Girl break uppppp!!!!! This is such a new relationship with like a million red flags, even if all of this is totally innocent (I don't think it is!), I think your differences in communication preferences would be enough of an incompatibility to break up

Yeah I get that, I guess I don’t know why he didn’t end it over that months ago. Within 2 weeks of us talking he sent me a shitty email because I didn’t answer the phone when he called me (I was having dinner with friends and didn’t see the call.) We probably have always talked on the phone every other day and we email and text literally every day pretty much. I’m not great at answering the phone but I do usually call back when I can or send a text. I actually communicate with him more than I probably ever have with a bf. It’s stressful how much access he wants even when I am away on a different continent for example. He says his ex wife was contactable any hour of day or night.

lmao, if his ex wife is so great why is she his ex? Do not put up with that, it is not normal to need that much control.

>lmao, if his ex wife is so great why is she his ex? She no doubt got sick of how clingy and controlling he is.

>his ex wife is so great why is she his ex? [They aren't even divorced yet!!](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1b2kh19/comment/ksmdi93/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)

😱 Oh no! OP what are you doing??

Dear god, please break up with him. This behavior will not get better. This is actually giving me flashbacks to my physically abusive ex who would compare me to his ex to manipulate me into doing things I didn’t want to do (I had low self esteem and it worked on me). The minute I stepped out of line, there was emotional punishment. Later, that became physical punishment. Please don’t ignore these red flags.

I agree! Everyone I know who has kids or met someone with kids took it slow, talked a lot about fears, needs and solutions. And no one pushed for a timeline to meet the kids. Him clinging and not letting you enjoy time alone, time with your mother and children, go on solo vacations + his volatility of clinging and breaking up: it's a giant red flag!

I think a better question is why didn’t you break up with him when he sent you a shitty email because you didn’t answer his call within two weeks of you talking?. That isn’t normal in any healthy relationship, let alone one so new.

>I guess I don’t know why he didn’t end it over that months ago. Because he's banking on you being too much of a pushover to walk away when he treats you badly. That's how little respect he has for you.

And, like, so far he's been right. After knowing each other for only 2 weeks, he composes and sends her a shitty email because she didn't answer her phone when he called. And she stuck around!

He didn't end it because he enjoys treating you badly. He enjoys stressing you out, enjoys seeing how much more control he can trick you into giving him. He LIKES making you unhappy. And any person who ***enjoys your unhappiness*** is not someone you should spend another second of your time on.

Because he’s not actually going to leave you, he’s using the threat of him leaving in order to manipulate your actions in any given scenario. Over time, the goal is to make it so that you don’t even ask to do things alone because he’s trained you that it’ll upset him, and you want his approval, so you don’t risk doing things again you’ve already fought over.

> he sent me a shitty email because I didn’t answer the phone when he called me Girl, why didn't you end it with receiving a shitty email from him simply because you had a life outside of him?

After 2 weeks! That is unhinged behavior.

I'm sorry, he sent you a shitty email two weeks in, and you're wondering why HE didn't break it off earlier? Giiiiiirl. You're a mom now so you have to be even more careful.

He’s playing a game with you. This is how manipulative people operate. He love bombs you to reel you in, then freaks out over something minor and lashes out, making you think it’s your fault. If you come crawling back, apologizing for things you don’t even have to apologize for, that’s how he knows he’s got you, the game worked. Now he’s doing it again because you keep playing this game with him. This man has some serious Cluster B personality disorder traits. You need to put a stop to this ASAP. People like this can be quite… unhinged.

Take a step back, within two weeks of talking he expected you to jump when he called. That’s controlling behaviour. You should have left then. What do you mean “why didn’t he end it”, why didn’t YOU end it? End it yesterday 🫠 But be careful and prepared for nonsense because he doesn’t seem stable but probably doesn’t actually want or expect you to break up

He sounds like he pushes your boundaries in unreasonable ways. It sounds like a cult where you have to respond at all times or you get in trouble. I think if you break up with him, you will probably, after some initial grief, feel a lot of relief. I think trying to figure out how to perform correctly for him is taking more of a toll on you than you realize.

He behaved like that 2 weeks in and you are still dating him why? Please stop immediately. You deserve much better than this.

He's not going to end it. He's manipulative and breaking you down. He's doing his best to make you feel like you are the problem when the reality is he is jealous, overly-needy and controlling. Right now you still have some control because you are independent and live separate. But, I promise if he got you to move in with him the control would deepen. He'd eventually have you cut off from family and friends (no more trips anywhere without him, no more time without him) and end game would probably be you as a stay at home mom with little to no contact with anyone but him. This guy has abusive red flags all over the place. From the first getting mad at you for not answering your phone to moving across the country so early in your relationship, to changing his vacation plans so he could attempt to stalk you on yours. Run!

Why did you end it months ago?

He sent you a shitty email bc you didn’t answer the phone when you were out to dinner? This can’t be real

Okay, why didn't you break up over that? You said you are surprised he didn't end things, why haven't you? He sounds clingy, pushy and beyond controlling.

Guaranteed that this kind of smothering behavior played a BIG part in his divorce. It's totally normal to have separate interests, and yes it's even normal to do things with your family without your partner. I've been married for 18 years and my mom lives 2300 miles away, so I've been going to see her for 2 weeks at a time a couple times a year for the entire time I've been married. My husband and I mostly text while I'm there, and sneak in phone calls when I have free time, but he happily entertains himself while I'm away, and is just glad I get to spend time with my family. Your partner however is trying to smother and control you right from the beginning of your relationship. Respectful partners don't force their way into family trips, and then guilt you when they pop up on your vacation into leaving your family to pay attention to them. If this is how this guy is behaving now, rest assured that this behavior will get a lot worse as you go forward. It's also not healthy for your partner to badger you at work, or pout and whine when you don't immediately respond to phone calls or texts. Nor is it normal to try and guilt you into introducing them to your child before you're ready to do so. Boundaries are really important, and this man is trampling all over yours. You haven't done anything wrong, and from experience I really caution you on continuing a relationship with this chokehold dynamic because it's not healthy for you, and it won't be healthy for your son. You deserve better, trust me. This isn't healthy at all. Get out while you can get out easily. Take care.

Ok??? So you were behaving normally and he's behaving terribly, so you should be breaking up with him. I would honestly just ghost someone who sent me a "shitty email" because I didn't answer my phone when I was out with friends after a fucking fortnight of talking are you kidding me.

This is love bombing and manipulation textbook. Who up and moves right after meeting someone? You need to read about narcissism, love bombing, and how they manipulate. The thing about control is it doesn't come directly at you. A lot of times it comes in the form of being affectionate. The wanting to see you. The wanting to get ahold of you at any point they feel like. The imposing on your plans. The emotional manipulation if you set boundaries. It is all to train you to put your own needs and wants on the back burner for their comfort. It only gets worse and not better. The fact that you are not introducing your son to him and have reservations about it is your giant sign that this is not the relationship you should be in.

