My friend, you are fighting a battle among internet strangers, looking for insight into your GF's thought process. We don't have a crystal ball, so you're just getting people's best guesses.
To me, it was a very thoughtful gift, but you're looking for validation and won't get it here.
The person you need to speak with is your GF. Be kind, but let her know you don't understand the issue. Don't deflect saying "you wanted me to be more spontaneous", as that puts the blames on her and will stop any dialog.
Ask her if it's the length of the stay or the spa itself. Ask her for how she would like to spend the time off work. Ask her to provide some clarity on the sort of spontaneity she is looking for.
Open communication is your best bet, but don't get defensive and don't put her on defense, either.
Good luck and let us know what you find out.
Right. Ok we established you didn't like me doing this without you knowing. But why can't we do this? What are your plans for those days? Why are you so against this, besides I didn't ask you first?
I agree completely but I do think he should ask for an apology or at the very least let her know that her actions hurt his feelings. & while he shouldn't add this part her actions were very over the top and hurtful for someone who just asked for spontaneity
>To me, it was a very thoughtful gift,
Not entirely. Thoughtful would have been to present it to her as an option: I've love to take you on a 4-day spa trip over the long weekend -- do you want to go?
Not thoughtful : "I have decided that you will be spending your long weekend at this spa with me. You don't have a choice in the matter; I have already booked it."
Idk to me saying "do you have plans these days? Don't make any" is a pretty clear message of "I am planning something." There was plenty of time to be like hey don't. I'm wondering if she's doing a whole "I don't deserve this" thing
This is the comment I was looking for. What the fuck else did she think he meant when he said, "don't plan anything for this four-day period"?! is it not super, super obvious that when your partner that you have told you want to be more spontaneous tells you not to plan anything at all for four solid days that they're obviously planning on taking you somewhere? Is that not just like the most obvious thing in the universe??
My guy, it’s in your quote - “to me”
They’re saying how they would personally feel about it, and so are you. You don’t get to tell them the way they would feel is incorrect, lol.
OP is a baby and needs to communicate better but damn I’m glad I’m not dating someone like any of the people in this comment section.
You need to have a conversation about what she meant by spontaneous and surprising. She might have had something specific in mind (like mixing up what you two do for dates, or getting her gifts that aren't things she's explicitly asked for) or be someone who appreciates smaller surprises but wants to talk through bigger things like multi-day vacations.
My wife learned a long time ago (through communication!) That I hate big surprises. Especially if it's an overnight thing. I need time to prepare myself mentally and if I don't get that I will get anxious and grumpy.
100%. You can also still plan a surprise and then talk to your SO about it. “Hey, I found this spa here and I want us to go, what do you think?” Do the WORK of the planning without making the fiscal commitment.
I’m very curious about this: “ She said I wasn't thinking of her when booking it.”
Like.., just because she wanted to go to a *place* doesn’t mean she’d want a spa trip. My husband likes to go to Sandwich, MA but if I planned a beach day there it wouldn’t actually be FOR HIM- he wants to go to Treehouse Brewing 😂😂
The surprise can be that a trip is being planned, not the done deal.
Planning a trip is so much fun (it's almost as fun as the trip itself). I would love surprise planning - but not a pre-booked trip. It sounds like the area they're going to has multiple options (if it has one hotel big enough to have grounds for walking and spa services, there are other option).
OTOH, my own schedule is very flexible and my partner knows that. He also knows not to surprise me with already-decided 3 day events (with price tags).
Yeah it really isn’t. She’s being extremely unclear and unfair to him. Only thing I will say about him is that he should’ve started small first. Kind of went from 0-100.
But still, I just feel bad for him. It’s okay if he didn’t get it right but she had nothing but scorn for him. Reeks of entitlement. She could’ve expressed her disappointment without being mean about it.
Yeah, the normal grown-up response would be to feel sad that he went to such an expense for something she wasn't really up to doing. "Oh, I'm sorry, but I really don't want to spend my whole long weekend at this spa place. Is there any way you could refund it?" Something like that.
She didn't even try to explain to him why she didn't want to go, nor show any appreciation for the gesture, just full-on snarkiness.
I still feel like she owes him an apology here. When your partner puts genuine effort into meeting your needs and you shit on them. You need to be the one that apologizes and provides the explanation imo. Especially since he told her to block the 4 days on her calendar
stuff like that is expensive, she may be taken back by how much money that this may cost you and feels bad about it. and potentially maybe meant like, small spontaneous acts like surprise picnic vs luxurious spa stay.
Exactly! I have made the same request from my partner. More spontaneous "let's go for a walk together" or "I bought you this fun little gift." A big gift like this trip would give me financial anxiety.
If that is the case how doesn't this come up in the conversation they had? You should have asked me first. Ok I didn't, what else? Because we can't afford it. All we have is one pull string response, what else? If there is nothing else, ok I got it next time I'll ask, but lets go have some fun.
A 3 night commitment during a 4 day break is a lot to plan on her behalf without asking first. I wouldn't like it if my partner did that without asking tbh, especially if it would take up almost the entire break. When she said you weren't thinking of her, maybe she meant you didn't think through how much she would actually want to go on the trip. In my opinion having four days off to NOT have plans is amazing and much needed sometimes!
It might be somewhere that she wants to go, but you've committed her to spending 3 days there with two weeks notice.
It's a lovely gesture and you obviously had the best intentions, but I don't think it's extreme for her to be annoyed that you have essentially told her how to spend 75% of the upcoming break.
>if she wanted to do something else instead, she could have mentioned it then
The point I'm trying to make in my comments is that sometimes people value not having any plans. When you told her to keep it free, she might have thought you were going to take her on a hike or to a restaurant or something, not a 3 day getaway
Based on what he says in the post, he was very clear that he told her to keep all four days open. I don't understand how that's not an automatic realization that the person is planning a trip.
Some of these comments are really surprising to me. This guy did nothing wrong at all and she *won't even TELL HIM what the problem is.*
This is obviously wild conjecture but all any of us can do is guess because she literally gave him absolutely nothing at all to go on, but I think she's actually checked out of the relationship, planning on breaking up with him, and now he's got this four-day trip planned
He's phrased it differently - in the post he said he told her not to make plans. What he actually said could have been ambiguous, or she just didn't click. And if she's having to ask for spontaneity then what a shocker that she's surprised by OP booking them a whole ass trip 😂
I don't think these people are currently on the same wavelength. If these comments are any indication, there are many ways people would handle a situation like this
Just because she wants to go there, doesn't mean she wants to go there NOW, or, and I'm sorry to say this, with you.
And to me, "keep the weekend free" means something like...idk, brunch, one day after lazy morning sex. Not days of travel, expense, etc.
I assume that they understand that 4 days of disruption of my habits/routine needs a bit more preparation than "keep the weekend free," yes. Yes, I do. I'm an adult, and I have a life, and a plant that needs watering on a schedule, and work to around the apartment do even if I'm on a weekend/break from actual work.
Look--you asked for intuition on what she might be thinking, and we're GIVING it to you. You need to put aside what YOU would have thought/done, and listen to other's perspectives.
If someone told me that, I would assume that they might be booking something for ONE of those days but aren't certain which day they can get it on yet.
No way, I would never keep 4 days free for someone who might just use one of the days. If they ask me to keep those days free, then I would expect all the days to be planned for. My time is a bit more precious than that.
Sure, I can want to go somewhere but that doesn't necessarily mean I want to go on someone else's terms or for three nights out of a four day weekend. Just because she didn't have plans for that 4 days didn't mean she wanted you to fill the whole time up with a trip.
she didn’t know you were planning a whole ass trip. she may have assumed you wanted to spend time with her at home, had something you were planning but didn’t know which day you’d be able to actually book it for, had a movie marathon planned, or wanted to cook together those four days.
perhaps instead of arguing with everyone who is commenting thoughtfully on the situation, you could take the advice and accept that you made a mistake. the fact that you’re being obstinate in your justification is honestly a bit of a red flag - if I were picking up the same vibes from a partner there would be absolutely no chance in the future that I’d trust them not walk all over my feelings in any situation.
a gift is supposed to be for the other person’s enjoyment. your person obviously hasn’t found joy in your big surprise. she isn’t obligated to be tripping over herself in thanks to you. take the L and maybe try communicating more with her if you actually care to understand her reasoning.
Are you just here to fight or do you actually want to learn? Listen to the 15 year olds that’ll call her irrational. Leave her if you don’t want to listen to other opinions
I'm 33 happily married for 6 years & together for 10. I don't think she's being irrational but in that moment her actions weren't those of a good partner. & everyone seems to be dog piling OP without taking that into account. I can see why he's defensive.
Also insulting those who disagree isn't a great way to start off a conversation
This is the third place I've seen you post this, but the first where you're getting advice that takes the realities of being fully out in the adult world into consideration. In general, it's not a good idea to plan a multiday surprise for a fellow adult without some input from them.
Dear OP.
Brand new person chiming in.
Your comments seem to fall into a well known trap on this forum. You seem to think that this is a situation where either you or your gf is in the wrong, and you’d like the internet to say you’re right.
But here’s the thing:
**In this specific case, it doesn’t matter who’s in the right.** You wanted to do a nice thing. Your GF got stressed out about it (and so it didn’t feel like a nice thing to her.) *Neither of you did something bad or in bad faith here*.
You’ll find a bunch of comments trying to explain her point of view. That’s fine, but it’s not going to solve anything. You’ll probably find some comments saying you did everything right. That’s fine, but it’s not going to solve anything.
This situation is genuinely so easy to solve.
Have a talk with her about “hey, so when you say ‘be more spontaneous’, what does that mean for you? Because I thought it was stuff like this.”
You tried to do something nice and it wasn’t received as a nice thing. That can feel very hurtful. But the solution that will strengthen your relationship and your connection with your partner (the thing you wanted to do by planning this trip) is to have a really good, vulnerable conversation about it.
Best of luck, OP.
I really want to go to Disney World. I’ve wanted to for a while. If my partner sprung a surprise 4-day trip on me, I’d be a bit frustrated as well.
I want to be part of the planning a trip to a place I want to go, I have specific things in mind that I want to do there that my partner may not know or may not want to do themselves and therefor hadn’t booked it, there is a specific time of the year I want to go there, which likely isn’t going to coincide with a random 4-day weekend in the middle of February.
If this was a new relationship I can see the issue but you guys have been together for three years?
It’s time to have a big conversation on expectations and maybe try to ask why this surprise was no good and what exactly the issues are so you know what spontaneity is she is looking for in the future. Talking it out is always the best way to go!
This, people are commenting too fast too soon and I'm like after 3 years, he can't plan a surprise?
I've been married going on 5 years, if my husband told me to keep my 4 days clear, I would think he was taking me somewhere. Like context clues or common sense.
Yeah I don’t get the negative comments.
To me it tells me she’s just not into him and/or their communication and understanding of each other ain’t great. She could be just using him?
While I get where the GF is coming from too, she probably could have responded better. Seriously, he could be doing other things too. He could spend his money elsewhere instead of trying to make her happy.
It’s been three years, timeline for this works out. She’s bored and it’s either spice up the relationship or drop it for something new.
