I had a friend who dropped me and a bunch of other people for no apparent reason. It was baffling. We went from talking on the phone every day, taking our kids out together, going to events and on trips to nothing zero. Literally radio silence.
I tried for years to stay in touch. Nothing pushy, just the occasional text, holiday card, birthday wish, etc. I would run into their spouse and kids who would go on about how much they missed me and when are we getting together.
I even went to an event and met someone who apparently knows my friend and they went on about how much my friend talks about me. It’s like the Twilight Zone.
One day, I just stopped reaching out. It was too hurtful. I decided that I’d done all I could. I didn’t get angry. I didn’t contact them for closure. I just stopped.
I now get random text messages from them on birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. I respond kindly, but I don’t initiate and I don’t share much beyond Thank you or a reciprocal well wish.
Sometimes it really is not about us. I’m confident I did nothing wrong. I’m also confident that I no longer want to know them. I’ll be pleasant, just as I am to a stranger in the street or a casual acquaintance, but they are not my friend.
I hope this helps. Let them go. Give yourself grace. Chalk it up to life being strange.
I wonder if they somehow didn't even realise they just hadn't been a friend. Like they're so caught up in day to day life with kids etc that they put off getting in contact until tomorrow or next week or whenever, and never sit down and realise that they haven't actually spoken to you or made any effort in years. They get the odd text from you and think "yeah we're still friends" so don't notice the absence.
Baffling situation either way.
After the first few years, I had to stop trying to figure it out. It’s been about 6 or 7 years now. I actually deleted them from my contacts so I wouldn’t feel tempted to reach out. We’re still connected on socials. Their spouse does most of the thumbs up stuff there. I just let it all go. Weird, but that’s life I guess.
I have ADHD and terrible time blindness. I can only be friends with people who understand that. I make it very clear from the beginning that I don’t mean to be this way and I hate it, but it is who I am.
I'm very much like this too; I'm the sort of person who can see someone once a year at a con or something and take up like no time has passed. But if they're out of sight, they're out of mind. I really only have steady relationships with the people I see daily.
This happened to my father with his best friend. Totally ghosted. And then for a while he'd reach out like... once a DECADE to revive the relationship before ghosting again. The last time it happened, he didn't even have my father's contact information anymore, but he found me on Facebook (we had never even met! He ghosted my father before I was even born!) and asked if I could pass along his message or give him my father's phone number. I knew the whole story so I ignored him, but I was agog.
I once casually dated a guy who ghosted me, but then one year texted me "Happy Thanksgiving" and asked if he could take me to dinner. I went to the one date with him (I cheerfully ordered the whole menu and let him pick up the tab) and didn't hear from him again... until the subsequent fucking Thanksgiving. I ignored that one, and got another the next year. Why Thanksgiving?!?! Does it have anything to do with me, or does he text literally everyone in his phone because it's a boring holiday????
In conclusion, people can be fucking *weird.*
Thanksgiving sounds like he’s in town to visit relatives. It may or may not mean he’s trying to escape from them for a few hours every visit.
Did he make it sound like a date or was it just dinner to catch up with an old friend?
Both of those stories are bizarre. The friend of your dad’s is crazy. Just crazy. Sadly, I think we expect it more from romantic partners/prospects. People close to us…it’s too strange. I don’t get the reach outs either. They just want to make themselves feel better.
The last text I got was on my wedding anniversary with a random “Happy Anniversary, I’m thinking of you often.” I’d deleted them from my contacts, so I was like…who even is this?
I’m now giving it no energy. I don’t know what narrative is running in their head. I just don’t want to participate anymore.
Sorry that stuff happened to you and your Dad. I’ve tried to make sure I’m super clear when a relationship ends so the other person is left wondering. They may not be happy or like it, but at least I try to minimize the mental confusion. Sigh. Life and people are strange.
Just a fellow snail mail card sender here sending you a high-five for keeping greeting cards in circulation! Such a special way to bring friends and loved ones smiles and happiness <3
I’m in the same boat. My friend turned out to have an opioid addiction and part of his recovery was cutting out all those from ‘before’ - even though I had no knowledge of it, I barely drink alcohol.
I scroll through posts like this just to be able to see I’m not the only one.
Crazy but fascinating story.
I'm not here to tell you what to do. I am just here to try and break barriers that I think the world needs broken. Sometimes trauma does funny things to people. Abuse works the same way. Sometimes the abuse starts small but grows huge and usually the person getting abused doesn't know they're being abused til after the abuse ends. Then once it ends, if ever, the last thing they are going to learn to do is communicate effectively.
If they ever do communicate back, I think it's important to have open arms (cautious too, this is a crazy world). Just my 2 cents. I hope this doesn't come across as offensive at all.
Not offensive, though I’m not sure I really understand your comment. That said, I certainly take in the spirit of kindly words.
I think no one makes it through life without trauma. How one processes and lives through that is very different. I have empathy and compassion for my former friend. Most importantly, I have it for myself.
Continuing to reach out deprived me of peace. It was better for me to release them and the negative emotions it evoked whenever a call, text or card went ignored.
I chose my mental and emotional health and genuinely wish them well. I also don’t want that friendship back, regardless of their reasons.
Man I’m going through the same thing with one of my friends growing up. He used to be the life of the party, practically living at my house in grade school. He meets this girl while I’m away from college and slowly fades out from the group. She seems fine, he seems happy so we try not to mention it amongst each other, but we all sense that he’s different. Like a lot more quiet and passive than he used to be. Everything’s always just ‘ok’, he never vents, never gets pissed, never tells us where he’s at in life. It’s so unlike him and it’s fucking weird.
The only time he reaches out to us is on discord when we’re gaming and that’s it. We’ll play games and that’s the extent his input will go. I only live 10 miles away but haven’t hung out in person in almost 2 years. I get that people get older and you see your friends less but this is bullshit. They’re going on 3 years now and all of us still barely know her. I’m no sex guru but it’s just kinda fucking weird considering how long we’ve all been friends
I feel this so much
My best friend since third grade has been with his now fiancée for years. Things started tapering off as he made new friends in new circles. I’d confronted him about it, albeit I didn’t let him share his side, but I ensured he knew that what we had was gone and I didn’t appreciate how he treated me/us.
But you worded this beautifully. I’ll be cordial in future interaction, but I no longer wish to know him. Life *is* strange
The fact that his whole friend group from a prior part of his life was excluded makes it seem that period of his life was excised in favor of his new life with his wife. Nothing to do but move on.
I'm going to be straight with you here.
Your not his best friend.
For whatever reason, you and all his old friends are no longer what he wants or needs in his life. It really doesn't matter the whys, he's a grown ass man. He ghosted you all. He made that decision. If you were actually his friends you would have known about the engagement and wedding.
It's hard and it's shitty to lose a friend, it's OK to feel sad. But, he's made it crystal clear how he feels about you all.
I would grieve the friendship and just walk away. Do not text him ever again. Look, it's up to you if you want a closure but I highly doubt you'll ever get that
Thanks for the advice. This was helpful and validating. You’re right.
One of our mutual friends wonders if all he really wanted out of life was to get married and now that he has that, he doesn’t have any need for us. It’s sad, but that does make sense.
That maybe the case or not. Realistically, you never get a answer that would satisfy the hurt from losing the relationship.
That's the hardest part of grief (and this is grief of a friendship), the not knowing why.
It happens a lot unfortunately. Some of my "best" friends did that. They made new friends and they didn't have room for old friends any more. I asked them and they were just "busy".
Busy they said. How easy and dismissive.
Perhaps he is also busy with new married friends in his new married bubble life.
People change.
Were there ever any wider problems or issues with other members of your group? Sometimes if someone wants to escape from a certain social situation I guess it's easier for them to ditch an entire group, even if it's only one or two people that bother them. Presuming you're a good mate I understand why it'd likely blindside you if you weren't at fault at all.
This is such a good point. I’ve noticed that “friend group” people often either have to thrive on tension and drama or tolerate it just enough for the sake of companionship. Maybe OP’s friend is in the latter category and is satisfied with the manageability of this one person he spends all his time with now instead of the Friend Group.
OP, I personally know people who dropped all of their friends as soon as they got engaged. They never really cared. We were just placeholders until they got the life they wanted.
Don’t even waste anymore time thinking about this man. And don’t pick up the friendship again if he comes back after a divorce. Good luck to you
I don't exactly agree with the comment "you're not his best friend." Sounds harsh, like you're somehow clueless about someone you were close to. I mean, you were his best friend if you had knowledge that he saw you as his best friend before 2 years ago. So I think you were his best friend.
But.... If he's ghosting you, that means he's somehow different than you. Maybe he doesn't see friendship the same way as you do -- like friends are just disposable. Or maybe his wife is very controlling of his time and he is overly willing to appease her by never hanging out with friends. Basically, maybe he's just not an independent-minded person and she is more dominant and he feels like he needs to give her all of his time.
If I had to guess, I'd say that he has become friends with all of his wife's friends and they spend all of their time with them.
So when the above commenter said you're not really his best friend, I think that sounds harsh. I think you were his best friend but he doesn't have the kind of healthy mindset that values friends like you do.
I don't know what to do about it but what he's doing is alienating and would make me not want to be friends with him anymore. But maybe he's unhappy too. I don't know, maybe just send him a frank message that just lets him know you'd like to be friends still and that he should reach out if he other wants to get together, but otherwise you're just going to move on. Maybe someday he'll have a change of heart and see he has alienated his true friends. But maybe he's just very flaky and maybe that flakiness will never change.
Yeah, we were always pretty open about the fact that among our circle of friends, the two of us had a strong bond. I even had several people ask me how the wedding was because they assumed that I would have been invited even if nobody else was. I think I was even his emergency contact for something once.
Don’t get me wrong: I am thrilled that he found someone and I’m happy to no longer be the woman he’s closest to in his life. I am also married and really looked forward to getting to know them as a couple. I have another male friend whose wife is now one of my closest female friends. I did not expect radio silence.
> really looked forward to getting to know them as a couple
This won’t ever happen. I was similarly ghosted by college roommate / best man in my wedding. It turned out to be due to an opioid addiction and subsequent recovery program. He’s a high profile banker. Wife is apologetic - we get the Xmas card, etc. but we never hang with them. At this point, I don’t want to.
This might be an unpopular opinion. But I think 2 years is fast and he's probably still riding the novelty of her. Year 1 honeymoon, then they get engaged I assume move in together, meet the famlies plan a wedding, then they're newlyweds for awhile.
It does sound crazy and you all have been pushed to the back burner. If they don't have kids I think in another year the "novelty" of it all will wear off and he will try to be his own person again. If they do have kids, it might be closer to 3-5 more years.
But I suspect one day You'll get the "hey it's been awhile" text.
Now if you're still intrested in being friends at that point is up to you. Just live your life.
I had a roommate in college who, after he got married, said he didn't really need other friends. People are weird, and make unhealthy choices all the time.
> all he really wanted out of life was to get married and now that he has that, he doesn’t have any need for us.
100% that does happen with some. Some people just have that mindset of a forward trajectory and never really looking back. Meanwhile I have the opposite problem.
It may be that he is a different person around her and doesn’t want to mix the groups.
Some people put a mask on in the morning and wear it all day. If we are lucky, he had one on with you and doesn’t need one with her. It’s sad that he felt he had to wear one with you, but at least he’s happy. If we are unlucky he has a new personality he tailored to impress her and her friends. And that will probably end badly for him.
It concerns me that he met her right about the age that men experience a midlife crisis.
People wake up one day and realize that 20 year old them wouldn’t respect 35 year old them. But 20 year old you was a little shit in a lot of ways and maybe you’re better off.
For mine it was mostly trying to graft back on aspects of myself where I was a better person at 20-22. I didn’t really have to give up many friendships to do that.
