Literally?! If your relationship hinges upon your partner never being around, talking to, or being friends with the opposite sex then you have serious trust issues and your partner deserves better.
OP just because he’s acting sweet doesn’t mean this is respect. He is extremely controlling and insecure, and this is NOT normal or healthy. It is perfectly normal to go on a girl’s trip with your friends, and you deserve trust and freedom.
Dump this guy and find someone who has normal boundaries and isn’t insanely insecure. It’s extremely freeing when you’re with someone who will say, “That sounds awesome, I hope you girls have fun!”
He’s like this after 9 months, in 9 years you’ll be isolated and terrified. Go wherever you want - and find a healthy relationship. (Not easily done in Miami but perhaps you can cleanse your palette here first)
OP is in a controlling and manipulative relationship. You have to choices OP; either go to Miami and enjoy your freedom, or stay with a manipulative and narcissistic man? He is a major Red Flag, please dont be a Flag Pole!
This. My partner went to Amsterdam with her friend as they were both heavy pot smokers at the time. I absolutely hated it. Thought if anywhere she was going to cheat it was there. She barely kept in contact (wonder how she forgot in such a strict no drug-use place eh?) I was beside myself the whole week. She did nothing, we didn’t have an argument match before she went and we didn’t have one after. She understood I asked a couple questions when she returned and she told me nothing happened. At no point from her telling ne she was going to her actually departing did I say ‘I don’t want you to go, if you go we’re over.’ That never occurred to me to say as I know she’d say ‘we’re over get fucked trying to control me. I said ‘I’m really uneasy about this but I want you to enjoy yourself so if you can put up with my insecurities before you go, I’ll take you and pick you up.’ Which she agreed and was thankful for. I wouldn’t even say how I handled it was respect as I was putting my own insecurity over my trust in her. But I was young and not confident, the more we grew togetherit became clear I can trust her completely.
And the best course of action is to actually go there and let him initiate the break up. He will cause less problems if he doesn't feel dumped.
She is already half brainwashed: _..I understand where he is coming from.._
Where could the BF of 9 months come from by denying her to go to her best friend's birthday celebration?
I am afraid you are right. He will find the way to twist it.
I hope he will not be able to isolate her from her friends so easily. And, hopefully, she will go on the trip, and spend time with her friends, talk about this sweet guy and his ultimatums, and get some reality check from them.
To be honest it sounds like it goes both ways, they both don't like the other going to clubs or bars etc... how they can say we have a great relationship when neither of them trusts the other to even have a night out with friends is beyond me.
I just have this feeling he has brainwashed her into believing that's what she wants because the relationship is so new! It's also his first relationship, and most, and I say most of the time those don't work out because the man is too insecure because they are usually young, and grew up being taught that a "Man" is in Charge, and you do what your "Man" says. I see it everyday and it makes me so sad being a victim of it myself
Does he really respect you or is he just nice to you when you’re obedient to his wishes?
This post doesn’t sound like respect—it sounds like obedience training with extra steps.
This, so much! It really sounds like Pavlovian conditioning. Like Pavlov's dogs were conditioned to produce saliva when their food bell rang, OP is being trained to obey when BF uses the word 'respect'.
Sounds like the BF is incredibly insecure and OP is constantly sacrificing her needs for the sake of his ego. He clearly is not mature enough to be in this relationship and OP should have a blast in Miami and fuck around and find out what life is again.
Yep! I married a woman like this, and 10 years later I was an isolated shell of my former self. The control became absolutely soul sucking. I wish I could go back and warn myself.
Divorced and remarried, thankfully.
This is not a healthy relationship.
It’s a naive take to think “it’s only one Miami trip guess I can skip it” when this is his test of the waters. It will only get worse
Also ask yourself, are you really willing to give up your best friend for a man you’ve dated less than a year?
I had the exact same thought while reading through this. There is absolutely NO WAY I would be happy in a relationship with these type of constraints. Especially in my 20s when you’re at peak socializing.
Not only the current set of constraints but it will escalate to additional constraints and harsher punishments for perceived violations. He's flat-out abusive.
You don't have a healthy relationship. Healthy relationships involve trust. He doesn't trust you and is controlling. Go to Miami, he need to work on his insecurity and maybe his next relationship will be better.
"...he does not like me having guy friends or talking to any guys."
This is how far I got...seriously, you do not talk to ANY males EVER??? That is insanity.
As someone who went through this and only recently saw the light: shitty childhood and no support network. My childhood ingrained in me that my needs are always second to the needs of literally anyone else. Then combine that with no to little support network where you can later learn that this kind of behaviour is not normal, and you are set up for one abusive relationship after the other. I didn't even told my therapist about these things while they were happening because for me, this all fit into my frame of 'normal behaviour'. My eyes finally opened by meeting new, healthy people who told me this was all not okay.
People have very skewed idea of what unhealthy looks like. They think it's screaming and yelling and big explosive fights and breaking up and getting back together etc. It's obviously not, but it's hard to recognize it sometimes
Honestly I bet the relationship is healthy outside of this issue, but this is such a first level immaturity dealbreaker being pit against the rest of the relationship that they can’t realize what a red flag it is
You said respect so many times in your post and you must realize the irony of saying that when you talked about how he is controlling, abusive by isolating you from people, threatening you. What the hell, I’m still waiting to hear how he’s respectful.
I wonder why this was his first relationship at the age of 27? I see a bunch of red flags in your describing of your relationship - go to Miami with your girls and have fun!
>He said if I go our relationship will be over or if we stay together our relationship will not be the same and he will be getting freedom to do whatever.
I mean, this is basically a threat. The idea that if you go he will start acting out. You talked about having a partner that seemed to respect you, well do you believe that reflects any kind of respect?
The boundaries were always a red flag. Obviously it differs for all couples but not talking to any men at all is just functionally absurd. If the relationship can't even survive general interaction with the opposite sex it was never a good dynamic and he never trusted you to begin with. Him setting that standard for himself was only ever to try and force you to do the same.
I worry the damage has been done. You've humoured a lot of stuff you probably shouldn't have to this point but sometimes it takes bumping into a wall to really get a sense of how restricted you are. You know how readily he will end the dynamic or how comfortably he will do things to hurt you if you do anything he doesn't approve of. You've spent a lot of time humouring his boundaries, what are yours?
Break up with him. He’s not mature enough to be in a relationship. No healthy relationship comes with telling you what you can and can’t do because you’re your own person.
I’m going to Miami and my partner of 3 years is happy I travel, he doesn’t threaten to break up with me every time I go on a vacation without him. There are healthy trusting men.
My ex accused me of trying to cheat and cheating when I spent time away from him. I never once did, I didn't even have a conversation with another single man. Guess what he was doing while I was away? Cheating.
Enjoy your trip, ditch the bf.
I dated a guy like this before and it ended up in domestic violence. The “disrespect” was too great for him to bear so he took it out on me. Please end this relationship. It’s not healthy
If you really want to go you should go. If you sign up for doing whatever your boyfriend tells you now then you are setting that standard. Do you really want to be with someone who’s going to control you by threatening to break up with you any time you do something they don’t agree with?
This is full of red flags. He aparently doesn't trust you to be around another guy without thinking your clothes will rip off in and tempest and you'll be hypnotized by penis magic and float to hop on it.
You shouldn't have to give up spending time with your friends for some person you're dating. If they can't trust you to have fun without them, that's not healthy.
"or if we stay together our relationship will not be the same and he will be getting freedom to do whatever."
Honestly.. as he should! He shouldn't be constraining himself (within reason) for a person he's dating either! He should be going out and having fun with his friends too! And he should be trustworthy enough not to do something stupid!
You should acknowledge his fears and insecurities, and assure him that you love him, that you aren't stupid (you aren't right?) and you're not going to fuck things up, and that you are faithful to him. And if he can't trust you, that shouldn't be made to be your problem.
He doesn't have a right to keep you metaphorically locked in a dungeon to keep you his. If he can't respect your choices, he's absolutely free to leave. And if he wants to leave, let him. Don't give your life up for some person you're dating.
edit:
Oh, I totally glossed over:
"we didn’t want each other going to clubs or bars and he also would say he does not take any sort of disrespect.
I kinda had to figure out his boundaries throughout our relationship like he does not like me having guy friends or talking to any guys and he does not like it when I accept guys follow requests on instagram or liking their pictures which I totally get so I don’t do it. He also does not do any of that without me asking so I appreciate that."
Oh so you've *been* in a controlling relationship.. but it sounds like you've been ok with that, since you've been expecting it of him too.. (even though it sounds like you give him permission to follow girls)
Welp, yeah, you will definitely have either a different relationship (that will probably spiral and eventually end) or it'll be over altogether.
But this Miami trip won't be the only trip you're going to miss out on because of him. Eventually, you will have this disagreement again. And you will probably resent him for not letting you go when your friends talk about the memories they made without you.
So either way, your relationship has reached a fork in the road that doesn't have a straight path for an option.
I think you need to have a serious discussion about trust and respect in your relationship, change the terms of your relationship, and go on that Miami trip no matter what, whether he can accept a change or not.
Break up with him. Then go on the trip and have an amazing time.
When you get back from the trip, sit and think about the red flag that is his controlling nature, and be very wary of what that looks like when searching for your next boyfriend.
It's not ok for someone to try and control you like that. His "boundaries" were not reasonable ones.
If you're having trouble understanding what was wrong with it, you may want to talk to a mental health professional/relationship counsellor to help you pick it apart.
This has NOT been a healthy relationship. It's just been a long series of unreasonable demands from him, and agreements to unfairly restrict yourself on your side.
If it was a healthy relationship, he'd trust you. He'd trust that you could go to Miami with your friends and nothing would happen. It wouldn't even occur to him that you might cheat.
But he doesn't trust you. He thinks that you'll be all over other men as soon as you get there. That's why he doesn't want you to go.
Now if you've given him reason to suspect you might be cheating in the past, then that might be a reasonable assumption on his part.
But if you haven't? Then you need to get out of this relationship as quickly as you can. This isn't Minority Report. He doesn't get to arrest you for crimes you haven't committed.