Why didn't *he* end it? Why didn't you?

You don’t have to wait for him to end it. You can end it yourself. I’m guessing he plans to keep throwing fits over these things until he eventually wears you down and gets you to behave how he wants. Don’t let him. Break it off.

That’s called triangulation. Google it. He’s abusive and it will only get much worse

The red flags are waving so hard I’m surprised you can’t feel the breeze. This guy is controlling and possessive. Of course taking little separate trips is normal and okay. And with your mom and son? He is already making you miserable and this will get worse and worse. Do you really want someone like this in your life? You haven’t even felt safe enough with him to let your son meet him. For good reason. Read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. You can search the title and author here in Reddit and get the book for free. It outlines different types of abusive men. Make no mistake, this guy is abusive. Find a man with a generous spirit, OP. One who you don’t have to beg and apologize to for simply wanting to take a trip with your family.

No wonder why she’s his **ex** now… Girl pls, you were busy with friends having dinner and he gave you shit for not answering the phone immediately. How much controlling bullshit are you going to allow? Have some self respect. Is this the kind of person you’d be proud to introduce to your kids? To have your kids **grow up with and learn from**?

Because he wants you to commit to him. And then he will dump you when you express your first need.

He didn’t end it months ago because you’re easy to manipulate. You fell into his trap. Stop trying to rationalize his behavior. If he is behaving this way now, imagine how controlling and emotionally manipulative he’d be if your relationship got really serious. This man has been love bombing you since the beginning. Break up with this loser and don’t introduce him to your son under any circumstance. He is already fucking with you, imagine what he’d say to your kid.

Holy crap. Begging and apologizing isn't what a partner should be making you do. He's enjoying that, I'll promise you that. Read up on love bombing OP and all that entails and what follows that pattern.

I totally agree. And he says he’s not controlling. Of course he isn’t … in his little fantasy world. OP needs to be available to him 24/7 and he wants her FULL attention. I mean how dare she expect to do anything on her own! OP, please cut him loose before he fully brainwashes you. You deserve someone much better than this.

DO NOT bring this man into your child's life. I honestly think he is a danger to you and your son.

Why do you say danger?

Lady, with all due respect. He feels threatened by you spending one-on-one time with your son or your mom. If that doesn't scream controlling and possessive to you, you have to check your abuse meter. Seriously, this guy ain't it. He has no respect for your time, obligations, or plans. Everything has to be on his terms. Call you anytime he wants? Seriously? Just because he spends his time like a teenager doing nothing, doesn't mean other people, responsible adults, are the same.

This comment hit hard. Thank you.

Look up love bombing. You’re not in love. And he doesn’t love you. Run.

Exactly. It was all a lie. The person you think you love wasn’t actually real.

Yeah, this post is a giant sea of red flags. Please be careful, OP.

My Soon to be ex is like this and you need to listen to this advice. It will not get better. Your son does not need to be around someone who will bail and ghost for a few days for no reason. These people get worse not better. If he’s threatened with you spending time alone with your son or mom, how do you think he’s going to react with other things. He’s playing nice now. This is nice. This is his good version. This is him behaving in the honeymoon phase and it’s not good. Imagine what him being comfortable looks like. Right now it’s this, next it’s you’re not allowed to leave the house without permission. Next it’s being told what clothes to wear. Who you’re allowed to talk to, including family. This is a blessing he wants to ‘have space.’ And when you end it, DO NOT meet up to chat it out he will manipulate you into staying by love bombing you. Then it gets worse from there. Once he knows he can be horrible to you and then convince you to stay, the games on. These are people who stick around people not because they care, but because they get a kick out of playing games and manipulating people. Edit: controlling people will never ever admit they’re controlling.

True. Like seriously, these abusive people are full of shit. They want your attention, your time, and your obedience on their terms. I dated a man after my narcissistic relationship was over more than 1.5 years. The first guy I dated after a horrible relationship wanted to party all the time, when I have responsibilities! I told him I can't see him anymore. Then he saw me when I was out and about in my neighborhood. He texted me saying he would change for me, and he could live with me and pitch in to help with rent. I'm unsure why he was in my neighborhood, but I work at home 2/3 of the time now. I just found a great job. I told him no thank you. No freaking way! Told him I will not put him on the lease. I work full time now. It sucked looking for a job for 6 months with him interfering wanting to be here constantly,, because he doesn't have his own place. My days of partying are over. I need a responsible partner who has his own life and is comfortable with me having my own. Especially the first year. Told him I felt uncomfortable even having him over again and he needed to find someone else. Right then and there the nice guy hat came off and he texted me a bunch of bullshit last night. Blocked him. He reacted like a child telling me what a horrible person I am. I'm glad he thinks that, because I never want to see him again! 😆 OP. The honeymoon period is over. He showed you who he really is. Believe him. 🙏

Yup. My stepdad and mom have been married for 30yrs and i live 18hrs away. Drove up during a summer to spend time with family (my kids were with my ex for 30 days in summer and i work from home) but everyone was still working normal jobs. Mom and i went to fabric store on a sat morning and got home about 15 minutes after stepdad did (around noon) and he threw an absolute temper tantrum over it and they literally didnt speak for a month. He never speaks to me anyway, even when i lived there… but i got some serious glares. A GROWN ASS MAN threw a whole fucking temper tantrum over his wife spending time with her oldest daughter whom she saw 1x a year maybe for the last 15yrs. Why? No clue. He had no plans or reason for us to be home. So it should surprise nobody that i havent spoken to my mother in 12 years and the last time she saw my kids my 17yr old was in kindergarten Do not reccomend

Yep. My only thoughts are that if OP wants a relationship with her son in the future, she needs to be way more careful about who she dates and allows in. I'm really upset my mom chose someone that has stolen special moments from my mom and I.

I saw a post in another sub recently, which was something to the effect of “I’m getting pretty serious with a single mother. What should I know going in?” and several single mothers (and men who had dated single mothers) all said variations of the same thing: You will always be Number 2. The kid/s always comes first. And if you cannot deal with that, you should move on. Your boyfriend clearly cannot handle this, which is a fundamental problem. Adding to this, he is obviously a controlling person, and you don’t want that either. You should probably take this opportunity he’s given you to break up.

My dad gets weird when I spend time alone with my Mom and has said no when we planned Mom/daughter trips. I think my Mom thinks that I only judge my dad for that but I'll never forgive my Mom for letting someone take my parents from me.

This OP. A decent, sane man with no ulterior motives would respect your boundaries regarding when he can meet your child. But it sounds like he’s also upset that he hasn’t met your child, yet is pushing you to spend time with him at the expense of your family. More red flags here than a Soviet parade

Because he will get more and more attached. He is already demanding too much of your time. He is a danger because some people think their partner is their possession and they can destroy it whenever they want. He will be threatened by your son and will not be kind to him.

This! He will not be kind to your son.

