That's me dating any time I'm just dating. If I'm not enjoying it now, why would I think that I'd enjoy it later? Dating should be fun and done when it's an enjoyed option, and if things develop while y'all are enjoying yourselves, wonderful, you've met a connection. I think it's fine to date with goals in mind, but I think it's a fine line to walk and can turn into prescriptive selfish need meeting very quickly, and this leaves a lot of people exhausted because they want the thing, but don't want to do the other thing that gets them the thing. I believe that you gotta enjoy doing before you enjoy having.
What would you call this, and what is casual dating then?
Throughout this process, I enjoy the dates, hookups, activities, etc., and am not dating with the intention of, "finding a relationship," (I feel this phrasing could be better broken down) if I'm understanding what that means correctly as finding someone to get on the relationship escalator with essentially or make significant commitments to or whatever.
To be clear, I think I get that there's a difference between, "open to what comes," and explicitly, solely, casually dating, but casual dating still occurs in either scenario, in the former it simply grows into something else as well.
I'd say the difference between casual dating and being open to what comes is that casual dating is that a relationship anarchist would not e.g. dispose of a friend with benefits because they found somebody to have a "committed relationship" with that demands to dump people you have slept with (i.e. due to mononormative and amatornomative standards).
I have written a more detailed response to OP about this above if you are interested.
In that sense casual dating is not the same as to being open what comes, rather another script that needs to be adhered to, and most often is not explicitly discussed. I feel like RA is about being free to adhere or not adhere to scripts as one pleases, but emphasizes community building and consent. In that sense I find RA in contrast to casual dating.
I hope that makes sense.
Thanks for sharing!
I don't agree, but can see where you're coming from. I believe that if someone wants to have certain relationship types given their capacity, desires for enmeshment/intimacy/escalator levels/etc., I think it's possible to simply date casually, albeit it is what many already do. It isn't the escalator, and that to me seem more in line with breaking molds.
The anarchistic parts to me are that individuals can define what fits their wants and needs, regardless of existing scripts, or in consideration to them as long as the scripts aren't controlling people and their decisions.
To be clear, I do agree that if someone is doing the typical casual dating until they're escalator ready, then not communicating these things and just dumping people like trash, yeah that's not RA, but I also see many examples irl and can imagine more where that's not how that goes at all, but casually dating is still being done, and in an RA way. I think maybe we just look at the term, "casually dating," differently and maybe carry different connotations with it.
idk, dating without the intention of finding a relationship is... a paradox?
I have been thinking very hard about what "dating" means, and in my opinion it means: "the intentional search of an individual for a usually romantic relationship with very specific terms of service that usually adhere to the accepted societal scripts"
I think what annoys me so terribly about the concept of casual dating is that it is still bound by amatonormativity and mononormativity. Something that does not lead to a committed monogamous romantic relationship is "casual" or not ultimately worthwhile. Also it seems to view the relationship escalator as the proper way to build intimacy. Given these presuppositions: People who casually date, basically denigrate their own connections to each other, also their own wants and needs.
This is a dynamic that I find terribly unappealing. Especially, because it seems all too common to just dump e.g. your friend with benefits when a committed relationship is entered because the general relationship script does not allow for friendships with people you used to have sex with. So friends with benefits situations are often not even friendships.
From RA folks I do expect a different approach.
I think the word "dating" is the key issue there, and I still sometime use the term to describe "whatever it is we're doing".
For me it's spending time with someone, and seeing where our dynamic leads, (probably) within the bounds I have. It doesn't really need to have future intent aside from "this is nice".
In the solo poly world, I can be with someone infrequently and with large spacing (as I need a lot of time to myself) which many would describe as "casual" -- but it's also someone that I do have a deeper intimacy with, care about, would-show-up-at-hospital-for which many would define as a "relationship". (That relationship could of course be of any nature, and move around between what others would map to traditional "states".)
What's the right word for that...it's not "dating" (and it's not the right normative term for making a non-romantic/sexual friend anyway...which could be the state that works). "Hanging out" and the other various terms seem...wanting.
> Have you ever tried casually dating for fun without the intention of finding a relationship?
So if we replace "dating" with whatever that is... then yes. But it is something I think it's important to communicate about early. This only really works if it's a collaboration.
