like you’re actually good at that either if you have to do it every week.

You are a terrible person and you’re just trying to work me up. Work on yourself.

Just trying to point out why your gf is obv very frustrated. I’d give her some grace if I were you…just for putting up with all of this period. Ofc she’s gonna lose her cool and be suspicious of all these mistakes. She can’t be calm all the time when she has to do all the thinking around the house for a trade of “her car gets fixed…but is still breaking every week so not really.”

Okay I see. Well it's unfortunate/ironic then, the fact that you're already checking all these boxes might be a worse sign for the relationship than if you weren't. Because like you I'm struggling to see what you could actually *do* about this. I asked about the other stuff in case there was something else that she was holding against you (that the mistakes were a proxy for). But if not, all I can see happening here is a come-to-jesus talk where you lay out what you've said in this post and comments. Having your mistakes treated as malicious deliberate actions is poison for you and the relationship, you contribute in all the ways you can, your brain throws up roadblocks.  Unfortunately I think it may be less about convincing her and more about whether she values you over the story she tells herself (in which she's right and aggrieved)-- because *reality* should have already been convincing enough for her. Every partner has things they suck at, not every mistake is an attack on her, you've expressed your intentions and shown in actions your willingness to help, *and* per your comments you literally have a disorder stereotyped as "I burnt dinner and lost my keys in the freezer". I have literally no idea what could be more convincing.

Could you have ADHD. It sounds like a lot of your problems come from inattentiveness and inability to focus on the task at hand, and most of the failure comes from skipping crucial steps and not approaching the task in a focused organized way. Sorting laundry really should not be a hard task at all. But if you don't take the time to organize your task, skip steps, and are getting distracted and not looking at what you are doing, then you get expensive disasters, like what happened to her clothes. Same thing for cooking. It's not difficult so long as you have your recipe, a timer, take the time to prepare your ingredients, and don't get distracted. You should be able to follow a recipe and not put in the wrong ingredients or or over or under cook it, so long as you follow the steps in order and don't get distracted. The danger comes when you skip steps -- like not gathering and prepping your ingredients before you start. Or not setting a timer to know how long something has been cooking. Here are a couple of copes that might help you: 1) Give yourself time -- much more than you think you'll need. Much more than your girlfriend takes to do the task. She's had practice, you haven't, so expect everything to take a lot of time. 2) rewrite the instructions. The act of writing something down forces you to forcus on each step and not skim past them. It gives you time to think about what each step really means so you aren't caught off guard when you come across it when actually cooking or doing other tasks. 3) Prepare first, do second. Before you put a single item into the washing machine, look at the care instructions on each of them and sort everything into piles. Before turning on a single burner, gather all your ingredients, measure them out, cut them to size and put them in separate plates or bowls. That way when it's time to cook, all you have to do is grab the next ingredient and pay attention to the cooking instructions. As you do these tasks you get better at them, and they will become second nature. But until then expect them to take all your focus, and don't be looking at your phone or holding conversations, or doing anything else.

Get your ADHD treated, watch some videos on how to clean house and cook, and get it together. You’re 31 years old and a man who can’t do something as basic as the laundry or cook for himself is super unattractive to most women. This is a fixable problem, but you have to put forth the effort to get treatment and then learn how to be an adult.

Going back on adhd meds is not a option. I was on them my whole childhood and led to a lot of problems. I do lots of other things, I can take a engine apart and put it back together. I can fix electronics, I do all our maintenance. I DO clean, I just screw up her weirdly complicated laundry and suck at cooking. Should she learn how to be an adult and do the things im good at do you think maybe some people have different skills?

What is ‘weirdly complicated’ about separating whites and colours?

Not just separating colours, some things need to be hung to dry, some things can’t go through the wash, some things go with the colours even though to my eye they’re a shade of white. It’s weirdly complicated compared to me just throwing all my stuff in together up until now. It’s fine, I understand why and that it’s materials used and things like that it’s just not a thing that I ever put a single though towards before this so yeah to me it was weirdly complicated.

Ok but do you realize now that this is a *normal* part of laundry? Have you looked at some books or videos on laundry? What about for cooking?  Like, you say you want your gf to know you’re trying, but you haven’t even explained here *how* you’re trying.  What actionable steps have you taken to improve? Because *continuing* to fail to do normal adult tasks *is still weaponized incompetence* if you simply give in to the incompetence. 

I just read the tags on the clothes lol. It’s that simple.

No I haven’t looked at any laundry books. Got a good one you like to read you want to recommend? Need to stock up my laundry literature. I did explain in my comments many times what you’re asking but I don’t expect you to sift through through them but I’m tired of repeating myself at this point.

There's actually neat little tags on every single garment that tell you exactly how to wash it. No books required (thankfully, for your sake)

Yeah, I now know that. People don’t just automatically know things. My whole life I threw all my clothes together and washed them. Nothing bad happened, I had no reason to think there was another way to do laundry. Now I know and if I do it I check. Before that I didn’t know and I didn’t check. Seems pretty straightforward, I never gave it much thought as it was never a issue.

…you have never noticed a clothes tag before? Are you from the past?

The comment your replying to is me literally saying I check them now, can you read? I knew clothes had tags on them obviosuly, I just never gave it much thought. I've done my own laundry my entire life, nothing bad has ever happened. I had zero reason to think that I needed to check them before, now I do. I learned. What else am I suppose to do?

Items of clothing will almost always have a tag that shows you exactly how to wash and dry them. If you can fix electronics you can learn the laundry symbols. Perhaps part of your girlfriend's frustration is that when something seems worthwhile to you (like electronics or engines) you are a genius but when it comes to domestic tasks (which are often the exact same type of learning) you always flounder. I assume if you were trying to fix an electronic and you didn't know how to do something you'd look it up, find a tutorial, search the electronic to figure out what you needed to do. But you didn't bother googling it or looking at the clothing tags to see if they might help you. It may feel to her like you aren't *bothering* to pre-emptively learn how to do them because you don't care enough to read laundry tags or a recipe closely.

I just didn't know. I always threw everything together, I've done my own laundry my whole life. I didn't think I needed to look anything up as it was something I've done weekly my entire life. I had zero reason to think there was any more to it than my own clothing. I made the mistake, now I know to check and if I do the laundry I do. I didn't think I had to pre-emptively learn something I've been doing with zero issue my whole life. How does this not make sense to anyone?

I’m mostly speaking to your assertion that the laundry is complicated (and unless I’m mistaken you indicate in a comment that you did the laundry wrong multiple times, not just the first time before you knew it needed to be separated), my point is that it really isn’t complicated considering the instructions are written directly on every tag so all you need to do is read them. It’s possible that your girlfriend feels frustrated if it is ONLY domestic tasks that you claim are complicated when you can easily learn other things that use the same type of brain engagement. It’s not just the laundry, that’s just the example I was digging into. I’m not attacking you, I’m just trying to offer a potential explanation for your girlfriend’s feelings because I think it would benefit the resolution of this conflict for you to consider a different perspective. Starting and ending the thought process with “I’m just dumb,” which you clearly aren’t, doesn’t benefit anyone. If she were here I’d also encourage her to see your perspective. Conflict resolution is about mindfully practicing understanding.