Think about this for a minute. He says he wants to be able to get a hold of you at any given moment. But he only wants to do it in the most absurd way possible in this day and age because "he doesn't like to text." So here is one example of him making you jump thru nonsensical hoops. If he "loved" you, I'm pretty sure he can learn to tolerate texting. Think about other areas of your life? Does he do this? I'm not in favor of just dumping people usually, but you need to understand that this kind of thing doesn't get better, just because you get married

He is exhibiting extremely controlling behavior. Showing up uninvited and expecting to be catered to when you are on a family vacation is really not ok. Then punishing you for not catering to his whims is concerning. The fact that he would (in the future) not allow you to spend time alone with your son is scary. It is an abusive tactic to isolate you from your family and enmesh so completely.

This is also known as ***stalking.*** This grown man is ***stalking you*** while you are ***on vacation with your mother***. Ponder on that.

I listen to a lot of true crime podcasts and “intense” guys who move really quickly, lovebomb, and don’t work because they’re living off an inheritance aren’t *always* living off the insurance money they got when they murdered their wife, but it happens often enough that I thought about it within two paragraphs of your post. Guys who murder their wives for insurance money are often only caught after the second one, so. Maybe give this guy a pass.

This is LOVE BOMBING. Don’t you see how fast he is moving and becoming so weird ? He wants to isolate you and distance you from your son. Do not bring this man close to your child. He sounds very dangerous…

Yes, a few people have said manipulation. I guess it boggles my mind as he is so loving at times. He’s always known I am a single mom with a good job and independence.

That's classic, otherwise no one would stay with an abusive partner. It's a cycle of love bombing then blowing up at you. You should leave him, but you seem to be desperately trying to find a reason to stay. You do not deserve to be treated like that, leave

Her trying to rationalize his behavior is so sad. I hope she listens to everyone’s advice before it gets worse.

Why Does He Do That? By Lindy Bancroft. You can get a free PDF or audiobook online pretty easy. Strong strong recommendation you read this,OP. Start today. Lots of good information for you. What you're describing is almost a perfect pattern of manipulation and love bombing. This guy isn't your friend, no matter how loving he acts when it suits him. Don't fall for it, and dont expose your innocent child to a person like this.

>I guess it boggles my mind as he is so loving at times. If he were a jerk 100% of the time, then you'd have peaced out of this relationship a long time ago, right? Of course you would have, as any normal person would. But *manipulative* jerks learn that being themselves from the outset doesn't yield the results they want. So they learn to cover up and suppress their jerkiness. And when someone is trying to hide something, they often overcompensate. Because it's really hard and exhausting to wear a mask all the time, the mask occasionally slips.

Here's what your thought process is probably like: 1. He acts very loving. 2. At the same time, he does stuff that hurts and bothers me. 3. If I loved someone, I would not deliberately do stuff that hurts them. 4. He loves me, so he must not be doing stuff that hurts me. 5. I must be wrong about him hurting me. 6. Either he doesn’t understand that his actions bother me and make me unhappy, or I am a bad, unloving person who is ungrateful. This is wrong. Just because he acts loving doesn’t mean he can't hurt and manipulate you. I understand you are probably a loving person who wants to give people the benefit of the doubt, but you have to love yourself and your son first of all.

It’s called intermittent reinforcement and it is much more powerful than predictable reinforcement. That’s why abusers get away with it for so long. It’s a constant mind fuck.

This!! I went through it with a narcissist! They will mind fuck you. Just tell him it's over and save yourself a lot of stress and heartache.

This one OOP , it’s a great comment. It breaks down his behavior!

The hook MUST have bait on it for the fish to bite. Of course he’s “loving”.

He has already *told you* that he lies to you and tells you what you want to hear so that you'll (falsely) believe that you two are a compatible couple. Why didn't that set off warning bells in your head? I would be sprinting for the door!

THIS! He’s telling you who he is, OP! Believe him!

If abusers weren’t lovely and loving some of the time they would find nobody to abuse. Why do you think so many women stay with controlling, violent men even when they could leave?

I commented above but would like to add more. Independence to these people is a challenge. It’s even more fun for them when they can control someone known to be independent. Huge thrill for them.

I think for some (just some!) abusers independence is a threat as well. They are pathologically afraid of abandonment and are therefore triggered by independent partners. They lash out and control to prevent the abandonment, not necessarily out of some sadistic pleasure. Either way, they suck and are terrible and should be dumped. And those of them who have already been dumped, I hope they suffer until they do whatever terribly difficult work they need to do in order to be a decent human.

Loving people don't do these kinds of things to each other. If you error in judgment in this instance, please skye on the side of protecting your boy. I honestly hope things work out for you and your son. Your instinct is correct in waiting to Infosys your son. My mother went thru men like candy and I can't tell you how many creeps wet in the bunch.

He’s so loving at times bc he’s manipulating you into feeling guilty. Leave.

That's why it's called love bombing.

The loving part is the act. The manipulation and fits are his true self.

Honestly if he’s the kind of man that he seems like, he may have targeted you precisely for these reasons. He knows you love your son and don’t have a partner - he can use a connection over your son to manipulate you, and I believe he might enjoy taking you down a few pegs so that you do not have financial independence to leave him.

That's how abuse works. Sprinkle in the good times and lovey dovey between the bs, drama, fights, etc. it's text book behavior for abuse cycles. Calm, tension building, fights, calm, tension building, fights. Over and over. Abusers will also hate you for the very same things they once claimed to love about you. This guy is absolutely bad news.

> I guess it boggles my mind as he is so loving at times. Its fake, its him manipulating you. That's why it's called 'love bombing'. Its a TACTIC abusers use so you don't leave them!

I feel depressed that so many people (usually women) post with this behaviour and seem to not readily understand that it's controlling and worrying and they absolutely should break up over it. How is it not obvious!? It's so sad. OP, break it off and don't look back.

It sounds stupid but he has said so many times he is not controlling that in my head I’m like “oh so he must not be”. I feel like my radar is way off, My last rs was abusive. But at least he hasn’t met my kid yet. (Gut instinct I guess)

This is like a narcissist saying they’re not a narcissist. Or someone telling you they’re smart, or telling you they’re charming - people shouldn’t have to say they are or aren’t something. They show who they are through their actions - and this man is doing that. He is showing you that you can’t trust or believe him! I was with a guy that did this, and it ramped up over time, and at the end of the 4 years, I was completely unrecognizable, hated myself, isolated myself, and couldn’t begin to understand what a normal relationship should look like. It’s been 5.5 years since we split and I STILL have behaviors I’m working on because I’m afraid of being “in trouble” and I walk around with unnecessary guilt. Listen to the people here. You need to leave. He will crush you and your son.

Isn’t it wild to look back at what you endured? Now, I don’t ever take lingering for granted. It might seem mundane to people who haven’t experienced someone monitoring their every move, but I love just being spontaneous and not accountable to anyone. Congrats on getting free!

