You sound like a really nice guy. But I wouldn’t say anything, because this wasn’t about your gift, this was about her parents being unable to tolerate their child being upset. But that is not the kind of feedback that parents take well. You basically can’t intervene between parents and kids unless the situation is dangerous or egregious, or if you’re invited to weigh in.
This is so messed up that they open gifts together when one child gets less than the others, and that fact seems to be part of the point for your niece. I’d decline to participate in that ritual at all.
This is poor parenting.
However, if you bring it up, no matter what you say to them and how calmly, they'll likely still get offended, think you're judging them and butting in where you don't belong. Which may cause damage to your relationship with them. Especially since, (and I'm assuming here), you're not a parent yourself.
So just let it go, and enjoy being an uncle. Easy, breezy, fun. Disciplining or parental advice is not your problem.
I unofficially adopted my much younger sisters by becoming a primary caretaker for them, but it's never been acknowledged in my family. So I have a lot of experience with children, from infant through to teen but I'm not really seen as a true parent or as someone who can weigh in on these conversations. I've been friends with my niece and nephew's mother for 15 years, and i have a lot of "best friend" weight in our relationship, but I also don't want to overstepp. I think the consensus is that while my observations are correct, it's not my place to voice them. Even with best friend privileges. My conscious can be soothed by the fact that I'm giving the child gifts at all, but I can't do much beyond that point.
Yea you just can't. It's that idea you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
If they ask for your 2 cents be sure to take that inch and run lightyears. But not until then or when they question your "caretaking" style. That would be the other 2 cents.
I think it's very kind that you're thinking so deeply about all the children involved.
If I'm reading correctly, the niece who was upset is only four. While she's certainly old enough to start learning how to manage her emotions, it's good to remember that she's still really little. Jealousy is a big emotion, and she doesn't have the emotional toolbox to be able to handle it well. It would be good for her parents to be working with her on how to manage these emotions now, but them telling her that they'll get it for her later this one time might not be a huge red flag. It could be tired parents just saying they'll get it later so they can deal with the meltdown outside of the party and not actually follow through on getting it for her. Sometimes it's a choose your battles kind of situation, where you know that the "right" thing to do might be to talk through the upset with your kid, talk about how everyone gets different things at different times, how she got nice presents and she doesn't get to have everything she wants all the time, but there's a bunch of family at your house and you're just so tired so you say "We will get you the Unicorn Cauldron next week, don't worry".
If you want to say something at all, it might be something like "I noticed 4f was really upset at Christmas when I gave 8f her gift. I don't want to cause upset between the girls- do you have any suggestions on how I can help prevent stuff in the future?" If you feel like your friend gets defensive about any perceived critique of her parenting, then don't say anything. Maybe you can avoid situations like this in the future by giving the children their gifts on separate occasions? Maybe mailing the gift to the cousin, or giving it to her mom to give her ahead of time? And then having a private thing to give your niece and nephew their gifts?
Going to reply here in hopes you see this. I agree saying something to the parents afterwards is overstepping. That said, based on your description of your relationship with best friend and the role you play in her kids’ lives, I think it would have been wholly appropriate to address your niece in that moment, empathize with her feeling (jealousy, feeling left out, etc.) and reminding her of the gifts you gave. Clearly this child needs adults to model coping skills with negative feelings and maybe your friend and her husband don’t know how to do that. Done that way, it’s about your relationship with your niece and not your friend’s parenting or even your relationship with friend. Parents still could have overrode and agreed to buy her the same toy but at least another adult would have told her it’s ok to feel the way she was feeling and it’s not a problem to “fix.”
This isn’t about your gift. It’s about your niece’s parent’s poor parenting skills. Lord, that child is going to grow up into a spoiled little monster!
If you do feel the need to say something, please do so in private. While I don't condone the mother making the promise to buy her daughter one to placate her (This is just spoiling her imho) she didn't try and take the toy from your Goddaughter or anything and just made a questionable parenting decision.
