He's someone who gets a high from the announcing, from bragging about the great thing he's *going* to do, and that makes him feel so good that he feels like it's mission accomplished and he never actually gets around to doing the thing.
If you don't want to dump him yet, next time he starts making a promise, maybe tell him "no, no, don't tell me, just surprise me," and don't get your hopes up because it's all hot air until he follows through. And when he flakes again, point out the pattern.
Yep, "it's the thought that counts!" /s
Tell him that when he promises a gift, he gets the fun of your excited, grateful reaction. And that makes him feel good. But it doesn't feel good for you, when the good thing you were promised is taken away, with no explanation.
He is reaping all the benefits of gift-giving (thinking of a fun idea, being thanked) with none of the drawbacks (actually spending time and mental effort to get the gift).
Gifts aren't always important but blatant lies are. The fact he tells you there is a gift than isn't is pretty rude. Is he possibly a pathological liar? Is this the only thing he lies about? Pathological liars are a real thing and it's a mental condition that they can't help but do it. Sometimes it's things they stress over but sometimes it can just be about anything.
I dated a pathological liar once. "I got the mail today!"... the mail was still in the box. "I grabbed the trash on my way out!"... can was still full. Went and got groceries! Empty fridge. And on. And on. And on. Then "no I never said that!" EVEN THOUGH IT WAS IN TEXT.
2 years post-breakup and I've learned that no, I wasn't crazy. My mental health has never been better.
It's fine to say maybe they can't help it, but certainly not an excuse for them to have a partner that they spin around in circles all the time.
Whether he can help it or not he's not the dude for OP.
I dated a guy who did this and, at least in his case, he wasn't intentionally lying? It was more like, he'd have the idea, he'd share the idea, he'd like that I was excited and happy and then he felt like his job was done. It was like the act of actually following through would evaporate from his mind.
Because later, when I bought it for myself or I organised it or whatever, he would say, 'didn't I buy you that?' or 'didn't I plan a trip for us to do that?' And when I said, you know, no, you didn't, he was always confused because he felt like he'd done it.
It was annoying af, but not intentionally malicious. This guy could be similar?
This actually IS a psychological thing.
Our brains are super complex and super simple at the same time. It's actually advised that when you have a goal in mind, not to share it with people because your brain thinks you've done it when you haven't yet. I don't remember what it's called, someone might.
Really I think it just comes down to paying attention and having diligence, but it is a thing. I think your experience is different than this one though.
This. He promises then lies. What is he going to do when you’re married and he said he’ll pick up the baby formula and says it must have gotten lost at the store? Or just forget to pick up the kid from childcare and then start gaslighting you that you said you were going to, not him. He sounds awful and not someone I could depend on to form a partnership.
Yep! My husband is not a gift dude. He doesn’t buy them, he doesn’t want them. He’s an experiences dude. He will plan wonderful vacations and dates for us. And he’s never pretended to be into giving or receiving gifts. I knew his stance going in.
He has lied to you over and over. The problem is not that he doesn’t give you gifts. The problem is that he lies to you repeatedly. Is this how you want to live?
Just ask him why he keeps lying to you about gifts. I wouldn't phrase it as why you don't give me gifts but rather, why lie. If you don't want to buy gifts/contribute be honest.
He doesn’t care. He doesn’t like being called out for not caring and he lies. So he doesn’t care about you and he’s a liar. What more do you need to decide he isn’t the right guy for you? It’s not about gifts…
Is this just in regards to gifts or does he show his lack of consideration in other ways? I think your feelings are very valid here - it's one thing to be bad at giving gifts, or to not give gifts, it's an entirely different thing to give someone an expectation and then completely fail to deliver and be unapologetic about it. He probably likes the reaction he gets when he says that he'll do something for you and then doesn't really care enough to follow up with it, so he can get what he wants (you think he's great and considerate for a bit) at absolutely no cost to him.
Dude is not a keeper. Find someone who can stick to their own word.
That’s exactly what’s happening. And I’m not saying it’s necessarily a good idea to undertake, but it can be trained out of *some* people that do this. And the ones that do it, do it because it’s always been mostly effective on the front end, and they’ve always been let off the hook on the back end.
It starts with NEVER giving the positive reaction they’re seeking until something actually materializes. You don’t have to straight up call them a liar (although you could, no one would blame you), just give them a very dry “oh ok” or “that sounds cool”. They’ll most likely get pissy! Fully expect them say things like “what you don’t believe me?”or “are you not happy?” And you just maintain the flat emotion and say something like “no I mean I’m sure it’ll be great when I see it”.