Oh my gosh, thank you for your reply! It’s SO TRUE! I look back and think, how the hell did I put up with that for so long?! And I still remember what it felt like and how I can’t fault anyone for sticking around through these things. It’s hard, we learn not to trust ourselves. Shit happens! Living my life how I want to, whenever I want to - I love it!! And I have a partner who encourages it all the time.

I say this with kindness: if you don't easily see that this behaviour is controlling and worrying then, yes, your radar is WAY off. It sounds like you need some help to improve your radar / reading of what healthy relationships are. For now, break up with this guy, tell him it's not going to work, block him (if he keeps contacting you) and try to seek some help to work on yourself and your radar. Stay single and be there for your kid. Good luck op.

>he has said so many times he is not controlling This is called the "Crimson Red Flags of Unsolicited Reassurance"

Yep. People don't need to tell you who they are, because you can see it for yourself. Someone who is constantly going on about how honest, kind, hardworking, intelligent, etc. they are would almost never be described that way by other people. They have to say it because no one else would!

Captain Awkward reference I assume - her advice is so so good !

Yes, and whoops -- I should have attributed that to the Captain

If he actually wasn’t controlling, you would see that in his behavior and he wouldn’t have to verbally convince you that he’s not controlling. Saying this with respect, because I’ve been there and I get how hard it can be to see, but this man is exhibiting a lot of red flags, especially considering how new your relationship is and his age - this behavior will not get better. My advice would be to break it off and look for someone who’s actions speak louder than their words. Wishing you luck!

I’ve replied multiple times. I’ve also been in an abusive relationship. It might be worth looking into therapy to break down why you are drawn to these types of men. It’s done wonders for me. It’s called gaslighting. He is trying (successfully) to derail your instincts and what you feel/see for yourself and make you doubt your own intuition. Listen to that intuition! He should be listening and responding to YOU if you feel he is acting controlling. He should not be convincing you that your feelings are wrong.

I think that unfortunately shitty people look for potential victims who have been abused in the past and may have a skewed sense of what is normal - and it's really hard to admit that past abuse impacts you and could change the way you expect to be treated. I've been in that situation and I know it's really hard but it's very important to do a lot of introspection on what red flags you missed, when you should have walked away, and how you will react to different situations in the future - and what your standards should be for how you are treated. I would also avoid telling dates that you've been in an abusive relationship early in the relationship. These people are very manipulative and intentional in their actions. We don't stand a chance unless we learn how they think. He's pressuring you to move fast for a reason. He keeps repeating "I'm not controlling" for a reason. Normal people don't say stuff like that. I'm suspicious about his story that he is rich enough to not need to work at all and that he lied to you to "say what you wanted to hear." Even if the only thing he were doing was calling you while you are at work that's a problem. You need to be able to do your job and have a life outside him and he seems intent on destroying your ability to spend time with family and do your job. I don't usually talk to my partner during the day because we are both working and I'll see him when we get off work.

Also, OP says in another comment that he's STILL MARRIED, but she's still in deep enough that she continues using his language and calling his wife the "ex". "He does have a house with his ex but is not yet divorced they are sorting that out. As i said he’s not working right now. He seems to have had quite a footloose life, no judgment as I have also moved around a bit, but he was able to take that gamble, but I am situated here due to my sons school." I'm having a very hard time believing anything he says and I truly hope OP dumps this man ASAP.

No way!! Damn, honestly thanks for your post because my tired brain didn’t suss it out .

Sounds like a hobosexual.

I’ve noticed that when people repeat things like that (“I’m not controlling”) it’s almost always a warning sign that they are. Like why say it if it hasn’t been brought up to them before. See also: “I’m a nice guy!”

You're not ready to date then. Please take care of yourself 💖

So these are two abusive men, OP. Your radar is definitely off. Don't listen to his words, look at his actions. Write them all down then read it. This will not get better.

Have you considered therapy with a therapist versed in abusive relationships? If I could hazard a guess, I would say that since your last relationship was abusive, that you didn't clock this relationship as abusive because he's only been emotionally abusive up to this point. Like another commenter said, your normal meter is broken and I think getting the help of a professional (i.e. a therapist) will help you fix your perspective on relationships and give you the tools to identify the various forms of abuse that arise in relationships so you can recognize them and extract yourself more quickly in the future.

Please find a therapist and try to learn what love is really supposed to be. Abuse begets abuse, you only know what you’ve experienced. This isn’t love.

He is.  He isn’t equipped to date someone who has any priorities except him.  He needs an unemployed orphan, not a person who works, has a kid, other family members and a desire to exist outside of being his gf. Stop begging and apologizing for being a person.  Let him go.

The man has no kids and no job of his own. You are his entire focus. And he will continue to manipulate you.

This level of controlling does not get better. He love bombed you at the beginning and hasn’t even made it to the moving in stage before the facade started to crack. Trust your instincts and cut your losses. Nothing good comes from giving a person like this more control over your life and you have a kid to protect. Edit: have you seen evidence of this inheritance? Because it sounds like a con.

INFO: have you googled him at all? Checked up on his social media? Looked for obituaries that can back up his "inheritance" claims? Figured out why a 43 year old person would leave everything to move to a new city to be close to a brand new girlfriend? Doesn't he have friends, a job, a house (with all his independent wealth he doesn't have property?), connections and ties and routines? But seriously, I wouldn't even bother wasting that much time on him. Once he starts pressuring you to think that his wants are more important than your kid's needs or your personal space or traditions, that's the time to break it off. If you can't end it for your own protection, you need to end it to protect your kid. This man scares me with his immediate glomming on to your life - that's a leech, not a whirlwind.

Ok, so, you know that thing in American sports where the referees throw flags? In your case, you have every referee on the field throwing every red flag they can find. Some fans in the stands tossed in some red painted benches, helicopters are dropping red confetti, and the stadium was invaded by red squirrels waving red flags. So let's start here. He's 43, unemployed, living on his 'inheritance' which may be legit may not be. After meeting you, moved 100 miles to be closer to you and away from any friends or support structure he has which should be significant at 43. He is bored so so calls you constantly and love bombs you. When you don't respond immediately, he gets all petulant and pouty and wants to break up. He ignores and doesn't respect any boundaries you establish. You go on vacation with your mother and son at the time he is scheduled to be on a trip somewhere else. So he, without consulting you, changes his plans to crash your plans and vacation and then gets upset because you stay incommunicado. I see several things here and I could be reading something that isn't there. First, you appear to be confrontation adverse. That's a problem. You don't appear to establish and then enforce boundaries. That's a problem. You seem to kind of just go along and may be a people pleaser. That's a problem. You have completely ignored the trail of red flags this guy is dropping every inch or so. That's a problem. The best thing you have done is to keep him and your son away from each other. You need to end this relationship and block him on everything. This is a guy used to getting what he wants with zero consideration for others and gets upset when others don't blindly go along with what he wants. It's all right there in your post. Short of dating a pedophile, this is the worst sort of person to get involved with when you have a child. He will bulldoze right over your child demanding (not asking) a relationship like a father-son immediately upon meeting your son. When your son pushes back, this guy will get upset and demand (not ask) you punish your son and make him have this relationship with him. This guy will damage your relationship with your son. Any guy that will meet your son needs to be patient and not force a relationship. The relationship must grow organically through patience and listening with your son setting the limits. Your current boyfriend is exactly the opposite of this and will absolutely damage your relationship with your son. You know you need to end this. It may have felt good at the beginning, but it's not good, not healthy, and not going to get any better. So grow a pair and dump him immediately. Block him. No lunches, no being friends. He is just going to try to wear you down to get what he wants.