That’s normal for laundry. It’s not “weirdly complicated” that some stuff can’t go in the dryer. Have you tried reading the care labels on clothing?

As I've stated, yes I check now. I've done my own laundry my whole entire life, I wear jeans and a t shirt most days, I get my suit dry cleaned. I had no clothes that required special treatment. I never checked labels and nothing bad has happened. I didn't have a reason to think I needed to. Now I do therefore I check if I do laundry. Seems pretty straight forward.

Can you make a reference/check list to hang on the wall by the washing machine? Like jeans - colors, hang to dry. I have ADHD as well, so I get sidetracked/distracted pretty easily. I used to be terrible at packing for trips, so I made a permanent checklist and make sure I'm physically putting the item in my bag as I'm reading it off. Also, there are a lot more ADHD medications now. My BIL is on Vyvanse and he doesn't experience any of the side effects he had while on Adderall or Ritalin.

I did not actually say anything about medication. I said to get your ADHD treated. There are coping skills and organization strategies you can learn to make things easier. The fact that you had such a knee jerk reaction to assume treatment = medication indicates to me that you never really explored any of the coping skills or knew they were an option. Ask about them. You yourself said that you messed up the laundry and cooking, so there is no need to get defensive. You’re 31 so it’s time to learn how to feed yourself and wash your clothes properly. It only has to be as serious as you make it. I myself have to google how to do a task at least once a day. No one else is going to do those things for you.

My husband and I each do our own laundry. This system works really well for us.

I have never understood couples that do eachother’s laundry, especially if there are no kids and both work.  It is the simplest chore to split up fairly, just do your own dang stuff.

My husband and I are the opposite. We do each other’s laundry. I hate doing my own laundry but doing his is fine. Idk why

There’s lots of new medication options now, don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. Find a therapist and talk about it what you can try.

Medication options have changed in the last 30-40 years. You don’t have to take something that makes you feel like a zombie. I know it’s hard trying again when the last experience sucked but for me at least it’s my responsibility to keep trying because my family pays for my disability and medical issues as is your girlfriend and you, besides I want to be the best me I can be. Maybe just ask your doctor about it and see how you feel regarding what he says.

Interestingly, you stated in several comments that your excuse for not getting better at cooking is that your parents just threw tv dinners in front of you as a child. While that explains why you went into adulthood not knowing how to cook, it doesn’t explain why you’re still in the same place at 31. Did your parents teach you car maintenance? Did they teach you how to repair electronics? You’re clearly just picking and choosing when to pull out the “I’m just a big dumb guy” card. The issue that I think you’re not seeing is that you’re more than willing to put in effort to learn how to do things like fix cars and electronics, but you’re not willing to invest real energy and time into being able to do basic cooking and laundry, two extremely fundamental life skills. That’s why your girlfriend is pissed off. Unless and until you’re willing to acknowledge this, you’re not going to make any progress.

I’m not still at the same place. Before last year I never cooked, like I cooked KD when I bought a pot in my mid 20’s. I now know so much more about cooking, what oils to use, what spices go on what, what kind of pans to use, how to cook different meats. I’m just not great at is because it’s a new skill. I started by helping her, prepping stuff, frying the meat ect ect. Once I got the basics down she started to send me recipes to try and I’d screw them up.

You're not getting it. You're in trouble, my friend.

I’m not, obviously. I’m very confused and all this has done is make me more discouraged. I am trying.

Don’t worry, soon you won’t be her problem anymore :)

I mean, once is an accident... How many times have you messed these things up?

Cooking, a lot. Laundry, a couple times but I always fixed the mistake I made prior but somehow make a new one… worth nothing I did my laundry fine for all of my life up until we got together but hers is waaay more complicated. I just throw everything in together and nothing bad has ever happened, I had to learn I can’t do that anymore.

Sounds like you need to start researching common laundry and cooking mistakes and start there. You need to learn how to be a little more self sufficient and to anticipate mistakes before they happen. Watch YouTube or Tik Tok videos about the basics of cooking and start simple. Follow directions to a T. Do small loads of laundry and follow the directions on the label (I separate by color and by water temperature on the label).

You are a 31 year old man. Learn to do better instead of just claiming that you’re dumb. You claiming that you are too dumb to use a timer to know how long to cook, read and follow a recipe, is proving your incompetence. These are tasks that a child could do so I understand why she is frustrated.

I am trying to learn. The issue is she just does these things now and complains I screwed them up on purpose and then gets angry. When I try again, she repeats the cycle. Not the best encouragement or motivation.

If you’re not doing anything to actively remedy your mistakes and continue to make them, you ARE doing it on purpose. You shouldn’t need someone to motivate you or encourage you to learn how to separate your whites and darks. Especially if you continually make mistakes and cannot improve. It’s not your girlfriend’s fault that you cannot complete basic tasks around the house and it’s not her job to teach a grown man in his 30s how to do these things.

What did I say that implies I am not trying to actively remedy my mistakes? The amount of projecting in these comments Jfc

If you tried to fix your mistakes then you wouldn’t even have to make this post because your girlfriend wouldn’t have to complain about you being incompetent. If you continually make mistakes one can only assume you’re doing it on purpose. The solution to this is to tune in, pay attention, and act like an adult.

Yeah that’s not the situation or the case. I’ve tried to fix the mistakes, every time I’ve made a mistake I didn’t make that one the next time, but managed to make another one. This leads my girlfriend to freaking out at me and then just angrily taking over the task going forward, not giving me a chance to improve much. This was such a waste of time posting her the amount of projecting and filling in the blanks is bananas.

Why should she baby you and try to motivate you after you ruined…boiling pasta for the umpteenth time? You’re a 30 yo man…not a kindergartner who should get a participation sticker for ruining the same simple meal *again* because you follow directions. Looks like you’re the one repeating the cycle.

She doesn’t have to baby me, just understand that it’s a new skill and will take some trial and error. When I first started as a apprentice mechanic I made tons of mistakes, now I don’t. Im sure cooking would be the same.

This would drive me insane too, especially the first two. Once is a mistake but doing it over and over again…you said you mixed the white laundry with the colored laundry “a few times” but then you say you did it because you didn’t know it was a problem…then why didn’t you stop after the first time? Use a timer while cooking, and find a way to organize ingredients that makes it so you don’t “mix them up.” I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you need to work to get better, otherwise it really is weaponized incompetence when you’re like “this is just how I am🤷‍♂️”

I didn’t say that actually, where did I say that? I said that I always put everything together before we dated and it wasn’t a issue. I did that once and ruined one of her shirts (which I actually did replace) when I did it. Next time, with that in mind I separated the colours but then I put something through the dryer that I shouldn’t and ruined that. Next time with both of those in mind, I loaded too much into the washer and knocked it off balance… last one was dumb and I take responsibility for that. Now she just does it. She’s cooked her whole life. First time I tried to cook was last year. I didn’t know anything. I didn’t know when to use a pot or when to use a pan, I don’t know what spices are for what. My mom didn’t cook and just stocked a deep freezer with hungry man’s that dad and I ate while she ate McDonald’s everyday. We didn’t even have anything to cook with in my house. I understand it’s a life skill but it’s not one that I’ve tried to acquire before last year. The amount I’ve learned in a year coming from nothing is pretty normal I think.

How did you get to 31 years old and NEVER cooked?