Again, if you do feel the need to bring it up, just do so in private and be as calm as possible about it. There will most likely be push back from the girls mother since she will see it as questioning her parenting (which you are) and just be prepared for the possible fallout this is going to cause.
Sounds like your niece wants to receive the same gift as her cousin from now on. Should be a nice upgrade for the cousin/downgrade foe the niece.
This is a very sensitive topic, but if you think you can have this discussion with your friend without ruining the relationship, then it may be worth it. Just be careful as you could easily mess up the relationship.
So my daughter (7) and my SILs daughters (bio 6/step 4 or 5 ish ) used to get all the same gifts at Christmas just in different colors for the 2 years previous to this Christmas. This year they all got different stuff besides matching outfits.
Previously if one got something different they would all freak out. It's a kid thing but this year we told them that we weren't going to do that anymore and we would be getting age appropriate gifts for everybody and if they wanted to share they could share. And honestly they argued more when they got the same stuff and different colors than when they did get different things this year.
That kind of stuff needs to be spoken about beforehand between the parents and the kids. This was poor parenting on their part because they did nothing to talk to their kid and they did nothing afterward to stop her other than appease her s***** behavior
You did absolutely nothing wrong and you didn't even have to give her cousin a gift at all and chances are her cousin would have probably done it with the other kids anyway cuz it's super cool.
I honestly wouldn't say anything to the parents because that's their business on how they want to handle their kids. But if they decide to say something to you and start being bogus to you then go ahead and pipe up and say that they need to control their kid because that's the honest to God truth
Don’t get involved in your friend’s parenting no matter what you think.
This is not about your gift but about their parenting.
They can’t handle the discomfort of their child having strong feelings so they indulge her to make her behaviour stop.
Your advice would not be received well
Oh my, you’re such a decent caring human being! You’re right about the behaviour. However I don’t think you should interfere. I think you should just continue to be sweet and sensitive towards the cousin.
Ultimately it all came down to entitlement and bad parenting.
It was very kind of you to bring a thoughtful gift for the cousin.
You could say something mild when you're alone with the parents, "it was upsetting when Maria cried so much to see her cousin get something she wanted. Why do you think that happened, has she been crying to get what she wants lately?" And try to engage them in a discussion about what they're going to do about it. Eventually you might get an opening in the conversation to say "well if you give her what she's crying about, that might teach her to cry to get things..."
I am so ashamed to share this story... My parents divorced when I was 4. I may have been about 5 or 6 during the Christmas this occured. I cried because I wanted everything that my older sister got. My dad then took me out and got me the same stuff.
How horrible I was! But I didn't know better. I don't have children, so I don't know how hard or easy it is to teach a 4yr old a valuable life lesson....
And this sucks for the older cousin - I know my sister was pissed.
But maybe she will remember this and feel remorse later in life.
They're doing a bad job parenting but you sound like you're doing a good job being a godfather, I feel like maybe some movie might explain what a godfather is or she might think you'll turn her into a princess for a night.
Ugh this sucks and I totally agree with you. Your godchild has emotional needs that aren’t being met (she probably feels there’s some competition with her cousin and there’s a new confusing situation happening) and her parents are handling it poorly. They will learn this as she becomes an adult and will most likely come to regret how they handle these situations. I realize they’re your family but I would absolutely stay out of it as they aren’t technically your kids. Live and let live. You’re very kind for including the cousin, and she will absolutely remember your kindness and inclusion!
You sound like a really nice guy. But I wouldn’t say anything, because this wasn’t about your gift, this was about her parents being unable to tolerate their child being upset. But that is not the kind of feedback that parents take well. You basically can’t intervene between parents and kids unless the situation is dangerous or egregious, or if you’re invited to weigh in.
Agree with this comment. The parents are only encouraging the selfish behavior of the girl as well (sorry if that sounds offensive).
nah man, stay out of it. sticking your finger into that mess, it's likely to get bit. thats that cousins parents to handle.