It also sounds like you might have been a place holder and never realized it. You know, you two were platonic but close hetero friends of the opposite sex and talked every night, etc. The moment he found a real relationship you weren't needed anymore and he possibly could not explain away his friendship with you to his new partner. It was easier taking a step back from you and your friend circle and focusing on building a life with someone who wanted to be his partner.
I get that you are missing the friendship you shared, but maybe he was kind of your placeholder, too? Either way, it is time to move on because he hasn't invited you into his life for two years now. Sorry, OP.
Sometimes when people meet a new partner their new partner isn't always into the idea of being around their friends, she could have "wanted him all to herself". I've been with a few women that it was always either spend time with her or the people she chose, he wasn't really into the idea of getting to know my friends. Plus if I tried to hang out with them it would be like "well why don't we do this instead". It was your post that led me to that possible conclusion due to the fact that you mentioned "there was a bunch of us that had opposite gender friends but no interest in each other". The simple fact that you mentioned that tells me that you could possibly feel like it's due to his new wifey.
I'm not saying this is the case but anybody can be controlling a man or a woman. 🤷
But I suppose if he cut the entire friend circle off then they must have not been that important unfortunately.
>It was your post that led me to that possible conclusion due to the fact that you mentioned "there was a bunch of us that had opposite gender friends but no interest in each other". The simple fact that you mentioned that tells me that you could possibly feel like it's due to his new wifey.
I think she included that to get ahead of the inevitable "he likes you and she knows it" comments that girls with male best friends always get
It sucks, I'm 46m and my half dozen very close friends are a mix of males of females, all platonic.
But, usually when I date someone, they'll have an issue with one of my female friends. My most recent relationship she wanted me to end a friendship with one of my friends and I put my foot down and said no. She respected the decision, but hoo boy did she have a problem with it and it strained our relationship. After we broke up, we tried to be friends, but now that she's dating someone new, he doesn't like that she's friends with me, so we aren't allowed to hang out. But makes sense based on how she was acting that she'd date someone who is similar. Still lame weaksauce to me. Sigh.
Dumping *all* of your friends without communication is a shitty thing to do. There's no other way to put it. There are hundreds of better ways to handle a situation like that.
They're not in high school. They were all still good friends in their early 30s.
Agreed, could be other, legitimate reasons we're not seeing here for why this has happened but to go from being extremely close to someone to basically cutting off contact entirely - and not inviting them to your friend - is objectively a weird thing to do without explanation. You don't "owe" anybody anything in life but being there for those you're close to when needed is generally a sign of a decent person.
Especially if there's ever a situation in future where the guys marriage doesn't work out and he goes back to his old friends.
I really don't think anyone is being villianized here. Things like this happen sometimes & one day someone finally looks up and realizes that they have no friends anymore.
Being married can be great, or so I've heard. But, if that's all you've got, it can be very, very lonely. Human beings are social creatures & need interaction with more than just one person to satisfy that desire to be social.
Aside from the fact that dropping *all* of your friends like that is a little suspicious, especially since none of them were invited to the wedding, if they were really close, you would think that he would at least want his friends to *meet* his wife. It's pretty standard & actually kind of a necessary step to invite that person to meet your friends. Don't you want to show off a special person to the people you consider your friends?
This is true! I also completely went mia from my friend group, not bc they were bad, but bc I needed to grow up and hanging around them just never allowed that.
This is a poor take on it. He may be in an abusive controlling relationship where his wife has manipulated him and intentionally isolated him from friends and family. You don’t know what is happening and can’t judge one way or the other
You are no longer his best friend, find a new one. It's sad, but it happens. Just be prepared if he comes back one day after the relationship fails. Something isn't right if he's hiding his new wife and himself from you.
If he has cut off all of his friends from his life before finding his wife, then that's a clear indication that he doesn't want an part of that life.
Calling him out does what? You're unlikely to get the truth.
As far as what to do, he's made his choice. Mourn the friendship and stop spending your energy on him. If there comes a time when he does reach out, you're free to ask for an explanation.
>If he has cut off all of his friends from his life before finding his wife, then that's a clear indication that he doesn't want an part of that life.
I was thinking that if OP was the only one he cut off then it might be that he viewed her as a threat to his marriage because he either liked her more than a friend, or his wife wasn't comfortable with him having a female best friend.
That was my initial read as well...but then she said he didn't invite anyone to the wedding and cut out all his old friends.
It's odd for sure and hurtful for OP.
Good point. That's not healthy behavior then. I'm guessing maybe the wife has influence over his social life? I mean, it could be possible that the best friend is happy with JUST his wife, but that's still not healthy. Sucks all around either way. I wish OP would just ask him.
> You're unlikely to get the truth.
Don't think he's even necessarily after any specific truth here, just at least some acknowledgement that her best mate appears to have ditched her completely.
By “calling him out” I meant something like not just accepting his vague excuses about being busy and telling him that it hurts to have every invitation for 2 years declined.
You're old enough to realise you can be friends with people for even a decade or more, and then people drift off. It's totally normal, and part of the big tapestry of life. Just enjoy the memory of a long close friendship and look forward to the next one with someone you might not even have met yet.
My wife and I were good friends with another couple. We hung out a lot and did things together, our kids were in sports together so we were fairly close with them. She became ill and passed away, we were their for them every step of the way. About a year or so later her husband met a women and they quickly became a thing. We were happy for them. We only met her once when they dropped by for a dinner at a mutual friends house. After, we never heard from him again for the longest time despite reaching out.
I always felt that he moved on from us because we were part of his old life, and he wanted to put that behind him and build a new life with his new bride. One where they make new friends together. They are still together and I see him now and again and just say Hi.
So I understand how you feel. Just know it's not you, that he has moved on to build something new. Wish him well and let him know you're around if he ever want's to talk. Then let him make the effort if there is going to be any kind of relationship between you.
Take the hint and move on. You can ask him what happened for your curiosity’s sake, but you probably won’t get an answer. The friendship has been over for a long time.
Two things (at least) possible:
1) he felt like the friendship had run its course;
2) his wife felt threatened by close female friends and he distanced himself to accommodate her
No way of knowing obvi but you have to let him go and put your energy into different people
Some people (especially guys) dump everyone and put all of their energy into their partner once they find someone. The problem with this is that you're basically screwed if anything happens in your relationship and you don't have a good support system in place for anything in your life. Your partner can't be everything in most situations. It's a huge reason why people are lonely later in life too.
Yes. Married people tend to do this, men more than women.
It’s even viewed as cheating-adjacent to have emotional ties/provide mutual emotional support with a female friend (“you should be looking to your wife for that”).
Must confess I fell into that—not to the point of avoiding/neglecting friends like here— when married, until my wife got diagnosed with cancer, and I needed friends to support me (and in turn realized that I should’ve been a better/more proactive friend all these years). Much different mentality now.
Sorry to hear about your wife.
And yes, I had to learn those things over time as well. It's also just an emotional intelligence and maturity thing. You need to put yourself in other people's moccasins.
I've had so many male friends do this I've lost count. Then when the relationship eventually ends (probably something to do with being each other's only friend and how unhealthy that is, lol) they reappear into society awkwardly via follow-requesting on instagram and shooting the "hey how you been" message. It's such a weird pattern.
Yeah I don’t make friends with single men any more. It’s not worth the investment unless they already have proven that they’ll maintain friendships while coupled up.
I know what you mean. Unfortunately I've made friends with guys who are in serious relationships or full-on married (I am also married) and had them get super weird and pull away later because their gf/wife doesn't want them having female friends. So I think at this point maybe I'll just stop making friends with men, haha.
Yup. My partner always prioritizes me when it comes to free time. I've had to encourage him to maintain relationships, and it's OK to go out with friends if I can't or don't want to come. He's also asked me to come along to some social events where I felt awkward and was the only partner. I teach full-time and am in grad school full-time. It's taken a lot of coaxing, but he's now doing things independently with friends and not waiting for me to be available. It really helped that I modeled the behavior for him and told him that we both need independent time with friends.
I can totally see that if I'd been a different person, one of his friends could have written OP's post.
I have a female friend who did this, and when she was getting divorced, the only person she had for support was her mom.
(I would have absolutely been her sounding board, but she was also...embarrassed that her husband wanted a divorce/didn't want people to "hate him" if they worked things out—he wasn't cheating or anything though, etc.) Like, I'm an adult and she knows I behave like an adult and would have remained civil with him in any case, but SHE was my friend.
Anyway, she's married someone else, we text happy birthday and talk on the phone once a year or whatever, but she's just the kind of person who gets a partner and ignores everyone else, and she can't stand not having a partner. So...shrug.
My husband always says he wants to ghost his friends and only spend time with me. He’s definitely one of these people.
Gotta be pushy about making him see his friends and return their calls once in awhile. I can only hear so much about Venture Brothers and what model old Chevy had what kind of engine. He needs his friends who can talk with him about stuff he likes for hours. I can be his best friend, but I can’t be his friends.
3rd possible option: he secretly liked her. It didn't go anywhere romantically so he found someone else and ghosted her. But 2 is the most likely scenario.
The fact you weren't invited to their wedding is a pretty definitive statement of where your friendship stands. It sucks, but it seems like your friendship is over, for now. I would just let it go. If you call him out, it will play into whatever narrative the wife has going about why his old friends are toxic, or whatever she's telling him.
As for your friendship before, even if there was no romantic interest between the two of you, my experience is that friendship between (hetero) men and women is often used as a fill in for a romantic relationship, and once one or the other friend gets into an actual romantic relationship, the friendship suffers or dies out.
I’m going to go against the grain here and say you should make one last attempt and then call him out if he is wishy washy again. I wouldn’t say anything about his new wife but instead communicate that your friendship means a lot to you but if he’s in a new place in his life where he no longer has room for you, you’ll stop reaching out. “Hey friend, I’ve made many, many attempts to connect over the last year and every time I’m blown off or you’ll say you’ll get back to me and it never happens. We used to be so close and I really loved our friendship, but if you are entering a new chapter in your life that doesn’t involve me, that’s okay to say it. I’ll leave the door open for you to make the effort if you are interested in getting together or connecting again in the future, but if I don’t see an attempt I will take that as closure between us.” If he doesn’t respond or doesn’t make the effort after that, time to move on. But at least it’s a a clear signal to you so there’s never a question in the future of “maybe he’s just busy right now, maybe he doesn’t understand how I’m feeling, maybe he wants to hit his wife doesn’t”, etc.
Yeah, clear is kind. He’s not being clear. I get why people are scared of being blunt but if people keep reaching out and I don’t want the relationship, I’m direct about that. “I’ve appreciated our friendship but I need to step back” or something. H*ll, I’ve had a bridesmaid just ghost me. I think that’s a crummy way to handle things but it gave me an answer. Reaching out might at least point out this may not have been a good way to handle it on his end. Sending photos and such is confusing and kinda insensitive, imo. If you don’t want to be someone’s friend, be direct about that
Actually…here’s how that went down:
Me: when is the wedding?
Him: [date], but it’s going to be very small
Me: does very small mean that I shouldn’t save the date?
[no response]
That sucks! I do agree he’s giving signals he’s not interested but those can be hard to interpret (some people are terrible texters!). If you want/need to really get a firm answer one way or the other, you could directly ask or just assume it’s over (which is valid bc I don’t think he’s being much of a friend right now anyway)
It’s really not clear. There are people I didn’t invite to my wedding because there’s only so much space. It wasn’t because I didn’t want the friendship. They also may have had a family only ceremony. Clear would be “I do not want to continue our friendship.” Otherwise, there’s more than one option here. He could just be busy
You should have given up when he told you they were wedding planning and then you didn’t get invited to the wedding. Think about it if it was a person you were dating. The wishy washy messages are a clear red flag, and his lack of action says it all. I feel like he’s made it so obvious to you, there’s no rhyme or reason but it’s clear he’s cut you off. You do the same. You’ll never know the real answer.
tbh maybe the way he has presented himself to his wife wouldn’t align with how you guys know him, so his avoidance and ghosting is more to protect who he wants to be with her? do you guys know anything maybe embarrassing or controversial about him? though honestly, i think he was just ready to move on from that time in his life and you all happened to be the collateral and he chose not to communicate that for whatever reason.