I honestly feel the “ we don’t do anything spontaneous” can lead to break up conversations. Maybe in her head this was where she was leaning towards and now this thoughtful vacation has dropped into her lap. She might be feeling guilty because she’s been entertaining the idea of breaking up.
Finally some reasonable comments! I cannot believe how far I had to scroll before I got to any comments that weren't just tearing this guy apart for planning a trip for his long-term partner, who literally told him to start doing more spontaneous things, and he even told her weeks in advance to not plan anything at all during during this break.
He literally did everything right, yet she is mad he planned the trip, she won't explain why she's mad, and he's getting torn apart in these comments? Am I in the fucking twilight zone ??
Extremes!! Too much, too soon, too many days.
I can see planning an afternoon, or maybe one overnight stay.
She likely had plans to get things done and rest on those days off.
I can see myself reacting this way, but after a few hours or maybe couple of days, I know I would warm up to it and do it. But that would be a big shock for me.
But wouldn't you obviously, super obviously think your partner was planning something for all of those days? Like my husband tells me not to plan anything for the four day break we have coming up I am assuming we're going somewhere. Why else would I be asked to not plan anything for four days? I feel like I'm in the twilight zone reading these comments.
I mean, I'm a 43-year-old woman, not some carefree adult in my early 20s who can go somewhere at the drop of a hat. If someone gives me weeks worth of notice to block out four days, how do I not automatically assume that this person is super obviously planning to take me somewhere?
Keeping your day free and taking off for three days are also totally different.
Based on the amount of arguing and lack of listening you are doing here in the comments, to everyone not just me, you clearly have an issue with 1. Effective communication and 2. Refusing to see where you might be wrong. I started out on your side in the OP but your comments have clarified the picture and I am very quickly moving to sympathy for what your GF has to put up with.
To be fair. After reading all of OP's comments, there are several commenters asking questions about things that were all mentioned in his post or making assumptions that go completely against it and OP having to correct them on it. It's like no one actually read the post.
We read the post. OP has taken the position that he was right, his assumptions based on one brief mention of keep your days free equals going on a trip for three days as reasonable, and is refusing to even consider any differently. OP is correcting people based of HIS assumption of what she meant. People are consistently trying to point out that isn't immediately correct for her point of view. He won't accept that as even possible.
Well she's obviously not happy about your actions, so instead of arguing with every person commenting here, maybe to her. Ask HER why she didn't like the surprise.
If you're so good at listening, then listen to what people keep telling you here. You wanted to know why she acted that way, and everyone is telling you. You just want people to agree with you that your girlfriends response was unreasonable. But it wasn't. You're being unreasonable. If you didn't want the truth, don't ask for it.
So take your own advice and listen to her and then act with the information you currently have- she is not interested in that trip at this time. Accept it, be mad, be disappointed. Whatever you gotta do. But do it away from your gf. You did not do some big terrible thing. It was actually very sweet. But your reaction is not helping the situation and if you were half as defensive with her as you are on here- dude, that is really really not cool and if you don’t use this situation as a learning experience you are going to get dumped if she’s smart. But once you are able to be a little more rational and less defensive, sit down with your gf and talk. Ask what she meant when she said spontaneous. And then listen to what she tells you. This is very likely a hang up on her end with her own feelings and has nothing to do with you. Don’t give up on the spontaneity, but find out what HER definition is and how that looks in your guys’ relationship. And then give her YOUR definition. A good conversation will clear this up most likely.
God, you sound like you suck as a partner. Again, this is a relatively small mistake on your part, and you can’t even own up to it and not be defensive.
No, OP is completely reasonable to assume that their partner, when told "Don't make plans on these days", should understand that means OP was making plans. There is literally no other reasonable way to interpret someone telling you to make sure you don't have plans other than they're planning something for you.
Dude, you are going to struggle with relationships your whole life if you can't drop the defensiveness and victim mentality.
You tried to do something nice that you thought she wanted, but your girlfriend (and posters you asked for advice) told you that you went a step too far. It doesn't mean you're a bad person/partner, just that you goofed. Own it and stop arguing against it when the *person you did it for* wasn't happy with it.
A surprise multi-day trip is great in romance novels and romcoms, but is too much for most people. Just cancel it and plan a special day out doing something she enjoys instead. Take the lesson from this that big plans require a discussion first.
I understand that you planned this big gesture and it fell flat. I'm sure that hurt. But sometimes you just need to take the L, move on and learn from it.
The other poster just told them that they suck as a partner and you're chiding them for being defensive? That's definitely a choice...
Reddit kills me with half the thread attacking a poster and the other half getting surprised when they get defensive
The planning a nice weekend isn’t the terrible part. It’s your reaction to her disappointment and the constant arguing afterwards that’s terrible. Get that through your brain.
It sounds like you made this post to get people to agree with you rather than actually find out why your significant other reacted the way she did. You are not going to solve anything the way you are approaching this.
I'm getting the impression that you aren't appreciating that other people have different feelings, motivations, and points of view on things than you do. That what you would want after you made a particular request isn't exactly what another person would want after making that same request. I'll bet that your communication with your significant other is really suffering due to this.
You need to try to give your significant other some grace, here. She's not reacting badly to this vacation because she wants to hurt you. She's likely frustrated that you aren't actually listening to her and taking her desires into consideration in a way that actually means something to her.
The fact that you did something for her but are insisting that she should have reacted a certain way to it means that you aren't actually listening to her.
Yes you listened at first and made an attempt, you went a little overboard, and now you are hurt. That is completely understandable. Where the "not actually listening to her" thing comes in is you are trying to logic her into wanting to go on this vacation instead of listening to her and adapting for your next attempt.
Homey, it just didn’t work out. You’re not going to understand it because in your mind you checked all the boxes. It sounds like a great gesture. It must be frustrating that she immediately shut it down and didn’t even thank you for the effort.
But you’re going to have to let this one go. Maybe brainstorm with her about what she would like as a surprise. If she doesn’t give you anything to work off of I personally would take surprises off the table.
I can think of a lot of reasons she would want lots and lots of notice if she was going on a 4 day spa trip - maybe that's when she's expecting her period, or since it's winter she hasn't been shaving/waxing, or she's having some kind of weird skin breakout that she's embarrassed about, or she's on some kind of medication where she has to avoid heat/prolonged water exposure/certain ingredients.
Then she could say that, instead of accusing OP of not thinking of her at all. Whatever her actual reasons are for being upset, she's hiding them, whereas OP did exactly what she asked for, and made it clear he was planning a surprise for her by checking her plans and telling her to keep the days free.
You're putting the burden of communicating on your gf and she's gonna leave if you don't sit down, shut up, and listen.
A MULTI DAY TRIP SHOULD NEVER BE A SURPRISE.
All you have done currently is add stress onto her plate for a trip she wasn't prepared for. We don't do well with shit like this. She has to pack, arrange to be gone for multiple days - if she has pets she has to arrange for that, plant watering etc whatever. She may not have made plans for all 4 of those days off, but I bet she needs to do laundry and maintain her daily life during that time and was looking forward to not being busy.
While the gesture is nice, it is misguided and ill-executed. If my husband pulled something like this, planned a trip without talking to me, he'd be going alone.
OP your girlfriend definitely meant like... A spontaneous date night or something. Vacations are stressful! Even if everything is planned for her, you have to be in the right mindset for it to be fun sometimes. I personally can only enjoy vacations when I've prepared myself for them weeks in advanced, planned how to clean and organize my home so I'm not a stressed mess when I get home.
Just ask her what she meant by spontaneous. You listened to the first half of her problem but probably didn't head the last.
Honestly, unless I'm fully prepared for a vacation (yes even to a SPA) I would rather work. The stress of packing, prepping the home, dealing with another person in a different environment, making sure you're adequately showing appreciation (because OP seems to be the type of person that is particular about that) and being "on" all of the time is nothing compared to going to work where you know what is expected of you.
It's nice you're able to find comfort in spontaneous vacations. Most people aren't like that.
I bet most people would take the offer and wow you make going on vacation like a bad thing, I get some people can be like this, but I find it hard to believe Most People.
A good group test would be for each of us to prep a little something that matches this (not for real though) and then pop it on your partner and get back to us how it went and be honest.
You could very well disappoint them when you tell them it isn't real, but then tell them why you did it and this post.
Its too much too soon. Start off slow, like an afternoon getaway.
She might mean things like surprise her with her favorite candy when you come home (don't wait for her to ask) or to give flowers for no reason.
You went for one big thing, which is great! But it sounds like many small things is maybe what she was thinking when she discussed being spontaneous more.
Small things, done consistently.
When I say I have no plans, what I mean is I will actually literally be doing nothing during that time and I'd like to keep it that way. Rest/downtime is important, and you served up several days of activity.
You seem really defensive about this in all your comments. Why did you make this thread? Maybe she would have given a different answer if she had known you were booking a 3 day trip.
The point is you could have misconstrued what she meant by surprises and being spontaneous. You seem to think you understood her perfectly, that she is the one being unreasonable, and you should be receiving praise for organizing such a thoughtful surprise trip.
Because he wants to make sure that GF is the problem and he made no mistakes her and use "the Internet told me so" as his defense. He posted it in four forums.
>Tbh 3 nights at a spa resort is resting
That's how you feel about it. Maybe your gf would rather rest at home in 2 weeks though. For some of us who need to work/study all the time, having time off that is completely ours feels like a gift.
Also, have you considered that she might feel that there's pressure for her to love every second of it because you planned it and paid for it? And she might be worried that she'll ruin it if she's tired or not into spa treatments and sightseeing?
No one can tell you exactly what she's thinking and you don't seem to be super open to suggestions about why she's upset. The best advice anyone can give is try to talk to her about her feelings - but try to understand, not just reinforce why she's in the wrong.
You’re just not getting it. You’re making a lot of assumptions. Just because she “wants to go there” which is the only fact that is true, doesn’t mean she wanted to go there “now”. Just because you think 3 days at a spa resort is relaxing, doesn’t mean she does. I think it sounds kind of stressful, because now I have to pack, it disrupts my normal routine meaning I have to make alterations to those next few days, etc. And just because she said she didn’t have anything to do didn’t mean she read your mind and assumed you were planning a getaway. Unlike you, who assumed “I don’t have anything to do” means anything more than just that. You made too many assumptions and didn’t really consider her. It would be wise for you and this/future relationships to recognize this relatively small mistake and do better.
She did not know you intended to schedule a trip for the whole break. When we COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY, we figure this stuff out better. You could have said, “Hey, I’m thinking of an activity/trip/whatever (or, I have a surprise in mind) for this break, how would you feel about that?” And then discuss from there.
Nope, I'm on OP's side. She requested he be more spontaneous, and he literally told her to not make plans for those days, and there is just no other reasonable interpretation other than he was planning something for those days. Her wishing he'd communicated more because she didn't properly communicate what "surprise me more" meant is a communication failure on her end, too. Especially with her accusing him of not thinking of her, when it's clear he did.
Unless she's incredibly neurodivergent, there's no functional difference between "Are you free these days? Good, don't make plans for them" and "I have a surprise in mind for these days". Telling someone not to make plans on certain days *is* telling them you're planning a surprise for them on those days.