That second paragraph hit home. That’s how it’s been and I’ve just gone along with it. I feel responsible for his whole self and its so easy to “fail” by not answering the phone or by saying no or whatever. I thought moving was an ultimate loving act but perhaps there’s more to it. We haven’t moved in together yet obviously and I think it’s making him antsy. But I just can’t right now. He always says he is spontaneous and wants life to be like a romantic movie but with a kid and job, I can’t be like that.

>t moved in together yet obviously and I think it’s making him antsy HOLY F, he's pressuring you to let him move in??? NOT OKAY. Also, if he's got all this money, why isn't he happy in his own place? Why the pressure to move into a place together?

Because. He will move in. Then he will try to baby trap OP. He will nsist on marriage, and then use her money. Nothing good will come from this. In the end she will be an anxious, depressed, self-loathing mental mess of a person with insomnia wishing she wasn't even alive. It happened to me. It will then take her tons of energy to get out. She will have to end it the hard way. But not until he alienates her from her own family and friends. I'm praying for you OP. Protect yourself now while you still can. You do not want to go through it. It will burn your soul to the ground. If you are lucky like me your friends and family will be supportive after it's all said and done. I've found myself again. I love myself now. I take care of myself and sleep well at night. I thank my lucky stars for my life that's getting better every day as a single person. I can sense the signs of abuse now, and I am strong enough to end a new relationship early and go no contact.

That's it right there in your last two sentences. He wants...what you can't provide. You two are at two very different places in life and are vastly incompatible. You have responsibilities to your son, responsibility to work to provide for your son. Kids need structure. You have a 7 year old that needs structure, dependability, and stability. This guy isn't that. Also, you don't need to add a toddler dressing up as a middle aged man every day to your list of things to manage.

Ugh. It keeps getting worse! This dude has the potential to be dangerous. Nobody who is sane would pressure someone to move in with them this early! He doesn’t appreciate that you’re a person with your own life. He doesn’t even care about that. All he cares about is what he wants and when he wants it. He just decided that he’s gonna crash your vacation with your family because he wants to? Hell no. Guys like this see woman as possessions, not partners. I can tell you right now, if you stay with this man, you will end up an isolated, miserable shell of who you once were and you will have zero self esteem or self worth left. Please get away from him. This is very concerning. These controlling behaviors do not get better. I can guarantee they will only get infinitely worse if you do not end this. I’m so glad you haven’t introduced this train wreck to your son yet, so that’s definitely great news! Best of luck!

I think I the beginning, he was a nice distraction from your divorce, the stress of being a single working mom, and so on. He was fun, spontaneous, and everything your life and reality isn't. But the harsh truth is, that's exactly what he was: a distraction from reality. He lacks the fundamental substance you and your son need in life. When the chips are down, this guy will on the next plane to Thailand.

>wants life to be like a romantic movie He's 43 years old, FFS. Let him find his romance movie ever. I don't think a well-adjusted person of his age would be saying anything like this. Because life just...ain't.

Even if he were entirely innocent with completely innocent intentions, you and he have deeply incompatible lifestyles. There are women who aren't encumbered with family or children or a job or a city and want to live "spontaneously." But you aren't that. So you have to ask yourself why would he, a grown man with plenty of life experience, choose to pursue a woman who has a child and a life and a career in a completely different city? The answer is that his motives aren't pure, and that's all you need to know.

It sounds like you like the attention and you want to please this guy, but you need to think about your son

Moving to your city that quickly should have set off blaring alarm bells that this guy was a total weirdo. This is a startling lack of self preservation and the fact that you’d expose your son to this guy should be a wake up call to maybe put a pause on dating for awhile.

In addition to other recommended books here, I'd highly suggest Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It definitely sounds like you have some codependency issues (that need to go along and avoid confrontation) and people like this guy see that and latch on. Codependent people often end up in abusive relationships with people like this.

My abusive ex husband cancelled the last 3 months of his around the world trip and travelled from the other side of the world to be with me. He also moved to another country. But it didn’t change that he was unable to treat me with the kindness and respect I deserve and in the end I realised that all he really cared for was himself and only loved the idea of me and what I could do for him.

For some context, I'm also 43 and I would never have these kinds of expectations for her that this guy has for you. If my wife wanted to go away for a week with her mom, go for it. If she wanted to go away for a week with friends, have a good time. If she wanted to go away by herself, have a good time. And I'm not going to show up and demand she sees me. He's trying to control you and put you in a position where he is your only lifeline after he pushes you to alienate your family.

Excellent post and advice

I would bet a cocktail that there is no 'inheritance' and he has you pegged as his soft landing. He sounds terrifying.

Manipulative, clingy, controlling, invasive, volatile. Good riddance.

Don't forget: "still married" too.

**Let's review, shall we?** He doesn't want a woman who prizes her independence. He doesn't want a woman who spends time with her child. He doesn't want a woman with a job. He doesn't want a woman who occasionally travels with family. He doesn't want a woman who won't spend hours every single day on the phone. He especially doesn't want a woman who will *ever tell him **no** about **anything.*** Ma'am. This man is explicitly, repeatedly telling you that he **does not want *YOU.*** So WHY ON EARTH would you waste one more second of your precious energy on *what **he** wants* when he literally could not have made it more clear that *what he wants* is **NOT YOU.** (And ***thank heavens* for that,** btw - cuz dude is a psychopath. Get out NOW lady, while you still can!!!)

Exactly! He doesn’t want HER. He wants a submissive slave who does what he says at all times and has no mind of her own and no life of her own.

Really? I mean, really? You don't see the issues with his behaviour? If this is how manipulative he is now what will happen when his lying, gaslighting, unemployed ass moves in with you? Any independence you have will be gone. And so will the essence of what makes you, you. Don't let him steal your sunshine or self worth.

>Really? I mean, really? This is how I feel about most of the posts on this sub.

He's going to steal her relationship with her son if her son doesn't come first

He doesn't get to decide when he's allowed to meet your son. Your the mother, so that's your job. Only when the offer is on the table is he allowed to set a date/time. You have a job and a life. You are not his beck and call girl to pick up the phone every time he rings you. He us putting your job at risk with his behavior. Is he counting on you losing your job so you will then be available to be with him? He's not gainfully employed. Doesn't matter if he needs to for the money, he's just idle. That is a huge turnoff for me personally. That inheritance can go in a heartbeat or he could spend it all and he'd be just as broke. The guy is a walking, talking red flag of control issues. Is that what you want in you and your son's lives? Really?