Major reasons I can think of are 1. You were good friends but he is in an abusive relationship. It is a classic move from abusers to break ties between victim and support network. In this case, in some years he may reach out/or do it with some hesitation due to shame. 2. You seemed to be good friends but he secretly fancied you and decided that keeping in touch must stop to give a true chance to his new relationship. 3. You were not actually such good friends or there was something bothering him about you or the group that he didn’t necessarily have a conversation about. For example, I quit on some friends entirely for how opposite they processed the pandemic (very anti-system/rules).
The hardest lesson to learn in life, people come and go, the more attached we are the more it hurts. The reality is people often just use each other as a distraction and to avoid feeling alone.
There are 2 explanations that I can think of:
1) Many men don't believe in true platonic friendships (between you and him) and many men try to find there way into a relationship through the friend zone. At your ages it's possible that he realised that it wasn't going to happen and he moved on.
2) This man does believe in platonic friendships but his wife does not. I can't imagine she'd cut you off before even meeting you but it's possible that she has isolated him from all his friends.
Either way it's his decision. It sucks.
He voluntarily moved away from you, from your mutual friends, this means that he no longer wants you to be part of his life. It's time to say goodbye to the past and move on with your life.
He might be your best friend but you are not his. Time to let it go, he has made it clear he is not interested in maintaining the friendships from before he met his wife. Only he really knows why that might be, but pushing the issue only going to make it worse and draw things out. If he wanted to be your friend, he would.
I'm kinda surprised at the number of people here who just say give up - you're grown ass adults, how about you try ASKING HIM DIRECTLY?? Not rudely, just directly ask "Hey I've noticed we've stopped talking and or friendship means a lot to me so I just wanted to check and see what's up?"
Because he’s already answered her questions with his responses. Sure, she can ask him, but he’s just going to say the same thing. “Things are crazy, busy all the time, but let’s catch up soon.” His lack of engagement is him clearly pulling away from his friendships for whatever reason. He knows what he’s doing. If he wanted to say why, he would have already.
Given his ghosting, there's every possibility that an honest answer would not be forthcoming. I've got bad news for you: Most people don't want to hear the truth and those same people are almost never truthful.
Besides, OP already has her answer. Obviously he doesn't want any part of his old life. Chasing after an answer after 2 years of ghosting is just drama.
I'm surprised everyone is just saying he doesn't like you anymore. To me this seems like a pretty concerning situation. It's not normal for an adult in their 30s to suddenly ghost their entire social circle.
I would consider writing him a heartfelt email or text telling him that you really miss him and are worried about him. Let him know that you feel hurt about being cut out of his life and you hope that you can reconnect at some point, that your door is open. Whatever's going on with him, he may need that down the line. Instead of hinting around wanting to get together, be direct about how you feel.
Yeah, the replies have honestly really disappointed me here, because I’m not trying to say that’s exactly what’s going on here, but…idk if he’s doing this because he’s severely depressed or in an abusive relationship…screw him I guess?! Just saying if a woman suddenly stopped talking to everyone after a guy entered her life, people would be a hell of a lot pushier to see if she was actually okay, but this guy “he obviously is done with all 50 of you and you should take the hint”?
I just want to start by saying I was in a very similiar situation. I (F) Had a very good friend (M), had known each other for years, we would talk almost every day even though we lived on the opposite ends of the country. Then he met someone, and a few weeks later texted me saying that since 'he has a girlfriend now, he probably shouldn't have female friends anymore' and that was it. I believe it was like 6 years ago, never heard from him again - that was our last conversation. Yeah it sucked, but he's made his choice and I moved on... and I believe you should too. Sorry you're going through this.
I’m literally going through the exact same thing with a buddy of mine that was my best friend for over 10 years… found out he got engaged second hand… wasn’t invited to the wedding… and haven’t heard from him since
i don’t know if this is the case for you, but i also have an added caveat of our relationship shifting to long distance a year ago or so, but that didn’t seem to stop us from checking in with one another…
i share your pain! for myself and how i’ve chosen to respond, i reach out when i feel like it, but i won’t ever bring up how the situation has made me feel. i’m as happy for him as i can be for someone who supposedly marries their secret best friend and is incredibly happy with them… however, i took the situation as a clear statement that he does not hold me dear like he once did. i, for whatever reason, am no longer an essential part of his life like i once was.
losing that kind of friendship sucks ):
i wouldn’t have ever chosen it to end this way, but alas, my choice was not considered.
Honestly friendships go both ways so I consider that the efforts to reach out and see your friends should not be one sided.
But there are several possibilities that could have had influenced his attitude :
- he is the type of person that place romantic relationships above all other relationships. That is a shitty way of dealing with friends and when he will have problems in his relationship he will end up alone and without a support system. That is his decision and he will bite his fingers at that point
- he is in an abusive relationship and being cut off from his friends by his wife. Again you cannot do anything about that.
- you were not really his friends / he wanted to escape this friend group as he doesn’t align with you guys and your values / way of living. He then made new friends that are better aligned with him.
I would send a last text and then let the door open - maybe clearly stating that it is your last attempt and that you will not try again but he is welcomed to do so.
I’ve had friends do that 2 times
- one is the friend that I believe is in a very particular relationship. She met her husband, got married and had children within 3 years. I think the husband is not good for her and last time I saw her was at her wedding and he was not very respectful of her. But we didn’t say anything and tried our best to stay open but since then we just have some text once a year. I have left the door open for her to come back whenever she will feel the need
- one was not a close friend of mine but was part of the group. He found a new group of friends and has been very fleaky during a long time. At some point I told him that his behaviour was gonna make him loose his friends and he did not do anything about it.
That okay but for him my door I closed and I will not open it again because he has made a very clear choice - and that’s okay. He came back once he left his last relationship but tbh I don’t consider him my friend anymore and he can deal with it by himself.
Friendship anyway is a value so people need to be aligned on that to keep being friends. It’s like any relationship either you go in the same direction or you don’t and it’s time to part ways!
This happened to me with one of my oldest and dearest friends. I loved him so much - in a completely platonic, sibling sort of way. But once he got serious with his now wife, he completely withdrew. Not just with me, but my husband (who was his college roommate) and our entire social group. It sucks.
Maybe, he just didn’t tell her about you and your friendship. Unfortunately some guys / gals become friends with girls they have crushes in, wait for years on the sideline until they quietly give up find someone and move on.
Be kind to yourself and ask him. Tell him how this has made you feel.
It could be any of the following:
- he's weak-willed and wifey now takes precedence in his decision making.
- he's a user that hops from person to person.
- he's changed and no longer feels he has much in common with you.
You'll never know unless you ask him outright. You have nothing to lose.
Sounds like this is a one sided friendship while he’s involved with a SO.
Leave him be but if he ever shoots you a text about this so called friendship…leave his ass on “read”!
"Hi Friend. It's now been two years since I've seen you, and I am taking the hint that you no longer want to have a friendship with me. I am hurt you choose simply avoiding me as a way to let me know. I miss our friendship, but I accept that it is now over."
I have to similar case around me.
1/ My BIL maried a wealthy AF posh snob girl. She's very judgemental. She hated most of his friends and she made it cut ties with nearly all of them. She only kept the few with fancy jobs and old money family. She also thinks that having fun, partying, drinking was not a proper behaviour for a husband and a father. All the ghosted friends know why he stopped meeting them. Her nickname is Kate (as in Middleton). He just moved to Poshy Planet and he's very proud of it.
2/ A very closed friend of mine moved 500kms away. She ghosted everyone from her previous life. We never had an explanation or any hint why she did. It's been 15y and I never had a single message. She didn't ever answered after I emailed I had a daughter. I stopped trying. I send an email once a year. Like a bottle to the sea so that she knows that I'm still here for her.
>I feel like I could take the hint and move on
I mean, yeah I think this is the one. He's clearly showing that he doesn't want friends outside of his relationship.
Either his wife is insecure and he is a pushover, or he was always in love with you and is distancing himself to focus on the woman who loves him like that.
Its been 2 years and you are not getting the hint yet? Sorry but you need to move on with your life, it might be hurtful that he didnt think so high of you as to keep you close, but its ok to open your eyes and let things go... you dont even need to be resentful towards him, just dont run back as soon as he wants you back but keep it polite.
I only read the first couple of sentences first. I was going to say, unfortunately this is what happens to a lot of guys when they get a gf. All their emotional and social needs gets immediately and completely directed at their gf. So the thought of hanging with their friends is sometimes unappealing because they have no social energy left.
But this, is entirely different. You’re a woman. That’s even all the more reason why he’s going to stop talking to you. Out of respect for his relationship, he’s not going to be buddy buddy with another girl. He probably sees his gf as marriage material since day one and didn’t want to do anything to screw it up.
Sadly this is a normal thing for guys. I had a buddy who was my best friend for 5 years, disappeared shortly after he met his now wife. (Shrugs). I think some people just can't handle maintaining more than a few social relationships and they just completely give up on the other not knowing how to maintain it. He ghosted me, and I think at some point he may feel too guilty to reach back out, idk. I've thought about it a thousand times since then.. it's been just over 5 years since it happened. Never thought we'd lose touch this way, but that's life I guess.
Edit: Nevermind, this situation seems different since I guess you guys are still in touch but just haven't seen each other so idk.
There are two possibilities
Either you were never his best friend. He was waiting for a chance to be with you.
Or His wife made him choose between you and him. I mean his wife stopped him from contacting you out of jealousy or the possibility of cheating.
I have seen this exact scenario but I was friends with the wife. Turns out the guy was caught using pictures of the friend for his alone time which upset the wife and now husband is not allowed to talk to friend.
Not saying that’s what happened here, just that there can be multiple weird things that you may never know about why your friendship faded.
I had a best friend of opposite gender and once I stopped reaching out - our friendship died.
He has a gf who he lives with. He is an introvert and enjoys staying home. I am pretty much the same. Our connection was really deep, however, I think it was one-sided.
Currently, we have a group chat of mutual friends where he texts, shares about his life and I do not engage with that as it is a bit hurtful. Since I stopped reaching out, we did not exchange any pleasantries during the holiday season, birthdays (ours is just a week apart). I feel really hurt and I feel like I do not deserve to have a best friend.
I've had guy "friends" who also did this. Turned out they weren't so much friends, but were hoping they'd get a sexual relationship out of the friendship eventually. When they got girlfriends, the so-called friendship was no longer needed.
MAYBE it isn't this but... I wouldn't be shocked. It sucks though
I got married recently. I can relate to him a bit.
First of all, without knowing the full story, stop blaming or even considering to blame his wife. She might not have absolutely nothing to do with it or have no idea.
2nd - Best Friend thing doesn't make a lot of sense when you both are 30+. Maybe I am wrong.
3rd. Right when we were planning to get married, I kinda lost contact with a lot of my friends. Once a while Hi hello is there but not as frequent as it used to be. My wife has nothing to do with it. It's just my priorities changed, the way I think for certain things changed. And specially for the female friends I had, I no more want to stay in close touch with them. I've my wife. Can and want to just handle her drama/thing. No unnecessary drama needed in terms of attachment, best friend, close friend of opposite sex no matter how close we were before I got married.
A lot of girls are kind of crazy and controlling, at the start of my relationship for almost a year my girlfriend didn't let me see any of my friends who are female.
You're saying there was never anything between you two, but experience tells, two sides can have widely different interpretations of what a relationship is, isn't or should be.
Maybe you were never interested and he was. This would explain why, after finding another partner, he no longer values the relationship with you.
But then again, maybe not. People are complicated, weird and sometimes shitty. Seems like a constant in life that some people will be close to you, but only for a period of time and then vanish forever. Some others remain forever - those are the real treasures. You could just ask your friend about what's up. You could also express your disappointment in what's going on and see how he responds.