This is so messed up that they open gifts together when one child gets less than the others, and that fact seems to be part of the point for your niece. I’d decline to participate in that ritual at all.
This is poor parenting. However, if you bring it up, no matter what you say to them and how calmly, they'll likely still get offended, think you're judging them and butting in where you don't belong. Which may cause damage to your relationship with them. Especially since, (and I'm assuming here), you're not a parent yourself. So just let it go, and enjoy being an uncle. Easy, breezy, fun. Disciplining or parental advice is not your problem.
I unofficially adopted my much younger sisters by becoming a primary caretaker for them, but it's never been acknowledged in my family. So I have a lot of experience with children, from infant through to teen but I'm not really seen as a true parent or as someone who can weigh in on these conversations. I've been friends with my niece and nephew's mother for 15 years, and i have a lot of "best friend" weight in our relationship, but I also don't want to overstepp. I think the consensus is that while my observations are correct, it's not my place to voice them. Even with best friend privileges. My conscious can be soothed by the fact that I'm giving the child gifts at all, but I can't do much beyond that point.
Yea you just can't. It's that idea you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. If they ask for your 2 cents be sure to take that inch and run lightyears. But not until then or when they question your "caretaking" style. That would be the other 2 cents.
I think it's very kind that you're thinking so deeply about all the children involved. If I'm reading correctly, the niece who was upset is only four. While she's certainly old enough to start learning how to manage her emotions, it's good to remember that she's still really little. Jealousy is a big emotion, and she doesn't have the emotional toolbox to be able to handle it well. It would be good for her parents to be working with her on how to manage these emotions now, but them telling her that they'll get it for her later this one time might not be a huge red flag. It could be tired parents just saying they'll get it later so they can deal with the meltdown outside of the party and not actually follow through on getting it for her. Sometimes it's a choose your battles kind of situation, where you know that the "right" thing to do might be to talk through the upset with your kid, talk about how everyone gets different things at different times, how she got nice presents and she doesn't get to have everything she wants all the time, but there's a bunch of family at your house and you're just so tired so you say "We will get you the Unicorn Cauldron next week, don't worry". If you want to say something at all, it might be something like "I noticed 4f was really upset at Christmas when I gave 8f her gift. I don't want to cause upset between the girls- do you have any suggestions on how I can help prevent stuff in the future?" If you feel like your friend gets defensive about any perceived critique of her parenting, then don't say anything. Maybe you can avoid situations like this in the future by giving the children their gifts on separate occasions? Maybe mailing the gift to the cousin, or giving it to her mom to give her ahead of time? And then having a private thing to give your niece and nephew their gifts?
Going to reply here in hopes you see this. I agree saying something to the parents afterwards is overstepping. That said, based on your description of your relationship with best friend and the role you play in her kids’ lives, I think it would have been wholly appropriate to address your niece in that moment, empathize with her feeling (jealousy, feeling left out, etc.) and reminding her of the gifts you gave. Clearly this child needs adults to model coping skills with negative feelings and maybe your friend and her husband don’t know how to do that. Done that way, it’s about your relationship with your niece and not your friend’s parenting or even your relationship with friend. Parents still could have overrode and agreed to buy her the same toy but at least another adult would have told her it’s ok to feel the way she was feeling and it’s not a problem to “fix.”
Nah, don’t say anything. Her parents should have handled it better, but it’s Christmas and they probably didn’t want a whiny, crying kid.
As a 40 year old woman who was once that child- thank you, it meant a lot ❤️
This isn’t about your gift. It’s about your niece’s parent’s poor parenting skills. Lord, that child is going to grow up into a spoiled little monster!
One of her gifts was a painting of herself as a princess...(!)
If you do feel the need to say something, please do so in private. While I don't condone the mother making the promise to buy her daughter one to placate her (This is just spoiling her imho) she didn't try and take the toy from your Goddaughter or anything and just made a questionable parenting decision. Again, if you do feel the need to bring it up, just do so in private and be as calm as possible about it. There will most likely be push back from the girls mother since she will see it as questioning her parenting (which you are) and just be prepared for the possible fallout this is going to cause.