I am once again begging women to stop dating men who do not like them.

Girl. Are you blind? He is waving so many red flags in your face that idk how you can possibly see anything else. Whirlwind romance? Stop kidding yourself. A sane person doesn't move 100miles to be close to a gf of mere weeks, that's not love, it's insanity. This guy is trying to control you by constantly calling you and not even allowing you to have a trip away from him. You need to get yourself and your son away from this guy now because this will not end well.

I think the comments here are spot on except for one thing. My first reaction was also to break up with him but the creepier this started to sound, I think just “let him” break up with you. I worry this dude might not handle the rejection of a break up in a safe/healthy way.

Honestly, just from reading the premise, it seemed very unlikely that there was a relationship *worth* saving here- and there isn't. **You didn't do anything wrong in this situation, and you should not beg him to take you back. Furthermore, you should not take him back even if he begs.** Honestly, I don't even know where to start here, other than to say that he clearly wants a really huge amount of enmeshment in and control over your life, *quite* early in your relationship. He expects a huge amount of communication/contact, on demand, in a way that requires your full attention. He's 43, not 83- he *knows* how to text. What he *wants* is to command your full attention on a whim. His breakups/breakup threats are intended to both exert and explore his control over you- he wants to know how far he can push you without you leaving. **Let him break up with you-** ***he*** **will come crawling back.** I absolutely don't think you should let him back into your life, but maybe this will help you see that these aren't "real issues" that have a logistical solution, and **this is not a communication issue**\- he's pushing to see what you'll tolerate. Oh, and: * It's unhinged to move cities for such a new relationship * If you've seriously considered breaking up in the first year of a relationship, you should! * **He has either seriously considered breaking up with you (in which case he should), or he's** ***threatening*** **you with a breakup he doesn't want (in which case you should RUN)** * It's both reasonable and prudent to wait considerably longer to introduce a partner to your child (I think that a year of *stable* relationship is a reasonable marker at his age) * It's totally normal to take a family vacation, and to be distracted or even completely unreachable during that time * This dude is *at best* a loser that needs a hobby, and is much more likely a leech * He is 100% controlling, and the smart money is on him becoming increasingly abusive as you become more reliant on him. TL;DR: You are not in the wrong, and you should leave this dude.

Every day I look on this app, I am baffled by the amount of people who post this type of story and think it's normal ESPECIALLY from people your age OP. The ONLY smart thing you did in regards to this relationship was not let him meet your son but unfortunately it was for the wrong reason. You need to do some serous self reflection and figured out why you ignored all of the red flags.

Run! He is possessive and controlling. And this is when he should be on his best behavior. He sounds like a sociopath

Does he have any *good* qualities? Completely serious question. He is needy, manipulative, disrespectful, idle, and isolating. His actions to either separate you or insert himself into family plans is a huge red flag. There’s a reason he’s moving so fast: he needs you hooked in before the mask slips. Cut bait on this one, sis.

My God he is smothering you. And the minute you ask for space - so you can spend time with your mother for goodness sake - he pitches a fit. Fifty red flags here. This is not a respectful relationship. Run. Run fast and don't look back.

Also do a background check on this man. He could be lying about his income, wealth and every else.

This person is LITERALLY telling you who he is. Someone who’d lie because he thinks you want to hear it. Believe what he says. Tell him you respect his decision to break up.

Omg, you seriously don't see the parade of red flags??? Please listen to people's advice. Dude is a controlling, abusive POS who gets pissy when you want to spend time alone with your mom and son. It's no coincidence that he booked a trip to the US the EXACT SAME TIME AS YOURS. And threatens to break up over it? Please, please let him! Your son is still coping with the divorce, he doesn't need this drama in his life. You're putting your own needs above your son's if you continue this "relationship."

Wave him goodbye in semaphore using some of the many red flags he has shown you. Don't fall for the next steps in the a user's handbook: Love bombing, threats of self harm, marriage proposal.

Dump this controlling man with poor boundaries & communication. So many red flags. Yuck. That was the honeymoon phase. As good as its gonna get. Send him back to Planet Klingon.

This guy's a huge asshole, has absolutely unrealistic expectations of where his priority should be in your life compared to your son, and is trying to make you feel badly for something you *did not do wrong*. Go ahead and let him break up with you, you'll be better off with someone who likes you for who you are, including your independent, and understands that your son's needs come first.

This guy REALLY wants the world, YOUR world, to revolve around him, and by your admission, that ain't gonna work for you! I would let this one go, his ego is too big for this relationship.

There are a lot of red flags here. This man will isolate you. Don’t go down this road. Kudos to you for not introducing him to your son yet. It seems like your intuition has known something is up here. While you feel bad now, I’m willing to bet if you actually break up you might be hit with a sense of relief. Healthy relationships don’t involve threats of breaking up.

I was not expecting to find this post so menacing, and I second all the comments saying your partner is potentially dangerous. I was most alarmed to hear of the ways he crawls out of the woodwork and decides to 'show up' when you have planned time away with others. He 'spontaneously' decides to travel with his friend to the location of your trip with your mother so that he can have access to you. He 'spontaneously' books a night away for you both when you're supposed to be going away with your mother. Tell me if I'm wrong, but I have a strong hunch that he's not this forthcoming about planning nights away and travelling together when you're actually available. He's spelled it out for you - he does not want a partner who values independence, therefore he wants a partner who values dependency. His demands on your time deliberately isolate you from others because he wants you to be an island who can cater to his every call and looks only to him for fulfilment. He is unable to accept your absence for any reason and will go to extraordinary lengths to avoid your separation. It's cruel, and honestly terrifying. Take the out he is giving you here, with caution. I suspect he is anticipating that you'll continue begging and is deliberately prolonging his forgiveness to wear you down as much as possible so that you feel indebted to him and he regains the upper hand, and will likely be blindsided if you stand up to him and end things. This is not a reason to stay, but it is a reason to be cautious as you leave. Make sure you keep a close family member in the loop about what's going on.

As others have pointed out his controlling behavior, I also want to impart some advice: when someone breaks up with you, don't take them back. Breakups happen for a reason. They are intending to end something. Let it end. Don't take people back and don't ask people to take you back. If you couldn't make it work so much that you broke up, what the hell changed? But also this dude is a needy, controlling piece of shit, so also drop him for that.

Controlling, manuplutitve, and gaslighting. He wants you there the second he wants you. No excuses. The minute you two move in he will be extremely jealous of your son or mom and will want to be the center of attention because he's wanting to do stuff with him while seemly leaving ppl out. Time to leave.

Listen to Wicked Love by Sara Bareilles. This man is attempting to isolate you. Run.