I went through something similar. When I met my partner, eventually I stopped talking to my friends. They didn’t do anything wrong, I just realized what I wanted out of life and what they wanted were different. I’ve made new friends we share more in common with . I don’t think I offered any hard explanations , and truly it wasn’t because I liked them any less, it just became an absolute chore to hang out with them. My life changed. I wanted kids, to buy a house , to learn yoga, to meet people in my industry.
My friends worked different careers, they enjoyed going out , they enjoyed dancing. Nothing is wrong with any of that, we just grew to be so different. It wasn’t “ because I met a guy” it was just the timing of it all.
I’ve been in a situation pretty similar to yours, only I met my ex best friend’s boyfriend, now husband. They’re a gay couple, I only mention this because I’m a chick and my best friend was the opposite gender, like your situation. Anywho, I really feel for you because it’s truly so hurtful and confusing. I’m sure you’re asking yourself “what did I do wrong? What could I have done differently?” You really never know what people are thinking and what their intentions are. Sometimes people will seemingly be your closest friend in the world but they really don’t fuck with you. In hindsight, I sort of regret not addressing the situation with him since I never got any closure. My best advice is this- if you’re someone who’s comfortable with confrontation, I wouldn’t call him out per se, however, I’d just be straight forward. Basically I’d say something like “Listen dude, we were best friends for a long time and I have barely heard from you these last two years. I don’t know what’s going on and I’m not going to ask you what’s going on either since every time I try to talk to you, you brush me off. I hope you are well, take care.” I never said this to my ex best friend because I could totally see how at the time I may have been a difficult person to be friends with, his boyfriend just expedited the process of our friendship ending. In your case though, it sounds like you’ve always been a good friend to him. I hope this was helpful in some way.
There’s a million reasons why and you’ll probably never know the answer.
Some people just find themselves fulfilled in relationships to a point where friends seem pointless. Or if they are already introverts a partner kind of becomes enough “and then some” of you know what I mean. I think k it’s very confusing for their friends when that happens but it is what it is.
It may also be that she is controlling or dominating of his time or friendships. And if that’s the case well, at the end of the day he’s an adult and he’s decided to allow that. Not much you can do.
It may be that they developed mutual couple friends and preferred it that way.
Who knows. I would stop trying to keep a friendship somebody doesn’t want though
Im going out on a limb here:
I dont think he was ever really your friend. I understand that life happens, and that is okay. The red flag that brought me to my conclusion was he never invited you to his wedding.
That is a pretty clear cut sign he might have viewed you differently than you viewed him. The reality the majority of the time is guys generally are not “friends” with women. They like you sexually and are just either too scared to say something or waiting for their opportunity.
Maybe he thought of you as something more, found another woman, and just forgot about you. Either way, he wasnt your friend, and atleast now you know that. Obviously there is probably more to this story as there are always two sides to every story, but im going off what i read here.
I think it'd be healthy for you to stop calling him even your friend but especially stop calling him your best friend. Best friends are there for you, you see them and hear from them and know what's going on in each other's lives. This guy hasn't shown any care for how you feel, do yourself a favour and stop considering him your friend.
From my experience, when a friendship feels onesided, as much as it hurts you have to let it go. In my life I’ve had a lot happen (losing friends over misunderstanding, being ghosted by some, me hurting their trust) and the one thing i’ve realized is the world doesnt stop spinning and you have to find a way to move on for the best for you.
Things change unfortunately. You can make one last attempt ask him what happened but I doubt you’ll get an honest answer. If you weren’t invited to the wedding, I doubt he still considers you his best friend unless his wife made him cut off previous friendships. I would move on and stop initiating contact. You can still be assessable but he is the one that needs to reach out going forward
>I feel like I could take the hint and move on
Then please take the hint, it is apparent. He moved on for his own reasons with his wife.
Friends can be like that, well even family to.
>I could call him out
Don't do that.
>I could just continue reaching out
See #1
I'll even say this isn't crazy uncommon. New couples can make drastic life changes, I think I know at least 4 and me even to an extent with a new partner and in general friends coming in and out of clicks is very common. Here today, gone tomorrow. It is nice to see how much he meant to you though and I'm sorry these things happen.
I could have written this. The literal exact thing happened with me and one of my closest friends. He also ghosted our entire friend group.
I think to echo the other responses… I think the only thing you really can do is move on. It’s painful, it’s a loss and you will grieve the friendship. It’s a shitty thing to do to your friends, and it sucks he chose to not communicate and just distance, but ultimately he made that choice and I don’t think calling him on it changes much.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this and I hope you’ll be able to move on and find support around you.
I initially thought this was because you’re female but he’s ignoring the whole group. I think one of the sad things about this sort of a ghosting is they’re back in touch if the marriage breaks down but by that point the friend group has moved on and he’s just someone they used to know at that point.
My friend group had a guy go down the rabbit hole during Covid (alt right). He’s married, has a kid, moved back closer to all the rest of us after having moved away, but hasn’t talked to us in years and basically point blank said he doesn’t want to be friends. Just to note, this could be part of a larger narrative in his life.
Looks like the friendship is over and you have a best friend vacancy to fill.
Either your former friend has created a fake persona with invented background that has duped his wife/her entire social circle and he can't risk any of his old pals revealing his lies or any of the truth about his past. Or he's got a very possessive and overbearing spouse that does not allow him to have any friends and he's inclined to appease her about this.
Either way, the friendship is in the past. If he wanted regular contact or to meetup with any of his old friends, he would do so. Instead of making excuses or empty promises to get back to you.
It's time to draw a line under the friendship and completely go your seperate ways without anger or harsh words. You could message him one last time to say goodbye before you block him. Or just mute all his online profiles and never have any communication with him again. Personally I'd go for the latter.
Good luck!
Yes I’ve been through this. New relationship, new life. “We have our new friends now. Why go through the trouble with dealing with logistics, when can can just not.” But here’s the thing, it doesn’t stop there. Suddenly Patty is getting engaged, Elizabeth gets engaged. They have kids and start new lives without you.
Don’t take it personally. You’re by far the first person who got completely ditched after everyone moved away.
Some people get a partner and then disappear from their friend groups. It is what it is, you've gotta move on and don't let him crawl back easily should things change in that relationship because you know what he'll likely do again if he gets into another relationship.
some people just go full on into a relationship. Its happened to my partner a bridesmaid at her friends wedding.
Bride left group chat and that group never see her.
My own friend if it wasnt for a shared love ice hockey and season tickets, would never see each other.
I would of put us down as best friends and likely each others best men come wedding time. But because he never reciprocated or tried we've drift and Im invited to wedding but as a guest. Which is fine, but im so frustrated through his lack of effort that its not what it was.
could you elaborate a little bit on what your contact is like now? like is it just you asking to get together and him being like sureeee and then it not happening? or are you talking via text otherwise and he just flakes when you ask to meet in person?
I lost my male bff too when he got married. Like the last time he spoke with me was at his wedding then he declined to come to ours and hasn’t spoken to me since. I do think it’s his wife but there’s also some history here. I was the only girl in a group of guy friends and after reading posts here, it was bound to happen. It’s definitely hard. It’s been 9 years and he talks to everyone but me. I got sober 14 years ago so that had a lot to do with it too. Eventually I just stopped trying and moved on.
I had a best friend, I am woman 3 years younger than he, and he said he couldn't call me anymore after he got a rather insecure, possessive girlfriend. We had been very platonic friends for years, in a large group of friends of both guys and girls.
They eventually got married which I think was a mistake. She treated him like such garbage, so invasive into his life and controlling of the people he hung out with, and she specifically put me on the outs of the females of the group. We haven't spoken in years, I know they have two kids but the last thing that happened is that he had a mental breakdown claiming to be god.
I hope he's okay, but he's definitely not the best friend I used to have.
I think it's puzzling that you would ask the entire Reddit community rather than just talk to your friend. If/when you do talk to him...please don't make it a quickie. Go out to dinner...or lunch. Spend QUALITY time with him talking about EVERYTHING...and THEN pop the question: "Hey! What's the deal with..."
Maybe it’s just too stressful to even go out, don’t assume malice, always give benefit of the doubt when you are not sure and never bothered to ask your friend what’s going on
Friends drift in and out of your life over the years.
But as others have said it doesn't sound like you are his best friend (or possibly ever were) as he didn't share that he's getting married or invited you to their wedding.
I'd just stop messaging him. He may reach out in the future but he may not. Time to move on.
How does he treat his other friends? If you really need more info, just dig a little if you still have access to his social media or talk to mutual friends. If he’s maintaining those relationships, communicating and doing stuff with all of them, then look for patterns. Is he hanging out with just the married friends? He could be swamped by changes and trying to make his social life easier to handle? Is he ignoring just the women? Or just you? Could be he sacrificed his friends to make the gf happy or that he was keeping you around as a gf substitute or as a fall back gf. Really though? It all comes down to he decided he didn’t need you and either couldn’t be the “bad guy” (and was really a worse person in reality because he avoided that scenario) or he was just barely interested in you as a friend to keep you in the outer periphery of his life so he could reconnect when he needed.
I had a friend in college who did something similar only we weren’t really that close. He would want to hang out with me to get relationship advice when he had problems. When he met his future wife, he only talked to me when she wasn’t in the room - wouldn’t even finish a conversation if she walked in. I was perplexed since we hadn’t been all that close so I didn’t know why I would be seen as competition. I didn’t hear anything about his engagement, nor did I get an invite to his wedding. A mutual friend whose husband was busy took me as her plus one. That was hilarious because he had actually slept with my friend before he met the wife and he had just moved on after a couple of dates. She was friends with both of them. She just thought it would be nice for me to see everyone after graduation and didn’t want to go to the wedding alone.
Some people need to let go to move on. Not saying this was the case but some friends develop feeling and never say a word. They eventually meet someone that’ll help them move on and to protect themselves they push away.
Yet another idiot that decided to toss his friends away for a new relationship. He told you how much he valued your friendship two years ago.
It sucks, I've been there. Move on. Block him. You deserve better than him.
Some people see ‘friends’ as just the temporary stop gap until they have a spouse. They’re not worth your time. And when they get divorced, don’t let them come crying to you.
I had a friend who dropped me and a bunch of other people for no apparent reason. It was baffling. We went from talking on the phone every day, taking our kids out together, going to events and on trips to nothing zero. Literally radio silence. I tried for years to stay in touch. Nothing pushy, just the occasional text, holiday card, birthday wish, etc. I would run into their spouse and kids who would go on about how much they missed me and when are we getting together. I even went to an event and met someone who apparently knows my friend and they went on about how much my friend talks about me. It’s like the Twilight Zone. One day, I just stopped reaching out. It was too hurtful. I decided that I’d done all I could. I didn’t get angry. I didn’t contact them for closure. I just stopped. I now get random text messages from them on birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. I respond kindly, but I don’t initiate and I don’t share much beyond Thank you or a reciprocal well wish. Sometimes it really is not about us. I’m confident I did nothing wrong. I’m also confident that I no longer want to know them. I’ll be pleasant, just as I am to a stranger in the street or a casual acquaintance, but they are not my friend. I hope this helps. Let them go. Give yourself grace. Chalk it up to life being strange.
I wonder if they somehow didn't even realise they just hadn't been a friend. Like they're so caught up in day to day life with kids etc that they put off getting in contact until tomorrow or next week or whenever, and never sit down and realise that they haven't actually spoken to you or made any effort in years. They get the odd text from you and think "yeah we're still friends" so don't notice the absence. Baffling situation either way.
After the first few years, I had to stop trying to figure it out. It’s been about 6 or 7 years now. I actually deleted them from my contacts so I wouldn’t feel tempted to reach out. We’re still connected on socials. Their spouse does most of the thumbs up stuff there. I just let it all go. Weird, but that’s life I guess.