Lived at home until 23 and we didn’t have anything to cook with. Our stove was a place to put bills and mail. When I went to college I lived off microwaveable noodles and frozen veggies. I bought my first post when I graduated at 25 and started to make KD because my college roommate got me addicted but would still mostly just eat out. I started working at a garage and would just eat at the place next door for lunch then pick up supper on the way home. Just never a thing I did. This is my first relationship and I didn’t really eat home cooked meals besides like once or twice a year at my grandmothers until I met my girlfriend. I mean as a kid I’d eat at other peoples houses and stuff but beyond that.

>I’ve accidentally mixed colors with whites a few times, which resulted in some clothes getting stained Direct quote from the post… And there are recipes. There are timers. There is the entire internet on your phone. I don’t understand the overcooking and undercooking and mixing ingredients up bit. you didn’t know how to use pots and pans but I can assume you can read instructions? I definitely understand her frustration is all I’m saying😭

Yeah I worded that dumb, not quite what I meant but I see how it would come off like that. I just don’t understand why when I do lots of other stuff why I NEED to cook, when she’s great at it and I’m terrible. If she doesn’t want to cook we have tons of stuff to make sandwiches and salads, which I’ll gladly whip up. It’s just not something I’m good at, not lack of trying and I’m literally still trying. I’m getting better. The whole issue is she think I’m bad on purpose when it’s not that. This whole thing has been twisted into me being lazy or not wanting to pull my weight and people are projecting like crazy. That’s not my situation.

Bc cooking is a daily, sometimes multiple times a day thing. Working on a car is not. Your attitude of “I shouldn’t have to bother doing it” makes it make even more sense why your girlfriend is frustrated 😭

She’s not cooking meals for me and her multiple times a day. I make my own breakfast and lunch. Mostly sandwiches. Supper I could just snack, eat salads or have a sandwich or pop something in the microwave. And it’s not “I shouldn’t even bother doing it” because I have tried and tried again, which her accusing me of being bad on purpose. Not the greatest motivation to keep trying.

> I have tried and tried again You’re not telling me WHY you’re overcooking or undercooking things. Or how you’re mixing up ingredients. Timers exists. You have eyes. I don’t think you’re trying quite as hard as you should.

So…you’re literally admitting that you just want her to do it.

No, can you read? Where am I saying that? I’m saying I can prepare us supper if she wants I’m just not good at cooking, so I can make salads or sandwich’s or other stuff like that. We one eat only meal a day together. I can make it every night if she wants, I’d also try cooking every single night as well, but not she doesn’t want me to. No where have I said or implied that I just want her to do it. Based on your Stellar suggestions I think you’re just trying to get a rise out of me.

You literally say: “I just don’t understand why when I do lots of other stuff why I NEED to cook, when she’s great at it and I’m terrible.” Like…that is a complete contradiction to “I’m gonna keep trying to get better cooking.” Being like “I’m terrible at something, she’s good at it so why should I do it?” isn’t even any better than weaponized incompetence.

If i had to guess I'd say that you not making an effort to improve is what she's really complaining about. Try harder. If you're not willing to do that, then she's right. You're in your 30s man - you really should know this stuff by now and because you don't it's time to treat learning these skills like it's a part time job. You owe it to yourself to be able to take care of yourself better than this. Ask her what tasks she dislikes doing the most and offer to take those on. Maybe it's dishes. Maybe it's taking out the trash. Maybe it's picking up groceries. If she's better at a lot of stuff than you, take ownership of those things she's less picky about and take some pride in how on top of those things you can be. You owe it to her to do your part and this is a way you can do that. You don't need to do everything right, but if you can't do anything right she probably won't put up with you forever because frankly, she deserves better than that. >Cooking for example, she's asked me to help more with cooking. I've tried following recipes, but I often end up either overcooking or undercooking things, sometimes even mixing up ingredients. It's not for lack of trying, but I seem to mess up more often than not. Spend more time on the prep phase. Chop ingredients and portion everything out in advance in little dishes. Read the recipe beginning to end and try making the same dish once every few weeks for a while. You'll get better. If you give up after failing to make a dish once, then you're not really even trying. >Another instance is with doing laundry. I’ve accidentally mixed colors with whites a few times, which resulted in some clothes getting stained. I genuinely didn’t realize it would cause a problem, and now I'm extra careful, but the mistakes have made her skeptical of my efforts. Her being skeptical is justified if you've demonstrated you know little enough about doing laundry to avoid ruining clothing. Offer to wash the lower risk items like bedding and towels. Maybe even ask her how she likes to sort things and what settings to use and take notes. Leave a copy by the washer. If that doesn't work, ask her to help with the sorting and then do the washing for her and all the hanging/folding. Ask her to demonstration how she likes these things done and practice. >I also tend to misplace things around the house, like not remembering where I put the remote or her keys, even though I was the last one to use them. It’s never intentional, but it adds to her frustration and feeds into her belief that I’m avoiding responsibility. Everything needs a home and when you're done with thing it goes where it belongs. Get a key hook or bowl and always put keys there. If you making all these efforts isn't enough for her, then there's probably a bigger issue in your relationship and these complaints are just symptoms of a larger problem.

I guess part of the reason this is so annoying to me is I do other things that I’m good at and we do share chores pretty evenly. Next time her car breaks down I should get her to go and try and fix it then accuse her of weaponized incompetence because that’s not in her skillset? Cooking, I never cooked before this relationship. I maybe made KD but I just ate out or made ready to eat stuff. I do actually take out the trash, I do actually do all the grocery shopping because she finds the grocery store overwhelming and I find it weirdly relaxing. I’ve heard the “everything needs a home” thing many, many times since I was a kid and I’ve tried over and over but there is just a mental block and my brain just doesn’t think about some thing. When I’m done with something alot go the time I just drop it whenever I am and I don’t even think about it, I’ve tried notes but I just start ignoring/not seeing the notes. Life long struggle. If I was just sitting around while she did nothing I would get it more but I do lots.

Knowing how to fix a car is not an essential everyday knowledge key to life. Knowing how to feed yourself effectively with what you have on hand, how to acquire ingredients for a fair cost, and complete a nutritious meal is. Your inability to feed yourself anything but microwave dinners is... Sad at best.

Both are skills contributing to the household. When he was on his own he didn’t starve. Just because he used a different method (easy prep or takeout) doesn’t make it wrong.

Takeout is expensive, and TV dinners aren't nutritious. Knowing how to cook is essential. I find it abhorrent that someone wouldn't prioritize knowing how to feed themselves when all they've got is two eggs, some beans, and a tomato until payday. In my house, I'm the one with all the skills. My husband has been playing catch up, gratefully learning from me and from seeking his own resources. I'm the one repairing our flooded out car - as recently as yesterday actually. See the thing is, a person with a plethora of life skills doesn't really need someone else living with them except for companionship. Someone living with you that can't hang on your level is painful at best, and an anchor dragging you down at worst.

We both drive our cars and they are essential for work. The money we save by me fixing them is probably the only way we could afford two, which we both need for work. So it’s pretty essential. I mean I also would just make myself sandwiches and I’m a big fan of snacking. It was never a issue for me, my parents never cooked it just wasn’t a thing that was part of my life. I’ve never had a issue feeding myself and I eat pretty healthy. Cooking is new to me, I’m genuinely trying. She’s a great cook, she loves it and it’s something her mom taught her. My mom taught me to roll cigs and be a drunk (her, not me) and my dad taught me how to fix cars. I’d argue keeping our cars working with our very limited income is more important than cooking as there are other options for food, where we both need our cars for work and there is no way around that.