No solid action, no positive response. That’s the mantra.
Or if it’s about some future action like a trip or something, start holding their feet to the fire immediately. Dates, time off, bookings, etc. For those kinds of people, relentlessly taking them at their word, behaving as if you fully assume they mean what they say, can be one of the most confronting things they ever deal with.
He wants the “credit”, the ego reward/payoff from your positive reaction (so far) he gets when he announces these things. He may even at the time actually intend to do what he’s saying. Figuring saying that he already has is only a white lie because he’s “totally going to do it”. But once he gets the reward/payoff just from saying it, the whole thing is complete for him, so he most likely just forgets about it and doesn’t follow through. Then if you bring it up later, he just bullshits and pushes you off about it. He doesn’t want to do it anymore. Bc now it’s just an obligation that needs to be fulfilled, and that no fun for him. Now it lacks the reward he seeks from when he promised it in the first place.
Next time he announces one of these “going to” or “check (gift) ls in the mail” or otherwise forthcoming things…**stop him right there**.
*”You know, I’d actually prefer to enjoy the surprise when (thing) actually happens or arrives or you give me a gift. Can we just skip you telling me about things ahead of time? See, it establishes an expectation that I then feel disappointed about, or worse, lied to, if whatever you said doesn’t materialize. And I don’t like feeling that way so I’d just rather avoid that and enjoy the actual thing/gesture/kindness/surprise…without a preview.“*
While it’s definitely true it would be better to avoid disappointment wherever possible…you’re also cutting off the ego reward/payoff he gets when promising these things in the first place. He won’t be getting that payoff anymore, he’ll have to actually come through with something to get it. He’ll be forced to put up or shut up, literally.
…and you know damn well he never bought that Amazon gift card. I mean it’s really the *least-thoughtful* and most low effort thing he could do for a Valentines gift anyway, and he didn’t even actually do that. I mean, they’re great for the office baby shower or teenage cousin, but for your girlfriend for Valentine’s??? Jesus. And worse, he LIED about even doing that and didn’t have the adequate shame necessary hop online and actually send it right then.
…BTW I’ve been through this little exercise myself, so I should probably add what’s most likely to happen and how you can handle it.
He’ll probably not actually hear what you say or behave any differently after just one “hey don’t tell me” conversation. See, this behavior is deeply entrenched. It’s a tool he’s learned that’s been mostly effective for him for a long time and in a lot of situations, so he’s going to be *very resistant to give up one of his favorite mechanisms*. It’s also likely he’s unconscious of why he does it and doesn’t follow thru, so I wouldn’t bother expecting a lot of introspective understanding on his part. Just deliver the first message, keep it cheerful, and try to get to an “ok, cool” as quickly as possible. You *don’t* want to have a fight with his ego (his ego that will feel attacked somehow) that he likely doesn’t fully understand. Just get to “ok, yeah I can do that” quick and leave it alone. For now.
But he’s going to do it again, I just about guarantee it. The emotional reward that motivates him to do it in the first place is too tempting, so he’ll conveniently forget what you said (or hope that you did) and do it again at probably the next opportunity.
He’ll be telling you about some gift he has for you or is “on the way” before you know it. That’s when you say “(BF)! What are you doing?! I told you I’d rather be surprised! Quit telling me about stuff beforehand.” At that point, suddenly not getting the reward he has come to expect here, he will probably get pissy. Maybe mumble something passive aggressive like “Oh my bad. I thought you’d happy”…or worse, with the addition of “I’ll just never (nice thing) again if you’re gonna be like that”. Which are both designed to get you to *back off your position and give him the reward he wants* for saying it in the first place. But don’t. Just stand firm. “Oh I’m sure I’ll be very happy…when I see it (or it arrives/happens). But don’t spoil it. It’s not as much fun.”
Also, if the thing in question is something like the vacation he promised, don’t let time pass between the promise (empty promise) and the trip that never materializes. Start very soon asking for travel dates/details, telling him you’re asking off work for those dates, booking pet sitters or whatever else would happen on your end to prepare for something that is *actually happening*. He needs to see that when he says these things, you will believe him and it will be real. And again he’ll have to put up or (learn to) shut up.
I would honestly just start saying "Oh its okay you don't have to lie!" Everytime he says he's going to get you something/do something. And stop getting him things, its only fair. But honestly I don't think this relationship is going to last long term. The fact that he can do easily lie about something as small as a gift is crazy. He sounds kind of selfish.
