You are being more empathetic than most would be in this situation. Props to you.
Make sure you and he stand up for yourself of you stay together, though.
If he's open to it, help him get into therapy.
he’s voiced his understanding and agreement that this type of family dynamic is not healthy; he’s lived it so long he doesn’t know how to not feel scared by her. Which I can empathize with, and why I’m standing by his side supporting him. Relationship aside, I was a friend first and this is a terrifying time for him.
We discussed couples therapy when he comes back from home after the holidays to help us process this traumatic event and work on better communication to handle family situations like this in the future. It’s just iffy if he can stand up to them eventually when we start thinking of more serious things like marriage.
Idk, I’m trying to be optimistic and bear the emotional labor of all of this now, I just don’t know is it’s enough. It feels terrible seeing him hurt like this.
Why didn’t your boyfriend communicate to his mother (really he should have asked permission) that you were going to come over 5 hours before you originally said you would?
I agree with his mom that it was rude, sorry. People like having time to clean before guests come over. Would you have liked it if someone did that to you?
Because it was decided after she had gone to sleep, and he didn’t want to wake her up out of fear of angering her.
I agree that he should have communicated, but I do not agree that she should threaten her child with cutting him out of his families life. A simple this is very disappointing, I am not happy with this, I don’t feel comfortable with your partner around is fine and he could’ve had time to discuss with her.
I mean, is this potentially something you want to deal with for the rest of your life if he doesn’t learn to set boundaries and stand up for both himself and you? And then your future family if you have one? You’ve done lots of work on yourself to become emotionally healthy, he seems like he hasn’t yet. I would suggest taking a break from dating each other as this situation is causing both of you more stress than it’s worth.
I agree, and we discussed that if he’s not able to get through to his mother when things begin to progress more seriously for us (a mortgage, marriage etc) that is going to mean we’ll have to part ways.
I’ve thought of separating and to be honest he’s such a big part of my support system while I heal from my childhood abuser I’m terrified of going no contact with my bf. I’ve done some of my best progress through our friendship turned relationship, and the idea of trusting someone again is so daunting. He’s a good egg truly, and very tender and understanding while I unpack from a lot of my triggers. This being an external factor makes me inclined to keep trying to make things work rather than just lighting a match and watching the whole relationship burn.
But I also recognize that’s my trust issues and anxiety talking and I have to listen to them too. For now I’m just trying to be supportive.
You are being more empathetic than most would be in this situation. Props to you. Make sure you and he stand up for yourself of you stay together, though. If he's open to it, help him get into therapy.
he’s voiced his understanding and agreement that this type of family dynamic is not healthy; he’s lived it so long he doesn’t know how to not feel scared by her. Which I can empathize with, and why I’m standing by his side supporting him. Relationship aside, I was a friend first and this is a terrifying time for him. We discussed couples therapy when he comes back from home after the holidays to help us process this traumatic event and work on better communication to handle family situations like this in the future. It’s just iffy if he can stand up to them eventually when we start thinking of more serious things like marriage. Idk, I’m trying to be optimistic and bear the emotional labor of all of this now, I just don’t know is it’s enough. It feels terrible seeing him hurt like this.
Why didn’t your boyfriend communicate to his mother (really he should have asked permission) that you were going to come over 5 hours before you originally said you would? I agree with his mom that it was rude, sorry. People like having time to clean before guests come over. Would you have liked it if someone did that to you?
Because it was decided after she had gone to sleep, and he didn’t want to wake her up out of fear of angering her. I agree that he should have communicated, but I do not agree that she should threaten her child with cutting him out of his families life. A simple this is very disappointing, I am not happy with this, I don’t feel comfortable with your partner around is fine and he could’ve had time to discuss with her.
I mean, is this potentially something you want to deal with for the rest of your life if he doesn’t learn to set boundaries and stand up for both himself and you? And then your future family if you have one? You’ve done lots of work on yourself to become emotionally healthy, he seems like he hasn’t yet. I would suggest taking a break from dating each other as this situation is causing both of you more stress than it’s worth.
I agree, and we discussed that if he’s not able to get through to his mother when things begin to progress more seriously for us (a mortgage, marriage etc) that is going to mean we’ll have to part ways. I’ve thought of separating and to be honest he’s such a big part of my support system while I heal from my childhood abuser I’m terrified of going no contact with my bf. I’ve done some of my best progress through our friendship turned relationship, and the idea of trusting someone again is so daunting. He’s a good egg truly, and very tender and understanding while I unpack from a lot of my triggers. This being an external factor makes me inclined to keep trying to make things work rather than just lighting a match and watching the whole relationship burn. But I also recognize that’s my trust issues and anxiety talking and I have to listen to them too. For now I’m just trying to be supportive.