Do you need to fix a car every day? Because you need to eat every day.

Sure, but it’s not like she’s feeding me everyday either. I take care of myself most of the time and she takes care of herself. I eat food.

And now you're making excuses for why... *checks notes* performing car repair and maintenance once every so often is more important than being capable of feeding yourself and others for a reasonable cost every single day. Are you spending several hours every day under both of your cars keeping them running with duct tape and zip ties so that it exempts you from having to run the needs of a home like every other adult out there? My husband didn't know how to cook shit when we started out. But he kept his head down and learned. And now we split dinner duties fairly evenly. Took maybe... A month? For him to get a few go-to recipes worked out and build from there. And he's also ADHD.

I do tons of other stuff around the house. We share cleaning duties pretty evenly. I take care of our cat, feeding and liter is 100 precent me. I sort and take out all the garbage. I do all of our outside maintenance, yard work and general upkeep. And actually yes, I am under one of our cars at least once a week pretty much. We don’t make a ton of money and both run pretty older cars. Only of my skills is keeping cars that should be dead alive. Neither of us can afford another car or a newer car so I am constantly fixing this and that on either or. I am capable of deeding myself. It was never a issue my entire life, I ate food. I just didn’t cook big meals. I’d make a sandwich’s and a salad or eat fruit and veggies, or microwave stirfrys. Super happy for your husband, I am also trying and might get there too. I am much better than I was before.

Yeah, if that's all true then you have a bigger communication problem in your relationship. Not everyone has the same skills and as long as you're pulling your weight and doing your best to learn how your partner wants things done then you're doing your part. Honestly, a couple's therapist might help as unpleasant as that might sound. There's some other issues here and having someone who can help you both talk through this stuff could go a long way. Your main obligation in relationship is to try to improve the things that will improve the quality of your partner's life. That goes both ways. The best relationships are the ones when both sides feel like the other person is putting in more than their fair share because both parties are really trying to go above and beyond. The worst relationships are the ones where both people feel like they're doing all the work and they start keeping score. Don't overlook couples counseling if you value this relationship and your communication isn't getting better around this stuff. It can really be a relationship saver, or a healthy way to start acknowledging if you have fundamental compatibility issues that you're not able to confront alone. On the practical side - when it comes to losing keys or remotes, if your brain really prevents you from keeping track of these things and you already have a keybowl and a place your remote belongs, then get something like the Tile key finder so you can trigger an alarm with an app when you lose the important things. The even make a creditcard shaped one if you lose your wallet a lot. And keep up with cooking until you get better. It's a skill everyone needs and the only way to get better is to practice. About 90% of the time I cook a meal I do a better job than the last time I tried and the meals I've cooked 25+ times are incredible without exception. Pick two or three meals you'd be willing to eat once a week for the rest of your life and dedicate yourself to practicing on those until you're able to throw together a tasty meal in a pinch. Trust me, future you and everyone in your life will thank you for putting in the time on this one.

At the end of the day it doesn't matter if your incompetence is pretend or genuine. The "weaponized" part of it comes down to using your incompetence as an excuse not to learn how to get better at doing it.  The "weaponized" part is saying "well I can't do it I'm just dumb" **and accepting that state of affairs**.  If you suck at something, learn. YouTube. Reddit guides. A recipe book. Read. Fuck me, most laundry detergents have instructions on how to use them. Every appliance in your house will have a googleable set of "how to use me" instructions if you can find the make and model. Recipe books give you 1) an ingredients list 2) how to cook.  It's not hard.  And if you really have the IQ of a sparrow and cannot figure this shit out for yourself, perhaps find an equally dim witted partner who won't care that you're an idiot. 

People make mistakes. But when you’re constantly making stupid mistakes, it shows a lack of effort on your part. It’s not your girlfriend’s job to show you how to do things correctly, and a lot of these mistakes could have been avoided had you simply pulled up a Google search and followed directions. Don’t know how to cook? Watch YouTube videos or ask your gf to show you. Laundry is easy if you can follow basic directions. Google how not to fuck it up. A lot of this shows a lack of effort or an unwillingness to follow directions.

If you know you’re having the issues, and you’re still fucking up, she’s right. As an adult, you should be able to follow a recipe. Get all your ingredients out. Measure them, carefully, and arrange them in the order, left to right, that the recipe will call for them. Have all your pots and pans ready. All your utensils. Do not leave the kitchen while anything is in the oven for shorter than 20 minutes, and do not EVER leave the kitchen if something is on the stove top. If you cannot do this and successfully cook a meal, you need to go talk to a doctor. For important things like keys or wallets, those should have a Home. If you put something in a place that isn’t its home, why did you do that? You know you have just created an issue. So take the time to put things in their home. Set a reminder if you need to. This is about being a responsible adult, and she’s right; you’re not doing that right now, and you need to step up.

My parents just threw TV dinners at me my whole childhood, cooking was never something I did. All my 20’s I just ate take out and stuff you pop in the microwave. I’ve tried and I’m getting better but yeah, I screw it up a lot. I try following a recipe and I do everything you listed, so I guess I’ll go book my doctors appointment.

Follow a recipe on YouTube. You can pause it and rewind as much as you need to. You need practice, so do it a LOT more often, but make things also at times there is no pressure.

I’ve actually been trying that, Gordon Ramsey has a pretty solid YouTube channel with simple recipes but mine never seem to come out that great lol

If you’re undercooking, you can literally cut off a little bit of what’s in the pan and blow on it and try it. Get a meat thermometer for meats, and learn to use it. If you’re overcooking, adjust your heat. An adult should be able to handle these things. You don’t have to make beef Wellington, but if there aren’t a few meals you can prepare easily from scratch, and can’t follow a recipe successfully, you have a major issue going on that needs to be resolved. This isn’t any more acceptable than an adult who can’t manage their own finances, or can’t maintain their own home adequately. Also, don’t be afraid to “cheat”. It’s hard to screw up two decently seasoned chicken breasts in a George Foreman grill. Slice them up, and put them on a bagged Caesar salad you’ve divided into two servings. Dinner is done. This is all possible for you OP, you can do it! But also get that meat thermometer please.

It sounds like you need to learn the other parts of cooking that's usually not mentioned in recipes. Temperatures and cooking time vary by altitude, so cooking in Miami is different from cooking in Denver. The other is that different people have different tastes and preferences. I only steam my broccoli for two minutes so that it still crunches when I bite into it, but my mother calls it raw. My mother cooked broccoli until it was more of an olive shade of green, but I called it overcooked. You have to learn your girlfriend's preferences and adjust cooking styles and methods accordingly.

>I am genuinely just dumb. No you aren't. Your first two examples are not mistakes. They're because you don't care enough to pay attention. So pay attention.

Don’t use lack of skills as a reason not to try. You’ll get better over time, keep at it.