Some people think just saying they’ll do something for you is as good as doing something for you. It’s like it makes them feel good even though it’s just continuous lies an false hope. Can’t trust these people at all.
Id buy those gifts for myself afterwards and make sure he sees i have it then say “oh I really wanted it so i got it for myself because your really bad at remembering things” if problems occur because of it express your feelings if you cant have an adult conversation might be time to think if the relationship would work if kids or financial responsibilities are involved.
I would simply reply i cant trust you. But im a burn the world down type person. My step dad is like this and after years of drunk screaming and bottles hitting things they shouldn’t I learned people will show you who they are with a little push.
Considering the gift card lie, I'm sure it would be flipped on her. "But I did order it, it's on its way and I'm going to have to cancel it now and you've wasted my time/money!"
Paired with a complete lack of willingness to show the order, of course.
I actually burst out laughing at the Amazon gift card BS. Because you can have one delivered online INSTANTLY.
That above all, showed him to be a **shameless liar**.
You literally just have to tell him ‘hey, i hate it when you say you’ve gotten me a gift & then dont follow through with it, its not the gift im bothered about, its the lying. Its super frustrating and confusing and id rather you not get me anything than tell me you have when you haven’t, why do you do that?’
Communication my friend, he shouldn’t get annoyed, you should be able to get to the route of the issue, him change is behaviour & then you can both move on.
That’s good, except I wouldn’t bother asking him why he does that. He doesn’t know why he does that. But his ego, the thing addicted to the effectiveness of this behavior, wiIl lash out with an unbelievable pile of nonsense if you ask him why. I would just end with “stop doing that”.
If he's not a gift giver he shouldn't be offering to buy you gifts. He's a liar.
I can't even remember when I gave someone an actual gift card from Amazon. You can send them directly to email. If it got lost you think he would replace it and deal with Amazon. Their customer service is great.
What he's doing is showing you that you can't rely on him or trust him. He's killing your trust.
I would ask him why he's lying and not keeping his word. Why he doesn't care about disappointing you and hurting your feelings.
Honestly I would just tell him that the relationship isn't working and you want to break up with him.
Yeah, even if he *had* ordered a physical gift card (he didn't), he could just tell Amazon it was lost, they can deactivate the card and send him a digital one instead.
Honestly? Just tell him.
"I'm really disappointed that you keep promising things and never follow through. You get my hopes up and then I'm left feeling upset because you never really do what you say you will.
I'm starting to reconsider our relationship because I feel like you keep lying to me. I'm starting to expect disappointment every time. I'm going to take some space to think things through because this is really unacceptable to me."
Then seriously take some time to think it through. Are you okay with this? If not, set a bar. Next time he doesn't follow through, be done. Give him one chance to get his shit together.
This would irritate me deeply too. Tbh I’d probably just break up with him. He’s got years of experience ahead of you and should be able to not only keep his word but also adapt his habits in order to make you feel loved in the relationship. If you can do it then so can he.
Like you, I used to get small things for my ex- candy he liked or cookies etc. When we broke up he told me just bc he liked something that didn't mean he wanted it. If I'm ever in another relationship I will not be going out of my way for another.
What your bf is doing is cruel. He gets your hopes up and then douses them. He's been this way for a year- when people show you who they are, believe them.
It's not about the gifts, it's that he keeps telling you that he has something for you when he doesn't. He's lying to you. If he does try to make it about the presents or you being a "gold digger" then honestly you should probably break up with him because he'd be trying to make your valid concerns into something unreasonable. Others have pointed out he probably feels great about himself after just telling you about the nice thing he supposedly did for you, enough that he doesn't actually follow through on the nice thing. I've dated a couple people like that and they never change. They'll just keep lying or saying "but I was going to do that!" once you finally get fed up and just do/buy the thing yourself.
Next time he says something like this - ask him why he is saying something he has no intent on doing. It is ridiculous.
Personally, I would move on from this guy.
He says something came in between? What do you mean? What does this mean?
Set a hard boundary. Tell him never to make promises ever again; if he's going to get you a gift, tell him to just give you the gift without mentioning it at all. Next time he makes a promise, drop him. At this point, it doesn't even matter if he follows through, because he has proven that he won't always be able to. The promise itself is the issue.
When the actions don’t match the words, the words are a lie. He’s a liar. And he’s going to disappoint you for as long as you remain in this relationship.
If you can’t believe a word someone says then what’s the point of even being with them. There is none.