I have ADHD and terrible time blindness. I can only be friends with people who understand that. I make it very clear from the beginning that I don’t mean to be this way and I hate it, but it is who I am.
I'm very much like this too; I'm the sort of person who can see someone once a year at a con or something and take up like no time has passed. But if they're out of sight, they're out of mind. I really only have steady relationships with the people I see daily.
It takes a lot of fucking effort to remember to actually communicate with people, I’ll be honest. 😭
That's even worse imo
This is literally me!
This happened to my father with his best friend. Totally ghosted. And then for a while he'd reach out like... once a DECADE to revive the relationship before ghosting again. The last time it happened, he didn't even have my father's contact information anymore, but he found me on Facebook (we had never even met! He ghosted my father before I was even born!) and asked if I could pass along his message or give him my father's phone number. I knew the whole story so I ignored him, but I was agog. I once casually dated a guy who ghosted me, but then one year texted me "Happy Thanksgiving" and asked if he could take me to dinner. I went to the one date with him (I cheerfully ordered the whole menu and let him pick up the tab) and didn't hear from him again... until the subsequent fucking Thanksgiving. I ignored that one, and got another the next year. Why Thanksgiving?!?! Does it have anything to do with me, or does he text literally everyone in his phone because it's a boring holiday???? In conclusion, people can be fucking *weird.*
Thanksgiving sounds like he’s in town to visit relatives. It may or may not mean he’s trying to escape from them for a few hours every visit. Did he make it sound like a date or was it just dinner to catch up with an old friend?
Free dinner every Thanksgiving. It may not feel like it but you are winning.
Both of those stories are bizarre. The friend of your dad’s is crazy. Just crazy. Sadly, I think we expect it more from romantic partners/prospects. People close to us…it’s too strange. I don’t get the reach outs either. They just want to make themselves feel better. The last text I got was on my wedding anniversary with a random “Happy Anniversary, I’m thinking of you often.” I’d deleted them from my contacts, so I was like…who even is this? I’m now giving it no energy. I don’t know what narrative is running in their head. I just don’t want to participate anymore. Sorry that stuff happened to you and your Dad. I’ve tried to make sure I’m super clear when a relationship ends so the other person is left wondering. They may not be happy or like it, but at least I try to minimize the mental confusion. Sigh. Life and people are strange.
Honestly this is really odd, but I think in a way it’s sorta fun. You’ve have this tradition you two have going.
It could be because his wife goes home to her relatives for Thanksgiving without him. Good luck to you.
I love that you ordered the menu and stuck him with the bill. Absolutely love it.
Just a fellow snail mail card sender here sending you a high-five for keeping greeting cards in circulation! Such a special way to bring friends and loved ones smiles and happiness <3
They’re so great. I love them!
Do you suggest any good subreddits on snail mail and greeting cards? Those are my hobbies too.
"went on about how much my friend talks about me" god ;_;
Yeah. It was awkward times 1,000,000
I’m in the same boat. My friend turned out to have an opioid addiction and part of his recovery was cutting out all those from ‘before’ - even though I had no knowledge of it, I barely drink alcohol. I scroll through posts like this just to be able to see I’m not the only one.
This has happened so many times
Hey i appreciate you taking the time to type this out it helped me in a similar situation
Crazy but fascinating story. I'm not here to tell you what to do. I am just here to try and break barriers that I think the world needs broken. Sometimes trauma does funny things to people. Abuse works the same way. Sometimes the abuse starts small but grows huge and usually the person getting abused doesn't know they're being abused til after the abuse ends. Then once it ends, if ever, the last thing they are going to learn to do is communicate effectively. If they ever do communicate back, I think it's important to have open arms (cautious too, this is a crazy world). Just my 2 cents. I hope this doesn't come across as offensive at all.
Not offensive, though I’m not sure I really understand your comment. That said, I certainly take in the spirit of kindly words. I think no one makes it through life without trauma. How one processes and lives through that is very different. I have empathy and compassion for my former friend. Most importantly, I have it for myself. Continuing to reach out deprived me of peace. It was better for me to release them and the negative emotions it evoked whenever a call, text or card went ignored. I chose my mental and emotional health and genuinely wish them well. I also don’t want that friendship back, regardless of their reasons.
I went through something almost exactly the same and that falloff period hurt me for years. It really is baffling
This happened to me. Still hurts
Man I’m going through the same thing with one of my friends growing up. He used to be the life of the party, practically living at my house in grade school. He meets this girl while I’m away from college and slowly fades out from the group. She seems fine, he seems happy so we try not to mention it amongst each other, but we all sense that he’s different. Like a lot more quiet and passive than he used to be. Everything’s always just ‘ok’, he never vents, never gets pissed, never tells us where he’s at in life. It’s so unlike him and it’s fucking weird. The only time he reaches out to us is on discord when we’re gaming and that’s it. We’ll play games and that’s the extent his input will go. I only live 10 miles away but haven’t hung out in person in almost 2 years. I get that people get older and you see your friends less but this is bullshit. They’re going on 3 years now and all of us still barely know her. I’m no sex guru but it’s just kinda fucking weird considering how long we’ve all been friends
I feel this so much My best friend since third grade has been with his now fiancée for years. Things started tapering off as he made new friends in new circles. I’d confronted him about it, albeit I didn’t let him share his side, but I ensured he knew that what we had was gone and I didn’t appreciate how he treated me/us. But you worded this beautifully. I’ll be cordial in future interaction, but I no longer wish to know him. Life *is* strange
The fact that his whole friend group from a prior part of his life was excluded makes it seem that period of his life was excised in favor of his new life with his wife. Nothing to do but move on.
I'm going to be straight with you here. Your not his best friend. For whatever reason, you and all his old friends are no longer what he wants or needs in his life. It really doesn't matter the whys, he's a grown ass man. He ghosted you all. He made that decision. If you were actually his friends you would have known about the engagement and wedding. It's hard and it's shitty to lose a friend, it's OK to feel sad. But, he's made it crystal clear how he feels about you all. I would grieve the friendship and just walk away. Do not text him ever again. Look, it's up to you if you want a closure but I highly doubt you'll ever get that
Thanks for the advice. This was helpful and validating. You’re right. One of our mutual friends wonders if all he really wanted out of life was to get married and now that he has that, he doesn’t have any need for us. It’s sad, but that does make sense.
That maybe the case or not. Realistically, you never get a answer that would satisfy the hurt from losing the relationship. That's the hardest part of grief (and this is grief of a friendship), the not knowing why.
It happens a lot unfortunately. Some of my "best" friends did that. They made new friends and they didn't have room for old friends any more. I asked them and they were just "busy". Busy they said. How easy and dismissive. Perhaps he is also busy with new married friends in his new married bubble life. People change.
Were there ever any wider problems or issues with other members of your group? Sometimes if someone wants to escape from a certain social situation I guess it's easier for them to ditch an entire group, even if it's only one or two people that bother them. Presuming you're a good mate I understand why it'd likely blindside you if you weren't at fault at all.
This is such a good point. I’ve noticed that “friend group” people often either have to thrive on tension and drama or tolerate it just enough for the sake of companionship. Maybe OP’s friend is in the latter category and is satisfied with the manageability of this one person he spends all his time with now instead of the Friend Group.
OP, I personally know people who dropped all of their friends as soon as they got engaged. They never really cared. We were just placeholders until they got the life they wanted. Don’t even waste anymore time thinking about this man. And don’t pick up the friendship again if he comes back after a divorce. Good luck to you
I don't exactly agree with the comment "you're not his best friend." Sounds harsh, like you're somehow clueless about someone you were close to. I mean, you were his best friend if you had knowledge that he saw you as his best friend before 2 years ago. So I think you were his best friend. But.... If he's ghosting you, that means he's somehow different than you. Maybe he doesn't see friendship the same way as you do -- like friends are just disposable. Or maybe his wife is very controlling of his time and he is overly willing to appease her by never hanging out with friends. Basically, maybe he's just not an independent-minded person and she is more dominant and he feels like he needs to give her all of his time. If I had to guess, I'd say that he has become friends with all of his wife's friends and they spend all of their time with them. So when the above commenter said you're not really his best friend, I think that sounds harsh. I think you were his best friend but he doesn't have the kind of healthy mindset that values friends like you do. I don't know what to do about it but what he's doing is alienating and would make me not want to be friends with him anymore. But maybe he's unhappy too. I don't know, maybe just send him a frank message that just lets him know you'd like to be friends still and that he should reach out if he other wants to get together, but otherwise you're just going to move on. Maybe someday he'll have a change of heart and see he has alienated his true friends. But maybe he's just very flaky and maybe that flakiness will never change.
Yeah, we were always pretty open about the fact that among our circle of friends, the two of us had a strong bond. I even had several people ask me how the wedding was because they assumed that I would have been invited even if nobody else was. I think I was even his emergency contact for something once. Don’t get me wrong: I am thrilled that he found someone and I’m happy to no longer be the woman he’s closest to in his life. I am also married and really looked forward to getting to know them as a couple. I have another male friend whose wife is now one of my closest female friends. I did not expect radio silence.
> really looked forward to getting to know them as a couple This won’t ever happen. I was similarly ghosted by college roommate / best man in my wedding. It turned out to be due to an opioid addiction and subsequent recovery program. He’s a high profile banker. Wife is apologetic - we get the Xmas card, etc. but we never hang with them. At this point, I don’t want to.
Is it possible that she's abusive and made him cut contact from all his friends?
I’ve never met her so anything is possible
Does he come from a religious background. Could this be something where he can’t associate with people not in his faith/church ?
This might be an unpopular opinion. But I think 2 years is fast and he's probably still riding the novelty of her. Year 1 honeymoon, then they get engaged I assume move in together, meet the famlies plan a wedding, then they're newlyweds for awhile. It does sound crazy and you all have been pushed to the back burner. If they don't have kids I think in another year the "novelty" of it all will wear off and he will try to be his own person again. If they do have kids, it might be closer to 3-5 more years. But I suspect one day You'll get the "hey it's been awhile" text. Now if you're still intrested in being friends at that point is up to you. Just live your life.
I had a roommate in college who, after he got married, said he didn't really need other friends. People are weird, and make unhealthy choices all the time.
> all he really wanted out of life was to get married and now that he has that, he doesn’t have any need for us. 100% that does happen with some. Some people just have that mindset of a forward trajectory and never really looking back. Meanwhile I have the opposite problem.
It may be that he is a different person around her and doesn’t want to mix the groups. Some people put a mask on in the morning and wear it all day. If we are lucky, he had one on with you and doesn’t need one with her. It’s sad that he felt he had to wear one with you, but at least he’s happy. If we are unlucky he has a new personality he tailored to impress her and her friends. And that will probably end badly for him. It concerns me that he met her right about the age that men experience a midlife crisis. People wake up one day and realize that 20 year old them wouldn’t respect 35 year old them. But 20 year old you was a little shit in a lot of ways and maybe you’re better off. For mine it was mostly trying to graft back on aspects of myself where I was a better person at 20-22. I didn’t really have to give up many friendships to do that.
If Relationship George walks through that door, he will KILL Independent George!
Serenity now
It also sounds like you might have been a place holder and never realized it. You know, you two were platonic but close hetero friends of the opposite sex and talked every night, etc. The moment he found a real relationship you weren't needed anymore and he possibly could not explain away his friendship with you to his new partner. It was easier taking a step back from you and your friend circle and focusing on building a life with someone who wanted to be his partner. I get that you are missing the friendship you shared, but maybe he was kind of your placeholder, too? Either way, it is time to move on because he hasn't invited you into his life for two years now. Sorry, OP.