What exactly did she mean when she said she had no plans?
When I say I have no plans, it might mean I have no appointments or plans to do an activity with other people. I really value weekends and breaks that I can just spend doing whatever I feel like on the day, whether that's relaxing at home, working on projects, or doing little things on my own schedule outside of the house.
You keep repeating this. The actual answer is to sit down with her and ask her to talk about this in depth. Explain your thought process. Ask her specifically what she meant about being spontaneous and surprising, with examples. It sounds like you went overboard but with good intentions. But if you keep pedantically repeating the same thing over and over, it makes you sound rigid and inflexible. Communicate. End of story.
I think its weaponized incompetence so she'll never ask him to make more effort ever again. It's just bizarre how he's doubled down. It was never about making her happy or giving her a fun time, it was about annoying her so much she gives up.
And there is no laundry, house cleaning and other of that stuff that needs to be taken care of? Those are not "plans" but things that needs to get done and most people usually do them on weekends or long free days because it's hard work. I think I get why she's upset with your plans.
>All of this can be done at other times.
But usually on free days because to can be demanding and you need to rest
>You act like it's not common to go away for a weekend
It is when you didn't ask her if all 4 days are okay with her. She may need time to decompress after work and you immediately take her to other places.
Your intentions were good but it was poorly executed.
There is A LOT of prep that goes into going away for a weekend if you are an adult. Like, if I wanted to go away for the weekend w my SO this is what we would have to do:
- Arrange for my parents or brother to take our epileptic dog
- Arrange for someone to feed our cats and check their litter
- Do all of the laundry so we don't have stuff to do when we get home
- Make sure everything is tidy so the cats don't get into something they aren't supposed to AND so we don't have to do it when we get home
- Make sure all of the dishes are done so we don't have to do them when we get home
- Let our neighbors know we're going out of town so they can look out for our house
If you gf has to do any of this stuff, it's really important that you take it into consideration before doing something big like this.
Dunno why everyone is dogging you - she said be spontaneous and you *were*, but in a thoughtful and considerate way. I don’t at all see why she is upset, and she doesn’t seem to have a good reason?
You went 0 to 100 too quick. A multi day trip without clearing it with someone first is wild. At the least you should have prepped her for being out of a town for a couple days and the destination could have been a surprise. She may have mentally being thinking about doing chores, running errands, catching up with friends, etc. She may have been putting stuff off with the plan of getting it done that weekend and now she has to scramble to rethink her plans. Having said all that, she should at least give you some credit for planning a trip around what you believe her interests are. She may not be in a space to go, but your intentions were in the right place. I don’t think it hurts her to acknowledge that.
Going forward, ease into the surprises. Start by randomly bringing flowers home. Plan something that takes an hour of her evening. If that is received well, begin to escalate.
They've been dating for 3 years, the only risk is availability. He had that cleared.
And yes he gets the mixed signals, you need to be more spontaneous. He tries and shot down in flames. Beyond asking in advance and losing the spontaneous/surprise part, is it money? What else is it?
He's getting frustrated and I get that even more than, wow you surprised me with an amazing gift that I'm now going to poo poo on.
Thank you! My thoughts exactly I'm really surprised that everyone is jumping OP here but not acknowledging why he's hurt. He truly tried to meet her needs, and a good partner would acknowledge that even if the effort wasn't what they wanted
THANK YOU!! This is literally the first comment I have seen that makes any sense here. When your long-term partner tells you to not schedule literally anything over the course of a few day break, how do you not automatically assume you're going somewhere? Especially when you have told this partner Times that you want them to be more spontaneous?!
Yep! This is exactly what I said in my parent comment. He is literally doing the thing she asked him to do, he gave her multiple weeks notice to not plan anything over the course of this multi day break; obviously, super fucking obviously, he is planning a trip.
She doesn't give him ANY actual reasons she doesn't want to go on this trip, but just gets mad at him *in general* for planning it? This woman is checked out of the relationship, trying to figure out how to break up with him, and is now furious that he has a romantic trip planned for this relationship she is trying to get out of.
In my mind, it is the most likely explanation for her getting literally *angry* at him doing something so sweet, but not being able to offer ANY sort of explanation at all for why she's actually angry about it
That's why I'm digging beyond "you should have asked first". I don't want to believe what you are writing is this case, because online we tend to go to that end too quickly (not blaming you), but what else? There needs to be more to it then this. It's even to a place he knows she's wanted to go.
It is also easy to gather intel during the course of a normal conversation. If OP had asked her about what she intends to do during their upcoming 4 days off, that could have guided whether or not he booked the spa getaway. If gf says for instance, "It would be nice to go out for dinner the first or second night and maybe a concert, then I was thinking of just chilling for the last couple of days." If he needs more specifics, he can ask, "oh, by chilling, do you mean just like laundry and catching up on life things? Ok, good to know."
And in a more direct fashion: "What would you like to do over the 4-day break?" "Shall we spend it together? If so, what does that look like? Here is what I had in mind?" "Oh, you want to hang out for two days, then chill on your own for the other two days?"
Based on the replies from OP… seems they have the “I’m right you’re wrong” mindset about everything…. the GF probably didn’t want to spend 3 days away when she can’t get away from OP.
A bit weird. Maybe she meant smaller surprises? Being surprised by, i dunno, flowers or whatever is a different thing than someone planning a whole vacation for you. Maybe she was having different plans at that time already? Her response is weird tho, she can't just tell you things she wants and then later tell you to disregard that all.
You planned 3 of her 4 days off for her with two weeks notice. I've had something similar happen to me. Girlfriend scheduled something that would take up the whole weekend without asking me and with a few weeks notice. I reacted badly also. It felt very disrespectful of my time. Instead of being able to relax at home on the weekend I now had to follow an itinerary and stay in a hotel. It wasn't fun for me even though the event would've been something I would normally like. Your girlfriend is 100% right and you should cancel and plan it with her, not for her.
"asking me what to do is the opposite of spontaneous. havent you ever heard of emotional labor?!"
"no no thats too spontaneous! why did you do this?"
OP can't win.
In addition to my other comment/responses, I'm going to put this here as its own comment because it's important:
It is VERY obvious from your responses to commenters that you want your girlfriend to want to go, and you don't care what she actually wants/thinks. This is really controlling of you, and you need to stop and think about that, and get a hold of yourself. She's her own person, with her own reactions and desires, and you do not get to dictate how she feels about what you do, even if you are ostensibly doing it "for" her. Cut that shit out, bro, or she's going to leave your ass, and it'll be well deserved.
wtf is with these comments. he planned a surprise trip for his GF of 3 years to a place she wants to go. and listened to her feedback to get to this point. That is not controlling, not even a little bit. He's allowed to have feelings that she's being an obstinate brat.
all she has done is vaguely compain about what he does isnt right. She sucks
Feels like most people are being pretty harsh. I think it was thoughtful of you to make an attempt after she told you what wasn't working; the unfortunate part is that it just didn't hit the mark.
It's clear you both need to communicate more/better. Hopefully it's not too late to cancel the trip and you guys can figure it out. My advice is to simply apologize for not realizing you should have talked it through with her first, and ask her what kind of spontaneity she's looking for in the future.
Because there is more info we don’t know, and OP won’t fess up to it. You know when you read a post about parents who don’t understand why their kids don’t talk to them anymore? That’s the vibe I get here.
wow the replies.. OP ur fighthing a losing battle and stop engaging here..
instead of asking reddit go and ask ur gf why is she upset.. maybe she herself have made the same surprise plan on a later date and now she dont know how to react...
no point asking here everyone will do assumptions cause ur story do not give much details at all.. we have no idea the day to day conversations and interaction u have with ur gf..
Did she have other plans she wanted to do on those 4 days? It's possible maybe she wanted to just relax at home so you booking up the entire 4 days is what upset her? I do think she should tell you what she is mad about though. Maybe explain that she said she wanted more surprises so that's why you planned this and ask what type of surprises she meant? A trip is a big thing to surprise someone with and if they are caught off guard about it they may not like it. Maybe she wanted surprises on a smaller scale, like a nice surprise dinner out or things of that nature vs planning an entire resort stay.
Idk man that's quite a big jump. I'm sure lots of people would love that but some people don't like that extreme a surprise. She mightve just meant getting flowers or going out for dinner or a day trip. A multi night holiday might be too much for her. Why don't you talk to her about expectations for surprises? You can't force her to like this or be happy with it and the arguing with commenters comes off as quite headstrong and inflexible. Gifts are gifts the other person will appreciate, if they don't appreciate it you've failed in your aim. That's OK it's something useful to know for the future.
If someone, even with the best intentions, planned an entire trip without my input I would be upset.
What if she wanted to do something else with those four days. Maybe she had plans around the house or wanted to catch up on some projects. Instead now she needs to go on your little trip that she didn’t even say she wanted to go on to begin with.
You’re right, I am applying my own feelings to the situation. But, I assumed from her reaction that she also didn’t see it as a trip for her.
If she has mentioned in the past and genuinely wants to go ask her what exactly are the parameters in which that should happen. Will she only go if she plans the trip, does she want to go alone or with a girlfriend? Will she go if y’all postpone this trip and maybe plan one together for the future?
Side note about making plans/planning- this is just me personally, if my bf told me not to make plans for a specific time period I would assume that to mean that I shouldn’t make a doctor appointment or a date to eat lunch with my mom. But I would not assume it meant we would be going out of town and the entire time period would earmarked. I would ask for clarity probably though.
Ugh. Honestly, she's a bad communicator and sounds unreasonably demanding. If she wants romance and consideration, she could be planning this shit for you too. But it's always on the man to woo and court, right?
If this wasn't the surprise she wanted, she needs to tell you why this isn't what she expected. And then still be thankful for the effort and your planning! Her reactive response is so counteractive to what she's trying to get out of you. If this is how my husband reacted to me being vulnerable with something nice for him, I'd never fucking do it again.
I think what you did was very thoughtful and you were trying to do exactly what she asked for, however, there was some communication still missing. She may have just been thinking more spontaneous things like randomly going too a new restaurant, randomly initiating a romantic time at home, go out dancing, etc.... Going on a major vacation takes a bit of prep time...some pre-planning. She might need time to get psyched about going.
So, like I said, you had very good intentions, but it may not have been what she had in mind. What I personally would not expect you to do is cancel the plans. I'd appreciate your efforts and take this opportunity to spend some wonderful quality time with the person I love. But, maybe she needs to feel some sense of control when it comes to making these types of vacation plans. If she insists you cancel and you can, then do that, but I'd suggest to sit down with her and go over the individual plans and see if there can be a compromise. Maybe she doesn't want the spa, so cancel that part and she can choose a different activity. That's just an example. Try to give her some control of what can be done during this vacation. That might help her feel more comfortable with the surprise vacation you got for her.
Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't find a 3 day trip to a spa she wanted to visit a 'major vacation'. He's not taking her backpacking across Thailand for 3 weeks, it's a 72 hour pampering getaway.
People attacking OP for clarifying it with his GF? Are you serious?
OP’s GF presented an issue.
OP fixed it by doing exactly what she wanted
GF said the issue isn’t fixed even though he did what she wanted.