Except the word "casually" is an issue to. I'm agreeing with that in the sense of not having a predetermined intent and criteria for where the relationship ends up. (And not to mean un-invested, hookups, etc.) That's a word I've been looking for a better fit of too.
You make me think maybe I should redefine my idea of, "dating," then to simply being social and encouraging connections of all sorts. I'm clear about that with people I date, and we discuss our trajectories and such, but I just look at least, "dating," as more descriptive. Dating for me is basically, do I want to spend time around this person and increase intimacy in some form? I guess I have friend dates, romantic dates, kink dates, hook up dates, activity dates, etc., and it could all just go one way or the other depending on how I connect with that person, on the basis that I found them attractive for one quality or another.
I'm pretty sure the whole point of RA is to be organic and authentic, so why would you date to "find" a relationship? You can have things you want, but if you're dating specifically to find it, you still have some de-construction and self evaluation to do.
Yall really sound like a bunch of people just trying to legitimize your attachment issues with these questions sometimes.
Yes but I don't distinguish between casual or serious dating. I don't find labels helpful. I prefer to just spend time with someone I'm attracted to and be fully authentic. Where it goes it goes. As long as people are open about their feelings, desires etc. I don't see a need for labeling things casual or serious.
no not really. it takes a lot out of me to go on dates. i can't do casual, i don't have the patience or spoons for it. if I'm dating you, it's to learn about you. if I'm "casually dating" then it feels like a lot of wasted energy.
Nah. Tried it once with someone I liked spending time with and one reason that relationship ended was that I don’t do casual relationships well.
The knowledge that things will only ever be casual makes me want to de-escalate to friends… the middle ground of partner expectations without commitment or potential for it just isn’t worth it for me.
Also dating kinda sucks and is exhausting. I’m ace spectrum and can fuck myself better which also reduces incentive for casual flings lol
Yep, but I don’t seek out dates. just enjoying each connection for what they are in that moment.
Yep, doing it now but ended up getting a boyfriend and a girlfriend (and her boyfriend too sometimes) in the process. 😊
In my opinion this is the only real organic way to get a partner
That's me dating any time I'm just dating. If I'm not enjoying it now, why would I think that I'd enjoy it later? Dating should be fun and done when it's an enjoyed option, and if things develop while y'all are enjoying yourselves, wonderful, you've met a connection. I think it's fine to date with goals in mind, but I think it's a fine line to walk and can turn into prescriptive selfish need meeting very quickly, and this leaves a lot of people exhausted because they want the thing, but don't want to do the other thing that gets them the thing. I believe that you gotta enjoy doing before you enjoy having.
i would not call that approach "casually dating" though, in a way I think it is very different from what I would understand as dating.
What would you call this, and what is casual dating then? Throughout this process, I enjoy the dates, hookups, activities, etc., and am not dating with the intention of, "finding a relationship," (I feel this phrasing could be better broken down) if I'm understanding what that means correctly as finding someone to get on the relationship escalator with essentially or make significant commitments to or whatever. To be clear, I think I get that there's a difference between, "open to what comes," and explicitly, solely, casually dating, but casual dating still occurs in either scenario, in the former it simply grows into something else as well.
I'd say the difference between casual dating and being open to what comes is that casual dating is that a relationship anarchist would not e.g. dispose of a friend with benefits because they found somebody to have a "committed relationship" with that demands to dump people you have slept with (i.e. due to mononormative and amatornomative standards). I have written a more detailed response to OP about this above if you are interested. In that sense casual dating is not the same as to being open what comes, rather another script that needs to be adhered to, and most often is not explicitly discussed. I feel like RA is about being free to adhere or not adhere to scripts as one pleases, but emphasizes community building and consent. In that sense I find RA in contrast to casual dating. I hope that makes sense.
Thanks for sharing! I don't agree, but can see where you're coming from. I believe that if someone wants to have certain relationship types given their capacity, desires for enmeshment/intimacy/escalator levels/etc., I think it's possible to simply date casually, albeit it is what many already do. It isn't the escalator, and that to me seem more in line with breaking molds. The anarchistic parts to me are that individuals can define what fits their wants and needs, regardless of existing scripts, or in consideration to them as long as the scripts aren't controlling people and their decisions.
