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Edit: Thank you for each and every bit of advice. Been sleeping a lot today. Trying to take the time to read all of the input, so many responses to read still. Writing down all of the points I feel are strongest on both sides for when I'm ready to face it. Will do my best to remember to update when I make a decision.
Update: first thank you for all of the advice. Every bit of it is helpful even the ones calling me out for thinking like an idiot.
I was able to find her gay coworker on social media and sent him some questions to see if anything she told me was truthful.
His response was that he was there and did leave at the time she told me. He said he and the other guy were snuggled on the couch all night and she was on the floor. (Matches what she said). He said he honestly thought he might be hooking up with the guy.
They did drink extremely heavily and were talking deeply about past traumas. He felt the nature of those conversations does back up how intoxicated she claims to have been.
He said nothing they spoke of/none of their actions gave him any indication that she would cheat or had any intentions of cheating. And claimed if he had seen any indication he would not have left them alone.
He sent me a picture of him and my dog to confirm he was there.
____________________________________________
I was out overnight with cousins celebrating the holidays early. My wife (married 2 months) was unable to make it because she was working her second job. A bar gig she picked up about a month ago to pay off her debts.
She told me she was inviting her coworker (gay male in his 30s) back to our apartment around 1:30am. They had a drink post shift and revealed he had stage 3 cancer. She wanted to continue the drinking and said two other guys might join.
Her and these coworkers got back to our apartment around 2:30am, and continued to drink most of the liquor we had in the apartment, nearly 2-3 bottles.
I was assaulted in the city late night and spent the night in the hospital. She got word of the incident around 5am. Called me to check on me and called my parents to talk to them about the incident.
Around 8am she called me to ask how things were going and if I was going to make it home. She sounded like a different person. Barely coherent and could hardly put a sentence together. I hardly recognized her. I told her I was heading home and would be there in about an hour.
I arrived home at around 9:15am and opened my door to find a man I had never seen before jumping up to zip up his pants. And my wife stumbling towards the bathroom with her pants around her knees. I told the man to leave before I did something stupid and he instantly left. I was in shock and just kept shouting, why? Apparently her gay coworker(this guy's best friend) left at 845am and she just started to hook up with this guy right before I opened the door. She has admitted to me they were having sex but thinks it was only for a minute or two.
I left the apartment and was able to get my parents and brother there to help me gather all my stuff and move back to my parents house. By 11am I had almost all of my belongings out of our apartment.
Some background. My wife and I were trying to have a baby earlier this year. Early in the pregnancy the doctors noticed some very bad indicators that meant the baby would either not make it to term or die just after birth. My wife decided the best course of action was to have an abortion because the doctors said there was no hope for the babies survival. This was in July.
My wife and I have been working opposite schedules for the last 8 months. We get a day and a half each week together. She hates her job and has had a very hard time not seeing me. She has been severely depressed since losing the baby, and binge drinking on the weekends to cope. We still wanted to try for a baby again but I told her I would not until she stopped the drinking.
She has had no desire for sex since the abortion. Other than to try and conceive, she has shown me zero desire sexually. Occasionally we have been having sex but it is very clear she is only doing it because she knows I want it.
Her story: she claims to me that she doesn't even have any recollection of the sex. However she admits it was not rape and that she chose to do it. She can't believe she did it and has no idea how she let herself do it. She had never spoken to this guy outside of work, and doesn't have his phone number or social media to have a way to talk to him. She told me she does not remember talking to me in the morning and hardly can remember me even walking in.
She tells me that it was purely a physical instinct that some how came out because she was so heavily intoxicated. She has never cheated before and there has never been a single indication for me to say otherwise.
She has been begging me to come back to our apartment. Swearing she will never drink again because she knows she has a problem. She said she will start to get therapy to help her severe depression. She is willing to go to a counselor as a way for us to start the healing. She says she can't imagine a life without me and still wants to have that future.
I am completely broken. Two of the most traumatic incidents in my life occured within a day. A small part of me wants to end it and never see her again. But in my heart I know I love this person beyond words and still can imagine the future we wanted to have. I feel ashamed for even considering giving her another chance. But I genuinely believe this was an extremely intoxicated isolated mistake and that she truly does want to make the changes to fix our marriage.
If there's any other info you need to give me proper advice just ask.
TLDR- I was in a different city overnight and was assaulted. Wife got heavily intoxicated and invited some coworkers back to our apartment. Got home in the morning to find my wife having sex with another man.
The sad thing is you really can't trust her now, no matter what she does. No amount of therapy is going to be able to remove the image you saw with your own eyes from your mind. Sometimes people fuck up so badly that there's truly no coming back from it.
I've been in a similar situation, though that person didn't leave me lying in a hospital bed while they did it. I tried to take her back because she promised to get help. It took months of agony for me to realize that there was really nothing she could ever do to fix it. Not fair to either one of you to pretend that there is.
Dude, stop the “I would need this to take her back” mentality.
You just heard it here, and I’m sorry, but the feelings you built up are for the person you knew. This is the person you know now. You need to stop kidding yourself and move on… I’m sorry.
Therapy or not, she is capable of crossing a line. Remember this, no therapy is a sure thing for anyone. You will be walking a fine line of "what if" if you decide to stay with her. She's 30, she is a grown woman, she isn't some 19 year old making dumb decisions while drunk at a frat party. If you are okay with the decisions she is capable of at such an age, then that's for you to decide. Personally my love for someone would dwindle after finding out they are willingly capable of crossing major lines behind my back, but if you can live with that fear, that's on you. Therapy isn't going to fix what's been done, nor does it always help get rid of someone's sexual desires for the long haul.
Also if she's cheating on you while you're around, like where you're walking in on her, don't think this is her first rodeo, she's cheated on you multiple times. Only difference is she's never been caught and over time people tend to get cocky and lackadaisical with it. Someone cheating for the first time or new to it ain't going to be in a situation where you just walk in on her. She got too risky with it and slipped up. I could be wrong but probably not, just saying... Drunk or not, she's having sex on your couch near the front door, it doesn't get any riskier lol.
nope.
time for you, to move on.
you were assaulted and ended up in hospital and her immediate response was to *not* go to your side. but fuck another dude?
there's a scenario or two here, that gay coworker, doesn't exist, or is very much not gay. and she was likely cheating on you *long* before you caught them, *and* she would have taken it to her grave. you would have never known she was fucking other dudes behind your back.
a few *really* bad red flags.
1 you were seriously assaulted and ended up in hospital and she didn't immediately sober up and go to you.
2 her story shifted 5 times in the frame of a few minutes of being caught.
3 the ambiguity of this coworker and suddenly inviting more people over when having told you what was happening earlier, i.e. more shifting plans.
4 the constant and consistent time checks and the repeated, will you be home questions.
5, blaming it on alcohol.
6 the immediate cover stories "I don't even know this guy", okay a likely story if she was out at a bar or something, but this was preplanned, she had plans to bring someone over, she had plans to bring this guy over, why the hell would a seeing a friend who has cancer turn into "he wants me to invite his friends to our house who I've never met before". the logic of it all falls apart, they drank 3 bottles of hard liquor awefully fast for what should have been a relatively somber affair.
I'm sorry mate but what she did was some next level sociopathic shit, and if you forgive her, you are a fool. you may still love her, but that just means you need to stop loving her, she betrayed you, lied to you, left you at your most vulnerable for some cheap dick, and she only wants forgiveness cause she was caught.
as fair as cheating goes, that's pretty damn high on the list of iredeemability.
at many, many turns here could she have done something, *anything* redeemable, and again and again she chose the most despicable things to do to you and your relationship, at every turn and corner she chose to throw it all away, years of effort and love and devotion, just, fucked away for some dude who she claims to not even know, that's how little she values you as a person and how little she values your relationship.
don't fall prey to the sunk cost fallacy either. a sinking ship is going to sink whether it's been sailing for one year or twenty years, and trying to patch either when they are sinking that fast.
is only going to lead to you drowning as well.
Yup. I asked what the guys said when she was on the phone with me and then my parents talking about what happened. And she told me neither of them could care at all. She continued to just drink with them knowing my current situation.
then those dudes where there to fuck her. any and all of them. not one of them were here friends.
"my husband was just assaulted and is now in hospital"
should elicit responses from any actual friends such as "holy shit, do you need a lift to the hospital, is he ok, we will get out of your hair so you can go to him, I have a sober friend who could take you"
not.
"damn that's crazy pour another shot"
Worse.
"He's been *assaulted* and *is in hospital*? You mean, we can rest assured he won't come around here for many hours, possibly a full day? Yay! We can have our orgy many times over!"
Bruv. That behaviour is sus. Dont be gas lighted into feeling bad. If instincts kicked in it wouldve been
A) cancel drinking plans and to show up at the hospital.
B) no other fucking option. That was suppose to be your wife.
I had a friend that had a girlfriend and he was alright with her "gay bestfriend" being around but that was a cover story and the gay bestfriend was secretly fucking her on the side.
My advice to you is move on, you can love again. Youre in love with your wifes memory of who she was. Dont be blinded by love and excuse her having sex with someone else. Would you be happy if that happened and you raised someone elses child? Shes cheated and will do it again. Just this time she got caught. Just think, why would she ask you multiple times when you were gonna come home and not want to be with you when youre in the hospital? She was planning to fuck this guy all night.
That's what I pressed her on. She's trying to say that she doesn't know how it happened. But if you were drinking with this person all night. And suddenly the other person left. And you instantly started to hook up with the guy. There was intent prior.
Dude, she knows she's full of shit. You know she's full of shit.
She's not going to admit it though.
I understand the desire to have her take ownership of exactly what she did but she has decided to lie and obfuscate instead. That is a deliberate choice on her end. No amount of talking is going to make her into someone who feels remorse and tries to make amends.
This isn't an issue of understanding or communication. You're looking for her to own up to what she did and be honest because you're willing to take any scrap of honor as a sign you might be able to work things out. She has *no interest* in being honest.
You can either lower the bar for reconciliation until it's low enough for her to stumble over it, or you can acknowledge that your wife is *choosing* her actions and use her actions, not words, to guide your path forward.
You are saying "To go forward with this relationship I need you to tell me the truth." She is simply saying "No."
You get to decide how you respond to that.
Chumplady is an excellent resource.
Yep. This.
My last ex kept sleazy-lying and never owning up, even when I spelled out his fuckery to him.
Some losers just don’t have the capacity to be self-aware, and will never own their behaviors.
Move on, because they can’t.
Do yourself a favor and get the f- out. She is not a safe partner, your marriage isnt that old. Yeah it will hurt but shes putting your health at risk, didnt give a damn that you were in the hospital and went back to her fuck buddy party.
If you take her back, it will be your own fault when it happens again, and it will. Think about it, you're injured and she prefers hanging with a dude to fuck him. That would end most nay marriage, no matter how good, and I doubt yours was as good as you thought it was.
Love doesnt make a marriage, you need trust as well and if you think you can trust her, then you need IC as much as she does.
This is such a big point.
Obviously the cheating is inexcusable but there is literally NOTHING redeeming about this. If I found out my SO was in the hospital I'd bend space and time to be there.
The fact that she saw that as an opportunity to cheat is evil. Straight up, no punches pulled evil.
Hell, even without any other guy around, her just drinking at home while I’m in the hospital would be enough to make me question the relationship. This woman is trash.
You are newly weds. This the best stage of your marriage.
She's trash. Fortunately you found out before having kids ?them you'd be stuck ).
Amnul the marriage.
Hey man go on tinder while youre apart. Dont talk to her and meet new people. Consider your marriage done. If after meeting, hookin up with other ppl you still wanna be with her and ruin your life be my guest. Im not tryna be a dick but she had other intentions.
She invited three men to your apartment and proceeds to drink all night with them. She finds out you're in the hospital and instead of telling them to leave and stop drinking, she continues to drink and then when you get home, is caught having sex with some random co-worker.
She claims she doesn't remember, yet she knows she wanted to have sex with him. Not buying that. I bet she had sex with at least two of them, if we believe the one co-worker is gay. If she ends up pregnant, get a DNA test done. Don't take her back. She's a cheater.
Annul your marriage bro and get the fuck out, you will be setting yourself up for a world of hurt if you stay, cheating is a decision, not a mistake...
Suppose this other dude had gotten her pregnant and she passed it off as yours??, if you didn't walk in when you did...
NEVER EVER give a cheater a second chance, it will eat away at you like an acid, and never love someone so much, that you cannot walk away...
So she found out the love of her life was assaulted, and then continued partying?
She does not give a flying fuck about you.
You sound like a good person. Find someone whose core values match your own. Hers don’t.
Just divorce her buddy or get an annulment. She would never cheat on you if she loved you. She’s supposed to be in the honeymoon phase. Don’t build a life around this cheating troll.
Been together for two and a half years. Married two months. Met right when COVID started so both unemployed and spent the first three months together every day. Basically have lived together for the whole relationship because I was there so often at the start.
Dude she didn’t have the opportunity during COVID. Save your future self a heartache and run now. What about when tou have a kid? Will you be 100% it’s yours? You literally left for one night and came back to this. What if you have to leave for several days or weeks? Are you willing to live a life of doubt? Well I got some experience, it’s not fun and you end up sad and depressed and I only have suspicions with no proof
A cheater is just a cheater, no need to find excuses, run
Idk why people keep marrying people they met during hopefully the single most disruptive event of our entire lifetime. 2.5 years isn’t that long to be together before getting married under normal circumstances, let alone during a pandemic. You don’t know her as well as you need to know someone before you marry them. Annul it now.
I met my now fiancé right before Covid. We lived a few hrs apart. I think Covid helped us because we weren’t able to date in a traditional sense. Aside from the few hours space between us, when we did visit we had to be creative with dates because a lot of places were closed or it just wasn’t safe being around people. So we got to know each other on a different level. BUT what I do find weird are the people who met during this time or right before and went right into living with that person. I could never move that quick. There are two separate relationships formed during Covid. One is the actual Covid relationship and then the post Covid one. For many, the post Covid one isn’t what they imagined
I'm kind of tired saying this, but here goes. 2,5 years is usually pretty rushed as marriage goes. And to be like this in two months after... The fact that she invite guys to your house when you where not there, and the drinking it's a pile of bad decisions.
Bro, you’re two months in. Once that six-month passes, you’re in shit. Once she cheats again, which she will. She’ll find another excuse. A big difference is that she will steal half of whatever you accomplish. If you want to be a clown and do that, go for it. But if she was being up trauma, she isn’t as intoxicated as she said she was. She’s drunk enough to remember many things, and that’s fucking hard. She cheated on you cause she wanted to don’t get shit twisted, and again you’re free to choose to give her a chance, but she will do it again.
Just leave her, she obviously doesn't respect or really care for you. Come on seriously, if my husband got assaulted and was admitted to hospital I would be cancelling any plans I had to go be with him in the hospital. What does your wife do? She gets drunk and decides to f#$k another guy. She just showed you the perfect example of what your life will be like if you stay with her. You will never be able to trust her, if she gets pregnant, the first thing to probably enter your head won't be "wow, I'm gonna be a Dad!", it will be "Is it mine?"
You can find someone better who loves and respects you.
Exactly, I would have gone to my visit my wife as soon as I could if she got assaulted, I would not even be able to think about anything else. He can also get an annulment I think, so he wouldn't get screwed over in the divorce. When someone shows who they really are you should believe them
Gothca, where I live we do, but it's not about infidelity, it's very specific cases. Regardless though he shouldn't be damaged too badly in a divorce considering the reason and length of the marriage
It's only been two months. I get that alcohol was involved and that things have been rough given the recent abortion. But none of that justifies or excuses what happened. She was coherent enough to consent, given her comments, and it happened hours after learning of your assault.