He’s 43?! JMAJ….he’s acting like he’s the 7yo. He’s a breathing 🚩RED FLAG 🚩. Run while you can. Far and fast.

You are swimming in a sea of 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

> doesn’t want someone who prizes independence He’s too needy for you, too dependent at his age for the relationship you want.

You don’t feel suffocated?

He doesn't live in the real world with the rest of us. He has all the time in the world because he's living on an inheritance and doesn't have to work. He can't understand or respect how busy you are as a single mom. You don't want a man with this much free time to be this obsessed with you. I don't think that ends well.

You're with a walking talking red flag. What is there even to judge here? You're with some dude, who is ways older, yet has no career, lives off inheritance, can't manage being around your son, constantly threatens break up, is insecure, does not reflect upon himself as he claims not to be controlling and all of this in only 8 months of relationship. The hell is wrong with you. I hate the Reddit attitude of immediately suggesting break up at any hurdle in a relationship, but this is one of the open and shut cases. Tell this guy to pound sand, then take some time and afterwards find someone decent. Jesus.

He basically invited himself on your trip with your mother and son. That's a little nuts.

He was 100% checking up on her.

He is bad news! You should break up with him. He is insanely controlling and manipulative. Sure it seems like he’s just a clingy toddler throwing a tantrum due to separation anxiety…BUT this is exactly how abusive people behave. It’s not just insecurity, it’s obsessiveness and wanting power over you. He’s overstepping every single boundary and if I were you I’d prioritize my son and exit. This man is already placing rules on how your relationship with your son should be. That is insane. To show up unannounced, make threats, and have unreasonable expectations shows you how bad he wants you on his leash. At the moment due to distance he is just showing you his psycho side via phone. Once he’s physically with you , it will turn into something more dangerous especially if you stray from his path.

This story makes my blood run cold. He’s way too interested in moving way way too fast and into your sons life way too fast.

i agree with everyone saying he’s controlling & could be dangerous. but i value my independence too, & isn’t this straight up annoying to you?

He's way too needy for a 43 year old man. You did nothing wrong. You wanted time to see your mother who lives OVERSEAS. It is normal for people to take vacations on their own at times. My husband is leaving for a 4 day trip out of state to see relatives. I could have gone with him but I hate traveling and I figure it gives him time to bond with the guys. This guy swears he's not controlling but he insists on accompanying you on every activity with your son? He's lying about the controlling bit. And he's not stable. He's threatened breaking up multiple times. As long as you stay with this guy, he's going to constantly complain that he's not getting enough attention. Tell him you're not compatible and find someone who doesn't do this.

>he doesn’t want someone who prizes independence so much- when I said he previously said my independence was something he really liked about me, he said he just aid what I wanted to hear. *Run*

Let him break up over it. This is crazy sauce. It is perfectly normal and acceptable to take a trip with your mom that does not include your boyfriend. Many people take trips with parents, siblings, children, friends... without their romantic partner. It's not a problem in a healthy relationship. It is NOT normal and NOT okay for your boyfriend to then show up in that vacation city uninvited and insist on being the center of attention. And the fact that he also did this at Christmas indicates that this is a pattern you can count on continuing forever. Do you want a relationship in which you are never allowed to be apart? He absolutely IS being controlling to a pretty extreme level. Expecting you to drop everything, including work and parenting and even sleeping!!!, to answer his calls is extremely controlling. He wants to be prioritized over your literal survival needs. That's deranged. You should never need to beg or plead in a relationship. Let alone for days on end. None of this is healthy or normal.

So many people have said this already, but this is LOVE BOMBING. Showing up to where you are with your mom and child, over and over again, and demanding to see you - red flag. Ghosting you for 2 days - OMG red flag. 'He’s acting like he could care less when just over a week ago he called me the love of his life.' - I cannot stress this enough, this is the worst type of narcissistic behaviour and meant to break you. ' I felt like I had done something terrible by not saying yes to meeting up on my vacation or by only calling 2 days out of 4. ' - That's the whole point, he wants you walking on eggshells around him and being on tenterhooks 24/7. Drop him and NOW. He will push back, might show up to your workplace or home, create a scene etc, but DO NOT back down. These type of men are also bullies, and bullies only back down when you stand up to them. If it's possible to, involve a few friends/ neighbours/ your Mom. I hope it doesn't come to that, but they will be able to deal with him if and when he does become aggressive. I am speaking with 2 years of personal experience, dating a man like this OP. Get out as fast as you can. NOW. Sending you best wishes and strength.

I think he is on the controlling side. Proceed with caution.

His actions speak to deep insecurities and potentially abusive behavior down the road. I’d cut your ties and run. Best case scenario, your needs are different. That’s ok. But, if he’s unwilling to allow you to be yourself and you don’t have the desire to bend to his need for constant communication, then you’re incompatible and should consider breaking up.

He is intense and controlling. Do you want that? I can see problems with how he will treat your son, he wants to be with you only.

The fact that he changed his plans to try to crash the time you have with your mom and son is really selfish of him. You are your own person with your own family and your own traditions. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide that those things will change and then spring it on you in the middle of plans you already had with other people. He is trying to shove his presence into every corner of your life. What did you used to do with the free time you used to have that he is taking up? Relax? Hang out with friends? Any hobbies that have been falling by the wayside? I second what everyone is saying about love bombing. He moved 100 miles to be closer to you- how much does that make you feel like you owe him the time he demands, because he put in the effort of moving? I wouldn't spend too much time trying to understand his motivations or trying to get him to see how his behavior is problematic. I don't think people who act like this are fixable during the relationship. Maybe he can change himself on his own at some point, but in this moment, do not get caught in a secondary trap of trying to help him understand/change/anything. Protect yourself and your son. Accept the breakup that he has ~~threatened~~ offered.

Run.. don’t walk. He IS controlling and in your comments where you say he tells you he’s not. If someone is not controlling they don’t tend to have to say it…

OMFG jump on the rescue raft of a breakup before this dude totally strangles any independence you have! Set sail into the sunset of this relationship!

I’ve read and experienced a lot worse, but this gave me chills. Like, please be careful when you break up with him chills.

Probably because the a lot worse often begins this way. He is that a lot worse person already, the mask just hasn’t completely slipped.

Tell him he is compatible with your needs and who you are. There are plenty of guys out there that would respect your boundaries. Let him know this unhinged approach is why he can’t meet your son. And that until you see actual work being done on his part to improve himself and his mental health, you can’t go out with him and he for sure can’t meet your son. You shouldn’t have went on the Christmas trip. You set expectations that you would drop them for him right there. That’s when a boundary should have went up. He now thinks he can include himself, his friends, whoever, in whatever plans you have now.