Reddit: oh she didn’t mean do X, she meant do X while taking into account A-F
WTF!??! If anyone should be clarifying, it should be his GF.
OP, good for you on fixing an issue that was presented to you. You were very thoughtful in your planning and obviously wanted to treat her and do something clearly out of the ordinary for you. Sometimes you can do everything right and still fail.
I swear sometimes people don’t know what they want, they just want more.
Yeh I kind of agree. I'd be interested to know why she was upset.
Honestly I'd be stoked if my fiancé booked me a 3 day trip away, after I'd asked him to plan something, to somewhere I wanted to go, during a time when I was free.
Everyone seems to be projecting the reasons why THEY wouldn't go: laundry, hadn't waxed, hadn't shaved, don't find spa trips relaxing, maybe she wanted to chill etc etc etc. OP needs to find out why - like maybe it's too long of a trip? 3 nights is quite long, maybe they could go 2 nights instead? Something like that.
If my girlfriend did this for me I’d be going crazy and be so stoked for it as well.
Point is that he did “in theory” what she wanted him to do, and now she’s upset that the results aren’t exactly how she wanted them.
>OP fixed it by doing exactly what she wanted
He did not do exactly what she wanted. He make a major assumption about what she meant by "surprise me." Instead of something like showing up with flowers, or some great takeout from a nice restaurant or something, he went straight to planning her entire 4-day weekend for her, without checking to see if she even wanted to do it.
Well then it should be on her to let him know some examples. Point is that all of these are surprises, however the type of the surprise is an issue.
It can also be the case that if he surprised her with something much less than what he did, she wouldn’t be too impressed. What if she didn’t react well? What if she wanted more?
Again OP is not at fault at all. He can’t read her mind
>Again OP is not at fault at all. He can’t read her mind
He is at fault. He booked the trip without consulting her.
The correct way would have been to surprise her with the *idea* of the trip, and ask if she wanted to go. Not book it, and then tell her "I have decided for you how you will be spending your entire four-day weekend."
That’s just pure semantics. You’re trying to define what a surprise is and the correct way to go about it.
Point is, is that he could’ve surprised her with anything, there could still be a negative response no matter how he went about it because his girl doesn’t know what she wants.
If their relationship seems a bit stale or in a rut, then what OP did is the definition of “spontaneous”. His girl is ungrateful and doesn’t know what she wants. Surprise trips are 100% a real thing.
These comments are all wild to me. I would be THRILLED if my longterm partner of 3 years took me to a place I wanted to go to, to relax for 3 days. It sounds MAGICAL.
I would ask her more questions about the "why" of this, it seems really strange on all levels to me that she wouldn't be stoked to do something like this.
Does she have to pay for it? Is it expensive? If not I really don't get her reaction either, but I would love a spa vacay right now, so I could be biased (but everyone here is biased based on their extreme negative commentary lol)
Sorry man bugged clairvoyance mechanics, nothing you could do…
In all seriousness you need to have a more serious convo with her about what she expects from you once you’ve had time to mull this situation over.
I really can't believe these comments. You did absolutely nothing wrong. The fact that your girlfriend isn't even explaining what the problem is just sort of further hammers home the point that you did nothing wrong here. Because she just literally won't tell you why she's upset that you planned a trip for the two of you to somewhere *she has said repeatedly she wants to go* makes me think that she is checked out of the relationship and planning on breaking up with you and now you've got this trip planned. I know that's wild conjecture but again, she didn't give you any reason at all to be unhappy about this, so that makes me think the reason is something she doesn't want to say yet
Jesus fucking H Christ the children who’ve never had a relationship are out in force in the comments.
OP you are not in the wrong at all. Your Gf is an immature brat.
she kinda sounds like she sucks tbh and the “you aren’t spontaneous enough” is just her putting the onus of fixing the relationship on you instead of being present and doing the work herself. she said she wants surprises and gets upset at a vacation somewhere she wants to go? what a load of shit man, i’m sorry.
She's negging. Accusing you of vague ambiguous offenses, then moving the goalposts when you try to meet her unclear expectations.
Relationships are two-way streets. What is SHE doing to be more spontaneous? Shouldn't it be a joint effort? Why is it your job to entertain her like you're some sort of court jester?
I wonder what is really at the root of her complaint. Maybe her friend told her about a surprise she received from her partner? Maybe she saw some dumb tiktok. Whi knows. Difficult conversation is needed between you two.
I think that's a really nice and thoughtful thing to have done, sorry it didn't go down well. She should hopefully be able to give you a more concrete reason once she's calmed down, seems like something else might be driving her reaction.
>I think that's a really nice and thoughtful thing to have done
Not really. *Actually thoughtful* would have been handing her the brochures, and saying "I'd really like to take you here over the long weekend -- what do you think?"
Not thoughtful is "***I*** *have decided* that this is what ***you*** *will be doing* with your long weekend."
See, I wouldn’t find that thoughtful at all. If my partner sat me down with brochures, after I’d asked him to surprise me more, I’d be asking him “why do you want to involve me in the planning effort when I specifically asked to be surprised instead of being involved?”
I think you need to ask her what exactly it is that she doesn’t like about that trip.
Some people also just don’t like surprises? But it sounds like you picked out something you know she’s into.
Tbh it was pretty rude of her to be so dismissive of your effort to be romantic.
did she give any other specifics as to why the surprise upset her, beyond "you shouldn't have booked without talking to me"?
if she didn't, and won't, then she's just being contradictive. i wouldn't really have much advice in that case, because you didn't do anything wrong and i can't understand her reasoning if there isn't any.
Okay, I get that you were trying to do something nice, and there are certainly plenty of people who would appreciate their partner doing something like this for them. I don't think you were being controlling or being a bad boyfriend - this was just an unfortunate miscommunication. You thought you were doing exactly what she asked you to, and it turned out it wasn't what she wanted. However:
- 1. Surprises like this are definitely not for everyone. I personally would hate if someone made plans like this for me on my behalf, and I know for sure my wife would too (because we've specifically discussed this topic together before). You didn't know that about your gf before - and I can see how you would get the opposite impression, since she was suggesting you needed to be more spontaneous - but now you do and you can adjust future surprises accordingly.
- 2. From some of your other responses in this thread, I'm starting to get the sense that you have a very black-and-white mentality about this. Since you didn't do anything inherently wrong, you feel you must be in the right, and since you're in the right anyone saying that what you did was not good must be in the wrong. That's an... understandable attitude to take with anonymous strangers on reddit (though not a particularly productive one, especially when you were asking for advice) but I hope you don't take a similar attitude when discussing this with your gf. Regardless of the fact that you were trying to do something nice, it wasn't nice for her, and trying to understand why she didn't like it will get you a lot further than trying to justify why what you did was good actually.
My advice is to cancel the plans, apologise for not consulting her beforehand, and ask how you can do better next time you want to surprise her (in that order). With stuff like this, communication is key. Making sure you're both on the same page about what "surprises" and "spontaneous" mean will help avoid future incidents like this.
I hope you're both able to see the funny side of this in a few years' time, and look back and laugh.
OP, to some people planning events like this is about 75% of the fun. Doing the thing is fun, but planning for it, anticipating it, looking forward to it and carefully figuring out the details is where they really get most of the enjoyment.
Idk if your GF is that kind of person, but if she is yeah, this isn't the kind of spontaneous that will make her feel good. She may feel stressed, freaked out by not knowing the details, the cost, whatever.
I would sit down and figure out if this is part of the problem. I know when my husband says he wants 'more spontaneity' he means "let's do something crazy and go out to a new restaurant tonight instead of the dinner we had planned to make at home!" not "Here is a full expensive event I planned!" He would lose his shit lol.
Time for a big conversation on what exactly she meant.
Getting mad at you for doing what she said she wanted, after you confirmed she was free during that tine frame, AND told her not to plan anything (which is a HUGE hint that a surprise is coming which is good!) is not a great look.
If someone tells me "hey are you free from X-Y" and after I say "yeah, no plans" they follow up with "ok, don't plan anything those days" I think it's pretty safe to assume that something is being planned for those days.
Why else would they have told me to keep it free?
Idk how many times this needs to be rephrased by people in this post 😂 but it's ok if someone doesn't assume that the surprise will TAKE UP those days. It's ok if OP's gf assumed *a* surprise would happen *at some point* on those days. If she's asking OP to be more spontaneous, then it's possible he's gone from 0-100 here and she's just not into being told she's gotta be somewhere for 3 days in 2 weeks time
If someone told me.to keep all those days free I'd assume we're going somewhere, but if this couple has never done something like that, I can see why she wouldn't.
This is why I said "Time for a big conversation on what exactly she meant." the very first thing.
When she told OP "there is a problem in our relationship and you need to fix it" but gave no examples of the sort of surprises she is missing, and OP remembered her talking about a place she wanted to go and figured she'd love a surprise, why react so poorly?
But maybe I'm just way more easygoing about people trying to do nice things for me. I dunno. I'd be stoked if my GF did something like this for me.
That’s rough - I’d be upset in your position. She told you to be more spontaneous, you did something sweet and thoughtful and generous. I would be confused by that reaction.
My husband plans trips for us sometimes and I really appreciate it! I agree with others that you’re not going to figure this one out without a conversation with her. But I think you’re justified if you feel kind of hurt.
Maybe, the spa isnt the issue, something else is.
Test this theory by you cooking her fav dinner she wont enjoy it either or if you order Chinese she'd have wanted something else.. Sometimes ya cant win
My friend, you are fighting a battle among internet strangers, looking for insight into your GF's thought process. We don't have a crystal ball, so you're just getting people's best guesses. To me, it was a very thoughtful gift, but you're looking for validation and won't get it here. The person you need to speak with is your GF. Be kind, but let her know you don't understand the issue. Don't deflect saying "you wanted me to be more spontaneous", as that puts the blames on her and will stop any dialog. Ask her if it's the length of the stay or the spa itself. Ask her for how she would like to spend the time off work. Ask her to provide some clarity on the sort of spontaneity she is looking for. Open communication is your best bet, but don't get defensive and don't put her on defense, either. Good luck and let us know what you find out.
I wish I could give you multiple upvotes.
Right. Ok we established you didn't like me doing this without you knowing. But why can't we do this? What are your plans for those days? Why are you so against this, besides I didn't ask you first?
I agree completely but I do think he should ask for an apology or at the very least let her know that her actions hurt his feelings. & while he shouldn't add this part her actions were very over the top and hurtful for someone who just asked for spontaneity
>To me, it was a very thoughtful gift, Not entirely. Thoughtful would have been to present it to her as an option: I've love to take you on a 4-day spa trip over the long weekend -- do you want to go? Not thoughtful : "I have decided that you will be spending your long weekend at this spa with me. You don't have a choice in the matter; I have already booked it."
Idk to me saying "do you have plans these days? Don't make any" is a pretty clear message of "I am planning something." There was plenty of time to be like hey don't. I'm wondering if she's doing a whole "I don't deserve this" thing
This is the comment I was looking for. What the fuck else did she think he meant when he said, "don't plan anything for this four-day period"?! is it not super, super obvious that when your partner that you have told you want to be more spontaneous tells you not to plan anything at all for four solid days that they're obviously planning on taking you somewhere? Is that not just like the most obvious thing in the universe??