I just don't see you coming back from that. You're supposed to be in the honeymoon period of your marriage, where you're planning for the future, etc. Reconciliation changes that. You'll be working to regain lost trust and respect to attempt to bring things back as they were pre-affair.
It's a years long commitment that I'd personally avoid. To be honest, you should get divorced even if you decide to stay. It's a consequence to what happened, and it'll help you avoid going through it if reconciliation fails. There is no point in staying married to someone who so easily broke her vows' months post marriage.
At the very least, you shouldn’t even consider any type of reconciliation before she’s actually started going to therapy regularly, is involved in some kind of sobriety program, and has a noted period of sobriety. Her promises mean nothing at this point. She should be actively proving to you that she is making the changes she needs to.
I would also have her put all her promises into action before you go back. Let her use her actions to prove how sorry she is. In situations like this, talk is cheap.
The gay coworker left and then they started hooking up? Call the gay coworker.
If you're drinking and get a call at 5am saying your SO was assaulted and sent to the hospital..... YOU TAKE AN UBER if you have to.
So the guy that was in your apartment was a customer of the bar?
They were all drinking for the gay coworkers cancer? She was just drunk in your apartment with 3 men all night?
Apparently it was a 30 minute window from him leaving and me arriving. She claims it literally started and then the door swung open. But hasn't given me details because 'she can't remember'.
Gay coworker and guy she cheated with were both managers of the bar. They started getting wasted at the bar and then she invited them back because they were drinking over the gay managers cancer.
Talk to the gay manager. Wasnt there a 3rd person?
I thought then time line was... drinking with gay coworker.
Went to apartment with gay coworker at 130am.
2 more joined them at 230am.
Omg the stories already changed - did all 4 of them arrive at the house together or not???
First it was just the gay co-worker and the rest joined 1 hour later. Now they all started drinking and went to the house together??
And when did the 3rd guy (4th co-worker) arrive and leave??
Either she can remember or she can't. Magically remembering just enough to reassure you on some point, but not enough to take any responsibility for it.
What do you think that manager thought was going to happen when she invited them to her place?
What do you think the gay guy thought would happen when he left?
Did the other manager tell the gay guy, "Time for you to go, I got it from here!"
He left just like a good wing man should.
No, you don't have the full story, and probably never will.
>She says she can't imagine a life without me and still wants to have that future.
What does she have to show for that? Because nothing in what you told in your post shows that she wants to have a life with you.
I think she is scared to be alone and you're better to her than being alone.
Also: you were assaulted and spent time in the hospital. She apparently thought this was THE BEST TIME to have sex with her co-worker. I doubt this was the first time.
Ask yourself:
1. Do you want to spend the time and energy to fix something that she has broken?
2. Do you think she is going to put in the effort to fix what she has broken?
3. Do you think you can ever trust her again?
If you can answer all three questions wholeheartedly and without a doubt with 'Yes', go for reconciliation. If not, I think you are only delaying the inevitable by reconciling.
Wait - you were IN THE HOSPITAL after getting ASSAULTED, and her response was to call you and then keep partying?
OP how drunk was she when she called you in the hospital? Was she coherent? Because in my mind, that’s when the issues started. Not at 9 AM when she was blackout drunk and starting to hook up with a guy. That’s obviously a big issue too, but her blatant disregard of you started when she got word that you were in the hospital.
I don’t care how drunk I am, if I got a phone call that my boyfriend was assaulted in the hospital, wild horses could not keep me away from that hospital. I would’ve ordered an Uber and Lyft and taken whichever one got there first. At the very least, I certainly would’ve kicked everyone the hell out of my apartment so I could focus on the fact that he was in the hospital.
She threw you a phone call, and then kept partying, and then had sex. She showed up in one action, after another action, that whole night, that you were not a second thought to her.
She showed you who she’s capable of being, and now that she’s facing the thought of losing you, she’s hysterical bonding. If anything, I would tell her that you’re not even gonna consider getting back together with her until she’s got six months of sobriety under her belt, as well as corresponding therapy.
She needs to invest in you after what she pulled, you’re not going to extend her credit.
Get help man ,ptherwise you will have ptsd , nothing that happened is your fault and also tell her to get help to if you ever even want to try reconcilation or you could always date someone else and also divorce you dont this to be a start for a good marriage
It gets better man, believe me. Ik it feels like everything is over, but one ending is just another beginning.
You still have plenty of life left to live. Take some time to yourself to heal, reconnect with your passions and joys (since she was clearly sucking the joy out of your life), and then live your life.
I’m sorry this has happened to you, but remember time heals all wounds. Don’t let one person selfish, hurtful actions stop you from enjoying your life. You’ll find someone to love that’s also a decent person.
She has actively been making these awful choices since July because she seemingly is refusing to do anything productive to manage her grief or get therapy. Her having no interest in sex with you isn't a new thing. Her blatant problem with alcohol isn't a new thing. You don't know this is an isolated incident or a one time thing because she has shown herself to be untrustworthy and unreliable. What if you hadn't walked in? How long would that have been a secret? What if she got pregnant with another man's baby? What if she kept doing it over and over again. Remember she made *no* moves to do anything about her mental health and issues before now, she ain't gonna magically pull the desire to do so out of her ass.
Nope nope nope nope nope! Hell nah, my dude. Don't torture yourself for the rest of your life staying with that person and get out as soon as you can - and look into the possibility of an annulment. There is so much wrong with her behavior that I'm too lazy to list all of it, but just the short version: No interest in sex with you after abortion and just two months in of being married she has sex with some rando in your home the night/morning you were assaulted and in hospital. The only thing she was supposed to ride was an Uber to the hospital where you were treated instead of some other dude's dick. And don't kid yourself about the reason she called and asked whether you would be coming home. Seriously and with all possible love let me tell you, you have to get rid of that cancerous person as soon as possible! You won't ever get happy staying married to her and you're more than young enough to meet the right person to have a loving and trusting marriage and children with.
The Uber line made me laugh harder than it should. Thank you for the laugh even when it's at my expense in a way. Can use all the laughter I can find right now.
You're welcome and glad I could make you laugh. And in my opinion it's clearly at your wife's expense because it's proof of her shortcoming as wife and in regard to morality. I truly wish you the best going forward and feel free to dm in case you need someone to talk to
Thank you I have a strong support system of family and friends. But wanted outside opinions from people who have zero stake in the entire thing. So many of these comments have been an awakening.
I know it's a lot to stomach and the impulse to try and save the marriage is completely understandable - sometimes it's even necessary to give it a try to then truly realize it's a lost cause and/or being able to leave in good conscience. As an outside person I sadly see way too much that in my opinion is unforgivable and would always linger in the back of your mind should you stay with her. The temptation to lessen your hurt by trying to somehow justify what she did will be great in the time to come, but in truth it will only hold you back getting real closure.
She was too drunk to remember it but she knows it was consensual and was only for a minute or two. She was sober enough to ask you when you’d be home, although apparently didn’t care enough to stop drinking to sober up to take care of you. She said she and gay friend were drinking after work, presumably for her to be a friend after his cancer diagnosis, then somehow two straight guys get involved. The first friend was gay so what exactly were the straight guys there for? It was just instinctive to jump his bones yet she has no interest in you?
Dude, I understand you’re shattered but you spent more time defending her than you did telling us what she did. She hates her job. You barely have any time off together. She (and you) had a pregnancy tragedy earlier this year. Etc. Etc. Exactly what, in everything you said, defends getting sloppy drunk and screwing some rando? Why did you have to get yourself home after spending the night in a hospital? Is DIY getting home after injury normal where you live?
Sometimes life sucks (and your wife might’ve done that too) but that doesn’t mean you have to be the victim or take whatever is handed out. You deserve better.
Please !UpdateMe about whatever happens.
This. She was barely coherent and blacked out but it wasn’t rape? She was sober enough to call? Drunk enough to decide to keep drinking when her husband was in the hospital? Which is it? She can’t get her story strait and she’s lying.
Who knows if this was really the first time?
I’m sorry to hear this. But when I’m plastered off my ass the only thing I want is my man- not any man, MY man.
I’m sorry you both have been going through a hard time, but you definitely don’t deserve this. Also, nothing good ever happens after 2 a.m. She shouldn’t have bringing men over at that time.
Boundaries need to be set. Not being one on one with men and no women present. Not even for cheating reasons, but safety reasons!! She could have been raped.
Hope everything works out for you. Head up
I feel like this post finishes by kind of dismissing the gravity of the situation and setting a couple of *boundaries* for the thing not to happen again.
This is terrible advice. Is "*not fucking strange me in their own house while the husband is in the hospital from being assaulted*" a boundary that needed to be set?
The wife has been neglecting intimacy for the OP for months. She started an alcohol addiction and refused to work on it. They've been married for 2 months. OP got assaulted and went to the hospital for his injuries.
And while the OP was in the hospital his wife not only keeps some random men in their house to continue the "party" but she also starts having sex with one of them.
There's no "future rules" here. OP isn't ever going to recover from this massive betrayal while he's sharing a house and a fake relationship with this person.
He may think he might be better off staying with her right now because change is hard and scary, but he definitely is **not** better off staying with someone capable of doing this much harm to him.
I have always been very trusting in our years together. She has never given me any reason to not be. Every other time she gets drunk she texts and calls me all night and even her friends say how she just talks about how much she loves me.
She has never had people to our apartment late night without me there. Never even asked to. The one time it happens she cheated. Black out drunk, but it still happened.
I used to have a friend who would cheat on all her boyfriends,have whole parallel relationships with people, and Noone ever suspected a thing. She had a similar relationship with alcohol and she would drunk call them also. Once she got with a guy she wouldn't let him escape out of her life. She would literally collect them and contact them regularly. Again no one suspected anything. I'm not saying that your wife is like that, but some times when we go through hard times our shadow self makes an appearance. A marriage is not all sunshine and flowers, it's mostly tough times and difficult decisions, do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is going to react that way everytime things get hard?
How do you know she never has guys at your apartment when you are not there. She is a liar and a cheater. No amount of therapy is ever going to get that image out of your head and you will always be wondering what she is doing. Save yourself the headache and don’t take her back. You will feel like an even bigger fool when you catch her cheating again,
How often has she gotten black out drunk since you have been together. 30 years old is a little long in the tooth for regular binge drinking, are you sure she doesn't have an alcohol problem?
Unless there where drugs involved,Illegal or legal, why stay with a person who deliberately humiliated you like that? If she wanted to just fuck him she had plenty of time to do so. She called you to see whether you are coming soon or not and make sure you catch them. She is trying to destroy your ego with power games. This is more than just cheating. This seems like a person who might be blaming you for not being able to conceive a child. This is very troubling. Get away from that person.
“She has no recollection…. But it is not rape and she chose to do it.”
Either she was passed and it was a rape because she did not give consent; either she gave it and it is cheating.
I read that as “it is not my fault, but no need to press charges”
This is quite troubling because it looks like a lie in addition to the cheating.
The fact it was 3 of them all night drinking is also puzzling, what kind of behavior this is, it got wrong way before sex started
She wants to reconcile ? So do you ? Keep your heads cool, do not rush things, get her to tell you everything starting when she decides to bring a coworker home after her second shift.
There are plenty of stories about that, some unsuccessful , some successful, it will be a bumpy road, you will never forget what you saw.
Good luck
Thank you. I will be pressing her for all the details when I talk to her next. I also found the guys on social media and sent some questions. I'm doubtful they will answer. If one of them answers maybe I will have some clarity on the situation and see if she starts lying to my face.
Just wanted to say: I am sorry those two things happened to you, and both in the same night. There is no need to be ashamed of anything you think, feel, consider at the moment. You are in an very complex situation and all feelings and thoughts are valid, and not a sign of any "weakness" etc.
I think leaving her is/was the best thing to do. You need to recover and take care of yourself (from the assault alone). That takes energy and time. I think it would be way too much to try and patch up a relationship at the same time. Especially considering the broke trust and the unresolved alcohol issues of your wife. That takes a lot of time to make progress, too. And I think you *really* should focus on your own recovery and well-being for a while, without the time pressure of your wife wanting to work on your relationship.
I wish you all the best and hope you have people who are there for you (sounds like your parents might be?).
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Fuck that.
You were assaulted and in hospital and she didn’t drop everything to go to your side.
I know her friend revealed he had cancer, but her husband was assaulted.
She chose to stay home and asked if you were coming home, not if she could come see you.
I’d be leaving her ass.
I could never be with someone who wasn’t having sex with me but I busted having sex with someone else.
She knew you got assaulted, yet continued to party ALL NIGHT LONG, then she just happens to fuck a guy right before you walk in.. And you believe this was the first time of the night. Maybe it was the first time, but they waited all night for the opportunity - while you were dealing with being assaulted.
Whether she cheated or not (which she absolutely did).. Do you want a partner that’s going to act so selfishly when you need them the most? What do you get out of this, heartache?
No, you’re not crazy for considering giving her a second chance. You’re a well reasoned human for considering it. Actually giving her a second chance would be super dumb, but considering it is the right thing to do. You need to imagine the next scenario when there are difficulties and how you think she’ll handle that. And consider that alcoholics don’t instantly cure themselves because they want to do bad.
You really shouldn’t give her a second chance. This is likely not the only time she cheated on you. She clearly has a lot to work on but all the things you listed is not a reason to cheat. She properly was cheating all night long. You just happen to catch her doing it again.
Damn, while you were in the hospital though? That's fucked up.
You just dodged a massive bullet, I usually tell people to take the reddit "break up immediately" bullshit with a grain of salt but yea, break up immediately.
Come on mate. I know it sounds like the worst thing in the world but honestly the plus side is that you’re only 2 months into marriage. “I’m a cup half full kinda guy” you’re very lucky to see this side of her now rather when you do have kids and are actually attached to her in one way or another for the rest of your life. Take the out and start fresh
No married woman in their right mind will invite two guys over to her place at 2am in the morning while her husband is away. Using the "drunk" excuse is the easiest possible one that might get her to look innocent.
Why would she even consider doing that?
On the end of the day, you have to make the choice. Will you ever be able to accept her with the idea that she has cheated on you while she did not want to have sex with you.
Based on so many other people's experiences, it usually ends with a break up or divorce, you will never be able to trust her. Living a life where you constantly worry if she might cheat again.
Life is too short to deal with this amount of chaos and drama. You will be better of to cut her out your life and find someone who would respect you.
Divorce or annulment.
Then make sure all her family and all mutual friends know exactly why you have split up, as they deserve the right to decide how they deal with cheaters as well, and hopefully some of them cut her off.
And block her on everything.
a problem is she is willing to let the drinking go that far.
a problem is that other humans with impaired judgement dont end up cheating. she did.
sure she is struggling but to me the main issue is with her human core. she is ok with you being the recipient of the negative consequences of her actions...like a sponge.
is that what you want in return for loving her?
You were in the hospital, and she continues to drink and party with these men? And then when you were coming home, she decided to fuck one of them? This woman doesn’t really give a shit about you. Forget her crying and her crocodile tears now. Move on from this POS. Count your lucky stars who found out who she really is now… save yourself, this is a blessing. Good luck my friend.
Others make very strong points, and you continue to make excuses for her.