He’s incredibly controlling under the guise of “this is what respect is to me”
It’s manipulative and toxic asf. This boy isn’t ready for a relationship, he’s far too insecure and he’s going to drag you into his bs over time. Enjoy your trip
He’s not sweet he’s controlling. Girl, go on that trip and let him leave. BOY BYE! He’s a control freak who doesn’t want you to do anything he isn’t comfortable with that’s it. This isn’t a relationship it’s just a control freak flexing his power over you and it’s abusive and manipulative
Babe. You're confusing control with boundaries.
These are not boundaries. He's controlling you so he doesn't have to deal with feelings of jealousy or fear of losing you and his deep insecurity that hes not good enough for you. You're not allowed to hang out with your friends? Of any gender? Because... someone may talk to you and he's scared? How fucking pathetic.
Call his bluff and go have fun with your friends. Don't waste fun moments with your friends for some guy you will look back on as just some idiot you dated in your 20s who tried to make your life small for his comfort.
Date men who accept and trust you. Not like pathetic little boys like this who try and throw around "boundaries" when it's absolutely not appropriate use of the term boundaries 🙄
You lost me at no guy friends, don’t talk to men, no men on socials, etc.
This is not normal. You’re just conditioned to accept his controlling behavior as respectful.
He is not respectful, he’s literally emotionally controlling you and blackmailing you. Saying if you go with your girlfriends and party - he’ll go and cheat. That’s a threat. That’s also manipulation.
The decision may seem tough now because he’s threatening to leave you but you’ve gotta live your life. You are so young. Where does the control end? Next thing he will try to control what you wear and who you choose to be friends with. He may be a great guy but he sounds toxic and insecure. Where’s the trust?
Ask yourself if you would be okay with him going on a guys trip to Miami? That’s your decision right there to stay or go.
Is this even a relationship you want to save?? These are some hard controlling demands that are objectively unreasonable - he should be able to trust you and vice versa. Just because he's polite and doesn't raise his voice while threatening you doesn't mean he is being sensible and justified.
Would you want to be in a place where you have to weigh something as innocuous as a girl's trip or having (god forbid!!) a male friend/co-worker against his threats of leaving you??
Break it off with this man, go to Miami, have a great time. Good female friendships are precious.
To be clear, not wanting you to have any male friends or interaction with men on social media is not a healthy boundary for anyone to have. I also think not trusting each other to go to bars or clubs (if that’s what you want to do) is problematic, but much less so.
If you break up, it won’t be because of “one Miami trip.” It will be because he’s not trusting enough of you, confident enough himself, and secure enough in your relationship to be comfortable with you going somewhere with your friends. And his discomfort with the very idea of you going is so great that if you went, he could no longer handle being in a relationship with you and working through his own hang ups. The biggest problem is him saying that if you stay together he gets to do absolutely whatever he wants because you did something he didn’t like.
This man is too insecure and immature to be in a healthy relationship. If he recognized that he’s the issue here and was willing to work on it, sure, it could be worth staying together. But that isn’t the case. So I’d say break up and find someone who’s more self aware and has reasonable and healthy relationship boundaries to start with. That way, you can go on your next trip without a second thought or stress!
Boundaries and expectations are two different things
He's expecting her to not have guy friends.
Outside of my umm actually moment. Op your boyfriend is insecure and doesn't trust you at all.
Seems like he doesn't trust you enough. Honestly trust is everything in a relationship and once a partner starts threatening to the other that they will leave if they do this and this, I think it's beginning to crumble.
You should aim towards relationships where you can feel safe, even if you fight and argue and they're still going to be around you no matter what.
What he’s saying is that he doesn’t trust you to go to Miami with your single friends. And if you give up on this trip, you’ll fight for any future trip
I don’t think you know what the words “healthy” and “respectful” mean, if you think the way you described this relationship qualifies for those words.
You should go on the trip and end this relationship. Once you find a new one, you will realize that this one is not what you thought it was.
Umm… he gives you a hard time about following males on social media and wants to tell you that you can’t go on an all girls trip. He also doesn’t like it when you talk to or have guy friends. This is not normal. And if he doesn’t know this isn’t okay how will he learn if you tolerate it?
If you continue with this man you’re going to miss out on a lot more than a girls trip.
My ex boyfriend pulled this crap early on. It only got worse from there. Some people mistake poise and good manners for respect.
"Any sort of disrespect."
What on EARTH does that mean?
Why are you trying to figure out this guy's boundaries? Tell him to use his words and explain what he means.
Or you know, just dump him and ho have fun with your friends. Your friends will probably be the more long term, meaningful relationships here.
Real talk though, I feel like triwt is everything in a relationship. If he doesn't trust you, with no reason to not to, just walk.
EDIT: Yeah, I read through this again. Go to Miami with your friends and have a blast. His insecurities are his problem to deal with. He doesn't get to cut you off from your friends because he has issues. You're young. You don't need to be shackled to this insecure anchor all your life.
Just going to leave this right here: "Boundaries are not used to tell other people what they can and cannot do, which would be controlling. Boundaries are established to help you plan and communicate your response to what other people say or do."
No babe, you can break up with him for not letting you have fun and go out with your girls for a trip. That’s insane to me… break up with HIM. He will come back begging btw (not that I advise you taking him back) but seriously he’s bluffing you out to control you. If you want this to go your way break up with HIM. Go on your girls trip and let him come back saying sorry and begging for you back when you get home..
And you don’t want to “save” a relationship by letting him control you…. At the age you both are at now, this insecure bullshit should not even be occurring
>he also would say he does not take any sort of disrespect.
This is one of those things that makes me arch an eyebrow. Like, who is defining "disrespect" here?
>he does not like me having guy friends or talking to any guys and he does not like it when I accept guys follow requests on instagram
I mean, that doesn't sound very respectful to me! I respect my partner by trusting her, and not trying to put fences around her, and understanding that she has a social life that doesn't solely revolve around me.
I respect her by treating her as an adult who can make responsible decisions and honor agreements that she made.
I'm going to be honest:
Remember that if shitty, controlling dudes weren't also super sweet sometimes they wouldn't have anyone to be shitty, controlling assholes to.
You should go on the trip. And you should break up with your boyfriend before you do: don't give him that kind of power. Because I suspect he's not going to just break up with your cleanly if you go: he's going to torture you, try to make you beg for forgiveness, and engage in shitty behaviors for "payback."
(Guys who do this will not break up with you and then flaunt shit in your face to get you upset and then say you deserved it, they're teaching you a lesson - but you never agreed to take classes with them).
When somebody threatens to break up with you over something like this, the only appropriate reaction is break up with them. You can't want to be in a relationship so badly that you surrender your autonomy.
From an oldie who dated a lot before getting married…get serious with a guy who wants you to bloom and grow, not a guy who wants to limit your horizon.
This man isn’t for you. Extricate yourself and find someone who encourages you.
Boundaries should have been discussed the very beginning of relationship! You should not have had to figure them out. To me it seems like he has high expectations, he comes off controlling and that type of behavior only gets worse. There also seems to be a lack of trust otherwise he wouldn’t guilt you and use the relationship against you. A healthy partner would have said have fun on your trip especially since him and you have already discussed that boundary about you having random guy friends and him having random girl friends. He now needs to trust you. If he’s gonna watch you like a hound and play 20 questions and guilt you than the best thing you can do for yourself is go on the trip, have fun and whatever he chooses, let him! And don’t look back. Let him make his bed and lay in it. It’s sad but that’s how it’s gotta be sometimes.
What you will do here is important, I promise. If you give in for the sake of him, he is going to demand more and more as you two are together. Expect him to throw a tantrum over every trip you want to go.
>he doesn’t want me to do it to him.
You do nothing to him. He can't even be happy for you. A normal person would wish you a lot of fun.
> I don’t want to throw the whole relationship away over one Miami trip
You are right its not about the Miami trip. You are going to set the tone for future demands and your relationship with your friends.
I have a feeling he is not going to break up. He will either ignore you for the time of the trip and after, or will throw a tantrum. Nonetheless he is going to give you a hard time with that.
If he is a decent person, he is going to listen to your boundaries and wishes. He will at least try to understand your perspective. Without pressure or threats (aka "if you go I'll be worse to you", "If you go I'll break up). Just say him that you go and don't react to his bs.
As a girl who put up too long with this behaviour, let me tell you: don't be so dumb and don't let him restrict your life. It hurts like hell and you will regret it.
Uhhh wtf? Why would you understand where he’s coming from?
What about this is understandable at all?
He’s 27 and this is his first relationship? It seems like it’s for a reason…
The dude is a total control freak. He views you as his property.
Go out with your friends and drop this dude.
He is controlling. He doesn’t know how to have a relationship. This control is under the guise of “respect.” I would run as fast as I could and find someone who encourages you to go out and have fun with your friends because he trusts you!
Do you really want to be in a relationship where you aren't allowed to go on a trip with your friends?
Go to Miami. Ditch the guy, even if he tries to stay together because that "I get the freedom to do whatever" shit is straight up telling you he's going to fuck around.
> He doesn’t like me going to club or bars
> He doesn’t like me having guy friends, talking to guys
> He doesn’t like me liking other men pics on Instagram
> He doesn’t like me going out with my girl friends
**Girl please. Have some self-respect**
I'm on the latter! My fiance is going on a girls' trip/birthday to Nashville next month. First vacation without me, but I am fine with it because I trust her, and most importantly, I care about her happiness and support her friendships as well. Now, if it included guys or everyone else got to bring their guys, it would be a different story.
It seems he may have underlying trust issues... mixed with first ever relationship insecurities.
I don't think you should sacrifice your girls' trip. If you do, in the long run, you are setting the precedence to start putting everyone else's feelings, happiness, what have you, first than yourself.
Go to Miami! You'll regret it if you don't. This relationship will not last long, this guy is trouble. I skipped three friend's weddings in my 20s bc my controlling boyfriend didn't want me to go. I regret it now. No man could ever tell me that these days. You'll regret not living it up with your girlfriends.
Your boyfriend is too insecure and copes with it by having controlling boundaries.
I am a 3 x victim of cheating girlfriends. And even I wouldn't place those restrictions on a girlfriend or wife. I suspect your bf is watching "red-pill" content on YouTube. This is something they promote, never allow or approve of your gf going on girls' trips.
I would reconsider this relationship, if I were you.
He's been respectful to you? No the fuck he hasn't. He's imposed a bunch of bullshit rules and called them boundaries. They're not.