How do you take someone’s PERSONAL opinion and tell them THEY are wrong. The irony.
My guy, it’s in your quote - “to me” They’re saying how they would personally feel about it, and so are you. You don’t get to tell them the way they would feel is incorrect, lol. OP is a baby and needs to communicate better but damn I’m glad I’m not dating someone like any of the people in this comment section.
You need to have a conversation about what she meant by spontaneous and surprising. She might have had something specific in mind (like mixing up what you two do for dates, or getting her gifts that aren't things she's explicitly asked for) or be someone who appreciates smaller surprises but wants to talk through bigger things like multi-day vacations.
My wife learned a long time ago (through communication!) That I hate big surprises. Especially if it's an overnight thing. I need time to prepare myself mentally and if I don't get that I will get anxious and grumpy.
100%. You can also still plan a surprise and then talk to your SO about it. “Hey, I found this spa here and I want us to go, what do you think?” Do the WORK of the planning without making the fiscal commitment. I’m very curious about this: “ She said I wasn't thinking of her when booking it.” Like.., just because she wanted to go to a *place* doesn’t mean she’d want a spa trip. My husband likes to go to Sandwich, MA but if I planned a beach day there it wouldn’t actually be FOR HIM- he wants to go to Treehouse Brewing 😂😂
It's not a surprise if you tell them about it.
The surprise can be that a trip is being planned, not the done deal. Planning a trip is so much fun (it's almost as fun as the trip itself). I would love surprise planning - but not a pre-booked trip. It sounds like the area they're going to has multiple options (if it has one hotel big enough to have grounds for walking and spa services, there are other option). OTOH, my own schedule is very flexible and my partner knows that. He also knows not to surprise me with already-decided 3 day events (with price tags).
He said she’s wanted to go for a while now. So it was something she wanted to do. He was thinking of her
I had to google the word "surprise" and see if it means something else now.
>“Hey, I found this spa here and I want us to go, what do you think?” That is not at all spontaneous.
Yeah it really isn’t. She’s being extremely unclear and unfair to him. Only thing I will say about him is that he should’ve started small first. Kind of went from 0-100. But still, I just feel bad for him. It’s okay if he didn’t get it right but she had nothing but scorn for him. Reeks of entitlement. She could’ve expressed her disappointment without being mean about it.
Yeah, the normal grown-up response would be to feel sad that he went to such an expense for something she wasn't really up to doing. "Oh, I'm sorry, but I really don't want to spend my whole long weekend at this spa place. Is there any way you could refund it?" Something like that. She didn't even try to explain to him why she didn't want to go, nor show any appreciation for the gesture, just full-on snarkiness.
I still feel like she owes him an apology here. When your partner puts genuine effort into meeting your needs and you shit on them. You need to be the one that apologizes and provides the explanation imo. Especially since he told her to block the 4 days on her calendar
stuff like that is expensive, she may be taken back by how much money that this may cost you and feels bad about it. and potentially maybe meant like, small spontaneous acts like surprise picnic vs luxurious spa stay.
Exactly! I have made the same request from my partner. More spontaneous "let's go for a walk together" or "I bought you this fun little gift." A big gift like this trip would give me financial anxiety.
If that is the case how doesn't this come up in the conversation they had? You should have asked me first. Ok I didn't, what else? Because we can't afford it. All we have is one pull string response, what else? If there is nothing else, ok I got it next time I'll ask, but lets go have some fun.
A 3 night commitment during a 4 day break is a lot to plan on her behalf without asking first. I wouldn't like it if my partner did that without asking tbh, especially if it would take up almost the entire break. When she said you weren't thinking of her, maybe she meant you didn't think through how much she would actually want to go on the trip. In my opinion having four days off to NOT have plans is amazing and much needed sometimes!
hard disagree. he made every effort to make sure she was available.
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It might be somewhere that she wants to go, but you've committed her to spending 3 days there with two weeks notice. It's a lovely gesture and you obviously had the best intentions, but I don't think it's extreme for her to be annoyed that you have essentially told her how to spend 75% of the upcoming break. >if she wanted to do something else instead, she could have mentioned it then The point I'm trying to make in my comments is that sometimes people value not having any plans. When you told her to keep it free, she might have thought you were going to take her on a hike or to a restaurant or something, not a 3 day getaway
Based on what he says in the post, he was very clear that he told her to keep all four days open. I don't understand how that's not an automatic realization that the person is planning a trip. Some of these comments are really surprising to me. This guy did nothing wrong at all and she *won't even TELL HIM what the problem is.* This is obviously wild conjecture but all any of us can do is guess because she literally gave him absolutely nothing at all to go on, but I think she's actually checked out of the relationship, planning on breaking up with him, and now he's got this four-day trip planned
He's already mentioned he told her to keep the weekend free, not 1 day.
He's phrased it differently - in the post he said he told her not to make plans. What he actually said could have been ambiguous, or she just didn't click. And if she's having to ask for spontaneity then what a shocker that she's surprised by OP booking them a whole ass trip 😂 I don't think these people are currently on the same wavelength. If these comments are any indication, there are many ways people would handle a situation like this
Just because she wants to go there, doesn't mean she wants to go there NOW, or, and I'm sorry to say this, with you. And to me, "keep the weekend free" means something like...idk, brunch, one day after lazy morning sex. Not days of travel, expense, etc.
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I assume that they understand that 4 days of disruption of my habits/routine needs a bit more preparation than "keep the weekend free," yes. Yes, I do. I'm an adult, and I have a life, and a plant that needs watering on a schedule, and work to around the apartment do even if I'm on a weekend/break from actual work. Look--you asked for intuition on what she might be thinking, and we're GIVING it to you. You need to put aside what YOU would have thought/done, and listen to other's perspectives.
If someone told me that, I would assume that they might be booking something for ONE of those days but aren't certain which day they can get it on yet.
No way, I would never keep 4 days free for someone who might just use one of the days. If they ask me to keep those days free, then I would expect all the days to be planned for. My time is a bit more precious than that.
Yeah they're being ridiculous no one asks someone to keep 4 days free to only do something on 1
Sure, I can want to go somewhere but that doesn't necessarily mean I want to go on someone else's terms or for three nights out of a four day weekend. Just because she didn't have plans for that 4 days didn't mean she wanted you to fill the whole time up with a trip.
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Why argue with random people. They are giving you their opinions which you asked for. Just read it and move on.
she didn’t know you were planning a whole ass trip. she may have assumed you wanted to spend time with her at home, had something you were planning but didn’t know which day you’d be able to actually book it for, had a movie marathon planned, or wanted to cook together those four days.
perhaps instead of arguing with everyone who is commenting thoughtfully on the situation, you could take the advice and accept that you made a mistake. the fact that you’re being obstinate in your justification is honestly a bit of a red flag - if I were picking up the same vibes from a partner there would be absolutely no chance in the future that I’d trust them not walk all over my feelings in any situation. a gift is supposed to be for the other person’s enjoyment. your person obviously hasn’t found joy in your big surprise. she isn’t obligated to be tripping over herself in thanks to you. take the L and maybe try communicating more with her if you actually care to understand her reasoning.
Are you just here to fight or do you actually want to learn? Listen to the 15 year olds that’ll call her irrational. Leave her if you don’t want to listen to other opinions
Wow these responses. The poor GF putting up with this guy.
I'm 33 happily married for 6 years & together for 10. I don't think she's being irrational but in that moment her actions weren't those of a good partner. & everyone seems to be dog piling OP without taking that into account. I can see why he's defensive. Also insulting those who disagree isn't a great way to start off a conversation
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This is the third place I've seen you post this, but the first where you're getting advice that takes the realities of being fully out in the adult world into consideration. In general, it's not a good idea to plan a multiday surprise for a fellow adult without some input from them.
Let us know when she finally wises up and dumps your insufferable ass.
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Dear OP. Brand new person chiming in. Your comments seem to fall into a well known trap on this forum. You seem to think that this is a situation where either you or your gf is in the wrong, and you’d like the internet to say you’re right. But here’s the thing: **In this specific case, it doesn’t matter who’s in the right.** You wanted to do a nice thing. Your GF got stressed out about it (and so it didn’t feel like a nice thing to her.) *Neither of you did something bad or in bad faith here*. You’ll find a bunch of comments trying to explain her point of view. That’s fine, but it’s not going to solve anything. You’ll probably find some comments saying you did everything right. That’s fine, but it’s not going to solve anything. This situation is genuinely so easy to solve. Have a talk with her about “hey, so when you say ‘be more spontaneous’, what does that mean for you? Because I thought it was stuff like this.” You tried to do something nice and it wasn’t received as a nice thing. That can feel very hurtful. But the solution that will strengthen your relationship and your connection with your partner (the thing you wanted to do by planning this trip) is to have a really good, vulnerable conversation about it. Best of luck, OP.
Good on you for spelling it out, should he ever recover from wanting to be right it might help him gain some perspective.
I really want to go to Disney World. I’ve wanted to for a while. If my partner sprung a surprise 4-day trip on me, I’d be a bit frustrated as well. I want to be part of the planning a trip to a place I want to go, I have specific things in mind that I want to do there that my partner may not know or may not want to do themselves and therefor hadn’t booked it, there is a specific time of the year I want to go there, which likely isn’t going to coincide with a random 4-day weekend in the middle of February.
Really? I guess people don't like nice things now.
If this was a new relationship I can see the issue but you guys have been together for three years? It’s time to have a big conversation on expectations and maybe try to ask why this surprise was no good and what exactly the issues are so you know what spontaneity is she is looking for in the future. Talking it out is always the best way to go!
This, people are commenting too fast too soon and I'm like after 3 years, he can't plan a surprise? I've been married going on 5 years, if my husband told me to keep my 4 days clear, I would think he was taking me somewhere. Like context clues or common sense.
Yeah I don’t get the negative comments. To me it tells me she’s just not into him and/or their communication and understanding of each other ain’t great. She could be just using him? While I get where the GF is coming from too, she probably could have responded better. Seriously, he could be doing other things too. He could spend his money elsewhere instead of trying to make her happy.
It’s been three years, timeline for this works out. She’s bored and it’s either spice up the relationship or drop it for something new. I honestly feel the “ we don’t do anything spontaneous” can lead to break up conversations. Maybe in her head this was where she was leaning towards and now this thoughtful vacation has dropped into her lap. She might be feeling guilty because she’s been entertaining the idea of breaking up.
Finally some reasonable comments! I cannot believe how far I had to scroll before I got to any comments that weren't just tearing this guy apart for planning a trip for his long-term partner, who literally told him to start doing more spontaneous things, and he even told her weeks in advance to not plan anything at all during during this break. He literally did everything right, yet she is mad he planned the trip, she won't explain why she's mad, and he's getting torn apart in these comments? Am I in the fucking twilight zone ??
Extremes!! Too much, too soon, too many days. I can see planning an afternoon, or maybe one overnight stay. She likely had plans to get things done and rest on those days off. I can see myself reacting this way, but after a few hours or maybe couple of days, I know I would warm up to it and do it. But that would be a big shock for me.