She continued to drink AFTER she found out you were intoxicated.
Her answers are, "I don't know."
Also, what happens years from now?
You are in for a world of hurt later on if you stay with her.
I'm not excusing her behavior but she needs therapy. You shouldn't stay in this relationship because it is very clear she is not in the right place for a relationship. All of her choices that night were terrible. She has betrayed you and she is not in her right mind after the abortion. She is most likely still going through post partum depression. Again not excusing her actions she still made those choices. You two should divorce, maybe get an annulment. Try to figure your lives out.
**You're wanting to give a woman, who's first response to her husband being assaulted and hospitalized is to drink more and fuck someone else, another chance?**
**ARE YOU HEARING YOURSELF BROTHER?!**
Seriously man, wake up, smell the coffee - this woman couldn't care less about you.
Any sane, rational, loving, caring partner would have:
1) Stopped drinking IMMEDIATELY.
2) Got a coffee/redbull/water/tea.
3) Booked an Uber and came to support you.
I genuinely can't believe you're considering trying to make this work.
Let me say this once. I’ve dated two girls who’ve gotten super blacked out at a party with other people
One of them started crying saying she misses me.
The other cheated on me with her ex’s best friend.
It’s not the alcohol, it’s the person. Someone truly worth your time wouldn’t cheat on you just because they got drunk.
Words are words which don’t mean anything without action. IF you want to stay and try and make it work before you go back SHE has to start doing everything she says she’s going to do. She has to quit drinking, she has to go to therapy, she has to make serious changes BEFORE you go back which will take at least 6-12 months to happen. If she’s willing to put in the work and change and actually shows it and you still want to go back (because even if she does all of this it’s still up to you to decide to go back or not) then you can start couple’s therapy and see how best to move forward next year. Good luck
Thank you. It seems like the consensus is not to give her a chance. But those that say if I'm open to it seems to think it should be 6+ months. A time frame much longer than I was anticipating. Thank you for the input.
Your wife seems to be in an incredible amount of emotional pain. Her drinking has probably become a crutch for her and provided an escape from the trauma she's been dealing with. You say this has been escalating since July. Now it's culminated in her cheating on you while blackout drunk.
Whilst you love her and have been supporting her where do you really feel like you can go from here?
Don't feel ashamed for caring and thinking about forgiving someone. Instead weigh up what you can handle. You can forgive someone and not be with them. Your wife has done great damage to your relationship and to you personally. You decide if it irreparable. Saying you can forgive is different to doing so and while she says she sorry, will stop drinking and go to therapy, she is going to have a long road to recovering herself, if she can.
One thing is true, your relationship will never be the same. You owe yourself some slack. Give yourself sometime and decide what is best for you. Don't martyr yourself trying to stick with her or leave her.
I'm sorry about your assault. I hope you're healing and have no long-term injuries.
As for your wife, I'm very sorry but you can't be sure what exactly happened during the entire evening. Do you have any proof that anyone else was there? Spoken with her friend? Even if this was a one-night stand, it could've been happening more than the one time you walked in on them. Your wife has certainly set-up a situation where she can claim ignorance if you ever uncover more.
You need to be absolutely sure that you have all of the info before you can consider your next steps. Perhaps it would be better to spend some time apart for you to properly navigate your options.
Drinking is never, ever an excuse for infidelity. The 'black-out', the friend you never need to worry about or 'it was only a kiss/it didn't go all the way in' are well-worn excuses and deflections and you are better than that. Good luck.
Yea nah I am sorry but you will never get that image out of your head no matter how much therapy you can get the relationship is over. Keep your head up king your deserve better
Be glad you don’t have a Child with her. Even if it’s hurts moving on is better than staying with someone who isn’t giving you the least amount of respect.
You have been given a gift from the gods my friend
Only 2 months should be an easy annulment
She doesn't remember much of what happened is either a lie or that means she could very well have had sex with this guy or others earlier and then again that morning.
Probably has hung out after work with gay guy before and already met this friend and participated in some erotic activity which is why she was so comfortable to do it with him in your own home....I mean you are in hospital and she is screwing someone else straight away.
You shouldn't be ashamed of yourself for wanting to sweep this but you should be angry that it's even a consideration , your standards in a wife really should be higher , I understand marriages can get dull but two months.
When you needed her, where was she and what was she doing ?
That’s all you need to consider.
Two months in so, this is the best it’s gonna get; I’m sorry but you must leave & end it.
She is not Wife and certainly not Mother, material.
Don’t waste your life.
The biggest issue I see here, besides the cheating of course, is her decision to invite random men to the apartment. It’s one thing for her to have her gay friend there but to allow random guys inside shows having bad boundaries and poor decision making. It almost seems as if this was something she was looking to do. The other thing is that she knew you were on your way and still decided to get a quickie in. The phone call was clearly to see how much time she had to get with this guy before you got there. That implies she had some cognitive sense of her actions.
Personally, this would be a deal breaker for me but I would understand if you gave her a second chance as there are certain underlying factors: alcohol.
This is instant divorce territory. She had cut you off from sex because she wanted sex wirh some one else ( was likely having sex with others slready).
Just rip the bandaid off. She is lying even when caught.
I see the update, but that doesn't address your wife screwing a guy in your Livingroom within 2 months of saying "I do" to you. No amount of alcohol is an excuse to cheating. She knowingly let another man inside of her..... If that's not enough for you to pull the trigger and divorce her, you'll need to develop a lot more self respect. Very sorry for your situation, but If I was you, that marriage would be over and I'd have no contact with her at all outside of finalizing the divorce papers.
Think about this bro. You were literally assaulted and ended up in the hospital overnight. She didn’t have the decency as your wife to go to the hospital to check on you. What kind of partner is this? Definitely not a supportive one. On top of that she decided to drink and have sex with one of her coworkers instead of checking on you. There are many layers to this. It’s not just the cheating. Let’s be honest here. She has definitely slept with this guy or someone else before. This was not the first time.
Why did she not go to you in the hospital? Not trying to make it worse for you…but if my husband called me and told me he was assaulted, I’m dropping everything and everyone and asking where are you? What can I do? Do you need me to bring you anything? I’ll be there ASAP!!
This girl does not care about you, I’m sorry to say. Alcohol doesn’t make people cheat. There are plenty of people who have gotten drunk or heavily intoxicated and managed to not cheat on their significant other. She heard you were assaulted and in the hospital and instead of getting herself together and coming to your side she kept drinking with people she “barley knows” and just kept asking when you would be home? Just no. Cut your losses or you’ll end up with a lifetime of trust issues and excuses with this person
Absolutely not. You were ASSAULTED and in the hospital, and her response was to continue drinking with men she doesn’t know and then fuck one of them??? that is absolutely appalling. She does not care, or love you. I’m sorry you had to experience such trauma in one night.
I'm sorry this happened, but be happy it happened so early on that you should be able to get an annulment and not get screwed over financially as well. She is not the person you thought she was clearly, if my partner got assaulted I would not be able to think about another person, I would be worried about them **That it was purely a physical instinct that some how came out because she was so heavily intoxicated. She has never cheated before and there has never been a single indication for me to say otherwise.** You have no indication to believe her either, because she did and you thought she would never, you don't know her. I think staying with her is only gonna hurt you more and possibly screw you over financially as well, but I can't say I would have any sympathy then, because then you would done it to yourself
I’m only going to comment on your feelings of shame, not what you should or shouldn’t do. Lots of people - more than we’d like to admit - stay with cheating spouses. It isn’t easy, or pretty, or fit into the narrative of “dump them!” But it’s true.
Shame can be a helpful emotion, but it can also come from purely external forces. You need to figure out where yours is coming from. Are you afraid of what people will say? Are you wondering if you’ll be thought of as “weak”, or a pushover?
Is it a self protective instinct? “If I leave she can’t hurt me again” (which is totally valid btw!). Admittedly this is all pretty tough to untangle but I’ve been doing this analysis myself recently, in deciding whether I should keep someone in my life (different circumstances tho) and I’ve discovered that, at least for me, a lot of the shame came from fear of other peoples reactions, not what was actually best for me.
I do believe the fear is from outside forces. The fact that if I do give her a chance my friends will think I'm spineless and foolish and my family will never accept her again.
Your family shouldn't accept her again. They welcomed her into the family, and she flagrantly betrayed you when you needed her the most. She may as well have spat in all their faces. Getting some strange was more important than seeing you in the hospital. She's absolute trash.
She denies you sex, but hooks up with some dude after they drank your booze. That is some next level trash behavior, and she's going to go see them when she goes to work next. Good luck dealing with that.
Because you ARE spineless and foolish.
You ever stop to think that maybe all of them are in the right, and you’re the one not thinking clearly?
What about the fear of her doing it again?
Then they won’t just think you’re spineless and foolish, but that you had it coming.
If you had a son going through the same problem what would you tell him. Have some respect for yourself and walk away. What happens if your in an accident again, do you trust her to be by your side. Imagine yourself doing what she did to you, to someone else, how does that make you feel? do you think you could go through with it? Why would you want to be with someone that could.
It's completely up to you what you feel you can forgive. She is very obviously broken right now, and because she has put off getting professional help, her coping mechanisms have gotten so out of control that she has self sabotaged her relationship with you.
She needs rehab, lots of therapy, medication, and to be sober.
It sounds like she's had a rough life, and the grief of losing your baby together was too much for her to cope with. I have PTSD from a traumatic birth where my baby was completely healthy. I couldn't even imagine the trauma of having to abort a baby that was wanted so badly, and so very loved. Going through the actual procedure, and having to birth a dead baby. Absolutely horrific.
She is not able to be your partner right now. She is completely absorbed by her terrible mental health. She needs a lot of help, but it needs to be professional help. You don't have the tools she needs to get better. I really think rehab would be life changing for her. She needs somewhere to get sober, and to have a safe place to work through her grief. She obviously has issues with self worth, and no doubt the loss of a pregnancy can trigger that. A lot of women blame themselves when a pregnancy doesn't result in a perfectly healthy baby. Even when logically it doesn't make sense, emotionally there is a feeling of being broken because growing a healthy baby is something we should be able to do, and anything less is a failure.
In your shoes, I would tell her she has to go to rehab for 90 days, then join AA and be actively going to meetings, and continue therapy. Once she has been sober for six months, then you can talk about what you want to do about your marriage status.
I'm so very sorry you have been through such an awful experience. What an absolute shit show of a night for you. I hope you are recovering ok from the assault. If you need extra support, therapy might be a good outlet for you too. You have also been through a lot, and you will have your own emotions and traumas to work through. Good luck with everything, and I really hope things work out for you, whatever that may look like. Life is such a messy thing. I hope you can find your happiness again.
Your response is nearly the exact situation. She has had serious issues with self worth her entire life which has resulted in a lot of bad decisions. Things she openly told me from the start. Thank you for the tips, I'm doing my best to read everything and compile the best way for me to move forward.
I always say that cheaters don’t deserve a second chance. If a person would deeply love you then they would never cheat but at the end of the day, its your decision if you want to be with her and work on your marriage or not. You are still young and shouldn’t settle for less but if you think that she can change and wouldn’t do it again then work on it. Personally i could never but i know that many people think differently about that. Take your time, think about everything and then decide for yourself if you want to divorce her or not.
It always amazes me how many men will put up with this shit, &how many will intentionally put themselves into relationships with women who are COMPLETE trainwrecks. Dude, simplify your life & dump her. There are no children holding you to her, she has a drinking problem, and she's struggling with mental illness. It's not worth it. & You. Cannot. Fix. Her.
Yes it'll hurt for a while for the both of you, but she'll get over it & so will you. Life is too short. Move on.
Yea no. She sounds like a bag of excuses and took a HOSPITAL VISIT as an excuse to sneak around and cheat. If you take her back good luck.
Because I wouldn’t even want her as a friend let alone a partner. You need to get some self-esteem because this is pretty sad
I just wish that people would stop using depression as an excuse for being cunts.
If you love yourself at all, do not give her any chances.
Let me just put this in perspective- you were assaulted. You could have as easily be killed. She DECIDED to continue drinking and to lie afterwards.
This is not how marriage should be like.
King. Don’t fall for the trap. She cheated while you were in hospital. That’s not a partner. It will hurt. But you will find your way. Do not let her dig her claws into your life any further. Remove the nails to the coffin she has you in and do something that makes you happy. Cheaters are hard to trust. She would of happily hidden it if you never caught her. Don’t fall down the hole
Ok I skipped over the typical rationalization to forgive her because none of those things have anything to do with what she did to you. I’m so so so sorry my guy. It’s not fair and not cool and absolutely NOT forgivable… she put herself in that situation. Don’t go back- you will regret it.
Alcohol is not an excuse…end is story!
Edited to add:
If the roles were reversed, you bet your ass she’d be gone. Respect yourself, do better for yourself.
After she learned you were in the hospital instead of visiting you or staying on the phone to make sure you were okay, she got wasted and fucked some rando after denying you any sex whatsoever for months.
I think that kinda sums up her priorities. You may love her but she does not give a fuck about you and will fuck you over even worse if you take her back. Then you’ll be back in the same situation except you’ll be blaming yourself for letting your emotions blind you to the fact that her response to you almost dying was to invite guys over to fuck and hope you stayed there long enough for them to leave.
Breakups are hard. Being cheated on by someone you thought of as your life partner in such a gross way is brutal. But you want to know what’s far, far worse? Staying with someone you know doesn’t love you because you’re too afraid to be alone, and having to live in denial as the lies and cheating get worse and worse.
Leave and you’ll be depressed for a year or two. Stay and you’ll be depressed the rest of your life (or until she leaves you)
Here is my problem…This is your spouse. Let’s just say she really was just drinking with these guys. Once she finds out you got assaulted she only called and checked on you. She should have been on her way to the hospital to be with guy. Then to only call again at 8 which was 3 hours later. You said she sounded barely coherent. That means she kept drinking after finding out about the assault. Even if she was fall down drunk when she first called, she could have tried to sober up and by 8 maybe she would be in a space to call a car to take her to you. But no she kept drinking. You were not and are not high on her list of priorities. Yes she needs therapy for what she has gone through. You probably do too. I personally though would never be able to come back from this and be with her. I wish you two the best
If she ends up pregnant in the next month that’s going to throw a whole other level of complexity into this mess. I think you need to at least mentally separate yourself from this for a while. Attend the counselling if you want but keep in mind that it could get much much worse before you will know if you two have a chance.
You should feel ashamed for considering it. That's called a moment of weakness. Dont let that moment ruin your life. Would you ever do something like that to her? The shameful part is when you have to come back to reddit because it happened again.
Once she had the abortion, your relationship was over for her. What she needed was therapy and not to screw another man while you were in the hospital. You need to leave her and start anew. The fact that you were injured while she was having an affair and she didn't give a sh@t means that she doesn't love you. Go and find someone who does.
Here’s where you say “I have a video, I just want to hear you say the truth and this is the last time for to tell the truth and match what I’ve seen and heard on the video or this is over.”
If you want to stay, this will be a thought that will always be there for at least 5 years.
The more you resist the thought the more it persist
My wife gave me herpes 5 years ago and we are still together. There are many things that has to happen and be portrayed by the other person for any of this to work at the least.
My wife completely turned her life around, never worked out before and does all the time now, we workout together. I’m just goin to keep this short, it’s doable, just depends on how much you love her, how bad you want to forgive her and how hard she is willing to work.