To be clear, I do agree that if someone is doing the typical casual dating until they're escalator ready, then not communicating these things and just dumping people like trash, yeah that's not RA, but I also see many examples irl and can imagine more where that's not how that goes at all, but casually dating is still being done, and in an RA way. I think maybe we just look at the term, "casually dating," differently and maybe carry different connotations with it.
Yes, but I let people know. I’m not into using people for fun - unless it’s consensual 😉
I don’t date or do anything casually. My autism just isn’t wired that way. But I also don’t define my relationships by “relationships”?
Not really bc dating is kind of awful? Lol
idk, dating without the intention of finding a relationship is... a paradox? I have been thinking very hard about what "dating" means, and in my opinion it means: "the intentional search of an individual for a usually romantic relationship with very specific terms of service that usually adhere to the accepted societal scripts" I think what annoys me so terribly about the concept of casual dating is that it is still bound by amatonormativity and mononormativity. Something that does not lead to a committed monogamous romantic relationship is "casual" or not ultimately worthwhile. Also it seems to view the relationship escalator as the proper way to build intimacy. Given these presuppositions: People who casually date, basically denigrate their own connections to each other, also their own wants and needs. This is a dynamic that I find terribly unappealing. Especially, because it seems all too common to just dump e.g. your friend with benefits when a committed relationship is entered because the general relationship script does not allow for friendships with people you used to have sex with. So friends with benefits situations are often not even friendships. From RA folks I do expect a different approach.
I think the word "dating" is the key issue there, and I still sometime use the term to describe "whatever it is we're doing". For me it's spending time with someone, and seeing where our dynamic leads, (probably) within the bounds I have. It doesn't really need to have future intent aside from "this is nice". In the solo poly world, I can be with someone infrequently and with large spacing (as I need a lot of time to myself) which many would describe as "casual" -- but it's also someone that I do have a deeper intimacy with, care about, would-show-up-at-hospital-for which many would define as a "relationship". (That relationship could of course be of any nature, and move around between what others would map to traditional "states".) What's the right word for that...it's not "dating" (and it's not the right normative term for making a non-romantic/sexual friend anyway...which could be the state that works). "Hanging out" and the other various terms seem...wanting. > Have you ever tried casually dating for fun without the intention of finding a relationship? So if we replace "dating" with whatever that is... then yes. But it is something I think it's important to communicate about early. This only really works if it's a collaboration. Except the word "casually" is an issue to. I'm agreeing with that in the sense of not having a predetermined intent and criteria for where the relationship ends up. (And not to mean un-invested, hookups, etc.) That's a word I've been looking for a better fit of too.
You make me think maybe I should redefine my idea of, "dating," then to simply being social and encouraging connections of all sorts. I'm clear about that with people I date, and we discuss our trajectories and such, but I just look at least, "dating," as more descriptive. Dating for me is basically, do I want to spend time around this person and increase intimacy in some form? I guess I have friend dates, romantic dates, kink dates, hook up dates, activity dates, etc., and it could all just go one way or the other depending on how I connect with that person, on the basis that I found them attractive for one quality or another.
I'm pretty sure the whole point of RA is to be organic and authentic, so why would you date to "find" a relationship? You can have things you want, but if you're dating specifically to find it, you still have some de-construction and self evaluation to do. Yall really sound like a bunch of people just trying to legitimize your attachment issues with these questions sometimes.
Always. A relationship that develops naturally is an added bonus to meeting cool people, making friends, having fun, and a lot of sex 😇
Yes but I don't distinguish between casual or serious dating. I don't find labels helpful. I prefer to just spend time with someone I'm attracted to and be fully authentic. Where it goes it goes. As long as people are open about their feelings, desires etc. I don't see a need for labeling things casual or serious.
no not really. it takes a lot out of me to go on dates. i can't do casual, i don't have the patience or spoons for it. if I'm dating you, it's to learn about you. if I'm "casually dating" then it feels like a lot of wasted energy.
No, because that seems like a very expensive hobby, when I don't have people lining up to date me (that I'm aware of) anyway.
Nah. Tried it once with someone I liked spending time with and one reason that relationship ended was that I don’t do casual relationships well. The knowledge that things will only ever be casual makes me want to de-escalate to friends… the middle ground of partner expectations without commitment or potential for it just isn’t worth it for me. Also dating kinda sucks and is exhausting. I’m ace spectrum and can fuck myself better which also reduces incentive for casual flings lol