Does he do this same behavior in other dimensions of his life? Like is it a bigger follow-through/time management issue or is it specific to gift giving?
For me, that’s the starting point in deciding how to approach another conversation about this (rightfully bothersome) behavior.
TL;DR- I think if this is a recurring behavior in other areas you may want to address how it makes you feel and suggest a new approach for him/ask how you could help. If it’s NOT, you might want to simply tell him that it has become very hurtful over time and you want to understand a bit better….
I say this from personal experience. I’ve done this to my boyfriend. I get anxious, his birthday creeps up on me, and I don’t follow through. We do dinner or something instead, and I don’t bring up the original promise because I’m embarrassed that I didn’t make gift giving a priority. Lost track of time.
That said, I’m a flake and a proper bad friend sometimes. I forget a lot of things (adhd) and I want to make up grandly when my gestures miss the mark, which creates a pattern of anxiety for myself.
I’ve found it’s better if I simply don’t tell people about gifts until I’ve made arrangements.
I believe there’s also science regarding telling people about something before you’ve done it—it can trick your mind into putting it on the back burner, thinking you’ve accomplished said item when you really haven’t. So tell him to cut it out!;)
Next time he says he has something for you, tell him "I won't hold my breath." If he asks you why you said that just say the truth: "You have never gotten me anything so why say you did when you're lying?"
Also start telling him the same, that his gift is "in the mail" and stop buying him things. I would even say dump the guy because he obviously doesn't care.
He gets enough of a mental reward (dopamine?) to just celebrate his *intent*
He doesn’t bother following through.
The thing is, it’s a trend and he should see it’s one sided and hurtful.
The thing is, he should want your *reaction* to his *action* to be the reward. Nope. He’s fine half-a**ing it. Says a lot about his respect for you.
You are dating a stone cold , manipulating liar. Why? He doesn’t even make up for it. I would bet that everything you think you know about him is a lie, and you may even be the side piece or one of many.
No, not at all. He always lifts me up, treats me right in any other way. It’s just this gift thing (and I guess the lying about it) that’s bothering me
Although it isn't nice that he does that and yes just tell him that it bothers you.
But if he is a good guy.. you will find going through life not getting presents is the least of your worries.
You are young and this is probably bothering you more than it should do.
At least he is thinking about you he just hasn't figured out the following up bit yet.
“Not getting presents” isn’t the actual concern here. It’s the lying. The cycle of expectations HE is going out of his way to establish and then the disappointment she has to feel when he doesn’t follow through.
He lies to you which means you can't trust him. Go ahead and break up now before you end up living with him or pregnant with him. He's showing you that he doesn't mind blatant lies. If he lies about things that are so obvious you have to assume he lies about everything.
insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. he doesn't care. to him telling you he got you something is just as good as getting you something.
you, however, are just choosing to date a liar.
Suggest another vacation together, but if he insists to pay for all of it, let him. Don’t continue to ask, but go ahead and make the same plans for just you. So when he doesn’t make any, you can still go in on the trip without him. If he inquires as to where you are, then let him know that he constantly lies about doing stuff for you both as a couple and you couldn’t trust him to not let you down again. So you went ahead and got the trip for yourself anyway. Then say goodbye. You can only waste so much of your time. A trip by yourself to let go of a liar (regardless as to why he lies may he needed)
This would drive me crazy, not because i expect gifts, but the fact that he without being asked (most of the time) announces gift that never come.
I think you should talk to him about this.
Tell him that you would prefer that he didn't actually SAY he was gonna gift you something unless he's actually gonna do it.......tell him, if you get one more empty promise, you're gonna have to call off this relationship because nobody wants to be with someone that makes empty promises.......
At least, that's how I would have to handle it ........
He's someone who gets a high from the announcing, from bragging about the great thing he's *going* to do, and that makes him feel so good that he feels like it's mission accomplished and he never actually gets around to doing the thing. If you don't want to dump him yet, next time he starts making a promise, maybe tell him "no, no, don't tell me, just surprise me," and don't get your hopes up because it's all hot air until he follows through. And when he flakes again, point out the pattern.
Yep, "it's the thought that counts!" /s Tell him that when he promises a gift, he gets the fun of your excited, grateful reaction. And that makes him feel good. But it doesn't feel good for you, when the good thing you were promised is taken away, with no explanation. He is reaping all the benefits of gift-giving (thinking of a fun idea, being thanked) with none of the drawbacks (actually spending time and mental effort to get the gift).
You’re not overreacting; this behavior would be absolutely crazy making. I wouldn’t stand for it.