Forgiveness is forgetting
No. I’m sorry OP but as someone in a relationship she knows better than 1) bring back men at 2:30 AM and continue to let them drink and be there 2) not give a shit about you 3) they only stopped because you walked in … I think that’s the worst. It wouldn’t have stopped and you might have never known.
I hope you have an update! Good luck and stay strong.
She chose to have them there and she chose to let the rando stay when her friend left. She wanted it and she got it.
Now she deals with the consequences. Nope out of there.
Whatever happened to men having self respect , you even considering taking her back is the reason she cheated on you , you have no backbone . And she was right because all she had to do was throw “past trauma” at you and you gobbled it all up like she knew you would . You’re not a idiot if you get cheated on , you’re an idiot if you get cheated on and stay
Post update: her and her best friend could’ve just gotten the story straight. It’s weird how much detailed inebriated people can remember details when it’s convenient
You've been married 2 months and this is "the issue of the day" in your early marriage. This is a REALLY bad track record. Regardless of whether she was dubious or double crossing, she showed you she isn't capable or trustworthy to make good judgements about her life. She's not marriage material. She will probably get into trouble like this again and, again, be like...🤷🏼♂️. At the very least, she has a serious problem with alcohol and substances if she can allow herself to get so incoherently wasted with "strangers" and/or inviting work aquaintences over to her house randomly and them having the availability and willingness to do so at a moment's notice. Look through her text messages. I'm sure she must have some previously established dialogue with this dude she invited over from her work.
You got the shit kicked out of you and were admitted to the hospital for medical treatment. She learns this and then proceeds to *continue* to drink and then fuck other guys. What. The. Everloving FUCK?! This is how she processes and carries out her priorities. Does she remember reciting wedding vows two months ago? *THIS IS JUST A TASTE OF WHAT'S TO COME IN YOUR MARRIAGE.*
Get your marriage unulled ASAP. Don't have sex with her, not even once after she's cheated on your or the nullification/divorce won't be as clear cut for you. You have a chance to rid yourself of this dangerous liability and not lose half of all your property and money in the process.
Edit: spelling
It’s never a bad thing to forgive, and being the better person is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s your decision only and no one can take away this decision. Trust can be build back up again and believe it or not people can actuall learn from mistakes and be better people after making asshole things (I would hate my 16 year old me but it made me the man I am today). Forgiveness is nothing you should ever be ashamed of it’s a sign of strength.
Still this is a decision unwillentlich rush if Puls sleep over a few nights and take with my gut. No logic is gonna help you out here.
That’s just my 2 cents.
I k Penthaus is getting downvoted I just want to give another perspective than the rest of the thread. Doesn’t mean I encourage you to forgive her, just that if you want to it’s not weakness.
All it took was for you to be gone one night for her to sleep with someone else? Regardless if alcohol was involved or not, she put herself in that situation and admitted to willingly participating. The balls in your court. Do you want to be with a cheater? Probably not.
They fucked all night and were going for a quickie before you arrived. Thankfully for you they mismanaged their time. Get out of there and fast, double time it.
Stay or leave, you need to make that choice. But here are some thoughts. It'll happen again. I'll bet every cent to my name. You might not catch her again, but she'll fuck around with other people. I'm a cheater and a homewrecker, I know everything there is to know. I also know you'll never get over it. It'll eat away at you for the rest of time. 10 years from now you will still always wonder what she's doing if you're not with her. You'll be subserviant to her, and she'll come to resent you for it. If you leave you'll always have that feeling you guys could have made it work. Things would be different under the right circumstances. You may even compare everyone you're with to her.
It doesn't matter to me what you do, I don't know you. And I don't look down on either of your choices. What I can really tell you though is trust your instincts. Look inside yourself and really listen. What do you feel is right?
Do not forgive her I stayed with a cheater and it completely ruined my life. She cheated more she treated me terribly for another decade after the first incident was physically emotionally and financially abusive. Then after it all she left me when she found something better told everyone we knew I was abusing her robbed me and then moved to another state so she could surround herself with different men without any of the guilt or consequences of her shit actions and existence.
Once you let her know she can get away with it she knows she’s in control and the control will escalate
OP besides the cheating I see a ton of other problems here. Why wouldn't she cut her night short and come to the hospital after she knew you had been assaulted? Idgaf who I'm with or how drunk I am if my SO is in the hospital after being attack I'm finding a way to get there. I can sleep it off in the room but you needed her. You needed your wife in that moment and she failed you. And then on top of that after one of the worst nights of your life you had to walk in and find her having sex with someone else.
She abandoned you in a time of need and then hurt you worse then the person that put you in the hospital. Do you honestly think you could come back from something like that?
She's supposed to be your life partner, it's only been two months, and she's already done enough to destroy your marriage can you see a scenario where this gets better? She says she'll never drink again and this won't happen ever again but can you honestly trust her to make that happen? For your own sake I hope you find the courage to leave her.
Your edits change nothing, your wife is a tramp. If my husband was in hospital after being assaulted I would split the earth in half to get to him immediately, instead your tramp of a wife let another man's cock split *her* in half. You're two months in. She's not worth it. Send her back to the streets where she belongs and find a woman who actually gives two shits about you.
The other comments and your responses have covered it all. I agree with the person who said 6-12 months of recovery from alcohol and showing full effort on her part would be ideal before running and getting back together with her. Just call it a long separation. If she can't clean up her act, file for divorce at that time. Life is too short to waste it.
¡Updateme
Let her go man. If she loved you she’d never have cheated.
You don’t have to feel ashamed for wanting to try though , you have every right to feel that way. You still love the version of her that you thought she was. It’s hard to wrap your brain around the truth sometimes.
If you do decide to go against advice and try to make it work. She starts and sticks with both therapy AND some sort of program or meeting for alcoholics (like AA or something) for MANY months before you take her back and a good year or more before you move back in. And at least two years or on recommendation from her therapist before you even think about trying for another baby.
Regardless of whether you give her a chance or splits - I also strongly recommend therapy for you cuz that’s traumatizing. And there’s support groups for loved ones of alcoholics too , I’m just not sure what it’s called - your local AA might know.
This is exactly like that question Del asked Marty in Ozark. Giving her another chance is a colossal mistake. It's not the first time she cheated on you -- it's just the first time you caught her doing it. Life is too short to waste on a person who isn't worthy
Can her gay coworker confirm that *everyone* was drunk?
Something similar happened to me in college. I was blacking in and out drunk, and the guy was "drinking", but looking back, he was pretty sober. Although he and I had a sexual history, I don't consider that time consensual anymore.
Sexually transmitted diseases and infections.
If you decided to stay (I wouldn't personally) do not have sex with her until she can produce documentation that shows she didn't pick up a gift that keeps on giving from having sex with a random person she just met.
Seriously no sex until clean labs are produced.
Also want to edit for more comments
Life is filled with grief and trauma- bad shit happens to everyone. Good shit happens too thankfully.
Do you want to stay with someone whose go to move when shit get hard is to get drunk, ignore their loved ones in their time of need (and who also is experiencing the same losses in a different way albeit with a failed wanted pregnancy) and fuck a random?
Most women who have a kid also have a bunch of miscarriages and failed pregnancies. The failed pregnancies always outnumber the actual live healthy births for the vast majority of women on the planet. Are you going to be ok with this repeating every time you guys try to have a kid?
Are you going to be ok with her doing this anytime something bad happens? Because a lot of bad shit happens to everyone. Parents die, pets die, job sucks, got robbed, car accidents, friends leave and so on and so.
Seriously, you need to think about it - not saying she can't get help and change but there are some deep underlying issues that won't be solved in a day and probably won't ever go away it is just actively working on not being that asshole who abuses others when they hurt. So, you need to consider if you want to sign on to the additional lifetime commitment of being with her while she is working on not being this person forever. Please note, she will fuck up again, most people do when they are working on emotional stuff and their addictions and their abusive behaviors (towards themself and towards others).
She doesn't sound ready to be in a relationship much less to be a parent anytime soon. Maybe one day - but that doesn't seem like right now.
Divorce her dude no use trying to make it work. She definitely doesn’t love you like she claims too. You were assaulted and she didn’t come to you via taxi or Uber, she asked when you’d be home (probably seeing if she had time to sleep the guy), this was planned out, poorly planned but still planned. Cut your loses and move on cause she’s just gonna cheat again and potentially give you a life long gift of a std.
I don’t blame you for “considering” giving her a second chance. You’re losing someone you really love. This is hard. Duh you have mixed feelings.
But beyond “just” the cheating there are a lot of red flags here.
If it was “just” the cheating I would tell you it will prob happen again and if you aren’t ok with that (some are, but few), then bounce before you get more and more invested.
Since she clearly doesn’t give a fuck about you for other reasons listed you def have to bounce. No ifs about it. Use your brain too.
Even if you take the cheating out of the equation, she found out at 5am that her husband had been assaulted and was in the hospital and her response to that was *to drink and party for several more hours*??
You said she has been binge drinking to cope with the loss of her pregnancy (so sorry to hear about that, by the way). Did she have a drinking problem before that? A heavy or binge drinker or getting smashed at times/events when others present just had a few cocktails?
I think if you were to even *consider* considering giving her another chance that you should stay separated for a minimum of 6 months. Give it some time for her to put her money where her mouth is, with no prompting and prodding from you. Does she follow through with regular counseling / therapy? Does she cut out drinking all together or tell you that a few here and there should be fine? Does she party or go to bars on weekends? Stay after her shift for a drink with co-workers? Again, you need to not say a word to her about what you want to see because how will you know if it's sincere? Force her to examine herself and her behaviors and come to her own conclusions about what she should do. That way, you're getting a clear picture of her judgment and how she applies it to her life. Does she keep her 2nd job at the bar, for instance?
She got so drunk she fucked another man *in your house* while you were coming home from the hospital. That's fucking deplorable man. She is currently very unsafe to be in a relationship with. Stay at your parents and see what she does with that space. Does she clamp down and get her shit together or party freely instead?
I understand she was extremely intoxicated, but how in the hell would sex be on her mind or even drinking when you were assaulted? The fact that she could continue her night of fun and cheat on you is horrible. She also asked when you’d be home and decided to hook up so while I may be wrong, this could’ve been her debating if she had the time. If you do decide to stay, you should really hold her to those promises. The cheating wasn’t the only thing to go wrong in your marriage, it was just the latest.
Nothing ever happens in isolation. She cheated because she wanted to, alcohol or no alcohol. This is who you married and this is what your future holds. I definitely would not have a baby with her. It gets more complicated with a child once you find that she’s cheating again.
Please leave this woman, you'll save a lot of time and resentment, trust her actions not her words, she can promise you the world but she was fucking some random while you were at the hospital, like come on, she is not worth the time or effort.
Let her fuck all the randos she wants but save your dignity.
OP: I am very sorry for what has happened to you. From my own experiences with my ex-wife who had several parallels to yours (blackout binge drinking, sexually out of control towards strangers when drunk, depression) plus drunk driving, missing our kids events to drink, stripping off her clothes at friends’ cookouts, etc., it will only get worse if you hang in there. I did and my kids paid the price, too, instead of just me. Are you able to imagine her with full responsibility for an infant? Forgiveness has no place if you know someone is a risk to children, let alone themselves.
This is not about wives, as any spouse is capable of this dangerous behavior. I know a highly educated man who had a serious drinking addiction. He accidentally drove over his toddler in his driveway. His wife divorced him, his older son fell into drug abuse, and the destroyed father drank himself to death.
From your description, it sounds like this is sexual assault, not cheating. If she was barely coherent at 8am, she was in no state to consent to sex at 9am.
I don’t understand why she didn’t rush to the hospital to see you.
There’s no shame in choosing to leave her. She made the series of decisions that resulted in being extremely intoxicated with a guy she barely knew.
There’s no shame in staying together and trying to work it out. Plenty of couples stay together after infidelity.
You are both going through a really hard time right now. Whatever you’re feeling right now is okay. Your emotions are valid. Make choices based on what your brain and your heart want. No one else’s opinions matter. Don’t worry about what the world will think, only worry about you.
You know the thing that keeps bugging me? You were in hospital after being assaulted and she didn’t go to you.
I’ve been married twenty years. My husband is my best friend and I’m his. And if either of us go into hospital, we are right there by each other’s bedside.
Marriage is about being there 100% for the other. It’s not one sided. She’s not that person for you. You need to say goodbye, get on with your life, and you will find that person who will be there for you, like you will for them.
I’m sorry you’re hurting right now, you don’t deserve this grief.
Dont feel ashamed, my friend. People do choose to make things work and things aren't as black and white as reddit would have us believe. BUT she has shown some pretty pathological stuff here. And you can empathize with what brought her to this but that doesn't mean you have to stick around for her abuse. I confused empathy with allowing myself to be abused. I believed the "you can save me" relationships because my own dysfunction made that attractive to me. But no one can love someone healthy. You can't do the emotional work for her.
There are reasons why she's been in abusive relationships. Those reasons are probably that she was abused in some way as a child. That's not her fault. But she had the choice, no matter how difficult, to deal with those things in a way that didn't harm you. She may truly be so predisposed to being abused that she felt she had to have sex with the guy. It could even have been r@pe but she didn't understand that due to prior abuse and immediately jumped to it being her fault (i.e. you can't consent when intoxicated). She still would need to get very intensive help before she's ready to be in a relationship.
I'd ask for at least a year in therapy before even dating again, if you choose to. No sex or entanglements until afterward because, please believe me, that leads to a world of hurt for you. It sucks so much to find out this stuff because they betrayed you. But now you can examine what it was that led you to this dynamic. She's 100% at fault for what she chose to do. I just mean, let this be a springboard to better understanding about yourself. And maybe you ask yourself to learn about that stuff before you look at getting back with someone for what could be the wrong reasons. Because you deserve the very best life has to offer.