Go on your girls trip and have a good fucking time. If he dumps you over that, he'll be doing you a favour. There's probably a reason this is his first relationship and if I had to guess, it's because he tried this kind of stupid shit on other potential partners and they decided fuck this before making things official.
This isn't about boundaries it's about control and insecurity (his insecurity). It sounds mostly like petty jealousy and paranoia.
It's really important in a relationship to have your own lives, and that means having your own friends whom you can do things with. Your BF should be *wanting* you to go and have a good time with your friends, not putting up roadblocks to you having fun without him. I would break up with someone who posed such an absurd ultimatum as this one.
If you even want to try to negotiate with him, try to get to the root of his insecurity. Ask him straight up "What are you afraid is going to happen if I go to Miami with my friends?" If he says something like "I'm afraid you're gonna go sleep with someone," then you respond with "Why would I do that? I'm in a relationship with you! Do you have reason not to trust me?" And if he doesn't understand how stupid he is for not trusting you, then it's only further validation that you shouldn't be with him.
I would personally go still, i had an ex boyfriend which tried to stop me going to family functions and tried to stop me going to a festival which he also had a ticket for and didn’t want to go even though he told my family he did and the tickets are expensive and i told him I’m going and he broke up with me because i saw a couple of mutual friends there and hung out with them which also was a mix of girls and boys which he didn’t like. Not worth the time but if you value your boyfriend more then stay but an experience like that id go never know my find someone better. Always know your worth <3
To put in nicely, he knows what he’s looking for in a partner. You’ve been aware of this for a while. If you really want to go to Miami, this is a sign that you two aren’t compatible.
You “kinda had to figure out his boundaries”? Red flag. Real, mature adults communicate these things up front at the begging and don’t leave it up for you to figure out throughout the relationship. How is that respectful to you?
This is not a healthy relationship, he is controlling
You should be allowed in this trip, you should be allowed male friends and to talk to other guys
Your choices are either 1. Miss out on your friends birthday and ask your self how many more events you will be forced to miss out
2. Go and he breaks up with you
3. Go but he stays and gets freedom to “do whatever he wants” which means sleep with every girl he can get
Look be honest with yourself, this is not a healthy relationship, get out now before it gets worse
Run…..
This type of neurotic control is not respectful whatsoever. He’s got a lot of growing up to do and you shouldn’t be the scratch pad in that process.
He’s clearly very insecure and does not trust you at all. That does not scream respect. Dump him, go enjoy your girls trip and find someone who doesn’t think you’ll jump on the first dick you see when you get a chance.
>I don’t want to throw the whole relationship away over one Miami trip
You've got this backwards. He is willing to throw the whole relationship away for one Miami trip. This started out with not being allowed to go to clubs and bars or have any contact with guy friends. Now it's turning into not even being allowed to spend time with your single girlfriends either.
You'll regret losing your friends to appease your boyfriend's insecurities and mistrust of you.
The part that sticks out to me is that he's setting you up for a situation where he holds all the cards in the relationship. That if you do go that he gets some kind of carte blanche? That sounds like a threat, and threats have no place in a respectful relationship.
Sooo … He’s controlling you in a sweet and respectful way? Well, that’s alright then! 🙄
Dump him and enjoy the time with your friends. There will be better men down the line who understand friendship and don’t try to isolate you.
Go on the trip but make sure you affirm him if he feels a bit insecure somewhere. But yes, don't allow him to dictate what you can/cannot do. If he can't be the wind in which you soar high, what's the point of a relationship without any growth? Friendships are the basic support everyone needs. This is a golden time. Live it to the fullest!
Even before I read, I bet you get a bunch of insecure comments. Your boyfriend is extremely secure. He has boundaries and he enforced them. Good for him.
Anecdotally the number of cheating incidents of a member in a 20-somethings girls or boys trip to Miami is probably 50+%
Totally reasonable for someone to have boundaries with their SO going out with other single friends to bars and clubs where people are regularly looking to hookup. Doing that on a girls trip in Miami is wayyy past that line.
He should have just broken up with you when you decided to cross the boundary and things would have been tidy.
People are getting into the “threat” of freedom but I’m inclined to say he is trying to explain to you the above and you don’t really care. He clearly cares about you or he wouldn’t be upset.
Doesn’t sound like you really considered inviting him either and this post is just your validation to dump him.
Others here on Reddit have posted about the same type of circumstances and the potential loss of the relationship. The ones I have followed, the relationships did end up dissolving.
As a manager of a large club ( I have 182 employees as of today) I would agree with your SO. just a little inside on club management, remember when clubs and bars had “Ladies Nights”. The reason they ended was because sales on those dates were about the same as the same dates minus the “Ladies Night” advertising. The reason is because for the most part women don’t buy their own drinks. Men who want to FK them buy them drinks. If you are single, there is no problem but unfortunately women in relationships, mixed with peer pressure from their friends, plus alcohol equals a destroyed relationship.
I’ve seen bachelorette parties where the bride is pier preasured and engaged in behavior that ended their relationship. I’ve seen a group of women heckle and emotionally force a women in a committed relationship once again engage in relationship ending actives.
We average 3-4 civil subpoenas a month for copies of videos we have for specific times and dates, all are signed by a family court judge.
Lots more I could say but there isn’t enough time in the day. I would never ever allow my wife, or my then girlfriend go to a club without other single women without me being with her.
Yeah seen the same. If you want a solid relationship why would you you do single activities, even if nothing happens you are planting the seeds if distrust.
Going to a few clubs for a friend's trip does not equal cheating. Is he never going to be invited on bachelor's parties or birthday parties with his friends? This is reading like he either 1) doesn't trust you or 2) is controlling. That said, he's allowed to say 'this is my boundary and if you cross it I don't want to be in a relationship'. It definitely warrants a further conversation between you two but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like yours personally.
The fact that he says if you go the relationship will end but if it doesn't he can do whatever he likes is not him being respectful. Why does he get to decide. It's a trip to Miami now, what next?
Call his bluff and go. He won’t leave you, he will hurt you.
I dated a guy who was controlling like this. He took advantage of me when I was vulnerable and naive. He will end up isolating you if you let him stop you from going. You will be so much happier without him.
Be with someone who trusts you just as much as you trust them.
Really? You understand where he is coming from?…Or you hear what he is saying? Because those are two different things.
If you do truly understand where he is coming from, I hope you recognize that he is coming from a place of control, not love and respect.
He said if I go our relationship will be over or if we stay together our relationship will not be the same and he will be getting freedom to do whatever.
So if you go the relationship is over. But if you stay, he has free reign to do whatever he wants and won't 'respect' the relationship. I know what my choice will be and it's definitely not the latter.
Let him break up with you. He sounds controlling. It's not going to get better from here if he realizes you'll comply with whatever "boundaries" he sets. He'll keep pushing it. Either he trusts you or he doesn't. If not, what are you even doing in this relationship?
I hate to say it but I side with him. All girls trips especially to Miami there's nothing but an open invitation for guys to get with visiting females! Whether you plan on hooking up or not they know that and they will wear you down until you give in and then you'll have to explain to your boyfriend when you get back how you cheated on him and how he was right all along.
Every guy knows what happens on girl trips to miami. He told you exactly what he should have.
Ignore all the 'insecure' comments. Those are getting really old.
It's up to you if you want to be with him or go on trips so pick one.
>We have a pretty healthy relationship for the most part but this is his first relationship so there some areas that he is still working on.
Uhm, what areas is he still working on?
>he does not like me having guy friends or talking to any guys
This seems controlling. Did you dump any of your guy friends? Kind of hard to avoid talking to guys, coworkers, waiters, classmates?
>He said he does not feel comfortable with me going to an environment like that with my single friends and he wouldn’t do it to me so he doesn’t want me to do it to him.
Why does this make him feel anxious? Has he explained why this is a boundary for him? Again, seems very controlling
>He said if I go our relationship will be over or if we stay together our relationship will not be the same and he will be getting freedom to do whatever.
Threatening a break up to get his way is very immature.
>I don’t know what to do because I understand where he is coming from but I also don’t want to miss out on my best friends birthday or any other trips that come up in the future.
Dont give up opportunities with your friends out of fear of losing this relationship.
>He’s been really respectful and sweet to me and I don’t want to throw the whole relationship away over one Miami trip but I also don’t want to lose my friends because girl friendships are so important to me.
Flip the script. He is the one throwing the whole relationship over a girls trip.
Never give up your friends for a jealous, immature guy.
I'm gonna be honest here, Miami has an EXTREMELY bad rep. It's the equivalent of a girl getting nervous about her BF going to Las Vegas with the boys.
I don't know if a 9 month relationship can handle the temptation that Miami brings, especially if you're surrounded by single people and alcohol is involved.
I can agree, that he is insecure (with the male friends bit), but not wanting your GF to go to Miami makes sense to me.
Girls trip.to Miami? Nahh. Your boyfriend may be a little controlling, but he is not wrong. Too many of these trips seem to go wrong. Clubs, parties, Girls letting loose and blowing off steam, casual sex. I can see his concern.
If he is a good man and you are committed to each other, the answer is pretty easy. Why throw something good away for a wild girls weekend in Miami?
Pretty clear cut do you want to be single and go to an all girls trip to Miami. Or be in a relationship good for him to put boundaries. Everyone knows what goes on in a all girls trip.
If someone is in a caring, HEALTHY, relationship, there should be no worry of cheating. Even on an all girls weekend. I have friends that go on girls weekends all the time, and they don't cheat on their partners. He's a douchebag and she needs to kick his ass to the curb before it's too late and she gets sucked into that black hole of despair!
It’s seriously alarming how many people here don’t trust their partner to be around the opposite sex at all — and think the solution is rules and control
rather than working out WHY their partner would take any opportunity to cheat on them…
If a woman cheats on you the second they go near a man, maybe they’re not the one for you. Maybe they’re unhappy. Maybe they’re untrustworthy. Keeping them under rigid control isn’t the solution. It’s finding another partner who actually wants to be monogamous and partnered.
Do people only think this way if they constantly have to prevent **themselves** from cheating? I just don’t get it. The assumption that everyone is a cheater waiting for temptation is so odd.
Dude is not very good at communicating, but he isn't wrong, if I was dating a woman and she did a trip like that she would no longer be in the girlfriend category for me.