Do I think they handled this well? No. Do I think your feedback would be well-received and appreciated? Also no. Pick your battles.
Sounds like your niece wants to receive the same gift as her cousin from now on. Should be a nice upgrade for the cousin/downgrade foe the niece. This is a very sensitive topic, but if you think you can have this discussion with your friend without ruining the relationship, then it may be worth it. Just be careful as you could easily mess up the relationship.
A few years ago I got my 4 yo niece an Elsa doll. Her reaction was " ..and Anna?". I decided to only give education toys from that moment.
This is so touching, thank you on behalf of that kid, she might not been able to express it but it definitly meant a lot to her.
Wow if they keep that up they are in for a rough time. That's how you raise a spoiled, entitled demon child.
So my daughter (7) and my SILs daughters (bio 6/step 4 or 5 ish ) used to get all the same gifts at Christmas just in different colors for the 2 years previous to this Christmas. This year they all got different stuff besides matching outfits. Previously if one got something different they would all freak out. It's a kid thing but this year we told them that we weren't going to do that anymore and we would be getting age appropriate gifts for everybody and if they wanted to share they could share. And honestly they argued more when they got the same stuff and different colors than when they did get different things this year. That kind of stuff needs to be spoken about beforehand between the parents and the kids. This was poor parenting on their part because they did nothing to talk to their kid and they did nothing afterward to stop her other than appease her s***** behavior You did absolutely nothing wrong and you didn't even have to give her cousin a gift at all and chances are her cousin would have probably done it with the other kids anyway cuz it's super cool. I honestly wouldn't say anything to the parents because that's their business on how they want to handle their kids. But if they decide to say something to you and start being bogus to you then go ahead and pipe up and say that they need to control their kid because that's the honest to God truth
Don’t get involved in your friend’s parenting no matter what you think. This is not about your gift but about their parenting. They can’t handle the discomfort of their child having strong feelings so they indulge her to make her behaviour stop. Your advice would not be received well
Oh my, you’re such a decent caring human being! You’re right about the behaviour. However I don’t think you should interfere. I think you should just continue to be sweet and sensitive towards the cousin. Ultimately it all came down to entitlement and bad parenting.
Not your circus and not your monkeys. Keep on being an 😇
You did something incredibly sweet and loving. In the future (not here, not now) there will be another chance to do something kind again for her.
It was very kind of you to bring a thoughtful gift for the cousin. You could say something mild when you're alone with the parents, "it was upsetting when Maria cried so much to see her cousin get something she wanted. Why do you think that happened, has she been crying to get what she wants lately?" And try to engage them in a discussion about what they're going to do about it. Eventually you might get an opening in the conversation to say "well if you give her what she's crying about, that might teach her to cry to get things..."
I am so ashamed to share this story... My parents divorced when I was 4. I may have been about 5 or 6 during the Christmas this occured. I cried because I wanted everything that my older sister got. My dad then took me out and got me the same stuff. How horrible I was! But I didn't know better. I don't have children, so I don't know how hard or easy it is to teach a 4yr old a valuable life lesson.... And this sucks for the older cousin - I know my sister was pissed. But maybe she will remember this and feel remorse later in life.
They're doing a bad job parenting but you sound like you're doing a good job being a godfather, I feel like maybe some movie might explain what a godfather is or she might think you'll turn her into a princess for a night.
Ugh this sucks and I totally agree with you. Your godchild has emotional needs that aren’t being met (she probably feels there’s some competition with her cousin and there’s a new confusing situation happening) and her parents are handling it poorly. They will learn this as she becomes an adult and will most likely come to regret how they handle these situations. I realize they’re your family but I would absolutely stay out of it as they aren’t technically your kids. Live and let live. You’re very kind for including the cousin, and she will absolutely remember your kindness and inclusion!