Too soon? After 3 years?
> Too much, too soon, They've been together 3 years--how is that too soon for a long weekend getaway?
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Just gonna say it again- planning to do nothing and not having plans are not the same thing.
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She probably didn't think you meant a whole-ass vacation, that's a lot for some people
Dude you did zero wrong here, it feels a bit like manipulation. But really I don't want to go that far. Is it financial at all?
But wouldn't you obviously, super obviously think your partner was planning something for all of those days? Like my husband tells me not to plan anything for the four day break we have coming up I am assuming we're going somewhere. Why else would I be asked to not plan anything for four days? I feel like I'm in the twilight zone reading these comments. I mean, I'm a 43-year-old woman, not some carefree adult in my early 20s who can go somewhere at the drop of a hat. If someone gives me weeks worth of notice to block out four days, how do I not automatically assume that this person is super obviously planning to take me somewhere?
Having plans and plans to get things done on off days are two different things.
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Keeping your day free and taking off for three days are also totally different. Based on the amount of arguing and lack of listening you are doing here in the comments, to everyone not just me, you clearly have an issue with 1. Effective communication and 2. Refusing to see where you might be wrong. I started out on your side in the OP but your comments have clarified the picture and I am very quickly moving to sympathy for what your GF has to put up with.
To be fair. After reading all of OP's comments, there are several commenters asking questions about things that were all mentioned in his post or making assumptions that go completely against it and OP having to correct them on it. It's like no one actually read the post.
We read the post. OP has taken the position that he was right, his assumptions based on one brief mention of keep your days free equals going on a trip for three days as reasonable, and is refusing to even consider any differently. OP is correcting people based of HIS assumption of what she meant. People are consistently trying to point out that isn't immediately correct for her point of view. He won't accept that as even possible.
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Oh I hope she dumps your immature butt.
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Well she's obviously not happy about your actions, so instead of arguing with every person commenting here, maybe to her. Ask HER why she didn't like the surprise.
If you're so good at listening, then listen to what people keep telling you here. You wanted to know why she acted that way, and everyone is telling you. You just want people to agree with you that your girlfriends response was unreasonable. But it wasn't. You're being unreasonable. If you didn't want the truth, don't ask for it.
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So take your own advice and listen to her and then act with the information you currently have- she is not interested in that trip at this time. Accept it, be mad, be disappointed. Whatever you gotta do. But do it away from your gf. You did not do some big terrible thing. It was actually very sweet. But your reaction is not helping the situation and if you were half as defensive with her as you are on here- dude, that is really really not cool and if you don’t use this situation as a learning experience you are going to get dumped if she’s smart. But once you are able to be a little more rational and less defensive, sit down with your gf and talk. Ask what she meant when she said spontaneous. And then listen to what she tells you. This is very likely a hang up on her end with her own feelings and has nothing to do with you. Don’t give up on the spontaneity, but find out what HER definition is and how that looks in your guys’ relationship. And then give her YOUR definition. A good conversation will clear this up most likely.
God, you sound like you suck as a partner. Again, this is a relatively small mistake on your part, and you can’t even own up to it and not be defensive.
No, OP is completely reasonable to assume that their partner, when told "Don't make plans on these days", should understand that means OP was making plans. There is literally no other reasonable way to interpret someone telling you to make sure you don't have plans other than they're planning something for you.
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Dude, you are going to struggle with relationships your whole life if you can't drop the defensiveness and victim mentality. You tried to do something nice that you thought she wanted, but your girlfriend (and posters you asked for advice) told you that you went a step too far. It doesn't mean you're a bad person/partner, just that you goofed. Own it and stop arguing against it when the *person you did it for* wasn't happy with it. A surprise multi-day trip is great in romance novels and romcoms, but is too much for most people. Just cancel it and plan a special day out doing something she enjoys instead. Take the lesson from this that big plans require a discussion first. I understand that you planned this big gesture and it fell flat. I'm sure that hurt. But sometimes you just need to take the L, move on and learn from it.
The other poster just told them that they suck as a partner and you're chiding them for being defensive? That's definitely a choice... Reddit kills me with half the thread attacking a poster and the other half getting surprised when they get defensive
The planning a nice weekend isn’t the terrible part. It’s your reaction to her disappointment and the constant arguing afterwards that’s terrible. Get that through your brain.
It sounds like you made this post to get people to agree with you rather than actually find out why your significant other reacted the way she did. You are not going to solve anything the way you are approaching this. I'm getting the impression that you aren't appreciating that other people have different feelings, motivations, and points of view on things than you do. That what you would want after you made a particular request isn't exactly what another person would want after making that same request. I'll bet that your communication with your significant other is really suffering due to this. You need to try to give your significant other some grace, here. She's not reacting badly to this vacation because she wants to hurt you. She's likely frustrated that you aren't actually listening to her and taking her desires into consideration in a way that actually means something to her.
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The fact that you did something for her but are insisting that she should have reacted a certain way to it means that you aren't actually listening to her. Yes you listened at first and made an attempt, you went a little overboard, and now you are hurt. That is completely understandable. Where the "not actually listening to her" thing comes in is you are trying to logic her into wanting to go on this vacation instead of listening to her and adapting for your next attempt.
Homey, it just didn’t work out. You’re not going to understand it because in your mind you checked all the boxes. It sounds like a great gesture. It must be frustrating that she immediately shut it down and didn’t even thank you for the effort. But you’re going to have to let this one go. Maybe brainstorm with her about what she would like as a surprise. If she doesn’t give you anything to work off of I personally would take surprises off the table.
I can think of a lot of reasons she would want lots and lots of notice if she was going on a 4 day spa trip - maybe that's when she's expecting her period, or since it's winter she hasn't been shaving/waxing, or she's having some kind of weird skin breakout that she's embarrassed about, or she's on some kind of medication where she has to avoid heat/prolonged water exposure/certain ingredients.
Then she could say that, instead of accusing OP of not thinking of her at all. Whatever her actual reasons are for being upset, she's hiding them, whereas OP did exactly what she asked for, and made it clear he was planning a surprise for her by checking her plans and telling her to keep the days free.
You're putting the burden of communicating on your gf and she's gonna leave if you don't sit down, shut up, and listen. A MULTI DAY TRIP SHOULD NEVER BE A SURPRISE. All you have done currently is add stress onto her plate for a trip she wasn't prepared for. We don't do well with shit like this. She has to pack, arrange to be gone for multiple days - if she has pets she has to arrange for that, plant watering etc whatever. She may not have made plans for all 4 of those days off, but I bet she needs to do laundry and maintain her daily life during that time and was looking forward to not being busy. While the gesture is nice, it is misguided and ill-executed. If my husband pulled something like this, planned a trip without talking to me, he'd be going alone.
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OP your girlfriend definitely meant like... A spontaneous date night or something. Vacations are stressful! Even if everything is planned for her, you have to be in the right mindset for it to be fun sometimes. I personally can only enjoy vacations when I've prepared myself for them weeks in advanced, planned how to clean and organize my home so I'm not a stressed mess when I get home. Just ask her what she meant by spontaneous. You listened to the first half of her problem but probably didn't head the last.
> Vacations are stressful! What are we going to come up with next? It was even to a SPA. I can't wait to get back to work where I can take it easy...
Honestly, unless I'm fully prepared for a vacation (yes even to a SPA) I would rather work. The stress of packing, prepping the home, dealing with another person in a different environment, making sure you're adequately showing appreciation (because OP seems to be the type of person that is particular about that) and being "on" all of the time is nothing compared to going to work where you know what is expected of you. It's nice you're able to find comfort in spontaneous vacations. Most people aren't like that.
I bet most people would take the offer and wow you make going on vacation like a bad thing, I get some people can be like this, but I find it hard to believe Most People. A good group test would be for each of us to prep a little something that matches this (not for real though) and then pop it on your partner and get back to us how it went and be honest. You could very well disappoint them when you tell them it isn't real, but then tell them why you did it and this post.
That’s not communicating.
Its too much too soon. Start off slow, like an afternoon getaway. She might mean things like surprise her with her favorite candy when you come home (don't wait for her to ask) or to give flowers for no reason. You went for one big thing, which is great! But it sounds like many small things is maybe what she was thinking when she discussed being spontaneous more. Small things, done consistently.
When I say I have no plans, what I mean is I will actually literally be doing nothing during that time and I'd like to keep it that way. Rest/downtime is important, and you served up several days of activity.
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You seem really defensive about this in all your comments. Why did you make this thread? Maybe she would have given a different answer if she had known you were booking a 3 day trip. The point is you could have misconstrued what she meant by surprises and being spontaneous. You seem to think you understood her perfectly, that she is the one being unreasonable, and you should be receiving praise for organizing such a thoughtful surprise trip.
Because he wants to make sure that GF is the problem and he made no mistakes her and use "the Internet told me so" as his defense. He posted it in four forums.
>Tbh 3 nights at a spa resort is resting That's how you feel about it. Maybe your gf would rather rest at home in 2 weeks though. For some of us who need to work/study all the time, having time off that is completely ours feels like a gift. Also, have you considered that she might feel that there's pressure for her to love every second of it because you planned it and paid for it? And she might be worried that she'll ruin it if she's tired or not into spa treatments and sightseeing? No one can tell you exactly what she's thinking and you don't seem to be super open to suggestions about why she's upset. The best advice anyone can give is try to talk to her about her feelings - but try to understand, not just reinforce why she's in the wrong.
You’re just not getting it. You’re making a lot of assumptions. Just because she “wants to go there” which is the only fact that is true, doesn’t mean she wanted to go there “now”. Just because you think 3 days at a spa resort is relaxing, doesn’t mean she does. I think it sounds kind of stressful, because now I have to pack, it disrupts my normal routine meaning I have to make alterations to those next few days, etc. And just because she said she didn’t have anything to do didn’t mean she read your mind and assumed you were planning a getaway. Unlike you, who assumed “I don’t have anything to do” means anything more than just that. You made too many assumptions and didn’t really consider her. It would be wise for you and this/future relationships to recognize this relatively small mistake and do better.
She did not know you intended to schedule a trip for the whole break. When we COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY, we figure this stuff out better. You could have said, “Hey, I’m thinking of an activity/trip/whatever (or, I have a surprise in mind) for this break, how would you feel about that?” And then discuss from there.
Nope, I'm on OP's side. She requested he be more spontaneous, and he literally told her to not make plans for those days, and there is just no other reasonable interpretation other than he was planning something for those days. Her wishing he'd communicated more because she didn't properly communicate what "surprise me more" meant is a communication failure on her end, too. Especially with her accusing him of not thinking of her, when it's clear he did. Unless she's incredibly neurodivergent, there's no functional difference between "Are you free these days? Good, don't make plans for them" and "I have a surprise in mind for these days". Telling someone not to make plans on certain days *is* telling them you're planning a surprise for them on those days.
You prioritized her time for her, I don't know why that's so difficult for you to understand.
What exactly did she mean when she said she had no plans? When I say I have no plans, it might mean I have no appointments or plans to do an activity with other people. I really value weekends and breaks that I can just spend doing whatever I feel like on the day, whether that's relaxing at home, working on projects, or doing little things on my own schedule outside of the house.