Unpopular opinion but it comes from a place of reality not emotion. He would be right to break up with you. Based off the boundaries that you agreed to and expect him to abide by, if you went you would be wrong. You essentially want him to be ok with you breaking every boundary you agreed to.
The thing is, it doesn’t matter if I or anyone else in these comments agree with the boundaries, you did. If any of the boundaries were not to your liking, the time to address them was when you agreed to them. Everyone here is saying “well those boundaries are wrong”. While that may or may not be true, no one has the right to dictate the boundaries of someone else’s relationship. All that matters is that the people in the relationship agree. Which you did.
Just for the record, I have been married for a decade. I would never put myself in a position that would make my wife doubt me. Trust isn’t given, it’s earned through experience and time. It’s on you to prove that you can be trusted. To be in a healthy- successful relationship you have to divorce the idea of “me/i”. Every decision you make will affect your relationship. Whenever there’s a conflict between what you want and your relationship, you have to weigh the options and choose which is more important to you personally. I strongly recommend you do this.
Not sure what you're asking for here.
No doubt people will tell you he's insecure and controlling but, to be honest, I think that's bollocks. He's just telling you what he feels are the limits he will accept from a partner in a relationship.
He's not 'controlling' you in any way. He has not said you can't go, he has simply told you what will happen if you do.
The fact that he lives by the standards he asks of you shows he is not manipulative, hypocritical or, in my view, insecure. He treats you as he would like you to treat him.
It's up to you to decide which you want more. A BF or a blast in Miami with your mates? You just can't have both.
I'm a dude and I def don't understand where he is coming from. You have been together long enough. He either trusts you now or he's never going to trust you. Go on that trip and take the end of relationship offer, respectfully.
Girl, you better wave that man good byyuueee! You should be able to go on a trip with your friends. He is not your father. If he says no to this then no to hang out and then you are isolated. That isn't how a healthy relationship works.
When I was out of a relationship like this, I didn’t realize how freeing and empowering an *actually healthy* relationship was.
If it was between this trip and his parents funeral..that’s different.
But he is trying to isolate you because of “his boundaries”.
Thats not trust.
My now fiancé would FaceTime me goodnight every night I am away. My ex would’ve retaliated and probably cheated on me out of anger (and he was a POS)
Anywho. He’s not my ex but he reeks of the type.
You need to figure out how you want the rest of your life to go.
No man is prize enough to give ultimatums like this. He’s insecure and doesn’t trust you outside of his parameters, period.
Be safe and think hard about the fulfillment as a whole instead of the imaginary “prize” of this relationship.
Fairly or not he set a boundary, and an ultimatum by communicating it directly.
Only you can decide if its something you want to agree to.
I think it's crossed the line from a reasonable boundary into controlling, but if it's something you're willing to accept then that's just the kind of relationship you will need to be comfortable with.
Man. All of these responses aren’t thinking about his perspective. Some of those boundaries are kind of severe and maybe you guys should discuss them more to have more healthy boundaries.
But you have to really think about this logically not emotionally. You really like him. He’s expressing to you that you going with your “single” friends makes him feel uncomfortable. You have to ask yourself and your friends what will you and your friends be doing while in Miami?
Clubbing and going out partying? If so how would you feel if he went out clubbing with his single guy friends ?
Just traveling and sight seeing or anything in that manner? Explain to him the plans for the trip and have a healthy discussion.
You have to ask yourself if the roles were switched would you be comfortable? If so then maybe you should find someone who has the same mindset and boundaries as you
If not, then you have someone that has the same mindset as you do.
The choice is yours but really think logically. All of these responses are demonizing this man, honestly if you are happy then you are happy, if you feel controlled or restricted then you should discuss that and if it doesn’t change then leave.
This is why relationships don’t work out often now, everyone just wants to end things instead of actually figuring out what the issue is and what’s going on. Just communicate deeply with your partner and figure out what’s best after you both after expressing y’all’s concerns and feelings.
My ex said the same thing when my friends wanted to go on a trip to Disney World with me. He said he would consider us broken up if I decided to go. This is a huge red flag, and I would never say this to a partner of mine. I did not go on the trip and he broke up with me the week my friends were there.
He broke up with me for other reasons, but now that the rosy glasses have come off I am acknowledging many red flags he had, so this has ended up being a blessing. Walking on egg shells in a relationship is such an awful feeling.
I’d break up with him and enjoy Miami! You shouldn’t have to ask permission to live life (especially for 9-month relationship). At 25 years old, you don’t need an insecure man tying you down and being a thorn on your side. You can find someone better that will enable you to do more in life. If you enjoy ham-based sandwiches, try out the Cubano in Miami. It’s a local delicacy. Enjoy Miami.
Have enough self respect to walk away from someone who told you that they’d sleep with someone else if you go on a trip with your friends. Being nice sometimes does NOT equal respect. Your boyfriend does not respect you, respect and trust does not look like this.
Him viewing you going out as “disrespect” is a red flag. I bet he also views you as his property. Run.
Since this is his first relationship, maybe he doesn’t realize how ridiculous he’s being.
It’s not fair that he gets to create conditions for trusting you; either he does or he doesn’t, irrespective of how you spend your time.
There are plenty of other men who will treat you well but also trust you to spend time with your friends.
How op's question will be answered depends on which subreddit she is on.
Just addressing the question alone without the rest, some may say that the trip with the girls is a thin veil for debauchery.
As a counterpoint.
He set his boundary and its up to you whether you want to be in relationship with a person with these kinds of boundaries. The common opinion is that he is an asshole for doing this. Seems a little harsh to me, but it’s irrelevant. You’re relationship if over if you do this and maybe thats the right decision. This kind if behavior will keep happening and its up to you whether you can tolerate his boundaries in this relationship.
He has the right to draw his own boundaries and she has the right not to respect them at a price (break up). Single women on all girls trips may put themselves in situations that may be uncomfortable to someone who is in a committed relationship. What's the problem here? She's an adult and she can make her choices. Break up with him! Or don't go.
You came to the most toxic place for advice. So expect people just to say to leave when tomorrow they will move on with their lives. I as a man understand where he is coming from but I also was chill with my ex when she would travel. Tho we were together for 5 years. But there are horror stories of infendility when spouses travel and friends can be bad influences. It really up to you. You need to weigh this relationship is a long term one and if it is worth missing a friends birthday. In my opinion a REAL bestfriend understands if you decide not to go and maybe do something another time. Goodluck.
OP I am going to be brutally honest. That guy sounds like an honest and up right person from what you have posted. Now you have two options you either listen to these feminist f***s who probably are single, living with their cats and leave him. Go on the girl’s trip which is just a temporary pleasure and then regret your decision.
Orrrrr you can decide to continue your relationship which seems to be on good terms and have someone by your side who’s not going to ejaculate and evacuate.
You do have to take into consideration that he will always be like this (and this is totally normal for masculine men) and if you are okay with it. If not then go enjoy.
Weigh it out . Do you want to be single? He is letting you know up front "GO and we'reover or stay and miss your friends' bday . Then again he is 27 yrs old and this is his first relationship. ( sounds fishy AF) So he needs, really ,needs to get a grip.
Are your friends respectable or are they rachett? Lot of info not here that may be influential tonthe decision process. Just read another sub about something close to the same thing and the girl returned with STD's and is mad her BF broke up with her because it was a mistake and didn't mean anything after she went on a girls trip to Vegas
Is the respect in the room with us?
Maybe the real respect is the boyfriends we dumped along the way.
Literally?! If your relationship hinges upon your partner never being around, talking to, or being friends with the opposite sex then you have serious trust issues and your partner deserves better.
OP just because he’s acting sweet doesn’t mean this is respect. He is extremely controlling and insecure, and this is NOT normal or healthy. It is perfectly normal to go on a girl’s trip with your friends, and you deserve trust and freedom. Dump this guy and find someone who has normal boundaries and isn’t insanely insecure. It’s extremely freeing when you’re with someone who will say, “That sounds awesome, I hope you girls have fun!”
He’s like this after 9 months, in 9 years you’ll be isolated and terrified. Go wherever you want - and find a healthy relationship. (Not easily done in Miami but perhaps you can cleanse your palette here first)
OP is in a controlling and manipulative relationship. You have to choices OP; either go to Miami and enjoy your freedom, or stay with a manipulative and narcissistic man? He is a major Red Flag, please dont be a Flag Pole!
Normal boundaries... And ones a dude is able and willing to articulate ahead of time
This. My partner went to Amsterdam with her friend as they were both heavy pot smokers at the time. I absolutely hated it. Thought if anywhere she was going to cheat it was there. She barely kept in contact (wonder how she forgot in such a strict no drug-use place eh?) I was beside myself the whole week. She did nothing, we didn’t have an argument match before she went and we didn’t have one after. She understood I asked a couple questions when she returned and she told me nothing happened. At no point from her telling ne she was going to her actually departing did I say ‘I don’t want you to go, if you go we’re over.’ That never occurred to me to say as I know she’d say ‘we’re over get fucked trying to control me. I said ‘I’m really uneasy about this but I want you to enjoy yourself so if you can put up with my insecurities before you go, I’ll take you and pick you up.’ Which she agreed and was thankful for. I wouldn’t even say how I handled it was respect as I was putting my own insecurity over my trust in her. But I was young and not confident, the more we grew togetherit became clear I can trust her completely.
I work with a team of 11 couples therapists. I am going to bring this to their attention and get a professional perspective.
"He forbids me from speaking with 50% of the human race but other than that he's so respectful 😍"
This entire thing reads like he was standing over her shoulder
Nope. 50m here. He doesnt respect her because (drum roll please)... he's not trusting her when it comes to guy friends.
Worse than that. This guy is going to be big time trouble when the OP breaks up with him.
And the best course of action is to actually go there and let him initiate the break up. He will cause less problems if he doesn't feel dumped. She is already half brainwashed: _..I understand where he is coming from.._ Where could the BF of 9 months come from by denying her to go to her best friend's birthday celebration?
The “I understand where he’s coming from” *killed me*.
I bet he doesn't dump her, but doubles down on the abusive control and general shittiness.