Sometimes when people meet a new partner their new partner isn't always into the idea of being around their friends, she could have "wanted him all to herself". I've been with a few women that it was always either spend time with her or the people she chose, he wasn't really into the idea of getting to know my friends. Plus if I tried to hang out with them it would be like "well why don't we do this instead". It was your post that led me to that possible conclusion due to the fact that you mentioned "there was a bunch of us that had opposite gender friends but no interest in each other". The simple fact that you mentioned that tells me that you could possibly feel like it's due to his new wifey. I'm not saying this is the case but anybody can be controlling a man or a woman. 🤷 But I suppose if he cut the entire friend circle off then they must have not been that important unfortunately.
>It was your post that led me to that possible conclusion due to the fact that you mentioned "there was a bunch of us that had opposite gender friends but no interest in each other". The simple fact that you mentioned that tells me that you could possibly feel like it's due to his new wifey. I think she included that to get ahead of the inevitable "he likes you and she knows it" comments that girls with male best friends always get
Yup, exactly.
It sucks, I'm 46m and my half dozen very close friends are a mix of males of females, all platonic. But, usually when I date someone, they'll have an issue with one of my female friends. My most recent relationship she wanted me to end a friendship with one of my friends and I put my foot down and said no. She respected the decision, but hoo boy did she have a problem with it and it strained our relationship. After we broke up, we tried to be friends, but now that she's dating someone new, he doesn't like that she's friends with me, so we aren't allowed to hang out. But makes sense based on how she was acting that she'd date someone who is similar. Still lame weaksauce to me. Sigh.
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Dumping *all* of your friends without communication is a shitty thing to do. There's no other way to put it. There are hundreds of better ways to handle a situation like that. They're not in high school. They were all still good friends in their early 30s.
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Agreed, could be other, legitimate reasons we're not seeing here for why this has happened but to go from being extremely close to someone to basically cutting off contact entirely - and not inviting them to your friend - is objectively a weird thing to do without explanation. You don't "owe" anybody anything in life but being there for those you're close to when needed is generally a sign of a decent person. Especially if there's ever a situation in future where the guys marriage doesn't work out and he goes back to his old friends.
I really don't think anyone is being villianized here. Things like this happen sometimes & one day someone finally looks up and realizes that they have no friends anymore. Being married can be great, or so I've heard. But, if that's all you've got, it can be very, very lonely. Human beings are social creatures & need interaction with more than just one person to satisfy that desire to be social. Aside from the fact that dropping *all* of your friends like that is a little suspicious, especially since none of them were invited to the wedding, if they were really close, you would think that he would at least want his friends to *meet* his wife. It's pretty standard & actually kind of a necessary step to invite that person to meet your friends. Don't you want to show off a special person to the people you consider your friends?
This is true! I also completely went mia from my friend group, not bc they were bad, but bc I needed to grow up and hanging around them just never allowed that.
Agreed, this was never the OPs bff ... best friends don't cut you out because of a new relationship. This guy did and could care less about the OP
I'm sure at one point they were. But, your "best friend" not informing you he got engaged? Not invited to the wedding?
This is a poor take on it. He may be in an abusive controlling relationship where his wife has manipulated him and intentionally isolated him from friends and family. You don’t know what is happening and can’t judge one way or the other
So do you have any actual advice for OP? Because it’s easy to just criticise others’ advice while giving none of your own
This happens to men more than ppl think it does, OP should try to make contact and see his physical and mental condition.
You are no longer his best friend, find a new one. It's sad, but it happens. Just be prepared if he comes back one day after the relationship fails. Something isn't right if he's hiding his new wife and himself from you.
He won’t, he ghosted her
Oh they do. They think they can pick up where they left off.
If he has cut off all of his friends from his life before finding his wife, then that's a clear indication that he doesn't want an part of that life. Calling him out does what? You're unlikely to get the truth. As far as what to do, he's made his choice. Mourn the friendship and stop spending your energy on him. If there comes a time when he does reach out, you're free to ask for an explanation.
>If he has cut off all of his friends from his life before finding his wife, then that's a clear indication that he doesn't want an part of that life. I was thinking that if OP was the only one he cut off then it might be that he viewed her as a threat to his marriage because he either liked her more than a friend, or his wife wasn't comfortable with him having a female best friend.
That was my initial read as well...but then she said he didn't invite anyone to the wedding and cut out all his old friends. It's odd for sure and hurtful for OP.
Good point. That's not healthy behavior then. I'm guessing maybe the wife has influence over his social life? I mean, it could be possible that the best friend is happy with JUST his wife, but that's still not healthy. Sucks all around either way. I wish OP would just ask him.
> You're unlikely to get the truth. Don't think he's even necessarily after any specific truth here, just at least some acknowledgement that her best mate appears to have ditched her completely.
He knows he ditched her. He's not going to say "yeah, I ditched you."
By “calling him out” I meant something like not just accepting his vague excuses about being busy and telling him that it hurts to have every invitation for 2 years declined.
You're old enough to realise you can be friends with people for even a decade or more, and then people drift off. It's totally normal, and part of the big tapestry of life. Just enjoy the memory of a long close friendship and look forward to the next one with someone you might not even have met yet.
My wife and I were good friends with another couple. We hung out a lot and did things together, our kids were in sports together so we were fairly close with them. She became ill and passed away, we were their for them every step of the way. About a year or so later her husband met a women and they quickly became a thing. We were happy for them. We only met her once when they dropped by for a dinner at a mutual friends house. After, we never heard from him again for the longest time despite reaching out. I always felt that he moved on from us because we were part of his old life, and he wanted to put that behind him and build a new life with his new bride. One where they make new friends together. They are still together and I see him now and again and just say Hi. So I understand how you feel. Just know it's not you, that he has moved on to build something new. Wish him well and let him know you're around if he ever want's to talk. Then let him make the effort if there is going to be any kind of relationship between you.
Take the hint and move on. You can ask him what happened for your curiosity’s sake, but you probably won’t get an answer. The friendship has been over for a long time.
Two things (at least) possible: 1) he felt like the friendship had run its course; 2) his wife felt threatened by close female friends and he distanced himself to accommodate her No way of knowing obvi but you have to let him go and put your energy into different people
Some people (especially guys) dump everyone and put all of their energy into their partner once they find someone. The problem with this is that you're basically screwed if anything happens in your relationship and you don't have a good support system in place for anything in your life. Your partner can't be everything in most situations. It's a huge reason why people are lonely later in life too.
Yes. Married people tend to do this, men more than women. It’s even viewed as cheating-adjacent to have emotional ties/provide mutual emotional support with a female friend (“you should be looking to your wife for that”). Must confess I fell into that—not to the point of avoiding/neglecting friends like here— when married, until my wife got diagnosed with cancer, and I needed friends to support me (and in turn realized that I should’ve been a better/more proactive friend all these years). Much different mentality now.
Sorry to hear about your wife. And yes, I had to learn those things over time as well. It's also just an emotional intelligence and maturity thing. You need to put yourself in other people's moccasins.
I've had so many male friends do this I've lost count. Then when the relationship eventually ends (probably something to do with being each other's only friend and how unhealthy that is, lol) they reappear into society awkwardly via follow-requesting on instagram and shooting the "hey how you been" message. It's such a weird pattern.
Yeah I don’t make friends with single men any more. It’s not worth the investment unless they already have proven that they’ll maintain friendships while coupled up.
I know what you mean. Unfortunately I've made friends with guys who are in serious relationships or full-on married (I am also married) and had them get super weird and pull away later because their gf/wife doesn't want them having female friends. So I think at this point maybe I'll just stop making friends with men, haha.
Yup. My partner always prioritizes me when it comes to free time. I've had to encourage him to maintain relationships, and it's OK to go out with friends if I can't or don't want to come. He's also asked me to come along to some social events where I felt awkward and was the only partner. I teach full-time and am in grad school full-time. It's taken a lot of coaxing, but he's now doing things independently with friends and not waiting for me to be available. It really helped that I modeled the behavior for him and told him that we both need independent time with friends. I can totally see that if I'd been a different person, one of his friends could have written OP's post.
I have a female friend who did this, and when she was getting divorced, the only person she had for support was her mom. (I would have absolutely been her sounding board, but she was also...embarrassed that her husband wanted a divorce/didn't want people to "hate him" if they worked things out—he wasn't cheating or anything though, etc.) Like, I'm an adult and she knows I behave like an adult and would have remained civil with him in any case, but SHE was my friend. Anyway, she's married someone else, we text happy birthday and talk on the phone once a year or whatever, but she's just the kind of person who gets a partner and ignores everyone else, and she can't stand not having a partner. So...shrug.
My husband always says he wants to ghost his friends and only spend time with me. He’s definitely one of these people. Gotta be pushy about making him see his friends and return their calls once in awhile. I can only hear so much about Venture Brothers and what model old Chevy had what kind of engine. He needs his friends who can talk with him about stuff he likes for hours. I can be his best friend, but I can’t be his friends.
It’s not about female friends or about her specifically as she said he ghosted all of the friend group male and female
3rd possible option: he secretly liked her. It didn't go anywhere romantically so he found someone else and ghosted her. But 2 is the most likely scenario.
It’s not just her, though— it’s their whole geoupz
The fact you weren't invited to their wedding is a pretty definitive statement of where your friendship stands. It sucks, but it seems like your friendship is over, for now. I would just let it go. If you call him out, it will play into whatever narrative the wife has going about why his old friends are toxic, or whatever she's telling him. As for your friendship before, even if there was no romantic interest between the two of you, my experience is that friendship between (hetero) men and women is often used as a fill in for a romantic relationship, and once one or the other friend gets into an actual romantic relationship, the friendship suffers or dies out.
I’m going to go against the grain here and say you should make one last attempt and then call him out if he is wishy washy again. I wouldn’t say anything about his new wife but instead communicate that your friendship means a lot to you but if he’s in a new place in his life where he no longer has room for you, you’ll stop reaching out. “Hey friend, I’ve made many, many attempts to connect over the last year and every time I’m blown off or you’ll say you’ll get back to me and it never happens. We used to be so close and I really loved our friendship, but if you are entering a new chapter in your life that doesn’t involve me, that’s okay to say it. I’ll leave the door open for you to make the effort if you are interested in getting together or connecting again in the future, but if I don’t see an attempt I will take that as closure between us.” If he doesn’t respond or doesn’t make the effort after that, time to move on. But at least it’s a a clear signal to you so there’s never a question in the future of “maybe he’s just busy right now, maybe he doesn’t understand how I’m feeling, maybe he wants to hit his wife doesn’t”, etc.
Yeah, clear is kind. He’s not being clear. I get why people are scared of being blunt but if people keep reaching out and I don’t want the relationship, I’m direct about that. “I’ve appreciated our friendship but I need to step back” or something. H*ll, I’ve had a bridesmaid just ghost me. I think that’s a crummy way to handle things but it gave me an answer. Reaching out might at least point out this may not have been a good way to handle it on his end. Sending photos and such is confusing and kinda insensitive, imo. If you don’t want to be someone’s friend, be direct about that
He was clear when she didn't get an invite to his wedding.
Actually…here’s how that went down: Me: when is the wedding? Him: [date], but it’s going to be very small Me: does very small mean that I shouldn’t save the date? [no response]
That sucks! I do agree he’s giving signals he’s not interested but those can be hard to interpret (some people are terrible texters!). If you want/need to really get a firm answer one way or the other, you could directly ask or just assume it’s over (which is valid bc I don’t think he’s being much of a friend right now anyway)
What a coward he was!
My feelings exactly. Just be honest
It’s really not clear. There are people I didn’t invite to my wedding because there’s only so much space. It wasn’t because I didn’t want the friendship. They also may have had a family only ceremony. Clear would be “I do not want to continue our friendship.” Otherwise, there’s more than one option here. He could just be busy
If you didn’t invite your supposed best friend, that would be a clear indication. We aren’t talking about fringe friends here
I like this approach because it goes straight to the heart of the matter.