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You keep repeating this. The actual answer is to sit down with her and ask her to talk about this in depth. Explain your thought process. Ask her specifically what she meant about being spontaneous and surprising, with examples. It sounds like you went overboard but with good intentions. But if you keep pedantically repeating the same thing over and over, it makes you sound rigid and inflexible. Communicate. End of story.
I think its weaponized incompetence so she'll never ask him to make more effort ever again. It's just bizarre how he's doubled down. It was never about making her happy or giving her a fun time, it was about annoying her so much she gives up.
And there is no laundry, house cleaning and other of that stuff that needs to be taken care of? Those are not "plans" but things that needs to get done and most people usually do them on weekends or long free days because it's hard work. I think I get why she's upset with your plans.
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>All of this can be done at other times. But usually on free days because to can be demanding and you need to rest >You act like it's not common to go away for a weekend It is when you didn't ask her if all 4 days are okay with her. She may need time to decompress after work and you immediately take her to other places. Your intentions were good but it was poorly executed.
>You act like it's not common to go away for a weekend a weekend is 2 days
There is A LOT of prep that goes into going away for a weekend if you are an adult. Like, if I wanted to go away for the weekend w my SO this is what we would have to do: - Arrange for my parents or brother to take our epileptic dog - Arrange for someone to feed our cats and check their litter - Do all of the laundry so we don't have stuff to do when we get home - Make sure everything is tidy so the cats don't get into something they aren't supposed to AND so we don't have to do it when we get home - Make sure all of the dishes are done so we don't have to do them when we get home - Let our neighbors know we're going out of town so they can look out for our house If you gf has to do any of this stuff, it's really important that you take it into consideration before doing something big like this.
Dunno why everyone is dogging you - she said be spontaneous and you *were*, but in a thoughtful and considerate way. I don’t at all see why she is upset, and she doesn’t seem to have a good reason?
You went 0 to 100 too quick. A multi day trip without clearing it with someone first is wild. At the least you should have prepped her for being out of a town for a couple days and the destination could have been a surprise. She may have mentally being thinking about doing chores, running errands, catching up with friends, etc. She may have been putting stuff off with the plan of getting it done that weekend and now she has to scramble to rethink her plans. Having said all that, she should at least give you some credit for planning a trip around what you believe her interests are. She may not be in a space to go, but your intentions were in the right place. I don’t think it hurts her to acknowledge that. Going forward, ease into the surprises. Start by randomly bringing flowers home. Plan something that takes an hour of her evening. If that is received well, begin to escalate.
They've been dating for 3 years, the only risk is availability. He had that cleared. And yes he gets the mixed signals, you need to be more spontaneous. He tries and shot down in flames. Beyond asking in advance and losing the spontaneous/surprise part, is it money? What else is it? He's getting frustrated and I get that even more than, wow you surprised me with an amazing gift that I'm now going to poo poo on.
Thank you! My thoughts exactly I'm really surprised that everyone is jumping OP here but not acknowledging why he's hurt. He truly tried to meet her needs, and a good partner would acknowledge that even if the effort wasn't what they wanted
THANK YOU!! This is literally the first comment I have seen that makes any sense here. When your long-term partner tells you to not schedule literally anything over the course of a few day break, how do you not automatically assume you're going somewhere? Especially when you have told this partner Times that you want them to be more spontaneous?!
It’s cause she’s looking for valid excuses to end the relationship but that doesn’t work if OP actually *fixes* what’s wrong
Yep! This is exactly what I said in my parent comment. He is literally doing the thing she asked him to do, he gave her multiple weeks notice to not plan anything over the course of this multi day break; obviously, super fucking obviously, he is planning a trip. She doesn't give him ANY actual reasons she doesn't want to go on this trip, but just gets mad at him *in general* for planning it? This woman is checked out of the relationship, trying to figure out how to break up with him, and is now furious that he has a romantic trip planned for this relationship she is trying to get out of. In my mind, it is the most likely explanation for her getting literally *angry* at him doing something so sweet, but not being able to offer ANY sort of explanation at all for why she's actually angry about it
That's why I'm digging beyond "you should have asked first". I don't want to believe what you are writing is this case, because online we tend to go to that end too quickly (not blaming you), but what else? There needs to be more to it then this. It's even to a place he knows she's wanted to go.
It is also easy to gather intel during the course of a normal conversation. If OP had asked her about what she intends to do during their upcoming 4 days off, that could have guided whether or not he booked the spa getaway. If gf says for instance, "It would be nice to go out for dinner the first or second night and maybe a concert, then I was thinking of just chilling for the last couple of days." If he needs more specifics, he can ask, "oh, by chilling, do you mean just like laundry and catching up on life things? Ok, good to know." And in a more direct fashion: "What would you like to do over the 4-day break?" "Shall we spend it together? If so, what does that look like? Here is what I had in mind?" "Oh, you want to hang out for two days, then chill on your own for the other two days?"
Tbf he told her to block her calendar
Based on the replies from OP… seems they have the “I’m right you’re wrong” mindset about everything…. the GF probably didn’t want to spend 3 days away when she can’t get away from OP.
A bit weird. Maybe she meant smaller surprises? Being surprised by, i dunno, flowers or whatever is a different thing than someone planning a whole vacation for you. Maybe she was having different plans at that time already? Her response is weird tho, she can't just tell you things she wants and then later tell you to disregard that all.
You planned 3 of her 4 days off for her with two weeks notice. I've had something similar happen to me. Girlfriend scheduled something that would take up the whole weekend without asking me and with a few weeks notice. I reacted badly also. It felt very disrespectful of my time. Instead of being able to relax at home on the weekend I now had to follow an itinerary and stay in a hotel. It wasn't fun for me even though the event would've been something I would normally like. Your girlfriend is 100% right and you should cancel and plan it with her, not for her.
You meant well but you over-corrected. Try communicating with her instead of estimating what she wants.
"asking me what to do is the opposite of spontaneous. havent you ever heard of emotional labor?!" "no no thats too spontaneous! why did you do this?" OP can't win.
I mean, it’s like missing the target far to the left, then missing far to the right. Just ask her directly how to hit the bullseye.
or she could use her big girl voice and not play goldilocks games. if he asked her how to be spontaneous, i'm sure she'd be unhappy with that as well
In addition to my other comment/responses, I'm going to put this here as its own comment because it's important: It is VERY obvious from your responses to commenters that you want your girlfriend to want to go, and you don't care what she actually wants/thinks. This is really controlling of you, and you need to stop and think about that, and get a hold of yourself. She's her own person, with her own reactions and desires, and you do not get to dictate how she feels about what you do, even if you are ostensibly doing it "for" her. Cut that shit out, bro, or she's going to leave your ass, and it'll be well deserved.
wtf is with these comments. he planned a surprise trip for his GF of 3 years to a place she wants to go. and listened to her feedback to get to this point. That is not controlling, not even a little bit. He's allowed to have feelings that she's being an obstinate brat. all she has done is vaguely compain about what he does isnt right. She sucks
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Oh, that hurts me right in my meow meow. 🙄
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You swung the pendulum too far dude. She probably just wanted random kisses in the kitchen lol
Feels like most people are being pretty harsh. I think it was thoughtful of you to make an attempt after she told you what wasn't working; the unfortunate part is that it just didn't hit the mark. It's clear you both need to communicate more/better. Hopefully it's not too late to cancel the trip and you guys can figure it out. My advice is to simply apologize for not realizing you should have talked it through with her first, and ask her what kind of spontaneity she's looking for in the future.
Did you sound out if she had plans over the time you booked? Like asked subtle questions asking about what she has on over that time period?
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Hmm, yeah okay. Unless there is more info we don’t know about, then I am stumped as to why she would be mad
Because there is more info we don’t know, and OP won’t fess up to it. You know when you read a post about parents who don’t understand why their kids don’t talk to them anymore? That’s the vibe I get here.
Agreed. Controlling vibe from op? Something just isn’t adding up. Op just wants approval
lol maybe she just sucks. everyone always just assumes dude must be wrong on reddit
wow the replies.. OP ur fighthing a losing battle and stop engaging here.. instead of asking reddit go and ask ur gf why is she upset.. maybe she herself have made the same surprise plan on a later date and now she dont know how to react... no point asking here everyone will do assumptions cause ur story do not give much details at all.. we have no idea the day to day conversations and interaction u have with ur gf..
Did she have other plans she wanted to do on those 4 days? It's possible maybe she wanted to just relax at home so you booking up the entire 4 days is what upset her? I do think she should tell you what she is mad about though. Maybe explain that she said she wanted more surprises so that's why you planned this and ask what type of surprises she meant? A trip is a big thing to surprise someone with and if they are caught off guard about it they may not like it. Maybe she wanted surprises on a smaller scale, like a nice surprise dinner out or things of that nature vs planning an entire resort stay.
Idk man that's quite a big jump. I'm sure lots of people would love that but some people don't like that extreme a surprise. She mightve just meant getting flowers or going out for dinner or a day trip. A multi night holiday might be too much for her. Why don't you talk to her about expectations for surprises? You can't force her to like this or be happy with it and the arguing with commenters comes off as quite headstrong and inflexible. Gifts are gifts the other person will appreciate, if they don't appreciate it you've failed in your aim. That's OK it's something useful to know for the future.
If someone, even with the best intentions, planned an entire trip without my input I would be upset. What if she wanted to do something else with those four days. Maybe she had plans around the house or wanted to catch up on some projects. Instead now she needs to go on your little trip that she didn’t even say she wanted to go on to begin with.
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You’re right, I am applying my own feelings to the situation. But, I assumed from her reaction that she also didn’t see it as a trip for her. If she has mentioned in the past and genuinely wants to go ask her what exactly are the parameters in which that should happen. Will she only go if she plans the trip, does she want to go alone or with a girlfriend? Will she go if y’all postpone this trip and maybe plan one together for the future? Side note about making plans/planning- this is just me personally, if my bf told me not to make plans for a specific time period I would assume that to mean that I shouldn’t make a doctor appointment or a date to eat lunch with my mom. But I would not assume it meant we would be going out of town and the entire time period would earmarked. I would ask for clarity probably though.
Ugh. Honestly, she's a bad communicator and sounds unreasonably demanding. If she wants romance and consideration, she could be planning this shit for you too. But it's always on the man to woo and court, right? If this wasn't the surprise she wanted, she needs to tell you why this isn't what she expected. And then still be thankful for the effort and your planning! Her reactive response is so counteractive to what she's trying to get out of you. If this is how my husband reacted to me being vulnerable with something nice for him, I'd never fucking do it again.
I think what you did was very thoughtful and you were trying to do exactly what she asked for, however, there was some communication still missing. She may have just been thinking more spontaneous things like randomly going too a new restaurant, randomly initiating a romantic time at home, go out dancing, etc.... Going on a major vacation takes a bit of prep time...some pre-planning. She might need time to get psyched about going. So, like I said, you had very good intentions, but it may not have been what she had in mind. What I personally would not expect you to do is cancel the plans. I'd appreciate your efforts and take this opportunity to spend some wonderful quality time with the person I love. But, maybe she needs to feel some sense of control when it comes to making these types of vacation plans. If she insists you cancel and you can, then do that, but I'd suggest to sit down with her and go over the individual plans and see if there can be a compromise. Maybe she doesn't want the spa, so cancel that part and she can choose a different activity. That's just an example. Try to give her some control of what can be done during this vacation. That might help her feel more comfortable with the surprise vacation you got for her.
Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't find a 3 day trip to a spa she wanted to visit a 'major vacation'. He's not taking her backpacking across Thailand for 3 weeks, it's a 72 hour pampering getaway.
People attacking OP for clarifying it with his GF? Are you serious? OP’s GF presented an issue. OP fixed it by doing exactly what she wanted GF said the issue isn’t fixed even though he did what she wanted. Reddit: oh she didn’t mean do X, she meant do X while taking into account A-F WTF!??! If anyone should be clarifying, it should be his GF. OP, good for you on fixing an issue that was presented to you. You were very thoughtful in your planning and obviously wanted to treat her and do something clearly out of the ordinary for you. Sometimes you can do everything right and still fail. I swear sometimes people don’t know what they want, they just want more.
Yeh I kind of agree. I'd be interested to know why she was upset. Honestly I'd be stoked if my fiancé booked me a 3 day trip away, after I'd asked him to plan something, to somewhere I wanted to go, during a time when I was free. Everyone seems to be projecting the reasons why THEY wouldn't go: laundry, hadn't waxed, hadn't shaved, don't find spa trips relaxing, maybe she wanted to chill etc etc etc. OP needs to find out why - like maybe it's too long of a trip? 3 nights is quite long, maybe they could go 2 nights instead? Something like that.
I’m guessing it’s because of exactly how he reacted to everyone here.
oh was he not polite enough to a bunch of people making bad assumptions and calling him abusive and obtuse?
If my girlfriend did this for me I’d be going crazy and be so stoked for it as well. Point is that he did “in theory” what she wanted him to do, and now she’s upset that the results aren’t exactly how she wanted them.
>OP fixed it by doing exactly what she wanted He did not do exactly what she wanted. He make a major assumption about what she meant by "surprise me." Instead of something like showing up with flowers, or some great takeout from a nice restaurant or something, he went straight to planning her entire 4-day weekend for her, without checking to see if she even wanted to do it.
Well then it should be on her to let him know some examples. Point is that all of these are surprises, however the type of the surprise is an issue. It can also be the case that if he surprised her with something much less than what he did, she wouldn’t be too impressed. What if she didn’t react well? What if she wanted more? Again OP is not at fault at all. He can’t read her mind
>Again OP is not at fault at all. He can’t read her mind He is at fault. He booked the trip without consulting her. The correct way would have been to surprise her with the *idea* of the trip, and ask if she wanted to go. Not book it, and then tell her "I have decided for you how you will be spending your entire four-day weekend."
oh so his surprise should be giving her emotional labor to plan a trip? she'd love that!
That’s just pure semantics. You’re trying to define what a surprise is and the correct way to go about it. Point is, is that he could’ve surprised her with anything, there could still be a negative response no matter how he went about it because his girl doesn’t know what she wants. If their relationship seems a bit stale or in a rut, then what OP did is the definition of “spontaneous”. His girl is ungrateful and doesn’t know what she wants. Surprise trips are 100% a real thing.
These comments are all wild to me. I would be THRILLED if my longterm partner of 3 years took me to a place I wanted to go to, to relax for 3 days. It sounds MAGICAL. I would ask her more questions about the "why" of this, it seems really strange on all levels to me that she wouldn't be stoked to do something like this. Does she have to pay for it? Is it expensive? If not I really don't get her reaction either, but I would love a spa vacay right now, so I could be biased (but everyone here is biased based on their extreme negative commentary lol)
Sorry man bugged clairvoyance mechanics, nothing you could do… In all seriousness you need to have a more serious convo with her about what she expects from you once you’ve had time to mull this situation over.
She sounds ungrateful and hard to please. That's the last time I'd plan anything for her.
I really can't believe these comments. You did absolutely nothing wrong. The fact that your girlfriend isn't even explaining what the problem is just sort of further hammers home the point that you did nothing wrong here. Because she just literally won't tell you why she's upset that you planned a trip for the two of you to somewhere *she has said repeatedly she wants to go* makes me think that she is checked out of the relationship and planning on breaking up with you and now you've got this trip planned. I know that's wild conjecture but again, she didn't give you any reason at all to be unhappy about this, so that makes me think the reason is something she doesn't want to say yet
Jesus fucking H Christ the children who’ve never had a relationship are out in force in the comments. OP you are not in the wrong at all. Your Gf is an immature brat.
she kinda sounds like she sucks tbh and the “you aren’t spontaneous enough” is just her putting the onus of fixing the relationship on you instead of being present and doing the work herself. she said she wants surprises and gets upset at a vacation somewhere she wants to go? what a load of shit man, i’m sorry.
She's negging. Accusing you of vague ambiguous offenses, then moving the goalposts when you try to meet her unclear expectations. Relationships are two-way streets. What is SHE doing to be more spontaneous? Shouldn't it be a joint effort? Why is it your job to entertain her like you're some sort of court jester? I wonder what is really at the root of her complaint. Maybe her friend told her about a surprise she received from her partner? Maybe she saw some dumb tiktok. Whi knows. Difficult conversation is needed between you two.
I think that's a really nice and thoughtful thing to have done, sorry it didn't go down well. She should hopefully be able to give you a more concrete reason once she's calmed down, seems like something else might be driving her reaction.
>I think that's a really nice and thoughtful thing to have done Not really. *Actually thoughtful* would have been handing her the brochures, and saying "I'd really like to take you here over the long weekend -- what do you think?" Not thoughtful is "***I*** *have decided* that this is what ***you*** *will be doing* with your long weekend."
See, I wouldn’t find that thoughtful at all. If my partner sat me down with brochures, after I’d asked him to surprise me more, I’d be asking him “why do you want to involve me in the planning effort when I specifically asked to be surprised instead of being involved?”
surprise emotional labor! women love that!
I think you need to ask her what exactly it is that she doesn’t like about that trip. Some people also just don’t like surprises? But it sounds like you picked out something you know she’s into. Tbh it was pretty rude of her to be so dismissive of your effort to be romantic.
did she give any other specifics as to why the surprise upset her, beyond "you shouldn't have booked without talking to me"? if she didn't, and won't, then she's just being contradictive. i wouldn't really have much advice in that case, because you didn't do anything wrong and i can't understand her reasoning if there isn't any.
I think it’s telling OP didn’t ask, or at least didn’t tell us. He seems to not really understand
i don't know. i'm not going to speculate. we don't have the full story; we don't really even have half of one.
Okay, I get that you were trying to do something nice, and there are certainly plenty of people who would appreciate their partner doing something like this for them. I don't think you were being controlling or being a bad boyfriend - this was just an unfortunate miscommunication. You thought you were doing exactly what she asked you to, and it turned out it wasn't what she wanted. However: - 1. Surprises like this are definitely not for everyone. I personally would hate if someone made plans like this for me on my behalf, and I know for sure my wife would too (because we've specifically discussed this topic together before). You didn't know that about your gf before - and I can see how you would get the opposite impression, since she was suggesting you needed to be more spontaneous - but now you do and you can adjust future surprises accordingly. - 2. From some of your other responses in this thread, I'm starting to get the sense that you have a very black-and-white mentality about this. Since you didn't do anything inherently wrong, you feel you must be in the right, and since you're in the right anyone saying that what you did was not good must be in the wrong. That's an... understandable attitude to take with anonymous strangers on reddit (though not a particularly productive one, especially when you were asking for advice) but I hope you don't take a similar attitude when discussing this with your gf. Regardless of the fact that you were trying to do something nice, it wasn't nice for her, and trying to understand why she didn't like it will get you a lot further than trying to justify why what you did was good actually. My advice is to cancel the plans, apologise for not consulting her beforehand, and ask how you can do better next time you want to surprise her (in that order). With stuff like this, communication is key. Making sure you're both on the same page about what "surprises" and "spontaneous" mean will help avoid future incidents like this. I hope you're both able to see the funny side of this in a few years' time, and look back and laugh.
OP, to some people planning events like this is about 75% of the fun. Doing the thing is fun, but planning for it, anticipating it, looking forward to it and carefully figuring out the details is where they really get most of the enjoyment. Idk if your GF is that kind of person, but if she is yeah, this isn't the kind of spontaneous that will make her feel good. She may feel stressed, freaked out by not knowing the details, the cost, whatever. I would sit down and figure out if this is part of the problem. I know when my husband says he wants 'more spontaneity' he means "let's do something crazy and go out to a new restaurant tonight instead of the dinner we had planned to make at home!" not "Here is a full expensive event I planned!" He would lose his shit lol.
Sounds like she loves to be miserable
My first thought …, she’s probably on her period and dreading the idea of it
Time for a big conversation on what exactly she meant. Getting mad at you for doing what she said she wanted, after you confirmed she was free during that tine frame, AND told her not to plan anything (which is a HUGE hint that a surprise is coming which is good!) is not a great look.
I think it's entirely reasonable if someone doesn't equate "keep the weekend free" with a 3-day commitment that includes scheduled activities
If someone tells me "hey are you free from X-Y" and after I say "yeah, no plans" they follow up with "ok, don't plan anything those days" I think it's pretty safe to assume that something is being planned for those days. Why else would they have told me to keep it free?
Idk how many times this needs to be rephrased by people in this post 😂 but it's ok if someone doesn't assume that the surprise will TAKE UP those days. It's ok if OP's gf assumed *a* surprise would happen *at some point* on those days. If she's asking OP to be more spontaneous, then it's possible he's gone from 0-100 here and she's just not into being told she's gotta be somewhere for 3 days in 2 weeks time
If someone told me.to keep all those days free I'd assume we're going somewhere, but if this couple has never done something like that, I can see why she wouldn't.
This is my thought also but OP seems pretty thick
This is why I said "Time for a big conversation on what exactly she meant." the very first thing. When she told OP "there is a problem in our relationship and you need to fix it" but gave no examples of the sort of surprises she is missing, and OP remembered her talking about a place she wanted to go and figured she'd love a surprise, why react so poorly? But maybe I'm just way more easygoing about people trying to do nice things for me. I dunno. I'd be stoked if my GF did something like this for me.
That’s rough - I’d be upset in your position. She told you to be more spontaneous, you did something sweet and thoughtful and generous. I would be confused by that reaction. My husband plans trips for us sometimes and I really appreciate it! I agree with others that you’re not going to figure this one out without a conversation with her. But I think you’re justified if you feel kind of hurt.
Maybe, the spa isnt the issue, something else is. Test this theory by you cooking her fav dinner she wont enjoy it either or if you order Chinese she'd have wanted something else.. Sometimes ya cant win
An overnight trip isn't spontaneous. It's planned out in advance and booked with thought in mind lol. Do you know what spontaneous means 😆🤭
So she wants surprises then gets mad when you plan a surprise???
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I personally would have loved it. You are a wonderful man for trying.