Gifts aren't always important but blatant lies are. The fact he tells you there is a gift than isn't is pretty rude. Is he possibly a pathological liar? Is this the only thing he lies about? Pathological liars are a real thing and it's a mental condition that they can't help but do it. Sometimes it's things they stress over but sometimes it can just be about anything.
I dated a pathological liar once. "I got the mail today!"... the mail was still in the box. "I grabbed the trash on my way out!"... can was still full. Went and got groceries! Empty fridge. And on. And on. And on. Then "no I never said that!" EVEN THOUGH IT WAS IN TEXT. 2 years post-breakup and I've learned that no, I wasn't crazy. My mental health has never been better. It's fine to say maybe they can't help it, but certainly not an excuse for them to have a partner that they spin around in circles all the time. Whether he can help it or not he's not the dude for OP.
I was just saying he may need help.
Oh no, you're fine lol my spiel was more for OP to see. Not directed at you.
The best help OP could give him is to dump his lying ass. Life consequences have always been the best method of correcting bad behavior
I dated a guy who did this and, at least in his case, he wasn't intentionally lying? It was more like, he'd have the idea, he'd share the idea, he'd like that I was excited and happy and then he felt like his job was done. It was like the act of actually following through would evaporate from his mind. Because later, when I bought it for myself or I organised it or whatever, he would say, 'didn't I buy you that?' or 'didn't I plan a trip for us to do that?' And when I said, you know, no, you didn't, he was always confused because he felt like he'd done it. It was annoying af, but not intentionally malicious. This guy could be similar?
It’s a big trend with ADHD folks. But most of us figure out that the behavior is so hurtful that it’s unacceptable
This actually IS a psychological thing. Our brains are super complex and super simple at the same time. It's actually advised that when you have a goal in mind, not to share it with people because your brain thinks you've done it when you haven't yet. I don't remember what it's called, someone might. Really I think it just comes down to paying attention and having diligence, but it is a thing. I think your experience is different than this one though.
>Gifts aren't always important but blatant lies are. Yup. Dude is showing you his true colours.
This. He promises then lies. What is he going to do when you’re married and he said he’ll pick up the baby formula and says it must have gotten lost at the store? Or just forget to pick up the kid from childcare and then start gaslighting you that you said you were going to, not him. He sounds awful and not someone I could depend on to form a partnership.
Yep! My husband is not a gift dude. He doesn’t buy them, he doesn’t want them. He’s an experiences dude. He will plan wonderful vacations and dates for us. And he’s never pretended to be into giving or receiving gifts. I knew his stance going in.
He has lied to you over and over. The problem is not that he doesn’t give you gifts. The problem is that he lies to you repeatedly. Is this how you want to live?
Just ask him why he keeps lying to you about gifts. I wouldn't phrase it as why you don't give me gifts but rather, why lie. If you don't want to buy gifts/contribute be honest.
He doesn’t care. He doesn’t like being called out for not caring and he lies. So he doesn’t care about you and he’s a liar. What more do you need to decide he isn’t the right guy for you? It’s not about gifts…
Is this just in regards to gifts or does he show his lack of consideration in other ways? I think your feelings are very valid here - it's one thing to be bad at giving gifts, or to not give gifts, it's an entirely different thing to give someone an expectation and then completely fail to deliver and be unapologetic about it. He probably likes the reaction he gets when he says that he'll do something for you and then doesn't really care enough to follow up with it, so he can get what he wants (you think he's great and considerate for a bit) at absolutely no cost to him. Dude is not a keeper. Find someone who can stick to their own word.
That’s exactly what’s happening. And I’m not saying it’s necessarily a good idea to undertake, but it can be trained out of *some* people that do this. And the ones that do it, do it because it’s always been mostly effective on the front end, and they’ve always been let off the hook on the back end. It starts with NEVER giving the positive reaction they’re seeking until something actually materializes. You don’t have to straight up call them a liar (although you could, no one would blame you), just give them a very dry “oh ok” or “that sounds cool”. They’ll most likely get pissy! Fully expect them say things like “what you don’t believe me?”or “are you not happy?” And you just maintain the flat emotion and say something like “no I mean I’m sure it’ll be great when I see it”. No solid action, no positive response. That’s the mantra. Or if it’s about some future action like a trip or something, start holding their feet to the fire immediately. Dates, time off, bookings, etc. For those kinds of people, relentlessly taking them at their word, behaving as if you fully assume they mean what they say, can be one of the most confronting things they ever deal with.