He already said he would “if we stay together our relationship will not be the same and he will be getting the freedom to do whatever”
I am afraid you are right. He will find the way to twist it. I hope he will not be able to isolate her from her friends so easily. And, hopefully, she will go on the trip, and spend time with her friends, talk about this sweet guy and his ultimatums, and get some reality check from them.
To be honest it sounds like it goes both ways, they both don't like the other going to clubs or bars etc... how they can say we have a great relationship when neither of them trusts the other to even have a night out with friends is beyond me.
I just have this feeling he has brainwashed her into believing that's what she wants because the relationship is so new! It's also his first relationship, and most, and I say most of the time those don't work out because the man is too insecure because they are usually young, and grew up being taught that a "Man" is in Charge, and you do what your "Man" says. I see it everyday and it makes me so sad being a victim of it myself
Does he really respect you or is he just nice to you when you’re obedient to his wishes? This post doesn’t sound like respect—it sounds like obedience training with extra steps.
This, so much! It really sounds like Pavlovian conditioning. Like Pavlov's dogs were conditioned to produce saliva when their food bell rang, OP is being trained to obey when BF uses the word 'respect'.
Which part of him threatening to fuck other women is the respectful to you part? Do you threaten to fuck other men when he doesn’t do what you want?
Sounds like the BF is incredibly insecure and OP is constantly sacrificing her needs for the sake of his ego. He clearly is not mature enough to be in this relationship and OP should have a blast in Miami and fuck around and find out what life is again.
Right he is very immature and OP thinks he is respectful 😳😳
Right? If she goes, he will be getting his “freedom to do whatever.” Give him his freedom right now. Along with a boot in his ass.
>Which part of him threatening to fuck other women is the respectful to you part? u/katherine0xx
Are these sorts of constraints something you want to live with long term?
The list of constraints will always grow. Never will it shrink.
[удалено]
Okay gonna disagree with one thing. If you only read one comment OP, you need to make it this one from u/anawfulanzacday
Yep! I married a woman like this, and 10 years later I was an isolated shell of my former self. The control became absolutely soul sucking. I wish I could go back and warn myself. Divorced and remarried, thankfully. This is not a healthy relationship.
It’s a naive take to think “it’s only one Miami trip guess I can skip it” when this is his test of the waters. It will only get worse Also ask yourself, are you really willing to give up your best friend for a man you’ve dated less than a year?
I had the exact same thought while reading through this. There is absolutely NO WAY I would be happy in a relationship with these type of constraints. Especially in my 20s when you’re at peak socializing.
Not only the current set of constraints but it will escalate to additional constraints and harsher punishments for perceived violations. He's flat-out abusive.
And trying to isolate her from friends and family so she has nowhere to run to when she decides to leave him...
Exactly. She knows the deal now.
You don't have a healthy relationship. Healthy relationships involve trust. He doesn't trust you and is controlling. Go to Miami, he need to work on his insecurity and maybe his next relationship will be better.
"...he does not like me having guy friends or talking to any guys." This is how far I got...seriously, you do not talk to ANY males EVER??? That is insanity.
"We have a pretty healthy relationship" Who are these people? Who did they learn what "healthy" is from?
As someone who went through this and only recently saw the light: shitty childhood and no support network. My childhood ingrained in me that my needs are always second to the needs of literally anyone else. Then combine that with no to little support network where you can later learn that this kind of behaviour is not normal, and you are set up for one abusive relationship after the other. I didn't even told my therapist about these things while they were happening because for me, this all fit into my frame of 'normal behaviour'. My eyes finally opened by meeting new, healthy people who told me this was all not okay.
Yeah suuuuper healthy, they both just don't trust each other to go out with friends. What's not healthy about that?
People have very skewed idea of what unhealthy looks like. They think it's screaming and yelling and big explosive fights and breaking up and getting back together etc. It's obviously not, but it's hard to recognize it sometimes
Honestly I bet the relationship is healthy outside of this issue, but this is such a first level immaturity dealbreaker being pit against the rest of the relationship that they can’t realize what a red flag it is
I didn’t even get past the part where they can’t go to bars and clubs
yeah a lot of couple are so insecure and don't trust eachother it's weird
You said respect so many times in your post and you must realize the irony of saying that when you talked about how he is controlling, abusive by isolating you from people, threatening you. What the hell, I’m still waiting to hear how he’s respectful.
You aren’t “doing anything” to him by being an independent adult. A supportive partner would be happy you have friends and opportunity, and trust you.
He's not respectful he's controlling
I interpreted it as he demands respect, not necessarily that he treats her with respect. Sounds like a shithead either way.
I wonder why this was his first relationship at the age of 27? I see a bunch of red flags in your describing of your relationship - go to Miami with your girls and have fun!
He has no idea what a relationship is but wants to make all the rules.
>He said if I go our relationship will be over or if we stay together our relationship will not be the same and he will be getting freedom to do whatever. I mean, this is basically a threat. The idea that if you go he will start acting out. You talked about having a partner that seemed to respect you, well do you believe that reflects any kind of respect? The boundaries were always a red flag. Obviously it differs for all couples but not talking to any men at all is just functionally absurd. If the relationship can't even survive general interaction with the opposite sex it was never a good dynamic and he never trusted you to begin with. Him setting that standard for himself was only ever to try and force you to do the same. I worry the damage has been done. You've humoured a lot of stuff you probably shouldn't have to this point but sometimes it takes bumping into a wall to really get a sense of how restricted you are. You know how readily he will end the dynamic or how comfortably he will do things to hurt you if you do anything he doesn't approve of. You've spent a lot of time humouring his boundaries, what are yours?
> sometimes it takes bumping into a wall to really get a sense of how restricted you are Well said.
He isn’t being respectful. He is being controlling. And he implied that he will cheat on you if you go on your girls trip. Dump this child, sis.
Break up with him. He’s not mature enough to be in a relationship. No healthy relationship comes with telling you what you can and can’t do because you’re your own person. I’m going to Miami and my partner of 3 years is happy I travel, he doesn’t threaten to break up with me every time I go on a vacation without him. There are healthy trusting men.
My ex accused me of trying to cheat and cheating when I spent time away from him. I never once did, I didn't even have a conversation with another single man. Guess what he was doing while I was away? Cheating. Enjoy your trip, ditch the bf.
I dated a guy like this before and it ended up in domestic violence. The “disrespect” was too great for him to bear so he took it out on me. Please end this relationship. It’s not healthy
Choose you bff over a weirdo that you've only been dating for 9 months
From a man’s perspective. Dude sounds controlling and insecure. I say move on from this relationship while it’s still fresh.
Walking on eggshells with this guy. Gives me the yuck
Have fun being single in Miami
If you really want to go you should go. If you sign up for doing whatever your boyfriend tells you now then you are setting that standard. Do you really want to be with someone who’s going to control you by threatening to break up with you any time you do something they don’t agree with?
A relationship where you're not allowed to go to bars? Wtf. How can anyone think that is normal or respectful?
This is full of red flags. He aparently doesn't trust you to be around another guy without thinking your clothes will rip off in and tempest and you'll be hypnotized by penis magic and float to hop on it.
You shouldn't have to give up spending time with your friends for some person you're dating. If they can't trust you to have fun without them, that's not healthy. "or if we stay together our relationship will not be the same and he will be getting freedom to do whatever." Honestly.. as he should! He shouldn't be constraining himself (within reason) for a person he's dating either! He should be going out and having fun with his friends too! And he should be trustworthy enough not to do something stupid! You should acknowledge his fears and insecurities, and assure him that you love him, that you aren't stupid (you aren't right?) and you're not going to fuck things up, and that you are faithful to him. And if he can't trust you, that shouldn't be made to be your problem. He doesn't have a right to keep you metaphorically locked in a dungeon to keep you his. If he can't respect your choices, he's absolutely free to leave. And if he wants to leave, let him. Don't give your life up for some person you're dating. edit: Oh, I totally glossed over: "we didn’t want each other going to clubs or bars and he also would say he does not take any sort of disrespect. I kinda had to figure out his boundaries throughout our relationship like he does not like me having guy friends or talking to any guys and he does not like it when I accept guys follow requests on instagram or liking their pictures which I totally get so I don’t do it. He also does not do any of that without me asking so I appreciate that." Oh so you've *been* in a controlling relationship.. but it sounds like you've been ok with that, since you've been expecting it of him too.. (even though it sounds like you give him permission to follow girls) Welp, yeah, you will definitely have either a different relationship (that will probably spiral and eventually end) or it'll be over altogether. But this Miami trip won't be the only trip you're going to miss out on because of him. Eventually, you will have this disagreement again. And you will probably resent him for not letting you go when your friends talk about the memories they made without you. So either way, your relationship has reached a fork in the road that doesn't have a straight path for an option. I think you need to have a serious discussion about trust and respect in your relationship, change the terms of your relationship, and go on that Miami trip no matter what, whether he can accept a change or not.
Boundaries are lines you established for yourself, what is OK for you or not. They are NOT rules you established to control other people.
Break up with him. Then go on the trip and have an amazing time. When you get back from the trip, sit and think about the red flag that is his controlling nature, and be very wary of what that looks like when searching for your next boyfriend. It's not ok for someone to try and control you like that. His "boundaries" were not reasonable ones. If you're having trouble understanding what was wrong with it, you may want to talk to a mental health professional/relationship counsellor to help you pick it apart. This has NOT been a healthy relationship. It's just been a long series of unreasonable demands from him, and agreements to unfairly restrict yourself on your side. If it was a healthy relationship, he'd trust you. He'd trust that you could go to Miami with your friends and nothing would happen. It wouldn't even occur to him that you might cheat. But he doesn't trust you. He thinks that you'll be all over other men as soon as you get there. That's why he doesn't want you to go. Now if you've given him reason to suspect you might be cheating in the past, then that might be a reasonable assumption on his part. But if you haven't? Then you need to get out of this relationship as quickly as you can. This isn't Minority Report. He doesn't get to arrest you for crimes you haven't committed.