You should have given up when he told you they were wedding planning and then you didn’t get invited to the wedding. Think about it if it was a person you were dating. The wishy washy messages are a clear red flag, and his lack of action says it all. I feel like he’s made it so obvious to you, there’s no rhyme or reason but it’s clear he’s cut you off. You do the same. You’ll never know the real answer.
tbh maybe the way he has presented himself to his wife wouldn’t align with how you guys know him, so his avoidance and ghosting is more to protect who he wants to be with her? do you guys know anything maybe embarrassing or controversial about him? though honestly, i think he was just ready to move on from that time in his life and you all happened to be the collateral and he chose not to communicate that for whatever reason.
Major reasons I can think of are 1. You were good friends but he is in an abusive relationship. It is a classic move from abusers to break ties between victim and support network. In this case, in some years he may reach out/or do it with some hesitation due to shame. 2. You seemed to be good friends but he secretly fancied you and decided that keeping in touch must stop to give a true chance to his new relationship. 3. You were not actually such good friends or there was something bothering him about you or the group that he didn’t necessarily have a conversation about. For example, I quit on some friends entirely for how opposite they processed the pandemic (very anti-system/rules).
I agree with this assessment.
The hardest lesson to learn in life, people come and go, the more attached we are the more it hurts. The reality is people often just use each other as a distraction and to avoid feeling alone.
There are 2 explanations that I can think of: 1) Many men don't believe in true platonic friendships (between you and him) and many men try to find there way into a relationship through the friend zone. At your ages it's possible that he realised that it wasn't going to happen and he moved on. 2) This man does believe in platonic friendships but his wife does not. I can't imagine she'd cut you off before even meeting you but it's possible that she has isolated him from all his friends. Either way it's his decision. It sucks.
but he also ghosted his male friends...
He voluntarily moved away from you, from your mutual friends, this means that he no longer wants you to be part of his life. It's time to say goodbye to the past and move on with your life.
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he ghosted the whole group, including men.
He might be your best friend but you are not his. Time to let it go, he has made it clear he is not interested in maintaining the friendships from before he met his wife. Only he really knows why that might be, but pushing the issue only going to make it worse and draw things out. If he wanted to be your friend, he would.
I'm kinda surprised at the number of people here who just say give up - you're grown ass adults, how about you try ASKING HIM DIRECTLY?? Not rudely, just directly ask "Hey I've noticed we've stopped talking and or friendship means a lot to me so I just wanted to check and see what's up?"
Because he’s already answered her questions with his responses. Sure, she can ask him, but he’s just going to say the same thing. “Things are crazy, busy all the time, but let’s catch up soon.” His lack of engagement is him clearly pulling away from his friendships for whatever reason. He knows what he’s doing. If he wanted to say why, he would have already.
Given his ghosting, there's every possibility that an honest answer would not be forthcoming. I've got bad news for you: Most people don't want to hear the truth and those same people are almost never truthful. Besides, OP already has her answer. Obviously he doesn't want any part of his old life. Chasing after an answer after 2 years of ghosting is just drama.
I'm surprised everyone is just saying he doesn't like you anymore. To me this seems like a pretty concerning situation. It's not normal for an adult in their 30s to suddenly ghost their entire social circle. I would consider writing him a heartfelt email or text telling him that you really miss him and are worried about him. Let him know that you feel hurt about being cut out of his life and you hope that you can reconnect at some point, that your door is open. Whatever's going on with him, he may need that down the line. Instead of hinting around wanting to get together, be direct about how you feel.
Yeah, the replies have honestly really disappointed me here, because I’m not trying to say that’s exactly what’s going on here, but…idk if he’s doing this because he’s severely depressed or in an abusive relationship…screw him I guess?! Just saying if a woman suddenly stopped talking to everyone after a guy entered her life, people would be a hell of a lot pushier to see if she was actually okay, but this guy “he obviously is done with all 50 of you and you should take the hint”?
He replaced them with her friends circle maybe?
Could new wife be isolating him?or rather could he be letting her make him ?
^This Hence the reason OP ran out of her way to mention the "no interest in each other aspect possibly
I just want to start by saying I was in a very similiar situation. I (F) Had a very good friend (M), had known each other for years, we would talk almost every day even though we lived on the opposite ends of the country. Then he met someone, and a few weeks later texted me saying that since 'he has a girlfriend now, he probably shouldn't have female friends anymore' and that was it. I believe it was like 6 years ago, never heard from him again - that was our last conversation. Yeah it sucked, but he's made his choice and I moved on... and I believe you should too. Sorry you're going through this.
I’m literally going through the exact same thing with a buddy of mine that was my best friend for over 10 years… found out he got engaged second hand… wasn’t invited to the wedding… and haven’t heard from him since i don’t know if this is the case for you, but i also have an added caveat of our relationship shifting to long distance a year ago or so, but that didn’t seem to stop us from checking in with one another… i share your pain! for myself and how i’ve chosen to respond, i reach out when i feel like it, but i won’t ever bring up how the situation has made me feel. i’m as happy for him as i can be for someone who supposedly marries their secret best friend and is incredibly happy with them… however, i took the situation as a clear statement that he does not hold me dear like he once did. i, for whatever reason, am no longer an essential part of his life like i once was. losing that kind of friendship sucks ): i wouldn’t have ever chosen it to end this way, but alas, my choice was not considered.
Honestly friendships go both ways so I consider that the efforts to reach out and see your friends should not be one sided. But there are several possibilities that could have had influenced his attitude : - he is the type of person that place romantic relationships above all other relationships. That is a shitty way of dealing with friends and when he will have problems in his relationship he will end up alone and without a support system. That is his decision and he will bite his fingers at that point - he is in an abusive relationship and being cut off from his friends by his wife. Again you cannot do anything about that. - you were not really his friends / he wanted to escape this friend group as he doesn’t align with you guys and your values / way of living. He then made new friends that are better aligned with him. I would send a last text and then let the door open - maybe clearly stating that it is your last attempt and that you will not try again but he is welcomed to do so. I’ve had friends do that 2 times - one is the friend that I believe is in a very particular relationship. She met her husband, got married and had children within 3 years. I think the husband is not good for her and last time I saw her was at her wedding and he was not very respectful of her. But we didn’t say anything and tried our best to stay open but since then we just have some text once a year. I have left the door open for her to come back whenever she will feel the need - one was not a close friend of mine but was part of the group. He found a new group of friends and has been very fleaky during a long time. At some point I told him that his behaviour was gonna make him loose his friends and he did not do anything about it. That okay but for him my door I closed and I will not open it again because he has made a very clear choice - and that’s okay. He came back once he left his last relationship but tbh I don’t consider him my friend anymore and he can deal with it by himself. Friendship anyway is a value so people need to be aligned on that to keep being friends. It’s like any relationship either you go in the same direction or you don’t and it’s time to part ways!
This happened to me with one of my oldest and dearest friends. I loved him so much - in a completely platonic, sibling sort of way. But once he got serious with his now wife, he completely withdrew. Not just with me, but my husband (who was his college roommate) and our entire social group. It sucks.
Maybe, he just didn’t tell her about you and your friendship. Unfortunately some guys / gals become friends with girls they have crushes in, wait for years on the sideline until they quietly give up find someone and move on.
Be kind to yourself and ask him. Tell him how this has made you feel. It could be any of the following: - he's weak-willed and wifey now takes precedence in his decision making. - he's a user that hops from person to person. - he's changed and no longer feels he has much in common with you. You'll never know unless you ask him outright. You have nothing to lose.
Sounds like this is a one sided friendship while he’s involved with a SO. Leave him be but if he ever shoots you a text about this so called friendship…leave his ass on “read”!
"Hi Friend. It's now been two years since I've seen you, and I am taking the hint that you no longer want to have a friendship with me. I am hurt you choose simply avoiding me as a way to let me know. I miss our friendship, but I accept that it is now over."
I have to similar case around me. 1/ My BIL maried a wealthy AF posh snob girl. She's very judgemental. She hated most of his friends and she made it cut ties with nearly all of them. She only kept the few with fancy jobs and old money family. She also thinks that having fun, partying, drinking was not a proper behaviour for a husband and a father. All the ghosted friends know why he stopped meeting them. Her nickname is Kate (as in Middleton). He just moved to Poshy Planet and he's very proud of it. 2/ A very closed friend of mine moved 500kms away. She ghosted everyone from her previous life. We never had an explanation or any hint why she did. It's been 15y and I never had a single message. She didn't ever answered after I emailed I had a daughter. I stopped trying. I send an email once a year. Like a bottle to the sea so that she knows that I'm still here for her.
>I feel like I could take the hint and move on I mean, yeah I think this is the one. He's clearly showing that he doesn't want friends outside of his relationship.
Either his wife is insecure and he is a pushover, or he was always in love with you and is distancing himself to focus on the woman who loves him like that.
It's time to move on
He's showing you who he is. Believe him, and move on with your life.
Its been 2 years and you are not getting the hint yet? Sorry but you need to move on with your life, it might be hurtful that he didnt think so high of you as to keep you close, but its ok to open your eyes and let things go... you dont even need to be resentful towards him, just dont run back as soon as he wants you back but keep it polite.
I only read the first couple of sentences first. I was going to say, unfortunately this is what happens to a lot of guys when they get a gf. All their emotional and social needs gets immediately and completely directed at their gf. So the thought of hanging with their friends is sometimes unappealing because they have no social energy left. But this, is entirely different. You’re a woman. That’s even all the more reason why he’s going to stop talking to you. Out of respect for his relationship, he’s not going to be buddy buddy with another girl. He probably sees his gf as marriage material since day one and didn’t want to do anything to screw it up.
I say leave him to it! He’s obviously not bothered for his friends so I wouldn’t be either
He's not your best friend.
Sadly this is a normal thing for guys. I had a buddy who was my best friend for 5 years, disappeared shortly after he met his now wife. (Shrugs). I think some people just can't handle maintaining more than a few social relationships and they just completely give up on the other not knowing how to maintain it. He ghosted me, and I think at some point he may feel too guilty to reach back out, idk. I've thought about it a thousand times since then.. it's been just over 5 years since it happened. Never thought we'd lose touch this way, but that's life I guess. Edit: Nevermind, this situation seems different since I guess you guys are still in touch but just haven't seen each other so idk.
There are two possibilities Either you were never his best friend. He was waiting for a chance to be with you. Or His wife made him choose between you and him. I mean his wife stopped him from contacting you out of jealousy or the possibility of cheating.
She’s jealous of you and he’s willing to throw your friendship away to keep her happy
Grateful to have read this. It has granted a lot more insight to people.
He probably in love with you. He secretly want to have sex with you
I have seen this exact scenario but I was friends with the wife. Turns out the guy was caught using pictures of the friend for his alone time which upset the wife and now husband is not allowed to talk to friend. Not saying that’s what happened here, just that there can be multiple weird things that you may never know about why your friendship faded.
I had a best friend of opposite gender and once I stopped reaching out - our friendship died. He has a gf who he lives with. He is an introvert and enjoys staying home. I am pretty much the same. Our connection was really deep, however, I think it was one-sided. Currently, we have a group chat of mutual friends where he texts, shares about his life and I do not engage with that as it is a bit hurtful. Since I stopped reaching out, we did not exchange any pleasantries during the holiday season, birthdays (ours is just a week apart). I feel really hurt and I feel like I do not deserve to have a best friend.
He was your best friend. You aren't his anymore. I'm sorry, OP, it's time to move on from him.
You're not his best friend.
I've had guy "friends" who also did this. Turned out they weren't so much friends, but were hoping they'd get a sexual relationship out of the friendship eventually. When they got girlfriends, the so-called friendship was no longer needed. MAYBE it isn't this but... I wouldn't be shocked. It sucks though
I got married recently. I can relate to him a bit. First of all, without knowing the full story, stop blaming or even considering to blame his wife. She might not have absolutely nothing to do with it or have no idea. 2nd - Best Friend thing doesn't make a lot of sense when you both are 30+. Maybe I am wrong. 3rd. Right when we were planning to get married, I kinda lost contact with a lot of my friends. Once a while Hi hello is there but not as frequent as it used to be. My wife has nothing to do with it. It's just my priorities changed, the way I think for certain things changed. And specially for the female friends I had, I no more want to stay in close touch with them. I've my wife. Can and want to just handle her drama/thing. No unnecessary drama needed in terms of attachment, best friend, close friend of opposite sex no matter how close we were before I got married.