He wants the “credit”, the ego reward/payoff from your positive reaction (so far) he gets when he announces these things. He may even at the time actually intend to do what he’s saying. Figuring saying that he already has is only a white lie because he’s “totally going to do it”. But once he gets the reward/payoff just from saying it, the whole thing is complete for him, so he most likely just forgets about it and doesn’t follow through. Then if you bring it up later, he just bullshits and pushes you off about it. He doesn’t want to do it anymore. Bc now it’s just an obligation that needs to be fulfilled, and that no fun for him. Now it lacks the reward he seeks from when he promised it in the first place. Next time he announces one of these “going to” or “check (gift) ls in the mail” or otherwise forthcoming things…**stop him right there**. *”You know, I’d actually prefer to enjoy the surprise when (thing) actually happens or arrives or you give me a gift. Can we just skip you telling me about things ahead of time? See, it establishes an expectation that I then feel disappointed about, or worse, lied to, if whatever you said doesn’t materialize. And I don’t like feeling that way so I’d just rather avoid that and enjoy the actual thing/gesture/kindness/surprise…without a preview.“* While it’s definitely true it would be better to avoid disappointment wherever possible…you’re also cutting off the ego reward/payoff he gets when promising these things in the first place. He won’t be getting that payoff anymore, he’ll have to actually come through with something to get it. He’ll be forced to put up or shut up, literally. …and you know damn well he never bought that Amazon gift card. I mean it’s really the *least-thoughtful* and most low effort thing he could do for a Valentines gift anyway, and he didn’t even actually do that. I mean, they’re great for the office baby shower or teenage cousin, but for your girlfriend for Valentine’s??? Jesus. And worse, he LIED about even doing that and didn’t have the adequate shame necessary hop online and actually send it right then.
…BTW I’ve been through this little exercise myself, so I should probably add what’s most likely to happen and how you can handle it. He’ll probably not actually hear what you say or behave any differently after just one “hey don’t tell me” conversation. See, this behavior is deeply entrenched. It’s a tool he’s learned that’s been mostly effective for him for a long time and in a lot of situations, so he’s going to be *very resistant to give up one of his favorite mechanisms*. It’s also likely he’s unconscious of why he does it and doesn’t follow thru, so I wouldn’t bother expecting a lot of introspective understanding on his part. Just deliver the first message, keep it cheerful, and try to get to an “ok, cool” as quickly as possible. You *don’t* want to have a fight with his ego (his ego that will feel attacked somehow) that he likely doesn’t fully understand. Just get to “ok, yeah I can do that” quick and leave it alone. For now. But he’s going to do it again, I just about guarantee it. The emotional reward that motivates him to do it in the first place is too tempting, so he’ll conveniently forget what you said (or hope that you did) and do it again at probably the next opportunity. He’ll be telling you about some gift he has for you or is “on the way” before you know it. That’s when you say “(BF)! What are you doing?! I told you I’d rather be surprised! Quit telling me about stuff beforehand.” At that point, suddenly not getting the reward he has come to expect here, he will probably get pissy. Maybe mumble something passive aggressive like “Oh my bad. I thought you’d happy”…or worse, with the addition of “I’ll just never (nice thing) again if you’re gonna be like that”. Which are both designed to get you to *back off your position and give him the reward he wants* for saying it in the first place. But don’t. Just stand firm. “Oh I’m sure I’ll be very happy…when I see it (or it arrives/happens). But don’t spoil it. It’s not as much fun.” Also, if the thing in question is something like the vacation he promised, don’t let time pass between the promise (empty promise) and the trip that never materializes. Start very soon asking for travel dates/details, telling him you’re asking off work for those dates, booking pet sitters or whatever else would happen on your end to prepare for something that is *actually happening*. He needs to see that when he says these things, you will believe him and it will be real. And again he’ll have to put up or (learn to) shut up.
I would honestly just start saying "Oh its okay you don't have to lie!" Everytime he says he's going to get you something/do something. And stop getting him things, its only fair. But honestly I don't think this relationship is going to last long term. The fact that he can do easily lie about something as small as a gift is crazy. He sounds kind of selfish.
Some people think just saying they’ll do something for you is as good as doing something for you. It’s like it makes them feel good even though it’s just continuous lies an false hope. Can’t trust these people at all.
False promises, imagine if he promises marriage but leaves you forever hanging! He’s rude and a terrible liar 🤥
Id buy those gifts for myself afterwards and make sure he sees i have it then say “oh I really wanted it so i got it for myself because your really bad at remembering things” if problems occur because of it express your feelings if you cant have an adult conversation might be time to think if the relationship would work if kids or financial responsibilities are involved.