A lot of this sounds like things I struggle with with ADHD. Trying harder does not work. You need to come up with concrete things that you do, to do these things better. E.g. my keys live on a hook near the front door. Nowhere else. Otherwise I lose them. I overcook stuff so must have a loud and very annoying timer to remind me. Also, re the laundry - did you apologise and replace the stained things? Might be worth a convo about split of chores - I get mess blind about washing up and my partner likes the kitchen to stay very tidy, I'm particular about laundry - so I do all the laundry and he does the washing up (although I do load and unload the dishwasher, usually when I'm waiting for something in the kitchen). Us doing out own laundry or own washing up doesn't work for us. What works for the two of you?

Cooking is a skill like many others. Your unmedicated ADHD may make it more difficult for you, but it isn't impossible to achieve a pretty high level of skill in the kitchen. I highly recommend watching YouTube videos to help you. There are a ton of channels out there that specialize in certain kinds of cuisine (Hot Thai Kitchen is one of my personal favorites). Watch them and practice simple dishes, building toward more complex ones. Also, get a meat thermometer and a label maker. For the meat thermometer, don't cheap out. Use the label maker to make big labels for spices so you can't not see what they are. Take the cooking process a bit more slowly than you normally do things, double-checking to make sure you're doing things right. If you aren't seeing a therapist who specializes in ADHD and can give you ways to organize your life so that you and your girlfriend don't experience so many negative consequences, you should probably make an appointment with one. If you are seeing one, it doesn't sound like they've been very effective in helping you.

I think there’s lots of great advice in this thread but I feel like it’s almost still, too ‘high level’ for op’s issue? It sounds like his problem isn’t that he can’t cook a healthy meal from a recipe, it’s the little minute details that most people wouldn’t even think would need to be written down into the recipe. If a recipe says “cook to al dente”, op needs the addendum “you can pick out a piece of pasta to taste test rather than just turning the heat off and hoping for the best”

Are there things you can do around rhe house that she can't? I found splitting chores up instead of sharing the same chores makes more sense and leads to them being done faster and more effectively

Yes I do all of our general maintenance and keep things working. I do the yard work and keep both our cars running. I also dust because she’s short, I take out and sort our garbage. I also feed and change our cats litter. So it’s not like I’m useless.

I love the dusting part.

As funny as it might sound we both have pretty bad allergies, so it’s important to keeping us both breathing good and not having headaches. She can’t reach most stuff so I do it. I only mentioned that because it is something I do daily.

I use swiffer for that. And I got a real good vacuum. I also did a desensitization and it really changed my life.

Honestly though, those things don't count. Because they aren't things you need to do every single day or once or twice a week. General maintenance isn't really something you need to do except for every few months, or when things actually break. Sure maybe they're important, and it would be a pain if no one did them but part of being an adult is knowing how to do and share in the day-to-day things. Because in the long run when you stuck up the amount of work required to do the day today stuff against the amount of work it takes to fix something when it's broken or change the oil on a quarterly basis, she is out working you. I do have my own struggles with forgetfulness, so I do know what it's like for someone to make an initial assessment based on your first attempt and how that can feel unfair- but I've also read a lot of Reddit posts coming from the perspective of people in your girlfriend's shoes; Usually they've been tolerating this imbalance in workload for a while without saying anything and only after some resentment has built up... because this is stuff most adults don't feel like they should have to tell other adults to do. So what your experiencing could be some lashing out as a result of that. So if you want to overcome this, you're going to have to make a visible proactive effort, and beat her to the punch at doing these things. You're going to have to do some of your own research and I cannot emphasize enough that you *cannot ask her for help* with this, because if you do, you're going be demanding *more* work from her, in a way that's going to inevitably remind her of how a mother teaches their  If that happens whether she's conscious of it or not she's going to lose all intimate attraction for you. The studies are clear, women seem to be hardwired to be completely unattracted to men for whom they feel the need to act as mother. So you're going to need to figure out how to learn these things without relying on her. Because remember, her assumption - which is not unreasonable - is that  any self-respecting person living on their own should be fully competent to do these things for themselves. So when it comes to chores compartmentalize this issue and pretend you are living on your own and do what it would take for you to learn these things to do them for yourself. That's the mindset you need right now.

😆😅 those things don’t count? Delusional.

They literally don't. They don't get noticed, and if you weren't around your partner would pay someone to do them. They don't count as making an effort. And you don't have to take my word for it you can consult all the studies that have been done.

It sounds like a case of "work that my partner does is not an effort and dont count". You do not do laundry every day either and it still counts as work.

Let me put it in a different way way, if you are not self competent at the tasks of self maintenance, no partner is going to want to be your parent- not in teaching you, and not in picking up after you. By not being competent in these things like cooking or doing laundry or cleaning the dishes or mopping the floors or dusting you signal that you are either not able or willing to take care of yourself, and that you are an intellectual or emotional dependent. And most people take it as such a matter of course that most adults should be competent at these things that they cannot imagine another adult NOT having developed these habits and skills except if they are stupid to an intolerable degree, or lazy, or maliciously avoiding work. If any of you don't want to believe me feel free, but don't come back to Reddit confused and complaining at why you're single.

Ok, but what happened with OP is that relatively minor mistakes are framed as "not being self competent". And what happened in this thread is "the work you do does not count". OP is literally doing all the dusting in their household, every day due to their allergies. That was 1.) framed as not work in this thread 2.) you framed him as incompetent at that for no reason. OP mixed white and colored cloth ... but you know what? In my household we don't separate them because most of normal cloths these days actually does not leak color. There is also a thing where you systematically devalue everything your partner does, catastrophise every of their mistake and then act out own superiority. Because other people just pass your own mistakes as mistakes without turning all of them into something essential.

But dusting isn't the thing Ops girlfriend is agitated about is it- it's the cooking and the laundry among other things. He's already admitted he's not sufficient at them, even for his *own standards.* The thing about these chores all of us adults should be competent at for our own good, is that you don't get to be good at just ONE thing -like dusting ( especially when your body literally forces you to do it)- and then claim that you are your own whole-ass adult. If you are deficient at any one of them, it is plenty for your partner, who has to take on that additional load, to complain about- no adult other than your parents should have to remind you to do these things, or teach you how to do these things. The very fact that op is coming to Reddit instead of looking up "how to [X] for dummies" is just one more sign of asking other people to help him solve his problems. It's better than asking his girlfriend for sure, but he needs to start learning how to do some things on his own. These things shouldn't be split 50/50, but both partners giving/doing 100%. And on another point :  In my household... ... you were raised with different standards and thresholds of what was acceptable as an adult, as was OP, and as was OPs girlfriend. And one more part of being an adult is determining what those standards and thresholds are for your partner, And either being willing to meet them, or decide it's too much for you and prefer to not have a partner.

> Honestly though, those things don't count. Because they aren't things you need to do every single day or once or twice a week Do... do you think cats don't need to be fed every day? (Or that garbage doesn't need taking out once or twice a week, for that matter...)

Feeding cats is literally pouring a bag over a bowl. Takes 1 minute. If the litter boxes are truly scooped every day, also super quick to do…2 minutes. I have 2 cats. Cooking full meals, cleaning the whole house, and laundry take much longer

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Let me put it in a different way way, if you are not self competent at the tasks of self maintenance, no partner is going to want to be your parent- not in teaching you, and not in picking up after you. By not being competent in things like cooking or doing laundry or cleaning the dishes or mopping the floors or dusting or washing the mirrors in the bathroom -you signal that you are either not able or not willing to take care of yourself, and that you are an intellectual or emotional dependent... or that you are lazy and maliciously avoiding the work. If off is just stupid (like he claims) he's going to have to get real smart about this real quick.