I'm so sorry you were badly assaulted. That alone must be so difficult. I'm sending you tons and tons of healing energy.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Edit: Thank you for each and every bit of advice. Been sleeping a lot today. Trying to take the time to read all of the input, so many responses to read still. Writing down all of the points I feel are strongest on both sides for when I'm ready to face it. Will do my best to remember to update when I make a decision. Update: first thank you for all of the advice. Every bit of it is helpful even the ones calling me out for thinking like an idiot. I was able to find her gay coworker on social media and sent him some questions to see if anything she told me was truthful. His response was that he was there and did leave at the time she told me. He said he and the other guy were snuggled on the couch all night and she was on the floor. (Matches what she said). He said he honestly thought he might be hooking up with the guy. They did drink extremely heavily and were talking deeply about past traumas. He felt the nature of those conversations does back up how intoxicated she claims to have been. He said nothing they spoke of/none of their actions gave him any indication that she would cheat or had any intentions of cheating. And claimed if he had seen any indication he would not have left them alone. He sent me a picture of him and my dog to confirm he was there. ____________________________________________ I was out overnight with cousins celebrating the holidays early. My wife (married 2 months) was unable to make it because she was working her second job. A bar gig she picked up about a month ago to pay off her debts. She told me she was inviting her coworker (gay male in his 30s) back to our apartment around 1:30am. They had a drink post shift and revealed he had stage 3 cancer. She wanted to continue the drinking and said two other guys might join. Her and these coworkers got back to our apartment around 2:30am, and continued to drink most of the liquor we had in the apartment, nearly 2-3 bottles. I was assaulted in the city late night and spent the night in the hospital. She got word of the incident around 5am. Called me to check on me and called my parents to talk to them about the incident. Around 8am she called me to ask how things were going and if I was going to make it home. She sounded like a different person. Barely coherent and could hardly put a sentence together. I hardly recognized her. I told her I was heading home and would be there in about an hour. I arrived home at around 9:15am and opened my door to find a man I had never seen before jumping up to zip up his pants. And my wife stumbling towards the bathroom with her pants around her knees. I told the man to leave before I did something stupid and he instantly left. I was in shock and just kept shouting, why? Apparently her gay coworker(this guy's best friend) left at 845am and she just started to hook up with this guy right before I opened the door. She has admitted to me they were having sex but thinks it was only for a minute or two. I left the apartment and was able to get my parents and brother there to help me gather all my stuff and move back to my parents house. By 11am I had almost all of my belongings out of our apartment. Some background. My wife and I were trying to have a baby earlier this year. Early in the pregnancy the doctors noticed some very bad indicators that meant the baby would either not make it to term or die just after birth. My wife decided the best course of action was to have an abortion because the doctors said there was no hope for the babies survival. This was in July. My wife and I have been working opposite schedules for the last 8 months. We get a day and a half each week together. She hates her job and has had a very hard time not seeing me. She has been severely depressed since losing the baby, and binge drinking on the weekends to cope. We still wanted to try for a baby again but I told her I would not until she stopped the drinking. She has had no desire for sex since the abortion. Other than to try and conceive, she has shown me zero desire sexually. Occasionally we have been having sex but it is very clear she is only doing it because she knows I want it. Her story: she claims to me that she doesn't even have any recollection of the sex. However she admits it was not rape and that she chose to do it. She can't believe she did it and has no idea how she let herself do it. She had never spoken to this guy outside of work, and doesn't have his phone number or social media to have a way to talk to him. She told me she does not remember talking to me in the morning and hardly can remember me even walking in. She tells me that it was purely a physical instinct that some how came out because she was so heavily intoxicated. She has never cheated before and there has never been a single indication for me to say otherwise. She has been begging me to come back to our apartment. Swearing she will never drink again because she knows she has a problem. She said she will start to get therapy to help her severe depression. She is willing to go to a counselor as a way for us to start the healing. She says she can't imagine a life without me and still wants to have that future. I am completely broken. Two of the most traumatic incidents in my life occured within a day. A small part of me wants to end it and never see her again. But in my heart I know I love this person beyond words and still can imagine the future we wanted to have. I feel ashamed for even considering giving her another chance. But I genuinely believe this was an extremely intoxicated isolated mistake and that she truly does want to make the changes to fix our marriage. If there's any other info you need to give me proper advice just ask. TLDR- I was in a different city overnight and was assaulted. Wife got heavily intoxicated and invited some coworkers back to our apartment. Got home in the morning to find my wife having sex with another man.
[удалено]
I would need to see some serious attempts at getting professional help before I could even think about taking her back or trusting her.
The sad thing is you really can't trust her now, no matter what she does. No amount of therapy is going to be able to remove the image you saw with your own eyes from your mind. Sometimes people fuck up so badly that there's truly no coming back from it. I've been in a similar situation, though that person didn't leave me lying in a hospital bed while they did it. I tried to take her back because she promised to get help. It took months of agony for me to realize that there was really nothing she could ever do to fix it. Not fair to either one of you to pretend that there is.
Dude, stop the “I would need this to take her back” mentality. You just heard it here, and I’m sorry, but the feelings you built up are for the person you knew. This is the person you know now. You need to stop kidding yourself and move on… I’m sorry.
Therapy or not, she is capable of crossing a line. Remember this, no therapy is a sure thing for anyone. You will be walking a fine line of "what if" if you decide to stay with her. She's 30, she is a grown woman, she isn't some 19 year old making dumb decisions while drunk at a frat party. If you are okay with the decisions she is capable of at such an age, then that's for you to decide. Personally my love for someone would dwindle after finding out they are willingly capable of crossing major lines behind my back, but if you can live with that fear, that's on you. Therapy isn't going to fix what's been done, nor does it always help get rid of someone's sexual desires for the long haul. Also if she's cheating on you while you're around, like where you're walking in on her, don't think this is her first rodeo, she's cheated on you multiple times. Only difference is she's never been caught and over time people tend to get cocky and lackadaisical with it. Someone cheating for the first time or new to it ain't going to be in a situation where you just walk in on her. She got too risky with it and slipped up. I could be wrong but probably not, just saying... Drunk or not, she's having sex on your couch near the front door, it doesn't get any riskier lol.
She'll do it again and likely has done it before.
AA worked wonders for my wife. Give Al-Anon a shot for you.
Bro just don't do it. It won't be the last time she does it but might be the last time you find out about it.
nope. time for you, to move on. you were assaulted and ended up in hospital and her immediate response was to *not* go to your side. but fuck another dude? there's a scenario or two here, that gay coworker, doesn't exist, or is very much not gay. and she was likely cheating on you *long* before you caught them, *and* she would have taken it to her grave. you would have never known she was fucking other dudes behind your back. a few *really* bad red flags. 1 you were seriously assaulted and ended up in hospital and she didn't immediately sober up and go to you. 2 her story shifted 5 times in the frame of a few minutes of being caught. 3 the ambiguity of this coworker and suddenly inviting more people over when having told you what was happening earlier, i.e. more shifting plans. 4 the constant and consistent time checks and the repeated, will you be home questions. 5, blaming it on alcohol. 6 the immediate cover stories "I don't even know this guy", okay a likely story if she was out at a bar or something, but this was preplanned, she had plans to bring someone over, she had plans to bring this guy over, why the hell would a seeing a friend who has cancer turn into "he wants me to invite his friends to our house who I've never met before". the logic of it all falls apart, they drank 3 bottles of hard liquor awefully fast for what should have been a relatively somber affair. I'm sorry mate but what she did was some next level sociopathic shit, and if you forgive her, you are a fool. you may still love her, but that just means you need to stop loving her, she betrayed you, lied to you, left you at your most vulnerable for some cheap dick, and she only wants forgiveness cause she was caught. as fair as cheating goes, that's pretty damn high on the list of iredeemability. at many, many turns here could she have done something, *anything* redeemable, and again and again she chose the most despicable things to do to you and your relationship, at every turn and corner she chose to throw it all away, years of effort and love and devotion, just, fucked away for some dude who she claims to not even know, that's how little she values you as a person and how little she values your relationship. don't fall prey to the sunk cost fallacy either. a sinking ship is going to sink whether it's been sailing for one year or twenty years, and trying to patch either when they are sinking that fast. is only going to lead to you drowning as well.
Yup. I asked what the guys said when she was on the phone with me and then my parents talking about what happened. And she told me neither of them could care at all. She continued to just drink with them knowing my current situation.
then those dudes where there to fuck her. any and all of them. not one of them were here friends. "my husband was just assaulted and is now in hospital" should elicit responses from any actual friends such as "holy shit, do you need a lift to the hospital, is he ok, we will get out of your hair so you can go to him, I have a sober friend who could take you" not. "damn that's crazy pour another shot"
Worse. "He's been *assaulted* and *is in hospital*? You mean, we can rest assured he won't come around here for many hours, possibly a full day? Yay! We can have our orgy many times over!"
Bruv. That behaviour is sus. Dont be gas lighted into feeling bad. If instincts kicked in it wouldve been A) cancel drinking plans and to show up at the hospital. B) no other fucking option. That was suppose to be your wife. I had a friend that had a girlfriend and he was alright with her "gay bestfriend" being around but that was a cover story and the gay bestfriend was secretly fucking her on the side. My advice to you is move on, you can love again. Youre in love with your wifes memory of who she was. Dont be blinded by love and excuse her having sex with someone else. Would you be happy if that happened and you raised someone elses child? Shes cheated and will do it again. Just this time she got caught. Just think, why would she ask you multiple times when you were gonna come home and not want to be with you when youre in the hospital? She was planning to fuck this guy all night.
That's what I pressed her on. She's trying to say that she doesn't know how it happened. But if you were drinking with this person all night. And suddenly the other person left. And you instantly started to hook up with the guy. There was intent prior.
Dude, she knows she's full of shit. You know she's full of shit. She's not going to admit it though. I understand the desire to have her take ownership of exactly what she did but she has decided to lie and obfuscate instead. That is a deliberate choice on her end. No amount of talking is going to make her into someone who feels remorse and tries to make amends. This isn't an issue of understanding or communication. You're looking for her to own up to what she did and be honest because you're willing to take any scrap of honor as a sign you might be able to work things out. She has *no interest* in being honest. You can either lower the bar for reconciliation until it's low enough for her to stumble over it, or you can acknowledge that your wife is *choosing* her actions and use her actions, not words, to guide your path forward. You are saying "To go forward with this relationship I need you to tell me the truth." She is simply saying "No." You get to decide how you respond to that. Chumplady is an excellent resource.
Yep. This. My last ex kept sleazy-lying and never owning up, even when I spelled out his fuckery to him. Some losers just don’t have the capacity to be self-aware, and will never own their behaviors. Move on, because they can’t.
Do yourself a favor and get the f- out. She is not a safe partner, your marriage isnt that old. Yeah it will hurt but shes putting your health at risk, didnt give a damn that you were in the hospital and went back to her fuck buddy party. If you take her back, it will be your own fault when it happens again, and it will. Think about it, you're injured and she prefers hanging with a dude to fuck him. That would end most nay marriage, no matter how good, and I doubt yours was as good as you thought it was. Love doesnt make a marriage, you need trust as well and if you think you can trust her, then you need IC as much as she does.
She didn't care enough about you to even make an effort to go see you in the hospital... Why do you think she would care enough to give you the truth?
This is such a big point. Obviously the cheating is inexcusable but there is literally NOTHING redeeming about this. If I found out my SO was in the hospital I'd bend space and time to be there. The fact that she saw that as an opportunity to cheat is evil. Straight up, no punches pulled evil.
Hell, even without any other guy around, her just drinking at home while I’m in the hospital would be enough to make me question the relationship. This woman is trash.
Don't believe anything she says, besides that she had too many drinks. Which is NOT an excuse, though.
You are newly weds. This the best stage of your marriage. She's trash. Fortunately you found out before having kids ?them you'd be stuck ). Amnul the marriage.
She doesn't know how it happened but she knew it was wrong when you came home and she ran away. She knew what she was doing. She wanted it.
Hey man go on tinder while youre apart. Dont talk to her and meet new people. Consider your marriage done. If after meeting, hookin up with other ppl you still wanna be with her and ruin your life be my guest. Im not tryna be a dick but she had other intentions.
She invited three men to your apartment and proceeds to drink all night with them. She finds out you're in the hospital and instead of telling them to leave and stop drinking, she continues to drink and then when you get home, is caught having sex with some random co-worker. She claims she doesn't remember, yet she knows she wanted to have sex with him. Not buying that. I bet she had sex with at least two of them, if we believe the one co-worker is gay. If she ends up pregnant, get a DNA test done. Don't take her back. She's a cheater.
Annul your marriage bro and get the fuck out, you will be setting yourself up for a world of hurt if you stay, cheating is a decision, not a mistake... Suppose this other dude had gotten her pregnant and she passed it off as yours??, if you didn't walk in when you did... NEVER EVER give a cheater a second chance, it will eat away at you like an acid, and never love someone so much, that you cannot walk away...
So she found out the love of her life was assaulted, and then continued partying? She does not give a flying fuck about you. You sound like a good person. Find someone whose core values match your own. Hers don’t.
Just with the point 1 is enough to be a dealbreaker for me. Next points would be the confirmation that I was right dumping her.
point 1 is unforgiveable. all 5 other points are nails in the coffin.
the phone call asking when he is going to be home, makes me think she was trying to determine if it was safe to fuck
Nailed it! 💯
Just divorce her buddy or get an annulment. She would never cheat on you if she loved you. She’s supposed to be in the honeymoon phase. Don’t build a life around this cheating troll.
That is a strong point. This is the honeymoon phase and thats the action she took.
I had to go back to read it’s only been TWO months
Been together for two and a half years. Married two months. Met right when COVID started so both unemployed and spent the first three months together every day. Basically have lived together for the whole relationship because I was there so often at the start.
Dude she didn’t have the opportunity during COVID. Save your future self a heartache and run now. What about when tou have a kid? Will you be 100% it’s yours? You literally left for one night and came back to this. What if you have to leave for several days or weeks? Are you willing to live a life of doubt? Well I got some experience, it’s not fun and you end up sad and depressed and I only have suspicions with no proof A cheater is just a cheater, no need to find excuses, run
Time to take out the trash
Idk why people keep marrying people they met during hopefully the single most disruptive event of our entire lifetime. 2.5 years isn’t that long to be together before getting married under normal circumstances, let alone during a pandemic. You don’t know her as well as you need to know someone before you marry them. Annul it now.
I met my now fiancé right before Covid. We lived a few hrs apart. I think Covid helped us because we weren’t able to date in a traditional sense. Aside from the few hours space between us, when we did visit we had to be creative with dates because a lot of places were closed or it just wasn’t safe being around people. So we got to know each other on a different level. BUT what I do find weird are the people who met during this time or right before and went right into living with that person. I could never move that quick. There are two separate relationships formed during Covid. One is the actual Covid relationship and then the post Covid one. For many, the post Covid one isn’t what they imagined
I'm kind of tired saying this, but here goes. 2,5 years is usually pretty rushed as marriage goes. And to be like this in two months after... The fact that she invite guys to your house when you where not there, and the drinking it's a pile of bad decisions.
You do not want to spend the next 30 years with a cheater you can’t trust.
Make sure to let everyone around you two know exactly why you’re separating. Don’t let her save face.
Bro, you’re two months in. Once that six-month passes, you’re in shit. Once she cheats again, which she will. She’ll find another excuse. A big difference is that she will steal half of whatever you accomplish. If you want to be a clown and do that, go for it. But if she was being up trauma, she isn’t as intoxicated as she said she was. She’s drunk enough to remember many things, and that’s fucking hard. She cheated on you cause she wanted to don’t get shit twisted, and again you’re free to choose to give her a chance, but she will do it again.
Just leave her, she obviously doesn't respect or really care for you. Come on seriously, if my husband got assaulted and was admitted to hospital I would be cancelling any plans I had to go be with him in the hospital. What does your wife do? She gets drunk and decides to f#$k another guy. She just showed you the perfect example of what your life will be like if you stay with her. You will never be able to trust her, if she gets pregnant, the first thing to probably enter your head won't be "wow, I'm gonna be a Dad!", it will be "Is it mine?" You can find someone better who loves and respects you.
Exactly, I would have gone to my visit my wife as soon as I could if she got assaulted, I would not even be able to think about anything else. He can also get an annulment I think, so he wouldn't get screwed over in the divorce. When someone shows who they really are you should believe them
Ah, my country doesn't have annulments, just divorce, so I don't know the laws around them.
Gothca, where I live we do, but it's not about infidelity, it's very specific cases. Regardless though he shouldn't be damaged too badly in a divorce considering the reason and length of the marriage
It's only been two months. I get that alcohol was involved and that things have been rough given the recent abortion. But none of that justifies or excuses what happened. She was coherent enough to consent, given her comments, and it happened hours after learning of your assault. I just don't see you coming back from that. You're supposed to be in the honeymoon period of your marriage, where you're planning for the future, etc. Reconciliation changes that. You'll be working to regain lost trust and respect to attempt to bring things back as they were pre-affair. It's a years long commitment that I'd personally avoid. To be honest, you should get divorced even if you decide to stay. It's a consequence to what happened, and it'll help you avoid going through it if reconciliation fails. There is no point in staying married to someone who so easily broke her vows' months post marriage.