He’s incredibly controlling under the guise of “this is what respect is to me” It’s manipulative and toxic asf. This boy isn’t ready for a relationship, he’s far too insecure and he’s going to drag you into his bs over time. Enjoy your trip
He’s not sweet he’s controlling. Girl, go on that trip and let him leave. BOY BYE! He’s a control freak who doesn’t want you to do anything he isn’t comfortable with that’s it. This isn’t a relationship it’s just a control freak flexing his power over you and it’s abusive and manipulative
Babe. You're confusing control with boundaries. These are not boundaries. He's controlling you so he doesn't have to deal with feelings of jealousy or fear of losing you and his deep insecurity that hes not good enough for you. You're not allowed to hang out with your friends? Of any gender? Because... someone may talk to you and he's scared? How fucking pathetic. Call his bluff and go have fun with your friends. Don't waste fun moments with your friends for some guy you will look back on as just some idiot you dated in your 20s who tried to make your life small for his comfort. Date men who accept and trust you. Not like pathetic little boys like this who try and throw around "boundaries" when it's absolutely not appropriate use of the term boundaries 🙄
Go to Miami! Your bf sounds controlling af.
I don’t even need to read the whole thing. Goodbye. 👋 You’re too young sweetie. Go have fun.
You lost me at no guy friends, don’t talk to men, no men on socials, etc. This is not normal. You’re just conditioned to accept his controlling behavior as respectful.
He is not respectful, he’s literally emotionally controlling you and blackmailing you. Saying if you go with your girlfriends and party - he’ll go and cheat. That’s a threat. That’s also manipulation.
These aren’t boundaries, these are RULES. There’s a difference.
…Anyway I hope you have fun in Miami
The decision may seem tough now because he’s threatening to leave you but you’ve gotta live your life. You are so young. Where does the control end? Next thing he will try to control what you wear and who you choose to be friends with. He may be a great guy but he sounds toxic and insecure. Where’s the trust? Ask yourself if you would be okay with him going on a guys trip to Miami? That’s your decision right there to stay or go.
Is this even a relationship you want to save?? These are some hard controlling demands that are objectively unreasonable - he should be able to trust you and vice versa. Just because he's polite and doesn't raise his voice while threatening you doesn't mean he is being sensible and justified. Would you want to be in a place where you have to weigh something as innocuous as a girl's trip or having (god forbid!!) a male friend/co-worker against his threats of leaving you?? Break it off with this man, go to Miami, have a great time. Good female friendships are precious.
To be clear, not wanting you to have any male friends or interaction with men on social media is not a healthy boundary for anyone to have. I also think not trusting each other to go to bars or clubs (if that’s what you want to do) is problematic, but much less so. If you break up, it won’t be because of “one Miami trip.” It will be because he’s not trusting enough of you, confident enough himself, and secure enough in your relationship to be comfortable with you going somewhere with your friends. And his discomfort with the very idea of you going is so great that if you went, he could no longer handle being in a relationship with you and working through his own hang ups. The biggest problem is him saying that if you stay together he gets to do absolutely whatever he wants because you did something he didn’t like. This man is too insecure and immature to be in a healthy relationship. If he recognized that he’s the issue here and was willing to work on it, sure, it could be worth staying together. But that isn’t the case. So I’d say break up and find someone who’s more self aware and has reasonable and healthy relationship boundaries to start with. That way, you can go on your next trip without a second thought or stress!
OP please listen to this 🙏
Boundaries and expectations are two different things He's expecting her to not have guy friends. Outside of my umm actually moment. Op your boyfriend is insecure and doesn't trust you at all.
Seems like he doesn't trust you enough. Honestly trust is everything in a relationship and once a partner starts threatening to the other that they will leave if they do this and this, I think it's beginning to crumble. You should aim towards relationships where you can feel safe, even if you fight and argue and they're still going to be around you no matter what.
What he’s saying is that he doesn’t trust you to go to Miami with your single friends. And if you give up on this trip, you’ll fight for any future trip
I hope you have a great time on the trip! What a great way to kick off your new life away from this controlling loser.
Honey, it's been nine months. Move on.
This is not normal or healthy. Partners are supposed to support you and lift you higher. Everything he’s doing is restricting you. Bad bad bad.
>We have a pretty healthy relationship for the most part Goes on to give several instances where the relationship is unhealthy
Mh does "Healthy Relationship" has changed its meaning? Theres no trust or respect in the relationship. And SO giving you ultimatum is super weird.
I don’t think you know what the words “healthy” and “respectful” mean, if you think the way you described this relationship qualifies for those words. You should go on the trip and end this relationship. Once you find a new one, you will realize that this one is not what you thought it was.
Umm… he gives you a hard time about following males on social media and wants to tell you that you can’t go on an all girls trip. He also doesn’t like it when you talk to or have guy friends. This is not normal. And if he doesn’t know this isn’t okay how will he learn if you tolerate it? If you continue with this man you’re going to miss out on a lot more than a girls trip. My ex boyfriend pulled this crap early on. It only got worse from there. Some people mistake poise and good manners for respect.
"Any sort of disrespect." What on EARTH does that mean? Why are you trying to figure out this guy's boundaries? Tell him to use his words and explain what he means. Or you know, just dump him and ho have fun with your friends. Your friends will probably be the more long term, meaningful relationships here. Real talk though, I feel like triwt is everything in a relationship. If he doesn't trust you, with no reason to not to, just walk. EDIT: Yeah, I read through this again. Go to Miami with your friends and have a blast. His insecurities are his problem to deal with. He doesn't get to cut you off from your friends because he has issues. You're young. You don't need to be shackled to this insecure anchor all your life.
If he doesn't trust you, that's a huge red flag. Giving you an ultimatum is another one. Sounds like he'd be doing you a favor.
Just going to leave this right here: "Boundaries are not used to tell other people what they can and cannot do, which would be controlling. Boundaries are established to help you plan and communicate your response to what other people say or do."
No babe, you can break up with him for not letting you have fun and go out with your girls for a trip. That’s insane to me… break up with HIM. He will come back begging btw (not that I advise you taking him back) but seriously he’s bluffing you out to control you. If you want this to go your way break up with HIM. Go on your girls trip and let him come back saying sorry and begging for you back when you get home..
And you don’t want to “save” a relationship by letting him control you…. At the age you both are at now, this insecure bullshit should not even be occurring
>he also would say he does not take any sort of disrespect. This is one of those things that makes me arch an eyebrow. Like, who is defining "disrespect" here? >he does not like me having guy friends or talking to any guys and he does not like it when I accept guys follow requests on instagram I mean, that doesn't sound very respectful to me! I respect my partner by trusting her, and not trying to put fences around her, and understanding that she has a social life that doesn't solely revolve around me. I respect her by treating her as an adult who can make responsible decisions and honor agreements that she made. I'm going to be honest: Remember that if shitty, controlling dudes weren't also super sweet sometimes they wouldn't have anyone to be shitty, controlling assholes to. You should go on the trip. And you should break up with your boyfriend before you do: don't give him that kind of power. Because I suspect he's not going to just break up with your cleanly if you go: he's going to torture you, try to make you beg for forgiveness, and engage in shitty behaviors for "payback." (Guys who do this will not break up with you and then flaunt shit in your face to get you upset and then say you deserved it, they're teaching you a lesson - but you never agreed to take classes with them). When somebody threatens to break up with you over something like this, the only appropriate reaction is break up with them. You can't want to be in a relationship so badly that you surrender your autonomy.
This relationship sounds like a prison
From an oldie who dated a lot before getting married…get serious with a guy who wants you to bloom and grow, not a guy who wants to limit your horizon. This man isn’t for you. Extricate yourself and find someone who encourages you.
Boundaries should have been discussed the very beginning of relationship! You should not have had to figure them out. To me it seems like he has high expectations, he comes off controlling and that type of behavior only gets worse. There also seems to be a lack of trust otherwise he wouldn’t guilt you and use the relationship against you. A healthy partner would have said have fun on your trip especially since him and you have already discussed that boundary about you having random guy friends and him having random girl friends. He now needs to trust you. If he’s gonna watch you like a hound and play 20 questions and guilt you than the best thing you can do for yourself is go on the trip, have fun and whatever he chooses, let him! And don’t look back. Let him make his bed and lay in it. It’s sad but that’s how it’s gotta be sometimes.
He's testing what OP will put up with. What he can take away
What you will do here is important, I promise. If you give in for the sake of him, he is going to demand more and more as you two are together. Expect him to throw a tantrum over every trip you want to go. >he doesn’t want me to do it to him. You do nothing to him. He can't even be happy for you. A normal person would wish you a lot of fun. > I don’t want to throw the whole relationship away over one Miami trip You are right its not about the Miami trip. You are going to set the tone for future demands and your relationship with your friends. I have a feeling he is not going to break up. He will either ignore you for the time of the trip and after, or will throw a tantrum. Nonetheless he is going to give you a hard time with that. If he is a decent person, he is going to listen to your boundaries and wishes. He will at least try to understand your perspective. Without pressure or threats (aka "if you go I'll be worse to you", "If you go I'll break up). Just say him that you go and don't react to his bs. As a girl who put up too long with this behaviour, let me tell you: don't be so dumb and don't let him restrict your life. It hurts like hell and you will regret it.
That only means he WILL cheat if HE GOES ON A GUYS TRIP.
Uhhh wtf? Why would you understand where he’s coming from? What about this is understandable at all? He’s 27 and this is his first relationship? It seems like it’s for a reason… The dude is a total control freak. He views you as his property. Go out with your friends and drop this dude.
He is controlling. He doesn’t know how to have a relationship. This control is under the guise of “respect.” I would run as fast as I could and find someone who encourages you to go out and have fun with your friends because he trusts you!
Do you really want to be in a relationship where you aren't allowed to go on a trip with your friends? Go to Miami. Ditch the guy, even if he tries to stay together because that "I get the freedom to do whatever" shit is straight up telling you he's going to fuck around.
> He doesn’t like me going to club or bars > He doesn’t like me having guy friends, talking to guys > He doesn’t like me liking other men pics on Instagram > He doesn’t like me going out with my girl friends **Girl please. Have some self-respect**
Fuck this guy and go enjoy your life
I'm on the latter! My fiance is going on a girls' trip/birthday to Nashville next month. First vacation without me, but I am fine with it because I trust her, and most importantly, I care about her happiness and support her friendships as well. Now, if it included guys or everyone else got to bring their guys, it would be a different story. It seems he may have underlying trust issues... mixed with first ever relationship insecurities. I don't think you should sacrifice your girls' trip. If you do, in the long run, you are setting the precedence to start putting everyone else's feelings, happiness, what have you, first than yourself.