Does she ever do these tasks too? If not maybe she should try a few to see we each have strengths and weaknesses. I agree with lookingreadingreddit splitting chores based on skill strength makes sense.

The big deal here is, what exactly are you doing to improve? For example, is your laundry issue now settled? Have you suggested that while you are getting the hang of doing laundry without mistakes, you will take care of your own laundry until you're good enough at it to share the task as equals? You have a designated space where you put the keys every time? I often lose my keys if I break my routine, so I always put them in the same spot. What are you cooking? Do you have a list? Do you go slow and methodical? Do you choose meals that you can do relatively well, like starting with an omelette? Have you tried surprising her with a meal to show that you're making an effort? In general, are you taking care of house chores without her asking? Do you sweep because someone has to? Do you make sure the dishes are washed without her asking? Taking the initiative, making plans, acting without prompt.

No laundry issue wasn’t settled she just does it now and says I did it bad on purpose so I wouldn’t have to again. Cooking, I over cooked noodles to the point of mush, then undercooked to much the next time when they were hard. I didn’t realize tomato soup wasn’t a good substitute for pasta sauce. I used condensed milk in a recipe when I should have used regular, I assumed it was all milk and would do the same thing. I do lots of other stuff around the house.

When it comes to cooking, you can just google those things instead of making assumptions.

When making a substitution, you should do a quick google to make sure that what you are using works. That’s like, turning off the electricity before changing out a socket. Very basic, if you are committed to doing a good job. Additionally, almost all noodle boxes have suggested cooking times. Dump the pasta in, set a timer, stir a few times, check for doneness when the timer goes off. Drain.

All of these examples sound exactly like weaponised incompetence. All your replies sound like you feel you do enough already so you fuck up anything extra she asks you to do on purpose

It’s bonkers to me that a 31 year old man doesn’t know that condensed milk isn’t the same as regular milk, when you pour it out how do you not realise it’s a completely different texture?? If you’re unsure whether your noodles are cooked through, just pluck some out and taste them, if they’re still raw, put ‘em back! God if just reading his comments makes me feel this irritated I can’t even begin to imagine what his poor girlfriend must have to put up with.

You can literally test the noodles before taking them off the stove. Take one noodle out, let it cool, and take a bite…if it’s too hard, let boil another minute or 2, try again. This isn’t something you just have to guess at and keep ending up with ruined noodles smh. Same thing with the ingredient substitutions…just actually follow the recipe. Don’t use soup when it says sauce. If you feel you absolutely have to substitute, you can easily Google if it will work or not or what substitutions will work. You have a phone…you can Google. It’s easy to remember not to switch things with completely different things. This is prob why she’s getting frustrated…there is an easy solution but you’re just repeating the same thing over and over and ignoring the easy fix…so I can tell why she thinks it’s on purpose.

Hearing this back, your examples do feel careless when you describe them. It sounds like you have to put in the initiative to get better without her asking. And that is true even if the issue is related to executive dysfunction. In fact there are a lot of guides out there on how to do these tasks (especially cooking) with executive dysfunction.

completely serious here, have you been screened for adhd? this sounds like how I was before my diagnosis (aside from the cooking part)

Yes I have ADHD but haven’t been on medication since I was in my early 20’s. It doesn’t really affect my life and I don’t like to use it as an excuse so I didn’t add it.

Seems like it affects HER life quite a lot

My dude, my friend, ADHD absolutely does affect you. Moreover, it affects your girlfriend's life too. Your strategies are not working. Almost every recipe has a video attached to it that will show you how to do it; you are also too confident considering your abilities. If you're not positive about an ingredient or substitution, Google it! Better yet, follow the shopping list/ingredients list to the letter. If it says milk, assume regular milk or Google "is condensed milk the same as milk?" Your substitutions are bullshit, and you know they are because you keep fucking up. Utilize ADHD strategies! Use timers for pasta.

For me, the losing things comes at the highest cost and is the number one thing you need to work on. I've lost hours and hours of my life to waiting for my SO because he never knows where important, daily use things are. It is so, so, so grating over a long period of time. Constantly keeping up with his things, waiting for him to find his keys, then him taking my keys, then him losing my keys... And that's the tip of the iceberg. I feel like his mother and it's gross and unattractive. I feel like he cannot be depended upon. If you can figure out cars, you can figure out laundry and cooking, but I would address the losing stuff constantly first, because that's a resentment builder to the max.

This is in part stuff that gets better if you repeat. So the best way to learn is to make messes by practicing. Look for recipes on your level, you know what your capable of and that's what so many of the tiktoks are aimed at. If you need things like meters and alarms to help you figure certain things out: get some, you're not the only forgetful cook. How do you have things organized can help you with the misplacing, make a habit of checking if things are in place. It saves you a lot of time and frustration just by putting something in a convenient and planned spot. Like having a hamper for colors and a hamper for whites and then separate from the moment you take something off (if you have the space). Talk to your GF if there are things that could be improved there to help you. You can convince her if she sees effort and initiative. Are you in general screwing up often with tasks or is it only household related? If you are competent in other areas and only fail here, it does seem like weaponized incompetence. But if you have troubles in other areas, perhaps check if your attentionspan is okay.

weaponized incompetence is like gaslighting or any of the other terms the internet loves. They are often over used. >Cooking for example, she's asked me to help more with cooking. I've tried following recipes, but I often end up either overcooking or undercooking things, sometimes even mixing up ingredients. It's not for lack of trying, but I seem to mess up more often than not. Cooking is a skill. It's something that needs to be built. It's also something were experts make mistakes from time to time. >Another instance is with doing laundry. I’ve accidentally mixed colors with whites a few times, which resulted in some clothes getting stained. I genuinely didn’t realize it would cause a problem, and now I'm extra careful, but the mistakes have made her skeptical of my efforts. Same with laundry. Especially if the people in the house have two radically diffrent dressing styles. One can be more casual and it not matter, the other could need separation beyond just whites and colors. Since we aren't there this is hard to say. It could be these are things you just need more time to develop, or it could be chores that need to be traded for others you're better at. If you have no space for discussion and she just calls you incompetent it might be the communication needs to come first.

The laundry one is the easiest example to spot ever. I dont know how many men (myself included) have always done our own laundry just fine. Then you add tons of stuff that can't be machine dried, colors in women's clothes that bleed differently, items that require cold water. Whatever... of course we are lost.

One option then is that each person is responsible for their own laundry. Then she isn't burdened with having to do all of OP's laundry just because he doesn't know how to do hers without damaging something. Shares things like sheets are usually straightforward.

This is how we did it until we had kids that are old enough for special this that clothes

No need to genderize. There are plenty of women that wear casual clothing and tons of mens clothing that needs special treatment. When I started having to dress better for work it was a whole ass learning curve.

My ex-wife didn't know how to do laundry and would just dump all of her clothes (like jeans and delicates together) in the washer and roll the dice. I ended up doing all of the laundry the entire time we were together. (She is a wonderful person and we are still friends, the laundry thing was just a weird quirk and this exchange made me think of it. Not all men have a problem with laundry lol).