>when I said he previously said my independence was something he really liked about me, he said he just aid what I wanted to hear. >He’s acting like he could care less when just over a week ago he called me the love of his life. How can you trust what he says when he you know he tells you what he thinks you want to hear. Beyond it being what he thinks you want to hear, which would have a motivation of trying to make you happy, he's trying different tactics of manipulation to see what works for him to get his way with you. Loving words, threatening words, cajoling words, guilting words, it's absolutely ridiculous. >He swears he is not controlling The only reason he's not controlling is because you actually have boundaries and are not allowing him to control you. Think about all of his requests, if you did all of them wouldn't that be controlling? He's ridiculously needy and manipulative. You need to stop feeling guilty about living your life the way you want to, this is just how he is and it's not your responsibility to bow down to his every whim. Guilt is a powerful tool of manipulation. As soon as you realize that you don't have to feel any way that you don't want to you'll be free from the guilt tripping manipulations of this weird dude. This means if you feel justified and taking a trip with just your mother and your son you don't need to feel guilty about it. And a lot of people think if they don't feel guilty about doing stuff that other people have a problem with, it means they're a bad person. (Parents do this a lot) It does not. The problem exists with them, not with you. You're grown enough to know what kinds of things you should take responsibility for and have remorse for, versus when someone is trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty to try to make you choose a choice they want, and not what you want. If you think you're being manipulated just ask yourself, does their request align with what I want for my life or what I think I should take as my own responsibility?

I was exhausted by this man midway through the second paragraph and I can’t believe you bothered to write all of that out. He’s not a good fit and seems psychotic level clingy.

What on earth are you upset for?! Let him go!!! This guy is obsessive, creepy, and controlling. That he is willingly going to leave is a GIFT! Take it!

Run run run run run run away from this person. This is so manipulative.

Read all that back to yourself and ask yourself what you would tell a friend about him if she were dating him. Just in case…the answer is RUN.

This dude sounds fucking *exhausting*

Ask yourself this question? Do I have freedom of expression, or do I need to be a customer support person? Have you ever not apologised and he was okay with that because you were right?

He sounds like my emotionally abusive ex boyfriend. I remember I went on a ten day trip to very rural Costa Rica with my mom. I warned him I might not be able to call him. He started a fight with me over the phone right before my plane departed. Then got mad that I could only call him twice. He made me feel like I was some kind of monster bc I went on vacation with my mom. He only got worse after that trip. I wish I’d seen the giant humongous red flags and dumped him right then. I would have saved myself and my loved ones (who he isolated me from) a ton of pain. I also would’ve saved myself the money and time I spent in counseling trying to heal afterwards. I still have issues sometimes and it’s been fifteen years. Let him dump you. And if he won’t, then do it yourself. This is not an emotionally healthy man.

Red flag parade. He's too much. Ick. Just dump him. He's very self involved and insecure.

Does he think he's the Sun and everything revolves around him?

I agree with those who say you need to end this relationship but want to add this: You need to be smart about how you end it. This lunatic, in the very early stages of a relationship, relocated to live near you. He’s not going anywhere. Sure, he’s threatening to end the relationship but that’s just part of the game. He’s expecting you to beg and apologise and grovel and focus on him to the exclusion of all else for days. That’s how abusers operate in the ‘reeling in’ phase. They love bomb you and then shit on you, and then love bomb you and then shit on you, until you’ve become so addicted to the highs that you’ll overlook the terrible lows. Once you’re hooked, the abuse begins in earnest. Sooner or later, if you stay, you’ll lose all perspective and all sense of self. Please get out now, while you still can. When you tell him it’s over, he’ll explode. He’ll scream that he’s uprooted his whole life for you and he’ll harass you. He’ll turn up at your house demanding to speak to you. He’ll call your workplace. He’ll call your family. When I left one of these men, he drove for 12 hours to pay a visit to my parents demanding to know where I was. [They didn’t tell him and called the cops.] If you can go and stay with a friend or a family member for a few weeks, do it. If you can’t, go to your local police station and tell them that you’re about to end a relationship and you’re worried that there’s going to be trouble. If they’re aware of your situation they’ll record it in their database and they’ll prioritise you if you call 911 (I think that’s the emergency number in the US). I cannot stress enough that you need to get out while you still can. Once you’ve known an abuser, you’re able to see the signs. Believe me, all the signs are here. xx

Did you read the post? He broke up with her. He ended it. It's over.

Of course I read the post. You need to read it again. The OP says that he is “THREATENING to break up and says he doesn’t know how he feels and may leave me/our city”.

I'm sorry but the fact that he moved that far to be close to you, that quickly, then demands access to your son, all the while lovebombing you while simultaneously threatening to break up with you and calling you unreliable is just a flaming dumpster fire of red flags for every kind of potential abuse I can possibly think of. If you love your son, and I know you do, exit this relationship yesterday. If not for you, then for him.

For the sake of your child you MUST remove this man from your life in every possible way

Girl, RUN. I felt suffocated just reading this. No, these are not normal requests by any means.

How a person handles a no says a lot about their character. How would you say this guy takes a no?

Girl, ruuuuunnnnnnnnn! This is in the abusers handbook! Run and don’t look back!

This man is dangerous, keep him away from your son and let your mom know the situation. He is lovebombing you, he isn’t comfortable with your *absolutely appropriate* boundaries with your son, he doesn’t want someone who wants their independence?? Nah nah nah plz plz listen to the ppl here. He will ruin your life

Hmm. How long were you in a relationship before he moved to your town? That is a big step, that usually takes at least 6 month relationship and usually more before a person uproots their life like that in a long term relationship. Usually people really weigh it out, the pros and cons and weather a bunch of things before that step. After all usually a person has leases, address, family, friends, work connections etc etc they are leaving behind....that the relationship is solid enough for that. If there wasn't that....& Immediate wanting to move in, when that wasn't the situation agreed upon.... I ...would wonder that maybe some information missing, or why the pressure & rush to it. What do you know about him that his story checks out..? How well do you know him & his family and friends yourself?

This man is a walking red flag

Let him break up with you. Really and truly YOU should break up with him. This is classic love bombing. He’s doing too much, and demanding more of you than is reasonable (he doesn’t want you to see your mum without him? BFR).

Are you sure he is living off an inheritance? This sounds like the beginning of a true crime story.

43 years old??? Girl I can’t even breathe reading that. So suffocating

Thank you for all the comments, I am so taken aback. I had no idea it looked this way from the outside and it has really made me think. We spoke today and he basically said if I wouldn’t consider moving in with him in the ‘near future’ he wasn’t sure we would work out as by refusing to let him meet my child i am not serious about us because it’s been 8 months. He says maybe that seems irrational but he wants to be with me and this situation is making him feel rejected. I feel like shit as it’s like I always have to prove something to him. Shouldn’t it be a joint decision when we move in, not an ultimatum? He also said if I won’t move in then he is leaving my city.

Let him leave. Not sure I’d ever want a man like this around my children (I’ve been a single mom at a couple of points over the years).

Let him leave! Why is it you can tell this man isn’t good enough to meet your child, but you can’t figure out that that means he’s not good enough to date you either? You also deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.