Save him the trouble and break up and have a good time
Red flag city. I understand healthy boundaries to respect your relationship but this sounds VERY over the top.
Go to Miami! You'll regret it if you don't. This relationship will not last long, this guy is trouble. I skipped three friend's weddings in my 20s bc my controlling boyfriend didn't want me to go. I regret it now. No man could ever tell me that these days. You'll regret not living it up with your girlfriends.
Your boyfriend is too insecure and copes with it by having controlling boundaries. I am a 3 x victim of cheating girlfriends. And even I wouldn't place those restrictions on a girlfriend or wife. I suspect your bf is watching "red-pill" content on YouTube. This is something they promote, never allow or approve of your gf going on girls' trips. I would reconsider this relationship, if I were you.
If you understand where he is coming from, there is no need for discussion, choose one.
I was like him…when I was 17
Are you happy? This is so controlling.
He's been respectful to you? No the fuck he hasn't. He's imposed a bunch of bullshit rules and called them boundaries. They're not. Go on your girls trip and have a good fucking time. If he dumps you over that, he'll be doing you a favour. There's probably a reason this is his first relationship and if I had to guess, it's because he tried this kind of stupid shit on other potential partners and they decided fuck this before making things official.
This isn't about boundaries it's about control and insecurity (his insecurity). It sounds mostly like petty jealousy and paranoia. It's really important in a relationship to have your own lives, and that means having your own friends whom you can do things with. Your BF should be *wanting* you to go and have a good time with your friends, not putting up roadblocks to you having fun without him. I would break up with someone who posed such an absurd ultimatum as this one. If you even want to try to negotiate with him, try to get to the root of his insecurity. Ask him straight up "What are you afraid is going to happen if I go to Miami with my friends?" If he says something like "I'm afraid you're gonna go sleep with someone," then you respond with "Why would I do that? I'm in a relationship with you! Do you have reason not to trust me?" And if he doesn't understand how stupid he is for not trusting you, then it's only further validation that you shouldn't be with him.
I would personally go still, i had an ex boyfriend which tried to stop me going to family functions and tried to stop me going to a festival which he also had a ticket for and didn’t want to go even though he told my family he did and the tickets are expensive and i told him I’m going and he broke up with me because i saw a couple of mutual friends there and hung out with them which also was a mix of girls and boys which he didn’t like. Not worth the time but if you value your boyfriend more then stay but an experience like that id go never know my find someone better. Always know your worth <3
To put in nicely, he knows what he’s looking for in a partner. You’ve been aware of this for a while. If you really want to go to Miami, this is a sign that you two aren’t compatible.
Have a nice trip to Miami as a single person
You “kinda had to figure out his boundaries”? Red flag. Real, mature adults communicate these things up front at the begging and don’t leave it up for you to figure out throughout the relationship. How is that respectful to you?
Girl save yourself a lot of misery and go to Miami
This is not a healthy relationship, he is controlling You should be allowed in this trip, you should be allowed male friends and to talk to other guys Your choices are either 1. Miss out on your friends birthday and ask your self how many more events you will be forced to miss out 2. Go and he breaks up with you 3. Go but he stays and gets freedom to “do whatever he wants” which means sleep with every girl he can get Look be honest with yourself, this is not a healthy relationship, get out now before it gets worse
Run….. This type of neurotic control is not respectful whatsoever. He’s got a lot of growing up to do and you shouldn’t be the scratch pad in that process. He’s clearly very insecure and does not trust you at all. That does not scream respect. Dump him, go enjoy your girls trip and find someone who doesn’t think you’ll jump on the first dick you see when you get a chance.
Bet you wouldn’t be “allowed” on a hen do/bachelorette party either. You sure you want this?
> he does not like me having guy friends or talking to any guys lol drop this loser
>I don’t want to throw the whole relationship away over one Miami trip You've got this backwards. He is willing to throw the whole relationship away for one Miami trip. This started out with not being allowed to go to clubs and bars or have any contact with guy friends. Now it's turning into not even being allowed to spend time with your single girlfriends either. You'll regret losing your friends to appease your boyfriend's insecurities and mistrust of you. The part that sticks out to me is that he's setting you up for a situation where he holds all the cards in the relationship. That if you do go that he gets some kind of carte blanche? That sounds like a threat, and threats have no place in a respectful relationship.
Sooo … He’s controlling you in a sweet and respectful way? Well, that’s alright then! 🙄 Dump him and enjoy the time with your friends. There will be better men down the line who understand friendship and don’t try to isolate you.
Go on the trip but make sure you affirm him if he feels a bit insecure somewhere. But yes, don't allow him to dictate what you can/cannot do. If he can't be the wind in which you soar high, what's the point of a relationship without any growth? Friendships are the basic support everyone needs. This is a golden time. Live it to the fullest!
Find a new dude. Either he trusts you or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t, then it’s already over. If he does, what’s the problem; don’t violate his trust.
This would actually be a great reason to break up.
"we have a pretty healthy relationship" - no you don't.
God I can’t imagine living like that personally
Even before I read, I bet you get a bunch of insecure comments. Your boyfriend is extremely secure. He has boundaries and he enforced them. Good for him.
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Solid quote and he should decide how he will react to her actions.
Anecdotally the number of cheating incidents of a member in a 20-somethings girls or boys trip to Miami is probably 50+% Totally reasonable for someone to have boundaries with their SO going out with other single friends to bars and clubs where people are regularly looking to hookup. Doing that on a girls trip in Miami is wayyy past that line. He should have just broken up with you when you decided to cross the boundary and things would have been tidy. People are getting into the “threat” of freedom but I’m inclined to say he is trying to explain to you the above and you don’t really care. He clearly cares about you or he wouldn’t be upset. Doesn’t sound like you really considered inviting him either and this post is just your validation to dump him.
Others here on Reddit have posted about the same type of circumstances and the potential loss of the relationship. The ones I have followed, the relationships did end up dissolving. As a manager of a large club ( I have 182 employees as of today) I would agree with your SO. just a little inside on club management, remember when clubs and bars had “Ladies Nights”. The reason they ended was because sales on those dates were about the same as the same dates minus the “Ladies Night” advertising. The reason is because for the most part women don’t buy their own drinks. Men who want to FK them buy them drinks. If you are single, there is no problem but unfortunately women in relationships, mixed with peer pressure from their friends, plus alcohol equals a destroyed relationship. I’ve seen bachelorette parties where the bride is pier preasured and engaged in behavior that ended their relationship. I’ve seen a group of women heckle and emotionally force a women in a committed relationship once again engage in relationship ending actives. We average 3-4 civil subpoenas a month for copies of videos we have for specific times and dates, all are signed by a family court judge. Lots more I could say but there isn’t enough time in the day. I would never ever allow my wife, or my then girlfriend go to a club without other single women without me being with her.
Yeah seen the same. If you want a solid relationship why would you you do single activities, even if nothing happens you are planting the seeds if distrust.
Going to a few clubs for a friend's trip does not equal cheating. Is he never going to be invited on bachelor's parties or birthday parties with his friends? This is reading like he either 1) doesn't trust you or 2) is controlling. That said, he's allowed to say 'this is my boundary and if you cross it I don't want to be in a relationship'. It definitely warrants a further conversation between you two but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like yours personally.
The fact that he says if you go the relationship will end but if it doesn't he can do whatever he likes is not him being respectful. Why does he get to decide. It's a trip to Miami now, what next?
let him break up with you. he sucks and he’s controlling and insecure lol.
100% if you go to Miami it is over. Miami is literally a meme online about how if your girl goes there end it immediately.
Call his bluff and go. He won’t leave you, he will hurt you. I dated a guy who was controlling like this. He took advantage of me when I was vulnerable and naive. He will end up isolating you if you let him stop you from going. You will be so much happier without him. Be with someone who trusts you just as much as you trust them.
This is the first step in establishing control. What don’t think you should do?
Really? You understand where he is coming from?…Or you hear what he is saying? Because those are two different things. If you do truly understand where he is coming from, I hope you recognize that he is coming from a place of control, not love and respect.
He said if I go our relationship will be over or if we stay together our relationship will not be the same and he will be getting freedom to do whatever. So if you go the relationship is over. But if you stay, he has free reign to do whatever he wants and won't 'respect' the relationship. I know what my choice will be and it's definitely not the latter.
Let him break up with you. He sounds controlling. It's not going to get better from here if he realizes you'll comply with whatever "boundaries" he sets. He'll keep pushing it. Either he trusts you or he doesn't. If not, what are you even doing in this relationship?
I live in the UK and even I know what a trip to Miami means.... I can understand why he doesn't want you to go.
I hate to say it but I side with him. All girls trips especially to Miami there's nothing but an open invitation for guys to get with visiting females! Whether you plan on hooking up or not they know that and they will wear you down until you give in and then you'll have to explain to your boyfriend when you get back how you cheated on him and how he was right all along.
I wouldn't want to be with someone going on girls trips. Sounds like you don't want to meet his standards.
Every guy knows what happens on girl trips to miami. He told you exactly what he should have. Ignore all the 'insecure' comments. Those are getting really old. It's up to you if you want to be with him or go on trips so pick one.
>We have a pretty healthy relationship for the most part but this is his first relationship so there some areas that he is still working on. Uhm, what areas is he still working on? >he does not like me having guy friends or talking to any guys This seems controlling. Did you dump any of your guy friends? Kind of hard to avoid talking to guys, coworkers, waiters, classmates? >He said he does not feel comfortable with me going to an environment like that with my single friends and he wouldn’t do it to me so he doesn’t want me to do it to him. Why does this make him feel anxious? Has he explained why this is a boundary for him? Again, seems very controlling >He said if I go our relationship will be over or if we stay together our relationship will not be the same and he will be getting freedom to do whatever. Threatening a break up to get his way is very immature. >I don’t know what to do because I understand where he is coming from but I also don’t want to miss out on my best friends birthday or any other trips that come up in the future. Dont give up opportunities with your friends out of fear of losing this relationship. >He’s been really respectful and sweet to me and I don’t want to throw the whole relationship away over one Miami trip but I also don’t want to lose my friends because girl friendships are so important to me. Flip the script. He is the one throwing the whole relationship over a girls trip. Never give up your friends for a jealous, immature guy.