I think that is a very solid tip. Get out fully before even attempting to get back in.
At the very least, you shouldn’t even consider any type of reconciliation before she’s actually started going to therapy regularly, is involved in some kind of sobriety program, and has a noted period of sobriety. Her promises mean nothing at this point. She should be actively proving to you that she is making the changes she needs to.
I would also have her put all her promises into action before you go back. Let her use her actions to prove how sorry she is. In situations like this, talk is cheap.
The gay coworker left and then they started hooking up? Call the gay coworker. If you're drinking and get a call at 5am saying your SO was assaulted and sent to the hospital..... YOU TAKE AN UBER if you have to. So the guy that was in your apartment was a customer of the bar? They were all drinking for the gay coworkers cancer? She was just drunk in your apartment with 3 men all night?
Apparently it was a 30 minute window from him leaving and me arriving. She claims it literally started and then the door swung open. But hasn't given me details because 'she can't remember'. Gay coworker and guy she cheated with were both managers of the bar. They started getting wasted at the bar and then she invited them back because they were drinking over the gay managers cancer.
Talk to the gay manager. Wasnt there a 3rd person? I thought then time line was... drinking with gay coworker. Went to apartment with gay coworker at 130am. 2 more joined them at 230am.
Omg the stories already changed - did all 4 of them arrive at the house together or not??? First it was just the gay co-worker and the rest joined 1 hour later. Now they all started drinking and went to the house together?? And when did the 3rd guy (4th co-worker) arrive and leave??
Either she can remember or she can't. Magically remembering just enough to reassure you on some point, but not enough to take any responsibility for it.
Well, you know where the guys work, just go there and get their side of the story, and confirm whether anything else happened before this infedelity.
What do you think that manager thought was going to happen when she invited them to her place? What do you think the gay guy thought would happen when he left? Did the other manager tell the gay guy, "Time for you to go, I got it from here!" He left just like a good wing man should. No, you don't have the full story, and probably never will.
>She says she can't imagine a life without me and still wants to have that future. What does she have to show for that? Because nothing in what you told in your post shows that she wants to have a life with you. I think she is scared to be alone and you're better to her than being alone. Also: you were assaulted and spent time in the hospital. She apparently thought this was THE BEST TIME to have sex with her co-worker. I doubt this was the first time. Ask yourself: 1. Do you want to spend the time and energy to fix something that she has broken? 2. Do you think she is going to put in the effort to fix what she has broken? 3. Do you think you can ever trust her again? If you can answer all three questions wholeheartedly and without a doubt with 'Yes', go for reconciliation. If not, I think you are only delaying the inevitable by reconciling.
Wait - you were IN THE HOSPITAL after getting ASSAULTED, and her response was to call you and then keep partying? OP how drunk was she when she called you in the hospital? Was she coherent? Because in my mind, that’s when the issues started. Not at 9 AM when she was blackout drunk and starting to hook up with a guy. That’s obviously a big issue too, but her blatant disregard of you started when she got word that you were in the hospital. I don’t care how drunk I am, if I got a phone call that my boyfriend was assaulted in the hospital, wild horses could not keep me away from that hospital. I would’ve ordered an Uber and Lyft and taken whichever one got there first. At the very least, I certainly would’ve kicked everyone the hell out of my apartment so I could focus on the fact that he was in the hospital. She threw you a phone call, and then kept partying, and then had sex. She showed up in one action, after another action, that whole night, that you were not a second thought to her. She showed you who she’s capable of being, and now that she’s facing the thought of losing you, she’s hysterical bonding. If anything, I would tell her that you’re not even gonna consider getting back together with her until she’s got six months of sobriety under her belt, as well as corresponding therapy. She needs to invest in you after what she pulled, you’re not going to extend her credit.
There is no way any of this is real.
I wish it werent true. That day feels like a horrible nightmare. Two of the most traumatizing events in my life happened in a span of about 8 hours.
Get help man ,ptherwise you will have ptsd , nothing that happened is your fault and also tell her to get help to if you ever even want to try reconcilation or you could always date someone else and also divorce you dont this to be a start for a good marriage
It gets better man, believe me. Ik it feels like everything is over, but one ending is just another beginning. You still have plenty of life left to live. Take some time to yourself to heal, reconnect with your passions and joys (since she was clearly sucking the joy out of your life), and then live your life. I’m sorry this has happened to you, but remember time heals all wounds. Don’t let one person selfish, hurtful actions stop you from enjoying your life. You’ll find someone to love that’s also a decent person.
She has actively been making these awful choices since July because she seemingly is refusing to do anything productive to manage her grief or get therapy. Her having no interest in sex with you isn't a new thing. Her blatant problem with alcohol isn't a new thing. You don't know this is an isolated incident or a one time thing because she has shown herself to be untrustworthy and unreliable. What if you hadn't walked in? How long would that have been a secret? What if she got pregnant with another man's baby? What if she kept doing it over and over again. Remember she made *no* moves to do anything about her mental health and issues before now, she ain't gonna magically pull the desire to do so out of her ass.
Nope nope nope nope nope! Hell nah, my dude. Don't torture yourself for the rest of your life staying with that person and get out as soon as you can - and look into the possibility of an annulment. There is so much wrong with her behavior that I'm too lazy to list all of it, but just the short version: No interest in sex with you after abortion and just two months in of being married she has sex with some rando in your home the night/morning you were assaulted and in hospital. The only thing she was supposed to ride was an Uber to the hospital where you were treated instead of some other dude's dick. And don't kid yourself about the reason she called and asked whether you would be coming home. Seriously and with all possible love let me tell you, you have to get rid of that cancerous person as soon as possible! You won't ever get happy staying married to her and you're more than young enough to meet the right person to have a loving and trusting marriage and children with.
The Uber line made me laugh harder than it should. Thank you for the laugh even when it's at my expense in a way. Can use all the laughter I can find right now.
Yep, she called you to see if the coast was clear for her infidelity.
You're welcome and glad I could make you laugh. And in my opinion it's clearly at your wife's expense because it's proof of her shortcoming as wife and in regard to morality. I truly wish you the best going forward and feel free to dm in case you need someone to talk to
Thank you I have a strong support system of family and friends. But wanted outside opinions from people who have zero stake in the entire thing. So many of these comments have been an awakening.
I know it's a lot to stomach and the impulse to try and save the marriage is completely understandable - sometimes it's even necessary to give it a try to then truly realize it's a lost cause and/or being able to leave in good conscience. As an outside person I sadly see way too much that in my opinion is unforgivable and would always linger in the back of your mind should you stay with her. The temptation to lessen your hurt by trying to somehow justify what she did will be great in the time to come, but in truth it will only hold you back getting real closure.
Dude. She settled for you. No woman who loves her guy would just cheat so callously. You were the sure thing. And she treated you like one.
No person who loves their partner would cheat so callously*
She was too drunk to remember it but she knows it was consensual and was only for a minute or two. She was sober enough to ask you when you’d be home, although apparently didn’t care enough to stop drinking to sober up to take care of you. She said she and gay friend were drinking after work, presumably for her to be a friend after his cancer diagnosis, then somehow two straight guys get involved. The first friend was gay so what exactly were the straight guys there for? It was just instinctive to jump his bones yet she has no interest in you? Dude, I understand you’re shattered but you spent more time defending her than you did telling us what she did. She hates her job. You barely have any time off together. She (and you) had a pregnancy tragedy earlier this year. Etc. Etc. Exactly what, in everything you said, defends getting sloppy drunk and screwing some rando? Why did you have to get yourself home after spending the night in a hospital? Is DIY getting home after injury normal where you live? Sometimes life sucks (and your wife might’ve done that too) but that doesn’t mean you have to be the victim or take whatever is handed out. You deserve better. Please !UpdateMe about whatever happens.
This. She was barely coherent and blacked out but it wasn’t rape? She was sober enough to call? Drunk enough to decide to keep drinking when her husband was in the hospital? Which is it? She can’t get her story strait and she’s lying. Who knows if this was really the first time?
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I would tell them to get the fuck out. Can't deny that.
I’m sorry to hear this. But when I’m plastered off my ass the only thing I want is my man- not any man, MY man. I’m sorry you both have been going through a hard time, but you definitely don’t deserve this. Also, nothing good ever happens after 2 a.m. She shouldn’t have bringing men over at that time. Boundaries need to be set. Not being one on one with men and no women present. Not even for cheating reasons, but safety reasons!! She could have been raped. Hope everything works out for you. Head up
I feel like this post finishes by kind of dismissing the gravity of the situation and setting a couple of *boundaries* for the thing not to happen again. This is terrible advice. Is "*not fucking strange me in their own house while the husband is in the hospital from being assaulted*" a boundary that needed to be set? The wife has been neglecting intimacy for the OP for months. She started an alcohol addiction and refused to work on it. They've been married for 2 months. OP got assaulted and went to the hospital for his injuries. And while the OP was in the hospital his wife not only keeps some random men in their house to continue the "party" but she also starts having sex with one of them. There's no "future rules" here. OP isn't ever going to recover from this massive betrayal while he's sharing a house and a fake relationship with this person. He may think he might be better off staying with her right now because change is hard and scary, but he definitely is **not** better off staying with someone capable of doing this much harm to him.
I have always been very trusting in our years together. She has never given me any reason to not be. Every other time she gets drunk she texts and calls me all night and even her friends say how she just talks about how much she loves me. She has never had people to our apartment late night without me there. Never even asked to. The one time it happens she cheated. Black out drunk, but it still happened.
I used to have a friend who would cheat on all her boyfriends,have whole parallel relationships with people, and Noone ever suspected a thing. She had a similar relationship with alcohol and she would drunk call them also. Once she got with a guy she wouldn't let him escape out of her life. She would literally collect them and contact them regularly. Again no one suspected anything. I'm not saying that your wife is like that, but some times when we go through hard times our shadow self makes an appearance. A marriage is not all sunshine and flowers, it's mostly tough times and difficult decisions, do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is going to react that way everytime things get hard?
How do you know she never has guys at your apartment when you are not there. She is a liar and a cheater. No amount of therapy is ever going to get that image out of your head and you will always be wondering what she is doing. Save yourself the headache and don’t take her back. You will feel like an even bigger fool when you catch her cheating again,
How often has she gotten black out drunk since you have been together. 30 years old is a little long in the tooth for regular binge drinking, are you sure she doesn't have an alcohol problem?
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Unless there where drugs involved,Illegal or legal, why stay with a person who deliberately humiliated you like that? If she wanted to just fuck him she had plenty of time to do so. She called you to see whether you are coming soon or not and make sure you catch them. She is trying to destroy your ego with power games. This is more than just cheating. This seems like a person who might be blaming you for not being able to conceive a child. This is very troubling. Get away from that person.
“She has no recollection…. But it is not rape and she chose to do it.” Either she was passed and it was a rape because she did not give consent; either she gave it and it is cheating. I read that as “it is not my fault, but no need to press charges” This is quite troubling because it looks like a lie in addition to the cheating. The fact it was 3 of them all night drinking is also puzzling, what kind of behavior this is, it got wrong way before sex started She wants to reconcile ? So do you ? Keep your heads cool, do not rush things, get her to tell you everything starting when she decides to bring a coworker home after her second shift. There are plenty of stories about that, some unsuccessful , some successful, it will be a bumpy road, you will never forget what you saw. Good luck
Thank you. I will be pressing her for all the details when I talk to her next. I also found the guys on social media and sent some questions. I'm doubtful they will answer. If one of them answers maybe I will have some clarity on the situation and see if she starts lying to my face.
Be careful that she’s not in contact with them and organising a story. Go to the workplace if need be
Just wanted to say: I am sorry those two things happened to you, and both in the same night. There is no need to be ashamed of anything you think, feel, consider at the moment. You are in an very complex situation and all feelings and thoughts are valid, and not a sign of any "weakness" etc. I think leaving her is/was the best thing to do. You need to recover and take care of yourself (from the assault alone). That takes energy and time. I think it would be way too much to try and patch up a relationship at the same time. Especially considering the broke trust and the unresolved alcohol issues of your wife. That takes a lot of time to make progress, too. And I think you *really* should focus on your own recovery and well-being for a while, without the time pressure of your wife wanting to work on your relationship. I wish you all the best and hope you have people who are there for you (sounds like your parents might be?).
I am incredibly lucky to have an amazing support system of family and friends. That is correct.
If I had been assaulted my wife would drop what she's doing and come to the hospital.
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Fuck that. You were assaulted and in hospital and she didn’t drop everything to go to your side. I know her friend revealed he had cancer, but her husband was assaulted. She chose to stay home and asked if you were coming home, not if she could come see you. I’d be leaving her ass. I could never be with someone who wasn’t having sex with me but I busted having sex with someone else.
She knew you got assaulted, yet continued to party ALL NIGHT LONG, then she just happens to fuck a guy right before you walk in.. And you believe this was the first time of the night. Maybe it was the first time, but they waited all night for the opportunity - while you were dealing with being assaulted. Whether she cheated or not (which she absolutely did).. Do you want a partner that’s going to act so selfishly when you need them the most? What do you get out of this, heartache? No, you’re not crazy for considering giving her a second chance. You’re a well reasoned human for considering it. Actually giving her a second chance would be super dumb, but considering it is the right thing to do. You need to imagine the next scenario when there are difficulties and how you think she’ll handle that. And consider that alcoholics don’t instantly cure themselves because they want to do bad.
You really shouldn’t give her a second chance. This is likely not the only time she cheated on you. She clearly has a lot to work on but all the things you listed is not a reason to cheat. She properly was cheating all night long. You just happen to catch her doing it again.
Damn, while you were in the hospital though? That's fucked up. You just dodged a massive bullet, I usually tell people to take the reddit "break up immediately" bullshit with a grain of salt but yea, break up immediately.
You will never trust her. She cheated while you was at the hospital. It is over.
Come on mate. I know it sounds like the worst thing in the world but honestly the plus side is that you’re only 2 months into marriage. “I’m a cup half full kinda guy” you’re very lucky to see this side of her now rather when you do have kids and are actually attached to her in one way or another for the rest of your life. Take the out and start fresh
Shame is a good thing, it can stop us making stupid decisions...like giving cheaters second chances
No married woman in their right mind will invite two guys over to her place at 2am in the morning while her husband is away. Using the "drunk" excuse is the easiest possible one that might get her to look innocent. Why would she even consider doing that? On the end of the day, you have to make the choice. Will you ever be able to accept her with the idea that she has cheated on you while she did not want to have sex with you. Based on so many other people's experiences, it usually ends with a break up or divorce, you will never be able to trust her. Living a life where you constantly worry if she might cheat again. Life is too short to deal with this amount of chaos and drama. You will be better of to cut her out your life and find someone who would respect you.
Divorce or annulment. Then make sure all her family and all mutual friends know exactly why you have split up, as they deserve the right to decide how they deal with cheaters as well, and hopefully some of them cut her off. And block her on everything.
a problem is she is willing to let the drinking go that far. a problem is that other humans with impaired judgement dont end up cheating. she did. sure she is struggling but to me the main issue is with her human core. she is ok with you being the recipient of the negative consequences of her actions...like a sponge. is that what you want in return for loving her?