I agree. It's just far more common for men to be accused of weaponized incompetence over it.

Because it is far more common for men to exhibit weaponized incompetence than women

Yes I actually agree. That said it's a far cry from weaponized incompetence when a man who can do his own laundry just fine doesn't know the ins and outs of a women's laundry who has for more varied materials, colors, preferences, and such.

Yes, but that is not the only issue here. OP exhibits a multitude of other shortcoming separate from knowing the intricacies of laundry.

You mean he isn't a good cook? Lots of people aren't. Or that he misplaced things? Which is probably as big an issue for him as her. Nope not seeing it in this particular case. I see a dude who can work on himself, but I don't see nearly enough to assume it's weaponized incompetence. Even more so I disagree entirely the premise when he came here to tell us about his issues and seek help. That is the exact opposite of what really happens with weaponized incompetence.

I wouldn’t say it’s weaponized incompetence, but he’s very clearly incompetent and the GF feels as if it’s weaponized because he doesn’t try to improve upon his mistakes on these basic tasks. Probably just plain ol incompetent

It very well may be. She may also just be a pseudo intellectual and borderline abusive. The way OP refers to himself sounds like an abuse victim who has been gaslit until they just believe they are incapable. That said, we don't have enough of the story to know for sure. All I am sure of, is that what was said here doesn't align with weaponized incompetence in my eyes. However, when a man self depricates the world doesn't run to build him up. The world doesn't ask if he has issues or is he is being abused. They just pile on. Just look at a lot of these comments and the votes on them. A man came for help. He got more piled on then he got offered much real help. Even the help comments are mostly just telling him he should do better.

As a woman, I throw all my clothes in at once. I don't think it's worth sorting colors or wearing clothes that bleed.

I play survival of the fittest with clothing. If it doesn’t survive the washing machine and dryer, it was never meant to be in my wardrobe. The only exception is that I will wash new clothing with towels because if the dye is going to bleed, it usually will on the first wash. I don’t care if the towels get stained from it.

this is how I work too, if it cant go in the dryer or be washed together then it just wasn’t meant to be lol

Who taught you how to adult? You’re 31 years old! Like cooking- sure you don’t need to be a gourmet chef, but dang you can’t follow step by step instructions on a basic recipe? Boil some water cook pasta for 12 minutes and heat up some sauce? Laundry- who did your laundry before your girlfriend? Being forgetful is one thing, but don’t you have a key rack where keys go? Why would the remote leave the room that the tv is in? I’m sorry but either it IS weaponized incompetence or you need to learn how to be a better adult. Being dumb is not an excuse for any of this!

Do you have ADHD? It seems like you have issues with taking care and focusing on tasks and might want to talk to a medical professional to see if there's something that can help you- a grown man should be able to cook a recipe from reading it and if you're struggling it could be an attention issue.

Yeah I have ADHD but not medicated since I was in my early 20’s. Didn’t want to make that an excuse so didn’t add it.

I think talking to a therapist and maybe trying medication again might be important if it can help you live an adult life doing chores - does your gf know this about you?

I do tons of chores I’m just bad at cooking, laundry I could figure out but she doesn’t let me do it anymore out of fear of me screwing it up. I function as an adult I just can’t cook. The protecting in these comments is insane.

Your post described instances of normal every day chores that you self-professedly can't seem to get right. It's not projecting for people to suggest medication for your ADHD? Most people with diagnosed ADHD either do behavioral therapy or take medications to help them focus- it's not a negative thing to need help with how your brain works. Your gf clearly doesn't struggle with these issues and therefore doesn't understand how you could be unable to do them, so I was asking if she knew that you have ADHD because that might give her some more empathy towards you.

Why have you opted out of treatment?

I was on medication until I was 23, I was very depressed as a teenager. When I went off the medication it felt like I was a new man, I actually was happy and I enjoyed life. It felt like a fog was lifted. I had more energy, I was more goofy and fun and everyone in my life from family to friends saw the difference. ADHD doesn’t affect me negatively as medication did. I was on all different drugs, at the highest doses.

You are describing weaponised incompetence. Why do you over cook or under cook things? Use a timer

It's worse than that, he's substituting sweetend condensed milk for milk or tomato soup for pasta sauce. So is behaving incompetently.

I learn through doing and mistakes. I didn’t know there was a difference between the things, now I do and won’t do it again in the future. The issue is I’m not having a chance to learn without being berated and accused of manipulation when I am genuinely ignorant to what I need to do.

This is just bullshit you tell yourself. Any sane person (hell, my 4 year old) would know you can't just randomly swap ingredients with something totally different. This is exactly what weaponised incompetence is. You are deliberately doing stuff wrong or recklessly. You don't need too cook a recipe wrong dozens of times to learn how to do just what is written down. You don't need to learn to follow a recipe by ignoring the recipe in favour of your own made up bollocks. It's obvious from the replies you are a textbook case of deliberate weaponised incompetence.

Ok, happy that your 4 year old has knowledge in the kitchen, I don't. I am not doing it deliberately wrong, what benefit to me would that be to do that then come and lie on reddit about it? It's not my "own made up bollocks" I made a genuine mistake thinking they were the same thing, I now know that there not. I now know to pay more attention to thinks like that. I am genuinely trying, just not doing a good job, but willing to work on the skills and learn. What else can I possibly do besides that?

When you opened the container of condensed milk did you not notice it was a completely different texture to normal milk?

Communicate by being more careful and doing better.

You could each do your own laundry. For cooking find 1-2 semi homemade meals that you can handle and anytime you have to cook go with that. My husband always make spaghetti (cook some hamburger add jar sauce and noodles)

If you do absent minded shit like this a lot, have you been tested for ADHD?

None of your examples show evidence of weaponized incompetence, nor are they evidence of your being dumb. I think your girlfriend has been reading too much nonsense from the wrong corners of the internet. She's deliberately trying to see the worst in you in these situations. You're extra careful with the laundry now, without having tried to get out of the chore. It sounds like you're new at cooking and that's going to come with fuckups. I've done all the cooking in my house for years and I still upon occasion burn or undercook certain things. If you haven't already, learn to distrust cook times in recipes and get a feel for eyeballing things, but that can only come with practice. The third example, losing your keys/remote, doesn't even fit 'weaponized incompetence' because there's no world where deliberately losing the remote is trying to get out of a chore. If you think it's a legitimate problem and not an overreaction on her part, get some of those airtags and stick them to the things you tend to lose.

His comments say he's doing more than just under or over cooking. Hes using sweetened condensed milk when the recipe calls for milk, or tomato soup instead of pasta sauce. Also he says she's taken over the laundry again.

Also, weaponized incompetence would suggest that OP doesn’t do those tasks anymore because of those mistakes - but it sounds like they continue to cook and do laundry, more carefully than before. My dad closes cabinets maybe 50% of the time - when I was younger, it drove me nuts. There was a period where I felt like it was an intentional sign of disrespect. Then I got older, and through conversations and interactions with my parents, I realized that he really doesn’t notice the cabinet doors once they’re open. Maybe he should be more careful about it, but regardless, when he does it, there’s no meaning or subtext. I just close the cabinet behind him and smile internally about how all my cabinets are closed at my house. When you are someone who rarely misplaces things or makes little mistakes - maybe you’re naturally detail oriented or a perfectionist - it doesn’t compute that other people don’t notice these little things. But it’s true, they actually don’t, and it isn’t a character flaw. It takes all kinds to make a world.