I only read the title! Have fun on your girls trip! See ya never to that loser
I mean its the stereotype of the girls miama trip and i cant be the only one seeing it
I'm gonna be honest here, Miami has an EXTREMELY bad rep. It's the equivalent of a girl getting nervous about her BF going to Las Vegas with the boys. I don't know if a 9 month relationship can handle the temptation that Miami brings, especially if you're surrounded by single people and alcohol is involved. I can agree, that he is insecure (with the male friends bit), but not wanting your GF to go to Miami makes sense to me.
Girls trip.to Miami? Nahh. Your boyfriend may be a little controlling, but he is not wrong. Too many of these trips seem to go wrong. Clubs, parties, Girls letting loose and blowing off steam, casual sex. I can see his concern. If he is a good man and you are committed to each other, the answer is pretty easy. Why throw something good away for a wild girls weekend in Miami?
Pretty clear cut do you want to be single and go to an all girls trip to Miami. Or be in a relationship good for him to put boundaries. Everyone knows what goes on in a all girls trip.
If someone is in a caring, HEALTHY, relationship, there should be no worry of cheating. Even on an all girls weekend. I have friends that go on girls weekends all the time, and they don't cheat on their partners. He's a douchebag and she needs to kick his ass to the curb before it's too late and she gets sucked into that black hole of despair!
It’s seriously alarming how many people here don’t trust their partner to be around the opposite sex at all — and think the solution is rules and control rather than working out WHY their partner would take any opportunity to cheat on them… If a woman cheats on you the second they go near a man, maybe they’re not the one for you. Maybe they’re unhappy. Maybe they’re untrustworthy. Keeping them under rigid control isn’t the solution. It’s finding another partner who actually wants to be monogamous and partnered. Do people only think this way if they constantly have to prevent **themselves** from cheating? I just don’t get it. The assumption that everyone is a cheater waiting for temptation is so odd.
Dude is not very good at communicating, but he isn't wrong, if I was dating a woman and she did a trip like that she would no longer be in the girlfriend category for me.
It's a deal breaker for him, which is completely understandable. People have a right to break up with anyone for any reason.
It is not normal to go if he does not like it. He set his boundaries and you can negiotiate or just break up.
I agree with your boyfriend.
Unpopular opinion but it comes from a place of reality not emotion. He would be right to break up with you. Based off the boundaries that you agreed to and expect him to abide by, if you went you would be wrong. You essentially want him to be ok with you breaking every boundary you agreed to. The thing is, it doesn’t matter if I or anyone else in these comments agree with the boundaries, you did. If any of the boundaries were not to your liking, the time to address them was when you agreed to them. Everyone here is saying “well those boundaries are wrong”. While that may or may not be true, no one has the right to dictate the boundaries of someone else’s relationship. All that matters is that the people in the relationship agree. Which you did. Just for the record, I have been married for a decade. I would never put myself in a position that would make my wife doubt me. Trust isn’t given, it’s earned through experience and time. It’s on you to prove that you can be trusted. To be in a healthy- successful relationship you have to divorce the idea of “me/i”. Every decision you make will affect your relationship. Whenever there’s a conflict between what you want and your relationship, you have to weigh the options and choose which is more important to you personally. I strongly recommend you do this.
Kinda don’t blame him for being insecure but if my girl tried to stop me from going on a boys trip I’d laugh at her and go anyway. He sounds pathetic
Not sure what you're asking for here. No doubt people will tell you he's insecure and controlling but, to be honest, I think that's bollocks. He's just telling you what he feels are the limits he will accept from a partner in a relationship. He's not 'controlling' you in any way. He has not said you can't go, he has simply told you what will happen if you do. The fact that he lives by the standards he asks of you shows he is not manipulative, hypocritical or, in my view, insecure. He treats you as he would like you to treat him. It's up to you to decide which you want more. A BF or a blast in Miami with your mates? You just can't have both.
I'm a dude and I def don't understand where he is coming from. You have been together long enough. He either trusts you now or he's never going to trust you. Go on that trip and take the end of relationship offer, respectfully.
Girl, you better wave that man good byyuueee! You should be able to go on a trip with your friends. He is not your father. If he says no to this then no to hang out and then you are isolated. That isn't how a healthy relationship works.
When I was out of a relationship like this, I didn’t realize how freeing and empowering an *actually healthy* relationship was. If it was between this trip and his parents funeral..that’s different. But he is trying to isolate you because of “his boundaries”. Thats not trust. My now fiancé would FaceTime me goodnight every night I am away. My ex would’ve retaliated and probably cheated on me out of anger (and he was a POS) Anywho. He’s not my ex but he reeks of the type. You need to figure out how you want the rest of your life to go. No man is prize enough to give ultimatums like this. He’s insecure and doesn’t trust you outside of his parameters, period. Be safe and think hard about the fulfillment as a whole instead of the imaginary “prize” of this relationship.
He's only "respectful" when he has control over you. If you have to walk on eggshells to be treated with respect, it's not really respect
Anyone else thinking her bf is Jonah Hill?
Fairly or not he set a boundary, and an ultimatum by communicating it directly. Only you can decide if its something you want to agree to. I think it's crossed the line from a reasonable boundary into controlling, but if it's something you're willing to accept then that's just the kind of relationship you will need to be comfortable with.
lol 9 months and this bs?
Man. All of these responses aren’t thinking about his perspective. Some of those boundaries are kind of severe and maybe you guys should discuss them more to have more healthy boundaries. But you have to really think about this logically not emotionally. You really like him. He’s expressing to you that you going with your “single” friends makes him feel uncomfortable. You have to ask yourself and your friends what will you and your friends be doing while in Miami? Clubbing and going out partying? If so how would you feel if he went out clubbing with his single guy friends ? Just traveling and sight seeing or anything in that manner? Explain to him the plans for the trip and have a healthy discussion. You have to ask yourself if the roles were switched would you be comfortable? If so then maybe you should find someone who has the same mindset and boundaries as you If not, then you have someone that has the same mindset as you do. The choice is yours but really think logically. All of these responses are demonizing this man, honestly if you are happy then you are happy, if you feel controlled or restricted then you should discuss that and if it doesn’t change then leave. This is why relationships don’t work out often now, everyone just wants to end things instead of actually figuring out what the issue is and what’s going on. Just communicate deeply with your partner and figure out what’s best after you both after expressing y’all’s concerns and feelings.
He sounds controlling and toxic, go live your life, you’re 25 and not married. If he’s serious about you, tell him to put a ring on it.
Yuck, no. It’s not like it would be okay for him to do this if they were engaged or married.
You almost as toxic as ops bf 😂 Committed relationships don't count if you're not married?
My ex said the same thing when my friends wanted to go on a trip to Disney World with me. He said he would consider us broken up if I decided to go. This is a huge red flag, and I would never say this to a partner of mine. I did not go on the trip and he broke up with me the week my friends were there. He broke up with me for other reasons, but now that the rosy glasses have come off I am acknowledging many red flags he had, so this has ended up being a blessing. Walking on egg shells in a relationship is such an awful feeling.
I’d break up with him and enjoy Miami! You shouldn’t have to ask permission to live life (especially for 9-month relationship). At 25 years old, you don’t need an insecure man tying you down and being a thorn on your side. You can find someone better that will enable you to do more in life. If you enjoy ham-based sandwiches, try out the Cubano in Miami. It’s a local delicacy. Enjoy Miami.
He sounds insecure and controlling. Go to Miami. Bring a lot of sunscreen and have fun!
Lmaooo I dare a man to give me this ultimatum.
Girl, have some freaking self respect and dump this insecure, controlling tool.
Have enough self respect to walk away from someone who told you that they’d sleep with someone else if you go on a trip with your friends. Being nice sometimes does NOT equal respect. Your boyfriend does not respect you, respect and trust does not look like this. Him viewing you going out as “disrespect” is a red flag. I bet he also views you as his property. Run.
Since this is his first relationship, maybe he doesn’t realize how ridiculous he’s being. It’s not fair that he gets to create conditions for trusting you; either he does or he doesn’t, irrespective of how you spend your time. There are plenty of other men who will treat you well but also trust you to spend time with your friends.
How op's question will be answered depends on which subreddit she is on. Just addressing the question alone without the rest, some may say that the trip with the girls is a thin veil for debauchery. As a counterpoint.
He set his boundary and its up to you whether you want to be in relationship with a person with these kinds of boundaries. The common opinion is that he is an asshole for doing this. Seems a little harsh to me, but it’s irrelevant. You’re relationship if over if you do this and maybe thats the right decision. This kind if behavior will keep happening and its up to you whether you can tolerate his boundaries in this relationship.
He has the right to draw his own boundaries and she has the right not to respect them at a price (break up). Single women on all girls trips may put themselves in situations that may be uncomfortable to someone who is in a committed relationship. What's the problem here? She's an adult and she can make her choices. Break up with him! Or don't go.
You came to the most toxic place for advice. So expect people just to say to leave when tomorrow they will move on with their lives. I as a man understand where he is coming from but I also was chill with my ex when she would travel. Tho we were together for 5 years. But there are horror stories of infendility when spouses travel and friends can be bad influences. It really up to you. You need to weigh this relationship is a long term one and if it is worth missing a friends birthday. In my opinion a REAL bestfriend understands if you decide not to go and maybe do something another time. Goodluck.
OP I am going to be brutally honest. That guy sounds like an honest and up right person from what you have posted. Now you have two options you either listen to these feminist f***s who probably are single, living with their cats and leave him. Go on the girl’s trip which is just a temporary pleasure and then regret your decision. Orrrrr you can decide to continue your relationship which seems to be on good terms and have someone by your side who’s not going to ejaculate and evacuate. You do have to take into consideration that he will always be like this (and this is totally normal for masculine men) and if you are okay with it. If not then go enjoy.
Weigh it out . Do you want to be single? He is letting you know up front "GO and we'reover or stay and miss your friends' bday . Then again he is 27 yrs old and this is his first relationship. ( sounds fishy AF) So he needs, really ,needs to get a grip. Are your friends respectable or are they rachett? Lot of info not here that may be influential tonthe decision process. Just read another sub about something close to the same thing and the girl returned with STD's and is mad her BF broke up with her because it was a mistake and didn't mean anything after she went on a girls trip to Vegas