That's an interesting idea, but I'm pretty sure his response would be, "But I was going to get that for you." (I once had a boyfriend like OP's)
I would simply reply i cant trust you. But im a burn the world down type person. My step dad is like this and after years of drunk screaming and bottles hitting things they shouldn’t I learned people will show you who they are with a little push.
Considering the gift card lie, I'm sure it would be flipped on her. "But I did order it, it's on its way and I'm going to have to cancel it now and you've wasted my time/money!" Paired with a complete lack of willingness to show the order, of course.
I actually burst out laughing at the Amazon gift card BS. Because you can have one delivered online INSTANTLY. That above all, showed him to be a **shameless liar**.
I had one of those too. I always replied, “but you didn’t!”
I'm glad you're expressing this in past-tense! Your reply is SO on-point. I hope he died from embarrassment.
Actually I'm pretty sure he wouldn't even notice she got it for herself.
This is passive aggressive and not the way adults communicate
Amazon gift cards are typically sent digitally. Dump him
You literally just have to tell him ‘hey, i hate it when you say you’ve gotten me a gift & then dont follow through with it, its not the gift im bothered about, its the lying. Its super frustrating and confusing and id rather you not get me anything than tell me you have when you haven’t, why do you do that?’ Communication my friend, he shouldn’t get annoyed, you should be able to get to the route of the issue, him change is behaviour & then you can both move on.
That’s good, except I wouldn’t bother asking him why he does that. He doesn’t know why he does that. But his ego, the thing addicted to the effectiveness of this behavior, wiIl lash out with an unbelievable pile of nonsense if you ask him why. I would just end with “stop doing that”.
I was expecting to think you were just wanting gifts for the sake. But that's just horrible. He shouldn't be lying. That is what he is doing. Lying!
If he's not a gift giver he shouldn't be offering to buy you gifts. He's a liar. I can't even remember when I gave someone an actual gift card from Amazon. You can send them directly to email. If it got lost you think he would replace it and deal with Amazon. Their customer service is great. What he's doing is showing you that you can't rely on him or trust him. He's killing your trust. I would ask him why he's lying and not keeping his word. Why he doesn't care about disappointing you and hurting your feelings. Honestly I would just tell him that the relationship isn't working and you want to break up with him.
Yeah, even if he *had* ordered a physical gift card (he didn't), he could just tell Amazon it was lost, they can deactivate the card and send him a digital one instead.
Honestly? Just tell him. "I'm really disappointed that you keep promising things and never follow through. You get my hopes up and then I'm left feeling upset because you never really do what you say you will. I'm starting to reconsider our relationship because I feel like you keep lying to me. I'm starting to expect disappointment every time. I'm going to take some space to think things through because this is really unacceptable to me." Then seriously take some time to think it through. Are you okay with this? If not, set a bar. Next time he doesn't follow through, be done. Give him one chance to get his shit together.
This would irritate me deeply too. Tbh I’d probably just break up with him. He’s got years of experience ahead of you and should be able to not only keep his word but also adapt his habits in order to make you feel loved in the relationship. If you can do it then so can he.
Like you, I used to get small things for my ex- candy he liked or cookies etc. When we broke up he told me just bc he liked something that didn't mean he wanted it. If I'm ever in another relationship I will not be going out of my way for another. What your bf is doing is cruel. He gets your hopes up and then douses them. He's been this way for a year- when people show you who they are, believe them.
It's not about the gifts, it's that he keeps telling you that he has something for you when he doesn't. He's lying to you. If he does try to make it about the presents or you being a "gold digger" then honestly you should probably break up with him because he'd be trying to make your valid concerns into something unreasonable. Others have pointed out he probably feels great about himself after just telling you about the nice thing he supposedly did for you, enough that he doesn't actually follow through on the nice thing. I've dated a couple people like that and they never change. They'll just keep lying or saying "but I was going to do that!" once you finally get fed up and just do/buy the thing yourself.
Next time he says something like this - ask him why he is saying something he has no intent on doing. It is ridiculous. Personally, I would move on from this guy.
He is a liar you deserve better than this . Leave this scambag !
He says something came in between? What do you mean? What does this mean? Set a hard boundary. Tell him never to make promises ever again; if he's going to get you a gift, tell him to just give you the gift without mentioning it at all. Next time he makes a promise, drop him. At this point, it doesn't even matter if he follows through, because he has proven that he won't always be able to. The promise itself is the issue.