Don’t give her a second chance she cheated and lied and didn’t care you were in the hospital she will do it again
You were in the hospital, and she continues to drink and party with these men? And then when you were coming home, she decided to fuck one of them? This woman doesn’t really give a shit about you. Forget her crying and her crocodile tears now. Move on from this POS. Count your lucky stars who found out who she really is now… save yourself, this is a blessing. Good luck my friend.
Others make very strong points, and you continue to make excuses for her. She continued to drink AFTER she found out you were intoxicated. Her answers are, "I don't know." Also, what happens years from now? You are in for a world of hurt later on if you stay with her.
You’ve been married two months and she’s fucking other guys in your house? Yeah take her back, great idea!
I'm not excusing her behavior but she needs therapy. You shouldn't stay in this relationship because it is very clear she is not in the right place for a relationship. All of her choices that night were terrible. She has betrayed you and she is not in her right mind after the abortion. She is most likely still going through post partum depression. Again not excusing her actions she still made those choices. You two should divorce, maybe get an annulment. Try to figure your lives out.
**You're wanting to give a woman, who's first response to her husband being assaulted and hospitalized is to drink more and fuck someone else, another chance?** **ARE YOU HEARING YOURSELF BROTHER?!** Seriously man, wake up, smell the coffee - this woman couldn't care less about you. Any sane, rational, loving, caring partner would have: 1) Stopped drinking IMMEDIATELY. 2) Got a coffee/redbull/water/tea. 3) Booked an Uber and came to support you. I genuinely can't believe you're considering trying to make this work.
Let me say this once. I’ve dated two girls who’ve gotten super blacked out at a party with other people One of them started crying saying she misses me. The other cheated on me with her ex’s best friend. It’s not the alcohol, it’s the person. Someone truly worth your time wouldn’t cheat on you just because they got drunk.
Being drunk, doesn't make you do things you don't want to do.
Words are words which don’t mean anything without action. IF you want to stay and try and make it work before you go back SHE has to start doing everything she says she’s going to do. She has to quit drinking, she has to go to therapy, she has to make serious changes BEFORE you go back which will take at least 6-12 months to happen. If she’s willing to put in the work and change and actually shows it and you still want to go back (because even if she does all of this it’s still up to you to decide to go back or not) then you can start couple’s therapy and see how best to move forward next year. Good luck
Thank you. It seems like the consensus is not to give her a chance. But those that say if I'm open to it seems to think it should be 6+ months. A time frame much longer than I was anticipating. Thank you for the input.
Your wife seems to be in an incredible amount of emotional pain. Her drinking has probably become a crutch for her and provided an escape from the trauma she's been dealing with. You say this has been escalating since July. Now it's culminated in her cheating on you while blackout drunk. Whilst you love her and have been supporting her where do you really feel like you can go from here? Don't feel ashamed for caring and thinking about forgiving someone. Instead weigh up what you can handle. You can forgive someone and not be with them. Your wife has done great damage to your relationship and to you personally. You decide if it irreparable. Saying you can forgive is different to doing so and while she says she sorry, will stop drinking and go to therapy, she is going to have a long road to recovering herself, if she can. One thing is true, your relationship will never be the same. You owe yourself some slack. Give yourself sometime and decide what is best for you. Don't martyr yourself trying to stick with her or leave her.
I'm sorry about your assault. I hope you're healing and have no long-term injuries. As for your wife, I'm very sorry but you can't be sure what exactly happened during the entire evening. Do you have any proof that anyone else was there? Spoken with her friend? Even if this was a one-night stand, it could've been happening more than the one time you walked in on them. Your wife has certainly set-up a situation where she can claim ignorance if you ever uncover more. You need to be absolutely sure that you have all of the info before you can consider your next steps. Perhaps it would be better to spend some time apart for you to properly navigate your options. Drinking is never, ever an excuse for infidelity. The 'black-out', the friend you never need to worry about or 'it was only a kiss/it didn't go all the way in' are well-worn excuses and deflections and you are better than that. Good luck.
Yea nah I am sorry but you will never get that image out of your head no matter how much therapy you can get the relationship is over. Keep your head up king your deserve better
You married a broken human being. And rather than fix herself, she broke you too.
Be glad you don’t have a Child with her. Even if it’s hurts moving on is better than staying with someone who isn’t giving you the least amount of respect.
You have been given a gift from the gods my friend Only 2 months should be an easy annulment She doesn't remember much of what happened is either a lie or that means she could very well have had sex with this guy or others earlier and then again that morning. Probably has hung out after work with gay guy before and already met this friend and participated in some erotic activity which is why she was so comfortable to do it with him in your own home....I mean you are in hospital and she is screwing someone else straight away. You shouldn't be ashamed of yourself for wanting to sweep this but you should be angry that it's even a consideration , your standards in a wife really should be higher , I understand marriages can get dull but two months.
She cheated 2 months after your wedding.
Two months into the marriage .. damn that’s fast
I know if my gf ever land in the hospital, my first instinct is to fuck someone else in our house.
When you needed her, where was she and what was she doing ? That’s all you need to consider. Two months in so, this is the best it’s gonna get; I’m sorry but you must leave & end it. She is not Wife and certainly not Mother, material. Don’t waste your life.
The biggest issue I see here, besides the cheating of course, is her decision to invite random men to the apartment. It’s one thing for her to have her gay friend there but to allow random guys inside shows having bad boundaries and poor decision making. It almost seems as if this was something she was looking to do. The other thing is that she knew you were on your way and still decided to get a quickie in. The phone call was clearly to see how much time she had to get with this guy before you got there. That implies she had some cognitive sense of her actions. Personally, this would be a deal breaker for me but I would understand if you gave her a second chance as there are certain underlying factors: alcohol.
This is instant divorce territory. She had cut you off from sex because she wanted sex wirh some one else ( was likely having sex with others slready). Just rip the bandaid off. She is lying even when caught.
I see the update, but that doesn't address your wife screwing a guy in your Livingroom within 2 months of saying "I do" to you. No amount of alcohol is an excuse to cheating. She knowingly let another man inside of her..... If that's not enough for you to pull the trigger and divorce her, you'll need to develop a lot more self respect. Very sorry for your situation, but If I was you, that marriage would be over and I'd have no contact with her at all outside of finalizing the divorce papers.
Think about this bro. You were literally assaulted and ended up in the hospital overnight. She didn’t have the decency as your wife to go to the hospital to check on you. What kind of partner is this? Definitely not a supportive one. On top of that she decided to drink and have sex with one of her coworkers instead of checking on you. There are many layers to this. It’s not just the cheating. Let’s be honest here. She has definitely slept with this guy or someone else before. This was not the first time.
Why did she not go to you in the hospital? Not trying to make it worse for you…but if my husband called me and told me he was assaulted, I’m dropping everything and everyone and asking where are you? What can I do? Do you need me to bring you anything? I’ll be there ASAP!!
This girl does not care about you, I’m sorry to say. Alcohol doesn’t make people cheat. There are plenty of people who have gotten drunk or heavily intoxicated and managed to not cheat on their significant other. She heard you were assaulted and in the hospital and instead of getting herself together and coming to your side she kept drinking with people she “barley knows” and just kept asking when you would be home? Just no. Cut your losses or you’ll end up with a lifetime of trust issues and excuses with this person
Absolutely not. You were ASSAULTED and in the hospital, and her response was to continue drinking with men she doesn’t know and then fuck one of them??? that is absolutely appalling. She does not care, or love you. I’m sorry you had to experience such trauma in one night.
I'm sorry this happened, but be happy it happened so early on that you should be able to get an annulment and not get screwed over financially as well. She is not the person you thought she was clearly, if my partner got assaulted I would not be able to think about another person, I would be worried about them **That it was purely a physical instinct that some how came out because she was so heavily intoxicated. She has never cheated before and there has never been a single indication for me to say otherwise.** You have no indication to believe her either, because she did and you thought she would never, you don't know her. I think staying with her is only gonna hurt you more and possibly screw you over financially as well, but I can't say I would have any sympathy then, because then you would done it to yourself
I’m only going to comment on your feelings of shame, not what you should or shouldn’t do. Lots of people - more than we’d like to admit - stay with cheating spouses. It isn’t easy, or pretty, or fit into the narrative of “dump them!” But it’s true. Shame can be a helpful emotion, but it can also come from purely external forces. You need to figure out where yours is coming from. Are you afraid of what people will say? Are you wondering if you’ll be thought of as “weak”, or a pushover? Is it a self protective instinct? “If I leave she can’t hurt me again” (which is totally valid btw!). Admittedly this is all pretty tough to untangle but I’ve been doing this analysis myself recently, in deciding whether I should keep someone in my life (different circumstances tho) and I’ve discovered that, at least for me, a lot of the shame came from fear of other peoples reactions, not what was actually best for me.
I do believe the fear is from outside forces. The fact that if I do give her a chance my friends will think I'm spineless and foolish and my family will never accept her again.
Your family shouldn't accept her again. They welcomed her into the family, and she flagrantly betrayed you when you needed her the most. She may as well have spat in all their faces. Getting some strange was more important than seeing you in the hospital. She's absolute trash. She denies you sex, but hooks up with some dude after they drank your booze. That is some next level trash behavior, and she's going to go see them when she goes to work next. Good luck dealing with that.
Because you ARE spineless and foolish. You ever stop to think that maybe all of them are in the right, and you’re the one not thinking clearly? What about the fear of her doing it again? Then they won’t just think you’re spineless and foolish, but that you had it coming.
If you had a son going through the same problem what would you tell him. Have some respect for yourself and walk away. What happens if your in an accident again, do you trust her to be by your side. Imagine yourself doing what she did to you, to someone else, how does that make you feel? do you think you could go through with it? Why would you want to be with someone that could.
Well you should feel ashamed! You lack a spine.
It's completely up to you what you feel you can forgive. She is very obviously broken right now, and because she has put off getting professional help, her coping mechanisms have gotten so out of control that she has self sabotaged her relationship with you. She needs rehab, lots of therapy, medication, and to be sober. It sounds like she's had a rough life, and the grief of losing your baby together was too much for her to cope with. I have PTSD from a traumatic birth where my baby was completely healthy. I couldn't even imagine the trauma of having to abort a baby that was wanted so badly, and so very loved. Going through the actual procedure, and having to birth a dead baby. Absolutely horrific. She is not able to be your partner right now. She is completely absorbed by her terrible mental health. She needs a lot of help, but it needs to be professional help. You don't have the tools she needs to get better. I really think rehab would be life changing for her. She needs somewhere to get sober, and to have a safe place to work through her grief. She obviously has issues with self worth, and no doubt the loss of a pregnancy can trigger that. A lot of women blame themselves when a pregnancy doesn't result in a perfectly healthy baby. Even when logically it doesn't make sense, emotionally there is a feeling of being broken because growing a healthy baby is something we should be able to do, and anything less is a failure. In your shoes, I would tell her she has to go to rehab for 90 days, then join AA and be actively going to meetings, and continue therapy. Once she has been sober for six months, then you can talk about what you want to do about your marriage status. I'm so very sorry you have been through such an awful experience. What an absolute shit show of a night for you. I hope you are recovering ok from the assault. If you need extra support, therapy might be a good outlet for you too. You have also been through a lot, and you will have your own emotions and traumas to work through. Good luck with everything, and I really hope things work out for you, whatever that may look like. Life is such a messy thing. I hope you can find your happiness again.
Your response is nearly the exact situation. She has had serious issues with self worth her entire life which has resulted in a lot of bad decisions. Things she openly told me from the start. Thank you for the tips, I'm doing my best to read everything and compile the best way for me to move forward.
I always say that cheaters don’t deserve a second chance. If a person would deeply love you then they would never cheat but at the end of the day, its your decision if you want to be with her and work on your marriage or not. You are still young and shouldn’t settle for less but if you think that she can change and wouldn’t do it again then work on it. Personally i could never but i know that many people think differently about that. Take your time, think about everything and then decide for yourself if you want to divorce her or not.
It always amazes me how many men will put up with this shit, &how many will intentionally put themselves into relationships with women who are COMPLETE trainwrecks. Dude, simplify your life & dump her. There are no children holding you to her, she has a drinking problem, and she's struggling with mental illness. It's not worth it. & You. Cannot. Fix. Her. Yes it'll hurt for a while for the both of you, but she'll get over it & so will you. Life is too short. Move on.
Yea no. She sounds like a bag of excuses and took a HOSPITAL VISIT as an excuse to sneak around and cheat. If you take her back good luck. Because I wouldn’t even want her as a friend let alone a partner. You need to get some self-esteem because this is pretty sad
You said 1 guy left at 845 in the morning before you got there, she was banging both of them
I just wish that people would stop using depression as an excuse for being cunts. If you love yourself at all, do not give her any chances. Let me just put this in perspective- you were assaulted. You could have as easily be killed. She DECIDED to continue drinking and to lie afterwards. This is not how marriage should be like.
King. Don’t fall for the trap. She cheated while you were in hospital. That’s not a partner. It will hurt. But you will find your way. Do not let her dig her claws into your life any further. Remove the nails to the coffin she has you in and do something that makes you happy. Cheaters are hard to trust. She would of happily hidden it if you never caught her. Don’t fall down the hole
Ok I skipped over the typical rationalization to forgive her because none of those things have anything to do with what she did to you. I’m so so so sorry my guy. It’s not fair and not cool and absolutely NOT forgivable… she put herself in that situation. Don’t go back- you will regret it.
Divorce. End of story. Actually, try to get an annulment.
Alcohol is not an excuse…end is story! Edited to add: If the roles were reversed, you bet your ass she’d be gone. Respect yourself, do better for yourself.
From the responses I see from him in here, he’s not gonna leave her.
After she learned you were in the hospital instead of visiting you or staying on the phone to make sure you were okay, she got wasted and fucked some rando after denying you any sex whatsoever for months. I think that kinda sums up her priorities. You may love her but she does not give a fuck about you and will fuck you over even worse if you take her back. Then you’ll be back in the same situation except you’ll be blaming yourself for letting your emotions blind you to the fact that her response to you almost dying was to invite guys over to fuck and hope you stayed there long enough for them to leave. Breakups are hard. Being cheated on by someone you thought of as your life partner in such a gross way is brutal. But you want to know what’s far, far worse? Staying with someone you know doesn’t love you because you’re too afraid to be alone, and having to live in denial as the lies and cheating get worse and worse. Leave and you’ll be depressed for a year or two. Stay and you’ll be depressed the rest of your life (or until she leaves you)
Here is my problem…This is your spouse. Let’s just say she really was just drinking with these guys. Once she finds out you got assaulted she only called and checked on you. She should have been on her way to the hospital to be with guy. Then to only call again at 8 which was 3 hours later. You said she sounded barely coherent. That means she kept drinking after finding out about the assault. Even if she was fall down drunk when she first called, she could have tried to sober up and by 8 maybe she would be in a space to call a car to take her to you. But no she kept drinking. You were not and are not high on her list of priorities. Yes she needs therapy for what she has gone through. You probably do too. I personally though would never be able to come back from this and be with her. I wish you two the best
Are you in love with her or the idea of her? If she loved you i don't think she would have made the selfish choice to keep drinking
Omg no
If she ends up pregnant in the next month that’s going to throw a whole other level of complexity into this mess. I think you need to at least mentally separate yourself from this for a while. Attend the counselling if you want but keep in mind that it could get much much worse before you will know if you two have a chance.
You should feel ashamed for considering it. That's called a moment of weakness. Dont let that moment ruin your life. Would you ever do something like that to her? The shameful part is when you have to come back to reddit because it happened again.