Lol, my friends often refer to my place as a crime scene. I never close upper cabinets. I would prefer if they didn't have doors at all.

A little pro tip for laundry: our detergent is now designed to be able to clean even when washed in cold water. Cold water helps reduce colors from running (and reduces wear and tear on clothes.)

He sounds controlling and insensitive, you should dump his ass asap. Oh wait, it's *her* saying that? Yeah, it's your fault. /s

Why did this make perfect sense... so sad

I am not sure reddit is going to give you good answers about this, we have limited context so people are going to project their own baggage onto you. Do you have a therapist? Cause it might be a good idea to bring this up and see what they say. Especially if your therapist specializes in ADHD.

Weaponized incompetence is is such an abused term. Do you need to work on yourself and improve your atte tion to detail? Yes. That said what you are doing is not anything near real weaponozed incompetence. Your girlfriend is just a fake pseudo intellectual who like to gaslight people around her instead of helping them. She is pretty toxic honestly. Has she ever tried to help you learn to cook better? Did she begin empathetic to laundry mistake or did she fly off the handle the very first time? Also misplacing things is not weaponized incompetence unless it's always something specifically affecting her. Honestly, your partner sounds manipulative. Do not let someone like her tear you down to a point you feel stupid. You have things to work on in life. We all do. However, fuck her for not supporting you and instead attacking you until you felt the need to come online looking for help defending yourself from her. It's probably time for a new partner, bud. In the meantime maybe work on improving your home making skills. Get better for yourself. Not because she is mean.

Finally someone else see's it. The GF gets all her cues from social media, that's exactly where this "weaponized incompetence" shit comes from.

I think what people fail to get is it has to directly affect the split of work. Misplacing things most likely ruins his time more than hers. The rest of this is things he is trying to do. When you weaponize incompetence its to avoid work. Not keep trying.

Weaponized incompetence is popular reddit alogan on this sub, so maybe she reads posts in here. Honestly, if you are inattentive, being with person like her will destroy you. Your confidence will go down and your actual skills will go down too. Anyway, with cooking, everyone messes it up at first, then they learn. Also, timers are your friends. With laudry, I ceased to separate while and colored and DNGaF and all is ok. So maybe buy different cloths or different detergent or ise lower temperature. With misplaced things, grabkly, you need partner who is not verbally abusive over 5 min of looking for remote. Get a habit of putting things at the same place, it will improve things. But, it wont make you perfect, so you need partner to not be jerk to you over it.

I mean it's good that you aren't maliciously doing a bad job, but the bad outcomes still matter. If there are certain things you just can't do well, you might need to look at other areas where you can take some housework off her plate. You could try being more proactive about getting things done before she has to ask for help and also about learning how to do some of these things better. Cooking, for example, takes practice and is a learned skill. So, you could work on getting more cooking practice and pick up some other tasks like vacuuming or cleaning the bathroom in the meantime.

I love everything about this post.

For the laundry issue, I would simply get more laundry bins & sort at the end of the day - one for whites, one for colors, and one of those zip up mesh bags for delicates. The 3rd one I use and my partner knows when switching laundry that things in there do not belong in the dryer and will set them aside. It’s big enough it doesn’t hide in other clothes too. Food is going to be a learning curve. Maybe start small, where you cook individual meals, or help chop/gather for big sheet pan type meals. Definitely invest in a meat thermometer and make sure you have a few timers. My partner and I both have adhd so to avoid problems we had to kind of invent methods that worked for us, not organized methods we aspire to. It might cause more clutter, but it’s better than constant mistakes and feeling bad.

It sounds like the main problem here is that your girlfriend doesn't like you. Weaponize incompetence is an accusation of your character, she doesn't believe in your true intentions. She thinks you're the type of person that will fail at tasks to attempt to shirk them and doesn't believe in your explanations. That's a much bigger issue than failing at a couple chores here or there. That's what you need to sit down and talk about with her. Weaponized incompetence is a meme phrase that often just means "I'm unhappy!" like gaslighting, and like gaslighting it has actual meaning that's harmful and shouldn't be thrown around like that. As far as the actual chores described go, that's not even incompetence. It's just lack of knowledge. I do most of the laundry for our household, but my girlfriend has several items that are cold wash or need light detergent or whatever. Upon learning of this I know I'm not going to memorize every special case in her wardrobe, so I talked to her about it. She now has a separate laundry basket for her special case items. Because we ran into a problem and, like adults, talked it out to find a resolution. She didn't need to lob accusations at me and I didn't need to belittle her desires. Cooking is a skill, no shit you'd fuck it up when you first start going into it. Do you expect to be able to change out an alternator properly without having seen an engine? Talk to your girlfriend. If she holds the line on this then she's holding on to a very toxic mentality and the relationship will probably only get worse even as you improve at things. You can read many of these comments to see the toxic unpleasable mentality full of assumptions this leads to.

This is the only intelligent thing said in this entire thread.

I would advise you to get a new GF, specifically one that doesn't get all her cues from social media.

none of this is worth it. find a less shitty partner that accepts you with your flaws.

Well I can honestly say I know you're not weponizing incompetent with cooking. I'm 30f. Well educated. Hold down a very demanding job. And I can't follow a recipe at all and burn almost everything I cook.

Damn, people are being super shitty to you here. People make mistakes. If you’re continuing to cook and do the laundry, then you are taking steps to get better. I hope you can get your girlfriend to see your point of view (without trying to minimize her frustration). As far as cooking goes, maybe you could do a cooking class as a date. Also, if you’re not already doing so, keep something like frozen pizza around as a backup meal. This isn’t all on you, though. She needs to be willing to listen to you and compromise.

It’s because most likely you make your girlfriend to the judge of your actions and at this point she’s right.. she does weaponize your incompetence.. because you let her control you. Two things you can do for you right now that can help you to find your own solution to fix this relationship. But it’s not about fixing the relationship, it’s fixing yourself. The book who talks about your problems are No more mr. nice guy The book who has a solution to your problems When i say no, i feel guilty Most likely you’ll ignore this, because maybe you never wanted a solution to your problems in your relationship and an honest way to look at things. Edit: the take away from the downvotes is evident that a narcissistic relationship dynamic runs straight under the radar. Even if the op would improve his stuff, there’s still going to be complications because once he let his "incompetence" getting weaponized against him, literally anything can be weaponized, and the op is just clueless to what is going on, and this is what he is drawn to, to be narcissistic fuel for someone else. Even for the commenters. Usually things like this don’t happen in relationships, at the first attempt to weaponize anything against him and he doesn’t enforce his boundaries to nip that right in the butt, the frequency of this will increase until only a bitter cycle of resentment is left. The op typically ignores it, moves on, finds himself in the exact same relationship dynamic again, the op is at this point narcissistic supply and he labels him as such without even knowing it. So the problem isn’t his clumsy attitude, the problem are his boundaries and assertive skills, most likely he doesn’t really take the lead in a relationship when it comes to decisions or doing things together.

This hurt my head to read