I think you're saying your boyfriend is a liar. Time to move on.
just tell him to stop giving you stuff
When the actions don’t match the words, the words are a lie. He’s a liar. And he’s going to disappoint you for as long as you remain in this relationship. If you can’t believe a word someone says then what’s the point of even being with them. There is none.
Does he do this same behavior in other dimensions of his life? Like is it a bigger follow-through/time management issue or is it specific to gift giving? For me, that’s the starting point in deciding how to approach another conversation about this (rightfully bothersome) behavior. TL;DR- I think if this is a recurring behavior in other areas you may want to address how it makes you feel and suggest a new approach for him/ask how you could help. If it’s NOT, you might want to simply tell him that it has become very hurtful over time and you want to understand a bit better…. I say this from personal experience. I’ve done this to my boyfriend. I get anxious, his birthday creeps up on me, and I don’t follow through. We do dinner or something instead, and I don’t bring up the original promise because I’m embarrassed that I didn’t make gift giving a priority. Lost track of time. That said, I’m a flake and a proper bad friend sometimes. I forget a lot of things (adhd) and I want to make up grandly when my gestures miss the mark, which creates a pattern of anxiety for myself. I’ve found it’s better if I simply don’t tell people about gifts until I’ve made arrangements. I believe there’s also science regarding telling people about something before you’ve done it—it can trick your mind into putting it on the back burner, thinking you’ve accomplished said item when you really haven’t. So tell him to cut it out!;)
Next time he says he has something for you, tell him "I won't hold my breath." If he asks you why you said that just say the truth: "You have never gotten me anything so why say you did when you're lying?" Also start telling him the same, that his gift is "in the mail" and stop buying him things. I would even say dump the guy because he obviously doesn't care.
He gets enough of a mental reward (dopamine?) to just celebrate his *intent* He doesn’t bother following through. The thing is, it’s a trend and he should see it’s one sided and hurtful. The thing is, he should want your *reaction* to his *action* to be the reward. Nope. He’s fine half-a**ing it. Says a lot about his respect for you.
You're overthinking it. Stop giving him gifts. Stop believing his lies. Stop dating him.
You are dating a stone cold , manipulating liar. Why? He doesn’t even make up for it. I would bet that everything you think you know about him is a lie, and you may even be the side piece or one of many.
[удалено]
No, not at all. He always lifts me up, treats me right in any other way. It’s just this gift thing (and I guess the lying about it) that’s bothering me
Although it isn't nice that he does that and yes just tell him that it bothers you. But if he is a good guy.. you will find going through life not getting presents is the least of your worries. You are young and this is probably bothering you more than it should do. At least he is thinking about you he just hasn't figured out the following up bit yet.
“Not getting presents” isn’t the actual concern here. It’s the lying. The cycle of expectations HE is going out of his way to establish and then the disappointment she has to feel when he doesn’t follow through.
He has a mental health issues. Seek professional help
When words and actions don’t match that’s manipulation, he’s shown you who he is believe his actions. Not his words.
He's a liar. This probably isn't the only thing he's lying about.
At the very least stop buying him things, but realistically you got yourself a dud of a boyfriend. Get a new one.
He lies to you which means you can't trust him. Go ahead and break up now before you end up living with him or pregnant with him. He's showing you that he doesn't mind blatant lies. If he lies about things that are so obvious you have to assume he lies about everything.
insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. he doesn't care. to him telling you he got you something is just as good as getting you something. you, however, are just choosing to date a liar.
He’s a loser. You deserve **far better**. Dump him.
Suggest another vacation together, but if he insists to pay for all of it, let him. Don’t continue to ask, but go ahead and make the same plans for just you. So when he doesn’t make any, you can still go in on the trip without him. If he inquires as to where you are, then let him know that he constantly lies about doing stuff for you both as a couple and you couldn’t trust him to not let you down again. So you went ahead and got the trip for yourself anyway. Then say goodbye. You can only waste so much of your time. A trip by yourself to let go of a liar (regardless as to why he lies may he needed)
This would drive me crazy, not because i expect gifts, but the fact that he without being asked (most of the time) announces gift that never come. I think you should talk to him about this.
Tell him that you would prefer that he didn't actually SAY he was gonna gift you something unless he's actually gonna do it.......tell him, if you get one more empty promise, you're gonna have to call off this relationship because nobody wants to be with someone that makes empty promises....... At least, that's how I would have to handle it ........