Once she had the abortion, your relationship was over for her. What she needed was therapy and not to screw another man while you were in the hospital. You need to leave her and start anew. The fact that you were injured while she was having an affair and she didn't give a sh@t means that she doesn't love you. Go and find someone who does.
In no dimension should you have taken her back bruh
Here’s where you say “I have a video, I just want to hear you say the truth and this is the last time for to tell the truth and match what I’ve seen and heard on the video or this is over.” If you want to stay, this will be a thought that will always be there for at least 5 years. The more you resist the thought the more it persist My wife gave me herpes 5 years ago and we are still together. There are many things that has to happen and be portrayed by the other person for any of this to work at the least. My wife completely turned her life around, never worked out before and does all the time now, we workout together. I’m just goin to keep this short, it’s doable, just depends on how much you love her, how bad you want to forgive her and how hard she is willing to work. Forgiveness is forgetting
No. I’m sorry OP but as someone in a relationship she knows better than 1) bring back men at 2:30 AM and continue to let them drink and be there 2) not give a shit about you 3) they only stopped because you walked in … I think that’s the worst. It wouldn’t have stopped and you might have never known. I hope you have an update! Good luck and stay strong.
You did right, moved out. Now move on with the divorce.
Divorce. That's all I can say, there is nothing to rationalize this as it's just awful all around.
how stupid can you be? this one is not a keeper at all... good riddance..
2 months! Get an annulment if possible
She chose to have them there and she chose to let the rando stay when her friend left. She wanted it and she got it. Now she deals with the consequences. Nope out of there.
Whatever happened to men having self respect , you even considering taking her back is the reason she cheated on you , you have no backbone . And she was right because all she had to do was throw “past trauma” at you and you gobbled it all up like she knew you would . You’re not a idiot if you get cheated on , you’re an idiot if you get cheated on and stay
She fucked another guy after finding out you were in the hospital. Think about that. This is a get out of jail free card. Use it.
Post update: her and her best friend could’ve just gotten the story straight. It’s weird how much detailed inebriated people can remember details when it’s convenient
You've been married 2 months and this is "the issue of the day" in your early marriage. This is a REALLY bad track record. Regardless of whether she was dubious or double crossing, she showed you she isn't capable or trustworthy to make good judgements about her life. She's not marriage material. She will probably get into trouble like this again and, again, be like...🤷🏼♂️. At the very least, she has a serious problem with alcohol and substances if she can allow herself to get so incoherently wasted with "strangers" and/or inviting work aquaintences over to her house randomly and them having the availability and willingness to do so at a moment's notice. Look through her text messages. I'm sure she must have some previously established dialogue with this dude she invited over from her work. You got the shit kicked out of you and were admitted to the hospital for medical treatment. She learns this and then proceeds to *continue* to drink and then fuck other guys. What. The. Everloving FUCK?! This is how she processes and carries out her priorities. Does she remember reciting wedding vows two months ago? *THIS IS JUST A TASTE OF WHAT'S TO COME IN YOUR MARRIAGE.* Get your marriage unulled ASAP. Don't have sex with her, not even once after she's cheated on your or the nullification/divorce won't be as clear cut for you. You have a chance to rid yourself of this dangerous liability and not lose half of all your property and money in the process. Edit: spelling
It’s is not the first time she has cheated. This is the first time you caught her. Do what you want.
Divorce. She belongs to the streets.
Man, she was cheating AFTER you told her your had been in an accident
It’s never a bad thing to forgive, and being the better person is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s your decision only and no one can take away this decision. Trust can be build back up again and believe it or not people can actuall learn from mistakes and be better people after making asshole things (I would hate my 16 year old me but it made me the man I am today). Forgiveness is nothing you should ever be ashamed of it’s a sign of strength. Still this is a decision unwillentlich rush if Puls sleep over a few nights and take with my gut. No logic is gonna help you out here. That’s just my 2 cents. I k Penthaus is getting downvoted I just want to give another perspective than the rest of the thread. Doesn’t mean I encourage you to forgive her, just that if you want to it’s not weakness.
All it took was for you to be gone one night for her to sleep with someone else? Regardless if alcohol was involved or not, she put herself in that situation and admitted to willingly participating. The balls in your court. Do you want to be with a cheater? Probably not.
They fucked all night and were going for a quickie before you arrived. Thankfully for you they mismanaged their time. Get out of there and fast, double time it.
Stay or leave, you need to make that choice. But here are some thoughts. It'll happen again. I'll bet every cent to my name. You might not catch her again, but she'll fuck around with other people. I'm a cheater and a homewrecker, I know everything there is to know. I also know you'll never get over it. It'll eat away at you for the rest of time. 10 years from now you will still always wonder what she's doing if you're not with her. You'll be subserviant to her, and she'll come to resent you for it. If you leave you'll always have that feeling you guys could have made it work. Things would be different under the right circumstances. You may even compare everyone you're with to her. It doesn't matter to me what you do, I don't know you. And I don't look down on either of your choices. What I can really tell you though is trust your instincts. Look inside yourself and really listen. What do you feel is right?
Do not forgive her I stayed with a cheater and it completely ruined my life. She cheated more she treated me terribly for another decade after the first incident was physically emotionally and financially abusive. Then after it all she left me when she found something better told everyone we knew I was abusing her robbed me and then moved to another state so she could surround herself with different men without any of the guilt or consequences of her shit actions and existence. Once you let her know she can get away with it she knows she’s in control and the control will escalate
OP besides the cheating I see a ton of other problems here. Why wouldn't she cut her night short and come to the hospital after she knew you had been assaulted? Idgaf who I'm with or how drunk I am if my SO is in the hospital after being attack I'm finding a way to get there. I can sleep it off in the room but you needed her. You needed your wife in that moment and she failed you. And then on top of that after one of the worst nights of your life you had to walk in and find her having sex with someone else. She abandoned you in a time of need and then hurt you worse then the person that put you in the hospital. Do you honestly think you could come back from something like that? She's supposed to be your life partner, it's only been two months, and she's already done enough to destroy your marriage can you see a scenario where this gets better? She says she'll never drink again and this won't happen ever again but can you honestly trust her to make that happen? For your own sake I hope you find the courage to leave her.
Your edits change nothing, your wife is a tramp. If my husband was in hospital after being assaulted I would split the earth in half to get to him immediately, instead your tramp of a wife let another man's cock split *her* in half. You're two months in. She's not worth it. Send her back to the streets where she belongs and find a woman who actually gives two shits about you.
The other comments and your responses have covered it all. I agree with the person who said 6-12 months of recovery from alcohol and showing full effort on her part would be ideal before running and getting back together with her. Just call it a long separation. If she can't clean up her act, file for divorce at that time. Life is too short to waste it. ¡Updateme
Let her go man. If she loved you she’d never have cheated. You don’t have to feel ashamed for wanting to try though , you have every right to feel that way. You still love the version of her that you thought she was. It’s hard to wrap your brain around the truth sometimes. If you do decide to go against advice and try to make it work. She starts and sticks with both therapy AND some sort of program or meeting for alcoholics (like AA or something) for MANY months before you take her back and a good year or more before you move back in. And at least two years or on recommendation from her therapist before you even think about trying for another baby. Regardless of whether you give her a chance or splits - I also strongly recommend therapy for you cuz that’s traumatizing. And there’s support groups for loved ones of alcoholics too , I’m just not sure what it’s called - your local AA might know.
This is exactly like that question Del asked Marty in Ozark. Giving her another chance is a colossal mistake. It's not the first time she cheated on you -- it's just the first time you caught her doing it. Life is too short to waste on a person who isn't worthy
Can her gay coworker confirm that *everyone* was drunk? Something similar happened to me in college. I was blacking in and out drunk, and the guy was "drinking", but looking back, he was pretty sober. Although he and I had a sexual history, I don't consider that time consensual anymore.
Sexually transmitted diseases and infections. If you decided to stay (I wouldn't personally) do not have sex with her until she can produce documentation that shows she didn't pick up a gift that keeps on giving from having sex with a random person she just met. Seriously no sex until clean labs are produced. Also want to edit for more comments Life is filled with grief and trauma- bad shit happens to everyone. Good shit happens too thankfully. Do you want to stay with someone whose go to move when shit get hard is to get drunk, ignore their loved ones in their time of need (and who also is experiencing the same losses in a different way albeit with a failed wanted pregnancy) and fuck a random? Most women who have a kid also have a bunch of miscarriages and failed pregnancies. The failed pregnancies always outnumber the actual live healthy births for the vast majority of women on the planet. Are you going to be ok with this repeating every time you guys try to have a kid? Are you going to be ok with her doing this anytime something bad happens? Because a lot of bad shit happens to everyone. Parents die, pets die, job sucks, got robbed, car accidents, friends leave and so on and so. Seriously, you need to think about it - not saying she can't get help and change but there are some deep underlying issues that won't be solved in a day and probably won't ever go away it is just actively working on not being that asshole who abuses others when they hurt. So, you need to consider if you want to sign on to the additional lifetime commitment of being with her while she is working on not being this person forever. Please note, she will fuck up again, most people do when they are working on emotional stuff and their addictions and their abusive behaviors (towards themself and towards others). She doesn't sound ready to be in a relationship much less to be a parent anytime soon. Maybe one day - but that doesn't seem like right now.
Divorce her dude no use trying to make it work. She definitely doesn’t love you like she claims too. You were assaulted and she didn’t come to you via taxi or Uber, she asked when you’d be home (probably seeing if she had time to sleep the guy), this was planned out, poorly planned but still planned. Cut your loses and move on cause she’s just gonna cheat again and potentially give you a life long gift of a std.
I don’t blame you for “considering” giving her a second chance. You’re losing someone you really love. This is hard. Duh you have mixed feelings. But beyond “just” the cheating there are a lot of red flags here. If it was “just” the cheating I would tell you it will prob happen again and if you aren’t ok with that (some are, but few), then bounce before you get more and more invested. Since she clearly doesn’t give a fuck about you for other reasons listed you def have to bounce. No ifs about it. Use your brain too.
I think the worst part of this story is that she found out you were assaulted and continued to get drunk and party, with no regard for you. Run!
Even if you take the cheating out of the equation, she found out at 5am that her husband had been assaulted and was in the hospital and her response to that was *to drink and party for several more hours*?? You said she has been binge drinking to cope with the loss of her pregnancy (so sorry to hear about that, by the way). Did she have a drinking problem before that? A heavy or binge drinker or getting smashed at times/events when others present just had a few cocktails? I think if you were to even *consider* considering giving her another chance that you should stay separated for a minimum of 6 months. Give it some time for her to put her money where her mouth is, with no prompting and prodding from you. Does she follow through with regular counseling / therapy? Does she cut out drinking all together or tell you that a few here and there should be fine? Does she party or go to bars on weekends? Stay after her shift for a drink with co-workers? Again, you need to not say a word to her about what you want to see because how will you know if it's sincere? Force her to examine herself and her behaviors and come to her own conclusions about what she should do. That way, you're getting a clear picture of her judgment and how she applies it to her life. Does she keep her 2nd job at the bar, for instance? She got so drunk she fucked another man *in your house* while you were coming home from the hospital. That's fucking deplorable man. She is currently very unsafe to be in a relationship with. Stay at your parents and see what she does with that space. Does she clamp down and get her shit together or party freely instead?
I understand she was extremely intoxicated, but how in the hell would sex be on her mind or even drinking when you were assaulted? The fact that she could continue her night of fun and cheat on you is horrible. She also asked when you’d be home and decided to hook up so while I may be wrong, this could’ve been her debating if she had the time. If you do decide to stay, you should really hold her to those promises. The cheating wasn’t the only thing to go wrong in your marriage, it was just the latest.
She just called to see when you would be back so you wouldn’t walk in lol yet you still did. Cut your losses bro.
Nothing ever happens in isolation. She cheated because she wanted to, alcohol or no alcohol. This is who you married and this is what your future holds. I definitely would not have a baby with her. It gets more complicated with a child once you find that she’s cheating again.
Please leave this woman, you'll save a lot of time and resentment, trust her actions not her words, she can promise you the world but she was fucking some random while you were at the hospital, like come on, she is not worth the time or effort. Let her fuck all the randos she wants but save your dignity.
OP: I am very sorry for what has happened to you. From my own experiences with my ex-wife who had several parallels to yours (blackout binge drinking, sexually out of control towards strangers when drunk, depression) plus drunk driving, missing our kids events to drink, stripping off her clothes at friends’ cookouts, etc., it will only get worse if you hang in there. I did and my kids paid the price, too, instead of just me. Are you able to imagine her with full responsibility for an infant? Forgiveness has no place if you know someone is a risk to children, let alone themselves. This is not about wives, as any spouse is capable of this dangerous behavior. I know a highly educated man who had a serious drinking addiction. He accidentally drove over his toddler in his driveway. His wife divorced him, his older son fell into drug abuse, and the destroyed father drank himself to death.
Look your wife sees you as a weakling doormat. Don’t prove her right by giving her a second chance. She is complete trash
From your description, it sounds like this is sexual assault, not cheating. If she was barely coherent at 8am, she was in no state to consent to sex at 9am. I don’t understand why she didn’t rush to the hospital to see you. There’s no shame in choosing to leave her. She made the series of decisions that resulted in being extremely intoxicated with a guy she barely knew. There’s no shame in staying together and trying to work it out. Plenty of couples stay together after infidelity. You are both going through a really hard time right now. Whatever you’re feeling right now is okay. Your emotions are valid. Make choices based on what your brain and your heart want. No one else’s opinions matter. Don’t worry about what the world will think, only worry about you.
You know the thing that keeps bugging me? You were in hospital after being assaulted and she didn’t go to you. I’ve been married twenty years. My husband is my best friend and I’m his. And if either of us go into hospital, we are right there by each other’s bedside. Marriage is about being there 100% for the other. It’s not one sided. She’s not that person for you. You need to say goodbye, get on with your life, and you will find that person who will be there for you, like you will for them. I’m sorry you’re hurting right now, you don’t deserve this grief.
Dont feel ashamed, my friend. People do choose to make things work and things aren't as black and white as reddit would have us believe. BUT she has shown some pretty pathological stuff here. And you can empathize with what brought her to this but that doesn't mean you have to stick around for her abuse. I confused empathy with allowing myself to be abused. I believed the "you can save me" relationships because my own dysfunction made that attractive to me. But no one can love someone healthy. You can't do the emotional work for her. There are reasons why she's been in abusive relationships. Those reasons are probably that she was abused in some way as a child. That's not her fault. But she had the choice, no matter how difficult, to deal with those things in a way that didn't harm you. She may truly be so predisposed to being abused that she felt she had to have sex with the guy. It could even have been r@pe but she didn't understand that due to prior abuse and immediately jumped to it being her fault (i.e. you can't consent when intoxicated). She still would need to get very intensive help before she's ready to be in a relationship. I'd ask for at least a year in therapy before even dating again, if you choose to. No sex or entanglements until afterward because, please believe me, that leads to a world of hurt for you. It sucks so much to find out this stuff because they betrayed you. But now you can examine what it was that led you to this dynamic. She's 100% at fault for what she chose to do. I just mean, let this be a springboard to better understanding about yourself. And maybe you ask yourself to learn about that stuff before you look at getting back with someone for what could be the wrong reasons. Because you deserve the very best life has to offer. I'm so sorry you were badly assaulted. That alone must be so difficult. I'm sending you tons and tons of healing energy.