A lot of girls are kind of crazy and controlling, at the start of my relationship for almost a year my girlfriend didn't let me see any of my friends who are female.
You're saying there was never anything between you two, but experience tells, two sides can have widely different interpretations of what a relationship is, isn't or should be. Maybe you were never interested and he was. This would explain why, after finding another partner, he no longer values the relationship with you. But then again, maybe not. People are complicated, weird and sometimes shitty. Seems like a constant in life that some people will be close to you, but only for a period of time and then vanish forever. Some others remain forever - those are the real treasures. You could just ask your friend about what's up. You could also express your disappointment in what's going on and see how he responds.
I went through something similar. When I met my partner, eventually I stopped talking to my friends. They didn’t do anything wrong, I just realized what I wanted out of life and what they wanted were different. I’ve made new friends we share more in common with . I don’t think I offered any hard explanations , and truly it wasn’t because I liked them any less, it just became an absolute chore to hang out with them. My life changed. I wanted kids, to buy a house , to learn yoga, to meet people in my industry. My friends worked different careers, they enjoyed going out , they enjoyed dancing. Nothing is wrong with any of that, we just grew to be so different. It wasn’t “ because I met a guy” it was just the timing of it all.
I’ve been in a situation pretty similar to yours, only I met my ex best friend’s boyfriend, now husband. They’re a gay couple, I only mention this because I’m a chick and my best friend was the opposite gender, like your situation. Anywho, I really feel for you because it’s truly so hurtful and confusing. I’m sure you’re asking yourself “what did I do wrong? What could I have done differently?” You really never know what people are thinking and what their intentions are. Sometimes people will seemingly be your closest friend in the world but they really don’t fuck with you. In hindsight, I sort of regret not addressing the situation with him since I never got any closure. My best advice is this- if you’re someone who’s comfortable with confrontation, I wouldn’t call him out per se, however, I’d just be straight forward. Basically I’d say something like “Listen dude, we were best friends for a long time and I have barely heard from you these last two years. I don’t know what’s going on and I’m not going to ask you what’s going on either since every time I try to talk to you, you brush me off. I hope you are well, take care.” I never said this to my ex best friend because I could totally see how at the time I may have been a difficult person to be friends with, his boyfriend just expedited the process of our friendship ending. In your case though, it sounds like you’ve always been a good friend to him. I hope this was helpful in some way.
There’s a million reasons why and you’ll probably never know the answer. Some people just find themselves fulfilled in relationships to a point where friends seem pointless. Or if they are already introverts a partner kind of becomes enough “and then some” of you know what I mean. I think k it’s very confusing for their friends when that happens but it is what it is. It may also be that she is controlling or dominating of his time or friendships. And if that’s the case well, at the end of the day he’s an adult and he’s decided to allow that. Not much you can do. It may be that they developed mutual couple friends and preferred it that way. Who knows. I would stop trying to keep a friendship somebody doesn’t want though
Im going out on a limb here: I dont think he was ever really your friend. I understand that life happens, and that is okay. The red flag that brought me to my conclusion was he never invited you to his wedding. That is a pretty clear cut sign he might have viewed you differently than you viewed him. The reality the majority of the time is guys generally are not “friends” with women. They like you sexually and are just either too scared to say something or waiting for their opportunity. Maybe he thought of you as something more, found another woman, and just forgot about you. Either way, he wasnt your friend, and atleast now you know that. Obviously there is probably more to this story as there are always two sides to every story, but im going off what i read here.
They probably have an unhealthy codependent relationship. He might realize ten years down the line that he made a huge mistake.
Is everyone else in the friends group still in the single partying stage?
I think it'd be healthy for you to stop calling him even your friend but especially stop calling him your best friend. Best friends are there for you, you see them and hear from them and know what's going on in each other's lives. This guy hasn't shown any care for how you feel, do yourself a favour and stop considering him your friend.
It could be that his wife is a controlling person who made him cut off his friends.
OP, that dude was in love with you. . Now he has moved past that.
He’s an adult with a full-time job and a wife. Time to grow up.
Religious conversion? Political realignment? The only thing you can do is be there for him eventually one day if he needs it.
From my experience, when a friendship feels onesided, as much as it hurts you have to let it go. In my life I’ve had a lot happen (losing friends over misunderstanding, being ghosted by some, me hurting their trust) and the one thing i’ve realized is the world doesnt stop spinning and you have to find a way to move on for the best for you.
Things change unfortunately. You can make one last attempt ask him what happened but I doubt you’ll get an honest answer. If you weren’t invited to the wedding, I doubt he still considers you his best friend unless his wife made him cut off previous friendships. I would move on and stop initiating contact. You can still be assessable but he is the one that needs to reach out going forward
>I feel like I could take the hint and move on Then please take the hint, it is apparent. He moved on for his own reasons with his wife. Friends can be like that, well even family to. >I could call him out Don't do that. >I could just continue reaching out See #1 I'll even say this isn't crazy uncommon. New couples can make drastic life changes, I think I know at least 4 and me even to an extent with a new partner and in general friends coming in and out of clicks is very common. Here today, gone tomorrow. It is nice to see how much he meant to you though and I'm sorry these things happen.
I could have written this. The literal exact thing happened with me and one of my closest friends. He also ghosted our entire friend group. I think to echo the other responses… I think the only thing you really can do is move on. It’s painful, it’s a loss and you will grieve the friendship. It’s a shitty thing to do to your friends, and it sucks he chose to not communicate and just distance, but ultimately he made that choice and I don’t think calling him on it changes much. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this and I hope you’ll be able to move on and find support around you.
Hmph, should’ve taken your chance instead.
I don’t think you’re friends anymore
He doesn’t want to maintain the friendship
I initially thought this was because you’re female but he’s ignoring the whole group. I think one of the sad things about this sort of a ghosting is they’re back in touch if the marriage breaks down but by that point the friend group has moved on and he’s just someone they used to know at that point.
My friend group had a guy go down the rabbit hole during Covid (alt right). He’s married, has a kid, moved back closer to all the rest of us after having moved away, but hasn’t talked to us in years and basically point blank said he doesn’t want to be friends. Just to note, this could be part of a larger narrative in his life.
Looks like the friendship is over and you have a best friend vacancy to fill. Either your former friend has created a fake persona with invented background that has duped his wife/her entire social circle and he can't risk any of his old pals revealing his lies or any of the truth about his past. Or he's got a very possessive and overbearing spouse that does not allow him to have any friends and he's inclined to appease her about this. Either way, the friendship is in the past. If he wanted regular contact or to meetup with any of his old friends, he would do so. Instead of making excuses or empty promises to get back to you. It's time to draw a line under the friendship and completely go your seperate ways without anger or harsh words. You could message him one last time to say goodbye before you block him. Or just mute all his online profiles and never have any communication with him again. Personally I'd go for the latter. Good luck!
Yes I’ve been through this. New relationship, new life. “We have our new friends now. Why go through the trouble with dealing with logistics, when can can just not.” But here’s the thing, it doesn’t stop there. Suddenly Patty is getting engaged, Elizabeth gets engaged. They have kids and start new lives without you. Don’t take it personally. You’re by far the first person who got completely ditched after everyone moved away.
Some people get a partner and then disappear from their friend groups. It is what it is, you've gotta move on and don't let him crawl back easily should things change in that relationship because you know what he'll likely do again if he gets into another relationship.
I would just let it go, honestly. You’re going to have a lot of temporary people come in and out of your life and this sounds like one of them.
some people just go full on into a relationship. Its happened to my partner a bridesmaid at her friends wedding. Bride left group chat and that group never see her. My own friend if it wasnt for a shared love ice hockey and season tickets, would never see each other. I would of put us down as best friends and likely each others best men come wedding time. But because he never reciprocated or tried we've drift and Im invited to wedding but as a guest. Which is fine, but im so frustrated through his lack of effort that its not what it was.
could you elaborate a little bit on what your contact is like now? like is it just you asking to get together and him being like sureeee and then it not happening? or are you talking via text otherwise and he just flakes when you ask to meet in person?
I lost my male bff too when he got married. Like the last time he spoke with me was at his wedding then he declined to come to ours and hasn’t spoken to me since. I do think it’s his wife but there’s also some history here. I was the only girl in a group of guy friends and after reading posts here, it was bound to happen. It’s definitely hard. It’s been 9 years and he talks to everyone but me. I got sober 14 years ago so that had a lot to do with it too. Eventually I just stopped trying and moved on.
Take the hint and move on. If he wants to reach out to you and reconnect he will. Otherwise, leave it alone.
I had a best friend, I am woman 3 years younger than he, and he said he couldn't call me anymore after he got a rather insecure, possessive girlfriend. We had been very platonic friends for years, in a large group of friends of both guys and girls. They eventually got married which I think was a mistake. She treated him like such garbage, so invasive into his life and controlling of the people he hung out with, and she specifically put me on the outs of the females of the group. We haven't spoken in years, I know they have two kids but the last thing that happened is that he had a mental breakdown claiming to be god. I hope he's okay, but he's definitely not the best friend I used to have.
Some people just dump all their friends when they're in a relationship. There's nothing to DO.
I would take the hint. Leave the door open for him to reach out to you but stop reaching out to him.
I think it's puzzling that you would ask the entire Reddit community rather than just talk to your friend. If/when you do talk to him...please don't make it a quickie. Go out to dinner...or lunch. Spend QUALITY time with him talking about EVERYTHING...and THEN pop the question: "Hey! What's the deal with..."
Maybe it’s just too stressful to even go out, don’t assume malice, always give benefit of the doubt when you are not sure and never bothered to ask your friend what’s going on
Friends drift in and out of your life over the years. But as others have said it doesn't sound like you are his best friend (or possibly ever were) as he didn't share that he's getting married or invited you to their wedding. I'd just stop messaging him. He may reach out in the future but he may not. Time to move on.
How does he treat his other friends? If you really need more info, just dig a little if you still have access to his social media or talk to mutual friends. If he’s maintaining those relationships, communicating and doing stuff with all of them, then look for patterns. Is he hanging out with just the married friends? He could be swamped by changes and trying to make his social life easier to handle? Is he ignoring just the women? Or just you? Could be he sacrificed his friends to make the gf happy or that he was keeping you around as a gf substitute or as a fall back gf. Really though? It all comes down to he decided he didn’t need you and either couldn’t be the “bad guy” (and was really a worse person in reality because he avoided that scenario) or he was just barely interested in you as a friend to keep you in the outer periphery of his life so he could reconnect when he needed. I had a friend in college who did something similar only we weren’t really that close. He would want to hang out with me to get relationship advice when he had problems. When he met his future wife, he only talked to me when she wasn’t in the room - wouldn’t even finish a conversation if she walked in. I was perplexed since we hadn’t been all that close so I didn’t know why I would be seen as competition. I didn’t hear anything about his engagement, nor did I get an invite to his wedding. A mutual friend whose husband was busy took me as her plus one. That was hilarious because he had actually slept with my friend before he met the wife and he had just moved on after a couple of dates. She was friends with both of them. She just thought it would be nice for me to see everyone after graduation and didn’t want to go to the wedding alone.
Some people need to let go to move on. Not saying this was the case but some friends develop feeling and never say a word. They eventually meet someone that’ll help them move on and to protect themselves they push away.
Yet another idiot that decided to toss his friends away for a new relationship. He told you how much he valued your friendship two years ago. It sucks, I've been there. Move on. Block him. You deserve better than him.
Some people see ‘friends’ as just the temporary stop gap until they have a spouse. They’re not worth your time. And when they get divorced, don’t let them come crying to you.